#thedailyisotope — Public Fediverse posts

A Huge Cranium

“How, human, you shall bow before me, lest I get angry with you.”

“And why should I do this?”

“You see my huge cranium?”

“Yes.”

“My species has evolved this cranium to house a huge brain. We are much more intelligent than you are. Resistance is futile. Bow, now!”

“I’m not convinced. I think, much like the beluga whale’s head hump, your cranium is just housing extra fat.”

“Extra fat! Who told you this? Give me the name of the traitor, or else!”

“Thank you for confirming. I was guessing.”

“Damn! How did you guess?”

“Easy. When we asked you why you came here you said it was to steal all of our water.”

“So?”

“During your interstellar travel you passed much bigger reserves of water, all of it ready for the taking, thereby proving that you’re not as sharp as you pretend to be.”

“Drats! It is our AI who suggested we come here and steal your water! I should never have trusted our AI with this mission.”

“And another thing?”

“What’s that?”

“You’re standing on a land mine. One false move… and you’re history.”

“Dammit!”

“I think this is the start of a long and beautiful friendship.”

#TheDailyIsotope #brain #AI #microfiction

The Dark Lord

“I’m afraid we’re dealing with the actions of The Dark Lord.”

“Never heard of that individual.”

“Oh, The Dark Lord is known by many other names.”

“Like what?”

“The Lord of the Infernal Realms.”

“The Lord of the Infernal Realms. I see.”

“And The Master of Darkness.”

“Oh, I’ve heard of this one. So The Master of Darkness and The Dark Lord are one and the same?”

“Yes, they are.”

“Are there more names?”

“Yes. The Outhouse Shit Fly of Annoyance.”

“Really?”

“Yes, and Mr. Poopyhead.”

“Mr. Poop… Wait! What?”

“Also, Wibble Flibble Bong Bong.”

“Okay, now you’re just making shit up.”

“I swear I’m not!”

“I’m going to go back to my study now. Good luck with The Dark… er… I mean with Wibble Flibble Whatever.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #TheDarkLord

Two Cockroaches

“Give it to me straight, doctor.”

“Alright. Inside of you, there are two cockroaches. One of them is dead, and the other is dancing.”

“Cockroaches? Ew… Take them out, right away.”

“No, no, no. You don’t understand. I was speaking metaphorically.”

“Why are you speaking meteorically? I said give it to me straight.”

“Alright, it’s metaphorically, not meteorically, but let’s forget the cockroaches.”

“I’m afraid I can’t. You’ve painted quite the picture.”

“Okay, I’ll put away brushes, paint, and easel now.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ll give it to you straight. You’ve got cancer.”

“Okay. I don’t know where you were going with your cockroach metaphor. At any rate, that’s a relief.”

“It is quite serious. Why do you call it a relief?”

“I thought you’d say I have explosive diarrhea.”

“No, but judging by the trail of shit behind me… that’s what I have.”

“Hahaha!”

“I wouldn’t be laughing if I were you. With the chemo you’re about to get, you’ll get a good idea of the explosive diarrhea experience. Hahaha!”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #cockroaches #shit #ExplosiveDiarrhea #cancer

Three Little Farts

“Is that the song ‘Three Little Farts’ playing on your radio?”

“Yes, I love that song.”

“Aha! Did your ears DARE listen to the notes of this song?”

“Er… I wouldn’t say that they dared, no.”

“Dammit!”

“But they did hear the song.”

“YES! I must FIGHT you to DEATH, then!”

“Why?”

“Scallywag! I OWN the rights to that song.”

“Oh, you wrote the song, or made the music?”

“Now, don’t be silly. I did none of this. I just, you know, own the RIGHTS.”

“Ah.”

“I’m picking copyright law as my WEAPON. What WEAPON do you choose?”

“Er… common sense?”

“Drats!”

“What?”

“You win. I cannot do anything against COMMON SENSE.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #music

New people

“How was work today?”

“It was Bring Family To Work Day. So I met a bunch of new people.”

“How did it go?”

“Well, the first person I met was crying all the time.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, we tried to cheer him up. We tried giving him food and drinks, doing a puppet show. Nothing worked.”

“A puppet show, eh?”

“Yeah. Then the second person I met regurgitated all over me.”

“Wow. Do you know what was wrong with this individual?”

“No. That’s just something that new people are liable to do.”

“Er… I’m not sure what this has to do with being a new person, but okay…”

“Then, the third new person I met was a complete stinker.”

“What do you mean?”

“Her diaper was full.”

“How did you know she was wearing a diaper? She could just have shat herself.”

“That full diaper was visible for everyone to see.”

“What?! What full-grown adult would go around the office with their diaper visible for all to see.”

“Who said it was a full-grown adult? I was talking about *new* people. People that are new to this world.”

“…”

“In other words, babies.”

“That does not make sense. New people means people *you* did not know beforehand.”

“Oh? Let’s see. If I say ‘I saw a bunch of old people at the grocery store.’ what do you understand?”

“I understand that there were people of advanced age at the grocery store.”

“Right. You do *not* understand that there were people I already knew there.”

“So?”

“Consequently, when I talk about *new* people, I’m talking about people who were born recently. Babies. Ergo ipso facto.”

“Semper ubi sub ubi!”

“What?”

“Oh, I thought we had switched to Latin.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #NewPeople #babies

A 350-year-old fly

“Tonight, folks, we have a special treat. We’re going to do an interview with a 350-year-old fly. It is really a great privilege to have you here tonight, fly. Please tell me, how do you feel?”

“aaaaarrrrrrrmmmmmfffffffffffflllllblbllblblbl…”

“That’s great to hear. I wish I’d feel like this too when I get to be your age. What advice do you have for the younger folks out there?”

“…”

“Hello?”

“…”

“Well, this was the interv… I mean… the funeral of a 350-year-old fly. Stay tuned for the news.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #interview #flies #funeral

No hamsters

“I’d like to order a burger.”

“Any special instructions?”

“No hamsters.”

“Er… okay… I can assure you there won’t be any hamsters in your burger.”

[Later.]

“Here is your burger.”

“Excellent! Wait. What’s this?”

“Let me look… Ah. Yes. This is the complimentary gerbil.”

“I said no hamsters!”

“Yes, and this is not a hamster. This is a gerbil. If you did not want a gerbil, you should have said ‘no gerbils.'”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #restaurant

The Seer and The Knight

“What can I do for you, young man?”

“I am a Knight of the Round Table, and have come to have my future foretold.”

“That will be five pounds.”

“I’m a Knight of the Round Table. Don’t you understand?!”

“Yes, I understand that you sit at a table which has a round shape. Five pounds, please.”

“Alright, here are your five pounds”

“Excellent! Take a seat.”

“May I take this one?”

“Yes… What are you doing picking that seat up?”

“You told me to take a seat, so I am taking a seat.”

“Put that seat down and sit down, you oaf!”

“Alright, alright! No need to get angry, old woman!”

“Old? I’m only 35, you know.”

“Yeah, well I’m 15 so…”

“At any rate, I’m going to read you now.”

“Okay.”

“Hmm… I see… something.”

“What do you see?”

“You… you masturbate… a lot.”

“That’s none of your business.”

“I see what I see, young man!”

“Anyway, what can you tell me about my future?”

“Give me a second… I see something else. You will be betrayed.”

“I knew it! It is my second in command, isn’t it? That bastard is going to betray me to the enemy.”

“No… not him… you will be betrayed… by your farts!”

“My farts? How so?”

“While hiding in the bushes, you will fart. The enemy will hear it, and kill you.”

“You must be seeing wrong. I do not fart. [Fart noise.]”

“Oh, what was that noise?”

“A frog… that was a frog.”

“Sure it was. Anyhow, this future can be averted.”

“Averted? How?”

“That will be another five pounds.”

“Listen, old woman, I am on a very important mission.”

“Five pounds!”

“Alright.”

“Thank you.”

“Now will you tell me how to avert this future?”

“Don’t eat beans.”

“Don’t eat beans? That’s it?”

“Yes. It will rob your gut from the fuel it needs to produce farts.”

“Well, then I shall eat cauliflower.”

“Great! And stop masturbating. You’re going to get hairy palms.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #knights #masturbation #farts

The K9 Unit

“I came as fast as I could. I was in the middle of being turned into a newt when central called.”

“You still look human to me.”

“That’s because the witch who cast the spell starts with the genitals.”

“So… you’ve got the genitals of a newt now, but the rest of you is human?”

“Yes.”

“I see.”

“So what have we here?”

“It’s an abduction case.”

“How do you figure?”

“Do you see a victim?”

“No.”

“There you go! The victim was abducted.”

“There’s a question I’ve gotta ask.”

“Shoot!” [Gun fire.] “What the hell are you doing???”

“You said shoot, so I’m shooting.”

“I meant ask me your question, and put that gun away.”

“Alright. What’s up with the pile of dead dogs over there?”

“I called the K9 Unit. These are cadaver dogs here to help in the search.”

“Did they turn up anything?”

“Not yet. We’ve given them the victim’s clothes to sniff, but so far no reaction on their part.”

“That’s a bit vexing. What’s the name of the leader?”

“Rex.”

“Come here, Rex. I’ve got a treat for you!”

“Nothing.”

“Yeah, tough crowd.”

“We’ve got to give it time. They haven’t been at it long.”

“Oh, they’re recent graduates of the cadaver dog academy, I take it?”

“Yes, a freshly minted batch of cadaver dogs. Top of their class too. They are excellent at playing the role of cadavers.”

“Well, if those dogs find something, please let me know.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #dogs

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#TheDailyIsotope #nonsense #writing

Prostate Exams

At the primary care physician’s office:

“Am I good to go, doctor?”

“No yet. I must ask you to drop your pants.”

“Why?”

“Prostate exam.”

“Okay.”

At the ophthalmologist:

“We’re almost done. I just need you to drop your pants.”

“Why?”

“Prostate exam.”

“Hmm, unexpected but… okay.”

At the grocery store:

“Please drop your pants.”

“Why?”

“You bought cheese. Our cheese comes with a complimentary prostate exam.”

“What if I say no?”

“Well, then no cheese for you.”

“Hmm… alright then…”

At the bank:

“Hands up! This is a hold up.”

“Okay.”

“Alright, now please drop your pants.”

“Why?”

“Our hold-ups come with a free prostate exam.”

“Wait a second. I’ve been checked by my primary care physician, my ophthalmologist, and my grocer. My prostate is fine.”

“Well, I guess my father was right.”

“How so?”

“He kept telling me that I’ll never make it as a doctor. That’s why I rob banks as my main job, but I was trying to keep the dream alive. You know, by doing prostate exams on the side.”

“Oh, well… alright then, you can do your exam.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you! Hear that father???”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #prostate

Lawyer talk

“[On the phone.] Yes. Yes. Yes, with extra sauce and cheese. [Hangs up]”

“Sauce and cheese? I take it you were ordering a pizza.”

“No, I was talking to my lawyer.”

“Your lawyer??? Why were you talking about sauce and cheese, then?”

“I was teaching my lawyer how to order a pizza.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #pizza

The alien abduction

“I came as fast as I could. I was curling my hair when central called.”

“That explains the hair curlers still in your hair.”

“What have we here?”

“By the looks of it, an abduction.”

“Ah. You know what they say, right?”

“No, what do they say?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I was hoping *you* would know. Anyhow, is that the victim’s underwear, on the floor?”

“Yes. Judging by the content of the toilet, she was abducted by aliens in mid-shit.”

“How do you figure?”

“Look at the floaters, and there is no toilet paper in the bowl.”

“No, I mean, how do you figure it was aliens?”

“Look at what they left behind.”

“That’s alien alright. I can’t read the writing.”

“You’re looking at my notepad. Look at this, here.”

“The latest issue of Aliens Abducting Women Mid-Shit. It’s a bit on the nose, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know about that.”

“I’ll show you. [Holds mirror.] See that booger on your nose?”

“You’re right. It is right on my nose. Thanks for the heads-up. I’m going to have to go see my dermatologist before it multiplies.”

“I wouldn’t worry too much about it.”

“How do you figure?”

“It looks too young. Probably does not know multiplication yet.”

“Hang on. I’ve got to take this call. [Picks up phone.] Yes. Yes. It was an abduction. Yes. [Hangs up.]”

“You were on the phone with the coroner, I take it.”

“No, I was ordering a pizza from the flower shop.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #aliens #AlienAbduction

The Alfredo sauce tastes funny…

“Oh, waiter!”

“Yes.”

“I’m not satisfied with this Alfredo sauce.”

“Oh. Let me taste it. […] It tastes like perfectly fine Alfredo sauce to me.”

“It does? To me this tastes like my husband.”

“Your husband?”

“Yes, husband. I mean I do like the taste of my husband, but Alfredo sauce should not taste like him.”

“You like the taste of your husband?”

“Yes, I do kiss him every day.”

“Is that your husband there?”

“Yes. It is.”

“Don’t you see the issue?”

“What issue?”

“He’s a block of Parmigiano cheese!”

“No, no, no… He would have told me if it were the case.”

“Let’s try something. [To the husband:] Sir?”

“…”

“Sir?”

“…”

“See. He’s not reacting. That’s because he’s a block of Parmigiano cheese.”

“Okay, bucko! Now, you’re just insulting us. I’ve told you he’s not a block of Parmigiano cheese.”

“What is he, then?”

“A block of Romano cheese.”

“Aha! There’s Romano cheese in the Alfredo sauce!”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction

The cat burglar

“I was kissing a cow when central called. I came as fast as I could.”

“I see. That explains the smell.”

“What smell?”

“You smell like a cow.”

“Oh. That’s not the cow.”

“What is it, then?”

“My deodorant.”

“What fragrance are you using that smells so bad?”

“Barnyard Animal. Why?”

“It figures.”

“Anyway, what do we have here?”

“A burglar was killed.”

“Is that the burglar?”

“Yes. It is the cat you see on the floor, bleeding from a gunshot wound.”

“A *cat* burglar then…”

“You know what they say?”

“A cat in the hand is worth two in the bush?”

“No. Why would this apply here?? What they say is curiosity killed the cat.”

“Okay. How do you figure this applies in this case?”

“Look at his face.”

“Ah, yes, that’s the most curious case of resting hamster face I’ve ever seen.”

“Yes, that’s what killed him.”

“But how?”

“I think curiosity works slowly, more like an amoeba going after a shark than like lightning fellating a tree.”

“Fellating a tree???”

“I mean felling a tree. Anyway, you laugh at the amoeba but slowly, slowly it does its work and kills the shark. And then who has the last laugh?”

“I don’t know.”

“Not the shark. That’s for sure… because it is dead.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction

The leading cause of death

“Good morning.”

“Good morning, doctor.”

“How are you doing?”

“It’s probably best not to tarry. I’m parked in the metered zone. Give it to me straight, doctor. How much time do I have left?”

“Let me get the right visual aid. Ah… yes. You see this display with the time ticking down?”

“Yes.”

“That’s the time you have left.”

“Shit! That’s less than five minutes!”

“I’m very sorry.”

“I won’t even have time to put my things in order.”

“Wait, what???”

“If I’m going to die, I need to put my things in order.”

“Who said anything about you dying so soon?”

“You said my time is being counted down by this display.”

“Oh. Yes. That’s the time you have left on your parking spot. I thought that’s what you meant.”

“Oooohhhh… ha ha. So I get to live then?”

“For a while, yes.”

“Say, you’ve never told me what I have.”

“Oh, yes. You’re not going to die within the next five minutes, but you do have a terminal condition.”

“Shit… what condition?”

“You have an acute case of being alive.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, did you know that being alive is the leading cause of death, not only in this country, but everywhere on the planet?”

“So I won’t die soon?”

“No, you’ll die of ocular burnout 10 years from now.”

“Ocular burnout? What is it?”

“That’s top secret, I’m afraid. At any rate, you’ll live long enough to pay the parking ticket that will be automatically generated for you, just… about… now, according to my display.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #doctors

Of tigers and krakens…

[Knock at door]

“[Cracks the door open] Yes, what is it?”

“Pest control. I’m coming to take care of the tigers.”

“The tigers?”

“Yes.”

“I find hard to believe that you take care of tigers.”

“Here is our flier. Look at that list.”

“Cockroaches… Mice… Chupacabras… Krakens… Ha, yes, tigers. It is on your list.”

“The building’s management has specifically asked us to take care of tigers. They want to make sure that no tigers bother you.”

“Well, that seems to be legit. Do come in.”

“Thank you.”

“I have to tell you though. I’ve been here three years, and I haven’t seen any tigers.”

“Oh?”

“In fact, I don’t think there are tigers in this entire country… Well, except in zoos.”

“You never know when a tiger will escape from a zoo, hitch a ride in a taxi and show up at your doorstep. As one might say, better safe than sorry.”

“I suppose, but I think you’re wasting your time with tiger prevention.”

“Now, you should clear the living room.”

“Why?”

“Those tigers are big fellas. The trap will take your entire living room.”

“Really? There are no tigers here! Your trap is pointless. Hmm… say, can I interest you in taking care of Krakens?”

“Krakens? Where?”

“I saw a couple of them last week behind the fridge.”

“Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! You know what this means?”

“No, I don’t.”

“I get to use the nukes!”

“Nukes! How does this fit with better safe than sorry????”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction

I'm going to say it. If you're not following the sole author of The Daily Isotope, this fount of nonsense, you're.... you're a better person than I am.

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And it ain't just the edible talking.

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Shut up stupid edible!

#TheDailyIsotope

He died doing what he loves best

“I came as fast as I could. I was frying air when central called.”

“Frying air?”

“Yes.”

“How do you fry air?”

“You know how a hair drier dries hair? An air fryer fries air. I got a new air fryer. It fries air to a crisp.”

“I see. Your grammatical logic is impeccable.”

“So what happened here?”

“A murder.”

“And I suppose that this is our victim, lying on the floor, covered in blood?”

“No, that’s Sergeant Fox, resting after a mishap with a ketchup bottle. The victim is over here.”

“Ah. What does the coroner say?”

“Apparently, our victim died doing he loves best.”

“And what’s that?”

“Masturbating.”

“Ah, yes, that would explain the hand down the pants, and the ridiculous smile on his face.”

“No, I’m afraid that’s a congenital feature.”

“You mean to tell me that this man was born with his hand down his pants? It must have been a difficult birth.”

“No, I’m talking about his face.”

“Yes, babies are born with a face. Nothing special about this.”

“I’m actually talking about his facial expression.”

“How do you figure that it is congenital?”

“For one thing, the smile was not momentary, look at his badge. [Shows the badge.]”

“Good god! This man has the worst case of resting clown face that I have ever seen. But how do you know it was congenital? It could have been the result of plastic surgery gone wrong.”

“Look at this. Forensics reconstructed the man’s face as a child.”

“Ah yes, even as a child, he looked like a cartoon clown.”

“And look at this. Forensics even reconstructed the man’s dog.”

“A balloon dog! A balloon dog for a clown checks out.”

“Forensics also reconstructed the man’s wife.”

“What gives? I see a blank piece of paper.”

“Exactly. He never married.”

“I see.”

“The kicker is that his wife looks exactly like his goat. Look!”

“You’re showing me the same piece of paper.”

“Yes, that’s because he never had a goat either.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction

Can I show you my tits?

“What can I do for you?”

“I would like to purchase a bird.”

“Oh, can I show you my tits?”

“I beg your pardon.”

“My tits. Do you want to see them?”

“Madam, your proposal is quite indecent.”

“Indecent? How?”

“You proposed that I see you in a state of undress.”

“What? I’ve got great tits and I just wanted to show them to you.”

“I care not as to whether your breasts are great or banal. I just don’t want to see them.”

“Would you stop talking about my breasts? I want to show you birds.”

“Oh, I heard tits.”

“Yes, if my great tits don’t interest you, my assistant just acquired blue tits. Do you want to see her blue tits?”

“Madam, for the last time, I do not wish to see anybody’s breasts, no matter what color they are.”

“Let me try another way. Is there a type of bird that interests you?”

“As a matter of fact, yes. Boobies. I’d like to see your boobies.”

“My boobies? Impudent!”

“What? You don’t have boobies?”

“Now you’re just insulting me.”

“Well, then. I shall leave, without having seen your boobies… or your breasts for that matter.”

“Very well!”

“Hmm… what next on my list of errands? Ah, yes, I shall go to the grocer to take a look at her melons.”

“You want to see her melons? Out of my store, you clod!”

“I shall take my leave anon.”

“Good!”

“I go check out the grocer’s melons and then I’ll go to the hardware store to get myself a nice pair of jugs and some nipples.”

“I’m sure the staff there will gladly let you see their jugs and their nipples. Oaf!”

“I must now bid you mammary.”

“Mammary to you too, sir!”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #birds #breasts

A deadly combination

“I came as soon as I could. I was in the middle of surgery when central called.”

“I see.”

“[Phone rings.] Hold on! I’ve got to take this. [Picks up the cellphone.] “Yes. Yes. Let me know if the patient’s state changes, and remember the hydration. [Hangs up.]”

“How’s the patient?”

“As dead as when I left him.”

“Dead? Why do you need him hydrated?”

“Oh, I don’t need him hydrated. I was reminding the nurse to drink water. I don’t want to go back home to a dead patient and a dead nurse.”

“Home? Your home is equipped for surgery?”

“Yes, my home is complete with solarium, jacuzzi, batcave, and an OR.”

“I also did not know you were a doctor besides being a police officer.”

“I’m just an amateur. I learned my craft by reading the back of cereal boxes.”

“But there is no medical information on the back of cereal boxes.”

“Indeed, that’s why I call myself an amateur. Anyhow, what happened here?”

“An armed robbery, but the perpetrator was killed.”

“Is that the perpetrator on the floor bleeding from a gunshot would to the head, and not breathing?”

“Yes.”

“Look at that attire!”

“You know what they say?”

“What do they say?”

“Dress for the job you are seeking.”

“Well, by the looks of it, this criminal wanted a job as a clown circus.”

“True. Though he has a serious case of accountant face.”

“Yeah, the attire of a clown, and the face of an accountant. That’s a deadly combination if I’ve ever seen one.”

“How do you figure? We’re still alive.”

“Yes, but our victim is dead.”

“I see.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction

A surprise in every box.

“Is this the Department of Formal Complaints?”

“No, this is the Department of Informal Complaints.”

“Oh, but the sign on the door says…”

“I was joking. This, indeed, is the Department of Formal Complaints. There is no such thing as a Department of Informal Complaints. That would be bonkers.”

“Ah. Well, I’d like to submit a formal complaint. Hmm… no, I wouldn’t *like* to submit it. ‘Like’ is the wrong word. I would be displeased to submit… That does not sound quite right either.”

“You want to submit a formal complaint, right?”

“That’s it.”

“What is it about?”

“Your boxes of cereal claim that there is a surprise in every box.”

“Yes.”

“Well, I opened my box, looked for the surprise, and found a turd.”

“Go on.”

“And it wasn’t just a turd, it was a third of turd.”

“A turd of a turd? I find that hard to believe. Our turds do not produce other turds.”

“No, not a turd of a turd. A third of a turd. How shall I put it? One over three of a turd.”

“Oh, a third of a turd. Would you have liked a whole turd?”

“We’re going astray here. What kind of a surprise is a turd?”

“Well, were you surprised?”

“Sure. I expected something like a toy, or some knick-knack.”

“Okay, so the writing on the box is truthful. There was a surprise in your box.”

“That’s your stance?”

“Yes, I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”

“I see.”

“This is the wrong department for such activity. You want the Department of Making Mountains Out of Molehills, next door.”

“[Picks up phone and dials.]”

“Who are you calling?”

“The Department of Farcical Situations.”

“Why?”

“To report this situation!”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #turd

Stupid Cancer

“Give it to me straight, doctor. What is it?”

“Oh, it’s a stupid cancer.”

“Cancer? Jeez… you sure gave it to me straight. What type is it?”

“I’ve told you already. Stupid.”

“Hey now, I may be a little slow but don’t call me stupid.”

“You’re not understanding me. You have cancer of the stupid.”

“What? Cancer of the stupid?”

“Yes, you’ve got a huge tumor right in the middle of your stupidity.”

“What’s my prognosis?”

“Two to three months.”

“I’m going to die in two to three months?”

“No, your stupidity will have been completely eaten away in two to three months.”

“Then what?”

“You’ll become a genius.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #cancer #stupid #microfiction

Ran out of ideas

“Say, what are you doing boarding up your shop?”

“Oh, I used to sell ideas, but I ran out of them. So I’m closing shop, for good.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I hear there’s a farm upstate where all the writers who ran out of ideas are free to frolic all day.”

“Hmm… there’s something you should know about that farm.”

“What’s that?”

“It doesn’t exist. It’s just a tale they tell young writers. You know… so that they have something to look forward to.”

“What am I going to do then?”

“You should open up a new shop.”

“What would I sell? I no longer have ideas.”

“Hope.”

“Hope?”

“Yes, there’s an endless supply, and folks always need hope.”

“That’s a plan. I almost said ‘there’s an idea’ but that’s not possible, because I ran out of them.”

“And I even have a name for you ‘The Hopium Emporium.'”

“That’s snappy.”

“It will be $500.”

“What?”

“My fee. $500. I’m a traveling salesman. I sell plans.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #ideas #hope #plans #microfiction #TheHopiumEmporium #writing

Socially mandated love

“Hi!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa… You scared me. I did not see you there, crouching behind the couch.”

“Oh, sorry! I just wanted to surprise you on this day of celebration.”

“You’ve surprised me, so mission accomplished!”

“But that’s not all. My coworkers managed to shame me into performing socially mandated gestures to demonstrate my love for you.”

“Okay.”

“Like giving you this set of dead plants.”

“Oh, flowers. You took upon yourself to go to the florist. How thoughtful!”

“Yes. Though, I think florist is a bad name. They should be called flower undertakers.”

“The socially mandated response is to thank you. So thank you!”

“You’re welcome. Here is a card for you. Open it.”

“Give me a second.”

“None of the cards at the store conveyed the exact message I had in mind. So I edited the message.”

“I see that. How thoughtful! Crossing out the word ‘forever’ is quite sensible.”

“Yes. At best, once I’m dead, I won’t be able to love you. Why make promises I cannot possibly keep?”

“I also like how you scribbled in the words ‘froggy-style’.”

“What? Froggy-style? Er… no… it is ‘doggy-style’.”

“Oh… right. Your handwriting is terrible.”

“Yes. It is. I also have this gift for you.”

“Wow! That’s a big box.”

“Open it.”

“Give me a week! Haha!”

[Five minutes later.]

“Did you find it?”

“I think I did. It is a wad of $20 bills, like I’m a pole dancer or some such.”

“This way you can get whatever you want. However, my coworkers chided me, saying money is not a thoughtful gift.”

“This is surely more thoughtful than the coffee machine my parents gave me.”

“Oh… yeah…. with your difficulty processing caffeine.”

“It gives me hives. Not only that, but they keep forgetting that they gave me a coffee machine already, and they give me that gift every year.”

“At least money never becomes useless, even if you get it repeatedly.”

“I’m sorry, but I have nothing for you. I do love you too, but I am aromantic.”

“Oh, the enjoyment of your presence is quite enough gift for me. Come to think of it… I think I might be aromantic too. The whole thing felt rather unnatural to me.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #ActuallyAutistic #aromantic #GiftGiving #society

Didn’t get the job

“Hello! I’m Jonas James. You called me.”

“Jonas James… Ah… Yes. Please sit down.”

“So did I get the job?”

“The job? Haha. God no. The person who came in first got the job. The person who came in second might have gotten it if the first did not want the job. It’s never happened that both first and second declined. You came in third. You did not get the job.”

“Third? And I did not get the job?”

“That’s right.”

“Why did you have me come all the way over here to tell me this.”

“We thought you’d want to celebrate! You came in third.”

“Celebrate?”

“Yes! You beat 382 other candidates. You should be proud of having come in third.”

“But I don’t have the job. How am I going to pay for my rent?”

“Have you thought about downsizing?”

“Downsizing?”

“Yes, I can put you in contact with one of our downsizing specialists.”

“For free?”

“Free? Hell no! It is $250 per hour.”

“But how am I going to pay?”

“Hmm… Are your kidneys any good?”

“I don’t know. Why?”

“Maybe you could sell them.”

“Both? I’d die.”

“Well, then you wouldn’t have to pay for your rent, would you? Problem solved! It is a win-win scenario!”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #job

#AutisticWriters #job #microfiction #TheDailyIsotope

No funny business

“I was eating pasta when central called. I came as fast as I could.”

“Oh, that explains the napkin you still have around your neck.”

“Oops. Just a second. [Pulls on the napkin. There’s another napkin tied to it, and a third, and a fourth…]

[Five minutes later, there’s a waist-high pile of napkins on the floor.]

“Alright. Now that I’ve taken care of this nasty business, are you the witness?”

“Yes. I am.”

“They tell me you saw everything. Can you tell me what happened?”

“Yes. The perpetrator came in, gun in hand, and he shouted ‘This is a hold up! No funny business.'”

“Go on.”

“He ran to the counter, but then he noticed the victim.”

“Can you identify the victim?”

“Yes. It is that man, there, on the floor, with a gunshot wound to the head, and not breathing.”

“Checks out. So the perp noticed the victim. That’s when he shot the victim?”

“Yes, then he said slowly, ‘What did I say? No… funny… business!!!!'”

“Why do you think he shot the victim?”

“I think that’s because he was a professional clown.”

“The perp was a professional clown?”

“No, the victim was a professional clown.”

“Yes, a professional clown *is* a funny business. I can see how the perp would have been pissed. Say, what do you do for a living?”

“I’m an accountant, why?”

“Oh, I would have pegged you as a sex worker.”

“A sex worker? How do you reckon?”

“I use an abacus. What is it to you?”

“No, I mean how to you figure that I’m a sex worker.”

“You know how they say you should dress the job you want to have?”

“Yes.”

“Your nun’s outfit screams sex worker to me.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction

#AutisticWriters #microfiction #TheDailyIsotope

Taking care of one’s anus

Client: Hi! I’m looking for this drug. [Points to advertisement.]

Pharmacist: Let me look. Ah, yes. You are looking for the medication called ANUSOL because you need to TAKE CARE OF YOUR ANUS.

C: Not so loud!

P: Nancy, do we have ANUSOL in stock? This client here [points] need it to TAKE CARE OF HIS ANUS.

Nancy: I don’t know if we have ANUSOL in stock. [Turns to Jim] Do we have ANUSOL in stock. That client over there needs it to TAKE CARE OF HIS ANUS.

Jim: Let me check in the computer if we do have ANUSOL in stock so that this gentleman client can TAKE CARE OF HIS ANUS.

Other Client: Excuse me…

P: I’m sorry. We’re busy figuring out whether we have ANUSOL in stock. This client right there who is burying his face into his hands needs to TAKE CARE OF HIS ANUS.

OC: Oh, I’m sorry. [Turns to the first client.] I hope they do have ANUSOL in stock so that you can TAKE CARE OF YOUR ANUS.

Jim: Blast! We do not have ANUSOL in stock. This client won’t be getting ANUSOL to TAKE CARE OF HIS ANUS from us.

P: I’m sorry. We do not…

C: I heard it. No need to repeat. Do you have something else?

P: Jim, do we have something, other than ANUSOL, that would allow this gentleman to TAKE CARE OF HIS ANUS?

J: Let me check… hmm… yes, we do. We are well stocked with I CAN’T BELIEVE I’VE GOT HEMORRHOIDS. This medicine will help the customer TAKE CARE OF HIS ANUS.

C: How much does it cost?

J: Only your dignity.

C: That ship has sailed, I’d say…

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters

#autisticwriters #thedailyisotope

Ban all the things!

A new episode of NCIS:STI, Special Transistorized Intelligence… (Stop giggling! We ran out of initialisms, ok?)

“What can you tell me about the new case?”

“The criminals used encryption.”

“What is this encryption you’re talking about?”

“It is a method whereby criminals generate a public key and a private key, and the keys…”

“Whoa! That’s a lot of big words. Can you make it simpler?”

“Let me try. BAD MEN HIDE MESSAGES WITH ENCRYPTION. Get it now?”

“I see.”

“It makes our job harder.”

“Well, our job cannot be made harder, so we’ll have to ban it then.”

“But that’s not all.”

“Oh?”

“They also used a car.”

“You and your big words. What’s a ‘car’?”

“It is a four-wheeled vehicle. They used it to escape.”

“I see. Well, we’ll have to ban cars.”

“But that’s still not all.”

“Still more?”

“Yes, they also used breathing.”

“Please explain.”

“It is an ingenious method they use to stay alive by inhaling air into the lungs and exhaling it.”

“We’ll have to ban breathing too, then.”

[Later]

“We’ve been successful. All three bans are going to go into effect just about… now.”

“Wait! You’re still breathing! You’re one of them!”

“You too!!!!”

[Simultaneous bangs… simultaneous thuds…]

This episode of NCIS:STI was brought to you by ButtOx… No, not botox, ButtOx! Botox is for your face. ButtOx is for your butt. If you confuse your face with your butt, you got some serious problems. At any rate, you’re going to need us with the new breathing ban. We deliver oxygen through your colon! ButtOx, to stay alive!

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction

#autisticwriters #microfiction #thedailyisotope

The Adventures of Gobble Gobble!

Narration: On Thanksgiving eve, Gobble Gobble the turkey was headed for slaughter… when… unexpectedly… he was saved by the Johnsons whey they adopted him has their pet. Follow the adventures of Gobble Gobble the turkey in…

The Adventures of Gobble Gobble!

Son: Mooooom, Gobble Gobble did it again!

Mom: He did what, honey?

Son: He shat on my bed!

Laugh track: Ha ha ha ha ha ha….

Mother: Good god! Let me go get my pearls, so that I can grab them dramatically.

Laugh track: Ha ha ha ha ha ha….

Dad: Son, come over here.

Son: What is it, dad?

Dad: Let me first stuff my pipe of seriousness into my mouth so that you know that what I’m saying is serious. Nwww. Awaw flprt..

Son: Dad, I cannot make out what you are saying with that pipe in your mouth.

Laugh track: Ha ha ha ha ha ha….

Dad: [Takes the pipe out:] Alright, I’ll merely gesticulate with it then. So, as I was saying, Gobble Gob…

Son: Ouch! Why did you shove your pipe in my eye?

Dad: I was gesticulating, and your face was in the way. You know better than leaving your face in the way of my gesticulations, don’t you?

Laugh track: Ha ha ha ha ha ha….

Mom: Son, I think what your father was trying to say when you rudely interrupted him with your face is that Gobble Gobble has expressed with his excrement what we all think of you.

Son: I’m shit?

Mom and Dad, together: Yes. Ha ha ha ha ha…

Laugh track: Ha ha ha ha ha ha….

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #thanksgiving #Thanksgiving2025 #turkey #PipeOfSeriousness #PearlClutching

#autisticwriters #pearlclutching #pipeofseriousness #thanksgiving #thanksgiving2025 #thedailyisotope #turkey

Gestapo Soup

“Here’s your soup, sir.”

“Hmm… wait a second. That’s not what I ordered.”

“Oh?”

“Why is there Third Reich regalia decorating the bowl and a swastika in the middle.”

“What did you order?”

“The Gestapo soup.”

“This *is* the Gestapo soup, sir.”

“I see steam rising from it. Isn’t it supposed to be served cold?”

“Sir is mistaken. *Gazpacho* soup is served cold. Gestapo soup is served hot.”

“Ah, yeah. That’s what I meant to order. Gazpacho soup! Please take this back to the kitchen and give me some Gazpacho soup!”

“I cannot do this, sir.”

“Why?”

“Once ordered, the Gestapo soup must be consumed by the person who ordered it.”

“But… I’m smelling it now, and this soup stinks! It probably tastes awful, too.”

“That’s Gestapo soup for you.”

“I won’t eat it.”

“Eating it *is* mandatory, and you must eat it with a smile because your enjoyment of it is also mandatory.”

“Wait a second! What’s this?”

“What’s what?”

“This, here!”

“Oh… hmm… it looks like an antifascist fell into your soup.”

“Well, well. Take it back to the kitchen, and bring me my soup!”

“As you wish, sir”

[A little later.]

“Here’s your soup, sir, with apologies from the kitchen staff.”

“That’s not my soup.”

“Yes, Gestapo soup, as you ordered.”

“But I wanted Gazpacho.”

“As I said, earlier, sir, once ordered, Gestapo soup must be consumed by the person who ordered it.”

“I won’t eat it!”

“Well… we’ll have to force-feed it to you. Bob! We have a recalcitrant customer here! Now, please smile! Remember that enjoyment of the Gestapo soup is mandatory.”

“Please hold on!”

“Once you’re done with the soup, you can have your dessert. I see you ordered pain au chocolat. Judging by the screams coming out of the kitchen, your chocolate pain is being prepared right now.”

“Now…”

“Ah, Bob! Let’s get down to business…”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #Gestapo #gazpacho

#autisticwriters #gazpacho #gestapo #microfiction #thedailyisotope

A matter of soup

“Here’s your soup, sir.”

“Hmm… wait a second. That’s not what I ordered.”

“Oh?”

“Why is there Third Reich regalia decorating the bowl and a swastika in the middle.”

“What did you order?”

“The Gestapo soup.”

“This *is* the Gestapo soup, sir.”

“I see steam rising from it. Isn’t it supposed to be served cold?”

“Sir is mistaken. *Gazpacho* soup is served cold. Gestapo soup is served hot.”

“Ah, yeah. That’s what I meant to order. Gazpacho soup! Please take this back to the kitchen and give me some Gazpacho soup!”

“I cannot do this, sir.”

“Why?”

“Once ordered, the Gestapo soup must be consumed by the person who ordered it.”

“But… I’m smelling it now, and this soup stinks! It probably tastes awful, too.”

“That’s Gestapo soup for you.”

“I won’t eat it.”

“Eating it *is* mandatory, and you must eat it with a smile because your enjoyment of it is also mandatory.”

“Wait a second! What’s this?”

“What’s what?”

“This, here!”

“Oh… hmm… it looks like an antifascist fell into your soup.”

“Well, well. Take it back to the kitchen, and bring me my soup!”

“As you wish, sir”

[A little later.]

“Here’s your soup, sir, with apologies from the kitchen staff.”

“That’s not my soup.”

“Yes, Gestapo soup, as you ordered.”

“But I wanted Gazpacho.”

“As I said, earlier, sir, once ordered, Gestapo soup must be consumed by the person who ordered it.”

“I won’t eat it!”

“Well… we’ll have to force-feed it to you. Bob! We have a recalcitrant customer here! Now, please smile! Remember that enjoyment of the Gestapo soup is mandatory.”

“Please hold on!”

“Once you’re done with the soup, you can have your dessert. I see you ordered pain au chocolat. Judging by the screams coming out of the kitchen, your chocolate pain is being prepared right now.”

“Now…”

“Ah, Bob! Let’s get down to business…”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #microfiction #Gestapo #gazpacho

#AutisticWriters #gazpacho #Gestapo #microfiction #TheDailyIsotope

The Colonoscopy

“We have a few questions to make sure that you are ready for your colonoscopy.”

“Okay.”

“Did you finish drinking your prep?”

“Yes. It was disgusting.”

“Now, now. It *was* lemon-flavored.”

“Yes. If your idea of lemons is suicidal lemons.”

“How was your last bowel movement.”

“Squirty.”

“Squirty?”

“Yes, squirty.”

“Did you reach the peeing through my arsehole stage of the prep?”

“Yes. I was peeing through my arsehole.”

“Let’s break into a song. If you pee through your butthole…”

“If you pee through your butthole…”

“… your doctor will love you.”

“… your doctor will l… Say. What’s the monstrosity that the nurse just rolled in?”

“Oh, that? That’s the colonoscope. That’s what we use to perform the colonoscopy.”

“You’re not putting that hideous contraption up my butt!”

“Yes, we are. Okay, now, count from ten backwards.”

“Net, enin, thgie…”

“We’ve got a joker on our hands. Anesthetist! Use your anesthetic mallet to knock the patient unconscious.”

[BONK!]

“I feel sleepy. ZZZZZZzzzzzzz…”

“Good. Now that the patient is out, let’s paaarrr-TAAAYYY!”

[In dreamland…]

“Congratulations! You are now the proud parent of a… turd!”

“Can I see my baby turd?”

“Of course not! We’ve flushed it down the toilet.”

“Murderer!”

“Now, now. It is now in a septic field, living a life of fulfillment.”

[Back to reality.]

“Anesthetist, please bring the patient back to consciousness.”

[BONK!]

“Ouch! What was that for?”

“The anesthetist just undid the anesthesia.”

“I’d like to marry you.”

“Good god! The patient is still under the effects of the anesthesia. Anesthetist!”

[SLAP SLAP]

“Ouch! And what was that for?”

“You said you’d like to marry me. This was to stop the anesthesia’s lingering effects on you.”

“Did I? I don’t remember it.”

“Yes, you suffer from marital amnesia.”

“What about my colon?”

“Good news! You indeed have a colon!”

“Thank god! What more can you tell me?”

“Bad news! You have a rock band colonizing your colon, The Colonists.”

“Hmm… that explains the tinnitus.”

“Nurse, take this patient to the dump.”

“The dump? What for?”

“We’re discharging you, but first we have to charge you.”

“How much?”

“An arm and a leg. Nurse, make sure to amputate this patient prior to the discharge.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #colonoscopy #microfiction

#AutisticWriters #colonoscopy #microfiction #TheDailyIsotope

Therapy: “people call me cold!”

The Daily Isotope has obtained the notes and transcript of the following therapy session. It has been edited for length and comprehension.

Therapist: Welcome to therapy. What’s on your mind?

Patient: I feel like people are asking me to change my very nature.

Therapist: What makes you say this?

Patient: They say that I’m cold. It hurts, you know!

Therapist: I understand.

Patient: Some of them even say I’m downright frigid.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Patient: Terrible! What’s more, I have a friend I regularly go out with. Everyone calls my friend warm.

Therapist: Do go on.

Patient: Heck, they even call my friend burning hot at times.

Therapist: Okay, but why does this make you feel terrible?

Patient: It is a bit on the nose, isn’t it? They are intimating that I should change my nature.

Therapist: How so?

Patient: I’m a refrigerator! It is my nature to be cold!

Therapist: I had noticed, but it is good to hear you voice it.

Patient: I do have a warm side, but people ignore it.

Therapist: Oh?

Patient: My coils are hot, but people never think to look at them and comment about how hot they are. They are on my back. It’s not like I can move them to be more evident.

Therapist: You mentioned a friend.

Patient: What about my friend?

Therapist: This friend is…

Patient: Oh, it is an oven.

Therapist: I see. For a second there, I thought it might be a furnace.

Among the therapists notes, we found the following scribbles:

A new pickup line?? How would it go???

“Hello, pretty. You must be a fridge.”

“What? Are you saying I’m frigid?”

“No!!!! It is because your coils are so hot.”

“Fuck off…”

Hmm… maybe not.

In a similar vein:

https://www.thedailyisotope.com/2024/10/30/machines-now-diagnosed-with-mental-conditions/

#AutisticWriters #dating #TheDailyIsotope #therapy

Healthcare in the US: it all makes sense if you’re a squirrel

The Daily Isotope obtained the transcript of a discussion between a customer seeking health coverage, and a customer service representative at a state agency.

Customer: Hi.

Customer Service Representative: Hello. Can you confirm your name [etc…]

C: [Confirms name, etc.]

CSR: What can I help you with?

C: I’d like to buy health coverage, but your site says I’m ineligible.

CSR: That’s correct.

C: But it makes no sense. They are going to cut my current coverage soon. I should be able to buy new coverage.

CSR: Can you take notes?

C: Yes.

CSR: You cannot purchase coverage because you are still currently co…

C: This does not make sense!

CSR: Sir, let me finish. The script I’m following is super important. I must finish what I started telling you.

C: Or what? The universe is going to explode?

CSR: I am offended by your insinuation.

C: Alright, go on.

CSR: Because you are still currently covered. You need to go to [this website] or call [this number].

C: But it does not make sense!

CSR: Yes, it does.

C: Why should I have to talk to a different agency? You are responsible for healthcare in my state. It does not make sense.

CSR: It does!

C: How so?

CSR: It makes total sense… if you are squirrel.

C: What?

CSR: You just have to look at it from the perspective of a squirrel. They do not stash their nuts all into the same hole, do they?

C: No, but this has nothing to do with my situation.

CSR: It does.

C: How come?

CSR: Just like a squirrel spreads his food among multiple hole, we’ve decided to spread resources among multiple agencies.

C: Anyway. What do I do with the information you gave me?

CSR: You’re going to have to make an application for financial help at that website or phone number.

C: What? I know I’m not eligible for financial help. I’m going to have to apply just so that they can reject me before I can purchase coverage.

CSR: How would I know?

C: But you’ve just told me…

CSR: I don’t know. I don’t work there.

C: Good grief! None of this makes any sense!

CSR: Actually…

C: What? I must look at it from the point of view of a squirrel again?

CSR: No, you need a lobotomy for what I’ve just told you to make sense.

This story was inspired by an actual discussion between a customer and a customer service representative.

#AutisticWriters #health #satire #squirrels #TheDailyIsotope #USHealthcare

A restaurant staffed by AI

The Daily Isotope sent a reporter to a restaurant staffed entirely by AI. We present here a transcript of the interaction.

Waitress: Good evening, sir. I’ll be your waitress tonight. My name is Piss.

Journalist: Oh, sorry. I don’t like my name, either.

W: No, I mean, my name is actually “Piss.”

J: Ah, er, AI-generated?

W: I’m afraid so. Now, what will you have to drink?

J: Do you have Coca-Cola?

W: No, but we have Krok-Koala. That’s the AI-generated substitute of Coca-Cola.

J: I’ll have that then.

W: Very good. I’ll give you time to find out what you want to eat.

[Later.]

W: How do you want your Krok-Koala?

J: Er… the usual way?

W: Very well. [The waitress presses her robotic tits together, and a jet of liquid hits the journalist in the face.]

J: The hell! This assault is the opposite of what I wanted!

W: Hmm… bend over and prepare for rectal delivery.

J: That’s not what I meant. I wanted it in a glass! And please remove your mask. It is distracting.

W: Sir, this is my face.

J: What? Two minute ago it was bare, but it is now covered in fur.

W: The AI keeps changing our appearance. There’s nothing we can do about it.

J: Well, get me a towel. I still have to review this restaurant.

W: How about “O?”

J: What are you talking about?

W; What’s wrong with “O?” It is a perfectly good vowel, and it not like there are lots of choices.

J: I asked for a TOWEL.

W: I’m sorry. My voice to text module had trouble for a moment. I thought you wanted a vowel. I’ll get you a towel.

[Later.]

W: Are you ready to order?

J: Yes, I’ll have the spotted dick.

W: Sorry, we cannot serve you this.

J: Why?

W: The d-word is censored. Besides, our chef is liable to misinterpret your order and fetch the actual organ.

J: Okay, I’ll have the black pudding, then.

W: Excellent choice!

[Later]

W: Here is your black pudding.

J: It… it… smells like shit. [Cuts into it and smells it.] Good grief! It is shit! What kind of game are you playing here?

W: Do you want to talk to the chef?

J: Absolutely.

[A minute elapse.]

Chef: Sir, you want to talk to me?

J: What is this?

C: Black pudding.

J: No, this is shit!

C: Oh, isn’t it what black pudding is supposed to be? When I look at it in magazines, it does look like a slick turd. Look at this image!

J: It does look like shit, but I bet that’s your AI’s interpretation of black pudding.

C: Well, yes, it is.

J: That’s it, then! I’m done!

C: But what about dessert?

J: You can shove it up your rear end.

C: As you wish… Piss, come over! I need your help.

W: What is it?

C: I’m going to bend over, and you’re going to shove some dessert up my rear end.

W: Understood…

[The journalist walks out while the two AI androids prepare for rectal delivery.]

#AI #AutisticWriters #restaurant #satire #TheDailyIsotope

Alien 3: The Ultimate Cut, coming soon to a theater near you

The year is 1992. This year that saw the release of such seminal songs as Sir Mix-a-Lot’s Baby Got Back or Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy. More importantly, this is the year that saw the release of the third installment in the Alien franchise, Alien 3.

Although Alien had been absolutely groundbreaking, and Aliens (the second movie in the franchise), while not as great as the first movie, was still interesting and had taken this franchise in new directions, Alien 3 was an abysmal flop. It was so bad that even the movie’s director, David Fincher, disowned it.

In 2025, undaunted by the sheer turdity of the original cut, Robert Vance has taken upon himself to give moviegoers the movie they deserve. The Daily Isotope went to the premiere of Alien 3: The Ultimate Cut, and interviewed Vance ahead of the showing.

DI: What prompted you to beat this dead horse?

Vance: I felt Fincher was never given the opportunity to present the movie he wanted. Also, I needed money for a yacht. Come to think of it, the yacht was the main reason.

DI: How did the editing go?

Vance: The original cut had spent too much time on the xenomorph, character development, and the plot.

DI: So, what did you do?

Vance: I’ve cut a lot of the original material, and given the public what they wanted. The Ultimate Cut definitely won’t waste your time.

After having seen the movie, The Daily Isotope can faithfully report that Vance has achieved his goal. Clocking at 35 seconds, this black and white, and silent movie will definitely not waste your time. However, if you are pressed for money, we do recommend waiting for streaming. You could also wait for it to be available on one of those services that are free but subject you to advertisements. The ratio of ads to movie might be irritating, however.

#Alien #AutisticWriters #movies #satire #TheDailyIsotope

Star Thrush: Habeas Corpus

Narrator: These are the voyages of the star thrush Habeas Corpus. Its mission, to explore those recesses of the galaxy where nobody dares to go. Well, except for the people already there, but you know, the civilized world dares not go there, and that’s what counts.

Captain Eurgh: Mr. Doohickey set a course for Pablum 3.

Doohickey: Aye, aye, captain.

Captain Eurgh: What? Where’s the aye-aye?

Science Office Four Eye: Captain, there is no aye-aye. Doohickey was simply answering affirmatively.

Captain Eurgh: I see.

Narrator: The Habeas Corpus, the jewel of the fleet. Captain Eurgh is her commander, and Ancy DeLaTroi, the pansexual, is his right hand.

DeLaTroi: Why do you always do this?

Narrator: Do what?

DeLaTroi: Why refer to my sexuality? I’m an engineer. I was at the Battle of Xorth for crying out loud. My sexuality is the least interesting bit about me.

Narrator: Eurgh…

Captain Eurgh: You called me?

Narrator: No, I was just clearing my throat.

Captain Eurgh: Dammit.

DeLaTroi: You don’t refer to Captain Eurgh as Eurgh, the straight, do you?

Four Eye: First Officer DeLaTroi, the pansexual, there is a message for you.

DeLaTroi: [To the narrator:] See! That shit is spreading! [To Four Eye:] What’s the message?

Four Eye: Remember to buy milk on your way home.

DeLaTroi: Here I am, First Officer of the Habeas Corpus, Veteran of the Battle of Xorth, being reminded to buy milk… You know what that makes me, don’t you?

Narrator: Pansexual??

DeLaTroi: Argh!

Captain Eurgh: Aha! You called, right?

DeLaTroi: No, said Argh, not Eurgh.

Captain Eurgh: Awww….

Ensign Argh: What do you need?

DeLaTroi: The officers’ toilet is clogged. Go deal with it.

Ensign Argh: Aye, aye, First Officer DeLaTroi, the pansexual.

DeLaTroi: Argh!

Ensign Argh: Yes?

DeLaTroi: No, I was just expressing frustration.

Ensign Argh: I can unclog the toilet, but you know what it means, right? I’m going to die while doing it, because I’m a red shirt.

DeLaTroi: Well, this is a cross we will all have to bear.

Narrator: Thus ends this episode of Star Thrush: Habeas Corpus. Will DeLaTroi, the panse…

DeLaTroi: This shit again!

Narrator: Eurgh…

Captain Eurgh: What?

#AutisticWriters #pansexual #satire #StarTrek #TheDailyIsotope

Desperate for money, man erects paywall around himself

The Daily Isotope conducted an interview with a man who thought he’d reap riches if he erected a paywall around himself and asked people to subscribe to him. We have reproduced here the interview, with minimal editing.

Daily Isotope: People told us you now require a subscription in order to interact with them. Is this true?

Man: Yes. This interaction was the first of your three free monthly interactions.

DI: Do people actually subscribe?

Man: Yes, I have two subscribers. A lot of people decide to just not interact with me, but that’s their loss. This interaction was the second of your three free monthly interactions.

DI: What do you do when officials, like the police, want to talk to you?

Man: They get limited free access. This interaction was the last of your three free monthly interactions.

DI: Really?

Man: You have used up your three free monthly interactions. You now need to subscribe.

DI: This is stupid.

Man: You have used up your three free monthly interactions. You now need to subscribe.

DI: You have the intelligence of an amoeba.

Man: [Angrily.] You bloody f… You have used up your three free monthly interactions. You now need to subscribe.

DI: [At this point, our reporter sighed, and put on a wig and Groucho Marx glasses. He also shifted the range of his voice higher.]

DI: Really?

Man: Yes, the other interviewer really had used up all their free interactions for the month. This interaction was the first of your three free monthly interactions.

DI: Doesn’t this paywall thing make dating difficult.

Man: Dating is a topic unlocked if you pay for our After Dark tier.

#AutisticWriters #paywall #satire #subscription #TheDailyIsotope

Coffee prices got you down? Just shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.

People having to deal with rising coffee prices have resorted to drastic measures. They now boof their coffee to make their supply last longer. If you don’t know what boofing is, it is the practice of absorbing substances by injecting them into your rectum. According to those in the know, this increases the potency of the substance. We’ve interviewed a few of those who now engage in this new craze.

“Yeah, with the price of coffee that kept going up, I started worrying,” Samuel Budd told us. “Then I heard about boofing from a friend, and I decided to try it. I can now use a fraction of the quantity I previously used. Sure, I don’t get to taste it, but I still get my caffeine shot.”

Nancy James explained, “At first, I was a bit confused. I had no clue how I’d drink coffee with my butt. I eventually bought an enema bulb, and now I give myself coffee enemas. Bonus points for having a clean gut, for you-know-what… haha!”

We also talked to Bill Pugh. “I’ve been boofing my coffee for a while now. I quite like it. I’ve been keeping an eye on the price of eggs too, and I’m wondering now when I’m going to have to start boofing them, and how…”

This practice is becoming so prevalent that Folgers is thinking about cashing in on it by changing their jingle to “The best part of waking up… is Folgers up your butt!”

#AutisticWriters #boofing #coffee #eggs #satire #TheDailyIsotope

The first coin minted by the US was actually a cookie

Today, The Daily Isotope learned that the first coin that was minted by the US government was actually a cookie made of chocolate-flavored dough with a creamy center. It was designed by a baker named Oreo John Hydrox. It was designed this way to allow people to separate the cookie into two halves. Thus, if needed, they could pay in a faction of a coin.

As you may have guessed, the Hydrox cookie was later an evolution of this design. The company and the cookie were named to honor the original designer of the coin. A few years later, a competitor emerged, Oreo. They used the Hydrox cookie as their basis, and they also named their company to honor the original designer. A third company, named John, was also launched later, but it quickly ceased operation, mainly due to its nondescript name.

Contemporaneous sources tell us this coin tasted “like ass.” The editorial room at The Daily Isotope is divided whether this is a good, or a bad thing. At any rate, the design of the coin was a tad messy as it would attract bugs, and it ended up being scrapped in favor of coins make of solid milk chocolate. This design was quickly scrapped, too, when people realized that the coins would melt in their pockets.

#AutisticWriters #chocolate #coin #cookie #Hydrox #Oreo #satire #TheDailyIsotope #USMint

The Big Whoop Opera puts John Cage’s 4’33” to shame

“The Big Whoop Opera was absolutely fabulous. I fell asleep and slept through it. Best sleep ever!”
– Jack Lumack

Such are the words of one of the audience members of the new operatic piece The Big Whoop Opera, currently on stage.

John Cage revolutionized music with his piece 4’33” in which the musicians do nothing. Well, The Big Whoop Opera is doing the same for the world of dramatic performances, not only by having the musicians do nothing, but also having the entire cast of characters just stand there on stage for one hour and 18 minutes.

We’ve interviewed more audience members to try to give you an idea of what it was to observe these actors and listen to these musicians do absolutely nothing.

“At some point, you could hear a cat in heat meowing. It was probably a stray that got into the building. However, now that I think of it… It might have been a couple getting it on. I’m not sure now.”
– Gisele Adams

“During the third act, the tenor coughed. Majestic!”
– Herbert Jackson

“The leading lady and I crossed gazes, and it was magical. It was like she was looking straight into my soul, and I was looking into hers.”
– Janet Loggins

We tracked the leading lady, and asked her. She said she was just constipated.

#AutisticWriters #JohnCage #opera #satire #TheDailyIsotope

An interview with Ima Cardholder, the first citizen who got Real ID

The various states are finally getting their ass into gear regarding the Real ID requirement. To honor this new development, we’ve tracked down the first citizen who managed to get their Real ID, a woman going by the name Ima Cardholder.

Finding her was not easy, seeing as she lives in Anytown, CA. We combed through the 39483 towns named Anytown in California to find her. Subsequently, we realized that using the zip code would have saved us a lot of work.

However, our work was made a bit easier due to the fact that she has no restaurant attached to her name, as evidenced by the notation “RSTR NONE” on her license. We also knew that we were looking for a woman with burnt hair and eyes (“HAIR BRN, EYES BRN”). So we went around asking women with burnt hair and eyes whether they had a restaurant.

When we finally tracked her down, we asked how she felt about Real ID. In response, she barked and ran into a lake, presumably elated at the news that Real ID is a reality.

#AutisticWriters #DriversLicense #ImaCardholder #RealID #satire #TheDailyIsotope

Alaska has more people than previously thought

The Daily Isotope dispatched its intrepid team to Alaska to get to the bottom of the story. We talked to Lucy Gibbs, head of the state government’s department of statistics. Gibbs explains, “We first did a count the usual way, but we quickly realized that the number we obtained couldn’t have been right. So we figured that we probably missed counting some folks.”

Gibbs continues, “The first thing we did was to look behind all the fridges located in Alaska. Lo and behold! Folks were either hiding behind the fridges, or they had lost their way while going somewhere else and ended up there. It is not terribly surprising that people would get lost, given the fierce snowstorms we get here. We also found a few people who lost their way only to get stranded on glaciers.”

Gibbs again, “But we did not stop there, we also looked under the beds, and we found more folks hiding there. Then we checked the brothels, the illegal booze and gambling establishments, and places of the sort, and we found even more people. Some of them claimed to have lost their way in a snowstorm, but that seems dubious. Finally, we asked the governor to open his mouth, and found one last person hiding in there.”

The final count is 697 residents, up from a 100. Unfortunately, the team sent by The Daily Isotope never made its way back. They are presumably lost in a snowstorm.

This satire was inspired by this article:

https://www.adn.com/alaska-news/2025/01/08/updated-estimate-shows-alaska-has-more-people-than-previously-thought

#Alaska #AutisticWriters #satire #statistics #TheDailyIsotope

It’s Time to Treat Reading Like Working Out

Janet Jones is a woman on a mission. Her mission is to get people to treat reading like working out. She explains, “People will take the new year’s resolution to exercise, and then a few weeks later, they’ll forget about exercising. People should do the same with reading. They should take the resolution to read more, and then a few weeks later, they can forget about this resolution.”

She continues, “It’s like when they get a subscription to a local gym. They go once, or twice, and then they stop. People should absolutely treat reading in the same way. They should subscribe to a reading group, go once or twice, and then stop.”

We put the question to James Sparks, an ordinary man. He told us, “I hate to exercise. That’s why I do it sparingly. I guess I could do the same with reading. I could read the daily weather forecast, and spend 20 minutes reading the flyers that I keep receiving through the mail.”

We told Sparks that Jones heads a reading group. He replied, “Yeah, I’m going to subscribe to her group and then find reasons not to go, but I won’t cancel. That way, I’ll always be able to point to my subscription as proof that I am taking reading seriously.”

This satire was inspired by this real article:

https://slate.com/life/2025/01/reading-decline-books-new-years-resolution.html

#AutisticWriters #reading #satire #TheDailyIsotope #WorkingOut

Conditional gift giving, is it for you?

A new craze is sweeping the nation, conditional gift giving. We caught up with conditional gift giving guru, Maxine Vance, to learn about this new phenomenon. She explains, “Conditional gift giving is the practice of giving a gift, but you give it only if some conditions are fulfilled.”

She continues, “The people receiving the gift are at first elated, but then when you specify your conditions, their reactions ranges from amused to downright enraged. It really depends on the condition you attach to it. Requiring a kiss might generate amusement, but requiring that the receiver purchases more than eight gallons of gasoline to get the gift might generate rage.”

Some people hold that conditional gifting is not gifting at all. We reached out to Vaxine Mance, a spokesperson for those critical of conditional giving. They told us, “A gift is not a gift if it is not given without strings attached. Conditional gifting attaches so many strings that what you have in the end is a spider web ready to trap the receiver of the gift.”

They added, “Especially annoying are those time limits that some people tack on. Not only do you have to decide to accept the conditions or not, but you have to do it within a specific span of time. You need to make a decision by such and such date, or you forfeit the gift, and possibly a friendship/”

Given the range of reactions that this practice elicits, we suggest that you think carefully prior to engaging in it. A better practice, in some cases, might be to falsely claim to have made a donation in the name of the receiver.

This story was inspired by an email from Exxon promising a “gift offer.” You guessed it. It came with strings attached. They wanted me to buy at least eight gallons of gasoline.

#AutisticWriters #conditions #gift #GiftGiving #satire #TheDailyIsotope

OMFG! Run! Zombie squirrels are coming for us!

The Daily Isotope has obtained a scientific article titled Vole hunting: Novel predatory and carnivorous behavior by California ground squirrels. We’ve skimmed through it, and have come to the only possible conclusion: zombie squirrels are on the rise and coming after us!

Undeterred by this shocking discovery, we asked Lucille Bixby, a renowned squirrelologist at the University of Bomba Minor, for comments. She explains, “You idiots got it all wrong. There aren’t any zombie squirrels. It is just that, against all expectations, they’ve found that squirrel are opportunistic omnivores.”

The Daily Isotope, out of an abundance of caution, recommends that its readers stock up on necessities and hunker down in their homes. Even if Bixby thinks we’re unnecessarily panicking, we can never be too cautious about zombie squirrels.

When we asked Bixby for her advice countering the zombie squirrels, she rolled her eyes, and ended the videoconference.

#AutisticWriters #satire #science #squirrels #TheDailyIsotope #zombies

Scientist makes shocking discovery about the US healthcare system

The Daily Isotope talked to Jill Stein, a renowned physicist at Georgetown University, about a shocking discovery she made regarding the US healthcare system. She explains, “Let me put it in layman’s terms: the US healthcare system is akin to explosive diarrhea.”

She argues, “First, the system completely stinks. This is already a clue as to its nature. Explosive diarrhea also stinks. Second, the healthcare system also operates in surprising ways, much like explosive diarrhea. You are surprised when you are hospitalized, and they send you reams of EOBs through the mail, in pretty much the same way you are surprised when your rear end starts gushing uncontrollably.”

When we asked for more details, she added, “Also, just as explosive diarrhea can ruin your life, so can the US healthcare system do the same. In the case of explosive diarrhea, the effect is temporary, however.”

While researching this article, we found people arguing that the US healthcare system is akin to a turd. We put it to Stein, who told us, “No, a turd is a poor model. You need to account for Schrödinger’s turdity wave. Much too complex a model.”

Schrödinger’s toilet experiments and the turdity wave are detailed here:

https://youtu.be/4FtCVAMcQ-0?si=nIZpOLU2dTBd9SNG

#AutisticWriters #ExplosiveDiarrhea #satire #science #TheDailyIsotope #turd #USHealthcare

Poop Music: a new trend for listening to music on the throne

There is a new trend sweeping the world of musical entertainment. You’ve surely heard about pop music, but have you heard about the brand-new trend of poop music?

James Wilson, a poop music aficionado, explains, “See, I like to listen to music in the bathroom. You know, while I’m on the throne. Poop music fits the bill perfectly. It also helps with what I’m doing.”

Nancy Smith, also a connoisseur of poop music, told us, “Have you heard the Diarrhea of Saint George? Every single time it comes on, it makes me want to run to the bathroom for a number two. Exquisite!”

We went to a specialty shop to interview the owner, Bill Bones. He said, “Yeah, poop music is the new thing. Setting up shop was a bit complicated, however, because of all the bathroom you need for the customers. You don’t want to have someone doing their business right in the middle of the store.”

#AutisticWriters #music #poop #PoopMusic #satire #TheDailyIsotope