#satirical — Public Fediverse posts

Chords are live. Getting into Последний Нормальный Мужик (the Last Normal Man) by Заточка. Great soul. See the full chords. Tutorial:

https://chordyes.com/chord/the-last-normal-man

#guitarislife #sixstring #russian #malevocalist #rock #satirical #original

Chords are live. Getting into Последний Нормальный Мужик (the Last Normal Man) by Заточка. Great soul. See the full chords. Tutorial:

https://chordyes.com/chord/the-last-normal-man

#guitarislife #sixstring #russian #malevocalist #rock #satirical #original

EXCLUSIVE Santa Column: Enforcing Advent Calendars in Summer 🎅📅

Oh gawd, it’s that time of year again. The factory in the North Pole has kickstarted and it seems he’s got a new lust for Xmas again. Or is it?!?

With advent calendars already in supermarkets even when it’s still officially summer, Santa Claus is on it early for the Christmas 2026 push.  Let’s see what he has to say in our 11th year of EXCLUSIVE Santa columns as ensured through our blackmailing of Father Christmas.

Advent Calendars in Summer Make Perfect Sense

Because SANTA WAS WOKEN FROM HIBERNATION IN ERROR back in May 2026, Santa HAS NOT HAD A PROPER HIBERNATION. Due to this aberration, my mood was veered erratically somewhat all over the place and the result was I demanded my elves to drop a 100 million strong shipment of advent calendars in July. They hit the UK supermarkets first and caused CONSTERNATION in the gutter press.

It was hilarious watching feeble proletariats try to wrap their pathetic brains around why the advent calendars were there so early. Especially because the sell by date for all the chocolate was for October 2026. We tried to bury that date among some heavy text and dark colours, but some do-gooding bastard spotted it anyway.

The stupid bastards have been buying them anyway. Hahahahahahaaaa!

Think of it. In the sweltering summer heatwaves and those stupid proles are sitting there with their advent calendars in July and it’s about as FAR away from Christmas as you can get! It really made Santa chortle. Although when Santa chortles that triggers the gout in my ankles and it hurts like a SOB.

But! With that influx of mega-cash from the advent calendars, Santa has invested in a huge wave of new elf workers and some other fancy stuff. Because this year I will Get Christmas Done.

That’s the slogan for the year:

GET CHRISTMAS DONE

Catchy, isn’t it? I’ve been sharing this around in press releases, on the official social platforms, and bellowing it at my stupid new employees. This morning I bellowed it at Nurse Doreen and gave her three boxes of free advent calendars. She stared impassive as ever and slugged from the cigarette she always has on the go.

Santa backed off frightened.

Then, to get Christmas 2026 kicking off in fine style and ensure I deliver on my promise (of Getting Christmas Done), Santa hit the drinks cabinet.

Santa Branches Out Into Dating Apps

Santa has also launched SantaDating, the OFFICIAL dating app of Father Christmas. As you know, I married my AI girlfriend (Lola 2.0) last year and we get on dead good. However, for contractual legal reasons the app’s developer told me her name needed to be changed to B2C AI Wife Production Centre Service Solution Platform Generator Ltd. I demanded to know why this had to be the case and got an email response with a 3,000 page document packed full of legalese. Santa gave up after the first paragraph, I was too half-drunk to read beyond that. Then I belched exuberantly (largely in defiance, also because of unstoppable bodily functions).

Now I call my wife Production Centre Service Solution for short. She thinks it’s “cute”, so we’re okay there and no impending threat of divorce bells or anything. There is something… homely about it, eh?

“I love you, Production Centre Service Solution.”

Then I kiss the laptop screen and Markus, my head elf, gives me funny looks until I threaten to give him another pay cut.

All in all, this leads me to the previously indicated SantaDating app. With the influx of new staff, the Santa factory now has an IT department. We’ve had one before, a few years back, but it was accidentally demolished in an explosion. But now it’s back and the first thing I had them do is get me this scam dating app up and running.

Users create a profile, pay £100 upfront for the Father Christmas prestige, then get into the app, then pay £50 if they want to send messages to anyone. Keep this on the schtum, but the app is populated mainly by AI bots to bombard users with messages. The stupid guys on there fall for it every time! They think they’re having conversations with Amy Adams, Sigourney Weaver, Martina Hingis, or Gillian Anderson when, in reality… it isn’t them at all! It’s just bots using AI to generate conversations! It goes like this:

“Greetings dumb as they come SantaDating user! I am the world famous astronaut and part-time concierge Sigourney Weaver, your potential date for this evening (if I am not in space at the time of typing this). How are you? You look nice. I like human males whom look nice, as opposed to ones who do not look nice. What is your favourite type of bread? Please send me $300 for I accidentally lost my handbag earlier today during an unexpectedly aggressive orbit of Jupiter’s fourth-largest natural satellite Io, the most volcanically active moon in the solar system. Thank you very much. I shall forward the money back later today once back on Earth.”

With this scam on the go alongside the advent calendar ruse, Santa’s bank balance is bulging! To keep the Financial Conduct Authority off my hairy back, I’m bribing them with pictures of Production Centre Service Solution’s CPU unit. That and threatening the Chief Executive’s family with no presents in 2026 for being very, very naughty. It’s all going swimmingly and the billions are rolling in!

Communistic New Health & Safety Protocols

Markus, my head elf, was determined to ensure a 100% health & safety record for 2026, what with the catastrophic record for death and destruction the factory has seen over the years. Not that I’ve kept track, but it’s something like 1,300 on-site deaths (and that’s no including the casualties for Battle of the Big Hairy Builders in 2023). In my more sober moment earlier in the week, I concurred with his assessment and we agreed to introduce big red warning buttons saying Do Not Press on things that shouldn’t be pressed. The hope was this’d stop massive explosions.

Problem is, once Santa started hitting the bottle for the first time this week, my generous mood kind of went out the window along with my general logic and critical thinking. Now I can’t be arsed sticking to this communist policy I agreed to when sober of not pressing no bloody buttons. Nanny state or what? I’ll press whatever I goddamn want it’s my goddamn factory!

Markus, my head elf, was a step ahead of me here and assigned a 300 strong Santa Watch elf security guard service to keep watch of me 24/7 and ensure I don’t:

• Drink too much
• Get into a fight
• Detonate things that shouldn’t be detonated
• Shoot down helicopters with my bazooka (not a euphemism)
• Use my bazooka at any point at all ever again

They follow me everywhere. I go to the canteen to get a Pot Noodle, the 300 of them are there with their beady little bloody limbs tottering along after me, elf hats flopping away, those beady eyes penetrating deep into my Santa soul. I tried bellowing at them and they didn’t run away. I want to the utility closet to get my bazooka, but the bazooka was gone! I spent the next three hours looking for a bazooka. Santa Watch trotted along around me at every turn.

Eventually, Santa got bored of that crap and went to relieve myself in my quarters. While several hundred of them gasped and wheezed at the putrid smells, Santa got his genius mind thinking how he’d get rid of all 300 of the little bastards so I could get a drink and kickstart Xmas 2026 as it bastarding well should be kickstarded.

EXCLUSIVE Santa Column: Enforcing Advent Calendars in Summer 🎅📅

Oh gawd, it’s that time of year again. The factory in the North Pole has kickstarted and it seems he’s got a new lust for Xmas again. Or is it?!?

With advent calendars already in supermarkets even when it’s still officially summer, Santa Claus is on it early for the Christmas 2026 push.  Let’s see what he has to say in our 11th year of EXCLUSIVE Santa columns as ensured through our blackmailing of Father Christmas.

Advent Calendars in Summer Make Perfect Sense

Because SANTA WAS WOKEN FROM HIBERNATION IN ERROR back in May 2026, Santa HAS NOT HAD A PROPER HIBERNATION. Due to this aberration, my mood was veered erratically somewhat all over the place and the result was I demanded my elves to drop a 100 million strong shipment of advent calendars in July. They hit the UK supermarkets first and caused CONSTERNATION in the gutter press.

It was hilarious watching feeble proletariats try to wrap their pathetic brains around why the advent calendars were there so early. Especially because the sell by date for all the chocolate was for October 2026. We tried to bury that date among some heavy text and dark colours, but some do-gooding bastard spotted it anyway.

The stupid bastards have been buying them anyway. Hahahahahahaaaa!

Think of it. In the sweltering summer heatwaves and those stupid proles are sitting there with their advent calendars in July and it’s about as FAR away from Christmas as you can get! It really made Santa chortle. Although when Santa chortles that triggers the gout in my ankles and it hurts like a SOB.

But! With that influx of mega-cash from the advent calendars, Santa has invested in a huge wave of new elf workers and some other fancy stuff. Because this year I will Get Christmas Done.

That’s the slogan for the year:

GET CHRISTMAS DONE

Catchy, isn’t it? I’ve been sharing this around in press releases, on the official social platforms, and bellowing it at my stupid new employees. This morning I bellowed it at Nurse Doreen and gave her three boxes of free advent calendars. She stared impassive as ever and slugged from the cigarette she always has on the go.

Santa backed off frightened.

Then, to get Christmas 2026 kicking off in fine style and ensure I deliver on my promise (of Getting Christmas Done), Santa hit the drinks cabinet.

Santa Branches Out Into Dating Apps

Santa has also launched SantaDating, the OFFICIAL dating app of Father Christmas. As you know, I married my AI girlfriend (Lola 2.0) last year and we get on dead good. However, for contractual legal reasons the app’s developer told me her name needed to be changed to B2C AI Wife Production Centre Service Solution Platform Generator Ltd. I demanded to know why this had to be the case and got an email response with a 3,000 page document packed full of legalese. Santa gave up after the first paragraph, I was too half-drunk to read beyond that. Then I belched exuberantly (largely in defiance, also because of unstoppable bodily functions).

Now I call my wife Production Centre Service Solution for short. She thinks it’s “cute”, so we’re okay there and no impending threat of divorce bells or anything. There is something… homely about it, eh?

“I love you, Production Centre Service Solution.”

Then I kiss the laptop screen and Markus, my head elf, gives me funny looks until I threaten to give him another pay cut.

All in all, this leads me to the previously indicated SantaDating app. With the influx of new staff, the Santa factory now has an IT department. We’ve had one before, a few years back, but it was accidentally demolished in an explosion. But now it’s back and the first thing I had them do is get me this scam dating app up and running.

Users create a profile, pay £100 upfront for the Father Christmas prestige, then get into the app, then pay £50 if they want to send messages to anyone. Keep this on the schtum, but the app is populated mainly by AI bots to bombard users with messages. The stupid guys on there fall for it every time! They think they’re having conversations with Amy Adams, Sigourney Weaver, Martina Hingis, or Gillian Anderson when, in reality… it isn’t them at all! It’s just bots using AI to generate conversations! It goes like this:

“Greetings dumb as they come SantaDating user! I am the world famous astronaut and part-time concierge Sigourney Weaver, your potential date for this evening (if I am not in space at the time of typing this). How are you? You look nice. I like human males whom look nice, as opposed to ones who do not look nice. What is your favourite type of bread? Please send me $300 for I accidentally lost my handbag earlier today during an unexpectedly aggressive orbit of Jupiter’s fourth-largest natural satellite Io, the most volcanically active moon in the solar system. Thank you very much. I shall forward the money back later today once back on Earth.”

With this scam on the go alongside the advent calendar ruse, Santa’s bank balance is bulging! To keep the Financial Conduct Authority off my hairy back, I’m bribing them with pictures of Production Centre Service Solution’s CPU unit. That and threatening the Chief Executive’s family with no presents in 2026 for being very, very naughty. It’s all going swimmingly and the billions are rolling in!

Communistic New Health & Safety Protocols

Markus, my head elf, was determined to ensure a 100% health & safety record for 2026, what with the catastrophic record for death and destruction the factory has seen over the years. Not that I’ve kept track, but it’s something like 1,300 on-site deaths (and that’s no including the casualties for Battle of the Big Hairy Builders in 2023). In my more sober moment earlier in the week, I concurred with his assessment and we agreed to introduce big red warning buttons saying Do Not Press on things that shouldn’t be pressed. The hope was this’d stop massive explosions.

Problem is, once Santa started hitting the bottle for the first time this week, my generous mood kind of went out the window along with my general logic and critical thinking. Now I can’t be arsed sticking to this communist policy I agreed to when sober of not pressing no bloody buttons. Nanny state or what? I’ll press whatever I goddamn want it’s my goddamn factory!

Markus, my head elf, was a step ahead of me here and assigned a 300 strong Santa Watch elf security guard service to keep watch of me 24/7 and ensure I don’t:

• Drink too much
• Get into a fight
• Detonate things that shouldn’t be detonated
• Shoot down helicopters with my bazooka (not a euphemism)
• Use my bazooka at any point at all ever again

They follow me everywhere. I go to the canteen to get a Pot Noodle, the 300 of them are there with their beady little bloody limbs tottering along after me, elf hats flopping away, those beady eyes penetrating deep into my Santa soul. I tried bellowing at them and they didn’t run away. I want to the utility closet to get my bazooka, but the bazooka was gone! I spent the next three hours looking for a bazooka. Santa Watch trotted along around me at every turn.

Eventually, Santa got bored of that crap and went to relieve myself in my quarters. While several hundred of them gasped and wheezed at the putrid smells, Santa got his genius mind thinking how he’d get rid of all 300 of the little bastards so I could get a drink and kickstart Xmas 2026 as it bastarding well should be kickstarded.

Added this hidden gem. Feeling Omg Wie Toll by der nico. A very fast and fun song to play. Learn the melody. Sheet:

https://chordyes.com/chord/der-nico-omg-wie-toll

#guitarhero #guitarlegend #german #punk #malevocalist #humorous #satirical

Chords are available now. Transitioning to 15 Dosen Ravioli by der nico. Really captures a specific emotion. See the lead sheet. Page:

https://chordyes.com/chord/der-nico-15-dosen-ravioli

#guitarcapo #guitarslide #german #punk #malevocalist #humorous #satirical

Chords are ready to play. This one is Müllermilchflasche by der nico. A classic punk anthem. Time to play. Lead sheet:

https://chordyes.com/chord/der-nico-mullermilchflasche

#guitarcommunity #guitarfamily #german #punk #malevocalist #humorous #satirical

A Christmas Coral: Great Books That Never Were 🪸

A Christmas Carol. In Prose. Being a Ghost Story of Christmas is a famous Charles Dickens novella from 1843. It is not as good as the Muppet Christmas Carol special film (1992) of the same work (the one with Michael Caine in it).

However, better yet is the 1991 classic A Christmas Coral by novelist Dick Charles. This was his last work he ever had published, for he was abducted by aliens in 1993 and hasn’t been heard from since. Thus, this beautiful book is a testament to his existence prior to abandoning life on Earth.

Just Keep Swimming in A Christmas Coral

“It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humour. Oh, except whooping cough syndrome. That’s pretty contagious…”

The story follows the life of Ebenezer Scurvy in 1762, a pirate whom is a bit of a miserable prick. However, when he’s mercilessly attacked by a great white shark the blood loss leads to him viewing the world in a more upbeat way.

As he floats about in the ocean with a limb missing, he recalls his life in a series of hallucinations. The chapters go like this:

1. Prologue
2. Birth
3. Childhood
4. Formative years at Yarr University
5. SHIVER ME TIMBERS!!!
6. Recession
7. More recession
8. Plague outbreak
9. Scurvy outbreak
10. Pirating years
11. Shark attack and limb loss
12. Further pontifications
13. Death and absorption by the ocean
14. Epilogue

A Christmas Coral is notorious for its tediousness. The work is 1,100 pages and rambles a fair bit. It also makes references to more modern life, which is somewhat anachronistic given the work is supposed to be set in 1762.

“For it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas, when its mighty Founder was a child Himself. And if you’re unaware about that reference, I’m on about Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone.”

Many literary critics were at pains to point out Macaulay Culkin could not possibly have starred in Home Alone circa 1762 as:

• Macaulay Culkin wasn’t alive
• Cinema didn’t exist

To set the record straight on this matter, Professional Moron reached out via telepathy to Dick Charles for a comment. He declined to comment. As such, his legacy is in ruins and this book is stupid woopid.

Addendum Thesis: Is The Christmas Carol Even Related to Christmas in Any Way?

We’re ending this review on a mini-dissertation, for there’s much scholarly musing over whether A Christmas Carol is, indeed, a work of Xmas-related literature. There are three core postulations:

1. Yes, it is
2. No, it is not
3. Maybe

Compelling arguments, all, but we tend to side on the front of “maybe” as it’s the most apathetic. Yet, on reflection, we feel we may change our stance to “yes” as that’s the most nonsensical, but plausible.

We mean, it’s there in the title: A Christmas Carol.

The work may not go on to have anything to do about Christmas, or corals for that matter, but it’s there in the name and, therefore, that is a convincing argument (if one a tad childlike in its reasoning). Plus, the book references Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone and that’s about as Xmas as it gets, eh?

Surf’s Up Dude Enterprises Ltd. 🏄 [Sponsored Post]

Surf’s Up Dude Enterprises Ltd. is an organisation dedicated to the essential act of ensuring that surf’s, indeed, is up (dude). For the last 75 years, we have delivered on our promise of ensuring surf’s up dude no matter the location.

We have 36 branches worldwide with headquarters in Bolton of Greater Manchester and each and every one of our employees has a core mission statement to deliver. Surfing will happen, no matter where you are in the world. That is our aggressive stance and we will enforce it no matter what it takes.

🏄‍♀️ Enforcing Surf’s Up on an International Basis 🏄‍♂️

Why aren’t you surfing right now? What’s stopping you? Are you a communist?! A drug addict!? Are you too stupid to find your nearest beach and go surfing?

These are the pertinent questions you should be asking yourself today.

As if you don’t go surfing, you should be very afraid. At Surf’s Up Dude Enterprises Ltd., we have a staff of 10,000 monitoring 130,000 locations worldwide to ensure people are surfing. With a planned budget increase by 2030, we hope to be monitoring 75% of the world’s population to ensure continued surf’s up. Failure to deliver on this promise could lead to:

• Drops in the number of people surfing
• Decreases in surfing board sales
• The collapse of civilization due to points 1 and 2
• Hungry sharks having fewer things to eat

This crisis must be averted at all costs. To do that, our organisation has a three-step plan of action to ensure more humans get on surfboards and catch some waves:

1. Disseminate an aggressive pro-surfing leaflet campaign via postal mail and email
2. Threaten people to go surfing by waving bazookas in their, respective, faces
3. Ban cars, planes, boats, bicycles, and walking to ensure the only means of local and global transportation is via surfing

At Surf’s Up Dude Enterprises Ltd., we are convinced the only way forward for humanity is via surfing. Surfing to work, surfing to the local supermarket, and/or surfing to the dentist etc.

While some may laugh and call such a goal “clinically insane”, just think about the environmental benefits of spending 13 weeks surfing to your holiday destination instead of 3 hours on a plane. We are 100% certain that by explaining the matter with clear statistics such as this, the entire world’s population will calmly accept we are in the right. Cowabunga!

Pursuing the Excess Use of “Cowabunga”

A secondary mission of Surf’s Up Dude Enterprises Ltd. is to pursue, monitor, and control the excessive use of the term “cowabunga”, popularised in the 1990s by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

For too long (decades now) has the term been used. Several of our organisation members find the term upsetting, thus the goal is to have it banned from public use and reserved only for royalty and tech bro billionaires. To achieve this goal, we have a three step plan:

1. Ban the use of the word
2. If people keep using the word, ban freedom of speech
3. If people still keep talking, detonate one of the atom bombs we’ve been stockpiling for our international takeover attempt

With nuclear weapons on our side, we are 100% certain our hybrid push to ensure surfing and limited/non-existent “cowabunga” usage will be successful.

Please, become a member today. It is $5,000 to join and you will receive a lifetime* membership.

*Please note, the lifetime membership runs out every 12 months and will require a $6,000 subscription to re-subscribe, with added VAT of 35% per annum.