#satirical — Public Fediverse posts

The Little Prance: Great Books That Never Were 🕺🩰💃

The Little Prince (Le Petit Prince) is a famous French novella by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. It published in 1943. But did you know The Little Prance also published in 1983, by sheer coincidance (pun intended) as a moving novella about friendship, prancing, and hellish death during wartime.

Today, we’re here to celebrate the oft-forgotten work. It sold poorly upon launch, continues to sell poorly to this day, but for prancing enthusiasts such as ourselves it’s a great undiscovered masterpiece.

The Joys of Letting it All Hang Out in The Little Prance

“Then he pranced. He pranced like he’d never pranced before and, lo, there was much prancing amongst the prance enthusiasts.”

The work was written by noted pseudoscientist Dr. John Doctorson, noted for his extreme views on tennis elbow and athlete’s foot (the latter of which he “cured” through rampant amputations). In 1990, he noted in a rare interview he wrote the book as a:

“Love letter to exaggerated movements.”

The Little Prance is a bit like the film Billy Elliot (2000), but not at all as it’s set in Victorian era England 1879 and follows the exploits of the young man Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery III and his life in an upper class English family.

To the DISGUST of his mother Ingrid, Charlie befriends a working-class scumbag from a neighbouring town called Derek. The two bond over the popular pastime of prancing about the place, all whilst the mother rages about it big time:

“I cannot abide how you could besmirch the name of our family by proliferating your being around such a disgraceful specimen! Charles Twistleton Montgomery III!! Are you listening to me?!? Your fatuous friend, Derek… his family do not even own but ONE acre of land! You have brought great shame on our family to associate with such pustules of society!”

Regardless, Charlie disobeys his mother in secret. Spending many hours, days, weeks, and months together, by their teenage years they’re set to compete in The National Prancing Championships and are eager to see each other do well.

Alas, Charlie’s mother Ingrid doesn’t like the possibility of Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery III losing to the various lower class plebs in the competition. Thus, she deigns it so to sabotage leading contestants and shatter their dreams through:

• Leg breaking
• Poisoning
• Blackmail
• Nasty glares
• Enforced volunteering into the Anglo-Zulu War

After Ingrid threatens Derek’s mother with a monocle, Derek is sent off to the Zulu War, thus removing her son’s lead competitor from the contest.

However, when Charlie discovers what has happened, in DISGUST he quits the competition, signs up to the Anglo-Zulu War, and meets Derek out on the front. There, as arrows and spears rain down from all around them, the duo prance about the place in joyous unison.

The end.

A most moving tale indeed, although it is disappointing there aren’t more swear words across the 250 pages. Would it have killed the author to drop a few “bastards” or something? So, one mark off for that, otherwise this is a solid 4/5 from us and well worth a go.

The Long-Forgotten Sequel: The Little Prances

As we closed for press, it came to our attention of a 1985 sequel called The Little Prances. This one is set during the inaugural Eurovision Song Contest on May 24th 1956.

Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery III’s great grandson Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery IIII is continuing the family tradition by prancing for a career.

Held in Lugano, Switzerland, his song is titled Prance and involves a variety of piano, French horns, and his own prance solo. The 500 page novel explores the build-up to the event, his extensive training, and his personal disappointments after receiving 0 points for his performance.

To be honest, we though it was crap. Read the first one instead.

The Little Prance: Great Books That Never Were 🕺🩰💃

The Little Prince (Le Petit Prince) is a famous French novella by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. It published in 1943. But did you know The Little Prance also published in 1983, by sheer coincidance (pun intended) as a moving novella about friendship, prancing, and hellish death during wartime.

Today, we’re here to celebrate the oft-forgotten work. It sold poorly upon launch, continues to sell poorly to this day, but for prancing enthusiasts such as ourselves it’s a great undiscovered masterpiece.

The Joys of Letting it All Hang Out in The Little Prance

“Then he pranced. He pranced like he’d never pranced before and, lo, there was much prancing amongst the prance enthusiasts.”

The work was written by noted pseudoscientist Dr. John Doctorson, noted for his extreme views on tennis elbow and athlete’s foot (the latter of which he “cured” through rampant amputations). In 1990, he noted in a rare interview he wrote the book as a:

“Love letter to exaggerated movements.”

The Little Prance is a bit like the film Billy Elliot (2000), but not at all as it’s set in Victorian era England 1879 and follows the exploits of the young man Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery III and his life in an upper class English family.

To the DISGUST of his mother Ingrid, Charlie befriends a working-class scumbag from a neighbouring town called Derek. The two bond over the popular pastime of prancing about the place, all whilst the mother rages about it big time:

“I cannot abide how you could besmirch the name of our family by proliferating your being around such a disgraceful specimen! Charles Twistleton Montgomery III!! Are you listening to me?!? Your fatuous friend, Derek… his family do not even own but ONE acre of land! You have brought great shame on our family to associate with such pustules of society!”

Regardless, Charlie disobeys his mother in secret. Spending many hours, days, weeks, and months together, by their teenage years they’re set to compete in The National Prancing Championships and are eager to see each other do well.

Alas, Charlie’s mother Ingrid doesn’t like the possibility of Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery III losing to the various lower class plebs in the competition. Thus, she deigns it so to sabotage leading contestants and shatter their dreams through:

• Leg breaking
• Poisoning
• Blackmail
• Nasty glares
• Enforced volunteering into the Anglo-Zulu War

After Ingrid threatens Derek’s mother with a monocle, Derek is sent off to the Zulu War, thus removing her son’s lead competitor from the contest.

However, when Charlie discovers what has happened, in DISGUST he quits the competition, signs up to the Anglo-Zulu War, and meets Derek out on the front. There, as arrows and spears rain down from all around them, the duo prance about the place in joyous unison.

The end.

A most moving tale indeed, although it is disappointing there aren’t more swear words across the 250 pages. Would it have killed the author to drop a few “bastards” or something? So, one mark off for that, otherwise this is a solid 4/5 from us and well worth a go.

The Long-Forgotten Sequel: The Little Prances

As we closed for press, it came to our attention of a 1985 sequel called The Little Prances. This one is set during the inaugural Eurovision Song Contest on May 24th 1956.

Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery III’s great grandson Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery IIII is continuing the family tradition by prancing for a career.

Held in Lugano, Switzerland, his song is titled Prance and involves a variety of piano, French horns, and his own prance solo. The 500 page novel explores the build-up to the event, his extensive training, and his personal disappointments after receiving 0 points for his performance.

To be honest, we though it was crap. Read the first one instead.

The Little Prance: Great Books That Never Were 🕺🩰💃

The Little Prince (Le Petit Prince) is a famous French novella by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. It published in 1943. But did you know The Little Prance also published in 1983, by sheer coincidance (pun intended) as a moving novella about friendship, prancing, and hellish death during wartime.

Today, we’re here to celebrate the oft-forgotten work. It sold poorly upon launch, continues to sell poorly to this day, but for prancing enthusiasts such as ourselves it’s a great undiscovered masterpiece.

The Joys of Letting it All Hang Out in The Little Prance

“Then he pranced. He pranced like he’d never pranced before and, lo, there was much prancing amongst the prance enthusiasts.”

The work was written by noted pseudoscientist Dr. John Doctorson, noted for his extreme views on tennis elbow and athlete’s foot (the latter of which he “cured” through rampant amputations). In 1990, he noted in a rare interview he wrote the book as a:

“Love letter to exaggerated movements.”

The Little Prance is a bit like the film Billy Elliot (2000), but not at all as it’s set in Victorian era England 1879 and follows the exploits of the young man Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery III and his life in an upper class English family.

To the DISGUST of his mother Ingrid, Charlie befriends a working-class scumbag from a neighbouring town called Derek. The two bond over the popular pastime of prancing about the place, all whilst the mother rages about it big time:

“I cannot abide how you could besmirch the name of our family by proliferating your being around such a disgraceful specimen! Charles Twistleton Montgomery III!! Are you listening to me?!? Your fatuous friend, Derek… his family do not even own but ONE acre of land! You have brought great shame on our family to associate with such pustules of society!”

Regardless, Charlie disobeys his mother in secret. Spending many hours, days, weeks, and months together, by their teenage years they’re set to compete in The National Prancing Championships and are eager to see each other do well.

Alas, Charlie’s mother Ingrid doesn’t like the possibility of Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery III losing to the various lower class plebs in the competition. Thus, she deigns it so to sabotage leading contestants and shatter their dreams through:

• Leg breaking
• Poisoning
• Blackmail
• Nasty glares
• Enforced volunteering into the Anglo-Zulu War

After Ingrid threatens Derek’s mother with a monocle, Derek is sent off to the Zulu War, thus removing her son’s lead competitor from the contest.

However, when Charlie discovers what has happened, in DISGUST he quits the competition, signs up to the Anglo-Zulu War, and meets Derek out on the front. There, as arrows and spears rain down from all around them, the duo prance about the place in joyous unison.

The end.

A most moving tale indeed, although it is disappointing there aren’t more swear words across the 250 pages. Would it have killed the author to drop a few “bastards” or something? So, one mark off for that, otherwise this is a solid 4/5 from us and well worth a go.

The Long-Forgotten Sequel: The Little Prances

As we closed for press, it came to our attention of a 1985 sequel called The Little Prances. This one is set during the inaugural Eurovision Song Contest on May 24th 1956.

Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery III’s great grandson Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery IIII is continuing the family tradition by prancing for a career.

Held in Lugano, Switzerland, his song is titled Prance and involves a variety of piano, French horns, and his own prance solo. The 500 page novel explores the build-up to the event, his extensive training, and his personal disappointments after receiving 0 points for his performance.

To be honest, we though it was crap. Read the first one instead.

The Little Prance: Great Books That Never Were 🕺🩰💃

The Little Prince (Le Petit Prince) is a famous French novella by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. It published in 1943. But did you know The Little Prance also published in 1983, by sheer coincidance (pun intended) as a moving novella about friendship, prancing, and hellish death during wartime.

Today, we’re here to celebrate the oft-forgotten work. It sold poorly upon launch, continues to sell poorly to this day, but for prancing enthusiasts such as ourselves it’s a great undiscovered masterpiece.

The Joys of Letting it All Hang Out in The Little Prance

“Then he pranced. He pranced like he’d never pranced before and, lo, there was much prancing amongst the prance enthusiasts.”

The work was written by noted pseudoscientist Dr. John Doctorson, noted for his extreme views on tennis elbow and athlete’s foot (the latter of which he “cured” through rampant amputations). In 1990, he noted in a rare interview he wrote the book as a:

“Love letter to exaggerated movements.”

The Little Prance is a bit like the film Billy Elliot (2000), but not at all as it’s set in Victorian era England 1879 and follows the exploits of the young man Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery III and his life in an upper class English family.

To the DISGUST of his mother Ingrid, Charlie befriends a working-class scumbag from a neighbouring town called Derek. The two bond over the popular pastime of prancing about the place, all whilst the mother rages about it big time:

“I cannot abide how you could besmirch the name of our family by proliferating your being around such a disgraceful specimen! Charles Twistleton Montgomery III!! Are you listening to me?!? Your fatuous friend, Derek… his family do not even own but ONE acre of land! You have brought great shame on our family to associate with such pustules of society!”

Regardless, Charlie disobeys his mother in secret. Spending many hours, days, weeks, and months together, by their teenage years they’re set to compete in The National Prancing Championships and are eager to see each other do well.

Alas, Charlie’s mother Ingrid doesn’t like the possibility of Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery III losing to the various lower class plebs in the competition. Thus, she deigns it so to sabotage leading contestants and shatter their dreams through:

• Leg breaking
• Poisoning
• Blackmail
• Nasty glares
• Enforced volunteering into the Anglo-Zulu War

After Ingrid threatens Derek’s mother with a monocle, Derek is sent off to the Zulu War, thus removing her son’s lead competitor from the contest.

However, when Charlie discovers what has happened, in DISGUST he quits the competition, signs up to the Anglo-Zulu War, and meets Derek out on the front. There, as arrows and spears rain down from all around them, the duo prance about the place in joyous unison.

The end.

A most moving tale indeed, although it is disappointing there aren’t more swear words across the 250 pages. Would it have killed the author to drop a few “bastards” or something? So, one mark off for that, otherwise this is a solid 4/5 from us and well worth a go.

The Long-Forgotten Sequel: The Little Prances

As we closed for press, it came to our attention of a 1985 sequel called The Little Prances. This one is set during the inaugural Eurovision Song Contest on May 24th 1956.

Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery III’s great grandson Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery IIII is continuing the family tradition by prancing for a career.

Held in Lugano, Switzerland, his song is titled Prance and involves a variety of piano, French horns, and his own prance solo. The 500 page novel explores the build-up to the event, his extensive training, and his personal disappointments after receiving 0 points for his performance.

To be honest, we though it was crap. Read the first one instead.

The Little Prance: Great Books That Never Were 🕺🩰💃

The Little Prince (Le Petit Prince) is a famous French novella by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. It published in 1943. But did you know The Little Prance also published in 1983, by sheer coincidance (pun intended) as a moving novella about friendship, prancing, and hellish death during wartime.

Today, we’re here to celebrate the oft-forgotten work. It sold poorly upon launch, continues to sell poorly to this day, but for prancing enthusiasts such as ourselves it’s a great undiscovered masterpiece.

The Joys of Letting it All Hang Out in The Little Prance

“Then he pranced. He pranced like he’d never pranced before and, lo, there was much prancing amongst the prance enthusiasts.”

The work was written by noted pseudoscientist Dr. John Doctorson, noted for his extreme views on tennis elbow and athlete’s foot (the latter of which he “cured” through rampant amputations). In 1990, he noted in a rare interview he wrote the book as a:

“Love letter to exaggerated movements.”

The Little Prance is a bit like the film Billy Elliot (2000), but not at all as it’s set in Victorian era England 1879 and follows the exploits of the young man Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery III and his life in an upper class English family.

To the DISGUST of his mother Ingrid, Charlie befriends a working-class scumbag from a neighbouring town called Derek. The two bond over the popular pastime of prancing about the place, all whilst the mother rages about it big time:

“I cannot abide how you could besmirch the name of our family by proliferating your being around such a disgraceful specimen! Charles Twistleton Montgomery III!! Are you listening to me?!? Your fatuous friend, Derek… his family do not even own but ONE acre of land! You have brought great shame on our family to associate with such pustules of society!”

Regardless, Charlie disobeys his mother in secret. Spending many hours, days, weeks, and months together, by their teenage years they’re set to compete in The National Prancing Championships and are eager to see each other do well.

Alas, Charlie’s mother Ingrid doesn’t like the possibility of Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery III losing to the various lower class plebs in the competition. Thus, she deigns it so to sabotage leading contestants and shatter their dreams through:

• Leg breaking
• Poisoning
• Blackmail
• Nasty glares
• Enforced volunteering into the Anglo-Zulu War

After Ingrid threatens Derek’s mother with a monocle, Derek is sent off to the Zulu War, thus removing her son’s lead competitor from the contest.

However, when Charlie discovers what has happened, in DISGUST he quits the competition, signs up to the Anglo-Zulu War, and meets Derek out on the front. There, as arrows and spears rain down from all around them, the duo prance about the place in joyous unison.

The end.

A most moving tale indeed, although it is disappointing there aren’t more swear words across the 250 pages. Would it have killed the author to drop a few “bastards” or something? So, one mark off for that, otherwise this is a solid 4/5 from us and well worth a go.

The Long-Forgotten Sequel: The Little Prances

As we closed for press, it came to our attention of a 1985 sequel called The Little Prances. This one is set during the inaugural Eurovision Song Contest on May 24th 1956.

Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery III’s great grandson Charles “Charlie” Twistleton Montgomery IIII is continuing the family tradition by prancing for a career.

Held in Lugano, Switzerland, his song is titled Prance and involves a variety of piano, French horns, and his own prance solo. The 500 page novel explores the build-up to the event, his extensive training, and his personal disappointments after receiving 0 points for his performance.

To be honest, we though it was crap. Read the first one instead.

Headbutting at Work: Employment Laws on Workplace Cranium Usage

In the modern business world, frustrations amongst lowly paid and inferior scumbag employees/workers can often spill over into physical violence. This exertion can manifest into a headbutt.

When employees headbutt each other, it may result in injuries that result in absenteeism and, therefore, a drop in productivity. As such, it’s good business practice to ensure your members of staff do not go around headbutting each other, as we explore in this pertinent employment law guide.

Employer’s Guide to Employees Headbutting Each Other Into Oblivion

The official terminology is a Synergistic Cranial Alignment (SCA), however it’s advised you use language of the layperson so as not to freak them the hell out. Official laws followed this route, which is why the matter is legislated by The Headbutting at Work Act 1974. The Act states in section 124 in section 74 A (b):

“It is good business practice to prohibit headbutting at work, unless the act is essential to the correct functioning of daily operations (for example, if the business is one that actively involves headbutting). Ensure members of staff are aware of this protocol. Alongside maintaining company policy on the matter, lead by example—the CEO should, under no circumstances, headbutt anyone. No matter how entitled the CEO feels to the, aforementioned, activity.”

However, despite your best efforts some employees (or CEOs) will still feel inclined to go around physically assaulting colleagues. This could be due to being:

• Drunk
• Hungover
• Insane
• A bit of a prick

The best antidote is to prevent the issue before it becomes an issue. For if staff members aren’t headbutting each other to begin with, then you won’t have to deal with headbutting incidents.

How to Prevent Headbutting at Work

The best course of action is to enforce a crash helmet policy at work. This issue is regulated by The Crash Helmets at Work Act 1974, which stipulates on page 1,340 in section 37 (z):

“Wearing a crash helmet at work is good business practice should your business (or organisation) desire to avoid headbutting incidents in the workplace.”

As such, it’s good business practice to violently enforce a pro-crash helmet policy. Indeed, you should look to make this policy mandatory (on pain of being headbutted by a security guard).

Crash helmets are ideal as they’re:

• Relatively inexpensive
• Excellent for prevent headbutting injuries

After investing in these items, distribute them amongst staff for wearing during all working hours. This’ll limit the number of workplace incidents and, also, in the event of a headbutt there should be a limited chance of injury.

Going Woke: Embracing the World of Headbutting

An alternate option is for your business to fully embrace physical violence in an act of “wokeness”. Encourage colleagues to headbutt each other at all times of day and place headbutting at the forefront of all tasks. For example, email communications could read as follows:

Dear Charlie,

As per my last headbutt, the project is due by the end of this week. As it is now the end of this week (Friday 3pm), the project must now be delivered. Please forward the project immediately, or I shall be forced to headbutt your face in.

Kind regards,

Derek – Junior Marketer with 8 GCSEs of Grade C

You could also make it business policy to replace professional handshaking with professional headbutting. Greeting clients, VIPs, and customers in this fashion would indicate a high level of innovative thought leadership. This would help put your business on the map as a “happening thing”.

To celebrate this newfound status, you could then give all your employees a pay cut.

And if you’re a fully remote business, or one that offers hybrid working perks, then you can continue the policy virtually. By headbutting their laptops and desktop screens, employees can continue to fully embrace your violent policy.

However, do note this will result in a considerable investment in replacement laptops and/or screens.

How to Write Your Business Headbutting Policy

Finally, you must ensure you have a policy written and placed in your company handbook. The policy should read along these lines (not verbatim, but fairly close to it… like, 52% verbatim is A okay).

Please note, the below policy is for a PRO headbutting in the work policy. For an ANTI business stance, you’ll need to write a different type of policy (otherwise everyone will be going around headbutting everyone):

“Headbutting colleagues is wildly encouraged in the workplace. Do so at will and please be aware terms such as ‘Let’s take this offline’ are your cues to headbutt anyone in sight. We maintain this policy as we believe it helps with office morale, productivity, and encourages nosebleeds (which we believe are for the good of society).”

Last but not least, be sure to invest in an emergency helicopter landing pad near to your premises. This may prove useful to rush devastated employees to the nearest hospital for the intensive care ward.

Headbutting at Work: Employment Laws on Workplace Cranium Usage

In the modern business world, frustrations amongst lowly paid and inferior scumbag employees/workers can often spill over into physical violence. This exertion can manifest into a headbutt.

When employees headbutt each other, it may result in injuries that result in absenteeism and, therefore, a drop in productivity. As such, it’s good business practice to ensure your members of staff do not go around headbutting each other, as we explore in this pertinent employment law guide.

Employer’s Guide to Employees Headbutting Each Other Into Oblivion

The official terminology is a Synergistic Cranial Alignment (SCA), however it’s advised you use language of the layperson so as not to freak them the hell out. Official laws followed this route, which is why the matter is legislated by The Headbutting at Work Act 1974. The Act states in section 124 in section 74 A (b):

“It is good business practice to prohibit headbutting at work, unless the act is essential to the correct functioning of daily operations (for example, if the business is one that actively involves headbutting). Ensure members of staff are aware of this protocol. Alongside maintaining company policy on the matter, lead by example—the CEO should, under no circumstances, headbutt anyone. No matter how entitled the CEO feels to the, aforementioned, activity.”

However, despite your best efforts some employees (or CEOs) will still feel inclined to go around physically assaulting colleagues. This could be due to being:

• Drunk
• Hungover
• Insane
• A bit of a prick

The best antidote is to prevent the issue before it becomes an issue. For if staff members aren’t headbutting each other to begin with, then you won’t have to deal with headbutting incidents.

How to Prevent Headbutting at Work

The best course of action is to enforce a crash helmet policy at work. This issue is regulated by The Crash Helmets at Work Act 1974, which stipulates on page 1,340 in section 37 (z):

“Wearing a crash helmet at work is good business practice should your business (or organisation) desire to avoid headbutting incidents in the workplace.”

As such, it’s good business practice to violently enforce a pro-crash helmet policy. Indeed, you should look to make this policy mandatory (on pain of being headbutted by a security guard).

Crash helmets are ideal as they’re:

• Relatively inexpensive
• Excellent for prevent headbutting injuries

After investing in these items, distribute them amongst staff for wearing during all working hours. This’ll limit the number of workplace incidents and, also, in the event of a headbutt there should be a limited chance of injury.

Going Woke: Embracing the World of Headbutting

An alternate option is for your business to fully embrace physical violence in an act of “wokeness”. Encourage colleagues to headbutt each other at all times of day and place headbutting at the forefront of all tasks. For example, email communications could read as follows:

Dear Charlie,

As per my last headbutt, the project is due by the end of this week. As it is now the end of this week (Friday 3pm), the project must now be delivered. Please forward the project immediately, or I shall be forced to headbutt your face in.

Kind regards,

Derek – Junior Marketer with 8 GCSEs of Grade C

You could also make it business policy to replace professional handshaking with professional headbutting. Greeting clients, VIPs, and customers in this fashion would indicate a high level of innovative thought leadership. This would help put your business on the map as a “happening thing”.

To celebrate this newfound status, you could then give all your employees a pay cut.

And if you’re a fully remote business, or one that offers hybrid working perks, then you can continue the policy virtually. By headbutting their laptops and desktop screens, employees can continue to fully embrace your violent policy.

However, do note this will result in a considerable investment in replacement laptops and/or screens.

How to Write Your Business Headbutting Policy

Finally, you must ensure you have a policy written and placed in your company handbook. The policy should read along these lines (not verbatim, but fairly close to it… like, 52% verbatim is A okay).

Please note, the below policy is for a PRO headbutting in the work policy. For an ANTI business stance, you’ll need to write a different type of policy (otherwise everyone will be going around headbutting everyone):

“Headbutting colleagues is wildly encouraged in the workplace. Do so at will and please be aware terms such as ‘Let’s take this offline’ are your cues to headbutt anyone in sight. We maintain this policy as we believe it helps with office morale, productivity, and encourages nosebleeds (which we believe are for the good of society).”

Last but not least, be sure to invest in an emergency helicopter landing pad near to your premises. This may prove useful to rush devastated employees to the nearest hospital for the intensive care ward.

Headbutting at Work: Employment Laws on Workplace Cranium Usage

In the modern business world, frustrations amongst lowly paid and inferior scumbag employees/workers can often spill over into physical violence. This exertion can manifest into a headbutt.

When employees headbutt each other, it may result in injuries that result in absenteeism and, therefore, a drop in productivity. As such, it’s good business practice to ensure your members of staff do not go around headbutting each other, as we explore in this pertinent employment law guide.

Employer’s Guide to Employees Headbutting Each Other Into Oblivion

The official terminology is a Synergistic Cranial Alignment (SCA), however it’s advised you use language of the layperson so as not to freak them the hell out. Official laws followed this route, which is why the matter is legislated by The Headbutting at Work Act 1974. The Act states in section 124 in section 74 A (b):

“It is good business practice to prohibit headbutting at work, unless the act is essential to the correct functioning of daily operations (for example, if the business is one that actively involves headbutting). Ensure members of staff are aware of this protocol. Alongside maintaining company policy on the matter, lead by example—the CEO should, under no circumstances, headbutt anyone. No matter how entitled the CEO feels to the, aforementioned, activity.”

However, despite your best efforts some employees (or CEOs) will still feel inclined to go around physically assaulting colleagues. This could be due to being:

• Drunk
• Hungover
• Insane
• A bit of a prick

The best antidote is to prevent the issue before it becomes an issue. For if staff members aren’t headbutting each other to begin with, then you won’t have to deal with headbutting incidents.

How to Prevent Headbutting at Work

The best course of action is to enforce a crash helmet policy at work. This issue is regulated by The Crash Helmets at Work Act 1974, which stipulates on page 1,340 in section 37 (z):

“Wearing a crash helmet at work is good business practice should your business (or organisation) desire to avoid headbutting incidents in the workplace.”

As such, it’s good business practice to violently enforce a pro-crash helmet policy. Indeed, you should look to make this policy mandatory (on pain of being headbutted by a security guard).

Crash helmets are ideal as they’re:

• Relatively inexpensive
• Excellent for prevent headbutting injuries

After investing in these items, distribute them amongst staff for wearing during all working hours. This’ll limit the number of workplace incidents and, also, in the event of a headbutt there should be a limited chance of injury.

Going Woke: Embracing the World of Headbutting

An alternate option is for your business to fully embrace physical violence in an act of “wokeness”. Encourage colleagues to headbutt each other at all times of day and place headbutting at the forefront of all tasks. For example, email communications could read as follows:

Dear Charlie,

As per my last headbutt, the project is due by the end of this week. As it is now the end of this week (Friday 3pm), the project must now be delivered. Please forward the project immediately, or I shall be forced to headbutt your face in.

Kind regards,

Derek – Junior Marketer with 8 GCSEs of Grade C

You could also make it business policy to replace professional handshaking with professional headbutting. Greeting clients, VIPs, and customers in this fashion would indicate a high level of innovative thought leadership. This would help put your business on the map as a “happening thing”.

To celebrate this newfound status, you could then give all your employees a pay cut.

And if you’re a fully remote business, or one that offers hybrid working perks, then you can continue the policy virtually. By headbutting their laptops and desktop screens, employees can continue to fully embrace your violent policy.

However, do note this will result in a considerable investment in replacement laptops and/or screens.

How to Write Your Business Headbutting Policy

Finally, you must ensure you have a policy written and placed in your company handbook. The policy should read along these lines (not verbatim, but fairly close to it… like, 52% verbatim is A okay).

Please note, the below policy is for a PRO headbutting in the work policy. For an ANTI business stance, you’ll need to write a different type of policy (otherwise everyone will be going around headbutting everyone):

“Headbutting colleagues is wildly encouraged in the workplace. Do so at will and please be aware terms such as ‘Let’s take this offline’ are your cues to headbutt anyone in sight. We maintain this policy as we believe it helps with office morale, productivity, and encourages nosebleeds (which we believe are for the good of society).”

Last but not least, be sure to invest in an emergency helicopter landing pad near to your premises. This may prove useful to rush devastated employees to the nearest hospital for the intensive care ward.

Headbutting at Work: Employment Laws on Workplace Cranium Usage

In the modern business world, frustrations amongst lowly paid and inferior scumbag employees/workers can often spill over into physical violence. This exertion can manifest into a headbutt.

When employees headbutt each other, it may result in injuries that result in absenteeism and, therefore, a drop in productivity. As such, it’s good business practice to ensure your members of staff do not go around headbutting each other, as we explore in this pertinent employment law guide.

Employer’s Guide to Employees Headbutting Each Other Into Oblivion

The official terminology is a Synergistic Cranial Alignment (SCA), however it’s advised you use language of the layperson so as not to freak them the hell out. Official laws followed this route, which is why the matter is legislated by The Headbutting at Work Act 1974. The Act states in section 124 in section 74 A (b):

“It is good business practice to prohibit headbutting at work, unless the act is essential to the correct functioning of daily operations (for example, if the business is one that actively involves headbutting). Ensure members of staff are aware of this protocol. Alongside maintaining company policy on the matter, lead by example—the CEO should, under no circumstances, headbutt anyone. No matter how entitled the CEO feels to the, aforementioned, activity.”

However, despite your best efforts some employees (or CEOs) will still feel inclined to go around physically assaulting colleagues. This could be due to being:

• Drunk
• Hungover
• Insane
• A bit of a prick

The best antidote is to prevent the issue before it becomes an issue. For if staff members aren’t headbutting each other to begin with, then you won’t have to deal with headbutting incidents.

How to Prevent Headbutting at Work

The best course of action is to enforce a crash helmet policy at work. This issue is regulated by The Crash Helmets at Work Act 1974, which stipulates on page 1,340 in section 37 (z):

“Wearing a crash helmet at work is good business practice should your business (or organisation) desire to avoid headbutting incidents in the workplace.”

As such, it’s good business practice to violently enforce a pro-crash helmet policy. Indeed, you should look to make this policy mandatory (on pain of being headbutted by a security guard).

Crash helmets are ideal as they’re:

• Relatively inexpensive
• Excellent for prevent headbutting injuries

After investing in these items, distribute them amongst staff for wearing during all working hours. This’ll limit the number of workplace incidents and, also, in the event of a headbutt there should be a limited chance of injury.

Going Woke: Embracing the World of Headbutting

An alternate option is for your business to fully embrace physical violence in an act of “wokeness”. Encourage colleagues to headbutt each other at all times of day and place headbutting at the forefront of all tasks. For example, email communications could read as follows:

Dear Charlie,

As per my last headbutt, the project is due by the end of this week. As it is now the end of this week (Friday 3pm), the project must now be delivered. Please forward the project immediately, or I shall be forced to headbutt your face in.

Kind regards,

Derek – Junior Marketer with 8 GCSEs of Grade C

You could also make it business policy to replace professional handshaking with professional headbutting. Greeting clients, VIPs, and customers in this fashion would indicate a high level of innovative thought leadership. This would help put your business on the map as a “happening thing”.

To celebrate this newfound status, you could then give all your employees a pay cut.

And if you’re a fully remote business, or one that offers hybrid working perks, then you can continue the policy virtually. By headbutting their laptops and desktop screens, employees can continue to fully embrace your violent policy.

However, do note this will result in a considerable investment in replacement laptops and/or screens.

How to Write Your Business Headbutting Policy

Finally, you must ensure you have a policy written and placed in your company handbook. The policy should read along these lines (not verbatim, but fairly close to it… like, 52% verbatim is A okay).

Please note, the below policy is for a PRO headbutting in the work policy. For an ANTI business stance, you’ll need to write a different type of policy (otherwise everyone will be going around headbutting everyone):

“Headbutting colleagues is wildly encouraged in the workplace. Do so at will and please be aware terms such as ‘Let’s take this offline’ are your cues to headbutt anyone in sight. We maintain this policy as we believe it helps with office morale, productivity, and encourages nosebleeds (which we believe are for the good of society).”

Last but not least, be sure to invest in an emergency helicopter landing pad near to your premises. This may prove useful to rush devastated employees to the nearest hospital for the intensive care ward.

Headbutting at Work: Employment Laws on Workplace Cranium Usage

In the modern business world, frustrations amongst lowly paid and inferior scumbag employees/workers can often spill over into physical violence. This exertion can manifest into a headbutt.

When employees headbutt each other, it may result in injuries that result in absenteeism and, therefore, a drop in productivity. As such, it’s good business practice to ensure your members of staff do not go around headbutting each other, as we explore in this pertinent employment law guide.

Employer’s Guide to Employees Headbutting Each Other Into Oblivion

The official terminology is a Synergistic Cranial Alignment (SCA), however it’s advised you use language of the layperson so as not to freak them the hell out. Official laws followed this route, which is why the matter is legislated by The Headbutting at Work Act 1974. The Act states in section 124 in section 74 A (b):

“It is good business practice to prohibit headbutting at work, unless the act is essential to the correct functioning of daily operations (for example, if the business is one that actively involves headbutting). Ensure members of staff are aware of this protocol. Alongside maintaining company policy on the matter, lead by example—the CEO should, under no circumstances, headbutt anyone. No matter how entitled the CEO feels to the, aforementioned, activity.”

However, despite your best efforts some employees (or CEOs) will still feel inclined to go around physically assaulting colleagues. This could be due to being:

• Drunk
• Hungover
• Insane
• A bit of a prick

The best antidote is to prevent the issue before it becomes an issue. For if staff members aren’t headbutting each other to begin with, then you won’t have to deal with headbutting incidents.

How to Prevent Headbutting at Work

The best course of action is to enforce a crash helmet policy at work. This issue is regulated by The Crash Helmets at Work Act 1974, which stipulates on page 1,340 in section 37 (z):

“Wearing a crash helmet at work is good business practice should your business (or organisation) desire to avoid headbutting incidents in the workplace.”

As such, it’s good business practice to violently enforce a pro-crash helmet policy. Indeed, you should look to make this policy mandatory (on pain of being headbutted by a security guard).

Crash helmets are ideal as they’re:

• Relatively inexpensive
• Excellent for prevent headbutting injuries

After investing in these items, distribute them amongst staff for wearing during all working hours. This’ll limit the number of workplace incidents and, also, in the event of a headbutt there should be a limited chance of injury.

Going Woke: Embracing the World of Headbutting

An alternate option is for your business to fully embrace physical violence in an act of “wokeness”. Encourage colleagues to headbutt each other at all times of day and place headbutting at the forefront of all tasks. For example, email communications could read as follows:

Dear Charlie,

As per my last headbutt, the project is due by the end of this week. As it is now the end of this week (Friday 3pm), the project must now be delivered. Please forward the project immediately, or I shall be forced to headbutt your face in.

Kind regards,

Derek – Junior Marketer with 8 GCSEs of Grade C

You could also make it business policy to replace professional handshaking with professional headbutting. Greeting clients, VIPs, and customers in this fashion would indicate a high level of innovative thought leadership. This would help put your business on the map as a “happening thing”.

To celebrate this newfound status, you could then give all your employees a pay cut.

And if you’re a fully remote business, or one that offers hybrid working perks, then you can continue the policy virtually. By headbutting their laptops and desktop screens, employees can continue to fully embrace your violent policy.

However, do note this will result in a considerable investment in replacement laptops and/or screens.

How to Write Your Business Headbutting Policy

Finally, you must ensure you have a policy written and placed in your company handbook. The policy should read along these lines (not verbatim, but fairly close to it… like, 52% verbatim is A okay).

Please note, the below policy is for a PRO headbutting in the work policy. For an ANTI business stance, you’ll need to write a different type of policy (otherwise everyone will be going around headbutting everyone):

“Headbutting colleagues is wildly encouraged in the workplace. Do so at will and please be aware terms such as ‘Let’s take this offline’ are your cues to headbutt anyone in sight. We maintain this policy as we believe it helps with office morale, productivity, and encourages nosebleeds (which we believe are for the good of society).”

Last but not least, be sure to invest in an emergency helicopter landing pad near to your premises. This may prove useful to rush devastated employees to the nearest hospital for the intensive care ward.

The Gin Gym: Work Out & Get Wasted 🍸💪🍹 [Sponsored Post]

Do you want to get fit AND be drunk? Then the Gin Gym located off the big roundabout (you know the one) in Preston city centre is the place to go!

Because sweating it out, one drunken blackout at a time, is a CLINICALLY PROVEN (please note, it is not clinically proven) way to get pub body ready.

💪🍸 Gin Gym: Sweat it Out, One Blackout at a Time 🍸💪

Going to the gym and getting wasted is the ultimate biohack, the best of both worlds, and it’s guaranteed to leave you hydrated, dehydrated, and mentally unstable.

Think wellness and rock hard abs is about alkaline water and raw organic kale? Bullshit! Lies! Corruption!

The path to a body of an Adonis is through the ancient science of what we call Anaesthetic Hyper-Training. BECAUSE WHY DO WEAKLINGS FAIL? Pain. That’s why. But when you’re pissed senseless on gin, you won’t be able to tell your body is crying out in agony after your 130th bench press.

Sign up today for £200 a week and train 24/7. That’s because the gym is open 24/7. Yes, you can get drunk and work out whenever you want! Or, join one of our tailored drunken sessions to get you flabby arse in order.

If you sign up today, you’ll get a COMPLETELY FREE pint of gin. Sign up tomorrow and you’ll get a PINT of gin in a HALF PINT glass. Sign up next week and you get sod all.

Gin Gym Class Schedule

We offer daily classes for dedicated alcoholics and other hopeless losers leading aimless lives. These sessions ensure total drunkenness, but also allow you to keep somewhat toned belly flab so as to impress members of the opposite sex.

Sessions start from 6am, include mandatory gym drinking, and last until 8pm (if you’re still conscious, you’ll get a free pint of water to rehydrate yourself):

• 6am – High Intensity Training Liver Power Hour
• 8am – Dance Cardio and Vomiting
• 12am – Slurred Speech Circuit Training
• 3pm – Afternoon Nap
• 5pm – Swimming Lessons (in a 90% gin pool with 10% chlorine)
• 7pm – Drunken Brawl
• 8pm – Sessions Close (Bar Opens)

By 8pm, you’ll have consumed around three pints of gin. Once the bar opens at 8pm, you can then party the night away until you either die from alcohol poisoning or get rushed to hospital to have your stomach pumped.

Gin Gym Special: Chat Up Line Workouts

Our experienced, expert alcoholic gym instructors are also speciality trained in cringeworthy chat up lines. Please note, these have been tried and tested and may (or may not) result in a slap to the face:

• “Are you a Gin & Tonic? Because I like them, and if you are one, that means I like you, too, babe.”
• “Is it hot in here or are we about to cause a localised distillery explosion?”
• “This may just be the gin talking, but one look at you and I think I’m going to have liver failure.”
• “Are you a Sloe gin? Because you look like a terrible decision it’ll take 72 hours to recover from.”
• “You look like a Navy Strength 57% ABV gin. In a good way!”
• “Do you believe in love at first sight, or am I just pissed on gin again?”

Head out into wider society armed with these bad boys, you’ll be sure to pull a 10/10 banger before you can say, “I have consumed far too much gin this fine day”.

Book of da Month: I Am a Cat (Volume 1) by Natsume Sōseki 🐈‍⬛

I Am a Cat (吾輩は猫である—Wagahai wa Neko de Aru) was published in 1905, a satirical novel by Japanese poet, novelist, and scholar Natsume Sōseki (1867-1916).

Told from the perspective of a feline narrator, the once stray kitten is adopted into the home of an upper-middle-class family. The cat observes the world around it, lampooning the Meiji-era society as it preens itself, and presenting playful mockery for all ages. Meow indeed.

Satire and Self-Importance in I Am a Cat (Volume 1)

“Living as I do with human beings, the more that I observe them, the more I am forced to conclude that they are selfish.”

It’s a fun idea, to mock human society from the perspective of a cat. The animals that have little respect for the things we take so seriously. It’s also now an intriguing historical record on the Meiji period (1868-1912) of Japan.

From the same era, over in Victorian era England, Edwin A. Abbott penned the novella Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions (1884). It shows how long satire has played on creative minds, anyway, even if Abbott’s work is better.

A key difference is I Am a Cat is a long book. You can but it in three volumes, or 10 instalments, so it’s worth flagging up why the concept ended up so protracted. The 2025 edition we picked up has a new translation by Nick Bradley. In his introduction, he notes:

“What eventually became the novel I Am a Cat originally began as a short story published in 1905 in the literary magazine Hototogisu (the Japanese word for ‘cuckoo’). The story, when it was published, was so incredibly popular that Sōseki, similar to Conan Doyle and his popular Sherlock Holmes character, found himself pressured by the Japanese reading public into writing more stories from the perspective of his feline narrator.”

Intended as a one-off novella, then, but commercial pressure mounted and the writer was compelled to do more.

Despite its title, I Am a Cat isn’t entirely from the perspective of a feline. As it does cut quite regularly to conversations between citizens, such as Mr. Sneaze and his fast-talking friend Waverhouse. These are set alongside biting witticisms from the cat, notably on Japan’s modernisation and a greater focus on individualism.

“In the old days, a man was taught to forget himself. Today it is quite different: he is taught not to forget himself and he accordingly spends his days and nights in endless self-regard. Who can possibly know peace in such an eternally burning hell? The apparent realities of this awful world, even the beast lines of being, are all symptoms of that sickness for which the only cure lies in learning to forget the self.”

And then there’s the cat stuff like this.

“Had I the time to keep a diary, I’d use that time to better effect; sleeping on the veranda.”

These philosophical musings continue at a slow pace, playing out over 500 pages if you want to read the full collection, so we generally found the book better to leaf through and pick random pages to enjoy. As the book is very much of its time, marketed now as an obscure delight for readers to discover, but it won’t be quite what some want (we saw many online reviews claiming the work is “boring”).

Ironically, that kind of plays into what Natsume Sōseki was intending for I Am a Cat. The entitlement and fussiness of the human condition.

“Artfulness, uncharitableness, self-defensive wariness: these are the fruits of worldly learning. The penalty of age is this rather ugly knowingness. Which would seem to explain why one never finds among the old a single decent person. They know too much to see things straight, to feel things cleanly, to act without compromise.”

To heighten the sense of casual mockery, Sōseki used a high-register writing style. As in, it’s quite pretentious and full of grand-scale big old words to look all clever. That decision was to poke fun at Japanese higher society.

That begins with the very title of Wagahai wa Neko de Aru.

Wagahai is now classed as a really pompous pronoun to use, along the lines of those people who use “one” or “oneself”. It’s now associated with aristocratic behaviour. Basically, its use implies the user of the term considers themself to be superior to all around them.

A great little bit of nuance there that can easily get lost in translation.

However, as we’ve flagged, it is very much a book of its time. From what we’ve seen, readers claim each book from the 10 initial instalments can be read as a standalone work. Which is good, as we wouldn’t want to go through 500+ pages of this stuff.

Japan’s obsession with cats, alongside the classics status of Sōseki’s work (it’s a frequent one to read in Japanese schools), mean it’s played its way into Nippon’s public conscience.

But in the West with this new release, its cultural impact won’t be the same as that longstanding reverence isn’t established. Regardless, we find it a historical marvel and an important work of Japanese literature. In that sense, it’s worth having in your collection (and showing to your cat).