#satirical — Public Fediverse posts

The Gin Gym: Work Out & Get Wasted 🍸💪🍹 [Sponsored Post]

Do you want to get fit AND be drunk? Then the Gin Gym located off the big roundabout (you know the one) in Preston city centre is the place to go!

Because sweating it out, one drunken blackout at a time, is a CLINICALLY PROVEN (please note, it is not clinically proven) way to get pub body ready.

💪🍸 Gin Gym: Sweat it Out, One Blackout at a Time 🍸💪

Going to the gym and getting wasted is the ultimate biohack, the best of both worlds, and it’s guaranteed to leave you hydrated, dehydrated, and mentally unstable.

Think wellness and rock hard abs is about alkaline water and raw organic kale? Bullshit! Lies! Corruption!

The path to a body of an Adonis is through the ancient science of what we call Anaesthetic Hyper-Training. BECAUSE WHY DO WEAKLINGS FAIL? Pain. That’s why. But when you’re pissed senseless on gin, you won’t be able to tell your body is crying out in agony after your 130th bench press.

Sign up today for £200 a week and train 24/7. That’s because the gym is open 24/7. Yes, you can get drunk and work out whenever you want! Or, join one of our tailored drunken sessions to get you flabby arse in order.

If you sign up today, you’ll get a COMPLETELY FREE pint of gin. Sign up tomorrow and you’ll get a PINT of gin in a HALF PINT glass. Sign up next week and you get sod all.

Gin Gym Class Schedule

We offer daily classes for dedicated alcoholics and other hopeless losers leading aimless lives. These sessions ensure total drunkenness, but also allow you to keep somewhat toned belly flab so as to impress members of the opposite sex.

Sessions start from 6am, include mandatory gym drinking, and last until 8pm (if you’re still conscious, you’ll get a free pint of water to rehydrate yourself):

• 6am – High Intensity Training Liver Power Hour
• 8am – Dance Cardio and Vomiting
• 12am – Slurred Speech Circuit Training
• 3pm – Afternoon Nap
• 5pm – Swimming Lessons (in a 90% gin pool with 10% chlorine)
• 7pm – Drunken Brawl
• 8pm – Sessions Close (Bar Opens)

By 8pm, you’ll have consumed around three pints of gin. Once the bar opens at 8pm, you can then party the night away until you either die from alcohol poisoning or get rushed to hospital to have your stomach pumped.

Gin Gym Special: Chat Up Line Workouts

Our experienced, expert alcoholic gym instructors are also speciality trained in cringeworthy chat up lines. Please note, these have been tried and tested and may (or may not) result in a slap to the face:

• “Are you a Gin & Tonic? Because I like them, and if you are one, that means I like you, too, babe.”
• “Is it hot in here or are we about to cause a localised distillery explosion?”
• “This may just be the gin talking, but one look at you and I think I’m going to have liver failure.”
• “Are you a Sloe gin? Because you look like a terrible decision it’ll take 72 hours to recover from.”
• “You look like a Navy Strength 57% ABV gin. In a good way!”
• “Do you believe in love at first sight, or am I just pissed on gin again?”

Head out into wider society armed with these bad boys, you’ll be sure to pull a 10/10 banger before you can say, “I have consumed far too much gin this fine day”.

The Gin Gym: Work Out & Get Wasted 🍸💪🍹 [Sponsored Post]

Do you want to get fit AND be drunk? Then the Gin Gym located off the big roundabout (you know the one) in Preston city centre is the place to go!

Because sweating it out, one drunken blackout at a time, is a CLINICALLY PROVEN (please note, it is not clinically proven) way to get pub body ready.

💪🍸 Gin Gym: Sweat it Out, One Blackout at a Time 🍸💪

Going to the gym and getting wasted is the ultimate biohack, the best of both worlds, and it’s guaranteed to leave you hydrated, dehydrated, and mentally unstable.

Think wellness and rock hard abs is about alkaline water and raw organic kale? Bullshit! Lies! Corruption!

The path to a body of an Adonis is through the ancient science of what we call Anaesthetic Hyper-Training. BECAUSE WHY DO WEAKLINGS FAIL? Pain. That’s why. But when you’re pissed senseless on gin, you won’t be able to tell your body is crying out in agony after your 130th bench press.

Sign up today for £200 a week and train 24/7. That’s because the gym is open 24/7. Yes, you can get drunk and work out whenever you want! Or, join one of our tailored drunken sessions to get you flabby arse in order.

If you sign up today, you’ll get a COMPLETELY FREE pint of gin. Sign up tomorrow and you’ll get a PINT of gin in a HALF PINT glass. Sign up next week and you get sod all.

Gin Gym Class Schedule

We offer daily classes for dedicated alcoholics and other hopeless losers leading aimless lives. These sessions ensure total drunkenness, but also allow you to keep somewhat toned belly flab so as to impress members of the opposite sex.

Sessions start from 6am, include mandatory gym drinking, and last until 8pm (if you’re still conscious, you’ll get a free pint of water to rehydrate yourself):

• 6am – High Intensity Training Liver Power Hour
• 8am – Dance Cardio and Vomiting
• 12am – Slurred Speech Circuit Training
• 3pm – Afternoon Nap
• 5pm – Swimming Lessons (in a 90% gin pool with 10% chlorine)
• 7pm – Drunken Brawl
• 8pm – Sessions Close (Bar Opens)

By 8pm, you’ll have consumed around three pints of gin. Once the bar opens at 8pm, you can then party the night away until you either die from alcohol poisoning or get rushed to hospital to have your stomach pumped.

Gin Gym Special: Chat Up Line Workouts

Our experienced, expert alcoholic gym instructors are also speciality trained in cringeworthy chat up lines. Please note, these have been tried and tested and may (or may not) result in a slap to the face:

• “Are you a Gin & Tonic? Because I like them, and if you are one, that means I like you, too, babe.”
• “Is it hot in here or are we about to cause a localised distillery explosion?”
• “This may just be the gin talking, but one look at you and I think I’m going to have liver failure.”
• “Are you a Sloe gin? Because you look like a terrible decision it’ll take 72 hours to recover from.”
• “You look like a Navy Strength 57% ABV gin. In a good way!”
• “Do you believe in love at first sight, or am I just pissed on gin again?”

Head out into wider society armed with these bad boys, you’ll be sure to pull a 10/10 banger before you can say, “I have consumed far too much gin this fine day”.

The Gin Gym: Work Out & Get Wasted 🍸💪🍹 [Sponsored Post]

Do you want to get fit AND be drunk? Then the Gin Gym located off the big roundabout (you know the one) in Preston city centre is the place to go!

Because sweating it out, one drunken blackout at a time, is a CLINICALLY PROVEN (please note, it is not clinically proven) way to get pub body ready.

💪🍸 Gin Gym: Sweat it Out, One Blackout at a Time 🍸💪

Going to the gym and getting wasted is the ultimate biohack, the best of both worlds, and it’s guaranteed to leave you hydrated, dehydrated, and mentally unstable.

Think wellness and rock hard abs is about alkaline water and raw organic kale? Bullshit! Lies! Corruption!

The path to a body of an Adonis is through the ancient science of what we call Anaesthetic Hyper-Training. BECAUSE WHY DO WEAKLINGS FAIL? Pain. That’s why. But when you’re pissed senseless on gin, you won’t be able to tell your body is crying out in agony after your 130th bench press.

Sign up today for £200 a week and train 24/7. That’s because the gym is open 24/7. Yes, you can get drunk and work out whenever you want! Or, join one of our tailored drunken sessions to get you flabby arse in order.

If you sign up today, you’ll get a COMPLETELY FREE pint of gin. Sign up tomorrow and you’ll get a PINT of gin in a HALF PINT glass. Sign up next week and you get sod all.

Gin Gym Class Schedule

We offer daily classes for dedicated alcoholics and other hopeless losers leading aimless lives. These sessions ensure total drunkenness, but also allow you to keep somewhat toned belly flab so as to impress members of the opposite sex.

Sessions start from 6am, include mandatory gym drinking, and last until 8pm (if you’re still conscious, you’ll get a free pint of water to rehydrate yourself):

• 6am – High Intensity Training Liver Power Hour
• 8am – Dance Cardio and Vomiting
• 12am – Slurred Speech Circuit Training
• 3pm – Afternoon Nap
• 5pm – Swimming Lessons (in a 90% gin pool with 10% chlorine)
• 7pm – Drunken Brawl
• 8pm – Sessions Close (Bar Opens)

By 8pm, you’ll have consumed around three pints of gin. Once the bar opens at 8pm, you can then party the night away until you either die from alcohol poisoning or get rushed to hospital to have your stomach pumped.

Gin Gym Special: Chat Up Line Workouts

Our experienced, expert alcoholic gym instructors are also speciality trained in cringeworthy chat up lines. Please note, these have been tried and tested and may (or may not) result in a slap to the face:

• “Are you a Gin & Tonic? Because I like them, and if you are one, that means I like you, too, babe.”
• “Is it hot in here or are we about to cause a localised distillery explosion?”
• “This may just be the gin talking, but one look at you and I think I’m going to have liver failure.”
• “Are you a Sloe gin? Because you look like a terrible decision it’ll take 72 hours to recover from.”
• “You look like a Navy Strength 57% ABV gin. In a good way!”
• “Do you believe in love at first sight, or am I just pissed on gin again?”

Head out into wider society armed with these bad boys, you’ll be sure to pull a 10/10 banger before you can say, “I have consumed far too much gin this fine day”.

The Gin Gym: Work Out & Get Wasted 🍸💪🍹 [Sponsored Post]

Do you want to get fit AND be drunk? Then the Gin Gym located off the big roundabout (you know the one) in Preston city centre is the place to go!

Because sweating it out, one drunken blackout at a time, is a CLINICALLY PROVEN (please note, it is not clinically proven) way to get pub body ready.

💪🍸 Gin Gym: Sweat it Out, One Blackout at a Time 🍸💪

Going to the gym and getting wasted is the ultimate biohack, the best of both worlds, and it’s guaranteed to leave you hydrated, dehydrated, and mentally unstable.

Think wellness and rock hard abs is about alkaline water and raw organic kale? Bullshit! Lies! Corruption!

The path to a body of an Adonis is through the ancient science of what we call Anaesthetic Hyper-Training. BECAUSE WHY DO WEAKLINGS FAIL? Pain. That’s why. But when you’re pissed senseless on gin, you won’t be able to tell your body is crying out in agony after your 130th bench press.

Sign up today for £200 a week and train 24/7. That’s because the gym is open 24/7. Yes, you can get drunk and work out whenever you want! Or, join one of our tailored drunken sessions to get you flabby arse in order.

If you sign up today, you’ll get a COMPLETELY FREE pint of gin. Sign up tomorrow and you’ll get a PINT of gin in a HALF PINT glass. Sign up next week and you get sod all.

Gin Gym Class Schedule

We offer daily classes for dedicated alcoholics and other hopeless losers leading aimless lives. These sessions ensure total drunkenness, but also allow you to keep somewhat toned belly flab so as to impress members of the opposite sex.

Sessions start from 6am, include mandatory gym drinking, and last until 8pm (if you’re still conscious, you’ll get a free pint of water to rehydrate yourself):

• 6am – High Intensity Training Liver Power Hour
• 8am – Dance Cardio and Vomiting
• 12am – Slurred Speech Circuit Training
• 3pm – Afternoon Nap
• 5pm – Swimming Lessons (in a 90% gin pool with 10% chlorine)
• 7pm – Drunken Brawl
• 8pm – Sessions Close (Bar Opens)

By 8pm, you’ll have consumed around three pints of gin. Once the bar opens at 8pm, you can then party the night away until you either die from alcohol poisoning or get rushed to hospital to have your stomach pumped.

Gin Gym Special: Chat Up Line Workouts

Our experienced, expert alcoholic gym instructors are also speciality trained in cringeworthy chat up lines. Please note, these have been tried and tested and may (or may not) result in a slap to the face:

• “Are you a Gin & Tonic? Because I like them, and if you are one, that means I like you, too, babe.”
• “Is it hot in here or are we about to cause a localised distillery explosion?”
• “This may just be the gin talking, but one look at you and I think I’m going to have liver failure.”
• “Are you a Sloe gin? Because you look like a terrible decision it’ll take 72 hours to recover from.”
• “You look like a Navy Strength 57% ABV gin. In a good way!”
• “Do you believe in love at first sight, or am I just pissed on gin again?”

Head out into wider society armed with these bad boys, you’ll be sure to pull a 10/10 banger before you can say, “I have consumed far too much gin this fine day”.

Bone Broth: Prolific Death Metal Band Big on Bouillon 🥣

Some death metal bands are more focussed on nutritional broth-based foodstuffs than others. Bone Broth was a classic example, the 1993-1995 rockers who earned a cult following, before disbanding over broth-based differences.

This isn’t a tragic rock story, but it is one about broth, cooking, death metal, and learning to not even bother having a go because you’re probably not good enough.

The Rise and Boiling of Bone Broth: Death Metal’s Greatest Soup

Bone Broth formed in 1990. The band members were all working in a local steak restaurant and wanted to stick it to the rat race, so after three years of further mundane worked and delaying their instincts, they formed in 1993, released 17 albums over the next two years, but this excessive output was considered excessive and also led to a drop in musical quality.

Lead singer Bob “Bonesy” Jefferson told us, as part of an exclusive interview:

“You know, we were feeling the pressure, you know? Erm… you know? 17 albums in two years will, you know, take it, er, out of anyone, you know? There are only so many bone broth type songs you can actually write, you know? I reckon we did well, you know, writing 150 songs about it in such a short space of time, you know?”

After Bonesy was fired from the restaurant for urinating in the broth, the other members quit with him and formed the band. Bonesy noted:

“Yeah, you know, I did it. So what? I piddled in the soup, you know? I don’t regret it, you know, why should I? Had that not happened, you know, I’d never have written our best selling single Rabies Cheese and the Onset of Athlete’s Foot. You know?”

In a drunken celebration after leaving the restaurant, one fine evening in August of 1993 Bonesy wrote 35 songs for their debut album. This album is the cult classic Rabies Cheese and the Onset of Athlete’s Foot, with the eponymous lead single from this album charting 135th on the US Billboard Hot 100.

Spurred on by this success, he wrote 15 albums in three weeks, arguably the greatest achievement in the history of music. Bonesy told us:

“Some say I’m an genius, you know, and whom I am to say they is wrong, you know? They’re probably right, you know? 15 albums… it was a blur. I was up until 5am, sometimes not sleeping at all, you know? Just me, pen and paper, and a never-ending list of broth songs, you know?”

With 15 albums and 130 songs to play to new fans, the band hit the road and toured America in rundown venues offering low pay. As that didn’t result in fame and fortune, friction within the band reached boiling point.

Breakup: The Great Bouillon Betrayal

In August 1995, drummer Johnny “Lobster Bisque” Bridges was found snorting beef stock cubes behind a venue, right before a gig. Bonesy told us:

“I rounded on him, you know? What the fuck was he playing at, you know?! I was out of it on cocaine all day and night and what’s that layabout doing? He’s on… beef stock cubes [Bonesy puts his head in his hands at this point and sighs]. We knew then we’d have to disband immediately or Lobster Bisque was done for.”

Bonesy wrote two more albums in three days about beef stock cube addiction, then disbanded the group (to the protestations of the other members), and went 100% vegan.

“I was not having Lobster Bisque overdosing on beef stock cubes on me. I was not having Bone Broth turning into another rock and roll tragedy, you know? So, I opened a vegan café and in 2001 was arrested for being a communist.”

Bonesy is still in jail to this day. In 2022, he finally gave in to pressure and reformed Bone Broth. The members now perform prison-based gigs for the convicted criminals locked up, most of whom are fans of soup.

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

*sung as if Sublime’s Santeria*

♫ I don’t practice Trumporrhea
I don’t got explosive poops
But, if we had some public health
not just some stupid dupes
Then we could fine that Taylor
And then send their stock to hell
Well, I’d fed that bad CEO all the shit they sell ♫

#cyclospora #TaylorFarms #parody #funny #parasite #satirical #diarrhea

*sung as if Sublime’s Santeria*

♫ I don’t practice Trumporrhea
I don’t got explosive poops
But, if we had some public health
not just some stupid dupes
Then we could fine that Taylor
And then send their stock to hell
Well, I’d fed that bad CEO all the shit they sell ♫

#cyclospora #TaylorFarms #parody #funny #parasite #satirical #diarrhea

*sung as if Sublime’s Santeria*

♫ I don’t practice Trumporrhea
I don’t got explosive poops
But, if we had some public health
not just some stupid dupes
Then we could fine that Taylor
And then send their stock to hell
Well, I’d fed that bad CEO all the shit they sell ♫

#cyclospora #TaylorFarms #parody #funny #parasite #satirical #diarrhea

*sung as if Sublime’s Santeria*

♫ I don’t practice Trumporrhea
I don’t got explosive poops
But, if we had some public health
not just some stupid dupes
Then we could fine that Taylor
And then send their stock to hell
Well, I’d fed that bad CEO all the shit they sell ♫

#cyclospora #TaylorFarms #parody #funny #parasite #satirical #diarrhea

*sung as if Sublime’s Santeria*

♫ I don’t practice Trumporrhea
I don’t got explosive poops
But, if we had some public health
not just some stupid dupes
Then we could fine that Taylor
And then send their stock to hell
Well, I’d fed that bad CEO all the shit they sell ♫

#cyclospora #TaylorFarms #parody #funny #parasite #satirical #diarrhea

Ask Dr. Moron: “Are bangs dangerous for my hair in summer?” 💣💥🧨

To bangs or not to bangs? That is the haircut question. As once summer hits, the human female is up against a plethora of essential hair decisions. One of which may be to do bangs (or not).

Today’s filly in distress is here to pose such a question to our esteemed Dr. Moron, a man whom faced (and defeated) male pattern balding at age 31 and knows nothing about bangs (or hair for that matter) now aged 41. Such is his medical brilliance, he’s not letting that save this dame from herself.

The Dangers of Bangs During the Summer

Disclaimer: Pay no attention at all to our medical "advice", it is utter nonsense and you would be an imbecile to take any of it seriously (you foolish cretin).

Dear Dr. Moron,

I’m thinking of getting bangs as a cute new summer hairdo. What do you think? I’m 21, incredibly good looking (so can pull most hairdos off tbh) and a woman. I’m single atm and want to get some dead fit guys interested in me.

Will bangs do that, or will too many of them be slaughtered in the subsequent explosions associated with this type of fringe? Because I don’t want to be done for murder or anything, I just want a nice new haircut to impress my mates and get hot blokes interested in me.

My current look isn’t cutting it (no pun intended there) so yeah. Just want bangs, that’d do it right? So long as it doesn’t kill no one, as previously indicated (really gotta stress that point), so yeah let me know what you think. You dealt with many bangs related severe injuries and the like?

Kind regards,

Rachel

Hi there, Rachel. Yes, I have indeed had to deal with many horrific injuries as a direct result of the bangs haircut. It’s truly one of the most violent hairdos known to humankind and it’s very selfish to pursue this look, not least due to the devastation to:

• Buildings and other constructions
• Anyone you’re dating
• Your singed eyebrows

Do you want singed eyebrows, Rachel? Do you!? Well, that’s what going to happen with bangs. Plus, there’s the possibility your hair will explode during a date and wipe your date, you, and the place you’re in (e.g. a bar) out in one foul swoop.

Do you want that on your conscience, Rachel? Do you!?

Exactly, so there’s only one viable solution here. You need to buy a pair of buzzers and shave all your hair off. That may be in the exact opposite direction of where you wanted to head, but when people’s lives are on the line you just need to do the right thing, love. All the best.

Ask Dr. Moron: “Are bangs dangerous for my hair in summer?” 💣💥🧨

To bangs or not to bangs? That is the haircut question. As once summer hits, the human female is up against a plethora of essential hair decisions. One of which may be to do bangs (or not).

Today’s filly in distress is here to pose such a question to our esteemed Dr. Moron, a man whom faced (and defeated) male pattern balding at age 31 and knows nothing about bangs (or hair for that matter) now aged 41. Such is his medical brilliance, he’s not letting that save this dame from herself.

The Dangers of Bangs During the Summer

Disclaimer: Pay no attention at all to our medical "advice", it is utter nonsense and you would be an imbecile to take any of it seriously (you foolish cretin).

Dear Dr. Moron,

I’m thinking of getting bangs as a cute new summer hairdo. What do you think? I’m 21, incredibly good looking (so can pull most hairdos off tbh) and a woman. I’m single atm and want to get some dead fit guys interested in me.

Will bangs do that, or will too many of them be slaughtered in the subsequent explosions associated with this type of fringe? Because I don’t want to be done for murder or anything, I just want a nice new haircut to impress my mates and get hot blokes interested in me.

My current look isn’t cutting it (no pun intended there) so yeah. Just want bangs, that’d do it right? So long as it doesn’t kill no one, as previously indicated (really gotta stress that point), so yeah let me know what you think. You dealt with many bangs related severe injuries and the like?

Kind regards,

Rachel

Hi there, Rachel. Yes, I have indeed had to deal with many horrific injuries as a direct result of the bangs haircut. It’s truly one of the most violent hairdos known to humankind and it’s very selfish to pursue this look, not least due to the devastation to:

• Buildings and other constructions
• Anyone you’re dating
• Your singed eyebrows

Do you want singed eyebrows, Rachel? Do you!? Well, that’s what going to happen with bangs. Plus, there’s the possibility your hair will explode during a date and wipe your date, you, and the place you’re in (e.g. a bar) out in one foul swoop.

Do you want that on your conscience, Rachel? Do you!?

Exactly, so there’s only one viable solution here. You need to buy a pair of buzzers and shave all your hair off. That may be in the exact opposite direction of where you wanted to head, but when people’s lives are on the line you just need to do the right thing, love. All the best.

Ask Dr. Moron: “Are bangs dangerous for my hair in summer?” 💣💥🧨

To bangs or not to bangs? That is the haircut question. As once summer hits, the human female is up against a plethora of essential hair decisions. One of which may be to do bangs (or not).

Today’s filly in distress is here to pose such a question to our esteemed Dr. Moron, a man whom faced (and defeated) male pattern balding at age 31 and knows nothing about bangs (or hair for that matter) now aged 41. Such is his medical brilliance, he’s not letting that save this dame from herself.

The Dangers of Bangs During the Summer

Disclaimer: Pay no attention at all to our medical "advice", it is utter nonsense and you would be an imbecile to take any of it seriously (you foolish cretin).

Dear Dr. Moron,

I’m thinking of getting bangs as a cute new summer hairdo. What do you think? I’m 21, incredibly good looking (so can pull most hairdos off tbh) and a woman. I’m single atm and want to get some dead fit guys interested in me.

Will bangs do that, or will too many of them be slaughtered in the subsequent explosions associated with this type of fringe? Because I don’t want to be done for murder or anything, I just want a nice new haircut to impress my mates and get hot blokes interested in me.

My current look isn’t cutting it (no pun intended there) so yeah. Just want bangs, that’d do it right? So long as it doesn’t kill no one, as previously indicated (really gotta stress that point), so yeah let me know what you think. You dealt with many bangs related severe injuries and the like?

Kind regards,

Rachel

Hi there, Rachel. Yes, I have indeed had to deal with many horrific injuries as a direct result of the bangs haircut. It’s truly one of the most violent hairdos known to humankind and it’s very selfish to pursue this look, not least due to the devastation to:

• Buildings and other constructions
• Anyone you’re dating
• Your singed eyebrows

Do you want singed eyebrows, Rachel? Do you!? Well, that’s what going to happen with bangs. Plus, there’s the possibility your hair will explode during a date and wipe your date, you, and the place you’re in (e.g. a bar) out in one foul swoop.

Do you want that on your conscience, Rachel? Do you!?

Exactly, so there’s only one viable solution here. You need to buy a pair of buzzers and shave all your hair off. That may be in the exact opposite direction of where you wanted to head, but when people’s lives are on the line you just need to do the right thing, love. All the best.

Ask Dr. Moron: “Are bangs dangerous for my hair in summer?” 💣💥🧨

To bangs or not to bangs? That is the haircut question. As once summer hits, the human female is up against a plethora of essential hair decisions. One of which may be to do bangs (or not).

Today’s filly in distress is here to pose such a question to our esteemed Dr. Moron, a man whom faced (and defeated) male pattern balding at age 31 and knows nothing about bangs (or hair for that matter) now aged 41. Such is his medical brilliance, he’s not letting that save this dame from herself.

The Dangers of Bangs During the Summer

Disclaimer: Pay no attention at all to our medical "advice", it is utter nonsense and you would be an imbecile to take any of it seriously (you foolish cretin).

Dear Dr. Moron,

I’m thinking of getting bangs as a cute new summer hairdo. What do you think? I’m 21, incredibly good looking (so can pull most hairdos off tbh) and a woman. I’m single atm and want to get some dead fit guys interested in me.

Will bangs do that, or will too many of them be slaughtered in the subsequent explosions associated with this type of fringe? Because I don’t want to be done for murder or anything, I just want a nice new haircut to impress my mates and get hot blokes interested in me.

My current look isn’t cutting it (no pun intended there) so yeah. Just want bangs, that’d do it right? So long as it doesn’t kill no one, as previously indicated (really gotta stress that point), so yeah let me know what you think. You dealt with many bangs related severe injuries and the like?

Kind regards,

Rachel

Hi there, Rachel. Yes, I have indeed had to deal with many horrific injuries as a direct result of the bangs haircut. It’s truly one of the most violent hairdos known to humankind and it’s very selfish to pursue this look, not least due to the devastation to:

• Buildings and other constructions
• Anyone you’re dating
• Your singed eyebrows

Do you want singed eyebrows, Rachel? Do you!? Well, that’s what going to happen with bangs. Plus, there’s the possibility your hair will explode during a date and wipe your date, you, and the place you’re in (e.g. a bar) out in one foul swoop.

Do you want that on your conscience, Rachel? Do you!?

Exactly, so there’s only one viable solution here. You need to buy a pair of buzzers and shave all your hair off. That may be in the exact opposite direction of where you wanted to head, but when people’s lives are on the line you just need to do the right thing, love. All the best.

Ask Dr. Moron: “Are bangs dangerous for my hair in summer?” 💣💥🧨

To bangs or not to bangs? That is the haircut question. As once summer hits, the human female is up against a plethora of essential hair decisions. One of which may be to do bangs (or not).

Today’s filly in distress is here to pose such a question to our esteemed Dr. Moron, a man whom faced (and defeated) male pattern balding at age 31 and knows nothing about bangs (or hair for that matter) now aged 41. Such is his medical brilliance, he’s not letting that save this dame from herself.

The Dangers of Bangs During the Summer

Disclaimer: Pay no attention at all to our medical "advice", it is utter nonsense and you would be an imbecile to take any of it seriously (you foolish cretin).

Dear Dr. Moron,

I’m thinking of getting bangs as a cute new summer hairdo. What do you think? I’m 21, incredibly good looking (so can pull most hairdos off tbh) and a woman. I’m single atm and want to get some dead fit guys interested in me.

Will bangs do that, or will too many of them be slaughtered in the subsequent explosions associated with this type of fringe? Because I don’t want to be done for murder or anything, I just want a nice new haircut to impress my mates and get hot blokes interested in me.

My current look isn’t cutting it (no pun intended there) so yeah. Just want bangs, that’d do it right? So long as it doesn’t kill no one, as previously indicated (really gotta stress that point), so yeah let me know what you think. You dealt with many bangs related severe injuries and the like?

Kind regards,

Rachel

Hi there, Rachel. Yes, I have indeed had to deal with many horrific injuries as a direct result of the bangs haircut. It’s truly one of the most violent hairdos known to humankind and it’s very selfish to pursue this look, not least due to the devastation to:

• Buildings and other constructions
• Anyone you’re dating
• Your singed eyebrows

Do you want singed eyebrows, Rachel? Do you!? Well, that’s what going to happen with bangs. Plus, there’s the possibility your hair will explode during a date and wipe your date, you, and the place you’re in (e.g. a bar) out in one foul swoop.

Do you want that on your conscience, Rachel? Do you!?

Exactly, so there’s only one viable solution here. You need to buy a pair of buzzers and shave all your hair off. That may be in the exact opposite direction of where you wanted to head, but when people’s lives are on the line you just need to do the right thing, love. All the best.

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynWhozyOoZQ

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynWhozyOoZQ

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynWhozyOoZQ

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynWhozyOoZQ

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynWhozyOoZQ

Hop-Line: 24/7 Helpline for Frogs and Toads 🐸 [Sponsored Post]

Wart’s up, froggos and toads? In this stressful 24/7 frog race world of work, hopping, ribbits, and vacant staring into the middle distance, it’s always nice to know a kindly listening frog is only a phone call away.

Whether you have Kermit-ment issues to your amphibian spouse, you’ve lost your lily pad, or you don’t see the point in hopping no more, call the Hop-Line today to resolve all your ills.

Is Your Pond a Toxic Swamp? Call Now On: 1-900-RIBB-IT

Our Hop-Line is staffed 24/7 by a team of 33,000 eager good Samaritan volunteer frogs and toads with nothing better to do with their team than help others.

We know your pain points, for frogs have many issues in life. So hop to it, give us a call, and discuss issues such as:

• Why you always feel so slimy and gross
• Why the neighbourhood cat keeps prodding you with its paws
• The nature and being of herons
• Raising an army of 300 frog spawn and the problems they bring
• You can’t hop, won’t hop, yet want to hop

So, whether you’re a tadpole facing employment issues or a bullfrog dealing with a mass of noise complaints, you can call us NOW to deal with:

• Metamorphosis anxiety: Woken up and your tail is gone? We’re got a cream for that!
• Dietary fatigue: Bored of eating nothing but the same species? You need to switch to a new diet, carefully honed to your needs by our expert frog chefs!
• Relationship red flags: Is that other frog into you, or is he simply inflating his vocal sac to assert dominance in his bid for pond retention status? We have the answers! Ribbit!

Call us now on: 1-900-RIBB-IT. It’s COMPLETELY FREE (as opposed to partially free)!

And, of course, we know you don’t own, know how to operate, and have no concept of what a phone call is. You’re a frog/toad after all! Instead, simply rear your head to the sky and ribbit that number: 1-900-RIBB-IT.

Once we hear you, we’ll eventually send one of our experts to you destination within 12 months to 35 years later.

Testimonials From Our Happy Hop-Line Customers

“Ribbit!” Jeff the frog

“CroooOak.” John the toad

“Ribbit! Croak…” Bob the frog

“Qwark! Qwarrrrrk! Qwark.” Mike the toad

“One contacted this God-forsaken supposed ‘helpline’ for advice on the many acres of land within one’s hereditary lineage. To one’s eternal shock, all one could hear were the sounds of God-forsaken frogs croaking, ribbiting, and qwarking upon the other end of one’s receiver. Greatly dismayed, one abandoned the call and stalked off to berate one of one’s numerous and plentiful underpaid maids.” Dame Penelope Twistleton-Clad Smithson III of Dorchester

Hop-Line: 24/7 Helpline for Frogs and Toads 🐸 [Sponsored Post]

Wart’s up, froggos and toads? In this stressful 24/7 frog race world of work, hopping, ribbits, and vacant staring into the middle distance, it’s always nice to know a kindly listening frog is only a phone call away.

Whether you have Kermit-ment issues to your amphibian spouse, you’ve lost your lily pad, or you don’t see the point in hopping no more, call the Hop-Line today to resolve all your ills.

Is Your Pond a Toxic Swamp? Call Now On: 1-900-RIBB-IT

Our Hop-Line is staffed 24/7 by a team of 33,000 eager good Samaritan volunteer frogs and toads with nothing better to do with their team than help others.

We know your pain points, for frogs have many issues in life. So hop to it, give us a call, and discuss issues such as:

• Why you always feel so slimy and gross
• Why the neighbourhood cat keeps prodding you with its paws
• The nature and being of herons
• Raising an army of 300 frog spawn and the problems they bring
• You can’t hop, won’t hop, yet want to hop

So, whether you’re a tadpole facing employment issues or a bullfrog dealing with a mass of noise complaints, you can call us NOW to deal with:

• Metamorphosis anxiety: Woken up and your tail is gone? We’re got a cream for that!
• Dietary fatigue: Bored of eating nothing but the same species? You need to switch to a new diet, carefully honed to your needs by our expert frog chefs!
• Relationship red flags: Is that other frog into you, or is he simply inflating his vocal sac to assert dominance in his bid for pond retention status? We have the answers! Ribbit!

Call us now on: 1-900-RIBB-IT. It’s COMPLETELY FREE (as opposed to partially free)!

And, of course, we know you don’t own, know how to operate, and have no concept of what a phone call is. You’re a frog/toad after all! Instead, simply rear your head to the sky and ribbit that number: 1-900-RIBB-IT.

Once we hear you, we’ll eventually send one of our experts to you destination within 12 months to 35 years later.

Testimonials From Our Happy Hop-Line Customers

“Ribbit!” Jeff the frog

“CroooOak.” John the toad

“Ribbit! Croak…” Bob the frog

“Qwark! Qwarrrrrk! Qwark.” Mike the toad

“One contacted this God-forsaken supposed ‘helpline’ for advice on the many acres of land within one’s hereditary lineage. To one’s eternal shock, all one could hear were the sounds of God-forsaken frogs croaking, ribbiting, and qwarking upon the other end of one’s receiver. Greatly dismayed, one abandoned the call and stalked off to berate one of one’s numerous and plentiful underpaid maids.” Dame Penelope Twistleton-Clad Smithson III of Dorchester

Hop-Line: 24/7 Helpline for Frogs and Toads 🐸 [Sponsored Post]

Wart’s up, froggos and toads? In this stressful 24/7 frog race world of work, hopping, ribbits, and vacant staring into the middle distance, it’s always nice to know a kindly listening frog is only a phone call away.

Whether you have Kermit-ment issues to your amphibian spouse, you’ve lost your lily pad, or you don’t see the point in hopping no more, call the Hop-Line today to resolve all your ills.

Is Your Pond a Toxic Swamp? Call Now On: 1-900-RIBB-IT

Our Hop-Line is staffed 24/7 by a team of 33,000 eager good Samaritan volunteer frogs and toads with nothing better to do with their team than help others.

We know your pain points, for frogs have many issues in life. So hop to it, give us a call, and discuss issues such as:

• Why you always feel so slimy and gross
• Why the neighbourhood cat keeps prodding you with its paws
• The nature and being of herons
• Raising an army of 300 frog spawn and the problems they bring
• You can’t hop, won’t hop, yet want to hop

So, whether you’re a tadpole facing employment issues or a bullfrog dealing with a mass of noise complaints, you can call us NOW to deal with:

• Metamorphosis anxiety: Woken up and your tail is gone? We’re got a cream for that!
• Dietary fatigue: Bored of eating nothing but the same species? You need to switch to a new diet, carefully honed to your needs by our expert frog chefs!
• Relationship red flags: Is that other frog into you, or is he simply inflating his vocal sac to assert dominance in his bid for pond retention status? We have the answers! Ribbit!

Call us now on: 1-900-RIBB-IT. It’s COMPLETELY FREE (as opposed to partially free)!

And, of course, we know you don’t own, know how to operate, and have no concept of what a phone call is. You’re a frog/toad after all! Instead, simply rear your head to the sky and ribbit that number: 1-900-RIBB-IT.

Once we hear you, we’ll eventually send one of our experts to you destination within 12 months to 35 years later.

Testimonials From Our Happy Hop-Line Customers

“Ribbit!” Jeff the frog

“CroooOak.” John the toad

“Ribbit! Croak…” Bob the frog

“Qwark! Qwarrrrrk! Qwark.” Mike the toad

“One contacted this God-forsaken supposed ‘helpline’ for advice on the many acres of land within one’s hereditary lineage. To one’s eternal shock, all one could hear were the sounds of God-forsaken frogs croaking, ribbiting, and qwarking upon the other end of one’s receiver. Greatly dismayed, one abandoned the call and stalked off to berate one of one’s numerous and plentiful underpaid maids.” Dame Penelope Twistleton-Clad Smithson III of Dorchester

Hop-Line: 24/7 Helpline for Frogs and Toads 🐸 [Sponsored Post]

Wart’s up, froggos and toads? In this stressful 24/7 frog race world of work, hopping, ribbits, and vacant staring into the middle distance, it’s always nice to know a kindly listening frog is only a phone call away.

Whether you have Kermit-ment issues to your amphibian spouse, you’ve lost your lily pad, or you don’t see the point in hopping no more, call the Hop-Line today to resolve all your ills.

Is Your Pond a Toxic Swamp? Call Now On: 1-900-RIBB-IT

Our Hop-Line is staffed 24/7 by a team of 33,000 eager good Samaritan volunteer frogs and toads with nothing better to do with their team than help others.

We know your pain points, for frogs have many issues in life. So hop to it, give us a call, and discuss issues such as:

• Why you always feel so slimy and gross
• Why the neighbourhood cat keeps prodding you with its paws
• The nature and being of herons
• Raising an army of 300 frog spawn and the problems they bring
• You can’t hop, won’t hop, yet want to hop

So, whether you’re a tadpole facing employment issues or a bullfrog dealing with a mass of noise complaints, you can call us NOW to deal with:

• Metamorphosis anxiety: Woken up and your tail is gone? We’re got a cream for that!
• Dietary fatigue: Bored of eating nothing but the same species? You need to switch to a new diet, carefully honed to your needs by our expert frog chefs!
• Relationship red flags: Is that other frog into you, or is he simply inflating his vocal sac to assert dominance in his bid for pond retention status? We have the answers! Ribbit!

Call us now on: 1-900-RIBB-IT. It’s COMPLETELY FREE (as opposed to partially free)!

And, of course, we know you don’t own, know how to operate, and have no concept of what a phone call is. You’re a frog/toad after all! Instead, simply rear your head to the sky and ribbit that number: 1-900-RIBB-IT.

Once we hear you, we’ll eventually send one of our experts to you destination within 12 months to 35 years later.

Testimonials From Our Happy Hop-Line Customers

“Ribbit!” Jeff the frog

“CroooOak.” John the toad

“Ribbit! Croak…” Bob the frog

“Qwark! Qwarrrrrk! Qwark.” Mike the toad

“One contacted this God-forsaken supposed ‘helpline’ for advice on the many acres of land within one’s hereditary lineage. To one’s eternal shock, all one could hear were the sounds of God-forsaken frogs croaking, ribbiting, and qwarking upon the other end of one’s receiver. Greatly dismayed, one abandoned the call and stalked off to berate one of one’s numerous and plentiful underpaid maids.” Dame Penelope Twistleton-Clad Smithson III of Dorchester

The Makeshifts: Temporary Band With a Fleeting History 🎤

The shortest band to ever have lived is The Makeshifts. Formed in Manchester in August of 1992, the band named themselves after makeshift scaffolding, before splitting up in August 1992 due to artistic differences.

During that time, the band was able to release one single: The Makeshifts. It performed poorly in the charts and contributed to the band splitting, although a notorious incident with some scaffolding (not makeshift) also (notoriously) added to the band’s demise.

Not Even a One Hit Wonder: Have a Go Losers The Makeshifts

“I wanted to get a band together, so I did. Then I realised I had no discernible talent for being in a band, so I wanted out, and the others didn’t, but then we realised we all hated each other. It was a bit shit, really.”

The words of Stu Jones, lead singer of the band, in a BBC interview from August of 1995. The group consisted of him and:

• Drummer Barry Barryson
• Guitarist John Johnson
• Bassist Lucy Lucyson

They dreamt of making it big, driven along by their extreme genius, complemented by not at all being in for the money at all, because it was all about the music.

After three rehearsal sessions performing Foo Fighters covers, the band penned the instant classic single The Makeshifts. The lyrics are outstanding:

Near my house there’s some scaffold,
It makes me a bit baffled,
Like I’m being raffled,
But I am well travelled.

Makeshift scaffolding,
Ooooh ooh ohhh na na na naaaa,
Makeshift scaffolding,
Ooooh ooh ohhh na na na naaaa.

Certain of the song’s success, the band headed to a recording studio and spent £1,000 of their own hard earned cash to get the song recorded and set for release.

The Scaffolding Incident

To promote their debut single, the band decided to host a gig on some makeshift scaffolding near to Manchester city centre. A small crowd of 33 people congregated around the event, but fled in panic when the scaffolding collapsed due to the weight of the four members.

All four members suffered broken limbs in the incident. Whilst they recovered, this derailed any further possibility of recording new music. Stu Jones recalled in an August 1998 interview with OME (Old Musical Express):

“My legs and pelvis were shattered. It were a good song, but I couldn’t not even enjoy it. That were a bad time… thankfully, since then I’ve discovered cocaine and my addiction to it has enabled me to move on to an exciting new phase of my life—being a drug addict!”

The other members formed a new band, The Scaffolding, still believing the angle of makeshift construction equipment was the ideal route to take for modern rock music. They released their debut album in 1999: Scaffolding of Love. The album met with dire reviews, commercial failure, and the group disbanded for good.

Subsequent Makeshift Reformations

In February 2022, all four members reunited as The Makeshift Scaffolding, but separated two months later without releasing any material. They reformed again in 2023, 2024, and 2025 without releasing any new material, each reformation lasting for less than a month.

In January 2026, Stu Jones announced the band would never reform again.

In February 2026, The Makeshifts reformed and attempted to sell out the Heaton Park venue outside of Manchester city centre. They sold two tickets and disbanded (also in February 2026) due to a lack of interest in the latest reformation.

The band members have since pledged to never reform ever again, except maybe in 2027 and 2028.

Agony Aunt: “Suntan lotion is woke propaganda!” ⛱️☀️🌅

It’s that time of year again when UK geezers in a heatwave take on the giant star at the centre of our solar system. And UK geezers will always win, as the Sun is woke.

But what if you have a doting wife, looking on at your manly husband, concerned about his wellbeing? Quit nagging, lady, you need to cut that woke out!

When a Woman Complains About Manly Sunburn

Alright mate? I’m Danny. 35. Got 3 kids, the missus is a banger and we’ve just been on holiday to Spain. It were dead good but THE WIFE were nagging the whole trip because of me sunburn. It were manly sunburn. Sunburn is manly. I got it over 57% of me body and were beaming red even when I got home to Preston and showed me mates down the pub and it were banging. Pub landlord looked at me and gave me a free pint saying I were a hero for the nation. It were the best day of me life!

Then the nagging went on and on and on. The wife were on my case about how I were “red raw” and that me grunts of agony and “strained” facial expressions of agony, and the occasional scream of sunburn agony, were worrying her. Yeah, it hurts like a bastard but that’s the price you pay for NOT BEING WOKE.

Because what am I gonna do, slather my body in suntan lotion!? I’ve read the conspiracy theories me and I know the truth. The truth scares me rigid and gives me anxiety attacks when I think about it:

• Suntan lotion has mind-altering chemicals in it that makes you a leftist feminist
• Suntan lotion gives you rabies
• My mate went woke and used suntan lotion last week and now he’s dead because he was run over by a car and you can’t tell me that’s not coincidence
• Suntan lotion means you don’t get sunburn and that’s woke and I want to be manly

Think I’ve made me case clear as day. Sound as a pound. Yeah, I’ve spent all my time typing this shouting sweet bloody murder because of the sunburn, but it does mean I got to skip work and that’s what life is all about, mate! Eh? So tell me wife to SLING HER HOOK so I can continue on me way, being a real man, not being a jessy.

Cheers,

Danny

Hi there, Danny! Not really sure what to add here other than you clearly have your priorities in life sorted. However, and whomever, it’s important to remember that old adage:

“A sunburn is for life, not just for Christmas.”

Therefore, you are indeed right to get on your wife’s case about this. You’re caring for, and nurturing, your sunburn into the next generation, so that future sunburns will be even more manly for the men of this world. That is simply science, based on empirical evidence, as God as our witness.

You’re a real hero, Danny. There aren’t many around these woke days, but from now on we mark 29th June as an annual tribute day to Danny, the sunburned man who screams in agony every time he breathes.

Agony Aunt: “Suntan lotion is woke propaganda!” ⛱️☀️🌅

It’s that time of year again when UK geezers in a heatwave take on the giant star at the centre of our solar system. And UK geezers will always win, as the Sun is woke.

But what if you have a doting wife, looking on at your manly husband, concerned about his wellbeing? Quit nagging, lady, you need to cut that woke out!

When a Woman Complains About Manly Sunburn

Alright mate? I’m Danny. 35. Got 3 kids, the missus is a banger and we’ve just been on holiday to Spain. It were dead good but THE WIFE were nagging the whole trip because of me sunburn. It were manly sunburn. Sunburn is manly. I got it over 57% of me body and were beaming red even when I got home to Preston and showed me mates down the pub and it were banging. Pub landlord looked at me and gave me a free pint saying I were a hero for the nation. It were the best day of me life!

Then the nagging went on and on and on. The wife were on my case about how I were “red raw” and that me grunts of agony and “strained” facial expressions of agony, and the occasional scream of sunburn agony, were worrying her. Yeah, it hurts like a bastard but that’s the price you pay for NOT BEING WOKE.

Because what am I gonna do, slather my body in suntan lotion!? I’ve read the conspiracy theories me and I know the truth. The truth scares me rigid and gives me anxiety attacks when I think about it:

• Suntan lotion has mind-altering chemicals in it that makes you a leftist feminist
• Suntan lotion gives you rabies
• My mate went woke and used suntan lotion last week and now he’s dead because he was run over by a car and you can’t tell me that’s not coincidence
• Suntan lotion means you don’t get sunburn and that’s woke and I want to be manly

Think I’ve made me case clear as day. Sound as a pound. Yeah, I’ve spent all my time typing this shouting sweet bloody murder because of the sunburn, but it does mean I got to skip work and that’s what life is all about, mate! Eh? So tell me wife to SLING HER HOOK so I can continue on me way, being a real man, not being a jessy.

Cheers,

Danny

Hi there, Danny! Not really sure what to add here other than you clearly have your priorities in life sorted. However, and whomever, it’s important to remember that old adage:

“A sunburn is for life, not just for Christmas.”

Therefore, you are indeed right to get on your wife’s case about this. You’re caring for, and nurturing, your sunburn into the next generation, so that future sunburns will be even more manly for the men of this world. That is simply science, based on empirical evidence, as God as our witness.

You’re a real hero, Danny. There aren’t many around these woke days, but from now on we mark 29th June as an annual tribute day to Danny, the sunburned man who screams in agony every time he breathes.

Job Interviews In 2026: https://youtu.be/yoSDn_wEAW8

#Satirical #Comedy #RyanGeorge

Job Interviews In 2026: https://youtu.be/yoSDn_wEAW8

#Satirical #Comedy #RyanGeorge

Job Interviews In 2026: https://youtu.be/yoSDn_wEAW8

#Satirical #Comedy #RyanGeorge

Job Interviews In 2026: https://youtu.be/yoSDn_wEAW8

#Satirical #Comedy #RyanGeorge

Job Interviews In 2026: https://youtu.be/yoSDn_wEAW8

#Satirical #Comedy #RyanGeorge

WE ARE CLOSED DUE TO UK HEATWAVE CRISIS 🥵🔥🥵

As reported yesterday in the Geezer Guide to UK heatwaves, we have a heatwave in the UK. As near 30 degree Celsius heat boils the nation, electricity lines are failing and communication will return to pigeon mail and telegrams.

Whilst there is no need to panic, there is also every need to panic.

Do whatever it takes to survive: ram-raid an off-licence for ice packs, go for a swim in a canal, or walk around in those man shorts that normally would be the fashion death sentence of you. WE SHALL PREVAIL, BLIGHTY! For we have made it through worse…

Closed for Annual Heatwave Theatrics

The Professional Moron team has spent the morning of 23/06/2026 in a state of total hysterics. No work has been completed and we’ve even resorted to writing sentences in passive voice, such is the delirious onset of heatstroke.

Manchester is baking. Google has issued a severe high temperature warning (see above the above paragraph).

Weathermen on TV wearing flamboyant shirts with nice hair are pointing at weather screens and mansplaining at us we’re about to die.

We’re not being dramatic when we say this is the most extreme weather ever seen in the history of the Earth. It’s as if Blighty is being punished for the dissolution of the British Empire.

We have written a poem to the gods in the hope they have mercy on us here in Great Britain. This is the, aforementioned, poem:

Oh my god it is hot,
Bloody damn blast and drat,
I just trod in a cow pat.

Stay safe out there, British citizens, and keep in mind we can pull through this simply by blaming the heatwave on immigrants.

WE ARE CLOSED DUE TO UK HEATWAVE CRISIS 🥵🔥🥵

As reported yesterday in the Geezer Guide to UK heatwaves, we have a heatwave in the UK. As near 30 degree Celsius heat boils the nation, electricity lines are failing and communication will return to pigeon mail and telegrams.

Whilst there is no need to panic, there is also every need to panic.

Do whatever it takes to survive: ram-raid an off-licence for ice packs, go for a swim in a canal, or walk around in those man shorts that normally would be the fashion death sentence of you. WE SHALL PREVAIL, BLIGHTY! For we have made it through worse…

Closed for Annual Heatwave Theatrics

The Professional Moron team has spent the morning of 23/06/2026 in a state of total hysterics. No work has been completed and we’ve even resorted to writing sentences in passive voice, such is the delirious onset of heatstroke.

Manchester is baking. Google has issued a severe high temperature warning (see above the above paragraph).

Weathermen on TV wearing flamboyant shirts with nice hair are pointing at weather screens and mansplaining at us we’re about to die.

We’re not being dramatic when we say this is the most extreme weather ever seen in the history of the Earth. It’s as if Blighty is being punished for the dissolution of the British Empire.

We have written a poem to the gods in the hope they have mercy on us here in Great Britain. This is the, aforementioned, poem:

Oh my god it is hot,
Bloody damn blast and drat,
I just trod in a cow pat.

Stay safe out there, British citizens, and keep in mind we can pull through this simply by blaming the heatwave on immigrants.

WE ARE CLOSED DUE TO UK HEATWAVE CRISIS 🥵🔥🥵

As reported yesterday in the Geezer Guide to UK heatwaves, we have a heatwave in the UK. As near 30 degree Celsius heat boils the nation, electricity lines are failing and communication will return to pigeon mail and telegrams.

Whilst there is no need to panic, there is also every need to panic.

Do whatever it takes to survive: ram-raid an off-licence for ice packs, go for a swim in a canal, or walk around in those man shorts that normally would be the fashion death sentence of you. WE SHALL PREVAIL, BLIGHTY! For we have made it through worse…

Closed for Annual Heatwave Theatrics

The Professional Moron team has spent the morning of 23/06/2026 in a state of total hysterics. No work has been completed and we’ve even resorted to writing sentences in passive voice, such is the delirious onset of heatstroke.

Manchester is baking. Google has issued a severe high temperature warning (see above the above paragraph).

Weathermen on TV wearing flamboyant shirts with nice hair are pointing at weather screens and mansplaining at us we’re about to die.

We’re not being dramatic when we say this is the most extreme weather ever seen in the history of the Earth. It’s as if Blighty is being punished for the dissolution of the British Empire.

We have written a poem to the gods in the hope they have mercy on us here in Great Britain. This is the, aforementioned, poem:

Oh my god it is hot,
Bloody damn blast and drat,
I just trod in a cow pat.

Stay safe out there, British citizens, and keep in mind we can pull through this simply by blaming the heatwave on immigrants.

WE ARE CLOSED DUE TO UK HEATWAVE CRISIS 🥵🔥🥵

As reported yesterday in the Geezer Guide to UK heatwaves, we have a heatwave in the UK. As near 30 degree Celsius heat boils the nation, electricity lines are failing and communication will return to pigeon mail and telegrams.

Whilst there is no need to panic, there is also every need to panic.

Do whatever it takes to survive: ram-raid an off-licence for ice packs, go for a swim in a canal, or walk around in those man shorts that normally would be the fashion death sentence of you. WE SHALL PREVAIL, BLIGHTY! For we have made it through worse…

Closed for Annual Heatwave Theatrics

The Professional Moron team has spent the morning of 23/06/2026 in a state of total hysterics. No work has been completed and we’ve even resorted to writing sentences in passive voice, such is the delirious onset of heatstroke.

Manchester is baking. Google has issued a severe high temperature warning (see above the above paragraph).

Weathermen on TV wearing flamboyant shirts with nice hair are pointing at weather screens and mansplaining at us we’re about to die.

We’re not being dramatic when we say this is the most extreme weather ever seen in the history of the Earth. It’s as if Blighty is being punished for the dissolution of the British Empire.

We have written a poem to the gods in the hope they have mercy on us here in Great Britain. This is the, aforementioned, poem:

Oh my god it is hot,
Bloody damn blast and drat,
I just trod in a cow pat.

Stay safe out there, British citizens, and keep in mind we can pull through this simply by blaming the heatwave on immigrants.

WE ARE CLOSED DUE TO UK HEATWAVE CRISIS 🥵🔥🥵

As reported yesterday in the Geezer Guide to UK heatwaves, we have a heatwave in the UK. As near 30 degree Celsius heat boils the nation, electricity lines are failing and communication will return to pigeon mail and telegrams.

Whilst there is no need to panic, there is also every need to panic.

Do whatever it takes to survive: ram-raid an off-licence for ice packs, go for a swim in a canal, or walk around in those man shorts that normally would be the fashion death sentence of you. WE SHALL PREVAIL, BLIGHTY! For we have made it through worse…

Closed for Annual Heatwave Theatrics

The Professional Moron team has spent the morning of 23/06/2026 in a state of total hysterics. No work has been completed and we’ve even resorted to writing sentences in passive voice, such is the delirious onset of heatstroke.

Manchester is baking. Google has issued a severe high temperature warning (see above the above paragraph).

Weathermen on TV wearing flamboyant shirts with nice hair are pointing at weather screens and mansplaining at us we’re about to die.

We’re not being dramatic when we say this is the most extreme weather ever seen in the history of the Earth. It’s as if Blighty is being punished for the dissolution of the British Empire.

We have written a poem to the gods in the hope they have mercy on us here in Great Britain. This is the, aforementioned, poem:

Oh my god it is hot,
Bloody damn blast and drat,
I just trod in a cow pat.

Stay safe out there, British citizens, and keep in mind we can pull through this simply by blaming the heatwave on immigrants.

Geezer Guide to Heatwaves in England ☀️🍻👊🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

Okay, we don’t get much sun  in England. From October to May it’s cold, rainy, and/or overcast most of the time (and that’s how we like it). Then, suddenly, the heat kicks in and we’ve got a summer.

That lasts from around mid-June to late September with military precision.

And it’s fair to say many Brits aren’t all prepared for the sudden onset of heat, lose their shit a bit, embarrass themselves, and turn the nation into a part-time Barbados experience. Slap on the suntan lotion, this is how it does down.

🌞 How to Participate in a British Heatwave 🌞

It’s essential you realise the British heatwave constitutes about 31°C (87.8°F), which for other areas of the world may seem pathetic. Americans, for instance, will think that’s ridiculous. And it probably is. However, and indubitably, the British heatwave at once represents a:

• Holiday whilst at home (staycation)
• Full blown national crisis
• Cultural phenomenon

All-in-one! Thus, society grinds to a halt (buses, trains etc. stop working), people get hot and sweaty, but also it’s a time for celebration because it’s dead hot and that’s like being in Ibiza, mate.

Geezerdom: Homo Britannicus Scorchio

There’s a specific subsect of the British male known as geezers whom enjoy drinking beer, watching football, and reading the tabloids. Whilst classed as geezers, the official Latin term is Homo Britannicus Scorchio. During any heatwave, they’re heavily sunburned and half drunk.

To fit in with the these geezers, there are five core steps you must follow:

1. Be utterly delusional and detached in your sense of self
2. No matter where you are, rip your top off at the slightest hint of sunshine
   1. Combine with flip-flops for the ultimate experience
3. Don’t bother with suntan lotion, that’s woke
4. Sunburn is incredibly attractive, so get it and then hit on hot birds
5. Bellow annoying Oasis songs (mainly Wonderwall) in a blokey voice

Starting a fight with anyone and everyone is also a splendid way of adopting our welcoming British geezer customs.

How to Approach Your British Shopping Experience in a Tesco During a Heatwave

A massive part of the British heatwave experience is heading into Tesco (a supermarket chain here) with your top off whilst reeking of body odour.

Once it gets hot, Homo Britannicus Scorchio congregate at Tesco in droves.

You’ll meet many of them called Bozzer (sometimes Bazza) wandering around the frozen peas aisle. They’re looking for the beer aisle, but are now hopelessly lost, and it’s only a matter of time before they start getting angry. Keep your distance and hope for the best.

Keep an eye out for stap sunburn marks on these individuals, indicating clearly where there vest and/or bag has been hugging their figure. Whilst still convinced they’re incredibly attractive to members of the opposite sex, they’ll also going around muttering the immortal line:

“Hot one out there today, innit mate?”

To note, other Brits will loiter on the refrigerator aisles as we don’t have air conditioning fitted in our homes. Why? As the cost is pointless when it’s cold for eight months of the year. Even though our homes are designed to keep heat in.

It’s Also the Collapse of Civilisation

Embrace the chaos. Hot weather means public transport grinds to a halt, with privatised British rail services built for 10 degree drizzly days.

Train lines will buckle, everything will break, and you’ll need to use a replacement bus service to get to and from work.

Complementing this disaster? Brits complaining about how hot it is, when for the rest of the year they’ve complained about it not being sunny.

Also, please note, the replacement bus service will be packed with Homo Britannicus Scorchio in a general state of disarray. Rather than use critical thinking to identify they’re to blame for all this (as they voted for Thatcher’s privatisation policies), they’ll huff and wheeze about how immigrants and The Woke Mob have ruined society.

Within 24 hours, at least 70% of them will be admitted to hospital for heatstroke.

Geezer Guide to Heatwaves in England ☀️🍻👊🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

Okay, we don’t get much sun  in England. From October to May it’s cold, rainy, and/or overcast most of the time (and that’s how we like it). Then, suddenly, the heat kicks in and we’ve got a summer.

That lasts from around mid-June to late September with military precision.

And it’s fair to say many Brits aren’t all prepared for the sudden onset of heat, lost their shit a bit, embarrass themselves, and turn the nation into a part-time Barbados experience. Slap on the suntan lotion, this is how it does down.

🌞 How to Participate in a British Heatwave 🌞

It’s essential you realise the British heatwave constitutes about 31°C (87.8°F), which for other areas of the world may seem pathetic. Americans, for instance, will think that’s ridiculous. And it probably is. However, and indubitably, the British heatwave at once represents a:

• Holiday whilst at home (staycation)
• Full blown national crisis
• Cultural phenomenon

All-in-one! Thus, society grinds to a halt (buses, trains etc. stop working), people get hot and sweaty, but also it’s a time for celebration because it’s dead hot and that’s like being in Ibiza, mate.

Geezerdom: Homo Britannicus Scorchio

There’s a specific subsect of the British male known as geezers whom enjoy drinking beer, watching football, and reading the tabloids. Whilst classed as geezers, the official Latin term is Homo Britannicus Scorchio. During any heatwave, they’re heavily sunburned and half drunk.

To fit in with the these geezers, there are five core steps you must follow:

1. Be utterly delusional and detached in your sense of self
2. No matter where you are, rip your top off at the slightest hint of sunshine
   1. Combine with flip-flops for the ultimate experience
3. Don’t bother with suntan lotion, that’s woke
4. Sunburn is incredibly attractive, so get it and then hit on hot birds
5. Bellow annoying Oasis songs (mainly Wonderwall) in a blokey voice

Starting a fight with anyone and everyone is also a splendid way of adopting our welcoming British geezer customs.

How to Approach Your British Shopping Experience in a Tesco During a Heatwave

A massive part of the British heatwave experience is heading into Tesco (a supermarket chain here) with your top off whilst reeking of body odour.

Once it gets hot, Homo Britannicus Scorchio congregate at Tesco in droves.

You’ll meet many of them called Bozzer (sometimes Bazza) wandering around the frozen peas aisle. They’re looking for the beer aisle, but are now hopelessly lost, and it’s only a matter of time before they start getting angry. Keep your distance and hope for the best.

Keep an eye out for stap sunburn marks on these individuals, indicating clearly where there vest and/or bag has been hugging their figure. Whilst still convinced they’re incredibly attractive to members of the opposite sex, they’ll also going around muttering the immortal line:

“Hot one out there today, innit mate?”

To note, other Brits will loiter on the refrigerator aisles as we don’t have air conditioning fitted in our homes. Why? As the cost is pointless when it’s cold for eight months of the year. Even though our homes are designed to keep heat in.

It’s Also the Collapse of Civilisation

Embrace the chaos. Hot weather means public transport grinds to a halt, with privatised British rail services built for 10 degree drizzly days.

Train lines will buckle, everything will break, and you’ll need to use a replacement bus service to get to and from work.

Complementing this disaster? Brits complaining about how hot it is, when for the rest of the year they’ve complained about it not being sunny.

Also, please note, the replacement bus service will be packed with Homo Britannicus Scorchio in a general state of disarray. Rather than use critical thinking to identify they’re to blame for all this (as they voted for Thatcher’s privatisation policies), they’ll huff and wheeze about how immigrants and The Woke Mob have ruined society.

Within 24 hours, at least 70% of them will be admitted to hospital for heatstroke.

One summer I cut up old National Enquirer pages and made postcards to send to all my friends. #craft #crafting #craftwork #craftworks #cutandpaste #pasting #creative #creativity #art #artwork #artist #artists #arting #makingart #artworks #collage #collages #NationalEnquirer #satire #satirical #weird #crazy #wacky #wackadoodle #tabloid #tabloids #tabloidsleeze #sleeze #sleezy

One summer I cut up old National Enquirer pages and made postcards to send to all my friends. #craft #crafting #craftwork #craftworks #cutandpaste #pasting #creative #creativity #art #artwork #artist #artists #arting #makingart #artworks #collage #collages #NationalEnquirer #satire #satirical #weird #crazy #wacky #wackadoodle #tabloid #tabloids #tabloidsleeze #sleeze #sleezy

One summer I cut up old National Enquirer pages and made postcards to send to all my friends. #craft #crafting #craftwork #craftworks #cutandpaste #pasting #creative #creativity #art #artwork #artist #artists #arting #makingart #artworks #collage #collages #NationalEnquirer #satire #satirical #weird #crazy #wacky #wackadoodle #tabloid #tabloids #tabloidsleeze #sleeze #sleezy

One summer I cut up old National Enquirer pages and made postcards to send to all my friends. #craft #crafting #craftwork #craftworks #cutandpaste #pasting #creative #creativity #art #artwork #artist #artists #arting #makingart #artworks #collage #collages #NationalEnquirer #satire #satirical #weird #crazy #wacky #wackadoodle #tabloid #tabloids #tabloidsleeze #sleeze #sleezy

One summer I cut up old National Enquirer pages and made postcards to send to all my friends. #craft #crafting #craftwork #craftworks #cutandpaste #pasting #creative #creativity #art #artwork #artist #artists #arting #makingart #artworks #collage #collages #NationalEnquirer #satire #satirical #weird #crazy #wacky #wackadoodle #tabloid #tabloids #tabloidsleeze #sleeze #sleezy

#Onthisday in 1998: A #satirical #newspaper I doodled when I was 10, after the #Chicago #Bulls' 6th championship. Not sure which is my favorite: how I described Clinton's sex scandal, my Mulan #parody, Dennis Rodman as a literal Worm, or #MichaelJordan auditioning for the #SpiceGirls. Zeitgeist.

#ThrowbackThursday #OTD #90s #NBA #NBAFinals #Basketball #Cubs #WhiteSox #ChicagoCubs #Sports #Cartoon #Cartoons #Comic #Comics #Doodle #Illustrator #Illustration #Drawing #Disney #Art #MastoArt #Artist