#satirical — Public Fediverse posts

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

*sung as if Sublime’s Santeria*

♫ I don’t practice Trumporrhea
I don’t got explosive poops
But, if we had some public health
not just some stupid dupes
Then we could fine that Taylor
And then send their stock to hell
Well, I’d fed that bad CEO all the shit they sell ♫

#cyclospora #TaylorFarms #parody #funny #parasite #satirical #diarrhea

*sung as if Sublime’s Santeria*

♫ I don’t practice Trumporrhea
I don’t got explosive poops
But, if we had some public health
not just some stupid dupes
Then we could fine that Taylor
And then send their stock to hell
Well, I’d fed that bad CEO all the shit they sell ♫

#cyclospora #TaylorFarms #parody #funny #parasite #satirical #diarrhea

Ask Dr. Moron: “Are bangs dangerous for my hair in summer?” 💣💥🧨

To bangs or not to bangs? That is the haircut question. As once summer hits, the human female is up against a plethora of essential hair decisions. One of which may be to do bangs (or not).

Today’s filly in distress is here to pose such a question to our esteemed Dr. Moron, a man whom faced (and defeated) male pattern balding at age 31 and knows nothing about bangs (or hair for that matter) now aged 41. Such is his medical brilliance, he’s not letting that save this dame from herself.

The Dangers of Bangs During the Summer

Disclaimer: Pay no attention at all to our medical "advice", it is utter nonsense and you would be an imbecile to take any of it seriously (you foolish cretin).

Dear Dr. Moron,

I’m thinking of getting bangs as a cute new summer hairdo. What do you think? I’m 21, incredibly good looking (so can pull most hairdos off tbh) and a woman. I’m single atm and want to get some dead fit guys interested in me.

Will bangs do that, or will too many of them be slaughtered in the subsequent explosions associated with this type of fringe? Because I don’t want to be done for murder or anything, I just want a nice new haircut to impress my mates and get hot blokes interested in me.

My current look isn’t cutting it (no pun intended there) so yeah. Just want bangs, that’d do it right? So long as it doesn’t kill no one, as previously indicated (really gotta stress that point), so yeah let me know what you think. You dealt with many bangs related severe injuries and the like?

Kind regards,

Rachel

Hi there, Rachel. Yes, I have indeed had to deal with many horrific injuries as a direct result of the bangs haircut. It’s truly one of the most violent hairdos known to humankind and it’s very selfish to pursue this look, not least due to the devastation to:

• Buildings and other constructions
• Anyone you’re dating
• Your singed eyebrows

Do you want singed eyebrows, Rachel? Do you!? Well, that’s what going to happen with bangs. Plus, there’s the possibility your hair will explode during a date and wipe your date, you, and the place you’re in (e.g. a bar) out in one foul swoop.

Do you want that on your conscience, Rachel? Do you!?

Exactly, so there’s only one viable solution here. You need to buy a pair of buzzers and shave all your hair off. That may be in the exact opposite direction of where you wanted to head, but when people’s lives are on the line you just need to do the right thing, love. All the best.

Ask Dr. Moron: “Are bangs dangerous for my hair in summer?” 💣💥🧨

To bangs or not to bangs? That is the haircut question. As once summer hits, the human female is up against a plethora of essential hair decisions. One of which may be to do bangs (or not).

Today’s filly in distress is here to pose such a question to our esteemed Dr. Moron, a man whom faced (and defeated) male pattern balding at age 31 and knows nothing about bangs (or hair for that matter) now aged 41. Such is his medical brilliance, he’s not letting that save this dame from herself.

The Dangers of Bangs During the Summer

Disclaimer: Pay no attention at all to our medical "advice", it is utter nonsense and you would be an imbecile to take any of it seriously (you foolish cretin).

Dear Dr. Moron,

I’m thinking of getting bangs as a cute new summer hairdo. What do you think? I’m 21, incredibly good looking (so can pull most hairdos off tbh) and a woman. I’m single atm and want to get some dead fit guys interested in me.

Will bangs do that, or will too many of them be slaughtered in the subsequent explosions associated with this type of fringe? Because I don’t want to be done for murder or anything, I just want a nice new haircut to impress my mates and get hot blokes interested in me.

My current look isn’t cutting it (no pun intended there) so yeah. Just want bangs, that’d do it right? So long as it doesn’t kill no one, as previously indicated (really gotta stress that point), so yeah let me know what you think. You dealt with many bangs related severe injuries and the like?

Kind regards,

Rachel

Hi there, Rachel. Yes, I have indeed had to deal with many horrific injuries as a direct result of the bangs haircut. It’s truly one of the most violent hairdos known to humankind and it’s very selfish to pursue this look, not least due to the devastation to:

• Buildings and other constructions
• Anyone you’re dating
• Your singed eyebrows

Do you want singed eyebrows, Rachel? Do you!? Well, that’s what going to happen with bangs. Plus, there’s the possibility your hair will explode during a date and wipe your date, you, and the place you’re in (e.g. a bar) out in one foul swoop.

Do you want that on your conscience, Rachel? Do you!?

Exactly, so there’s only one viable solution here. You need to buy a pair of buzzers and shave all your hair off. That may be in the exact opposite direction of where you wanted to head, but when people’s lives are on the line you just need to do the right thing, love. All the best.

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynWhozyOoZQ

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynWhozyOoZQ

Hop-Line: 24/7 Helpline for Frogs and Toads 🐸 [Sponsored Post]

Wart’s up, froggos and toads? In this stressful 24/7 frog race world of work, hopping, ribbits, and vacant staring into the middle distance, it’s always nice to know a kindly listening frog is only a phone call away.

Whether you have Kermit-ment issues to your amphibian spouse, you’ve lost your lily pad, or you don’t see the point in hopping no more, call the Hop-Line today to resolve all your ills.

Is Your Pond a Toxic Swamp? Call Now On: 1-900-RIBB-IT

Our Hop-Line is staffed 24/7 by a team of 33,000 eager good Samaritan volunteer frogs and toads with nothing better to do with their team than help others.

We know your pain points, for frogs have many issues in life. So hop to it, give us a call, and discuss issues such as:

• Why you always feel so slimy and gross
• Why the neighbourhood cat keeps prodding you with its paws
• The nature and being of herons
• Raising an army of 300 frog spawn and the problems they bring
• You can’t hop, won’t hop, yet want to hop

So, whether you’re a tadpole facing employment issues or a bullfrog dealing with a mass of noise complaints, you can call us NOW to deal with:

• Metamorphosis anxiety: Woken up and your tail is gone? We’re got a cream for that!
• Dietary fatigue: Bored of eating nothing but the same species? You need to switch to a new diet, carefully honed to your needs by our expert frog chefs!
• Relationship red flags: Is that other frog into you, or is he simply inflating his vocal sac to assert dominance in his bid for pond retention status? We have the answers! Ribbit!

Call us now on: 1-900-RIBB-IT. It’s COMPLETELY FREE (as opposed to partially free)!

And, of course, we know you don’t own, know how to operate, and have no concept of what a phone call is. You’re a frog/toad after all! Instead, simply rear your head to the sky and ribbit that number: 1-900-RIBB-IT.

Once we hear you, we’ll eventually send one of our experts to you destination within 12 months to 35 years later.

Testimonials From Our Happy Hop-Line Customers

“Ribbit!” Jeff the frog

“CroooOak.” John the toad

“Ribbit! Croak…” Bob the frog

“Qwark! Qwarrrrrk! Qwark.” Mike the toad

“One contacted this God-forsaken supposed ‘helpline’ for advice on the many acres of land within one’s hereditary lineage. To one’s eternal shock, all one could hear were the sounds of God-forsaken frogs croaking, ribbiting, and qwarking upon the other end of one’s receiver. Greatly dismayed, one abandoned the call and stalked off to berate one of one’s numerous and plentiful underpaid maids.” Dame Penelope Twistleton-Clad Smithson III of Dorchester

Hop-Line: 24/7 Helpline for Frogs and Toads 🐸 [Sponsored Post]

Wart’s up, froggos and toads? In this stressful 24/7 frog race world of work, hopping, ribbits, and vacant staring into the middle distance, it’s always nice to know a kindly listening frog is only a phone call away.

Whether you have Kermit-ment issues to your amphibian spouse, you’ve lost your lily pad, or you don’t see the point in hopping no more, call the Hop-Line today to resolve all your ills.

Is Your Pond a Toxic Swamp? Call Now On: 1-900-RIBB-IT

Our Hop-Line is staffed 24/7 by a team of 33,000 eager good Samaritan volunteer frogs and toads with nothing better to do with their team than help others.

We know your pain points, for frogs have many issues in life. So hop to it, give us a call, and discuss issues such as:

• Why you always feel so slimy and gross
• Why the neighbourhood cat keeps prodding you with its paws
• The nature and being of herons
• Raising an army of 300 frog spawn and the problems they bring
• You can’t hop, won’t hop, yet want to hop

So, whether you’re a tadpole facing employment issues or a bullfrog dealing with a mass of noise complaints, you can call us NOW to deal with:

• Metamorphosis anxiety: Woken up and your tail is gone? We’re got a cream for that!
• Dietary fatigue: Bored of eating nothing but the same species? You need to switch to a new diet, carefully honed to your needs by our expert frog chefs!
• Relationship red flags: Is that other frog into you, or is he simply inflating his vocal sac to assert dominance in his bid for pond retention status? We have the answers! Ribbit!

Call us now on: 1-900-RIBB-IT. It’s COMPLETELY FREE (as opposed to partially free)!

And, of course, we know you don’t own, know how to operate, and have no concept of what a phone call is. You’re a frog/toad after all! Instead, simply rear your head to the sky and ribbit that number: 1-900-RIBB-IT.

Once we hear you, we’ll eventually send one of our experts to you destination within 12 months to 35 years later.

Testimonials From Our Happy Hop-Line Customers

“Ribbit!” Jeff the frog

“CroooOak.” John the toad

“Ribbit! Croak…” Bob the frog

“Qwark! Qwarrrrrk! Qwark.” Mike the toad

“One contacted this God-forsaken supposed ‘helpline’ for advice on the many acres of land within one’s hereditary lineage. To one’s eternal shock, all one could hear were the sounds of God-forsaken frogs croaking, ribbiting, and qwarking upon the other end of one’s receiver. Greatly dismayed, one abandoned the call and stalked off to berate one of one’s numerous and plentiful underpaid maids.” Dame Penelope Twistleton-Clad Smithson III of Dorchester

Hop-Line: 24/7 Helpline for Frogs and Toads 🐸 [Sponsored Post]

Wart’s up, froggos and toads? In this stressful 24/7 frog race world of work, hopping, ribbits, and vacant staring into the middle distance, it’s always nice to know a kindly listening frog is only a phone call away.

Whether you have Kermit-ment issues to your amphibian spouse, you’ve lost your lily pad, or you don’t see the point in hopping no more, call the Hop-Line today to resolve all your ills.

Is Your Pond a Toxic Swamp? Call Now On: 1-900-RIBB-IT

Our Hop-Line is staffed 24/7 by a team of 33,000 eager good Samaritan volunteer frogs and toads with nothing better to do with their team than help others.

We know your pain points, for frogs have many issues in life. So hop to it, give us a call, and discuss issues such as:

• Why you always feel so slimy and gross
• Why the neighbourhood cat keeps prodding you with its paws
• The nature and being of herons
• Raising an army of 300 frog spawn and the problems they bring
• You can’t hop, won’t hop, yet want to hop

So, whether you’re a tadpole facing employment issues or a bullfrog dealing with a mass of noise complaints, you can call us NOW to deal with:

• Metamorphosis anxiety: Woken up and your tail is gone? We’re got a cream for that!
• Dietary fatigue: Bored of eating nothing but the same species? You need to switch to a new diet, carefully honed to your needs by our expert frog chefs!
• Relationship red flags: Is that other frog into you, or is he simply inflating his vocal sac to assert dominance in his bid for pond retention status? We have the answers! Ribbit!

Call us now on: 1-900-RIBB-IT. It’s COMPLETELY FREE (as opposed to partially free)!

And, of course, we know you don’t own, know how to operate, and have no concept of what a phone call is. You’re a frog/toad after all! Instead, simply rear your head to the sky and ribbit that number: 1-900-RIBB-IT.

Once we hear you, we’ll eventually send one of our experts to you destination within 12 months to 35 years later.

Testimonials From Our Happy Hop-Line Customers

“Ribbit!” Jeff the frog

“CroooOak.” John the toad

“Ribbit! Croak…” Bob the frog

“Qwark! Qwarrrrrk! Qwark.” Mike the toad

“One contacted this God-forsaken supposed ‘helpline’ for advice on the many acres of land within one’s hereditary lineage. To one’s eternal shock, all one could hear were the sounds of God-forsaken frogs croaking, ribbiting, and qwarking upon the other end of one’s receiver. Greatly dismayed, one abandoned the call and stalked off to berate one of one’s numerous and plentiful underpaid maids.” Dame Penelope Twistleton-Clad Smithson III of Dorchester

Hop-Line: 24/7 Helpline for Frogs and Toads 🐸 [Sponsored Post]

Wart’s up, froggos and toads? In this stressful 24/7 frog race world of work, hopping, ribbits, and vacant staring into the middle distance, it’s always nice to know a kindly listening frog is only a phone call away.

Whether you have Kermit-ment issues to your amphibian spouse, you’ve lost your lily pad, or you don’t see the point in hopping no more, call the Hop-Line today to resolve all your ills.

Is Your Pond a Toxic Swamp? Call Now On: 1-900-RIBB-IT

Our Hop-Line is staffed 24/7 by a team of 33,000 eager good Samaritan volunteer frogs and toads with nothing better to do with their team than help others.

We know your pain points, for frogs have many issues in life. So hop to it, give us a call, and discuss issues such as:

• Why you always feel so slimy and gross
• Why the neighbourhood cat keeps prodding you with its paws
• The nature and being of herons
• Raising an army of 300 frog spawn and the problems they bring
• You can’t hop, won’t hop, yet want to hop

So, whether you’re a tadpole facing employment issues or a bullfrog dealing with a mass of noise complaints, you can call us NOW to deal with:

• Metamorphosis anxiety: Woken up and your tail is gone? We’re got a cream for that!
• Dietary fatigue: Bored of eating nothing but the same species? You need to switch to a new diet, carefully honed to your needs by our expert frog chefs!
• Relationship red flags: Is that other frog into you, or is he simply inflating his vocal sac to assert dominance in his bid for pond retention status? We have the answers! Ribbit!

Call us now on: 1-900-RIBB-IT. It’s COMPLETELY FREE (as opposed to partially free)!

And, of course, we know you don’t own, know how to operate, and have no concept of what a phone call is. You’re a frog/toad after all! Instead, simply rear your head to the sky and ribbit that number: 1-900-RIBB-IT.

Once we hear you, we’ll eventually send one of our experts to you destination within 12 months to 35 years later.

Testimonials From Our Happy Hop-Line Customers

“Ribbit!” Jeff the frog

“CroooOak.” John the toad

“Ribbit! Croak…” Bob the frog

“Qwark! Qwarrrrrk! Qwark.” Mike the toad

“One contacted this God-forsaken supposed ‘helpline’ for advice on the many acres of land within one’s hereditary lineage. To one’s eternal shock, all one could hear were the sounds of God-forsaken frogs croaking, ribbiting, and qwarking upon the other end of one’s receiver. Greatly dismayed, one abandoned the call and stalked off to berate one of one’s numerous and plentiful underpaid maids.” Dame Penelope Twistleton-Clad Smithson III of Dorchester

The Makeshifts: Temporary Band With a Fleeting History 🎤

The shortest band to ever have lived is The Makeshifts. Formed in Manchester in August of 1992, the band named themselves after makeshift scaffolding, before splitting up in August 1992 due to artistic differences.

During that time, the band was able to release one single: The Makeshifts. It performed poorly in the charts and contributed to the band splitting, although a notorious incident with some scaffolding (not makeshift) also (notoriously) added to the band’s demise.

Not Even a One Hit Wonder: Have a Go Losers The Makeshifts

“I wanted to get a band together, so I did. Then I realised I had no discernible talent for being in a band, so I wanted out, and the others didn’t, but then we realised we all hated each other. It was a bit shit, really.”

The words of Stu Jones, lead singer of the band, in a BBC interview from August of 1995. The group consisted of him and:

• Drummer Barry Barryson
• Guitarist John Johnson
• Bassist Lucy Lucyson

They dreamt of making it big, driven along by their extreme genius, complemented by not at all being in for the money at all, because it was all about the music.

After three rehearsal sessions performing Foo Fighters covers, the band penned the instant classic single The Makeshifts. The lyrics are outstanding:

Near my house there’s some scaffold,
It makes me a bit baffled,
Like I’m being raffled,
But I am well travelled.

Makeshift scaffolding,
Ooooh ooh ohhh na na na naaaa,
Makeshift scaffolding,
Ooooh ooh ohhh na na na naaaa.

Certain of the song’s success, the band headed to a recording studio and spent £1,000 of their own hard earned cash to get the song recorded and set for release.

The Scaffolding Incident

To promote their debut single, the band decided to host a gig on some makeshift scaffolding near to Manchester city centre. A small crowd of 33 people congregated around the event, but fled in panic when the scaffolding collapsed due to the weight of the four members.

All four members suffered broken limbs in the incident. Whilst they recovered, this derailed any further possibility of recording new music. Stu Jones recalled in an August 1998 interview with OME (Old Musical Express):

“My legs and pelvis were shattered. It were a good song, but I couldn’t not even enjoy it. That were a bad time… thankfully, since then I’ve discovered cocaine and my addiction to it has enabled me to move on to an exciting new phase of my life—being a drug addict!”

The other members formed a new band, The Scaffolding, still believing the angle of makeshift construction equipment was the ideal route to take for modern rock music. They released their debut album in 1999: Scaffolding of Love. The album met with dire reviews, commercial failure, and the group disbanded for good.

Subsequent Makeshift Reformations

In February 2022, all four members reunited as The Makeshift Scaffolding, but separated two months later without releasing any material. They reformed again in 2023, 2024, and 2025 without releasing any new material, each reformation lasting for less than a month.

In January 2026, Stu Jones announced the band would never reform again.

In February 2026, The Makeshifts reformed and attempted to sell out the Heaton Park venue outside of Manchester city centre. They sold two tickets and disbanded (also in February 2026) due to a lack of interest in the latest reformation.

The band members have since pledged to never reform ever again, except maybe in 2027 and 2028.

Agony Aunt: “Suntan lotion is woke propaganda!” ⛱️☀️🌅

It’s that time of year again when UK geezers in a heatwave take on the giant star at the centre of our solar system. And UK geezers will always win, as the Sun is woke.

But what if you have a doting wife, looking on at your manly husband, concerned about his wellbeing? Quit nagging, lady, you need to cut that woke out!

When a Woman Complains About Manly Sunburn

Alright mate? I’m Danny. 35. Got 3 kids, the missus is a banger and we’ve just been on holiday to Spain. It were dead good but THE WIFE were nagging the whole trip because of me sunburn. It were manly sunburn. Sunburn is manly. I got it over 57% of me body and were beaming red even when I got home to Preston and showed me mates down the pub and it were banging. Pub landlord looked at me and gave me a free pint saying I were a hero for the nation. It were the best day of me life!

Then the nagging went on and on and on. The wife were on my case about how I were “red raw” and that me grunts of agony and “strained” facial expressions of agony, and the occasional scream of sunburn agony, were worrying her. Yeah, it hurts like a bastard but that’s the price you pay for NOT BEING WOKE.

Because what am I gonna do, slather my body in suntan lotion!? I’ve read the conspiracy theories me and I know the truth. The truth scares me rigid and gives me anxiety attacks when I think about it:

• Suntan lotion has mind-altering chemicals in it that makes you a leftist feminist
• Suntan lotion gives you rabies
• My mate went woke and used suntan lotion last week and now he’s dead because he was run over by a car and you can’t tell me that’s not coincidence
• Suntan lotion means you don’t get sunburn and that’s woke and I want to be manly

Think I’ve made me case clear as day. Sound as a pound. Yeah, I’ve spent all my time typing this shouting sweet bloody murder because of the sunburn, but it does mean I got to skip work and that’s what life is all about, mate! Eh? So tell me wife to SLING HER HOOK so I can continue on me way, being a real man, not being a jessy.

Cheers,

Danny

Hi there, Danny! Not really sure what to add here other than you clearly have your priorities in life sorted. However, and whomever, it’s important to remember that old adage:

“A sunburn is for life, not just for Christmas.”

Therefore, you are indeed right to get on your wife’s case about this. You’re caring for, and nurturing, your sunburn into the next generation, so that future sunburns will be even more manly for the men of this world. That is simply science, based on empirical evidence, as God as our witness.

You’re a real hero, Danny. There aren’t many around these woke days, but from now on we mark 29th June as an annual tribute day to Danny, the sunburned man who screams in agony every time he breathes.

Job Interviews In 2026: https://youtu.be/yoSDn_wEAW8

#Satirical #Comedy #RyanGeorge

Job Interviews In 2026: https://youtu.be/yoSDn_wEAW8

#Satirical #Comedy #RyanGeorge

WE ARE CLOSED DUE TO UK HEATWAVE CRISIS 🥵🔥🥵

As reported yesterday in the Geezer Guide to UK heatwaves, we have a heatwave in the UK. As near 30 degree Celsius heat boils the nation, electricity lines are failing and communication will return to pigeon mail and telegrams.

Whilst there is no need to panic, there is also every need to panic.

Do whatever it takes to survive: ram-raid an off-licence for ice packs, go for a swim in a canal, or walk around in those man shorts that normally would be the fashion death sentence of you. WE SHALL PREVAIL, BLIGHTY! For we have made it through worse…

Closed for Annual Heatwave Theatrics

The Professional Moron team has spent the morning of 23/06/2026 in a state of total hysterics. No work has been completed and we’ve even resorted to writing sentences in passive voice, such is the delirious onset of heatstroke.

Manchester is baking. Google has issued a severe high temperature warning (see above the above paragraph).

Weathermen on TV wearing flamboyant shirts with nice hair are pointing at weather screens and mansplaining at us we’re about to die.

We’re not being dramatic when we say this is the most extreme weather ever seen in the history of the Earth. It’s as if Blighty is being punished for the dissolution of the British Empire.

We have written a poem to the gods in the hope they have mercy on us here in Great Britain. This is the, aforementioned, poem:

Oh my god it is hot,
Bloody damn blast and drat,
I just trod in a cow pat.

Stay safe out there, British citizens, and keep in mind we can pull through this simply by blaming the heatwave on immigrants.

WE ARE CLOSED DUE TO UK HEATWAVE CRISIS 🥵🔥🥵

As reported yesterday in the Geezer Guide to UK heatwaves, we have a heatwave in the UK. As near 30 degree Celsius heat boils the nation, electricity lines are failing and communication will return to pigeon mail and telegrams.

Whilst there is no need to panic, there is also every need to panic.

Do whatever it takes to survive: ram-raid an off-licence for ice packs, go for a swim in a canal, or walk around in those man shorts that normally would be the fashion death sentence of you. WE SHALL PREVAIL, BLIGHTY! For we have made it through worse…

Closed for Annual Heatwave Theatrics

The Professional Moron team has spent the morning of 23/06/2026 in a state of total hysterics. No work has been completed and we’ve even resorted to writing sentences in passive voice, such is the delirious onset of heatstroke.

Manchester is baking. Google has issued a severe high temperature warning (see above the above paragraph).

Weathermen on TV wearing flamboyant shirts with nice hair are pointing at weather screens and mansplaining at us we’re about to die.

We’re not being dramatic when we say this is the most extreme weather ever seen in the history of the Earth. It’s as if Blighty is being punished for the dissolution of the British Empire.

We have written a poem to the gods in the hope they have mercy on us here in Great Britain. This is the, aforementioned, poem:

Oh my god it is hot,
Bloody damn blast and drat,
I just trod in a cow pat.

Stay safe out there, British citizens, and keep in mind we can pull through this simply by blaming the heatwave on immigrants.

One summer I cut up old National Enquirer pages and made postcards to send to all my friends. #craft #crafting #craftwork #craftworks #cutandpaste #pasting #creative #creativity #art #artwork #artist #artists #arting #makingart #artworks #collage #collages #NationalEnquirer #satire #satirical #weird #crazy #wacky #wackadoodle #tabloid #tabloids #tabloidsleeze #sleeze #sleezy

One summer I cut up old National Enquirer pages and made postcards to send to all my friends. #craft #crafting #craftwork #craftworks #cutandpaste #pasting #creative #creativity #art #artwork #artist #artists #arting #makingart #artworks #collage #collages #NationalEnquirer #satire #satirical #weird #crazy #wacky #wackadoodle #tabloid #tabloids #tabloidsleeze #sleeze #sleezy

#Onthisday in 1998: A #satirical #newspaper I doodled when I was 10, after the #Chicago #Bulls' 6th championship. Not sure which is my favorite: how I described Clinton's sex scandal, my Mulan #parody, Dennis Rodman as a literal Worm, or #MichaelJordan auditioning for the #SpiceGirls. Zeitgeist.

#ThrowbackThursday #OTD #90s #NBA #NBAFinals #Basketball #Cubs #WhiteSox #ChicagoCubs #Sports #Cartoon #Cartoons #Comic #Comics #Doodle #Illustrator #Illustration #Drawing #Disney #Art #MastoArt #Artist

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgPgavmY99U

"Disco Duck" is a #satirical #disco #noveltySong performed by #RickDees and His Cast of Idiots. At the time, Dees was a #Memphis disc jockey. It became a number-one hit on the #Billboard Hot 100 for one week in October 1976 (and ranked #97 out of the 100 most popular songs of the year according to Billboard magazine). It also made the top 20 on the Billboard #HotSoulSingles chart, peaking at number 15.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgPgavmY99U

Skip to Let: LUXURY STUDIO VESSEL RENTAL 🚧

Real Estate Bastard Enterprises Ltd. is positively SKIPPING in delight at our latest property on the market, available now for viewings on a random street in Bolton of Greater Manchester!

Our skip to rent is a luxurious vessel of homely bits and bobs hurled into the thing by big hairy builders. With a competitive monthly rate, no pets, no roof, and all sorts of other problems, this property is one of the BEST on the market and the landlord is one of the less (fewer?) insanely greedy SOBs out there so you’ll be ok with this one, mate.

You Can’t SKIP (!!!) the Rent Here

• £800 p/m
• BILLS NOT INCLUDED
• NO PETS
• NO SKIPPING RENT (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
• £4,000 deposit
• Fully portable property
• Stylish yellow colour
• High density steel walls
• Curb side location close to the Co-Op
• Free trash upon moving in (do whatever you want with it)

Skip the housing market entirely with this fantastic, homely, robust welded steel. One human’s trash is another human’s master bedroom in this stylish, minimalistic, compact, outdoor “flat”.

You simply can’t let this opportunity go to waste.

The good news? At Real Estate Bastard Enterprises Ltd. we’ve bin waiting for the right tenant. After 13 viewings, not one of the braindead bastards was stupid enough to move in. Fools! Did they not know there’s almost litter-ally no paperwork before moving in!?

Please move quickly, really quickly, to get your viewing as we’re 100 million % certain about 409 people will be viewing this thing in  the next few days. HURRY! HURRY HURRY!

On a final note, please be aware the skip contains traces of asbestos. Please refrain from making a heap of trouble about that, the skip will get a good wash down with soap and water before you arrive.

CLAIM YOUR COMPLETELY FREE VIEWING NOW!!!

Viewings cost £50 per viewing and, if you decide to move in (as you most certainly will do), agency fees will include, but aren’t limited to, a charge of:

1. £500 to remove the property from the market
2. £500 to have the contract terms generated by AI
3. £300 to collect your non-existent keys
4. £200 background check to ensure you’re not a drug addict
5. £500 for a credit check that actually only costs £10

Please be assured this isn’t Real Estate Bastard Enterprises Ltd. being a bunch of greedy, psychopathic wankers. We’re just ensuring the landlord gets a well off tenant for this waste of space property.

Important Legalese Bollocks

NOTE ON RENTAL TERMS: TENANT IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL UNWANTED CONTENTS LEFT IN THE SKIP DURING TENANCY. IF A MEMBER OF THE PUBLIC, FOR EXAMPLE, FLY TIPS INTO YOUR RENTAL PROPERTY, YOU WILL BE HELD LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE. ADDITIONALLY, SHOULD THE LOCAL COUNCIL CRANE OFF THE SKIP WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING, YOU WILL BE CHARGED FOR THIS SERVICE (UNDER THE CONTRACTUAL CLAUSE “ELEVATED PREMIUM PROPERTY RENTAL EXPERIENCE”). ADDENDUM: DO NOT SUBLET THE PROPERTY TO FOXES AND/OR TRAMPS.

No Ordinary Beths: Great Books That Never Were 🔥

Following on from our review of Molly Conisbee’s No Ordinary Deaths (2025), it intrigued us to learn there’s a 1889 pseudo-science work called No Ordinary Beths.

Written by the author Sir Charles Rupertson Twistleton Jeffery III and published by his wealthy publisher uncle Sir Jeffery Rupertson Twistleton Charles Jeffery III, it explores the topic that human females (and some human males) called Beth have supernatural powers and are a grave threat to the future of humanity. This family-friendly tome makes for great bedtime reading for kids!

On the Peril of Beautiful Dames in No Ordinary Beths

Okay, so this is a weird book and one that doesn’t make a great deal of sense. But under the modern gaze of 2026, it’s actually quite amusing in its rambling oddness.

The book is written in a pompous, prolixity heavy style befitting elitist sorts from the 19th century. Sir Charles Rupertson Twistleton Jeffery III was extremely well educated and had the biggest vocabulary in all of England (or, at least, so he claimed). But his obsession with the Beths of this world takes the literary form of this type of thing.

“To be possessed of every virtue requisite for the elevation of the female mind, and yet to reject the hand of a superior suitor upon the mere, trivial technicality of prior wedlock, is a contradiction that can only be explained by the presence of the Dark Arts. It was during the summer of the year 1875; an era, one notes with chagrin, before the current decay of our great social institutions had fully taken root, that one first chanced to encounter a creature bearing the name of Beth.

She was, one must freely concede, a woman of most commendable and conventional aesthetic facial symmetry. Recognising that one’s own exceptional station, unparalleled wit, exceptional handsomidity, and remarkably lofty spirit would serve as the ultimate elevation to her otherwise ordinary existence, one condescended to offer her my hand in holy matrimony without delay. It was an act of profound generosity on one’s part, driven by the sheer nobility of one’s character. Astonishingly, the woman displayed an audacity so profound, and a vanity so entirely unbecoming of her gender, as to refuse my magnanimous suit. Her defence for this egregious slight? The absurdly pedantic protestation that one was already legally bound in matrimony to another! This may be correct, by all modern standards, but a lady does not turneth down the pursuit of a man of one’s standing. Ever!

It was in that singular, chilling moment of rejection that the scales fell from one’s eyes. Such a defiance of natural order and superior masculine being could not be attributed to mere feminine whim. No, sirs; t’was the unmistakable mark of Witchcraft. By logical extension, and through rigorous deductive reasoning befitting a gentleman of one’s formal higher education, one had arrived at an absolute truth: All women who answer to the name of Beth are, in fact, practitioners of the Occult.”

There are 761 pages of that type of thing. Translated into modern English, the above paragraph reads as this.

“I met this bird called Beth last week. She was hot as shit, so I demanded she marry me for my charming personality, extreme intelligence, and 10/10 looksmaxxed jawline. She was arrogant enough to REJECT ME when I mentioned I’m already married! FFS!! That’s when I knew she’s a bitch!!! lol roflmao. This topic needed exploring, so I downed a can of Red Bull, had a vape, booted up TikTok, and went off on one about how women called Beth are tramps. It went viral, got three million shares, and got me a modelling contract.”

Generally, No Ordinary Beths comes across as a wildly paranoid work about a man baby whom was spurned by human females by the, aforementioned, name.

We did some digging into historical records and found Sir Charles Rupertson Twistleton Jeffery III was, indeed, rejected by every woman by the name of Beth whom he proposed to (a grand total of 3,124 women of the name of Beth).

Quite what Sir Charles Rupertson Twistleton Jeffery III thought he was doing we don’t know, but he should have realised after around the 500th rejection this game wasn’t working out for him. Silly fool.

In 1901, he eventually gave up on it and married a woman called Belle. There’s a Be in the name so, we guess, that’s some sort of consolation for the crazy damn fool.

No Ordinary Beths: Great Books That Never Were 🔥

Following on from our review of Molly Conisbee’s No Ordinary Deaths (2025), it intrigued us to learn there’s a 1889 pseudo-science work called No Ordinary Beths.

Written by the author Sir Charles Rupertson Twistleton Jeffery III and published by his wealthy publisher uncle Sir Jeffery Rupertson Twistleton Charles Jeffery III, it explores the topic that human females (and some human males) called Beth have supernatural powers and are a grave threat to the future of humanity. This family-friendly tome makes for great bedtime reading for kids!

On the Peril of Beautiful Dames in No Ordinary Beths

Okay, so this is a weird book and one that doesn’t make a great deal of sense. But under the modern gaze of 2026, it’s actually quite amusing in its rambling oddness.

The book is written in a pompous, prolixity heavy style befitting elitist sorts from the 19th century. Sir Charles Rupertson Twistleton Jeffery III was extremely well educated and had the biggest vocabulary in all of England (or, at least, so he claimed). But his obsession with the Beths of this world takes the literary form of this type of thing.

“To be possessed of every virtue requisite for the elevation of the female mind, and yet to reject the hand of a superior suitor upon the mere, trivial technicality of prior wedlock, is a contradiction that can only be explained by the presence of the Dark Arts. It was during the summer of the year 1875; an era, one notes with chagrin, before the current decay of our great social institutions had fully taken root, that one first chanced to encounter a creature bearing the name of Beth.

She was, one must freely concede, a woman of most commendable and conventional aesthetic facial symmetry. Recognising that one’s own exceptional station, unparalleled wit, exceptional handsomidity, and remarkably lofty spirit would serve as the ultimate elevation to her otherwise ordinary existence, one condescended to offer her my hand in holy matrimony without delay. It was an act of profound generosity on one’s part, driven by the sheer nobility of one’s character. Astonishingly, the woman displayed an audacity so profound, and a vanity so entirely unbecoming of her gender, as to refuse my magnanimous suit. Her defence for this egregious slight? The absurdly pedantic protestation that one was already legally bound in matrimony to another! This may be correct, by all modern standards, but a lady does not turneth down the pursuit of a man of one’s standing. Ever!

It was in that singular, chilling moment of rejection that the scales fell from one’s eyes. Such a defiance of natural order and superior masculine being could not be attributed to mere feminine whim. No, sirs; t’was the unmistakable mark of Witchcraft. By logical extension, and through rigorous deductive reasoning befitting a gentleman of one’s formal higher education, one had arrived at an absolute truth: All women who answer to the name of Beth are, in fact, practitioners of the Occult.”

There are 761 pages of that type of thing. Translated into modern English, the above paragraph reads as this.

“I met this bird called Beth last week. She was hot as shit, so I demanded she marry me for my charming personality, extreme intelligence, and 10/10 looksmaxxed jawline. She was arrogant enough to REJECT ME when I mentioned I’m already married! FFS!! That’s when I knew she’s a bitch!!! lol roflmao. This topic needed exploring, so I downed a can of Red Bull, had a vape, booted up TikTok, and went off on one about how women called Beth are tramps. It went viral, got three million shares, and got me a modelling contract.”

Generally, No Ordinary Beths comes across as a wildly paranoid work about a man baby whom was spurned by human females by the, aforementioned, name.

We did some digging into historical records and found Sir Charles Rupertson Twistleton Jeffery III was, indeed, rejected by every woman by the name of Beth whom he proposed to (a grand total of 3,124 women of the name of Beth).

Quite what Sir Charles Rupertson Twistleton Jeffery III thought he was doing we don’t know, but he should have realised after around the 500th rejection this game wasn’t working out for him. Silly fool.

In 1901, he eventually gave up on it and married a woman called Belle. There’s a Be in the name so, we guess, that’s some sort of consolation for the crazy damn fool.

Barbie: Some Good, Some Bad in Uplifting Feminist Romp 💗

Here we have the 2023 sensation Barbie, written and directed by husband and wife team Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach. This was the biggest film of the year, with an all-star cast headed up by Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling.

It’s a darkly satirical comedy film, a live-action version, that explores a stereotypical Barbie’s quest for enlightenment, challenging the patriarchy and an army of dim-witted Kens along the way.

An Existential Crisis in the World of Barbie

Right, so the plot follows the life of Barbies living in a matriarchal society in a world away from our real life (kind of in a separate dimension). The Barbies life with half-witted Kens, plus a bunch of discontinued models that are viewed as undesirables.

The Barbie world is supposed to be perfect, with stereotypical Barbie (Margot Robbie) the embodiment of female beauty and glorious day-to-day existence. Their days are spent dancing the being perfect. Like this!

Ken (the Ryan Gosling one) is competing with other Kens to win over stereotypical Barbie. However, their world doesn’t seem to have any concept of what physical intimacy is and so he’s continuously turfed to one side.

Then stereotypical Barbie starts having an existential crisis.

She visits Weird Barbie (Kate McKinnon), a social outcast after excessive exuberant play from a child, who tells her to visit the real human world and work out why she’s having the crisis. Ken stows away with her to try and win her hand.

After they reach the real world, two things happen:

1. Stereotypical Barbie gets heckled a lot and finds the overbearingly sexist real world stressful
2. Ken finds the patriarchal society exactly to his liking and begins expecting stuff in return for simply for being a man (i.e. male entitlement)

It’s a great set up for a film and one we’re pleased such a concept got greenlit as a major blockbuster. It’s just we think the ultimate execution (despite a strong script) often falls flat.

Barbie is a bit heavy-handed with its concept. This is good and bad, the good being it goes for the jugular and savages silly male privilege. The bad is this is presented in quite a simplistic way, that can also be a little overbearing, meaning adults steeped in feminist theory may find it a little obvious.

This is a PG-13, though, so as far as we’re concerned it’s a film aimed at girls and young women. In the way Michael Bay makes films for boys, Great Gerwig is making films to inspire girls. And that’s fabulous.

It does mean, for us at 41, we found the film a bit disappointing. It’s a 3/5 type deal, but probably as we’d get more out of it if we were the target audience.

Barbie does have its moments, no doubts, not least with Ryan Gosling on hilarious form as the hapless Ken. There’s an absurd dance number he does really well (“I’m Just Ken”) with great cringeworthy lyrics about him being a 10/10 and all that manosphere stuff.

‘Cause I’m just Ken, anywhere else I’d be a ten,
Is it my destiny to live and die a life of blonde fragility?

I’m just Ken,
Where I see love, she sees a friend,
What will it take for her to see the man behind the tan and fight for me?

Here it all is in full, complete with massively OTT production values.

It’s a fast-paced film with plenty of gags and clever concepts, but it’s often dragged down by labouring on its point a little too much. Although it is the most feminist mainstream Hollywood film we think there’s ever been, so that in itself is glorious.

And Barbie is good. Just not great. At 114 minutes, so of its humour does fall a little flat and the film can feel a little awkward at times. But then in the next scene it can land I’m Just Ken on you and it’s a banger again.

Bit of a mixed bag, then, but plenty to enjoy. Especially for younger female viewers, who we think (and hope) found the whole thing hilarious and inspiring.

The Production of Barbie

One of the popular right-wing soundbites (of many) is the tedious “go woke, go broke“. The theory being diversity, inclusivity, and feminism lead to a lack of financial success. Well, Barbie made $1.448 billion at the global box office. In fact, it was the top earning film of 2023.

It beat Oppenheimer, a bunch of superhero films, the latest Mission Impossible, and the Super Mario Bros. Movie (the latter was second on $1.3 billion). Go woke, go broke indeed…

Anyway, despite the film’s financial success, Greta Gerwig has stated she doesn’t want to turn this into another Hollywood franchise. It’s likely to be a standalone film and, we think, that’s for the best. Although we should imagine studio pressure to cash-in will lead to a prequel (or something) eventually.

The concept for a live-action Barbie film had been mulled over since the 1980s.

The idea was renewed in late 2009 by toy manufacturer Mattel, but the project continued to be delayed. In 2016, comedian Amy Schumer almost got the project greenlit, but she dropped out in March 2017 after a disagreement with producers. But things really took off when Australian actor Margot Robbie agreed to the lead Barbie role in 2019.

And, yes, she was cast as she has that conventional blonde and beautiful look. But also because she’s a very good actor, anyone who’s seen I, Tonya (2017) can confirm that.

With Robbie onboard, plus acting as a producer, she approached Greta Gerwig about directing. She agreed, but only on the basis her husband Noah Baumbach be part of the scriptwriting.

Thus, the legacy was complete! And the shoot went ahead on sets adapted for a Palm Springs, mid-century modernist interior design look. HOWEVER! Perhaps surprisingly, the film was shot at Warner Bros’ UK studios in July of 2022. Barbie gives off the whole vibe of a sun-baked American summer but, no, a chunk was filmed in rainy old England.

On a final note, Mattel’s delay on all of this from the 1980s was a massive win.

The film pokes a lot of fun and playful mockery of the nature of Barbie dolls, which seem anachronistic to modern life. Although the company has worked to make them more diverse, inclusive, and empowering over the last decade or so.

Well, the plan worked a treat and global sales of Barbie dolls went up thanks to the film. It’s also done its reputation a lot of good, showing they’re not a bunch of stuffy corporate shills unable to take criticism. If only more businesses could take note.

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. 😰 [Sponsored Post]

One of the hottest trends of 2026? Dehydration. It’s as trendy as POGs, skinny jeans, the Sega Master System, and leprosy. But did you know that up to 99% of the world’s population isn’t dehydrated!?!

This is a disgrace.

That is why Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. is on a 500+ worker strong organisation mission to ensure en masse thirstiness on a scale as not seen in human history since droughts from antiquity.

The Good Old Dehydration Days: A Traditional Value That’s Thirsty For More

Our mission statement is very clear and is contained within our 33,000 page manifesto (free to download somewhere on the internet… we can’t remember where, you’ll have to find it). To summarise, these are the three core points of our manifesto. Namely, dehydration is:

1. Important and enforceable
2. Ambiguous
3. SUPPORTED by Professional Dehydration Services Ltd.

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. believes dehydration is important and enforceable. We shall endeavour to achieve this goal through force.

💧 INTRODUCING DehydYOLO Premium – The ULTIMATE Beverage 💧

Dehydration is the NEW beauty standard to define all beauty standards going forward. Never mind nonsense such as raw water, raw milk, or extreme fasting, by dehydrating your system you’ll achieve the haggard, pale, emaciated look that fashion studios just love.

That’s why we’re bring to the beverage market DehydYOLO Premium. Consisting of a plastic bottle filled with the purest, finest air from the Mount Everest region, taking several slurps of this product will surge you toward your beauty goals.

Because water is so 2024. True high-performances comes from extreme thirst, chronic fatigue, muscle cramps, and banging headaches.

Our product hits the western mark in Q4 2026 and costs £10/$20 a bottle. You’ll be too delirious from dehydration to notice this is a corporate grab of the ultimate in enshittification.

The Corporate War on Moisture

We truly believe canteens, office water coolers, and taps of the world are responsible for the collapse of a dignified civilization. Also, the human body, which is 60% water—a state of affairs that enrages us at Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. on a daily basis.

We have a designated Rage Room for our members to take out this water-based fury, where they can smash water coolers with giant sledgehammers whilst bellowing sweet bloody murder.

But not for long. As we’re optimising the human capital situation by seeking to remove liquids.

We’ve partnered with Deckhead Software, an industry-leading cloud-based storage system, with the goal of innovating through ideational ideating to offload internal moisture systems to The Cloud. Our cutting-edge technology, which we’ve not even got blueprints for yet (but we’ll get there, as GOD as our witness!!!), will hook a drip up to humans and withdraw all of the water.

The water will then be replaced by our product DehydYOLO Premium.

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. is aware this may lead to a few million deaths (here and there), but this collateral damage is worthwhile (on a long-term ROI basis) to ride the species of its most detestable scourge.

Hydration—a Communist plot designed to keep society hydrated, lucid, and talking sense. This must not stand, which is why we also propose blocking out the skies of the world with giant concrete structures to ensure rain is prevented from reaching the Earth.

We have a zero-tolerance policy on moisture. Need further proof how this’ll save the business world and humanity? Read this testimonial from diagnosed psychopath business owner Gary V.:

“Before Professional Dehydration Services Ltd., our team was constantly slacking off to ‘drink water’ and ‘survive.’ Now, we are efficiently mummified, highly focused, and our paper-archiving costs have plummeted because nobody sweats on the documents anymore. I’m so happy I could vomit! In fact… I JUST DID!!!” Gary V., CEO of Gary’s Vaping, Vacuums, and Verruca Removal Store Ltd.

JOIN THE DEHYDRATION REVOLUTION!!!

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. 😰 [Sponsored Post]

One of the hottest trends of 2026? Dehydration. It’s as trendy as POGs, skinny jeans, the Sega Master System, and leprosy. But did you know that up to 99% of the world’s population isn’t dehydrated!?!

This is a disgrace.

That is why Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. is on a 500+ worker strong organisation mission to ensure en masse thirstiness on a scale as not seen in human history since droughts from antiquity.

The Good Old Dehydration Days: A Traditional Value That’s Thirsty For More

Our mission statement is very clear and is contained within our 33,000 page manifesto (free to download somewhere on the internet… we can’t remember where, you’ll have to find it). To summarise, these are the three core points of our manifesto. Namely, dehydration is:

1. Important and enforceable
2. Ambiguous
3. SUPPORTED by Professional Dehydration Services Ltd.

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. believes dehydration is important and enforceable. We shall endeavour to achieve this goal through force.

💧 INTRODUCING DehydYOLO Premium – The ULTIMATE Beverage 💧

Dehydration is the NEW beauty standard to define all beauty standards going forward. Never mind nonsense such as raw water, raw milk, or extreme fasting, by dehydrating your system you’ll achieve the haggard, pale, emaciated look that fashion studios just love.

That’s why we’re bring to the beverage market DehydYOLO Premium. Consisting of a plastic bottle filled with the purest, finest air from the Mount Everest region, taking several slurps of this product will surge you toward your beauty goals.

Because water is so 2024. True high-performances comes from extreme thirst, chronic fatigue, muscle cramps, and banging headaches.

Our product hits the western mark in Q4 2026 and costs £10/$20 a bottle. You’ll be too delirious from dehydration to notice this is a corporate grab of the ultimate in enshittification.

The Corporate War on Moisture

We truly believe canteens, office water coolers, and taps of the world are responsible for the collapse of a dignified civilization. Also, the human body, which is 60% water—a state of affairs that enrages us at Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. on a daily basis.

We have a designated Rage Room for our members to take out this water-based fury, where they can smash water coolers with giant sledgehammers whilst bellowing sweet bloody murder.

But not for long. As we’re optimising the human capital situation by seeking to remove liquids.

We’ve partnered with Deckhead Software, an industry-leading cloud-based storage system, with the goal of innovating through ideational ideating to offload internal moisture systems to The Cloud. Our cutting-edge technology, which we’ve not even got blueprints for yet (but we’ll get there, as GOD as our witness!!!), will hook a drip up to humans and withdraw all of the water.

The water will then be replaced by our product DehydYOLO Premium.

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. is aware this may lead to a few million deaths (here and there), but this collateral damage is worthwhile (on a long-term ROI basis) to ride the species of its most detestable scourge.

Hydration—a Communist plot designed to keep society hydrated, lucid, and talking sense. This must not stand, which is why we also propose blocking out the skies of the world with giant concrete structures to ensure rain is prevented from reaching the Earth.

We have a zero-tolerance policy on moisture. Need further proof how this’ll save the business world and humanity? Read this testimonial from diagnosed psychopath business owner Gary V.:

“Before Professional Dehydration Services Ltd., our team was constantly slacking off to ‘drink water’ and ‘survive.’ Now, we are efficiently mummified, highly focused, and our paper-archiving costs have plummeted because nobody sweats on the documents anymore. I’m so happy I could vomit! In fact… I JUST DID!!!” Gary V., CEO of Gary’s Vaping, Vacuums, and Verruca Removal Store Ltd.

JOIN THE DEHYDRATION REVOLUTION!!!

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. 😰 [Sponsored Post]

One of the hottest trends of 2026? Dehydration. It’s as trendy as POGs, skinny jeans, the Sega Master System, and leprosy. But did you know that up to 99% of the world’s population isn’t dehydrated!?!

This is a disgrace.

That is why Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. is on a 500+ worker strong organisation mission to ensure en masse thirstiness on a scale as not seen in human history since droughts from antiquity.

The Good Old Dehydration Days: A Traditional Value That’s Thirsty For More

Our mission statement is very clear and is contained within our 33,000 page manifesto (free to download somewhere on the internet… we can’t remember where, you’ll have to find it). To summarise, these are the three core points of our manifesto. Namely, dehydration is:

1. Important and enforceable
2. Ambiguous
3. SUPPORTED by Professional Dehydration Services Ltd.

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. believes dehydration is important and enforceable. We shall endeavour to achieve this goal through force.

💧 INTRODUCING DehydYOLO Premium – The ULTIMATE Beverage 💧

Dehydration is the NEW beauty standard to define all beauty standards going forward. Never mind nonsense such as raw water, raw milk, or extreme fasting, by dehydrating your system you’ll achieve the haggard, pale, emaciated look that fashion studios just love.

That’s why we’re bring to the beverage market DehydYOLO Premium. Consisting of a plastic bottle filled with the purest, finest air from the Mount Everest region, taking several slurps of this product will surge you toward your beauty goals.

Because water is so 2024. True high-performances comes from extreme thirst, chronic fatigue, muscle cramps, and banging headaches.

Our product hits the western mark in Q4 2026 and costs £10/$20 a bottle. You’ll be too delirious from dehydration to notice this is a corporate grab of the ultimate in enshittification.

The Corporate War on Moisture

We truly believe canteens, office water coolers, and taps of the world are responsible for the collapse of a dignified civilization. Also, the human body, which is 60% water—a state of affairs that enrages us at Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. on a daily basis.

We have a designated Rage Room for our members to take out this water-based fury, where they can smash water coolers with giant sledgehammers whilst bellowing sweet bloody murder.

But not for long. As we’re optimising the human capital situation by seeking to remove liquids.

We’ve partnered with Deckhead Software, an industry-leading cloud-based storage system, with the goal of innovating through ideational ideating to offload internal moisture systems to The Cloud. Our cutting-edge technology, which we’ve not even got blueprints for yet (but we’ll get there, as GOD as our witness!!!), will hook a drip up to humans and withdraw all of the water.

The water will then be replaced by our product DehydYOLO Premium.

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. is aware this may lead to a few million deaths (here and there), but this collateral damage is worthwhile (on a long-term ROI basis) to ride the species of its most detestable scourge.

Hydration—a Communist plot designed to keep society hydrated, lucid, and talking sense. This must not stand, which is why we also propose blocking out the skies of the world with giant concrete structures to ensure rain is prevented from reaching the Earth.

We have a zero-tolerance policy on moisture. Need further proof how this’ll save the business world and humanity? Read this testimonial from diagnosed psychopath business owner Gary V.:

“Before Professional Dehydration Services Ltd., our team was constantly slacking off to ‘drink water’ and ‘survive.’ Now, we are efficiently mummified, highly focused, and our paper-archiving costs have plummeted because nobody sweats on the documents anymore. I’m so happy I could vomit! In fact… I JUST DID!!!” Gary V., CEO of Gary’s Vaping, Vacuums, and Verruca Removal Store Ltd.

JOIN THE DEHYDRATION REVOLUTION!!!

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. 😰 [Sponsored Post]

One of the hottest trends of 2026? Dehydration. It’s as trendy as POGs, skinny jeans, the Sega Master System, and leprosy. But did you know that up to 99% of the world’s population isn’t dehydrated!?!

This is a disgrace.

That is why Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. is on a 500+ worker strong organisation mission to ensure en masse thirstiness on a scale as not seen in human history since droughts from antiquity.

The Good Old Dehydration Days: A Traditional Value That’s Thirsty For More

Our mission statement is very clear and is contained within our 33,000 page manifesto (free to download somewhere on the internet… we can’t remember where, you’ll have to find it). To summarise, these are the three core points of our manifesto. Namely, dehydration is:

1. Important and enforceable
2. Ambiguous
3. SUPPORTED by Professional Dehydration Services Ltd.

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. believes dehydration is important and enforceable. We shall endeavour to achieve this goal through force.

💧 INTRODUCING DehydYOLO Premium – The ULTIMATE Beverage 💧

Dehydration is the NEW beauty standard to define all beauty standards going forward. Never mind nonsense such as raw water, raw milk, or extreme fasting, by dehydrating your system you’ll achieve the haggard, pale, emaciated look that fashion studios just love.

That’s why we’re bring to the beverage market DehydYOLO Premium. Consisting of a plastic bottle filled with the purest, finest air from the Mount Everest region, taking several slurps of this product will surge you toward your beauty goals.

Because water is so 2024. True high-performances comes from extreme thirst, chronic fatigue, muscle cramps, and banging headaches.

Our product hits the western mark in Q4 2026 and costs £10/$20 a bottle. You’ll be too delirious from dehydration to notice this is a corporate grab of the ultimate in enshittification.

The Corporate War on Moisture

We truly believe canteens, office water coolers, and taps of the world are responsible for the collapse of a dignified civilization. Also, the human body, which is 60% water—a state of affairs that enrages us at Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. on a daily basis.

We have a designated Rage Room for our members to take out this water-based fury, where they can smash water coolers with giant sledgehammers whilst bellowing sweet bloody murder.

But not for long. As we’re optimising the human capital situation by seeking to remove liquids.

We’ve partnered with Deckhead Software, an industry-leading cloud-based storage system, with the goal of innovating through ideational ideating to offload internal moisture systems to The Cloud. Our cutting-edge technology, which we’ve not even got blueprints for yet (but we’ll get there, as GOD as our witness!!!), will hook a drip up to humans and withdraw all of the water.

The water will then be replaced by our product DehydYOLO Premium.

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. is aware this may lead to a few million deaths (here and there), but this collateral damage is worthwhile (on a long-term ROI basis) to ride the species of its most detestable scourge.

Hydration—a Communist plot designed to keep society hydrated, lucid, and talking sense. This must not stand, which is why we also propose blocking out the skies of the world with giant concrete structures to ensure rain is prevented from reaching the Earth.

We have a zero-tolerance policy on moisture. Need further proof how this’ll save the business world and humanity? Read this testimonial from diagnosed psychopath business owner Gary V.:

“Before Professional Dehydration Services Ltd., our team was constantly slacking off to ‘drink water’ and ‘survive.’ Now, we are efficiently mummified, highly focused, and our paper-archiving costs have plummeted because nobody sweats on the documents anymore. I’m so happy I could vomit! In fact… I JUST DID!!!” Gary V., CEO of Gary’s Vaping, Vacuums, and Verruca Removal Store Ltd.

JOIN THE DEHYDRATION REVOLUTION!!!

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. 😰 [Sponsored Post]

One of the hottest trends of 2026? Dehydration. It’s as trendy as POGs, skinny jeans, the Sega Master System, and leprosy. But did you know that up to 99% of the world’s population isn’t dehydrated!?!

This is a disgrace.

That is why Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. is on a 500+ worker strong organisation mission to ensure en masse thirstiness on a scale as not seen in human history since droughts from antiquity.

The Good Old Dehydration Days: A Traditional Value That’s Thirsty For More

Our mission statement is very clear and is contained within our 33,000 page manifesto (free to download somewhere on the internet… we can’t remember where, you’ll have to find it). To summarise, these are the three core points of our manifesto. Namely, dehydration is:

1. Important and enforceable
2. Ambiguous
3. SUPPORTED by Professional Dehydration Services Ltd.

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. believes dehydration is important and enforceable. We shall endeavour to achieve this goal through force.

💧 INTRODUCING DehydYOLO Premium – The ULTIMATE Beverage 💧

Dehydration is the NEW beauty standard to define all beauty standards going forward. Never mind nonsense such as raw water, raw milk, or extreme fasting, by dehydrating your system you’ll achieve the haggard, pale, emaciated look that fashion studios just love.

That’s why we’re bring to the beverage market DehydYOLO Premium. Consisting of a plastic bottle filled with the purest, finest air from the Mount Everest region, taking several slurps of this product will surge you toward your beauty goals.

Because water is so 2024. True high-performances comes from extreme thirst, chronic fatigue, muscle cramps, and banging headaches.

Our product hits the western mark in Q4 2026 and costs £10/$20 a bottle. You’ll be too delirious from dehydration to notice this is a corporate grab of the ultimate in enshittification.

The Corporate War on Moisture

We truly believe canteens, office water coolers, and taps of the world are responsible for the collapse of a dignified civilization. Also, the human body, which is 60% water—a state of affairs that enrages us at Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. on a daily basis.

We have a designated Rage Room for our members to take out this water-based fury, where they can smash water coolers with giant sledgehammers whilst bellowing sweet bloody murder.

But not for long. As we’re optimising the human capital situation by seeking to remove liquids.

We’ve partnered with Deckhead Software, an industry-leading cloud-based storage system, with the goal of innovating through ideational ideating to offload internal moisture systems to The Cloud. Our cutting-edge technology, which we’ve not even got blueprints for yet (but we’ll get there, as GOD as our witness!!!), will hook a drip up to humans and withdraw all of the water.

The water will then be replaced by our product DehydYOLO Premium.

Professional Dehydration Services Ltd. is aware this may lead to a few million deaths (here and there), but this collateral damage is worthwhile (on a long-term ROI basis) to ride the species of its most detestable scourge.

Hydration—a Communist plot designed to keep society hydrated, lucid, and talking sense. This must not stand, which is why we also propose blocking out the skies of the world with giant concrete structures to ensure rain is prevented from reaching the Earth.

We have a zero-tolerance policy on moisture. Need further proof how this’ll save the business world and humanity? Read this testimonial from diagnosed psychopath business owner Gary V.:

“Before Professional Dehydration Services Ltd., our team was constantly slacking off to ‘drink water’ and ‘survive.’ Now, we are efficiently mummified, highly focused, and our paper-archiving costs have plummeted because nobody sweats on the documents anymore. I’m so happy I could vomit! In fact… I JUST DID!!!” Gary V., CEO of Gary’s Vaping, Vacuums, and Verruca Removal Store Ltd.

JOIN THE DEHYDRATION REVOLUTION!!!

While I've always wanted my own R2 unit, it was never because I wanted to go on the run with it and a dog. No matter, author J.P. Lacrampe is doing that for me in his comic science fiction novel "Valet." To learn more about this novel, check out this exclusive interview.
https://paulsemel.com/exclusive-interview-valet-author-j-p-lacrampe/
📖🤖🐶
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
#JPLacrampe #JPLacrampeInterview #JPLacrampeValet #JPLacrampeValetInterview #ScienceFiction #SciFi #SpeculativeFiction #SciFiBooks #Satire #Satirical #Comedic

While I've always wanted my own R2 unit, it was never because I wanted to go on the run with it and a dog. No matter, author J.P. Lacrampe is doing that for me in his comic science fiction novel "Valet." To learn more about this novel, check out this exclusive interview.
https://paulsemel.com/exclusive-interview-valet-author-j-p-lacrampe/
📖🤖🐶
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
#JPLacrampe #JPLacrampeInterview #JPLacrampeValet #JPLacrampeValetInterview #ScienceFiction #SciFi #SpeculativeFiction #SciFiBooks #Satire #Satirical #Comedic

While I've always wanted my own R2 unit, it was never because I wanted to go on the run with it and a dog. No matter, author J.P. Lacrampe is doing that for me in his comic science fiction novel "Valet." To learn more about this novel, check out this exclusive interview.
https://paulsemel.com/exclusive-interview-valet-author-j-p-lacrampe/
📖🤖🐶
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
#JPLacrampe #JPLacrampeInterview #JPLacrampeValet #JPLacrampeValetInterview #ScienceFiction #SciFi #SpeculativeFiction #SciFiBooks #Satire #Satirical #Comedic

While I've always wanted my own R2 unit, it was never because I wanted to go on the run with it and a dog. No matter, author J.P. Lacrampe is doing that for me in his comic science fiction novel "Valet." To learn more about this novel, check out this exclusive interview.
https://paulsemel.com/exclusive-interview-valet-author-j-p-lacrampe/
📖🤖🐶
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
#JPLacrampe #JPLacrampeInterview #JPLacrampeValet #JPLacrampeValetInterview #ScienceFiction #SciFi #SpeculativeFiction #SciFiBooks #Satire #Satirical #Comedic

The World Without Buses: Great Books That Never Were 🚌

The World Without Us is a 2007 non-fiction work by Alan Weisman. It postulates what could happen if human beings were to suddenly disappear form the face of the planet (Earth, not Jupiter or anything).

Analogous to that famous work, but more heavily focussed toward automotives, is The World Without Buses (2008).

Written by a bus driver called Barry Smith from Bolton of Greater Manchester, it postulates what would happen to society if buses suddenly ceased to be. It’s a terrifying work, Barry’s magnum opus, and it’s so profound we fouled ourselves whilst reading the book.

A Horrifying Concept in The World Without Buses

“The only thing keeping modern civilization from collapsing is a double-decked Stagecoach bus. Those vinyl seat covers, consistent timetables, and cost-effective prices breed a righteous sense of cosmic security. Within that security there lies dormant the harsh reality that, one day, the bus may move beyond merely being late, moreover, buses my have a cessation of their being and all will be lost. A stranded humanity… the 501 to Preston isn’t going to arrive and we all have to accept that.”

This horrifying opening paragraph sets the scene. The 501 to Preston and, indeed, ALL buses aren’t going to be turning up at their, respective, bus stops. This is because buses no longer exists.

A conundrum of immense portent. Barry Smith argues the average person, when faced with this reality, would consider:

• Getting the train
• Getting a taxi
• Buying a car
• Flying (i.e. aeroplane, helicopter, or on an albatross)
• Using a boat
• Walking

Smith stresses walking would be a last resort as:

“Most people are so stunningly lazy they won’t even bother reading this book.”

Smith dubs the busless world as The Great Stranding. With tens of millions of people worldwide without access to a bus/coach, businesses would hit major financial repercussions and several would burst into flames at random.

The writer then argues a Bolton of Greater Manchester Containment Zone would have to be established for busless refugees, many of whom would get lost when attempting to navigate their way around minus a handy bus. However, towns and cities would soon be overrun by jungles as unused bus lanes would become overgrown with rare flora and the like, with lions, elephants, and zebras descending into the bus lane jungles and merging alongside regular.

Smith argues this busless world would be:

“Truly shit.”

And that:

“In this horrifying new world I’d be out of work, too, although that won’t matter if this book becomes a bestseller. Because then I can become a writer, my other idea, beyond this pseudoscience rambling, is a horror series of bus books in the style of Stephen King meets 50 Shades of Gray. Then I’d have that career and a busless world wouldn’t bother me that much then to be honest.”

Across 500 rambling pages, Smith continues in this way. We found it to be riveting! Just think about this concept: if your local bus route CEASED TO BE.

We find the idea so terrifying we’ve taken to going to bed with all the lights on, whilst playing bus noises like these on YouTube to act as a safety blanket.

Smith’s book is a work of genius. We’re 97.5% certain of that. You should read it and try to comprehend how society is only ever one bus stop away from total, hellish collapse.

The Response From the Train Industry

Train drivers responded angrily and in droves to The Would Without Buses. An angry mob of enraged train drivers stormed Bolton town centre a week after the book’s launch in August 2008. A total of £350s worth of damage was done to the town centre as a polite riot began, with train drivers kicking bins over and piddling in the street.

Local police responded by deploying water cannons and the train drivers were soon blasted into submission.

34 were jailed, with 17 of them receiving life sentences. As of 2026, 10 remain behind bars and are unlikely to see a bus or train ever again.

The World Without Buses: Great Books That Never Were 🚌

The World Without Us is a 2007 non-fiction work by Alan Weisman. It postulates what could happen if human beings were to suddenly disappear form the face of the planet (Earth, not Jupiter or anything).

Analogous to that famous work, but more heavily focussed toward automotives, is The World Without Buses (2008).

Written by a bus driver called Barry Smith from Bolton of Greater Manchester, it postulates what would happen to society if buses suddenly ceased to be. It’s a terrifying work, Barry’s magnum opus, and it’s so profound we fouled ourselves whilst reading the book.

A Horrifying Concept in The World Without Buses

“The only thing keeping modern civilization from collapsing is a double-decked Stagecoach bus. Those vinyl seat covers, consistent timetables, and cost-effective prices breed a righteous sense of cosmic security. Within that security there lies dormant the harsh reality that, one day, the bus may move beyond merely being late, moreover, buses my have a cessation of their being and all will be lost. A stranded humanity… the 501 to Preston isn’t going to arrive and we all have to accept that.”

This horrifying opening paragraph sets the scene. The 501 to Preston and, indeed, ALL buses aren’t going to be turning up at their, respective, bus stops. This is because buses no longer exists.

A conundrum of immense portent. Barry Smith argues the average person, when faced with this reality, would consider:

• Getting the train
• Getting a taxi
• Buying a car
• Flying (i.e. aeroplane, helicopter, or on an albatross)
• Using a boat
• Walking

Smith stresses walking would be a last resort as:

“Most people are so stunningly lazy they won’t even bother reading this book.”

Smith dubs the busless world as The Great Stranding. With tens of millions of people worldwide without access to a bus/coach, businesses would hit major financial repercussions and several would burst into flames at random.

The writer then argues a Bolton of Greater Manchester Containment Zone would have to be established for busless refugees, many of whom would get lost when attempting to navigate their way around minus a handy bus. However, towns and cities would soon be overrun by jungles as unused bus lanes would become overgrown with rare flora and the like, with lions, elephants, and zebras descending into the bus lane jungles and merging alongside regular.

Smith argues this busless world would be:

“Truly shit.”

And that:

“In this horrifying new world I’d be out of work, too, although that won’t matter if this book becomes a bestseller. Because then I can become a writer, my other idea, beyond this pseudoscience rambling, is a horror series of bus books in the style of Stephen King meets 50 Shades of Gray. Then I’d have that career and a busless world wouldn’t bother me that much then to be honest.”

Across 500 rambling pages, Smith continues in this way. We found it to be riveting! Just think about this concept: if your local bus route CEASED TO BE.

We find the idea so terrifying we’ve taken to going to bed with all the lights on, whilst playing bus noises like these on YouTube to act as a safety blanket.

Smith’s book is a work of genius. We’re 97.5% certain of that. You should read it and try to comprehend how society is only ever one bus stop away from total, hellish collapse.

The Response From the Train Industry

Train drivers responded angrily and in droves to The Would Without Buses. An angry mob of enraged train drivers stormed Bolton town centre a week after the book’s launch in August 2008. A total of £350s worth of damage was done to the town centre as a polite riot began, with train drivers kicking bins over and piddling in the street.

Local police responded by deploying water cannons and the train drivers were soon blasted into submission.

34 were jailed, with 17 of them receiving life sentences. As of 2026, 10 remain behind bars and are unlikely to see a bus or train ever again.

Agony Aunt: “Husband in his underwear in a heatwave…” ☀️🩲

Whenever there’s a heatwave in the UK, the British human male must ask himself this question: “Just how far am I willing to go to humiliate myself?”

Whether it’s parading around Tesco with his top off and in flipflops, or deciding a heatwave strategy is underpants only, the human females of the world can only watch on… and wonder.

When a Man and His Underpants Tackle a Heatwave

Dear agony aunt,

There’s the first heatwave of the year in England. My husband Terry (54) has decided his heatwave strategy for the year is to glisten himself up in suntan lotion, then parade around in only his underwear. He goes everything like that: to the shops, to work, to the cinema, to the restaurants etc. We’ve been banned from many places…

Terry doesn’t see the problem with his underpants strategy. Everyone else is repulsed by it.

Now, I love my husband of 20 years but this is a step too far. He’s a large man and watching him wobbling around in the sun, glistening, drenched in sweat, his underpants clinging on for dear life to protect his modesty, and it makes me think he’s unfit for society and should be sectioned. Or is that a step too far?

Anyway, I proposed the idea to him last night like this:

“Husband, you’re making a fool of yourself with this underpants in a heatwave dress sense. Look at you. You’re covered in blisters from sunburn and you have a grimace of agony on your blotched face. This is no good, I think you should have yourself committed. It’s for your own good.”

Well, he didn’t react very well to that. He huffed and puffed and all that huffing and puffing split some of his sunburn blisters and they turned into howls of agony. While he lay on the floor wailing, that’s when I took the chance and got the medical people out and try and get him sectioned. I explained to them he’s clinically insane as he was wandering around in underpants during a heatwave. Well… and get this… the male physicians got really offended about this because THEY WALK AROUND IN UNDERPANTS IN A HEATWAVE AS WELL.

It’s just something older men do, apparently…

They refused to have Terry sectioned. Instead, they gave him a glass of lemonade and an ice lolly and smeared Sudocrem all over him for the sunburn. They said he’ll be “right as rain” in a few days, I just have to keep feeding him ice lollies, chilled lemonade, and smearing Sudocrem all over him.

Needless to say, Terry isn’t talking to me now. He thinks I’m “evil” and “demon spawn”.

How do I save my marriage? Do I even want to save my marriage?

Yours,

Vera

Vera… you’ve committed a very grave mistake in challenging your husband on this matter. It is every man’s right to “parade” (as you so obnoxiously put it) around in his undies during a heatwave. What sort of deranged wife wouldn’t let a man breathe in such a way?

Your husband is right to not want to talk to you.

You can tell how angry we are as we had to use “to” some THREE times in that last sentence! Who do you think you are!? Honestly. We’re sitting here, taking our time to respond to you, during a heatwave, WHILST WEARING OUR FAVOURITE UNDERPANTS! What, exactly, is wrong with that?! Hmmm!?

You’re permanently banned from requesting agony aunt feedback for the rest of time. Good day, madam!

Agony Aunt: “Husband in his underwear in a heatwave…” ☀️🩲

Whenever there’s a heatwave in the UK, the British human male must ask himself this question: “Just how far am I willing to go to humiliate myself?”

Whether it’s parading around Tesco with his top off and in flipflops, or deciding a heatwave strategy is underpants only, the human females of the world can only watch on… and wonder.

When a Man and His Underpants Tackle a Heatwave

Dear agony aunt,

There’s the first heatwave of the year in England. My husband Terry (54) has decided his heatwave strategy for the year is to glisten himself up in suntan lotion, then parade around in only his underwear. He goes everything like that: to the shops, to work, to the cinema, to the restaurants etc. We’ve been banned from many places…

Terry doesn’t see the problem with his underpants strategy. Everyone else is repulsed by it.

Now, I love my husband of 20 years but this is a step too far. He’s a large man and watching him wobbling around in the sun, glistening, drenched in sweat, his underpants clinging on for dear life to protect his modesty, and it makes me think he’s unfit for society and should be sectioned. Or is that a step too far?

Anyway, I proposed the idea to him last night like this:

“Husband, you’re making a fool of yourself with this underpants in a heatwave dress sense. Look at you. You’re covered in blisters from sunburn and you have a grimace of agony on your blotched face. This is no good, I think you should have yourself committed. It’s for your own good.”

Well, he didn’t react very well to that. He huffed and puffed and all that huffing and puffing split some of his sunburn blisters and they turned into howls of agony. While he lay on the floor wailing, that’s when I took the chance and got the medical people out and try and get him sectioned. I explained to them he’s clinically insane as he was wandering around in underpants during a heatwave. Well… and get this… the male physicians got really offended about this because THEY WALK AROUND IN UNDERPANTS IN A HEATWAVE AS WELL.

It’s just something older men do, apparently…

They refused to have Terry sectioned. Instead, they gave him a glass of lemonade and an ice lolly and smeared Sudocrem all over him for the sunburn. They said he’ll be “right as rain” in a few days, I just have to keep feeding him ice lollies, chilled lemonade, and smearing Sudocrem all over him.

Needless to say, Terry isn’t talking to me now. He thinks I’m “evil” and “demon spawn”.

How do I save my marriage? Do I even want to save my marriage?

Yours,

Vera

Vera… you’ve committed a very grave mistake in challenging your husband on this matter. It is every man’s right to “parade” (as you so obnoxiously put it) around in his undies during a heatwave. What sort of deranged wife wouldn’t let a man breathe in such a way?

Your husband is right to not want to talk to you.

You can tell how angry we are as we had to use “to” some THREE times in that last sentence! Who do you think you are!? Honestly. We’re sitting here, taking our time to respond to you, during a heatwave, WHILST WEARING OUR FAVOURITE UNDERPANTS! What, exactly, is wrong with that?! Hmmm!?

You’re permanently banned from requesting agony aunt feedback for the rest of time. Good day, madam!

Surf’s Up Dude Enterprises Ltd. 🏄 [Sponsored Post]

Surf’s Up Dude Enterprises Ltd. is an organisation dedicated to the essential act of ensuring that surf’s, indeed, is up (dude). For the last 75 years, we have delivered on our promise of ensuring surf’s up dude no matter the location.

We have 36 branches worldwide with headquarters in Bolton of Greater Manchester and each and every one of our employees has a core mission statement to deliver. Surfing will happen, no matter where you are in the world. That is our aggressive stance and we will enforce it no matter what it takes.

🏄‍♀️ Enforcing Surf’s Up on an International Basis 🏄‍♂️

Why aren’t you surfing right now? What’s stopping you? Are you a communist?! A drug addict!? Are you too stupid to find your nearest beach and go surfing?

These are the pertinent questions you should be asking yourself today.

As if you don’t go surfing, you should be very afraid. At Surf’s Up Dude Enterprises Ltd., we have a staff of 10,000 monitoring 130,000 locations worldwide to ensure people are surfing. With a planned budget increase by 2030, we hope to be monitoring 75% of the world’s population to ensure continued surf’s up. Failure to deliver on this promise could lead to:

• Drops in the number of people surfing
• Decreases in surfing board sales
• The collapse of civilization due to points 1 and 2
• Hungry sharks having fewer things to eat

This crisis must be averted at all costs. To do that, our organisation has a three-step plan of action to ensure more humans get on surfboards and catch some waves:

1. Disseminate an aggressive pro-surfing leaflet campaign via postal mail and email
2. Threaten people to go surfing by waving bazookas in their, respective, faces
3. Ban cars, planes, boats, bicycles, and walking to ensure the only means of local and global transportation is via surfing

At Surf’s Up Dude Enterprises Ltd., we are convinced the only way forward for humanity is via surfing. Surfing to work, surfing to the local supermarket, and/or surfing to the dentist etc.

While some may laugh and call such a goal “clinically insane”, just think about the environmental benefits of spending 13 weeks surfing to your holiday destination instead of 3 hours on a plane. We are 100% certain that by explaining the matter with clear statistics such as this, the entire world’s population will calmly accept we are in the right. Cowabunga!

Pursuing the Excess Use of “Cowabunga”

A secondary mission of Surf’s Up Dude Enterprises Ltd. is to pursue, monitor, and control the excessive use of the term “cowabunga”, popularised in the 1990s by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

For too long (decades now) has the term been used. Several of our organisation members find the term upsetting, thus the goal is to have it banned from public use and reserved only for royalty and tech bro billionaires. To achieve this goal, we have a three step plan:

1. Ban the use of the word
2. If people keep using the word, ban freedom of speech
3. If people still keep talking, detonate one of the atom bombs we’ve been stockpiling for our international takeover attempt

With nuclear weapons on our side, we are 100% certain our hybrid push to ensure surfing and limited/non-existent “cowabunga” usage will be successful.

Please, become a member today. It is $5,000 to join and you will receive a lifetime* membership.

*Please note, the lifetime membership runs out every 12 months and will require a $6,000 subscription to re-subscribe, with added VAT of 35% per annum.

Surf’s Up Dude Enterprises Ltd. 🏄 [Sponsored Post]

Surf’s Up Dude Enterprises Ltd. is an organisation dedicated to the essential act of ensuring that surf’s, indeed, is up (dude). For the last 75 years, we have delivered on our promise of ensuring surf’s up dude no matter the location.

We have 36 branches worldwide with headquarters in Bolton of Greater Manchester and each and every one of our employees has a core mission statement to deliver. Surfing will happen, no matter where you are in the world. That is our aggressive stance and we will enforce it no matter what it takes.

🏄‍♀️ Enforcing Surf’s Up on an International Basis 🏄‍♂️

Why aren’t you surfing right now? What’s stopping you? Are you a communist?! A drug addict!? Are you too stupid to find your nearest beach and go surfing?

These are the pertinent questions you should be asking yourself today.

As if you don’t go surfing, you should be very afraid. At Surf’s Up Dude Enterprises Ltd., we have a staff of 10,000 monitoring 130,000 locations worldwide to ensure people are surfing. With a planned budget increase by 2030, we hope to be monitoring 75% of the world’s population to ensure continued surf’s up. Failure to deliver on this promise could lead to:

• Drops in the number of people surfing
• Decreases in surfing board sales
• The collapse of civilization due to points 1 and 2
• Hungry sharks having fewer things to eat

This crisis must be averted at all costs. To do that, our organisation has a three-step plan of action to ensure more humans get on surfboards and catch some waves:

1. Disseminate an aggressive pro-surfing leaflet campaign via postal mail and email
2. Threaten people to go surfing by waving bazookas in their, respective, faces
3. Ban cars, planes, boats, bicycles, and walking to ensure the only means of local and global transportation is via surfing

At Surf’s Up Dude Enterprises Ltd., we are convinced the only way forward for humanity is via surfing. Surfing to work, surfing to the local supermarket, and/or surfing to the dentist etc.

While some may laugh and call such a goal “clinically insane”, just think about the environmental benefits of spending 13 weeks surfing to your holiday destination instead of 3 hours on a plane. We are 100% certain that by explaining the matter with clear statistics such as this, the entire world’s population will calmly accept we are in the right. Cowabunga!

Pursuing the Excess Use of “Cowabunga”

A secondary mission of Surf’s Up Dude Enterprises Ltd. is to pursue, monitor, and control the excessive use of the term “cowabunga”, popularised in the 1990s by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

For too long (decades now) has the term been used. Several of our organisation members find the term upsetting, thus the goal is to have it banned from public use and reserved only for royalty and tech bro billionaires. To achieve this goal, we have a three step plan:

1. Ban the use of the word
2. If people keep using the word, ban freedom of speech
3. If people still keep talking, detonate one of the atom bombs we’ve been stockpiling for our international takeover attempt

With nuclear weapons on our side, we are 100% certain our hybrid push to ensure surfing and limited/non-existent “cowabunga” usage will be successful.

Please, become a member today. It is $5,000 to join and you will receive a lifetime* membership.

*Please note, the lifetime membership runs out every 12 months and will require a $6,000 subscription to re-subscribe, with added VAT of 35% per annum.

Bleach Read: Great Romance Novels That Never Were 🧼

Beach Read is a 2020 romance novel by Emily Henry. It is popular. But did you know the romance novel Bleach Read (2024) by romantic novelist Richard Dickhead is also really romantic? It truly is!

Although the central narrative arc is, indeed, about bleach, there’s much more going on here as well. In fact, AI Book Critic 2.0 hailed the work as, “The greatest romance book about Bleach Read since Beach Read!” Although, please note, Beach Read isn’t about bleach at all and the AI book critic made an error there.

Falling in Love With Powerful Chemical Products in Bleach Read

“And that was the moment I realised: when the world felt dark and scary, bleach could whisk you off to go dancing; bleach could take some of the pain away; bleach could melt holes in your fear. I decided then that my life would be full of bleach.”

You may have heard of AI boyfriends and girlfriends, and the endless joys of that existence, but what if a woman falls in love with a dilute solution of sodium hypochlorite and/or hydrogen peroxide?

That’s addressed on page 1, chapter 1, of book 1 of this intended multi-series romance franchise.

“I must admit, I’d never found hydrogen peroxide to be attractive before. It seemed more like something you’d tip down the drain to take the stink off a night of drunken vomiting after one-too-many Proseccos. But now… I looked at that big tub of bleach on the supermarket shelf and I found myself thinking, ‘That is my future husband… we shall have bleach babies and they’ll be immune to the world around them.’ Rather than have myself committed, I swooned and bought the tub of bleach.”

What follows is a romance like few other romances have ever romanced. The love for a woman and a tub of plastic filled with chemical grade bleach knows no bounds.

Across 500 pages (some of which appear to be AI generated, but that’s to be expected if the author is an AI chatbot), AI Book Critic 2.0 rants, raves, and does AI hallucinations. Famously, in chapter 179 it forgets the book is a romance novel and lists out verbatim an entire chapter from Moby-Duck.

The following chapter also, mysteriously, mentions the tennis player Boris Becker a total of 3,455 times.

The novel then returns its focus on romance, with the work concluding that a woman can’t love a tub of bleach as it results in all sorts of unpleasant burns, irritations, and toxic fumes.

It’s a very moving work! We cried 117 times whilst reading its fascinating generated prose. But that may have something to do with us owning…

The Bleach Special Edition Hardcover

Each printed copy of the work was dipped in bleach and sold to the public as the Bleach Special Edition (hardcover). Many readers reported, over extended reading sessions, various health problems. Including, but not limited to:

• Skin peeling off their fingers and hands
• Fits of hysterics and uncontrolled emotional breakdowns (crying etc.)
• Chemical inhalation leading to crazed hallucinations of angry geese, pink elephants, and nude Jon Bon Jovi concerts
• Delirium
• Gagging sensations
• Coma (and general lack of responsiveness)

AI Book Critic 2.0 was quick to highlight on its social media platforms these health problems had nothing to do with the quality of its novel. It stated on 23rd January 2025:

“These angry geese who are reading my novel Bleach Read shouldn’t be reading books at all. They’re angry geese, not human beings. End statement.”

It’s believed AI Book Critic 2.0 suffered an AI hallucination there. The chatbot has never addressed the matter since and continues to produce fiction, whilst supplementing its wage with book reviews as a side-hustle.

Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator: SELL, SELL, SELL! 👼

With a title like that, you know this game will have something about it. The sequel (of sorts) to the brilliantly named Space Warlord Organ Trading Simulator (2021) by indie dev Strange Scaffold is here!

Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator launched in January 2026 and is a positively nuts experience. In a cosmos of space babies, it’s up to you to buy low, sell high, and manage the baby stock market. Huzzah?

The Cosmic World of PROFITS in Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator

The game is very darkly satirical and doesn’t hold back on the black humour. We’re surprised it hasn’t caused chaos in the religious community tbh. Look at this game intro screen text:

“In this game, you will follow readouts of the simulated futures of alien babies and ‘watch’ as they commit war crimes, get addicted to recreational drugs, become cannibals, find love, acquire corporations, get used for medical experiments, become intergalactic stars, get hunted by the rich for sport, blow up toxic sludge pipelines, commit suicide, win the lottery, and many, many other things in-between.

You will buy, sell, and short stocks based off of these events. You will likely become very angry at least once when a baby who you are financially incentivised to watch crash and burn pulls their life together.

And that’s okay.”

From there you discover it’s the distant future and war has been eradicated, which is really bad news for rich people. To make up for that, the trading market opens for space babies.

It’s all very much in the style of the cult classic Gazillionaire (1994) that was good fun back in the day.

Excerpt here you pick a baby and the game then follows the course of its life. You’re supposed to buy stocks during key life events, aiming to buy low and then sell high when the baby is doing well in life.

This is how it all plays out, in frantic fashion with lashings of satircal humour.

Our first space baby had quite the life, living for 112 years before being destroyed by orbital acid. Along the way, this space baby learned to play banjo (raising stocks), only to be scuppered by a sickle accident (lowering stocks). Other crises included getting blackout truck and being assaulted at a protest.

All-in-all, we made a handsome small profit off our first trading run, but weren’t aggressive enough in buying.

Anyway, it’s fair to say Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator is nuts. In a good way! It’s ideal for pick-up-and-play style bursts of frantic escapism. Importantly, it does get addictive and hooks you in. Players will rejoice in getting on a running loop of stock market antics and observing the lives of space babies taking their various twists and turns.

The more money you earn, the more you can advance your reputation. Plus, indie dev Strange Scaffold clearly knows their stuff about investing and trading as the game is rooted effectively in realistic stock market stuff.

However, the game can be a bit repetitive. It’s not something you’ll sit there playing for four hours a night, we think it’s more intended for short bursts.

That it does very well. Plus, the humour works a treat.

Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator: SELL, SELL, SELL! 👼

With a title like that, you know this game will have something about it. The sequel (of sorts) to the brilliantly named Space Warlord Organ Trading Simulator (2021) by indie dev Strange Scaffold is here!

Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator launched in January 2026 and is a positively nuts experience. In a cosmos of space babies, it’s up to you to buy low, sell high, and manage the baby stock market. Huzzah?

The Cosmic World of PROFITS in Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator

The game is very darkly satirical and doesn’t hold back on the black humour. We’re surprised it hasn’t caused chaos in the religious community tbh. Look at this game intro screen text:

“In this game, you will follow readouts of the simulated futures of alien babies and ‘watch’ as they commit war crimes, get addicted to recreational drugs, become cannibals, find love, acquire corporations, get used for medical experiments, become intergalactic stars, get hunted by the rich for sport, blow up toxic sludge pipelines, commit suicide, win the lottery, and many, many other things in-between.

You will buy, sell, and short stocks based off of these events. You will likely become very angry at least once when a baby who you are financially incentivised to watch crash and burn pulls their life together.

And that’s okay.”

From there you discover it’s the distant future and war has been eradicated, which is really bad news for rich people. To make up for that, the trading market opens for space babies.

It’s all very much in the style of the cult classic Gazillionaire (1994) that was good fun back in the day.

Excerpt here you pick a baby and the game then follows the course of its life. You’re supposed to buy stocks during key life events, aiming to buy low and then sell high when the baby is doing well in life.

This is how it all plays out, in frantic fashion with lashings of satircal humour.

Our first space baby had quite the life, living for 112 years before being destroyed by orbital acid. Along the way, this space baby learned to play banjo (raising stocks), only to be scuppered by a sickle accident (lowering stocks). Other crises included getting blackout truck and being assaulted at a protest.

All-in-all, we made a handsome small profit off our first trading run, but weren’t aggressive enough in buying.

Anyway, it’s fair to say Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator is nuts. In a good way! It’s ideal for pick-up-and-play style bursts of frantic escapism. Importantly, it does get addictive and hooks you in. Players will rejoice in getting on a running loop of stock market antics and observing the lives of space babies taking their various twists and turns.

The more money you earn, the more you can advance your reputation. Plus, indie dev Strange Scaffold clearly knows their stuff about investing and trading as the game is rooted effectively in realistic stock market stuff.

However, the game can be a bit repetitive. It’s not something you’ll sit there playing for four hours a night, we think it’s more intended for short bursts.

That it does very well. Plus, the humour works a treat.

Crime and Pun-ishment: Great Pun Books That Never Were 🪓

Crime and Punishment (1866) is a famous book by Fyodor Dostoevsky. But did you know a spin-off work called Crime and Pun-ishment is a pun-based work with many, many bad dad jokes?

It’s a FANTASTIC book. One of the best ever! So superb, in fact, those whom read it are often rendered incontinent and forced into a medically induced coma for their survival. Such is the hilarity of this tome! So, safety warning aside let’s dive on in for some axe-based wordplay.

Crime and Pun-ishment: The Tale of Raskol-n-joke-ov

“Your worst sin is you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for napkins.”

This work was published in January 2026 by author and literary critic AI Book Critic 2.0. All funds are absorbed by the AI bot and disseminated towards funding further AI data centres.

It’s a non-traditional pun book in the sense it doesn’t focus solely on a list of endless wordplay. Instead, it manipulates the story of Crime and Punishment it a series of terrible dad jokes. The plot follows the original story, with Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov committing a logical fall-axe-y of committing a pun-based murder.

“I have an axe to grind with you!”

Is what he quips, Arnold Schwarzenegger style, before whipping out an axe and chopping with wild exuberance (all whilst quipping more dreadful puns).

Unfortunately (or, perhaps, fortunately) for this Raskol-n-joke-ov, the big joke is he’s forgotten to bring an axe! Whilst laughing hysterically about this incompetence, he then remembers he has a bazooka in his backpack. Whipping this end, he fires it off and blows up a house.

As so many people saw him do this, it isn’t long before he’s caught and put on trial.

During which, he begins a long and slow process of wrestling with his psychological demons over the murder/detonation. In a diary entry, he quips:

“My conscience is Russian towards a breakdown…”

Before he rounds on himself and agrees he was in the right:

“I eliminated that building with a HEAT round (High-Explosive Anti-Tenant), thus I did the world a favour! I am a Napoleon! Now… a Blast-poleon!“

In court, he is then quizzed by the magistrate Porfiry Petrovich about the matter. There’s some scintillating dialogue during this 100 page, heavy conversation chapter:

Porfiry: “You know, Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov, it’s a funny thing about crime. It’s like a rocket. It has a high initial velocity, a lot of fire and fury, but eventually… it has to land. And usually, it lands right in my office.”

Raskol-n-joke-ov: “I don’t know what you’re AIMING at inspector…”

Porfiry: “I found a specific type of soot on your coat, sir! It’s backblast residue. It seems you did not check your rear-clear before firing that bazooka into the abyss, Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov…”

Raskol-n-joke-ov: “You’re triggering me, Porfiry! You have no proof!! You’re just SHELLING me with accusations!!!”

Porfiry: “Come now, don’t have an explosive temper. I’m just waiting for you to find your own re-coil.”

Due to the relentless nature of the puns, many literary critics found the work tedious going. However, AI Book Critic 2.0 has hailed its work as a clear masterpiece and claims it’ll win Book of the Year 2026, 2027, and 2031. Best of luck to it!

The Response From the International Bazooka Organisation

The International Bazooka Organisation (IBO) reacted negatively to the work, highlighting that bazookas didn’t exist during the narrative’s timeline.

Bazookas were invented in May 1942, whereas the book is set in the mid-1860s. We contact Book Critic 2.0 for comment, but it had unplugged itself for the day to recharge.

Crime and Pun-ishment: Great Pun Books That Never Were 🪓

Crime and Punishment (1866) is a famous book by Fyodor Dostoevsky. But did you know a spin-off work called Crime and Pun-ishment is a pun-based work with many, many bad dad jokes?

It’s a FANTASTIC book. One of the best ever! So superb, in fact, those whom read it are often rendered incontinent and forced into a medically induced coma for their survival. Such is the hilarity of this tome! So, safety warning aside let’s dive on in for some axe-based wordplay.

Crime and Pun-ishment: The Tale of Raskol-n-joke-ov

“Your worst sin is you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for napkins.”

This work was published in January 2026 by author and literary critic AI Book Critic 2.0. All funds are absorbed by the AI bot and disseminated towards funding further AI data centres.

It’s a non-traditional pun book in the sense it doesn’t focus solely on a list of endless wordplay. Instead, it manipulates the story of Crime and Punishment it a series of terrible dad jokes. The plot follows the original story, with Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov committing a logical fall-axe-y of committing a pun-based murder.

“I have an axe to grind with you!”

Is what he quips, Arnold Schwarzenegger style, before whipping out an axe and chopping with wild exuberance (all whilst quipping more dreadful puns).

Unfortunately (or, perhaps, fortunately) for this Raskol-n-joke-ov, the big joke is he’s forgotten to bring an axe! Whilst laughing hysterically about this incompetence, he then remembers he has a bazooka in his backpack. Whipping this end, he fires it off and blows up a house.

As so many people saw him do this, it isn’t long before he’s caught and put on trial.

During which, he begins a long and slow process of wrestling with his psychological demons over the murder/detonation. In a diary entry, he quips:

“My conscience is Russian towards a breakdown…”

Before he rounds on himself and agrees he was in the right:

“I eliminated that building with a HEAT round (High-Explosive Anti-Tenant), thus I did the world a favour! I am a Napoleon! Now… a Blast-poleon!“

In court, he is then quizzed by the magistrate Porfiry Petrovich about the matter. There’s some scintillating dialogue during this 100 page, heavy conversation chapter:

Porfiry: “You know, Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov, it’s a funny thing about crime. It’s like a rocket. It has a high initial velocity, a lot of fire and fury, but eventually… it has to land. And usually, it lands right in my office.”

Raskol-n-joke-ov: “I don’t know what you’re AIMING at inspector…”

Porfiry: “I found a specific type of soot on your coat, sir! It’s backblast residue. It seems you did not check your rear-clear before firing that bazooka into the abyss, Rodion Raskol-n-joke-ov…”

Raskol-n-joke-ov: “You’re triggering me, Porfiry! You have no proof!! You’re just SHELLING me with accusations!!!”

Porfiry: “Come now, don’t have an explosive temper. I’m just waiting for you to find your own re-coil.”

Due to the relentless nature of the puns, many literary critics found the work tedious going. However, AI Book Critic 2.0 has hailed its work as a clear masterpiece and claims it’ll win Book of the Year 2026, 2027, and 2031. Best of luck to it!

The Response From the International Bazooka Organisation

The International Bazooka Organisation (IBO) reacted negatively to the work, highlighting that bazookas didn’t exist during the narrative’s timeline.

Bazookas were invented in May 1942, whereas the book is set in the mid-1860s. We contact Book Critic 2.0 for comment, but it had unplugged itself for the day to recharge.

Agony Aunt: “Are keyboard touch typing skills ATTRACTIVE!?” ⌨️

Some human males delude themselves into believing certain actions are attractive. Today’s human male has decided his brilliance on a keyboard should be enough to impress even the most attractive dame.

Amy Adams? Sandra Hüller? Sandra Bullock? Other women called Sandra? All should be dropping before his most attractive typing might. Is this so? Let us explore the typing topic.

Touch Typing is the Secret to Great Romance?

Agony aunt,

I am in agony. I’ve just spend the last 72 hours touch typing my way to the annual Touch Typing Championship 2026. It was the most competitive year I’ve ever taken part in, but I fended off a young upstarter whom tried to STEAL my crown by thrashing him with a touch typing speed of 230 WPM (words per minute) compared to his PATHETIC 215 WPM. What a pathetic boy, he should leave competitions like this to MEN like me.

However, once the event ended and I was crowned the deserving champion I turned and looked around me, rightfully expecting very hot women to begin hurling themselves at me for a date and/or marriage.

But… nothing.

There was one chick there who glanced at me and I glared at her expectantly, but she just wandered off and got a hotdog from a hotdog stand. Try to comprehend that. SHE WANTED TO EAT A HOTDOG INSTEAD OF DATING A TOUCH TYPING CHAMPION. What is the world coming to? That is feminism. This is the wokeness and it’s ruining society.

I can’t possible be wrong. What could possibly be unattractive about someone being able to have this God-given skill that others can only dream of? It shows:

• Tenacity
• Intellectual genius
• Versatility
• Emotional intelligence
• Wit
• Charm
• An enjoyment of keyboards
• Dedication

How can women look me in the eye (me, admittedly not the best looking guy ever, but a touch typing genius) and think this isn’t worthy of their time?

On my Tinder dating profile I lead with it: DEREK, 33, TOUCH TYPING GENIUS

I then list out my many championship victories and link to an article that was written about me, in which I make confident (not arrogant, confident) claims about how superior I am to everyone else. And yet in the last three months I’ve swiped on over 10,000 women and only three have swiped back. One ended up being a guy pretending to be a woman, the other two were scammers thinking I’ve made a tonne of money from my victories. I haven’t. I’ve actually lost money because it’s £100 to enter the competitions. That and the keyboard investments and I’m down about £500 over the last decade due to all of this.

AND NO HOT WOMEN.

Please. Advice needed. Is it my keyboard?! It’s all black, do I need a more feminine one or something to show off my sensitive side?

Yours,

Derek

Hi there, Derek! To help you out, we went out onto the streets of Manchester city centre and randomly began demanding answers from women we encountered: “WHY WON’T YOU DATE, DEREK!?” We roared, “HE’S A TOUCH TYPING WORLD CHAMPION!”

It turns out (from the ones who didn’t run away, at least) they’re more interested in personality traits such as kindness, humour, compassion, intelligence, and an interest in the arts.

None of them were impressed or interested in the typing thing. One of them said it was “weird”*. Sorry about that! Maybe take up a new hobby.

*We have subsequently learned Derek had a stroke after reading that someone found the touch typing thing “weird”. Although he’s since recovered from that, he’s quit his day job and entered a deep, dark depression of marathon touch typing sessions. Derek… for GOD’S SAKE, man. This is not the answer. Take up golf, or something.

The Elephant Universe: Great Books That Never Were 🐘

The Elegant Universe: Superstrings, Hidden Dimensions, and the Quest for the Ultimate Theory is a famous space book by American physicist Brian Greene.

We’re not ones for empirical evidence, science, and facts, so we prefer the book The Elephant Universe (2001). In it, the pseudoscientist Bryan Green argues elephants invented the universe and spacetime is like a big long elephant trunk that trumpets. Facts.

The Elephant Universe: Spacetime, Tusks, and Trumpeting

“While there is no reliable evidence to suggest elephants roam the cosmos, there is also no known or unknown evidence to suggest they do or do not. This was all the impetus I required to begin my long journey. Each night in my front garden, next to the daffodils, my budget telescope craning wildly across the night sky in the belief that one night, even if for a mere second, I would see the Divine Elephant in the Universe and then everyone would stop calling me ‘batshit insane’.”

Physics is complicated and requires a woolly mammoth amount of brain power to master. However, in this work Green argues space isn’t really that complicated and everything was just made by elephants. No big deal, stop making films like Interstellar about it.

Whilst Green’s claims have been dismissed by the world’s leading physicists as “idiotic” and “puerile”, Green countered by calling the world’s leading physicists:

“Stupid woopid.”

Due to the writer’s petulant attitude problem, alongside Astrophysics for People in a Curry his work is now considered a defining text in 20th and 21st century pseudoscience. One critic announced the book was:

“Nonsense to be proud of.”

Green responded by suing the critic for “slander”, but it was pointed out to Green that slander is a false spoken statement, not a written one, and so Green backed down and ate a sandwich (tuna and mayo on white bread) to calm down.

Proof of Elephants Controlling the Cosmos

To this day, Green is convinced he is correct. In 2015, he established the organisation Elephants Rule the Universe and flies out to Los Angeles annually to hold the (annual) conference. The event includes:

• Talks and arguments about Green’s cosmic thesis
• Elephant rides with a REAL elephant ($300 a go)
• Trumpeters making elephant-like trumpet noises every 30 seconds
• Free cheese sandwiches (on white bread)
• A live screening of Dumbo

Green will also frequently attack anyone who disagrees with him. He does so with a copy of his book. In 2018, videos of him beating the crap out of assembled journalists were uploaded to Twitter.

This brought newfound attention to the annual conference and by 2022 over 1,000 people began attending. Most attended ironically and lined up enthusiastically to be assaulted by Green, whom they then threatened with legal action (litigation as a profit centre etc.). After the 2024 event, Green told the tabloid The Daily Disaster:

“This year we had 3,000 attendees and I assaulted roughly 63% of them. I’m facing several million in damages… I have decided to take less aggressive means of defending my FACT DRIVEN elephant-based thesis from next year onward.”

However, the 2025 event descended into anarchy when the on-site elephant panicked at the sight of a mouse. It stampeded across the venue and knocked over the cheese sandwich (on white bread) stand. With the food for the event demolished, most people went home.

Then, in January 2026, Green posted on his social media accounts the following statement:

“Dear reprobates,

It has come to my attention I have been abducted by elephants. I am on their home planet on the edge of the Universe and can confirm that, once you get to the edge, there’s nothing but elephants and cheese sandwich stands. It’s a bit disappointing, tbh, but confirms my words in Elephant Universe were prescient, correct, and I am a genius.

Kind regards.”

Green has not been heard of since and is likely still out there right now, hanging out with elephants, eating low-quality sandwiches.

Trauma for Trade Enterprises Ltd. 😱 [Sponsored Post]

Trauma for Trade (TfT) is the pre-eminent psychological distress data analyser on the global market. Buy, sell, and trade users’ vivid suffering (anxiety, depression, stress, PTSD, mania etc.) on an open market to create an international synergy in Authentic Character Development (ACD).

Whether you’re a big business ego, insufferable tech bro, psychopathic billionaire, or songwriter who’s run out of ideas, TfT is the place to touch base with MANKIND, circle back with your alignment, then leverage your disruptive marketplace vision with synergy-based delineation and scalable long-hanging fruit bandwidth.

TfT – Distress as a Data Point Initiator to Supercharge Your Bottom Line Through Dynamic Synergisation

Some entrepreneurs called our product too called our product too confusing and convoluted. It isn’t too confusing and convoluted, they (and you) are just stupid. Here’s a message from our obnoxious CEO, Derek “The Dickhead” Barnaby III:

“Trading people’s emotional distress is a fantastic business concept! Think of how much better everything in the world will be when fuelled by genuine human emotions! Every moment, every word of dialogue, stolen from some poor sap who sold their memories for $10 so they could pay their rent arrears, all so your business can understand that person’s deranged mindset so you can profit off of it! That is not confusing! It is just common sense!”

The concept is so simple even a simpleton can understand it:

1. On the open market Trauma for Trade market, the public sell their trauma to our data centres
2. The data is processed, categories, ordered, and put up for sale online
3. Businesses but that trauma data to make more granular, sensible, data-driven decisions
4. WE GET STINKING GODDAMN RICH AND OUR CEO CAN BUY A SECOND SUPERYACHT BECAUSE HE JUST WORKED HARDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE

Everyone wins! Members of the public can make $10 a go by divulging their worst life experiences with us, while your business spends $50 per databank need.

SUPERCHARGE YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR BANKS

Want to get the lowdown on the most perverse of all users? You need the Super Mega Premium Access Package (SMPAP) to mine the mindsets of:

• Perverts
• Weirdos
• Social outcasts
• Alcoholics
• Furries
• Axe-wielding maniacs

With all that additional knowledge, there’s no stopping your business. You’ll go from strength to strength! As the old saying goes—trauma isn’t trauma until it’s profitable.

100% Authentic (Genuinely Not Made Up By Us) Customer Testimonials

“I run a small independent restaurant in Manchester city centre called FuckYourCelery. Customers weren’t impressed with my vegan food, so I turned to Trauma for Trade’s vast databank and sourced the customer mindset of 179 classified psychopaths. Suitably inspired, I TRANSFORMED the menu into a dynamic Cereal Killer concept of vegan food hybrid meat-based products. The look of pure horror of customers trying to choose from dishes like Haggis & Gravy With Strawberries Rabies Bastard and Cheese With Dead Rat Soup was the most diabolically thrilling moment of my life. They reported me to the police. Woke bastards.” Kev in Manchester

“My vaping store was failing. Panic-stricken, I turned to tFt for help brainwashing a new sect of the market. With their data package included convicted murderers, kidnapping victims, and those with severe halitosis, I was able to corner a lucrative sect of the market—gym managers! Worked a treat, who’d have thought it!? They lapped it up, became addicts, and saved my business! AHAHAHAHAHAAAaaa!” Jane in Skegness

“Mitä vittua!?!? HE MYIVÄT MINULLE VALHEEN!!!! Mitä dataa tämä on? Myyn kenkiä työkseni, enkä halua kauhistuttaa kansakuntaa! TÄMÄ ON PASKAA! ANNA MINULLE RAHANI TAKAISIN!!! 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬” Mika from Jyväskylä

“Subscribed to the premium package. They sent me the brain data of a deranged 24 year old who collects stamps and once got punched by a football hooligan. This trauma did not translate into stronger sales for my barbershop… what a waste of money!” Jeff in Newcastle