#avolition — Public Fediverse posts

I think it's overdue that I tell you all these good news about my mental health.

But first a look back:
In summer 2019 I fell in love platonically. She reminded me a lot of my first love, a girl I was happily friends with for about two years and then got a depression after she found out I loved her and the friendship changed.
All the good and especially the bad feelings from the end of that past friendship came back immediately the first day I met the new woman. It was love at first sight but at first it wasn't even sure if the feelings were really for her or caused by the memory of my first love.
Anyway we became good friends, but the good and bad feelings stayed and by the end of the year I had developed a heavy depression, which stayed for over 4 years.
I won't go into detail about how bad it was (you can find some previous mh- posts on my profile, that haven't been auto deleted), because I want to keep this post (and the cw) positive.

Besides my depression I was diagnosed with social phobia and 3 personality disorders (dependent, avoidant and emotionally unstable). Btw dependent personality disorder has nothing to do with alcohol or other drugs, but, at least for me, with being dependent on other people, or another person.

The past 4 years were awful, but last summer it already got a lot better: I finally got over her. The depression didn't end, but it freed my mind and at least I got somewhat stable (except for one slip up). What remained though was my avolition, which actually had to get worse before it got better.
For a few months I couldn't get myself to do anything, not even post in the Fediverse. I didn't even touch my computer, let alone leave the house. All I did was play Pokemon on my Switch console and some really numb games on my phone, but only for short periods at a time, because I couldn't even motivate me to keep doing that.
I guess I had to reach rock bottom regarding my drive to then go upwards from there.

Mid January I started my computer again and did at least a few relatively meaningful things a day. Than a while later, still in January, I seem to have found a motivation-switch and started doing a fitness routine, which I still do daily. Being physically active motivated me to be more active in other ways too and that changed my mood completely. For about two weeks I described my mood as above average, which was probably because of the updraft. Now I'd say its average, which I'm totally fine with in my current situation.

My therapist got me thinking, if maybe my other diagnoses were just side effects of the depression, which could well be true:

About the social phobia: I now have a nice conversation with a (relative) stranger every day while dog walking. I feel a lot more confident while talking to other people, because I don't have such an abysmal self worth. And many people notice the change.

About the personality disorders: They say you cannot heal a personality disorder, only learn to live with it, but I don't think that's whats happening right now. I bet if I did a comprehensive diagnostic process like I did a few years ago I'd still have results that indicate similar differences in the personality from "the norm", but much less drastic. "Personality traits" instead of personality disorders.

I just definitely have a pathological psychic reaction when I fall in love and I can no longer keep my personality traits in check.
But I believe I'm much better equipped even for such situations than I was before and I mainly thank my new (since one year) therapist for that (deep psychoanalysis).

I don't want to jinx it, but if my situation stays like this for a while, I'm fine with that and I'll soon consider myself healed from the depression.

Sure there is lots of things that can still be improved: I have no money, job or education and no real plan about changing any of that. I have very few friends and generally no social net (which I really should have so when it comes to it, I won't put all my hopes and dreams into one person again and become extremely dependent).
And I actually wouldn't mind a sort of partnership for the first time in my life either. E.g. a queerplatonic relationship sounds nice.

#MentalHealth #GoodNews #positivity #depression #NotJustSad #LoveSickness #PlatonicLove #QueerPlatonic #love #friendship #SocialPhobia #SocialAnxiety #PersonalityDisorder #PersonalityDisorders #avolition #spoons #motivation #PsychoTherapy #PsychoAnalysis #DeepPsychology

I think it's overdue that I tell you all these good news about my mental health.

But first a look back:
In summer 2019 I fell in love platonically. She reminded me a lot of my first love, a girl I was happily friends with for about two years and then got a depression after she found out I loved her and the friendship changed.
All the good and especially the bad feelings from the end of that past friendship came back immediately the first day I met the new woman. It was love at first sight but at first it wasn't even sure if the feelings were really for her or caused by the memory of my first love.
Anyway we became good friends, but the good and bad feelings stayed and by the end of the year I had developed a heavy depression, which stayed for over 4 years.
I won't go into detail about how bad it was (you can find some previous mh- posts on my profile, that haven't been auto deleted), because I want to keep this post (and the cw) positive.

Besides my depression I was diagnosed with social phobia and 3 personality disorders (dependent, avoidant and emotionally unstable). Btw dependent personality disorder has nothing to do with alcohol or other drugs, but, at least for me, with being dependent on other people, or another person.

The past 4 years were awful, but last summer it already got a lot better: I finally got over her. The depression didn't end, but it freed my mind and at least I got somewhat stable (except for one slip up). What remained though was my avolition, which actually had to get worse before it got better.
For a few months I couldn't get myself to do anything, not even post in the Fediverse. I didn't even touch my computer, let alone leave the house. All I did was play Pokemon on my Switch console and some really numb games on my phone, but only for short periods at a time, because I couldn't even motivate me to keep doing that.
I guess I had to reach rock bottom regarding my drive to then go upwards from there.

Mid January I started my computer again and did at least a few relatively meaningful things a day. Than a while later, still in January, I seem to have found a motivation-switch and started doing a fitness routine, which I still do daily. Being physically active motivated me to be more active in other ways too and that changed my mood completely. For about two weeks I described my mood as above average, which was probably because of the updraft. Now I'd say its average, which I'm totally fine with in my current situation.

My therapist got me thinking, if maybe my other diagnoses were just side effects of the depression, which could well be true:

About the social phobia: I now have a nice conversation with a (relative) stranger every day while dog walking. I feel a lot more confident while talking to other people, because I don't have such an abysmal self worth. And many people notice the change.

About the personality disorders: They say you cannot heal a personality disorder, only learn to live with it, but I don't think that's whats happening right now. I bet if I did a comprehensive diagnostic process like I did a few years ago I'd still have results that indicate similar differences in the personality from "the norm", but much less drastic. "Personality traits" instead of personality disorders.

I just definitely have a pathological psychic reaction when I fall in love and I can no longer keep my personality traits in check.
But I believe I'm much better equipped even for such situations than I was before and I mainly thank my new (since one year) therapist for that (deep psychoanalysis).

I don't want to jinx it, but if my situation stays like this for a while, I'm fine with that and I'll soon consider myself healed from the depression.

Sure there is lots of things that can still be improved: I have no money, job or education and no real plan about changing any of that. I have very few friends and generally no social net (which I really should have so when it comes to it, I won't put all my hopes and dreams into one person again and become extremely dependent).
And I actually wouldn't mind a sort of partnership for the first time in my life either. E.g. a queerplatonic relationship sounds nice.

#MentalHealth #GoodNews #positivity #depression #NotJustSad #LoveSickness #PlatonicLove #QueerPlatonic #love #friendship #SocialPhobia #SocialAnxiety #PersonalityDisorder #PersonalityDisorders #avolition #spoons #motivation #PsychoTherapy #PsychoAnalysis #DeepPsychology

I think it's overdue that I tell you all these good news about my mental health.

But first a look back:
In summer 2019 I fell in love platonically. She reminded me a lot of my first love, a girl I was happily friends with for about two years and then got a depression after she found out I loved her and the friendship changed.
All the good and especially the bad feelings from the end of that past friendship came back immediately the first day I met the new woman. It was love at first sight but at first it wasn't even sure if the feelings were really for her or caused by the memory of my first love.
Anyway we became good friends, but the good and bad feelings stayed and by the end of the year I had developed a heavy depression, which stayed for over 4 years.
I won't go into detail about how bad it was (you can find some previous mh- posts on my profile, that haven't been auto deleted), because I want to keep this post (and the cw) positive.

Besides my depression I was diagnosed with social phobia and 3 personality disorders (dependent, avoidant and emotionally unstable). Btw dependent personality disorder has nothing to do with alcohol or other drugs, but, at least for me, with being dependent on other people, or another person.

The past 4 years were awful, but last summer it already got a lot better: I finally got over her. The depression didn't end, but it freed my mind and at least I got somewhat stable (except for one slip up). What remained though was my avolition, which actually had to get worse before it got better.
For a few months I couldn't get myself to do anything, not even post in the Fediverse. I didn't even touch my computer, let alone leave the house. All I did was play Pokemon on my Switch console and some really numb games on my phone, but only for short periods at a time, because I couldn't even motivate me to keep doing that.
I guess I had to reach rock bottom regarding my drive to then go upwards from there.

Mid January I started my computer again and did at least a few relatively meaningful things a day. Than a while later, still in January, I seem to have found a motivation-switch and started doing a fitness routine, which I still do daily. Being physically active motivated me to be more active in other ways too and that changed my mood completely. For about two weeks I described my mood as above average, which was probably because of the updraft. Now I'd say its average, which I'm totally fine with in my current situation.

My therapist got me thinking, if maybe my other diagnoses were just side effects of the depression, which could well be true:

About the social phobia: I now have a nice conversation with a (relative) stranger every day while dog walking. I feel a lot more confident while talking to other people, because I don't have such an abysmal self worth. And many people notice the change.

About the personality disorders: They say you cannot heal a personality disorder, only learn to live with it, but I don't think that's whats happening right now. I bet if I did a comprehensive diagnostic process like I did a few years ago I'd still have results that indicate similar differences in the personality from "the norm", but much less drastic. "Personality traits" instead of personality disorders.

I just definitely have a pathological psychic reaction when I fall in love and I can no longer keep my personality traits in check.
But I believe I'm much better equipped even for such situations than I was before and I mainly thank my new (since one year) therapist for that (deep psychoanalysis).

I don't want to jinx it, but if my situation stays like this for a while, I'm fine with that and I'll soon consider myself healed from the depression.

Sure there is lots of things that can still be improved: I have no money, job or education and no real plan about changing any of that. I have very few friends and generally no social net (which I really should have so when it comes to it, I won't put all my hopes and dreams into one person again and become extremely dependent).
And I actually wouldn't mind a sort of partnership for the first time in my life either. E.g. a queerplatonic relationship sounds nice.

#MentalHealth #GoodNews #positivity #depression #NotJustSad #LoveSickness #PlatonicLove #QueerPlatonic #love #friendship #SocialPhobia #SocialAnxiety #PersonalityDisorder #PersonalityDisorders #avolition #spoons #motivation #PsychoTherapy #PsychoAnalysis #DeepPsychology

I think it's overdue that I tell you all these good news about my mental health.

But first a look back:
In summer 2019 I fell in love platonically. She reminded me a lot of my first love, a girl I was happily friends with for about two years and then got a depression after she found out I loved her and the friendship changed.
All the good and especially the bad feelings from the end of that past friendship came back immediately the first day I met the new woman. It was love at first sight but at first it wasn't even sure if the feelings were really for her or caused by the memory of my first love.
Anyway we became good friends, but the good and bad feelings stayed and by the end of the year I had developed a heavy depression, which stayed for over 4 years.
I won't go into detail about how bad it was (you can find some previous mh- posts on my profile, that haven't been auto deleted), because I want to keep this post (and the cw) positive.

Besides my depression I was diagnosed with social phobia and 3 personality disorders (dependent, avoidant and emotionally unstable). Btw dependent personality disorder has nothing to do with alcohol or other drugs, but, at least for me, with being dependent on other people, or another person.

The past 4 years were awful, but last summer it already got a lot better: I finally got over her. The depression didn't end, but it freed my mind and at least I got somewhat stable (except for one slip up). What remained though was my avolition, which actually had to get worse before it got better.
For a few months I couldn't get myself to do anything, not even post in the Fediverse. I didn't even touch my computer, let alone leave the house. All I did was play Pokemon on my Switch console and some really numb games on my phone, but only for short periods at a time, because I couldn't even motivate me to keep doing that.
I guess I had to reach rock bottom regarding my drive to then go upwards from there.

Mid January I started my computer again and did at least a few relatively meaningful things a day. Than a while later, still in January, I seem to have found a motivation-switch and started doing a fitness routine, which I still do daily. Being physically active motivated me to be more active in other ways too and that changed my mood completely. For about two weeks I described my mood as above average, which was probably because of the updraft. Now I'd say its average, which I'm totally fine with in my current situation.

My therapist got me thinking, if maybe my other diagnoses were just side effects of the depression, which could well be true:

About the social phobia: I now have a nice conversation with a (relative) stranger every day while dog walking. I feel a lot more confident while talking to other people, because I don't have such an abysmal self worth. And many people notice the change.

About the personality disorders: They say you cannot heal a personality disorder, only learn to live with it, but I don't think that's whats happening right now. I bet if I did a comprehensive diagnostic process like I did a few years ago I'd still have results that indicate similar differences in the personality from "the norm", but much less drastic. "Personality traits" instead of personality disorders.

I just definitely have a pathological psychic reaction when I fall in love and I can no longer keep my personality traits in check.
But I believe I'm much better equipped even for such situations than I was before and I mainly thank my new (since one year) therapist for that (deep psychoanalysis).

I don't want to jinx it, but if my situation stays like this for a while, I'm fine with that and I'll soon consider myself healed from the depression.

Sure there is lots of things that can still be improved: I have no money, job or education and no real plan about changing any of that. I have very few friends and generally no social net (which I really should have so when it comes to it, I won't put all my hopes and dreams into one person again and become extremely dependent).
And I actually wouldn't mind a sort of partnership for the first time in my life either. E.g. a queerplatonic relationship sounds nice.

#MentalHealth #GoodNews #positivity #depression #NotJustSad #LoveSickness #PlatonicLove #QueerPlatonic #love #friendship #SocialPhobia #SocialAnxiety #PersonalityDisorder #PersonalityDisorders #avolition #spoons #motivation #PsychoTherapy #PsychoAnalysis #DeepPsychology

I think it's overdue that I tell you all these good news about my mental health.

But first a look back:
In summer 2019 I fell in love platonically. She reminded me a lot of my first love, a girl I was happily friends with for about two years and then got a depression after she found out I loved her and the friendship changed.
All the good and especially the bad feelings from the end of that past friendship came back immediately the first day I met the new woman. It was love at first sight but at first it wasn't even sure if the feelings were really for her or caused by the memory of my first love.
Anyway we became good friends, but the good and bad feelings stayed and by the end of the year I had developed a heavy depression, which stayed for over 4 years.
I won't go into detail about how bad it was (you can find some previous mh- posts on my profile, that haven't been auto deleted), because I want to keep this post (and the cw) positive.

Besides my depression I was diagnosed with social phobia and 3 personality disorders (dependent, avoidant and emotionally unstable). Btw dependent personality disorder has nothing to do with alcohol or other drugs, but, at least for me, with being dependent on other people, or another person.

The past 4 years were awful, but last summer it already got a lot better: I finally got over her. The depression didn't end, but it freed my mind and at least I got somewhat stable (except for one slip up). What remained though was my avolition, which actually had to get worse before it got better.
For a few months I couldn't get myself to do anything, not even post in the Fediverse. I didn't even touch my computer, let alone leave the house. All I did was play Pokemon on my Switch console and some really numb games on my phone, but only for short periods at a time, because I couldn't even motivate me to keep doing that.
I guess I had to reach rock bottom regarding my drive to then go upwards from there.

Mid January I started my computer again and did at least a few relatively meaningful things a day. Than a while later, still in January, I seem to have found a motivation-switch and started doing a fitness routine, which I still do daily. Being physically active motivated me to be more active in other ways too and that changed my mood completely. For about two weeks I described my mood as above average, which was probably because of the updraft. Now I'd say its average, which I'm totally fine with in my current situation.

My therapist got me thinking, if maybe my other diagnoses were just side effects of the depression, which could well be true:

About the social phobia: I now have a nice conversation with a (relative) stranger every day while dog walking. I feel a lot more confident while talking to other people, because I don't have such an abysmal self worth. And many people notice the change.

About the personality disorders: They say you cannot heal a personality disorder, only learn to live with it, but I don't think that's whats happening right now. I bet if I did a comprehensive diagnostic process like I did a few years ago I'd still have results that indicate similar differences in the personality from "the norm", but much less drastic. "Personality traits" instead of personality disorders.

I just definitely have a pathological psychic reaction when I fall in love and I can no longer keep my personality traits in check.
But I believe I'm much better equipped even for such situations than I was before and I mainly thank my new (since one year) therapist for that (deep psychoanalysis).

I don't want to jinx it, but if my situation stays like this for a while, I'm fine with that and I'll soon consider myself healed from the depression.

Sure there is lots of things that can still be improved: I have no money, job or education and no real plan about changing any of that. I have very few friends and generally no social net (which I really should have so when it comes to it, I won't put all my hopes and dreams into one person again and become extremely dependent).
And I actually wouldn't mind a sort of partnership for the first time in my life either. E.g. a queerplatonic relationship sounds nice.

#MentalHealth #GoodNews #positivity #depression #NotJustSad #LoveSickness #PlatonicLove #QueerPlatonic #love #friendship #SocialPhobia #SocialAnxiety #PersonalityDisorder #PersonalityDisorders #avolition #spoons #motivation #PsychoTherapy #PsychoAnalysis #DeepPsychology

I just had a big fight with my mother because she "can't stand seeing me doing nothing and always hanging on my phone".
I have a fucking #depression with a giant case of #avolition for 4 years now, she could be getting used to that by now!
I'm so sick of her telling me, that time is something valuable. Good for her, if that's the case for her. For me it's just something to kill over and over again.

There is not a single fucking thing that gives me any kind of pleasure and she just doesn't get it.
How can one person be so oblivious to another person's struggles?

"You just have to think positive and start doing things"
"Snap out of it" would be a better suggestion than that!

I'm so sick of it all. All the people with their good suggestions who just have no clue.
All the hoops I have to jump through for the government, basically just so they can justify giving me no money. All the work and responsibility that comes with being depressed and jobless.

"All that negativity will just attract negative people" - I wish that was the fucking case! ANY kind of people in my life would be just great, but if I had the choice then I'd rather not take any of those positive thinkers that have not had a single bad feeling their whole life and couldn't show empathy to a baby.

"Is that all just because of the divorce and your step dad?" I fucking wish I could just through that into her face: "Yes, you fucked everything up! You divorced my dad, never told me why he disappeared from my life and then left me with that abusive asshole and no protection or love. How did you think I would turn out?"
But what good would it do? 🤷‍♀️

"You have to see that this is hard for me too!"
Oh now I have to feel bad for causing you distress too? Great, how about you blame me for all the troubles you have too?! Your kidney-stone is probably just from the stress of having a good-for-nothing child.

"You just have to tell yourself that things will start bringing joy again."
I can't even. 😑

What am I to do with such a mother? Do I give her a book about understanding depression? Do I avoid her and always act like I'm doing okay and being busy doing something meaningful when she's around? Do I let her try her hocus-pocus-sending-positive-vibes-to-the-universe on me?
I'm really clueless.

#NotJustSad

@PaulaToThePeople

Oh, my god. I haven't heard the word #avolition before. It is so perfect. Thank you for introducing it to me!