Fragments From A Writer’s Diary – September 2026
4.9.2026
The kettle boils and it seems to take a moment for me to remember where I am and what I’m doing. The pale sun pouring in. The scene still poised and waiting.
I gaze at the cups on the rack. Thinking that somehow it matters which one I choose. Because there is such a thing as turnaround. A cycle unfixed and unspoken, but somehow loosely kept to. The act itself becoming a kind of ritual. The moment forever striving towards some deeper meaning. Some greater sense of self.
There are times when I imagine this exact same scene taking place in an unknown city. These low-level trees, these red brick houses, the chimneys, replaced by the glass and steel of a late-capitalist metropolis. Electronic billboards. Neon sheen.
More recently I find I am living in some Mediterranean climate. Those ornate, or flat surface, buildings cast in warm tones. That sun-bleached marble and stone. And I rise early, while the weather is still relatively cool. The rooms still informed by shade.
I’m a writer living in some self-imposed exile. It’s years since I did anything of interest. It’s years since I did anything of note. The short story collection that won a prestigious award. A novel that was well received.
There’s a woman in my bed and maybe she’s still half-asleep, that untouched morning yet to become a reality. We’ve been seeing each other for a while now, but neither of us can decide if it’s serious. Because she still prioritises her freedom. And I still prioritise my solitude. And I wonder where exactly these scenes come from. And I wonder where exactly they are going.
6.9.2026
I take a walk along the beach. The mood overcast and set to weary. The clouds grey and heavy. The sea something close to static. The waves. The tide. I’m trying to take it all in. The scale of things. The colours. The scenery.
At certain points along the coast, the shoreline, those stretches of higher ground, there are homes about to fall, about to collapse, on to the beach. Just one more torrential downpour. One more landslide. And everything will be gone, everything will be lost, swept out to sea.
9.9.2026
What does it mean to keep rereading the works of a particular author? Coming back to those same novels, those same themes, again and again. Is it just another way of seeking some sort of literary comfort, some sort of literary distraction? The language, the stories, providing this sense of familiarity, this sense of return. If not to the past exactly, then perhaps to some kind of half-remembered space, or familiar non-place. Those same scenes. Those same characters.
It is David Bell in Don DeLillo’s Americana. It is Bucky Wunderlick in Great Jones Street. One man seeking truth, some deeper sense of reality. The other man seeking his own, what, self-curated oblivion. That life lived far away from the ‘tropics of fame’.
What is it that I find so alluring about the artist between works, the artist in retreat? What is it that I find so appealing about giving up on everything for the sake of an idea? These drifts, or these descents, into the depths of your own solitude, your own psyche. Is that what I’ve been looking for in David Bell and Bucky Wunderlick? That idealised version, or idealised vision, of a life I want to be living?
Sometimes I wonder if this is the real reason that I want success. If this is the real reason that I want some kind of recognition. So that I can disappear, I can descend, with something close to credibility. So that I am not forgotten, even as I continue to fade out of view.
10.9.2026
I meet Irina in the city. I forget what it’s like to be here. That slow tension between things. The steady pace, or steady onset, of people and places. The bars and restaurants. All those shop windows with their elaborate mannequins and their advertising. The constant murmurs of voices and music and whatever else is seeping into the atmosphere. The smartphone tones and snippets of videos being watched, being shared. The beeping of traffic lights. The dulled hum of engines. The cars. The buses.
Irina says, she is going to miss these evenings. The warm weather reminding her of holidays, of travel. Her summer wardrobe. The dresses. The sandals. She says, that she feels more like herself in this weather, in this climate. She feels closer to who she really is, or who she could be. And I think about this. I think about what it means. That on a different day, or in different weather, she could be someone else entirely.
12.9.2026
Rereading Great Jones Street I find myself making notes around a particular scene. Because it reminds me, it alludes to, a scene that DeLillo would only fully realise, or fully explore, in White Noise, some ten years after this.
‘I thought of calling Bellevue next but decided finally in favour of St. Vincent’s, gentle, humane and dedicated, St. Vincent’s, merciful and compassionate. I insisted on speaking to a nun. I wanted someone who believed in St. Vincent himself, in his ideals, his sacrifices, whatever these may have been. They wanted address, phone number, sex of deceased. I insisted on a nun. I wanted a nun, a short round woman, perhaps of German descent, someone who believed in the sacredness of dying and the veneration of the dead. No nun, no deal. This is what I told them.’
In White Noise, we see these nuns, these nuns of German descent, speaking German, tending wounds. Nuns in black habits, in black veils. We explore, or we confront, the nature, the idea, of faith, of believers and non-believers, of what happens to us when we die.
And this in turn reminds me of Sister Edgar, and Sister Grace, in The Angel Esmeralda. And I can’t decide if perhaps there is something to this. If there is something worth exploring. And I tell myself it doesn’t matter. I tell myself I don’t care. And I carry on reading.
13.9.2026
Two ideas for future pieces are alternately turning themselves over in my mind.
The first is for a piece that may or may not be called Japanese Dream House. Taken from, or inspired by, an exhibition I saw years ago.
It would predominately be about Japanese ambient, or Japanese environmental, music. The works of Hiroshi Yoshimura and Satoshi Ashikawa. Of Haruomi Hosano and Yoshio Ojima. Of Ryuichi Sakamoto and Fumio Miyashita. But it would be more than that really. It would be about art and culture. It would be about architecture. It would be about a desire to create and cultivate, a certain kind of life, or a certain kind of aesthetic. It’s review. It’s biography. It’s memoir.
The second idea would be for a short story, or a novella. About this couple that start cheating on each other, with each other, or with characters, or personas, that they create together. And not just as some fetish driven role play. Because it would become something far more intense, far more ambiguous. To the point where they almost start to become these other people.
And I can see them in this dark, neon soaked, room. And maybe he looks like me. And maybe she looks like Irina. And as he walks into the room, she tells him to sit down in the chair. And he can’t see her yet. Because she hasn’t stepped into that stretch of neon light. Electric pink. She has not revealed herself, or her other self, what she is wearing, how she has done her hair. But when she does, she ties his wrists to the arms of the chair. Is it with satin? Is it with silk?
He whispers her name, not her real name, her other name. And she sits astride him and she kisses him. Her hands gripping and pulling his hair.
At some point she disappears back into the shadows, and onto the bed. Her body somewhat obscured. Offering only a neon-soaked distortion of what is and isn’t happening.
14.9.2026
I like to watch these old Yale, or is it old Columbia, philosophy lectures, that someone has uploaded to YouTube. Kierkegaard and the Leap Of Faith. Hegel’s Philosophy Of History.
I’m not always sure exactly how much of them I understand. I’m not always sure how much of them I could use, or quote, or apply, to some half-imagined conversation. But then maybe it’s not really about that. Maybe it’s more about the way the man talks. It’s more about those subtle hand gestures, those wry smiles. It’s that stop start pacing. Those split-second pauses. That occasional lost train of thought. It’s that energy and enthusiasm. It’s the names of texts, and the use of certain, almost mythic words. It’s the different ways of seeing, those different ways of interpreting, and experiencing, the world. It all becomes something almost soothing, something almost hypnotic. Briefly elevating those far more mundane rhythms of living. It’s cooking. It’s cleaning.
As this particular lecture continues to unfold, I reach for my notebook and write,
Professor something…? Midnight In Dostoyevsky.
Is it possible this is the most elusive, the most evocative, title in DeLillo’s body of work?
Midnight In Dostoyevsky.
15.9.2026
Walking through the town, the high-street, round the houses, can sometimes feel like the end of things. All hopes. All ambitions. These pavements, cracked and uneven and intermittently smeared with dog shit. The drab exteriors of pubs and shop fronts, paint chipped and flaking. The one public bench by the flower beds randomly placed, rarely in bloom.
Even now I am looking for a deeper meaning. So this is not just a man walking. The music he is listening to. Stars Of The Lid, The Ballasted Orchestra, Avec Laudenum.
I try to imagine the life still waiting. I try to imagine those places I’ve never been. My life as something more than it is.
15.9.2026
There is this scene in Underworld, where Marian Shay, stands naked in front of a long mirror. She registers the briefest touch of the glass against her hip. She contemplates her body, how it looks. The exercise, the diets, she has to endure in order to maintain it. Eventually she presses her nipples gently against the glass,
‘…and when she backed away she saw they’d left a moistness, a pair of pressed kisses like winter breath.’
Rereading Falling Man, DeLillo’s exploration of those more personal, those more intimate, and perhaps transitory, responses to the aftermath of 9/11, I realise he has somewhat echoed, somewhat reworked, or reimagined the above, aforementioned, scene.
However, in this instance, in this moment, the act itself seems less about contemplation, less about the passing of time, and instead becomes something more instinctual, something more desperate, or more cathartic. As if DeLillo was trying to explore the exact same scene, or the exact same image, from a different place, or a different angle. That need for connection, that need to find, or maybe get back to, a sense of self. Now moving towards something far more physical, far more intense, or even clinical.
‘…and she got up to dress for her morning run but then pressed herself naked to the full-length mirror, face turned, hands raised roughly to head level. She pressed her body to the glass, eyes shut, and stayed for a long moment, nearly collapsed against the cool surface, abandoning herself to it.’
In some ways the two scenes almost become reversals of each other, or at least they do in theory. So where the scene plays out in Underworld, in this quiet, solitary moment before sex. In Falling Man, the scene plays out in the early light of the morning after. And where Marian is sleeping with her husband’s friend in Underworld. In Falling Man, Lianne slept with her previously estranged husband, the husband who had showed up at her door in the wake, the ash and soot and blood of 9/11.
For Marian, the act itself will leave only this subtle, almost erotic, trace. Whereas for Lianne the act will leave something more substantial, something that doesn’t go unnoticed. Meaning one scene remains as something completely private. While the other becomes something left out in the open, something between Lianne and her husband.
‘…she put on her shorts and top and was lacing her shoes when he came out of the bathroom, clean shaven, and saw the fogged marks of her face, hands, breasts and thighs stamped on the mirror.’
16.9.2026
Irina calls when I am in the supermarket. And for a second, I think about ignoring it. Not because I don’t want to speak to her, but because I don’t want to talk in the supermarket. I don’t want to talk while I’m moving between the aisles. While I stand there contemplating the fruits and the vegetables. Trying to decide what it is exactly I want for lunch, or what I want for dinner.
And I answer the phone and say, hey. And she says, hey, what you up to? And I tell her that I’m in the supermarket. And she says, no worries, I won’t keep you. But then she carries on talking anyway. Because she’s having one of those days. It’s all back-to-back meetings and this stream of messages from her sister. What the doctor said and what happens next.
And I want to be there for her, but I am in the supermarket. I am weaving round trolleys and those hip leaning baskets. I’m passing those lost, those bemused, faces. And I say something inane. I say something about how many different types of toothpaste there are. And she says, I know what you mean. And I start reading them out. And at some point, she says, I better let you go. And I say, no, no, it’s fine. And she says, no really, she’s got more meetings. And she still needs to call her sister and make herself a coffee. And I can’t help feeling like I have let her down. I can’t help feeling like I’ve failed her.
17.9.2026
I watch another one of those old lectures. This time on Barthes. And I realise, as he is talking, the professor that is, that I am waiting, that I am focusing, on precisely how he says, and how he pronounces, Barthes. Because it doesn’t matter how many times I have read or heard these names. Barthes. Sarte. De Beauvoir. Camus. I am never completely confident in saying them. I’m never completely confident in using them as a point of reference.
Because it’s not just the pronunciation. It’s actually using these names and their connotations. Derrida. Deleuze. Baudrillard.
When the professor says Barthes, I repeat it back, to him, to myself.
Barthes.
Barthes.
I’m still not sure if it sounds right.
Barthes.
Barthes.
18.9.2026
Through the haze of the morning, blue sky overpowering, this half-imagined, this half-stolen, image, or maybe scene, keeps coming to me. It’s Irina standing naked in front of a full-length mirror. Contemplating herself from different angles, in different poses. Her arms raised above her head. Hands pushing upwards. Hands entwined.
For a second, she almost becomes Marian Shay, gently pressing her nipples against the glass. But then the room appears to be bathed in that pink neon light. And I can see myself, or I can see some other self, watching from a chair, as she leans over and towards the mirror, with her body slightly bent, her body slightly curved, or arched. And I whisper her name, or I whisper that other name, as she softly kisses the glass. The imprint, those traces, left from her lipstick, a kind of deep cherry red.
22. 9. 2026
I continue to make notes on, and look for comparisons in, the works of Don DeLillo. I take scenes, I take fragments, I take those snippets of conversation. Those recurring themes and undercurrents beyond the plots and the subplots that have already been recognised. It’s this sense, or notion, of husbands and wives. It’s fathers and sons, and men at 40, or something about men at 40.
‘Forty was my father’s age,’ James Axton says in The Names. ‘All fathers were forty. I keep fighting the idea I’m fast approaching his age. As an adult I’ve only been two ages. Twenty-two and forty. I was twenty-two well into my thirties. Now I’ve begun to be forty, two years shy of the actual fact. In ten years I’ll still be forty.’
And this will be repeated and returned to, further embellished, in Falling Man.
‘In one hundred days or so, he would be forty years old. This was his father’s age. His father was forty, his uncles. They would always be forty, looking aslant at him. How is it possible that he was about to become someone of clear and distinct definition, husband and father, finally occupying a room in three dimensions in the manner of his parents.’
Well before this it was women counting down in odd numbers, in blocks of seven, in Falling Man and The Silence. It was Delillo’s obsession, those continued allusions to the image, and the details, of the skin directly around the finger nails, the thumbs. Mentioned in Cosmopolis and Point Omega, and having somewhat vaguely first appeared in Americana. It was people setting themselves on fire, in Players, in Cosmopolis, and again in Zero K. It was that scene in The Silence, where a character explores and recites the life and theories of Albert Einstein. And how this mirrors the scene in White Noise, where Jack Gladney and Murray Jay Siskind, are simultaneously exploring the lives of Adolf Hitler and Elvis Presley.
And I think about this for a moment. I think about all these examples and comparisons. And I wonder what it all means and where exactly this is going. And deep down I imagine someone else will tell me. I imagine someone else will write, or has written this already. And I wonder who they are. I wonder who they could be.
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