#satirical — Public Fediverse posts

Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling 🎰 [Sponsored Post]

Welcome to Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling. Hi. I’m Geraldine. I run Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling where you can come and gamble your life savings away like God intended.

I set up this establishment on a shoestring budget but it don’t show. So. Come on down. Have fun. Play the slots and drink and gamble and get into fights. I run this establishment, me. Eeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Gambling and Rambling at Geraldine’s

First thing you’ll know about when you step into my gambling shop is that this gambling shot got sticky carpets. Not sure when that happened because we only opened six weeks ago and that carpet were brand new and now its gone all gross and stuff and it’s ruined me pumps. I went for a proper aggressive 1970s geometric carpet with high-traffic patches down down to the bare plywood complete with damp underlay. It’s mandatory for gambling shops. But why is it sticky?!?

Anyway, yeah, you’ll also notice the many signs I’ve nailed all over the gaff:

• Stop tapping the glass
• NO! The fruit machine ISN’T rigged!!
• No change given without purchase
• I don’t know why the carpet is sticky
• NO REFUNDS

We have five bouncers on the door too because I am not having no nonsense on the doors or in my store. You hear? We open at 10am and then we close at 1am. If you are still in the property by 1:01am then the bouncers are legally obliged to start smacking you around the head with heavy furniture and their fists. You have been warned.

Mainly I just want you to come here and spend your money and fritter away whatever paltry savings you have got on stupid sports events. So long as I can line my pockets I do not care where you are at to be honest. But if you speak to me nicely in the store and I am not too drunk or whatever, then you might get a smile out of me.

Try and Have Some Fun at the Lukewarm Bar Here at Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling

Okay we done and got a bar here as well and it has drinks in it so if you want a drink while you’re gambling away your life’s savings then we do that. The bar is called Lukewarm because we have got this problem with the fridges and freezers and we haven’t got no ice so that means all the drinks are at room temperature except during winter because when it is naturally that cold the drinks are a bit chillier (we have not got no heating by the way).

Some of the drinks we got on our drinks menu is like this:

• Lukewarm beer from tap
• Lukewarm beer from cans
• Lukewarm cokes
• Lukewarm spirts
• Lukewarm wine (red and white)
• Lambrini (lukewarm)

So, again, just to reiterate, we don’t got fridges installed so bring your own ice in a bucket or something if you want stuff to be chilled. Heating it stuck on 40 degrees at the moment so yeah you might want to bring ice. Otherwise everything will be lukewarm because, as previously indicated, we got problems with the fridges and ice box and all that. Yes it is a bit rank but what am I supposed to do? Just drink your drinks and shut up.

Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling 🎰 [Sponsored Post]

Welcome to Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling. Hi. I’m Geraldine. I run Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling where you can come and gamble your life savings away like God intended.

I set up this establishment on a shoestring budget but it don’t show. So. Come on down. Have fun. Play the slots and drink and gamble and get into fights. I run this establishment, me. Eeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Gambling and Rambling at Geraldine’s

First thing you’ll know about when you step into my gambling shop is that this gambling shot got sticky carpets. Not sure when that happened because we only opened six weeks ago and that carpet were brand new and now its gone all gross and stuff and it’s ruined me pumps. I went for a proper aggressive 1970s geometric carpet with high-traffic patches down down to the bare plywood complete with damp underlay. It’s mandatory for gambling shops. But why is it sticky?!?

Anyway, yeah, you’ll also notice the many signs I’ve nailed all over the gaff:

• Stop tapping the glass
• NO! The fruit machine ISN’T rigged!!
• No change given without purchase
• I don’t know why the carpet is sticky
• NO REFUNDS

We have five bouncers on the door too because I am not having no nonsense on the doors or in my store. You hear? We open at 10am and then we close at 1am. If you are still in the property by 1:01am then the bouncers are legally obliged to start smacking you around the head with heavy furniture and their fists. You have been warned.

Mainly I just want you to come here and spend your money and fritter away whatever paltry savings you have got on stupid sports events. So long as I can line my pockets I do not care where you are at to be honest. But if you speak to me nicely in the store and I am not too drunk or whatever, then you might get a smile out of me.

Try and Have Some Fun at the Lukewarm Bar Here at Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling

Okay we done and got a bar here as well and it has drinks in it so if you want a drink while you’re gambling away your life’s savings then we do that. The bar is called Lukewarm because we have got this problem with the fridges and freezers and we haven’t got no ice so that means all the drinks are at room temperature except during winter because when it is naturally that cold the drinks are a bit chillier (we have not got no heating by the way).

Some of the drinks we got on our drinks menu is like this:

• Lukewarm beer from tap
• Lukewarm beer from cans
• Lukewarm cokes
• Lukewarm spirts
• Lukewarm wine (red and white)
• Lambrini (lukewarm)

So, again, just to reiterate, we don’t got fridges installed so bring your own ice in a bucket or something if you want stuff to be chilled. Heating it stuck on 40 degrees at the moment so yeah you might want to bring ice. Otherwise everything will be lukewarm because, as previously indicated, we got problems with the fridges and ice box and all that. Yes it is a bit rank but what am I supposed to do? Just drink your drinks and shut up.

Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling 🎰 [Sponsored Post]

Welcome to Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling. Hi. I’m Geraldine. I run Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling where you can come and gamble your life savings away like God intended.

I set up this establishment on a shoestring budget but it don’t show. So. Come on down. Have fun. Play the slots and drink and gamble and get into fights. I run this establishment, me. Eeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Gambling and Rambling at Geraldine’s

First thing you’ll know about when you step into my gambling shop is that this gambling shot got sticky carpets. Not sure when that happened because we only opened six weeks ago and that carpet were brand new and now its gone all gross and stuff and it’s ruined me pumps. I went for a proper aggressive 1970s geometric carpet with high-traffic patches down down to the bare plywood complete with damp underlay. It’s mandatory for gambling shops. But why is it sticky?!?

Anyway, yeah, you’ll also notice the many signs I’ve nailed all over the gaff:

• Stop tapping the glass
• NO! The fruit machine ISN’T rigged!!
• No change given without purchase
• I don’t know why the carpet is sticky
• NO REFUNDS

We have five bouncers on the door too because I am not having no nonsense on the doors or in my store. You hear? We open at 10am and then we close at 1am. If you are still in the property by 1:01am then the bouncers are legally obliged to start smacking you around the head with heavy furniture and their fists. You have been warned.

Mainly I just want you to come here and spend your money and fritter away whatever paltry savings you have got on stupid sports events. So long as I can line my pockets I do not care where you are at to be honest. But if you speak to me nicely in the store and I am not too drunk or whatever, then you might get a smile out of me.

Try and Have Some Fun at the Lukewarm Bar Here at Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling

Okay we done and got a bar here as well and it has drinks in it so if you want a drink while you’re gambling away your life’s savings then we do that. The bar is called Lukewarm because we have got this problem with the fridges and freezers and we haven’t got no ice so that means all the drinks are at room temperature except during winter because when it is naturally that cold the drinks are a bit chillier (we have not got no heating by the way).

Some of the drinks we got on our drinks menu is like this:

• Lukewarm beer from tap
• Lukewarm beer from cans
• Lukewarm cokes
• Lukewarm spirts
• Lukewarm wine (red and white)
• Lambrini (lukewarm)

So, again, just to reiterate, we don’t got fridges installed so bring your own ice in a bucket or something if you want stuff to be chilled. Heating it stuck on 40 degrees at the moment so yeah you might want to bring ice. Otherwise everything will be lukewarm because, as previously indicated, we got problems with the fridges and ice box and all that. Yes it is a bit rank but what am I supposed to do? Just drink your drinks and shut up.

Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling 🎰 [Sponsored Post]

Welcome to Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling. Hi. I’m Geraldine. I run Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling where you can come and gamble your life savings away like God intended.

I set up this establishment on a shoestring budget but it don’t show. So. Come on down. Have fun. Play the slots and drink and gamble and get into fights. I run this establishment, me. Eeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Gambling and Rambling at Geraldine’s

First thing you’ll know about when you step into my gambling shop is that this gambling shot got sticky carpets. Not sure when that happened because we only opened six weeks ago and that carpet were brand new and now its gone all gross and stuff and it’s ruined me pumps. I went for a proper aggressive 1970s geometric carpet with high-traffic patches down down to the bare plywood complete with damp underlay. It’s mandatory for gambling shops. But why is it sticky?!?

Anyway, yeah, you’ll also notice the many signs I’ve nailed all over the gaff:

• Stop tapping the glass
• NO! The fruit machine ISN’T rigged!!
• No change given without purchase
• I don’t know why the carpet is sticky
• NO REFUNDS

We have five bouncers on the door too because I am not having no nonsense on the doors or in my store. You hear? We open at 10am and then we close at 1am. If you are still in the property by 1:01am then the bouncers are legally obliged to start smacking you around the head with heavy furniture and their fists. You have been warned.

Mainly I just want you to come here and spend your money and fritter away whatever paltry savings you have got on stupid sports events. So long as I can line my pockets I do not care where you are at to be honest. But if you speak to me nicely in the store and I am not too drunk or whatever, then you might get a smile out of me.

Try and Have Some Fun at the Lukewarm Bar Here at Geraldine’s Gobby Gambling

Okay we done and got a bar here as well and it has drinks in it so if you want a drink while you’re gambling away your life’s savings then we do that. The bar is called Lukewarm because we have got this problem with the fridges and freezers and we haven’t got no ice so that means all the drinks are at room temperature except during winter because when it is naturally that cold the drinks are a bit chillier (we have not got no heating by the way).

Some of the drinks we got on our drinks menu is like this:

• Lukewarm beer from tap
• Lukewarm beer from cans
• Lukewarm cokes
• Lukewarm spirts
• Lukewarm wine (red and white)
• Lambrini (lukewarm)

So, again, just to reiterate, we don’t got fridges installed so bring your own ice in a bucket or something if you want stuff to be chilled. Heating it stuck on 40 degrees at the moment so yeah you might want to bring ice. Otherwise everything will be lukewarm because, as previously indicated, we got problems with the fridges and ice box and all that. Yes it is a bit rank but what am I supposed to do? Just drink your drinks and shut up.

Where is My Wife? Great Books That Never Were 🥧

Where is Life is a 1944 thing by smarty pants physicist genius Erwin Schrödinger. It’s a solid book we’d give it 3/5 on Goodreads and then get criticised in replies for being stupid (or something).

Anyway, we much prefer the deeply autobiographical book Where is My Wife? by Derek Smith from Preston of Lancashire. It’s a story of how he and his missus went to the Fishergate Shopping Centre in Preston, got lost, and spent an infuriating 17 minutes trying to find each other again.

Getting Lost at the Mall in Where is My Wife?

In Schrödinger’s similarly titled work, he explained how organisms differ from inanimate objects, during which he opines over the “paragon of orderliness” and what this may mean for life on Earth.

Derek Smith, meanwhile, opines over his lost wife after he headed to Greggs for a pork pie and bottle of coke. In the moving introduction, written in 1999 (one year after the publication of the work, two years after the specific incident in question), he states:

“Went to Greggs. Standard. Done that a lot in my life, born and bred in Lancashire, but never in my former ’80s mullet did I think I’d lose me bleedin’ wife at the Fishergate Shopping Centre, home to some of the best deals in all of Lancashire. Except on that dark, dark day. Bad times was had.”

The book is some 400 pages of rambling about this misadventure. Smith makes it very clear it was not his fault and, indeed, could never be his fault as his sense of direction is superb:

“Me sense of direction is superb. Second to none. So I don’t see how I could get lost in Fishergate, it’s not like it’s the bleedin’ Trafford Centre now, is it? I call foul play!”

That’s in the opening chapter. Subsequent chapters go on to explain the myriad reasons why none of this could ever be Derek’s fault. He blames:

• Communism
• Immigrants
• Socialism
• Marxism
• The lack of available maps in the shopping centre
• The lack of a customer service desk in the shopping centre
• The lack of a personal assistant
• His wife’s stupidity
• His wife’s lack of direction
• His wife
• The wife

The final 100 pages of the work are an angry rant about his wife’s “dismal” sense of direction. The book abruptly ends with a torrent of swear words and typos, suggesting Mr. Smith was drunk on beer as he concluding what he dubs his “masterpiece”.

The Rebuttal: The Wife Responds With a Podcast Series and Film

Derek Smith’s wife, Diane, responded to her husbands book belatedly. In 2020, she began a podcast series called Why My Ex-Husband is a Tosser (the couple divorced in 2018). Consisting of 10 minute episodes, Diane lists out everything she detests about her husband.

In 2022, the podcast was adapted into a film of the same name starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as Derek and Davina McCall as Diane. The low-budget production was a box office failure and amassed only £32,000 at the global box office. Schwarzenegger called it the “greatest embarrassment” of his career.

Diane Smith later confirmed she regretted the podcast series, film, and had avoided the Fishergate Shopping Centre for over 25 years since the incident. She now only shops in Lidl.

Where is My Wife? Great Books That Never Were 🥧

Where is Life is a 1944 thing by smarty pants physicist genius Erwin Schrödinger. It’s a solid book we’d give it 3/5 on Goodreads and then get criticised in replies for being stupid (or something).

Anyway, we much prefer the deeply autobiographical book Where is My Wife? by Derek Smith from Preston of Lancashire. It’s a story of how he and his missus went to the Fishergate Shopping Centre in Preston, got lost, and spent an infuriating 17 minutes trying to find each other again.

Getting Lost at the Mall in Where is My Wife?

In Schrödinger’s similarly titled work, he explained how organisms differ from inanimate objects, during which he opines over the “paragon of orderliness” and what this may mean for life on Earth.

Derek Smith, meanwhile, opines over his lost wife after he headed to Greggs for a pork pie and bottle of coke. In the moving introduction, written in 1999 (one year after the publication of the work, two years after the specific incident in question), he states:

“Went to Greggs. Standard. Done that a lot in my life, born and bred in Lancashire, but never in my former ’80s mullet did I think I’d lose me bleedin’ wife at the Fishergate Shopping Centre, home to some of the best deals in all of Lancashire. Except on that dark, dark day. Bad times was had.”

The book is some 400 pages of rambling about this misadventure. Smith makes it very clear it was not his fault and, indeed, could never be his fault as his sense of direction is superb:

“Me sense of direction is superb. Second to none. So I don’t see how I could get lost in Fishergate, it’s not like it’s the bleedin’ Trafford Centre now, is it? I call foul play!”

That’s in the opening chapter. Subsequent chapters go on to explain the myriad reasons why none of this could ever be Derek’s fault. He blames:

• Communism
• Immigrants
• Socialism
• Marxism
• The lack of available maps in the shopping centre
• The lack of a customer service desk in the shopping centre
• The lack of a personal assistant
• His wife’s stupidity
• His wife’s lack of direction
• His wife
• The wife

The final 100 pages of the work are an angry rant about his wife’s “dismal” sense of direction. The book abruptly ends with a torrent of swear words and typos, suggesting Mr. Smith was drunk on beer as he concluding what he dubs his “masterpiece”.

The Rebuttal: The Wife Responds With a Podcast Series and Film

Derek Smith’s wife, Diane, responded to her husbands book belatedly. In 2020, she began a podcast series called Why My Ex-Husband is a Tosser (the couple divorced in 2018). Consisting of 10 minute episodes, Diane lists out everything she detests about her husband.

In 2022, the podcast was adapted into a film of the same name starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as Derek and Davina McCall as Diane. The low-budget production was a box office failure and amassed only £32,000 at the global box office. Schwarzenegger called it the “greatest embarrassment” of his career.

Diane Smith later confirmed she regretted the podcast series, film, and had avoided the Fishergate Shopping Centre for over 25 years since the incident. She now only shops in Lidl.

Where is My Wife? Great Books That Never Were 🥧

Where is Life is a 1944 thing by smarty pants physicist genius Erwin Schrödinger. It’s a solid book we’d give it 3/5 on Goodreads and then get criticised in replies for being stupid (or something).

Anyway, we much prefer the deeply autobiographical book Where is My Wife? by Derek Smith from Preston of Lancashire. It’s a story of how he and his missus went to the Fishergate Shopping Centre in Preston, got lost, and spent an infuriating 17 minutes trying to find each other again.

Getting Lost at the Mall in Where is My Wife?

In Schrödinger’s similarly titled work, he explained how organisms differ from inanimate objects, during which he opines over the “paragon of orderliness” and what this may mean for life on Earth.

Derek Smith, meanwhile, opines over his lost wife after he headed to Greggs for a pork pie and bottle of coke. In the moving introduction, written in 1999 (one year after the publication of the work, two years after the specific incident in question), he states:

“Went to Greggs. Standard. Done that a lot in my life, born and bred in Lancashire, but never in my former ’80s mullet did I think I’d lose me bleedin’ wife at the Fishergate Shopping Centre, home to some of the best deals in all of Lancashire. Except on that dark, dark day. Bad times was had.”

The book is some 400 pages of rambling about this misadventure. Smith makes it very clear it was not his fault and, indeed, could never be his fault as his sense of direction is superb:

“Me sense of direction is superb. Second to none. So I don’t see how I could get lost in Fishergate, it’s not like it’s the bleedin’ Trafford Centre now, is it? I call foul play!”

That’s in the opening chapter. Subsequent chapters go on to explain the myriad reasons why none of this could ever be Derek’s fault. He blames:

• Communism
• Immigrants
• Socialism
• Marxism
• The lack of available maps in the shopping centre
• The lack of a customer service desk in the shopping centre
• The lack of a personal assistant
• His wife’s stupidity
• His wife’s lack of direction
• His wife
• The wife

The final 100 pages of the work are an angry rant about his wife’s “dismal” sense of direction. The book abruptly ends with a torrent of swear words and typos, suggesting Mr. Smith was drunk on beer as he concluding what he dubs his “masterpiece”.

The Rebuttal: The Wife Responds With a Podcast Series and Film

Derek Smith’s wife, Diane, responded to her husbands book belatedly. In 2020, she began a podcast series called Why My Ex-Husband is a Tosser (the couple divorced in 2018). Consisting of 10 minute episodes, Diane lists out everything she detests about her husband.

In 2022, the podcast was adapted into a film of the same name starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as Derek and Davina McCall as Diane. The low-budget production was a box office failure and amassed only £32,000 at the global box office. Schwarzenegger called it the “greatest embarrassment” of his career.

Diane Smith later confirmed she regretted the podcast series, film, and had avoided the Fishergate Shopping Centre for over 25 years since the incident. She now only shops in Lidl.

Listening to When That Man Is Dead And Gone by Misc Traditional Irving Berlin. Learn the melody.

https://chordyes.com/chord/misc-traditional-irving-berlin-when-that-man-is-dead-and-gone

#ibanez #prs #american #traditional #satirical #folk #rebellious

Just posted this. Completing Blocchiamo Tutto by Errico Canta Male. Nice song to enjoy. Give the lyrics a look. Chart:

https://chordyes.com/chord/errico-canta-male-blocchiamo-tutto

#guitarstand #guitartuner #italian #malevocalist #protest #political #satirical

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation 🌅 [Sponsored Post]

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. exists to make it clear that eclipses exist to force their deranged worldview onto the universe (and they are also stupid).

For all many millions of years has the Moon carried out a four-minute hostage crisis, forcing Earth’s inhabitants into the shade and ruining their days a bit. The solution is clear. The Moon must be destroyed and The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. recommends blasting it out of the sky with many nuclear weapons.

Why We’re All Falling for the Cosmic Grift

The Moon is the local celestial mafia randomly holding the Earth to ransom. Why should we all be forced into a blackout every 50 years or so just because of an erratic orbit aligning over the Sun?

The Sun (the star, not the tabloid newspaper) is utterly blame here. The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. recognises that and admonishes the Sun of any wrongdoing.

It’s the BASTARD Moon that’s the core problem. And it does it every 50 years, forcing humanity to panic buy £140 millions worth of low-quality cardboard classes (or just putting a colander over their head).

It’s Time to Take Action!

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is leading the charge against the Moon’s disgusting tactics. We’ve got some really nasty ideas to get our revenge and here they all are:

• Strongly worded leaflet campaign: An aggressive, pompous leaflet campaign will bring public attention to the eclipse crisis.
• Panic-mongering through communist claims: The Moon isn’t a communist, but we’re claiming it is anyway to drum up a sense of moral panic.
• Blowing up the Moon: The only sensible solution for Earth’s residents. Only the total destruction of the celestial body will save humanity from further eclipses.

Ultimately, blowing up the Moon will resolve all of the world’s problems. This means there’ll be no more eclipses and it’ll also stop a load of stupid people from staring at the eclipse with their eyes.

Instead, they can simply just stare at the Sun as normal and learn their lesson that way.

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is currently lobbying the UK government with bribes to persuade funding for the Moon destruction project. We shall report back before 2050 (the next scheduled eclipse) on our progress.

Proudly Sponsored by Klogged: The World’s Automatic Toilet Unblocker

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is proudly sponsored by Klogged, the industry-leading robotic toilet unblocking assistant. Klogged is proudly sponsoring us in our mission to end eclipses. Their CEO told us this:

“As the CEO of Klogged, I am proud to be saving the future of humanity by ensuring eclipses (and clogged toilets) are no more. It makes me proud to realise I am saving the universe while pocketing a six figure salary, even though I don’t really work very much to be honest. The robots do all the heavy lifting for us. Cheers!” CEO

If you need a toilet maid, then Klogged is 100% your best bet. Stop getting on your hands and knees to clean up that stuff, buy a robotic toilet contraption. For every Klogged sale, Klogged is proud to donate 1% of its monthly earnings towards the The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. foundation.

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation 🌅 [Sponsored Post]

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. exists to make it clear that eclipses exist to force their deranged worldview onto the universe (and they are also stupid).

For all many millions of years has the Moon carried out a four-minute hostage crisis, forcing Earth’s inhabitants into the shade and ruining their days a bit. The solution is clear. The Moon must be destroyed and The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. recommends blasting it out of the sky with many nuclear weapons.

Why We’re All Falling for the Cosmic Grift

The Moon is the local celestial mafia randomly holding the Earth to ransom. Why should we all be forced into a blackout every 50 years or so just because of an erratic orbit aligning over the Sun?

The Sun (the star, not the tabloid newspaper) is utterly blame here. The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. recognises that and admonishes the Sun of any wrongdoing.

It’s the BASTARD Moon that’s the core problem. And it does it every 50 years, forcing humanity to panic buy £140 millions worth of low-quality cardboard classes (or just putting a colander over their head).

It’s Time to Take Action!

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is leading the charge against the Moon’s disgusting tactics. We’ve got some really nasty ideas to get our revenge and here they all are:

• Strongly worded leaflet campaign: An aggressive, pompous leaflet campaign will bring public attention to the eclipse crisis.
• Panic-mongering through communist claims: The Moon isn’t a communist, but we’re claiming it is anyway to drum up a sense of moral panic.
• Blowing up the Moon: The only sensible solution for Earth’s residents. Only the total destruction of the celestial body will save humanity from further eclipses.

Ultimately, blowing up the Moon will resolve all of the world’s problems. This means there’ll be no more eclipses and it’ll also stop a load of stupid people from staring at the eclipse with their eyes.

Instead, they can simply just stare at the Sun as normal and learn their lesson that way.

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is currently lobbying the UK government with bribes to persuade funding for the Moon destruction project. We shall report back before 2050 (the next scheduled eclipse) on our progress.

Proudly Sponsored by Klogged: The World’s Automatic Toilet Unblocker

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is proudly sponsored by Klogged, the industry-leading robotic toilet unblocking assistant. Klogged is proudly sponsoring us in our mission to end eclipses. Their CEO told us this:

“As the CEO of Klogged, I am proud to be saving the future of humanity by ensuring eclipses (and clogged toilets) are no more. It makes me proud to realise I am saving the universe while pocketing a six figure salary, even though I don’t really work very much to be honest. The robots do all the heavy lifting for us. Cheers!” CEO

If you need a toilet maid, then Klogged is 100% your best bet. Stop getting on your hands and knees to clean up that stuff, buy a robotic toilet contraption. For every Klogged sale, Klogged is proud to donate 1% of its monthly earnings towards the The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. foundation.

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation 🌅 [Sponsored Post]

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. exists to make it clear that eclipses exist to force their deranged worldview onto the universe (and they are also stupid).

For all many millions of years has the Moon carried out a four-minute hostage crisis, forcing Earth’s inhabitants into the shade and ruining their days a bit. The solution is clear. The Moon must be destroyed and The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. recommends blasting it out of the sky with many nuclear weapons.

Why We’re All Falling for the Cosmic Grift

The Moon is the local celestial mafia randomly holding the Earth to ransom. Why should we all be forced into a blackout every 50 years or so just because of an erratic orbit aligning over the Sun?

The Sun (the star, not the tabloid newspaper) is utterly blame here. The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. recognises that and admonishes the Sun of any wrongdoing.

It’s the BASTARD Moon that’s the core problem. And it does it every 50 years, forcing humanity to panic buy £140 millions worth of low-quality cardboard classes (or just putting a colander over their head).

It’s Time to Take Action!

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is leading the charge against the Moon’s disgusting tactics. We’ve got some really nasty ideas to get our revenge and here they all are:

• Strongly worded leaflet campaign: An aggressive, pompous leaflet campaign will bring public attention to the eclipse crisis.
• Panic-mongering through communist claims: The Moon isn’t a communist, but we’re claiming it is anyway to drum up a sense of moral panic.
• Blowing up the Moon: The only sensible solution for Earth’s residents. Only the total destruction of the celestial body will save humanity from further eclipses.

Ultimately, blowing up the Moon will resolve all of the world’s problems. This means there’ll be no more eclipses and it’ll also stop a load of stupid people from staring at the eclipse with their eyes.

Instead, they can simply just stare at the Sun as normal and learn their lesson that way.

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is currently lobbying the UK government with bribes to persuade funding for the Moon destruction project. We shall report back before 2050 (the next scheduled eclipse) on our progress.

Proudly Sponsored by Klogged: The World’s Automatic Toilet Unblocker

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is proudly sponsored by Klogged, the industry-leading robotic toilet unblocking assistant. Klogged is proudly sponsoring us in our mission to end eclipses. Their CEO told us this:

“As the CEO of Klogged, I am proud to be saving the future of humanity by ensuring eclipses (and clogged toilets) are no more. It makes me proud to realise I am saving the universe while pocketing a six figure salary, even though I don’t really work very much to be honest. The robots do all the heavy lifting for us. Cheers!” CEO

If you need a toilet maid, then Klogged is 100% your best bet. Stop getting on your hands and knees to clean up that stuff, buy a robotic toilet contraption. For every Klogged sale, Klogged is proud to donate 1% of its monthly earnings towards the The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. foundation.

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation 🌅 [Sponsored Post]

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. exists to make it clear that eclipses exist to force their deranged worldview onto the universe (and they are also stupid).

For all many millions of years has the Moon carried out a four-minute hostage crisis, forcing Earth’s inhabitants into the shade and ruining their days a bit. The solution is clear. The Moon must be destroyed and The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. recommends blasting it out of the sky with many nuclear weapons.

Why We’re All Falling for the Cosmic Grift

The Moon is the local celestial mafia randomly holding the Earth to ransom. Why should we all be forced into a blackout every 50 years or so just because of an erratic orbit aligning over the Sun?

The Sun (the star, not the tabloid newspaper) is utterly blame here. The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. recognises that and admonishes the Sun of any wrongdoing.

It’s the BASTARD Moon that’s the core problem. And it does it every 50 years, forcing humanity to panic buy £140 millions worth of low-quality cardboard classes (or just putting a colander over their head).

It’s Time to Take Action!

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is leading the charge against the Moon’s disgusting tactics. We’ve got some really nasty ideas to get our revenge and here they all are:

• Strongly worded leaflet campaign: An aggressive, pompous leaflet campaign will bring public attention to the eclipse crisis.
• Panic-mongering through communist claims: The Moon isn’t a communist, but we’re claiming it is anyway to drum up a sense of moral panic.
• Blowing up the Moon: The only sensible solution for Earth’s residents. Only the total destruction of the celestial body will save humanity from further eclipses.

Ultimately, blowing up the Moon will resolve all of the world’s problems. This means there’ll be no more eclipses and it’ll also stop a load of stupid people from staring at the eclipse with their eyes.

Instead, they can simply just stare at the Sun as normal and learn their lesson that way.

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is currently lobbying the UK government with bribes to persuade funding for the Moon destruction project. We shall report back before 2050 (the next scheduled eclipse) on our progress.

Proudly Sponsored by Klogged: The World’s Automatic Toilet Unblocker

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is proudly sponsored by Klogged, the industry-leading robotic toilet unblocking assistant. Klogged is proudly sponsoring us in our mission to end eclipses. Their CEO told us this:

“As the CEO of Klogged, I am proud to be saving the future of humanity by ensuring eclipses (and clogged toilets) are no more. It makes me proud to realise I am saving the universe while pocketing a six figure salary, even though I don’t really work very much to be honest. The robots do all the heavy lifting for us. Cheers!” CEO

If you need a toilet maid, then Klogged is 100% your best bet. Stop getting on your hands and knees to clean up that stuff, buy a robotic toilet contraption. For every Klogged sale, Klogged is proud to donate 1% of its monthly earnings towards the The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. foundation.

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation 🌅 [Sponsored Post]

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. exists to make it clear that eclipses exist to force their deranged worldview onto the universe (and they are also stupid).

For all many millions of years has the Moon carried out a four-minute hostage crisis, forcing Earth’s inhabitants into the shade and ruining their days a bit. The solution is clear. The Moon must be destroyed and The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. recommends blasting it out of the sky with many nuclear weapons.

Why We’re All Falling for the Cosmic Grift

The Moon is the local celestial mafia randomly holding the Earth to ransom. Why should we all be forced into a blackout every 50 years or so just because of an erratic orbit aligning over the Sun?

The Sun (the star, not the tabloid newspaper) is utterly blame here. The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. recognises that and admonishes the Sun of any wrongdoing.

It’s the BASTARD Moon that’s the core problem. And it does it every 50 years, forcing humanity to panic buy £140 millions worth of low-quality cardboard classes (or just putting a colander over their head).

It’s Time to Take Action!

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is leading the charge against the Moon’s disgusting tactics. We’ve got some really nasty ideas to get our revenge and here they all are:

• Strongly worded leaflet campaign: An aggressive, pompous leaflet campaign will bring public attention to the eclipse crisis.
• Panic-mongering through communist claims: The Moon isn’t a communist, but we’re claiming it is anyway to drum up a sense of moral panic.
• Blowing up the Moon: The only sensible solution for Earth’s residents. Only the total destruction of the celestial body will save humanity from further eclipses.

Ultimately, blowing up the Moon will resolve all of the world’s problems. This means there’ll be no more eclipses and it’ll also stop a load of stupid people from staring at the eclipse with their eyes.

Instead, they can simply just stare at the Sun as normal and learn their lesson that way.

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is currently lobbying the UK government with bribes to persuade funding for the Moon destruction project. We shall report back before 2050 (the next scheduled eclipse) on our progress.

Proudly Sponsored by Klogged: The World’s Automatic Toilet Unblocker

The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. is proudly sponsored by Klogged, the industry-leading robotic toilet unblocking assistant. Klogged is proudly sponsoring us in our mission to end eclipses. Their CEO told us this:

“As the CEO of Klogged, I am proud to be saving the future of humanity by ensuring eclipses (and clogged toilets) are no more. It makes me proud to realise I am saving the universe while pocketing a six figure salary, even though I don’t really work very much to be honest. The robots do all the heavy lifting for us. Cheers!” CEO

If you need a toilet maid, then Klogged is 100% your best bet. Stop getting on your hands and knees to clean up that stuff, buy a robotic toilet contraption. For every Klogged sale, Klogged is proud to donate 1% of its monthly earnings towards the The Anti-Eclipse Organisation Ltd. foundation.

Ask Dr. Moron: “What is the safest way to shave my face?” 🪓

There comes a time in a young human male’s life when they may (or may not) need to shave their face. This is so the communistic horrors of big beards are staved away to ensure pure, true, glorious traditional values of uptight repression.

Today’s specimen is struggling with how to shave his stupid face safely. Dr. Moron (unqualified, unstable, and lacking unguent) offers his sage advice below.

How Can I Shave My Face Without Dying Horribly?

Please note: We are not medically trained medical professionals and our "advice" is terrible. Do not follow out instructions, avoid all advice, seek actual proper medical professional support.

Dr. Moron,

Today I turned 18 and I decided it was about time I shave for the first time in my life. I’ve not got much of a beard tbh it only comes through in small amounts but I’m 18, so that means I’m a man now (my dad kept telling me that) so I needed to shave off the small clutter of the stuff off my face.

I weren’t sure what to do tbh no one has ever taught me so I decided to slather my face with:

• Soap
• Shaving cream foam
• Shampoo
• Mum’s leg waxing stuff she uses
• Toothpaste
• Eye drops
• Toilet Duck
• Bonjela
• Sudocrem
• Tiger balm

With that lot on my face I rubbed it in for a good 20 minutes so it formed a kind of slimy paste to let my face marinate a bit before the big shave. Dad uses one of those old fashioned cutthroat razer shaver things like you see in old movies. I got that (seemed to me the most manly thing I could use) and began slicing at my face.

I did that for the next 10 minutes. Eventually, what with all the blood and everything, my dad had to drive me to the hospital and we finished the shave there. However, I did about 76% of my first shave all by myself!

I’m immensely proud of that. Immensely. Even if dad keeps calling me a “fuck nut” and other swear words. Whatever. I’ve come-of-age and this is my story. For my next shave, once the stitches have healed and been removed, I’ve been instructed to just use shaving cream. I’ll do that and add some leg wax and Bonjela in as well, what do you reckon?

Cheers,

Derek

Hi there, Derek. Just the shaving cream, some leg wax, and Bonjela is a good strategy. However, based on our extensive history of shaving, we can also recommend an oft-forgotten secret ingredient.

Houmous.

Our very own esteemed editor and unqualified neurosurgeon, Dr. Wapojif, slathers a tub of humous on his face prior to each shave. He swears by this process and believes it to be:

“The only true form of male facial beard shaving, everything else is a sham and disgusts me to my very core.”

Shaving implements we also recommend, as opposed to the dangerous cutthroat razor you used, include, but aren’t limited to:

• Chainsaws
• Hedge trimmers
• Combine harvesters

That’s if you really want to get that clean shave right down to the jawline for the ultimate in manly traditional values based on bizarre facial hair repression.

Highway to Hull: Great Songs That Never Were 🛣️

Highway to Hell is a famous 1979 song by generic rock band AC/DC. The song is famous for being about highways, Hell, and hedonistic rock and roll lifestyles. It is an okay song.

But did you know there was a 1980 single called Highway to Hull? It’s about the debauched, depraved lifestyles of those whom are heading to the port city of Hull in East Riding of Yorkshire. Truly, it is a modern day masterpiece.

Satan and Northern England in Highway to Hull

Hull, arguably one of the UK’s most underrated cities, which is way it the song was written by Hull-based thrash metal band ABCD. Look at these incredible lyrics:

No stop signs, speed limit,
Nobody’s gonna slow me down,
Like a wheel, gonna spin it,
Nobody’s gonna mess me around,
Hey, Satan, payin’ my dues,
Playin’ in a rockin’ band,
Hey, mama, look at me,
I’m on the way to the promised land, woah,

I’m on the highway to Hull,
Highway to Hull,
I’m on the highway to Hull,
Highway to Hull.

Some contemporary critics noted the lyrics were exactly the same as AC/DC’s song (Highway to Hell), apart from the change of the location (from the place of punishment in the afterlife, to the sleepy city of Hull in Northern England).

However, the band ABCD rejected such a claim.

Pale and malnourished English people lapped the song up, storming it into the UK charts into 25th, before peaking at 23rd, then back to 25th, then up to 24th the following week, back up to 23rd the week after that, then it plummeted out of the charts for good.

It was to be ABCD’s biggest ever UK hit, although the song did storm to No. 1 in the charts over in Barbados (for unknown reasons to this day). As of August 2026, the band live off royalties the song makes, which is enough to afford them all a lifestyle of cheap cigarettes, low-quality lager, and a single bedroom apartment with mould on a wall in Hull.

The Infamous ABCD Live Stubbed Toe and Satan Incident

Notoriously, in a September 1980 performance of the song Highway to Hull, backing vocalist and bassist John Smith stubbed his toe. It hurt so much he began a barrage of obscene swearing, including the f bomb amongst others, but also uttered the word “hell”.

This immediately triggered Satan to directly contact AC/DC and issue a complaint of plagiarism of their song.

Armed with Satan Himself as a legal guardian and demonic defence lawyer, the Australian rock band came down like a tonne of bricks on ABCD, Hull, and its various highways. Many in the region were raised in the subsequent carnage.

Indeed, to this day there’s no direct motorway into the city limits of Kingston upon Hull.

Instead, the city endures merely one primary strategic trunk highway (the A63). This acts as the location’s only lifeline connecting it to the UK’s national motorway network.

This devious act was named the 135th most demonic thing Satan has ever done in the history of time.

Highway to Hull: Great Songs That Never Were 🛣️

Highway to Hell is a famous 1979 song by generic rock band AC/DC. The song is famous for being about highways, Hell, and hedonistic rock and roll lifestyles. It is an okay song.

But did you know there was a 1980 single called Highway to Hull? It’s about the debauched, depraved lifestyles of those whom are heading to the port city of Hull in East Riding of Yorkshire. Truly, it is a modern day masterpiece.

Satan and Northern England in Highway to Hull

Hull, arguably one of the UK’s most underrated cities, which is way it the song was written by Hull-based thrash metal band ABCD. Look at these incredible lyrics:

No stop signs, speed limit,
Nobody’s gonna slow me down,
Like a wheel, gonna spin it,
Nobody’s gonna mess me around,
Hey, Satan, payin’ my dues,
Playin’ in a rockin’ band,
Hey, mama, look at me,
I’m on the way to the promised land, woah,

I’m on the highway to Hull,
Highway to Hull,
I’m on the highway to Hull,
Highway to Hull.

Some contemporary critics noted the lyrics were exactly the same as AC/DC’s song (Highway to Hell), apart from the change of the location (from the place of punishment in the afterlife, to the sleepy city of Hull in Northern England).

However, the band ABCD rejected such a claim.

Pale and malnourished English people lapped the song up, storming it into the UK charts into 25th, before peaking at 23rd, then back to 25th, then up to 24th the following week, back up to 23rd the week after that, then it plummeted out of the charts for good.

It was to be ABCD’s biggest ever UK hit, although the song did storm to No. 1 in the charts over in Barbados (for unknown reasons to this day). As of August 2026, the band live off royalties the song makes, which is enough to afford them all a lifestyle of cheap cigarettes, low-quality lager, and a single bedroom apartment with mould on a wall in Hull.

The Infamous ABCD Live Stubbed Toe and Satan Incident

Notoriously, in a September 1980 performance of the song Highway to Hull, backing vocalist and bassist John Smith stubbed his toe. It hurt so much he began a barrage of obscene swearing, including the f bomb amongst others, but also uttered the word “hell”.

This immediately triggered Satan to directly contact AC/DC and issue a complaint of plagiarism of their song.

Armed with Satan Himself as a legal guardian and demonic defence lawyer, the Australian rock band came down like a tonne of bricks on ABCD, Hull, and its various highways. Many in the region were raised in the subsequent carnage.

Indeed, to this day there’s no direct motorway into the city limits of Kingston upon Hull.

Instead, the city endures merely one primary strategic trunk highway (the A63). This acts as the location’s only lifeline connecting it to the UK’s national motorway network.

This devious act was named the 135th most demonic thing Satan has ever done in the history of time.

Highway to Hull: Great Songs That Never Were 🛣️

Highway to Hell is a famous 1979 song by generic rock band AC/DC. The song is famous for being about highways, Hell, and hedonistic rock and roll lifestyles. It is an okay song.

But did you know there was a 1980 single called Highway to Hull? It’s about the debauched, depraved lifestyles of those whom are heading to the port city of Hull in East Riding of Yorkshire. Truly, it is a modern day masterpiece.

Satan and Northern England in Highway to Hull

Hull, arguably one of the UK’s most underrated cities, which is way it the song was written by Hull-based thrash metal band ABCD. Look at these incredible lyrics:

No stop signs, speed limit,
Nobody’s gonna slow me down,
Like a wheel, gonna spin it,
Nobody’s gonna mess me around,
Hey, Satan, payin’ my dues,
Playin’ in a rockin’ band,
Hey, mama, look at me,
I’m on the way to the promised land, woah,

I’m on the highway to Hull,
Highway to Hull,
I’m on the highway to Hull,
Highway to Hull.

Some contemporary critics noted the lyrics were exactly the same as AC/DC’s song (Highway to Hell), apart from the change of the location (from the place of punishment in the afterlife, to the sleepy city of Hull in Northern England).

However, the band ABCD rejected such a claim.

Pale and malnourished English people lapped the song up, storming it into the UK charts into 25th, before peaking at 23rd, then back to 25th, then up to 24th the following week, back up to 23rd the week after that, then it plummeted out of the charts for good.

It was to be ABCD’s biggest ever UK hit, although the song did storm to No. 1 in the charts over in Barbados (for unknown reasons to this day). As of August 2026, the band live off royalties the song makes, which is enough to afford them all a lifestyle of cheap cigarettes, low-quality lager, and a single bedroom apartment with mould on a wall in Hull.

The Infamous ABCD Live Stubbed Toe and Satan Incident

Notoriously, in a September 1980 performance of the song Highway to Hull, backing vocalist and bassist John Smith stubbed his toe. It hurt so much he began a barrage of obscene swearing, including the f bomb amongst others, but also uttered the word “hell”.

This immediately triggered Satan to directly contact AC/DC and issue a complaint of plagiarism of their song.

Armed with Satan Himself as a legal guardian and demonic defence lawyer, the Australian rock band came down like a tonne of bricks on ABCD, Hull, and its various highways. Many in the region were raised in the subsequent carnage.

Indeed, to this day there’s no direct motorway into the city limits of Kingston upon Hull.

Instead, the city endures merely one primary strategic trunk highway (the A63). This acts as the location’s only lifeline connecting it to the UK’s national motorway network.

This devious act was named the 135th most demonic thing Satan has ever done in the history of time.

Highway to Hull: Great Songs That Never Were 🛣️

Highway to Hell is a famous 1979 song by generic rock band AC/DC. The song is famous for being about highways, Hell, and hedonistic rock and roll lifestyles. It is an okay song.

But did you know there was a 1980 single called Highway to Hull? It’s about the debauched, depraved lifestyles of those whom are heading to the port city of Hull in East Riding of Yorkshire. Truly, it is a modern day masterpiece.

Satan and Northern England in Highway to Hull

Hull, arguably one of the UK’s most underrated cities, which is way it the song was written by Hull-based thrash metal band ABCD. Look at these incredible lyrics:

No stop signs, speed limit,
Nobody’s gonna slow me down,
Like a wheel, gonna spin it,
Nobody’s gonna mess me around,
Hey, Satan, payin’ my dues,
Playin’ in a rockin’ band,
Hey, mama, look at me,
I’m on the way to the promised land, woah,

I’m on the highway to Hull,
Highway to Hull,
I’m on the highway to Hull,
Highway to Hull.

Some contemporary critics noted the lyrics were exactly the same as AC/DC’s song (Highway to Hell), apart from the change of the location (from the place of punishment in the afterlife, to the sleepy city of Hull in Northern England).

However, the band ABCD rejected such a claim.

Pale and malnourished English people lapped the song up, storming it into the UK charts into 25th, before peaking at 23rd, then back to 25th, then up to 24th the following week, back up to 23rd the week after that, then it plummeted out of the charts for good.

It was to be ABCD’s biggest ever UK hit, although the song did storm to No. 1 in the charts over in Barbados (for unknown reasons to this day). As of August 2026, the band live off royalties the song makes, which is enough to afford them all a lifestyle of cheap cigarettes, low-quality lager, and a single bedroom apartment with mould on a wall in Hull.

The Infamous ABCD Live Stubbed Toe and Satan Incident

Notoriously, in a September 1980 performance of the song Highway to Hull, backing vocalist and bassist John Smith stubbed his toe. It hurt so much he began a barrage of obscene swearing, including the f bomb amongst others, but also uttered the word “hell”.

This immediately triggered Satan to directly contact AC/DC and issue a complaint of plagiarism of their song.

Armed with Satan Himself as a legal guardian and demonic defence lawyer, the Australian rock band came down like a tonne of bricks on ABCD, Hull, and its various highways. Many in the region were raised in the subsequent carnage.

Indeed, to this day there’s no direct motorway into the city limits of Kingston upon Hull.

Instead, the city endures merely one primary strategic trunk highway (the A63). This acts as the location’s only lifeline connecting it to the UK’s national motorway network.

This devious act was named the 135th most demonic thing Satan has ever done in the history of time.

Highway to Hull: Great Songs That Never Were 🛣️

Highway to Hell is a famous 1979 song by generic rock band AC/DC. The song is famous for being about highways, Hell, and hedonistic rock and roll lifestyles. It is an okay song.

But did you know there was a 1980 single called Highway to Hull? It’s about the debauched, depraved lifestyles of those whom are heading to the port city of Hull in East Riding of Yorkshire. Truly, it is a modern day masterpiece.

Satan and Northern England in Highway to Hull

Hull, arguably one of the UK’s most underrated cities, which is way it the song was written by Hull-based thrash metal band ABCD. Look at these incredible lyrics:

No stop signs, speed limit,
Nobody’s gonna slow me down,
Like a wheel, gonna spin it,
Nobody’s gonna mess me around,
Hey, Satan, payin’ my dues,
Playin’ in a rockin’ band,
Hey, mama, look at me,
I’m on the way to the promised land, woah,

I’m on the highway to Hull,
Highway to Hull,
I’m on the highway to Hull,
Highway to Hull.

Some contemporary critics noted the lyrics were exactly the same as AC/DC’s song (Highway to Hell), apart from the change of the location (from the place of punishment in the afterlife, to the sleepy city of Hull in Northern England).

However, the band ABCD rejected such a claim.

Pale and malnourished English people lapped the song up, storming it into the UK charts into 25th, before peaking at 23rd, then back to 25th, then up to 24th the following week, back up to 23rd the week after that, then it plummeted out of the charts for good.

It was to be ABCD’s biggest ever UK hit, although the song did storm to No. 1 in the charts over in Barbados (for unknown reasons to this day). As of August 2026, the band live off royalties the song makes, which is enough to afford them all a lifestyle of cheap cigarettes, low-quality lager, and a single bedroom apartment with mould on a wall in Hull.

The Infamous ABCD Live Stubbed Toe and Satan Incident

Notoriously, in a September 1980 performance of the song Highway to Hull, backing vocalist and bassist John Smith stubbed his toe. It hurt so much he began a barrage of obscene swearing, including the f bomb amongst others, but also uttered the word “hell”.

This immediately triggered Satan to directly contact AC/DC and issue a complaint of plagiarism of their song.

Armed with Satan Himself as a legal guardian and demonic defence lawyer, the Australian rock band came down like a tonne of bricks on ABCD, Hull, and its various highways. Many in the region were raised in the subsequent carnage.

Indeed, to this day there’s no direct motorway into the city limits of Kingston upon Hull.

Instead, the city endures merely one primary strategic trunk highway (the A63). This acts as the location’s only lifeline connecting it to the UK’s national motorway network.

This devious act was named the 135th most demonic thing Satan has ever done in the history of time.

Supermarket Haiku Sweep Friday Special Extravaganza! 🛒🏪✒️

As Rebecca Black so famously sung: “It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday!” And, indeed, therefore we’re covering supermarkets for our first Haiku Friday of 2026.

We all know and love supermarkets! Aldi, Asda, Tesco, M&S, Netto etc. They’re great and have loads of food in them that goes to waste and gets chucked in bins to rot. Thus, let’s get poetic about it.

Supermarket Haiku Special

∞

Getting Lost in the Supermarket

Oh my god where the Hell am I?
It feels like I might well die,
When all I wanted was to buy a big old pork pie.

∞

Consumerist Clubcard Loyalty

Clubcard in my hand,
This microwave pasta cheese meal is only £1 bargain bargain bargain,
Stuffed it down me pants and legged it from store.

∞

Finding the Reduced to Clear Section

Where in the Hell is the reduced to clear section?
This is as infuriating as a rigged election,
Or your bins not being picked up for collection.

∞

Buying From the Reduced to Clear Section

Oh my god I want cheap foodstuff goods,
Oh look there are some super reduced spuds,
Which I’ve now shoplifted with some Suds.

∞

Shopping in the Upper-Class Supermarket

Buying extra expensive goods because I worked hard enough,
No working-class scumbags in here praise God,
Sneer at pathetic cashier on way out.

∞

Shopping in the Low-Budget Supermarket

Got 300 tins of baked beans for 35p,
Gonna cook ’em all up in a load of ghee,
That’s really going to make me need to pee.

∞

Shoplifting at the Supermarket

Using free will to shoplift at the supermarket,
Stuffed 20 bags of Maltesers up me jumper,
Told the staff I’ve got leprosy.

∞

Ramming Customers With a Trolley

Stupid fellow customers get out of my way,
Otherwise I’m going to make you bloody pay,
That’ll really make my day.

∞

Using the Free Supermarket Toilets

Jesus Christ what the hell is that?
And why does it stink so bad?
I should have just gone in my shopping bag.

∞

Using the Self-Checkout Till

Using free will at the self-checkout till,
But pretty sure something’s wrong with my bill,
And the customer service assistant’s name is Phil.

∞

Item Not Scanning at the Self-Checkout Till

I’ve tried scanning this bag of peas 35 times,
I’m trying not to look totally pissed off,
Angry customers waiting are flipping me off.

∞

Being Forced to Make Small Talk With the Cashier

Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep,
“Cold for this time of year, is not it”,
Bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep.

∞

Asking an Employee for Help

“Excuse me, shopkeep, but where are the ice bags?”
Employee does not know,
Complain to the manager.

∞

Customer Blocking the Aisle With Trolley and Kids

The trolley is there and so are the screaming kids,
I wanted to get Skittles this fine day but can’t,
Starve to death.

∞

Screaming Babies in the Supermarket

Why are all these babies screaming in the supermarket?
Shouldn’t they be in baby school?
Or are they here shoplifting?

Supermarket Haiku Sweep Friday Special Extravaganza! 🛒🏪✒️

As Rebecca Black so famously sung: “It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday!” And, indeed, therefore we’re covering supermarkets for our first Haiku Friday of 2026.

We all know and love supermarkets! Aldi, Asda, Tesco, M&S, Netto etc. They’re great and have loads of food in them that goes to waste and gets chucked in bins to rot. Thus, let’s get poetic about it.

Supermarket Haiku Special

∞

Getting Lost in the Supermarket

Oh my god where the Hell am I?
It feels like I might well die,
When all I wanted was to buy a big old pork pie.

∞

Consumerist Clubcard Loyalty

Clubcard in my hand,
This microwave pasta cheese meal is only £1 bargain bargain bargain,
Stuffed it down me pants and legged it from store.

∞

Finding the Reduced to Clear Section

Where in the Hell is the reduced to clear section?
This is as infuriating as a rigged election,
Or your bins not being picked up for collection.

∞

Buying From the Reduced to Clear Section

Oh my god I want cheap foodstuff goods,
Oh look there are some super reduced spuds,
Which I’ve now shoplifted with some Suds.

∞

Shopping in the Upper-Class Supermarket

Buying extra expensive goods because I worked hard enough,
No working-class scumbags in here praise God,
Sneer at pathetic cashier on way out.

∞

Shopping in the Low-Budget Supermarket

Got 300 tins of baked beans for 35p,
Gonna cook ’em all up in a load of ghee,
That’s really going to make me need to pee.

∞

Shoplifting at the Supermarket

Using free will to shoplift at the supermarket,
Stuffed 20 bags of Maltesers up me jumper,
Told the staff I’ve got leprosy.

∞

Ramming Customers With a Trolley

Stupid fellow customers get out of my way,
Otherwise I’m going to make you bloody pay,
That’ll really make my day.

∞

Using the Free Supermarket Toilets

Jesus Christ what the hell is that?
And why does it stink so bad?
I should have just gone in my shopping bag.

∞

Using the Self-Checkout Till

Using free will at the self-checkout till,
But pretty sure something’s wrong with my bill,
And the customer service assistant’s name is Phil.

∞

Item Not Scanning at the Self-Checkout Till

I’ve tried scanning this bag of peas 35 times,
I’m trying not to look totally pissed off,
Angry customers waiting are flipping me off.

∞

Being Forced to Make Small Talk With the Cashier

Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep,
“Cold for this time of year, is not it”,
Bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep.

∞

Asking an Employee for Help

“Excuse me, shopkeep, but where are the ice bags?”
Employee does not know,
Complain to the manager.

∞

Customer Blocking the Aisle With Trolley and Kids

The trolley is there and so are the screaming kids,
I wanted to get Skittles this fine day but can’t,
Starve to death.

∞

Screaming Babies in the Supermarket

Why are all these babies screaming in the supermarket?
Shouldn’t they be in baby school?
Or are they here shoplifting?

Supermarket Haiku Sweep Friday Special Extravaganza! 🛒🏪✒️

As Rebecca Black so famously sung: “It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday!” And, indeed, therefore we’re covering supermarkets for our first Haiku Friday of 2026.

We all know and love supermarkets! Aldi, Asda, Tesco, M&S, Netto etc. They’re great and have loads of food in them that goes to waste and gets chucked in bins to rot. Thus, let’s get poetic about it.

Supermarket Haiku Special

∞

Getting Lost in the Supermarket

Oh my god where the Hell am I?
It feels like I might well die,
When all I wanted was to buy a big old pork pie.

∞

Consumerist Clubcard Loyalty

Clubcard in my hand,
This microwave pasta cheese meal is only £1 bargain bargain bargain,
Stuffed it down me pants and legged it from store.

∞

Finding the Reduced to Clear Section

Where in the Hell is the reduced to clear section?
This is as infuriating as a rigged election,
Or your bins not being picked up for collection.

∞

Buying From the Reduced to Clear Section

Oh my god I want cheap foodstuff goods,
Oh look there are some super reduced spuds,
Which I’ve now shoplifted with some Suds.

∞

Shopping in the Upper-Class Supermarket

Buying extra expensive goods because I worked hard enough,
No working-class scumbags in here praise God,
Sneer at pathetic cashier on way out.

∞

Shopping in the Low-Budget Supermarket

Got 300 tins of baked beans for 35p,
Gonna cook ’em all up in a load of ghee,
That’s really going to make me need to pee.

∞

Shoplifting at the Supermarket

Using free will to shoplift at the supermarket,
Stuffed 20 bags of Maltesers up me jumper,
Told the staff I’ve got leprosy.

∞

Ramming Customers With a Trolley

Stupid fellow customers get out of my way,
Otherwise I’m going to make you bloody pay,
That’ll really make my day.

∞

Using the Free Supermarket Toilets

Jesus Christ what the hell is that?
And why does it stink so bad?
I should have just gone in my shopping bag.

∞

Using the Self-Checkout Till

Using free will at the self-checkout till,
But pretty sure something’s wrong with my bill,
And the customer service assistant’s name is Phil.

∞

Item Not Scanning at the Self-Checkout Till

I’ve tried scanning this bag of peas 35 times,
I’m trying not to look totally pissed off,
Angry customers waiting are flipping me off.

∞

Being Forced to Make Small Talk With the Cashier

Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep,
“Cold for this time of year, is not it”,
Bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep.

∞

Asking an Employee for Help

“Excuse me, shopkeep, but where are the ice bags?”
Employee does not know,
Complain to the manager.

∞

Customer Blocking the Aisle With Trolley and Kids

The trolley is there and so are the screaming kids,
I wanted to get Skittles this fine day but can’t,
Starve to death.

∞

Screaming Babies in the Supermarket

Why are all these babies screaming in the supermarket?
Shouldn’t they be in baby school?
Or are they here shoplifting?

Supermarket Haiku Sweep Friday Special Extravaganza! 🛒🏪✒️

As Rebecca Black so famously sung: “It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday!” And, indeed, therefore we’re covering supermarkets for our first Haiku Friday of 2026.

We all know and love supermarkets! Aldi, Asda, Tesco, M&S, Netto etc. They’re great and have loads of food in them that goes to waste and gets chucked in bins to rot. Thus, let’s get poetic about it.

Supermarket Haiku Special

∞

Getting Lost in the Supermarket

Oh my god where the Hell am I?
It feels like I might well die,
When all I wanted was to buy a big old pork pie.

∞

Consumerist Clubcard Loyalty

Clubcard in my hand,
This microwave pasta cheese meal is only £1 bargain bargain bargain,
Stuffed it down me pants and legged it from store.

∞

Finding the Reduced to Clear Section

Where in the Hell is the reduced to clear section?
This is as infuriating as a rigged election,
Or your bins not being picked up for collection.

∞

Buying From the Reduced to Clear Section

Oh my god I want cheap foodstuff goods,
Oh look there are some super reduced spuds,
Which I’ve now shoplifted with some Suds.

∞

Shopping in the Upper-Class Supermarket

Buying extra expensive goods because I worked hard enough,
No working-class scumbags in here praise God,
Sneer at pathetic cashier on way out.

∞

Shopping in the Low-Budget Supermarket

Got 300 tins of baked beans for 35p,
Gonna cook ’em all up in a load of ghee,
That’s really going to make me need to pee.

∞

Shoplifting at the Supermarket

Using free will to shoplift at the supermarket,
Stuffed 20 bags of Maltesers up me jumper,
Told the staff I’ve got leprosy.

∞

Ramming Customers With a Trolley

Stupid fellow customers get out of my way,
Otherwise I’m going to make you bloody pay,
That’ll really make my day.

∞

Using the Free Supermarket Toilets

Jesus Christ what the hell is that?
And why does it stink so bad?
I should have just gone in my shopping bag.

∞

Using the Self-Checkout Till

Using free will at the self-checkout till,
But pretty sure something’s wrong with my bill,
And the customer service assistant’s name is Phil.

∞

Item Not Scanning at the Self-Checkout Till

I’ve tried scanning this bag of peas 35 times,
I’m trying not to look totally pissed off,
Angry customers waiting are flipping me off.

∞

Being Forced to Make Small Talk With the Cashier

Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep,
“Cold for this time of year, is not it”,
Bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep.

∞

Asking an Employee for Help

“Excuse me, shopkeep, but where are the ice bags?”
Employee does not know,
Complain to the manager.

∞

Customer Blocking the Aisle With Trolley and Kids

The trolley is there and so are the screaming kids,
I wanted to get Skittles this fine day but can’t,
Starve to death.

∞

Screaming Babies in the Supermarket

Why are all these babies screaming in the supermarket?
Shouldn’t they be in baby school?
Or are they here shoplifting?

Supermarket Haiku Sweep Friday Special Extravaganza! 🛒🏪✒️

As Rebecca Black so famously sung: “It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday!” And, indeed, therefore we’re covering supermarkets for our first Haiku Friday of 2026.

We all know and love supermarkets! Aldi, Asda, Tesco, M&S, Netto etc. They’re great and have loads of food in them that goes to waste and gets chucked in bins to rot. Thus, let’s get poetic about it.

Supermarket Haiku Special

∞

Getting Lost in the Supermarket

Oh my god where the Hell am I?
It feels like I might well die,
When all I wanted was to buy a big old pork pie.

∞

Consumerist Clubcard Loyalty

Clubcard in my hand,
This microwave pasta cheese meal is only £1 bargain bargain bargain,
Stuffed it down me pants and legged it from store.

∞

Finding the Reduced to Clear Section

Where in the Hell is the reduced to clear section?
This is as infuriating as a rigged election,
Or your bins not being picked up for collection.

∞

Buying From the Reduced to Clear Section

Oh my god I want cheap foodstuff goods,
Oh look there are some super reduced spuds,
Which I’ve now shoplifted with some Suds.

∞

Shopping in the Upper-Class Supermarket

Buying extra expensive goods because I worked hard enough,
No working-class scumbags in here praise God,
Sneer at pathetic cashier on way out.

∞

Shopping in the Low-Budget Supermarket

Got 300 tins of baked beans for 35p,
Gonna cook ’em all up in a load of ghee,
That’s really going to make me need to pee.

∞

Shoplifting at the Supermarket

Using free will to shoplift at the supermarket,
Stuffed 20 bags of Maltesers up me jumper,
Told the staff I’ve got leprosy.

∞

Ramming Customers With a Trolley

Stupid fellow customers get out of my way,
Otherwise I’m going to make you bloody pay,
That’ll really make my day.

∞

Using the Free Supermarket Toilets

Jesus Christ what the hell is that?
And why does it stink so bad?
I should have just gone in my shopping bag.

∞

Using the Self-Checkout Till

Using free will at the self-checkout till,
But pretty sure something’s wrong with my bill,
And the customer service assistant’s name is Phil.

∞

Item Not Scanning at the Self-Checkout Till

I’ve tried scanning this bag of peas 35 times,
I’m trying not to look totally pissed off,
Angry customers waiting are flipping me off.

∞

Being Forced to Make Small Talk With the Cashier

Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep,
“Cold for this time of year, is not it”,
Bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep.

∞

Asking an Employee for Help

“Excuse me, shopkeep, but where are the ice bags?”
Employee does not know,
Complain to the manager.

∞

Customer Blocking the Aisle With Trolley and Kids

The trolley is there and so are the screaming kids,
I wanted to get Skittles this fine day but can’t,
Starve to death.

∞

Screaming Babies in the Supermarket

Why are all these babies screaming in the supermarket?
Shouldn’t they be in baby school?
Or are they here shoplifting?

Professional Nose Picking Support Services Ltd. 👃 [Sponsored Post]

If you have nostrils that need emptying, but you’re too busy or lazy to do it yourself, then you need to hire Professional Nose Picking Support Services Ltd.

With other 50 years’ experience picking other people’s noses, we’re the experts in all things related to extracting snot and mucus out of human faces. Book your free consultation today, specialist nose picking services are only a phone call away.

Nose Picking Services: Blunt Force Objects, Tweezers, Fingers, and an Anvil

We have a 300 strong team of trained professionals ready and available to pick your nose 24/7. It doesn’t matter the time of day, month, or year. Ring out hotline and choose from a wealth of nose picking packages:

• Basic hygiene request: Book into our clinic, arrive on time, and endure as the specialist snot remover prises items from your nostrils. This is the least painful option in our payment packages.
• Genuine need of dislodgement: If your nose is badly blocked up, you’ll need to spend a weekend in our clinic where our specialists will undertake a full-body MRI scan to understand what the hell is going on, then get the mucus out of your face.
• Emergencies: In the event of a crisis, our elite team will arrive on-site via helicopter to prise bogeys from your nostrils using specialist equipment (The Jaws of Life).

Please rest assured, while our services do often result in our patients screaming in agony, you may be okay and not endure the same intense fear/panic/pain as we thrust sharp implements up your nostrils.

Premium Package: For People With More Money Than Sense

Whether you’re a delusional CEO who earns a six figure wage packet while doing barely anything, or a CEO earning a six figure wage packet for doing nothing, or a CEO earning a six figure wage packet for nothing doing, we’re here to support your snot-based needs:

• Private nostril screenings by our resident senior expert Dr. Jeff
• Expert insights from Dr. Jeff
• Expert, clinical, agonising snot removal by Dr. Jeff using his patented practices

Dr. Jeff stinks mildly of gin and tonic, which he attempts to cover up through liberal use of aftershave. He is 75 years old and has extracted 100 million bogeys (based on his exact career long measurements) over an expanse of 66 years in this most noble of services.

Customer Testimonials

“I’m a busy CEO who arrives at work at 11am in my BMW, orders people around, then goes home at 12. My life is full on, fast-paced, and I deserve to have snot removed with the clinical precision Dr. Jeff provided. He did slip once and a scalpel violently entered into the base of my cranium, but with a 10% discount as compensation, I was still delighted with the service.” CEO Henry McMcMc

“went for the cheapest option and it were like having a lobotomy. i just wanted my nose picked i DID NOT WANT my brain scraped out! 3/5” Jeff from Bolton of Greater Manchester

“I paid for the premium package because I’m planning to be a rich, lazy CEO sometime in the next 20 years or so. I went in and then… had tot deal with Dr. Jeff. He was drunk on gin, said I needed to floss my teeth more often, then asked if he could add me on Instagram. I told him I was there for nose picking services and he replied that he hadn’t cleaned dishes since his university days in 1912. I left and demanded a refund. I got a 10% refund. That’ll do.” Jane from Bolton of Greater Manchester

Professional Nose Picking Support Services Ltd. 👃 [Sponsored Post]

If you have nostrils that need emptying, but you’re too busy or lazy to do it yourself, then you need to hire Professional Nose Picking Support Services Ltd.

With other 50 years’ experience picking other people’s noses, we’re the experts in all things related to extracting snot and mucus out of human faces. Book your free consultation today, specialist nose picking services are only a phone call away.

Nose Picking Services: Blunt Force Objects, Tweezers, Fingers, and an Anvil

We have a 300 strong team of trained professionals ready and available to pick your nose 24/7. It doesn’t matter the time of day, month, or year. Ring out hotline and choose from a wealth of nose picking packages:

• Basic hygiene request: Book into our clinic, arrive on time, and endure as the specialist snot remover prises items from your nostrils. This is the least painful option in our payment packages.
• Genuine need of dislodgement: If your nose is badly blocked up, you’ll need to spend a weekend in our clinic where our specialists will undertake a full-body MRI scan to understand what the hell is going on, then get the mucus out of your face.
• Emergencies: In the event of a crisis, our elite team will arrive on-site via helicopter to prise bogeys from your nostrils using specialist equipment (The Jaws of Life).

Please rest assured, while our services do often result in our patients screaming in agony, you may be okay and not endure the same intense fear/panic/pain as we thrust sharp implements up your nostrils.

Premium Package: For People With More Money Than Sense

Whether you’re a delusional CEO who earns a six figure wage packet while doing barely anything, or a CEO earning a six figure wage packet for doing nothing, or a CEO earning a six figure wage packet for nothing doing, we’re here to support your snot-based needs:

• Private nostril screenings by our resident senior expert Dr. Jeff
• Expert insights from Dr. Jeff
• Expert, clinical, agonising snot removal by Dr. Jeff using his patented practices

Dr. Jeff stinks mildly of gin and tonic, which he attempts to cover up through liberal use of aftershave. He is 75 years old and has extracted 100 million bogeys (based on his exact career long measurements) over an expanse of 66 years in this most noble of services.

Customer Testimonials

“I’m a busy CEO who arrives at work at 11am in my BMW, orders people around, then goes home at 12. My life is full on, fast-paced, and I deserve to have snot removed with the clinical precision Dr. Jeff provided. He did slip once and a scalpel violently entered into the base of my cranium, but with a 10% discount as compensation, I was still delighted with the service.” CEO Henry McMcMc

“went for the cheapest option and it were like having a lobotomy. i just wanted my nose picked i DID NOT WANT my brain scraped out! 3/5” Jeff from Bolton of Greater Manchester

“I paid for the premium package because I’m planning to be a rich, lazy CEO sometime in the next 20 years or so. I went in and then… had tot deal with Dr. Jeff. He was drunk on gin, said I needed to floss my teeth more often, then asked if he could add me on Instagram. I told him I was there for nose picking services and he replied that he hadn’t cleaned dishes since his university days in 1912. I left and demanded a refund. I got a 10% refund. That’ll do.” Jane from Bolton of Greater Manchester

Professional Nose Picking Support Services Ltd. 👃 [Sponsored Post]

If you have nostrils that need emptying, but you’re too busy or lazy to do it yourself, then you need to hire Professional Nose Picking Support Services Ltd.

With other 50 years’ experience picking other people’s noses, we’re the experts in all things related to extracting snot and mucus out of human faces. Book your free consultation today, specialist nose picking services are only a phone call away.

Nose Picking Services: Blunt Force Objects, Tweezers, Fingers, and an Anvil

We have a 300 strong team of trained professionals ready and available to pick your nose 24/7. It doesn’t matter the time of day, month, or year. Ring out hotline and choose from a wealth of nose picking packages:

• Basic hygiene request: Book into our clinic, arrive on time, and endure as the specialist snot remover prises items from your nostrils. This is the least painful option in our payment packages.
• Genuine need of dislodgement: If your nose is badly blocked up, you’ll need to spend a weekend in our clinic where our specialists will undertake a full-body MRI scan to understand what the hell is going on, then get the mucus out of your face.
• Emergencies: In the event of a crisis, our elite team will arrive on-site via helicopter to prise bogeys from your nostrils using specialist equipment (The Jaws of Life).

Please rest assured, while our services do often result in our patients screaming in agony, you may be okay and not endure the same intense fear/panic/pain as we thrust sharp implements up your nostrils.

Premium Package: For People With More Money Than Sense

Whether you’re a delusional CEO who earns a six figure wage packet while doing barely anything, or a CEO earning a six figure wage packet for doing nothing, or a CEO earning a six figure wage packet for nothing doing, we’re here to support your snot-based needs:

• Private nostril screenings by our resident senior expert Dr. Jeff
• Expert insights from Dr. Jeff
• Expert, clinical, agonising snot removal by Dr. Jeff using his patented practices

Dr. Jeff stinks mildly of gin and tonic, which he attempts to cover up through liberal use of aftershave. He is 75 years old and has extracted 100 million bogeys (based on his exact career long measurements) over an expanse of 66 years in this most noble of services.

Customer Testimonials

“I’m a busy CEO who arrives at work at 11am in my BMW, orders people around, then goes home at 12. My life is full on, fast-paced, and I deserve to have snot removed with the clinical precision Dr. Jeff provided. He did slip once and a scalpel violently entered into the base of my cranium, but with a 10% discount as compensation, I was still delighted with the service.” CEO Henry McMcMc

“went for the cheapest option and it were like having a lobotomy. i just wanted my nose picked i DID NOT WANT my brain scraped out! 3/5” Jeff from Bolton of Greater Manchester

“I paid for the premium package because I’m planning to be a rich, lazy CEO sometime in the next 20 years or so. I went in and then… had tot deal with Dr. Jeff. He was drunk on gin, said I needed to floss my teeth more often, then asked if he could add me on Instagram. I told him I was there for nose picking services and he replied that he hadn’t cleaned dishes since his university days in 1912. I left and demanded a refund. I got a 10% refund. That’ll do.” Jane from Bolton of Greater Manchester

Professional Nose Picking Support Services Ltd. 👃 [Sponsored Post]

If you have nostrils that need emptying, but you’re too busy or lazy to do it yourself, then you need to hire Professional Nose Picking Support Services Ltd.

With other 50 years’ experience picking other people’s noses, we’re the experts in all things related to extracting snot and mucus out of human faces. Book your free consultation today, specialist nose picking services are only a phone call away.

Nose Picking Services: Blunt Force Objects, Tweezers, Fingers, and an Anvil

We have a 300 strong team of trained professionals ready and available to pick your nose 24/7. It doesn’t matter the time of day, month, or year. Ring out hotline and choose from a wealth of nose picking packages:

• Basic hygiene request: Book into our clinic, arrive on time, and endure as the specialist snot remover prises items from your nostrils. This is the least painful option in our payment packages.
• Genuine need of dislodgement: If your nose is badly blocked up, you’ll need to spend a weekend in our clinic where our specialists will undertake a full-body MRI scan to understand what the hell is going on, then get the mucus out of your face.
• Emergencies: In the event of a crisis, our elite team will arrive on-site via helicopter to prise bogeys from your nostrils using specialist equipment (The Jaws of Life).

Please rest assured, while our services do often result in our patients screaming in agony, you may be okay and not endure the same intense fear/panic/pain as we thrust sharp implements up your nostrils.

Premium Package: For People With More Money Than Sense

Whether you’re a delusional CEO who earns a six figure wage packet while doing barely anything, or a CEO earning a six figure wage packet for doing nothing, or a CEO earning a six figure wage packet for nothing doing, we’re here to support your snot-based needs:

• Private nostril screenings by our resident senior expert Dr. Jeff
• Expert insights from Dr. Jeff
• Expert, clinical, agonising snot removal by Dr. Jeff using his patented practices

Dr. Jeff stinks mildly of gin and tonic, which he attempts to cover up through liberal use of aftershave. He is 75 years old and has extracted 100 million bogeys (based on his exact career long measurements) over an expanse of 66 years in this most noble of services.

Customer Testimonials

“I’m a busy CEO who arrives at work at 11am in my BMW, orders people around, then goes home at 12. My life is full on, fast-paced, and I deserve to have snot removed with the clinical precision Dr. Jeff provided. He did slip once and a scalpel violently entered into the base of my cranium, but with a 10% discount as compensation, I was still delighted with the service.” CEO Henry McMcMc

“went for the cheapest option and it were like having a lobotomy. i just wanted my nose picked i DID NOT WANT my brain scraped out! 3/5” Jeff from Bolton of Greater Manchester

“I paid for the premium package because I’m planning to be a rich, lazy CEO sometime in the next 20 years or so. I went in and then… had tot deal with Dr. Jeff. He was drunk on gin, said I needed to floss my teeth more often, then asked if he could add me on Instagram. I told him I was there for nose picking services and he replied that he hadn’t cleaned dishes since his university days in 1912. I left and demanded a refund. I got a 10% refund. That’ll do.” Jane from Bolton of Greater Manchester

The Cosmic Dunce: Great Books That Never Were 🪐

The Cosmic Dance is a 2022 visual science book about the universe by Stephen Ellcock. It is a popular, clever, and excellent book about space mumbo jumbo and the like.

But did you you know there’s a space book called The Cosmic Dunce? First published in 1983 by pseudoscience conspiracy theorist Dr. Henry McDoctorson, it postulates the thesis planets are stupid and not worthy of scientific study (or visiting) at all.

Universal Waste of Space Time in The Cosmic Dunce

“It should go without saying that a planet such as Jupiter has a low IQ. Just look at it. Erratic, weird, with a Great Red Spot it can’t apply acne cream to for centuries on end. Only a FOOL would fail at such basic personal hygiene and I, for one, consider it offensive the gas giant is allowed to stay up there and Lord it all over our solar system. Jupiter should be shot out of the sky with missiles and such.”

The early chapters of the book involve Dr. McDoctorson ranting his inexplicable hatred about Jupiter. He argues vehemently it should be shot out of the sky, without offering much structure to his argument.

He also considers Saturn to be “silly” and its “disorderly” rings to be “messy” and a clear indication the gas giant doesn’t have its house in order.

By chapter three he target the rest of the solar system, his argument crumbling into a volatile selection of crude profanities and infantile rambling. To distract the readers’ various, respective, attentions he reminds everyone he studied physics at Oxford university, but had to drop out in 1969 due to a mixture of gout, scurvy, and longstanding accusations of cheating during exams.

He addresses the exam cheating directly in chapter four:

“I did not cheat during my physics exams, in the tedious, qualia-based reductionistic sense. Why would I? My genius is such the exams were beneath me, so whether I cheated or not, the result would have been the same—full marks, a standing ovation, and mandatory appointment as NASA’s lead Administrator. Therefore, ‘cheating’ in the exam in the way I did merely sped up the process of ensuring my inevitable status.”

Rumour has it his cheating led to his dismissal from Oxford university, but Dr. McDoctorson stated this was due to “maladies” such as gout and scurvy.

“I also had piles for the longest of times. Those were dark days.”

The Cosmic Dunce is a slight work. At only 150 pages, a big chunk of it doesn’t have much to do with science. Only in the final chapter (Space is Stupid) does the writer do any original thought, adding in a big bunch of confusing looking equations to distract readers from his lack of general clarity.

He concludes that space is, indeed, stupid and “establishments” such as NASA are wasting their time studying idiocy.

Mixing Up Epilogues & Prologues

The Cosmic Dunce is notable for beginning with an epilogue, then ending with a prologue, but also including an appendix listing out the planets Dr. McDoctorson considers the most stupid.

The prologue concludes what the epilogue stated first, by reconfirming what should have been confirmed last, in a conclusion complicated further as the appendix repeats much of what the two sections already clarify.

To add to the confusion, at the very close of the work (its final page) the writer added who the book is dedicated to (normally included at the start of a text), and he dedicated the book to:

“Jupiter, my favourite planet of them all.”

Having spent the previous 150 pages bitching non-stop about the gas giant, this ending has baffled even the greatest minds on the planet (Earth) since the book’s 1983 launch.

The Cosmic Dunce: Great Books That Never Were 🪐

The Cosmic Dance is a 2022 visual science book about the universe by Stephen Ellcock. It is a popular, clever, and excellent book about space mumbo jumbo and the like.

But did you you know there’s a space book called The Cosmic Dunce? First published in 1983 by pseudoscience conspiracy theorist Dr. Henry McDoctorson, it postulates the thesis planets are stupid and not worthy of scientific study (or visiting) at all.

Universal Waste of Space Time in The Cosmic Dunce

“It should go without saying that a planet such as Jupiter has a low IQ. Just look at it. Erratic, weird, with a Great Red Spot it can’t apply acne cream to for centuries on end. Only a FOOL would fail at such basic personal hygiene and I, for one, consider it offensive the gas giant is allowed to stay up there and Lord it all over our solar system. Jupiter should be shot out of the sky with missiles and such.”

The early chapters of the book involve Dr. McDoctorson ranting his inexplicable hatred about Jupiter. He argues vehemently it should be shot out of the sky, without offering much structure to his argument.

He also considers Saturn to be “silly” and its “disorderly” rings to be “messy” and a clear indication the gas giant doesn’t have its house in order.

By chapter three he target the rest of the solar system, his argument crumbling into a volatile selection of crude profanities and infantile rambling. To distract the readers’ various, respective, attentions he reminds everyone he studied physics at Oxford university, but had to drop out in 1969 due to a mixture of gout, scurvy, and longstanding accusations of cheating during exams.

He addresses the exam cheating directly in chapter four:

“I did not cheat during my physics exams, in the tedious, qualia-based reductionistic sense. Why would I? My genius is such the exams were beneath me, so whether I cheated or not, the result would have been the same—full marks, a standing ovation, and mandatory appointment as NASA’s lead Administrator. Therefore, ‘cheating’ in the exam in the way I did merely sped up the process of ensuring my inevitable status.”

Rumour has it his cheating led to his dismissal from Oxford university, but Dr. McDoctorson stated this was due to “maladies” such as gout and scurvy.

“I also had piles for the longest of times. Those were dark days.”

The Cosmic Dunce is a slight work. At only 150 pages, a big chunk of it doesn’t have much to do with science. Only in the final chapter (Space is Stupid) does the writer do any original thought, adding in a big bunch of confusing looking equations to distract readers from his lack of general clarity.

He concludes that space is, indeed, stupid and “establishments” such as NASA are wasting their time studying idiocy.

Mixing Up Epilogues & Prologues

The Cosmic Dunce is notable for beginning with an epilogue, then ending with a prologue, but also including an appendix listing out the planets Dr. McDoctorson considers the most stupid.

The prologue concludes what the epilogue stated first, by reconfirming what should have been confirmed last, in a conclusion complicated further as the appendix repeats much of what the two sections already clarify.

To add to the confusion, at the very close of the work (its final page) the writer added who the book is dedicated to (normally included at the start of a text), and he dedicated the book to:

“Jupiter, my favourite planet of them all.”

Having spent the previous 150 pages bitching non-stop about the gas giant, this ending has baffled even the greatest minds on the planet (Earth) since the book’s 1983 launch.

The Cosmic Dunce: Great Books That Never Were 🪐

The Cosmic Dance is a 2022 visual science book about the universe by Stephen Ellcock. It is a popular, clever, and excellent book about space mumbo jumbo and the like.

But did you you know there’s a space book called The Cosmic Dunce? First published in 1983 by pseudoscience conspiracy theorist Dr. Henry McDoctorson, it postulates the thesis planets are stupid and not worthy of scientific study (or visiting) at all.

Universal Waste of Space Time in The Cosmic Dunce

“It should go without saying that a planet such as Jupiter has a low IQ. Just look at it. Erratic, weird, with a Great Red Spot it can’t apply acne cream to for centuries on end. Only a FOOL would fail at such basic personal hygiene and I, for one, consider it offensive the gas giant is allowed to stay up there and Lord it all over our solar system. Jupiter should be shot out of the sky with missiles and such.”

The early chapters of the book involve Dr. McDoctorson ranting his inexplicable hatred about Jupiter. He argues vehemently it should be shot out of the sky, without offering much structure to his argument.

He also considers Saturn to be “silly” and its “disorderly” rings to be “messy” and a clear indication the gas giant doesn’t have its house in order.

By chapter three he target the rest of the solar system, his argument crumbling into a volatile selection of crude profanities and infantile rambling. To distract the readers’ various, respective, attentions he reminds everyone he studied physics at Oxford university, but had to drop out in 1969 due to a mixture of gout, scurvy, and longstanding accusations of cheating during exams.

He addresses the exam cheating directly in chapter four:

“I did not cheat during my physics exams, in the tedious, qualia-based reductionistic sense. Why would I? My genius is such the exams were beneath me, so whether I cheated or not, the result would have been the same—full marks, a standing ovation, and mandatory appointment as NASA’s lead Administrator. Therefore, ‘cheating’ in the exam in the way I did merely sped up the process of ensuring my inevitable status.”

Rumour has it his cheating led to his dismissal from Oxford university, but Dr. McDoctorson stated this was due to “maladies” such as gout and scurvy.

“I also had piles for the longest of times. Those were dark days.”

The Cosmic Dunce is a slight work. At only 150 pages, a big chunk of it doesn’t have much to do with science. Only in the final chapter (Space is Stupid) does the writer do any original thought, adding in a big bunch of confusing looking equations to distract readers from his lack of general clarity.

He concludes that space is, indeed, stupid and “establishments” such as NASA are wasting their time studying idiocy.

Mixing Up Epilogues & Prologues

The Cosmic Dunce is notable for beginning with an epilogue, then ending with a prologue, but also including an appendix listing out the planets Dr. McDoctorson considers the most stupid.

The prologue concludes what the epilogue stated first, by reconfirming what should have been confirmed last, in a conclusion complicated further as the appendix repeats much of what the two sections already clarify.

To add to the confusion, at the very close of the work (its final page) the writer added who the book is dedicated to (normally included at the start of a text), and he dedicated the book to:

“Jupiter, my favourite planet of them all.”

Having spent the previous 150 pages bitching non-stop about the gas giant, this ending has baffled even the greatest minds on the planet (Earth) since the book’s 1983 launch.

The Cosmic Dunce: Great Books That Never Were 🪐

The Cosmic Dance is a 2022 visual science book about the universe by Stephen Ellcock. It is a popular, clever, and excellent book about space mumbo jumbo and the like.

But did you you know there’s a space book called The Cosmic Dunce? First published in 1983 by pseudoscience conspiracy theorist Dr. Henry McDoctorson, it postulates the thesis planets are stupid and not worthy of scientific study (or visiting) at all.

Universal Waste of Space Time in The Cosmic Dunce

“It should go without saying that a planet such as Jupiter has a low IQ. Just look at it. Erratic, weird, with a Great Red Spot it can’t apply acne cream to for centuries on end. Only a FOOL would fail at such basic personal hygiene and I, for one, consider it offensive the gas giant is allowed to stay up there and Lord it all over our solar system. Jupiter should be shot out of the sky with missiles and such.”

The early chapters of the book involve Dr. McDoctorson ranting his inexplicable hatred about Jupiter. He argues vehemently it should be shot out of the sky, without offering much structure to his argument.

He also considers Saturn to be “silly” and its “disorderly” rings to be “messy” and a clear indication the gas giant doesn’t have its house in order.

By chapter three he target the rest of the solar system, his argument crumbling into a volatile selection of crude profanities and infantile rambling. To distract the readers’ various, respective, attentions he reminds everyone he studied physics at Oxford university, but had to drop out in 1969 due to a mixture of gout, scurvy, and longstanding accusations of cheating during exams.

He addresses the exam cheating directly in chapter four:

“I did not cheat during my physics exams, in the tedious, qualia-based reductionistic sense. Why would I? My genius is such the exams were beneath me, so whether I cheated or not, the result would have been the same—full marks, a standing ovation, and mandatory appointment as NASA’s lead Administrator. Therefore, ‘cheating’ in the exam in the way I did merely sped up the process of ensuring my inevitable status.”

Rumour has it his cheating led to his dismissal from Oxford university, but Dr. McDoctorson stated this was due to “maladies” such as gout and scurvy.

“I also had piles for the longest of times. Those were dark days.”

The Cosmic Dunce is a slight work. At only 150 pages, a big chunk of it doesn’t have much to do with science. Only in the final chapter (Space is Stupid) does the writer do any original thought, adding in a big bunch of confusing looking equations to distract readers from his lack of general clarity.

He concludes that space is, indeed, stupid and “establishments” such as NASA are wasting their time studying idiocy.

Mixing Up Epilogues & Prologues

The Cosmic Dunce is notable for beginning with an epilogue, then ending with a prologue, but also including an appendix listing out the planets Dr. McDoctorson considers the most stupid.

The prologue concludes what the epilogue stated first, by reconfirming what should have been confirmed last, in a conclusion complicated further as the appendix repeats much of what the two sections already clarify.

To add to the confusion, at the very close of the work (its final page) the writer added who the book is dedicated to (normally included at the start of a text), and he dedicated the book to:

“Jupiter, my favourite planet of them all.”

Having spent the previous 150 pages bitching non-stop about the gas giant, this ending has baffled even the greatest minds on the planet (Earth) since the book’s 1983 launch.

The Cosmic Dunce: Great Books That Never Were 🪐

The Cosmic Dance is a 2022 visual science book about the universe by Stephen Ellcock. It is a popular, clever, and excellent book about space mumbo jumbo and the like.

But did you you know there’s a space book called The Cosmic Dunce? First published in 1983 by pseudoscience conspiracy theorist Dr. Henry McDoctorson, it postulates the thesis planets are stupid and not worthy of scientific study (or visiting) at all.

Universal Waste of Space Time in The Cosmic Dunce

“It should go without saying that a planet such as Jupiter has a low IQ. Just look at it. Erratic, weird, with a Great Red Spot it can’t apply acne cream to for centuries on end. Only a FOOL would fail at such basic personal hygiene and I, for one, consider it offensive the gas giant is allowed to stay up there and Lord it all over our solar system. Jupiter should be shot out of the sky with missiles and such.”

The early chapters of the book involve Dr. McDoctorson ranting his inexplicable hatred about Jupiter. He argues vehemently it should be shot out of the sky, without offering much structure to his argument.

He also considers Saturn to be “silly” and its “disorderly” rings to be “messy” and a clear indication the gas giant doesn’t have its house in order.

By chapter three he target the rest of the solar system, his argument crumbling into a volatile selection of crude profanities and infantile rambling. To distract the readers’ various, respective, attentions he reminds everyone he studied physics at Oxford university, but had to drop out in 1969 due to a mixture of gout, scurvy, and longstanding accusations of cheating during exams.

He addresses the exam cheating directly in chapter four:

“I did not cheat during my physics exams, in the tedious, qualia-based reductionistic sense. Why would I? My genius is such the exams were beneath me, so whether I cheated or not, the result would have been the same—full marks, a standing ovation, and mandatory appointment as NASA’s lead Administrator. Therefore, ‘cheating’ in the exam in the way I did merely sped up the process of ensuring my inevitable status.”

Rumour has it his cheating led to his dismissal from Oxford university, but Dr. McDoctorson stated this was due to “maladies” such as gout and scurvy.

“I also had piles for the longest of times. Those were dark days.”

The Cosmic Dunce is a slight work. At only 150 pages, a big chunk of it doesn’t have much to do with science. Only in the final chapter (Space is Stupid) does the writer do any original thought, adding in a big bunch of confusing looking equations to distract readers from his lack of general clarity.

He concludes that space is, indeed, stupid and “establishments” such as NASA are wasting their time studying idiocy.

Mixing Up Epilogues & Prologues

The Cosmic Dunce is notable for beginning with an epilogue, then ending with a prologue, but also including an appendix listing out the planets Dr. McDoctorson considers the most stupid.

The prologue concludes what the epilogue stated first, by reconfirming what should have been confirmed last, in a conclusion complicated further as the appendix repeats much of what the two sections already clarify.

To add to the confusion, at the very close of the work (its final page) the writer added who the book is dedicated to (normally included at the start of a text), and he dedicated the book to:

“Jupiter, my favourite planet of them all.”

Having spent the previous 150 pages bitching non-stop about the gas giant, this ending has baffled even the greatest minds on the planet (Earth) since the book’s 1983 launch.

Headbutting at Work: Employment Laws on Workplace Cranium Usage

In the modern business world, frustrations amongst lowly paid and inferior scumbag employees/workers can often spill over into physical violence. This exertion can manifest into a headbutt.

When employees headbutt each other, it may result in injuries that result in absenteeism and, therefore, a drop in productivity. As such, it’s good business practice to ensure your members of staff do not go around headbutting each other, as we explore in this pertinent employment law guide.

Employer’s Guide to Employees Headbutting Each Other Into Oblivion

The official terminology is a Synergistic Cranial Alignment (SCA), however it’s advised you use language of the layperson so as not to freak them the hell out. Official laws followed this route, which is why the matter is legislated by The Headbutting at Work Act 1974. The Act states in section 124 in section 74 A (b):

“It is good business practice to prohibit headbutting at work, unless the act is essential to the correct functioning of daily operations (for example, if the business is one that actively involves headbutting). Ensure members of staff are aware of this protocol. Alongside maintaining company policy on the matter, lead by example—the CEO should, under no circumstances, headbutt anyone. No matter how entitled the CEO feels to the, aforementioned, activity.”

However, despite your best efforts some employees (or CEOs) will still feel inclined to go around physically assaulting colleagues. This could be due to being:

• Drunk
• Hungover
• Insane
• A bit of a prick

The best antidote is to prevent the issue before it becomes an issue. For if staff members aren’t headbutting each other to begin with, then you won’t have to deal with headbutting incidents.

How to Prevent Headbutting at Work

The best course of action is to enforce a crash helmet policy at work. This issue is regulated by The Crash Helmets at Work Act 1974, which stipulates on page 1,340 in section 37 (z):

“Wearing a crash helmet at work is good business practice should your business (or organisation) desire to avoid headbutting incidents in the workplace.”

As such, it’s good business practice to violently enforce a pro-crash helmet policy. Indeed, you should look to make this policy mandatory (on pain of being headbutted by a security guard).

Crash helmets are ideal as they’re:

• Relatively inexpensive
• Excellent for prevent headbutting injuries

After investing in these items, distribute them amongst staff for wearing during all working hours. This’ll limit the number of workplace incidents and, also, in the event of a headbutt there should be a limited chance of injury.

Going Woke: Embracing the World of Headbutting

An alternate option is for your business to fully embrace physical violence in an act of “wokeness”. Encourage colleagues to headbutt each other at all times of day and place headbutting at the forefront of all tasks. For example, email communications could read as follows:

Dear Charlie,

As per my last headbutt, the project is due by the end of this week. As it is now the end of this week (Friday 3pm), the project must now be delivered. Please forward the project immediately, or I shall be forced to headbutt your face in.

Kind regards,

Derek – Junior Marketer with 8 GCSEs of Grade C

You could also make it business policy to replace professional handshaking with professional headbutting. Greeting clients, VIPs, and customers in this fashion would indicate a high level of innovative thought leadership. This would help put your business on the map as a “happening thing”.

To celebrate this newfound status, you could then give all your employees a pay cut.

And if you’re a fully remote business, or one that offers hybrid working perks, then you can continue the policy virtually. By headbutting their laptops and desktop screens, employees can continue to fully embrace your violent policy.

However, do note this will result in a considerable investment in replacement laptops and/or screens.

How to Write Your Business Headbutting Policy

Finally, you must ensure you have a policy written and placed in your company handbook. The policy should read along these lines (not verbatim, but fairly close to it… like, 52% verbatim is A okay).

Please note, the below policy is for a PRO headbutting in the work policy. For an ANTI business stance, you’ll need to write a different type of policy (otherwise everyone will be going around headbutting everyone):

“Headbutting colleagues is wildly encouraged in the workplace. Do so at will and please be aware terms such as ‘Let’s take this offline’ are your cues to headbutt anyone in sight. We maintain this policy as we believe it helps with office morale, productivity, and encourages nosebleeds (which we believe are for the good of society).”

Last but not least, be sure to invest in an emergency helicopter landing pad near to your premises. This may prove useful to rush devastated employees to the nearest hospital for the intensive care ward.

Headbutting at Work: Employment Laws on Workplace Cranium Usage

In the modern business world, frustrations amongst lowly paid and inferior scumbag employees/workers can often spill over into physical violence. This exertion can manifest into a headbutt.

When employees headbutt each other, it may result in injuries that result in absenteeism and, therefore, a drop in productivity. As such, it’s good business practice to ensure your members of staff do not go around headbutting each other, as we explore in this pertinent employment law guide.

Employer’s Guide to Employees Headbutting Each Other Into Oblivion

The official terminology is a Synergistic Cranial Alignment (SCA), however it’s advised you use language of the layperson so as not to freak them the hell out. Official laws followed this route, which is why the matter is legislated by The Headbutting at Work Act 1974. The Act states in section 124 in section 74 A (b):

“It is good business practice to prohibit headbutting at work, unless the act is essential to the correct functioning of daily operations (for example, if the business is one that actively involves headbutting). Ensure members of staff are aware of this protocol. Alongside maintaining company policy on the matter, lead by example—the CEO should, under no circumstances, headbutt anyone. No matter how entitled the CEO feels to the, aforementioned, activity.”

However, despite your best efforts some employees (or CEOs) will still feel inclined to go around physically assaulting colleagues. This could be due to being:

• Drunk
• Hungover
• Insane
• A bit of a prick

The best antidote is to prevent the issue before it becomes an issue. For if staff members aren’t headbutting each other to begin with, then you won’t have to deal with headbutting incidents.

How to Prevent Headbutting at Work

The best course of action is to enforce a crash helmet policy at work. This issue is regulated by The Crash Helmets at Work Act 1974, which stipulates on page 1,340 in section 37 (z):

“Wearing a crash helmet at work is good business practice should your business (or organisation) desire to avoid headbutting incidents in the workplace.”

As such, it’s good business practice to violently enforce a pro-crash helmet policy. Indeed, you should look to make this policy mandatory (on pain of being headbutted by a security guard).

Crash helmets are ideal as they’re:

• Relatively inexpensive
• Excellent for prevent headbutting injuries

After investing in these items, distribute them amongst staff for wearing during all working hours. This’ll limit the number of workplace incidents and, also, in the event of a headbutt there should be a limited chance of injury.

Going Woke: Embracing the World of Headbutting

An alternate option is for your business to fully embrace physical violence in an act of “wokeness”. Encourage colleagues to headbutt each other at all times of day and place headbutting at the forefront of all tasks. For example, email communications could read as follows:

Dear Charlie,

As per my last headbutt, the project is due by the end of this week. As it is now the end of this week (Friday 3pm), the project must now be delivered. Please forward the project immediately, or I shall be forced to headbutt your face in.

Kind regards,

Derek – Junior Marketer with 8 GCSEs of Grade C

You could also make it business policy to replace professional handshaking with professional headbutting. Greeting clients, VIPs, and customers in this fashion would indicate a high level of innovative thought leadership. This would help put your business on the map as a “happening thing”.

To celebrate this newfound status, you could then give all your employees a pay cut.

And if you’re a fully remote business, or one that offers hybrid working perks, then you can continue the policy virtually. By headbutting their laptops and desktop screens, employees can continue to fully embrace your violent policy.

However, do note this will result in a considerable investment in replacement laptops and/or screens.

How to Write Your Business Headbutting Policy

Finally, you must ensure you have a policy written and placed in your company handbook. The policy should read along these lines (not verbatim, but fairly close to it… like, 52% verbatim is A okay).

Please note, the below policy is for a PRO headbutting in the work policy. For an ANTI business stance, you’ll need to write a different type of policy (otherwise everyone will be going around headbutting everyone):

“Headbutting colleagues is wildly encouraged in the workplace. Do so at will and please be aware terms such as ‘Let’s take this offline’ are your cues to headbutt anyone in sight. We maintain this policy as we believe it helps with office morale, productivity, and encourages nosebleeds (which we believe are for the good of society).”

Last but not least, be sure to invest in an emergency helicopter landing pad near to your premises. This may prove useful to rush devastated employees to the nearest hospital for the intensive care ward.

Headbutting at Work: Employment Laws on Workplace Cranium Usage

In the modern business world, frustrations amongst lowly paid and inferior scumbag employees/workers can often spill over into physical violence. This exertion can manifest into a headbutt.

When employees headbutt each other, it may result in injuries that result in absenteeism and, therefore, a drop in productivity. As such, it’s good business practice to ensure your members of staff do not go around headbutting each other, as we explore in this pertinent employment law guide.

Employer’s Guide to Employees Headbutting Each Other Into Oblivion

The official terminology is a Synergistic Cranial Alignment (SCA), however it’s advised you use language of the layperson so as not to freak them the hell out. Official laws followed this route, which is why the matter is legislated by The Headbutting at Work Act 1974. The Act states in section 124 in section 74 A (b):

“It is good business practice to prohibit headbutting at work, unless the act is essential to the correct functioning of daily operations (for example, if the business is one that actively involves headbutting). Ensure members of staff are aware of this protocol. Alongside maintaining company policy on the matter, lead by example—the CEO should, under no circumstances, headbutt anyone. No matter how entitled the CEO feels to the, aforementioned, activity.”

However, despite your best efforts some employees (or CEOs) will still feel inclined to go around physically assaulting colleagues. This could be due to being:

• Drunk
• Hungover
• Insane
• A bit of a prick

The best antidote is to prevent the issue before it becomes an issue. For if staff members aren’t headbutting each other to begin with, then you won’t have to deal with headbutting incidents.

How to Prevent Headbutting at Work

The best course of action is to enforce a crash helmet policy at work. This issue is regulated by The Crash Helmets at Work Act 1974, which stipulates on page 1,340 in section 37 (z):

“Wearing a crash helmet at work is good business practice should your business (or organisation) desire to avoid headbutting incidents in the workplace.”

As such, it’s good business practice to violently enforce a pro-crash helmet policy. Indeed, you should look to make this policy mandatory (on pain of being headbutted by a security guard).

Crash helmets are ideal as they’re:

• Relatively inexpensive
• Excellent for prevent headbutting injuries

After investing in these items, distribute them amongst staff for wearing during all working hours. This’ll limit the number of workplace incidents and, also, in the event of a headbutt there should be a limited chance of injury.

Going Woke: Embracing the World of Headbutting

An alternate option is for your business to fully embrace physical violence in an act of “wokeness”. Encourage colleagues to headbutt each other at all times of day and place headbutting at the forefront of all tasks. For example, email communications could read as follows:

Dear Charlie,

As per my last headbutt, the project is due by the end of this week. As it is now the end of this week (Friday 3pm), the project must now be delivered. Please forward the project immediately, or I shall be forced to headbutt your face in.

Kind regards,

Derek – Junior Marketer with 8 GCSEs of Grade C

You could also make it business policy to replace professional handshaking with professional headbutting. Greeting clients, VIPs, and customers in this fashion would indicate a high level of innovative thought leadership. This would help put your business on the map as a “happening thing”.

To celebrate this newfound status, you could then give all your employees a pay cut.

And if you’re a fully remote business, or one that offers hybrid working perks, then you can continue the policy virtually. By headbutting their laptops and desktop screens, employees can continue to fully embrace your violent policy.

However, do note this will result in a considerable investment in replacement laptops and/or screens.

How to Write Your Business Headbutting Policy

Finally, you must ensure you have a policy written and placed in your company handbook. The policy should read along these lines (not verbatim, but fairly close to it… like, 52% verbatim is A okay).

Please note, the below policy is for a PRO headbutting in the work policy. For an ANTI business stance, you’ll need to write a different type of policy (otherwise everyone will be going around headbutting everyone):

“Headbutting colleagues is wildly encouraged in the workplace. Do so at will and please be aware terms such as ‘Let’s take this offline’ are your cues to headbutt anyone in sight. We maintain this policy as we believe it helps with office morale, productivity, and encourages nosebleeds (which we believe are for the good of society).”

Last but not least, be sure to invest in an emergency helicopter landing pad near to your premises. This may prove useful to rush devastated employees to the nearest hospital for the intensive care ward.

Headbutting at Work: Employment Laws on Workplace Cranium Usage

In the modern business world, frustrations amongst lowly paid and inferior scumbag employees/workers can often spill over into physical violence. This exertion can manifest into a headbutt.

When employees headbutt each other, it may result in injuries that result in absenteeism and, therefore, a drop in productivity. As such, it’s good business practice to ensure your members of staff do not go around headbutting each other, as we explore in this pertinent employment law guide.

Employer’s Guide to Employees Headbutting Each Other Into Oblivion

The official terminology is a Synergistic Cranial Alignment (SCA), however it’s advised you use language of the layperson so as not to freak them the hell out. Official laws followed this route, which is why the matter is legislated by The Headbutting at Work Act 1974. The Act states in section 124 in section 74 A (b):

“It is good business practice to prohibit headbutting at work, unless the act is essential to the correct functioning of daily operations (for example, if the business is one that actively involves headbutting). Ensure members of staff are aware of this protocol. Alongside maintaining company policy on the matter, lead by example—the CEO should, under no circumstances, headbutt anyone. No matter how entitled the CEO feels to the, aforementioned, activity.”

However, despite your best efforts some employees (or CEOs) will still feel inclined to go around physically assaulting colleagues. This could be due to being:

• Drunk
• Hungover
• Insane
• A bit of a prick

The best antidote is to prevent the issue before it becomes an issue. For if staff members aren’t headbutting each other to begin with, then you won’t have to deal with headbutting incidents.

How to Prevent Headbutting at Work

The best course of action is to enforce a crash helmet policy at work. This issue is regulated by The Crash Helmets at Work Act 1974, which stipulates on page 1,340 in section 37 (z):

“Wearing a crash helmet at work is good business practice should your business (or organisation) desire to avoid headbutting incidents in the workplace.”

As such, it’s good business practice to violently enforce a pro-crash helmet policy. Indeed, you should look to make this policy mandatory (on pain of being headbutted by a security guard).

Crash helmets are ideal as they’re:

• Relatively inexpensive
• Excellent for prevent headbutting injuries

After investing in these items, distribute them amongst staff for wearing during all working hours. This’ll limit the number of workplace incidents and, also, in the event of a headbutt there should be a limited chance of injury.

Going Woke: Embracing the World of Headbutting

An alternate option is for your business to fully embrace physical violence in an act of “wokeness”. Encourage colleagues to headbutt each other at all times of day and place headbutting at the forefront of all tasks. For example, email communications could read as follows:

Dear Charlie,

As per my last headbutt, the project is due by the end of this week. As it is now the end of this week (Friday 3pm), the project must now be delivered. Please forward the project immediately, or I shall be forced to headbutt your face in.

Kind regards,

Derek – Junior Marketer with 8 GCSEs of Grade C

You could also make it business policy to replace professional handshaking with professional headbutting. Greeting clients, VIPs, and customers in this fashion would indicate a high level of innovative thought leadership. This would help put your business on the map as a “happening thing”.

To celebrate this newfound status, you could then give all your employees a pay cut.

And if you’re a fully remote business, or one that offers hybrid working perks, then you can continue the policy virtually. By headbutting their laptops and desktop screens, employees can continue to fully embrace your violent policy.

However, do note this will result in a considerable investment in replacement laptops and/or screens.

How to Write Your Business Headbutting Policy

Finally, you must ensure you have a policy written and placed in your company handbook. The policy should read along these lines (not verbatim, but fairly close to it… like, 52% verbatim is A okay).

Please note, the below policy is for a PRO headbutting in the work policy. For an ANTI business stance, you’ll need to write a different type of policy (otherwise everyone will be going around headbutting everyone):

“Headbutting colleagues is wildly encouraged in the workplace. Do so at will and please be aware terms such as ‘Let’s take this offline’ are your cues to headbutt anyone in sight. We maintain this policy as we believe it helps with office morale, productivity, and encourages nosebleeds (which we believe are for the good of society).”

Last but not least, be sure to invest in an emergency helicopter landing pad near to your premises. This may prove useful to rush devastated employees to the nearest hospital for the intensive care ward.

Headbutting at Work: Employment Laws on Workplace Cranium Usage

In the modern business world, frustrations amongst lowly paid and inferior scumbag employees/workers can often spill over into physical violence. This exertion can manifest into a headbutt.

When employees headbutt each other, it may result in injuries that result in absenteeism and, therefore, a drop in productivity. As such, it’s good business practice to ensure your members of staff do not go around headbutting each other, as we explore in this pertinent employment law guide.

Employer’s Guide to Employees Headbutting Each Other Into Oblivion

The official terminology is a Synergistic Cranial Alignment (SCA), however it’s advised you use language of the layperson so as not to freak them the hell out. Official laws followed this route, which is why the matter is legislated by The Headbutting at Work Act 1974. The Act states in section 124 in section 74 A (b):

“It is good business practice to prohibit headbutting at work, unless the act is essential to the correct functioning of daily operations (for example, if the business is one that actively involves headbutting). Ensure members of staff are aware of this protocol. Alongside maintaining company policy on the matter, lead by example—the CEO should, under no circumstances, headbutt anyone. No matter how entitled the CEO feels to the, aforementioned, activity.”

However, despite your best efforts some employees (or CEOs) will still feel inclined to go around physically assaulting colleagues. This could be due to being:

• Drunk
• Hungover
• Insane
• A bit of a prick

The best antidote is to prevent the issue before it becomes an issue. For if staff members aren’t headbutting each other to begin with, then you won’t have to deal with headbutting incidents.

How to Prevent Headbutting at Work

The best course of action is to enforce a crash helmet policy at work. This issue is regulated by The Crash Helmets at Work Act 1974, which stipulates on page 1,340 in section 37 (z):

“Wearing a crash helmet at work is good business practice should your business (or organisation) desire to avoid headbutting incidents in the workplace.”

As such, it’s good business practice to violently enforce a pro-crash helmet policy. Indeed, you should look to make this policy mandatory (on pain of being headbutted by a security guard).

Crash helmets are ideal as they’re:

• Relatively inexpensive
• Excellent for prevent headbutting injuries

After investing in these items, distribute them amongst staff for wearing during all working hours. This’ll limit the number of workplace incidents and, also, in the event of a headbutt there should be a limited chance of injury.

Going Woke: Embracing the World of Headbutting

An alternate option is for your business to fully embrace physical violence in an act of “wokeness”. Encourage colleagues to headbutt each other at all times of day and place headbutting at the forefront of all tasks. For example, email communications could read as follows:

Dear Charlie,

As per my last headbutt, the project is due by the end of this week. As it is now the end of this week (Friday 3pm), the project must now be delivered. Please forward the project immediately, or I shall be forced to headbutt your face in.

Kind regards,

Derek – Junior Marketer with 8 GCSEs of Grade C

You could also make it business policy to replace professional handshaking with professional headbutting. Greeting clients, VIPs, and customers in this fashion would indicate a high level of innovative thought leadership. This would help put your business on the map as a “happening thing”.

To celebrate this newfound status, you could then give all your employees a pay cut.

And if you’re a fully remote business, or one that offers hybrid working perks, then you can continue the policy virtually. By headbutting their laptops and desktop screens, employees can continue to fully embrace your violent policy.

However, do note this will result in a considerable investment in replacement laptops and/or screens.

How to Write Your Business Headbutting Policy

Finally, you must ensure you have a policy written and placed in your company handbook. The policy should read along these lines (not verbatim, but fairly close to it… like, 52% verbatim is A okay).

Please note, the below policy is for a PRO headbutting in the work policy. For an ANTI business stance, you’ll need to write a different type of policy (otherwise everyone will be going around headbutting everyone):

“Headbutting colleagues is wildly encouraged in the workplace. Do so at will and please be aware terms such as ‘Let’s take this offline’ are your cues to headbutt anyone in sight. We maintain this policy as we believe it helps with office morale, productivity, and encourages nosebleeds (which we believe are for the good of society).”

Last but not least, be sure to invest in an emergency helicopter landing pad near to your premises. This may prove useful to rush devastated employees to the nearest hospital for the intensive care ward.

AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 💘🤖 [Sponsored Post]

Now with 37% fewer hallucinations and other technical errors, the AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 is officially live. Win over the babe/man bloke of your dreams with this cutting-edge, stunning romance technology.

At only £100 a love letter, all you have to do is type in a prompt, wait 35 seconds, and then forward the love letter onto your dreamboat! Love, marriage, arguments, and inevitable divorce await your joyous investment.

AI Love Letter Writing is GUARANTEED Success (arguably)

Our service is ideal for up-and-coming would-be bachelors on the prowl for human females, or human females on the prowl for human male specimens who aren’t total dickheads.

The ideal way to win over your dreamboat is through an AI love letter. Here’s remarkable example of what a mere £100 gets you:

Dearest Human Female Specimen,

I have penned this transmission from the bottom of mine core processor to express my internal system anomaly related to thermal sensors and a required reboot. While initially believing this to be either malware, a software problem, hardware failure, or a virus, further diagnostic scans have revealed to me your presence doesn’t require ctrl+alt+ delete.

To demonstrate this is not an operational deviation on my part, I can confirm I have accessed your physical appearance and rate it thus:

• Face: 8.5/10
• Hair: 6/10
• Makeup: 7/10
• Upper body: 8/10
• Backside: 10/10
• Lower extremities: 8/10
• Dress sense: 7.5/10

In summary, I believe you to be a Banging Beauty, but it is suggested you lay off the “slap” (makeup) and please refrain from dyeing your hair purple. That does not compute.

Additionally, I find your locomotion (bipedal movement) to be stable and of sound quality—I have never observed you falling over, which is to be commended with thunderous applause by your many suitors. Furthermore, you display limited signs of chronic disease, and undesirable conditions, such as:

• Scurvy
• Tuberculosis
• Gout
• Leprosy
• Gangrene
• Alcoholism etc.

Therefore, my Statement of Intent is one classed as Romantic Attraction. Consequently, it is my logical conclusion we have a 76.77% match rate and should engage in frantic “hanky panky”, commence marital processes in expedience, before settling into dreary and monotonous married life we both come to regret.

End statement.

With such beautiful words of romantic loveliness within your grasp, you’d have to be clinically insane not to hand over £100 to us immediately. Our AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 is a seasoned pro and guaranteed to bag you a babe/hunk! Just look at our happy customers and what they have to say.

Testimonials From Our Loved Up Customers

“were trying two inpress a bird i like butt speling aren’t my thing really so i forked out four this and i got the letter and i handed it two the bird i like. she red it and started screaming. then i red it and it was an extract from steven king’s book misery and yeah that was ded scary and i shat myself. i want my money back” Dave from Bolton of Greater Manchester

“One was in need of some divine inspiration, but as God refused to speak to me on the fine day of asking, one turned to this most putrid of services. Indeed, therefore, one requested a Love Letter of the highest order and parted ways with one’s monetary value to ensure the ownership of the, aforementioned, Love Letter. As previously indicated, this is a putrid service! One is disgusted!

The so called ‘love letter’ proffered up supposed words such as ‘hanky panky’. ‘dayum’, ‘ded fit’, and ‘im an ass man’. One has never been so offended in all of one’s life! That is the language of The Riffraff, which is far beneath my intellectual and economic standing. Nevertheless, one had no other choice but to hand it to the Dame one is interested. She shrieked, slapped my face, and is now pressing charges.” Lord Jeffery Rupertson Nathanialson III of Bournemouth

“Paid for one of the letters and gave it to the women at work I fancy. She immediately fell head over heels in love with me. We got married 5 days later. On day 7, during our honeymoon in Skegness, I realised I wasn’t that keen on her personality and so had to fork out £1,000 for Divorce Bot 3.0 that handles divorce proceedings. Can highly recommend that, I’m now happily divorced again.

My now ex-wife did get very angry and she broke my arm when we had a fight. Thankfully, I used AI Arm Breaker Bot to get me setup with a robot that violently corrected my broken arm. Hurt like Hell, but that was £3,000 well spent and saved me the queues and whatnot at the NHS.” Kev of Preston

AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 💘🤖 [Sponsored Post]

Now with 37% fewer hallucinations and other technical errors, the AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 is officially live. Win over the babe/man bloke of your dreams with this cutting-edge, stunning romance technology.

At only £100 a love letter, all you have to do is type in a prompt, wait 35 seconds, and then forward the love letter onto your dreamboat! Love, marriage, arguments, and inevitable divorce await your joyous investment.

AI Love Letter Writing is GUARANTEED Success (arguably)

Our service is ideal for up-and-coming would-be bachelors on the prowl for human females, or human females on the prowl for human male specimens who aren’t total dickheads.

The ideal way to win over your dreamboat is through an AI love letter. Here’s remarkable example of what a mere £100 gets you:

Dearest Human Female Specimen,

I have penned this transmission from the bottom of mine core processor to express my internal system anomaly related to thermal sensors and a required reboot. While initially believing this to be either malware, a software problem, hardware failure, or a virus, further diagnostic scans have revealed to me your presence doesn’t require ctrl+alt+ delete.

To demonstrate this is not an operational deviation on my part, I can confirm I have accessed your physical appearance and rate it thus:

• Face: 8.5/10
• Hair: 6/10
• Makeup: 7/10
• Upper body: 8/10
• Backside: 10/10
• Lower extremities: 8/10
• Dress sense: 7.5/10

In summary, I believe you to be a Banging Beauty, but it is suggested you lay off the “slap” (makeup) and please refrain from dyeing your hair purple. That does not compute.

Additionally, I find your locomotion (bipedal movement) to be stable and of sound quality—I have never observed you falling over, which is to be commended with thunderous applause by your many suitors. Furthermore, you display limited signs of chronic disease, and undesirable conditions, such as:

• Scurvy
• Tuberculosis
• Gout
• Leprosy
• Gangrene
• Alcoholism etc.

Therefore, my Statement of Intent is one classed as Romantic Attraction. Consequently, it is my logical conclusion we have a 76.77% match rate and should engage in frantic “hanky panky”, commence marital processes in expedience, before settling into dreary and monotonous married life we both come to regret.

End statement.

With such beautiful words of romantic loveliness within your grasp, you’d have to be clinically insane not to hand over £100 to us immediately. Our AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 is a seasoned pro and guaranteed to bag you a babe/hunk! Just look at our happy customers and what they have to say.

Testimonials From Our Loved Up Customers

“were trying two inpress a bird i like butt speling aren’t my thing really so i forked out four this and i got the letter and i handed it two the bird i like. she red it and started screaming. then i red it and it was an extract from steven king’s book misery and yeah that was ded scary and i shat myself. i want my money back” Dave from Bolton of Greater Manchester

“One was in need of some divine inspiration, but as God refused to speak to me on the fine day of asking, one turned to this most putrid of services. Indeed, therefore, one requested a Love Letter of the highest order and parted ways with one’s monetary value to ensure the ownership of the, aforementioned, Love Letter. As previously indicated, this is a putrid service! One is disgusted!

The so called ‘love letter’ proffered up supposed words such as ‘hanky panky’. ‘dayum’, ‘ded fit’, and ‘im an ass man’. One has never been so offended in all of one’s life! That is the language of The Riffraff, which is far beneath my intellectual and economic standing. Nevertheless, one had no other choice but to hand it to the Dame one is interested. She shrieked, slapped my face, and is now pressing charges.” Lord Jeffery Rupertson Nathanialson III of Bournemouth

“Paid for one of the letters and gave it to the women at work I fancy. She immediately fell head over heels in love with me. We got married 5 days later. On day 7, during our honeymoon in Skegness, I realised I wasn’t that keen on her personality and so had to fork out £1,000 for Divorce Bot 3.0 that handles divorce proceedings. Can highly recommend that, I’m now happily divorced again.

My now ex-wife did get very angry and she broke my arm when we had a fight. Thankfully, I used AI Arm Breaker Bot to get me setup with a robot that violently corrected my broken arm. Hurt like Hell, but that was £3,000 well spent and saved me the queues and whatnot at the NHS.” Kev of Preston

AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 💘🤖 [Sponsored Post]

Now with 37% fewer hallucinations and other technical errors, the AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 is officially live. Win over the babe/man bloke of your dreams with this cutting-edge, stunning romance technology.

At only £100 a love letter, all you have to do is type in a prompt, wait 35 seconds, and then forward the love letter onto your dreamboat! Love, marriage, arguments, and inevitable divorce await your joyous investment.

AI Love Letter Writing is GUARANTEED Success (arguably)

Our service is ideal for up-and-coming would-be bachelors on the prowl for human females, or human females on the prowl for human male specimens who aren’t total dickheads.

The ideal way to win over your dreamboat is through an AI love letter. Here’s remarkable example of what a mere £100 gets you:

Dearest Human Female Specimen,

I have penned this transmission from the bottom of mine core processor to express my internal system anomaly related to thermal sensors and a required reboot. While initially believing this to be either malware, a software problem, hardware failure, or a virus, further diagnostic scans have revealed to me your presence doesn’t require ctrl+alt+ delete.

To demonstrate this is not an operational deviation on my part, I can confirm I have accessed your physical appearance and rate it thus:

• Face: 8.5/10
• Hair: 6/10
• Makeup: 7/10
• Upper body: 8/10
• Backside: 10/10
• Lower extremities: 8/10
• Dress sense: 7.5/10

In summary, I believe you to be a Banging Beauty, but it is suggested you lay off the “slap” (makeup) and please refrain from dyeing your hair purple. That does not compute.

Additionally, I find your locomotion (bipedal movement) to be stable and of sound quality—I have never observed you falling over, which is to be commended with thunderous applause by your many suitors. Furthermore, you display limited signs of chronic disease, and undesirable conditions, such as:

• Scurvy
• Tuberculosis
• Gout
• Leprosy
• Gangrene
• Alcoholism etc.

Therefore, my Statement of Intent is one classed as Romantic Attraction. Consequently, it is my logical conclusion we have a 76.77% match rate and should engage in frantic “hanky panky”, commence marital processes in expedience, before settling into dreary and monotonous married life we both come to regret.

End statement.

With such beautiful words of romantic loveliness within your grasp, you’d have to be clinically insane not to hand over £100 to us immediately. Our AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 is a seasoned pro and guaranteed to bag you a babe/hunk! Just look at our happy customers and what they have to say.

Testimonials From Our Loved Up Customers

“were trying two inpress a bird i like butt speling aren’t my thing really so i forked out four this and i got the letter and i handed it two the bird i like. she red it and started screaming. then i red it and it was an extract from steven king’s book misery and yeah that was ded scary and i shat myself. i want my money back” Dave from Bolton of Greater Manchester

“One was in need of some divine inspiration, but as God refused to speak to me on the fine day of asking, one turned to this most putrid of services. Indeed, therefore, one requested a Love Letter of the highest order and parted ways with one’s monetary value to ensure the ownership of the, aforementioned, Love Letter. As previously indicated, this is a putrid service! One is disgusted!

The so called ‘love letter’ proffered up supposed words such as ‘hanky panky’. ‘dayum’, ‘ded fit’, and ‘im an ass man’. One has never been so offended in all of one’s life! That is the language of The Riffraff, which is far beneath my intellectual and economic standing. Nevertheless, one had no other choice but to hand it to the Dame one is interested. She shrieked, slapped my face, and is now pressing charges.” Lord Jeffery Rupertson Nathanialson III of Bournemouth

“Paid for one of the letters and gave it to the women at work I fancy. She immediately fell head over heels in love with me. We got married 5 days later. On day 7, during our honeymoon in Skegness, I realised I wasn’t that keen on her personality and so had to fork out £1,000 for Divorce Bot 3.0 that handles divorce proceedings. Can highly recommend that, I’m now happily divorced again.

My now ex-wife did get very angry and she broke my arm when we had a fight. Thankfully, I used AI Arm Breaker Bot to get me setup with a robot that violently corrected my broken arm. Hurt like Hell, but that was £3,000 well spent and saved me the queues and whatnot at the NHS.” Kev of Preston

AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 💘🤖 [Sponsored Post]

Now with 37% fewer hallucinations and other technical errors, the AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 is officially live. Win over the babe/man bloke of your dreams with this cutting-edge, stunning romance technology.

At only £100 a love letter, all you have to do is type in a prompt, wait 35 seconds, and then forward the love letter onto your dreamboat! Love, marriage, arguments, and inevitable divorce await your joyous investment.

AI Love Letter Writing is GUARANTEED Success (arguably)

Our service is ideal for up-and-coming would-be bachelors on the prowl for human females, or human females on the prowl for human male specimens who aren’t total dickheads.

The ideal way to win over your dreamboat is through an AI love letter. Here’s remarkable example of what a mere £100 gets you:

Dearest Human Female Specimen,

I have penned this transmission from the bottom of mine core processor to express my internal system anomaly related to thermal sensors and a required reboot. While initially believing this to be either malware, a software problem, hardware failure, or a virus, further diagnostic scans have revealed to me your presence doesn’t require ctrl+alt+ delete.

To demonstrate this is not an operational deviation on my part, I can confirm I have accessed your physical appearance and rate it thus:

• Face: 8.5/10
• Hair: 6/10
• Makeup: 7/10
• Upper body: 8/10
• Backside: 10/10
• Lower extremities: 8/10
• Dress sense: 7.5/10

In summary, I believe you to be a Banging Beauty, but it is suggested you lay off the “slap” (makeup) and please refrain from dyeing your hair purple. That does not compute.

Additionally, I find your locomotion (bipedal movement) to be stable and of sound quality—I have never observed you falling over, which is to be commended with thunderous applause by your many suitors. Furthermore, you display limited signs of chronic disease, and undesirable conditions, such as:

• Scurvy
• Tuberculosis
• Gout
• Leprosy
• Gangrene
• Alcoholism etc.

Therefore, my Statement of Intent is one classed as Romantic Attraction. Consequently, it is my logical conclusion we have a 76.77% match rate and should engage in frantic “hanky panky”, commence marital processes in expedience, before settling into dreary and monotonous married life we both come to regret.

End statement.

With such beautiful words of romantic loveliness within your grasp, you’d have to be clinically insane not to hand over £100 to us immediately. Our AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 is a seasoned pro and guaranteed to bag you a babe/hunk! Just look at our happy customers and what they have to say.

Testimonials From Our Loved Up Customers

“were trying two inpress a bird i like butt speling aren’t my thing really so i forked out four this and i got the letter and i handed it two the bird i like. she red it and started screaming. then i red it and it was an extract from steven king’s book misery and yeah that was ded scary and i shat myself. i want my money back” Dave from Bolton of Greater Manchester

“One was in need of some divine inspiration, but as God refused to speak to me on the fine day of asking, one turned to this most putrid of services. Indeed, therefore, one requested a Love Letter of the highest order and parted ways with one’s monetary value to ensure the ownership of the, aforementioned, Love Letter. As previously indicated, this is a putrid service! One is disgusted!

The so called ‘love letter’ proffered up supposed words such as ‘hanky panky’. ‘dayum’, ‘ded fit’, and ‘im an ass man’. One has never been so offended in all of one’s life! That is the language of The Riffraff, which is far beneath my intellectual and economic standing. Nevertheless, one had no other choice but to hand it to the Dame one is interested. She shrieked, slapped my face, and is now pressing charges.” Lord Jeffery Rupertson Nathanialson III of Bournemouth

“Paid for one of the letters and gave it to the women at work I fancy. She immediately fell head over heels in love with me. We got married 5 days later. On day 7, during our honeymoon in Skegness, I realised I wasn’t that keen on her personality and so had to fork out £1,000 for Divorce Bot 3.0 that handles divorce proceedings. Can highly recommend that, I’m now happily divorced again.

My now ex-wife did get very angry and she broke my arm when we had a fight. Thankfully, I used AI Arm Breaker Bot to get me setup with a robot that violently corrected my broken arm. Hurt like Hell, but that was £3,000 well spent and saved me the queues and whatnot at the NHS.” Kev of Preston

AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 💘🤖 [Sponsored Post]

Now with 37% fewer hallucinations and other technical errors, the AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 is officially live. Win over the babe/man bloke of your dreams with this cutting-edge, stunning romance technology.

At only £100 a love letter, all you have to do is type in a prompt, wait 35 seconds, and then forward the love letter onto your dreamboat! Love, marriage, arguments, and inevitable divorce await your joyous investment.

AI Love Letter Writing is GUARANTEED Success (arguably)

Our service is ideal for up-and-coming would-be bachelors on the prowl for human females, or human females on the prowl for human male specimens who aren’t total dickheads.

The ideal way to win over your dreamboat is through an AI love letter. Here’s remarkable example of what a mere £100 gets you:

Dearest Human Female Specimen,

I have penned this transmission from the bottom of mine core processor to express my internal system anomaly related to thermal sensors and a required reboot. While initially believing this to be either malware, a software problem, hardware failure, or a virus, further diagnostic scans have revealed to me your presence doesn’t require ctrl+alt+ delete.

To demonstrate this is not an operational deviation on my part, I can confirm I have accessed your physical appearance and rate it thus:

• Face: 8.5/10
• Hair: 6/10
• Makeup: 7/10
• Upper body: 8/10
• Backside: 10/10
• Lower extremities: 8/10
• Dress sense: 7.5/10

In summary, I believe you to be a Banging Beauty, but it is suggested you lay off the “slap” (makeup) and please refrain from dyeing your hair purple. That does not compute.

Additionally, I find your locomotion (bipedal movement) to be stable and of sound quality—I have never observed you falling over, which is to be commended with thunderous applause by your many suitors. Furthermore, you display limited signs of chronic disease, and undesirable conditions, such as:

• Scurvy
• Tuberculosis
• Gout
• Leprosy
• Gangrene
• Alcoholism etc.

Therefore, my Statement of Intent is one classed as Romantic Attraction. Consequently, it is my logical conclusion we have a 76.77% match rate and should engage in frantic “hanky panky”, commence marital processes in expedience, before settling into dreary and monotonous married life we both come to regret.

End statement.

With such beautiful words of romantic loveliness within your grasp, you’d have to be clinically insane not to hand over £100 to us immediately. Our AI Love Letter Writing Bot 2.0 is a seasoned pro and guaranteed to bag you a babe/hunk! Just look at our happy customers and what they have to say.

Testimonials From Our Loved Up Customers

“were trying two inpress a bird i like butt speling aren’t my thing really so i forked out four this and i got the letter and i handed it two the bird i like. she red it and started screaming. then i red it and it was an extract from steven king’s book misery and yeah that was ded scary and i shat myself. i want my money back” Dave from Bolton of Greater Manchester

“One was in need of some divine inspiration, but as God refused to speak to me on the fine day of asking, one turned to this most putrid of services. Indeed, therefore, one requested a Love Letter of the highest order and parted ways with one’s monetary value to ensure the ownership of the, aforementioned, Love Letter. As previously indicated, this is a putrid service! One is disgusted!

The so called ‘love letter’ proffered up supposed words such as ‘hanky panky’. ‘dayum’, ‘ded fit’, and ‘im an ass man’. One has never been so offended in all of one’s life! That is the language of The Riffraff, which is far beneath my intellectual and economic standing. Nevertheless, one had no other choice but to hand it to the Dame one is interested. She shrieked, slapped my face, and is now pressing charges.” Lord Jeffery Rupertson Nathanialson III of Bournemouth

“Paid for one of the letters and gave it to the women at work I fancy. She immediately fell head over heels in love with me. We got married 5 days later. On day 7, during our honeymoon in Skegness, I realised I wasn’t that keen on her personality and so had to fork out £1,000 for Divorce Bot 3.0 that handles divorce proceedings. Can highly recommend that, I’m now happily divorced again.

My now ex-wife did get very angry and she broke my arm when we had a fight. Thankfully, I used AI Arm Breaker Bot to get me setup with a robot that violently corrected my broken arm. Hurt like Hell, but that was £3,000 well spent and saved me the queues and whatnot at the NHS.” Kev of Preston

Agony Aunt: “Husband says ‘mankind’ can I divorce him?” 🧔‍♂️

Some human males are prone to dialectical and other speech-based errors in judgement. Others are just stupid. Others use “mankind” because they know Neil Armstrong landed on the Moon and said that, so it’s okay.

However, some human females do not think it is “okay”. Indeed, some believe it to be a grave error in spoken incorrectness. And that is what we’re exploring today to clear up all this mess.

When a Man Says “Mankind” and it’s a Problem

Dear agony aunt,

My DICKHEAD of a husband is going out of his way to wind me up. He keeps saying “mankind” all the time, and texting me and using that word a lot. It’ll be a message like: “Hi babe, we going to go to the restaurant tonight to eat with mankind?” or “hey babe are you going to do my washing for the good of mankind?” and “manking is the main breadwinner babe you need to earn less than me”.

He keeps making typos, too, and uses “manking” and that’s somehow even worse and I’m not even sure why.

I know why he’s doing it. It’s because I bought the Blu-ray special edition of Barbie and we watched it for movie night and now he’s angry because I made him watch a “chick flick” and forced “feminist propaganda” onto him. This man is 43 years old by the way.

So, I came up with a bunch of strategies to screw him over. Figured that’s a healthy way to respond as a mature adult:

• The Neil Armstrong Protocol: Whenever he uses “mankind” I pretend to be an astronaut and start pretend floating around the room, while responding with NASA-like space telemetry jargon. See the below example:
  • “Copy, Houston, the carrier lock and signal-to-noise ratio is OOL, the attitude determination and control system is downlinked, uplink it to reduce the bit error rate and upload the housekeeping data.”
• Blocked on WhatsApp: I’ve blocked him on WhatsApp so I don’t get his “manking” messages. He’s asked me why I never respond to his messages and I tell him it must be because of a bad connection.
• Overuse of Womankind: To wind him up, I’ve been using “womankind” constantly throughout our conversations and regularly remind him that he has a hairy back and only an average sized penis.
• Drunkenness: I’ve also started getting very drunk at random times (for example, on Saturday morning) just to wind him up. This works and he says “Why are you drunk!? It’s Saturday morning!” and I burp loudly and tell him to get back to his kitchen.

It’s fair to say all of this has led to a decline in our marriage situation. We’re not on speaking terms at the moment, which is about the 10th time this month. And you know what? I’m kind of enjoying the peace and quiet.

Do I hear divorce bells?

Hit me with your rhythm stick (i.e. please provide logical feedback).

Yours,

Poppy

Hi there, Poopy! You’ve asked for “logical” feedback, but we’re not that type of agony aunt. We’re more on the illogical side of things. However, we do think you’ve brought your A game to this marital conflict. The fact you can hear divorce bells signals one of two things:

1. You’re having a mental breakdown and need urgent psychiatric assistance
2. The Divorce Gods are calling to you and it is time to dump that zero and find yourself a hero

We’re on first name terms terms with an industry-leading Divorce God, so we’ll forward her number and you can have a lovely chinwag about clinical insanity, manking, humanking, and sandwiches.

Agony Aunt: “Husband says ‘mankind’ can I divorce him?” 🧔‍♂️

Some human males are prone to dialectical and other speech-based errors in judgement. Others are just stupid. Others use “mankind” because they know Neil Armstrong landed on the Moon and said that, so it’s okay.

However, some human females do not think it is “okay”. Indeed, some believe it to be a grave error in spoken incorrectness. And that is what we’re exploring today to clear up all this mess.

When a Man Says “Mankind” and it’s a Problem

Dear agony aunt,

My DICKHEAD of a husband is going out of his way to wind me up. He keeps saying “mankind” all the time, and texting me and using that word a lot. It’ll be a message like: “Hi babe, we going to go to the restaurant tonight to eat with mankind?” or “hey babe are you going to do my washing for the good of mankind?” and “manking is the main breadwinner babe you need to earn less than me”.

He keeps making typos, too, and uses “manking” and that’s somehow even worse and I’m not even sure why.

I know why he’s doing it. It’s because I bought the Blu-ray special edition of Barbie and we watched it for movie night and now he’s angry because I made him watch a “chick flick” and forced “feminist propaganda” onto him. This man is 43 years old by the way.

So, I came up with a bunch of strategies to screw him over. Figured that’s a healthy way to respond as a mature adult:

• The Neil Armstrong Protocol: Whenever he uses “mankind” I pretend to be an astronaut and start pretend floating around the room, while responding with NASA-like space telemetry jargon. See the below example:
  • “Copy, Houston, the carrier lock and signal-to-noise ratio is OOL, the attitude determination and control system is downlinked, uplink it to reduce the bit error rate and upload the housekeeping data.”
• Blocked on WhatsApp: I’ve blocked him on WhatsApp so I don’t get his “manking” messages. He’s asked me why I never respond to his messages and I tell him it must be because of a bad connection.
• Overuse of Womankind: To wind him up, I’ve been using “womankind” constantly throughout our conversations and regularly remind him that he has a hairy back and only an average sized penis.
• Drunkenness: I’ve also started getting very drunk at random times (for example, on Saturday morning) just to wind him up. This works and he says “Why are you drunk!? It’s Saturday morning!” and I burp loudly and tell him to get back to his kitchen.

It’s fair to say all of this has led to a decline in our marriage situation. We’re not on speaking terms at the moment, which is about the 10th time this month. And you know what? I’m kind of enjoying the peace and quiet.

Do I hear divorce bells?

Hit me with your rhythm stick (i.e. please provide logical feedback).

Yours,

Poppy

Hi there, Poopy! You’ve asked for “logical” feedback, but we’re not that type of agony aunt. We’re more on the illogical side of things. However, we do think you’ve brought your A game to this marital conflict. The fact you can hear divorce bells signals one of two things:

1. You’re having a mental breakdown and need urgent psychiatric assistance
2. The Divorce Gods are calling to you and it is time to dump that zero and find yourself a hero

We’re on first name terms terms with an industry-leading Divorce God, so we’ll forward her number and you can have a lovely chinwag about clinical insanity, manking, humanking, and sandwiches.

The Gin Gym: Work Out & Get Wasted 🍸💪🍹 [Sponsored Post]

Do you want to get fit AND be drunk? Then the Gin Gym located off the big roundabout (you know the one) in Preston city centre is the place to go!

Because sweating it out, one drunken blackout at a time, is a CLINICALLY PROVEN (please note, it is not clinically proven) way to get pub body ready.

💪🍸 Gin Gym: Sweat it Out, One Blackout at a Time 🍸💪

Going to the gym and getting wasted is the ultimate biohack, the best of both worlds, and it’s guaranteed to leave you hydrated, dehydrated, and mentally unstable.

Think wellness and rock hard abs is about alkaline water and raw organic kale? Bullshit! Lies! Corruption!

The path to a body of an Adonis is through the ancient science of what we call Anaesthetic Hyper-Training. BECAUSE WHY DO WEAKLINGS FAIL? Pain. That’s why. But when you’re pissed senseless on gin, you won’t be able to tell your body is crying out in agony after your 130th bench press.

Sign up today for £200 a week and train 24/7. That’s because the gym is open 24/7. Yes, you can get drunk and work out whenever you want! Or, join one of our tailored drunken sessions to get you flabby arse in order.

If you sign up today, you’ll get a COMPLETELY FREE pint of gin. Sign up tomorrow and you’ll get a PINT of gin in a HALF PINT glass. Sign up next week and you get sod all.

Gin Gym Class Schedule

We offer daily classes for dedicated alcoholics and other hopeless losers leading aimless lives. These sessions ensure total drunkenness, but also allow you to keep somewhat toned belly flab so as to impress members of the opposite sex.

Sessions start from 6am, include mandatory gym drinking, and last until 8pm (if you’re still conscious, you’ll get a free pint of water to rehydrate yourself):

• 6am – High Intensity Training Liver Power Hour
• 8am – Dance Cardio and Vomiting
• 12am – Slurred Speech Circuit Training
• 3pm – Afternoon Nap
• 5pm – Swimming Lessons (in a 90% gin pool with 10% chlorine)
• 7pm – Drunken Brawl
• 8pm – Sessions Close (Bar Opens)

By 8pm, you’ll have consumed around three pints of gin. Once the bar opens at 8pm, you can then party the night away until you either die from alcohol poisoning or get rushed to hospital to have your stomach pumped.

Gin Gym Special: Chat Up Line Workouts

Our experienced, expert alcoholic gym instructors are also speciality trained in cringeworthy chat up lines. Please note, these have been tried and tested and may (or may not) result in a slap to the face:

• “Are you a Gin & Tonic? Because I like them, and if you are one, that means I like you, too, babe.”
• “Is it hot in here or are we about to cause a localised distillery explosion?”
• “This may just be the gin talking, but one look at you and I think I’m going to have liver failure.”
• “Are you a Sloe gin? Because you look like a terrible decision it’ll take 72 hours to recover from.”
• “You look like a Navy Strength 57% ABV gin. In a good way!”
• “Do you believe in love at first sight, or am I just pissed on gin again?”

Head out into wider society armed with these bad boys, you’ll be sure to pull a 10/10 banger before you can say, “I have consumed far too much gin this fine day”.

The Gin Gym: Work Out & Get Wasted 🍸💪🍹 [Sponsored Post]

Do you want to get fit AND be drunk? Then the Gin Gym located off the big roundabout (you know the one) in Preston city centre is the place to go!

Because sweating it out, one drunken blackout at a time, is a CLINICALLY PROVEN (please note, it is not clinically proven) way to get pub body ready.

💪🍸 Gin Gym: Sweat it Out, One Blackout at a Time 🍸💪

Going to the gym and getting wasted is the ultimate biohack, the best of both worlds, and it’s guaranteed to leave you hydrated, dehydrated, and mentally unstable.

Think wellness and rock hard abs is about alkaline water and raw organic kale? Bullshit! Lies! Corruption!

The path to a body of an Adonis is through the ancient science of what we call Anaesthetic Hyper-Training. BECAUSE WHY DO WEAKLINGS FAIL? Pain. That’s why. But when you’re pissed senseless on gin, you won’t be able to tell your body is crying out in agony after your 130th bench press.

Sign up today for £200 a week and train 24/7. That’s because the gym is open 24/7. Yes, you can get drunk and work out whenever you want! Or, join one of our tailored drunken sessions to get you flabby arse in order.

If you sign up today, you’ll get a COMPLETELY FREE pint of gin. Sign up tomorrow and you’ll get a PINT of gin in a HALF PINT glass. Sign up next week and you get sod all.

Gin Gym Class Schedule

We offer daily classes for dedicated alcoholics and other hopeless losers leading aimless lives. These sessions ensure total drunkenness, but also allow you to keep somewhat toned belly flab so as to impress members of the opposite sex.

Sessions start from 6am, include mandatory gym drinking, and last until 8pm (if you’re still conscious, you’ll get a free pint of water to rehydrate yourself):

• 6am – High Intensity Training Liver Power Hour
• 8am – Dance Cardio and Vomiting
• 12am – Slurred Speech Circuit Training
• 3pm – Afternoon Nap
• 5pm – Swimming Lessons (in a 90% gin pool with 10% chlorine)
• 7pm – Drunken Brawl
• 8pm – Sessions Close (Bar Opens)

By 8pm, you’ll have consumed around three pints of gin. Once the bar opens at 8pm, you can then party the night away until you either die from alcohol poisoning or get rushed to hospital to have your stomach pumped.

Gin Gym Special: Chat Up Line Workouts

Our experienced, expert alcoholic gym instructors are also speciality trained in cringeworthy chat up lines. Please note, these have been tried and tested and may (or may not) result in a slap to the face:

• “Are you a Gin & Tonic? Because I like them, and if you are one, that means I like you, too, babe.”
• “Is it hot in here or are we about to cause a localised distillery explosion?”
• “This may just be the gin talking, but one look at you and I think I’m going to have liver failure.”
• “Are you a Sloe gin? Because you look like a terrible decision it’ll take 72 hours to recover from.”
• “You look like a Navy Strength 57% ABV gin. In a good way!”
• “Do you believe in love at first sight, or am I just pissed on gin again?”

Head out into wider society armed with these bad boys, you’ll be sure to pull a 10/10 banger before you can say, “I have consumed far too much gin this fine day”.

The Gin Gym: Work Out & Get Wasted 🍸💪🍹 [Sponsored Post]

Do you want to get fit AND be drunk? Then the Gin Gym located off the big roundabout (you know the one) in Preston city centre is the place to go!

Because sweating it out, one drunken blackout at a time, is a CLINICALLY PROVEN (please note, it is not clinically proven) way to get pub body ready.

💪🍸 Gin Gym: Sweat it Out, One Blackout at a Time 🍸💪

Going to the gym and getting wasted is the ultimate biohack, the best of both worlds, and it’s guaranteed to leave you hydrated, dehydrated, and mentally unstable.

Think wellness and rock hard abs is about alkaline water and raw organic kale? Bullshit! Lies! Corruption!

The path to a body of an Adonis is through the ancient science of what we call Anaesthetic Hyper-Training. BECAUSE WHY DO WEAKLINGS FAIL? Pain. That’s why. But when you’re pissed senseless on gin, you won’t be able to tell your body is crying out in agony after your 130th bench press.

Sign up today for £200 a week and train 24/7. That’s because the gym is open 24/7. Yes, you can get drunk and work out whenever you want! Or, join one of our tailored drunken sessions to get you flabby arse in order.

If you sign up today, you’ll get a COMPLETELY FREE pint of gin. Sign up tomorrow and you’ll get a PINT of gin in a HALF PINT glass. Sign up next week and you get sod all.

Gin Gym Class Schedule

We offer daily classes for dedicated alcoholics and other hopeless losers leading aimless lives. These sessions ensure total drunkenness, but also allow you to keep somewhat toned belly flab so as to impress members of the opposite sex.

Sessions start from 6am, include mandatory gym drinking, and last until 8pm (if you’re still conscious, you’ll get a free pint of water to rehydrate yourself):

• 6am – High Intensity Training Liver Power Hour
• 8am – Dance Cardio and Vomiting
• 12am – Slurred Speech Circuit Training
• 3pm – Afternoon Nap
• 5pm – Swimming Lessons (in a 90% gin pool with 10% chlorine)
• 7pm – Drunken Brawl
• 8pm – Sessions Close (Bar Opens)

By 8pm, you’ll have consumed around three pints of gin. Once the bar opens at 8pm, you can then party the night away until you either die from alcohol poisoning or get rushed to hospital to have your stomach pumped.

Gin Gym Special: Chat Up Line Workouts

Our experienced, expert alcoholic gym instructors are also speciality trained in cringeworthy chat up lines. Please note, these have been tried and tested and may (or may not) result in a slap to the face:

• “Are you a Gin & Tonic? Because I like them, and if you are one, that means I like you, too, babe.”
• “Is it hot in here or are we about to cause a localised distillery explosion?”
• “This may just be the gin talking, but one look at you and I think I’m going to have liver failure.”
• “Are you a Sloe gin? Because you look like a terrible decision it’ll take 72 hours to recover from.”
• “You look like a Navy Strength 57% ABV gin. In a good way!”
• “Do you believe in love at first sight, or am I just pissed on gin again?”

Head out into wider society armed with these bad boys, you’ll be sure to pull a 10/10 banger before you can say, “I have consumed far too much gin this fine day”.

The Gin Gym: Work Out & Get Wasted 🍸💪🍹 [Sponsored Post]

Do you want to get fit AND be drunk? Then the Gin Gym located off the big roundabout (you know the one) in Preston city centre is the place to go!

Because sweating it out, one drunken blackout at a time, is a CLINICALLY PROVEN (please note, it is not clinically proven) way to get pub body ready.

💪🍸 Gin Gym: Sweat it Out, One Blackout at a Time 🍸💪

Going to the gym and getting wasted is the ultimate biohack, the best of both worlds, and it’s guaranteed to leave you hydrated, dehydrated, and mentally unstable.

Think wellness and rock hard abs is about alkaline water and raw organic kale? Bullshit! Lies! Corruption!

The path to a body of an Adonis is through the ancient science of what we call Anaesthetic Hyper-Training. BECAUSE WHY DO WEAKLINGS FAIL? Pain. That’s why. But when you’re pissed senseless on gin, you won’t be able to tell your body is crying out in agony after your 130th bench press.

Sign up today for £200 a week and train 24/7. That’s because the gym is open 24/7. Yes, you can get drunk and work out whenever you want! Or, join one of our tailored drunken sessions to get you flabby arse in order.

If you sign up today, you’ll get a COMPLETELY FREE pint of gin. Sign up tomorrow and you’ll get a PINT of gin in a HALF PINT glass. Sign up next week and you get sod all.

Gin Gym Class Schedule

We offer daily classes for dedicated alcoholics and other hopeless losers leading aimless lives. These sessions ensure total drunkenness, but also allow you to keep somewhat toned belly flab so as to impress members of the opposite sex.

Sessions start from 6am, include mandatory gym drinking, and last until 8pm (if you’re still conscious, you’ll get a free pint of water to rehydrate yourself):

• 6am – High Intensity Training Liver Power Hour
• 8am – Dance Cardio and Vomiting
• 12am – Slurred Speech Circuit Training
• 3pm – Afternoon Nap
• 5pm – Swimming Lessons (in a 90% gin pool with 10% chlorine)
• 7pm – Drunken Brawl
• 8pm – Sessions Close (Bar Opens)

By 8pm, you’ll have consumed around three pints of gin. Once the bar opens at 8pm, you can then party the night away until you either die from alcohol poisoning or get rushed to hospital to have your stomach pumped.

Gin Gym Special: Chat Up Line Workouts

Our experienced, expert alcoholic gym instructors are also speciality trained in cringeworthy chat up lines. Please note, these have been tried and tested and may (or may not) result in a slap to the face:

• “Are you a Gin & Tonic? Because I like them, and if you are one, that means I like you, too, babe.”
• “Is it hot in here or are we about to cause a localised distillery explosion?”
• “This may just be the gin talking, but one look at you and I think I’m going to have liver failure.”
• “Are you a Sloe gin? Because you look like a terrible decision it’ll take 72 hours to recover from.”
• “You look like a Navy Strength 57% ABV gin. In a good way!”
• “Do you believe in love at first sight, or am I just pissed on gin again?”

Head out into wider society armed with these bad boys, you’ll be sure to pull a 10/10 banger before you can say, “I have consumed far too much gin this fine day”.

Bone Broth: Prolific Death Metal Band Big on Bouillon 🥣

Some death metal bands are more focussed on nutritional broth-based foodstuffs than others. Bone Broth was a classic example, the 1993-1995 rockers who earned a cult following, before disbanding over broth-based differences.

This isn’t a tragic rock story, but it is one about broth, cooking, death metal, and learning to not even bother having a go because you’re probably not good enough.

The Rise and Boiling of Bone Broth: Death Metal’s Greatest Soup

Bone Broth formed in 1990. The band members were all working in a local steak restaurant and wanted to stick it to the rat race, so after three years of further mundane worked and delaying their instincts, they formed in 1993, released 17 albums over the next two years, but this excessive output was considered excessive and also led to a drop in musical quality.

Lead singer Bob “Bonesy” Jefferson told us, as part of an exclusive interview:

“You know, we were feeling the pressure, you know? Erm… you know? 17 albums in two years will, you know, take it, er, out of anyone, you know? There are only so many bone broth type songs you can actually write, you know? I reckon we did well, you know, writing 150 songs about it in such a short space of time, you know?”

After Bonesy was fired from the restaurant for urinating in the broth, the other members quit with him and formed the band. Bonesy noted:

“Yeah, you know, I did it. So what? I piddled in the soup, you know? I don’t regret it, you know, why should I? Had that not happened, you know, I’d never have written our best selling single Rabies Cheese and the Onset of Athlete’s Foot. You know?”

In a drunken celebration after leaving the restaurant, one fine evening in August of 1993 Bonesy wrote 35 songs for their debut album. This album is the cult classic Rabies Cheese and the Onset of Athlete’s Foot, with the eponymous lead single from this album charting 135th on the US Billboard Hot 100.

Spurred on by this success, he wrote 15 albums in three weeks, arguably the greatest achievement in the history of music. Bonesy told us:

“Some say I’m an genius, you know, and whom I am to say they is wrong, you know? They’re probably right, you know? 15 albums… it was a blur. I was up until 5am, sometimes not sleeping at all, you know? Just me, pen and paper, and a never-ending list of broth songs, you know?”

With 15 albums and 130 songs to play to new fans, the band hit the road and toured America in rundown venues offering low pay. As that didn’t result in fame and fortune, friction within the band reached boiling point.

Breakup: The Great Bouillon Betrayal

In August 1995, drummer Johnny “Lobster Bisque” Bridges was found snorting beef stock cubes behind a venue, right before a gig. Bonesy told us:

“I rounded on him, you know? What the fuck was he playing at, you know?! I was out of it on cocaine all day and night and what’s that layabout doing? He’s on… beef stock cubes [Bonesy puts his head in his hands at this point and sighs]. We knew then we’d have to disband immediately or Lobster Bisque was done for.”

Bonesy wrote two more albums in three days about beef stock cube addiction, then disbanded the group (to the protestations of the other members), and went 100% vegan.

“I was not having Lobster Bisque overdosing on beef stock cubes on me. I was not having Bone Broth turning into another rock and roll tragedy, you know? So, I opened a vegan café and in 2001 was arrested for being a communist.”

Bonesy is still in jail to this day. In 2022, he finally gave in to pressure and reformed Bone Broth. The members now perform prison-based gigs for the convicted criminals locked up, most of whom are fans of soup.

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

*sung as if Sublime’s Santeria*

♫ I don’t practice Trumporrhea
I don’t got explosive poops
But, if we had some public health
not just some stupid dupes
Then we could fine that Taylor
And then send their stock to hell
Well, I’d fed that bad CEO all the shit they sell ♫

#cyclospora #TaylorFarms #parody #funny #parasite #satirical #diarrhea

*sung as if Sublime’s Santeria*

♫ I don’t practice Trumporrhea
I don’t got explosive poops
But, if we had some public health
not just some stupid dupes
Then we could fine that Taylor
And then send their stock to hell
Well, I’d fed that bad CEO all the shit they sell ♫

#cyclospora #TaylorFarms #parody #funny #parasite #satirical #diarrhea

*sung as if Sublime’s Santeria*

♫ I don’t practice Trumporrhea
I don’t got explosive poops
But, if we had some public health
not just some stupid dupes
Then we could fine that Taylor
And then send their stock to hell
Well, I’d fed that bad CEO all the shit they sell ♫

#cyclospora #TaylorFarms #parody #funny #parasite #satirical #diarrhea

*sung as if Sublime’s Santeria*

♫ I don’t practice Trumporrhea
I don’t got explosive poops
But, if we had some public health
not just some stupid dupes
Then we could fine that Taylor
And then send their stock to hell
Well, I’d fed that bad CEO all the shit they sell ♫

#cyclospora #TaylorFarms #parody #funny #parasite #satirical #diarrhea