#autisticwriters — Public Fediverse posts

Five Years In Remission

I entered remission five years ago on February 11th 2021.

It’s been a wild ride, to say the least.

Ultimately, everybody’s journey through cancer is their own. If you’re a cancer survivor too, your journey is not my journey, and my journey is not your journey, no matter how similar they may be. Some people never make it through. A sobering thought.

A cancer diagnosis is often a gut punch, but my diagnosis came as a relief to me. Prior to it, I had been slowly dying for months, but I did not know why or have a plan to deal with this slow death. My PCNS lymphoma diagnosis not only told me why I was dying, but it provided me with a plan: first chemo and then a stem cell transplant.

So I underwent treatment. After two rounds of chemo, the tumor was gone from my brain. After five rounds, I was declared to be in remission. Its now been five years since I entered remission, and my latest MRI, done in January of this year, indicates that my brain is still free from cancer. If I had gotten this disease 35 years ago, I would not have been so lucky. I would have died, pure and simple. Medicine has advanced.

After the chemo, I had a stem cell transplant. They extracted stem cells from my body, kept them in storage, destroyed my immune system, and finally they reinjected my stem cells so that I could rebuild my immune system. My entire treatment happened at the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, and yet, I never caught this disease.

It’s been a wild ride, I tell you!

My cancer was not the cause of my divorce, but it was a catalyst. My ex-wife and I had already been seeing a marriage counselor a good two years before my cancer showed up. After my treatment, I just did not see myself enduring through this marriage if nothing changed. I tried to change things, but it was in vain. So my ex-wife and I divorced. It is not what I would have wanted, but it was the way forward.

As we were discussing the divorce, I figured that there was no longer any reason for me to hide from the world the fact that I’m not straight, but pansexual. I knew since my teenage years that I wasn’t straight, and even told my wife before we got married that I was bisexual. That’s the only term that I knew at the time, but I prefer to call myself pansexual. Gender or its absence is just no obstacle when it comes to my desire to get intimate with someone else.

Besides being pansexual, I’m also polyamorous. Provided that I’m kept aware of my partners’ intimate encounters with other people, I don’t get jealous if they have those encounters. What gets to me is if I feel neglect. I suppose I might also get angry if a partner of mine hid their encounters with someone else, but this, to my knowledge, has not happened.

I also discovered BDSM, and that I am a Dom. I was always generous in bed, but BDSM allows me to optimize this generosity.

Then I realized that I’m autistic. The signs were present from infancy, but everybody treated me as neurotypical, so I thought that I was neurotypical. My ex-wife has ADHD, but we never discussed neurodivergence in our household. We both imagined that the other perceived the world in the same way we did. This is woefully incorrect, but we didn’t know any better.

I also realized that I’m nonbinary. The surest way to generate dysphoria in me is to insist that I should behave or not behave this or that way because I’m “a man.” At best, I’ll find the idea amusing. At worst, it will generate anger. At any rate, in retrospect, this is another element that caused friction between my ex-wife and me. She thought she had married “a man,” but she did not.

If my cancer had not happened, how much of this self-realization would have happened? I’m not sure. I was pretending to be a neurotypical man in a straight, monogamous, vanilla marriage. I think I could have gone on pretending for more years.

It’s been a wild ride, and I don’t think the ride is over just yet.

My Take On The Buddhist Virtue of Right Speech

The neurotypical take on Right Speech is a confused mess.

I’ve never encountered anyone who will explain Right Speech the way I’m going to explain it. Let’s start with the typical neurotypical explanations. They run like as follows.

Right Speech involves four things you should not do:

1. Don’t tell lies.
2. Don’t cause disunity through language.
3. Don’t use language to produce harm.
4. Don’t engage in idle talk, or gossip.

Conversely, there are four things that you should do:

1. Tell the truth.
2. Use language that favors unity.
3. Use language that makes people feel good.
4. Use purposeful language.

I called this the neurotypical explanation due to the simple fact that neurotypical individuals rule the world. Thus, the explanations we are likely to get are going to be informed by neurotypical views.

If you are autistic, you are probably already be uncomfortable with this list. For one thing, what is this “idle gossip?” Is this not what 90% of neurotypical talk consist of? A bunch of empty vocal rituals. “It’s hot today.” What purpose is there to saying this? The person you are telling this to, assuming they are standing next to you, knows exactly how hot or cold it is. They don’t need your assertion. Is stating that it is hot today really the speech that should be disfavored for being idle talk?

Your Autistic Life is supported by readers like you. Use one of the links below to support my writing! Thank you.

Then, how do you reconcile “use language that makes people feel good” with “tell the truth?” There are times when the task of making people feel good will require you to lie. A friend asks, “Do I look okay in this?” but they look awful. Do you lie to them, and make them feel good, or do you say it as you see it, and make them feel bad?

Some people will also make a big deal of the fact that sometimes we don’t know the truth. Yes, this is true. (Har har!) We don’t always know what is true. However, I think this rule is easily followed if we simply say what we consider to be true in our mind. We may be wrong, but if we are honest that what we are saying is what we think is true, then there is no issue.

Note that this is not absolution of those people who like to hate, for they often ignore what is patently true. They self-lobotomize in order to be able to utter their harmful rhetoric. When presented with evidence, they merely wish it away.

At any rate, my neurodivergent explanation is that these rules should be implemented in the context of Buddhist practice. Yes, telling the truth is admirable, but consider what happens when you tell lies to people. Any significant lie will come at a mental cost. Once you start lying, you have to maintain your lie. Then you start being fearful that your lie is going to be uncovered. When this happens, your mind becomes preoccupied with the lie even during meditation practice.

The same thing happens if you use language to cause disunity, or to harm other people. You become wrapped in a scenario that has already happened, or that you wish to happen. So it is too with the idle speech. It can become the cause of much rumination during meditation.

I think it is thus that these rules should be examined. Not as moral edicts, but as tools to help the practitioner meditate.

#AutisticWriters #Buddhism #harm #meditation #neurodivergent #neurotypical #RightSpeech #speech #truth #YourAutisticLife

https://www.yourautisticlife.com/2024/06/26/my-take-on-the-buddhist-virtue-of-right-speech/

When Being Social Destroys You

This is the story of how a recent social event destroyed me.

I think my own unmasking as a voluntary aspect, and an involuntary one. For instance, I voluntarily stim in public, or leave events when I’ve had enough. However, I used to sleep full nights without any issue. I used to be reflux free. Yet, my sleep got progressively worse over the years, and I started getting reflux too. This involuntary unmasking started even before my cancer.

“Oh, but you don’t look autistic!”

If you are autistic, you know how much we love people to tell us that we don’t look the part of the autistic individual. No, we don’t have autistic tattooed on our forehead. Autism is mainly an internal condition that sometimes has an external manifestation. The fact that folks don’t see our internal condition does not make our autism any less troublesome.

Yesterday, I went to a monthly bi brunch. The place we usually went to is unavailable. So this event was held in a location I’m not very fond of. It is essentially a sports bar. As a sports bar, it is most likely a decent location, but I’m not into sports, so I don’t generally go to sports bars.

I had been there once before, for the same event. When I was there, one part of the bar was unusable due to ceiling issues. We ate in a part of the bar that is particularly awful for acoustics. Everything echoed pretty badly. There was also rather loud music playing. I had a hard time engaging in conversations. I vowed never to return, if I could help it.

Last month, the organizers decided to go to the same place. At that time, true to my vow, I decided to skip. I explained my reasoning to other people, but I did not come up with an alternate location. Being autistic, it is not like I tend to go out a lot. Oh, I do go out, but I tend to go to places that I already know.

Your Autistic Life is supported by readers like you. Use one of the links below to support my writing! Thank you.

This month, I decided to go against my vow and to go again. I do like to see people, so I figured I’d grin and bear it. This time, the area of the bar that had been closed previously was actually opened, and we did eat there. Acoustically, this was a better deal than the other half of the bar. This aspect of the event was better than I had anticipated.

However, the food was still not what I was really looking for. Don’t get me wrong, the food I ordered tasted fine, but this food is fine for a sports bar. Sports bar food is not what I am after. The food, however, is not the only problem I experienced.

During the event, I felt totally fine. One of the organizers kept checking on me from time to time, and every time I answered truthfully that I was doing fine. The event coincided with the local pride parade, so people were asking me if I’d walk in the parade or watch it. I answered no to both questions, while still leaving open the idea that I’d watch it.

In retrospect, I’m bloody glad I did not walk, or even watch the parade. See, I was not fine, but I wouldn’t discover this until after I came back home. I was able to take the subway, and to drive myself from the subway station to my apartment. However, as soon as I entered my apartment, I crashed, hard. I spent the rest of the day fuzzy-headed. I took a 30-minute nap. It was helpful, but not enough.

Now, the day after, I’m trying to figure out what hammered me so much. I was at the brunch for maybe one hour 30 minutes. I’ve been to longer events before. Heck, the same group holds monthly bi board games, and I don’t typically come back hammered from those events. They easily last twice or three times as long as the time I spent at the bi brunch.

My top theory right now is that it is the combination of location, and having to socialize with an entire slew of newcomers that did me in. Some of them had been to the event before, but I had not met them. At any rate, this amounted to the same for me, since they were new to me. We were around 30 folks, if my math is accurate. There were a lot of conversations occurring all around me. My hearing ability is such that I easily get confused when there are too many conversations going all at once.

At first, I thought it was just the sheer number of people that did me in, but I don’t think so. I used to be able to go to conferences with many more people without any trouble. I’ve more recently been at events of easily over 100 people, without crashing afterwards. I think the difference is that at the conferences, and the recent events, I did not have to socialize. So it is having to socialize with so many people in a subpar location that is the problem.

I’ve crashed before like this, but I’ve never previously done a postmortem that takes my autism into account. This is the first time that I link the two. As I mentioned above, there is an involuntary aspect to my unmasking, and perhaps the fact that I have a harder time with social events is part of this involuntary unmasking.

What should I have done differently to avoid crashing? Maybe I shouldn’t have gone at all. For sure, if I had not gone, I wouldn’t have crashed. Still, I like to see people. So what should I have done at the event to avoid crashing. Maybe I should have taken one of the small booths to avoid the crowd. Also, at some point, there was a little voice in my head asking whether I should go back home early. I decided to ignore it, but maybe I should have listened to it.

I felt fine during the event, and I’m sure I appeared mostly fine to other people. This is the irony, if you will, of autism. You appear fine, but your nervous system is in overdrive, trying to process everything happening around you. It is later that you have to pay for the time that your nervous system was in overdrive.

Don’t get me wrong. I was glad to be there, but I’m trying to figure out how to have my fun without paying for it dearly afterwards. Being exhausted like I was after one hour and thirty minutes of socializing is not normal. How can I avoid this cost? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I know that some of it is on me and my ability to listen to my own needs.

Now, I know that some of my neurodivergent siblings have an even harder time than I do with socializing. When you design events without taking our needs into account, you are effectively excluding us. I know that you are not deciding that autistic people are not welcome. However, through self-selection, autistic people decide to not go, and your community is the poorer for it.

I have an event today too. This one is for autistic people, and it is held in a conference room in a library. It will easily last twice as long as the event yesterday, but I expect to come out of it without crashing.

#autism #autistic #AutisticWriters #bisexual #crashing #inclusivity #pansexual #SocialEvents #socializing #unmasking #YourAutisticLife

https://www.yourautisticlife.com/2024/06/09/when-being-social-destroys-you/

When Being Social Destroys You

This is the story of how a recent social event destroyed me.

I think my own unmasking as a voluntary aspect, and an involuntary one. For instance, I voluntarily stim in public, or leave events when I’ve had enough. However, I used to sleep full nights without any issue. I used to be reflux free. Yet, my sleep got progressively worse over the years, and I started getting reflux too. This involuntary unmasking started even before my cancer.

“Oh, but you don’t look autistic!”

If you are autistic, you know how much we love people to tell us that we don’t look the part of the autistic individual. No, we don’t have autistic tattooed on our forehead. Autism is mainly an internal condition that sometimes has an external manifestation. The fact that folks don’t see our internal condition does not make our autism any less troublesome.

Yesterday, I went to a monthly bi brunch. The place we usually went to is unavailable. So this event was held in a location I’m not very fond of. It is essentially a sports bar. As a sports bar, it is most likely a decent location, but I’m not into sports, so I don’t generally go to sports bars.

I had been there once before, for the same event. When I was there, one part of the bar was unusable due to ceiling issues. We ate in a part of the bar that is particularly awful for acoustics. Everything echoed pretty badly. There was also rather loud music playing. I had a hard time engaging in conversations. I vowed never to return, if I could help it.

Last month, the organizers decided to go to the same place. At that time, true to my vow, I decided to skip. I explained my reasoning to other people, but I did not come up with an alternate location. Being autistic, it is not like I tend to go out a lot. Oh, I do go out, but I tend to go to places that I already know.

Your Autistic Life is supported by readers like you. Use one of the links below to support my writing! Thank you.

This month, I decided to go against my vow and to go again. I do like to see people, so I figured I’d grin and bear it. This time, the area of the bar that had been closed previously was actually opened, and we did eat there. Acoustically, this was a better deal than the other half of the bar. This aspect of the event was better than I had anticipated.

However, the food was still not what I was really looking for. Don’t get me wrong, the food I ordered tasted fine, but this food is fine for a sports bar. Sports bar food is not what I am after. The food, however, is not the only problem I experienced.

During the event, I felt totally fine. One of the organizers kept checking on me from time to time, and every time I answered truthfully that I was doing fine. The event coincided with the local pride parade, so people were asking me if I’d walk in the parade or watch it. I answered no to both questions, while still leaving open the idea that I’d watch it.

In retrospect, I’m bloody glad I did not walk, or even watch the parade. See, I was not fine, but I wouldn’t discover this until after I came back home. I was able to take the subway, and to drive myself from the subway station to my apartment. However, as soon as I entered my apartment, I crashed, hard. I spent the rest of the day fuzzy-headed. I took a 30-minute nap. It was helpful, but not enough.

Now, the day after, I’m trying to figure out what hammered me so much. I was at the brunch for maybe one hour 30 minutes. I’ve been to longer events before. Heck, the same group holds monthly bi board games, and I don’t typically come back hammered from those events. They easily last twice or three times as long as the time I spent at the bi brunch.

My top theory right now is that it is the combination of location, and having to socialize with an entire slew of newcomers that did me in. Some of them had been to the event before, but I had not met them. At any rate, this amounted to the same for me, since they were new to me. We were around 30 folks, if my math is accurate. There were a lot of conversations occurring all around me. My hearing ability is such that I easily get confused when there are too many conversations going all at once.

At first, I thought it was just the sheer number of people that did me in, but I don’t think so. I used to be able to go to conferences with many more people without any trouble. I’ve more recently been at events of easily over 100 people, without crashing afterwards. I think the difference is that at the conferences, and the recent events, I did not have to socialize. So it is having to socialize with so many people in a subpar location that is the problem.

I’ve crashed before like this, but I’ve never previously done a postmortem that takes my autism into account. This is the first time that I link the two. As I mentioned above, there is an involuntary aspect to my unmasking, and perhaps the fact that I have a harder time with social events is part of this involuntary unmasking.

What should I have done differently to avoid crashing? Maybe I shouldn’t have gone at all. For sure, if I had not gone, I wouldn’t have crashed. Still, I like to see people. So what should I have done at the event to avoid crashing. Maybe I should have taken one of the small booths to avoid the crowd. Also, at some point, there was a little voice in my head asking whether I should go back home early. I decided to ignore it, but maybe I should have listened to it.

I felt fine during the event, and I’m sure I appeared mostly fine to other people. This is the irony, if you will, of autism. You appear fine, but your nervous system is in overdrive, trying to process everything happening around you. It is later that you have to pay for the time that your nervous system was in overdrive.

Don’t get me wrong. I was glad to be there, but I’m trying to figure out how to have my fun without paying for it dearly afterwards. Being exhausted like I was after one hour and thirty minutes of socializing is not normal. How can I avoid this cost? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I know that some of it is on me and my ability to listen to my own needs.

Now, I know that some of my neurodivergent siblings have an even harder time than I do with socializing. When you design events without taking our needs into account, you are effectively excluding us. I know that you are not deciding that autistic people are not welcome. However, through self-selection, autistic people decide to not go, and your community is the poorer for it.

I have an event today too. This one is for autistic people, and it is held in a conference room in a library. It will easily last twice as long as the event yesterday, but I expect to come out of it without crashing.

#autism #autistic #AutisticWriters #bisexual #crashing #inclusivity #pansexual #SocialEvents #socializing #unmasking #YourAutisticLife

https://www.yourautisticlife.com/2024/06/09/when-being-social-destroys-you/

When Being Social Destroys You

This is the story of how a recent social event destroyed me.

I think my own unmasking as a voluntary aspect, and an involuntary one. For instance, I voluntarily stim in public, or leave events when I’ve had enough. However, I used to sleep full nights without any issue. I used to be reflux free. Yet, my sleep got progressively worse over the years, and I started getting reflux too. This involuntary unmasking started even before my cancer.

“Oh, but you don’t look autistic!”

If you are autistic, you know how much we love people to tell us that we don’t look the part of the autistic individual. No, we don’t have autistic tattooed on our forehead. Autism is mainly an internal condition that sometimes has an external manifestation. The fact that folks don’t see our internal condition does not make our autism any less troublesome.

Yesterday, I went to a monthly bi brunch. The place we usually went to is unavailable. So this event was held in a location I’m not very fond of. It is essentially a sports bar. As a sports bar, it is most likely a decent location, but I’m not into sports, so I don’t generally go to sports bars.

I had been there once before, for the same event. When I was there, one part of the bar was unusable due to ceiling issues. We ate in a part of the bar that is particularly awful for acoustics. Everything echoed pretty badly. There was also rather loud music playing. I had a hard time engaging in conversations. I vowed never to return, if I could help it.

Last month, the organizers decided to go to the same place. At that time, true to my vow, I decided to skip. I explained my reasoning to other people, but I did not come up with an alternate location. Being autistic, it is not like I tend to go out a lot. Oh, I do go out, but I tend to go to places that I already know.

Your Autistic Life is supported by readers like you. Use one of the links below to support my writing! Thank you.

This month, I decided to go against my vow and to go again. I do like to see people, so I figured I’d grin and bear it. This time, the area of the bar that had been closed previously was actually opened, and we did eat there. Acoustically, this was a better deal than the other half of the bar. This aspect of the event was better than I had anticipated.

However, the food was still not what I was really looking for. Don’t get me wrong, the food I ordered tasted fine, but this food is fine for a sports bar. Sports bar food is not what I am after. The food, however, is not the only problem I experienced.

During the event, I felt totally fine. One of the organizers kept checking on me from time to time, and every time I answered truthfully that I was doing fine. The event coincided with the local pride parade, so people were asking me if I’d walk in the parade or watch it. I answered no to both questions, while still leaving open the idea that I’d watch it.

In retrospect, I’m bloody glad I did not walk, or even watch the parade. See, I was not fine, but I wouldn’t discover this until after I came back home. I was able to take the subway, and to drive myself from the subway station to my apartment. However, as soon as I entered my apartment, I crashed, hard. I spent the rest of the day fuzzy-headed. I took a 30-minute nap. It was helpful, but not enough.

Now, the day after, I’m trying to figure out what hammered me so much. I was at the brunch for maybe one hour 30 minutes. I’ve been to longer events before. Heck, the same group holds monthly bi board games, and I don’t typically come back hammered from those events. They easily last twice or three times as long as the time I spent at the bi brunch.

My top theory right now is that it is the combination of location, and having to socialize with an entire slew of newcomers that did me in. Some of them had been to the event before, but I had not met them. At any rate, this amounted to the same for me, since they were new to me. We were around 30 folks, if my math is accurate. There were a lot of conversations occurring all around me. My hearing ability is such that I easily get confused when there are too many conversations going all at once.

At first, I thought it was just the sheer number of people that did me in, but I don’t think so. I used to be able to go to conferences with many more people without any trouble. I’ve more recently been at events of easily over 100 people, without crashing afterwards. I think the difference is that at the conferences, and the recent events, I did not have to socialize. So it is having to socialize with so many people in a subpar location that is the problem.

I’ve crashed before like this, but I’ve never previously done a postmortem that takes my autism into account. This is the first time that I link the two. As I mentioned above, there is an involuntary aspect to my unmasking, and perhaps the fact that I have a harder time with social events is part of this involuntary unmasking.

What should I have done differently to avoid crashing? Maybe I shouldn’t have gone at all. For sure, if I had not gone, I wouldn’t have crashed. Still, I like to see people. So what should I have done at the event to avoid crashing. Maybe I should have taken one of the small booths to avoid the crowd. Also, at some point, there was a little voice in my head asking whether I should go back home early. I decided to ignore it, but maybe I should have listened to it.

I felt fine during the event, and I’m sure I appeared mostly fine to other people. This is the irony, if you will, of autism. You appear fine, but your nervous system is in overdrive, trying to process everything happening around you. It is later that you have to pay for the time that your nervous system was in overdrive.

Don’t get me wrong. I was glad to be there, but I’m trying to figure out how to have my fun without paying for it dearly afterwards. Being exhausted like I was after one hour and thirty minutes of socializing is not normal. How can I avoid this cost? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I know that some of it is on me and my ability to listen to my own needs.

Now, I know that some of my neurodivergent siblings have an even harder time than I do with socializing. When you design events without taking our needs into account, you are effectively excluding us. I know that you are not deciding that autistic people are not welcome. However, through self-selection, autistic people decide to not go, and your community is the poorer for it.

I have an event today too. This one is for autistic people, and it is held in a conference room in a library. It will easily last twice as long as the event yesterday, but I expect to come out of it without crashing.

#autism #autistic #AutisticWriters #bisexual #crashing #inclusivity #pansexual #SocialEvents #socializing #unmasking #YourAutisticLife

https://www.yourautisticlife.com/2024/06/09/when-being-social-destroys-you/

When Being Social Destroys You

This is the story of how a recent social event destroyed me.

I think my own unmasking as a voluntary aspect, and an involuntary one. For instance, I voluntarily stim in public, or leave events when I’ve had enough. However, I used to sleep full nights without any issue. I used to be reflux free. Yet, my sleep got progressively worse over the years, and I started getting reflux too. This involuntary unmasking started even before my cancer.

“Oh, but you don’t look autistic!”

If you are autistic, you know how much we love people to tell us that we don’t look the part of the autistic individual. No, we don’t have autistic tattooed on our forehead. Autism is mainly an internal condition that sometimes has an external manifestation. The fact that folks don’t see our internal condition does not make our autism any less troublesome.

Yesterday, I went to a monthly bi brunch. The place we usually went to is unavailable. So this event was held in a location I’m not very fond of. It is essentially a sports bar. As a sports bar, it is most likely a decent location, but I’m not into sports, so I don’t generally go to sports bars.

I had been there once before, for the same event. When I was there, one part of the bar was unusable due to ceiling issues. We ate in a part of the bar that is particularly awful for acoustics. Everything echoed pretty badly. There was also rather loud music playing. I had a hard time engaging in conversations. I vowed never to return, if I could help it.

Last month, the organizers decided to go to the same place. At that time, true to my vow, I decided to skip. I explained my reasoning to other people, but I did not come up with an alternate location. Being autistic, it is not like I tend to go out a lot. Oh, I do go out, but I tend to go to places that I already know.

Your Autistic Life is supported by readers like you. Use one of the links below to support my writing! Thank you.

This month, I decided to go against my vow and to go again. I do like to see people, so I figured I’d grin and bear it. This time, the area of the bar that had been closed previously was actually opened, and we did eat there. Acoustically, this was a better deal than the other half of the bar. This aspect of the event was better than I had anticipated.

However, the food was still not what I was really looking for. Don’t get me wrong, the food I ordered tasted fine, but this food is fine for a sports bar. Sports bar food is not what I am after. The food, however, is not the only problem I experienced.

During the event, I felt totally fine. One of the organizers kept checking on me from time to time, and every time I answered truthfully that I was doing fine. The event coincided with the local pride parade, so people were asking me if I’d walk in the parade or watch it. I answered no to both questions, while still leaving open the idea that I’d watch it.

In retrospect, I’m bloody glad I did not walk, or even watch the parade. See, I was not fine, but I wouldn’t discover this until after I came back home. I was able to take the subway, and to drive myself from the subway station to my apartment. However, as soon as I entered my apartment, I crashed, hard. I spent the rest of the day fuzzy-headed. I took a 30-minute nap. It was helpful, but not enough.

Now, the day after, I’m trying to figure out what hammered me so much. I was at the brunch for maybe one hour 30 minutes. I’ve been to longer events before. Heck, the same group holds monthly bi board games, and I don’t typically come back hammered from those events. They easily last twice or three times as long as the time I spent at the bi brunch.

My top theory right now is that it is the combination of location, and having to socialize with an entire slew of newcomers that did me in. Some of them had been to the event before, but I had not met them. At any rate, this amounted to the same for me, since they were new to me. We were around 30 folks, if my math is accurate. There were a lot of conversations occurring all around me. My hearing ability is such that I easily get confused when there are too many conversations going all at once.

At first, I thought it was just the sheer number of people that did me in, but I don’t think so. I used to be able to go to conferences with many more people without any trouble. I’ve more recently been at events of easily over 100 people, without crashing afterwards. I think the difference is that at the conferences, and the recent events, I did not have to socialize. So it is having to socialize with so many people in a subpar location that is the problem.

I’ve crashed before like this, but I’ve never previously done a postmortem that takes my autism into account. This is the first time that I link the two. As I mentioned above, there is an involuntary aspect to my unmasking, and perhaps the fact that I have a harder time with social events is part of this involuntary unmasking.

What should I have done differently to avoid crashing? Maybe I shouldn’t have gone at all. For sure, if I had not gone, I wouldn’t have crashed. Still, I like to see people. So what should I have done at the event to avoid crashing. Maybe I should have taken one of the small booths to avoid the crowd. Also, at some point, there was a little voice in my head asking whether I should go back home early. I decided to ignore it, but maybe I should have listened to it.

I felt fine during the event, and I’m sure I appeared mostly fine to other people. This is the irony, if you will, of autism. You appear fine, but your nervous system is in overdrive, trying to process everything happening around you. It is later that you have to pay for the time that your nervous system was in overdrive.

Don’t get me wrong. I was glad to be there, but I’m trying to figure out how to have my fun without paying for it dearly afterwards. Being exhausted like I was after one hour and thirty minutes of socializing is not normal. How can I avoid this cost? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I know that some of it is on me and my ability to listen to my own needs.

Now, I know that some of my neurodivergent siblings have an even harder time than I do with socializing. When you design events without taking our needs into account, you are effectively excluding us. I know that you are not deciding that autistic people are not welcome. However, through self-selection, autistic people decide to not go, and your community is the poorer for it.

I have an event today too. This one is for autistic people, and it is held in a conference room in a library. It will easily last twice as long as the event yesterday, but I expect to come out of it without crashing.

#autism #autistic #AutisticWriters #bisexual #crashing #inclusivity #pansexual #SocialEvents #socializing #unmasking #YourAutisticLife

https://www.yourautisticlife.com/2024/06/09/when-being-social-destroys-you/