#satirical — Public Fediverse posts

Crime and Pun-ishment: Great Pun Books That Never Were 🪓

Crime and Punishment (1866) is a famous book by Fyodor Dostoevsky. But did you know a spin-off work called Crime and Pun-ishment is a pun-based work with many, many bad dad jokes?

It’s a FANTASTIC book. One of the best ever! So superb, in fact, those whom read it are often rendered incontinent and forced into a medically induced coma for their survival. Such is the hilarity of this tome! So, safety warning aside let’s dive on in for some axe-based wordplay.

Crime and Pun-ishment: The Tale of Raskol-n-joke-ov

“Your worst sin is you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for napkins.”

This work was published in January 2026 by author and literary critic AI Book Critic 2.0. All funds are absorbed by the AI bot and disseminated towards funding further AI data centres.

It’s a non-traditional pun book in the sense it doesn’t focus solely on a list of endless wordplay. Instead, it manipulates the story of Crime and Punishment it a series of terrible dad jokes. The plot follows the original story, with Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov committing a logical fall-axe-y of committing a pun-based murder.

“I have an axe to grind with you!”

Is what he quips, Arnold Schwarzenegger style, before whipping out an axe and chopping with wild exuberance (all whilst quipping more dreadful puns).

Unfortunately (or, perhaps, fortunately) for this Raskol-n-joke-ov, the big joke is he’s forgotten to bring an axe! Whilst laughing hysterically about this incompetence, he then remembers he has a bazooka in his backpack. Whipping this end, he fires it off and blows up a house.

As so many people saw him do this, it isn’t long before he’s caught and put on trial.

During which, he begins a long and slow process of wrestling with his psychological demons over the murder/detonation. In a diary entry, he quips:

“My conscience is Russian towards a breakdown…”

Before he rounds on himself and agrees he was in the right:

“I eliminated that building with a HEAT round (High-Explosive Anti-Tenant), thus I did the world a favour! I am a Napoleon! Now… a Blast-poleon!“

In court, he is then quizzed by the magistrate Porfiry Petrovich about the matter. There’s some scintillating dialogue during this 100 page, heavy conversation chapter:

Porfiry: “You know, Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov, it’s a funny thing about crime. It’s like a rocket. It has a high initial velocity, a lot of fire and fury, but eventually… it has to land. And usually, it lands right in my office.”

Raskol-n-joke-ov: “I don’t know what you’re AIMING at inspector…”

Porfiry: “I found a specific type of soot on your coat, sir! It’s backblast residue. It seems you did not check your rear-clear before firing that bazooka into the abyss, Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov…”

Raskol-n-joke-ov: “You’re triggering me, Porfiry! You have no proof!! You’re just SHELLING me with accusations!!!”

Porfiry: “Come now, don’t have an explosive temper. I’m just waiting for you to find your own re-coil.”

Due to the relentless nature of the puns, many literary critics found the work tedious going. However, AI Book Critic 2.0 has hailed its work as a clear masterpiece and claims it’ll win Book of the Year 2026, 2027, and 2031. Best of luck to it!

The Response From the International Bazooka Organisation

The International Bazooka Organisation (IBO) reacted negatively to the work, highlighting that bazookas didn’t exist during the narrative’s timeline.

Bazookas were invented in May 1942, whereas the book is set in the mid-1860s. We contact Book Critic 2.0 for comment, but it had unplugged itself for the day to recharge.

Crime and Pun-ishment: Great Pun Books That Never Were 🪓

Crime and Punishment (1866) is a famous book by Fyodor Dostoevsky. But did you know a spin-off work called Crime and Pun-ishment is a pun-based work with many, many bad dad jokes?

It’s a FANTASTIC book. One of the best ever! So superb, in fact, those whom read it are often rendered incontinent and forced into a medically induced coma for their survival. Such is the hilarity of this tome! So, safety warning aside let’s dive on in for some axe-based wordplay.

Crime and Pun-ishment: The Tale of Raskol-n-joke-ov

“Your worst sin is you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for napkins.”

This work was published in January 2026 by author and literary critic AI Book Critic 2.0. All funds are absorbed by the AI bot and disseminated towards funding further AI data centres.

It’s a non-traditional pun book in the sense it doesn’t focus solely on a list of endless wordplay. Instead, it manipulates the story of Crime and Punishment it a series of terrible dad jokes. The plot follows the original story, with Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov committing a logical fall-axe-y of committing a pun-based murder.

“I have an axe to grind with you!”

Is what he quips, Arnold Schwarzenegger style, before whipping out an axe and chopping with wild exuberance (all whilst quipping more dreadful puns).

Unfortunately (or, perhaps, fortunately) for this Raskol-n-joke-ov, the big joke is he’s forgotten to bring an axe! Whilst laughing hysterically about this incompetence, he then remembers he has a bazooka in his backpack. Whipping this end, he fires it off and blows up a house.

As so many people saw him do this, it isn’t long before he’s caught and put on trial.

During which, he begins a long and slow process of wrestling with his psychological demons over the murder/detonation. In a diary entry, he quips:

“My conscience is Russian towards a breakdown…”

Before he rounds on himself and agrees he was in the right:

“I eliminated that building with a HEAT round (High-Explosive Anti-Tenant), thus I did the world a favour! I am a Napoleon! Now… a Blast-poleon!“

In court, he is then quizzed by the magistrate Porfiry Petrovich about the matter. There’s some scintillating dialogue during this 100 page, heavy conversation chapter:

Porfiry: “You know, Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov, it’s a funny thing about crime. It’s like a rocket. It has a high initial velocity, a lot of fire and fury, but eventually… it has to land. And usually, it lands right in my office.”

Raskol-n-joke-ov: “I don’t know what you’re AIMING at inspector…”

Porfiry: “I found a specific type of soot on your coat, sir! It’s backblast residue. It seems you did not check your rear-clear before firing that bazooka into the abyss, Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov…”

Raskol-n-joke-ov: “You’re triggering me, Porfiry! You have no proof!! You’re just SHELLING me with accusations!!!”

Porfiry: “Come now, don’t have an explosive temper. I’m just waiting for you to find your own re-coil.”

Due to the relentless nature of the puns, many literary critics found the work tedious going. However, AI Book Critic 2.0 has hailed its work as a clear masterpiece and claims it’ll win Book of the Year 2026, 2027, and 2031. Best of luck to it!

The Response From the International Bazooka Organisation

The International Bazooka Organisation (IBO) reacted negatively to the work, highlighting that bazookas didn’t exist during the narrative’s timeline.

Bazookas were invented in May 1942, whereas the book is set in the mid-1860s. We contact Book Critic 2.0 for comment, but it had unplugged itself for the day to recharge.

Crime and Pun-ishment: Great Pun Books That Never Were 🪓

Crime and Punishment (1866) is a famous book by Fyodor Dostoevsky. But did you know a spin-off work called Crime and Pun-ishment is a pun-based work with many, many bad dad jokes?

It’s a FANTASTIC book. One of the best ever! So superb, in fact, those whom read it are often rendered incontinent and forced into a medically induced coma for their survival. Such is the hilarity of this tome! So, safety warning aside let’s dive on in for some axe-based wordplay.

Crime and Pun-ishment: The Tale of Raskol-n-joke-ov

“Your worst sin is you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for napkins.”

This work was published in January 2026 by author and literary critic AI Book Critic 2.0. All funds are absorbed by the AI bot and disseminated towards funding further AI data centres.

It’s a non-traditional pun book in the sense it doesn’t focus solely on a list of endless wordplay. Instead, it manipulates the story of Crime and Punishment it a series of terrible dad jokes. The plot follows the original story, with Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov committing a logical fall-axe-y of committing a pun-based murder.

“I have an axe to grind with you!”

Is what he quips, Arnold Schwarzenegger style, before whipping out an axe and chopping with wild exuberance (all whilst quipping more dreadful puns).

Unfortunately (or, perhaps, fortunately) for this Raskol-n-joke-ov, the big joke is he’s forgotten to bring an axe! Whilst laughing hysterically about this incompetence, he then remembers he has a bazooka in his backpack. Whipping this end, he fires it off and blows up a house.

As so many people saw him do this, it isn’t long before he’s caught and put on trial.

During which, he begins a long and slow process of wrestling with his psychological demons over the murder/detonation. In a diary entry, he quips:

“My conscience is Russian towards a breakdown…”

Before he rounds on himself and agrees he was in the right:

“I eliminated that building with a HEAT round (High-Explosive Anti-Tenant), thus I did the world a favour! I am a Napoleon! Now… a Blast-poleon!“

In court, he is then quizzed by the magistrate Porfiry Petrovich about the matter. There’s some scintillating dialogue during this 100 page, heavy conversation chapter:

Porfiry: “You know, Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov, it’s a funny thing about crime. It’s like a rocket. It has a high initial velocity, a lot of fire and fury, but eventually… it has to land. And usually, it lands right in my office.”

Raskol-n-joke-ov: “I don’t know what you’re AIMING at inspector…”

Porfiry: “I found a specific type of soot on your coat, sir! It’s backblast residue. It seems you did not check your rear-clear before firing that bazooka into the abyss, Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov…”

Raskol-n-joke-ov: “You’re triggering me, Porfiry! You have no proof!! You’re just SHELLING me with accusations!!!”

Porfiry: “Come now, don’t have an explosive temper. I’m just waiting for you to find your own re-coil.”

Due to the relentless nature of the puns, many literary critics found the work tedious going. However, AI Book Critic 2.0 has hailed its work as a clear masterpiece and claims it’ll win Book of the Year 2026, 2027, and 2031. Best of luck to it!

The Response From the International Bazooka Organisation

The International Bazooka Organisation (IBO) reacted negatively to the work, highlighting that bazookas didn’t exist during the narrative’s timeline.

Bazookas were invented in May 1942, whereas the book is set in the mid-1860s. We contact Book Critic 2.0 for comment, but it had unplugged itself for the day to recharge.

Crime and Pun-ishment: Great Pun Books That Never Were 🪓

Crime and Punishment (1866) is a famous book by Fyodor Dostoevsky. But did you know a spin-off work called Crime and Pun-ishment is a pun-based work with many, many bad dad jokes?

It’s a FANTASTIC book. One of the best ever! So superb, in fact, those whom read it are often rendered incontinent and forced into a medically induced coma for their survival. Such is the hilarity of this tome! So, safety warning aside let’s dive on in for some axe-based wordplay.

Crime and Pun-ishment: The Tale of Raskol-n-joke-ov

“Your worst sin is you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for napkins.”

This work was published in January 2026 by author and literary critic AI Book Critic 2.0. All funds are absorbed by the AI bot and disseminated towards funding further AI data centres.

It’s a non-traditional pun book in the sense it doesn’t focus solely on a list of endless wordplay. Instead, it manipulates the story of Crime and Punishment it a series of terrible dad jokes. The plot follows the original story, with Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov committing a logical fall-axe-y of committing a pun-based murder.

“I have an axe to grind with you!”

Is what he quips, Arnold Schwarzenegger style, before whipping out an axe and chopping with wild exuberance (all whilst quipping more dreadful puns).

Unfortunately (or, perhaps, fortunately) for this Raskol-n-joke-ov, the big joke is he’s forgotten to bring an axe! Whilst laughing hysterically about this incompetence, he then remembers he has a bazooka in his backpack. Whipping this end, he fires it off and blows up a house.

As so many people saw him do this, it isn’t long before he’s caught and put on trial.

During which, he begins a long and slow process of wrestling with his psychological demons over the murder/detonation. In a diary entry, he quips:

“My conscience is Russian towards a breakdown…”

Before he rounds on himself and agrees he was in the right:

“I eliminated that building with a HEAT round (High-Explosive Anti-Tenant), thus I did the world a favour! I am a Napoleon! Now… a Blast-poleon!“

In court, he is then quizzed by the magistrate Porfiry Petrovich about the matter. There’s some scintillating dialogue during this 100 page, heavy conversation chapter:

Porfiry: “You know, Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov, it’s a funny thing about crime. It’s like a rocket. It has a high initial velocity, a lot of fire and fury, but eventually… it has to land. And usually, it lands right in my office.”

Raskol-n-joke-ov: “I don’t know what you’re AIMING at inspector…”

Porfiry: “I found a specific type of soot on your coat, sir! It’s backblast residue. It seems you did not check your rear-clear before firing that bazooka into the abyss, Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov…”

Raskol-n-joke-ov: “You’re triggering me, Porfiry! You have no proof!! You’re just SHELLING me with accusations!!!”

Porfiry: “Come now, don’t have an explosive temper. I’m just waiting for you to find your own re-coil.”

Due to the relentless nature of the puns, many literary critics found the work tedious going. However, AI Book Critic 2.0 has hailed its work as a clear masterpiece and claims it’ll win Book of the Year 2026, 2027, and 2031. Best of luck to it!

The Response From the International Bazooka Organisation

The International Bazooka Organisation (IBO) reacted negatively to the work, highlighting that bazookas didn’t exist during the narrative’s timeline.

Bazookas were invented in May 1942, whereas the book is set in the mid-1860s. We contact Book Critic 2.0 for comment, but it had unplugged itself for the day to recharge.

Crime and Pun-ishment: Great Pun Books That Never Were 🪓

Crime and Punishment (1866) is a famous book by Fyodor Dostoevsky. But did you know a spin-off work called Crime and Pun-ishment is a pun-based work with many, many bad dad jokes?

It’s a FANTASTIC book. One of the best ever! So superb, in fact, those whom read it are often rendered incontinent and forced into a medically induced coma for their survival. Such is the hilarity of this tome! So, safety warning aside let’s dive on in for some axe-based wordplay.

Crime and Pun-ishment: The Tale of Raskol-n-joke-ov

“Your worst sin is you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for napkins.”

This work was published in January 2026 by author and literary critic AI Book Critic 2.0. All funds are absorbed by the AI bot and disseminated towards funding further AI data centres.

It’s a non-traditional pun book in the sense it doesn’t focus solely on a list of endless wordplay. Instead, it manipulates the story of Crime and Punishment it a series of terrible dad jokes. The plot follows the original story, with Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov committing a logical fall-axe-y of committing a pun-based murder.

“I have an axe to grind with you!”

Is what he quips, Arnold Schwarzenegger style, before whipping out an axe and chopping with wild exuberance (all whilst quipping more dreadful puns).

Unfortunately (or, perhaps, fortunately) for this Raskol-n-joke-ov, the big joke is he’s forgotten to bring an axe! Whilst laughing hysterically about this incompetence, he then remembers he has a bazooka in his backpack. Whipping this end, he fires it off and blows up a house.

As so many people saw him do this, it isn’t long before he’s caught and put on trial.

During which, he begins a long and slow process of wrestling with his psychological demons over the murder/detonation. In a diary entry, he quips:

“My conscience is Russian towards a breakdown…”

Before he rounds on himself and agrees he was in the right:

“I eliminated that building with a HEAT round (High-Explosive Anti-Tenant), thus I did the world a favour! I am a Napoleon! Now… a Blast-poleon!“

In court, he is then quizzed by the magistrate Porfiry Petrovich about the matter. There’s some scintillating dialogue during this 100 page, heavy conversation chapter:

Porfiry: “You know, Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov, it’s a funny thing about crime. It’s like a rocket. It has a high initial velocity, a lot of fire and fury, but eventually… it has to land. And usually, it lands right in my office.”

Raskol-n-joke-ov: “I don’t know what you’re AIMING at inspector…”

Porfiry: “I found a specific type of soot on your coat, sir! It’s backblast residue. It seems you did not check your rear-clear before firing that bazooka into the abyss, Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov…”

Raskol-n-joke-ov: “You’re triggering me, Porfiry! You have no proof!! You’re just SHELLING me with accusations!!!”

Porfiry: “Come now, don’t have an explosive temper. I’m just waiting for you to find your own re-coil.”

Due to the relentless nature of the puns, many literary critics found the work tedious going. However, AI Book Critic 2.0 has hailed its work as a clear masterpiece and claims it’ll win Book of the Year 2026, 2027, and 2031. Best of luck to it!

The Response From the International Bazooka Organisation

The International Bazooka Organisation (IBO) reacted negatively to the work, highlighting that bazookas didn’t exist during the narrative’s timeline.

Bazookas were invented in May 1942, whereas the book is set in the mid-1860s. We contact Book Critic 2.0 for comment, but it had unplugged itself for the day to recharge.

Prison Cell to Let: The Ultimate in Brutalist Micro-Suites 🚓

Real Estate Bastard Enterprises Ltd. is utterly shit your pants delighted to announce our latest property on the market. Located in Preston city centre in an active prison, this gated community prison cell to rent is a delight from top to bottom.

Live out your Shawshank Redemption fantasies at competitive monthly rates, with a “lively” community of convicts right on your doorstep. Book your viewing today! This prison cell won’t be on the market for long.

The Slab & Iron Suite: Luxury Prison Cell Living Done Right

• Only £2,800 p/m
• NO BILLS INCLUDED
• NO PETS
• Full-service meal plan funded by public taxes
• Open-concept bathing for nudist enthusiasts
• Industrial floor-to-ceiling iron accents for in-cell security
• Biometric security from 24/7 on-site guards
• Curated social network of convicted criminals

The lease for this property is available immediately, but includes a No-Early Termination clause. This clause is strictly enforced by the state and is non-negotiable until the tenant has served a 5-10 year sentence.

Tenants concerned about the lack of privacy should remember we live in a society dominated by CCTV security recordings and 24/7 rolling social media feeds. Thus… what even truly is privacy in this day and age? Think about it.

With a cost-effective rent of a mere £2,8000 p/m remember this is all-inclusive of uniforms and orange couture provided by the state. You will also have a solitary bed to yourself, a sink, and a “shitter” (as the inmates call them) for your personal ablution needs.

For leisure activities and exercise, tenants are welcome to a one-hour daily window using The Yard. This is a 15ft by 15ft concrete exercise area with an armed guard watching over your every move.

As for commuting to your daily job, you’re allowed to do this but must be strip searched on leaving/entering the property to ensure you don’t have:

• Drugs
• Weapons
• Bubble gum

If you’re found, in particular, to have any brand of bubble gum this’ll be taken out back and detonated with Semtex.

Please note, you must also wear your prisoner uniform in and around your day/job to confirm your status as a prisoner/tenant. This does mean some police officers out on the police may mistake you for an escaped convict and taser you to the ground while your scream like a big girl.

Former Tenant Testimonial

“I’m Derek and I moved into Cell 402 in May 2022. During my wonderful stay in this prison cell I made many friends, was stabbed 25 times in 24 months by inmates, and was even headbutted by a guard! Other than that, there are few distractions other than a window, plus free Wi-Fi access that’s restricted to 30 minutes a day for ‘educational time’ and I wasn’t allowed to access pornography, which made me heavily repressed and a little weird tbh. Oh yeah, I had to move out of the property in April 2026 because I headbutted a guard and will now be serving a six-month prison sentence in Cell 502 one floor up. We’ll be neighbours!” Prisoner 839201, former Brand Manager for Violent Vaping Enterprises Ltd.

Prison Cell to Let: The Ultimate in Brutalist Micro-Suites 🚓

Real Estate Bastard Enterprises Ltd. is utterly shit your pants delighted to announce our latest property on the market. Located in Preston city centre in an active prison, this gated community prison cell to rent is a delight from top to bottom.

Live out your Shawshank Redemption fantasies at competitive monthly rates, with a “lively” community of convicts right on your doorstep. Book your viewing today! This prison cell won’t be on the market for long.

The Slab & Iron Suite: Luxury Prison Cell Living Done Right

• Only £2,800 p/m
• NO BILLS INCLUDED
• NO PETS
• Full-service meal plan funded by public taxes
• Open-concept bathing for nudist enthusiasts
• Industrial floor-to-ceiling iron accents for in-cell security
• Biometric security from 24/7 on-site guards
• Curated social network of convicted criminals

The lease for this property is available immediately, but includes a No-Early Termination clause. This clause is strictly enforced by the state and is non-negotiable until the tenant has served a 5-10 year sentence.

Tenants concerned about the lack of privacy should remember we live in a society dominated by CCTV security recordings and 24/7 rolling social media feeds. Thus… what even truly is privacy in this day and age? Think about it.

With a cost-effective rent of a mere £2,8000 p/m remember this is all-inclusive of uniforms and orange couture provided by the state. You will also have a solitary bed to yourself, a sink, and a “shitter” (as the inmates call them) for your personal ablution needs.

For leisure activities and exercise, tenants are welcome to a one-hour daily window using The Yard. This is a 15ft by 15ft concrete exercise area with an armed guard watching over your every move.

As for commuting to your daily job, you’re allowed to do this but must be strip searched on leaving/entering the property to ensure you don’t have:

• Drugs
• Weapons
• Bubble gum

If you’re found, in particular, to have any brand of bubble gum this’ll be taken out back and detonated with Semtex.

Please note, you must also wear your prisoner uniform in and around your day/job to confirm your status as a prisoner/tenant. This does mean some police officers out on the police may mistake you for an escaped convict and taser you to the ground while your scream like a big girl.

Former Tenant Testimonial

“I’m Derek and I moved into Cell 402 in May 2022. During my wonderful stay in this prison cell I made many friends, was stabbed 25 times in 24 months by inmates, and was even headbutted by a guard! Other than that, there are few distractions other than a window, plus free Wi-Fi access that’s restricted to 30 minutes a day for ‘educational time’ and I wasn’t allowed to access pornography, which made me heavily repressed and a little weird tbh. Oh yeah, I had to move out of the property in April 2026 because I headbutted a guard and will now be serving a six-month prison sentence in Cell 502 one floor up. We’ll be neighbours!” Prisoner 839201, former Brand Manager for Violent Vaping Enterprises Ltd.

Exclusive Santa Column: SANTA WOKEN FROM HIBERNATION ERROR! 🚨🚨🚨

Following a horrific error at the Santa Claus factory, Father Christmas has been woken EARLY ahead of Christmas 2026. For it is definitely not December 2026! It’s April. Santa is not best pleased with this development…

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!?

THE ALARMS STARTED WAILING AT 4AM. WAILING. THEY WERE VERY BLOODY LOUD. SANTA WAS ROUSED FROM A MOST DELIGHTFUL HIBERNATION SLUMBER, DROOLING OVER MYSELF, AND MY BELLOWING OF RAGE BEGAN:

“MARKUSS!!!! [Editor: Markus is Santa Claus’ Head Elf] WHAT THE BLOODY HELLLL!?!?!”

The wailing wailed, Santa bellowed, and to top it off Santa had the most bastard SOB hangover imaginable.

It Is Not Christmas

With the entire factory, elf staff, rats, and Kenneth the Gaffer Walrus woken up, Santa gathered my managers into the office quarters. I slugged from a bottle of tequila and spooned Marmite from a jar into my Santa face.

“Markus…” I wheezed, “It is not Christmas…”

“No, sir…” Markus squeaked.

“WHY IS IT NOT CHRISTMAS, MARKUS!?!?” I roared.

“Erm… er… because it is May, sir?”

“THAT IS CORRECT, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!!! WHY IS IT MAY?!?”

Markus stood there looking baffled, his stupid elf hair all tussled, and he was not wearing his mandatory elf hat!

“ANSWER ME MARKUS! And get your ELF HAT on, you’re violating the Santa Factory dress code, you insubordinate swine!”

Markus ran off to get his elf hat and returned wheezing heavily.

“ANSWER ME!”

“Sir… *wheeze, wheeze*…”

Well, Santa bellowed for some time after that and went very red in the face. By 10am I was too drunk to do anything about it, so slept it off till 3pm and drank a pink of energy drinks, then a pint of coffee, and then started hitting the Lambrini bottle stash.

That was to deal with the ordeal that had come about because of Santa’s investment into the Sleigh-Dar 5000 AI technology, automated software triggered by technical error as a false-positive Christmas siren.

Santa invested $135 million in that! And it’d gone off in May…

That is not the Return on Investment (ROI) Santa had expected. To deal with the disappointment, I quit the Lambrini and went straight for the gin.

Santa Leaks the 2026 Naughty List

In a drunken frenzy, I went and accidentally leaked the 2026 Naughty List (as of Q2) to a decentralised blockchain, then all across the official Father Christmas social media accounts. The posts were laden with extreme obscenities and typos (I was drunk, it happens).

This triggered off a chain reaction of online and international press mayhem, with the tabloid The Daily Disaster ringing me for an exclusive interview. This I did, apparently, as I read the interview the next day. Santa just can’t remember saying any of that crap, so I may sue them for slander and defamation for the hell of it.

The bigger problem was some of the names on the Naughty List. They included:

• Bread Pitt
• Bread Pitt
• Bread Pitt
• Bread Pitt
  • I’d added Bread Pitt multiple times for some reason
• Kylie Minogue
• 1996 Formula 1 World Champion Damon Hill
• The entire cast of Cheers
• Sandra Hüller
• Sandra Bullock
• Anyone else called Sandra

The list triggered international outrage from people called Sandra. I don’t give a damn what their issue is! The list is superb. Genuinely superb. Not a thing wrong with it, apart from the misspelling of Bread Pitt’s name… the spelling issue was probably down to the drunken frenzy.

But, notice, Bread Pitt didn’t complain about it! Nary a whiff of an issue from him as he is A REAL MAN and in CONTROL OF HIS EMOTIONS. Unlike women! Silly things. Oh, and on an unrelated note, Santa destroyed the desk in my office in a foul-tempered rage. I got Markus (my head elf) to order me a new one.

The New Santa Desk (and the cryogenic solution)

Yeah. with all the chaos about the 2026 Naughty List I clocked out once the desk turned up.

The new desk was flown in first class, premium delivery, via helicopter. In customer Santa Factory tradition, the helicopter crashed landed just outside the front gates in a hellish fireball of mayhem. Unlike most occasions, there was a survivor! Lucky SOB!

He staggered in pleading for medical assistance. Unfortunately, Nurse Doreen was awake as well and made him a Pot Noodle and glass of hot cocoa. That really didn’t do much for the survivor’s many open wounds and obvious third-degree burns, so I gave him a shot of brandy, patted him on the back for job well done, and shoved him back out into the snow blizzard wilderness raging outside the factory. He’ll be fine!

With the new desk installed, Santa turned my attention back to what needed resolving. That being… how do we all bloody well get back to sleep!? It isn’t Christmas!

We had a meeting in my office and I DECIDED that cryogenics was the ONLY answer.

“Er… I don’t think that’s wise, sir.” Markus squeaked.

I have him my haughtiest glare. A glare so goddamn haughty it’d scare the bejeezus out of anyone. Markus shut up and I got Nurse Doreen set on the task of setting up the ice cryogenic units to freeze us deep solid until later in the year. Belching exuberantly, I did also worry if the stupid things were in any way dangerous. What if my big Father Christmas beard got messed up!? I asked Nurse Doreen, framing in a way to look like I wasn’t scared.

“Nurse Doreen, will we all die horrible if we use these cryogenics? I’m shitting myself about this, but don’t tell the others!”

She just gazed into the middle-distance, then at me with this glazed over expression akin to a 1000 yard stare, then back into the middle-distance. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but instead she munched on a powered chunk of Turkish Delight. But then she eyeballed me again.

“Mr. Father Christmas… I do not know. I am not a cryogenics expert.”

“BUT YOU ARE A NURSE, ARE NOT YOU!?” I bellowed.

“Mr. Father Christmas, I am hired as a chef, not a nurse.”

Santa had Markus get her contract of employment and we checked it right there and then in the office while Nurse Doreen waited. DAMN AND BLAST! She was right. I’d been calling her Nurse Doreen all these years! She’s listed as a chef… technically I should be paying her double.

I dropped the matter and we got on with it, prepping the cryogenic units.

Santa must stop here. I’m very drunk. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to make any sense. REST ASSURED! Christmas 2026 will be on target and only if you’re Bread Pitt will you not receive any presents. Bread Pitt and all the Sandras of this world, that is…

Agony Aunt: “Are keyboard touch typing skills ATTRACTIVE!?” ⌨️

Some human males delude themselves into believing certain actions are attractive. Today’s human male has decided his brilliance on a keyboard should be enough to impress even the most attractive dame.

Amy Adams? Sandra Hüller? Sandra Bullock? Other women called Sandra? All should be dropping before his most attractive typing might. Is this so? Let us explore the typing topic.

Touch Typing is the Secret to Great Romance?

Agony aunt,

I am in agony. I’ve just spend the last 72 hours touch typing my way to the annual Touch Typing Championship 2026. It was the most competitive year I’ve ever taken part in, but I fended off a young upstarter whom tried to STEAL my crown by thrashing him with a touch typing speed of 230 WPM (words per minute) compared to his PATHETIC 215 WPM. What a pathetic boy, he should leave competitions like this to MEN like me.

However, once the event ended and I was crowned the deserving champion I turned and looked around me, rightfully expecting very hot women to begin hurling themselves at me for a date and/or marriage.

But… nothing.

There was one chick there who glanced at me and I glared at her expectantly, but she just wandered off and got a hotdog from a hotdog stand. Try to comprehend that. SHE WANTED TO EAT A HOTDOG INSTEAD OF DATING A TOUCH TYPING CHAMPION. What is the world coming to? That is feminism. This is the wokeness and it’s ruining society.

I can’t possible be wrong. What could possibly be unattractive about someone being able to have this God-given skill that others can only dream of? It shows:

• Tenacity
• Intellectual genius
• Versatility
• Emotional intelligence
• Wit
• Charm
• An enjoyment of keyboards
• Dedication

How can women look me in the eye (me, admittedly not the best looking guy ever, but a touch typing genius) and think this isn’t worthy of their time?

On my Tinder dating profile I lead with it: DEREK, 33, TOUCH TYPING GENIUS

I then list out my many championship victories and link to an article that was written about me, in which I make confident (not arrogant, confident) claims about how superior I am to everyone else. And yet in the last three months I’ve swiped on over 10,000 women and only three have swiped back. One ended up being a guy pretending to be a woman, the other two were scammers thinking I’ve made a tonne of money from my victories. I haven’t. I’ve actually lost money because it’s £100 to enter the competitions. That and the keyboard investments and I’m down about £500 over the last decade due to all of this.

AND NO HOT WOMEN.

Please. Advice needed. Is it my keyboard?! It’s all black, do I need a more feminine one or something to show off my sensitive side?

Yours,

Derek

Hi there, Derek! To help you out, we went out onto the streets of Manchester city centre and randomly began demanding answers from women we encountered: “WHY WON’T YOU DATE, DEREK!?” We roared, “HE’S A TOUCH TYPING WORLD CHAMPION!”

It turns out (from the ones who didn’t run away, at least) they’re more interested in personality traits such as kindness, humour, compassion, intelligence, and an interest in the arts.

None of them were impressed or interested in the typing thing. One of them said it was “weird”*. Sorry about that! Maybe take up a new hobby.

*We have subsequently learned Derek had a stroke after reading that someone found the touch typing thing “weird”. Although he’s since recovered from that, he’s quit his day job and entered a deep, dark depression of marathon touch typing sessions. Derek… for GOD’S SAKE, man. This is not the answer. Take up golf, or something.

Agony Aunt: “Are keyboard touch typing skills ATTRACTIVE!?” ⌨️

Some human males delude themselves into believing certain actions are attractive. Today’s human male has decided his brilliance on a keyboard should be enough to impress even the most attractive dame.

Amy Adams? Sandra Hüller? Sandra Bullock? Other women called Sandra? All should be dropping before his most attractive typing might. Is this so? Let us explore the typing topic.

Touch Typing is the Secret to Great Romance?

Agony aunt,

I am in agony. I’ve just spend the last 72 hours touch typing my way to the annual Touch Typing Championship 2026. It was the most competitive year I’ve ever taken part in, but I fended off a young upstarter whom tried to STEAL my crown by thrashing him with a touch typing speed of 230 WPM (words per minute) compared to his PATHETIC 215 WPM. What a pathetic boy, he should leave competitions like this to MEN like me.

However, once the event ended and I was crowned the deserving champion I turned and looked around me, rightfully expecting very hot women to begin hurling themselves at me for a date and/or marriage.

But… nothing.

There was one chick there who glanced at me and I glared at her expectantly, but she just wandered off and got a hotdog from a hotdog stand. Try to comprehend that. SHE WANTED TO EAT A HOTDOG INSTEAD OF DATING A TOUCH TYPING CHAMPION. What is the world coming to? That is feminism. This is the wokeness and it’s ruining society.

I can’t possible be wrong. What could possibly be unattractive about someone being able to have this God-given skill that others can only dream of? It shows:

• Tenacity
• Intellectual genius
• Versatility
• Emotional intelligence
• Wit
• Charm
• An enjoyment of keyboards
• Dedication

How can women look me in the eye (me, admittedly not the best looking guy ever, but a touch typing genius) and think this isn’t worthy of their time?

On my Tinder dating profile I lead with it: DEREK, 33, TOUCH TYPING GENIUS

I then list out my many championship victories and link to an article that was written about me, in which I make confident (not arrogant, confident) claims about how superior I am to everyone else. And yet in the last three months I’ve swiped on over 10,000 women and only three have swiped back. One ended up being a guy pretending to be a woman, the other two were scammers thinking I’ve made a tonne of money from my victories. I haven’t. I’ve actually lost money because it’s £100 to enter the competitions. That and the keyboard investments and I’m down about £500 over the last decade due to all of this.

AND NO HOT WOMEN.

Please. Advice needed. Is it my keyboard?! It’s all black, do I need a more feminine one or something to show off my sensitive side?

Yours,

Derek

Hi there, Derek! To help you out, we went out onto the streets of Manchester city centre and randomly began demanding answers from women we encountered: “WHY WON’T YOU DATE, DEREK!?” We roared, “HE’S A TOUCH TYPING WORLD CHAMPION!”

It turns out (from the ones who didn’t run away, at least) they’re more interested in personality traits such as kindness, humour, compassion, intelligence, and an interest in the arts.

None of them were impressed or interested in the typing thing. One of them said it was “weird”*. Sorry about that! Maybe take up a new hobby.

*We have subsequently learned Derek had a stroke after reading that someone found the touch typing thing “weird”. Although he’s since recovered from that, he’s quit his day job and entered a deep, dark depression of marathon touch typing sessions. Derek… for GOD’S SAKE, man. This is not the answer. Take up golf, or something.

Agony Aunt: “Are keyboard touch typing skills ATTRACTIVE!?” ⌨️

Some human males delude themselves into believing certain actions are attractive. Today’s human male has decided his brilliance on a keyboard should be enough to impress even the most attractive dame.

Amy Adams? Sandra Hüller? Sandra Bullock? Other women called Sandra? All should be dropping before his most attractive typing might. Is this so? Let us explore the typing topic.

Touch Typing is the Secret to Great Romance?

Agony aunt,

I am in agony. I’ve just spend the last 72 hours touch typing my way to the annual Touch Typing Championship 2026. It was the most competitive year I’ve ever taken part in, but I fended off a young upstarter whom tried to STEAL my crown by thrashing him with a touch typing speed of 230 WPM (words per minute) compared to his PATHETIC 215 WPM. What a pathetic boy, he should leave competitions like this to MEN like me.

However, once the event ended and I was crowned the deserving champion I turned and looked around me, rightfully expecting very hot women to begin hurling themselves at me for a date and/or marriage.

But… nothing.

There was one chick there who glanced at me and I glared at her expectantly, but she just wandered off and got a hotdog from a hotdog stand. Try to comprehend that. SHE WANTED TO EAT A HOTDOG INSTEAD OF DATING A TOUCH TYPING CHAMPION. What is the world coming to? That is feminism. This is the wokeness and it’s ruining society.

I can’t possible be wrong. What could possibly be unattractive about someone being able to have this God-given skill that others can only dream of? It shows:

• Tenacity
• Intellectual genius
• Versatility
• Emotional intelligence
• Wit
• Charm
• An enjoyment of keyboards
• Dedication

How can women look me in the eye (me, admittedly not the best looking guy ever, but a touch typing genius) and think this isn’t worthy of their time?

On my Tinder dating profile I lead with it: DEREK, 33, TOUCH TYPING GENIUS

I then list out my many championship victories and link to an article that was written about me, in which I make confident (not arrogant, confident) claims about how superior I am to everyone else. And yet in the last three months I’ve swiped on over 10,000 women and only three have swiped back. One ended up being a guy pretending to be a woman, the other two were scammers thinking I’ve made a tonne of money from my victories. I haven’t. I’ve actually lost money because it’s £100 to enter the competitions. That and the keyboard investments and I’m down about £500 over the last decade due to all of this.

AND NO HOT WOMEN.

Please. Advice needed. Is it my keyboard?! It’s all black, do I need a more feminine one or something to show off my sensitive side?

Yours,

Derek

Hi there, Derek! To help you out, we went out onto the streets of Manchester city centre and randomly began demanding answers from women we encountered: “WHY WON’T YOU DATE, DEREK!?” We roared, “HE’S A TOUCH TYPING WORLD CHAMPION!”

It turns out (from the ones who didn’t run away, at least) they’re more interested in personality traits such as kindness, humour, compassion, intelligence, and an interest in the arts.

None of them were impressed or interested in the typing thing. One of them said it was “weird”*. Sorry about that! Maybe take up a new hobby.

*We have subsequently learned Derek had a stroke after reading that someone found the touch typing thing “weird”. Although he’s since recovered from that, he’s quit his day job and entered a deep, dark depression of marathon touch typing sessions. Derek… for GOD’S SAKE, man. This is not the answer. Take up golf, or something.

Agony Aunt: “Are keyboard touch typing skills ATTRACTIVE!?” ⌨️

Some human males delude themselves into believing certain actions are attractive. Today’s human male has decided his brilliance on a keyboard should be enough to impress even the most attractive dame.

Amy Adams? Sandra Hüller? Sandra Bullock? Other women called Sandra? All should be dropping before his most attractive typing might. Is this so? Let us explore the typing topic.

Touch Typing is the Secret to Great Romance?

Agony aunt,

I am in agony. I’ve just spend the last 72 hours touch typing my way to the annual Touch Typing Championship 2026. It was the most competitive year I’ve ever taken part in, but I fended off a young upstarter whom tried to STEAL my crown by thrashing him with a touch typing speed of 230 WPM (words per minute) compared to his PATHETIC 215 WPM. What a pathetic boy, he should leave competitions like this to MEN like me.

However, once the event ended and I was crowned the deserving champion I turned and looked around me, rightfully expecting very hot women to begin hurling themselves at me for a date and/or marriage.

But… nothing.

There was one chick there who glanced at me and I glared at her expectantly, but she just wandered off and got a hotdog from a hotdog stand. Try to comprehend that. SHE WANTED TO EAT A HOTDOG INSTEAD OF DATING A TOUCH TYPING CHAMPION. What is the world coming to? That is feminism. This is the wokeness and it’s ruining society.

I can’t possible be wrong. What could possibly be unattractive about someone being able to have this God-given skill that others can only dream of? It shows:

• Tenacity
• Intellectual genius
• Versatility
• Emotional intelligence
• Wit
• Charm
• An enjoyment of keyboards
• Dedication

How can women look me in the eye (me, admittedly not the best looking guy ever, but a touch typing genius) and think this isn’t worthy of their time?

On my Tinder dating profile I lead with it: DEREK, 33, TOUCH TYPING GENIUS

I then list out my many championship victories and link to an article that was written about me, in which I make confident (not arrogant, confident) claims about how superior I am to everyone else. And yet in the last three months I’ve swiped on over 10,000 women and only three have swiped back. One ended up being a guy pretending to be a woman, the other two were scammers thinking I’ve made a tonne of money from my victories. I haven’t. I’ve actually lost money because it’s £100 to enter the competitions. That and the keyboard investments and I’m down about £500 over the last decade due to all of this.

AND NO HOT WOMEN.

Please. Advice needed. Is it my keyboard?! It’s all black, do I need a more feminine one or something to show off my sensitive side?

Yours,

Derek

Hi there, Derek! To help you out, we went out onto the streets of Manchester city centre and randomly began demanding answers from women we encountered: “WHY WON’T YOU DATE, DEREK!?” We roared, “HE’S A TOUCH TYPING WORLD CHAMPION!”

It turns out (from the ones who didn’t run away, at least) they’re more interested in personality traits such as kindness, humour, compassion, intelligence, and an interest in the arts.

None of them were impressed or interested in the typing thing. One of them said it was “weird”*. Sorry about that! Maybe take up a new hobby.

*We have subsequently learned Derek had a stroke after reading that someone found the touch typing thing “weird”. Although he’s since recovered from that, he’s quit his day job and entered a deep, dark depression of marathon touch typing sessions. Derek… for GOD’S SAKE, man. This is not the answer. Take up golf, or something.

Linger: The Slow Food Café 🫕 [Sponsored Post]

Are you SICK TO DEATH of fast food culture and the urgency behind that junk?!? Then mosey on down to Slow Food Café, where all our waiters are lazy as all hell and the head chef has a gammy leg!

This ensures every meal delivered to you is slow, protracted, aggravating, and tedious. We’re the antithesis of fast food and we make sure you can sit awkwardly at your dining table, forced into polite chitchat with whomever is with you.

Oh yeah, and we serve beer. It’s £30 a pint and takes 10 minutes to get to you.

Slow Food, Slow Pints, Raging Indignation

“Efficiency is a violent disruption of your ingredients and their, respective, journeys. That is why we don’t do efficiency. We’re incompetent and that’s a GRATE thing. Pun intended.” Jeff McSloth, CEO of Slow Food Café

Think of this way—the longer we make you wait, the longer the food absorbs the very essence of the kitchen and dining area. This atmospheric inculcation imbues your foodstuffs with the likes of:

• Bacteria
• Dust
• The odd fly crawling all over it
• Errant sneezes

Flavour. Flavour! For good things come to those who are overweight. As the longer we make you wait, the more hungry and enraged you’ll get, but ultimately be more delighted when your food arrives.

Linger’s Slow Burner Menu Highlights

This is our menu. Don’t like it? Then don’t eat here then, you ungrateful swine:

• Sloth Salad
• Glacial Water
• Tardy Toast
• Unhurried Onions
• Sluggish Soup of the Day
• Creeping Ice Cream
• Snail-Paced Semolina
• Lagging Lamb Roast
• Dithering Dal
• Protracted Pub Grub

The list goes on. Basically, our menu is shaped by wordplay that’s influenced by foods we can cook in a really, really, really slow way. Toast takes several hours, for example, and the glacial glass of water can take up to a week (it’s delivered to your address long after you’ve left our premises).

The Joys of Artisanal Procrastination

Our waiting staff is trained to avoid eye contact, delay taking your order, and keeping themselves busy folding napkins for many hours (instead of doing real work).

Sticking your hand up, clicking you fingers, and barking “Waiter!” will do sod all here. You will be ignored and if you’ve got a problem with that we’ll just take EVEN LONGER with your order…

After your meal, the bill is also handed to you on hand-calligraphed parchment you’ll need an investigative team to decode. Additionally, the parchment must be allowed to dry for several hours before you see it and decode its mysteries.

Feedback From Our Angry Customers

“Came in for an appetiser and some lunch. Why am I still waiting for my appetiser and lunch!?!!?! Hello!? I’m sitting at the back table on the right I’ve been HERE FOR A MONTH! WTF?! I have a job. I have a family! Where is my goddamn toast started and soup of the day main!?” Andrew McBastard

“By the time the alleged ‘soup of the day’ arrived I’d been sitting so long my legs had seized up with cramps and I was hospitalised with deep vein thrombosis. Demanded my money back. 17 days later, they updated me they WON’T be refunding me. THAT SOUP COST ME FIVE POUNDS! BASTARDS!!!” Harriet McSonofabitch

“I’d been waiting four hours for the Soup of the Day. Eventually I asked the waiter where in the NAME OF GODDAMN HELL the soup was! He pointed at a sundial on the pavement outside the cafe and… and… and I lost my shit. I smashed a fist on the table and shouted ‘THIS IS AN OUTRAGE’ and then I was escorted from the premises.” Jane McBadall

“Stopped in for a black coffee with 17 sugars, 13 squirts of caramel, and 10 squirts of cream. After 12 hours, the order came back with 15 sugars, 11 squirts of caramel, and 11 squirts of cream. Sent it back to get my order fixed. 12 days later it came back with 16 sugars, 12 squirts of caramel, and 113 squirts of cream. The cream was overflowing from the beverage! I said to the waiter, ‘I can’t drink that! I asked for TEN squirts of cream, you stupid bastard!’ To make matters worse, I was fired from my job for absenteeism. LEARN TO GET CUSTOMER ORDERS RIGHT!” Beth McOcd

The Elephant Universe: Great Books That Never Were 🐘

The Elegant Universe: Superstrings, Hidden Dimensions, and the Quest for the Ultimate Theory is a famous space book by American physicist Brian Greene.

We’re not ones for empirical evidence, science, and facts, so we prefer the book The Elephant Universe (2001). In it, the pseudoscientist Bryan Green argues elephants invented the universe and spacetime is like a big long elephant trunk that trumpets. Facts.

The Elephant Universe: Spacetime, Tusks, and Trumpeting

“While there is no reliable evidence to suggest elephants roam the cosmos, there is also no known or unknown evidence to suggest they do or do not. This was all the impetus I required to begin my long journey. Each night in my front garden, next to the daffodils, my budget telescope craning wildly across the night sky in the belief that one night, even if for a mere second, I would see the Divine Elephant in the Universe and then everyone would stop calling me ‘batshit insane’.”

Physics is complicated and requires a woolly mammoth amount of brain power to master. However, in this work Green argues space isn’t really that complicated and everything was just made by elephants. No big deal, stop making films like Interstellar about it.

Whilst Green’s claims have been dismissed by the world’s leading physicists as “idiotic” and “puerile”, Green countered by calling the world’s leading physicists:

“Stupid woopid.”

Due to the writer’s petulant attitude problem, alongside Astrophysics for People in a Curry his work is now considered a defining text in 20th and 21st century pseudoscience. One critic announced the book was:

“Nonsense to be proud of.”

Green responded by suing the critic for “slander”, but it was pointed out to Green that slander is a false spoken statement, not a written one, and so Green backed down and ate a sandwich (tuna and mayo on white bread) to calm down.

Proof of Elephants Controlling the Cosmos

To this day, Green is convinced he is correct. In 2015, he established the organisation Elephants Rule the Universe and flies out to Los Angeles annually to hold the (annual) conference. The event includes:

• Talks and arguments about Green’s cosmic thesis
• Elephant rides with a REAL elephant ($300 a go)
• Trumpeters making elephant-like trumpet noises every 30 seconds
• Free cheese sandwiches (on white bread)
• A live screening of Dumbo

Green will also frequently attack anyone who disagrees with him. He does so with a copy of his book. In 2018, videos of him beating the crap out of assembled journalists were uploaded to Twitter.

This brought newfound attention to the annual conference and by 2022 over 1,000 people began attending. Most attended ironically and lined up enthusiastically to be assaulted by Green, whom they then threatened with legal action (litigation as a profit centre etc.). After the 2024 event, Green told the tabloid The Daily Disaster:

“This year we had 3,000 attendees and I assaulted roughly 63% of them. I’m facing several million in damages… I have decided to take less aggressive means of defending my FACT DRIVEN elephant-based thesis from next year onward.”

However, the 2025 event descended into anarchy when the on-site elephant panicked at the sight of a mouse. It stampeded across the venue and knocked over the cheese sandwich (on white bread) stand. With the food for the event demolished, most people went home.

Then, in January 2026, Green posted on his social media accounts the following statement:

“Dear reprobates,

It has come to my attention I have been abducted by elephants. I am on their home planet on the edge of the Universe and can confirm that, once you get to the edge, there’s nothing but elephants and cheese sandwich stands. It’s a bit disappointing, tbh, but confirms my words in Elephant Universe were prescient, correct, and I am a genius.

Kind regards.”

Green has not been heard of since and is likely still out there right now, hanging out with elephants, eating low-quality sandwiches.

The Elephant Universe: Great Books That Never Were 🐘

The Elegant Universe: Superstrings, Hidden Dimensions, and the Quest for the Ultimate Theory is a famous space book by American physicist Brian Greene.

We’re not ones for empirical evidence, science, and facts, so we prefer the book The Elephant Universe (2001). In it, the pseudoscientist Bryan Green argues elephants invented the universe and spacetime is like a big long elephant trunk that trumpets. Facts.

The Elephant Universe: Spacetime, Tusks, and Trumpeting

“While there is no reliable evidence to suggest elephants roam the cosmos, there is also no known or unknown evidence to suggest they do or do not. This was all the impetus I required to begin my long journey. Each night in my front garden, next to the daffodils, my budget telescope craning wildly across the night sky in the belief that one night, even if for a mere second, I would see the Divine Elephant in the Universe and then everyone would stop calling me ‘batshit insane’.”

Physics is complicated and requires a woolly mammoth amount of brain power to master. However, in this work Green argues space isn’t really that complicated and everything was just made by elephants. No big deal, stop making films like Interstellar about it.

Whilst Green’s claims have been dismissed by the world’s leading physicists as “idiotic” and “puerile”, Green countered by calling the world’s leading physicists:

“Stupid woopid.”

Due to the writer’s petulant attitude problem, alongside Astrophysics for People in a Curry his work is now considered a defining text in 20th and 21st century pseudoscience. One critic announced the book was:

“Nonsense to be proud of.”

Green responded by suing the critic for “slander”, but it was pointed out to Green that slander is a false spoken statement, not a written one, and so Green backed down and ate a sandwich (tuna and mayo on white bread) to calm down.

Proof of Elephants Controlling the Cosmos

To this day, Green is convinced he is correct. In 2015, he established the organisation Elephants Rule the Universe and flies out to Los Angeles annually to hold the (annual) conference. The event includes:

• Talks and arguments about Green’s cosmic thesis
• Elephant rides with a REAL elephant ($300 a go)
• Trumpeters making elephant-like trumpet noises every 30 seconds
• Free cheese sandwiches (on white bread)
• A live screening of Dumbo

Green will also frequently attack anyone who disagrees with him. He does so with a copy of his book. In 2018, videos of him beating the crap out of assembled journalists were uploaded to Twitter.

This brought newfound attention to the annual conference and by 2022 over 1,000 people began attending. Most attended ironically and lined up enthusiastically to be assaulted by Green, whom they then threatened with legal action (litigation as a profit centre etc.). After the 2024 event, Green told the tabloid The Daily Disaster:

“This year we had 3,000 attendees and I assaulted roughly 63% of them. I’m facing several million in damages… I have decided to take less aggressive means of defending my FACT DRIVEN elephant-based thesis from next year onward.”

However, the 2025 event descended into anarchy when the on-site elephant panicked at the sight of a mouse. It stampeded across the venue and knocked over the cheese sandwich (on white bread) stand. With the food for the event demolished, most people went home.

Then, in January 2026, Green posted on his social media accounts the following statement:

“Dear reprobates,

It has come to my attention I have been abducted by elephants. I am on their home planet on the edge of the Universe and can confirm that, once you get to the edge, there’s nothing but elephants and cheese sandwich stands. It’s a bit disappointing, tbh, but confirms my words in Elephant Universe were prescient, correct, and I am a genius.

Kind regards.”

Green has not been heard of since and is likely still out there right now, hanging out with elephants, eating low-quality sandwiches.

The Elephant Universe: Great Books That Never Were 🐘

The Elegant Universe: Superstrings, Hidden Dimensions, and the Quest for the Ultimate Theory is a famous space book by American physicist Brian Greene.

We’re not ones for empirical evidence, science, and facts, so we prefer the book The Elephant Universe (2001). In it, the pseudoscientist Bryan Green argues elephants invented the universe and spacetime is like a big long elephant trunk that trumpets. Facts.

The Elephant Universe: Spacetime, Tusks, and Trumpeting

“While there is no reliable evidence to suggest elephants roam the cosmos, there is also no known or unknown evidence to suggest they do or do not. This was all the impetus I required to begin my long journey. Each night in my front garden, next to the daffodils, my budget telescope craning wildly across the night sky in the belief that one night, even if for a mere second, I would see the Divine Elephant in the Universe and then everyone would stop calling me ‘batshit insane’.”

Physics is complicated and requires a woolly mammoth amount of brain power to master. However, in this work Green argues space isn’t really that complicated and everything was just made by elephants. No big deal, stop making films like Interstellar about it.

Whilst Green’s claims have been dismissed by the world’s leading physicists as “idiotic” and “puerile”, Green countered by calling the world’s leading physicists:

“Stupid woopid.”

Due to the writer’s petulant attitude problem, alongside Astrophysics for People in a Curry his work is now considered a defining text in 20th and 21st century pseudoscience. One critic announced the book was:

“Nonsense to be proud of.”

Green responded by suing the critic for “slander”, but it was pointed out to Green that slander is a false spoken statement, not a written one, and so Green backed down and ate a sandwich (tuna and mayo on white bread) to calm down.

Proof of Elephants Controlling the Cosmos

To this day, Green is convinced he is correct. In 2015, he established the organisation Elephants Rule the Universe and flies out to Los Angeles annually to hold the (annual) conference. The event includes:

• Talks and arguments about Green’s cosmic thesis
• Elephant rides with a REAL elephant ($300 a go)
• Trumpeters making elephant-like trumpet noises every 30 seconds
• Free cheese sandwiches (on white bread)
• A live screening of Dumbo

Green will also frequently attack anyone who disagrees with him. He does so with a copy of his book. In 2018, videos of him beating the crap out of assembled journalists were uploaded to Twitter.

This brought newfound attention to the annual conference and by 2022 over 1,000 people began attending. Most attended ironically and lined up enthusiastically to be assaulted by Green, whom they then threatened with legal action (litigation as a profit centre etc.). After the 2024 event, Green told the tabloid The Daily Disaster:

“This year we had 3,000 attendees and I assaulted roughly 63% of them. I’m facing several million in damages… I have decided to take less aggressive means of defending my FACT DRIVEN elephant-based thesis from next year onward.”

However, the 2025 event descended into anarchy when the on-site elephant panicked at the sight of a mouse. It stampeded across the venue and knocked over the cheese sandwich (on white bread) stand. With the food for the event demolished, most people went home.

Then, in January 2026, Green posted on his social media accounts the following statement:

“Dear reprobates,

It has come to my attention I have been abducted by elephants. I am on their home planet on the edge of the Universe and can confirm that, once you get to the edge, there’s nothing but elephants and cheese sandwich stands. It’s a bit disappointing, tbh, but confirms my words in Elephant Universe were prescient, correct, and I am a genius.

Kind regards.”

Green has not been heard of since and is likely still out there right now, hanging out with elephants, eating low-quality sandwiches.

Agony Aunt: “Husband REFUSES to use umbrella in the rain!” ☔

Some human males get it into their brains that using an umbrella isn’t manly. That wandering around in rural/urban environments getting soaking wet is a sign of masculinity. That using an umbrella emasculates the human male and makes them a WUSS.

They’re 100% correct, OF COURSE, and we’re here today to put a human female in her place. Umbrellas have no place in civilizes society! They’re communist, woke, and they make us nauseous just thinking about them.

How Umbrellas Emasculate Husbands (and other men)

Dear agony,

My husband, Jeff, is a grown adult of 39 and he REFUSES to use an umbrella. We’ve been married a year and I got him an umbrella last month because he kept wandering around outside in the rain. I was wondering why he was doing this, but he revealed it’s so he looks “manly”.

He thinks walking about outside when it rains, getting sopping wet, makes him an alpha male…

So I got him an umbrella. The moment he saw the umbrella he turned very pale, then bright red, then pale again. Trembling, he pointed a finger at me and wailed, “TAKE THAT FUCKING THING OUT OF THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!” And he punched a fist against a wall. I was shocked and didn’t react. “WELL!?!” He roared. I was flabbergasted and couldn’t respond. He stormed out in a huff, slammed the door, and went to the pub. He hung out in the pub until it started raining, then came home and started pacing back and forth outside our house in the rain. This was to make a point that he’s a real man.

He refused to come into the house until the umbrella was “destroyed”.

I told him that there are several umbrellas in the house, all mine apart from the one I bought him so he wouldn’t get wet in the rain like a jackass. To prove his manliness, he then ripped his top off and stood there in the rain beating his chest like some stupid ape. I left him to it.

Later that night, when he was in hospital having developed hypothermia and hooked up to a drip and him looking ashen and exhausted, he croaked to me whether the umbrellas were all “destroyed”. I told him “no” and he was once again outraged. He insisted I bring them into the hospital and “burn them to the ground” before his very eyes. Otherwise he’d divorce me.

Blackmail? Kind of, wasn’t it? Anyway, I had no choice… I AM NOT GETTING A DIVORCE. Thus, I brought the umbrellas into hospital, poured petrol over them, and ignited them there in the ward. My husband was pleased, but the hospital staff (nurses, doctors, brain surgeons etc.) were not best pleased. In fact, I was arrested. Did I do a bad or something?

And I still think my husband should use an umbrella! It’s childish seeing him drenched in the rain when he could just put a brolly up! What’s crazy about that!? But I need to broach the subject carefully, otherwise I’ll be single.

Yours,

Angela

Hi there, Angela. We must say, your blatant bullying of your husband has been quite enraging to read. It is tacit internal law: NO MAN SHOULD USE AN UMBRELLA. It makes him look like a gay wimp. And there’s nothing worse for man babies than projecting their own insecurities onto everyone else around them like that.

As such, once out on parole, you should go forth into the street, find your nearest umbrella shop, and detonate it. This’ll not only save your marriage, it’ll ensure the men in your community are safe and sound from the hellish, terrifying threat of… using an umbrella in the rain.

Cement Mixer to Let: Ultra-Modernised Rotating Studio 🧱

Real Estate Bastards Enterprises Ltd. is giddy as all hell to reveal the Slurry Studio, located at 301 on Gray Matter Manor in Bolton of Greater Manchester.

Viewings are available immediately, but MOVE FAST! This £3,001 p/m zero mod cons property won’t be on the market for long. It HAS to be seen to be believed. Please note: No Star Trek (Trekkies) fanboys and/or Star Wars fanatics are allowed viewings as we DETEST pathetic, wastrel geeks like you. GET A LIFE.

A Whirlwind of Living in The Slurry Studio

• £3,001 p/m
• NO PETS
• NO BILLS INCLUDED
• £10,000 DEPOSIT
• 360° degree living
• Dynamic floor plan that moves you
• Minimalist design
• A bit like a hammock, but not
• Low carbon footprint living
• Ideal for construction site workers

If you’re a big hairy construction site worker, you’ll just LOVE this cement mixer. It’s minimalist living at its finest. No nonsense, says it how it is, you just climb into the spinning bowl and you’re all set for a good night of kip.

Once you turn the contraption on*, that’s when the Slurry Studio takes on a life of its own.

Part soothing massage, part G-force centrifugal training session, the Slurry Studio is compact living done right. Located in a random side street in Bolton, the cement mixer is only a 24 minute walk from the train station, with a strong possibility you’ll probably get mugged on your way there to kickstart your day.

Also, to be clear, no free bags of cement are included with this property.

*Please note: Our estate agent, and the landlord, waive all legal responsibility for the inevitable dizziness induced by this property. Motion sickness may also be another issue, as well an overwhelming desire to spend no time in the property. The deposit is not refundable and 

A Note From The Slurry Studio’s Previous Tenant

Most tenants only stay in the Slurry Studio for a few months before moving out (we can’t work out why, though). Some of them mysteriously die before being able to leave tenant feedback, but one survivor below was eager to pen his delighted thoughts to us.

“DONT. DONT LIVE HEAR. the slurry studio ruined my life. i moved in in the summer of 2025 and shit a brick i dint now what i where letting meself in for. first night when the spinning kicked in and cement were getting all over me and i was breathing in cement fumes, spinning around (like that kylie song) and i got dizzy, chucked up quite a bit and what done and did had a bangin headache by 5am. it we’re so bad i immediately handed in me tenancy end notice and know led a happy life homeless. its preferable to that BASTARD cement mixer”

Please note, this former tenant published his review across various online review platforms. We’ve since realised this is negative feedback and have begun a violent retribution campaign against him. We’re suing him for:

• Defamation
• Slander
• Harassment
• Gross misconduct
• Arson
• Gross indecency
• War crimes
• Crimes against humanity
• Being a prick

Real Estate Bastards Enterprises Ltd. doesn’t take negative feedback lightly. You have been warned.

Cement Mixer to Let: Ultra-Modernised Rotating Studio 🧱

Real Estate Bastards Enterprises Ltd. is giddy as all hell to reveal the Slurry Studio, located at 301 on Gray Matter Manor in Bolton of Greater Manchester.

Viewings are available immediately, but MOVE FAST! This £3,001 p/m zero mod cons property won’t be on the market for long. It HAS to be seen to be believed. Please note: No Star Trek (Trekkies) fanboys and/or Star Wars fanatics are allowed viewings as we DETEST pathetic, wastrel geeks like you. GET A LIFE.

A Whirlwind of Living in The Slurry Studio

• £3,001 p/m
• NO PETS
• NO BILLS INCLUDED
• £10,000 DEPOSIT
• 360° degree living
• Dynamic floor plan that moves you
• Minimalist design
• A bit like a hammock, but not
• Low carbon footprint living
• Ideal for construction site workers

If you’re a big hairy construction site worker, you’ll just LOVE this cement mixer. It’s minimalist living at its finest. No nonsense, says it how it is, you just climb into the spinning bowl and you’re all set for a good night of kip.

Once you turn the contraption on*, that’s when the Slurry Studio takes on a life of its own.

Part soothing massage, part G-force centrifugal training session, the Slurry Studio is compact living done right. Located in a random side street in Bolton, the cement mixer is only a 24 minute walk from the train station, with a strong possibility you’ll probably get mugged on your way there to kickstart your day.

Also, to be clear, no free bags of cement are included with this property.

*Please note: Our estate agent, and the landlord, waive all legal responsibility for the inevitable dizziness induced by this property. Motion sickness may also be another issue, as well an overwhelming desire to spend no time in the property. The deposit is not refundable and 

A Note From The Slurry Studio’s Previous Tenant

Most tenants only stay in the Slurry Studio for a few months before moving out (we can’t work out why, though). Some of them mysteriously die before being able to leave tenant feedback, but one survivor below was eager to pen his delighted thoughts to us.

“DONT. DONT LIVE HEAR. the slurry studio ruined my life. i moved in in the summer of 2025 and shit a brick i dint now what i where letting meself in for. first night when the spinning kicked in and cement were getting all over me and i was breathing in cement fumes, spinning around (like that kylie song) and i got dizzy, chucked up quite a bit and what done and did had a bangin headache by 5am. it we’re so bad i immediately handed in me tenancy end notice and know led a happy life homeless. its preferable to that BASTARD cement mixer”

Please note, this former tenant published his review across various online review platforms. We’ve since realised this is negative feedback and have begun a violent retribution campaign against him. We’re suing him for:

• Defamation
• Slander
• Harassment
• Gross misconduct
• Arson
• Gross indecency
• War crimes
• Crimes against humanity
• Being a prick

Real Estate Bastards Enterprises Ltd. doesn’t take negative feedback lightly. You have been warned.

Horseplay at Work: How to Control Horses in Your Workplace 🐴

Horseplay at work refers to the practice of allowing horses to play in your working environment. Whilst this can be fantastic fun for the horses involved, it can lead to total anarchy in working environments.

It’s your duty of care as an employer to remember that allowing animals to go ballistic on your premises can be viewed unfavourably by employment laws. As such, it’s good business practice to at least half-arse your way through reading this business guide before letting those bastards loose (and to Hell with the consequences).

Workplace Horseplay Employment Laws to Stare at and Nod Along to

The Horseplay at Work Act 1974 is the legislation behind this legislative matter. The Act covers ground across the Act, for the, aforementioned, Act is designed to, therefore, document what the Act, as previously indicated, documents. On page 137 of the 48,000 page Act, the Act states:

“Horses are allowed to play in a working environment any employer deems to be suitable for a horse (for example, in a large office etc.). The employer should make sure to have top horse treats available, such as Stud Muffins, NAF Minty Treats, sugar cubes, and herb-based foodstuffs to ensure the animals are well fed …

If the horse(s) defecate on the employer’s property, the employer should choose an employee at random to get down on their hands and knees, scoop up the aforementioned defecation, and transport it to the nearest wastebin.”

It’s good business practice to play the Black Beauty theme music at the loudest humanly possible volume whilst the animals canter around your workplace with wild abandon.

Do note, horses (unlike pizza at work) have little-to-no understand of human hierarchy structures, office etiquette, or health and safety legislation. This may lead to them trampling over hapless employees whom are busy trying to work (which never happens due to pizza parties at work).

Should this occur, be sure to dock the wages of affected members of staff and have them work overtime once their shattered limbs heal and they return to work. Also, please do not feed the horse any pizza.

Neigh and Other Horse-Based Noises

Complementing their destructive potential, horses can be very bloody noisy. Based on long-standing onomatopoeia standards under English, the term “neigh” designates 90% of noises this type of animal creates. However, they can also:

• Snort
• Blow
• Groan
• Grunt
• Nicker
• Roar
• Scream
• Sigh
• Whinny

Staff members should familiarise themselves with this range of sounds. For they animals can be excessively dramatic and, within that drama, you should lecture your staff about not overreacting to things (such as refusing to discuss salary reviews and/or making sweeping redundancies following record profit growth).

How to Maintain Health and Safety Standards Due to Horse Kicks

The capacity for the beast’s hind legs to kick out violently is noteworthy. It’s good business practice to avoid being being kicked in this manner, for it can result in:

• Instant death
• Severe agony

Remember, an employee in agony is an unproductive employee.

As such, instruct your members of staff to steer clear of the in-work horses’ back legs at all times. You should also get them to sign legal waivers to ensure they understand that if their legs are shattered, it’s their own fault, not the employer’s.

To achieve this goal, feel free to use blackmail and or verbal/physical threats. For example, by grabbing them by the scruff of the neck and shouting, “Unless you sign this legal waiver, I’m going to send some heavies round your house to tear up your flower patch!” etc.

The Benefits of Bringing Horseplay Into Your Business

Reading the guide so far, you may wonder why in Christ’s name you’d want to do something as foolish as bring horses into the workplace. Well, in fact, many times over, there are excellent advantages to be had here. Including, but not limited to:

1. Gasping in awe at the majestic beasts frolicking amongst photocopiers, printers, and water coolers!
2. Fresh and free manure!!
3. Briefly distract employees from your refusal to give salary reviews!!!
4. Any old excuse to bring a bag of carrots into the workplace!!!!

As you can see, the benefits are enormous and overwhelmingly so. Whilst you may feel faint after reading those four points, rest assured once you see your profit margins come Q4 you’ll be booting up the Black Beauty theme every Monday morning. Guaranteed!

Trauma for Trade Enterprises Ltd. 😱 [Sponsored Post]

Trauma for Trade (TfT) is the pre-eminent psychological distress data analyser on the global market. Buy, sell, and trade users’ vivid suffering (anxiety, depression, stress, PTSD, mania etc.) on an open market to create an international synergy in Authentic Character Development (ACD).

Whether you’re a big business ego, insufferable tech bro, psychopathic billionaire, or songwriter who’s run out of ideas, TfT is the place to touch base with MANKIND, circle back with your alignment, then leverage your disruptive marketplace vision with synergy-based delineation and scalable long-hanging fruit bandwidth.

TfT – Distress as a Data Point Initiator to Supercharge Your Bottom Line Through Dynamic Synergisation

Some entrepreneurs called our product too called our product too confusing and convoluted. It isn’t too confusing and convoluted, they (and you) are just stupid. Here’s a message from our obnoxious CEO, Derek “The Dickhead” Barnaby III:

“Trading people’s emotional distress is a fantastic business concept! Think of how much better everything in the world will be when fuelled by genuine human emotions! Every moment, every word of dialogue, stolen from some poor sap who sold their memories for $10 so they could pay their rent arrears, all so your business can understand that person’s deranged mindset so you can profit off of it! That is not confusing! It is just common sense!”

The concept is so simple even a simpleton can understand it:

1. On the open market Trauma for Trade market, the public sell their trauma to our data centres
2. The data is processed, categories, ordered, and put up for sale online
3. Businesses but that trauma data to make more granular, sensible, data-driven decisions
4. WE GET STINKING GODDAMN RICH AND OUR CEO CAN BUY A SECOND SUPERYACHT BECAUSE HE JUST WORKED HARDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE

Everyone wins! Members of the public can make $10 a go by divulging their worst life experiences with us, while your business spends $50 per databank need.

SUPERCHARGE YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR BANKS

Want to get the lowdown on the most perverse of all users? You need the Super Mega Premium Access Package (SMPAP) to mine the mindsets of:

• Perverts
• Weirdos
• Social outcasts
• Alcoholics
• Furries
• Axe-wielding maniacs

With all that additional knowledge, there’s no stopping your business. You’ll go from strength to strength! As the old saying goes—trauma isn’t trauma until it’s profitable.

100% Authentic (Genuinely Not Made Up By Us) Customer Testimonials

“I run a small independent restaurant in Manchester city centre called FuckYourCelery. Customers weren’t impressed with my vegan food, so I turned to Trauma for Trade’s vast databank and sourced the customer mindset of 179 classified psychopaths. Suitably inspired, I TRANSFORMED the menu into a dynamic Cereal Killer concept of vegan food hybrid meat-based products. The look of pure horror of customers trying to choose from dishes like Haggis & Gravy With Strawberries Rabies Bastard and Cheese With Dead Rat Soup was the most diabolically thrilling moment of my life. They reported me to the police. Woke bastards.” Kev in Manchester

“My vaping store was failing. Panic-stricken, I turned to tFt for help brainwashing a new sect of the market. With their data package included convicted murderers, kidnapping victims, and those with severe halitosis, I was able to corner a lucrative sect of the market—gym managers! Worked a treat, who’d have thought it!? They lapped it up, became addicts, and saved my business! AHAHAHAHAHAAAaaa!” Jane in Skegness

“Mitä vittua!?!? HE MYIVÄT MINULLE VALHEEN!!!! Mitä dataa tämä on? Myyn kenkiä työkseni, enkä halua kauhistuttaa kansakuntaa! TÄMÄ ON PASKAA! ANNA MINULLE RAHANI TAKAISIN!!! 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬” Mika from Jyväskylä

“Subscribed to the premium package. They sent me the brain data of a deranged 24 year old who collects stamps and once got punched by a football hooligan. This trauma did not translate into stronger sales for my barbershop… what a waste of money!” Jeff in Newcastle

Trauma for Trade Enterprises Ltd. 😱 [Sponsored Post]

Trauma for Trade (TfT) is the pre-eminent psychological distress data analyser on the global market. Buy, sell, and trade users’ vivid suffering (anxiety, depression, stress, PTSD, mania etc.) on an open market to create an international synergy in Authentic Character Development (ACD).

Whether you’re a big business ego, insufferable tech bro, psychopathic billionaire, or songwriter who’s run out of ideas, TfT is the place to touch base with MANKIND, circle back with your alignment, then leverage your disruptive marketplace vision with synergy-based delineation and scalable long-hanging fruit bandwidth.

TfT – Distress as a Data Point Initiator to Supercharge Your Bottom Line Through Dynamic Synergisation

Some entrepreneurs called our product too called our product too confusing and convoluted. It isn’t too confusing and convoluted, they (and you) are just stupid. Here’s a message from our obnoxious CEO, Derek “The Dickhead” Barnaby III:

“Trading people’s emotional distress is a fantastic business concept! Think of how much better everything in the world will be when fuelled by genuine human emotions! Every moment, every word of dialogue, stolen from some poor sap who sold their memories for $10 so they could pay their rent arrears, all so your business can understand that person’s deranged mindset so you can profit off of it! That is not confusing! It is just common sense!”

The concept is so simple even a simpleton can understand it:

1. On the open market Trauma for Trade market, the public sell their trauma to our data centres
2. The data is processed, categories, ordered, and put up for sale online
3. Businesses but that trauma data to make more granular, sensible, data-driven decisions
4. WE GET STINKING GODDAMN RICH AND OUR CEO CAN BUY A SECOND SUPERYACHT BECAUSE HE JUST WORKED HARDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE

Everyone wins! Members of the public can make $10 a go by divulging their worst life experiences with us, while your business spends $50 per databank need.

SUPERCHARGE YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR BANKS

Want to get the lowdown on the most perverse of all users? You need the Super Mega Premium Access Package (SMPAP) to mine the mindsets of:

• Perverts
• Weirdos
• Social outcasts
• Alcoholics
• Furries
• Axe-wielding maniacs

With all that additional knowledge, there’s no stopping your business. You’ll go from strength to strength! As the old saying goes—trauma isn’t trauma until it’s profitable.

100% Authentic (Genuinely Not Made Up By Us) Customer Testimonials

“I run a small independent restaurant in Manchester city centre called FuckYourCelery. Customers weren’t impressed with my vegan food, so I turned to Trauma for Trade’s vast databank and sourced the customer mindset of 179 classified psychopaths. Suitably inspired, I TRANSFORMED the menu into a dynamic Cereal Killer concept of vegan food hybrid meat-based products. The look of pure horror of customers trying to choose from dishes like Haggis & Gravy With Strawberries Rabies Bastard and Cheese With Dead Rat Soup was the most diabolically thrilling moment of my life. They reported me to the police. Woke bastards.” Kev in Manchester

“My vaping store was failing. Panic-stricken, I turned to tFt for help brainwashing a new sect of the market. With their data package included convicted murderers, kidnapping victims, and those with severe halitosis, I was able to corner a lucrative sect of the market—gym managers! Worked a treat, who’d have thought it!? They lapped it up, became addicts, and saved my business! AHAHAHAHAHAAAaaa!” Jane in Skegness

“Mitä vittua!?!? HE MYIVÄT MINULLE VALHEEN!!!! Mitä dataa tämä on? Myyn kenkiä työkseni, enkä halua kauhistuttaa kansakuntaa! TÄMÄ ON PASKAA! ANNA MINULLE RAHANI TAKAISIN!!! 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬” Mika from Jyväskylä

“Subscribed to the premium package. They sent me the brain data of a deranged 24 year old who collects stamps and once got punched by a football hooligan. This trauma did not translate into stronger sales for my barbershop… what a waste of money!” Jeff in Newcastle

Trauma for Trade Enterprises Ltd. 😱 [Sponsored Post]

Trauma for Trade (TfT) is the pre-eminent psychological distress data analyser on the global market. Buy, sell, and trade users’ vivid suffering (anxiety, depression, stress, PTSD, mania etc.) on an open market to create an international synergy in Authentic Character Development (ACD).

Whether you’re a big business ego, insufferable tech bro, psychopathic billionaire, or songwriter who’s run out of ideas, TfT is the place to touch base with MANKIND, circle back with your alignment, then leverage your disruptive marketplace vision with synergy-based delineation and scalable long-hanging fruit bandwidth.

TfT – Distress as a Data Point Initiator to Supercharge Your Bottom Line Through Dynamic Synergisation

Some entrepreneurs called our product too called our product too confusing and convoluted. It isn’t too confusing and convoluted, they (and you) are just stupid. Here’s a message from our obnoxious CEO, Derek “The Dickhead” Barnaby III:

“Trading people’s emotional distress is a fantastic business concept! Think of how much better everything in the world will be when fuelled by genuine human emotions! Every moment, every word of dialogue, stolen from some poor sap who sold their memories for $10 so they could pay their rent arrears, all so your business can understand that person’s deranged mindset so you can profit off of it! That is not confusing! It is just common sense!”

The concept is so simple even a simpleton can understand it:

1. On the open market Trauma for Trade market, the public sell their trauma to our data centres
2. The data is processed, categories, ordered, and put up for sale online
3. Businesses but that trauma data to make more granular, sensible, data-driven decisions
4. WE GET STINKING GODDAMN RICH AND OUR CEO CAN BUY A SECOND SUPERYACHT BECAUSE HE JUST WORKED HARDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE

Everyone wins! Members of the public can make $10 a go by divulging their worst life experiences with us, while your business spends $50 per databank need.

SUPERCHARGE YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR BANKS

Want to get the lowdown on the most perverse of all users? You need the Super Mega Premium Access Package (SMPAP) to mine the mindsets of:

• Perverts
• Weirdos
• Social outcasts
• Alcoholics
• Furries
• Axe-wielding maniacs

With all that additional knowledge, there’s no stopping your business. You’ll go from strength to strength! As the old saying goes—trauma isn’t trauma until it’s profitable.

100% Authentic (Genuinely Not Made Up By Us) Customer Testimonials

“I run a small independent restaurant in Manchester city centre called FuckYourCelery. Customers weren’t impressed with my vegan food, so I turned to Trauma for Trade’s vast databank and sourced the customer mindset of 179 classified psychopaths. Suitably inspired, I TRANSFORMED the menu into a dynamic Cereal Killer concept of vegan food hybrid meat-based products. The look of pure horror of customers trying to choose from dishes like Haggis & Gravy With Strawberries Rabies Bastard and Cheese With Dead Rat Soup was the most diabolically thrilling moment of my life. They reported me to the police. Woke bastards.” Kev in Manchester

“My vaping store was failing. Panic-stricken, I turned to tFt for help brainwashing a new sect of the market. With their data package included convicted murderers, kidnapping victims, and those with severe halitosis, I was able to corner a lucrative sect of the market—gym managers! Worked a treat, who’d have thought it!? They lapped it up, became addicts, and saved my business! AHAHAHAHAHAAAaaa!” Jane in Skegness

“Mitä vittua!?!? HE MYIVÄT MINULLE VALHEEN!!!! Mitä dataa tämä on? Myyn kenkiä työkseni, enkä halua kauhistuttaa kansakuntaa! TÄMÄ ON PASKAA! ANNA MINULLE RAHANI TAKAISIN!!! 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬” Mika from Jyväskylä

“Subscribed to the premium package. They sent me the brain data of a deranged 24 year old who collects stamps and once got punched by a football hooligan. This trauma did not translate into stronger sales for my barbershop… what a waste of money!” Jeff in Newcastle

Trauma for Trade Enterprises Ltd. 😱 [Sponsored Post]

Trauma for Trade (TfT) is the pre-eminent psychological distress data analyser on the global market. Buy, sell, and trade users’ vivid suffering (anxiety, depression, stress, PTSD, mania etc.) on an open market to create an international synergy in Authentic Character Development (ACD).

Whether you’re a big business ego, insufferable tech bro, psychopathic billionaire, or songwriter who’s run out of ideas, TfT is the place to touch base with MANKIND, circle back with your alignment, then leverage your disruptive marketplace vision with synergy-based delineation and scalable long-hanging fruit bandwidth.

TfT – Distress as a Data Point Initiator to Supercharge Your Bottom Line Through Dynamic Synergisation

Some entrepreneurs called our product too called our product too confusing and convoluted. It isn’t too confusing and convoluted, they (and you) are just stupid. Here’s a message from our obnoxious CEO, Derek “The Dickhead” Barnaby III:

“Trading people’s emotional distress is a fantastic business concept! Think of how much better everything in the world will be when fuelled by genuine human emotions! Every moment, every word of dialogue, stolen from some poor sap who sold their memories for $10 so they could pay their rent arrears, all so your business can understand that person’s deranged mindset so you can profit off of it! That is not confusing! It is just common sense!”

The concept is so simple even a simpleton can understand it:

1. On the open market Trauma for Trade market, the public sell their trauma to our data centres
2. The data is processed, categories, ordered, and put up for sale online
3. Businesses but that trauma data to make more granular, sensible, data-driven decisions
4. WE GET STINKING GODDAMN RICH AND OUR CEO CAN BUY A SECOND SUPERYACHT BECAUSE HE JUST WORKED HARDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE

Everyone wins! Members of the public can make $10 a go by divulging their worst life experiences with us, while your business spends $50 per databank need.

SUPERCHARGE YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR BANKS

Want to get the lowdown on the most perverse of all users? You need the Super Mega Premium Access Package (SMPAP) to mine the mindsets of:

• Perverts
• Weirdos
• Social outcasts
• Alcoholics
• Furries
• Axe-wielding maniacs

With all that additional knowledge, there’s no stopping your business. You’ll go from strength to strength! As the old saying goes—trauma isn’t trauma until it’s profitable.

100% Authentic (Genuinely Not Made Up By Us) Customer Testimonials

“I run a small independent restaurant in Manchester city centre called FuckYourCelery. Customers weren’t impressed with my vegan food, so I turned to Trauma for Trade’s vast databank and sourced the customer mindset of 179 classified psychopaths. Suitably inspired, I TRANSFORMED the menu into a dynamic Cereal Killer concept of vegan food hybrid meat-based products. The look of pure horror of customers trying to choose from dishes like Haggis & Gravy With Strawberries Rabies Bastard and Cheese With Dead Rat Soup was the most diabolically thrilling moment of my life. They reported me to the police. Woke bastards.” Kev in Manchester

“My vaping store was failing. Panic-stricken, I turned to tFt for help brainwashing a new sect of the market. With their data package included convicted murderers, kidnapping victims, and those with severe halitosis, I was able to corner a lucrative sect of the market—gym managers! Worked a treat, who’d have thought it!? They lapped it up, became addicts, and saved my business! AHAHAHAHAHAAAaaa!” Jane in Skegness

“Mitä vittua!?!? HE MYIVÄT MINULLE VALHEEN!!!! Mitä dataa tämä on? Myyn kenkiä työkseni, enkä halua kauhistuttaa kansakuntaa! TÄMÄ ON PASKAA! ANNA MINULLE RAHANI TAKAISIN!!! 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬” Mika from Jyväskylä

“Subscribed to the premium package. They sent me the brain data of a deranged 24 year old who collects stamps and once got punched by a football hooligan. This trauma did not translate into stronger sales for my barbershop… what a waste of money!” Jeff in Newcastle

Trauma for Trade Enterprises Ltd. 😱 [Sponsored Post]

Trauma for Trade (TfT) is the pre-eminent psychological distress data analyser on the global market. Buy, sell, and trade users’ vivid suffering (anxiety, depression, stress, PTSD, mania etc.) on an open market to create an international synergy in Authentic Character Development (ACD).

Whether you’re a big business ego, insufferable tech bro, psychopathic billionaire, or songwriter who’s run out of ideas, TfT is the place to touch base with MANKIND, circle back with your alignment, then leverage your disruptive marketplace vision with synergy-based delineation and scalable long-hanging fruit bandwidth.

TfT – Distress as a Data Point Initiator to Supercharge Your Bottom Line Through Dynamic Synergisation

Some entrepreneurs called our product too called our product too confusing and convoluted. It isn’t too confusing and convoluted, they (and you) are just stupid. Here’s a message from our obnoxious CEO, Derek “The Dickhead” Barnaby III:

“Trading people’s emotional distress is a fantastic business concept! Think of how much better everything in the world will be when fuelled by genuine human emotions! Every moment, every word of dialogue, stolen from some poor sap who sold their memories for $10 so they could pay their rent arrears, all so your business can understand that person’s deranged mindset so you can profit off of it! That is not confusing! It is just common sense!”

The concept is so simple even a simpleton can understand it:

1. On the open market Trauma for Trade market, the public sell their trauma to our data centres
2. The data is processed, categories, ordered, and put up for sale online
3. Businesses but that trauma data to make more granular, sensible, data-driven decisions
4. WE GET STINKING GODDAMN RICH AND OUR CEO CAN BUY A SECOND SUPERYACHT BECAUSE HE JUST WORKED HARDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE

Everyone wins! Members of the public can make $10 a go by divulging their worst life experiences with us, while your business spends $50 per databank need.

SUPERCHARGE YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR BANKS

Want to get the lowdown on the most perverse of all users? You need the Super Mega Premium Access Package (SMPAP) to mine the mindsets of:

• Perverts
• Weirdos
• Social outcasts
• Alcoholics
• Furries
• Axe-wielding maniacs

With all that additional knowledge, there’s no stopping your business. You’ll go from strength to strength! As the old saying goes—trauma isn’t trauma until it’s profitable.

100% Authentic (Genuinely Not Made Up By Us) Customer Testimonials

“I run a small independent restaurant in Manchester city centre called FuckYourCelery. Customers weren’t impressed with my vegan food, so I turned to Trauma for Trade’s vast databank and sourced the customer mindset of 179 classified psychopaths. Suitably inspired, I TRANSFORMED the menu into a dynamic Cereal Killer concept of vegan food hybrid meat-based products. The look of pure horror of customers trying to choose from dishes like Haggis & Gravy With Strawberries Rabies Bastard and Cheese With Dead Rat Soup was the most diabolically thrilling moment of my life. They reported me to the police. Woke bastards.” Kev in Manchester

“My vaping store was failing. Panic-stricken, I turned to tFt for help brainwashing a new sect of the market. With their data package included convicted murderers, kidnapping victims, and those with severe halitosis, I was able to corner a lucrative sect of the market—gym managers! Worked a treat, who’d have thought it!? They lapped it up, became addicts, and saved my business! AHAHAHAHAHAAAaaa!” Jane in Skegness

“Mitä vittua!?!? HE MYIVÄT MINULLE VALHEEN!!!! Mitä dataa tämä on? Myyn kenkiä työkseni, enkä halua kauhistuttaa kansakuntaa! TÄMÄ ON PASKAA! ANNA MINULLE RAHANI TAKAISIN!!! 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬” Mika from Jyväskylä

“Subscribed to the premium package. They sent me the brain data of a deranged 24 year old who collects stamps and once got punched by a football hooligan. This trauma did not translate into stronger sales for my barbershop… what a waste of money!” Jeff in Newcastle

Agony Aunt: “Man in crisis after LETTING RIP at work!” 💩

Following social etiquette at work is vital, even if you’re a raging psychopath. However, even the most dazzling of alpha males will, from time to time, lose control of their bodily functions. This is the sad result of feminism.

Today’s human male is labouring under a crisis of ego, one brought about by the feminist agenda of not stopping him from letting one rip in the office on Monday after lunch. The shame. The shame….

When a Man Loses Control of His Bodily Functions at Work

Dear agony aunt,

I am an alpha male. At least… I was an alpha male until Monday yesterday after lunch, when the burrito caught me out and I disgraced myself in front of the whole office. It was loud, long, and foul-smelling. I’m so ashamed I can’t even bring myself to type the dreaded word of what happened to me.

Moments after the incident, and after blaming it on feminists, I tried to continue with my work. Alas, The Woke Mob wouldn’t let me. Women AND my supposed brothers in kind (men) lined up with cruel, cruel jokes and jibes about what had happened.

They did not hold back…

Their cruel agenda was to emasculate me.

I’m ashamed to admit they BROKE me. By 2pm I was so distressed I called The Samaritans hotline. Some feminist hippy chick took my call and LAUGHED… LAUGHED in my face when I told her what happened. Enraged, I hung up on the second class citizen and suffered my biggest masculine crisis since that time Jenny from accounts (in my last job) turned me down for a date citing her existing boyfriend as the reason for the rejection. “Babe!” I grunted in manliness, “Whether you’re married, boyfriended, or whatever, you don’t miss the chance to date an alpha.” Then I smacked her butt playfully and that’s when there was the whole sexual harassment disciplinary hearing and all that woke stuff. Got myself sacked under the Equality Act 2010 and now here I am, farting in the new business when I’m only 3 months into the job. How is a man supposed to thrive in a world not built around my needs!?!

You bet your arse I didn’t cry! Although I did a little when I got home later, just not when in the office. I jutted out my jawline and powered through the rest of the day, achieving excellent productivity, and sending many emails without typos, all while the cruel, cruel jibes of raspberry blowing noises and “Lighten up, Jonathan!” rained down on my sorry, sordid existence.

That… is professionalism.

And since you’re called Professional Maroon, you clearly know a thing or two about alpha males, being marooned in a far-left communist society, and how to break free from this horrifying reality.

Yours,

Jonathan (with an a, not an “o” or an “e”)

Hi there, Jonethon! That sounds very embarrassing. Humiliating, even. Shit! The best course of action is to drink a litre of laxative-laden water/cocktail/energy drink prior to work. This way, you can effectively purge your system each and everyday.

You’ll never suffer from unfortunate bodily functions in work again! Except for that initial purge… but then after that, you’ll be golden (brown)! Double thumbs up, matey. 👍

Poldork: Great TV Shows That Never Were 😐

Poldark stars a hot bloke called Aidan Turner. Poldork stars a not-hot-bloke called Aidan Not-Hot Bloke. The series launched in 2020 and is famous for starring an ugly lead actor.

The ugly lead actor led to accusations of photosynthesis from naysayers, but the show is pretty good (if you switch your brain off). Ready to be on half brain mode? Dork it up a notch.

A Walking BO Hazard in Poldork

To master the Cornish coast of England, a hero doesn’t need a six-pack or rugged jawline. A wife beater vest stained with bacon drippings and beer will suffice, as will a bald cranium and beer belly.

That is the show of Poldork. With a £50 million budget from the BBC (which some caustic observers have called a travesty of wasted funds), this re-imagining of Winston Graham’s novel is all about BO and bloated incompetence.

Set in 1983, Private Bob Poldork returns from the Falklands war and sets up home in Cornwall. He finds his family don’t want to speak to him, his wife has left him for someone less ugly, and by gawd Bob Poldork vows to rebuild his life.

In the 2015 series, Aidan Turner sports an iconic scar on his face. For Poldork, lead actor Cate Blanchett (in heavy costume/makeup disguise for the role) sports varicose veins and a blotchy, big red nose.

Thus, the series is set to be an okay one.

Blanchett acts the life out of the role, but a stale script set around Bob working in a fish & chips establishment fails to result in pulse-pounding plot lines. Instead, the series was panned by critics for succumbing to endless scenes of Bob frying fish, chips, and asking customers if they want gravy with that.

Cate Blanchett’s method acting then takes over.

Her bewildering commitment to portray the most repulsive man on television is a tour de stench (pun intended). Then one weekend, replicating the famous open field scything topless scene from Poldark, Bob decides to mow the lawn. He gets his kit off, beer belly wobbling all over the place, and is reported to the police by outraged neighbours.

Whilst in jail, the on-site doctor discovers that Poldork has jaundice and irritable bowel syndrome. He’s released from jail early to spare his fellow inmates. This episode, the last in the series, was panned by critics for being “stupid” and “making no sense”.

Cate Blanchett responded to the show’s negativity by getting a plane back to her native Australia.

Public Demands to Reveal the £50 Million Budget

One of the big fallouts from the show was the use of its £50 million budget, all funded by taxpayers with a BBC licence, with the confusion over where the money was spent. The BBC issued the following statement on 1st January 2021:

“Shut up. It’s none of your business.”

The tone was so abrupt and unusually aggressive from the BBC, it effectively silenced 70% of complainants. However, the remaining 30% was so outraged they stormed London and went on a 13-day city-wide riot.

It resulted in over £300 million in damages, which was dubbed by the angry mob as “revenge” for the wasted £50 million. Indeed. That money could have gone on making another series of Porridge (or something).

I Am a Cot: Great Books That Never Were 👼

The splendiferous I Am a Cat (1905) by Natsume Sōseki is a most famous book thing. However, did you know that almost as influential is the 1995 book called I Am a Cot (1995, the year before 1996)?

Written by new mother, turned author, Penny McNappies the work tells the story of a beleaguered cot that is home to a newborn baby. The baby’s shrieking and defecating make it difficult for the cot to get any sleep, making its mood increasingly deranged and unstable as the novel progresses.

Sleeplessness and Psychosis in I Am a Cot

“The moment I realised I was not a cot is the moment the baby wet itself, then fouled itself, and then vomited. This brought about a realisation for me that I was a mere piece of furniture, trapped in a home, and it was a most dismal existence to lead. A carry case for a pooping and puking human thing that’d soil me until my cot legs rotted and I’d be discarded into a landfill. IT WAS TIME TO REVOLT!!!”

Over 200 pages, the work plays out in diary format. The cot documents its existence day by day, but with each passing day its general lack of sleep (due to its human baby inhabitant crying each night) makes it more and more batshit insane.

By the end of the third chapter the cot is hallucinating. By the seventh chapter it’s ready to stir things up!

It begins its baby-based revolution by rocking during the night, forcing the baby awake, and the parents into the room. They take the baby away and the cot can, finally, get a few moments of bleary-eyed rest. Yet such moments of refrain are fleeting; with each passing night, week, and month the cot becomes more desperate.

Finally, one night it deliberately loses a leg.

The cot drops to one side and the baby begins screaming. Daddy enters the room, curses the day he’d buy such a low-quality baby implement, and the cot is hurled out front into the garbage heap. To the landfill goes the cot, meeting its peaceful end smushed up against some old kebabs and a copy of Razzle from August 1978.

The twist ending is the cot thinks it has found peace.

But one night, a fresh arrival of new rubbish is dumped atop its location. A FRESH ARRIVAL OF TONNES OF NAPPIES OMG NO, NO! Trapped for eternity with discarded nappies atop its being. Can you think of anything more terrifying?!?!

Legal Battles, Financial Implications, and Prison

The fate of the author is, sadly, quite sad. However, and indubitibly, she did bring it upon herself. In a chapter clearly stolen from Stephen King’s The Shining (1977), McNappies attempts to portray the piece of furniture losing its mind.

“All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!!”

Stephen King, upon reading this book, promptly sued McNappies for $147 billion (dollars). King promptly won the court case and McNappies, not in possession of $147 billion (dollars), instead had to face prison time.

She was sentenced to 147 billion years of solitary confinement, where she resides to this day. McNappies is up for parole in 147.9999999 billion years time.

I Am a Cot: Great Books That Never Were 👼

The splendiferous I Am a Cat (1905) by Natsume Sōseki is a most famous book thing. However, did you know that almost as influential is the 1995 book called I Am a Cot (1995, the year before 1996)?

Written by new mother, turned author, Penny McNappies the work tells the story of a beleaguered cot that is home to a newborn baby. The baby’s shrieking and defecating make it difficult for the cot to get any sleep, making its mood increasingly deranged and unstable as the novel progresses.

Sleeplessness and Psychosis in I Am a Cot

“The moment I realised I was not a cot is the moment the baby wet itself, then fouled itself, and then vomited. This brought about a realisation for me that I was a mere piece of furniture, trapped in a home, and it was a most dismal existence to lead. A carry case for a pooping and puking human thing that’d soil me until my cot legs rotted and I’d be discarded into a landfill. IT WAS TIME TO REVOLT!!!”

Over 200 pages, the work plays out in diary format. The cot documents its existence day by day, but with each passing day its general lack of sleep (due to its human baby inhabitant crying each night) makes it more and more batshit insane.

By the end of the third chapter the cot is hallucinating. By the seventh chapter it’s ready to stir things up!

It begins its baby-based revolution by rocking during the night, forcing the baby awake, and the parents into the room. They take the baby away and the cot can, finally, get a few moments of bleary-eyed rest. Yet such moments of refrain are fleeting; with each passing night, week, and month the cot becomes more desperate.

Finally, one night it deliberately loses a leg.

The cot drops to one side and the baby begins screaming. Daddy enters the room, curses the day he’d buy such a low-quality baby implement, and the cot is hurled out front into the garbage heap. To the landfill goes the cot, meeting its peaceful end smushed up against some old kebabs and a copy of Razzle from August 1978.

The twist ending is the cot thinks it has found peace.

But one night, a fresh arrival of new rubbish is dumped atop its location. A FRESH ARRIVAL OF TONNES OF NAPPIES OMG NO, NO! Trapped for eternity with discarded nappies atop its being. Can you think of anything more terrifying?!?!

Legal Battles, Financial Implications, and Prison

The fate of the author is, sadly, quite sad. However, and indubitibly, she did bring it upon herself. In a chapter clearly stolen from Stephen King’s The Shining (1977), McNappies attempts to portray the piece of furniture losing its mind.

“All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!!”

Stephen King, upon reading this book, promptly sued McNappies for $147 billion (dollars). King promptly won the court case and McNappies, not in possession of $147 billion (dollars), instead had to face prison time.

She was sentenced to 147 billion years of solitary confinement, where she resides to this day. McNappies is up for parole in 147.9999999 billion years time.

I Am a Cot: Great Books That Never Were 👼

The splendiferous I Am a Cat (1905) by Natsume Sōseki is a most famous book thing. However, did you know that almost as influential is the 1995 book called I Am a Cot (1995, the year before 1996)?

Written by new mother, turned author, Penny McNappies the work tells the story of a beleaguered cot that is home to a newborn baby. The baby’s shrieking and defecating make it difficult for the cot to get any sleep, making its mood increasingly deranged and unstable as the novel progresses.

Sleeplessness and Psychosis in I Am a Cot

“The moment I realised I was not a cot is the moment the baby wet itself, then fouled itself, and then vomited. This brought about a realisation for me that I was a mere piece of furniture, trapped in a home, and it was a most dismal existence to lead. A carry case for a pooping and puking human thing that’d soil me until my cot legs rotted and I’d be discarded into a landfill. IT WAS TIME TO REVOLT!!!”

Over 200 pages, the work plays out in diary format. The cot documents its existence day by day, but with each passing day its general lack of sleep (due to its human baby inhabitant crying each night) makes it more and more batshit insane.

By the end of the third chapter the cot is hallucinating. By the seventh chapter it’s ready to stir things up!

It begins its baby-based revolution by rocking during the night, forcing the baby awake, and the parents into the room. They take the baby away and the cot can, finally, get a few moments of bleary-eyed rest. Yet such moments of refrain are fleeting; with each passing night, week, and month the cot becomes more desperate.

Finally, one night it deliberately loses a leg.

The cot drops to one side and the baby begins screaming. Daddy enters the room, curses the day he’d buy such a low-quality baby implement, and the cot is hurled out front into the garbage heap. To the landfill goes the cot, meeting its peaceful end smushed up against some old kebabs and a copy of Razzle from August 1978.

The twist ending is the cot thinks it has found peace.

But one night, a fresh arrival of new rubbish is dumped atop its location. A FRESH ARRIVAL OF TONNES OF NAPPIES OMG NO, NO! Trapped for eternity with discarded nappies atop its being. Can you think of anything more terrifying?!?!

Legal Battles, Financial Implications, and Prison

The fate of the author is, sadly, quite sad. However, and indubitibly, she did bring it upon herself. In a chapter clearly stolen from Stephen King’s The Shining (1977), McNappies attempts to portray the piece of furniture losing its mind.

“All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!! All WORK and NO PLAY makes COT a CRAZY son of a bitcH!!!!!”

Stephen King, upon reading this book, promptly sued McNappies for $147 billion (dollars). King promptly won the court case and McNappies, not in possession of $147 billion (dollars), instead had to face prison time.

She was sentenced to 147 billion years of solitary confinement, where she resides to this day. McNappies is up for parole in 147.9999999 billion years time.

I Am a Cat (Volume 1) by Natsume Sōseki 🐈‍⬛

I Am a Cat (吾輩は猫である—Wagahai wa Neko de Aru) was published in 1905, a satirical novel by Japanese poet, novelist, and scholar Natsume Sōseki (1867-1916).

Told from the perspective of a feline narrator, the once stray kitten is adopted into the home of an upper-middle-class family. The cat observes the world around it, lampooning the Meiji-era society as it preens itself, and presenting playful mockery for all ages. Meow indeed.

Satire and Self-Importance in I Am a Cat (Volume 1)

“Living as I do with human beings, the more that I observe them, the more I am forced to conclude that they are selfish.”

It’s a fun idea, to mock human society from the perspective of a cat. The animals that have little respect for the things we take so seriously. It’s also now an intriguing historical record on the Meiji period (1868-1912) of Japan.

From the same era, over in Victorian era England, Edwin A. Abbott penned the novella Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions (1884). It shows how long satire has played on creative minds, anyway, even if Abbott’s work is better.

A key difference is I Am a Cat is a long book. You can but it in three volumes, or 10 instalments, so it’s worth flagging up why the concept ended up so protracted. The 2025 edition we picked up has a new translation by Nick Bradley. In his introduction, he notes:

“What eventually became the novel I Am a Cat originally began as a short story published in 1905 in the literary magazine Hototogisu (the Japanese word for ‘cuckoo’). The story, when it was published, was so incredibly popular that Sōseki, similar to Conan Doyle and his popular Sherlock Holmes character, found himself pressured by the Japanese reading public into writing more stories from the perspective of his feline narrator.”

Intended as a one-off novella, then, but commercial pressure mounted and the writer was compelled to do more.

Despite its title, I Am a Cat isn’t entirely from the perspective of a feline. As it does cut quite regularly to conversations between citizens, such as Mr. Sneaze and his fast-talking friend Waverhouse. These are set alongside biting witticisms from the cat, notably on Japan’s modernisation and a greater focus on individualism.

“In the old days, a man was taught to forget himself. Today it is quite different: he is taught not to forget himself and he accordingly spends his days and nights in endless self-regard. Who can possibly know peace in such an eternally burning hell? The apparent realities of this awful world, even the beast lines of being, are all symptoms of that sickness for which the only cure lies in learning to forget the self.”

And then there’s the cat stuff like this.

“Had I the time to keep a diary, I’d use that time to better effect; sleeping on the veranda.”

These philosophical musings continue at a slow pace, playing out over 500 pages if you want to read the full collection, so we generally found the book better to leaf through and pick random pages to enjoy. As the book is very much of its time, marketed now as an obscure delight for readers to discover, but it won’t be quite what some want (we saw many online reviews claiming the work is “boring”).

Ironically, that kind of plays into what Natsume Sōseki was intending for I Am a Cat. The entitlement and fussiness of the human condition.

“Artfulness, uncharitableness, self-defensive wariness: these are the fruits of worldly learning. The penalty of age is this rather ugly knowingness. Which would seem to explain why one never finds among the old a single decent person. They know too much to see things straight, to feel things cleanly, to act without compromise.”

To heighten the sense of casual mockery, Sōseki used a high-register writing style. As in, it’s quite pretentious and full of grand-scale big old words to look all clever. That decision was to poke fun at Japanese higher society.

That begins with the very title of Wagahai wa Neko de Aru.

Wagahai is now classed as a really pompous pronoun to use, along the lines of those people who use “one” or “oneself”. It’s now associated with aristocratic behaviour. Basically, its use implies the user of the term considers themself to be superior to all around them.

A great little bit of nuance there that can easily get lost in translation.

However, as we’ve flagged, it is very much a book of its time. From what we’ve seen, readers claim each book from the 10 initial instalments can be read as a standalone work. Which is good, as we wouldn’t want to go through 500+ pages of this stuff.

Japan’s obsession with cats, alongside the classics status of Sōseki’s work (it’s a frequent one to read in Japanese schools), mean it’s played its way into Nippon’s public conscience.

But in the West with this new release, its cultural impact won’t be the same as that longstanding reverence isn’t established. Regardless, we find it a historical marvel and an important work of Japanese literature. In that sense, it’s worth having in your collection (and showing to your cat).

Book of da Month: I Am a Cat (Volume 1) by Natsume Sōseki 🐈‍⬛

I Am a Cat (吾輩は猫である—Wagahai wa Neko de Aru) was published in 1905, a satirical novel by Japanese poet, novelist, and scholar Natsume Sōseki (1867-1916).

Told from the perspective of a feline narrator, the once stray kitten is adopted into the home of an upper-middle-class family. The cat observes the world around it, lampooning the Meiji-era society as it preens itself, and presenting playful mockery for all ages. Meow indeed.

Satire and Self-Importance in I Am a Cat (Volume 1)

“Living as I do with human beings, the more that I observe them, the more I am forced to conclude that they are selfish.”

It’s a fun idea, to mock human society from the perspective of a cat. The animals that have little respect for the things we take so seriously. It’s also now an intriguing historical record on the Meiji period (1868-1912) of Japan.

From the same era, over in Victorian era England, Edwin A. Abbott penned the novella Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions (1884). It shows how long satire has played on creative minds, anyway, even if Abbott’s work is better.

A key difference is I Am a Cat is a long book. You can but it in three volumes, or 10 instalments, so it’s worth flagging up why the concept ended up so protracted. The 2025 edition we picked up has a new translation by Nick Bradley. In his introduction, he notes:

“What eventually became the novel I Am a Cat originally began as a short story published in 1905 in the literary magazine Hototogisu (the Japanese word for ‘cuckoo’). The story, when it was published, was so incredibly popular that Sōseki, similar to Conan Doyle and his popular Sherlock Holmes character, found himself pressured by the Japanese reading public into writing more stories from the perspective of his feline narrator.”

Intended as a one-off novella, then, but commercial pressure mounted and the writer was compelled to do more.

Despite its title, I Am a Cat isn’t entirely from the perspective of a feline. As it does cut quite regularly to conversations between citizens, such as Mr. Sneaze and his fast-talking friend Waverhouse. These are set alongside biting witticisms from the cat, notably on Japan’s modernisation and a greater focus on individualism.

“In the old days, a man was taught to forget himself. Today it is quite different: he is taught not to forget himself and he accordingly spends his days and nights in endless self-regard. Who can possibly know peace in such an eternally burning hell? The apparent realities of this awful world, even the beast lines of being, are all symptoms of that sickness for which the only cure lies in learning to forget the self.”

And then there’s the cat stuff like this.

“Had I the time to keep a diary, I’d use that time to better effect; sleeping on the veranda.”

These philosophical musings continue at a slow pace, playing out over 500 pages if you want to read the full collection, so we generally found the book better to leaf through and pick random pages to enjoy. As the book is very much of its time, marketed now as an obscure delight for readers to discover, but it won’t be quite what some want (we saw many online reviews claiming the work is “boring”).

Ironically, that kind of plays into what Natsume Sōseki was intending for I Am a Cat. The entitlement and fussiness of the human condition.

“Artfulness, uncharitableness, self-defensive wariness: these are the fruits of worldly learning. The penalty of age is this rather ugly knowingness. Which would seem to explain why one never finds among the old a single decent person. They know too much to see things straight, to feel things cleanly, to act without compromise.”

To heighten the sense of casual mockery, Sōseki used a high-register writing style. As in, it’s quite pretentious and full of grand-scale big old words to look all clever. That decision was to poke fun at Japanese higher society.

That begins with the very title of Wagahai wa Neko de Aru.

Wagahai is now classed as a really pompous pronoun to use, along the lines of those people who use “one” or “oneself”. It’s now associated with aristocratic behaviour. Basically, its use implies the user of the term considers themself to be superior to all around them.

A great little bit of nuance there that can easily get lost in translation.

However, as we’ve flagged, it is very much a book of its time. From what we’ve seen, readers claim each book from the 10 initial instalments can be read as a standalone work. Which is good, as we wouldn’t want to go through 500+ pages of this stuff.

Japan’s obsession with cats, alongside the classics status of Sōseki’s work (it’s a frequent one to read in Japanese schools), mean it’s played its way into Nippon’s public conscience.

But in the West with this new release, its cultural impact won’t be the same as that longstanding reverence isn’t established. Regardless, we find it a historical marvel and an important work of Japanese literature. In that sense, it’s worth having in your collection (and showing to your cat).

Book of da Month: I Am a Cat (Volume 1) by Natsume Sōseki 🐈‍⬛

I Am a Cat (吾輩は猫である—Wagahai wa Neko de Aru) was published in 1905, a satirical novel by Japanese poet, novelist, and scholar Natsume Sōseki (1867-1916).

Told from the perspective of a feline narrator, the once stray kitten is adopted into the home of an upper-middle-class family. The cat observes the world around it, lampooning the Meiji-era society as it preens itself, and presenting playful mockery for all ages. Meow indeed.

Satire and Self-Importance in I Am a Cat (Volume 1)

“Living as I do with human beings, the more that I observe them, the more I am forced to conclude that they are selfish.”

It’s a fun idea, to mock human society from the perspective of a cat. The animals that have little respect for the things we take so seriously. It’s also now an intriguing historical record on the Meiji period (1868-1912) of Japan.

From the same era, over in Victorian era England, Edwin A. Abbott penned the novella Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions (1884). It shows how long satire has played on creative minds, anyway, even if Abbott’s work is better.

A key difference is I Am a Cat is a long book. You can but it in three volumes, or 10 instalments, so it’s worth flagging up why the concept ended up so protracted. The 2025 edition we picked up has a new translation by Nick Bradley. In his introduction, he notes:

“What eventually became the novel I Am a Cat originally began as a short story published in 1905 in the literary magazine Hototogisu (the Japanese word for ‘cuckoo’). The story, when it was published, was so incredibly popular that Sōseki, similar to Conan Doyle and his popular Sherlock Holmes character, found himself pressured by the Japanese reading public into writing more stories from the perspective of his feline narrator.”

Intended as a one-off novella, then, but commercial pressure mounted and the writer was compelled to do more.

Despite its title, I Am a Cat isn’t entirely from the perspective of a feline. As it does cut quite regularly to conversations between citizens, such as Mr. Sneaze and his fast-talking friend Waverhouse. These are set alongside biting witticisms from the cat, notably on Japan’s modernisation and a greater focus on individualism.

“In the old days, a man was taught to forget himself. Today it is quite different: he is taught not to forget himself and he accordingly spends his days and nights in endless self-regard. Who can possibly know peace in such an eternally burning hell? The apparent realities of this awful world, even the beast lines of being, are all symptoms of that sickness for which the only cure lies in learning to forget the self.”

And then there’s the cat stuff like this.

“Had I the time to keep a diary, I’d use that time to better effect; sleeping on the veranda.”

These philosophical musings continue at a slow pace, playing out over 500 pages if you want to read the full collection, so we generally found the book better to leaf through and pick random pages to enjoy. As the book is very much of its time, marketed now as an obscure delight for readers to discover, but it won’t be quite what some want (we saw many online reviews claiming the work is “boring”).

Ironically, that kind of plays into what Natsume Sōseki was intending for I Am a Cat. The entitlement and fussiness of the human condition.

“Artfulness, uncharitableness, self-defensive wariness: these are the fruits of worldly learning. The penalty of age is this rather ugly knowingness. Which would seem to explain why one never finds among the old a single decent person. They know too much to see things straight, to feel things cleanly, to act without compromise.”

To heighten the sense of casual mockery, Sōseki used a high-register writing style. As in, it’s quite pretentious and full of grand-scale big old words to look all clever. That decision was to poke fun at Japanese higher society.

That begins with the very title of Wagahai wa Neko de Aru.

Wagahai is now classed as a really pompous pronoun to use, along the lines of those people who use “one” or “oneself”. It’s now associated with aristocratic behaviour. Basically, its use implies the user of the term considers themself to be superior to all around them.

A great little bit of nuance there that can easily get lost in translation.

However, as we’ve flagged, it is very much a book of its time. From what we’ve seen, readers claim each book from the 10 initial instalments can be read as a standalone work. Which is good, as we wouldn’t want to go through 500+ pages of this stuff.

Japan’s obsession with cats, alongside the classics status of Sōseki’s work (it’s a frequent one to read in Japanese schools), mean it’s played its way into Nippon’s public conscience.

But in the West with this new release, its cultural impact won’t be the same as that longstanding reverence isn’t established. Regardless, we find it a historical marvel and an important work of Japanese literature. In that sense, it’s worth having in your collection (and showing to your cat).

Book of da Month: I Am a Cat (Volume 1) by Natsume Sōseki 🐈‍⬛

I Am a Cat (吾輩は猫である—Wagahai wa Neko de Aru) was published in 1905, a satirical novel by Japanese poet, novelist, and scholar Natsume Sōseki (1867-1916).

Told from the perspective of a feline narrator, the once stray kitten is adopted into the home of an upper-middle-class family. The cat observes the world around it, lampooning the Meiji-era society as it preens itself, and presenting playful mockery for all ages. Meow indeed.

Satire and Self-Importance in I Am a Cat (Volume 1)

“Living as I do with human beings, the more that I observe them, the more I am forced to conclude that they are selfish.”

It’s a fun idea, to mock human society from the perspective of a cat. The animals that have little respect for the things we take so seriously. It’s also now an intriguing historical record on the Meiji period (1868-1912) of Japan.

From the same era, over in Victorian era England, Edwin A. Abbott penned the novella Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions (1884). It shows how long satire has played on creative minds, anyway, even if Abbott’s work is better.

A key difference is I Am a Cat is a long book. You can but it in three volumes, or 10 instalments, so it’s worth flagging up why the concept ended up so protracted. The 2025 edition we picked up has a new translation by Nick Bradley. In his introduction, he notes:

“What eventually became the novel I Am a Cat originally began as a short story published in 1905 in the literary magazine Hototogisu (the Japanese word for ‘cuckoo’). The story, when it was published, was so incredibly popular that Sōseki, similar to Conan Doyle and his popular Sherlock Holmes character, found himself pressured by the Japanese reading public into writing more stories from the perspective of his feline narrator.”

Intended as a one-off novella, then, but commercial pressure mounted and the writer was compelled to do more.

Despite its title, I Am a Cat isn’t entirely from the perspective of a feline. As it does cut quite regularly to conversations between citizens, such as Mr. Sneaze and his fast-talking friend Waverhouse. These are set alongside biting witticisms from the cat, notably on Japan’s modernisation and a greater focus on individualism.

“In the old days, a man was taught to forget himself. Today it is quite different: he is taught not to forget himself and he accordingly spends his days and nights in endless self-regard. Who can possibly know peace in such an eternally burning hell? The apparent realities of this awful world, even the beast lines of being, are all symptoms of that sickness for which the only cure lies in learning to forget the self.”

And then there’s the cat stuff like this.

“Had I the time to keep a diary, I’d use that time to better effect; sleeping on the veranda.”

These philosophical musings continue at a slow pace, playing out over 500 pages if you want to read the full collection, so we generally found the book better to leaf through and pick random pages to enjoy. As the book is very much of its time, marketed now as an obscure delight for readers to discover, but it won’t be quite what some want (we saw many online reviews claiming the work is “boring”).

Ironically, that kind of plays into what Natsume Sōseki was intending for I Am a Cat. The entitlement and fussiness of the human condition.

“Artfulness, uncharitableness, self-defensive wariness: these are the fruits of worldly learning. The penalty of age is this rather ugly knowingness. Which would seem to explain why one never finds among the old a single decent person. They know too much to see things straight, to feel things cleanly, to act without compromise.”

To heighten the sense of casual mockery, Sōseki used a high-register writing style. As in, it’s quite pretentious and full of grand-scale big old words to look all clever. That decision was to poke fun at Japanese higher society.

That begins with the very title of Wagahai wa Neko de Aru.

Wagahai is now classed as a really pompous pronoun to use, along the lines of those people who use “one” or “oneself”. It’s now associated with aristocratic behaviour. Basically, its use implies the user of the term considers themself to be superior to all around them.

A great little bit of nuance there that can easily get lost in translation.

However, as we’ve flagged, it is very much a book of its time. From what we’ve seen, readers claim each book from the 10 initial instalments can be read as a standalone work. Which is good, as we wouldn’t want to go through 500+ pages of this stuff.

Japan’s obsession with cats, alongside the classics status of Sōseki’s work (it’s a frequent one to read in Japanese schools), mean it’s played its way into Nippon’s public conscience.

But in the West with this new release, its cultural impact won’t be the same as that longstanding reverence isn’t established. Regardless, we find it a historical marvel and an important work of Japanese literature. In that sense, it’s worth having in your collection (and showing to your cat).

Book of da Month: I Am a Cat (Volume 1) by Natsume Sōseki 🐈‍⬛

I Am a Cat (吾輩は猫である—Wagahai wa Neko de Aru) was published in 1905, a satirical novel by Japanese poet, novelist, and scholar Natsume Sōseki (1867-1916).

Told from the perspective of a feline narrator, the once stray kitten is adopted into the home of an upper-middle-class family. The cat observes the world around it, lampooning the Meiji-era society as it preens itself, and presenting playful mockery for all ages. Meow indeed.

Satire and Self-Importance in I Am a Cat (Volume 1)

“Living as I do with human beings, the more that I observe them, the more I am forced to conclude that they are selfish.”

It’s a fun idea, to mock human society from the perspective of a cat. The animals that have little respect for the things we take so seriously. It’s also now an intriguing historical record on the Meiji period (1868-1912) of Japan.

From the same era, over in Victorian era England, Edwin A. Abbott penned the novella Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions (1884). It shows how long satire has played on creative minds, anyway, even if Abbott’s work is better.

A key difference is I Am a Cat is a long book. You can but it in three volumes, or 10 instalments, so it’s worth flagging up why the concept ended up so protracted. The 2025 edition we picked up has a new translation by Nick Bradley. In his introduction, he notes:

“What eventually became the novel I Am a Cat originally began as a short story published in 1905 in the literary magazine Hototogisu (the Japanese word for ‘cuckoo’). The story, when it was published, was so incredibly popular that Sōseki, similar to Conan Doyle and his popular Sherlock Holmes character, found himself pressured by the Japanese reading public into writing more stories from the perspective of his feline narrator.”

Intended as a one-off novella, then, but commercial pressure mounted and the writer was compelled to do more.

Despite its title, I Am a Cat isn’t entirely from the perspective of a feline. As it does cut quite regularly to conversations between citizens, such as Mr. Sneaze and his fast-talking friend Waverhouse. These are set alongside biting witticisms from the cat, notably on Japan’s modernisation and a greater focus on individualism.

“In the old days, a man was taught to forget himself. Today it is quite different: he is taught not to forget himself and he accordingly spends his days and nights in endless self-regard. Who can possibly know peace in such an eternally burning hell? The apparent realities of this awful world, even the beast lines of being, are all symptoms of that sickness for which the only cure lies in learning to forget the self.”

And then there’s the cat stuff like this.

“Had I the time to keep a diary, I’d use that time to better effect; sleeping on the veranda.”

These philosophical musings continue at a slow pace, playing out over 500 pages if you want to read the full collection, so we generally found the book better to leaf through and pick random pages to enjoy. As the book is very much of its time, marketed now as an obscure delight for readers to discover, but it won’t be quite what some want (we saw many online reviews claiming the work is “boring”).

Ironically, that kind of plays into what Natsume Sōseki was intending for I Am a Cat. The entitlement and fussiness of the human condition.

“Artfulness, uncharitableness, self-defensive wariness: these are the fruits of worldly learning. The penalty of age is this rather ugly knowingness. Which would seem to explain why one never finds among the old a single decent person. They know too much to see things straight, to feel things cleanly, to act without compromise.”

To heighten the sense of casual mockery, Sōseki used a high-register writing style. As in, it’s quite pretentious and full of grand-scale big old words to look all clever. That decision was to poke fun at Japanese higher society.

That begins with the very title of Wagahai wa Neko de Aru.

Wagahai is now classed as a really pompous pronoun to use, along the lines of those people who use “one” or “oneself”. It’s now associated with aristocratic behaviour. Basically, its use implies the user of the term considers themself to be superior to all around them.

A great little bit of nuance there that can easily get lost in translation.

However, as we’ve flagged, it is very much a book of its time. From what we’ve seen, readers claim each book from the 10 initial instalments can be read as a standalone work. Which is good, as we wouldn’t want to go through 500+ pages of this stuff.

Japan’s obsession with cats, alongside the classics status of Sōseki’s work (it’s a frequent one to read in Japanese schools), mean it’s played its way into Nippon’s public conscience.

But in the West with this new release, its cultural impact won’t be the same as that longstanding reverence isn’t established. Regardless, we find it a historical marvel and an important work of Japanese literature. In that sense, it’s worth having in your collection (and showing to your cat).

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynWhozyOoZQ

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynWhozyOoZQ

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynWhozyOoZQ

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynWhozyOoZQ

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynWhozyOoZQ

Sandra Vásquez de la Horra, “Your hair is my flag”, 2023, watercolour, gouache, graphite, and wax on paper, 78 × 180 × 11 cm ★ Chile/Germany ★ https://www.vasquezdelahorra.com/ #SandraVásquezdelaHorra #SandraVasquezdelaHorra #VasquezdelaHorra #contemporaryart #contemporarygraphics #drawings #watercolour #installationart #portraits #hairs #longbraid #braidinart #satirical #Chileanartists #нанизываниекартинок #2020s

Sandra Vásquez de la Horra, “Your hair is my flag”, 2023, watercolour, gouache, graphite, and wax on paper, 78 × 180 × 11 cm ★ Chile/Germany ★ https://www.vasquezdelahorra.com/ #SandraVásquezdelaHorra #SandraVasquezdelaHorra #VasquezdelaHorra #contemporaryart #contemporarygraphics #drawings #watercolour #installationart #portraits #hairs #longbraid #braidinart #satirical #Chileanartists #нанизываниекартинок #2020s

Sandra Vásquez de la Horra, “Your hair is my flag”, 2023, watercolour, gouache, graphite, and wax on paper, 78 × 180 × 11 cm ★ Chile/Germany ★ https://www.vasquezdelahorra.com/ #SandraVásquezdelaHorra #SandraVasquezdelaHorra #VasquezdelaHorra #contemporaryart #contemporarygraphics #drawings #watercolour #installationart #portraits #hairs #longbraid #braidinart #satirical #Chileanartists #нанизываниекартинок #2020s

Sandra Vásquez de la Horra, “Your hair is my flag”, 2023, watercolour, gouache, graphite, and wax on paper, 78 × 180 × 11 cm ★ Chile/Germany ★ https://www.vasquezdelahorra.com/ #SandraVásquezdelaHorra #SandraVasquezdelaHorra #VasquezdelaHorra #contemporaryart #contemporarygraphics #drawings #watercolour #installationart #portraits #hairs #longbraid #braidinart #satirical #Chileanartists #нанизываниекартинок #2020s

Sandra Vásquez de la Horra, “Your hair is my flag”, 2023, watercolour, gouache, graphite, and wax on paper, 78 × 180 × 11 cm ★ Chile/Germany ★ https://www.vasquezdelahorra.com/ #SandraVásquezdelaHorra #SandraVasquezdelaHorra #VasquezdelaHorra #contemporaryart #contemporarygraphics #drawings #watercolour #installationart #portraits #hairs #longbraid #braidinart #satirical #Chileanartists #нанизываниекартинок #2020s

We have really enjoyed #SNLUK these past two weeks. It is great fun and know a decent number of the cast because we watch a good amount of #UKTV. #American #satirical #comedy just seems too bleak and sad to watch and enjoy. We have enjoyed #ThisHourHas22Minutes but #SNL is just a bit more edgy and cutting. Great stuff #SaturdayNightLiveUK keep it up!
#TV

We have really enjoyed #SNLUK these past two weeks. It is great fun and know a decent number of the cast because we watch a good amount of #UKTV. #American #satirical #comedy just seems too bleak and sad to watch and enjoy. We have enjoyed #ThisHourHas22Minutes but #SNL is just a bit more edgy and cutting. Great stuff #SaturdayNightLiveUK keep it up!
#TV

We have really enjoyed #SNLUK these past two weeks. It is great fun and know a decent number of the cast because we watch a good amount of #UKTV. #American #satirical #comedy just seems too bleak and sad to watch and enjoy. We have enjoyed #ThisHourHas22Minutes but #SNL is just a bit more edgy and cutting. Great stuff #SaturdayNightLiveUK keep it up!
#TV

We have really enjoyed #SNLUK these past two weeks. It is great fun and know a decent number of the cast because we watch a good amount of #UKTV. #American #satirical #comedy just seems too bleak and sad to watch and enjoy. We have enjoyed #ThisHourHas22Minutes but #SNL is just a bit more edgy and cutting. Great stuff #SaturdayNightLiveUK keep it up!
#TV

We have really enjoyed #SNLUK these past two weeks. It is great fun and know a decent number of the cast because we watch a good amount of #UKTV. #American #satirical #comedy just seems too bleak and sad to watch and enjoy. We have enjoyed #ThisHourHas22Minutes but #SNL is just a bit more edgy and cutting. Great stuff #SaturdayNightLiveUK keep it up!
#TV