#personalitydisorder — Public Fediverse posts

Sometimes I think of how many physical/mental strikes I had against me from birth. This shrimpy* kid with a progressive hearing loss, twisted-up legs, deeply fucked #executiveFunction, who almost died right away from mastitis, who was spanked or whipped almost every day of his life from age 2-12, whose mom probably had a #personalityDisorder and ran an authoritarian dictatorship household (6 kids), whose dad was rarely around and honestly didn't seem all that involved or interested when he was; the kid who went to boarding school (for the #deaf) at age 13 and never felt 100% like part of the family after that...

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. Other times I feel like Fuck Yeah I'm Still Here (and somehow gainfully employed and have an absofuckinglutely amazing kid).

And I remember that I was also that shrimpy* kid who couldn't stop #reading; who was obsessed with finding out what was true and right; who loved visual, musical, and dramatic #art almost more than life; who played with #words and ideas instead of balls and teammates, who had a mother willing to slap you in the face for disrespect but also willing to fight half a dozen school districts to get her kids into the best classes or #PublicSchool available, whose father didn't seem to like him all that much, but did love him and worked himself almost to death, giving up the career he was passionate about to feed his family.

The mix of #selfPity and gratitude swings wide, sometimes. This morning it's #gratitude.

*No longer shrimpy, starting at about age 25; in fact, kind of chunky since then.

#disability #hearingloss #navelgazing

I think it's overdue that I tell you all these good news about my mental health.

But first a look back:
In summer 2019 I fell in love platonically. She reminded me a lot of my first love, a girl I was happily friends with for about two years and then got a depression after she found out I loved her and the friendship changed.
All the good and especially the bad feelings from the end of that past friendship came back immediately the first day I met the new woman. It was love at first sight but at first it wasn't even sure if the feelings were really for her or caused by the memory of my first love.
Anyway we became good friends, but the good and bad feelings stayed and by the end of the year I had developed a heavy depression, which stayed for over 4 years.
I won't go into detail about how bad it was (you can find some previous mh- posts on my profile, that haven't been auto deleted), because I want to keep this post (and the cw) positive.

Besides my depression I was diagnosed with social phobia and 3 personality disorders (dependent, avoidant and emotionally unstable). Btw dependent personality disorder has nothing to do with alcohol or other drugs, but, at least for me, with being dependent on other people, or another person.

The past 4 years were awful, but last summer it already got a lot better: I finally got over her. The depression didn't end, but it freed my mind and at least I got somewhat stable (except for one slip up). What remained though was my avolition, which actually had to get worse before it got better.
For a few months I couldn't get myself to do anything, not even post in the Fediverse. I didn't even touch my computer, let alone leave the house. All I did was play Pokemon on my Switch console and some really numb games on my phone, but only for short periods at a time, because I couldn't even motivate me to keep doing that.
I guess I had to reach rock bottom regarding my drive to then go upwards from there.

Mid January I started my computer again and did at least a few relatively meaningful things a day. Than a while later, still in January, I seem to have found a motivation-switch and started doing a fitness routine, which I still do daily. Being physically active motivated me to be more active in other ways too and that changed my mood completely. For about two weeks I described my mood as above average, which was probably because of the updraft. Now I'd say its average, which I'm totally fine with in my current situation.

My therapist got me thinking, if maybe my other diagnoses were just side effects of the depression, which could well be true:

About the social phobia: I now have a nice conversation with a (relative) stranger every day while dog walking. I feel a lot more confident while talking to other people, because I don't have such an abysmal self worth. And many people notice the change.

About the personality disorders: They say you cannot heal a personality disorder, only learn to live with it, but I don't think that's whats happening right now. I bet if I did a comprehensive diagnostic process like I did a few years ago I'd still have results that indicate similar differences in the personality from "the norm", but much less drastic. "Personality traits" instead of personality disorders.

I just definitely have a pathological psychic reaction when I fall in love and I can no longer keep my personality traits in check.
But I believe I'm much better equipped even for such situations than I was before and I mainly thank my new (since one year) therapist for that (deep psychoanalysis).

I don't want to jinx it, but if my situation stays like this for a while, I'm fine with that and I'll soon consider myself healed from the depression.

Sure there is lots of things that can still be improved: I have no money, job or education and no real plan about changing any of that. I have very few friends and generally no social net (which I really should have so when it comes to it, I won't put all my hopes and dreams into one person again and become extremely dependent).
And I actually wouldn't mind a sort of partnership for the first time in my life either. E.g. a queerplatonic relationship sounds nice.

#MentalHealth #GoodNews #positivity #depression #NotJustSad #LoveSickness #PlatonicLove #QueerPlatonic #love #friendship #SocialPhobia #SocialAnxiety #PersonalityDisorder #PersonalityDisorders #avolition #spoons #motivation #PsychoTherapy #PsychoAnalysis #DeepPsychology

I think it's overdue that I tell you all these good news about my mental health.

But first a look back:
In summer 2019 I fell in love platonically. She reminded me a lot of my first love, a girl I was happily friends with for about two years and then got a depression after she found out I loved her and the friendship changed.
All the good and especially the bad feelings from the end of that past friendship came back immediately the first day I met the new woman. It was love at first sight but at first it wasn't even sure if the feelings were really for her or caused by the memory of my first love.
Anyway we became good friends, but the good and bad feelings stayed and by the end of the year I had developed a heavy depression, which stayed for over 4 years.
I won't go into detail about how bad it was (you can find some previous mh- posts on my profile, that haven't been auto deleted), because I want to keep this post (and the cw) positive.

Besides my depression I was diagnosed with social phobia and 3 personality disorders (dependent, avoidant and emotionally unstable). Btw dependent personality disorder has nothing to do with alcohol or other drugs, but, at least for me, with being dependent on other people, or another person.

The past 4 years were awful, but last summer it already got a lot better: I finally got over her. The depression didn't end, but it freed my mind and at least I got somewhat stable (except for one slip up). What remained though was my avolition, which actually had to get worse before it got better.
For a few months I couldn't get myself to do anything, not even post in the Fediverse. I didn't even touch my computer, let alone leave the house. All I did was play Pokemon on my Switch console and some really numb games on my phone, but only for short periods at a time, because I couldn't even motivate me to keep doing that.
I guess I had to reach rock bottom regarding my drive to then go upwards from there.

Mid January I started my computer again and did at least a few relatively meaningful things a day. Than a while later, still in January, I seem to have found a motivation-switch and started doing a fitness routine, which I still do daily. Being physically active motivated me to be more active in other ways too and that changed my mood completely. For about two weeks I described my mood as above average, which was probably because of the updraft. Now I'd say its average, which I'm totally fine with in my current situation.

My therapist got me thinking, if maybe my other diagnoses were just side effects of the depression, which could well be true:

About the social phobia: I now have a nice conversation with a (relative) stranger every day while dog walking. I feel a lot more confident while talking to other people, because I don't have such an abysmal self worth. And many people notice the change.

About the personality disorders: They say you cannot heal a personality disorder, only learn to live with it, but I don't think that's whats happening right now. I bet if I did a comprehensive diagnostic process like I did a few years ago I'd still have results that indicate similar differences in the personality from "the norm", but much less drastic. "Personality traits" instead of personality disorders.

I just definitely have a pathological psychic reaction when I fall in love and I can no longer keep my personality traits in check.
But I believe I'm much better equipped even for such situations than I was before and I mainly thank my new (since one year) therapist for that (deep psychoanalysis).

I don't want to jinx it, but if my situation stays like this for a while, I'm fine with that and I'll soon consider myself healed from the depression.

Sure there is lots of things that can still be improved: I have no money, job or education and no real plan about changing any of that. I have very few friends and generally no social net (which I really should have so when it comes to it, I won't put all my hopes and dreams into one person again and become extremely dependent).
And I actually wouldn't mind a sort of partnership for the first time in my life either. E.g. a queerplatonic relationship sounds nice.

#MentalHealth #GoodNews #positivity #depression #NotJustSad #LoveSickness #PlatonicLove #QueerPlatonic #love #friendship #SocialPhobia #SocialAnxiety #PersonalityDisorder #PersonalityDisorders #avolition #spoons #motivation #PsychoTherapy #PsychoAnalysis #DeepPsychology

I think it's overdue that I tell you all these good news about my mental health.

But first a look back:
In summer 2019 I fell in love platonically. She reminded me a lot of my first love, a girl I was happily friends with for about two years and then got a depression after she found out I loved her and the friendship changed.
All the good and especially the bad feelings from the end of that past friendship came back immediately the first day I met the new woman. It was love at first sight but at first it wasn't even sure if the feelings were really for her or caused by the memory of my first love.
Anyway we became good friends, but the good and bad feelings stayed and by the end of the year I had developed a heavy depression, which stayed for over 4 years.
I won't go into detail about how bad it was (you can find some previous mh- posts on my profile, that haven't been auto deleted), because I want to keep this post (and the cw) positive.

Besides my depression I was diagnosed with social phobia and 3 personality disorders (dependent, avoidant and emotionally unstable). Btw dependent personality disorder has nothing to do with alcohol or other drugs, but, at least for me, with being dependent on other people, or another person.

The past 4 years were awful, but last summer it already got a lot better: I finally got over her. The depression didn't end, but it freed my mind and at least I got somewhat stable (except for one slip up). What remained though was my avolition, which actually had to get worse before it got better.
For a few months I couldn't get myself to do anything, not even post in the Fediverse. I didn't even touch my computer, let alone leave the house. All I did was play Pokemon on my Switch console and some really numb games on my phone, but only for short periods at a time, because I couldn't even motivate me to keep doing that.
I guess I had to reach rock bottom regarding my drive to then go upwards from there.

Mid January I started my computer again and did at least a few relatively meaningful things a day. Than a while later, still in January, I seem to have found a motivation-switch and started doing a fitness routine, which I still do daily. Being physically active motivated me to be more active in other ways too and that changed my mood completely. For about two weeks I described my mood as above average, which was probably because of the updraft. Now I'd say its average, which I'm totally fine with in my current situation.

My therapist got me thinking, if maybe my other diagnoses were just side effects of the depression, which could well be true:

About the social phobia: I now have a nice conversation with a (relative) stranger every day while dog walking. I feel a lot more confident while talking to other people, because I don't have such an abysmal self worth. And many people notice the change.

About the personality disorders: They say you cannot heal a personality disorder, only learn to live with it, but I don't think that's whats happening right now. I bet if I did a comprehensive diagnostic process like I did a few years ago I'd still have results that indicate similar differences in the personality from "the norm", but much less drastic. "Personality traits" instead of personality disorders.

I just definitely have a pathological psychic reaction when I fall in love and I can no longer keep my personality traits in check.
But I believe I'm much better equipped even for such situations than I was before and I mainly thank my new (since one year) therapist for that (deep psychoanalysis).

I don't want to jinx it, but if my situation stays like this for a while, I'm fine with that and I'll soon consider myself healed from the depression.

Sure there is lots of things that can still be improved: I have no money, job or education and no real plan about changing any of that. I have very few friends and generally no social net (which I really should have so when it comes to it, I won't put all my hopes and dreams into one person again and become extremely dependent).
And I actually wouldn't mind a sort of partnership for the first time in my life either. E.g. a queerplatonic relationship sounds nice.

#MentalHealth #GoodNews #positivity #depression #NotJustSad #LoveSickness #PlatonicLove #QueerPlatonic #love #friendship #SocialPhobia #SocialAnxiety #PersonalityDisorder #PersonalityDisorders #avolition #spoons #motivation #PsychoTherapy #PsychoAnalysis #DeepPsychology

I think it's overdue that I tell you all these good news about my mental health.

But first a look back:
In summer 2019 I fell in love platonically. She reminded me a lot of my first love, a girl I was happily friends with for about two years and then got a depression after she found out I loved her and the friendship changed.
All the good and especially the bad feelings from the end of that past friendship came back immediately the first day I met the new woman. It was love at first sight but at first it wasn't even sure if the feelings were really for her or caused by the memory of my first love.
Anyway we became good friends, but the good and bad feelings stayed and by the end of the year I had developed a heavy depression, which stayed for over 4 years.
I won't go into detail about how bad it was (you can find some previous mh- posts on my profile, that haven't been auto deleted), because I want to keep this post (and the cw) positive.

Besides my depression I was diagnosed with social phobia and 3 personality disorders (dependent, avoidant and emotionally unstable). Btw dependent personality disorder has nothing to do with alcohol or other drugs, but, at least for me, with being dependent on other people, or another person.

The past 4 years were awful, but last summer it already got a lot better: I finally got over her. The depression didn't end, but it freed my mind and at least I got somewhat stable (except for one slip up). What remained though was my avolition, which actually had to get worse before it got better.
For a few months I couldn't get myself to do anything, not even post in the Fediverse. I didn't even touch my computer, let alone leave the house. All I did was play Pokemon on my Switch console and some really numb games on my phone, but only for short periods at a time, because I couldn't even motivate me to keep doing that.
I guess I had to reach rock bottom regarding my drive to then go upwards from there.

Mid January I started my computer again and did at least a few relatively meaningful things a day. Than a while later, still in January, I seem to have found a motivation-switch and started doing a fitness routine, which I still do daily. Being physically active motivated me to be more active in other ways too and that changed my mood completely. For about two weeks I described my mood as above average, which was probably because of the updraft. Now I'd say its average, which I'm totally fine with in my current situation.

My therapist got me thinking, if maybe my other diagnoses were just side effects of the depression, which could well be true:

About the social phobia: I now have a nice conversation with a (relative) stranger every day while dog walking. I feel a lot more confident while talking to other people, because I don't have such an abysmal self worth. And many people notice the change.

About the personality disorders: They say you cannot heal a personality disorder, only learn to live with it, but I don't think that's whats happening right now. I bet if I did a comprehensive diagnostic process like I did a few years ago I'd still have results that indicate similar differences in the personality from "the norm", but much less drastic. "Personality traits" instead of personality disorders.

I just definitely have a pathological psychic reaction when I fall in love and I can no longer keep my personality traits in check.
But I believe I'm much better equipped even for such situations than I was before and I mainly thank my new (since one year) therapist for that (deep psychoanalysis).

I don't want to jinx it, but if my situation stays like this for a while, I'm fine with that and I'll soon consider myself healed from the depression.

Sure there is lots of things that can still be improved: I have no money, job or education and no real plan about changing any of that. I have very few friends and generally no social net (which I really should have so when it comes to it, I won't put all my hopes and dreams into one person again and become extremely dependent).
And I actually wouldn't mind a sort of partnership for the first time in my life either. E.g. a queerplatonic relationship sounds nice.

#MentalHealth #GoodNews #positivity #depression #NotJustSad #LoveSickness #PlatonicLove #QueerPlatonic #love #friendship #SocialPhobia #SocialAnxiety #PersonalityDisorder #PersonalityDisorders #avolition #spoons #motivation #PsychoTherapy #PsychoAnalysis #DeepPsychology

I think it's overdue that I tell you all these good news about my mental health.

But first a look back:
In summer 2019 I fell in love platonically. She reminded me a lot of my first love, a girl I was happily friends with for about two years and then got a depression after she found out I loved her and the friendship changed.
All the good and especially the bad feelings from the end of that past friendship came back immediately the first day I met the new woman. It was love at first sight but at first it wasn't even sure if the feelings were really for her or caused by the memory of my first love.
Anyway we became good friends, but the good and bad feelings stayed and by the end of the year I had developed a heavy depression, which stayed for over 4 years.
I won't go into detail about how bad it was (you can find some previous mh- posts on my profile, that haven't been auto deleted), because I want to keep this post (and the cw) positive.

Besides my depression I was diagnosed with social phobia and 3 personality disorders (dependent, avoidant and emotionally unstable). Btw dependent personality disorder has nothing to do with alcohol or other drugs, but, at least for me, with being dependent on other people, or another person.

The past 4 years were awful, but last summer it already got a lot better: I finally got over her. The depression didn't end, but it freed my mind and at least I got somewhat stable (except for one slip up). What remained though was my avolition, which actually had to get worse before it got better.
For a few months I couldn't get myself to do anything, not even post in the Fediverse. I didn't even touch my computer, let alone leave the house. All I did was play Pokemon on my Switch console and some really numb games on my phone, but only for short periods at a time, because I couldn't even motivate me to keep doing that.
I guess I had to reach rock bottom regarding my drive to then go upwards from there.

Mid January I started my computer again and did at least a few relatively meaningful things a day. Than a while later, still in January, I seem to have found a motivation-switch and started doing a fitness routine, which I still do daily. Being physically active motivated me to be more active in other ways too and that changed my mood completely. For about two weeks I described my mood as above average, which was probably because of the updraft. Now I'd say its average, which I'm totally fine with in my current situation.

My therapist got me thinking, if maybe my other diagnoses were just side effects of the depression, which could well be true:

About the social phobia: I now have a nice conversation with a (relative) stranger every day while dog walking. I feel a lot more confident while talking to other people, because I don't have such an abysmal self worth. And many people notice the change.

About the personality disorders: They say you cannot heal a personality disorder, only learn to live with it, but I don't think that's whats happening right now. I bet if I did a comprehensive diagnostic process like I did a few years ago I'd still have results that indicate similar differences in the personality from "the norm", but much less drastic. "Personality traits" instead of personality disorders.

I just definitely have a pathological psychic reaction when I fall in love and I can no longer keep my personality traits in check.
But I believe I'm much better equipped even for such situations than I was before and I mainly thank my new (since one year) therapist for that (deep psychoanalysis).

I don't want to jinx it, but if my situation stays like this for a while, I'm fine with that and I'll soon consider myself healed from the depression.

Sure there is lots of things that can still be improved: I have no money, job or education and no real plan about changing any of that. I have very few friends and generally no social net (which I really should have so when it comes to it, I won't put all my hopes and dreams into one person again and become extremely dependent).
And I actually wouldn't mind a sort of partnership for the first time in my life either. E.g. a queerplatonic relationship sounds nice.

#MentalHealth #GoodNews #positivity #depression #NotJustSad #LoveSickness #PlatonicLove #QueerPlatonic #love #friendship #SocialPhobia #SocialAnxiety #PersonalityDisorder #PersonalityDisorders #avolition #spoons #motivation #PsychoTherapy #PsychoAnalysis #DeepPsychology