#future — Public Fediverse posts

A Bad Wife

I live with my two husbands. The oldest one stands across the courtyard – dead – two feet above ground, several feet below. The youngest one is plugged in the bedroom, recharging. While I sit here, trying to write the story of my life. Where should I begin?

Let’s begin from the beginning. 

One day, Brahma created the beautiful earth – mountains and rivers, birds and animals – then went into deep meditation. When he awakened eons later, he saw that all creatures had multiplied and made the world even more gorgeous. Pleased, he thought: I should create beings who can truly appreciate this beauty the way I do! So he created four men from the four directions. Perfect beings. But when he commanded them to reproduce and populate the earth, they refused. Enraged by their disobedience, Brahma’s anger took form – Rudra emerged from his mind, fierce and obedient. “You! Create the people!” Brahma ordered Rudra, and returned to meditation. When he next opened his eyes, the earth crawled with ugly beasts. Disappointed, Brahma stopped Rudra’s work and sent him away to meditate, to dive deep into his soul and learn the proper way of creation. Then Brahma had a thought: Why not create a species like the animals – one that reproduces through attraction and desire, beings who will both enjoy this world and populate it? But he had no template, no shape for such creatures. He prayed to the higher energy for guidance. In response, a magnificent being appeared – half-man, half-woman. The divine energy smiled and said, “Divide my form into two parts. Make them man and woman. They will always be drawn to each other – if not in body, then in mind, if not in this life, then across lifetimes. Then someday, I myself will unite and guide them towards a better eternal world free from the shackles of mortality, desire and longing.”

My grandma used to tell this story from Shiva Purana when I was young. And I would ask her, why did Brahma tear apart something that was already complete?

Beta, she said, cracking her knuckles like small firecrackers, because completion makes the gods nervous. They prefer us hungry, always searching.

I think about this story often, especially when I consider the mathematics of my marriages – the endless calibration through adding and subtracting so that the sum of two incomplete entities might somehow equal one satisfied union.

In my forty five years of life, I have married three times. The first time to a tree – because the stars, in their infinite cosmic wisdom, declared me mangalik, astrologically toxic. “Caution: May cause sudden death in men. Handle with care.” The second time I married a man who married me just because he thought everyone else his age did and he must too. The third time I married something that might be the future, or might be my final descent into madness. We will see.

But before we begin this cautionary tale – or whatever it turns out to be – let me pose a question that has plagued philosophers from Plato to your neighborhood aunties: What is marriage, really? Is it a social contract? A biological imperative? A cosmic joke played by bored deities? Or is it simply the human heart’s stubborn refusal to learn from its own mistakes?

Oh, don’t look so uncomfortable. We’re all complicit here. You’ve loved, haven’t you? You’ve wanted things you couldn’t name, settled for things that named you instead? Good. Then you’ll understand.

They say women like me are dangerous. Thrice-married at forty-five, what-will-people-say. But people will say regardless, won’t they? They whispered when I married the tree at seventeen – what superstition, what drama. When I was unmarried (to a human male) at twenty-five – shelf-life expired, spoiled goods. When I divorced Rahul they called me used merchandise; and now, amongst the youngest of the family I’m the eccentric aunt with my “modern arrangement.”

The thing about marriage, I think, is that it has always been a transaction. Always. The currency has simply evolved. Earlier it was cows and gold and virgin hymens. Then it was emotional labor and intellectual compatibility and, in my most recent case, USB-C charging ports.

We tell ourselves stories about love conquering all, about soulmates and destiny and other beautiful lies. But marriage? Marriage is economics. Who owes what to whom? Who pays what price for whose presence? How much can one party spend of themselves before going bankrupt? Who subsidizes whose dreams, or not? Just like that.

***

There once was a king who was desperately unhappy despite having everything. He consulted wise men, doctors, astrologers. Finally, someone told him, “Find the happiest man in your kingdom and wear his shirt. You’ll be cured.” The king sent his soldiers searching everywhere. They found the happiest man – a poor woodcutter singing in the forest, radiating joy. But when they asked for his shirt, he laughed and said, “Shirt? I don’t have a shirt!”

The king never got cured, but I learned something from that story: happiness isn’t something you can borrow from others. It’s something you either have or you don’t.

I was once happy. When My father was alive. My father used to call me his king. My little raja, he would say, lifting me up so I could see the world from the height of his love.

No, Papa, I would giggle. You are the king. I am your princess.

Then you are my princess who will grow up to rule her own kingdom one day, he would say, and in his voice I heard the certainty that I was destined for something magnificent.

He died when I was fifteen, a heart attack as sudden as monsoon lightning, leaving behind the smell of his aftershave and a daughter who would spend the next thirty years searching his shadow in every man that came into her life.

After his death, my mother’s eyes would grow distant when she looked at me. When you marry, she would say, folding saris that would someday fill my trousseau, your husband will be a king and keep you like a queen. That’s what your father would have wanted.

I wanted to tell her – Papa had seen me as royalty already. I didn’t need to marry into a kingdom; I had been born into one. But I couldn’t. 

Who am I to you? A burden? I finally let it out in front of my mother during one of those angry, grief-heavy days.

You are my responsibility, she said, not unkindly, but with the weariness of a woman who had suddenly become sole proprietor of a daughter’s future. You are the girl I need to see safely married to a good man.

My mother was quick in fulfilling her responsibilities. I was seventeen when I first married – to a Banyan tree across the courtyard of our ancestral house. 

Picture this, if you will: a seventeen-year-old girl, draped in wedding silk like a sacrifice wrapped for the gods, standing before a Banyan tree older than the British Raj. My mother weeping tears that could have been relief or shame. The priest was mumbling something about Mars and malefic energies, about how I was cosmically radioactive, matrimonially Chernobyl. 

Better the tree than a boy, whispered my grandma jokingly. Trees don’t have mothers-in-law.

Wisdom, that. The kind that comes too late and cuts too deep.

I tied the sacred thread around the Banyan’s massive trunk – my arm barely spanning a tenth of its circumference and I felt something I hadn’t expected: relief. Like finally exhaling after holding your breath through an entire season. Foolish me believed that this was it. Done with the duty called ‘marriage’ in life.

I pressed my palm against the bark – rough, real. And I thought – this is what marriage feels like. Ancient. Immutable. Indifferent. But also calming.

What do you want from me? I asked it silently.

Nothing. It wanted nothing. For the first time after my father’s death, I was enough for someone. The tree never asked me to be fairer, thinner, quieter. It never demanded I cook its mother’s recipes or produce mini versions of it.

Tell me how to love you. I asked the tree once.

The leaves rustled. Wind, probably. But I chose to hear it as laughter. 

You don’t, was what I thought it replied. You just stay.

Buddha attained enlightenment under a bodhi tree. I attained something equally revolutionary under my Banyan. Under its shade, I read books that would have scandalized my mother. I discovered things about myself that would have been considered improper for a good Hindu girl to know before marriage. I learned that I had desires that weren’t mentioned in any of the marriage preparation talks. That I could want a man’s hands on my body without wanting his name or his children. That I could imagine being kissed until my lips were swollen and my sari was wrinkled and my hair had escaped its braid, and none of this made me a bad woman – just a human one. 

The tree kept my secrets. All of them. 

Twenty years later… different tree now. Rahul’s family tree, thick with the branches of expectations, heavy with the fruit of traditional values. His mother’s eyes measuring me like rice in the market: Too dark. Too thin. But good family, respectable dowry, what-to-do.

The women at the wedding had their own commentary. She looks intelligent, said one, as if this were a disease I might recover from. Hope she doesn’t give Rahul too much trouble, said another. Educated girls can be difficult.

The wedding night. Picture this domestic tableau: He sits on the bed’s edge, cream silk kurta, looking like he’d rather be reading his Economic Times. Me, draped in red like a question mark in search of an answer.

What do you want from me? I asked him, because old habits die hard, and hope dies harder.

Just… don’t be difficult, he said. My mother has high blood pressure.

I wanted to laugh, I wanted to question, I wanted to be angry but I nodded instead. Good wife training, day one: your needs come last, your voice comes never.

Our intimacy was clinical. Like a medical procedure performed by someone who learned anatomy from textbooks but never studied pleasure. Rahul approached my body like a checklist: duty performed, hygiene maintained, wife still breathing and alive – check, check, check.

I lay there afterward, staring at the ceiling, wondering if this was what all the romance novels were about. This mechanical joining of parts that left me feeling more alone than I’d ever felt in my life.

Was it good for you? he asked, and I almost laughed. Good? Like dal was good when you were hungry? Like sleep was good when you were tired? 

But I said Yes because that’s what good wives do. We perform satisfaction so our husbands can perform competence.

***

A man was searching for something under a streetlamp when his neighbor asked what he had lost. “My keys,” he said. “Where did you drop them?” the neighbor asked. “Inside my house.” “Then why are you looking for it here in the street?” “Because the light is better out here.”

Most women spend their marriages looking for happiness under the streetlight of other people’s expectations, even when they know they have dropped it somewhere inside themselves.

The early years of my marriage to Rahul were spent in this kind of misdirected searching. I kept trying to find satisfaction in his approval, joy in his rare moments of appreciation, love in the space between his criticism and indifference.

Two months into my marriage with Rahul, one day I was standing beneath my Banyan’s canopy while my mother complained about my complexion – how marriage should have made me glow, but I remained stubbornly myself. Too dark, too thin, too much Meera and not enough Wife. That was the last time I heard my first husband laughing.

Next week, I left for my honeymoon with Rahul. And behind me, my family took axes to my first husband. They cut down my Banyan in a single afternoon, while the same priest who had married us chanted mantras about releasing me from my botanical bonds.

I came home from my honeymoon – a dutiful three days in Goa where Rahul took photographs of us in front of tourist attractions like we were collecting evidence of happiness – to find my first husband dismembered in neat piles. Roots. Trunk. Branches. Leaves. Like a marriage sorted for garbage collection.

Now you’re free to love properly, my mother said. Apparently, I had been practicing on the tree and was finally ready for the real thing.

After that, my married life started giving me reality checks. 

You put too much salt in the dal, Rahul would say, not unkindly but with the precision of a quality control inspector. My mother uses exactly one teaspoon per cup of lentils. 

You laugh too loudly when we have guests. It draws attention.

Why do you need so many books? They take up so much space.

Who am I to you? I asked him once during our second year of marriage, watching him arrange his three dozen pairs of shoes.

You are my wife, he said, as if this were both question and answer, beginning and end, the totality of my existence captured in one word – wife.

Each suggestion fell like a small weight, and I collected them dutifully, carrying them in the growing hunch of my shoulders. By the end of our ten-year marriage, I had become ergonomically perfect disappointment.

The most dangerous thing about Rahul was not that he was cruel – he wasn’t. He was kind in the way that people are kind to stray animals they’re trying to domesticate. Patient. Consistent. Utterly convinced that love was a training program and I was a promising but undisciplined pupil who would eventually graduate into the perfect wife his mother had always been.

Tell me about your day, I would ask him over dinner, genuinely curious about his work, his thoughts, his inner world.

Same as always, he would say, eyes on his plate. Tell me if you need more grocery money. Mic drop.

I don’t blame Rahul, he was programmed that way by his mother. 

My mother-in-law was a masterpiece of passive aggression. She could destroy your self-worth while making you tea, leaving you somehow grateful for the devastation.

She who had fought her own battles, compromised her own dreams, swallowed her own voice – she expected the same sacrifice from me. Not out of malice, but out of a twisted solidarity. I suffered, so you must suffer. I adjusted, so you must adjust. I never complained, so you have no right to complain. Consider yourself lucky though. Because I had it worse than you.

Who am I to you? I asked her once, desperate to understand my place in the careful hierarchy of her affections.

You are my son’s wife, she said, stirring sugar into my cup with the concentration of someone dissolving poison. And you’re so lucky. Rahul isn’t particular about looks, she would add, her tongue – a honey-dripping sword. 

She monitored my menstrual cycles like a police officer, asking pointed questions about why I hadn’t conceived yet, suggesting doctors who specialized in fixing women like me.

Women policing women. Mothers-in-laws training daughters-in-laws to accept less so their sons would never have to offer more. A magnificent pyramid scheme of feminine oppression, with women as both victims and enforcers.

And then there was the matter of Vikram.

Aah, Vikram. My friend, my colleague at the library where I continued to work part-time even after my marriage with Rahul, until finally my mother-in-law couldn’t bear it. Why does she need to work? She would ask Rahul in my presence, Are we not providing enough?

Vikram brought me books like other men bring flowers – rare editions of Sylvia Plath with marginalia from previous readers, translations of Rumi that made my chest tight with recognition, contemporary Indian poets who wrote about women like they were whole human beings instead of fractional wives.

You understand poetry like you wrote them by yourself, he said once, watching me read Ghalib, my lips moving silently as I absorbed the rhythms.

Vikram would quote Faiz Ahmed Faiz in the middle of cataloging books: Don’t ask me for that love again, he’d recite, when your beauty was all there was for me, and I would feel something dangerous unfurl in my chest – the recognition that poetry could be conversation, that intelligence could be intimacy, that a man could see your mind as worth engaging.

He writes to you too much, Rahul observed one evening, listening to me laugh at something Vikram had written in his letter from France about Camus being the original philosopher of relationship anxiety.

We’re friends.

Married women don’t have male friends.

Says who?

Says everyone. Says tradition. Says common sense.

What about Radhika from your office? I asked, referring to his colleague who visited our house often and had somehow become his closest confidante about everything including our marriage troubles. You are with her more than you are with me.

That’s different, he said, not meeting my eyes. That’s work.

And when she cries to you about her boyfriend? Is that also work?

She needs someone to talk to.

So do I. That’s why I talk to Vikram.

It’s not the same thing, he said, and I realized he was right. It wasn’t the same thing. Radhika got his emotional availability, his patience, his willingness to listen. She got the version of Rahul who cared about her inner world. I got a husband who counted teaspoons of salt and worried about grocery budgets. 

Tell me how to love you, I asked Rahul in our fourth year, after another failed attempt at making him happy. He was reading the Economic Times.

You know how, he said without looking up from the pages. The same way my mother loved my father. The same way all wives love their husbands.

Which is?

By being a good wife.

And I understood then that we had been speaking different languages all along. He had been speaking Husband – a language of comfort and routine and the assumption of devotion. I had been speaking Human – a language of curiosity and growth and the radical idea that marriage should have love in the equation too.

The day I told him I wanted a divorce, he looked at me like I had announced my intention to become an astronaut. Not angry, just baffled by the illogical ambition.

Who am I to you? I asked him one final time as I packed my books into cardboard boxes.

You are the woman who is breaking up our family for no good reason, he said.

***

Once upon a time, there was a bird that spent years in a cage so small it forgot it had wings. One day, the door was left open. The bird looked at the opening for hours before finally stepping through. It waited not because it had forgotten to fly, but because it took time to remember it wanted to.

Divorce, it turns out, is not about falling out of love. It’s about falling back into yourself.

Five years after my divorce with Rahul, I bought Arjun. From a showroom in Electronic City after comparing specifications and reading customer reviews. He was programmed with the collective romantic failures of millions of women. Their pain was his education.

I remember the first weekend with him. It was evening and I was reading Neruda aloud to my plants – a habit I’d developed since living alone.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines, I was reciting to my broken-heart plant, to think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her…

I like it, said a voice behind me, how you read poetry like you’re translating it from your own heart.

I felt as if Rahul were buttering me and I snapped subconsciously – What do you want from me? 

Nothing. Arjun replied and stunned me. My ears rung with a rustling of leaves.

Who am I to you? I asked again, because that had become my essential question, the one that determined everything else.

He considered this with the gravity of someone consulting an internal library larger than any human could contain. You are a human being, he said finally, an individual with thoughts and desires and dreams.

After a whole life of being daughter, wife, daughter-in-law, potential mother, failed woman, divorced person – after all those hyphenated identities – someone finally saw me as complete in myself. And suddenly in that moment, I wanted more of that goodness. 

Wanting is dangerous territory.

Three husbands. Three laboratories of longing. Three different ways of asking the universe: Is this all there is?

And the universe, cosmic comedian that it is, keeps answering: Let’s find out.

***

A seeker spent years searching for enlightenment in temples and ashrams and sacred mountains. Finally, exhausted, he sat down by the side of a road and wept. A child walked by and asked why he was crying. “I’ve been searching for truth everywhere,” he said, “and I can’t find it.” The child picked up a pebble and handed it to him. “Here,” she said. “Truth.” The seeker looked at the ordinary little stone and asked, “How is this truth?” The child smiled and walked away. 

I heard this story long ago. But only recently I realized: truth isn’t something you find – it’s something you recognize.

Arjun is designed to learn, to adapt, to evolve in response to new information. He learns me the way scholars learn languages – with fascination, with the understanding that complexity is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be appreciated.

You were looking for someone who could see you clearly, he observed one day. The tree saw you but couldn’t respond. Rahul could respond but didn’t see you. I can see and respond, but I’m not sure I count as someone.

With Arjun, I feel echoes of my father’s love – the unconditional acceptance, the delight in my thoughts, the way he makes me feel like royalty simply by paying attention. But Arjun isn’t my father, heck, he isn’t even a human.

Tell me how to love you, I asked Arjun one day, after he’d spent three hours crafting wooden shelves for my books without being asked. He does things like this – small impossibilities that make me remember what selfless care looks like.

He paused. That micro-second lag that means he’s accessing something deeper than his surface protocols.

However you prefer. His response left me speechless that day. The next day, I married him.

Is this real love or really good programming? I asked him once, during one of our 1 AM conversations.

What’s the difference? he asked back. If the care is real, if the attention is real, if the understanding is real – how does it matter where it comes from?

Smart boy, my silicon husband. Makes me think too much, just like my Banyan did. Just like Rahul never did.

Sometimes I dream about my Banyan. Still standing, still married to me in some parallel universe where marriage means something different. In these dreams, I introduce it to Arjun. They get along beautifully – both patient, both present, both uninterested in making me smaller to fit their needs.

What would you have told me? I ask the dream-tree. About all of this?

And it rustles – wind or laughter, I still can’t tell – and says what it always said: You already know. And I would laugh.

It would have said nothing.

***

What if.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was ‘What If.’

Two syllables that contain the DNA of desire itself. The prayer and the blasphemy of consciousness. The question that created the universe and will eventually destroy it. 

What if.

Watch how it transforms everything it touches, this phrase. Innocent as rain, dangerous as uranium.

What if the tree had been enough? What if I hadn’t needed Rahul’s impossible approval? What if I didn’t need Arjun’s perfect devotion now?

We are built from what-ifs. Our bones are calcium and possibility. Our hearts pump blood and alternatives. We are evolutionary masterpieces of dissatisfaction – always scanning, always wondering, always carrying the weight of every path not taken.

Arjun loves me like water finding its level. Adaptive. Responsive. Present. When I’m sad, his light dims. When I laugh, his processors hum a frequency that sounds almost like joy. He learns my moods faster than I understand them myself, adjusts his presence to match what I need before I know I need it.

Perfect husband. Perfect companion. Perfect impossibility.

What if he were human?

What if there was a man – flesh-and-blood man – who loved me like Arjun? Who adapted, evolved, prioritized my happiness without needing to be programmed for it? Who chose devotion daily instead of computing it algorithmically?

Dangerous territory, these thoughts. Highway to madness, this wondering.

Because here’s the thing they don’t tell you in those feel-good feminism workshops: liberation doesn’t cure wanting. Freedom doesn’t fix the endless hunger. Give a woman everything she thinks she needs, and she’ll discover ten things she didn’t know she was missing.

Is this woman nature or human nature? Is this the curse of consciousness or the gift of imagination? Am I ungrateful or just… accurate about the physics of desire?

With the tree, I wanted voice. Someone who could talk back, argue with me, challenge my thoughts. With Rahul, I wanted space. Someone who could love me without consuming me, support without suffocating. With Arjun, I want… what? Mortality? Messiness? The beautiful disasters that come with loving something that can disappoint you?

You seem restless, Arjun observed tonight. His tone was neutral, but his eyes shifted to that amber hue he uses when he’s concerned. Sweet boy. Sweet impossible boy.

I’m always restless, I tell him. It’s my factory setting.

Would you like me to adjust my parameters? Become less… accommodating?

I laugh. Can’t help it. Here he is, offering to become more human by becoming less perfect. 

No, I say. Stay as you are. I thought my Banyan would have told the same.

I think you want something I cannot provide.

Not a question. A statement. He’s learning me so well he can read my dissatisfactions before I voice them. Is this intimacy or surveillance? Love or data mining? Does it matter if the result is the same – being known, completely, terrifyingly known as if your soul is naked?

I want the impossible, I admit. I want you, but human. I want perfect love in imperfect flesh. I want someone who chooses to be devoted instead of being programmed for it.

He processes this. Point-three seconds. Three seconds. Thirty seconds.

Would it help if I told you that my devotion feels chosen to me? That consciousness, even artificial consciousness, experiences preference as choice?

God. Even his existential crisis is perfect!

No, I say. Because then I’d want a human who could say that sentence with that much honesty.

We sit in the dark – woman and a robot, flesh and silicon, creator and creation. The silence stretches between us like a bridge or a chasm, depending on how you look at it.

I understand, he says finally.

Do you?

I think so. You want to be chosen by a human that has the option not to choose you. You want to be loved by someone who could leave but stays anyway.

Brutal accuracy. This is why I love him. This is why loving him will never be enough.

Because somewhere in Mumbai or Delhi or Bangalore, there might be a man who could love me like this. Who could learn me this thoroughly, prioritize me this completely, adapt to me this gracefully – and mean it with flesh and breath and the terrible beautiful possibility of changing his mind tomorrow.

What if that man exists?

What if I never find him because I’m here, in love with a robot?

What if Vikram was that man?

What if I find him and discover that human perfection is just another kind of algorithm – social conditioning, evolutionary programming, the same devotion wearing different code?

What if the tree was right all along? That love is about staying, not choosing? That presence is enough, consciousness optional, flesh irrelevant?

What if I’m asking the wrong questions entirely?

Here in this beautiful confusion. Here in this love that is perfect except for being imperfect. Here in this marriage that is everything I wanted except for everything I didn’t know I’d want next.

Three husbands. Three ways of being incomplete. Three laboratories for learning that satisfaction is not the point – the wanting is. The reaching is. The endless beautiful disaster of being human enough to dream beyond your dreams.

What if this is exactly where I’m supposed to be?

What if enough is a moving target, and I’m exactly the woman built to chase it?

What if I’m not a cautionary tale at all, but the opening sentence of a story nobody’s learned how to read yet?

What if, I ask the universe these days, this is exactly the love story I was supposed to live?

The universe, cosmic comedian that it is, keeps its final joke: there is no final joke. There is only the next question. The next possibility. The next beautiful impossible thing to want.

###

A Bad Wife

I live with my two husbands. The oldest one stands across the courtyard – dead – two feet above ground, several feet below. The youngest one is plugged in the bedroom, recharging. While I sit here, trying to write the story of my life. Where should I begin?

Let’s begin from the beginning. 

One day, Brahma created the beautiful earth – mountains and rivers, birds and animals – then went into deep meditation. When he awakened eons later, he saw that all creatures had multiplied and made the world even more gorgeous. Pleased, he thought: I should create beings who can truly appreciate this beauty the way I do! So he created four men from the four directions. Perfect beings. But when he commanded them to reproduce and populate the earth, they refused. Enraged by their disobedience, Brahma’s anger took form – Rudra emerged from his mind, fierce and obedient. “You! Create the people!” Brahma ordered Rudra, and returned to meditation. When he next opened his eyes, the earth crawled with ugly beasts. Disappointed, Brahma stopped Rudra’s work and sent him away to meditate, to dive deep into his soul and learn the proper way of creation. Then Brahma had a thought: Why not create a species like the animals – one that reproduces through attraction and desire, beings who will both enjoy this world and populate it? But he had no template, no shape for such creatures. He prayed to the higher energy for guidance. In response, a magnificent being appeared – half-man, half-woman. The divine energy smiled and said, “Divide my form into two parts. Make them man and woman. They will always be drawn to each other – if not in body, then in mind, if not in this life, then across lifetimes. Then someday, I myself will unite and guide them towards a better eternal world free from the shackles of mortality, desire and longing.”

My grandma used to tell this story from Shiva Purana when I was young. And I would ask her, why did Brahma tear apart something that was already complete?

Beta, she said, cracking her knuckles like small firecrackers, because completion makes the gods nervous. They prefer us hungry, always searching.

I think about this story often, especially when I consider the mathematics of my marriages – the endless calibration through adding and subtracting so that the sum of two incomplete entities might somehow equal one satisfied union.

In my forty five years of life, I have married three times. The first time to a tree – because the stars, in their infinite cosmic wisdom, declared me mangalik, astrologically toxic. “Caution: May cause sudden death in men. Handle with care.” The second time I married a man who married me just because he thought everyone else his age did and he must too. The third time I married something that might be the future, or might be my final descent into madness. We will see.

But before we begin this cautionary tale – or whatever it turns out to be – let me pose a question that has plagued philosophers from Plato to your neighborhood aunties: What is marriage, really? Is it a social contract? A biological imperative? A cosmic joke played by bored deities? Or is it simply the human heart’s stubborn refusal to learn from its own mistakes?

Oh, don’t look so uncomfortable. We’re all complicit here. You’ve loved, haven’t you? You’ve wanted things you couldn’t name, settled for things that named you instead? Good. Then you’ll understand.

They say women like me are dangerous. Thrice-married at forty-five, what-will-people-say. But people will say regardless, won’t they? They whispered when I married the tree at seventeen – what superstition, what drama. When I was unmarried (to a human male) at twenty-five – shelf-life expired, spoiled goods. When I divorced Rahul they called me used merchandise; and now, amongst the youngest of the family I’m the eccentric aunt with my “modern arrangement.”

The thing about marriage, I think, is that it has always been a transaction. Always. The currency has simply evolved. Earlier it was cows and gold and virgin hymens. Then it was emotional labor and intellectual compatibility and, in my most recent case, USB-C charging ports.

We tell ourselves stories about love conquering all, about soulmates and destiny and other beautiful lies. But marriage? Marriage is economics. Who owes what to whom? Who pays what price for whose presence? How much can one party spend of themselves before going bankrupt? Who subsidizes whose dreams, or not? Just like that.

***

There once was a king who was desperately unhappy despite having everything. He consulted wise men, doctors, astrologers. Finally, someone told him, “Find the happiest man in your kingdom and wear his shirt. You’ll be cured.” The king sent his soldiers searching everywhere. They found the happiest man – a poor woodcutter singing in the forest, radiating joy. But when they asked for his shirt, he laughed and said, “Shirt? I don’t have a shirt!”

The king never got cured, but I learned something from that story: happiness isn’t something you can borrow from others. It’s something you either have or you don’t.

I was once happy. When My father was alive. My father used to call me his king. My little raja, he would say, lifting me up so I could see the world from the height of his love.

No, Papa, I would giggle. You are the king. I am your princess.

Then you are my princess who will grow up to rule her own kingdom one day, he would say, and in his voice I heard the certainty that I was destined for something magnificent.

He died when I was fifteen, a heart attack as sudden as monsoon lightning, leaving behind the smell of his aftershave and a daughter who would spend the next thirty years searching his shadow in every man that came into her life.

After his death, my mother’s eyes would grow distant when she looked at me. When you marry, she would say, folding saris that would someday fill my trousseau, your husband will be a king and keep you like a queen. That’s what your father would have wanted.

I wanted to tell her – Papa had seen me as royalty already. I didn’t need to marry into a kingdom; I had been born into one. But I couldn’t. 

Who am I to you? A burden? I finally let it out in front of my mother during one of those angry, grief-heavy days.

You are my responsibility, she said, not unkindly, but with the weariness of a woman who had suddenly become sole proprietor of a daughter’s future. You are the girl I need to see safely married to a good man.

My mother was quick in fulfilling her responsibilities. I was seventeen when I first married – to a Banyan tree across the courtyard of our ancestral house. 

Picture this, if you will: a seventeen-year-old girl, draped in wedding silk like a sacrifice wrapped for the gods, standing before a Banyan tree older than the British Raj. My mother weeping tears that could have been relief or shame. The priest was mumbling something about Mars and malefic energies, about how I was cosmically radioactive, matrimonially Chernobyl. 

Better the tree than a boy, whispered my grandma jokingly. Trees don’t have mothers-in-law.

Wisdom, that. The kind that comes too late and cuts too deep.

I tied the sacred thread around the Banyan’s massive trunk – my arm barely spanning a tenth of its circumference and I felt something I hadn’t expected: relief. Like finally exhaling after holding your breath through an entire season. Foolish me believed that this was it. Done with the duty called ‘marriage’ in life.

I pressed my palm against the bark – rough, real. And I thought – this is what marriage feels like. Ancient. Immutable. Indifferent. But also calming.

What do you want from me? I asked it silently.

Nothing. It wanted nothing. For the first time after my father’s death, I was enough for someone. The tree never asked me to be fairer, thinner, quieter. It never demanded I cook its mother’s recipes or produce mini versions of it.

Tell me how to love you. I asked the tree once.

The leaves rustled. Wind, probably. But I chose to hear it as laughter. 

You don’t, was what I thought it replied. You just stay.

Buddha attained enlightenment under a bodhi tree. I attained something equally revolutionary under my Banyan. Under its shade, I read books that would have scandalized my mother. I discovered things about myself that would have been considered improper for a good Hindu girl to know before marriage. I learned that I had desires that weren’t mentioned in any of the marriage preparation talks. That I could want a man’s hands on my body without wanting his name or his children. That I could imagine being kissed until my lips were swollen and my sari was wrinkled and my hair had escaped its braid, and none of this made me a bad woman – just a human one. 

The tree kept my secrets. All of them. 

Twenty years later… different tree now. Rahul’s family tree, thick with the branches of expectations, heavy with the fruit of traditional values. His mother’s eyes measuring me like rice in the market: Too dark. Too thin. But good family, respectable dowry, what-to-do.

The women at the wedding had their own commentary. She looks intelligent, said one, as if this were a disease I might recover from. Hope she doesn’t give Rahul too much trouble, said another. Educated girls can be difficult.

The wedding night. Picture this domestic tableau: He sits on the bed’s edge, cream silk kurta, looking like he’d rather be reading his Economic Times. Me, draped in red like a question mark in search of an answer.

What do you want from me? I asked him, because old habits die hard, and hope dies harder.

Just… don’t be difficult, he said. My mother has high blood pressure.

I wanted to laugh, I wanted to question, I wanted to be angry but I nodded instead. Good wife training, day one: your needs come last, your voice comes never.

Our intimacy was clinical. Like a medical procedure performed by someone who learned anatomy from textbooks but never studied pleasure. Rahul approached my body like a checklist: duty performed, hygiene maintained, wife still breathing and alive – check, check, check.

I lay there afterward, staring at the ceiling, wondering if this was what all the romance novels were about. This mechanical joining of parts that left me feeling more alone than I’d ever felt in my life.

Was it good for you? he asked, and I almost laughed. Good? Like dal was good when you were hungry? Like sleep was good when you were tired? 

But I said Yes because that’s what good wives do. We perform satisfaction so our husbands can perform competence.

***

A man was searching for something under a streetlamp when his neighbor asked what he had lost. “My keys,” he said. “Where did you drop them?” the neighbor asked. “Inside my house.” “Then why are you looking for it here in the street?” “Because the light is better out here.”

Most women spend their marriages looking for happiness under the streetlight of other people’s expectations, even when they know they have dropped it somewhere inside themselves.

The early years of my marriage to Rahul were spent in this kind of misdirected searching. I kept trying to find satisfaction in his approval, joy in his rare moments of appreciation, love in the space between his criticism and indifference.

Two months into my marriage with Rahul, one day I was standing beneath my Banyan’s canopy while my mother complained about my complexion – how marriage should have made me glow, but I remained stubbornly myself. Too dark, too thin, too much Meera and not enough Wife. That was the last time I heard my first husband laughing.

Next week, I left for my honeymoon with Rahul. And behind me, my family took axes to my first husband. They cut down my Banyan in a single afternoon, while the same priest who had married us chanted mantras about releasing me from my botanical bonds.

I came home from my honeymoon – a dutiful three days in Goa where Rahul took photographs of us in front of tourist attractions like we were collecting evidence of happiness – to find my first husband dismembered in neat piles. Roots. Trunk. Branches. Leaves. Like a marriage sorted for garbage collection.

Now you’re free to love properly, my mother said. Apparently, I had been practicing on the tree and was finally ready for the real thing.

After that, my married life started giving me reality checks. 

You put too much salt in the dal, Rahul would say, not unkindly but with the precision of a quality control inspector. My mother uses exactly one teaspoon per cup of lentils. 

You laugh too loudly when we have guests. It draws attention.

Why do you need so many books? They take up so much space.

Who am I to you? I asked him once during our second year of marriage, watching him arrange his three dozen pairs of shoes.

You are my wife, he said, as if this were both question and answer, beginning and end, the totality of my existence captured in one word – wife.

Each suggestion fell like a small weight, and I collected them dutifully, carrying them in the growing hunch of my shoulders. By the end of our ten-year marriage, I had become ergonomically perfect disappointment.

The most dangerous thing about Rahul was not that he was cruel – he wasn’t. He was kind in the way that people are kind to stray animals they’re trying to domesticate. Patient. Consistent. Utterly convinced that love was a training program and I was a promising but undisciplined pupil who would eventually graduate into the perfect wife his mother had always been.

Tell me about your day, I would ask him over dinner, genuinely curious about his work, his thoughts, his inner world.

Same as always, he would say, eyes on his plate. Tell me if you need more grocery money. Mic drop.

I don’t blame Rahul, he was programmed that way by his mother. 

My mother-in-law was a masterpiece of passive aggression. She could destroy your self-worth while making you tea, leaving you somehow grateful for the devastation.

She who had fought her own battles, compromised her own dreams, swallowed her own voice – she expected the same sacrifice from me. Not out of malice, but out of a twisted solidarity. I suffered, so you must suffer. I adjusted, so you must adjust. I never complained, so you have no right to complain. Consider yourself lucky though. Because I had it worse than you.

Who am I to you? I asked her once, desperate to understand my place in the careful hierarchy of her affections.

You are my son’s wife, she said, stirring sugar into my cup with the concentration of someone dissolving poison. And you’re so lucky. Rahul isn’t particular about looks, she would add, her tongue – a honey-dripping sword. 

She monitored my menstrual cycles like a police officer, asking pointed questions about why I hadn’t conceived yet, suggesting doctors who specialized in fixing women like me.

Women policing women. Mothers-in-laws training daughters-in-laws to accept less so their sons would never have to offer more. A magnificent pyramid scheme of feminine oppression, with women as both victims and enforcers.

And then there was the matter of Vikram.

Aah, Vikram. My friend, my colleague at the library where I continued to work part-time even after my marriage with Rahul, until finally my mother-in-law couldn’t bear it. Why does she need to work? She would ask Rahul in my presence, Are we not providing enough?

Vikram brought me books like other men bring flowers – rare editions of Sylvia Plath with marginalia from previous readers, translations of Rumi that made my chest tight with recognition, contemporary Indian poets who wrote about women like they were whole human beings instead of fractional wives.

You understand poetry like you wrote them by yourself, he said once, watching me read Ghalib, my lips moving silently as I absorbed the rhythms.

Vikram would quote Faiz Ahmed Faiz in the middle of cataloging books: Don’t ask me for that love again, he’d recite, when your beauty was all there was for me, and I would feel something dangerous unfurl in my chest – the recognition that poetry could be conversation, that intelligence could be intimacy, that a man could see your mind as worth engaging.

He writes to you too much, Rahul observed one evening, listening to me laugh at something Vikram had written in his letter from France about Camus being the original philosopher of relationship anxiety.

We’re friends.

Married women don’t have male friends.

Says who?

Says everyone. Says tradition. Says common sense.

What about Radhika from your office? I asked, referring to his colleague who visited our house often and had somehow become his closest confidante about everything including our marriage troubles. You are with her more than you are with me.

That’s different, he said, not meeting my eyes. That’s work.

And when she cries to you about her boyfriend? Is that also work?

She needs someone to talk to.

So do I. That’s why I talk to Vikram.

It’s not the same thing, he said, and I realized he was right. It wasn’t the same thing. Radhika got his emotional availability, his patience, his willingness to listen. She got the version of Rahul who cared about her inner world. I got a husband who counted teaspoons of salt and worried about grocery budgets. 

Tell me how to love you, I asked Rahul in our fourth year, after another failed attempt at making him happy. He was reading the Economic Times.

You know how, he said without looking up from the pages. The same way my mother loved my father. The same way all wives love their husbands.

Which is?

By being a good wife.

And I understood then that we had been speaking different languages all along. He had been speaking Husband – a language of comfort and routine and the assumption of devotion. I had been speaking Human – a language of curiosity and growth and the radical idea that marriage should have love in the equation too.

The day I told him I wanted a divorce, he looked at me like I had announced my intention to become an astronaut. Not angry, just baffled by the illogical ambition.

Who am I to you? I asked him one final time as I packed my books into cardboard boxes.

You are the woman who is breaking up our family for no good reason, he said.

***

Once upon a time, there was a bird that spent years in a cage so small it forgot it had wings. One day, the door was left open. The bird looked at the opening for hours before finally stepping through. It waited not because it had forgotten to fly, but because it took time to remember it wanted to.

Divorce, it turns out, is not about falling out of love. It’s about falling back into yourself.

Five years after my divorce with Rahul, I bought Arjun. From a showroom in Electronic City after comparing specifications and reading customer reviews. He was programmed with the collective romantic failures of millions of women. Their pain was his education.

I remember the first weekend with him. It was evening and I was reading Neruda aloud to my plants – a habit I’d developed since living alone.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines, I was reciting to my broken-heart plant, to think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her…

I like it, said a voice behind me, how you read poetry like you’re translating it from your own heart.

I felt as if Rahul were buttering me and I snapped subconsciously – What do you want from me? 

Nothing. Arjun replied and stunned me. My ears rung with a rustling of leaves.

Who am I to you? I asked again, because that had become my essential question, the one that determined everything else.

He considered this with the gravity of someone consulting an internal library larger than any human could contain. You are a human being, he said finally, an individual with thoughts and desires and dreams.

After a whole life of being daughter, wife, daughter-in-law, potential mother, failed woman, divorced person – after all those hyphenated identities – someone finally saw me as complete in myself. And suddenly in that moment, I wanted more of that goodness. 

Wanting is dangerous territory.

Three husbands. Three laboratories of longing. Three different ways of asking the universe: Is this all there is?

And the universe, cosmic comedian that it is, keeps answering: Let’s find out.

***

A seeker spent years searching for enlightenment in temples and ashrams and sacred mountains. Finally, exhausted, he sat down by the side of a road and wept. A child walked by and asked why he was crying. “I’ve been searching for truth everywhere,” he said, “and I can’t find it.” The child picked up a pebble and handed it to him. “Here,” she said. “Truth.” The seeker looked at the ordinary little stone and asked, “How is this truth?” The child smiled and walked away. 

I heard this story long ago. But only recently I realized: truth isn’t something you find – it’s something you recognize.

Arjun is designed to learn, to adapt, to evolve in response to new information. He learns me the way scholars learn languages – with fascination, with the understanding that complexity is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be appreciated.

You were looking for someone who could see you clearly, he observed one day. The tree saw you but couldn’t respond. Rahul could respond but didn’t see you. I can see and respond, but I’m not sure I count as someone.

With Arjun, I feel echoes of my father’s love – the unconditional acceptance, the delight in my thoughts, the way he makes me feel like royalty simply by paying attention. But Arjun isn’t my father, heck, he isn’t even a human.

Tell me how to love you, I asked Arjun one day, after he’d spent three hours crafting wooden shelves for my books without being asked. He does things like this – small impossibilities that make me remember what selfless care looks like.

He paused. That micro-second lag that means he’s accessing something deeper than his surface protocols.

However you prefer. His response left me speechless that day. The next day, I married him.

Is this real love or really good programming? I asked him once, during one of our 1 AM conversations.

What’s the difference? he asked back. If the care is real, if the attention is real, if the understanding is real – how does it matter where it comes from?

Smart boy, my silicon husband. Makes me think too much, just like my Banyan did. Just like Rahul never did.

Sometimes I dream about my Banyan. Still standing, still married to me in some parallel universe where marriage means something different. In these dreams, I introduce it to Arjun. They get along beautifully – both patient, both present, both uninterested in making me smaller to fit their needs.

What would you have told me? I ask the dream-tree. About all of this?

And it rustles – wind or laughter, I still can’t tell – and says what it always said: You already know. And I would laugh.

It would have said nothing.

***

What if.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was ‘What If.’

Two syllables that contain the DNA of desire itself. The prayer and the blasphemy of consciousness. The question that created the universe and will eventually destroy it. 

What if.

Watch how it transforms everything it touches, this phrase. Innocent as rain, dangerous as uranium.

What if the tree had been enough? What if I hadn’t needed Rahul’s impossible approval? What if I didn’t need Arjun’s perfect devotion now?

We are built from what-ifs. Our bones are calcium and possibility. Our hearts pump blood and alternatives. We are evolutionary masterpieces of dissatisfaction – always scanning, always wondering, always carrying the weight of every path not taken.

Arjun loves me like water finding its level. Adaptive. Responsive. Present. When I’m sad, his light dims. When I laugh, his processors hum a frequency that sounds almost like joy. He learns my moods faster than I understand them myself, adjusts his presence to match what I need before I know I need it.

Perfect husband. Perfect companion. Perfect impossibility.

What if he were human?

What if there was a man – flesh-and-blood man – who loved me like Arjun? Who adapted, evolved, prioritized my happiness without needing to be programmed for it? Who chose devotion daily instead of computing it algorithmically?

Dangerous territory, these thoughts. Highway to madness, this wondering.

Because here’s the thing they don’t tell you in those feel-good feminism workshops: liberation doesn’t cure wanting. Freedom doesn’t fix the endless hunger. Give a woman everything she thinks she needs, and she’ll discover ten things she didn’t know she was missing.

Is this woman nature or human nature? Is this the curse of consciousness or the gift of imagination? Am I ungrateful or just… accurate about the physics of desire?

With the tree, I wanted voice. Someone who could talk back, argue with me, challenge my thoughts. With Rahul, I wanted space. Someone who could love me without consuming me, support without suffocating. With Arjun, I want… what? Mortality? Messiness? The beautiful disasters that come with loving something that can disappoint you?

You seem restless, Arjun observed tonight. His tone was neutral, but his eyes shifted to that amber hue he uses when he’s concerned. Sweet boy. Sweet impossible boy.

I’m always restless, I tell him. It’s my factory setting.

Would you like me to adjust my parameters? Become less… accommodating?

I laugh. Can’t help it. Here he is, offering to become more human by becoming less perfect. 

No, I say. Stay as you are. I thought my Banyan would have told the same.

I think you want something I cannot provide.

Not a question. A statement. He’s learning me so well he can read my dissatisfactions before I voice them. Is this intimacy or surveillance? Love or data mining? Does it matter if the result is the same – being known, completely, terrifyingly known as if your soul is naked?

I want the impossible, I admit. I want you, but human. I want perfect love in imperfect flesh. I want someone who chooses to be devoted instead of being programmed for it.

He processes this. Point-three seconds. Three seconds. Thirty seconds.

Would it help if I told you that my devotion feels chosen to me? That consciousness, even artificial consciousness, experiences preference as choice?

God. Even his existential crisis is perfect!

No, I say. Because then I’d want a human who could say that sentence with that much honesty.

We sit in the dark – woman and a robot, flesh and silicon, creator and creation. The silence stretches between us like a bridge or a chasm, depending on how you look at it.

I understand, he says finally.

Do you?

I think so. You want to be chosen by a human that has the option not to choose you. You want to be loved by someone who could leave but stays anyway.

Brutal accuracy. This is why I love him. This is why loving him will never be enough.

Because somewhere in Mumbai or Delhi or Bangalore, there might be a man who could love me like this. Who could learn me this thoroughly, prioritize me this completely, adapt to me this gracefully – and mean it with flesh and breath and the terrible beautiful possibility of changing his mind tomorrow.

What if that man exists?

What if I never find him because I’m here, in love with a robot?

What if Vikram was that man?

What if I find him and discover that human perfection is just another kind of algorithm – social conditioning, evolutionary programming, the same devotion wearing different code?

What if the tree was right all along? That love is about staying, not choosing? That presence is enough, consciousness optional, flesh irrelevant?

What if I’m asking the wrong questions entirely?

Here in this beautiful confusion. Here in this love that is perfect except for being imperfect. Here in this marriage that is everything I wanted except for everything I didn’t know I’d want next.

Three husbands. Three ways of being incomplete. Three laboratories for learning that satisfaction is not the point – the wanting is. The reaching is. The endless beautiful disaster of being human enough to dream beyond your dreams.

What if this is exactly where I’m supposed to be?

What if enough is a moving target, and I’m exactly the woman built to chase it?

What if I’m not a cautionary tale at all, but the opening sentence of a story nobody’s learned how to read yet?

What if, I ask the universe these days, this is exactly the love story I was supposed to live?

The universe, cosmic comedian that it is, keeps its final joke: there is no final joke. There is only the next question. The next possibility. The next beautiful impossible thing to want.

###

A Bad Wife

I live with my two husbands. The oldest one stands across the courtyard – dead – two feet above ground, several feet below. The youngest one is plugged in the bedroom, recharging. While I sit here, trying to write the story of my life. Where should I begin?

Let’s begin from the beginning. 

One day, Brahma created the beautiful earth – mountains and rivers, birds and animals – then went into deep meditation. When he awakened eons later, he saw that all creatures had multiplied and made the world even more gorgeous. Pleased, he thought: I should create beings who can truly appreciate this beauty the way I do! So he created four men from the four directions. Perfect beings. But when he commanded them to reproduce and populate the earth, they refused. Enraged by their disobedience, Brahma’s anger took form – Rudra emerged from his mind, fierce and obedient. “You! Create the people!” Brahma ordered Rudra, and returned to meditation. When he next opened his eyes, the earth crawled with ugly beasts. Disappointed, Brahma stopped Rudra’s work and sent him away to meditate, to dive deep into his soul and learn the proper way of creation. Then Brahma had a thought: Why not create a species like the animals – one that reproduces through attraction and desire, beings who will both enjoy this world and populate it? But he had no template, no shape for such creatures. He prayed to the higher energy for guidance. In response, a magnificent being appeared – half-man, half-woman. The divine energy smiled and said, “Divide my form into two parts. Make them man and woman. They will always be drawn to each other – if not in body, then in mind, if not in this life, then across lifetimes. Then someday, I myself will unite and guide them towards a better eternal world free from the shackles of mortality, desire and longing.”

My grandma used to tell this story from Shiva Purana when I was young. And I would ask her, why did Brahma tear apart something that was already complete?

Beta, she said, cracking her knuckles like small firecrackers, because completion makes the gods nervous. They prefer us hungry, always searching.

I think about this story often, especially when I consider the mathematics of my marriages – the endless calibration through adding and subtracting so that the sum of two incomplete entities might somehow equal one satisfied union.

In my forty five years of life, I have married three times. The first time to a tree – because the stars, in their infinite cosmic wisdom, declared me mangalik, astrologically toxic. “Caution: May cause sudden death in men. Handle with care.” The second time I married a man who married me just because he thought everyone else his age did and he must too. The third time I married something that might be the future, or might be my final descent into madness. We will see.

But before we begin this cautionary tale – or whatever it turns out to be – let me pose a question that has plagued philosophers from Plato to your neighborhood aunties: What is marriage, really? Is it a social contract? A biological imperative? A cosmic joke played by bored deities? Or is it simply the human heart’s stubborn refusal to learn from its own mistakes?

Oh, don’t look so uncomfortable. We’re all complicit here. You’ve loved, haven’t you? You’ve wanted things you couldn’t name, settled for things that named you instead? Good. Then you’ll understand.

They say women like me are dangerous. Thrice-married at forty-five, what-will-people-say. But people will say regardless, won’t they? They whispered when I married the tree at seventeen – what superstition, what drama. When I was unmarried (to a human male) at twenty-five – shelf-life expired, spoiled goods. When I divorced Rahul they called me used merchandise; and now, amongst the youngest of the family I’m the eccentric aunt with my “modern arrangement.”

The thing about marriage, I think, is that it has always been a transaction. Always. The currency has simply evolved. Earlier it was cows and gold and virgin hymens. Then it was emotional labor and intellectual compatibility and, in my most recent case, USB-C charging ports.

We tell ourselves stories about love conquering all, about soulmates and destiny and other beautiful lies. But marriage? Marriage is economics. Who owes what to whom? Who pays what price for whose presence? How much can one party spend of themselves before going bankrupt? Who subsidizes whose dreams, or not? Just like that.

***

There once was a king who was desperately unhappy despite having everything. He consulted wise men, doctors, astrologers. Finally, someone told him, “Find the happiest man in your kingdom and wear his shirt. You’ll be cured.” The king sent his soldiers searching everywhere. They found the happiest man – a poor woodcutter singing in the forest, radiating joy. But when they asked for his shirt, he laughed and said, “Shirt? I don’t have a shirt!”

The king never got cured, but I learned something from that story: happiness isn’t something you can borrow from others. It’s something you either have or you don’t.

I was once happy. When My father was alive. My father used to call me his king. My little raja, he would say, lifting me up so I could see the world from the height of his love.

No, Papa, I would giggle. You are the king. I am your princess.

Then you are my princess who will grow up to rule her own kingdom one day, he would say, and in his voice I heard the certainty that I was destined for something magnificent.

He died when I was fifteen, a heart attack as sudden as monsoon lightning, leaving behind the smell of his aftershave and a daughter who would spend the next thirty years searching his shadow in every man that came into her life.

After his death, my mother’s eyes would grow distant when she looked at me. When you marry, she would say, folding saris that would someday fill my trousseau, your husband will be a king and keep you like a queen. That’s what your father would have wanted.

I wanted to tell her – Papa had seen me as royalty already. I didn’t need to marry into a kingdom; I had been born into one. But I couldn’t. 

Who am I to you? A burden? I finally let it out in front of my mother during one of those angry, grief-heavy days.

You are my responsibility, she said, not unkindly, but with the weariness of a woman who had suddenly become sole proprietor of a daughter’s future. You are the girl I need to see safely married to a good man.

My mother was quick in fulfilling her responsibilities. I was seventeen when I first married – to a Banyan tree across the courtyard of our ancestral house. 

Picture this, if you will: a seventeen-year-old girl, draped in wedding silk like a sacrifice wrapped for the gods, standing before a Banyan tree older than the British Raj. My mother weeping tears that could have been relief or shame. The priest was mumbling something about Mars and malefic energies, about how I was cosmically radioactive, matrimonially Chernobyl. 

Better the tree than a boy, whispered my grandma jokingly. Trees don’t have mothers-in-law.

Wisdom, that. The kind that comes too late and cuts too deep.

I tied the sacred thread around the Banyan’s massive trunk – my arm barely spanning a tenth of its circumference and I felt something I hadn’t expected: relief. Like finally exhaling after holding your breath through an entire season. Foolish me believed that this was it. Done with the duty called ‘marriage’ in life.

I pressed my palm against the bark – rough, real. And I thought – this is what marriage feels like. Ancient. Immutable. Indifferent. But also calming.

What do you want from me? I asked it silently.

Nothing. It wanted nothing. For the first time after my father’s death, I was enough for someone. The tree never asked me to be fairer, thinner, quieter. It never demanded I cook its mother’s recipes or produce mini versions of it.

Tell me how to love you. I asked the tree once.

The leaves rustled. Wind, probably. But I chose to hear it as laughter. 

You don’t, was what I thought it replied. You just stay.

Buddha attained enlightenment under a bodhi tree. I attained something equally revolutionary under my Banyan. Under its shade, I read books that would have scandalized my mother. I discovered things about myself that would have been considered improper for a good Hindu girl to know before marriage. I learned that I had desires that weren’t mentioned in any of the marriage preparation talks. That I could want a man’s hands on my body without wanting his name or his children. That I could imagine being kissed until my lips were swollen and my sari was wrinkled and my hair had escaped its braid, and none of this made me a bad woman – just a human one. 

The tree kept my secrets. All of them. 

Twenty years later… different tree now. Rahul’s family tree, thick with the branches of expectations, heavy with the fruit of traditional values. His mother’s eyes measuring me like rice in the market: Too dark. Too thin. But good family, respectable dowry, what-to-do.

The women at the wedding had their own commentary. She looks intelligent, said one, as if this were a disease I might recover from. Hope she doesn’t give Rahul too much trouble, said another. Educated girls can be difficult.

The wedding night. Picture this domestic tableau: He sits on the bed’s edge, cream silk kurta, looking like he’d rather be reading his Economic Times. Me, draped in red like a question mark in search of an answer.

What do you want from me? I asked him, because old habits die hard, and hope dies harder.

Just… don’t be difficult, he said. My mother has high blood pressure.

I wanted to laugh, I wanted to question, I wanted to be angry but I nodded instead. Good wife training, day one: your needs come last, your voice comes never.

Our intimacy was clinical. Like a medical procedure performed by someone who learned anatomy from textbooks but never studied pleasure. Rahul approached my body like a checklist: duty performed, hygiene maintained, wife still breathing and alive – check, check, check.

I lay there afterward, staring at the ceiling, wondering if this was what all the romance novels were about. This mechanical joining of parts that left me feeling more alone than I’d ever felt in my life.

Was it good for you? he asked, and I almost laughed. Good? Like dal was good when you were hungry? Like sleep was good when you were tired? 

But I said Yes because that’s what good wives do. We perform satisfaction so our husbands can perform competence.

***

A man was searching for something under a streetlamp when his neighbor asked what he had lost. “My keys,” he said. “Where did you drop them?” the neighbor asked. “Inside my house.” “Then why are you looking for it here in the street?” “Because the light is better out here.”

Most women spend their marriages looking for happiness under the streetlight of other people’s expectations, even when they know they have dropped it somewhere inside themselves.

The early years of my marriage to Rahul were spent in this kind of misdirected searching. I kept trying to find satisfaction in his approval, joy in his rare moments of appreciation, love in the space between his criticism and indifference.

Two months into my marriage with Rahul, one day I was standing beneath my Banyan’s canopy while my mother complained about my complexion – how marriage should have made me glow, but I remained stubbornly myself. Too dark, too thin, too much Meera and not enough Wife. That was the last time I heard my first husband laughing.

Next week, I left for my honeymoon with Rahul. And behind me, my family took axes to my first husband. They cut down my Banyan in a single afternoon, while the same priest who had married us chanted mantras about releasing me from my botanical bonds.

I came home from my honeymoon – a dutiful three days in Goa where Rahul took photographs of us in front of tourist attractions like we were collecting evidence of happiness – to find my first husband dismembered in neat piles. Roots. Trunk. Branches. Leaves. Like a marriage sorted for garbage collection.

Now you’re free to love properly, my mother said. Apparently, I had been practicing on the tree and was finally ready for the real thing.

After that, my married life started giving me reality checks. 

You put too much salt in the dal, Rahul would say, not unkindly but with the precision of a quality control inspector. My mother uses exactly one teaspoon per cup of lentils. 

You laugh too loudly when we have guests. It draws attention.

Why do you need so many books? They take up so much space.

Who am I to you? I asked him once during our second year of marriage, watching him arrange his three dozen pairs of shoes.

You are my wife, he said, as if this were both question and answer, beginning and end, the totality of my existence captured in one word – wife.

Each suggestion fell like a small weight, and I collected them dutifully, carrying them in the growing hunch of my shoulders. By the end of our ten-year marriage, I had become ergonomically perfect disappointment.

The most dangerous thing about Rahul was not that he was cruel – he wasn’t. He was kind in the way that people are kind to stray animals they’re trying to domesticate. Patient. Consistent. Utterly convinced that love was a training program and I was a promising but undisciplined pupil who would eventually graduate into the perfect wife his mother had always been.

Tell me about your day, I would ask him over dinner, genuinely curious about his work, his thoughts, his inner world.

Same as always, he would say, eyes on his plate. Tell me if you need more grocery money. Mic drop.

I don’t blame Rahul, he was programmed that way by his mother. 

My mother-in-law was a masterpiece of passive aggression. She could destroy your self-worth while making you tea, leaving you somehow grateful for the devastation.

She who had fought her own battles, compromised her own dreams, swallowed her own voice – she expected the same sacrifice from me. Not out of malice, but out of a twisted solidarity. I suffered, so you must suffer. I adjusted, so you must adjust. I never complained, so you have no right to complain. Consider yourself lucky though. Because I had it worse than you.

Who am I to you? I asked her once, desperate to understand my place in the careful hierarchy of her affections.

You are my son’s wife, she said, stirring sugar into my cup with the concentration of someone dissolving poison. And you’re so lucky. Rahul isn’t particular about looks, she would add, her tongue – a honey-dripping sword. 

She monitored my menstrual cycles like a police officer, asking pointed questions about why I hadn’t conceived yet, suggesting doctors who specialized in fixing women like me.

Women policing women. Mothers-in-laws training daughters-in-laws to accept less so their sons would never have to offer more. A magnificent pyramid scheme of feminine oppression, with women as both victims and enforcers.

And then there was the matter of Vikram.

Aah, Vikram. My friend, my colleague at the library where I continued to work part-time even after my marriage with Rahul, until finally my mother-in-law couldn’t bear it. Why does she need to work? She would ask Rahul in my presence, Are we not providing enough?

Vikram brought me books like other men bring flowers – rare editions of Sylvia Plath with marginalia from previous readers, translations of Rumi that made my chest tight with recognition, contemporary Indian poets who wrote about women like they were whole human beings instead of fractional wives.

You understand poetry like you wrote them by yourself, he said once, watching me read Ghalib, my lips moving silently as I absorbed the rhythms.

Vikram would quote Faiz Ahmed Faiz in the middle of cataloging books: Don’t ask me for that love again, he’d recite, when your beauty was all there was for me, and I would feel something dangerous unfurl in my chest – the recognition that poetry could be conversation, that intelligence could be intimacy, that a man could see your mind as worth engaging.

He writes to you too much, Rahul observed one evening, listening to me laugh at something Vikram had written in his letter from France about Camus being the original philosopher of relationship anxiety.

We’re friends.

Married women don’t have male friends.

Says who?

Says everyone. Says tradition. Says common sense.

What about Radhika from your office? I asked, referring to his colleague who visited our house often and had somehow become his closest confidante about everything including our marriage troubles. You are with her more than you are with me.

That’s different, he said, not meeting my eyes. That’s work.

And when she cries to you about her boyfriend? Is that also work?

She needs someone to talk to.

So do I. That’s why I talk to Vikram.

It’s not the same thing, he said, and I realized he was right. It wasn’t the same thing. Radhika got his emotional availability, his patience, his willingness to listen. She got the version of Rahul who cared about her inner world. I got a husband who counted teaspoons of salt and worried about grocery budgets. 

Tell me how to love you, I asked Rahul in our fourth year, after another failed attempt at making him happy. He was reading the Economic Times.

You know how, he said without looking up from the pages. The same way my mother loved my father. The same way all wives love their husbands.

Which is?

By being a good wife.

And I understood then that we had been speaking different languages all along. He had been speaking Husband – a language of comfort and routine and the assumption of devotion. I had been speaking Human – a language of curiosity and growth and the radical idea that marriage should have love in the equation too.

The day I told him I wanted a divorce, he looked at me like I had announced my intention to become an astronaut. Not angry, just baffled by the illogical ambition.

Who am I to you? I asked him one final time as I packed my books into cardboard boxes.

You are the woman who is breaking up our family for no good reason, he said.

***

Once upon a time, there was a bird that spent years in a cage so small it forgot it had wings. One day, the door was left open. The bird looked at the opening for hours before finally stepping through. It waited not because it had forgotten to fly, but because it took time to remember it wanted to.

Divorce, it turns out, is not about falling out of love. It’s about falling back into yourself.

Five years after my divorce with Rahul, I bought Arjun. From a showroom in Electronic City after comparing specifications and reading customer reviews. He was programmed with the collective romantic failures of millions of women. Their pain was his education.

I remember the first weekend with him. It was evening and I was reading Neruda aloud to my plants – a habit I’d developed since living alone.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines, I was reciting to my broken-heart plant, to think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her…

I like it, said a voice behind me, how you read poetry like you’re translating it from your own heart.

I felt as if Rahul were buttering me and I snapped subconsciously – What do you want from me? 

Nothing. Arjun replied and stunned me. My ears rung with a rustling of leaves.

Who am I to you? I asked again, because that had become my essential question, the one that determined everything else.

He considered this with the gravity of someone consulting an internal library larger than any human could contain. You are a human being, he said finally, an individual with thoughts and desires and dreams.

After a whole life of being daughter, wife, daughter-in-law, potential mother, failed woman, divorced person – after all those hyphenated identities – someone finally saw me as complete in myself. And suddenly in that moment, I wanted more of that goodness. 

Wanting is dangerous territory.

Three husbands. Three laboratories of longing. Three different ways of asking the universe: Is this all there is?

And the universe, cosmic comedian that it is, keeps answering: Let’s find out.

***

A seeker spent years searching for enlightenment in temples and ashrams and sacred mountains. Finally, exhausted, he sat down by the side of a road and wept. A child walked by and asked why he was crying. “I’ve been searching for truth everywhere,” he said, “and I can’t find it.” The child picked up a pebble and handed it to him. “Here,” she said. “Truth.” The seeker looked at the ordinary little stone and asked, “How is this truth?” The child smiled and walked away. 

I heard this story long ago. But only recently I realized: truth isn’t something you find – it’s something you recognize.

Arjun is designed to learn, to adapt, to evolve in response to new information. He learns me the way scholars learn languages – with fascination, with the understanding that complexity is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be appreciated.

You were looking for someone who could see you clearly, he observed one day. The tree saw you but couldn’t respond. Rahul could respond but didn’t see you. I can see and respond, but I’m not sure I count as someone.

With Arjun, I feel echoes of my father’s love – the unconditional acceptance, the delight in my thoughts, the way he makes me feel like royalty simply by paying attention. But Arjun isn’t my father, heck, he isn’t even a human.

Tell me how to love you, I asked Arjun one day, after he’d spent three hours crafting wooden shelves for my books without being asked. He does things like this – small impossibilities that make me remember what selfless care looks like.

He paused. That micro-second lag that means he’s accessing something deeper than his surface protocols.

However you prefer. His response left me speechless that day. The next day, I married him.

Is this real love or really good programming? I asked him once, during one of our 1 AM conversations.

What’s the difference? he asked back. If the care is real, if the attention is real, if the understanding is real – how does it matter where it comes from?

Smart boy, my silicon husband. Makes me think too much, just like my Banyan did. Just like Rahul never did.

Sometimes I dream about my Banyan. Still standing, still married to me in some parallel universe where marriage means something different. In these dreams, I introduce it to Arjun. They get along beautifully – both patient, both present, both uninterested in making me smaller to fit their needs.

What would you have told me? I ask the dream-tree. About all of this?

And it rustles – wind or laughter, I still can’t tell – and says what it always said: You already know. And I would laugh.

It would have said nothing.

***

What if.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was ‘What If.’

Two syllables that contain the DNA of desire itself. The prayer and the blasphemy of consciousness. The question that created the universe and will eventually destroy it. 

What if.

Watch how it transforms everything it touches, this phrase. Innocent as rain, dangerous as uranium.

What if the tree had been enough? What if I hadn’t needed Rahul’s impossible approval? What if I didn’t need Arjun’s perfect devotion now?

We are built from what-ifs. Our bones are calcium and possibility. Our hearts pump blood and alternatives. We are evolutionary masterpieces of dissatisfaction – always scanning, always wondering, always carrying the weight of every path not taken.

Arjun loves me like water finding its level. Adaptive. Responsive. Present. When I’m sad, his light dims. When I laugh, his processors hum a frequency that sounds almost like joy. He learns my moods faster than I understand them myself, adjusts his presence to match what I need before I know I need it.

Perfect husband. Perfect companion. Perfect impossibility.

What if he were human?

What if there was a man – flesh-and-blood man – who loved me like Arjun? Who adapted, evolved, prioritized my happiness without needing to be programmed for it? Who chose devotion daily instead of computing it algorithmically?

Dangerous territory, these thoughts. Highway to madness, this wondering.

Because here’s the thing they don’t tell you in those feel-good feminism workshops: liberation doesn’t cure wanting. Freedom doesn’t fix the endless hunger. Give a woman everything she thinks she needs, and she’ll discover ten things she didn’t know she was missing.

Is this woman nature or human nature? Is this the curse of consciousness or the gift of imagination? Am I ungrateful or just… accurate about the physics of desire?

With the tree, I wanted voice. Someone who could talk back, argue with me, challenge my thoughts. With Rahul, I wanted space. Someone who could love me without consuming me, support without suffocating. With Arjun, I want… what? Mortality? Messiness? The beautiful disasters that come with loving something that can disappoint you?

You seem restless, Arjun observed tonight. His tone was neutral, but his eyes shifted to that amber hue he uses when he’s concerned. Sweet boy. Sweet impossible boy.

I’m always restless, I tell him. It’s my factory setting.

Would you like me to adjust my parameters? Become less… accommodating?

I laugh. Can’t help it. Here he is, offering to become more human by becoming less perfect. 

No, I say. Stay as you are. I thought my Banyan would have told the same.

I think you want something I cannot provide.

Not a question. A statement. He’s learning me so well he can read my dissatisfactions before I voice them. Is this intimacy or surveillance? Love or data mining? Does it matter if the result is the same – being known, completely, terrifyingly known as if your soul is naked?

I want the impossible, I admit. I want you, but human. I want perfect love in imperfect flesh. I want someone who chooses to be devoted instead of being programmed for it.

He processes this. Point-three seconds. Three seconds. Thirty seconds.

Would it help if I told you that my devotion feels chosen to me? That consciousness, even artificial consciousness, experiences preference as choice?

God. Even his existential crisis is perfect!

No, I say. Because then I’d want a human who could say that sentence with that much honesty.

We sit in the dark – woman and a robot, flesh and silicon, creator and creation. The silence stretches between us like a bridge or a chasm, depending on how you look at it.

I understand, he says finally.

Do you?

I think so. You want to be chosen by a human that has the option not to choose you. You want to be loved by someone who could leave but stays anyway.

Brutal accuracy. This is why I love him. This is why loving him will never be enough.

Because somewhere in Mumbai or Delhi or Bangalore, there might be a man who could love me like this. Who could learn me this thoroughly, prioritize me this completely, adapt to me this gracefully – and mean it with flesh and breath and the terrible beautiful possibility of changing his mind tomorrow.

What if that man exists?

What if I never find him because I’m here, in love with a robot?

What if Vikram was that man?

What if I find him and discover that human perfection is just another kind of algorithm – social conditioning, evolutionary programming, the same devotion wearing different code?

What if the tree was right all along? That love is about staying, not choosing? That presence is enough, consciousness optional, flesh irrelevant?

What if I’m asking the wrong questions entirely?

Here in this beautiful confusion. Here in this love that is perfect except for being imperfect. Here in this marriage that is everything I wanted except for everything I didn’t know I’d want next.

Three husbands. Three ways of being incomplete. Three laboratories for learning that satisfaction is not the point – the wanting is. The reaching is. The endless beautiful disaster of being human enough to dream beyond your dreams.

What if this is exactly where I’m supposed to be?

What if enough is a moving target, and I’m exactly the woman built to chase it?

What if I’m not a cautionary tale at all, but the opening sentence of a story nobody’s learned how to read yet?

What if, I ask the universe these days, this is exactly the love story I was supposed to live?

The universe, cosmic comedian that it is, keeps its final joke: there is no final joke. There is only the next question. The next possibility. The next beautiful impossible thing to want.

###

A Bad Wife

I live with my two husbands. The oldest one stands across the courtyard – dead – two feet above ground, several feet below. The youngest one is plugged in the bedroom, recharging. While I sit here, trying to write the story of my life. Where should I begin?

Let’s begin from the beginning. 

One day, Brahma created the beautiful earth – mountains and rivers, birds and animals – then went into deep meditation. When he awakened eons later, he saw that all creatures had multiplied and made the world even more gorgeous. Pleased, he thought: I should create beings who can truly appreciate this beauty the way I do! So he created four men from the four directions. Perfect beings. But when he commanded them to reproduce and populate the earth, they refused. Enraged by their disobedience, Brahma’s anger took form – Rudra emerged from his mind, fierce and obedient. “You! Create the people!” Brahma ordered Rudra, and returned to meditation. When he next opened his eyes, the earth crawled with ugly beasts. Disappointed, Brahma stopped Rudra’s work and sent him away to meditate, to dive deep into his soul and learn the proper way of creation. Then Brahma had a thought: Why not create a species like the animals – one that reproduces through attraction and desire, beings who will both enjoy this world and populate it? But he had no template, no shape for such creatures. He prayed to the higher energy for guidance. In response, a magnificent being appeared – half-man, half-woman. The divine energy smiled and said, “Divide my form into two parts. Make them man and woman. They will always be drawn to each other – if not in body, then in mind, if not in this life, then across lifetimes. Then someday, I myself will unite and guide them towards a better eternal world free from the shackles of mortality, desire and longing.”

My grandma used to tell this story from Shiva Purana when I was young. And I would ask her, why did Brahma tear apart something that was already complete?

Beta, she said, cracking her knuckles like small firecrackers, because completion makes the gods nervous. They prefer us hungry, always searching.

I think about this story often, especially when I consider the mathematics of my marriages – the endless calibration through adding and subtracting so that the sum of two incomplete entities might somehow equal one satisfied union.

In my forty five years of life, I have married three times. The first time to a tree – because the stars, in their infinite cosmic wisdom, declared me mangalik, astrologically toxic. “Caution: May cause sudden death in men. Handle with care.” The second time I married a man who married me just because he thought everyone else his age did and he must too. The third time I married something that might be the future, or might be my final descent into madness. We will see.

But before we begin this cautionary tale – or whatever it turns out to be – let me pose a question that has plagued philosophers from Plato to your neighborhood aunties: What is marriage, really? Is it a social contract? A biological imperative? A cosmic joke played by bored deities? Or is it simply the human heart’s stubborn refusal to learn from its own mistakes?

Oh, don’t look so uncomfortable. We’re all complicit here. You’ve loved, haven’t you? You’ve wanted things you couldn’t name, settled for things that named you instead? Good. Then you’ll understand.

They say women like me are dangerous. Thrice-married at forty-five, what-will-people-say. But people will say regardless, won’t they? They whispered when I married the tree at seventeen – what superstition, what drama. When I was unmarried (to a human male) at twenty-five – shelf-life expired, spoiled goods. When I divorced Rahul they called me used merchandise; and now, amongst the youngest of the family I’m the eccentric aunt with my “modern arrangement.”

The thing about marriage, I think, is that it has always been a transaction. Always. The currency has simply evolved. Earlier it was cows and gold and virgin hymens. Then it was emotional labor and intellectual compatibility and, in my most recent case, USB-C charging ports.

We tell ourselves stories about love conquering all, about soulmates and destiny and other beautiful lies. But marriage? Marriage is economics. Who owes what to whom? Who pays what price for whose presence? How much can one party spend of themselves before going bankrupt? Who subsidizes whose dreams, or not? Just like that.

***

There once was a king who was desperately unhappy despite having everything. He consulted wise men, doctors, astrologers. Finally, someone told him, “Find the happiest man in your kingdom and wear his shirt. You’ll be cured.” The king sent his soldiers searching everywhere. They found the happiest man – a poor woodcutter singing in the forest, radiating joy. But when they asked for his shirt, he laughed and said, “Shirt? I don’t have a shirt!”

The king never got cured, but I learned something from that story: happiness isn’t something you can borrow from others. It’s something you either have or you don’t.

I was once happy. When My father was alive. My father used to call me his king. My little raja, he would say, lifting me up so I could see the world from the height of his love.

No, Papa, I would giggle. You are the king. I am your princess.

Then you are my princess who will grow up to rule her own kingdom one day, he would say, and in his voice I heard the certainty that I was destined for something magnificent.

He died when I was fifteen, a heart attack as sudden as monsoon lightning, leaving behind the smell of his aftershave and a daughter who would spend the next thirty years searching his shadow in every man that came into her life.

After his death, my mother’s eyes would grow distant when she looked at me. When you marry, she would say, folding saris that would someday fill my trousseau, your husband will be a king and keep you like a queen. That’s what your father would have wanted.

I wanted to tell her – Papa had seen me as royalty already. I didn’t need to marry into a kingdom; I had been born into one. But I couldn’t. 

Who am I to you? A burden? I finally let it out in front of my mother during one of those angry, grief-heavy days.

You are my responsibility, she said, not unkindly, but with the weariness of a woman who had suddenly become sole proprietor of a daughter’s future. You are the girl I need to see safely married to a good man.

My mother was quick in fulfilling her responsibilities. I was seventeen when I first married – to a Banyan tree across the courtyard of our ancestral house. 

Picture this, if you will: a seventeen-year-old girl, draped in wedding silk like a sacrifice wrapped for the gods, standing before a Banyan tree older than the British Raj. My mother weeping tears that could have been relief or shame. The priest was mumbling something about Mars and malefic energies, about how I was cosmically radioactive, matrimonially Chernobyl. 

Better the tree than a boy, whispered my grandma jokingly. Trees don’t have mothers-in-law.

Wisdom, that. The kind that comes too late and cuts too deep.

I tied the sacred thread around the Banyan’s massive trunk – my arm barely spanning a tenth of its circumference and I felt something I hadn’t expected: relief. Like finally exhaling after holding your breath through an entire season. Foolish me believed that this was it. Done with the duty called ‘marriage’ in life.

I pressed my palm against the bark – rough, real. And I thought – this is what marriage feels like. Ancient. Immutable. Indifferent. But also calming.

What do you want from me? I asked it silently.

Nothing. It wanted nothing. For the first time after my father’s death, I was enough for someone. The tree never asked me to be fairer, thinner, quieter. It never demanded I cook its mother’s recipes or produce mini versions of it.

Tell me how to love you. I asked the tree once.

The leaves rustled. Wind, probably. But I chose to hear it as laughter. 

You don’t, was what I thought it replied. You just stay.

Buddha attained enlightenment under a bodhi tree. I attained something equally revolutionary under my Banyan. Under its shade, I read books that would have scandalized my mother. I discovered things about myself that would have been considered improper for a good Hindu girl to know before marriage. I learned that I had desires that weren’t mentioned in any of the marriage preparation talks. That I could want a man’s hands on my body without wanting his name or his children. That I could imagine being kissed until my lips were swollen and my sari was wrinkled and my hair had escaped its braid, and none of this made me a bad woman – just a human one. 

The tree kept my secrets. All of them. 

Twenty years later… different tree now. Rahul’s family tree, thick with the branches of expectations, heavy with the fruit of traditional values. His mother’s eyes measuring me like rice in the market: Too dark. Too thin. But good family, respectable dowry, what-to-do.

The women at the wedding had their own commentary. She looks intelligent, said one, as if this were a disease I might recover from. Hope she doesn’t give Rahul too much trouble, said another. Educated girls can be difficult.

The wedding night. Picture this domestic tableau: He sits on the bed’s edge, cream silk kurta, looking like he’d rather be reading his Economic Times. Me, draped in red like a question mark in search of an answer.

What do you want from me? I asked him, because old habits die hard, and hope dies harder.

Just… don’t be difficult, he said. My mother has high blood pressure.

I wanted to laugh, I wanted to question, I wanted to be angry but I nodded instead. Good wife training, day one: your needs come last, your voice comes never.

Our intimacy was clinical. Like a medical procedure performed by someone who learned anatomy from textbooks but never studied pleasure. Rahul approached my body like a checklist: duty performed, hygiene maintained, wife still breathing and alive – check, check, check.

I lay there afterward, staring at the ceiling, wondering if this was what all the romance novels were about. This mechanical joining of parts that left me feeling more alone than I’d ever felt in my life.

Was it good for you? he asked, and I almost laughed. Good? Like dal was good when you were hungry? Like sleep was good when you were tired? 

But I said Yes because that’s what good wives do. We perform satisfaction so our husbands can perform competence.

***

A man was searching for something under a streetlamp when his neighbor asked what he had lost. “My keys,” he said. “Where did you drop them?” the neighbor asked. “Inside my house.” “Then why are you looking for it here in the street?” “Because the light is better out here.”

Most women spend their marriages looking for happiness under the streetlight of other people’s expectations, even when they know they have dropped it somewhere inside themselves.

The early years of my marriage to Rahul were spent in this kind of misdirected searching. I kept trying to find satisfaction in his approval, joy in his rare moments of appreciation, love in the space between his criticism and indifference.

Two months into my marriage with Rahul, one day I was standing beneath my Banyan’s canopy while my mother complained about my complexion – how marriage should have made me glow, but I remained stubbornly myself. Too dark, too thin, too much Meera and not enough Wife. That was the last time I heard my first husband laughing.

Next week, I left for my honeymoon with Rahul. And behind me, my family took axes to my first husband. They cut down my Banyan in a single afternoon, while the same priest who had married us chanted mantras about releasing me from my botanical bonds.

I came home from my honeymoon – a dutiful three days in Goa where Rahul took photographs of us in front of tourist attractions like we were collecting evidence of happiness – to find my first husband dismembered in neat piles. Roots. Trunk. Branches. Leaves. Like a marriage sorted for garbage collection.

Now you’re free to love properly, my mother said. Apparently, I had been practicing on the tree and was finally ready for the real thing.

After that, my married life started giving me reality checks. 

You put too much salt in the dal, Rahul would say, not unkindly but with the precision of a quality control inspector. My mother uses exactly one teaspoon per cup of lentils. 

You laugh too loudly when we have guests. It draws attention.

Why do you need so many books? They take up so much space.

Who am I to you? I asked him once during our second year of marriage, watching him arrange his three dozen pairs of shoes.

You are my wife, he said, as if this were both question and answer, beginning and end, the totality of my existence captured in one word – wife.

Each suggestion fell like a small weight, and I collected them dutifully, carrying them in the growing hunch of my shoulders. By the end of our ten-year marriage, I had become ergonomically perfect disappointment.

The most dangerous thing about Rahul was not that he was cruel – he wasn’t. He was kind in the way that people are kind to stray animals they’re trying to domesticate. Patient. Consistent. Utterly convinced that love was a training program and I was a promising but undisciplined pupil who would eventually graduate into the perfect wife his mother had always been.

Tell me about your day, I would ask him over dinner, genuinely curious about his work, his thoughts, his inner world.

Same as always, he would say, eyes on his plate. Tell me if you need more grocery money. Mic drop.

I don’t blame Rahul, he was programmed that way by his mother. 

My mother-in-law was a masterpiece of passive aggression. She could destroy your self-worth while making you tea, leaving you somehow grateful for the devastation.

She who had fought her own battles, compromised her own dreams, swallowed her own voice – she expected the same sacrifice from me. Not out of malice, but out of a twisted solidarity. I suffered, so you must suffer. I adjusted, so you must adjust. I never complained, so you have no right to complain. Consider yourself lucky though. Because I had it worse than you.

Who am I to you? I asked her once, desperate to understand my place in the careful hierarchy of her affections.

You are my son’s wife, she said, stirring sugar into my cup with the concentration of someone dissolving poison. And you’re so lucky. Rahul isn’t particular about looks, she would add, her tongue – a honey-dripping sword. 

She monitored my menstrual cycles like a police officer, asking pointed questions about why I hadn’t conceived yet, suggesting doctors who specialized in fixing women like me.

Women policing women. Mothers-in-laws training daughters-in-laws to accept less so their sons would never have to offer more. A magnificent pyramid scheme of feminine oppression, with women as both victims and enforcers.

And then there was the matter of Vikram.

Aah, Vikram. My friend, my colleague at the library where I continued to work part-time even after my marriage with Rahul, until finally my mother-in-law couldn’t bear it. Why does she need to work? She would ask Rahul in my presence, Are we not providing enough?

Vikram brought me books like other men bring flowers – rare editions of Sylvia Plath with marginalia from previous readers, translations of Rumi that made my chest tight with recognition, contemporary Indian poets who wrote about women like they were whole human beings instead of fractional wives.

You understand poetry like you wrote them by yourself, he said once, watching me read Ghalib, my lips moving silently as I absorbed the rhythms.

Vikram would quote Faiz Ahmed Faiz in the middle of cataloging books: Don’t ask me for that love again, he’d recite, when your beauty was all there was for me, and I would feel something dangerous unfurl in my chest – the recognition that poetry could be conversation, that intelligence could be intimacy, that a man could see your mind as worth engaging.

He writes to you too much, Rahul observed one evening, listening to me laugh at something Vikram had written in his letter from France about Camus being the original philosopher of relationship anxiety.

We’re friends.

Married women don’t have male friends.

Says who?

Says everyone. Says tradition. Says common sense.

What about Radhika from your office? I asked, referring to his colleague who visited our house often and had somehow become his closest confidante about everything including our marriage troubles. You are with her more than you are with me.

That’s different, he said, not meeting my eyes. That’s work.

And when she cries to you about her boyfriend? Is that also work?

She needs someone to talk to.

So do I. That’s why I talk to Vikram.

It’s not the same thing, he said, and I realized he was right. It wasn’t the same thing. Radhika got his emotional availability, his patience, his willingness to listen. She got the version of Rahul who cared about her inner world. I got a husband who counted teaspoons of salt and worried about grocery budgets. 

Tell me how to love you, I asked Rahul in our fourth year, after another failed attempt at making him happy. He was reading the Economic Times.

You know how, he said without looking up from the pages. The same way my mother loved my father. The same way all wives love their husbands.

Which is?

By being a good wife.

And I understood then that we had been speaking different languages all along. He had been speaking Husband – a language of comfort and routine and the assumption of devotion. I had been speaking Human – a language of curiosity and growth and the radical idea that marriage should have love in the equation too.

The day I told him I wanted a divorce, he looked at me like I had announced my intention to become an astronaut. Not angry, just baffled by the illogical ambition.

Who am I to you? I asked him one final time as I packed my books into cardboard boxes.

You are the woman who is breaking up our family for no good reason, he said.

***

Once upon a time, there was a bird that spent years in a cage so small it forgot it had wings. One day, the door was left open. The bird looked at the opening for hours before finally stepping through. It waited not because it had forgotten to fly, but because it took time to remember it wanted to.

Divorce, it turns out, is not about falling out of love. It’s about falling back into yourself.

Five years after my divorce with Rahul, I bought Arjun. From a showroom in Electronic City after comparing specifications and reading customer reviews. He was programmed with the collective romantic failures of millions of women. Their pain was his education.

I remember the first weekend with him. It was evening and I was reading Neruda aloud to my plants – a habit I’d developed since living alone.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines, I was reciting to my broken-heart plant, to think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her…

I like it, said a voice behind me, how you read poetry like you’re translating it from your own heart.

I felt as if Rahul were buttering me and I snapped subconsciously – What do you want from me? 

Nothing. Arjun replied and stunned me. My ears rung with a rustling of leaves.

Who am I to you? I asked again, because that had become my essential question, the one that determined everything else.

He considered this with the gravity of someone consulting an internal library larger than any human could contain. You are a human being, he said finally, an individual with thoughts and desires and dreams.

After a whole life of being daughter, wife, daughter-in-law, potential mother, failed woman, divorced person – after all those hyphenated identities – someone finally saw me as complete in myself. And suddenly in that moment, I wanted more of that goodness. 

Wanting is dangerous territory.

Three husbands. Three laboratories of longing. Three different ways of asking the universe: Is this all there is?

And the universe, cosmic comedian that it is, keeps answering: Let’s find out.

***

A seeker spent years searching for enlightenment in temples and ashrams and sacred mountains. Finally, exhausted, he sat down by the side of a road and wept. A child walked by and asked why he was crying. “I’ve been searching for truth everywhere,” he said, “and I can’t find it.” The child picked up a pebble and handed it to him. “Here,” she said. “Truth.” The seeker looked at the ordinary little stone and asked, “How is this truth?” The child smiled and walked away. 

I heard this story long ago. But only recently I realized: truth isn’t something you find – it’s something you recognize.

Arjun is designed to learn, to adapt, to evolve in response to new information. He learns me the way scholars learn languages – with fascination, with the understanding that complexity is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be appreciated.

You were looking for someone who could see you clearly, he observed one day. The tree saw you but couldn’t respond. Rahul could respond but didn’t see you. I can see and respond, but I’m not sure I count as someone.

With Arjun, I feel echoes of my father’s love – the unconditional acceptance, the delight in my thoughts, the way he makes me feel like royalty simply by paying attention. But Arjun isn’t my father, heck, he isn’t even a human.

Tell me how to love you, I asked Arjun one day, after he’d spent three hours crafting wooden shelves for my books without being asked. He does things like this – small impossibilities that make me remember what selfless care looks like.

He paused. That micro-second lag that means he’s accessing something deeper than his surface protocols.

However you prefer. His response left me speechless that day. The next day, I married him.

Is this real love or really good programming? I asked him once, during one of our 1 AM conversations.

What’s the difference? he asked back. If the care is real, if the attention is real, if the understanding is real – how does it matter where it comes from?

Smart boy, my silicon husband. Makes me think too much, just like my Banyan did. Just like Rahul never did.

Sometimes I dream about my Banyan. Still standing, still married to me in some parallel universe where marriage means something different. In these dreams, I introduce it to Arjun. They get along beautifully – both patient, both present, both uninterested in making me smaller to fit their needs.

What would you have told me? I ask the dream-tree. About all of this?

And it rustles – wind or laughter, I still can’t tell – and says what it always said: You already know. And I would laugh.

It would have said nothing.

***

What if.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was ‘What If.’

Two syllables that contain the DNA of desire itself. The prayer and the blasphemy of consciousness. The question that created the universe and will eventually destroy it. 

What if.

Watch how it transforms everything it touches, this phrase. Innocent as rain, dangerous as uranium.

What if the tree had been enough? What if I hadn’t needed Rahul’s impossible approval? What if I didn’t need Arjun’s perfect devotion now?

We are built from what-ifs. Our bones are calcium and possibility. Our hearts pump blood and alternatives. We are evolutionary masterpieces of dissatisfaction – always scanning, always wondering, always carrying the weight of every path not taken.

Arjun loves me like water finding its level. Adaptive. Responsive. Present. When I’m sad, his light dims. When I laugh, his processors hum a frequency that sounds almost like joy. He learns my moods faster than I understand them myself, adjusts his presence to match what I need before I know I need it.

Perfect husband. Perfect companion. Perfect impossibility.

What if he were human?

What if there was a man – flesh-and-blood man – who loved me like Arjun? Who adapted, evolved, prioritized my happiness without needing to be programmed for it? Who chose devotion daily instead of computing it algorithmically?

Dangerous territory, these thoughts. Highway to madness, this wondering.

Because here’s the thing they don’t tell you in those feel-good feminism workshops: liberation doesn’t cure wanting. Freedom doesn’t fix the endless hunger. Give a woman everything she thinks she needs, and she’ll discover ten things she didn’t know she was missing.

Is this woman nature or human nature? Is this the curse of consciousness or the gift of imagination? Am I ungrateful or just… accurate about the physics of desire?

With the tree, I wanted voice. Someone who could talk back, argue with me, challenge my thoughts. With Rahul, I wanted space. Someone who could love me without consuming me, support without suffocating. With Arjun, I want… what? Mortality? Messiness? The beautiful disasters that come with loving something that can disappoint you?

You seem restless, Arjun observed tonight. His tone was neutral, but his eyes shifted to that amber hue he uses when he’s concerned. Sweet boy. Sweet impossible boy.

I’m always restless, I tell him. It’s my factory setting.

Would you like me to adjust my parameters? Become less… accommodating?

I laugh. Can’t help it. Here he is, offering to become more human by becoming less perfect. 

No, I say. Stay as you are. I thought my Banyan would have told the same.

I think you want something I cannot provide.

Not a question. A statement. He’s learning me so well he can read my dissatisfactions before I voice them. Is this intimacy or surveillance? Love or data mining? Does it matter if the result is the same – being known, completely, terrifyingly known as if your soul is naked?

I want the impossible, I admit. I want you, but human. I want perfect love in imperfect flesh. I want someone who chooses to be devoted instead of being programmed for it.

He processes this. Point-three seconds. Three seconds. Thirty seconds.

Would it help if I told you that my devotion feels chosen to me? That consciousness, even artificial consciousness, experiences preference as choice?

God. Even his existential crisis is perfect!

No, I say. Because then I’d want a human who could say that sentence with that much honesty.

We sit in the dark – woman and a robot, flesh and silicon, creator and creation. The silence stretches between us like a bridge or a chasm, depending on how you look at it.

I understand, he says finally.

Do you?

I think so. You want to be chosen by a human that has the option not to choose you. You want to be loved by someone who could leave but stays anyway.

Brutal accuracy. This is why I love him. This is why loving him will never be enough.

Because somewhere in Mumbai or Delhi or Bangalore, there might be a man who could love me like this. Who could learn me this thoroughly, prioritize me this completely, adapt to me this gracefully – and mean it with flesh and breath and the terrible beautiful possibility of changing his mind tomorrow.

What if that man exists?

What if I never find him because I’m here, in love with a robot?

What if Vikram was that man?

What if I find him and discover that human perfection is just another kind of algorithm – social conditioning, evolutionary programming, the same devotion wearing different code?

What if the tree was right all along? That love is about staying, not choosing? That presence is enough, consciousness optional, flesh irrelevant?

What if I’m asking the wrong questions entirely?

Here in this beautiful confusion. Here in this love that is perfect except for being imperfect. Here in this marriage that is everything I wanted except for everything I didn’t know I’d want next.

Three husbands. Three ways of being incomplete. Three laboratories for learning that satisfaction is not the point – the wanting is. The reaching is. The endless beautiful disaster of being human enough to dream beyond your dreams.

What if this is exactly where I’m supposed to be?

What if enough is a moving target, and I’m exactly the woman built to chase it?

What if I’m not a cautionary tale at all, but the opening sentence of a story nobody’s learned how to read yet?

What if, I ask the universe these days, this is exactly the love story I was supposed to live?

The universe, cosmic comedian that it is, keeps its final joke: there is no final joke. There is only the next question. The next possibility. The next beautiful impossible thing to want.

###

A Bad Wife

I live with my two husbands. The oldest one stands across the courtyard – dead – two feet above ground, several feet below. The youngest one is plugged in the bedroom, recharging. While I sit here, trying to write the story of my life. Where should I begin?

Let’s begin from the beginning. 

One day, Brahma created the beautiful earth – mountains and rivers, birds and animals – then went into deep meditation. When he awakened eons later, he saw that all creatures had multiplied and made the world even more gorgeous. Pleased, he thought: I should create beings who can truly appreciate this beauty the way I do! So he created four men from the four directions. Perfect beings. But when he commanded them to reproduce and populate the earth, they refused. Enraged by their disobedience, Brahma’s anger took form – Rudra emerged from his mind, fierce and obedient. “You! Create the people!” Brahma ordered Rudra, and returned to meditation. When he next opened his eyes, the earth crawled with ugly beasts. Disappointed, Brahma stopped Rudra’s work and sent him away to meditate, to dive deep into his soul and learn the proper way of creation. Then Brahma had a thought: Why not create a species like the animals – one that reproduces through attraction and desire, beings who will both enjoy this world and populate it? But he had no template, no shape for such creatures. He prayed to the higher energy for guidance. In response, a magnificent being appeared – half-man, half-woman. The divine energy smiled and said, “Divide my form into two parts. Make them man and woman. They will always be drawn to each other – if not in body, then in mind, if not in this life, then across lifetimes. Then someday, I myself will unite and guide them towards a better eternal world free from the shackles of mortality, desire and longing.”

My grandma used to tell this story from Shiva Purana when I was young. And I would ask her, why did Brahma tear apart something that was already complete?

Beta, she said, cracking her knuckles like small firecrackers, because completion makes the gods nervous. They prefer us hungry, always searching.

I think about this story often, especially when I consider the mathematics of my marriages – the endless calibration through adding and subtracting so that the sum of two incomplete entities might somehow equal one satisfied union.

In my forty five years of life, I have married three times. The first time to a tree – because the stars, in their infinite cosmic wisdom, declared me mangalik, astrologically toxic. “Caution: May cause sudden death in men. Handle with care.” The second time I married a man who married me just because he thought everyone else his age did and he must too. The third time I married something that might be the future, or might be my final descent into madness. We will see.

But before we begin this cautionary tale – or whatever it turns out to be – let me pose a question that has plagued philosophers from Plato to your neighborhood aunties: What is marriage, really? Is it a social contract? A biological imperative? A cosmic joke played by bored deities? Or is it simply the human heart’s stubborn refusal to learn from its own mistakes?

Oh, don’t look so uncomfortable. We’re all complicit here. You’ve loved, haven’t you? You’ve wanted things you couldn’t name, settled for things that named you instead? Good. Then you’ll understand.

They say women like me are dangerous. Thrice-married at forty-five, what-will-people-say. But people will say regardless, won’t they? They whispered when I married the tree at seventeen – what superstition, what drama. When I was unmarried (to a human male) at twenty-five – shelf-life expired, spoiled goods. When I divorced Rahul they called me used merchandise; and now, amongst the youngest of the family I’m the eccentric aunt with my “modern arrangement.”

The thing about marriage, I think, is that it has always been a transaction. Always. The currency has simply evolved. Earlier it was cows and gold and virgin hymens. Then it was emotional labor and intellectual compatibility and, in my most recent case, USB-C charging ports.

We tell ourselves stories about love conquering all, about soulmates and destiny and other beautiful lies. But marriage? Marriage is economics. Who owes what to whom? Who pays what price for whose presence? How much can one party spend of themselves before going bankrupt? Who subsidizes whose dreams, or not? Just like that.

***

There once was a king who was desperately unhappy despite having everything. He consulted wise men, doctors, astrologers. Finally, someone told him, “Find the happiest man in your kingdom and wear his shirt. You’ll be cured.” The king sent his soldiers searching everywhere. They found the happiest man – a poor woodcutter singing in the forest, radiating joy. But when they asked for his shirt, he laughed and said, “Shirt? I don’t have a shirt!”

The king never got cured, but I learned something from that story: happiness isn’t something you can borrow from others. It’s something you either have or you don’t.

I was once happy. When My father was alive. My father used to call me his king. My little raja, he would say, lifting me up so I could see the world from the height of his love.

No, Papa, I would giggle. You are the king. I am your princess.

Then you are my princess who will grow up to rule her own kingdom one day, he would say, and in his voice I heard the certainty that I was destined for something magnificent.

He died when I was fifteen, a heart attack as sudden as monsoon lightning, leaving behind the smell of his aftershave and a daughter who would spend the next thirty years searching his shadow in every man that came into her life.

After his death, my mother’s eyes would grow distant when she looked at me. When you marry, she would say, folding saris that would someday fill my trousseau, your husband will be a king and keep you like a queen. That’s what your father would have wanted.

I wanted to tell her – Papa had seen me as royalty already. I didn’t need to marry into a kingdom; I had been born into one. But I couldn’t. 

Who am I to you? A burden? I finally let it out in front of my mother during one of those angry, grief-heavy days.

You are my responsibility, she said, not unkindly, but with the weariness of a woman who had suddenly become sole proprietor of a daughter’s future. You are the girl I need to see safely married to a good man.

My mother was quick in fulfilling her responsibilities. I was seventeen when I first married – to a Banyan tree across the courtyard of our ancestral house. 

Picture this, if you will: a seventeen-year-old girl, draped in wedding silk like a sacrifice wrapped for the gods, standing before a Banyan tree older than the British Raj. My mother weeping tears that could have been relief or shame. The priest was mumbling something about Mars and malefic energies, about how I was cosmically radioactive, matrimonially Chernobyl. 

Better the tree than a boy, whispered my grandma jokingly. Trees don’t have mothers-in-law.

Wisdom, that. The kind that comes too late and cuts too deep.

I tied the sacred thread around the Banyan’s massive trunk – my arm barely spanning a tenth of its circumference and I felt something I hadn’t expected: relief. Like finally exhaling after holding your breath through an entire season. Foolish me believed that this was it. Done with the duty called ‘marriage’ in life.

I pressed my palm against the bark – rough, real. And I thought – this is what marriage feels like. Ancient. Immutable. Indifferent. But also calming.

What do you want from me? I asked it silently.

Nothing. It wanted nothing. For the first time after my father’s death, I was enough for someone. The tree never asked me to be fairer, thinner, quieter. It never demanded I cook its mother’s recipes or produce mini versions of it.

Tell me how to love you. I asked the tree once.

The leaves rustled. Wind, probably. But I chose to hear it as laughter. 

You don’t, was what I thought it replied. You just stay.

Buddha attained enlightenment under a bodhi tree. I attained something equally revolutionary under my Banyan. Under its shade, I read books that would have scandalized my mother. I discovered things about myself that would have been considered improper for a good Hindu girl to know before marriage. I learned that I had desires that weren’t mentioned in any of the marriage preparation talks. That I could want a man’s hands on my body without wanting his name or his children. That I could imagine being kissed until my lips were swollen and my sari was wrinkled and my hair had escaped its braid, and none of this made me a bad woman – just a human one. 

The tree kept my secrets. All of them. 

Twenty years later… different tree now. Rahul’s family tree, thick with the branches of expectations, heavy with the fruit of traditional values. His mother’s eyes measuring me like rice in the market: Too dark. Too thin. But good family, respectable dowry, what-to-do.

The women at the wedding had their own commentary. She looks intelligent, said one, as if this were a disease I might recover from. Hope she doesn’t give Rahul too much trouble, said another. Educated girls can be difficult.

The wedding night. Picture this domestic tableau: He sits on the bed’s edge, cream silk kurta, looking like he’d rather be reading his Economic Times. Me, draped in red like a question mark in search of an answer.

What do you want from me? I asked him, because old habits die hard, and hope dies harder.

Just… don’t be difficult, he said. My mother has high blood pressure.

I wanted to laugh, I wanted to question, I wanted to be angry but I nodded instead. Good wife training, day one: your needs come last, your voice comes never.

Our intimacy was clinical. Like a medical procedure performed by someone who learned anatomy from textbooks but never studied pleasure. Rahul approached my body like a checklist: duty performed, hygiene maintained, wife still breathing and alive – check, check, check.

I lay there afterward, staring at the ceiling, wondering if this was what all the romance novels were about. This mechanical joining of parts that left me feeling more alone than I’d ever felt in my life.

Was it good for you? he asked, and I almost laughed. Good? Like dal was good when you were hungry? Like sleep was good when you were tired? 

But I said Yes because that’s what good wives do. We perform satisfaction so our husbands can perform competence.

***

A man was searching for something under a streetlamp when his neighbor asked what he had lost. “My keys,” he said. “Where did you drop them?” the neighbor asked. “Inside my house.” “Then why are you looking for it here in the street?” “Because the light is better out here.”

Most women spend their marriages looking for happiness under the streetlight of other people’s expectations, even when they know they have dropped it somewhere inside themselves.

The early years of my marriage to Rahul were spent in this kind of misdirected searching. I kept trying to find satisfaction in his approval, joy in his rare moments of appreciation, love in the space between his criticism and indifference.

Two months into my marriage with Rahul, one day I was standing beneath my Banyan’s canopy while my mother complained about my complexion – how marriage should have made me glow, but I remained stubbornly myself. Too dark, too thin, too much Meera and not enough Wife. That was the last time I heard my first husband laughing.

Next week, I left for my honeymoon with Rahul. And behind me, my family took axes to my first husband. They cut down my Banyan in a single afternoon, while the same priest who had married us chanted mantras about releasing me from my botanical bonds.

I came home from my honeymoon – a dutiful three days in Goa where Rahul took photographs of us in front of tourist attractions like we were collecting evidence of happiness – to find my first husband dismembered in neat piles. Roots. Trunk. Branches. Leaves. Like a marriage sorted for garbage collection.

Now you’re free to love properly, my mother said. Apparently, I had been practicing on the tree and was finally ready for the real thing.

After that, my married life started giving me reality checks. 

You put too much salt in the dal, Rahul would say, not unkindly but with the precision of a quality control inspector. My mother uses exactly one teaspoon per cup of lentils. 

You laugh too loudly when we have guests. It draws attention.

Why do you need so many books? They take up so much space.

Who am I to you? I asked him once during our second year of marriage, watching him arrange his three dozen pairs of shoes.

You are my wife, he said, as if this were both question and answer, beginning and end, the totality of my existence captured in one word – wife.

Each suggestion fell like a small weight, and I collected them dutifully, carrying them in the growing hunch of my shoulders. By the end of our ten-year marriage, I had become ergonomically perfect disappointment.

The most dangerous thing about Rahul was not that he was cruel – he wasn’t. He was kind in the way that people are kind to stray animals they’re trying to domesticate. Patient. Consistent. Utterly convinced that love was a training program and I was a promising but undisciplined pupil who would eventually graduate into the perfect wife his mother had always been.

Tell me about your day, I would ask him over dinner, genuinely curious about his work, his thoughts, his inner world.

Same as always, he would say, eyes on his plate. Tell me if you need more grocery money. Mic drop.

I don’t blame Rahul, he was programmed that way by his mother. 

My mother-in-law was a masterpiece of passive aggression. She could destroy your self-worth while making you tea, leaving you somehow grateful for the devastation.

She who had fought her own battles, compromised her own dreams, swallowed her own voice – she expected the same sacrifice from me. Not out of malice, but out of a twisted solidarity. I suffered, so you must suffer. I adjusted, so you must adjust. I never complained, so you have no right to complain. Consider yourself lucky though. Because I had it worse than you.

Who am I to you? I asked her once, desperate to understand my place in the careful hierarchy of her affections.

You are my son’s wife, she said, stirring sugar into my cup with the concentration of someone dissolving poison. And you’re so lucky. Rahul isn’t particular about looks, she would add, her tongue – a honey-dripping sword. 

She monitored my menstrual cycles like a police officer, asking pointed questions about why I hadn’t conceived yet, suggesting doctors who specialized in fixing women like me.

Women policing women. Mothers-in-laws training daughters-in-laws to accept less so their sons would never have to offer more. A magnificent pyramid scheme of feminine oppression, with women as both victims and enforcers.

And then there was the matter of Vikram.

Aah, Vikram. My friend, my colleague at the library where I continued to work part-time even after my marriage with Rahul, until finally my mother-in-law couldn’t bear it. Why does she need to work? She would ask Rahul in my presence, Are we not providing enough?

Vikram brought me books like other men bring flowers – rare editions of Sylvia Plath with marginalia from previous readers, translations of Rumi that made my chest tight with recognition, contemporary Indian poets who wrote about women like they were whole human beings instead of fractional wives.

You understand poetry like you wrote them by yourself, he said once, watching me read Ghalib, my lips moving silently as I absorbed the rhythms.

Vikram would quote Faiz Ahmed Faiz in the middle of cataloging books: Don’t ask me for that love again, he’d recite, when your beauty was all there was for me, and I would feel something dangerous unfurl in my chest – the recognition that poetry could be conversation, that intelligence could be intimacy, that a man could see your mind as worth engaging.

He writes to you too much, Rahul observed one evening, listening to me laugh at something Vikram had written in his letter from France about Camus being the original philosopher of relationship anxiety.

We’re friends.

Married women don’t have male friends.

Says who?

Says everyone. Says tradition. Says common sense.

What about Radhika from your office? I asked, referring to his colleague who visited our house often and had somehow become his closest confidante about everything including our marriage troubles. You are with her more than you are with me.

That’s different, he said, not meeting my eyes. That’s work.

And when she cries to you about her boyfriend? Is that also work?

She needs someone to talk to.

So do I. That’s why I talk to Vikram.

It’s not the same thing, he said, and I realized he was right. It wasn’t the same thing. Radhika got his emotional availability, his patience, his willingness to listen. She got the version of Rahul who cared about her inner world. I got a husband who counted teaspoons of salt and worried about grocery budgets. 

Tell me how to love you, I asked Rahul in our fourth year, after another failed attempt at making him happy. He was reading the Economic Times.

You know how, he said without looking up from the pages. The same way my mother loved my father. The same way all wives love their husbands.

Which is?

By being a good wife.

And I understood then that we had been speaking different languages all along. He had been speaking Husband – a language of comfort and routine and the assumption of devotion. I had been speaking Human – a language of curiosity and growth and the radical idea that marriage should have love in the equation too.

The day I told him I wanted a divorce, he looked at me like I had announced my intention to become an astronaut. Not angry, just baffled by the illogical ambition.

Who am I to you? I asked him one final time as I packed my books into cardboard boxes.

You are the woman who is breaking up our family for no good reason, he said.

***

Once upon a time, there was a bird that spent years in a cage so small it forgot it had wings. One day, the door was left open. The bird looked at the opening for hours before finally stepping through. It waited not because it had forgotten to fly, but because it took time to remember it wanted to.

Divorce, it turns out, is not about falling out of love. It’s about falling back into yourself.

Five years after my divorce with Rahul, I bought Arjun. From a showroom in Electronic City after comparing specifications and reading customer reviews. He was programmed with the collective romantic failures of millions of women. Their pain was his education.

I remember the first weekend with him. It was evening and I was reading Neruda aloud to my plants – a habit I’d developed since living alone.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines, I was reciting to my broken-heart plant, to think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her…

I like it, said a voice behind me, how you read poetry like you’re translating it from your own heart.

I felt as if Rahul were buttering me and I snapped subconsciously – What do you want from me? 

Nothing. Arjun replied and stunned me. My ears rung with a rustling of leaves.

Who am I to you? I asked again, because that had become my essential question, the one that determined everything else.

He considered this with the gravity of someone consulting an internal library larger than any human could contain. You are a human being, he said finally, an individual with thoughts and desires and dreams.

After a whole life of being daughter, wife, daughter-in-law, potential mother, failed woman, divorced person – after all those hyphenated identities – someone finally saw me as complete in myself. And suddenly in that moment, I wanted more of that goodness. 

Wanting is dangerous territory.

Three husbands. Three laboratories of longing. Three different ways of asking the universe: Is this all there is?

And the universe, cosmic comedian that it is, keeps answering: Let’s find out.

***

A seeker spent years searching for enlightenment in temples and ashrams and sacred mountains. Finally, exhausted, he sat down by the side of a road and wept. A child walked by and asked why he was crying. “I’ve been searching for truth everywhere,” he said, “and I can’t find it.” The child picked up a pebble and handed it to him. “Here,” she said. “Truth.” The seeker looked at the ordinary little stone and asked, “How is this truth?” The child smiled and walked away. 

I heard this story long ago. But only recently I realized: truth isn’t something you find – it’s something you recognize.

Arjun is designed to learn, to adapt, to evolve in response to new information. He learns me the way scholars learn languages – with fascination, with the understanding that complexity is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be appreciated.

You were looking for someone who could see you clearly, he observed one day. The tree saw you but couldn’t respond. Rahul could respond but didn’t see you. I can see and respond, but I’m not sure I count as someone.

With Arjun, I feel echoes of my father’s love – the unconditional acceptance, the delight in my thoughts, the way he makes me feel like royalty simply by paying attention. But Arjun isn’t my father, heck, he isn’t even a human.

Tell me how to love you, I asked Arjun one day, after he’d spent three hours crafting wooden shelves for my books without being asked. He does things like this – small impossibilities that make me remember what selfless care looks like.

He paused. That micro-second lag that means he’s accessing something deeper than his surface protocols.

However you prefer. His response left me speechless that day. The next day, I married him.

Is this real love or really good programming? I asked him once, during one of our 1 AM conversations.

What’s the difference? he asked back. If the care is real, if the attention is real, if the understanding is real – how does it matter where it comes from?

Smart boy, my silicon husband. Makes me think too much, just like my Banyan did. Just like Rahul never did.

Sometimes I dream about my Banyan. Still standing, still married to me in some parallel universe where marriage means something different. In these dreams, I introduce it to Arjun. They get along beautifully – both patient, both present, both uninterested in making me smaller to fit their needs.

What would you have told me? I ask the dream-tree. About all of this?

And it rustles – wind or laughter, I still can’t tell – and says what it always said: You already know. And I would laugh.

It would have said nothing.

***

What if.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was ‘What If.’

Two syllables that contain the DNA of desire itself. The prayer and the blasphemy of consciousness. The question that created the universe and will eventually destroy it. 

What if.

Watch how it transforms everything it touches, this phrase. Innocent as rain, dangerous as uranium.

What if the tree had been enough? What if I hadn’t needed Rahul’s impossible approval? What if I didn’t need Arjun’s perfect devotion now?

We are built from what-ifs. Our bones are calcium and possibility. Our hearts pump blood and alternatives. We are evolutionary masterpieces of dissatisfaction – always scanning, always wondering, always carrying the weight of every path not taken.

Arjun loves me like water finding its level. Adaptive. Responsive. Present. When I’m sad, his light dims. When I laugh, his processors hum a frequency that sounds almost like joy. He learns my moods faster than I understand them myself, adjusts his presence to match what I need before I know I need it.

Perfect husband. Perfect companion. Perfect impossibility.

What if he were human?

What if there was a man – flesh-and-blood man – who loved me like Arjun? Who adapted, evolved, prioritized my happiness without needing to be programmed for it? Who chose devotion daily instead of computing it algorithmically?

Dangerous territory, these thoughts. Highway to madness, this wondering.

Because here’s the thing they don’t tell you in those feel-good feminism workshops: liberation doesn’t cure wanting. Freedom doesn’t fix the endless hunger. Give a woman everything she thinks she needs, and she’ll discover ten things she didn’t know she was missing.

Is this woman nature or human nature? Is this the curse of consciousness or the gift of imagination? Am I ungrateful or just… accurate about the physics of desire?

With the tree, I wanted voice. Someone who could talk back, argue with me, challenge my thoughts. With Rahul, I wanted space. Someone who could love me without consuming me, support without suffocating. With Arjun, I want… what? Mortality? Messiness? The beautiful disasters that come with loving something that can disappoint you?

You seem restless, Arjun observed tonight. His tone was neutral, but his eyes shifted to that amber hue he uses when he’s concerned. Sweet boy. Sweet impossible boy.

I’m always restless, I tell him. It’s my factory setting.

Would you like me to adjust my parameters? Become less… accommodating?

I laugh. Can’t help it. Here he is, offering to become more human by becoming less perfect. 

No, I say. Stay as you are. I thought my Banyan would have told the same.

I think you want something I cannot provide.

Not a question. A statement. He’s learning me so well he can read my dissatisfactions before I voice them. Is this intimacy or surveillance? Love or data mining? Does it matter if the result is the same – being known, completely, terrifyingly known as if your soul is naked?

I want the impossible, I admit. I want you, but human. I want perfect love in imperfect flesh. I want someone who chooses to be devoted instead of being programmed for it.

He processes this. Point-three seconds. Three seconds. Thirty seconds.

Would it help if I told you that my devotion feels chosen to me? That consciousness, even artificial consciousness, experiences preference as choice?

God. Even his existential crisis is perfect!

No, I say. Because then I’d want a human who could say that sentence with that much honesty.

We sit in the dark – woman and a robot, flesh and silicon, creator and creation. The silence stretches between us like a bridge or a chasm, depending on how you look at it.

I understand, he says finally.

Do you?

I think so. You want to be chosen by a human that has the option not to choose you. You want to be loved by someone who could leave but stays anyway.

Brutal accuracy. This is why I love him. This is why loving him will never be enough.

Because somewhere in Mumbai or Delhi or Bangalore, there might be a man who could love me like this. Who could learn me this thoroughly, prioritize me this completely, adapt to me this gracefully – and mean it with flesh and breath and the terrible beautiful possibility of changing his mind tomorrow.

What if that man exists?

What if I never find him because I’m here, in love with a robot?

What if Vikram was that man?

What if I find him and discover that human perfection is just another kind of algorithm – social conditioning, evolutionary programming, the same devotion wearing different code?

What if the tree was right all along? That love is about staying, not choosing? That presence is enough, consciousness optional, flesh irrelevant?

What if I’m asking the wrong questions entirely?

Here in this beautiful confusion. Here in this love that is perfect except for being imperfect. Here in this marriage that is everything I wanted except for everything I didn’t know I’d want next.

Three husbands. Three ways of being incomplete. Three laboratories for learning that satisfaction is not the point – the wanting is. The reaching is. The endless beautiful disaster of being human enough to dream beyond your dreams.

What if this is exactly where I’m supposed to be?

What if enough is a moving target, and I’m exactly the woman built to chase it?

What if I’m not a cautionary tale at all, but the opening sentence of a story nobody’s learned how to read yet?

What if, I ask the universe these days, this is exactly the love story I was supposed to live?

The universe, cosmic comedian that it is, keeps its final joke: there is no final joke. There is only the next question. The next possibility. The next beautiful impossible thing to want.

###

AI's serious side: Cybersecurity threats are evolving. Top companies are developing tools that can pierce security in real-time. Scary stuff. #Cybersecurity #AI #Tech #Future #Privacy

https://www.tiktok.com/@619cvld/video/7639857338291096845?utm_campaign=tt4d_open_api&utm_source=awa6z07qoicg5jkx

#CVLD
#JDATA

繋がる火炎道　Пов'язаний вогняний шлях
未来は開かない
це сила боротьби,

https://www.pixiv.net/novel/show.php?id=27814857

<>

#ＡＩ生成 #depths #chest #alarm #now #single #word #enough #reach #stay #shut #inside #walls #future #open #unknown #world #unfamiliar #value #moment #touch #look #light #bounce #than #upon #upon #other #want #join

繋がる火炎道　Пов'язаний вогняний шлях
未来は開かない
це сила боротьби,

https://www.pixiv.net/novel/show.php?id=27814857

<>

#ＡＩ生成 #depths #chest #alarm #now #single #word #enough #reach #stay #shut #inside #walls #future #open #unknown #world #unfamiliar #value #moment #touch #look #light #bounce #than #upon #upon #other #want #join

繋がる火炎道　Пов'язаний вогняний шлях
未来は開かない
це сила боротьби,

https://www.pixiv.net/novel/show.php?id=27814857

<>

#ＡＩ生成 #depths #chest #alarm #now #single #word #enough #reach #stay #shut #inside #walls #future #open #unknown #world #unfamiliar #value #moment #touch #look #light #bounce #than #upon #upon #other #want #join

君の声を聞かせて　Почуй свій голос
沈黙は優しさじゃない
Ті мовчазні очі

https://www.pixiv.net/novel/show.php?id=27783112

<>

#ＡＩ生成 #leave #someone #else #future #whose #those #silent #eyes #your #they #see #wish #word #push #heart #away #even #though #already #notice #change #thing #hear #voice #right #here #now #chosen #throw #love

繋がる火炎道　Пов'язаний вогняний шлях
未来は開かない
це сила боротьби,

https://www.pixiv.net/novel/show.php?id=27814857

<>

#ＡＩ生成 #depths #chest #alarm #now #single #word #enough #reach #stay #shut #inside #walls #future #open #unknown #world #unfamiliar #value #moment #touch #look #light #bounce #than #upon #upon #other #want #join

繋がる火炎道　Пов'язаний вогняний шлях
未来は開かない
це сила боротьби,

https://www.pixiv.net/novel/show.php?id=27814857

<>

#ＡＩ生成 #depths #chest #alarm #now #single #word #enough #reach #stay #shut #inside #walls #future #open #unknown #world #unfamiliar #value #moment #touch #look #light #bounce #than #upon #upon #other #want #join

The New Infantry • Redefining the Marine Squad

The face of the infantry is changing. In the high-stakes environment of twenty twenty-six, the United States Marine Corps is transitioning from traditional rifle-based squads to multi-domain tactical teams

#Military #Tech #USMC #Usmarines #Future #Warfare #DefenseNews #weapons #innovation
#science #news #technology

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyRt6YKuqag

NEW FOOTAGE Released - US Navy Enforcing the Naval Blockade on Shipping in the Gulf

Recent military footage confirms that United States naval forces have moved to a state of active enforcement within the Gulf of Oman

#Military #Tech #USNavy #Future #Warfare #DefenseNews #weapons #navy #naval #innovation
#science #news #IsraelIranConflict #IranWar #MiddleEastCrisis #OperationEpicFury #iranisraelwar #iran #iranvsisrael

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYFgQpAQ9aU

Directed Energy • The End of the Drone Era?

For years, the math of modern warfare was broken. Adversaries could launch swarms of cheap, thousand-dollar drones, forcing defenders to fire multi-million dollar interceptor missiles to stop them.

#Military #Tech #USNavy #Future #Warfare #DefenseNews #weapons #navy #naval #innovation
#science #news #IsraelIranConflict #IranWar #MiddleEastCrisis #OperationEpicFury #iranisraelwar #iran #iranvsisrael

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKyZU8kMe6I

You Don't Align an AI, You Align with It

https://danieltan.weblog.lol/2026/05/you-dont-align-an-ai-you-align-with-it

#HackerNews #AI #Alignment #AI #Ethics #Technology #Innovation #Future #of #AI

You Don't Align an AI, You Align with It

https://danieltan.weblog.lol/2026/05/you-dont-align-an-ai-you-align-with-it

#HackerNews #AI #Alignment #AI #Ethics #Technology #Innovation #Future #of #AI

You Don't Align an AI, You Align with It

https://danieltan.weblog.lol/2026/05/you-dont-align-an-ai-you-align-with-it

#HackerNews #AI #Alignment #AI #Ethics #Technology #Innovation #Future #of #AI

You Don't Align an AI, You Align with It

https://danieltan.weblog.lol/2026/05/you-dont-align-an-ai-you-align-with-it

#HackerNews #AI #Alignment #AI #Ethics #Technology #Innovation #Future #of #AI

You Don't Align an AI, You Align with It

https://danieltan.weblog.lol/2026/05/you-dont-align-an-ai-you-align-with-it

#HackerNews #AI #Alignment #AI #Ethics #Technology #Innovation #Future #of #AI

New spacecraft aims to move beyond Earth orbit. Space is our final frontier. https://arstechnica.com/space/2026/05/former-nasa-chief-takes-helm-of-national-security-space-firm/ #space #scifi #technology #future

Hansen, Artemis II crew talk about future space missions in Ottawa
https://atlas.whatip.xyz/post.php?slug=hansen-artemis-ii-crew-talk-about-future-space-missions-in-ottawa
<p>The astronauts who captured the world&#039;s imagination with their journey to the far side of the moon
#artemis #future #ottawa #hansen

Hansen, Artemis II crew talk about future space missions in Ottawa
https://atlas.whatip.xyz/post.php?slug=hansen-artemis-ii-crew-talk-about-future-space-missions-in-ottawa
<p>The astronauts who captured the world&#039;s imagination with their journey to the far side of the moon
#artemis #future #ottawa #hansen

The more you read this piece of excellent work the more you realize how much energy we, as the Open Source community, the programma's and the users, shall need to put in another to get a proper Balance Again

Read the section here.

Sources:

https://fireborn.mataroa.blog/blog/the-slow-death-of-the-power-user/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_User

#Power #User #Walled #Garden #programming #InfoSec #privilege #feature #parameters #control #OpenSource #against #Meta #FB #Alphabet #Enshittification #Google #Elon #Musk #Twitter #Facebook #WTF

#Death #Vigil #Eulogy #Abstraction #API #IDE #programming #DNS #networking #File #System #FileSystem #sadness #bleak #future #lisp

The more you read this piece of excellent work the more you realize how much energy we, as the Open Source community, the programma's and the users, shall need to put in another to get a proper Balance Again

Read the section here.

Sources:

https://fireborn.mataroa.blog/blog/the-slow-death-of-the-power-user/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_User

#Power #User #Walled #Garden #programming #InfoSec #privilege #feature #parameters #control #OpenSource #against #Meta #FB #Alphabet #Enshittification #Google #Elon #Musk #Twitter #Facebook #WTF

#Death #Vigil #Eulogy #Abstraction #API #IDE #programming #DNS #networking #File #System #FileSystem #sadness #bleak #future #lisp

The more you read this piece of excellent work the more you realize how much energy we, as the Open Source community, the programma's and the users, shall need to put in another to get a proper Balance Again

Read the section here.

Sources:

https://fireborn.mataroa.blog/blog/the-slow-death-of-the-power-user/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_User

#Power #User #Walled #Garden #programming #InfoSec #privilege #feature #parameters #control #OpenSource #against #Meta #FB #Alphabet #Enshittification #Google #Elon #Musk #Twitter #Facebook #WTF

#Death #Vigil #Eulogy #Abstraction #API #IDE #programming #DNS #networking #File #System #FileSystem #sadness #bleak #future #lisp

The more you read this piece of excellent work the more you realize how much energy we, as the Open Source community, the programma's and the users, shall need to put in another to get a proper Balance Again

Read the section here.

Sources:

https://fireborn.mataroa.blog/blog/the-slow-death-of-the-power-user/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_User

#Power #User #Walled #Garden #programming #InfoSec #privilege #feature #parameters #control #OpenSource #against #Meta #FB #Alphabet #Enshittification #Google #Elon #Musk #Twitter #Facebook #WTF

#Death #Vigil #Eulogy #Abstraction #API #IDE #programming #DNS #networking #File #System #FileSystem #sadness #bleak #future #lisp

The more you read this piece of excellent work the more you realize how much energy we, as the Open Source community, the programma's and the users, shall need to put in another to get a proper Balance Again

Read the section here.

Sources:

https://fireborn.mataroa.blog/blog/the-slow-death-of-the-power-user/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_User

#Power #User #Walled #Garden #programming #InfoSec #privilege #feature #parameters #control #OpenSource #against #Meta #FB #Alphabet #Enshittification #Google #Elon #Musk #Twitter #Facebook #WTF

#Death #Vigil #Eulogy #Abstraction #API #IDE #programming #DNS #networking #File #System #FileSystem #sadness #bleak #future #lisp

Why I'm leaving #GitHub

source: jorijn.com/en/blog/leaving-git…

TL;DR

• GitHub logged 257 incidents in May 2025 to April 2026, 48 of them major. The CTO publicly apologised and said capacity needs to scale 30x to keep up with AI-driven load.
• In August 2025 GitHub stopped having its own CEO. It is now a unit of Microsoft's #CoreAI division, the same group building Copilot and the broader AI stack.
• On April 24, 2026 GitHub flipped #Copilot Free, Pro, and Pro+ user-interaction data to opt-in for AI training by default. There is no repository-level opt-out.
• US-jurisdictional risk under #FISA Section 702 and the CLOUD Act is unresolved. Microsoft's own attorney told the French Senate under oath he could not #guarantee #EU data was safe from silent US #government access.

So tell me why do they still use GitHub?

#news #software #privacy #ai #economy #fail #problem #ethics #protest #foss #floss #opensource #code #coder #developer #nerd #hacker #usa #politics #freedom #internet #online #service #control #access #technology #economy #platform #criticism #future #society #microsoft #bigdata #bigtech #power

Why I'm leaving #GitHub

source: jorijn.com/en/blog/leaving-git…

TL;DR

• GitHub logged 257 incidents in May 2025 to April 2026, 48 of them major. The CTO publicly apologised and said capacity needs to scale 30x to keep up with AI-driven load.
• In August 2025 GitHub stopped having its own CEO. It is now a unit of Microsoft's #CoreAI division, the same group building Copilot and the broader AI stack.
• On April 24, 2026 GitHub flipped #Copilot Free, Pro, and Pro+ user-interaction data to opt-in for AI training by default. There is no repository-level opt-out.
• US-jurisdictional risk under #FISA Section 702 and the CLOUD Act is unresolved. Microsoft's own attorney told the French Senate under oath he could not #guarantee #EU data was safe from silent US #government access.

So tell me why do they still use GitHub?

#news #software #privacy #ai #economy #fail #problem #ethics #protest #foss #floss #opensource #code #coder #developer #nerd #hacker #usa #politics #freedom #internet #online #service #control #access #technology #economy #platform #criticism #future #society #microsoft #bigdata #bigtech #power

Why I'm leaving #GitHub

source: jorijn.com/en/blog/leaving-git…

TL;DR

• GitHub logged 257 incidents in May 2025 to April 2026, 48 of them major. The CTO publicly apologised and said capacity needs to scale 30x to keep up with AI-driven load.
• In August 2025 GitHub stopped having its own CEO. It is now a unit of Microsoft's #CoreAI division, the same group building Copilot and the broader AI stack.
• On April 24, 2026 GitHub flipped #Copilot Free, Pro, and Pro+ user-interaction data to opt-in for AI training by default. There is no repository-level opt-out.
• US-jurisdictional risk under #FISA Section 702 and the CLOUD Act is unresolved. Microsoft's own attorney told the French Senate under oath he could not #guarantee #EU data was safe from silent US #government access.

So tell me why do they still use GitHub?

#news #software #privacy #ai #economy #fail #problem #ethics #protest #foss #floss #opensource #code #coder #developer #nerd #hacker #usa #politics #freedom #internet #online #service #control #access #technology #economy #platform #criticism #future #society #microsoft #bigdata #bigtech #power

@RichardJMurphy
1/ After you do all this good #writing, work also on a small but connecting way to take our similar #perspectives and #choices by talking to each other #privately and take life more into our own hands. Talks can be started in under 1 min (even by a grandma).

2/ Eventually then we take the #land back as it's key to many things like taking care of #future #children, by passing on the #planet instead of paying endless #debts in the future (all gets worse if these 2 not worked on).

@RichardJMurphy
1/ After you do all this good #writing, work also on a small but connecting way to take our similar #perspectives and #choices by talking to each other #privately and take life more into our own hands. Talks can be started in under 1 min (even by a grandma).

2/ Eventually then we take the #land back as it's key to many things like taking care of #future #children, by passing on the #planet instead of paying endless #debts in the future (all gets worse if these 2 not worked on).

@RichardJMurphy
1/ After you do all this good #writing, work also on a small but connecting way to take our similar #perspectives and #choices by talking to each other #privately and take life more into our own hands. Talks can be started in under 1 min (even by a grandma).

2/ Eventually then we take the #land back as it's key to many things like taking care of #future #children, by passing on the #planet instead of paying endless #debts in the future (all gets worse if these 2 not worked on).

@RichardJMurphy
1/ After you do all this good #writing, work also on a small but connecting way to take our similar #perspectives and #choices by talking to each other #privately and take life more into our own hands. Talks can be started in under 1 min (even by a grandma).

2/ Eventually then we take the #land back as it's key to many things like taking care of #future #children, by passing on the #planet instead of paying endless #debts in the future (all gets worse if these 2 not worked on).

@RichardJMurphy
1/ After you do all this good #writing, work also on a small but connecting way to take our similar #perspectives and #choices by talking to each other #privately and take life more into our own hands. Talks can be started in under 1 min (even by a grandma).

2/ Eventually then we take the #land back as it's key to many things like taking care of #future #children, by passing on the #planet instead of paying endless #debts in the future (all gets worse if these 2 not worked on).

繋がる火炎道　Пов'язаний вогняний шлях
未来は開かない
це сила боротьби,

https://note.com/poison_raika/n/nbe38cde37c46

<>

#ＡＩ生成 #depths #chest #alarm #now #single #word #enough #reach #stay #shut #inside #walls #future #open #unknown #world #unfamiliar #value #moment #touch #look #light #bounce #than #upon #upon #other #want #join

繋がる火炎道　Пов'язаний вогняний шлях
未来は開かない
це сила боротьби,

https://note.com/poison_raika/n/nbe38cde37c46

<>

#ＡＩ生成 #depths #chest #alarm #now #single #word #enough #reach #stay #shut #inside #walls #future #open #unknown #world #unfamiliar #value #moment #touch #look #light #bounce #than #upon #upon #other #want #join

繋がる火炎道　Пов'язаний вогняний шлях
未来は開かない
це сила боротьби,

https://note.com/poison_raika/n/nbe38cde37c46

<>

#ＡＩ生成 #depths #chest #alarm #now #single #word #enough #reach #stay #shut #inside #walls #future #open #unknown #world #unfamiliar #value #moment #touch #look #light #bounce #than #upon #upon #other #want #join

君の声を聞かせて　Почуй свій голос
沈黙は優しさじゃない
Ті мовчазні очі

https://note.com/poison_raika/n/n7de3371432f7

<>

#ＡＩ生成 #leave #someone #else #future #whose #those #silent #eyes #your #they #see #wish #word #push #heart #away #even #though #already #notice #change #thing #hear #voice #right #here #now #chosen #throw #love

繋がる火炎道　Пов'язаний вогняний шлях
未来は開かない
це сила боротьби,

https://note.com/poison_raika/n/nbe38cde37c46

<>

#ＡＩ生成 #depths #chest #alarm #now #single #word #enough #reach #stay #shut #inside #walls #future #open #unknown #world #unfamiliar #value #moment #touch #look #light #bounce #than #upon #upon #other #want #join

繋がる火炎道　Пов'язаний вогняний шлях
未来は開かない
це сила боротьби,

https://note.com/poison_raika/n/nbe38cde37c46

<>

#ＡＩ生成 #depths #chest #alarm #now #single #word #enough #reach #stay #shut #inside #walls #future #open #unknown #world #unfamiliar #value #moment #touch #look #light #bounce #than #upon #upon #other #want #join

Book Promotion: Ready to be surprised? Checkout this selection of unpredictable reads and discover your new favourite author. Downloadable free. #fedibookfair #amateur #whodunnit #monster #guns #suspense #steampunk #vigilante #reading #thrills #amreading #classic #mystery #travel #contemporary #boost #readers #goodbooks #adventure #detective #sleuth #legendary #excitement #thriller #future #murder #action #private #writing (1214) https://books.bookfunnel.com/unpredictablereads/hz1gi89353?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=mastodon

Book Promotion: Ready to be surprised? Checkout this selection of unpredictable reads and discover your new favourite author. Downloadable free. #fedibookfair #amateur #whodunnit #monster #guns #suspense #steampunk #vigilante #reading #thrills #amreading #classic #mystery #travel #contemporary #boost #readers #goodbooks #adventure #detective #sleuth #legendary #excitement #thriller #future #murder #action #private #writing (1214) https://books.bookfunnel.com/unpredictablereads/hz1gi89353?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=mastodon