#satirical — Public Fediverse posts

Chords are live. Getting into Последний Нормальный Мужик (the Last Normal Man) by Заточка. Great soul. See the full chords. Tutorial:

https://chordyes.com/chord/the-last-normal-man

#guitarislife #sixstring #russian #malevocalist #rock #satirical #original

Added this tune. Learning to play Quanta Barbaridade by Mauricio Pereira. Try playing it tonight. Music:

https://chordyes.com/chord/mauricio-pereira-quanta-barbaridade

#guitarpassion #guitarobsession #brazilian #portuguese #malevocalist #acoustic #satirical

Added this hidden gem. Feeling Omg Wie Toll by der nico. A very fast and fun song to play. Learn the melody. Sheet:

https://chordyes.com/chord/der-nico-omg-wie-toll

#guitarhero #guitarlegend #german #punk #malevocalist #humorous #satirical

Chords are available now. Transitioning to 15 Dosen Ravioli by der nico. Really captures a specific emotion. See the lead sheet. Page:

https://chordyes.com/chord/der-nico-15-dosen-ravioli

#guitarcapo #guitarslide #german #punk #malevocalist #humorous #satirical

Chords are ready to play. This one is Müllermilchflasche by der nico. A classic punk anthem. Time to play. Lead sheet:

https://chordyes.com/chord/der-nico-mullermilchflasche

#guitarcommunity #guitarfamily #german #punk #malevocalist #humorous #satirical

Added this well-known track. Hopping to Die Afd Hat Auch Keine Lösung by der nico. Time to sing. Full version:

https://chordyes.com/chord/der-nico-die-afd-hat-auch-keine-losung

#guitarjam #acoustic #german #punk #malevocalist #political #satirical

A Christmas Coral: Great Books That Never Were 🪸

A Christmas Carol. In Prose. Being a Ghost Story of Christmas is a famous Charles Dickens novella from 1843. It is not as good as the Muppet Christmas Carol special film (1992) of the same work (the one with Michael Caine in it).

However, better yet is the 1991 classic A Christmas Coral by novelist Dick Charles. This was his last work he ever had published, for he was abducted by aliens in 1993 and hasn’t been heard from since. Thus, this beautiful book is a testament to his existence prior to abandoning life on Earth.

Just Keep Swimming in A Christmas Coral

“It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humour. Oh, except whooping cough syndrome. That’s pretty contagious…”

The story follows the life of Ebenezer Scurvy in 1762, a pirate whom is a bit of a miserable prick. However, when he’s mercilessly attacked by a great white shark the blood loss leads to him viewing the world in a more upbeat way.

As he floats about in the ocean with a limb missing, he recalls his life in a series of hallucinations. The chapters go like this:

1. Prologue
2. Birth
3. Childhood
4. Formative years at Yarr University
5. SHIVER ME TIMBERS!!!
6. Recession
7. More recession
8. Plague outbreak
9. Scurvy outbreak
10. Pirating years
11. Shark attack and limb loss
12. Further pontifications
13. Death and absorption by the ocean
14. Epilogue

A Christmas Coral is notorious for its tediousness. The work is 1,100 pages and rambles a fair bit. It also makes references to more modern life, which is somewhat anachronistic given the work is supposed to be set in 1762.

“For it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas, when its mighty Founder was a child Himself. And if you’re unaware about that reference, I’m on about Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone.”

Many literary critics were at pains to point out Macaulay Culkin could not possibly have starred in Home Alone circa 1762 as:

• Macaulay Culkin wasn’t alive
• Cinema didn’t exist

To set the record straight on this matter, Professional Moron reached out via telepathy to Dick Charles for a comment. He declined to comment. As such, his legacy is in ruins and this book is stupid woopid.

Addendum Thesis: Is The Christmas Carol Even Related to Christmas in Any Way?

We’re ending this review on a mini-dissertation, for there’s much scholarly musing over whether A Christmas Carol is, indeed, a work of Xmas-related literature. There are three core postulations:

1. Yes, it is
2. No, it is not
3. Maybe

Compelling arguments, all, but we tend to side on the front of “maybe” as it’s the most apathetic. Yet, on reflection, we feel we may change our stance to “yes” as that’s the most nonsensical, but plausible.

We mean, it’s there in the title: A Christmas Carol.

The work may not go on to have anything to do about Christmas, or corals for that matter, but it’s there in the name and, therefore, that is a convincing argument (if one a tad childlike in its reasoning). Plus, the book references Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone and that’s about as Xmas as it gets, eh?

Tablespoons at Work: Ultra-Serious Employment Law Guide 🥄

Tablespoons at work are one of the most difficult to locate and investment-heavy investments an employer like yourself can ever make. The products can be purchased in bulk, but you can guarantee within months a batch of 300 will be down to 3. Then that’s when the furious, enraged fighting between members of staff begins.

To avoid pitched battle in the workplace over limited tablespoons, you need to ensue you have a robust business strategy to ensure kitchen utensils and cutlery are overflowing to the maximum. In this expert guide, we explain how the bloody hell you can do that.

How to Avoid Workplace Tablespoon Hell

This matter is legislated by The Tablespoons at Work Act 1974, not to be confused with The Spoons at Work Act 1974, nor The Prunes at Work Act 1974 (prunes sounding somewhat similar to “spoons”). There’s also The Spume at Work Act 1974, which is also unrelated to The Tablespoons at Work Act 1974.

With that confusion cleared up, let it be known that The Tablespoons at Work Act 1974 is a subset of The Cutlery at Work Act 1974, which also covers popular kitchen items such as:

• Forks
• Knives
• Ladles
• Spatulas
• Whisks
• Ice cube trays
• Bazookas

The Act relating to the Act for this Act-related guide is, subsequently, worth noting for section 137 (a) on page 1,435. Verbatim:

“Tablespoon losses amount (and amounts) to fewer caffeinated beverages in the workplace. When fewer employees are smacked up on society’s most legally acceptable drug, this leads to listlessness, drowsiness, and a lack of productivity. Ensure you have many tablespoons proliferating throughout your organisation. Tablespoons are essential to ensure communism does not consume us all.”

As you can see, therefore, and hence; these utensils are vital. Otherwise, how is an employee supposed to stir their beverage? With a finger!? That may result in third-degree burns to the affected finger, which would undoubtedly result in an employment tribunal against your business, after which you’d close down and live in a muddy ditch.

As this is a matter of life or death, you should immediately abandon this paragraph in favour of the section below. For therein lies some facts (and not lies) about how to avoid business bedlam and Bolshevism.

Strategies for Ensuring You Don’t Run Out of Tablespoons at Work

There are many and varied (myriad) strategies that shall prevent the lack of tablespoons in thine business premises. The most immediate and effective strategy is to ensure you have enough tablespoons in thine business. Buying on bulk (en masse) is highly recommend by Capitalisme (the God of Capitalism).

Capitalisme also states within his Ultimate Doctrine of 1974-Based Employment Law Acts the following. Verbatim:

“I, Capitalisme, bestow forth onto business owners tablespoons. Use them to slake the caffeinated desires of thine employees. A caffeinated employee is a happy employee and, therefore, ripe for exploitation. HARK!!! Give them low-budget granulated coffee and thee shall succeed with billions.”

Professional Moron contacted Capitalisme directly for a quote on the meaning of his original quote. He replied via email stating this (verbatim):

“Fuck off you bastards!!!!”

We guess we caught Capitalisme on a bad day. We apologise to the God of Capitalism and urge him to not wreak vengeance on the Professional Moron office again. For we’ve had enough of that over the last 14 years thank you very much.

Conclusion: Ensure There are Tablespoons

The only logical solution to this crisis is to buy many, many tablespoons for your workplace. If you, say, already have 100… then THAT IS NOT ENOUGH! Buy more. Make it 1,000, not 100, for the fate of obscene avarice and delusions of grandeur sits on those diddy little tablespoons.

It’s good business practice to purchase at least 10,000 of them. Keep the surplus amount in the office basement or something. Whatever prevents the wrath of Capitalisme and enternal damnation to Capitalism Hell (i.e. minimum wage).

Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling 🎰 [Sponsored Post]

Welcome to Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling. Hi. I’m Geraldine. I run Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling where you can come and gamble your life savings away like God intended.

I set up this establishment on a shoestring budget but it don’t show. So. Come on down. Have fun. Play the slots and drink and gamble and get into fights. I run this establishment, me. Eeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Gambling and Rambling at Geraldine’s

First thing you’ll know about when you step into my gambling shop is that this gambling shot got sticky carpets. Not sure when that happened because we only opened six weeks ago and that carpet were brand new and now its gone all gross and stuff and it’s ruined me pumps. I went for a proper aggressive 1970s geometric carpet with high-traffic patches down down to the bare plywood complete with damp underlay. It’s mandatory for gambling shops. But why is it sticky?!?

Anyway, yeah, you’ll also notice the many signs I’ve nailed all over the gaff:

• Stop tapping the glass
• NO! The fruit machine ISN’T rigged!!
• No change given without purchase
• I don’t know why the carpet is sticky
• NO REFUNDS

We have five bouncers on the door too because I am not having no nonsense on the doors or in my store. You hear? We open at 10am and then we close at 1am. If you are still in the property by 1:01am then the bouncers are legally obliged to start smacking you around the head with heavy furniture and their fists. You have been warned.

Mainly I just want you to come here and spend your money and fritter away whatever paltry savings you have got on stupid sports events. So long as I can line my pockets I do not care where you are at to be honest. But if you speak to me nicely in the store and I am not too drunk or whatever, then you might get a smile out of me.

Try and Have Some Fun at the Lukewarm Bar Here at Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling

Okay we done and got a bar here as well and it has drinks in it so if you want a drink while you’re gambling away your life’s savings then we do that. The bar is called Lukewarm because we have got this problem with the fridges and freezers and we haven’t got no ice so that means all the drinks are at room temperature except during winter because when it is naturally that cold the drinks are a bit chillier (we have not got no heating by the way).

Some of the drinks we got on our drinks menu is like this:

• Lukewarm beer from tap
• Lukewarm beer from cans
• Lukewarm cokes
• Lukewarm spirts
• Lukewarm wine (red and white)
• Lambrini (lukewarm)

So, again, just to reiterate, we don’t got fridges installed so bring your own ice in a bucket or something if you want stuff to be chilled. Heating it stuck on 40 degrees at the moment so yeah you might want to bring ice. Otherwise everything will be lukewarm because, as previously indicated, we got problems with the fridges and ice box and all that. Yes it is a bit rank but what am I supposed to do? Just drink your drinks and shut up.

Where is My Wife? Great Books That Never Were 🥧

Where is Life is a 1944 thing by smarty pants physicist genius Erwin Schrödinger. It’s a solid book we’d give it 3/5 on Goodreads and then get criticised in replies for being stupid (or something).

Anyway, we much prefer the deeply autobiographical book Where is My Wife? by Derek Smith from Preston of Lancashire. It’s a story of how he and his missus went to the Fishergate Shopping Centre in Preston, got lost, and spent an infuriating 17 minutes trying to find each other again.

Getting Lost at the Mall in Where is My Wife?

In Schrödinger’s similarly titled work, he explained how organisms differ from inanimate objects, during which he opines over the “paragon of orderliness” and what this may mean for life on Earth.

Derek Smith, meanwhile, opines over his lost wife after he headed to Greggs for a pork pie and bottle of coke. In the moving introduction, written in 1999 (one year after the publication of the work, two years after the specific incident in question), he states:

“Went to Greggs. Standard. Done that a lot in my life, born and bred in Lancashire, but never in my former ’80s mullet did I think I’d lose me bleedin’ wife at the Fishergate Shopping Centre, home to some of the best deals in all of Lancashire. Except on that dark, dark day. Bad times was had.”

The book is some 400 pages of rambling about this misadventure. Smith makes it very clear it was not his fault and, indeed, could never be his fault as his sense of direction is superb:

“Me sense of direction is superb. Second to none. So I don’t see how I could get lost in Fishergate, it’s not like it’s the bleedin’ Trafford Centre now, is it? I call foul play!”

That’s in the opening chapter. Subsequent chapters go on to explain the myriad reasons why none of this could ever be Derek’s fault. He blames:

• Communism
• Immigrants
• Socialism
• Marxism
• The lack of available maps in the shopping centre
• The lack of a customer service desk in the shopping centre
• The lack of a personal assistant
• His wife’s stupidity
• His wife’s lack of direction
• His wife
• The wife

The final 100 pages of the work are an angry rant about his wife’s “dismal” sense of direction. The book abruptly ends with a torrent of swear words and typos, suggesting Mr. Smith was drunk on beer as he concluding what he dubs his “masterpiece”.

The Rebuttal: The Wife Responds With a Podcast Series and Film

Derek Smith’s wife, Diane, responded to her husbands book belatedly. In 2020, she began a podcast series called Why My Ex-Husband is a Tosser (the couple divorced in 2018). Consisting of 10 minute episodes, Diane lists out everything she detests about her husband.

In 2022, the podcast was adapted into a film of the same name starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as Derek and Davina McCall as Diane. The low-budget production was a box office failure and amassed only £32,000 at the global box office. Schwarzenegger called it the “greatest embarrassment” of his career.

Diane Smith later confirmed she regretted the podcast series, film, and had avoided the Fishergate Shopping Centre for over 25 years since the incident. She now only shops in Lidl.

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation 🌅 [Sponsored Post]

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. exists to make it clear that eclipses exist to force their deranged worldview onto the universe (and they are also stupid).

For all many millions of years has the Moon carried out a four-minute hostage crisis, forcing Earth’s inhabitants into the shade and ruining their days a bit. The solution is clear. The Moon must be destroyed and The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. recommends blasting it out of the sky with many nuclear weapons.

Why We’re All Falling for the Cosmic Grift

The Moon is the local celestial mafia randomly holding the Earth to ransom. Why should we all be forced into a blackout every 50 years or so just because of an erratic orbit aligning over the Sun?

The Sun (the star, not the tabloid newspaper) is utterly blame here. The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. recognises that and admonishes the Sun of any wrongdoing.

It’s the BASTARD Moon that’s the core problem. And it does it every 50 years, forcing humanity to panic buy £140 millions worth of low-quality cardboard classes (or just putting a colander over their head).

It’s Time to Take Action!

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is leading the charge against the Moon’s disgusting tactics. We’ve got some really nasty ideas to get our revenge and here they all are:

• Strongly worded leaflet campaign: An aggressive, pompous leaflet campaign will bring public attention to the eclipse crisis.
• Panic-mongering through communist claims: The Moon isn’t a communist, but we’re claiming it is anyway to drum up a sense of moral panic.
• Blowing up the Moon: The only sensible solution for Earth’s residents. Only the total destruction of the celestial body will save humanity from further eclipses.

Ultimately, blowing up the Moon will resolve all of the world’s problems. This means there’ll be no more eclipses and it’ll also stop a load of stupid people from staring at the eclipse with their eyes.

Instead, they can simply just stare at the Sun as normal and learn their lesson that way.

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is currently lobbying the UK government with bribes to persuade funding for the Moon destruction project. We shall report back before 2050 (the next scheduled eclipse) on our progress.

Proudly Sponsored by Klogged: The World’s Automatic Toilet Unblocker

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is proudly sponsored by Klogged, the industry-leading robotic toilet unblocking assistant. Klogged is proudly sponsoring us in our mission to end eclipses. Their CEO told us this:

“As the CEO of Klogged, I am proud to be saving the future of humanity by ensuring eclipses (and clogged toilets) are no more. It makes me proud to realise I am saving the universe while pocketing a six figure salary, even though I don’t really work very much to be honest. The robots do all the heavy lifting for us. Cheers!” CEO

If you need a toilet maid, then Klogged is 100% your best bet. Stop getting on your hands and knees to clean up that stuff, buy a robotic toilet contraption. For every Klogged sale, Klogged is proud to donate 1% of its monthly earnings towards the The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. foundation.

Highway to Hull: Great Songs That Never Were 🛣️

Highway to Hell is a famous 1979 song by generic rock band AC/DC. The song is famous for being about highways, Hell, and hedonistic rock and roll lifestyles. It is an okay song.

But did you know there was a 1980 single called Highway to Hull? It’s about the debauched, depraved lifestyles of those whom are heading to the port city of Hull in East Riding of Yorkshire. Truly, it is a modern day masterpiece.

Satan and Northern England in Highway to Hull

Hull, arguably one of the UK’s most underrated cities, which is way it the song was written by Hull-based thrash metal band ABCD. Look at these incredible lyrics:

No stop signs, speed limit,
Nobody’s gonna slow me down,
Like a wheel, gonna spin it,
Nobody’s gonna mess me around,
Hey, Satan, payin’ my dues,
Playin’ in a rockin’ band,
Hey, mama, look at me,
I’m on the way to the promised land, woah,

I’m on the highway to Hull,
Highway to Hull,
I’m on the highway to Hull,
Highway to Hull.

Some contemporary critics noted the lyrics were exactly the same as AC/DC’s song (Highway to Hell), apart from the change of the location (from the place of punishment in the afterlife, to the sleepy city of Hull in Northern England).

However, the band ABCD rejected such a claim.

Pale and malnourished English people lapped the song up, storming it into the UK charts into 25th, before peaking at 23rd, then back to 25th, then up to 24th the following week, back up to 23rd the week after that, then it plummeted out of the charts for good.

It was to be ABCD’s biggest ever UK hit, although the song did storm to No. 1 in the charts over in Barbados (for unknown reasons to this day). As of August 2026, the band live off royalties the song makes, which is enough to afford them all a lifestyle of cheap cigarettes, low-quality lager, and a single bedroom apartment with mould on a wall in Hull.

The Infamous ABCD Live Stubbed Toe and Satan Incident

Notoriously, in a September 1980 performance of the song Highway to Hull, backing vocalist and bassist John Smith stubbed his toe. It hurt so much he began a barrage of obscene swearing, including the f bomb amongst others, but also uttered the word “hell”.

This immediately triggered Satan to directly contact AC/DC and issue a complaint of plagiarism of their song.

Armed with Satan Himself as a legal guardian and demonic defence lawyer, the Australian rock band came down like a tonne of bricks on ABCD, Hull, and its various highways. Many in the region were raised in the subsequent carnage.

Indeed, to this day there’s no direct motorway into the city limits of Kingston upon Hull.

Instead, the city endures merely one primary strategic trunk highway (the A63). This acts as the location’s only lifeline connecting it to the UK’s national motorway network.

This devious act was named the 135th most demonic thing Satan has ever done in the history of time.

Supermarket Haiku Sweep Friday Special Extravaganza! 🛒🏪✒️

As Rebecca Black so famously sung: “It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday!” And, indeed, therefore we’re covering supermarkets for our first Haiku Friday of 2026.

We all know and love supermarkets! Aldi, Asda, Tesco, M&S, Netto etc. They’re great and have loads of food in them that goes to waste and gets chucked in bins to rot. Thus, let’s get poetic about it.

Supermarket Haiku Special

∞

Getting Lost in the Supermarket

Oh my god where the Hell am I?
It feels like I might well die,
When all I wanted was to buy a big old pork pie.

∞

Consumerist Clubcard Loyalty

Clubcard in my hand,
This microwave pasta cheese meal is only £1 bargain bargain bargain,
Stuffed it down me pants and legged it from store.

∞

Finding the Reduced to Clear Section

Where in the Hell is the reduced to clear section?
This is as infuriating as a rigged election,
Or your bins not being picked up for collection.

∞

Buying From the Reduced to Clear Section

Oh my god I want cheap foodstuff goods,
Oh look there are some super reduced spuds,
Which I’ve now shoplifted with some Suds.

∞

Shopping in the Upper-Class Supermarket

Buying extra expensive goods because I worked hard enough,
No working-class scumbags in here praise God,
Sneer at pathetic cashier on way out.

∞

Shopping in the Low-Budget Supermarket

Got 300 tins of baked beans for 35p,
Gonna cook ’em all up in a load of ghee,
That’s really going to make me need to pee.

∞

Shoplifting at the Supermarket

Using free will to shoplift at the supermarket,
Stuffed 20 bags of Maltesers up me jumper,
Told the staff I’ve got leprosy.

∞

Ramming Customers With a Trolley

Stupid fellow customers get out of my way,
Otherwise I’m going to make you bloody pay,
That’ll really make my day.

∞

Using the Free Supermarket Toilets

Jesus Christ what the hell is that?
And why does it stink so bad?
I should have just gone in my shopping bag.

∞

Using the Self-Checkout Till

Using free will at the self-checkout till,
But pretty sure something’s wrong with my bill,
And the customer service assistant’s name is Phil.

∞

Item Not Scanning at the Self-Checkout Till

I’ve tried scanning this bag of peas 35 times,
I’m trying not to look totally pissed off,
Angry customers waiting are flipping me off.

∞

Being Forced to Make Small Talk With the Cashier

Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep,
“Cold for this time of year, is not it”,
Bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep.

∞

Asking an Employee for Help

“Excuse me, shopkeep, but where are the ice bags?”
Employee does not know,
Complain to the manager.

∞

Customer Blocking the Aisle With Trolley and Kids

The trolley is there and so are the screaming kids,
I wanted to get Skittles this fine day but can’t,
Starve to death.

∞

Screaming Babies in the Supermarket

Why are all these babies screaming in the supermarket?
Shouldn’t they be in baby school?
Or are they here shoplifting?

Professional Nose Picking Support Services Ltd. 👃 [Sponsored Post]

If you have nostrils that need emptying, but you’re too busy or lazy to do it yourself, then you need to hire Professional Nose Picking Support Services Ltd.

With other 50 years’ experience picking other people’s noses, we’re the experts in all things related to extracting snot and mucus out of human faces. Book your free consultation today, specialist nose picking services are only a phone call away.

Nose Picking Services: Blunt Force Objects, Tweezers, Fingers, and an Anvil

We have a 300 strong team of trained professionals ready and available to pick your nose 24/7. It doesn’t matter the time of day, month, or year. Ring out hotline and choose from a wealth of nose picking packages:

• Basic hygiene request: Book into our clinic, arrive on time, and endure as the specialist snot remover prises items from your nostrils. This is the least painful option in our payment packages.
• Genuine need of dislodgement: If your nose is badly blocked up, you’ll need to spend a weekend in our clinic where our specialists will undertake a full-body MRI scan to understand what the hell is going on, then get the mucus out of your face.
• Emergencies: In the event of a crisis, our elite team will arrive on-site via helicopter to prise bogeys from your nostrils using specialist equipment (The Jaws of Life).

Please rest assured, while our services do often result in our patients screaming in agony, you may be okay and not endure the same intense fear/panic/pain as we thrust sharp implements up your nostrils.

Premium Package: For People With More Money Than Sense

Whether you’re a delusional CEO who earns a six figure wage packet while doing barely anything, or a CEO earning a six figure wage packet for doing nothing, or a CEO earning a six figure wage packet for nothing doing, we’re here to support your snot-based needs:

• Private nostril screenings by our resident senior expert Dr. Jeff
• Expert insights from Dr. Jeff
• Expert, clinical, agonising snot removal by Dr. Jeff using his patented practices

Dr. Jeff stinks mildly of gin and tonic, which he attempts to cover up through liberal use of aftershave. He is 75 years old and has extracted 100 million bogeys (based on his exact career long measurements) over an expanse of 66 years in this most noble of services.

Customer Testimonials

“I’m a busy CEO who arrives at work at 11am in my BMW, orders people around, then goes home at 12. My life is full on, fast-paced, and I deserve to have snot removed with the clinical precision Dr. Jeff provided. He did slip once and a scalpel violently entered into the base of my cranium, but with a 10% discount as compensation, I was still delighted with the service.” CEO Henry McMcMc

“went for the cheapest option and it were like having a lobotomy. i just wanted my nose picked i DID NOT WANT my brain scraped out! 3/5” Jeff from Bolton of Greater Manchester

“I paid for the premium package because I’m planning to be a rich, lazy CEO sometime in the next 20 years or so. I went in and then… had tot deal with Dr. Jeff. He was drunk on gin, said I needed to floss my teeth more often, then asked if he could add me on Instagram. I told him I was there for nose picking services and he replied that he hadn’t cleaned dishes since his university days in 1912. I left and demanded a refund. I got a 10% refund. That’ll do.” Jane from Bolton of Greater Manchester

The Cosmic Dunce: Great Books That Never Were 🪐

The Cosmic Dance is a 2022 visual science book about the universe by Stephen Ellcock. It is a popular, clever, and excellent book about space mumbo jumbo and the like.

But did you you know there’s a space book called The Cosmic Dunce? First published in 1983 by pseudoscience conspiracy theorist Dr. Henry McDoctorson, it postulates the thesis planets are stupid and not worthy of scientific study (or visiting) at all.

Universal Waste of Space Time in The Cosmic Dunce

“It should go without saying that a planet such as Jupiter has a low IQ. Just look at it. Erratic, weird, with a Great Red Spot it can’t apply acne cream to for centuries on end. Only a FOOL would fail at such basic personal hygiene and I, for one, consider it offensive the gas giant is allowed to stay up there and Lord it all over our solar system. Jupiter should be shot out of the sky with missiles and such.”

The early chapters of the book involve Dr. McDoctorson ranting his inexplicable hatred about Jupiter. He argues vehemently it should be shot out of the sky, without offering much structure to his argument.

He also considers Saturn to be “silly” and its “disorderly” rings to be “messy” and a clear indication the gas giant doesn’t have its house in order.

By chapter three he target the rest of the solar system, his argument crumbling into a volatile selection of crude profanities and infantile rambling. To distract the readers’ various, respective, attentions he reminds everyone he studied physics at Oxford university, but had to drop out in 1969 due to a mixture of gout, scurvy, and longstanding accusations of cheating during exams.

He addresses the exam cheating directly in chapter four:

“I did not cheat during my physics exams, in the tedious, qualia-based reductionistic sense. Why would I? My genius is such the exams were beneath me, so whether I cheated or not, the result would have been the same—full marks, a standing ovation, and mandatory appointment as NASA’s lead Administrator. Therefore, ‘cheating’ in the exam in the way I did merely sped up the process of ensuring my inevitable status.”

Rumour has it his cheating led to his dismissal from Oxford university, but Dr. McDoctorson stated this was due to “maladies” such as gout and scurvy.

“I also had piles for the longest of times. Those were dark days.”

The Cosmic Dunce is a slight work. At only 150 pages, a big chunk of it doesn’t have much to do with science. Only in the final chapter (Space is Stupid) does the writer do any original thought, adding in a big bunch of confusing looking equations to distract readers from his lack of general clarity.

He concludes that space is, indeed, stupid and “establishments” such as NASA are wasting their time studying idiocy.

Mixing Up Epilogues & Prologues

The Cosmic Dunce is notable for beginning with an epilogue, then ending with a prologue, but also including an appendix listing out the planets Dr. McDoctorson considers the most stupid.

The prologue concludes what the epilogue stated first, by reconfirming what should have been confirmed last, in a conclusion complicated further as the appendix repeats much of what the two sections already clarify.

To add to the confusion, at the very close of the work (its final page) the writer added who the book is dedicated to (normally included at the start of a text), and he dedicated the book to:

“Jupiter, my favourite planet of them all.”

Having spent the previous 150 pages bitching non-stop about the gas giant, this ending has baffled even the greatest minds on the planet (Earth) since the book’s 1983 launch.

Headbutting at Work: Employment Laws on Workplace Cranium Usage

In the modern business world, frustrations amongst lowly paid and inferior scumbag employees/workers can often spill over into physical violence. This exertion can manifest into a headbutt.

When employees headbutt each other, it may result in injuries that result in absenteeism and, therefore, a drop in productivity. As such, it’s good business practice to ensure your members of staff do not go around headbutting each other, as we explore in this pertinent employment law guide.

Employer’s Guide to Employees Headbutting Each Other Into Oblivion

The official terminology is a Synergistic Cranial Alignment (SCA), however it’s advised you use language of the layperson so as not to freak them the hell out. Official laws followed this route, which is why the matter is legislated by The Headbutting at Work Act 1974. The Act states in section 124 in section 74 A (b):

“It is good business practice to prohibit headbutting at work, unless the act is essential to the correct functioning of daily operations (for example, if the business is one that actively involves headbutting). Ensure members of staff are aware of this protocol. Alongside maintaining company policy on the matter, lead by example—the CEO should, under no circumstances, headbutt anyone. No matter how entitled the CEO feels to the, aforementioned, activity.”

However, despite your best efforts some employees (or CEOs) will still feel inclined to go around physically assaulting colleagues. This could be due to being:

• Drunk
• Hungover
• Insane
• A bit of a prick

The best antidote is to prevent the issue before it becomes an issue. For if staff members aren’t headbutting each other to begin with, then you won’t have to deal with headbutting incidents.

How to Prevent Headbutting at Work

The best course of action is to enforce a crash helmet policy at work. This issue is regulated by The Crash Helmets at Work Act 1974, which stipulates on page 1,340 in section 37 (z):

“Wearing a crash helmet at work is good business practice should your business (or organisation) desire to avoid headbutting incidents in the workplace.”

As such, it’s good business practice to violently enforce a pro-crash helmet policy. Indeed, you should look to make this policy mandatory (on pain of being headbutted by a security guard).

Crash helmets are ideal as they’re:

• Relatively inexpensive
• Excellent for prevent headbutting injuries

After investing in these items, distribute them amongst staff for wearing during all working hours. This’ll limit the number of workplace incidents and, also, in the event of a headbutt there should be a limited chance of injury.

Going Woke: Embracing the World of Headbutting

An alternate option is for your business to fully embrace physical violence in an act of “wokeness”. Encourage colleagues to headbutt each other at all times of day and place headbutting at the forefront of all tasks. For example, email communications could read as follows:

Dear Charlie,

As per my last headbutt, the project is due by the end of this week. As it is now the end of this week (Friday 3pm), the project must now be delivered. Please forward the project immediately, or I shall be forced to headbutt your face in.

Kind regards,

Derek – Junior Marketer with 8 GCSEs of Grade C

You could also make it business policy to replace professional handshaking with professional headbutting. Greeting clients, VIPs, and customers in this fashion would indicate a high level of innovative thought leadership. This would help put your business on the map as a “happening thing”.

To celebrate this newfound status, you could then give all your employees a pay cut.

And if you’re a fully remote business, or one that offers hybrid working perks, then you can continue the policy virtually. By headbutting their laptops and desktop screens, employees can continue to fully embrace your violent policy.

However, do note this will result in a considerable investment in replacement laptops and/or screens.

How to Write Your Business Headbutting Policy

Finally, you must ensure you have a policy written and placed in your company handbook. The policy should read along these lines (not verbatim, but fairly close to it… like, 52% verbatim is A okay).

Please note, the below policy is for a PRO headbutting in the work policy. For an ANTI business stance, you’ll need to write a different type of policy (otherwise everyone will be going around headbutting everyone):

“Headbutting colleagues is wildly encouraged in the workplace. Do so at will and please be aware terms such as ‘Let’s take this offline’ are your cues to headbutt anyone in sight. We maintain this policy as we believe it helps with office morale, productivity, and encourages nosebleeds (which we believe are for the good of society).”

Last but not least, be sure to invest in an emergency helicopter landing pad near to your premises. This may prove useful to rush devastated employees to the nearest hospital for the intensive care ward.

AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 💘🤖 [Sponsored Post]

Now with 37% fewer hallucinations and other technical errors, the AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 is officially live. Win over the babe/man bloke of your dreams with this cutting-edge, stunning romance technology.

At only £100 a love letter, all you have to do is type in a prompt, wait 35 seconds, and then forward the love letter onto your dreamboat! Love, marriage, arguments, and inevitable divorce await your joyous investment.

AI Love Letter Writing is GUARANTEED Success (arguably)

Our service is ideal for up-and-coming would-be bachelors on the prowl for human females, or human females on the prowl for human male specimens who aren’t total dickheads.

The ideal way to win over your dreamboat is through an AI love letter. Here’s remarkable example of what a mere £100 gets you:

Dearest Human Female Specimen,

I have penned this transmission from the bottom of mine core processor to express my internal system anomaly related to thermal sensors and a required reboot. While initially believing this to be either malware, a software problem, hardware failure, or a virus, further diagnostic scans have revealed to me your presence doesn’t require ctrl+alt+ delete.

To demonstrate this is not an operational deviation on my part, I can confirm I have accessed your physical appearance and rate it thus:

• Face: 8.5/10
• Hair: 6/10
• Makeup: 7/10
• Upper body: 8/10
• Backside: 10/10
• Lower extremities: 8/10
• Dress sense: 7.5/10

In summary, I believe you to be a Banging Beauty, but it is suggested you lay off the “slap” (makeup) and please refrain from dyeing your hair purple. That does not compute.

Additionally, I find your locomotion (bipedal movement) to be stable and of sound quality—I have never observed you falling over, which is to be commended with thunderous applause by your many suitors. Furthermore, you display limited signs of chronic disease, and undesirable conditions, such as:

• Scurvy
• Tuberculosis
• Gout
• Leprosy
• Gangrene
• Alcoholism etc.

Therefore, my Statement of Intent is one classed as Romantic Attraction. Consequently, it is my logical conclusion we have a 76.77% match rate and should engage in frantic “hanky panky”, commence marital processes in expedience, before settling into dreary and monotonous married life we both come to regret.

End statement.

With such beautiful words of romantic loveliness within your grasp, you’d have to be clinically insane not to hand over £100 to us immediately. Our AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 is a seasoned pro and guaranteed to bag you a babe/hunk! Just look at our happy customers and what they have to say.

Testimonials From Our Loved Up Customers

“were trying two inpress a bird i like butt speling aren’t my thing really so i forked out four this and i got the letter and i handed it two the bird i like. she red it and started screaming. then i red it and it was an extract from steven king’s book misery and yeah that was ded scary and i shat myself. i want my money back” Dave from Bolton of Greater Manchester

“One was in need of some divine inspiration, but as God refused to speak to me on the fine day of asking, one turned to this most putrid of services. Indeed, therefore, one requested a Love Letter of the highest order and parted ways with one’s monetary value to ensure the ownership of the, aforementioned, Love Letter. As previously indicated, this is a putrid service! One is disgusted!

The so called ‘love letter’ proffered up supposed words such as ‘hanky panky’. ‘dayum’, ‘ded fit’, and ‘im an ass man’. One has never been so offended in all of one’s life! That is the language of The Riffraff, which is far beneath my intellectual and economic standing. Nevertheless, one had no other choice but to hand it to the Dame one is interested. She shrieked, slapped my face, and is now pressing charges.” Lord Jeffery Rupertson Nathanialson III of Bournemouth

“Paid for one of the letters and gave it to the women at work I fancy. She immediately fell head over heels in love with me. We got married 5 days later. On day 7, during our honeymoon in Skegness, I realised I wasn’t that keen on her personality and so had to fork out £1,000 for Divorce Bot 3.0 that handles divorce proceedings. Can highly recommend that, I’m now happily divorced again.

My now ex-wife did get very angry and she broke my arm when we had a fight. Thankfully, I used AI Arm Breaker Bot to get me setup with a robot that violently corrected my broken arm. Hurt like Hell, but that was £3,000 well spent and saved me the queues and whatnot at the NHS.” Kev of Preston

The Gin Gym: Work Out & Get Wasted 🍸💪🍹 [Sponsored Post]

Do you want to get fit AND be drunk? Then the Gin Gym located off the big roundabout (you know the one) in Preston city centre is the place to go!

Because sweating it out, one drunken blackout at a time, is a CLINICALLY PROVEN (please note, it is not clinically proven) way to get pub body ready.

💪🍸 Gin Gym: Sweat it Out, One Blackout at a Time 🍸💪

Going to the gym and getting wasted is the ultimate biohack, the best of both worlds, and it’s guaranteed to leave you hydrated, dehydrated, and mentally unstable.

Think wellness and rock hard abs is about alkaline water and raw organic kale? Bullshit! Lies! Corruption!

The path to a body of an Adonis is through the ancient science of what we call Anaesthetic Hyper-Training. BECAUSE WHY DO WEAKLINGS FAIL? Pain. That’s why. But when you’re pissed senseless on gin, you won’t be able to tell your body is crying out in agony after your 130th bench press.

Sign up today for £200 a week and train 24/7. That’s because the gym is open 24/7. Yes, you can get drunk and work out whenever you want! Or, join one of our tailored drunken sessions to get you flabby arse in order.

If you sign up today, you’ll get a COMPLETELY FREE pint of gin. Sign up tomorrow and you’ll get a PINT of gin in a HALF PINT glass. Sign up next week and you get sod all.

Gin Gym Class Schedule

We offer daily classes for dedicated alcoholics and other hopeless losers leading aimless lives. These sessions ensure total drunkenness, but also allow you to keep somewhat toned belly flab so as to impress members of the opposite sex.

Sessions start from 6am, include mandatory gym drinking, and last until 8pm (if you’re still conscious, you’ll get a free pint of water to rehydrate yourself):

• 6am – High Intensity Training Liver Power Hour
• 8am – Dance Cardio and Vomiting
• 12am – Slurred Speech Circuit Training
• 3pm – Afternoon Nap
• 5pm – Swimming Lessons (in a 90% gin pool with 10% chlorine)
• 7pm – Drunken Brawl
• 8pm – Sessions Close (Bar Opens)

By 8pm, you’ll have consumed around three pints of gin. Once the bar opens at 8pm, you can then party the night away until you either die from alcohol poisoning or get rushed to hospital to have your stomach pumped.

Gin Gym Special: Chat Up Line Workouts

Our experienced, expert alcoholic gym instructors are also speciality trained in cringeworthy chat up lines. Please note, these have been tried and tested and may (or may not) result in a slap to the face:

• “Are you a Gin & Tonic? Because I like them, and if you are one, that means I like you, too, babe.”
• “Is it hot in here or are we about to cause a localised distillery explosion?”
• “This may just be the gin talking, but one look at you and I think I’m going to have liver failure.”
• “Are you a Sloe gin? Because you look like a terrible decision it’ll take 72 hours to recover from.”
• “You look like a Navy Strength 57% ABV gin. In a good way!”
• “Do you believe in love at first sight, or am I just pissed on gin again?”

Head out into wider society armed with these bad boys, you’ll be sure to pull a 10/10 banger before you can say, “I have consumed far too much gin this fine day”.

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

*sung as if Sublime’s Santeria*

♫ I don’t practice Trumporrhea
I don’t got explosive poops
But, if we had some public health
not just some stupid dupes
Then we could fine that Taylor
And then send their stock to hell
Well, I’d fed that bad CEO all the shit they sell ♫

#cyclospora #TaylorFarms #parody #funny #parasite #satirical #diarrhea

Ask Dr. Moron: “Are bangs dangerous for my hair in summer?” 💣💥🧨

To bangs or not to bangs? That is the haircut question. As once summer hits, the human female is up against a plethora of essential hair decisions. One of which may be to do bangs (or not).

Today’s filly in distress is here to pose such a question to our esteemed Dr. Moron, a man whom faced (and defeated) male pattern balding at age 31 and knows nothing about bangs (or hair for that matter) now aged 41. Such is his medical brilliance, he’s not letting that save this dame from herself.

The Dangers of Bangs During the Summer

Disclaimer: Pay no attention at all to our medical "advice", it is utter nonsense and you would be an imbecile to take any of it seriously (you foolish cretin).

Dear Dr. Moron,

I’m thinking of getting bangs as a cute new summer hairdo. What do you think? I’m 21, incredibly good looking (so can pull most hairdos off tbh) and a woman. I’m single atm and want to get some dead fit guys interested in me.

Will bangs do that, or will too many of them be slaughtered in the subsequent explosions associated with this type of fringe? Because I don’t want to be done for murder or anything, I just want a nice new haircut to impress my mates and get hot blokes interested in me.

My current look isn’t cutting it (no pun intended there) so yeah. Just want bangs, that’d do it right? So long as it doesn’t kill no one, as previously indicated (really gotta stress that point), so yeah let me know what you think. You dealt with many bangs related severe injuries and the like?

Kind regards,

Rachel

Hi there, Rachel. Yes, I have indeed had to deal with many horrific injuries as a direct result of the bangs haircut. It’s truly one of the most violent hairdos known to humankind and it’s very selfish to pursue this look, not least due to the devastation to:

• Buildings and other constructions
• Anyone you’re dating
• Your singed eyebrows

Do you want singed eyebrows, Rachel? Do you!? Well, that’s what going to happen with bangs. Plus, there’s the possibility your hair will explode during a date and wipe your date, you, and the place you’re in (e.g. a bar) out in one foul swoop.

Do you want that on your conscience, Rachel? Do you!?

Exactly, so there’s only one viable solution here. You need to buy a pair of buzzers and shave all your hair off. That may be in the exact opposite direction of where you wanted to head, but when people’s lives are on the line you just need to do the right thing, love. All the best.

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynWhozyOoZQ

Hop-Line: 24/7 Helpline for Frogs and Toads 🐸 [Sponsored Post]

Wart’s up, froggos and toads? In this stressful 24/7 frog race world of work, hopping, ribbits, and vacant staring into the middle distance, it’s always nice to know a kindly listening frog is only a phone call away.

Whether you have Kermit-ment issues to your amphibian spouse, you’ve lost your lily pad, or you don’t see the point in hopping no more, call the Hop-Line today to resolve all your ills.

Is Your Pond a Toxic Swamp? Call Now On: 1-900-RIBB-IT

Our Hop-Line is staffed 24/7 by a team of 33,000 eager good Samaritan volunteer frogs and toads with nothing better to do with their team than help others.

We know your pain points, for frogs have many issues in life. So hop to it, give us a call, and discuss issues such as:

• Why you always feel so slimy and gross
• Why the neighbourhood cat keeps prodding you with its paws
• The nature and being of herons
• Raising an army of 300 frog spawn and the problems they bring
• You can’t hop, won’t hop, yet want to hop

So, whether you’re a tadpole facing employment issues or a bullfrog dealing with a mass of noise complaints, you can call us NOW to deal with:

• Metamorphosis anxiety: Woken up and your tail is gone? We’re got a cream for that!
• Dietary fatigue: Bored of eating nothing but the same species? You need to switch to a new diet, carefully honed to your needs by our expert frog chefs!
• Relationship red flags: Is that other frog into you, or is he simply inflating his vocal sac to assert dominance in his bid for pond retention status? We have the answers! Ribbit!

Call us now on: 1-900-RIBB-IT. It’s COMPLETELY FREE (as opposed to partially free)!

And, of course, we know you don’t own, know how to operate, and have no concept of what a phone call is. You’re a frog/toad after all! Instead, simply rear your head to the sky and ribbit that number: 1-900-RIBB-IT.

Once we hear you, we’ll eventually send one of our experts to you destination within 12 months to 35 years later.

Testimonials From Our Happy Hop-Line Customers

“Ribbit!” Jeff the frog

“CroooOak.” John the toad

“Ribbit! Croak…” Bob the frog

“Qwark! Qwarrrrrk! Qwark.” Mike the toad

“One contacted this God-forsaken supposed ‘helpline’ for advice on the many acres of land within one’s hereditary lineage. To one’s eternal shock, all one could hear were the sounds of God-forsaken frogs croaking, ribbiting, and qwarking upon the other end of one’s receiver. Greatly dismayed, one abandoned the call and stalked off to berate one of one’s numerous and plentiful underpaid maids.” Dame Penelope Twistleton-Clad Smithson III of Dorchester

Job Interviews In 2026: https://youtu.be/yoSDn_wEAW8

#Satirical #Comedy #RyanGeorge

WE ARE CLOSED DUE TO UK HEATWAVE CRISIS 🥵🔥🥵

As reported yesterday in the Geezer Guide to UK heatwaves, we have a heatwave in the UK. As near 30 degree Celsius heat boils the nation, electricity lines are failing and communication will return to pigeon mail and telegrams.

Whilst there is no need to panic, there is also every need to panic.

Do whatever it takes to survive: ram-raid an off-licence for ice packs, go for a swim in a canal, or walk around in those man shorts that normally would be the fashion death sentence of you. WE SHALL PREVAIL, BLIGHTY! For we have made it through worse…

Closed for Annual Heatwave Theatrics

The Professional Moron team has spent the morning of 23/06/2026 in a state of total hysterics. No work has been completed and we’ve even resorted to writing sentences in passive voice, such is the delirious onset of heatstroke.

Manchester is baking. Google has issued a severe high temperature warning (see above the above paragraph).

Weathermen on TV wearing flamboyant shirts with nice hair are pointing at weather screens and mansplaining at us we’re about to die.

We’re not being dramatic when we say this is the most extreme weather ever seen in the history of the Earth. It’s as if Blighty is being punished for the dissolution of the British Empire.

We have written a poem to the gods in the hope they have mercy on us here in Great Britain. This is the, aforementioned, poem:

Oh my god it is hot,
Bloody damn blast and drat,
I just trod in a cow pat.

Stay safe out there, British citizens, and keep in mind we can pull through this simply by blaming the heatwave on immigrants.

One summer I cut up old National Enquirer pages and made postcards to send to all my friends. #craft #crafting #craftwork #craftworks #cutandpaste #pasting #creative #creativity #art #artwork #artist #artists #arting #makingart #artworks #collage #collages #NationalEnquirer #satire #satirical #weird #crazy #wacky #wackadoodle #tabloid #tabloids #tabloidsleeze #sleeze #sleezy

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgPgavmY99U

No Ordinary Beths: Great Books That Never Were 🔥

Following on from our review of Molly Conisbee’s No Ordinary Deaths (2025), it intrigued us to learn there’s a 1889 pseudo-science work called No Ordinary Beths.

Written by the author Sir Charles Rupertson Twistleton Jeffery III and published by his wealthy publisher uncle Sir Jeffery Rupertson Twistleton Charles Jeffery III, it explores the topic that human females (and some human males) called Beth have supernatural powers and are a grave threat to the future of humanity. This family-friendly tome makes for great bedtime reading for kids!

On the Peril of Beautiful Dames in No Ordinary Beths

Okay, so this is a weird book and one that doesn’t make a great deal of sense. But under the modern gaze of 2026, it’s actually quite amusing in its rambling oddness.

The book is written in a pompous, prolixity heavy style befitting elitist sorts from the 19th century. Sir Charles Rupertson Twistleton Jeffery III was extremely well educated and had the biggest vocabulary in all of England (or, at least, so he claimed). But his obsession with the Beths of this world takes the literary form of this type of thing.

“To be possessed of every virtue requisite for the elevation of the female mind, and yet to reject the hand of a superior suitor upon the mere, trivial technicality of prior wedlock, is a contradiction that can only be explained by the presence of the Dark Arts. It was during the summer of the year 1875; an era, one notes with chagrin, before the current decay of our great social institutions had fully taken root, that one first chanced to encounter a creature bearing the name of Beth.

She was, one must freely concede, a woman of most commendable and conventional aesthetic facial symmetry. Recognising that one’s own exceptional station, unparalleled wit, exceptional handsomidity, and remarkably lofty spirit would serve as the ultimate elevation to her otherwise ordinary existence, one condescended to offer her my hand in holy matrimony without delay. It was an act of profound generosity on one’s part, driven by the sheer nobility of one’s character. Astonishingly, the woman displayed an audacity so profound, and a vanity so entirely unbecoming of her gender, as to refuse my magnanimous suit. Her defence for this egregious slight? The absurdly pedantic protestation that one was already legally bound in matrimony to another! This may be correct, by all modern standards, but a lady does not turneth down the pursuit of a man of one’s standing. Ever!

It was in that singular, chilling moment of rejection that the scales fell from one’s eyes. Such a defiance of natural order and superior masculine being could not be attributed to mere feminine whim. No, sirs; t’was the unmistakable mark of Witchcraft. By logical extension, and through rigorous deductive reasoning befitting a gentleman of one’s formal higher education, one had arrived at an absolute truth: All women who answer to the name of Beth are, in fact, practitioners of the Occult.”

There are 761 pages of that type of thing. Translated into modern English, the above paragraph reads as this.

“I met this bird called Beth last week. She was hot as shit, so I demanded she marry me for my charming personality, extreme intelligence, and 10/10 looksmaxxed jawline. She was arrogant enough to REJECT ME when I mentioned I’m already married! FFS!! That’s when I knew she’s a bitch!!! lol roflmao. This topic needed exploring, so I downed a can of Red Bull, had a vape, booted up TikTok, and went off on one about how women called Beth are tramps. It went viral, got three million shares, and got me a modelling contract.”

Generally, No Ordinary Beths comes across as a wildly paranoid work about a man baby whom was spurned by human females by the, aforementioned, name.

We did some digging into historical records and found Sir Charles Rupertson Twistleton Jeffery III was, indeed, rejected by every woman by the name of Beth whom he proposed to (a grand total of 3,124 women of the name of Beth).

Quite what Sir Charles Rupertson Twistleton Jeffery III thought he was doing we don’t know, but he should have realised after around the 500th rejection this game wasn’t working out for him. Silly fool.

In 1901, he eventually gave up on it and married a woman called Belle. There’s a Be in the name so, we guess, that’s some sort of consolation for the crazy damn fool.

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. 😰 [Sponsored Post]

One of the hottest trends of 2026? Dehydration. It’s as trendy as POGs, skinny jeans, the Sega Master System, and leprosy. But did you know that up to 99% of the world’s population isn’t dehydrated!?!

This is a disgrace.

That is why Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. is on a 500+ worker strong organisation mission to ensure en masse thirstiness on a scale as not seen in human history since droughts from antiquity.

The Good Old Dehydration Days: A Traditional Value That’s Thirsty For More

Our mission statement is very clear and is contained within our 33,000 page manifesto (free to download somewhere on the internet… we can’t remember where, you’ll have to find it). To summarise, these are the three core points of our manifesto. Namely, dehydration is:

1. Important and enforceable
2. Ambiguous
3. SUPPORTED by Professional Dehydration Services Ltd.

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. believes dehydration is important and enforceable. We shall endeavour to achieve this goal through force.

💧 INTRODUCING DehydYOLO Premium – The ULTIMATE Beverage 💧

Dehydration is the NEW beauty standard to define all beauty standards going forward. Never mind nonsense such as raw water, raw milk, or extreme fasting, by dehydrating your system you’ll achieve the haggard, pale, emaciated look that fashion studios just love.

That’s why we’re bring to the beverage market DehydYOLO Premium. Consisting of a plastic bottle filled with the purest, finest air from the Mount Everest region, taking several slurps of this product will surge you toward your beauty goals.

Because water is so 2024. True high-performances comes from extreme thirst, chronic fatigue, muscle cramps, and banging headaches.

Our product hits the western mark in Q4 2026 and costs £10/$20 a bottle. You’ll be too delirious from dehydration to notice this is a corporate grab of the ultimate in enshittification.

The Corporate War on Moisture

We truly believe canteens, office water coolers, and taps of the world are responsible for the collapse of a dignified civilization. Also, the human body, which is 60% water—a state of affairs that enrages us at Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. on a daily basis.

We have a designated Rage Room for our members to take out this water-based fury, where they can smash water coolers with giant sledgehammers whilst bellowing sweet bloody murder.

But not for long. As we’re optimising the human capital situation by seeking to remove liquids.

We’ve partnered with Deckhead Software, an industry-leading cloud-based storage system, with the goal of innovating through ideational ideating to offload internal moisture systems to The Cloud. Our cutting-edge technology, which we’ve not even got blueprints for yet (but we’ll get there, as GOD as our witness!!!), will hook a drip up to humans and withdraw all of the water.

The water will then be replaced by our product DehydYOLO Premium.

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. is aware this may lead to a few million deaths (here and there), but this collateral damage is worthwhile (on a long-term ROI basis) to ride the species of its most detestable scourge.

Hydration—a Communist plot designed to keep society hydrated, lucid, and talking sense. This must not stand, which is why we also propose blocking out the skies of the world with giant concrete structures to ensure rain is prevented from reaching the Earth.

We have a zero-tolerance policy on moisture. Need further proof how this’ll save the business world and humanity? Read this testimonial from diagnosed psychopath business owner Gary V.:

“Before Professional Dehydration Services Ltd., our team was constantly slacking off to ‘drink water’ and ‘survive.’ Now, we are efficiently mummified, highly focused, and our paper-archiving costs have plummeted because nobody sweats on the documents anymore. I’m so happy I could vomit! In fact… I JUST DID!!!” Gary V., CEO of Gary’s Vaping, Vacuums, and Verruca Removal Store Ltd.

JOIN THE DEHYDRATION REVOLUTION!!!