Forgiving Myself for Forgetting Me
I have spent so much of my life being kind to others that somewhere along the way, I forgot I needed kindness, too.
I am learning to forgive myself.
For being too understanding. For giving people the benefit of the doubt, even when I was the one left disappointed. For putting other people’s feelings before my own, and for convincing myself that it was okay because I was strong enough to handle it.
For being kind, even when that kindness was not returned.
I have always believed that being kind costs nothing. A little understanding, a little patience, a little compassion. These are things I have tried to practice throughout my life.
But I have also learned that sometimes, kindness comes at a cost, especially when we forget to extend it to ourselves.
I have been the person who says, “It’s okay,” even when it isn’t.
The person who understands why someone behaves a certain way, even when that behavior hurts.
The person who finds reasons to forgive, excuses to understand, and strength to carry on.
Perhaps it comes from being the eldest child, from becoming a mother who had to be both parents, or from years of being the person others could depend on.
I became so accustomed to being strong that I sometimes forgot I was allowed to be tired.
I became so used to giving that I forgot I was allowed to receive.
And I became so understanding of other people’s shortcomings that I sometimes failed to acknowledge my own needs.
Looking back, I realize that I wasn’t wrong for being kind.
But I was unfair to myself when I believed that kindness meant always putting myself last.
I have forgiven myself for the times I stayed silent when I should have spoken up. For the times I accepted less than I deserved. For the times I felt guilty for choosing myself.
I have forgiven myself for not knowing then what I understand now.
But I have not forgotten the lessons.
Being kind does not mean allowing others to take advantage of my kindness.
Being understanding does not mean I must tolerate everything.
And loving others does not mean I should forget to love myself.
At this stage of my life, I don’t want to become less kind. The world already has enough indifference, and I refuse to let painful experiences turn me into someone I am not.
I still want to be the person who understands, who helps when she can, and who believes that there is goodness in people.
But I also want to be that person for myself.
To rest without feeling guilty. To say no without having to explain myself endlessly. To walk away from situations that disturb my peace. And to remember that my feelings matter just as much as anyone else’s.
Perhaps the greatest lesson I have learned is that I don’t have to stop being kind to protect myself.
I simply have to remember that I am also someone worthy of my own kindness.
So, what have I forgiven but not forgotten?
I have forgiven myself for all the years I forgot to choose me.
But I will never forget what those years taught me.
I can have a kind heart without forgetting that it belongs to me, too.
And this time, I intend to take better care of it.
jhiebeyondborders💖
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