#agonyaunt — Public Fediverse posts

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

Ask Dr. Moron: “Are bangs dangerous for my hair in summer?” 💣💥🧨

To bangs or not to bangs? That is the haircut question. As once summer hits, the human female is up against a plethora of essential hair decisions. One of which may be to do bangs (or not).

Today’s filly in distress is here to pose such a question to our esteemed Dr. Moron, a man whom faced (and defeated) male pattern balding at age 31 and knows nothing about bangs (or hair for that matter) now aged 41. Such is his medical brilliance, he’s not letting that save this dame from herself.

The Dangers of Bangs During the Summer

Disclaimer: Pay no attention at all to our medical "advice", it is utter nonsense and you would be an imbecile to take any of it seriously (you foolish cretin).

Dear Dr. Moron,

I’m thinking of getting bangs as a cute new summer hairdo. What do you think? I’m 21, incredibly good looking (so can pull most hairdos off tbh) and a woman. I’m single atm and want to get some dead fit guys interested in me.

Will bangs do that, or will too many of them be slaughtered in the subsequent explosions associated with this type of fringe? Because I don’t want to be done for murder or anything, I just want a nice new haircut to impress my mates and get hot blokes interested in me.

My current look isn’t cutting it (no pun intended there) so yeah. Just want bangs, that’d do it right? So long as it doesn’t kill no one, as previously indicated (really gotta stress that point), so yeah let me know what you think. You dealt with many bangs related severe injuries and the like?

Kind regards,

Rachel

Hi there, Rachel. Yes, I have indeed had to deal with many horrific injuries as a direct result of the bangs haircut. It’s truly one of the most violent hairdos known to humankind and it’s very selfish to pursue this look, not least due to the devastation to:

• Buildings and other constructions
• Anyone you’re dating
• Your singed eyebrows

Do you want singed eyebrows, Rachel? Do you!? Well, that’s what going to happen with bangs. Plus, there’s the possibility your hair will explode during a date and wipe your date, you, and the place you’re in (e.g. a bar) out in one foul swoop.

Do you want that on your conscience, Rachel? Do you!?

Exactly, so there’s only one viable solution here. You need to buy a pair of buzzers and shave all your hair off. That may be in the exact opposite direction of where you wanted to head, but when people’s lives are on the line you just need to do the right thing, love. All the best.

Agony Aunt: “Husband in his underwear in a heatwave…” ☀️🩲

Whenever there’s a heatwave in the UK, the British human male must ask himself this question: “Just how far am I willing to go to humiliate myself?”

Whether it’s parading around Tesco with his top off and in flipflops, or deciding a heatwave strategy is underpants only, the human females of the world can only watch on… and wonder.

When a Man and His Underpants Tackle a Heatwave

Dear agony aunt,

There’s the first heatwave of the year in England. My husband Terry (54) has decided his heatwave strategy for the year is to glisten himself up in suntan lotion, then parade around in only his underwear. He goes everything like that: to the shops, to work, to the cinema, to the restaurants etc. We’ve been banned from many places…

Terry doesn’t see the problem with his underpants strategy. Everyone else is repulsed by it.

Now, I love my husband of 20 years but this is a step too far. He’s a large man and watching him wobbling around in the sun, glistening, drenched in sweat, his underpants clinging on for dear life to protect his modesty, and it makes me think he’s unfit for society and should be sectioned. Or is that a step too far?

Anyway, I proposed the idea to him last night like this:

“Husband, you’re making a fool of yourself with this underpants in a heatwave dress sense. Look at you. You’re covered in blisters from sunburn and you have a grimace of agony on your blotched face. This is no good, I think you should have yourself committed. It’s for your own good.”

Well, he didn’t react very well to that. He huffed and puffed and all that huffing and puffing split some of his sunburn blisters and they turned into howls of agony. While he lay on the floor wailing, that’s when I took the chance and got the medical people out and try and get him sectioned. I explained to them he’s clinically insane as he was wandering around in underpants during a heatwave. Well… and get this… the male physicians got really offended about this because THEY WALK AROUND IN UNDERPANTS IN A HEATWAVE AS WELL.

It’s just something older men do, apparently…

They refused to have Terry sectioned. Instead, they gave him a glass of lemonade and an ice lolly and smeared Sudocrem all over him for the sunburn. They said he’ll be “right as rain” in a few days, I just have to keep feeding him ice lollies, chilled lemonade, and smearing Sudocrem all over him.

Needless to say, Terry isn’t talking to me now. He thinks I’m “evil” and “demon spawn”.

How do I save my marriage? Do I even want to save my marriage?

Yours,

Vera

Vera… you’ve committed a very grave mistake in challenging your husband on this matter. It is every man’s right to “parade” (as you so obnoxiously put it) around in his undies during a heatwave. What sort of deranged wife wouldn’t let a man breathe in such a way?

Your husband is right to not want to talk to you.

You can tell how angry we are as we had to use “to” some THREE times in that last sentence! Who do you think you are!? Honestly. We’re sitting here, taking our time to respond to you, during a heatwave, WHILST WEARING OUR FAVOURITE UNDERPANTS! What, exactly, is wrong with that?! Hmmm!?

You’re permanently banned from requesting agony aunt feedback for the rest of time. Good day, madam!

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1958575046

My first time streaming on Twitch where I played Kind Words, which is about helping people instead of slaying them. Curious ? Please 🙏🏻 watch. Though I felt a bit like an online agony aunt, I would like to continue streaming!
#helping #agonyaunt #gaming #streaming #twitch #gamification #socialwork

I think we need an agony aunt column for readers.

I was talking to a friend about Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale when I realised I couldn't recall fairly large chunks of it - so here's my question to any future literary agony aunt:

'Should I reread Atwood's book - and could I even stand doing so, while so many politicians (& media & voters) seem to see the book not as a work of dystopian fiction but a travel guide?'

#MargaretAtwood
#Handmaid
#AgonyAunt
#DystopianFiction
#Bookstodon

In our latest episode our #conservation agony aunt gives us some advice around pitching for more time for collections care to higher-ups and how to speak their lingo when you need to:
https://thecword.show/2023/04/05/s13e02-accreditation-part-1/

#DearJane #TheCWordPodcast #AgonyAunt #podcasts #CollectionsCare #conservators #museums