Charmy’s Army in “DEE SEAST – The Hell of the Ball” – Part 3: Blue Vests and Brown Bananas
<<< Previous COMIC strip NEXT COMIC STRIP >>>In the third installment of our saga, panic reaches a fever pitch before colliding directly with mundane retail logistics. Convinced that Walmart’s customer service desk has instituted a terrifying new policy for processing refunds, the ponytail girl spiraled into sheer dread: will returning a defective toaster get her tossed into a holding pen to be devoured by domesticated ghouls? Thankfully, the blonde clears the air. Dee isn’t eating dissatisfied shoppers; she works in the meat department devouring the expired cuts. She isn’t a mindless trash can, either—as corporate HR would insist, she is a proud “Waste Management Facilitator.”
The fluorescent lights of the retail district buzzed overhead like a hive of mechanical hornets. The ponytail girl stood dead in the center of the sidewalk, completely frozen in terror, clutching both hands to her face. Her eyes were practically the size of saucers, and her breathing sounded like a bellows working overtime.
“I bought a set of non-stick sauté pans three weeks ago,” she whispered, her voice trembling with sheer, unadulterated existential dread. “The coating is already flaking off near the handle. I have the receipt in my purse. I was literally planning to go to Customer Care this afternoon. But now? Now I know the truth! They’re going to look at my receipt, see that the packaging is torn, hit a discreet red button under the desk, and drop me down a trapdoor into Dee’s feeding pit!”
The blonde stared at her friend for three long seconds, an expression of profound exhaustion settling across her features. She pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a deep, shuddering sigh that blew a stray blonde lock out of her eyes.
“Have you ever, in your entire life, heard of a big-box store feeding actual human customers to an employee?” the blonde asked flatly. “Do you realize the liability insurance premiums on that alone? The Occupational Safety and Health Administration would have field inspectors crawling through the air ducts within forty-eight hours. The paperwork would take decades.”
“Corporations do terrible things to protect their quarterly profit margins!” the ponytail girl insisted, gesticulating wildly toward the towering blue sign visible above the tree line. “Think about it! Customer returns cost money! Salvage freight costs money! If you replace the return desk with an apex predator from beyond the grave, refund requests drop to absolute zero overnight! It’s the ultimate cost-cutting measure!”
“She’s in the meat department, you absolute lunatic,” the blonde barked, grabbing her friend by the arm and dragging her along the pavement. “She doesn’t eat dissatisfied patrons who lost their receipt for a shower curtain. She eats the brown ground chuck and the discount chicken thighs that have been sitting in the display cooler forty-eight hours past their sell-by date!”
The ponytail girl blinked once. Twice. Her frantic breathing slowed down, though the look of absolute disgust remained firmly plastered across her face. “Wait… what?”
“You heard Charmy earlier,” the blonde continued, shaking her head. “Food waste is one of the biggest logistical hurdles in supermarket management. Stores throw away literal tons of spoiled produce, dented cans, and graying beef every single calendar year. Landfills charge dumping fees. Commercial composters have strict guidelines. But an undead post-human? Their digestive systems—or whatever remaining chemical soup passes for an internal organ—can neutralize bacteria that would put a vulture into an intensive care unit.”
“So she’s a garbage disposal,” the ponytail girl summarized, wrinkling her nose until her freckles scrunched into a tight knot. “A glorified, walking, rotting kitchen sink drain with bangs.”
“Charmy said she prefers the title Waste Management Facilitator,” the blonde corrected with an ironic smirk. “Corporate America doesn’t hire monsters; they hire operational specialists. They probably gave her an orientation badge, a five-minute video on slips, trips, and falls, and a designated break room in the refrigerated storage annex so she doesn’t scare the bakery associates.”
Across the street, Charmy and Dee had paused outside a small convenience store. Dee was leaning against a lamppost, her head tilted at a precarious angle that suggested her neck vertebrae were merely suggestive guidelines. A passing delivery driver glanced at her, double-took, and quickly crossed the street with an expression of profound confusion, but nobody screamed. Nobody dialed the national guard. The world had simply absorbed the unthinkable and filed it away under routine municipal oddities.
“I don’t know what’s worse,” the ponytail girl muttered, watching Dee attempt to scratch her shoulder and nearly dislocating her collarbone in the process. “The idea that the zombie apocalypse ended with our society almost being overrun, or the idea that it ended with the survivors realizing zombies could be exploited for unpaid sanitation labor.”
“Welcome to late-stage capitalism,” the blonde replied with a dry chuckle. “If a catastrophic virus wipes out twenty percent of the population, the remaining eighty percent won’t mourn; they’ll just figure out how to put the fallen to work clearing out the dairy aisle. But hey, look at the bright side: at least Dee is earning an honest living. It’s more than half the guys you’ve dated this year can say.”
“That is a low blow and completely uncalled for,” the ponytail girl grumbled, though she couldn’t suppress a faint, cynical grin. “At least my exes showered once a week. Dee looks like she just crawled out of an abandoned septic tank behind a haunted waterpark.”
“True,” the blonde agreed, watching as Charmy gently handed Dee a small bottle of hand sanitizer, which she promptly attempted to drink before Charmy calmly redirected it to her palms. “She’s definitely rough around the edges. But that brings up an even more pressing dilemma: with Halloween coming up, what does an integrated undead citizen do for social life? And more importantly… what does this mean for the town dance?”
TO BE CONTINUED….
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