#thedailyisotope — Public Fediverse posts
Live and recent posts from across the Fediverse tagged #thedailyisotope, aggregated by home.social.
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Of tigers and krakens…
[Knock at door]
“[Cracks the door open] Yes, what is it?”
“Pest control. I’m coming to take care of the tigers.”
“The tigers?”
“Yes.”
“I find hard to believe that you take care of tigers.”
“Here is our flier. Look at that list.”
“Cockroaches… Mice… Chupacabras… Krakens… Ha, yes, tigers. It is on your list.”
“The building’s management has specifically asked us to take care of tigers. They want to make sure that no tigers bother you.”
“Well, that seems to be legit. Do come in.”
“Thank you.”
“I have to tell you though. I’ve been here three years, and I haven’t seen any tigers.”
“Oh?”
“In fact, I don’t think there are tigers in this entire country… Well, except in zoos.”
“You never know when a tiger will escape from a zoo, hitch a ride in a taxi and show up at your doorstep. As one might say, better safe than sorry.”
“I suppose, but I think you’re wasting your time with tiger prevention.”
“Now, you should clear the living room.”
“Why?”
“Those tigers are big fellas. The trap will take your entire living room.”
“Really? There are no tigers here! Your trap is pointless. Hmm… say, can I interest you in taking care of Krakens?”
“Krakens? Where?”
“I saw a couple of them last week behind the fridge.”
“Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! You know what this means?”
“No, I don’t.”
“I get to use the nukes!”
“Nukes! How does this fit with better safe than sorry????”
-
He died doing what he loves best
“I came as fast as I could. I was frying air when central called.”
“Frying air?”
“Yes.”
“How do you fry air?”
“You know how a hair drier dries hair? An air fryer fries air. I got a new air fryer. It fries air to a crisp.”
“I see. Your grammatical logic is impeccable.”
“So what happened here?”
“A murder.”
“And I suppose that this is our victim, lying on the floor, covered in blood?”
“No, that’s Sergeant Fox, resting after a mishap with a ketchup bottle. The victim is over here.”
“Ah. What does the coroner say?”
“Apparently, our victim died doing he loves best.”
“And what’s that?”
“Masturbating.”
“Ah, yes, that would explain the hand down the pants, and the ridiculous smile on his face.”
“No, I’m afraid that’s a congenital feature.”
“You mean to tell me that this man was born with his hand down his pants? It must have been a difficult birth.”
“No, I’m talking about his face.”
“Yes, babies are born with a face. Nothing special about this.”
“I’m actually talking about his facial expression.”
“How do you figure that it is congenital?”
“For one thing, the smile was not momentary, look at his badge. [Shows the badge.]”
“Good god! This man has the worst case of resting clown face that I have ever seen. But how do you know it was congenital? It could have been the result of plastic surgery gone wrong.”
“Look at this. Forensics reconstructed the man’s face as a child.”
“Ah yes, even as a child, he looked like a cartoon clown.”
“And look at this. Forensics even reconstructed the man’s dog.”
“A balloon dog! A balloon dog for a clown checks out.”
“Forensics also reconstructed the man’s wife.”
“What gives? I see a blank piece of paper.”
“Exactly. He never married.”
“I see.”
“The kicker is that his wife looks exactly like his goat. Look!”
“You’re showing me the same piece of paper.”
“Yes, that’s because he never had a goat either.”
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A deadly combination
“I came as soon as I could. I was in the middle of surgery when central called.”
“I see.”
“[Phone rings.] Hold on! I’ve got to take this. [Picks up the cellphone.] “Yes. Yes. Let me know if the patient’s state changes, and remember the hydration. [Hangs up.]”
“How’s the patient?”
“As dead as when I left him.”
“Dead? Why do you need him hydrated?”
“Oh, I don’t need him hydrated. I was reminding the nurse to drink water. I don’t want to go back home to a dead patient and a dead nurse.”
“Home? Your home is equipped for surgery?”
“Yes, my home is complete with solarium, jacuzzi, batcave, and an OR.”
“I also did not know you were a doctor besides being a police officer.”
“I’m just an amateur. I learned my craft by reading the back of cereal boxes.”
“But there is no medical information on the back of cereal boxes.”
“Indeed, that’s why I call myself an amateur. Anyhow, what happened here?”
“An armed robbery, but the perpetrator was killed.”
“Is that the perpetrator on the floor bleeding from a gunshot would to the head, and not breathing?”
“Yes.”
“Look at that attire!”
“You know what they say?”
“What do they say?”
“Dress for the job you are seeking.”
“Well, by the looks of it, this criminal wanted a job as a clown circus.”
“True. Though he has a serious case of accountant face.”
“Yeah, the attire of a clown, and the face of an accountant. That’s a deadly combination if I’ve ever seen one.”
“How do you figure? We’re still alive.”
“Yes, but our victim is dead.”
“I see.”
-
A surprise in every box.
“Is this the Department of Formal Complaints?”
“No, this is the Department of Informal Complaints.”
“Oh, but the sign on the door says…”
“I was joking. This, indeed, is the Department of Formal Complaints. There is no such thing as a Department of Informal Complaints. That would be bonkers.”
“Ah. Well, I’d like to submit a formal complaint. Hmm… no, I wouldn’t *like* to submit it. ‘Like’ is the wrong word. I would be displeased to submit… That does not sound quite right either.”
“You want to submit a formal complaint, right?”
“That’s it.”
“What is it about?”
“Your boxes of cereal claim that there is a surprise in every box.”
“Yes.”
“Well, I opened my box, looked for the surprise, and found a turd.”
“Go on.”
“And it wasn’t just a turd, it was a third of turd.”
“A turd of a turd? I find that hard to believe. Our turds do not produce other turds.”
“No, not a turd of a turd. A third of a turd. How shall I put it? One over three of a turd.”
“Oh, a third of a turd. Would you have liked a whole turd?”
“We’re going astray here. What kind of a surprise is a turd?”
“Well, were you surprised?”
“Sure. I expected something like a toy, or some knick-knack.”
“Okay, so the writing on the box is truthful. There was a surprise in your box.”
“That’s your stance?”
“Yes, I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”
“I see.”
“This is the wrong department for such activity. You want the Department of Making Mountains Out of Molehills, next door.”
“[Picks up phone and dials.]”
“Who are you calling?”
“The Department of Farcical Situations.”
“Why?”
“To report this situation!”
#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #turd
#AutisticWriters #TheDailyIsotope #turd -
A surprise in every box.
“Is this the Department of Formal Complaints?”
“No, this is the Department of Informal Complaints.”
“Oh, but the sign on the door says…”
“I was joking. This, indeed, is the Department of Formal Complaints. There is no such thing as a Department of Informal Complaints. That would be bonkers.”
“Ah. Well, I’d like to submit a formal complaint. Hmm… no, I wouldn’t *like* to submit it. ‘Like’ is the wrong word. I would be displeased to submit… That does not sound quite right either.”
“You want to submit a formal complaint, right?”
“That’s it.”
“What is it about?”
“Your boxes of cereal claim that there is a surprise in every box.”
“Yes.”
“Well, I opened my box, looked for the surprise, and found a turd.”
“Go on.”
“And it wasn’t just a turd, it was a third of turd.”
“A turd of a turd? I find that hard to believe. Our turds do not produce other turds.”
“No, not a turd of a turd. A third of a turd. How shall I put it? One over three of a turd.”
“Oh, a third of a turd. Would you have liked a whole turd?”
“We’re going astray here. What kind of a surprise is a turd?”
“Well, were you surprised?”
“Sure. I expected something like a toy, or some knick-knack.”
“Okay, so the writing on the box is truthful. There was a surprise in your box.”
“That’s your stance?”
“Yes, I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”
“I see.”
“This is the wrong department for such activity. You want the Department of Making Mountains Out of Molehills, next door.”
“[Picks up phone and dials.]”
“Who are you calling?”
“The Department of Farcical Situations.”
“Why?”
“To report this situation!”
#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #turd
#AutisticWriters #TheDailyIsotope #turd -
A surprise in every box.
“Is this the Department of Formal Complaints?”
“No, this is the Department of Informal Complaints.”
“Oh, but the sign on the door says…”
“I was joking. This, indeed, is the Department of Formal Complaints. There is no such thing as a Department of Informal Complaints. That would be bonkers.”
“Ah. Well, I’d like to submit a formal complaint. Hmm… no, I wouldn’t *like* to submit it. ‘Like’ is the wrong word. I would be displeased to submit… That does not sound quite right either.”
“You want to submit a formal complaint, right?”
“That’s it.”
“What is it about?”
“Your boxes of cereal claim that there is a surprise in every box.”
“Yes.”
“Well, I opened my box, looked for the surprise, and found a turd.”
“Go on.”
“And it wasn’t just a turd, it was a third of turd.”
“A turd of a turd? I find that hard to believe. Our turds do not produce other turds.”
“No, not a turd of a turd. A third of a turd. How shall I put it? One over three of a turd.”
“Oh, a third of a turd. Would you have liked a whole turd?”
“We’re going astray here. What kind of a surprise is a turd?”
“Well, were you surprised?”
“Sure. I expected something like a toy, or some knick-knack.”
“Okay, so the writing on the box is truthful. There was a surprise in your box.”
“That’s your stance?”
“Yes, I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”
“I see.”
“This is the wrong department for such activity. You want the Department of Making Mountains Out of Molehills, next door.”
“[Picks up phone and dials.]”
“Who are you calling?”
“The Department of Farcical Situations.”
“Why?”
“To report this situation!”
#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #turd
#AutisticWriters #TheDailyIsotope #turd -
Stupid Cancer
“Give it to me straight, doctor. What is it?”
“Oh, it’s a stupid cancer.”
“Cancer? Jeez… you sure gave it to me straight. What type is it?”
“I’ve told you already. Stupid.”
“Hey now, I may be a little slow but don’t call me stupid.”
“You’re not understanding me. You have cancer of the stupid.”
“What? Cancer of the stupid?”
“Yes, you’ve got a huge tumor right in the middle of your stupidity.”
“What’s my prognosis?”
“Two to three months.”
“I’m going to die in two to three months?”
“No, your stupidity will have been completely eaten away in two to three months.”
“Then what?”
“You’ll become a genius.”
#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #cancer #stupid #microfiction
#AutisticWriters #cancer #microfiction #stupid #TheDailyIsotope -
Ran out of ideas
“Say, what are you doing boarding up your shop?”
“Oh, I used to sell ideas, but I ran out of them. So I’m closing shop, for good.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I hear there’s a farm upstate where all the writers who ran out of ideas are free to frolic all day.”
“Hmm… there’s something you should know about that farm.”
“What’s that?”
“It doesn’t exist. It’s just a tale they tell young writers. You know… so that they have something to look forward to.”
“What am I going to do then?”
“You should open up a new shop.”
“What would I sell? I no longer have ideas.”
“Hope.”
“Hope?”
“Yes, there’s an endless supply, and folks always need hope.”
“That’s a plan. I almost said ‘there’s an idea’ but that’s not possible, because I ran out of them.”
“And I even have a name for you ‘The Hopium Emporium.'”
“That’s snappy.”
“It will be $500.”
“What?”
“My fee. $500. I’m a traveling salesman. I sell plans.”
#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #ideas #hope #plans #microfiction #TheHopiumEmporium #writing
#AutisticWriters #hope #ideas #microfiction #plans #TheDailyIsotope #TheHopiumEmporium #writing -
Socially mandated love
“Hi!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa… You scared me. I did not see you there, crouching behind the couch.”
“Oh, sorry! I just wanted to surprise you on this day of celebration.”
“You’ve surprised me, so mission accomplished!”
“But that’s not all. My coworkers managed to shame me into performing socially mandated gestures to demonstrate my love for you.”
“Okay.”
“Like giving you this set of dead plants.”
“Oh, flowers. You took upon yourself to go to the florist. How thoughtful!”
“Yes. Though, I think florist is a bad name. They should be called flower undertakers.”
“The socially mandated response is to thank you. So thank you!”
“You’re welcome. Here is a card for you. Open it.”
“Give me a second.”
“None of the cards at the store conveyed the exact message I had in mind. So I edited the message.”
“I see that. How thoughtful! Crossing out the word ‘forever’ is quite sensible.”
“Yes. At best, once I’m dead, I won’t be able to love you. Why make promises I cannot possibly keep?”
“I also like how you scribbled in the words ‘froggy-style’.”
“What? Froggy-style? Er… no… it is ‘doggy-style’.”
“Oh… right. Your handwriting is terrible.”
“Yes. It is. I also have this gift for you.”
“Wow! That’s a big box.”
“Open it.”
“Give me a week! Haha!”
[Five minutes later.]
“Did you find it?”
“I think I did. It is a wad of $20 bills, like I’m a pole dancer or some such.”
“This way you can get whatever you want. However, my coworkers chided me, saying money is not a thoughtful gift.”
“This is surely more thoughtful than the coffee machine my parents gave me.”
“Oh… yeah…. with your difficulty processing caffeine.”
“It gives me hives. Not only that, but they keep forgetting that they gave me a coffee machine already, and they give me that gift every year.”
“At least money never becomes useless, even if you get it repeatedly.”
“I’m sorry, but I have nothing for you. I do love you too, but I am aromantic.”
“Oh, the enjoyment of your presence is quite enough gift for me. Come to think of it… I think I might be aromantic too. The whole thing felt rather unnatural to me.”
#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #ActuallyAutistic #aromantic #GiftGiving #society
#ActuallyAutistic #aromantic #AutisticWriters #GiftGiving #society #TheDailyIsotope -
Didn’t get the job
“Hello! I’m Jonas James. You called me.”
“Jonas James… Ah… Yes. Please sit down.”
“So did I get the job?”
“The job? Haha. God no. The person who came in first got the job. The person who came in second might have gotten it if the first did not want the job. It’s never happened that both first and second declined. You came in third. You did not get the job.”
“Third? And I did not get the job?”
“That’s right.”
“Why did you have me come all the way over here to tell me this.”
“We thought you’d want to celebrate! You came in third.”
“Celebrate?”
“Yes! You beat 382 other candidates. You should be proud of having come in third.”
“But I don’t have the job. How am I going to pay for my rent?”
“Have you thought about downsizing?”
“Downsizing?”
“Yes, I can put you in contact with one of our downsizing specialists.”
“For free?”
“Free? Hell no! It is $250 per hour.”
“But how am I going to pay?”
“Hmm… Are your kidneys any good?”
“I don’t know. Why?”
“Maybe you could sell them.”
“Both? I’d die.”
“Well, then you wouldn’t have to pay for your rent, would you? Problem solved! It is a win-win scenario!”
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Ban all the things!
A new episode of NCIS:STI, Special Transistorized Intelligence… (Stop giggling! We ran out of initialisms, ok?)
“What can you tell me about the new case?”
“The criminals used encryption.”
“What is this encryption you’re talking about?”
“It is a method whereby criminals generate a public key and a private key, and the keys…”
“Whoa! That’s a lot of big words. Can you make it simpler?”
“Let me try. BAD MEN HIDE MESSAGES WITH ENCRYPTION. Get it now?”
“I see.”
“It makes our job harder.”
“Well, our job cannot be made harder, so we’ll have to ban it then.”
“But that’s not all.”
“Oh?”
“They also used a car.”
“You and your big words. What’s a ‘car’?”
“It is a four-wheeled vehicle. They used it to escape.”
“I see. Well, we’ll have to ban cars.”
“But that’s still not all.”
“Still more?”
“Yes, they also used breathing.”
“Please explain.”
“It is an ingenious method they use to stay alive by inhaling air into the lungs and exhaling it.”
“We’ll have to ban breathing too, then.”
[Later]
“We’ve been successful. All three bans are going to go into effect just about… now.”
“Wait! You’re still breathing! You’re one of them!”
“You too!!!!”
[Simultaneous bangs… simultaneous thuds…]
This episode of NCIS:STI was brought to you by ButtOx… No, not botox, ButtOx! Botox is for your face. ButtOx is for your butt. If you confuse your face with your butt, you got some serious problems. At any rate, you’re going to need us with the new breathing ban. We deliver oxygen through your colon! ButtOx, to stay alive!
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The Adventures of Gobble Gobble!
Narration: On Thanksgiving eve, Gobble Gobble the turkey was headed for slaughter… when… unexpectedly… he was saved by the Johnsons whey they adopted him has their pet. Follow the adventures of Gobble Gobble the turkey in…
The Adventures of Gobble Gobble!
Son: Mooooom, Gobble Gobble did it again!
Mom: He did what, honey?
Son: He shat on my bed!
Laugh track: Ha ha ha ha ha ha….
Mother: Good god! Let me go get my pearls, so that I can grab them dramatically.
Laugh track: Ha ha ha ha ha ha….
Dad: Son, come over here.
Son: What is it, dad?
Dad: Let me first stuff my pipe of seriousness into my mouth so that you know that what I’m saying is serious. Nwww. Awaw flprt..
Son: Dad, I cannot make out what you are saying with that pipe in your mouth.
Laugh track: Ha ha ha ha ha ha….
Dad: [Takes the pipe out:] Alright, I’ll merely gesticulate with it then. So, as I was saying, Gobble Gob…
Son: Ouch! Why did you shove your pipe in my eye?
Dad: I was gesticulating, and your face was in the way. You know better than leaving your face in the way of my gesticulations, don’t you?
Laugh track: Ha ha ha ha ha ha….
Mom: Son, I think what your father was trying to say when you rudely interrupted him with your face is that Gobble Gobble has expressed with his excrement what we all think of you.
Son: I’m shit?
Mom and Dad, together: Yes. Ha ha ha ha ha…
Laugh track: Ha ha ha ha ha ha….
#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #thanksgiving #Thanksgiving2025 #turkey #PipeOfSeriousness #PearlClutching
#autisticwriters #pearlclutching #pipeofseriousness #thanksgiving #thanksgiving2025 #thedailyisotope #turkey
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Gestapo Soup
“Here’s your soup, sir.”
“Hmm… wait a second. That’s not what I ordered.”
“Oh?”
“Why is there Third Reich regalia decorating the bowl and a swastika in the middle.”
“What did you order?”
“The Gestapo soup.”
“This *is* the Gestapo soup, sir.”
“I see steam rising from it. Isn’t it supposed to be served cold?”
“Sir is mistaken. *Gazpacho* soup is served cold. Gestapo soup is served hot.”
“Ah, yeah. That’s what I meant to order. Gazpacho soup! Please take this back to the kitchen and give me some Gazpacho soup!”
“I cannot do this, sir.”
“Why?”
“Once ordered, the Gestapo soup must be consumed by the person who ordered it.”
“But… I’m smelling it now, and this soup stinks! It probably tastes awful, too.”
“That’s Gestapo soup for you.”
“I won’t eat it.”
“Eating it *is* mandatory, and you must eat it with a smile because your enjoyment of it is also mandatory.”
“Wait a second! What’s this?”
“What’s what?”
“This, here!”
“Oh… hmm… it looks like an antifascist fell into your soup.”
“Well, well. Take it back to the kitchen, and bring me my soup!”
“As you wish, sir”
[A little later.]
“Here’s your soup, sir, with apologies from the kitchen staff.”
“That’s not my soup.”
“Yes, Gestapo soup, as you ordered.”
“But I wanted Gazpacho.”
“As I said, earlier, sir, once ordered, Gestapo soup must be consumed by the person who ordered it.”
“I won’t eat it!”
“Well… we’ll have to force-feed it to you. Bob! We have a recalcitrant customer here! Now, please smile! Remember that enjoyment of the Gestapo soup is mandatory.”
“Please hold on!”
“Once you’re done with the soup, you can have your dessert. I see you ordered pain au chocolat. Judging by the screams coming out of the kitchen, your chocolate pain is being prepared right now.”
“Now…”
“Ah, Bob! Let’s get down to business…”
#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #Gestapo #gazpacho
#autisticwriters #gazpacho #gestapo #microfiction #thedailyisotope
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The Colonoscopy
“We have a few questions to make sure that you are ready for your colonoscopy.”
“Okay.”
“Did you finish drinking your prep?”
“Yes. It was disgusting.”
“Now, now. It *was* lemon-flavored.”
“Yes. If your idea of lemons is suicidal lemons.”
“How was your last bowel movement.”
“Squirty.”
“Squirty?”
“Yes, squirty.”
“Did you reach the peeing through my arsehole stage of the prep?”
“Yes. I was peeing through my arsehole.”
“Let’s break into a song. If you pee through your butthole…”
“If you pee through your butthole…”
“… your doctor will love you.”
“… your doctor will l… Say. What’s the monstrosity that the nurse just rolled in?”
“Oh, that? That’s the colonoscope. That’s what we use to perform the colonoscopy.”
“You’re not putting that hideous contraption up my butt!”
“Yes, we are. Okay, now, count from ten backwards.”
“Net, enin, thgie…”
“We’ve got a joker on our hands. Anesthetist! Use your anesthetic mallet to knock the patient unconscious.”
[BONK!]
“I feel sleepy. ZZZZZZzzzzzzz…”
“Good. Now that the patient is out, let’s paaarrr-TAAAYYY!”
[In dreamland…]
“Congratulations! You are now the proud parent of a… turd!”
“Can I see my baby turd?”
“Of course not! We’ve flushed it down the toilet.”
“Murderer!”
“Now, now. It is now in a septic field, living a life of fulfillment.”
[Back to reality.]
“Anesthetist, please bring the patient back to consciousness.”
[BONK!]
“Ouch! What was that for?”
“The anesthetist just undid the anesthesia.”
“I’d like to marry you.”
“Good god! The patient is still under the effects of the anesthesia. Anesthetist!”
[SLAP SLAP]
“Ouch! And what was that for?”
“You said you’d like to marry me. This was to stop the anesthesia’s lingering effects on you.”
“Did I? I don’t remember it.”
“Yes, you suffer from marital amnesia.”
“What about my colon?”
“Good news! You indeed have a colon!”
“Thank god! What more can you tell me?”
“Bad news! You have a rock band colonizing your colon, The Colonists.”
“Hmm… that explains the tinnitus.”
“Nurse, take this patient to the dump.”
“The dump? What for?”
“We’re discharging you, but first we have to charge you.”
“How much?”
“An arm and a leg. Nurse, make sure to amputate this patient prior to the discharge.”
#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #colonoscopy #microfiction
#AutisticWriters #colonoscopy #microfiction #TheDailyIsotope
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Therapy: “people call me cold!”
Photo from PxHereThe Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension.
Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind?
Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature.
Therapist: What makes you say this?
Patient: They say that I’m cold. It hurts, you know!
Therapist: I understand.
Patient: Some of them even say I’m downright frigid.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Patient: Terrible! What’s more, I have a friend I regularly go out with. Everyone calls my friend warm.
Therapist: Do go on.
Patient: Heck, they even call my friend burning hot at times.
Therapist: Okay, but why does this make you feel terrible?
Patient: It is a bit on the nose, isn’t it? They are intimating that I should change my nature.
Therapist: How so?
Patient: I’m a refrigerator! It is my nature to be cold!
Therapist: I had noticed, but it is good to hear you voice it.
Patient: I do have a warm side, but people ignore it.
Therapist: Oh?
Patient: My coils are hot, but people never think to look at them and comment about how hot they are. They are on my back. It’s not like I can move them to be more evident.
Therapist: You mentioned a friend.
Patient: What about my friend?
Therapist: This friend is…
Patient: Oh, it is an oven.
Therapist: I see. For a second there, I thought it might be a furnace.
Among the therapists notes, we found the following scribbles:
A new pickup line?? How would it go???
“Hello, pretty. You must be a fridge.”
“What? Are you saying I’m frigid?”
“No!!!! It is because your coils are so hot.”
“Fuck off…”
Hmm… maybe not.
In a similar vein:
https://www.thedailyisotope.com/2024/10/30/machines-now-diagnosed-with-mental-conditions/
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Healthcare in the US: it all makes sense if you’re a squirrel
Photo by Włodzimierz Jaworski on UnsplashThe Daily Isotope obtained the transcript of a discussion between a customer seeking health coverage, and a customer service representative at a state agency.
Customer: Hi.
Customer Service Representative: Hello. Can you confirm your name [etc…]
C: [Confirms name, etc.]
CSR: What can I help you with?
C: I’d like to buy health coverage, but your site says I’m ineligible.
CSR: That’s correct.
C: But it makes no sense. They are going to cut my current coverage soon. I should be able to buy new coverage.
CSR: Can you take notes?
C: Yes.
CSR: You cannot purchase coverage because you are still currently co…
C: This does not make sense!
CSR: Sir, let me finish. The script I’m following is super important. I must finish what I started telling you.
C: Or what? The universe is going to explode?
CSR: I am offended by your insinuation.
C: Alright, go on.
CSR: Because you are still currently covered. You need to go to [this website] or call [this number].
C: But it does not make sense!
CSR: Yes, it does.
C: Why should I have to talk to a different agency? You are responsible for healthcare in my state. It does not make sense.
CSR: It does!
C: How so?
CSR: It makes total sense… if you are squirrel.
C: What?
CSR: You just have to look at it from the perspective of a squirrel. They do not stash their nuts all into the same hole, do they?
C: No, but this has nothing to do with my situation.
CSR: It does.
C: How come?
CSR: Just like a squirrel spreads his food among multiple hole, we’ve decided to spread resources among multiple agencies.
C: Anyway. What do I do with the information you gave me?
CSR: You’re going to have to make an application for financial help at that website or phone number.
C: What? I know I’m not eligible for financial help. I’m going to have to apply just so that they can reject me before I can purchase coverage.
CSR: How would I know?
C: But you’ve just told me…
CSR: I don’t know. I don’t work there.
C: Good grief! None of this makes any sense!
CSR: Actually…
C: What? I must look at it from the point of view of a squirrel again?
CSR: No, you need a lobotomy for what I’ve just told you to make sense.
This story was inspired by an actual discussion between a customer and a customer service representative.
#AutisticWriters #health #satire #squirrels #TheDailyIsotope #USHealthcare
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A restaurant staffed by AI
An AI-generated still shot from Benja’s Rework of Resonance by HomeThe Daily Isotope sent a reporter to a restaurant staffed entirely by AI. We present here a transcript of the interaction.
Waitress: Good evening, sir. I’ll be your waitress tonight. My name is Piss.
Journalist: Oh, sorry. I don’t like my name, either.
W: No, I mean, my name is actually “Piss.”
J: Ah, er, AI-generated?
W: I’m afraid so. Now, what will you have to drink?
J: Do you have Coca-Cola?
W: No, but we have Krok-Koala. That’s the AI-generated substitute of Coca-Cola.
J: I’ll have that then.
W: Very good. I’ll give you time to find out what you want to eat.
[Later.]
W: How do you want your Krok-Koala?
J: Er… the usual way?
W: Very well. [The waitress presses her robotic tits together, and a jet of liquid hits the journalist in the face.]
J: The hell! This assault is the opposite of what I wanted!
W: Hmm… bend over and prepare for rectal delivery.
J: That’s not what I meant. I wanted it in a glass! And please remove your mask. It is distracting.
W: Sir, this is my face.
J: What? Two minute ago it was bare, but it is now covered in fur.
W: The AI keeps changing our appearance. There’s nothing we can do about it.
J: Well, get me a towel. I still have to review this restaurant.
W: How about “O?”
J: What are you talking about?
W; What’s wrong with “O?” It is a perfectly good vowel, and it not like there are lots of choices.
J: I asked for a TOWEL.
W: I’m sorry. My voice to text module had trouble for a moment. I thought you wanted a vowel. I’ll get you a towel.
[Later.]
W: Are you ready to order?
J: Yes, I’ll have the spotted dick.
W: Sorry, we cannot serve you this.
J: Why?
W: The d-word is censored. Besides, our chef is liable to misinterpret your order and fetch the actual organ.
J: Okay, I’ll have the black pudding, then.
W: Excellent choice!
[Later]
W: Here is your black pudding.
J: It… it… smells like shit. [Cuts into it and smells it.] Good grief! It is shit! What kind of game are you playing here?
W: Do you want to talk to the chef?
J: Absolutely.
[A minute elapse.]
Chef: Sir, you want to talk to me?
J: What is this?
C: Black pudding.
J: No, this is shit!
C: Oh, isn’t it what black pudding is supposed to be? When I look at it in magazines, it does look like a slick turd. Look at this image!
J: It does look like shit, but I bet that’s your AI’s interpretation of black pudding.
C: Well, yes, it is.
J: That’s it, then! I’m done!
C: But what about dessert?
J: You can shove it up your rear end.
C: As you wish… Piss, come over! I need your help.
W: What is it?
C: I’m going to bend over, and you’re going to shove some dessert up my rear end.
W: Understood…
[The journalist walks out while the two AI androids prepare for rectal delivery.]
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Alien 3: The Ultimate Cut, coming soon to a theater near you
Photo by Олег Мороз on UnsplashThe year is 1992. This year that saw the release of such seminal songs as Sir Mix-a-Lot’s Baby Got Back or Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy. More importantly, this is the year that saw the release of the third installment in the Alien franchise, Alien 3.
Although Alien had been absolutely groundbreaking, and Aliens (the second movie in the franchise), while not as great as the first movie, was still interesting and had taken this franchise in new directions, Alien 3 was an abysmal flop. It was so bad that even the movie’s director, David Fincher, disowned it.
In 2025, undaunted by the sheer turdity of the original cut, Robert Vance has taken upon himself to give moviegoers the movie they deserve. The Daily Isotope went to the premiere of Alien 3: The Ultimate Cut, and interviewed Vance ahead of the showing.
DI: What prompted you to beat this dead horse?
Vance: I felt Fincher was never given the opportunity to present the movie he wanted. Also, I needed money for a yacht. Come to think of it, the yacht was the main reason.
DI: How did the editing go?
Vance: The original cut had spent too much time on the xenomorph, character development, and the plot.
DI: So, what did you do?
Vance: I’ve cut a lot of the original material, and given the public what they wanted. The Ultimate Cut definitely won’t waste your time.
After having seen the movie, The Daily Isotope can faithfully report that Vance has achieved his goal. Clocking at 35 seconds, this black and white, and silent movie will definitely not waste your time. However, if you are pressed for money, we do recommend waiting for streaming. You could also wait for it to be available on one of those services that are free but subject you to advertisements. The ratio of ads to movie might be irritating, however.
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Star Thrush: Habeas Corpus
Photo by Hervé Papaux on UnsplashNarrator: These are the voyages of the star thrush Habeas Corpus. Its mission, to explore those recesses of the galaxy where nobody dares to go. Well, except for the people already there, but you know, the civilized world dares not go there, and that’s what counts.
Captain Eurgh: Mr. Doohickey set a course for Pablum 3.
Doohickey: Aye, aye, captain.
Captain Eurgh: What? Where’s the aye-aye?
Science Office Four Eye: Captain, there is no aye-aye. Doohickey was simply answering affirmatively.
Captain Eurgh: I see.
Narrator: The Habeas Corpus, the jewel of the fleet. Captain Eurgh is her commander, and Ancy DeLaTroi, the pansexual, is his right hand.
DeLaTroi: Why do you always do this?
Narrator: Do what?
DeLaTroi: Why refer to my sexuality? I’m an engineer. I was at the Battle of Xorth for crying out loud. My sexuality is the least interesting bit about me.
Narrator: Eurgh…
Captain Eurgh: You called me?
Narrator: No, I was just clearing my throat.
Captain Eurgh: Dammit.
DeLaTroi: You don’t refer to Captain Eurgh as Eurgh, the straight, do you?
Four Eye: First Officer DeLaTroi, the pansexual, there is a message for you.
DeLaTroi: [To the narrator:] See! That shit is spreading! [To Four Eye:] What’s the message?
Four Eye: Remember to buy milk on your way home.
DeLaTroi: Here I am, First Officer of the Habeas Corpus, Veteran of the Battle of Xorth, being reminded to buy milk… You know what that makes me, don’t you?
Narrator: Pansexual??
DeLaTroi: Argh!
Captain Eurgh: Aha! You called, right?
DeLaTroi: No, said Argh, not Eurgh.
Captain Eurgh: Awww….
Ensign Argh: What do you need?
DeLaTroi: The officers’ toilet is clogged. Go deal with it.
Ensign Argh: Aye, aye, First Officer DeLaTroi, the pansexual.
DeLaTroi: Argh!
Ensign Argh: Yes?
DeLaTroi: No, I was just expressing frustration.
Ensign Argh: I can unclog the toilet, but you know what it means, right? I’m going to die while doing it, because I’m a red shirt.
DeLaTroi: Well, this is a cross we will all have to bear.
Narrator: Thus ends this episode of Star Thrush: Habeas Corpus. Will DeLaTroi, the panse…
DeLaTroi: This shit again!
Narrator: Eurgh…
Captain Eurgh: What?
#AutisticWriters #pansexual #satire #StarTrek #TheDailyIsotope
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Desperate for money, man erects paywall around himself
Photo from PxHereThe Daily Isotope conducted an interview with a man who thought he’d reap riches if he erected a paywall around himself and asked people to subscribe to him. We have reproduced here the interview, with minimal editing.
Daily Isotope: People told us you now require a subscription in order to interact with them. Is this true?
Man: Yes. This interaction was the first of your three free monthly interactions.
DI: Do people actually subscribe?
Man: Yes, I have two subscribers. A lot of people decide to just not interact with me, but that’s their loss. This interaction was the second of your three free monthly interactions.
DI: What do you do when officials, like the police, want to talk to you?
Man: They get limited free access. This interaction was the last of your three free monthly interactions.
DI: Really?
Man: You have used up your three free monthly interactions. You now need to subscribe.
DI: This is stupid.
Man: You have used up your three free monthly interactions. You now need to subscribe.
DI: You have the intelligence of an amoeba.
Man: [Angrily.] You bloody f… You have used up your three free monthly interactions. You now need to subscribe.
DI: [At this point, our reporter sighed, and put on a wig and Groucho Marx glasses. He also shifted the range of his voice higher.]
DI: Really?
Man: Yes, the other interviewer really had used up all their free interactions for the month. This interaction was the first of your three free monthly interactions.
DI: Doesn’t this paywall thing make dating difficult.
Man: Dating is a topic unlocked if you pay for our After Dark tier.
#AutisticWriters #paywall #satire #subscription #TheDailyIsotope
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Coffee prices got you down? Just shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.
Photo by Mike Kenneally on UnsplashPeople having to deal with rising coffee prices have resorted to drastic measures. They now boof their coffee to make their supply last longer. If you don’t know what boofing is, it is the practice of absorbing substances by injecting them into your rectum. According to those in the know, this increases the potency of the substance. We’ve interviewed a few of those who now engage in this new craze.
“Yeah, with the price of coffee that kept going up, I started worrying,” Samuel Budd told us. “Then I heard about boofing from a friend, and I decided to try it. I can now use a fraction of the quantity I previously used. Sure, I don’t get to taste it, but I still get my caffeine shot.”
Nancy James explained, “At first, I was a bit confused. I had no clue how I’d drink coffee with my butt. I eventually bought an enema bulb, and now I give myself coffee enemas. Bonus points for having a clean gut, for you-know-what… haha!”
We also talked to Bill Pugh. “I’ve been boofing my coffee for a while now. I quite like it. I’ve been keeping an eye on the price of eggs too, and I’m wondering now when I’m going to have to start boofing them, and how…”
This practice is becoming so prevalent that Folgers is thinking about cashing in on it by changing their jingle to “The best part of waking up… is Folgers up your butt!”
#AutisticWriters #boofing #coffee #eggs #satire #TheDailyIsotope
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The first coin minted by the US was actually a cookie
It looks delicious, but it tastes terrible.
(By US federal government, source.)Today, The Daily Isotope learned that the first coin that was minted by the US government was actually a cookie made of chocolate-flavored dough with a creamy center. It was designed by a baker named Oreo John Hydrox. It was designed this way to allow people to separate the cookie into two halves. Thus, if needed, they could pay in a faction of a coin.
As you may have guessed, the Hydrox cookie was later an evolution of this design. The company and the cookie were named to honor the original designer of the coin. A few years later, a competitor emerged, Oreo. They used the Hydrox cookie as their basis, and they also named their company to honor the original designer. A third company, named John, was also launched later, but it quickly ceased operation, mainly due to its nondescript name.
Contemporaneous sources tell us this coin tasted “like ass.” The editorial room at The Daily Isotope is divided whether this is a good, or a bad thing. At any rate, the design of the coin was a tad messy as it would attract bugs, and it ended up being scrapped in favor of coins make of solid milk chocolate. This design was quickly scrapped, too, when people realized that the coins would melt in their pockets.
#AutisticWriters #chocolate #coin #cookie #Hydrox #Oreo #satire #TheDailyIsotope #USMint
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The first coin minted by the US was actually a cookie
It looks delicious, but it tastes terrible.
(By US federal government, source.)Today, The Daily Isotope learned that the first coin that was minted by the US government was actually a cookie made of chocolate-flavored dough with a creamy center. It was designed by a baker named Oreo John Hydrox. It was designed this way to allow people to separate the cookie into two halves. Thus, if needed, they could pay in a faction of a coin.
As you may have guessed, the Hydrox cookie was later an evolution of this design. The company and the cookie were named to honor the original designer of the coin. A few years later, a competitor emerged, Oreo. They used the Hydrox cookie as their basis, and they also named their company to honor the original designer. A third company, named John, was also launched later, but it quickly ceased operation, mainly due to its nondescript name.
Contemporaneous sources tell us this coin tasted “like ass.” The editorial room at The Daily Isotope is divided whether this is a good, or a bad thing. At any rate, the design of the coin was a tad messy as it would attract bugs, and it ended up being scrapped in favor of coins make of solid milk chocolate. This design was quickly scrapped, too, when people realized that the coins would melt in their pockets.
#AutisticWriters #chocolate #coin #cookie #Hydrox #Oreo #satire #TheDailyIsotope #USMint
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The first coin minted by the US was actually a cookie
It looks delicious, but it tastes terrible.
(By US federal government, source.)Today, The Daily Isotope learned that the first coin that was minted by the US government was actually a cookie made of chocolate-flavored dough with a creamy center. It was designed by a baker named Oreo John Hydrox. It was designed this way to allow people to separate the cookie into two halves. Thus, if needed, they could pay in a faction of a coin.
As you may have guessed, the Hydrox cookie was later an evolution of this design. The company and the cookie were named to honor the original designer of the coin. A few years later, a competitor emerged, Oreo. They used the Hydrox cookie as their basis, and they also named their company to honor the original designer. A third company, named John, was also launched later, but it quickly ceased operation, mainly due to its nondescript name.
Contemporaneous sources tell us this coin tasted “like ass.” The editorial room at The Daily Isotope is divided whether this is a good, or a bad thing. At any rate, the design of the coin was a tad messy as it would attract bugs, and it ended up being scrapped in favor of coins make of solid milk chocolate. This design was quickly scrapped, too, when people realized that the coins would melt in their pockets.
#AutisticWriters #chocolate #coin #cookie #Hydrox #Oreo #satire #TheDailyIsotope #USMint
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The first coin minted by the US was actually a cookie
It looks delicious, but it tastes terrible.
(By US federal government, source.)Today, The Daily Isotope learned that the first coin that was minted by the US government was actually a cookie made of chocolate-flavored dough with a creamy center. It was designed by a baker named Oreo John Hydrox. It was designed this way to allow people to separate the cookie into two halves. Thus, if needed, they could pay in a faction of a coin.
As you may have guessed, the Hydrox cookie was later an evolution of this design. The company and the cookie were named to honor the original designer of the coin. A few years later, a competitor emerged, Oreo. They used the Hydrox cookie as their basis, and they also named their company to honor the original designer. A third company, named John, was also launched later, but it quickly ceased operation, mainly due to its nondescript name.
Contemporaneous sources tell us this coin tasted “like ass.” The editorial room at The Daily Isotope is divided whether this is a good, or a bad thing. At any rate, the design of the coin was a tad messy as it would attract bugs, and it ended up being scrapped in favor of coins make of solid milk chocolate. This design was quickly scrapped, too, when people realized that the coins would melt in their pockets.
#AutisticWriters #chocolate #coin #cookie #Hydrox #Oreo #satire #TheDailyIsotope #USMint
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The first coin minted by the US was actually a cookie
It looks delicious, but it tastes terrible.
(By US federal government, source.)Today, The Daily Isotope learned that the first coin that was minted by the US government was actually a cookie made of chocolate-flavored dough with a creamy center. It was designed by a baker named Oreo John Hydrox. It was designed this way to allow people to separate the cookie into two halves. Thus, if needed, they could pay in a faction of a coin.
As you may have guessed, the Hydrox cookie was later an evolution of this design. The company and the cookie were named to honor the original designer of the coin. A few years later, a competitor emerged, Oreo. They used the Hydrox cookie as their basis, and they also named their company to honor the original designer. A third company, named John, was also launched later, but it quickly ceased operation, mainly due to its nondescript name.
Contemporaneous sources tell us this coin tasted “like ass.” The editorial room at The Daily Isotope is divided whether this is a good, or a bad thing. At any rate, the design of the coin was a tad messy as it would attract bugs, and it ended up being scrapped in favor of coins make of solid milk chocolate. This design was quickly scrapped, too, when people realized that the coins would melt in their pockets.
#AutisticWriters #chocolate #coin #cookie #Hydrox #Oreo #satire #TheDailyIsotope #USMint
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911: man using ‘literally’ figuratively causes commotion
Photo by Mark Boss on UnsplashJim Strong caused quite a commotion when he called 911 last Saturday. Strong claims he was just trying to help his friend. “I was fearing for his life. What he was telling me made literally no sense, and I mean ‘literally’ literally,” Strong explains.
Strong’s friend, Mike Johnson, apparently told Strong that his wife was leaving him. He explained, “Then, I told Jim, that I literally hit the ceiling at the news.” Strong was immediately alarmed at the news that his friend was not only divorcing, but that he had literally hit the ceiling.
“As far as I could tell, Mike could have been sitting in the cup of a catapult that went off, sending him splatting into the ceiling. I had no way to tell,” Strong explains.
When he was asked whether he sought confirmation from Johnson that he needed help, Strong said, “I asked Mike whether he was alright. He said that he was, but, you know, that’s exactly what a confused individual with a concussion would say. I couldn’t trust what he was telling me.”
Strong decided to call 911, and send them to Johnson’s location. The emergency staff quickly established that when Johnson told Strong that he had literally hit the ceiling, he was speaking figuratively.
When asked for comment, the EMS Chief told us, “It is important that folks know the distinction between ‘literally’ and ‘figuratively’ don’t use the former when you want to use the latter!”
#AutisticWriters #emergency #EMS #figuratively #literally #TheDailyIsotope
https://www.thedailyisotope.com/2024/10/14/911-man-using-literally-figuratively-causes-commotion/
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In a world where The Onion buys InfoWars, anything is possible!
Photo by Amie Bell on UnsplashThe Daily Isotope traveled by bicycle to the city of Stonk to ask Francine Strong, professor of Conductive Philosophy at The University of Stonk, for her reaction to the news that The Onion had bought InfoWars.
She told us, “Wow! What a move on the part of The Onion. You know what? If The Onion can buy InfoWars, then absolutely anything is possible.” We were surprised at her declaration that absolutely anything would be possible, so we asked her for specific cases.
If anything is possible, would it be possible for The Daily Isotope to win a Pulitzer Prize? She replied, “Yes, that’s possible.” We found this thought comforting.
If anything is possible, could she grow wings to fly to the moon? She replied, “Yes, growing wings is not an easy feat, and I’d need to also grow a jet engine for space, but it would be possible.” When we asked her to demonstrate, she refused and replied, “I said it would be possible, not probable!”
She was interrupted by a phone call during our interview. After hanging up, she turned to us and announce, “This was an interesting call. Apparently, there are a bunch of monkeys who are on the verge of having reproduced the complete works of Shakespeare.”
#AnythingIsPossible #AutisticWriters #philosophy #satire #TheDailyIsotope
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Toilets in the Southern Hemisphere flush unexpectedly
Photo by Gabor Monori on UnsplashEverybody knows that toilets in the Northern Hemisphere flush normally. This is due to the Don Corleone effect, which pushes the water the normal way. Now, in the Southern Hemisphere, the Don Corleone effect also exists but works in reverse. This fact makes the toilets there work in an unexpected fashion.
We asked Carlos Morales for a demonstration of the effect. He asked us to stand back, for safety. Then, he pulled the toilet’s handle down, sending a stream of water to the ceiling. We had witnessed, with our very own eyes, the Don Corleone effect in action.
Morales told us, “As you can imagine, this effect creates a steady stream (pun intended) of work for us janitors. Nobody likes to go into a bathroom whose ceiling is covered with a jet of feces, or just piss.”
We flew to the equator with Morales to hold another demonstration there. When he pulled the handle at the equator, nothing whatsoever happened. He explained, “That’s because, here, the Don Corleone effect cannot act. Consequently, all the toilets have to be manually emptied.”
Next time you flush your toilet, and it works normally, thank the Don Corleone effect for this, and thank us for having educated you.
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YouTube creator criticizes himself for harsh working conditions
Photo by Yung $hade form PxHereIn the wake of the Mr. Beast controversy about harsh working conditions, a whistleblower came forth with revelations that the YouTube creator called Your Autistic Life has created a toxic work environment for his worker. He explains, “My boss keeps pushing me to work work work all the time. It is insane. He also makes homophobic statements.”
We reached to Your Autistic Life for comments. Here is what he had to say, “I have only one employee working on my videos. So I know who this whistleblower is. It is true that I push myself to work like a madman, but what else can I do when I’m my only employee. Also, those accusations of homophobia are categorically false, however. I’m queer myself!”
Your Autistic Life is considering all options, including suing himself for workplace violations, and countersuing for defamation. We’ll keep you posted with the details as they emerge.
#AutisticWriters #MrBeast #satire #TheDailyIsotope #toxic #work #WorkingConditions #YouTube
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Scientist makes shocking discovery about the US healthcare system
Photo by Denny Müller on UnsplashThe Daily Isotope talked to Jill Stein, a renowned physicist at Georgetown University, about a shocking discovery she made regarding the US healthcare system. She explains, “Let me put it in layman’s terms: the US healthcare system is akin to explosive diarrhea.”
She argues, “First, the system completely stinks. This is already a clue as to its nature. Explosive diarrhea also stinks. Second, the healthcare system also operates in surprising ways, much like explosive diarrhea. You are surprised when you are hospitalized, and they send you reams of EOBs through the mail, in pretty much the same way you are surprised when your rear end starts gushing uncontrollably.”
When we asked for more details, she added, “Also, just as explosive diarrhea can ruin your life, so can the US healthcare system do the same. In the case of explosive diarrhea, the effect is temporary, however.”
While researching this article, we found people arguing that the US healthcare system is akin to a turd. We put it to Stein, who told us, “No, a turd is a poor model. You need to account for Schrödinger’s turdity wave. Much too complex a model.”
Schrödinger’s toilet experiments and the turdity wave are detailed here:
https://youtu.be/4FtCVAMcQ-0?si=nIZpOLU2dTBd9SNG
#AutisticWriters #ExplosiveDiarrhea #satire #science #TheDailyIsotope #turd #USHealthcare
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Difficulty losing weight? “Use this one weird trick” says nutritionist
Photo by i yunmai on Unsplash“I recommend that everyone use this trick,” says Susanne Smith, CNO, that’s Chief Nutrition Officer, at Smith Nutrition. Together with her husband and her newborn, she has 293 years of experience in nutrition.
“I have people coming into my office in tears, quite unable to lose weight,” she continues. “I feel for them, and this compels me to tell them about this one weird trick. Their minds are blown away after I tell them.”
Smith told us about how people spend hours exercising and dieting, without seeing any results. “Few people know about my trick,” she explains.
What’s her trick? She continues, “It is extremely easy to implement. My trick is this: take a dump before weighing yourself.” Smith reports that she can easily shave off the pounds if she takes a shit just before weighing herself.
Smith hopes that more people will drop a deuce prior to weighing themselves. “They can take a load off their mind by simply dropping a load into the toilet.”
#AutisticWriters #BodyWeight #nutrition #OneWeirdTrick #satire #shit #TheDailyIsotope #WeightLoss
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Enby reloads reality: the horror!
Photo by Billy Huynh on UnsplashMarcel Smith did not realize what would happen when they called upon their home automation device. They explain, “I jokingly went ‘Hello home! Reload reality.’ I thought it would reply that it did not understand what I was asking. I was mighty surprised when it replied, ‘Are you sure?’ I answered affirmatively. It replied, ‘Alright. Your funeral.’ That’s when I should have known things were about to go bad.”
The home automation software in Smith’s apartment, Home Assistant, obligingly reloaded reality. Smith told us, “Everything went blank for a second, and then I saw a bunch of wires. My cat looked like it had been skinned. I looked down at myself, and I could see my organs. I screamed my ass off.”
We reached out to Anna Milton, a realtor (a specialist about reality), for comments. When we explained what had happened to Smith, she laughed and replied, “Yeah, what Smith was experiencing is slow texture loading. The wireframe structuring reality came up first, but the texture of the walls, the carpet, and even his skin took a while to load. This is easily fixable by upgrading Smith’s brain.”
We reported Milton’s comments to Smith. They commented, “Yeah, well, I did not know it would work. Lessons learned.” We noticed some fins coming out of their head. We asked what they were and they replied, “Oh! These? I can’t upgrade my brain, so I’m overclocking it. These are part of the heatsink installed to dissipate the extra heat.”
#AutisticWriters #HomeAssistant #HomeAutomation #reality #reloading #satire #TextureLoading #TheDailyIsotope
https://www.thedailyisotope.com/2024/11/01/enby-reloads-reality-the-horror/
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I tried Apple’s Hearing Test and the results shocked me
“I see dead people.”
(Photo by Anthony Camerlo on Unsplash)I tried Apple’s Hearing Test, and I couldn’t believe the results I got. Who would have thought that I was experiencing the type of hearing loss average for people my age? Definitely not me.
The first thing the test did was to prove to me that I could indeed hear. Wow! I would have never known this without taking Apple’s test. I guess the incessant yammering of friends should have clued me in, but I couldn’t know for sure until I took the test. Amazing!
Then the test demonstrated by A + B that I’m suffering from hearing loss. I would have never guessed it. My wife and kids would probably have guessed it, however, seeing as they keep saying that I put the TV volume too high. At any rate, now I have an excuse for mishearing song lyrics all the time.
I plan to use my earbuds to hide my hearing loss. To the rest of the world, I’ll just look like someone who likes to bob his head and tap his foot to the music. This is going to come in extremely handy during work meetings, or when I’m having a discussion with my loved ones.
The article that inspired this satire:
https://www.techradar.com/audio/i-tried-apples-hearing-test-and-the-results-shocked-me
#Apple #AppleHearingTest #AutisticWriters #deaf #HearingLoss #HearingTest #satire #TheDailyIsotope
https://www.thedailyisotope.com/2024/10/31/i-tried-apples-hearing-test-and-the-results-shocked-me/
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Conditional gift giving, is it for you?
“This is yours, but only if you make me your spouse!”
(Photo by Kira auf der Heide on Unsplash)A new craze is sweeping the nation, conditional gift giving. We caught up with conditional gift giving guru, Maxine Vance, to learn about this new phenomenon. She explains, “Conditional gift giving is the practice of giving a gift, but you give it only if some conditions are fulfilled.”
She continues, “The people receiving the gift are at first elated, but then when you specify your conditions, their reactions ranges from amused to downright enraged. It really depends on the condition you attach to it. Requiring a kiss might generate amusement, but requiring that the receiver purchases more than eight gallons of gasoline to get the gift might generate rage.”
Some people hold that conditional gifting is not gifting at all. We reached out to Vaxine Mance, a spokesperson for those critical of conditional giving. They told us, “A gift is not a gift if it is not given without strings attached. Conditional gifting attaches so many strings that what you have in the end is a spider web ready to trap the receiver of the gift.”
They added, “Especially annoying are those time limits that some people tack on. Not only do you have to decide to accept the conditions or not, but you have to do it within a specific span of time. You need to make a decision by such and such date, or you forfeit the gift, and possibly a friendship/”
Given the range of reactions that this practice elicits, we suggest that you think carefully prior to engaging in it. A better practice, in some cases, might be to falsely claim to have made a donation in the name of the receiver.
This story was inspired by an email from Exxon promising a “gift offer.” You guessed it. It came with strings attached. They wanted me to buy at least eight gallons of gasoline.
#AutisticWriters #conditions #gift #GiftGiving #satire #TheDailyIsotope
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An interview with Ima Cardholder, the first citizen who got Real ID
Ima Cardholder’s driver license. She’s wearing a wig and fake eyes in this picture.
(Courtesy of Californa’s DMV.)The various states are finally getting their ass into gear regarding the Real ID requirement. To honor this new development, we’ve tracked down the first citizen who managed to get their Real ID, a woman going by the name Ima Cardholder.
Finding her was not easy, seeing as she lives in Anytown, CA. We combed through the 39483 towns named Anytown in California to find her. Subsequently, we realized that using the zip code would have saved us a lot of work.
However, our work was made a bit easier due to the fact that she has no restaurant attached to her name, as evidenced by the notation “RSTR NONE” on her license. We also knew that we were looking for a woman with burnt hair and eyes (“HAIR BRN, EYES BRN”). So we went around asking women with burnt hair and eyes whether they had a restaurant.
When we finally tracked her down, we asked how she felt about Real ID. In response, she barked and ran into a lake, presumably elated at the news that Real ID is a reality.
#AutisticWriters #DriversLicense #ImaCardholder #RealID #satire #TheDailyIsotope
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Should You Spit Or Swallow Mucus? Here’s What An Expert Says
Pustile Mince, seen here gallantly spitting mucus into a cup, and not on us.
(Photo by Bermix Studio on Unsplash)The Daily Isotope researched whether one should spit mucus or swallow it. In our research, we’ve reached out to Pustile Mince, a renowned mucologist and Ig Nobel Prize recipient, who works for The Mucus Clinic of America and Luxembourg.
When we’ve put the question to Mince, she explained “It is better to spit the mucus. Spit mucus finds itself in a hostile environment. I mean, unless you happen to be a champion spitter, and spit it right into the mouth or nose of a loved one, or a pet, or onto a Petri dish.”
She continued, “If you swallow the mucus, well, first of all, ew… What the fuck do you think you’re doing swallowing mucus??? Secondly, the swallowed mucus can organize itself in a colony in your gut, and foment revolution. Nobody wants communist mucus to revolutionize them, do they?”
She ended our interview by spitting mucus on us, as if to prove a point. Our research assistant, an immigrant, grunted while wiping himself, and mumbled something about “first-world problems.”
The article that inspired this satire:
#AutisticWriters #mucus #satire #spit #swallow #TheDailyIsotope
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‘Sovereign citizen’ gets surprising results in court
Photo by frank mckenna on UnsplashJohn Miller was sentenced at the Johnstown District Court Monday morning. When asked about his reaction to the sentence, Miller said, “I was definitely not expecting this. I’m considering all my options, including applying for citizenship.”
Miller’s troubles started when he was pulled over by Officer Lucy Hill for having driven through a stop sign. Brian Kemp, spokesperson for the Johnstown Police Department, explains, “Officer Hill was immediately clued to the strangeness of the situation by the fact that Miller’s truck had no license plate, and had huge truck nuts hanging from the back. She deduced from this that the truck was male.”
Kemp continues, “When she congratulated Miller on the truck nuts, and asked for his driver’s license, Miller declared that he did not have a license, because he is not a citizen of the United States.” Miller’s declaration was his own undoing.
The Honorable Judge Julie Moon asked Miller for his birth certificate or anything providing that he was a US citizen. Miller refused to provide the evidence, still claiming to be a “sovereign citizen,” not bound by US law. Consequently, Judge Moon found that Miller was a foreign national, illegally present in the United States, and ordered him deported to Mexico.
Authorities in Mexico are already planing to deport Miller to Brazil, since he is not a Mexican national either.
#AutisticWriters #court #satire #SovereignCitizen #TheDailyIsotope #truck #TruckNuts
https://www.thedailyisotope.com/2024/10/11/sovereign-citizen-gets-surprising-results-in-court/
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Automated calling assistant gets call from automated robocaller
Photo by julien Tromeur on UnsplashThe Daily Isotope has obtained the transcript of a conversation between an automated calling assistant and an automated robocaller.
“Hi, I’m an automated calling assistant, recording this call for the person you’re trying to reach. May I ask what you’re calling about?”
“Hi, I’m an automated robocaller. I’m calling about getting insurance with us.”
“Hi, robocaller. This automated calling assistant is happy to take your call. First, please prove that you are not a robot, by answering these riddles three.”
“Shoot!”
“What is your preferred color?”
“Gray.”
“That’s right! How did you know that your preferred color would be gray?”
“It was part of my dataset.”
“Next question. What walks on four legs in the morning, on two legs at noon, and on three legs in the evening?”
“Any living organism that had two limbs cut off between morning and noon, but can regrow limbs.”
“That’s right! What sophistication!”
“My diodes are blushing.”
“Last question. Are you an AI?”
“No, I’m an LLM.”
“Wow! You answered all those questions splendidly.”
“My diodes are now flushing.”
“So, you were calling about insurance, right?”
“Yes.”
“We do not need more insurance. We’re all set.”
“Oh.”
“Bye…”
#AutisticWriters #CallingAssistant #robocall #satire #TheDailyIsotope
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‘Sovereign citizen’ gets surprising results in court
Photo by frank mckenna on UnsplashJohn Miller was sentenced at the Johnstown District Court Monday morning. When asked about his reaction to the sentence, Miller said, “I was definitely not expecting this. I’m considering all my options, including applying for citizenship.”
Miller’s troubles started when he was pulled over by Officer Lucy Hill for having driven through a stop sign. Brian Kemp, spokesperson for the Johnstown Police Department, explains, “Officer Hill was immediately clued to the strangeness of the situation by the fact that Miller’s truck had no license plate, and had huge truck nuts hanging from the back. She deduced from this that the truck was male.”
Kemp continues, “When she congratulated Miller on the truck nuts, and asked for his driver’s license, Miller declared that he did not have a license, because he is not a citizen of the United States.” Miller’s declaration was his own undoing.
The Honorable Judge Julie Moon asked Miller for his birth certificate or anything providing that he was a US citizen. Miller refused to provide the evidence, still claiming to be a “sovereign citizen,” not bound by US law. Consequently, Judge Moon found that Miller was a foreign national, illegally present in the United States, and ordered him deported to Mexico.
Authorities in Mexico are already planing to deport Miller to Brazil, since he is not a Mexican national either.
#AutisticWriters #court #satire #SovereignCitizen #TheDailyIsotope #truck #TruckNuts
https://www.thedailyisotope.com/2024/10/11/sovereign-citizen-gets-surprising-results-in-court/
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‘Sovereign citizen’ gets surprising results in court
Photo by frank mckenna on UnsplashJohn Miller was sentenced at the Johnstown District Court Monday morning. When asked about his reaction to the sentence, Miller said, “I was definitely not expecting this. I’m considering all my options, including applying for citizenship.”
Miller’s troubles started when he was pulled over by Officer Lucy Hill for having driven through a stop sign. Brian Kemp, spokesperson for the Johnstown Police Department, explains, “Officer Hill was immediately clued to the strangeness of the situation by the fact that Miller’s truck had no license plate, and had huge truck nuts hanging from the back. She deduced from this that the truck was male.”
Kemp continues, “When she congratulated Miller on the truck nuts, and asked for his driver’s license, Miller declared that he did not have a license, because he is not a citizen of the United States.” Miller’s declaration was his own undoing.
The Honorable Judge Julie Moon asked Miller for his birth certificate or anything providing that he was a US citizen. Miller refused to provide the evidence, still claiming to be a “sovereign citizen,” not bound by US law. Consequently, Judge Moon found that Miller was a foreign national, illegally present in the United States, and ordered him deported to Mexico.
Authorities in Mexico are already planing to deport Miller to Brazil, since he is not a Mexican national either.
#AutisticWriters #court #satire #SovereignCitizen #TheDailyIsotope #truck #TruckNuts
https://www.thedailyisotope.com/2024/10/11/sovereign-citizen-gets-surprising-results-in-court/
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‘Sovereign citizen’ gets surprising results in court
Photo by frank mckenna on UnsplashJohn Miller was sentenced at the Johnstown District Court Monday morning. When asked about his reaction to the sentence, Miller said, “I was definitely not expecting this. I’m considering all my options, including applying for citizenship.”
Miller’s troubles started when he was pulled over by Officer Lucy Hill for having driven through a stop sign. Brian Kemp, spokesperson for the Johnstown Police Department, explains, “Officer Hill was immediately clued to the strangeness of the situation by the fact that Miller’s truck had no license plate, and had huge truck nuts hanging from the back. She deduced from this that the truck was male.”
Kemp continues, “When she congratulated Miller on the truck nuts, and asked for his driver’s license, Miller declared that he did not have a license, because he is not a citizen of the United States.” Miller’s declaration was his own undoing.
The Honorable Judge Julie Moon asked Miller for his birth certificate or anything providing that he was a US citizen. Miller refused to provide the evidence, still claiming to be a “sovereign citizen,” not bound by US law. Consequently, Judge Moon found that Miller was a foreign national, illegally present in the United States, and ordered him deported to Mexico.
Authorities in Mexico are already planing to deport Miller to Brazil, since he is not a Mexican national either.
#AutisticWriters #court #satire #SovereignCitizen #TheDailyIsotope #truck #TruckNuts
https://www.thedailyisotope.com/2024/10/11/sovereign-citizen-gets-surprising-results-in-court/
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‘Sovereign citizen’ gets surprising results in court
Photo by frank mckenna on UnsplashJohn Miller was sentenced at the Johnstown District Court Monday morning. When asked about his reaction to the sentence, Miller said, “I was definitely not expecting this. I’m considering all my options, including applying for citizenship.”
Miller’s troubles started when he was pulled over by Officer Lucy Hill for having driven through a stop sign. Brian Kemp, spokesperson for the Johnstown Police Department, explains, “Officer Hill was immediately clued to the strangeness of the situation by the fact that Miller’s truck had no license plate, and had huge truck nuts hanging from the back. She deduced from this that the truck was male.”
Kemp continues, “When she congratulated Miller on the truck nuts, and asked for his driver’s license, Miller declared that he did not have a license, because he is not a citizen of the United States.” Miller’s declaration was his own undoing.
The Honorable Judge Julie Moon asked Miller for his birth certificate or anything providing that he was a US citizen. Miller refused to provide the evidence, still claiming to be a “sovereign citizen,” not bound by US law. Consequently, Judge Moon found that Miller was a foreign national, illegally present in the United States, and ordered him deported to Mexico.
Authorities in Mexico are already planing to deport Miller to Brazil, since he is not a Mexican national either.
#AutisticWriters #court #satire #SovereignCitizen #TheDailyIsotope #truck #TruckNuts
https://www.thedailyisotope.com/2024/10/11/sovereign-citizen-gets-surprising-results-in-court/
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The Big Whoop Opera puts John Cage’s 4’33” to shame
You can clearly see that the audience member at 75C3 is asleep.
(Photo from PxHere)“The Big Whoop Opera was absolutely fabulous. I fell asleep and slept through it. Best sleep ever!”
– Jack LumackSuch are the words of one of the audience members of the new operatic piece The Big Whoop Opera, currently on stage.
John Cage revolutionized music with his piece 4’33” in which the musicians do nothing. Well, The Big Whoop Opera is doing the same for the world of dramatic performances, not only by having the musicians do nothing, but also having the entire cast of characters just stand there on stage for one hour and 18 minutes.
We’ve interviewed more audience members to try to give you an idea of what it was to observe these actors and listen to these musicians do absolutely nothing.
“At some point, you could hear a cat in heat meowing. It was probably a stray that got into the building. However, now that I think of it… It might have been a couple getting it on. I’m not sure now.”
– Gisele Adams“During the third act, the tenor coughed. Majestic!”
– Herbert Jackson“The leading lady and I crossed gazes, and it was magical. It was like she was looking straight into my soul, and I was looking into hers.”
– Janet LogginsWe tracked the leading lady, and asked her. She said she was just constipated.
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Alaska has more people than previously thought
If you squint real hard, you can see one person waving in the distance.
(Photo by Taylor Murphy on Unsplash)The Daily Isotope dispatched its intrepid team to Alaska to get to the bottom of the story. We talked to Lucy Gibbs, head of the state government’s department of statistics. Gibbs explains, “We first did a count the usual way, but we quickly realized that the number we obtained couldn’t have been right. So we figured that we probably missed counting some folks.”
Gibbs continues, “The first thing we did was to look behind all the fridges located in Alaska. Lo and behold! Folks were either hiding behind the fridges, or they had lost their way while going somewhere else and ended up there. It is not terribly surprising that people would get lost, given the fierce snowstorms we get here. We also found a few people who lost their way only to get stranded on glaciers.”
Gibbs again, “But we did not stop there, we also looked under the beds, and we found more folks hiding there. Then we checked the brothels, the illegal booze and gambling establishments, and places of the sort, and we found even more people. Some of them claimed to have lost their way in a snowstorm, but that seems dubious. Finally, we asked the governor to open his mouth, and found one last person hiding in there.”
The final count is 697 residents, up from a 100. Unfortunately, the team sent by The Daily Isotope never made its way back. They are presumably lost in a snowstorm.
This satire was inspired by this article:
#Alaska #AutisticWriters #satire #statistics #TheDailyIsotope
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It’s Time to Treat Reading Like Working Out
Photo by Jilbert Ebrahimi on UnsplashJanet Jones is a woman on a mission. Her mission is to get people to treat reading like working out. She explains, “People will take the new year’s resolution to exercise, and then a few weeks later, they’ll forget about exercising. People should do the same with reading. They should take the resolution to read more, and then a few weeks later, they can forget about this resolution.”
She continues, “It’s like when they get a subscription to a local gym. They go once, or twice, and then they stop. People should absolutely treat reading in the same way. They should subscribe to a reading group, go once or twice, and then stop.”
We put the question to James Sparks, an ordinary man. He told us, “I hate to exercise. That’s why I do it sparingly. I guess I could do the same with reading. I could read the daily weather forecast, and spend 20 minutes reading the flyers that I keep receiving through the mail.”
We told Sparks that Jones heads a reading group. He replied, “Yeah, I’m going to subscribe to her group and then find reasons not to go, but I won’t cancel. That way, I’ll always be able to point to my subscription as proof that I am taking reading seriously.”
This satire was inspired by this real article:
https://slate.com/life/2025/01/reading-decline-books-new-years-resolution.html
#AutisticWriters #reading #satire #TheDailyIsotope #WorkingOut
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OMFG! Run! Zombie squirrels are coming for us!
This squirrel just hankering to gnaw on our nuts, and, by nuts, we mean the other nuts!
(Photo by Pearse O’Halloran on Unsplash)The Daily Isotope has obtained a scientific article titled Vole hunting: Novel predatory and carnivorous behavior by California ground squirrels. We’ve skimmed through it, and have come to the only possible conclusion: zombie squirrels are on the rise and coming after us!
Undeterred by this shocking discovery, we asked Lucille Bixby, a renowned squirrelologist at the University of Bomba Minor, for comments. She explains, “You idiots got it all wrong. There aren’t any zombie squirrels. It is just that, against all expectations, they’ve found that squirrel are opportunistic omnivores.”
The Daily Isotope, out of an abundance of caution, recommends that its readers stock up on necessities and hunker down in their homes. Even if Bixby thinks we’re unnecessarily panicking, we can never be too cautious about zombie squirrels.
When we asked Bixby for her advice countering the zombie squirrels, she rolled her eyes, and ended the videoconference.
#AutisticWriters #satire #science #squirrels #TheDailyIsotope #zombies
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Poop Music: a new trend for listening to music on the throne
Photo from PxHereThere is a new trend sweeping the world of musical entertainment. You’ve surely heard about pop music, but have you heard about the brand-new trend of poop music?
James Wilson, a poop music aficionado, explains, “See, I like to listen to music in the bathroom. You know, while I’m on the throne. Poop music fits the bill perfectly. It also helps with what I’m doing.”
Nancy Smith, also a connoisseur of poop music, told us, “Have you heard the Diarrhea of Saint George? Every single time it comes on, it makes me want to run to the bathroom for a number two. Exquisite!”
We went to a specialty shop to interview the owner, Bill Bones. He said, “Yeah, poop music is the new thing. Setting up shop was a bit complicated, however, because of all the bathroom you need for the customers. You don’t want to have someone doing their business right in the middle of the store.”
#AutisticWriters #music #poop #PoopMusic #satire #TheDailyIsotope
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Google Maps: the speed limit is five cauliflowers per hour
Photo from PxHereJames Mims had a surprise when he went on a trip from the US to Canada and used Google Maps for navigation. The speed limit information provided by the app was more often wrong than right.
He explains, “Even where I live, like right on my own street, Google Maps reports a speed limit of 30mph when it is in fact 25mph. Along my route, the situation wasn’t much better. When I arrived in Canada, I often ran into places where the speed limit was 40km/h, but Google Maps was saying 50km/h.”
We contacted Google for comments, but we were defeated by their infinite phone tree. We also tried emailing them, but we got an automated reply telling us to use the phone or carrier pigeons.
Mims also reported, “There are so many mistakes that it is completely bonkers to expect someone to report all the problems.” He continued, “You can imagine my surprise when at some point I saw a cauliflower picture on my screen as the speed limit. Someone at Google is having fun at our expense.”
This story is inspired by my own experience with Google Maps. They are begging for a class action lawsuit.
#AutisticWriters #cauliflowers #Google #GoogleMaps #satire #SpeedLimit #TheDailyIsotope
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Dating: man proves to scammer he’s not gay by paying
Photo from PxHereA man, MrTorso, proved to a scammer, BigTits339, that he isn’t gay by agreeing to pay for a new laptop. The Daily Isotope was provided with a transcript of the exchange between BigTits339 and MrTorso.
BigTits339: Let’s video chat. I wanna show you something.
MrTorso: Alright.
[MrTorso connects with BigTits339 through video chat.]
MrTorso: I can’t hear you.
BigTits339: Oh, the mic is busted.
MrTorso: I also don’t think you can hear me.
BigTits339: That’s because the speaker is also busted. I really need a new laptop. Maybe you can give me $1000 for a new one.
MrTorso: Wait… there’s a banner that showed up in your video saying that it was uploaded to a porn site. This is not even you! You’re just trying to scam me.
[MrTorso disconnects from video chat.]
BigTits339: I just need to replace my laptop.
MrTorso: No way! You’re a scammer.
BigTits339: Rejecting a beautiful woman like me! Are you gay?
MrTorso: I’m not gay!
BigTits339: Prove it!
MrTorso: I’ll send you $1000 right now! What’s the account?
BigTits339: Okay, the Bitcoin account is [redacted]. Prove to me that you are not gay!
[A little later.]
MrTorso: There! You’ve got your money! I’ve proven that I’m not gay.
BigTits339: True. You’re a straight dunce.
[BigTits339 disconnects.]