#agonyaunt — Public Fediverse posts

Agony Aunt: “How do I tell if my wife is a commie?” 🛠️

Husband! So, the worst has happened. You suspect your wife is a communist. Once you’ve overcome the initial mortal blow, you’ve reasoned with God and pleaded for forgiveness, then it’s time to Confront the Missus.

Today’s poor SOB is plotting for the final step. How does one, as a fine upstanding capitalist, deal with Satan? Well, it takes nerves of steel and the cunning of 100 Jeff Bezoses, but you can do it with our help (Agony Aunt Experts since 2016, loser of Agony Aunt of the Year Award since 2016).

Is My Wife a Rabid Communist?

Dear agony auny,

Yesterday… everything seemed normal. I got home from work, had a few beers, ate bangers and mash, then sat and watched GB News while belching. The wife then got home from work (she’s one of them “working mums” I know smh) with, and get this… A COPY OF THE TIMES NEWSPAPER.

Can you imagine the terror what struck down my spine? I near shat myself.

There was only one thing for it. I leapt up from the sofa, turned GB News up to maximum volume, hobbled over to the missus, grabbed The Times from her, and rushed out into the back garden. There I BURNED it into oblivion! Tipped petrol over it, set it alight, danced The Capitalist Dance around it while half naked stripped down to me undies and chanting “IF YOU’RE POOR YOU SHOULD WORK HARDER!” over and over.

Neighbours gave me some odd looks and one called the cops on me. Cops turned up and asked what were going on. I explained the situation and the coppers immediately arrested the missus and took her down to the station for 48 hours of questioning. When she came back she were angry, pale, but STILL A COMMUNIST because she’d bought a copy of The Independent!

Did the same thing, burned it in the back garden, war dance etc. Instead of calling the pigs, I confronted her.

“Is you a communist, woman!?”

“What? I’m just reading the news!”

“THE COMMUNIST NEWS, WOMAN!”

I then forced her to watch two hours straight of GB News and, in particular, its Woke Watch segment. I kept a beady eye on here to see if she’d flinch. After two hours, she was noticeably much more right-wing (for example, she hadn’t bought any communist newspapers in that time).

But still, I couldn’t sleep that night. I lay awake all night wondering if I were sharing a bed with a commie. Could this be true? Will our kids be communists, too?! Am I being punished for watching The Odyssey at IMAX in 70MM and enjoying it but now this is revenge by God for me being woke?

Help me! My life is at a terrifying crossroads…

Cheers mate,

Danny

Hi there, Danny. There are 13 tell-tale signs if your spouse is a communist, so you should check your wife’s behaviour against the below:

1. Is constantly talking about Russia
2. Wants to move to Russia
3. Is learning to speak Russian
4. Claims the means of production should be owned by workers
5. Buys newspapers such as The Times, The Independent, or reads Buzzfeed
6. Nails posters of Rasputin up around your property
7. Has a copy of The Communist Manifesto in the drawer by the bed
8. Likes drinking vodka
9. Eats nothing but fermented foods and/or sourdough
10. Often watches WWII films
11. Votes left-wing
12. Doesn’t shop at Amazon
13. Explicitly states, “I am a communist.”

If your partner scores over three on that list, then they’re a communist. Your course of action is to then either divorce your partner, or set your property on fire and flee to higher ground. Best of luck, Danny.

Agony Aunt: “How do I tell if my wife is a commie?” 🛠️

Husband! So, the worst has happened. You suspect your wife is a communist. Once you’ve overcome the initial mortal blow, you’ve reasoned with God and pleaded for forgiveness, then it’s time to Confront the Missus.

Today’s poor SOB is plotting for the final step. How does one, as a fine upstanding capitalist, deal with Satan? Well, it takes nerves of steel and the cunning of 100 Jeff Bezoses, but you can do it with our help (Agony Aunt Experts since 2016, loser of Agony Aunt of the Year Award since 2016).

Is My Wife a Rabid Communist?

Dear agony auny,

Yesterday… everything seemed normal. I got home from work, had a few beers, ate bangers and mash, then sat and watched GB News while belching. The wife then got home from work (she’s one of them “working mums” I know smh) with, and get this… A COPY OF THE TIMES NEWSPAPER.

Can you imagine the terror what struck down my spine? I near shat myself.

There was only one thing for it. I leapt up from the sofa, turned GB News up to maximum volume, hobbled over to the missus, grabbed The Times from her, and rushed out into the back garden. There I BURNED it into oblivion! Tipped petrol over it, set it alight, danced The Capitalist Dance around it while half naked stripped down to me undies and chanting “IF YOU’RE POOR YOU SHOULD WORK HARDER!” over and over.

Neighbours gave me some odd looks and one called the cops on me. Cops turned up and asked what were going on. I explained the situation and the coppers immediately arrested the missus and took her down to the station for 48 hours of questioning. When she came back she were angry, pale, but STILL A COMMUNIST because she’d bought a copy of The Independent!

Did the same thing, burned it in the back garden, war dance etc. Instead of calling the pigs, I confronted her.

“Is you a communist, woman!?”

“What? I’m just reading the news!”

“THE COMMUNIST NEWS, WOMAN!”

I then forced her to watch two hours straight of GB News and, in particular, its Woke Watch segment. I kept a beady eye on here to see if she’d flinch. After two hours, she was noticeably much more right-wing (for example, she hadn’t bought any communist newspapers in that time).

But still, I couldn’t sleep that night. I lay awake all night wondering if I were sharing a bed with a commie. Could this be true? Will our kids be communists, too?! Am I being punished for watching The Odyssey at IMAX in 70MM and enjoying it but now this is revenge by God for me being woke?

Help me! My life is at a terrifying crossroads…

Cheers mate,

Danny

Hi there, Danny. There are 13 tell-tale signs if your spouse is a communist, so you should check your wife’s behaviour against the below:

1. Is constantly talking about Russia
2. Wants to move to Russia
3. Is learning to speak Russian
4. Claims the means of production should be owned by workers
5. Buys newspapers such as The Times, The Independent, or reads Buzzfeed
6. Nails posters of Rasputin up around your property
7. Has a copy of The Communist Manifesto in the drawer by the bed
8. Likes drinking vodka
9. Eats nothing but fermented foods and/or sourdough
10. Often watches WWII films
11. Votes left-wing
12. Doesn’t shop at Amazon
13. Explicitly states, “I am a communist.”

If your partner scores over three on that list, then they’re a communist. Your course of action is to then either divorce your partner, or set your property on fire and flee to higher ground. Best of luck, Danny.

Agony Aunt: “How do I tell if my wife is a commie?” 🛠️

Husband! So, the worst has happened. You suspect your wife is a communist. Once you’ve overcome the initial mortal blow, you’ve reasoned with God and pleaded for forgiveness, then it’s time to Confront the Missus.

Today’s poor SOB is plotting for the final step. How does one, as a fine upstanding capitalist, deal with Satan? Well, it takes nerves of steel and the cunning of 100 Jeff Bezoses, but you can do it with our help (Agony Aunt Experts since 2016, loser of Agony Aunt of the Year Award since 2016).

Is My Wife a Rabid Communist?

Dear agony auny,

Yesterday… everything seemed normal. I got home from work, had a few beers, ate bangers and mash, then sat and watched GB News while belching. The wife then got home from work (she’s one of them “working mums” I know smh) with, and get this… A COPY OF THE TIMES NEWSPAPER.

Can you imagine the terror what struck down my spine? I near shat myself.

There was only one thing for it. I leapt up from the sofa, turned GB News up to maximum volume, hobbled over to the missus, grabbed The Times from her, and rushed out into the back garden. There I BURNED it into oblivion! Tipped petrol over it, set it alight, danced The Capitalist Dance around it while half naked stripped down to me undies and chanting “IF YOU’RE POOR YOU SHOULD WORK HARDER!” over and over.

Neighbours gave me some odd looks and one called the cops on me. Cops turned up and asked what were going on. I explained the situation and the coppers immediately arrested the missus and took her down to the station for 48 hours of questioning. When she came back she were angry, pale, but STILL A COMMUNIST because she’d bought a copy of The Independent!

Did the same thing, burned it in the back garden, war dance etc. Instead of calling the pigs, I confronted her.

“Is you a communist, woman!?”

“What? I’m just reading the news!”

“THE COMMUNIST NEWS, WOMAN!”

I then forced her to watch two hours straight of GB News and, in particular, its Woke Watch segment. I kept a beady eye on here to see if she’d flinch. After two hours, she was noticeably much more right-wing (for example, she hadn’t bought any communist newspapers in that time).

But still, I couldn’t sleep that night. I lay awake all night wondering if I were sharing a bed with a commie. Could this be true? Will our kids be communists, too?! Am I being punished for watching The Odyssey at IMAX in 70MM and enjoying it but now this is revenge by God for me being woke?

Help me! My life is at a terrifying crossroads…

Cheers mate,

Danny

Hi there, Danny. There are 13 tell-tale signs if your spouse is a communist, so you should check your wife’s behaviour against the below:

1. Is constantly talking about Russia
2. Wants to move to Russia
3. Is learning to speak Russian
4. Claims the means of production should be owned by workers
5. Buys newspapers such as The Times, The Independent, or reads Buzzfeed
6. Nails posters of Rasputin up around your property
7. Has a copy of The Communist Manifesto in the drawer by the bed
8. Likes drinking vodka
9. Eats nothing but fermented foods and/or sourdough
10. Often watches WWII films
11. Votes left-wing
12. Doesn’t shop at Amazon
13. Explicitly states, “I am a communist.”

If your partner scores over three on that list, then they’re a communist. Your course of action is to then either divorce your partner, or set your property on fire and flee to higher ground. Best of luck, Danny.

Agony Aunt: “How do I tell if my wife is a commie?” 🛠️

Husband! So, the worst has happened. You suspect your wife is a communist. Once you’ve overcome the initial mortal blow, you’ve reasoned with God and pleaded for forgiveness, then it’s time to Confront the Missus.

Today’s poor SOB is plotting for the final step. How does one, as a fine upstanding capitalist, deal with Satan? Well, it takes nerves of steel and the cunning of 100 Jeff Bezoses, but you can do it with our help (Agony Aunt Experts since 2016, loser of Agony Aunt of the Year Award since 2016).

Is My Wife a Rabid Communist?

Dear agony auny,

Yesterday… everything seemed normal. I got home from work, had a few beers, ate bangers and mash, then sat and watched GB News while belching. The wife then got home from work (she’s one of them “working mums” I know smh) with, and get this… A COPY OF THE TIMES NEWSPAPER.

Can you imagine the terror what struck down my spine? I near shat myself.

There was only one thing for it. I leapt up from the sofa, turned GB News up to maximum volume, hobbled over to the missus, grabbed The Times from her, and rushed out into the back garden. There I BURNED it into oblivion! Tipped petrol over it, set it alight, danced The Capitalist Dance around it while half naked stripped down to me undies and chanting “IF YOU’RE POOR YOU SHOULD WORK HARDER!” over and over.

Neighbours gave me some odd looks and one called the cops on me. Cops turned up and asked what were going on. I explained the situation and the coppers immediately arrested the missus and took her down to the station for 48 hours of questioning. When she came back she were angry, pale, but STILL A COMMUNIST because she’d bought a copy of The Independent!

Did the same thing, burned it in the back garden, war dance etc. Instead of calling the pigs, I confronted her.

“Is you a communist, woman!?”

“What? I’m just reading the news!”

“THE COMMUNIST NEWS, WOMAN!”

I then forced her to watch two hours straight of GB News and, in particular, its Woke Watch segment. I kept a beady eye on here to see if she’d flinch. After two hours, she was noticeably much more right-wing (for example, she hadn’t bought any communist newspapers in that time).

But still, I couldn’t sleep that night. I lay awake all night wondering if I were sharing a bed with a commie. Could this be true? Will our kids be communists, too?! Am I being punished for watching The Odyssey at IMAX in 70MM and enjoying it but now this is revenge by God for me being woke?

Help me! My life is at a terrifying crossroads…

Cheers mate,

Danny

Hi there, Danny. There are 13 tell-tale signs if your spouse is a communist, so you should check your wife’s behaviour against the below:

1. Is constantly talking about Russia
2. Wants to move to Russia
3. Is learning to speak Russian
4. Claims the means of production should be owned by workers
5. Buys newspapers such as The Times, The Independent, or reads Buzzfeed
6. Nails posters of Rasputin up around your property
7. Has a copy of The Communist Manifesto in the drawer by the bed
8. Likes drinking vodka
9. Eats nothing but fermented foods and/or sourdough
10. Often watches WWII films
11. Votes left-wing
12. Doesn’t shop at Amazon
13. Explicitly states, “I am a communist.”

If your partner scores over three on that list, then they’re a communist. Your course of action is to then either divorce your partner, or set your property on fire and flee to higher ground. Best of luck, Danny.

Agony Aunt: “Husband says ‘mankind’ can I divorce him?” 🧔‍♂️

Some human males are prone to dialectical and other speech-based errors in judgement. Others are just stupid. Others use “mankind” because they know Neil Armstrong landed on the Moon and said that, so it’s okay.

However, some human females do not think it is “okay”. Indeed, some believe it to be a grave error in spoken incorrectness. And that is what we’re exploring today to clear up all this mess.

When a Man Says “Mankind” and it’s a Problem

Dear agony aunt,

My DICKHEAD of a husband is going out of his way to wind me up. He keeps saying “mankind” all the time, and texting me and using that word a lot. It’ll be a message like: “Hi babe, we going to go to the restaurant tonight to eat with mankind?” or “hey babe are you going to do my washing for the good of mankind?” and “manking is the main breadwinner babe you need to earn less than me”.

He keeps making typos, too, and uses “manking” and that’s somehow even worse and I’m not even sure why.

I know why he’s doing it. It’s because I bought the Blu-ray special edition of Barbie and we watched it for movie night and now he’s angry because I made him watch a “chick flick” and forced “feminist propaganda” onto him. This man is 43 years old by the way.

So, I came up with a bunch of strategies to screw him over. Figured that’s a healthy way to respond as a mature adult:

• The Neil Armstrong Protocol: Whenever he uses “mankind” I pretend to be an astronaut and start pretend floating around the room, while responding with NASA-like space telemetry jargon. See the below example:
  • “Copy, Houston, the carrier lock and signal-to-noise ratio is OOL, the attitude determination and control system is downlinked, uplink it to reduce the bit error rate and upload the housekeeping data.”
• Blocked on WhatsApp: I’ve blocked him on WhatsApp so I don’t get his “manking” messages. He’s asked me why I never respond to his messages and I tell him it must be because of a bad connection.
• Overuse of Womankind: To wind him up, I’ve been using “womankind” constantly throughout our conversations and regularly remind him that he has a hairy back and only an average sized penis.
• Drunkenness: I’ve also started getting very drunk at random times (for example, on Saturday morning) just to wind him up. This works and he says “Why are you drunk!? It’s Saturday morning!” and I burp loudly and tell him to get back to his kitchen.

It’s fair to say all of this has led to a decline in our marriage situation. We’re not on speaking terms at the moment, which is about the 10th time this month. And you know what? I’m kind of enjoying the peace and quiet.

Do I hear divorce bells?

Hit me with your rhythm stick (i.e. please provide logical feedback).

Yours,

Poppy

Hi there, Poopy! You’ve asked for “logical” feedback, but we’re not that type of agony aunt. We’re more on the illogical side of things. However, we do think you’ve brought your A game to this marital conflict. The fact you can hear divorce bells signals one of two things:

1. You’re having a mental breakdown and need urgent psychiatric assistance
2. The Divorce Gods are calling to you and it is time to dump that zero and find yourself a hero

We’re on first name terms terms with an industry-leading Divorce God, so we’ll forward her number and you can have a lovely chinwag about clinical insanity, manking, humanking, and sandwiches.

Agony Aunt: “Husband says ‘mankind’ can I divorce him?” 🧔‍♂️

Some human males are prone to dialectical and other speech-based errors in judgement. Others are just stupid. Others use “mankind” because they know Neil Armstrong landed on the Moon and said that, so it’s okay.

However, some human females do not think it is “okay”. Indeed, some believe it to be a grave error in spoken incorrectness. And that is what we’re exploring today to clear up all this mess.

When a Man Says “Mankind” and it’s a Problem

Dear agony aunt,

My DICKHEAD of a husband is going out of his way to wind me up. He keeps saying “mankind” all the time, and texting me and using that word a lot. It’ll be a message like: “Hi babe, we going to go to the restaurant tonight to eat with mankind?” or “hey babe are you going to do my washing for the good of mankind?” and “manking is the main breadwinner babe you need to earn less than me”.

He keeps making typos, too, and uses “manking” and that’s somehow even worse and I’m not even sure why.

I know why he’s doing it. It’s because I bought the Blu-ray special edition of Barbie and we watched it for movie night and now he’s angry because I made him watch a “chick flick” and forced “feminist propaganda” onto him. This man is 43 years old by the way.

So, I came up with a bunch of strategies to screw him over. Figured that’s a healthy way to respond as a mature adult:

• The Neil Armstrong Protocol: Whenever he uses “mankind” I pretend to be an astronaut and start pretend floating around the room, while responding with NASA-like space telemetry jargon. See the below example:
  • “Copy, Houston, the carrier lock and signal-to-noise ratio is OOL, the attitude determination and control system is downlinked, uplink it to reduce the bit error rate and upload the housekeeping data.”
• Blocked on WhatsApp: I’ve blocked him on WhatsApp so I don’t get his “manking” messages. He’s asked me why I never respond to his messages and I tell him it must be because of a bad connection.
• Overuse of Womankind: To wind him up, I’ve been using “womankind” constantly throughout our conversations and regularly remind him that he has a hairy back and only an average sized penis.
• Drunkenness: I’ve also started getting very drunk at random times (for example, on Saturday morning) just to wind him up. This works and he says “Why are you drunk!? It’s Saturday morning!” and I burp loudly and tell him to get back to his kitchen.

It’s fair to say all of this has led to a decline in our marriage situation. We’re not on speaking terms at the moment, which is about the 10th time this month. And you know what? I’m kind of enjoying the peace and quiet.

Do I hear divorce bells?

Hit me with your rhythm stick (i.e. please provide logical feedback).

Yours,

Poppy

Hi there, Poopy! You’ve asked for “logical” feedback, but we’re not that type of agony aunt. We’re more on the illogical side of things. However, we do think you’ve brought your A game to this marital conflict. The fact you can hear divorce bells signals one of two things:

1. You’re having a mental breakdown and need urgent psychiatric assistance
2. The Divorce Gods are calling to you and it is time to dump that zero and find yourself a hero

We’re on first name terms terms with an industry-leading Divorce God, so we’ll forward her number and you can have a lovely chinwag about clinical insanity, manking, humanking, and sandwiches.

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

Agony Aunt: “Husband brushes his teeth then drinks orange juice” 🍊

It is true that some human males are just ill. For example, with today’s example, a human male whom enjoys brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. What does one do with such a deranged specimen?

Well, good job we’re trained agony aunts and doctors then, isn’t it? Even though we’re neither, we’re arrogant and unstable enough to push on with our assessment, certain in our belief we can find some sort of answer.

When a Man Thinks Drinking Orange Juice Post-Tooth Brushing is OK

Dear agony aunt,

I’m sobbing while I type this. Sobbing. My husband of 15 months has what he calls a new “hobby” and it’s drinking orange juice after he’s just brushed his teeth. We all know how DISGUSTING that sensation is, how it corrupts the taste of pure, healthy, delicious, and refreshing OJ. He says he likes it and now I’m left questioning his sanity.

Not just his sanity, but mine as well. What the Hell did I marry into? His mother didn’t mention this to me. She didn’t say, “Frankie, your husband will develop this really weird problem that’ll destroy your lives, best of luck with that.” She said nothing! I’ve rounded on her furiously about that, I’ve sent her a load of highly abusive text messages effing and blinding and offloading my rage. I feel a lot better about it, but now she’s refusing to speak to me. Cow!

Anyway, my husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with his illness.

I’ve pointed out that drinking orange juice after is REVOLTING and a really, really weird taste in your mouth. I have reiterated the REVOLTING point of view many, many times. One step I took was to do it myself (brush teeth, drink OJ) and I made a dramatic scene of clutching at my throat, rolling around on the floor, gurgling etc. My husband called me “immature” and “hysterical”. I got up and called him a lot of very mean swear words that maybe pushed the boundaries of polite society, but I felt they were worthwhile in that situation. But now my husband isn’t speaking to me and it’s been 48 hours.

He keeps drinking the OJ (after brushing his teeth, of course).

To spite me, he did a supermarket online food order JUST FOR HIMSELF and the order was something like 14 litres of orange juice, 12 tubes of toothpaste, and an electric toothbrush. He spent the weekend sitting on the sofa, watching the world cup, downing orange juice, brushing his teeth, and even my hysterical shrieking at him wouldn’t make him stop.

Thoughts on all of this? I’m at a loss.

Kind regards,

Frankie

Frank—to be honest, this is one of the most bizarre agony aunt columns we’ve ever had to deal with. We’ve been dealing with this insane crap from weirdos for 10 years now, but this truly takes the biscuit.

But… on duty of care as agony aunt obliges us to review you case. We note:

1. Based on his diet, your husband has very little chance of getting scurvy
2. He also won’t be suffering from rotten teeth, given his excellent teeth brushing consistency
3. Your obsession with his habit (“hobby” as he calls it) will destroy your marriage
4. Oh hey, we just realised we’ve been doing this agony aunt thing for 10 years! 🥳🍾🥂

We’re happier about our 10th anniversary than anything else, so have decided to take the day off and not bother resolving your daft marital strife. All the best, Frank!

Ask Dr. Moron: “Are bangs dangerous for my hair in summer?” 💣💥🧨

To bangs or not to bangs? That is the haircut question. As once summer hits, the human female is up against a plethora of essential hair decisions. One of which may be to do bangs (or not).

Today’s filly in distress is here to pose such a question to our esteemed Dr. Moron, a man whom faced (and defeated) male pattern balding at age 31 and knows nothing about bangs (or hair for that matter) now aged 41. Such is his medical brilliance, he’s not letting that save this dame from herself.

The Dangers of Bangs During the Summer

Disclaimer: Pay no attention at all to our medical "advice", it is utter nonsense and you would be an imbecile to take any of it seriously (you foolish cretin).

Dear Dr. Moron,

I’m thinking of getting bangs as a cute new summer hairdo. What do you think? I’m 21, incredibly good looking (so can pull most hairdos off tbh) and a woman. I’m single atm and want to get some dead fit guys interested in me.

Will bangs do that, or will too many of them be slaughtered in the subsequent explosions associated with this type of fringe? Because I don’t want to be done for murder or anything, I just want a nice new haircut to impress my mates and get hot blokes interested in me.

My current look isn’t cutting it (no pun intended there) so yeah. Just want bangs, that’d do it right? So long as it doesn’t kill no one, as previously indicated (really gotta stress that point), so yeah let me know what you think. You dealt with many bangs related severe injuries and the like?

Kind regards,

Rachel

Hi there, Rachel. Yes, I have indeed had to deal with many horrific injuries as a direct result of the bangs haircut. It’s truly one of the most violent hairdos known to humankind and it’s very selfish to pursue this look, not least due to the devastation to:

• Buildings and other constructions
• Anyone you’re dating
• Your singed eyebrows

Do you want singed eyebrows, Rachel? Do you!? Well, that’s what going to happen with bangs. Plus, there’s the possibility your hair will explode during a date and wipe your date, you, and the place you’re in (e.g. a bar) out in one foul swoop.

Do you want that on your conscience, Rachel? Do you!?

Exactly, so there’s only one viable solution here. You need to buy a pair of buzzers and shave all your hair off. That may be in the exact opposite direction of where you wanted to head, but when people’s lives are on the line you just need to do the right thing, love. All the best.

Ask Dr. Moron: “Are bangs dangerous for my hair in summer?” 💣💥🧨

To bangs or not to bangs? That is the haircut question. As once summer hits, the human female is up against a plethora of essential hair decisions. One of which may be to do bangs (or not).

Today’s filly in distress is here to pose such a question to our esteemed Dr. Moron, a man whom faced (and defeated) male pattern balding at age 31 and knows nothing about bangs (or hair for that matter) now aged 41. Such is his medical brilliance, he’s not letting that save this dame from herself.

The Dangers of Bangs During the Summer

Disclaimer: Pay no attention at all to our medical "advice", it is utter nonsense and you would be an imbecile to take any of it seriously (you foolish cretin).

Dear Dr. Moron,

I’m thinking of getting bangs as a cute new summer hairdo. What do you think? I’m 21, incredibly good looking (so can pull most hairdos off tbh) and a woman. I’m single atm and want to get some dead fit guys interested in me.

Will bangs do that, or will too many of them be slaughtered in the subsequent explosions associated with this type of fringe? Because I don’t want to be done for murder or anything, I just want a nice new haircut to impress my mates and get hot blokes interested in me.

My current look isn’t cutting it (no pun intended there) so yeah. Just want bangs, that’d do it right? So long as it doesn’t kill no one, as previously indicated (really gotta stress that point), so yeah let me know what you think. You dealt with many bangs related severe injuries and the like?

Kind regards,

Rachel

Hi there, Rachel. Yes, I have indeed had to deal with many horrific injuries as a direct result of the bangs haircut. It’s truly one of the most violent hairdos known to humankind and it’s very selfish to pursue this look, not least due to the devastation to:

• Buildings and other constructions
• Anyone you’re dating
• Your singed eyebrows

Do you want singed eyebrows, Rachel? Do you!? Well, that’s what going to happen with bangs. Plus, there’s the possibility your hair will explode during a date and wipe your date, you, and the place you’re in (e.g. a bar) out in one foul swoop.

Do you want that on your conscience, Rachel? Do you!?

Exactly, so there’s only one viable solution here. You need to buy a pair of buzzers and shave all your hair off. That may be in the exact opposite direction of where you wanted to head, but when people’s lives are on the line you just need to do the right thing, love. All the best.

Ask Dr. Moron: “Are bangs dangerous for my hair in summer?” 💣💥🧨

To bangs or not to bangs? That is the haircut question. As once summer hits, the human female is up against a plethora of essential hair decisions. One of which may be to do bangs (or not).

Today’s filly in distress is here to pose such a question to our esteemed Dr. Moron, a man whom faced (and defeated) male pattern balding at age 31 and knows nothing about bangs (or hair for that matter) now aged 41. Such is his medical brilliance, he’s not letting that save this dame from herself.

The Dangers of Bangs During the Summer

Disclaimer: Pay no attention at all to our medical "advice", it is utter nonsense and you would be an imbecile to take any of it seriously (you foolish cretin).

Dear Dr. Moron,

I’m thinking of getting bangs as a cute new summer hairdo. What do you think? I’m 21, incredibly good looking (so can pull most hairdos off tbh) and a woman. I’m single atm and want to get some dead fit guys interested in me.

Will bangs do that, or will too many of them be slaughtered in the subsequent explosions associated with this type of fringe? Because I don’t want to be done for murder or anything, I just want a nice new haircut to impress my mates and get hot blokes interested in me.

My current look isn’t cutting it (no pun intended there) so yeah. Just want bangs, that’d do it right? So long as it doesn’t kill no one, as previously indicated (really gotta stress that point), so yeah let me know what you think. You dealt with many bangs related severe injuries and the like?

Kind regards,

Rachel

Hi there, Rachel. Yes, I have indeed had to deal with many horrific injuries as a direct result of the bangs haircut. It’s truly one of the most violent hairdos known to humankind and it’s very selfish to pursue this look, not least due to the devastation to:

• Buildings and other constructions
• Anyone you’re dating
• Your singed eyebrows

Do you want singed eyebrows, Rachel? Do you!? Well, that’s what going to happen with bangs. Plus, there’s the possibility your hair will explode during a date and wipe your date, you, and the place you’re in (e.g. a bar) out in one foul swoop.

Do you want that on your conscience, Rachel? Do you!?

Exactly, so there’s only one viable solution here. You need to buy a pair of buzzers and shave all your hair off. That may be in the exact opposite direction of where you wanted to head, but when people’s lives are on the line you just need to do the right thing, love. All the best.

Ask Dr. Moron: “Are bangs dangerous for my hair in summer?” 💣💥🧨

To bangs or not to bangs? That is the haircut question. As once summer hits, the human female is up against a plethora of essential hair decisions. One of which may be to do bangs (or not).

Today’s filly in distress is here to pose such a question to our esteemed Dr. Moron, a man whom faced (and defeated) male pattern balding at age 31 and knows nothing about bangs (or hair for that matter) now aged 41. Such is his medical brilliance, he’s not letting that save this dame from herself.

The Dangers of Bangs During the Summer

Disclaimer: Pay no attention at all to our medical "advice", it is utter nonsense and you would be an imbecile to take any of it seriously (you foolish cretin).

Dear Dr. Moron,

I’m thinking of getting bangs as a cute new summer hairdo. What do you think? I’m 21, incredibly good looking (so can pull most hairdos off tbh) and a woman. I’m single atm and want to get some dead fit guys interested in me.

Will bangs do that, or will too many of them be slaughtered in the subsequent explosions associated with this type of fringe? Because I don’t want to be done for murder or anything, I just want a nice new haircut to impress my mates and get hot blokes interested in me.

My current look isn’t cutting it (no pun intended there) so yeah. Just want bangs, that’d do it right? So long as it doesn’t kill no one, as previously indicated (really gotta stress that point), so yeah let me know what you think. You dealt with many bangs related severe injuries and the like?

Kind regards,

Rachel

Hi there, Rachel. Yes, I have indeed had to deal with many horrific injuries as a direct result of the bangs haircut. It’s truly one of the most violent hairdos known to humankind and it’s very selfish to pursue this look, not least due to the devastation to:

• Buildings and other constructions
• Anyone you’re dating
• Your singed eyebrows

Do you want singed eyebrows, Rachel? Do you!? Well, that’s what going to happen with bangs. Plus, there’s the possibility your hair will explode during a date and wipe your date, you, and the place you’re in (e.g. a bar) out in one foul swoop.

Do you want that on your conscience, Rachel? Do you!?

Exactly, so there’s only one viable solution here. You need to buy a pair of buzzers and shave all your hair off. That may be in the exact opposite direction of where you wanted to head, but when people’s lives are on the line you just need to do the right thing, love. All the best.

Agony Aunt: “Suntan lotion is woke propaganda!” ⛱️☀️🌅

It’s that time of year again when UK geezers in a heatwave take on the giant star at the centre of our solar system. And UK geezers will always win, as the Sun is woke.

But what if you have a doting wife, looking on at your manly husband, concerned about his wellbeing? Quit nagging, lady, you need to cut that woke out!

When a Woman Complains About Manly Sunburn

Alright mate? I’m Danny. 35. Got 3 kids, the missus is a banger and we’ve just been on holiday to Spain. It were dead good but THE WIFE were nagging the whole trip because of me sunburn. It were manly sunburn. Sunburn is manly. I got it over 57% of me body and were beaming red even when I got home to Preston and showed me mates down the pub and it were banging. Pub landlord looked at me and gave me a free pint saying I were a hero for the nation. It were the best day of me life!

Then the nagging went on and on and on. The wife were on my case about how I were “red raw” and that me grunts of agony and “strained” facial expressions of agony, and the occasional scream of sunburn agony, were worrying her. Yeah, it hurts like a bastard but that’s the price you pay for NOT BEING WOKE.

Because what am I gonna do, slather my body in suntan lotion!? I’ve read the conspiracy theories me and I know the truth. The truth scares me rigid and gives me anxiety attacks when I think about it:

• Suntan lotion has mind-altering chemicals in it that makes you a leftist feminist
• Suntan lotion gives you rabies
• My mate went woke and used suntan lotion last week and now he’s dead because he was run over by a car and you can’t tell me that’s not coincidence
• Suntan lotion means you don’t get sunburn and that’s woke and I want to be manly

Think I’ve made me case clear as day. Sound as a pound. Yeah, I’ve spent all my time typing this shouting sweet bloody murder because of the sunburn, but it does mean I got to skip work and that’s what life is all about, mate! Eh? So tell me wife to SLING HER HOOK so I can continue on me way, being a real man, not being a jessy.

Cheers,

Danny

Hi there, Danny! Not really sure what to add here other than you clearly have your priorities in life sorted. However, and whomever, it’s important to remember that old adage:

“A sunburn is for life, not just for Christmas.”

Therefore, you are indeed right to get on your wife’s case about this. You’re caring for, and nurturing, your sunburn into the next generation, so that future sunburns will be even more manly for the men of this world. That is simply science, based on empirical evidence, as God as our witness.

You’re a real hero, Danny. There aren’t many around these woke days, but from now on we mark 29th June as an annual tribute day to Danny, the sunburned man who screams in agony every time he breathes.

Agony Aunt: “Suntan lotion is woke propaganda!” ⛱️☀️🌅

It’s that time of year again when UK geezers in a heatwave take on the giant star at the centre of our solar system. And UK geezers will always win, as the Sun is woke.

But what if you have a doting wife, looking on at your manly husband, concerned about his wellbeing? Quit nagging, lady, you need to cut that woke out!

When a Woman Complains About Manly Sunburn

Alright mate? I’m Danny. 35. Got 3 kids, the missus is a banger and we’ve just been on holiday to Spain. It were dead good but THE WIFE were nagging the whole trip because of me sunburn. It were manly sunburn. Sunburn is manly. I got it over 57% of me body and were beaming red even when I got home to Preston and showed me mates down the pub and it were banging. Pub landlord looked at me and gave me a free pint saying I were a hero for the nation. It were the best day of me life!

Then the nagging went on and on and on. The wife were on my case about how I were “red raw” and that me grunts of agony and “strained” facial expressions of agony, and the occasional scream of sunburn agony, were worrying her. Yeah, it hurts like a bastard but that’s the price you pay for NOT BEING WOKE.

Because what am I gonna do, slather my body in suntan lotion!? I’ve read the conspiracy theories me and I know the truth. The truth scares me rigid and gives me anxiety attacks when I think about it:

• Suntan lotion has mind-altering chemicals in it that makes you a leftist feminist
• Suntan lotion gives you rabies
• My mate went woke and used suntan lotion last week and now he’s dead because he was run over by a car and you can’t tell me that’s not coincidence
• Suntan lotion means you don’t get sunburn and that’s woke and I want to be manly

Think I’ve made me case clear as day. Sound as a pound. Yeah, I’ve spent all my time typing this shouting sweet bloody murder because of the sunburn, but it does mean I got to skip work and that’s what life is all about, mate! Eh? So tell me wife to SLING HER HOOK so I can continue on me way, being a real man, not being a jessy.

Cheers,

Danny

Hi there, Danny! Not really sure what to add here other than you clearly have your priorities in life sorted. However, and whomever, it’s important to remember that old adage:

“A sunburn is for life, not just for Christmas.”

Therefore, you are indeed right to get on your wife’s case about this. You’re caring for, and nurturing, your sunburn into the next generation, so that future sunburns will be even more manly for the men of this world. That is simply science, based on empirical evidence, as God as our witness.

You’re a real hero, Danny. There aren’t many around these woke days, but from now on we mark 29th June as an annual tribute day to Danny, the sunburned man who screams in agony every time he breathes.

Agony Aunt: “My boyfriend’s vaping angers citizens…” 💨

Some human males vape heavily as they consider it to be good for them and/or something. But the reality is, a vaping boyfriend is a vapid boyfriend. A menace to society.

Today’s human female needs help controlling her boyfriend’s vacant vaping, with plumes of smoke surging around ready to asphyxiate those around him. PROFESSIONAL MORON TO THE RESCUE! 🦹‍♂️

When a Man Vapes So Much It Threatens City Air Pollution Targets

Dear agony aunt,

My boyfriend Claude is a great man, a French man, and his English is better than most tabloid readers. However, he was one habit that makes me want to repeatedly punch him in the face… VAPING.

He vapes day and night. It’s really annoying because he does it indoors or outdoors, huge plumes of smoke wafting around everywhere, which has angered some UK citizens because the stuff goes everywhere in a big whoosh like he’s a bloody magician doing a magic trick! Yeah, too, it really, really pisses some people off.

Last week we left the train station and he was vaping away, he took a big drag and exhaled and this plume of mints & menthols flavour swamped around this heavily tattooed, sunburned guy wearing an England football shirt. Well, turns out that guy DETESTS mints & menthols. It’s his LEAST FAVOURITE brand of “baccy” (his words for tobacco) and he was determined to punch Claude’s lights out because of the injustice of it all. He didn’t punch Claude’s lights out because Claude ran off in a panic and the big fella was one of those big guys who’s big in the sense he can’t move so fast, but is threatening all the same.

The problem is, this keeps happening. And some of the guys Claude pisses off are able to move at speed. It happened this weekend and Claude had his nose broken because, when running away from another bloke, he ran into a lamppost.

We went to hospital to get him fixed up. Now when he vapes his nose makes this high-pitched squeaking noise, so Claude is even more annoying and it’s really pissing me off!

What can I do!? It’s not going to be long until someone MURDERS him dead because of how annoying his smoke exhalation habits are. And I’m not joking, I might be the one who does him in! And that means this agony aunt column will be used against me in a court of law! And I don’t want to go to prison for life!

Yours,

Cindy

Hi there, Cindy! Gosh, like Cyndi Lauper?! Girls just DON’T want to have fun, eh!?

Well, anyway, there’s a very simple solution to this dilemma. Secretly swap his mint & menthols vape capsules for something a tad more disgusting. For example, one of these flavours:

• Wet dog
• Damp basement
• Tax audit paper mould stench
• Microwaved fish
• Man with BO on a hot summer day

Those putrid reeks don’t actually exist on the vaping market at the moment, so you’ll have to be ingenious and get the scents yourself. For example, for “man with BO on a hot summer day” you’ll need to scrape some of the BO off from one of his putrid armpits. Be warned, guys like that don’t react well to such things, so be prepared to kick him in the testicles and do a runner.

But once Claude has whiffed one of those bad boys, he’ll never go near a vape again (probably) and will take up a hobby such as hardcore drug addiction. That’s much more salubrious for all concerned. All the best, Lauper!

Agony Aunt: “My boyfriend’s vaping angers citizens…” 💨

Some human males vape heavily as they consider it to be good for them and/or something. But the reality is, a vaping boyfriend is a vapid boyfriend. A menace to society.

Today’s human female needs help controlling her boyfriend’s vacant vaping, with plumes of smoke surging around ready to asphyxiate those around him. PROFESSIONAL MORON TO THE RESCUE! 🦹‍♂️

When a Man Vapes So Much It Threatens City Air Pollution Targets

Dear agony aunt,

My boyfriend Claude is a great man, a French man, and his English is better than most tabloid readers. However, he was one habit that makes me want to repeatedly punch him in the face… VAPING.

He vapes day and night. It’s really annoying because he does it indoors or outdoors, huge plumes of smoke wafting around everywhere, which has angered some UK citizens because the stuff goes everywhere in a big whoosh like he’s a bloody magician doing a magic trick! Yeah, too, it really, really pisses some people off.

Last week we left the train station and he was vaping away, he took a big drag and exhaled and this plume of mints & menthols flavour swamped around this heavily tattooed, sunburned guy wearing an England football shirt. Well, turns out that guy DETESTS mints & menthols. It’s his LEAST FAVOURITE brand of “baccy” (his words for tobacco) and he was determined to punch Claude’s lights out because of the injustice of it all. He didn’t punch Claude’s lights out because Claude ran off in a panic and the big fella was one of those big guys who’s big in the sense he can’t move so fast, but is threatening all the same.

The problem is, this keeps happening. And some of the guys Claude pisses off are able to move at speed. It happened this weekend and Claude had his nose broken because, when running away from another bloke, he ran into a lamppost.

We went to hospital to get him fixed up. Now when he vapes his nose makes this high-pitched squeaking noise, so Claude is even more annoying and it’s really pissing me off!

What can I do!? It’s not going to be long until someone MURDERS him dead because of how annoying his smoke exhalation habits are. And I’m not joking, I might be the one who does him in! And that means this agony aunt column will be used against me in a court of law! And I don’t want to go to prison for life!

Yours,

Cindy

Hi there, Cindy! Gosh, like Cyndi Lauper?! Girls just DON’T want to have fun, eh!?

Well, anyway, there’s a very simple solution to this dilemma. Secretly swap his mint & menthols vape capsules for something a tad more disgusting. For example, one of these flavours:

• Wet dog
• Damp basement
• Tax audit paper mould stench
• Microwaved fish
• Man with BO on a hot summer day

Those putrid reeks don’t actually exist on the vaping market at the moment, so you’ll have to be ingenious and get the scents yourself. For example, for “man with BO on a hot summer day” you’ll need to scrape some of the BO off from one of his putrid armpits. Be warned, guys like that don’t react well to such things, so be prepared to kick him in the testicles and do a runner.

But once Claude has whiffed one of those bad boys, he’ll never go near a vape again (probably) and will take up a hobby such as hardcore drug addiction. That’s much more salubrious for all concerned. All the best, Lauper!

Agony Aunt: “Husband in his underwear in a heatwave…” ☀️🩲

Whenever there’s a heatwave in the UK, the British human male must ask himself this question: “Just how far am I willing to go to humiliate myself?”

Whether it’s parading around Tesco with his top off and in flipflops, or deciding a heatwave strategy is underpants only, the human females of the world can only watch on… and wonder.

When a Man and His Underpants Tackle a Heatwave

Dear agony aunt,

There’s the first heatwave of the year in England. My husband Terry (54) has decided his heatwave strategy for the year is to glisten himself up in suntan lotion, then parade around in only his underwear. He goes everything like that: to the shops, to work, to the cinema, to the restaurants etc. We’ve been banned from many places…

Terry doesn’t see the problem with his underpants strategy. Everyone else is repulsed by it.

Now, I love my husband of 20 years but this is a step too far. He’s a large man and watching him wobbling around in the sun, glistening, drenched in sweat, his underpants clinging on for dear life to protect his modesty, and it makes me think he’s unfit for society and should be sectioned. Or is that a step too far?

Anyway, I proposed the idea to him last night like this:

“Husband, you’re making a fool of yourself with this underpants in a heatwave dress sense. Look at you. You’re covered in blisters from sunburn and you have a grimace of agony on your blotched face. This is no good, I think you should have yourself committed. It’s for your own good.”

Well, he didn’t react very well to that. He huffed and puffed and all that huffing and puffing split some of his sunburn blisters and they turned into howls of agony. While he lay on the floor wailing, that’s when I took the chance and got the medical people out and try and get him sectioned. I explained to them he’s clinically insane as he was wandering around in underpants during a heatwave. Well… and get this… the male physicians got really offended about this because THEY WALK AROUND IN UNDERPANTS IN A HEATWAVE AS WELL.

It’s just something older men do, apparently…

They refused to have Terry sectioned. Instead, they gave him a glass of lemonade and an ice lolly and smeared Sudocrem all over him for the sunburn. They said he’ll be “right as rain” in a few days, I just have to keep feeding him ice lollies, chilled lemonade, and smearing Sudocrem all over him.

Needless to say, Terry isn’t talking to me now. He thinks I’m “evil” and “demon spawn”.

How do I save my marriage? Do I even want to save my marriage?

Yours,

Vera

Vera… you’ve committed a very grave mistake in challenging your husband on this matter. It is every man’s right to “parade” (as you so obnoxiously put it) around in his undies during a heatwave. What sort of deranged wife wouldn’t let a man breathe in such a way?

Your husband is right to not want to talk to you.

You can tell how angry we are as we had to use “to” some THREE times in that last sentence! Who do you think you are!? Honestly. We’re sitting here, taking our time to respond to you, during a heatwave, WHILST WEARING OUR FAVOURITE UNDERPANTS! What, exactly, is wrong with that?! Hmmm!?

You’re permanently banned from requesting agony aunt feedback for the rest of time. Good day, madam!

Agony Aunt: “Husband in his underwear in a heatwave…” ☀️🩲

Whenever there’s a heatwave in the UK, the British human male must ask himself this question: “Just how far am I willing to go to humiliate myself?”

Whether it’s parading around Tesco with his top off and in flipflops, or deciding a heatwave strategy is underpants only, the human females of the world can only watch on… and wonder.

When a Man and His Underpants Tackle a Heatwave

Dear agony aunt,

There’s the first heatwave of the year in England. My husband Terry (54) has decided his heatwave strategy for the year is to glisten himself up in suntan lotion, then parade around in only his underwear. He goes everything like that: to the shops, to work, to the cinema, to the restaurants etc. We’ve been banned from many places…

Terry doesn’t see the problem with his underpants strategy. Everyone else is repulsed by it.

Now, I love my husband of 20 years but this is a step too far. He’s a large man and watching him wobbling around in the sun, glistening, drenched in sweat, his underpants clinging on for dear life to protect his modesty, and it makes me think he’s unfit for society and should be sectioned. Or is that a step too far?

Anyway, I proposed the idea to him last night like this:

“Husband, you’re making a fool of yourself with this underpants in a heatwave dress sense. Look at you. You’re covered in blisters from sunburn and you have a grimace of agony on your blotched face. This is no good, I think you should have yourself committed. It’s for your own good.”

Well, he didn’t react very well to that. He huffed and puffed and all that huffing and puffing split some of his sunburn blisters and they turned into howls of agony. While he lay on the floor wailing, that’s when I took the chance and got the medical people out and try and get him sectioned. I explained to them he’s clinically insane as he was wandering around in underpants during a heatwave. Well… and get this… the male physicians got really offended about this because THEY WALK AROUND IN UNDERPANTS IN A HEATWAVE AS WELL.

It’s just something older men do, apparently…

They refused to have Terry sectioned. Instead, they gave him a glass of lemonade and an ice lolly and smeared Sudocrem all over him for the sunburn. They said he’ll be “right as rain” in a few days, I just have to keep feeding him ice lollies, chilled lemonade, and smearing Sudocrem all over him.

Needless to say, Terry isn’t talking to me now. He thinks I’m “evil” and “demon spawn”.

How do I save my marriage? Do I even want to save my marriage?

Yours,

Vera

Vera… you’ve committed a very grave mistake in challenging your husband on this matter. It is every man’s right to “parade” (as you so obnoxiously put it) around in his undies during a heatwave. What sort of deranged wife wouldn’t let a man breathe in such a way?

Your husband is right to not want to talk to you.

You can tell how angry we are as we had to use “to” some THREE times in that last sentence! Who do you think you are!? Honestly. We’re sitting here, taking our time to respond to you, during a heatwave, WHILST WEARING OUR FAVOURITE UNDERPANTS! What, exactly, is wrong with that?! Hmmm!?

You’re permanently banned from requesting agony aunt feedback for the rest of time. Good day, madam!

Agony Aunt: “Husband in his underwear in a heatwave…” ☀️🩲

Whenever there’s a heatwave in the UK, the British human male must ask himself this question: “Just how far am I willing to go to humiliate myself?”

Whether it’s parading around Tesco with his top off and in flipflops, or deciding a heatwave strategy is underpants only, the human females of the world can only watch on… and wonder.

When a Man and His Underpants Tackle a Heatwave

Dear agony aunt,

There’s the first heatwave of the year in England. My husband Terry (54) has decided his heatwave strategy for the year is to glisten himself up in suntan lotion, then parade around in only his underwear. He goes everything like that: to the shops, to work, to the cinema, to the restaurants etc. We’ve been banned from many places…

Terry doesn’t see the problem with his underpants strategy. Everyone else is repulsed by it.

Now, I love my husband of 20 years but this is a step too far. He’s a large man and watching him wobbling around in the sun, glistening, drenched in sweat, his underpants clinging on for dear life to protect his modesty, and it makes me think he’s unfit for society and should be sectioned. Or is that a step too far?

Anyway, I proposed the idea to him last night like this:

“Husband, you’re making a fool of yourself with this underpants in a heatwave dress sense. Look at you. You’re covered in blisters from sunburn and you have a grimace of agony on your blotched face. This is no good, I think you should have yourself committed. It’s for your own good.”

Well, he didn’t react very well to that. He huffed and puffed and all that huffing and puffing split some of his sunburn blisters and they turned into howls of agony. While he lay on the floor wailing, that’s when I took the chance and got the medical people out and try and get him sectioned. I explained to them he’s clinically insane as he was wandering around in underpants during a heatwave. Well… and get this… the male physicians got really offended about this because THEY WALK AROUND IN UNDERPANTS IN A HEATWAVE AS WELL.

It’s just something older men do, apparently…

They refused to have Terry sectioned. Instead, they gave him a glass of lemonade and an ice lolly and smeared Sudocrem all over him for the sunburn. They said he’ll be “right as rain” in a few days, I just have to keep feeding him ice lollies, chilled lemonade, and smearing Sudocrem all over him.

Needless to say, Terry isn’t talking to me now. He thinks I’m “evil” and “demon spawn”.

How do I save my marriage? Do I even want to save my marriage?

Yours,

Vera

Vera… you’ve committed a very grave mistake in challenging your husband on this matter. It is every man’s right to “parade” (as you so obnoxiously put it) around in his undies during a heatwave. What sort of deranged wife wouldn’t let a man breathe in such a way?

Your husband is right to not want to talk to you.

You can tell how angry we are as we had to use “to” some THREE times in that last sentence! Who do you think you are!? Honestly. We’re sitting here, taking our time to respond to you, during a heatwave, WHILST WEARING OUR FAVOURITE UNDERPANTS! What, exactly, is wrong with that?! Hmmm!?

You’re permanently banned from requesting agony aunt feedback for the rest of time. Good day, madam!

Agony Aunt: “Husband in his underwear in a heatwave…” ☀️🩲

Whenever there’s a heatwave in the UK, the British human male must ask himself this question: “Just how far am I willing to go to humiliate myself?”

Whether it’s parading around Tesco with his top off and in flipflops, or deciding a heatwave strategy is underpants only, the human females of the world can only watch on… and wonder.

When a Man and His Underpants Tackle a Heatwave

Dear agony aunt,

There’s the first heatwave of the year in England. My husband Terry (54) has decided his heatwave strategy for the year is to glisten himself up in suntan lotion, then parade around in only his underwear. He goes everything like that: to the shops, to work, to the cinema, to the restaurants etc. We’ve been banned from many places…

Terry doesn’t see the problem with his underpants strategy. Everyone else is repulsed by it.

Now, I love my husband of 20 years but this is a step too far. He’s a large man and watching him wobbling around in the sun, glistening, drenched in sweat, his underpants clinging on for dear life to protect his modesty, and it makes me think he’s unfit for society and should be sectioned. Or is that a step too far?

Anyway, I proposed the idea to him last night like this:

“Husband, you’re making a fool of yourself with this underpants in a heatwave dress sense. Look at you. You’re covered in blisters from sunburn and you have a grimace of agony on your blotched face. This is no good, I think you should have yourself committed. It’s for your own good.”

Well, he didn’t react very well to that. He huffed and puffed and all that huffing and puffing split some of his sunburn blisters and they turned into howls of agony. While he lay on the floor wailing, that’s when I took the chance and got the medical people out and try and get him sectioned. I explained to them he’s clinically insane as he was wandering around in underpants during a heatwave. Well… and get this… the male physicians got really offended about this because THEY WALK AROUND IN UNDERPANTS IN A HEATWAVE AS WELL.

It’s just something older men do, apparently…

They refused to have Terry sectioned. Instead, they gave him a glass of lemonade and an ice lolly and smeared Sudocrem all over him for the sunburn. They said he’ll be “right as rain” in a few days, I just have to keep feeding him ice lollies, chilled lemonade, and smearing Sudocrem all over him.

Needless to say, Terry isn’t talking to me now. He thinks I’m “evil” and “demon spawn”.

How do I save my marriage? Do I even want to save my marriage?

Yours,

Vera

Vera… you’ve committed a very grave mistake in challenging your husband on this matter. It is every man’s right to “parade” (as you so obnoxiously put it) around in his undies during a heatwave. What sort of deranged wife wouldn’t let a man breathe in such a way?

Your husband is right to not want to talk to you.

You can tell how angry we are as we had to use “to” some THREE times in that last sentence! Who do you think you are!? Honestly. We’re sitting here, taking our time to respond to you, during a heatwave, WHILST WEARING OUR FAVOURITE UNDERPANTS! What, exactly, is wrong with that?! Hmmm!?

You’re permanently banned from requesting agony aunt feedback for the rest of time. Good day, madam!

Agony Aunt: “Husband in his underwear in a heatwave…” ☀️🩲

Whenever there’s a heatwave in the UK, the British human male must ask himself this question: “Just how far am I willing to go to humiliate myself?”

Whether it’s parading around Tesco with his top off and in flipflops, or deciding a heatwave strategy is underpants only, the human females of the world can only watch on… and wonder.

When a Man and His Underpants Tackle a Heatwave

Dear agony aunt,

There’s the first heatwave of the year in England. My husband Terry (54) has decided his heatwave strategy for the year is to glisten himself up in suntan lotion, then parade around in only his underwear. He goes everything like that: to the shops, to work, to the cinema, to the restaurants etc. We’ve been banned from many places…

Terry doesn’t see the problem with his underpants strategy. Everyone else is repulsed by it.

Now, I love my husband of 20 years but this is a step too far. He’s a large man and watching him wobbling around in the sun, glistening, drenched in sweat, his underpants clinging on for dear life to protect his modesty, and it makes me think he’s unfit for society and should be sectioned. Or is that a step too far?

Anyway, I proposed the idea to him last night like this:

“Husband, you’re making a fool of yourself with this underpants in a heatwave dress sense. Look at you. You’re covered in blisters from sunburn and you have a grimace of agony on your blotched face. This is no good, I think you should have yourself committed. It’s for your own good.”

Well, he didn’t react very well to that. He huffed and puffed and all that huffing and puffing split some of his sunburn blisters and they turned into howls of agony. While he lay on the floor wailing, that’s when I took the chance and got the medical people out and try and get him sectioned. I explained to them he’s clinically insane as he was wandering around in underpants during a heatwave. Well… and get this… the male physicians got really offended about this because THEY WALK AROUND IN UNDERPANTS IN A HEATWAVE AS WELL.

It’s just something older men do, apparently…

They refused to have Terry sectioned. Instead, they gave him a glass of lemonade and an ice lolly and smeared Sudocrem all over him for the sunburn. They said he’ll be “right as rain” in a few days, I just have to keep feeding him ice lollies, chilled lemonade, and smearing Sudocrem all over him.

Needless to say, Terry isn’t talking to me now. He thinks I’m “evil” and “demon spawn”.

How do I save my marriage? Do I even want to save my marriage?

Yours,

Vera

Vera… you’ve committed a very grave mistake in challenging your husband on this matter. It is every man’s right to “parade” (as you so obnoxiously put it) around in his undies during a heatwave. What sort of deranged wife wouldn’t let a man breathe in such a way?

Your husband is right to not want to talk to you.

You can tell how angry we are as we had to use “to” some THREE times in that last sentence! Who do you think you are!? Honestly. We’re sitting here, taking our time to respond to you, during a heatwave, WHILST WEARING OUR FAVOURITE UNDERPANTS! What, exactly, is wrong with that?! Hmmm!?

You’re permanently banned from requesting agony aunt feedback for the rest of time. Good day, madam!

Agony Aunt: “Boyfriend listens to TECHNO music for sleep!” 📻

When one is about to go to sleep, one may choose to listen to relaxing noises such as whale song, rainfall, birds chirping, working class geezers belching, and TECHNO, TECHNO, TECHNO.

As there’s no limit. There’s no limit, we’ll reach for the sky, no valley too deep, no mountain too high. No, no limits etc. Unless of course you’re like today’s human female, who can’t fall asleep due to her human male husband’s noise related sleeping process.

Techno Music as a Sleep Assistant

Dear agony aunt,

I have not slept properly since November 2025. My husband… sorry, boyfriend, we’re not married… my boyfriend got a ghetto blaster for his birthday from his mates. Him and his mates have got into this trend called Techno Sleeping where they go to bed and fall asleep to the pelting sounds of techno music blasting at full volume. My boyfriend has dedicated his bedtime routine to this for six months now. Here’s the problem:

• He does not get any sleep
• I do not get any sleep
• Our neighbours do not get any sleep
• The local council has just issued us with a £5,000 fine for repeated noise disturbances

My boyfriend? He’s so dedicated to this Techno Sleeping thing and blasting out 2 Unlimited’s 1993 techno hit No Limit. He’s worried his mates think he’s “not cool” if he stops. So it’s No Limit on repeat all night from 10pm until 7am and I’m genuinely amazed I haven’t smashed his brains in with a sledgehammer or something.

And I even bought a sledgehammer for that exact purpose! I just also realised it’s murder and all that, so stopped myself. But one more night of this… ONE MORE NIGHT OF NO NO, NO NO NO NO, NO NO THERE’S NO LIMIT. There is a limit FFS and I’m one step away from it!

The submission abruptly ended there, but the women contacted us again this morning with the below update.

Well I went and did it. I got the sledgehammer. In a rage. In a sleep deprivation rage! While I was screaming like that bit in The Exorcist when her head twists around. Then I did it! I went and SMASHED his goddamn ghetto blaster! I smashed the fucker to smithereens in a rage, dragged the debris outside into the street, and BURNED the debris into the ground!!!!!!!

My boyfriend has since entered a state of shock and is now in what’s called a “fugue” dissociative state. His hair has turned white and he then entered a coma. Doctors at the hospital told me it’s acute, horrific trauma caused by me destroying his ghetto blaster in a rage.

If he cops it, they’ve told me I’ll get a manslaughter charge.

Struggling with insomnia, I remembered that bit from the Naked Gun reboot with Liam Neeson and said, “Man’s laughter?! Must have been quite the joke!” The police officers did not appreciate that joke. They all gave me stony stares and my flat is now under 24/7 surveillance to ensure I don’t destroy any other ghetto blasters.

Advice?

Thanks, Abbie

Hi there, Abbie! Well, that’s quite the pickle you’re in there. We can’t say we’ve had to deal with any specific situations like this before, you’re a true one off.

However, our learned agony aunt genius (we’re winners of Worst Agony of the Year Award in 2016, 2017, 2019, 2022, 2023, and a projected win for 2029) tells us the obvious answer. And it is this…

Don’t destroy anymore ghetto blasters.

That should do the trick, love! Unless you get his with a manslaughter charge. Maybe then you could try that Naked Gun joke on a judge and hope he has a better sense of humour than those coppers. 👍

Agony Aunt: “Boyfriend listens to TECHNO music for sleep!” 📻

When one is about to go to sleep, one may choose to listen to relaxing noises such as whale song, rainfall, birds chirping, working class geezers belching, and TECHNO, TECHNO, TECHNO.

As there’s no limit. There’s no limit, we’ll reach for the sky, no valley too deep, no mountain too high. No, no limits etc. Unless of course you’re like today’s human female, who can’t fall asleep due to her human male husband’s noise related sleeping process.

Techno Music as a Sleep Assistant

Dear agony aunt,

I have not slept properly since November 2025. My husband… sorry, boyfriend, we’re not married… my boyfriend got a ghetto blaster for his birthday from his mates. Him and his mates have got into this trend called Techno Sleeping where they go to bed and fall asleep to the pelting sounds of techno music blasting at full volume. My boyfriend has dedicated his bedtime routine to this for six months now. Here’s the problem:

• He does not get any sleep
• I do not get any sleep
• Our neighbours do not get any sleep
• The local council has just issued us with a £5,000 fine for repeated noise disturbances

My boyfriend? He’s so dedicated to this Techno Sleeping thing and blasting out 2 Unlimited’s 1993 techno hit No Limit. He’s worried his mates think he’s “not cool” if he stops. So it’s No Limit on repeat all night from 10pm until 7am and I’m genuinely amazed I haven’t smashed his brains in with a sledgehammer or something.

And I even bought a sledgehammer for that exact purpose! I just also realised it’s murder and all that, so stopped myself. But one more night of this… ONE MORE NIGHT OF NO NO, NO NO NO NO, NO NO THERE’S NO LIMIT. There is a limit FFS and I’m one step away from it!

The submission abruptly ended there, but the women contacted us again this morning with the below update.

Well I went and did it. I got the sledgehammer. In a rage. In a sleep deprivation rage! While I was screaming like that bit in The Exorcist when her head twists around. Then I did it! I went and SMASHED his goddamn ghetto blaster! I smashed the fucker to smithereens in a rage, dragged the debris outside into the street, and BURNED the debris into the ground!!!!!!!

My boyfriend has since entered a state of shock and is now in what’s called a “fugue” dissociative state. His hair has turned white and he then entered a coma. Doctors at the hospital told me it’s acute, horrific trauma caused by me destroying his ghetto blaster in a rage.

If he cops it, they’ve told me I’ll get a manslaughter charge.

Struggling with insomnia, I remembered that bit from the Naked Gun reboot with Liam Neeson and said, “Man’s laughter?! Must have been quite the joke!” The police officers did not appreciate that joke. They all gave me stony stares and my flat is now under 24/7 surveillance to ensure I don’t destroy any other ghetto blasters.

Advice?

Thanks, Abbie

Hi there, Abbie! Well, that’s quite the pickle you’re in there. We can’t say we’ve had to deal with any specific situations like this before, you’re a true one off.

However, our learned agony aunt genius (we’re winners of Worst Agony of the Year Award in 2016, 2017, 2019, 2022, 2023, and a projected win for 2029) tells us the obvious answer. And it is this…

Don’t destroy anymore ghetto blasters.

That should do the trick, love! Unless you get his with a manslaughter charge. Maybe then you could try that Naked Gun joke on a judge and hope he has a better sense of humour than those coppers. 👍

Agony Aunt: “Are keyboard touch typing skills ATTRACTIVE!?” ⌨️

Some human males delude themselves into believing certain actions are attractive. Today’s human male has decided his brilliance on a keyboard should be enough to impress even the most attractive dame.

Amy Adams? Sandra Hüller? Sandra Bullock? Other women called Sandra? All should be dropping before his most attractive typing might. Is this so? Let us explore the typing topic.

Touch Typing is the Secret to Great Romance?

Agony aunt,

I am in agony. I’ve just spend the last 72 hours touch typing my way to the annual Touch Typing Championship 2026. It was the most competitive year I’ve ever taken part in, but I fended off a young upstarter whom tried to STEAL my crown by thrashing him with a touch typing speed of 230 WPM (words per minute) compared to his PATHETIC 215 WPM. What a pathetic boy, he should leave competitions like this to MEN like me.

However, once the event ended and I was crowned the deserving champion I turned and looked around me, rightfully expecting very hot women to begin hurling themselves at me for a date and/or marriage.

But… nothing.

There was one chick there who glanced at me and I glared at her expectantly, but she just wandered off and got a hotdog from a hotdog stand. Try to comprehend that. SHE WANTED TO EAT A HOTDOG INSTEAD OF DATING A TOUCH TYPING CHAMPION. What is the world coming to? That is feminism. This is the wokeness and it’s ruining society.

I can’t possible be wrong. What could possibly be unattractive about someone being able to have this God-given skill that others can only dream of? It shows:

• Tenacity
• Intellectual genius
• Versatility
• Emotional intelligence
• Wit
• Charm
• An enjoyment of keyboards
• Dedication

How can women look me in the eye (me, admittedly not the best looking guy ever, but a touch typing genius) and think this isn’t worthy of their time?

On my Tinder dating profile I lead with it: DEREK, 33, TOUCH TYPING GENIUS

I then list out my many championship victories and link to an article that was written about me, in which I make confident (not arrogant, confident) claims about how superior I am to everyone else. And yet in the last three months I’ve swiped on over 10,000 women and only three have swiped back. One ended up being a guy pretending to be a woman, the other two were scammers thinking I’ve made a tonne of money from my victories. I haven’t. I’ve actually lost money because it’s £100 to enter the competitions. That and the keyboard investments and I’m down about £500 over the last decade due to all of this.

AND NO HOT WOMEN.

Please. Advice needed. Is it my keyboard?! It’s all black, do I need a more feminine one or something to show off my sensitive side?

Yours,

Derek

Hi there, Derek! To help you out, we went out onto the streets of Manchester city centre and randomly began demanding answers from women we encountered: “WHY WON’T YOU DATE, DEREK!?” We roared, “HE’S A TOUCH TYPING WORLD CHAMPION!”

It turns out (from the ones who didn’t run away, at least) they’re more interested in personality traits such as kindness, humour, compassion, intelligence, and an interest in the arts.

None of them were impressed or interested in the typing thing. One of them said it was “weird”*. Sorry about that! Maybe take up a new hobby.

*We have subsequently learned Derek had a stroke after reading that someone found the touch typing thing “weird”. Although he’s since recovered from that, he’s quit his day job and entered a deep, dark depression of marathon touch typing sessions. Derek… for GOD’S SAKE, man. This is not the answer. Take up golf, or something.

Agony Aunt: “Are keyboard touch typing skills ATTRACTIVE!?” ⌨️

Some human males delude themselves into believing certain actions are attractive. Today’s human male has decided his brilliance on a keyboard should be enough to impress even the most attractive dame.

Amy Adams? Sandra Hüller? Sandra Bullock? Other women called Sandra? All should be dropping before his most attractive typing might. Is this so? Let us explore the typing topic.

Touch Typing is the Secret to Great Romance?

Agony aunt,

I am in agony. I’ve just spend the last 72 hours touch typing my way to the annual Touch Typing Championship 2026. It was the most competitive year I’ve ever taken part in, but I fended off a young upstarter whom tried to STEAL my crown by thrashing him with a touch typing speed of 230 WPM (words per minute) compared to his PATHETIC 215 WPM. What a pathetic boy, he should leave competitions like this to MEN like me.

However, once the event ended and I was crowned the deserving champion I turned and looked around me, rightfully expecting very hot women to begin hurling themselves at me for a date and/or marriage.

But… nothing.

There was one chick there who glanced at me and I glared at her expectantly, but she just wandered off and got a hotdog from a hotdog stand. Try to comprehend that. SHE WANTED TO EAT A HOTDOG INSTEAD OF DATING A TOUCH TYPING CHAMPION. What is the world coming to? That is feminism. This is the wokeness and it’s ruining society.

I can’t possible be wrong. What could possibly be unattractive about someone being able to have this God-given skill that others can only dream of? It shows:

• Tenacity
• Intellectual genius
• Versatility
• Emotional intelligence
• Wit
• Charm
• An enjoyment of keyboards
• Dedication

How can women look me in the eye (me, admittedly not the best looking guy ever, but a touch typing genius) and think this isn’t worthy of their time?

On my Tinder dating profile I lead with it: DEREK, 33, TOUCH TYPING GENIUS

I then list out my many championship victories and link to an article that was written about me, in which I make confident (not arrogant, confident) claims about how superior I am to everyone else. And yet in the last three months I’ve swiped on over 10,000 women and only three have swiped back. One ended up being a guy pretending to be a woman, the other two were scammers thinking I’ve made a tonne of money from my victories. I haven’t. I’ve actually lost money because it’s £100 to enter the competitions. That and the keyboard investments and I’m down about £500 over the last decade due to all of this.

AND NO HOT WOMEN.

Please. Advice needed. Is it my keyboard?! It’s all black, do I need a more feminine one or something to show off my sensitive side?

Yours,

Derek

Hi there, Derek! To help you out, we went out onto the streets of Manchester city centre and randomly began demanding answers from women we encountered: “WHY WON’T YOU DATE, DEREK!?” We roared, “HE’S A TOUCH TYPING WORLD CHAMPION!”

It turns out (from the ones who didn’t run away, at least) they’re more interested in personality traits such as kindness, humour, compassion, intelligence, and an interest in the arts.

None of them were impressed or interested in the typing thing. One of them said it was “weird”*. Sorry about that! Maybe take up a new hobby.

*We have subsequently learned Derek had a stroke after reading that someone found the touch typing thing “weird”. Although he’s since recovered from that, he’s quit his day job and entered a deep, dark depression of marathon touch typing sessions. Derek… for GOD’S SAKE, man. This is not the answer. Take up golf, or something.

Agony Aunt: “Are keyboard touch typing skills ATTRACTIVE!?” ⌨️

Some human males delude themselves into believing certain actions are attractive. Today’s human male has decided his brilliance on a keyboard should be enough to impress even the most attractive dame.

Amy Adams? Sandra Hüller? Sandra Bullock? Other women called Sandra? All should be dropping before his most attractive typing might. Is this so? Let us explore the typing topic.

Touch Typing is the Secret to Great Romance?

Agony aunt,

I am in agony. I’ve just spend the last 72 hours touch typing my way to the annual Touch Typing Championship 2026. It was the most competitive year I’ve ever taken part in, but I fended off a young upstarter whom tried to STEAL my crown by thrashing him with a touch typing speed of 230 WPM (words per minute) compared to his PATHETIC 215 WPM. What a pathetic boy, he should leave competitions like this to MEN like me.

However, once the event ended and I was crowned the deserving champion I turned and looked around me, rightfully expecting very hot women to begin hurling themselves at me for a date and/or marriage.

But… nothing.

There was one chick there who glanced at me and I glared at her expectantly, but she just wandered off and got a hotdog from a hotdog stand. Try to comprehend that. SHE WANTED TO EAT A HOTDOG INSTEAD OF DATING A TOUCH TYPING CHAMPION. What is the world coming to? That is feminism. This is the wokeness and it’s ruining society.

I can’t possible be wrong. What could possibly be unattractive about someone being able to have this God-given skill that others can only dream of? It shows:

• Tenacity
• Intellectual genius
• Versatility
• Emotional intelligence
• Wit
• Charm
• An enjoyment of keyboards
• Dedication

How can women look me in the eye (me, admittedly not the best looking guy ever, but a touch typing genius) and think this isn’t worthy of their time?

On my Tinder dating profile I lead with it: DEREK, 33, TOUCH TYPING GENIUS

I then list out my many championship victories and link to an article that was written about me, in which I make confident (not arrogant, confident) claims about how superior I am to everyone else. And yet in the last three months I’ve swiped on over 10,000 women and only three have swiped back. One ended up being a guy pretending to be a woman, the other two were scammers thinking I’ve made a tonne of money from my victories. I haven’t. I’ve actually lost money because it’s £100 to enter the competitions. That and the keyboard investments and I’m down about £500 over the last decade due to all of this.

AND NO HOT WOMEN.

Please. Advice needed. Is it my keyboard?! It’s all black, do I need a more feminine one or something to show off my sensitive side?

Yours,

Derek

Hi there, Derek! To help you out, we went out onto the streets of Manchester city centre and randomly began demanding answers from women we encountered: “WHY WON’T YOU DATE, DEREK!?” We roared, “HE’S A TOUCH TYPING WORLD CHAMPION!”

It turns out (from the ones who didn’t run away, at least) they’re more interested in personality traits such as kindness, humour, compassion, intelligence, and an interest in the arts.

None of them were impressed or interested in the typing thing. One of them said it was “weird”*. Sorry about that! Maybe take up a new hobby.

*We have subsequently learned Derek had a stroke after reading that someone found the touch typing thing “weird”. Although he’s since recovered from that, he’s quit his day job and entered a deep, dark depression of marathon touch typing sessions. Derek… for GOD’S SAKE, man. This is not the answer. Take up golf, or something.

Agony Aunt: “Are keyboard touch typing skills ATTRACTIVE!?” ⌨️

Some human males delude themselves into believing certain actions are attractive. Today’s human male has decided his brilliance on a keyboard should be enough to impress even the most attractive dame.

Amy Adams? Sandra Hüller? Sandra Bullock? Other women called Sandra? All should be dropping before his most attractive typing might. Is this so? Let us explore the typing topic.

Touch Typing is the Secret to Great Romance?

Agony aunt,

I am in agony. I’ve just spend the last 72 hours touch typing my way to the annual Touch Typing Championship 2026. It was the most competitive year I’ve ever taken part in, but I fended off a young upstarter whom tried to STEAL my crown by thrashing him with a touch typing speed of 230 WPM (words per minute) compared to his PATHETIC 215 WPM. What a pathetic boy, he should leave competitions like this to MEN like me.

However, once the event ended and I was crowned the deserving champion I turned and looked around me, rightfully expecting very hot women to begin hurling themselves at me for a date and/or marriage.

But… nothing.

There was one chick there who glanced at me and I glared at her expectantly, but she just wandered off and got a hotdog from a hotdog stand. Try to comprehend that. SHE WANTED TO EAT A HOTDOG INSTEAD OF DATING A TOUCH TYPING CHAMPION. What is the world coming to? That is feminism. This is the wokeness and it’s ruining society.

I can’t possible be wrong. What could possibly be unattractive about someone being able to have this God-given skill that others can only dream of? It shows:

• Tenacity
• Intellectual genius
• Versatility
• Emotional intelligence
• Wit
• Charm
• An enjoyment of keyboards
• Dedication

How can women look me in the eye (me, admittedly not the best looking guy ever, but a touch typing genius) and think this isn’t worthy of their time?

On my Tinder dating profile I lead with it: DEREK, 33, TOUCH TYPING GENIUS

I then list out my many championship victories and link to an article that was written about me, in which I make confident (not arrogant, confident) claims about how superior I am to everyone else. And yet in the last three months I’ve swiped on over 10,000 women and only three have swiped back. One ended up being a guy pretending to be a woman, the other two were scammers thinking I’ve made a tonne of money from my victories. I haven’t. I’ve actually lost money because it’s £100 to enter the competitions. That and the keyboard investments and I’m down about £500 over the last decade due to all of this.

AND NO HOT WOMEN.

Please. Advice needed. Is it my keyboard?! It’s all black, do I need a more feminine one or something to show off my sensitive side?

Yours,

Derek

Hi there, Derek! To help you out, we went out onto the streets of Manchester city centre and randomly began demanding answers from women we encountered: “WHY WON’T YOU DATE, DEREK!?” We roared, “HE’S A TOUCH TYPING WORLD CHAMPION!”

It turns out (from the ones who didn’t run away, at least) they’re more interested in personality traits such as kindness, humour, compassion, intelligence, and an interest in the arts.

None of them were impressed or interested in the typing thing. One of them said it was “weird”*. Sorry about that! Maybe take up a new hobby.

*We have subsequently learned Derek had a stroke after reading that someone found the touch typing thing “weird”. Although he’s since recovered from that, he’s quit his day job and entered a deep, dark depression of marathon touch typing sessions. Derek… for GOD’S SAKE, man. This is not the answer. Take up golf, or something.

Agony Aunt: “Husband REFUSES to use umbrella in the rain!” ☔

Some human males get it into their brains that using an umbrella isn’t manly. That wandering around in rural/urban environments getting soaking wet is a sign of masculinity. That using an umbrella emasculates the human male and makes them a WUSS.

They’re 100% correct, OF COURSE, and we’re here today to put a human female in her place. Umbrellas have no place in civilizes society! They’re communist, woke, and they make us nauseous just thinking about them.

How Umbrellas Emasculate Husbands (and other men)

Dear agony,

My husband, Jeff, is a grown adult of 39 and he REFUSES to use an umbrella. We’ve been married a year and I got him an umbrella last month because he kept wandering around outside in the rain. I was wondering why he was doing this, but he revealed it’s so he looks “manly”.

He thinks walking about outside when it rains, getting sopping wet, makes him an alpha male…

So I got him an umbrella. The moment he saw the umbrella he turned very pale, then bright red, then pale again. Trembling, he pointed a finger at me and wailed, “TAKE THAT FUCKING THING OUT OF THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!” And he punched a fist against a wall. I was shocked and didn’t react. “WELL!?!” He roared. I was flabbergasted and couldn’t respond. He stormed out in a huff, slammed the door, and went to the pub. He hung out in the pub until it started raining, then came home and started pacing back and forth outside our house in the rain. This was to make a point that he’s a real man.

He refused to come into the house until the umbrella was “destroyed”.

I told him that there are several umbrellas in the house, all mine apart from the one I bought him so he wouldn’t get wet in the rain like a jackass. To prove his manliness, he then ripped his top off and stood there in the rain beating his chest like some stupid ape. I left him to it.

Later that night, when he was in hospital having developed hypothermia and hooked up to a drip and him looking ashen and exhausted, he croaked to me whether the umbrellas were all “destroyed”. I told him “no” and he was once again outraged. He insisted I bring them into the hospital and “burn them to the ground” before his very eyes. Otherwise he’d divorce me.

Blackmail? Kind of, wasn’t it? Anyway, I had no choice… I AM NOT GETTING A DIVORCE. Thus, I brought the umbrellas into hospital, poured petrol over them, and ignited them there in the ward. My husband was pleased, but the hospital staff (nurses, doctors, brain surgeons etc.) were not best pleased. In fact, I was arrested. Did I do a bad or something?

And I still think my husband should use an umbrella! It’s childish seeing him drenched in the rain when he could just put a brolly up! What’s crazy about that!? But I need to broach the subject carefully, otherwise I’ll be single.

Yours,

Angela

Hi there, Angela. We must say, your blatant bullying of your husband has been quite enraging to read. It is tacit internal law: NO MAN SHOULD USE AN UMBRELLA. It makes him look like a gay wimp. And there’s nothing worse for man babies than projecting their own insecurities onto everyone else around them like that.

As such, once out on parole, you should go forth into the street, find your nearest umbrella shop, and detonate it. This’ll not only save your marriage, it’ll ensure the men in your community are safe and sound from the hellish, terrifying threat of… using an umbrella in the rain.

University of Birmingham Housing Horror Stories

Enter if you dare… It’s me, Red… or is it? Welcome to my very creepy library. Did you…
#Birmingham #UnitedKingdom #UK #GB #England #Headlines #News #Europe #EU #agonyaunt #Britain #GreatBritain #Housing #housingdrama #SellyOak #student #UniversityofBirmingham
https://www.europesays.com/uk/878460/

https://www.europesays.com/uk/878460/ University of Birmingham Housing Horror Stories #agonyaunt #Birmingham #Britain #England #GreatBritain #Housing #HousingDrama #SellyOak #student #UK #UnitedKingdom #UniversityOfBirmingham

I love to be an Agony Aunt to my followers. An “agony aunt” gives advice to people about personal problems — usually through chats. So feel free to share and get the load off your chest. 📚 Fun fact: The term originated in the UK, and early agony aunts often wrote under pen names #agonyaunt

Dear Mastodon, on a chat group about an upcoming Burns Night party a friend has quoted the “Hard times creates hard men,” who [apparently magically] create good times and soft men… you can guess the rest of this false meme. There are two, middle aged, low-educated, childless, single men, in this friendship group who increasingly believe these right wing tropes. What should I do? #advice #AgonyAunt #dearMastodon #dearFediverse

Dear Mastodon, on a chat group about an upcoming Burns Night party a friend has quoted the “Hard times creates hard men,” who [apparently magically] create good times and soft men… you can guess the rest of this false meme. There are two, middle aged, low-educated, childless, single men, in this friendship group who increasingly believe these right wing tropes. What should I do? #advice #AgonyAunt #dearMastodon #dearFediverse

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1958575046

My first time streaming on Twitch where I played Kind Words, which is about helping people instead of slaying them. Curious ? Please 🙏🏻 watch. Though I felt a bit like an online agony aunt, I would like to continue streaming!
#helping #agonyaunt #gaming #streaming #twitch #gamification #socialwork

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1958575046

My first time streaming on Twitch where I played Kind Words, which is about helping people instead of slaying them. Curious ? Please 🙏🏻 watch. Though I felt a bit like an online agony aunt, I would like to continue streaming!
#helping #agonyaunt #gaming #streaming #twitch #gamification #socialwork

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1958575046

My first time streaming on Twitch where I played Kind Words, which is about helping people instead of slaying them. Curious ? Please 🙏🏻 watch. Though I felt a bit like an online agony aunt, I would like to continue streaming!
#helping #agonyaunt #gaming #streaming #twitch #gamification #socialwork

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1958575046

My first time streaming on Twitch where I played Kind Words, which is about helping people instead of slaying them. Curious ? Please 🙏🏻 watch. Though I felt a bit like an online agony aunt, I would like to continue streaming!
#helping #agonyaunt #gaming #streaming #twitch #gamification #socialwork

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1958575046

My first time streaming on Twitch where I played Kind Words, which is about helping people instead of slaying them. Curious ? Please 🙏🏻 watch. Though I felt a bit like an online agony aunt, I would like to continue streaming!
#helping #agonyaunt #gaming #streaming #twitch #gamification #socialwork

I think we need an agony aunt column for readers.

I was talking to a friend about Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale when I realised I couldn't recall fairly large chunks of it - so here's my question to any future literary agony aunt:

'Should I reread Atwood's book - and could I even stand doing so, while so many politicians (& media & voters) seem to see the book not as a work of dystopian fiction but a travel guide?'

#MargaretAtwood
#Handmaid
#AgonyAunt
#DystopianFiction
#Bookstodon

I think we need an agony aunt column for readers.

I was talking to a friend about Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale when I realised I couldn't recall fairly large chunks of it - so here's my question to any future literary agony aunt:

'Should I reread Atwood's book - and could I even stand doing so, while so many politicians (& media & voters) seem to see the book not as a work of dystopian fiction but a travel guide?'

#MargaretAtwood
#Handmaid
#AgonyAunt
#DystopianFiction
#Bookstodon

I think we need an agony aunt column for readers.

I was talking to a friend about Margaret Atwood's A Handmaid's Tale when I realised I couldn't recall fairly large chunks of it - so here's my question to any future literary agony aunt:

'Should I reread Atwood's book - and could I even stand doing so, while so many politicians (& media & voters) seem to see the book not as a work of dystopian fiction but a travel guide?'

#MargaretAtwood
#Handmaid
#AgonyAunt
#DystopianFiction
#Bookstodon

I think we need an agony aunt column for readers.

I was talking to a friend about Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale when I realised I couldn't recall fairly large chunks of it - so here's my question to any future literary agony aunt:

'Should I reread Atwood's book - and could I even stand doing so, while so many politicians (& media & voters) seem to see the book not as a work of dystopian fiction but a travel guide?'

#MargaretAtwood
#Handmaid
#AgonyAunt
#DystopianFiction
#Bookstodon

I think we need an agony aunt column for readers.

I was talking to a friend about Margaret Atwood's A Handmaid's Tale when I realised I couldn't recall fairly large chunks of it - so here's my question to any future literary agony aunt:

'Should I reread Atwood's book - and could I even stand doing so, while so many politicians (& media & voters) seem to see the book not as a work of dystopian fiction but a travel guide?'

#MargaretAtwood
#Handmaid
#AgonyAunt
#DystopianFiction
#Bookstodon

In our latest episode our #conservation agony aunt gives us some advice around pitching for more time for collections care to higher-ups and how to speak their lingo when you need to:
https://thecword.show/2023/04/05/s13e02-accreditation-part-1/

#DearJane #TheCWordPodcast #AgonyAunt #podcasts #CollectionsCare #conservators #museums

In our latest episode our #conservation agony aunt gives us some advice around pitching for more time for collections care to higher-ups and how to speak their lingo when you need to:
https://thecword.show/2023/04/05/s13e02-accreditation-part-1/

#DearJane #TheCWordPodcast #AgonyAunt #podcasts #CollectionsCare #conservators #museums

In our latest episode our #conservation agony aunt gives us some advice around pitching for more time for collections care to higher-ups and how to speak their lingo when you need to:
https://thecword.show/2023/04/05/s13e02-accreditation-part-1/

#DearJane #TheCWordPodcast #AgonyAunt #podcasts #CollectionsCare #conservators #museums