#autisticwriters — Public Fediverse posts

Socially mandated love

“Hi!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa… You scared me. I did not see you there, crouching behind the couch.”

“Oh, sorry! I just wanted to surprise you on this day of celebration.”

“You’ve surprised me, so mission accomplished!”

“But that’s not all. My coworkers managed to shame me into performing socially mandated gestures to demonstrate my love for you.”

“Okay.”

“Like giving you this set of dead plants.”

“Oh, flowers. You took upon yourself to go to the florist. How thoughtful!”

“Yes. Though, I think florist is a bad name. They should be called flower undertakers.”

“The socially mandated response is to thank you. So thank you!”

“You’re welcome. Here is a card for you. Open it.”

“Give me a second.”

“None of the cards at the store conveyed the exact message I had in mind. So I edited the message.”

“I see that. How thoughtful! Crossing out the word ‘forever’ is quite sensible.”

“Yes. At best, once I’m dead, I won’t be able to love you. Why make promises I cannot possibly keep?”

“I also like how you scribbled in the words ‘froggy-style’.”

“What? Froggy-style? Er… no… it is ‘doggy-style’.”

“Oh… right. Your handwriting is terrible.”

“Yes. It is. I also have this gift for you.”

“Wow! That’s a big box.”

“Open it.”

“Give me a week! Haha!”

[Five minutes later.]

“Did you find it?”

“I think I did. It is a wad of $20 bills, like I’m a pole dancer or some such.”

“This way you can get whatever you want. However, my coworkers chided me, saying money is not a thoughtful gift.”

“This is surely more thoughtful than the coffee machine my parents gave me.”

“Oh… yeah…. with your difficulty processing caffeine.”

“It gives me hives. Not only that, but they keep forgetting that they gave me a coffee machine already, and they give me that gift every year.”

“At least money never becomes useless, even if you get it repeatedly.”

“I’m sorry, but I have nothing for you. I do love you too, but I am aromantic.”

“Oh, the enjoyment of your presence is quite enough gift for me. Come to think of it… I think I might be aromantic too. The whole thing felt rather unnatural to me.”

#TheDailyIsotope #AutisticWriters #ActuallyAutistic #aromantic #GiftGiving #society

Gift Giving: A Minefield

I’m both a bad giver and a bad receiver of gifts, according to society, at any rate.

Gift giving is a minefield for most autistic folks. It definitely is one for me. Since Valentine’s Day is upon us, here’s a reflection on why most options are terrible. In no specific order,

1. Money? I was taught that giving money is rather gauche. I have to agree. You can discharge yourself of a gift obligation by giving money to anyone. It does not show much thought about the recipient of the gift. I’d rather not give money.
2. Greeting cards? A lot of them talk about forever love, and I have trouble with the word forever. This was true even when I was with my ex-wife. I sometimes bought cards containing the word. I had to editorialize when I gave my card. However, I prefer to skip cards altogether.

   As you probably guessed, the cards’ declarations of forever love to my ex-wife did not pan out. We’re now divorced. *Cough*

3. Flowers? Yay, let’s kill plants for our pleasure!
4. Fashion (like jewelry, clothing, accessories, etc.)? I need to know what size the gift recipient wears, for one thing. Moreover, my sense of style isn’t great. So, no.
5. Gadgets? Oof! Welcome to landmine central. If you get me a gadget, chances are that you are going to miss. I am likely to know more than you about those gadgets that I’d like to own. Moreover, if you get me a gadget, I’m going to compare it to similar gadgets I already have, and to similar gadgets I might want to own. I’ll most likely find the gadget you got me to be lacking. This is a losing proposition for you.

   Conversely, imagine people I’d give a gadget to doing the same thing as I described above. They’ll find the gadget I got them to be lacking in some way. Note that it does not matter if they actually do this or not. I become an anxious mess. Did I pick up the optimal gift? Most likely not. This is a losing proposition for me.

   Of course, it is considered gauche to tell the person who wishes to give you a gift what exactly they should get. However, I’ve sometimes resorted to this stratagem.

6. Food? This is the best option of the bunch. Food is ephemeral. If the gift is lacking, the recipient at least won’t be stuck with it for long.

A great part of the problem with gift giving are all the societal expectations that shape the practice. If you do not conform to those societal expectations, well, good luck not getting flack.

My boyfriend and I are keeping it simple this year. I got him some chocolate. We’re going to a restaurant. I know he has something for me, but he does not have it in hand yet. No biggie. I know society would look disapprovingly upon his tardiness, but society can take a hike.

#ActuallyAutistic #autism #autistic #AutisticWriters #GiftGiving #gifts #YourAutisticLife

Conditional gift giving, is it for you?

A new craze is sweeping the nation, conditional gift giving. We caught up with conditional gift giving guru, Maxine Vance, to learn about this new phenomenon. She explains, “Conditional gift giving is the practice of giving a gift, but you give it only if some conditions are fulfilled.”

She continues, “The people receiving the gift are at first elated, but then when you specify your conditions, their reactions ranges from amused to downright enraged. It really depends on the condition you attach to it. Requiring a kiss might generate amusement, but requiring that the receiver purchases more than eight gallons of gasoline to get the gift might generate rage.”

Some people hold that conditional gifting is not gifting at all. We reached out to Vaxine Mance, a spokesperson for those critical of conditional giving. They told us, “A gift is not a gift if it is not given without strings attached. Conditional gifting attaches so many strings that what you have in the end is a spider web ready to trap the receiver of the gift.”

They added, “Especially annoying are those time limits that some people tack on. Not only do you have to decide to accept the conditions or not, but you have to do it within a specific span of time. You need to make a decision by such and such date, or you forfeit the gift, and possibly a friendship/”

Given the range of reactions that this practice elicits, we suggest that you think carefully prior to engaging in it. A better practice, in some cases, might be to falsely claim to have made a donation in the name of the receiver.

This story was inspired by an email from Exxon promising a “gift offer.” You guessed it. It came with strings attached. They wanted me to buy at least eight gallons of gasoline.

#AutisticWriters #conditions #gift #GiftGiving #satire #TheDailyIsotope