#satirical — Public Fediverse posts

EXCLUSIVE Santa Column: The Uber Sleigh Side Hustle 🚕

This time out, after last time out Santa tried to fit a doorbell to the factory, Father Christmas has a side hustle on the go. He’s taken to being an Uber driver and is using his sleigh to transport working class scumbags from A to B. This novelty wore off pretty fast and, spoiler alert, Santa didn’t want to keep his side hustle going for long.

Santa DOES Uber

Hello. Santa recently laid off 89% of my elf workforce and replaced them with AI. However, Santa soon found out AI chatbots can’t piece together Barbie Dolls, no matter how much bellowing I did at them. You also can’t give AI pay cuts, you can’t discriminate against it, demote it, fire it, or anything else… it’s a bit of a bastard, really, this is not why I went into business! Santa wants to be a bastard, belittle everyone around me, and prove my superiority by underpaying everyone. Can’t do that with AI…

So, Santa rehired the 89% back, fired 1% again to get the control freak kick, then rehired that 1% back on a lower age. Glorious. GLORIOUS. Santa drank a pint of gin to celebrate, passed out, then woke up the next morning to find Markus (my head elf) standing over me with a flipchat.

All this firing and rehiring has hit the Santa budget head on. Funds are (and is) down.

In a wave of hungover genius, Santa decided to set up a side hustle. I downloaded the Uber app and demanded the elves go out back to the garage to dust down the sleigh for the year. Santa was ready to do some taxi type stuff! Never done this before, but what the hell? Seems a good racket. I can drink on the job, too, of course, and pimp up the sleigh to make it great for customers.

Santa had Markus and the lads pimp up the sleigh with a swanky stereo system, some baubles dangling off the side, and a cushion sprinkled with lavender oils. I topped it off by chucked some baked beans into the back to give it a homely look. That’ll keep the working class scumbags happy!

MASSIVE Pay Rise (and on with mundane working class scumbag taxi work)

Markus (my head elf) warned me against drinking on the job, so I fired and rehired him with a 3% pay cut. Little bastard now earns $0.3 an hour and should feel MIGHTILY privileged for that. Before I began my shift I decided to send out a company-wide email boasting about the bonus I’ve decided to give myself for being so hard working:

Subject: SANTA’S BONUS ANNOUNCEMENT

Dear putrid and pathetic staff members,

Due to exceptional levels of personal brilliance, Santa is giving myself a bonus/pay rise (one of these, not really sure yet) of 1,345% of my annual wage of $130 million. I work too long and hard being a genius to let you bastards restrict my income to this extent. Thus, my new wage of $1.7586 billion is an accurate reflection of what I bring to this organisation.

Thank you for your attention on this matter,

Father Christmas

Santa then drank a pint of gin and commenced my first shift Ubering, blasting over to Bolton of Greater Manchester for my first shift (intended to be a 72 slog fuelled by gin, Red Bull, cheap cigarettes, and fish & chips).

Do you want to know the most ANNOYING bastard of a thing!? It kept bloody happening with EVERY SINGLE customer. Santa would pull up in my sleigh at some dismal stop in Bolton of Greater Manchester, wait for the working class scumbag to get on the sleigh, they’d get in the sleigh, and then the questioning would begin.

“Jesus, mate, are you Santa Claus?!?” They’d ask.

“NO!! BUGGER OFF!!!” I’d bellow in a rage.

“Yeah you are, dickhead!!!”

A mixture of scenarios would then play out based on that. Some of them would settle down into the journey and listen to Santa’s spectacular tales of drunkenness and Barbie Dolls. Others would get argy bargy and abusive, to which me and them would have a rampaging argument of bellowing and swearing as I attempted to steer the sleigh in the right direction. Sometimes, Rudolph (out of it on heroin) would then want to get involved. So, we’d often have to park up on some random street and Santa and some working class scumbag would start battering the living shite out of each other. Santa got a bruised eye and a broken nose from all this revelry, plus a lot of 1/5 reviews on the Uber app for being “obnoxious” and “volatile” and “incompetent” and “drunk”. Bastards.

Anyway, I kept it up for three days (three shifts) and made a grand total of £53.51. Santa used the money for a massive drinking spree in Bolton of Greater Manchester. I got so drunk I couldn’t use the sleigh, so I had to get an Uber home… but none of the bastards in Bolton of Greater Manchester have a bloody sleigh to fly me back to the North Pole, so I had to blackmail the UK government to fly me back in a helicopter.

Later, I had Markus hike it out to Bolton of Greater Manchester to get the sleigh back. Markus (my head elf, remember) was mugged while out there.

Lol.