A Makeover for Dr. McCoy
The following is a satirical teleplay I’ve prepared especially for my readers who are devotees of the original Star Trek television series.
INT. CAPTAIN KIRK’S PRIVATE QUARTERS – USS ENTERPRISE
Kirk sits comfortably in his quarters, wondering why McCoy has called this off-the-record meeting. Also, why did he insist on including Spock? A chime announces his visitors have arrived.
KIRK: Come.
The door slides open, revealing Dr. Leonard McCoy, wearing his customary expression of barely restrained irritation. Directly behind him, chief science officer Spock quietly accompanies the doctor. They seat themselves near Kirk, and the doctor clears his throat.
McCoy: Jim, I’d like to request some personal time to make a few changes in my life. For one thing, I’m considering a medical procedure to convert my blood chemistry to use a copper-based oxygen-carrying protein called hemocyanin. As a consequence, I’ll also acquire a green skin tone. I’m doing this partly to improve my longevity, but frankly, I’m dating a girl from Orion, and I’d like to get this done in time to propose marriage to her.
Kirk: Bones, are you sure about this? Is this girl really worth jeopardizing your health so drastically?
McCoy: C’mon, Jim! As chief medical officer, don’t you think I’d have done my own due diligence on this?
Spock: Doctor, I would advise against this. Vulcan blood employs copper-based oxygen transport, but humans do not always fare well following such radical physiological alterations. After all, you are no longer what humans refer to as a “spring chicken.” Furthermore, you may experience psychological difficulties adjusting to a physiology resembling that of a Vulcan.
McCoy: Spock, I don’t appreciate the tone or implication of that spring chicken remark. And for your information, I’m not proposing to become a Vulcan!
Spock: That is reassuring, Doctor. The prospect of two individuals aboard this vessel possessing Vulcan physiology, while exhibiting your particular temperament, is a contingency I had not previously considered.
McCoy: Why, Spock, I do believe you’re jealous!
Spock: An illogical conclusion, Doctor.
McCoy: Despite our history of good-natured quibbling over the years, Spock, I need your unique perspective on this.
McCoy turns to Kirk.
McCoy: Jim, I’ve thought long and hard about this. I’ve examined and weighed the risks. What’s your bottom line?
Kirk: Bones, you’re not just the best chief medical officer in Starfleet. You’re my friend, and I’d hate to lose you to a medical experiment, even one of your own devising. Besides, I’ve got to consider how this might affect the crew. We’ve got a significant investment in you, Doctor.
McCoy steeples his fingers, considering their objections.
McCoy: Well, you’ve both given me food for thought.
Kirk: Not to pry, Bones, but are these changes you’re considering necessary for your intended and her family to accept you?
McCoy: Well, other humans have assimilated into the culture on Orion. Since we want children, I want to do everything in my power to ensure their health, success, and acceptance. And frankly, Jim, I’ve spent enough years wandering among the stars. Maybe it’s time I put down some roots.
Spock: Fascinating, Doctor. I may have some contacts on Vulcan whom I can consult on this matter. Like the Captain, I wish to ensure that your ability to serve in your present capacity is not jeopardized.
McCoy: Well, that’s mighty considerate of you, Spock.
Spock: There is, however, one aspect of your proposal that I find particularly perplexing.
McCoy: And what’s that?
Spock: You have repeatedly expressed your distrust of the transporter, yet you are apparently quite willing to replace the fundamental chemistry of your circulatory system.
McCoy: Dammit, Spock! A transporter scatters your molecules halfway across the galaxy! This is a perfectly controlled medical procedure!
Spock: A distinction whose significance continues to elude me, Doctor.
Kirk: Bones, I think what Spock is really saying is that he’d miss arguing with you. I’m guessing these changes wouldn’t alter your personality too much?
Spock: Precisely, Captain. The Enterprise would surely not be as effective without the Doctor’s irascible, sardonic bedside manner.
McCoy: Why, you pointy-eared—
Kirk interrupts, laughing.
Kirk: Well, Bones, let’s get back together after you and Spock come up with some next steps. I’ll contact Starfleet to request a diversion to Vulcan to accommodate your analysis. I’ll look forward to a plan that ensures you can continue serving Starfleet as well as your bride-to-be.
Now, Bones, let’s break out the Saurian brandy and toast your good health and a fair wind to speed you to the altar. Spock, will you join us?
Spock: Captain, by all means. I believe I can justify my participation as necessary to maintain the crew’s esprit de corps.
McCoy: Why, Spock, that’s the most human thing you’ve said all week!
Spock: I shall endeavor not to repeat the offense, Doctor.
Spock raises an eyebrow as Kirk and McCoy enjoy their brandy. Then he joins them, privately calculating how many liters of the beverage he would have to consume to experience the sensation humans describe as being “tipsy.”
He also considers the likelihood that he will need to assume temporary command until Kirk recovers from the brandy’s effects. Fortunately, the Enterprise isn’t due on assignment for another few days.
Too bad he can’t include these thoughts in his personal log.
#Humor #Lampoon #Nostalgia #Satire #ScienceFiction #StarTrek