#paradiselost — Public Fediverse posts

Miguel Santos loves Edgar Allan Poe. He turned that love into a (sort of) one-man metal project called A Dream of Poe and uses a place called Tell-Tale Studios for mixing and mastering his records—Poe is clearly dear to his heart. The musical dream nearly crumbled, however, when a fire ravaged Santos’s home, destroying the music he’d written for his latest album—all but one song. This must have been devastating, yet from the ashes he resurrected the music and its tale about one character’s descent into the lowest of places: the underworld. Katabasis: A Marriage Among Ashes uses the symbolism of ashes as a parallel to Santos’s own personal tragedy in order to chronicle the agony of loss. The result is an album defined not by bleak darkness, but a sad beauty.

If you’re going to create a band inspired by Poe, there’s no genre more fitting than gothic doom mixed with the classical Romanticism of symphonic instruments. A Dream of Poe takes the form of My Dying Bride without its crushing brutality and the classicism of Tempestuous Fall without its opulence. Katabasis is a surprisingly tender and gentle piece of doom. The pianos and violins add a soft touch, and the guitars strum lovely melodies. The marriage of gentle and lightly brutal opens things on the poignant “The Wail of Gaea,” where the strings and pianos take turns setting a melancholic tone. “The Lament of Phaethon” begins with arpeggios and vocals that take on a folky Dolven vibe, and blaring horns late in the song tell of bad omens to come. Santos shows a knack for hooky choruses, particularly on the catchy “Lamia.” The hookiness returns on the finale, “À Medida de Damastes,” sung in what I assume is Santos’s native Portuguese. This tune kicks up the energy slightly, à la Paradise Lost, before descending into a chilling surge of terror that shatters the peace A Dream of Poe had previously maintained.

A Dream of Poe is technically a one-man project, yet Santos collaborates with a number of musicians who help shape Katabasis. Two of these collaborators split the bulk of the singing duties. Kaivan Saraei handles the first four tracks, with a voice that carries a gothic calm, evoking Dolven’s Jori Apedaile. João Melo, who closes the record out, has a more earthy tone that grows rawer when it increases in intensity. Santos himself contributes, briefly, with some growls that may be underpowered, but fit with the gentler nature of the album. Though Santos handles almost all instruments, other musicians aid in some small but important roles. Ruben Correia plays several guitar solos across Katabasis, providing some nice breaks from the gloom, notably on “Lamia” and “The Captivity of Hesperus.” Correia also plays violins on “The Lament of Phaethon” and “Lamia,” where he brings an organic and poignant touch to what are already terrific tunes. Regardless of who contributes, the musicians pour their hearts and souls into creating this emotionally striking work of art.

With funeral doom, lengthy slow burns are par for the course, yet writing a song that doesn’t overextend itself becomes a tricky balancing act. A majority of tracks on Katabasis fall in the seven-minute range and feel just right. The eleven-minute “Exhorting Nightmares” proves an exception. At seven minutes, it would have been fine, yet Santos keeps it going and even tacks on an ill-advised spoken word section towards the end. On the whole, Katabasis falls into a rather tight 45 minutes, so it’s only a minor complaint. The only other knock against the record is the lack of power behind the guitars and growls. A Dream of Poe is not aiming for the sort of power that My Dying Bride consistently delivers, but a little extra oomph here and there would have made a greater emotional impact.

It would have been so easy to give up in the midst of the loss Santos suffered. Yet he forged ahead and revived his lost music. While Katabasis presents a descent into a bleak place, there is something triumphant in the finished product. Santos, it seems, found himself at the edge of the pit, the imp within contemplating the fall, before the pendulum swung back and pulled him from the brink. He heard the beat of the Tell-Tale Studios and found himself driven not by madness, but by a desire to create his music and leave an indelible mark on the world of heavy metal.

Rating: 3.5/5.0
DR: 7 | Format Reviewed: 320 kbps mp3
Label: Meuse Music
Websites: Bandcamp | Facebook
Releases Worldwide: April 24th, 2026

Way back in 2014, when Madam X and I were still just mutual admirers online, she decided to travel from her home country of South Africa to the US to catch the world-famous 70000 Tons of Metal cruise. This had the added benefit of allowing us to finally meet in person since she was flying into New York, where I worked as a regional warlord at the time. We ended up meeting, totally hitting it off, and yada-yada-yada, we got married and lived happily ever after. It took us way too long to catch a 70000 Tons voyage as a couple, but this year we finally did it! After hearing so much about the 70000 Tons experience from Madam X, other AMG staffers, and various random miscreants, I thought I had a pretty good handle on what to expect. I didn’t. This event is one seriously wild ride, unlike anything else I’ve ever encountered. It’s a strange alternate universe where time is the enemy, yet also seems to lose all meaning. You spend every waking moment running from set to set to catch acts you want to see, and in the little spaces in between, you eat, chug brewskis, and study the scheduling app to plot and plan where to run next. You quickly lose track of the days as you adapt to this new lifestyle, and before long, you start to prefer this kind of existence. It’s a 4-day musical treasure hunt with adventure (and alcohol) available around every corner, and you share all the madcap escapades with thousands of like-minded metal maniacs who all seem equally thrilled to be questing. What could be cooler than that? So what was it like to step aboard as representatives for Angry Metal Guy Industries? This is our story.1

Disembarkment: From Snowbound to Southbound

Mere days before we were scheduled to fly down to Florida, the massive bomb cyclone winter storm dubbed “Fern” clobbered most of the eastern seaboard and dropped 15 inches of snow on our Long Island hometown. This scrambled all the central, southern, and eastern US airports something fierce, and with news of thousands of canceled flights in the days leading up to the cruise, we stressed mightily that we might not make it to Miami to catch the ship. The 70000 Tons group on Facebook was littered with tragic tales of folks getting their flights cancelled multiple times, with some opting to skip the airports entirely and try to make it by car from faraway locales.2 As the Metal Gods willed it, we got to the airport, made it to a not-very-sunny Florida on time without any hassles. We reported to the Port of Miami the next day, and the adventure began!

Day One: The Aclimationing

After going through the boarding process and nominally attending our safety briefing, beers were enjoyed as Madam X and I toured our new home. Freedom of the Seas is a typical cruise ship, but it was immediately apparent that this would not be a typical cruise. Aside from the ocean of black shirts and battle vests, all the music played over the ship’s sound systems was metal. This was a surprisingly satisfying touch, as I always wondered what it would be like to have my preferred genre played in places like supermarkets, dentist offices, and malls. This shit should be normalized outside of a niche metal cruise event. Hell, even when you turned on your cabin’s TV, there was a channel playing videos of the bands on board 24/7, and when you went to the shopping or cruise map channels, the background music was 120% pure metal. Nir-fucking-vana, folks!

As everyone boarded, got settled in, and the initial drinks were drunk, the first bands went off at 5:30. As any good primate would do in such circumstances, I chose Vio-Lence since they’re a beloved band from my youth that I never got to see live during their heyday. Prior to the band taking the stage, a stocky, bald gentleman berated a group of people (myself included) for not wearing ear protection. This was laughed off with good nature, and then I realized the man looking out for our aural health was none other than David White, the vocalist of Heathen. It was cool to see the Heathen dudes there showing support for their fellow San Francisco thrashers, and it was a nice way to kick off the festivities. Vio-Lence came out shortly thereafter and proceeded to destroy everyone with loud, vicious renditions of the material off their timeless debut, Eternal Nightmare. They sounded much heavier than expected, and Sean Killian was a man possessed on stage as he delivered the hyperactive and voluminous vocal lines like it was still 1990. They covered almost all of their debut and tossed in “World in a World” and the Dead Kennedys’ classic “California Über Alles” for extra spice, and I left well impressed by how youthful and powerful they sounded.

From there we ducked in to catch Harakiri for the Sky, and though neither Madam X nor I were very familiar with them, they impressed with their atmospheric post-black sound. They reminded me of Agalloch enough to want to visit their catalog, and Madam X was very much enthralled. From there, it was straight to the big theater to see Soen, and I admit to never being much of a fan. They were polished and professional, but their style of radio-friendly hard rock didn’t really fit with the 70000 Tons vibe, and I was bored pretty quickly, though watching Martin Lopez (ex-Opeth) pound away on his kit was entertaining. Things improved greatly when we went on to catch Cemetery Skyline, the Scandinavian Goth rock supergroup. Though the material on their Nordic Gothic debut isn’t all that much harder than what Soen do, the energy generated by Mikael Stanne and Markus Vanhala (Insomnium, Omnium Gatherum) was off the charts. The band seemed to be having as much or more fun than the very receptive crowd, and Stanne in particular seemed to be thrilled to be there. The set was electric, and the energy from the crowd was palpable.

Next up was Kamelot, and though I’m a huge fan of their early albums, I haven’t loved the post-Silverthrone output much. The band did their best to put on a lively performance, and Tommy Karevik sounded fine, but the setlist, taken mostly from the last 3 albums, was somewhat uninspiring, and we left after 5-6 songs. After taking time to get food and brewskis, we headed back to the theater to see Anthrax. A beloved band from my youth, it had been a long time since I last saw them live, but they acted and sounded much the same, opening with the timeless “A.I.R.” and leaning heavily on their Spreading the Disease and Among the Living classics. At one point, Joey started singing Judas Priest’s “The Ripper” before launching into “Caught in a Mosh,” and Scott Ian dubbed the 70000 Cruise as “the world’s coolest prison.” These olde thrash dawgs can still bring it, and the packed crowd ate it up (I especially loved them busting out “Be all. End All” from their State of Euphoria platter).

Last up for our first night was a 12:30 am set by the weird and mysterious Kanonenfieber. Support for the band was apparent, with numerous folks onboard rocking plastic versions of the Pickelhaube (the WWI era pointy helmet worn by Prussian and German soldiers), and they’ve received a ton of love and overratings from the AMG staff these past few years. Somehow, though, I never completely bought into what band creator Noise was doing. Until I saw it all done live, that is. With a stage covered in sandbags and barbed wire, the masked trench warriors supporting Noise came out in matching WWI period soldiers’ clothing to play a somber, ominous intro before Noise himself burst out dressed in full Kaiser gear as things erupted into full boar black death insanity. While their style can at times come across as heavier, faster Rammstein, there was no denying how much punch they packed live, and Noise is a very animated, maniacal frontman. He had the crowd eating from his hand despite an entire set in German. Sure, the multiple costume changes were a bit over-the-top, but they fit the narrative of the horrors of war. Thus pummeled and pulverized, it was time to call it a day.

Day Two: Any Port in the Storm

Due to the huge storm that was sweeping up the east coast, the Captain decided that the ship would head straight to Nassau on Friday rather than Saturday, so rather than bands taking the stage by 10 am, they would hold off til 5:30, and we would be free to leave the ship in the morning and wander around the island. After a few hours sightseeing, we were ready for more molten metal and eager to see Orden Organ kick things off on the newly constructed pool deck stage. Frontman Seeb was injured before the cruise and unable to make the trip, so the band recruited Marc Lopes (Ross the Boss, ex-Metal Church) to fill in. As the ship headed back out ot sea, the band ripped through the big hits of Ogan’s catalog, opening with the massive “F.E.V.E.R.” Dan sounded powerful and convincing, though between songs, he made it clear he was still learning the songs, so not to judge him too harshly. Minus a few missed vocal lines here and there, he did a fine job, got the crowd involved, and seemed really thrilled to be there. As they tore through hits like “The Things We Believe in,” “The Order of Fear,” and “Heart of the Android,” a cold rain began to fall, and by the end of their set, it was getting pretty heavy on the deck.

We retreated to the safety of the sports bar for liquid courage before having to go back out in the rain 45 minutes later to see the mighty Amorphis. The pool deck stage was an open-air rain debacle as they came out, and even before Tomi could start roaring, he was drenched and waterlogged. Tomi always looks like a pirate, so it worked for him, and the band sounded as great as ever live, though I felt bad for Santeri Kallio having to constantly wipe off his keyboards as the rain crashed down. The set was tight despite the weather, and they hit all the high points, from gems like “Death of a King” and “The Smoke” to going way back to Tales from the Thousand Lakes to uncork “Black Winter Day.” Nothing can stop these all-weather Finns!

From the deluge, we retreated to see Wolf in the Deck 5 lounge, which is essentially a smallish room without any kind of raised stage. Wolf were game about it and delivered a rowdy set of their NWoBHM-meets power metal, but unless you stood directly in front of them, you couldn’t see jack shit. It was still a good show, aurally at least. We left a bit early to get back to the monsoon deck to see Beast in Black, but their set was moved to 4:15 am due to how awful the weather had become outside. This allowed for a quick detour to catch Ereb Altor at the rink stage, and they were exactly how I imagined they would be: brooding, heavy, and not fucking around at all as they clobbered the crowd with their Viking black metal. As I was swept away to the good olde days of blood eagles and rule by sword, I found myself wondering why the band didn’t also schedule a few sets for Isole, as the same guys are in both bands. Great show, lost opportunity.

From there we beered up and then caught death metallers Skeletal Remains back in the lounge, and they were appropriately heavy and caveman as fook. Perhaps the caveman shit went too far as they blasted way past their allotted time, and soon thereafter, rumors started spreading that a certain band member was getting hammered and way too touchy-feely with the female cruisers. This ultimately led to him being confined to his cabin and the band getting banned from future 70000 Tons events. After Skeltal Remains decamped, we stayed put in the lounge as up next was none other than the one, the only…Jag Fucking Panzer!! A huge staple of my teen years, these Colorado classic US power metal masters dropped the iconic Ample Destruction back in 1985, and I’ve loved them ever since, but never got to see them live. Because we were hanging around as the band set up, legendary vocalist Harry “the Tyrant” Conklin came over to chat and offered us “Tyrant coins,” which are basically a commemorative Jag Panzer challenge coin. We took them happily, and I tried not to be too fanboyish. I also got to speak with founding guitarist Mark Briody, and he was as nice a guy as there is. When Panzer took the stage, they proceeded to rip the crowd a new one with a string of timeless cuts from Ample Destruction and select gems from their later releases. I was floored by how powerful Tyrant’s voice was live, and this was my highlight of the trip thus far. I was very glad we were dead center front row for this one!

After that unbeatable show, we went back up to the pool deck for Kanonenfieber’s second set at 12;30 am, hoping the rain had finally died down. The fates smiled upon Noise, and the skies held off, allowing them to tear through another set of war-horror-themed Germanic madness with Noise commanding the crowd like a battle-hardened general. Though some of the same songs from the first set were done again, it still seemed like a different event entirely, and aside from the odd clash of the masked, uniformed mauraders and the happy, colorful pool deck decorations, it was an immersive open sea air experience.

Day Three: Arctic Winds

Day three was the first where the bands hit the stages early, with some starting at 10:00 am. We dragged ourselves out of bed, got caffenated and made it to the pool deck to see Hiraes take the stage. I hadn’t hear of this Germanic melodeath act until their frontwoman Britta Görtz appeared in the recent Kreator video for “Tränenpalast.” They had an energetic set, and Britta has a shockingly demonic voice for such a charmingly upbeat, tiny woman. Then it was off to catch Wolf in the vastly superior rink stage, and they once again brought the old school metal thunder and showed the crowd how to pull off guitar-driven 80s metal with a touch of Euro-power.

80s Bay Area techno-thrashers Heathen were up next, and they delivered their typically solid, burly set, with frontman David White doing his hyperactive best to stir the theater crowd to violence. Speaking of Vio-Lence, I spotted a few of them in the crowd returning the favor of support. I especially loved when Heathen busted out “Goblin’s Blade” from their 1987 debut, and that song has aged like fine wine. “Hypnotized” was also as great live as ever, and that song should be considered one of the great thrash epics of all time. As we left the theater, Madam X informed me that the vocalist for Heathen was built much like Noise from Kanonenfieber and might be him. And so began several days of speculation as to who the Kanonenfieber guys were and where they might be on the ship.

After food and a merch shopping break, we caught the immortal NWoBHM legends Satan at the rink deck. Long have I wanted to witness them live, and when I finally got my wish, they were even better than I hoped. The ageless Brian Ross sounded like a 25-year-old, hitting all manner of high register wails and screams, often going beyond what was required by the songs. The band was insanely frenetic in a live setting, with guitarists Russ Tippins and Steve Ramsey putting on a shred clinic, sounding like classic Iron Maiden at double speed. They put on a helluva powerful, no-BS metal show, and Ross is a character as a frontman.3

Off to the pool deck we went, thereafter to catch some of Firewind’s set. I wanted to see Gus G wank his way to the moon in person, and I was not disappointed. I was surprised to see Herbie Langhams wasn’t performing vocals, and instead, former frontman Henning Basse (ex-Brainstorm, ex-Metallium) was there on stage. Together they plowed through mighty tunes like “Ode to Leonidas” and “I Am the Anger,” with Gus showing why he’s considered one of metal’s top axe masters. The weirdo semi-death, kinda-Goth Tribulation were next. Unfortunately, they were derailed by technical issues and lost some equipment in transit, and opened their set 20 minutes late. Even when they finally got going, they were still plagued by sound issues. They did their best, but they didn’t get to present themselves properly, and things were a bit lackluster overall.

Next was the one and only time Madam X and I had to part company, as she was dying to see Beast in Black and I needed to see Jag Panzer’s second set and both went off at the same time. This Panzer set was a “drop the needle” on their classic album Ample Destruction, and I couldn’t miss seeing them run through it from start to finish. This time Jag Panzer got the rink stage, which is far better than the lounge, and once again they brought the crowd to their knees with masterful renditions of cuts like “Licensed to Kill,” “Warfare,” and “Harder Than Steel.” Tyrant again demonstrated the sheer power and force of his ageless pipes, and the band made sure to leave everything on the stage. I even ended up with an official Jag Panzer wristband in the process. Sometimes it’s good to meet your heroes. Madam X was equally blown away by the Beast in Black set, making me wish I had caught that show, too.

From there, I raced to the pool deck to catch Paradise Lost. The long-running lords of Peaceville doom put on a solid if somewhat low-key set, drawing from their vast catalog and collection of styles. It wasn’t the most animated set of the cruise, but the songs sounded great, and Nick Holmes was in good form. I appreciated that they didn’t shy away from their Depeche Lost era either.

After that, Anthrax took the pool deck stage, and lo and behold, bassist Frank Bello was missing in action. In his place was a guy who looked a whole lot like Joey Vera of Armored Saint, Fates Warning, etc. Turns out it was Joey filling in, as Frank had to leave the ship to get to LA to accept his Grammy for best Live Rock performance for Yungblud’s rendition of Black Sabbath’s “Changes” at the Back to the Beginning concert. I have no idea how Frank got off the ship or how they mailed Joey in, but he fit right in, and Anthrax did another classic set, even hitting “Deathrider” from the debut and “In the End” from Worship Music. Queens, NY, represent!

Day Four: Survive and Endure

As the rigors of nonstop metalling slowly began to set in, we arose on day four, opted to eat a quick breakfast, then jumped in a hot tub on the pool deck while they were fresh, clean, and not full of plus-sized, mega-hairy metalheads. Because of our early arrival, we only shared a tub with a very nice Dutch couple, and as we listened to Xandria playing their morning set about 100 feet away, we discussed the Dutch metal scene, the Roadburn festival, and how The Gathering is superior to most other similar acts. Xandria aren’t my cup of tea, and I couldn’t see them from my tub, but they sounded decent enough for a symphonic power metal band.

After tub time, we caught Tyr on the pool deck as they brought Faroian thunder to the high seas. Their burly sound translated well to the setting, and it was all beefy tales of heroism and swordplay, with “By the Sword in My Hand” and “Blood of Heroes” hitting extra hard. It was extra cool to see Jag Panzer’s Mark Briody right up front in the crowd, throwing horns and celebrating the next generation of metal.

Later on, we caught the second set of Satan, and again they burned the stage down around them, then we wandered into the last 15 minutes of Darkane’s set on the pool deck. After that, Madam X convinced me to try Groza’s set, which was a shockingly harrowing blast of misanthropic black metal performed by dudes in hoods who were from Germany. They impressed and furthered the ongoing Kanonenfieber conspiracy mill considerably.

One of the highlights of the event for me was seeing ultimate underdog 80s thrash act Hirax take the stage on the pool deck as the weather turned windy and cold again. Hirax released 2 obscure albums in the mid 80s that I dearly loved because they were so different from everything else out there. Katon Depena was a truly unique vocalist, singing in a strange up and down pattern over short thrashy songs that verged on grindcore. It was both odd and endearing, and my high school friends and I constantly imitated his wonky singing. They were too cult to ever tour near us, so I always wondered what they would be like live. When Hirax stormed the stage, they were everything I expected and then some. Katon was a complete maniac, running all over, climbing the amps, jumping into the crowd, taking a big fur coat from a fan, and rocking it on stage, all as he ripped through a succession of lightning-fast classics. It was one of the craziest sets of the cruise, and the crowd was eating it up. Hail Hirax.

As the ship steered toward the setting sun, Finnish melodoom gods Insomnium took the pool deck stage to deliver a classically melancholic but heavy set as the weather got colder and colder. They were tight, polished, and amusingly enough, complained about how cold it was on the deck. As they started to play “Down With the Sun,” the sun was slowly disappearing below the watery horizon, and with the cold air blowing, it felt like a weirdly Finnish moment on what was billed as a Caribbean cruise.

In the ultimate whiplash kind of switch up, we raced from the Insomnium set to witness Rhapody of Fire launch their nerd-raging dragon power all over the theater stage. As they catapulted into cheddar manufacturing mode, the crowd brandished waves of inflatable swords and hammers like a full-fledged LARP was about to break out. In the middle of the raging orcstorm, vocalist Giacomo Voli went completely bonkers, wailing, screaming, stirring the crowd up, and even stage diving and crowdriding. Somehow, he kept singing as he was held aloft by the rowdy crowd and pummeled with inflatable melee weapons.4 Though I’m not a fan of the band, I couldn’t deny the entertainment factor and the insane charisma of Voli.

The festivities wound down with a 12:30 am Dark Tranquillity set on the pool deck, and as always, Stanne and company were the consummate professionals, doling out the classic melodeath goods as only they can. Stanne sounded superb and in his glory, and the band put on an appropriately massive cap to a great cruise. After their set, Andy, the man behind the whole event, took the stage to thank all who attended and braved the often-bad weather to enjoy the massive metal spectacle. It was a bittersweet moment, as the 4 days flew by in a crazy blur and now were coming to an end.

Final Thoughts:

70000 Tons of Metal is an extremely well-organized and run event, and it was attended by a large assortment of metal fans who came to have a good time and make memories. I saw no fights, no really bad behavior (aside from certain band-related allegations), and was shocked that I saw so few people hammered into an alcoholic stupor. If you haven’t considered making the trip, you should. It can be pricey, but it’s an amazing time and unlike anything else you’ll ever experience. I went expecting it to be something you do once, but now I want to make it a yearly tradition. I highly recommend it, even if you only like half of the scheduled line-up. Thank you to the ever-amazing Madam X for organizing the trip for us and for being the best possible partner to share the insanity with. You complete me.

Funniest Moment:

-When Madam X and I were waiting for an elevator, one opened up, and standing right in front was Brian Ross of Satan. Madam X was star-struck and loudly exclaimed, “SATAN!” Mr. Ross smiled and waved.

-Everyone complaining there was no Kanonenfieber meet and greet.

Bands We Missed:

Vader and Saturnus were cursed with late-night slots we just couldn’t get to. We feel great shame.

Biggest Gripe:

The weird and draconian merch rules made even a simple viewing of the band’s wares a huge hassle.

Biggest Surprise:

I wasn’t even close to being the oldest person there!

Things I’ll Miss the Most: Those stupid little pizzas served at Sorrento’s. They aren’t much different from store-bought frozen pizza, but the stuff becomes addictive after eating it for a few days, like those dumplings in Old Boy.

Post Ship Depression Syndrome:

It’s a real thing. You feel out of sorts and miss the weird pacing and running between sets all day and night.

Way back in 2014, when Madam X and I were still just mutual admirers online, she decided to travel from her home country of South Africa to the US to catch the world-famous 70000 Tons of Metal cruise. This had the added benefit of allowing us to finally meet in person since she was flying into New York, where I worked as a regional warlord at the time. We ended up meeting, totally hitting it off, and yada-yada-yada, we got married and lived happily ever after. It took us way too long to catch a 70000 Tons voyage as a couple, but this year we finally did it! After hearing so much about the 70000 Tons experience from Madam X, other AMG staffers, and various random miscreants, I thought I had a pretty good handle on what to expect. I didn’t. This event is one seriously wild ride, unlike anything else I’ve ever encountered. It’s a strange alternate universe where time is the enemy, yet also seems to lose all meaning. You spend every waking moment running from set to set to catch acts you want to see, and in the little spaces in between, you eat, chug brewskis, and study the scheduling app to plot and plan where to run next. You quickly lose track of the days as you adapt to this new lifestyle, and before long, you start to prefer this kind of existence. It’s a 4-day musical treasure hunt with adventure (and alcohol) available around every corner, and you share all the madcap escapades with thousands of like-minded metal maniacs who all seem equally thrilled to be questing. What could be cooler than that? So what was it like to step aboard as representatives for Angry Metal Guy Industries? This is our story.1

Disembarkment: From Snowbound to Southbound

Mere days before we were scheduled to fly down to Florida, the massive bomb cyclone winter storm dubbed “Fern” clobbered most of the eastern seaboard and dropped 15 inches of snow on our Long Island hometown. This scrambled all the central, southern, and eastern US airports something fierce, and with news of thousands of canceled flights in the days leading up to the cruise, we stressed mightily that we might not make it to Miami to catch the ship. The 70000 Tons group on Facebook was littered with tragic tales of folks getting their flights cancelled multiple times, with some opting to skip the airports entirely and try to make it by car from faraway locales.2 As the Metal Gods willed it, we got to the airport, made it to a not-very-sunny Florida on time without any hassles. We reported to the Port of Miami the next day, and the adventure began!

Day One: The Aclimationing

After going through the boarding process and nominally attending our safety briefing, beers were enjoyed as Madam X and I toured our new home. Freedom of the Seas is a typical cruise ship, but it was immediately apparent that this would not be a typical cruise. Aside from the ocean of black shirts and battle vests, all the music played over the ship’s sound systems was metal. This was a surprisingly satisfying touch, as I always wondered what it would be like to have my preferred genre played in places like supermarkets, dentist offices, and malls. This shit should be normalized outside of a niche metal cruise event. Hell, even when you turned on your cabin’s TV, there was a channel playing videos of the bands on board 24/7, and when you went to the shopping or cruise map channels, the background music was 120% pure metal. Nir-fucking-vana, folks!

As everyone boarded, got settled in, and the initial drinks were drunk, the first bands went off at 5:30. As any good primate would do in such circumstances, I chose Vio-Lence since they’re a beloved band from my youth that I never got to see live during their heyday. Prior to the band taking the stage, a stocky, bald gentleman berated a group of people (myself included) for not wearing ear protection. This was laughed off with good nature, and then I realized the man looking out for our aural health was none other than David White, the vocalist of Heathen. It was cool to see the Heathen dudes there showing support for their fellow San Francisco thrashers, and it was a nice way to kick off the festivities. Vio-Lence came out shortly thereafter and proceeded to destroy everyone with loud, vicious renditions of the material off their timeless debut, Eternal Nightmare. They sounded much heavier than expected, and Sean Killian was a man possessed on stage as he delivered the hyperactive and voluminous vocal lines like it was still 1990. They covered almost all of their debut and tossed in “World in a World” and the Dead Kennedys’ classic “California Über Alles” for extra spice, and I left well impressed by how youthful and powerful they sounded.

From there we ducked in to catch Harakiri for the Sky, and though neither Madam X nor I were very familiar with them, they impressed with their atmospheric post-black sound. They reminded me of Agalloch enough to want to visit their catalog, and Madam X was very much enthralled. From there, it was straight to the big theater to see Soen, and I admit to never being much of a fan. They were polished and professional, but their style of radio-friendly hard rock didn’t really fit with the 70000 Tons vibe, and I was bored pretty quickly, though watching Martin Lopez (ex-Opeth) pound away on his kit was entertaining. Things improved greatly when we went on to catch Cemetery Skyline, the Scandinavian Goth rock supergroup. Though the material on their Nordic Gothic debut isn’t all that much harder than what Soen do, the energy generated by Mikael Stanne and Markus Vanhala (Insomnium, Omnium Gatherum) was off the charts. The band seemed to be having as much or more fun than the very receptive crowd, and Stanne in particular seemed to be thrilled to be there. The set was electric, and the energy from the crowd was palpable.

Next up was Kamelot, and though I’m a huge fan of their early albums, I haven’t loved the post-Silverthrone output much. The band did their best to put on a lively performance, and Tommy Karevik sounded fine, but the setlist, taken mostly from the last 3 albums, was somewhat uninspiring, and we left after 5-6 songs. After taking time to get food and brewskis, we headed back to the theater to see Anthrax. A beloved band from my youth, it had been a long time since I last saw them live, but they acted and sounded much the same, opening with the timeless “A.I.R.” and leaning heavily on their Spreading the Disease and Among the Living classics. At one point, Joey started singing Judas Priest’s “The Ripper” before launching into “Caught in a Mosh,” and Scott Ian dubbed the 70000 Cruise as “the world’s coolest prison.” These olde thrash dawgs can still bring it, and the packed crowd ate it up (I especially loved them busting out “Be all. End All” from their State of Euphoria platter).

Last up for our first night was a 12:30 am set by the weird and mysterious Kanonenfieber. Support for the band was apparent, with numerous folks onboard rocking plastic versions of the Pickelhaube (the WWI era pointy helmet worn by Prussian and German soldiers), and they’ve received a ton of love and overratings from the AMG staff these past few years. Somehow, though, I never completely bought into what band creator Noise was doing. Until I saw it all done live, that is. With a stage covered in sandbags and barbed wire, the masked trench warriors supporting Noise came out in matching WWI period soldiers’ clothing to play a somber, ominous intro before Noise himself burst out dressed in full Kaiser gear as things erupted into full boar black death insanity. While their style can at times come across as heavier, faster Rammstein, there was no denying how much punch they packed live, and Noise is a very animated, maniacal frontman. He had the crowd eating from his hand despite an entire set in German. Sure, the multiple costume changes were a bit over-the-top, but they fit the narrative of the horrors of war. Thus pummeled and pulverized, it was time to call it a day.

Day Two: Any Port in the Storm

Due to the huge storm that was sweeping up the east coast, the Captain decided that the ship would head straight to Nassau on Friday rather than Saturday, so rather than bands taking the stage by 10 am, they would hold off til 5:30, and we would be free to leave the ship in the morning and wander around the island. After a few hours sightseeing, we were ready for more molten metal and eager to see Orden Organ kick things off on the newly constructed pool deck stage. Frontman Seeb was injured before the cruise and unable to make the trip, so the band recruited Marc Lopes (Ross the Boss, ex-Metal Church) to fill in. As the ship headed back out ot sea, the band ripped through the big hits of Ogan’s catalog, opening with the massive “F.E.V.E.R.” Dan sounded powerful and convincing, though between songs, he made it clear he was still learning the songs, so not to judge him too harshly. Minus a few missed vocal lines here and there, he did a fine job, got the crowd involved, and seemed really thrilled to be there. As they tore through hits like “The Things We Believe in,” “The Order of Fear,” and “Heart of the Android,” a cold rain began to fall, and by the end of their set, it was getting pretty heavy on the deck.

We retreated to the safety of the sports bar for liquid courage before having to go back out in the rain 45 minutes later to see the mighty Amorphis. The pool deck stage was an open-air rain debacle as they came out, and even before Tomi could start roaring, he was drenched and waterlogged. Tomi always looks like a pirate, so it worked for him, and the band sounded as great as ever live, though I felt bad for Santeri Kallio having to constantly wipe off his keyboards as the rain crashed down. The set was tight despite the weather, and they hit all the high points, from gems like “Death of a King” and “The Smoke” to going way back to Tales from the Thousand Lakes to uncork “Black Winter Day.” Nothing can stop these all-weather Finns!

From the deluge, we retreated to see Wolf in the Deck 5 lounge, which is essentially a smallish room without any kind of raised stage. Wolf were game about it and delivered a rowdy set of their NWoBHM-meets power metal, but unless you stood directly in front of them, you couldn’t see jack shit. It was still a good show, aurally at least. We left a bit early to get back to the monsoon deck to see Beast in Black, but their set was moved to 4:15 am due to how awful the weather had become outside. This allowed for a quick detour to catch Ereb Altor at the rink stage, and they were exactly how I imagined they would be: brooding, heavy, and not fucking around at all as they clobbered the crowd with their Viking black metal. As I was swept away to the good olde days of blood eagles and rule by sword, I found myself wondering why the band didn’t also schedule a few sets for Isole, as the same guys are in both bands. Great show, lost opportunity.

From there we beered up and then caught death metallers Skeletal Remains back in the lounge, and they were appropriately heavy and caveman as fook. Perhaps the caveman shit went too far as they blasted way past their allotted time, and soon thereafter, rumors started spreading that a certain band member was getting hammered and way too touchy-feely with the female cruisers. This ultimately led to him being confined to his cabin and the band getting banned from future 70000 Tons events. After Skeltal Remains decamped, we stayed put in the lounge as up next was none other than the one, the only…Jag Fucking Panzer!! A huge staple of my teen years, these Colorado classic US power metal masters dropped the iconic Ample Destruction back in 1985, and I’ve loved them ever since, but never got to see them live. Because we were hanging around as the band set up, legendary vocalist Harry “the Tyrant” Conklin came over to chat and offered us “Tyrant coins,” which are basically a commemorative Jag Panzer challenge coin. We took them happily, and I tried not to be too fanboyish. I also got to speak with founding guitarist Mark Briody, and he was as nice a guy as there is. When Panzer took the stage, they proceeded to rip the crowd a new one with a string of timeless cuts from Ample Destruction and select gems from their later releases. I was floored by how powerful Tyrant’s voice was live, and this was my highlight of the trip thus far. I was very glad we were dead center front row for this one!

After that unbeatable show, we went back up to the pool deck for Kanonenfieber’s second set at 12;30 am, hoping the rain had finally died down. The fates smiled upon Noise, and the skies held off, allowing them to tear through another set of war-horror-themed Germanic madness with Noise commanding the crowd like a battle-hardened general. Though some of the same songs from the first set were done again, it still seemed like a different event entirely, and aside from the odd clash of the masked, uniformed mauraders and the happy, colorful pool deck decorations, it was an immersive open sea air experience.

Day Three: Arctic Winds

Day three was the first where the bands hit the stages early, with some starting at 10:00 am. We dragged ourselves out of bed, got caffenated and made it to the pool deck to see Hiraes take the stage. I hadn’t hear of this Germanic melodeath act until their frontwoman Britta Görtz appeared in the recent Kreator video for “Tränenpalast.” They had an energetic set, and Britta has a shockingly demonic voice for such a charmingly upbeat, tiny woman. Then it was off to catch Wolf in the vastly superior rink stage, and they once again brought the old school metal thunder and showed the crowd how to pull off guitar-driven 80s metal with a touch of Euro-power.

80s Bay Area techno-thrashers Heathen were up next, and they delivered their typically solid, burly set, with frontman David White doing his hyperactive best to stir the theater crowd to violence. Speaking of Vio-Lence, I spotted a few of them in the crowd returning the favor of support. I especially loved when Heathen busted out “Goblin’s Blade” from their 1987 debut, and that song has aged like fine wine. “Hypnotized” was also as great live as ever, and that song should be considered one of the great thrash epics of all time. As we left the theater, Madam X informed me that the vocalist for Heathen was built much like Noise from Kanonenfieber and might be him. And so began several days of speculation as to who the Kanonenfieber guys were and where they might be on the ship.

After food and a merch shopping break, we caught the immortal NWoBHM legends Satan at the rink deck. Long have I wanted to witness them live, and when I finally got my wish, they were even better than I hoped. The ageless Brian Ross sounded like a 25-year-old, hitting all manner of high register wails and screams, often going beyond what was required by the songs. The band was insanely frenetic in a live setting, with guitarists Russ Tippins and Steve Ramsey putting on a shred clinic, sounding like classic Iron Maiden at double speed. They put on a helluva powerful, no-BS metal show, and Ross is a character as a frontman.3

Off to the pool deck we went, thereafter to catch some of Firewind’s set. I wanted to see Gus G wank his way to the moon in person, and I was not disappointed. I was surprised to see Herbie Langhams wasn’t performing vocals, and instead, former frontman Henning Basse (ex-Brainstorm, ex-Metallium) was there on stage. Together they plowed through mighty tunes like “Ode to Leonidas” and “I Am the Anger,” with Gus showing why he’s considered one of metal’s top axe masters. The weirdo semi-death, kinda-Goth Tribulation were next. Unfortunately, they were derailed by technical issues and lost some equipment in transit, and opened their set 20 minutes late. Even when they finally got going, they were still plagued by sound issues. They did their best, but they didn’t get to present themselves properly, and things were a bit lackluster overall.

Next was the one and only time Madam X and I had to part company, as she was dying to see Beast in Black and I needed to see Jag Panzer’s second set and both went off at the same time. This Panzer set was a “drop the needle” on their classic album Ample Destruction, and I couldn’t miss seeing them run through it from start to finish. This time Jag Panzer got the rink stage, which is far better than the lounge, and once again they brought the crowd to their knees with masterful renditions of cuts like “Licensed to Kill,” “Warfare,” and “Harder Than Steel.” Tyrant again demonstrated the sheer power and force of his ageless pipes, and the band made sure to leave everything on the stage. I even ended up with an official Jag Panzer wristband in the process. Sometimes it’s good to meet your heroes. Madam X was equally blown away by the Beast in Black set, making me wish I had caught that show, too.

From there, I raced to the pool deck to catch Paradise Lost. The long-running lords of Peaceville doom put on a solid if somewhat low-key set, drawing from their vast catalog and collection of styles. It wasn’t the most animated set of the cruise, but the songs sounded great, and Nick Holmes was in good form. I appreciated that they didn’t shy away from their Depeche Lost era either.

After that, Anthrax took the pool deck stage, and lo and behold, bassist Frank Bello was missing in action. In his place was a guy who looked a whole lot like Joey Vera of Armored Saint, Fates Warning, etc. Turns out it was Joey filling in, as Frank had to leave the ship to get to LA to accept his Grammy for best Live Rock performance for Yungblud’s rendition of Black Sabbath’s “Changes” at the Back to the Beginning concert. I have no idea how Frank got off the ship or how they mailed Joey in, but he fit right in, and Anthrax did another classic set, even hitting “Deathrider” from the debut and “In the End” from Worship Music. Queens, NY, represent!

Day Four: Survive and Endure

As the rigors of nonstop metalling slowly began to set in, we arose on day four, opted to eat a quick breakfast, then jumped in a hot tub on the pool deck while they were fresh, clean, and not full of plus-sized, mega-hairy metalheads. Because of our early arrival, we only shared a tub with a very nice Dutch couple, and as we listened to Xandria playing their morning set about 100 feet away, we discussed the Dutch metal scene, the Roadburn festival, and how The Gathering is superior to most other similar acts. Xandria aren’t my cup of tea, and I couldn’t see them from my tub, but they sounded decent enough for a symphonic power metal band.

After tub time, we caught Tyr on the pool deck as they brought Faroian thunder to the high seas. Their burly sound translated well to the setting, and it was all beefy tales of heroism and swordplay, with “By the Sword in My Hand” and “Blood of Heroes” hitting extra hard. It was extra cool to see Jag Panzer’s Mark Briody right up front in the crowd, throwing horns and celebrating the next generation of metal.

Later on, we caught the second set of Satan, and again they burned the stage down around them, then we wandered into the last 15 minutes of Darkane’s set on the pool deck. After that, Madam X convinced me to try Groza’s set, which was a shockingly harrowing blast of misanthropic black metal performed by dudes in hoods who were from Germany. They impressed and furthered the ongoing Kanonenfieber conspiracy mill considerably.

One of the highlights of the event for me was seeing ultimate underdog 80s thrash act Hirax take the stage on the pool deck as the weather turned windy and cold again. Hirax released 2 obscure albums in the mid 80s that I dearly loved because they were so different from everything else out there. Katon Depena was a truly unique vocalist, singing in a strange up and down pattern over short thrashy songs that verged on grindcore. It was both odd and endearing, and my high school friends and I constantly imitated his wonky singing. They were too cult to ever tour near us, so I always wondered what they would be like live. When Hirax stormed the stage, they were everything I expected and then some. Katon was a complete maniac, running all over, climbing the amps, jumping into the crowd, taking a big fur coat from a fan, and rocking it on stage, all as he ripped through a succession of lightning-fast classics. It was one of the craziest sets of the cruise, and the crowd was eating it up. Hail Hirax.

As the ship steered toward the setting sun, Finnish melodoom gods Insomnium took the pool deck stage to deliver a classically melancholic but heavy set as the weather got colder and colder. They were tight, polished, and amusingly enough, complained about how cold it was on the deck. As they started to play “Down With the Sun,” the sun was slowly disappearing below the watery horizon, and with the cold air blowing, it felt like a weirdly Finnish moment on what was billed as a Caribbean cruise.

In the ultimate whiplash kind of switch up, we raced from the Insomnium set to witness Rhapody of Fire launch their nerd-raging dragon power all over the theater stage. As they catapulted into cheddar manufacturing mode, the crowd brandished waves of inflatable swords and hammers like a full-fledged LARP was about to break out. In the middle of the raging orcstorm, vocalist Giacomo Voli went completely bonkers, wailing, screaming, stirring the crowd up, and even stage diving and crowdriding. Somehow, he kept singing as he was held aloft by the rowdy crowd and pummeled with inflatable melee weapons.4 Though I’m not a fan of the band, I couldn’t deny the entertainment factor and the insane charisma of Voli.

The festivities wound down with a 12:30 am Dark Tranquillity set on the pool deck, and as always, Stanne and company were the consummate professionals, doling out the classic melodeath goods as only they can. Stanne sounded superb and in his glory, and the band put on an appropriately massive cap to a great cruise. After their set, Andy, the man behind the whole event, took the stage to thank all who attended and braved the often-bad weather to enjoy the massive metal spectacle. It was a bittersweet moment, as the 4 days flew by in a crazy blur and now were coming to an end.

Final Thoughts:

70000 Tons of Metal is an extremely well-organized and run event, and it was attended by a large assortment of metal fans who came to have a good time and make memories. I saw no fights, no really bad behavior (aside from certain band-related allegations), and was shocked that I saw so few people hammered into an alcoholic stupor. If you haven’t considered making the trip, you should. It can be pricey, but it’s an amazing time and unlike anything else you’ll ever experience. I went expecting it to be something you do once, but now I want to make it a yearly tradition. I highly recommend it, even if you only like half of the scheduled line-up. Thank you to the ever-amazing Madam X for organizing the trip for us and for being the best possible partner to share the insanity with. You complete me.

Funniest Moment:

-When Madam X and I were waiting for an elevator, one opened up, and standing right in front was Brian Ross of Satan. Madam X was star-struck and loudly exclaimed, “SATAN!” Mr. Ross smiled and waved.

-Everyone complaining there was no Kanonenfieber meet and greet.

Bands We Missed:

Vader and Saturnus were cursed with late-night slots we just couldn’t get to. We feel great shame.

Biggest Gripe:

The weird and draconian merch rules made even a simple viewing of the band’s wares a huge hassle.

Biggest Surprise:

I wasn’t even close to being the oldest person there!

Things I’ll Miss the Most: Those stupid little pizzas served at Sorrento’s. They aren’t much different from store-bought frozen pizza, but the stuff becomes addictive after eating it for a few days, like those dumplings in Old Boy.

Post Ship Depression Syndrome:

It’s a real thing. You feel out of sorts and miss the weird pacing and running between sets all day and night.

Way back in 2014, when Madam X and I were still just mutual admirers online, she decided to travel from her home country of South Africa to the US to catch the world-famous 70000 Tons of Metal cruise. This had the added benefit of allowing us to finally meet in person since she was flying into New York, where I worked as a regional warlord at the time. We ended up meeting, totally hitting it off, and yada-yada-yada, we got married and lived happily ever after. It took us way too long to catch a 70000 Tons voyage as a couple, but this year we finally did it! After hearing so much about the 70000 Tons experience from Madam X, other AMG staffers, and various random miscreants, I thought I had a pretty good handle on what to expect. I didn’t. This event is one seriously wild ride, unlike anything else I’ve ever encountered. It’s a strange alternate universe where time is the enemy, yet also seems to lose all meaning. You spend every waking moment running from set to set to catch acts you want to see, and in the little spaces in between, you eat, chug brewskis, and study the scheduling app to plot and plan where to run next. You quickly lose track of the days as you adapt to this new lifestyle, and before long, you start to prefer this kind of existence. It’s a 4-day musical treasure hunt with adventure (and alcohol) available around every corner, and you share all the madcap escapades with thousands of like-minded metal maniacs who all seem equally thrilled to be questing. What could be cooler than that? So what was it like to step aboard as representatives for Angry Metal Guy Industries? This is our story.1

Disembarkment: From Snowbound to Southbound

Mere days before we were scheduled to fly down to Florida, the massive bomb cyclone winter storm dubbed “Fern” clobbered most of the eastern seaboard and dropped 15 inches of snow on our Long Island hometown. This scrambled all the central, southern, and eastern US airports something fierce, and with news of thousands of canceled flights in the days leading up to the cruise, we stressed mightily that we might not make it to Miami to catch the ship. The 70000 Tons group on Facebook was littered with tragic tales of folks getting their flights cancelled multiple times, with some opting to skip the airports entirely and try to make it by car from faraway locales.2 As the Metal Gods willed it, we got to the airport, made it to a not-very-sunny Florida on time without any hassles. We reported to the Port of Miami the next day, and the adventure began!

Day One: The Aclimationing

After going through the boarding process and nominally attending our safety briefing, beers were enjoyed as Madam X and I toured our new home. Freedom of the Seas is a typical cruise ship, but it was immediately apparent that this would not be a typical cruise. Aside from the ocean of black shirts and battle vests, all the music played over the ship’s sound systems was metal. This was a surprisingly satisfying touch, as I always wondered what it would be like to have my preferred genre played in places like supermarkets, dentist offices, and malls. This shit should be normalized outside of a niche metal cruise event. Hell, even when you turned on your cabin’s TV, there was a channel playing videos of the bands on board 24/7, and when you went to the shopping or cruise map channels, the background music was 120% pure metal. Nir-fucking-vana, folks!

As everyone boarded, got settled in, and the initial drinks were drunk, the first bands went off at 5:30. As any good primate would do in such circumstances, I chose Vio-Lence since they’re a beloved band from my youth that I never got to see live during their heyday. Prior to the band taking the stage, a stocky, bald gentleman berated a group of people (myself included) for not wearing ear protection. This was laughed off with good nature, and then I realized the man looking out for our aural health was none other than David White, the vocalist of Heathen. It was cool to see the Heathen dudes there showing support for their fellow San Francisco thrashers, and it was a nice way to kick off the festivities. Vio-Lence came out shortly thereafter and proceeded to destroy everyone with loud, vicious renditions of the material off their timeless debut, Eternal Nightmare. They sounded much heavier than expected, and Sean Killian was a man possessed on stage as he delivered the hyperactive and voluminous vocal lines like it was still 1990. They covered almost all of their debut and tossed in “World in a World” and the Dead Kennedys’ classic “California Über Alles” for extra spice, and I left well impressed by how youthful and powerful they sounded.

From there we ducked in to catch Harakiri for the Sky, and though neither Madam X nor I were very familiar with them, they impressed with their atmospheric post-black sound. They reminded me of Agalloch enough to want to visit their catalog, and Madam X was very much enthralled. From there, it was straight to the big theater to see Soen, and I admit to never being much of a fan. They were polished and professional, but their style of radio-friendly hard rock didn’t really fit with the 70000 Tons vibe, and I was bored pretty quickly, though watching Martin Lopez (ex-Opeth) pound away on his kit was entertaining. Things improved greatly when we went on to catch Cemetery Skyline, the Scandinavian Goth rock supergroup. Though the material on their Nordic Gothic debut isn’t all that much harder than what Soen do, the energy generated by Mikael Stanne and Markus Vanhala (Insomnium, Omnium Gatherum) was off the charts. The band seemed to be having as much or more fun than the very receptive crowd, and Stanne in particular seemed to be thrilled to be there. The set was electric, and the energy from the crowd was palpable.

Next up was Kamelot, and though I’m a huge fan of their early albums, I haven’t loved the post-Silverthrone output much. The band did their best to put on a lively performance, and Tommy Karevik sounded fine, but the setlist, taken mostly from the last 3 albums, was somewhat uninspiring, and we left after 5-6 songs. After taking time to get food and brewskis, we headed back to the theater to see Anthrax. A beloved band from my youth, it had been a long time since I last saw them live, but they acted and sounded much the same, opening with the timeless “A.I.R.” and leaning heavily on their Spreading the Disease and Among the Living classics. At one point, Joey started singing Judas Priest’s “The Ripper” before launching into “Caught in a Mosh,” and Scott Ian dubbed the 70000 Cruise as “the world’s coolest prison.” These olde thrash dawgs can still bring it, and the packed crowd ate it up (I especially loved them busting out “Be all. End All” from their State of Euphoria platter).

Last up for our first night was a 12:30 am set by the weird and mysterious Kanonenfieber. Support for the band was apparent, with numerous folks onboard rocking plastic versions of the Pickelhaube (the WWI era pointy helmet worn by Prussian and German soldiers), and they’ve received a ton of love and overratings from the AMG staff these past few years. Somehow, though, I never completely bought into what band creator Noise was doing. Until I saw it all done live, that is. With a stage covered in sandbags and barbed wire, the masked trench warriors supporting Noise came out in matching WWI period soldiers’ clothing to play a somber, ominous intro before Noise himself burst out dressed in full Kaiser gear as things erupted into full boar black death insanity. While their style can at times come across as heavier, faster Rammstein, there was no denying how much punch they packed live, and Noise is a very animated, maniacal frontman. He had the crowd eating from his hand despite an entire set in German. Sure, the multiple costume changes were a bit over-the-top, but they fit the narrative of the horrors of war. Thus pummeled and pulverized, it was time to call it a day.

Day Two: Any Port in the Storm

Due to the huge storm that was sweeping up the east coast, the Captain decided that the ship would head straight to Nassau on Friday rather than Saturday, so rather than bands taking the stage by 10 am, they would hold off til 5:30, and we would be free to leave the ship in the morning and wander around the island. After a few hours sightseeing, we were ready for more molten metal and eager to see Orden Organ kick things off on the newly constructed pool deck stage. Frontman Seeb was injured before the cruise and unable to make the trip, so the band recruited Marc Lopes (Ross the Boss, ex-Metal Church) to fill in. As the ship headed back out ot sea, the band ripped through the big hits of Ogan’s catalog, opening with the massive “F.E.V.E.R.” Dan sounded powerful and convincing, though between songs, he made it clear he was still learning the songs, so not to judge him too harshly. Minus a few missed vocal lines here and there, he did a fine job, got the crowd involved, and seemed really thrilled to be there. As they tore through hits like “The Things We Believe in,” “The Order of Fear,” and “Heart of the Android,” a cold rain began to fall, and by the end of their set, it was getting pretty heavy on the deck.

We retreated to the safety of the sports bar for liquid courage before having to go back out in the rain 45 minutes later to see the mighty Amorphis. The pool deck stage was an open-air rain debacle as they came out, and even before Tomi could start roaring, he was drenched and waterlogged. Tomi always looks like a pirate, so it worked for him, and the band sounded as great as ever live, though I felt bad for Santeri Kallio having to constantly wipe off his keyboards as the rain crashed down. The set was tight despite the weather, and they hit all the high points, from gems like “Death of a King” and “The Smoke” to going way back to Tales from the Thousand Lakes to uncork “Black Winter Day.” Nothing can stop these all-weather Finns!

From the deluge, we retreated to see Wolf in the Deck 5 lounge, which is essentially a smallish room without any kind of raised stage. Wolf were game about it and delivered a rowdy set of their NWoBHM-meets power metal, but unless you stood directly in front of them, you couldn’t see jack shit. It was still a good show, aurally at least. We left a bit early to get back to the monsoon deck to see Beast in Black, but their set was moved to 4:15 am due to how awful the weather had become outside. This allowed for a quick detour to catch Ereb Altor at the rink stage, and they were exactly how I imagined they would be: brooding, heavy, and not fucking around at all as they clobbered the crowd with their Viking black metal. As I was swept away to the good olde days of blood eagles and rule by sword, I found myself wondering why the band didn’t also schedule a few sets for Isole, as the same guys are in both bands. Great show, lost opportunity.

From there we beered up and then caught death metallers Skeletal Remains back in the lounge, and they were appropriately heavy and caveman as fook. Perhaps the caveman shit went too far as they blasted way past their allotted time, and soon thereafter, rumors started spreading that a certain band member was getting hammered and way too touchy-feely with the female cruisers. This ultimately led to him being confined to his cabin and the band getting banned from future 70000 Tons events. After Skeltal Remains decamped, we stayed put in the lounge as up next was none other than the one, the only…Jag Fucking Panzer!! A huge staple of my teen years, these Colorado classic US power metal masters dropped the iconic Ample Destruction back in 1985, and I’ve loved them ever since, but never got to see them live. Because we were hanging around as the band set up, legendary vocalist Harry “the Tyrant” Conklin came over to chat and offered us “Tyrant coins,” which are basically a commemorative Jag Panzer challenge coin. We took them happily, and I tried not to be too fanboyish. I also got to speak with founding guitarist Mark Briody, and he was as nice a guy as there is. When Panzer took the stage, they proceeded to rip the crowd a new one with a string of timeless cuts from Ample Destruction and select gems from their later releases. I was floored by how powerful Tyrant’s voice was live, and this was my highlight of the trip thus far. I was very glad we were dead center front row for this one!

After that unbeatable show, we went back up to the pool deck for Kanonenfieber’s second set at 12;30 am, hoping the rain had finally died down. The fates smiled upon Noise, and the skies held off, allowing them to tear through another set of war-horror-themed Germanic madness with Noise commanding the crowd like a battle-hardened general. Though some of the same songs from the first set were done again, it still seemed like a different event entirely, and aside from the odd clash of the masked, uniformed mauraders and the happy, colorful pool deck decorations, it was an immersive open sea air experience.

Day Three: Arctic Winds

Day three was the first where the bands hit the stages early, with some starting at 10:00 am. We dragged ourselves out of bed, got caffenated and made it to the pool deck to see Hiraes take the stage. I hadn’t hear of this Germanic melodeath act until their frontwoman Britta Görtz appeared in the recent Kreator video for “Tränenpalast.” They had an energetic set, and Britta has a shockingly demonic voice for such a charmingly upbeat, tiny woman. Then it was off to catch Wolf in the vastly superior rink stage, and they once again brought the old school metal thunder and showed the crowd how to pull off guitar-driven 80s metal with a touch of Euro-power.

80s Bay Area techno-thrashers Heathen were up next, and they delivered their typically solid, burly set, with frontman David White doing his hyperactive best to stir the theater crowd to violence. Speaking of Vio-Lence, I spotted a few of them in the crowd returning the favor of support. I especially loved when Heathen busted out “Goblin’s Blade” from their 1987 debut, and that song has aged like fine wine. “Hypnotized” was also as great live as ever, and that song should be considered one of the great thrash epics of all time. As we left the theater, Madam X informed me that the vocalist for Heathen was built much like Noise from Kanonenfieber and might be him. And so began several days of speculation as to who the Kanonenfieber guys were and where they might be on the ship.

After food and a merch shopping break, we caught the immortal NWoBHM legends Satan at the rink deck. Long have I wanted to witness them live, and when I finally got my wish, they were even better than I hoped. The ageless Brian Ross sounded like a 25-year-old, hitting all manner of high register wails and screams, often going beyond what was required by the songs. The band was insanely frenetic in a live setting, with guitarists Russ Tippins and Steve Ramsey putting on a shred clinic, sounding like classic Iron Maiden at double speed. They put on a helluva powerful, no-BS metal show, and Ross is a character as a frontman.3

Off to the pool deck we went, thereafter to catch some of Firewind’s set. I wanted to see Gus G wank his way to the moon in person, and I was not disappointed. I was surprised to see Herbie Langhams wasn’t performing vocals, and instead, former frontman Henning Basse (ex-Brainstorm, ex-Metallium) was there on stage. Together they plowed through mighty tunes like “Ode to Leonidas” and “I Am the Anger,” with Gus showing why he’s considered one of metal’s top axe masters. The weirdo semi-death, kinda-Goth Tribulation were next. Unfortunately, they were derailed by technical issues and lost some equipment in transit, and opened their set 20 minutes late. Even when they finally got going, they were still plagued by sound issues. They did their best, but they didn’t get to present themselves properly, and things were a bit lackluster overall.

Next was the one and only time Madam X and I had to part company, as she was dying to see Beast in Black and I needed to see Jag Panzer’s second set and both went off at the same time. This Panzer set was a “drop the needle” on their classic album Ample Destruction, and I couldn’t miss seeing them run through it from start to finish. This time Jag Panzer got the rink stage, which is far better than the lounge, and once again they brought the crowd to their knees with masterful renditions of cuts like “Licensed to Kill,” “Warfare,” and “Harder Than Steel.” Tyrant again demonstrated the sheer power and force of his ageless pipes, and the band made sure to leave everything on the stage. I even ended up with an official Jag Panzer wristband in the process. Sometimes it’s good to meet your heroes. Madam X was equally blown away by the Beast in Black set, making me wish I had caught that show, too.

From there, I raced to the pool deck to catch Paradise Lost. The long-running lords of Peaceville doom put on a solid if somewhat low-key set, drawing from their vast catalog and collection of styles. It wasn’t the most animated set of the cruise, but the songs sounded great, and Nick Holmes was in good form. I appreciated that they didn’t shy away from their Depeche Lost era either.

After that, Anthrax took the pool deck stage, and lo and behold, bassist Frank Bello was missing in action. In his place was a guy who looked a whole lot like Joey Vera of Armored Saint, Fates Warning, etc. Turns out it was Joey filling in, as Frank had to leave the ship to get to LA to accept his Grammy for best Live Rock performance for Yungblud’s rendition of Black Sabbath’s “Changes” at the Back to the Beginning concert. I have no idea how Frank got off the ship or how they mailed Joey in, but he fit right in, and Anthrax did another classic set, even hitting “Deathrider” from the debut and “In the End” from Worship Music. Queens, NY, represent!

Day Four: Survive and Endure

As the rigors of nonstop metalling slowly began to set in, we arose on day four, opted to eat a quick breakfast, then jumped in a hot tub on the pool deck while they were fresh, clean, and not full of plus-sized, mega-hairy metalheads. Because of our early arrival, we only shared a tub with a very nice Dutch couple, and as we listened to Xandria playing their morning set about 100 feet away, we discussed the Dutch metal scene, the Roadburn festival, and how The Gathering is superior to most other similar acts. Xandria aren’t my cup of tea, and I couldn’t see them from my tub, but they sounded decent enough for a symphonic power metal band.

After tub time, we caught Tyr on the pool deck as they brought Faroian thunder to the high seas. Their burly sound translated well to the setting, and it was all beefy tales of heroism and swordplay, with “By the Sword in My Hand” and “Blood of Heroes” hitting extra hard. It was extra cool to see Jag Panzer’s Mark Briody right up front in the crowd, throwing horns and celebrating the next generation of metal.

Later on, we caught the second set of Satan, and again they burned the stage down around them, then we wandered into the last 15 minutes of Darkane’s set on the pool deck. After that, Madam X convinced me to try Groza’s set, which was a shockingly harrowing blast of misanthropic black metal performed by dudes in hoods who were from Germany. They impressed and furthered the ongoing Kanonenfieber conspiracy mill considerably.

One of the highlights of the event for me was seeing ultimate underdog 80s thrash act Hirax take the stage on the pool deck as the weather turned windy and cold again. Hirax released 2 obscure albums in the mid 80s that I dearly loved because they were so different from everything else out there. Katon Depena was a truly unique vocalist, singing in a strange up and down pattern over short thrashy songs that verged on grindcore. It was both odd and endearing, and my high school friends and I constantly imitated his wonky singing. They were too cult to ever tour near us, so I always wondered what they would be like live. When Hirax stormed the stage, they were everything I expected and then some. Katon was a complete maniac, running all over, climbing the amps, jumping into the crowd, taking a big fur coat from a fan, and rocking it on stage, all as he ripped through a succession of lightning-fast classics. It was one of the craziest sets of the cruise, and the crowd was eating it up. Hail Hirax.

As the ship steered toward the setting sun, Finnish melodoom gods Insomnium took the pool deck stage to deliver a classically melancholic but heavy set as the weather got colder and colder. They were tight, polished, and amusingly enough, complained about how cold it was on the deck. As they started to play “Down With the Sun,” the sun was slowly disappearing below the watery horizon, and with the cold air blowing, it felt like a weirdly Finnish moment on what was billed as a Caribbean cruise.

In the ultimate whiplash kind of switch up, we raced from the Insomnium set to witness Rhapody of Fire launch their nerd-raging dragon power all over the theater stage. As they catapulted into cheddar manufacturing mode, the crowd brandished waves of inflatable swords and hammers like a full-fledged LARP was about to break out. In the middle of the raging orcstorm, vocalist Giacomo Voli went completely bonkers, wailing, screaming, stirring the crowd up, and even stage diving and crowdriding. Somehow, he kept singing as he was held aloft by the rowdy crowd and pummeled with inflatable melee weapons.4 Though I’m not a fan of the band, I couldn’t deny the entertainment factor and the insane charisma of Voli.

The festivities wound down with a 12:30 am Dark Tranquillity set on the pool deck, and as always, Stanne and company were the consummate professionals, doling out the classic melodeath goods as only they can. Stanne sounded superb and in his glory, and the band put on an appropriately massive cap to a great cruise. After their set, Andy, the man behind the whole event, took the stage to thank all who attended and braved the often-bad weather to enjoy the massive metal spectacle. It was a bittersweet moment, as the 4 days flew by in a crazy blur and now were coming to an end.

Final Thoughts:

70000 Tons of Metal is an extremely well-organized and run event, and it was attended by a large assortment of metal fans who came to have a good time and make memories. I saw no fights, no really bad behavior (aside from certain band-related allegations), and was shocked that I saw so few people hammered into an alcoholic stupor. If you haven’t considered making the trip, you should. It can be pricey, but it’s an amazing time and unlike anything else you’ll ever experience. I went expecting it to be something you do once, but now I want to make it a yearly tradition. I highly recommend it, even if you only like half of the scheduled line-up. Thank you to the ever-amazing Madam X for organizing the trip for us and for being the best possible partner to share the insanity with. You complete me.

Funniest Moment:

-When Madam X and I were waiting for an elevator, one opened up, and standing right in front was Brian Ross of Satan. Madam X was star-struck and loudly exclaimed, “SATAN!” Mr. Ross smiled and waved.

-Everyone complaining there was no Kanonenfieber meet and greet.

Bands We Missed:

Vader and Saturnus were cursed with late-night slots we just couldn’t get to. We feel great shame.

Biggest Gripe:

The weird and draconian merch rules made even a simple viewing of the band’s wares a huge hassle.

Biggest Surprise:

I wasn’t even close to being the oldest person there!

Things I’ll Miss the Most: Those stupid little pizzas served at Sorrento’s. They aren’t much different from store-bought frozen pizza, but the stuff becomes addictive after eating it for a few days, like those dumplings in Old Boy.

Post Ship Depression Syndrome:

It’s a real thing. You feel out of sorts and miss the weird pacing and running between sets all day and night.

Way back in 2014, when Madam X and I were still just mutual admirers online, she decided to travel from her home country of South Africa to the US to catch the world-famous 70000 Tons of Metal cruise. This had the added benefit of allowing us to finally meet in person since she was flying into New York, where I worked as a regional warlord at the time. We ended up meeting, totally hitting it off, and yada-yada-yada, we got married and lived happily ever after. It took us way too long to catch a 70000 Tons voyage as a couple, but this year we finally did it! After hearing so much about the 70000 Tons experience from Madam X, other AMG staffers, and various random miscreants, I thought I had a pretty good handle on what to expect. I didn’t. This event is one seriously wild ride, unlike anything else I’ve ever encountered. It’s a strange alternate universe where time is the enemy, yet also seems to lose all meaning. You spend every waking moment running from set to set to catch acts you want to see, and in the little spaces in between, you eat, chug brewskis, and study the scheduling app to plot and plan where to run next. You quickly lose track of the days as you adapt to this new lifestyle, and before long, you start to prefer this kind of existence. It’s a 4-day musical treasure hunt with adventure (and alcohol) available around every corner, and you share all the madcap escapades with thousands of like-minded metal maniacs who all seem equally thrilled to be questing. What could be cooler than that? So what was it like to step aboard as representatives for Angry Metal Guy Industries? This is our story.1

Disembarkment: From Snowbound to Southbound

Mere days before we were scheduled to fly down to Florida, the massive bomb cyclone winter storm dubbed “Fern” clobbered most of the eastern seaboard and dropped 15 inches of snow on our Long Island hometown. This scrambled all the central, southern, and eastern US airports something fierce, and with news of thousands of canceled flights in the days leading up to the cruise, we stressed mightily that we might not make it to Miami to catch the ship. The 70000 Tons group on Facebook was littered with tragic tales of folks getting their flights cancelled multiple times, with some opting to skip the airports entirely and try to make it by car from faraway locales.2 As the Metal Gods willed it, we got to the airport, made it to a not-very-sunny Florida on time without any hassles. We reported to the Port of Miami the next day, and the adventure began!

Day One: The Aclimationing

After going through the boarding process and nominally attending our safety briefing, beers were enjoyed as Madam X and I toured our new home. Freedom of the Seas is a typical cruise ship, but it was immediately apparent that this would not be a typical cruise. Aside from the ocean of black shirts and battle vests, all the music played over the ship’s sound systems was metal. This was a surprisingly satisfying touch, as I always wondered what it would be like to have my preferred genre played in places like supermarkets, dentist offices, and malls. This shit should be normalized outside of a niche metal cruise event. Hell, even when you turned on your cabin’s TV, there was a channel playing videos of the bands on board 24/7, and when you went to the shopping or cruise map channels, the background music was 120% pure metal. Nir-fucking-vana, folks!

As everyone boarded, got settled in, and the initial drinks were drunk, the first bands went off at 5:30. As any good primate would do in such circumstances, I chose Vio-Lence since they’re a beloved band from my youth that I never got to see live during their heyday. Prior to the band taking the stage, a stocky, bald gentleman berated a group of people (myself included) for not wearing ear protection. This was laughed off with good nature, and then I realized the man looking out for our aural health was none other than David White, the vocalist of Heathen. It was cool to see the Heathen dudes there showing support for their fellow San Francisco thrashers, and it was a nice way to kick off the festivities. Vio-Lence came out shortly thereafter and proceeded to destroy everyone with loud, vicious renditions of the material off their timeless debut, Eternal Nightmare. They sounded much heavier than expected, and Sean Killian was a man possessed on stage as he delivered the hyperactive and voluminous vocal lines like it was still 1990. They covered almost all of their debut and tossed in “World in a World” and the Dead Kennedys’ classic “California Über Alles” for extra spice, and I left well impressed by how youthful and powerful they sounded.

From there we ducked in to catch Harakiri for the Sky, and though neither Madam X nor I were very familiar with them, they impressed with their atmospheric post-black sound. They reminded me of Agalloch enough to want to visit their catalog, and Madam X was very much enthralled. From there, it was straight to the big theater to see Soen, and I admit to never being much of a fan. They were polished and professional, but their style of radio-friendly hard rock didn’t really fit with the 70000 Tons vibe, and I was bored pretty quickly, though watching Martin Lopez (ex-Opeth) pound away on his kit was entertaining. Things improved greatly when we went on to catch Cemetery Skyline, the Scandinavian Goth rock supergroup. Though the material on their Nordic Gothic debut isn’t all that much harder than what Soen do, the energy generated by Mikael Stanne and Markus Vanhala (Insomnium, Omnium Gatherum) was off the charts. The band seemed to be having as much or more fun than the very receptive crowd, and Stanne in particular seemed to be thrilled to be there. The set was electric, and the energy from the crowd was palpable.

Next up was Kamelot, and though I’m a huge fan of their early albums, I haven’t loved the post-Silverthrone output much. The band did their best to put on a lively performance, and Tommy Karevik sounded fine, but the setlist, taken mostly from the last 3 albums, was somewhat uninspiring, and we left after 5-6 songs. After taking time to get food and brewskis, we headed back to the theater to see Anthrax. A beloved band from my youth, it had been a long time since I last saw them live, but they acted and sounded much the same, opening with the timeless “A.I.R.” and leaning heavily on their Spreading the Disease and Among the Living classics. At one point, Joey started singing Judas Priest’s “The Ripper” before launching into “Caught in a Mosh,” and Scott Ian dubbed the 70000 Cruise as “the world’s coolest prison.” These olde thrash dawgs can still bring it, and the packed crowd ate it up (I especially loved them busting out “Be all. End All” from their State of Euphoria platter).

Last up for our first night was a 12:30 am set by the weird and mysterious Kanonenfieber. Support for the band was apparent, with numerous folks onboard rocking plastic versions of the Pickelhaube (the WWI era pointy helmet worn by Prussian and German soldiers), and they’ve received a ton of love and overratings from the AMG staff these past few years. Somehow, though, I never completely bought into what band creator Noise was doing. Until I saw it all done live, that is. With a stage covered in sandbags and barbed wire, the masked trench warriors supporting Noise came out in matching WWI period soldiers’ clothing to play a somber, ominous intro before Noise himself burst out dressed in full Kaiser gear as things erupted into full boar black death insanity. While their style can at times come across as heavier, faster Rammstein, there was no denying how much punch they packed live, and Noise is a very animated, maniacal frontman. He had the crowd eating from his hand despite an entire set in German. Sure, the multiple costume changes were a bit over-the-top, but they fit the narrative of the horrors of war. Thus pummeled and pulverized, it was time to call it a day.

Day Two: Any Port in the Storm

Due to the huge storm that was sweeping up the east coast, the Captain decided that the ship would head straight to Nassau on Friday rather than Saturday, so rather than bands taking the stage by 10 am, they would hold off til 5:30, and we would be free to leave the ship in the morning and wander around the island. After a few hours sightseeing, we were ready for more molten metal and eager to see Orden Organ kick things off on the newly constructed pool deck stage. Frontman Seeb was injured before the cruise and unable to make the trip, so the band recruited Marc Lopes (Ross the Boss, ex-Metal Church) to fill in. As the ship headed back out ot sea, the band ripped through the big hits of Ogan’s catalog, opening with the massive “F.E.V.E.R.” Dan sounded powerful and convincing, though between songs, he made it clear he was still learning the songs, so not to judge him too harshly. Minus a few missed vocal lines here and there, he did a fine job, got the crowd involved, and seemed really thrilled to be there. As they tore through hits like “The Things We Believe in,” “The Order of Fear,” and “Heart of the Android,” a cold rain began to fall, and by the end of their set, it was getting pretty heavy on the deck.

We retreated to the safety of the sports bar for liquid courage before having to go back out in the rain 45 minutes later to see the mighty Amorphis. The pool deck stage was an open-air rain debacle as they came out, and even before Tomi could start roaring, he was drenched and waterlogged. Tomi always looks like a pirate, so it worked for him, and the band sounded as great as ever live, though I felt bad for Santeri Kallio having to constantly wipe off his keyboards as the rain crashed down. The set was tight despite the weather, and they hit all the high points, from gems like “Death of a King” and “The Smoke” to going way back to Tales from the Thousand Lakes to uncork “Black Winter Day.” Nothing can stop these all-weather Finns!

From the deluge, we retreated to see Wolf in the Deck 5 lounge, which is essentially a smallish room without any kind of raised stage. Wolf were game about it and delivered a rowdy set of their NWoBHM-meets power metal, but unless you stood directly in front of them, you couldn’t see jack shit. It was still a good show, aurally at least. We left a bit early to get back to the monsoon deck to see Beast in Black, but their set was moved to 4:15 am due to how awful the weather had become outside. This allowed for a quick detour to catch Ereb Altor at the rink stage, and they were exactly how I imagined they would be: brooding, heavy, and not fucking around at all as they clobbered the crowd with their Viking black metal. As I was swept away to the good olde days of blood eagles and rule by sword, I found myself wondering why the band didn’t also schedule a few sets for Isole, as the same guys are in both bands. Great show, lost opportunity.

From there we beered up and then caught death metallers Skeletal Remains back in the lounge, and they were appropriately heavy and caveman as fook. Perhaps the caveman shit went too far as they blasted way past their allotted time, and soon thereafter, rumors started spreading that a certain band member was getting hammered and way too touchy-feely with the female cruisers. This ultimately led to him being confined to his cabin and the band getting banned from future 70000 Tons events. After Skeltal Remains decamped, we stayed put in the lounge as up next was none other than the one, the only…Jag Fucking Panzer!! A huge staple of my teen years, these Colorado classic US power metal masters dropped the iconic Ample Destruction back in 1985, and I’ve loved them ever since, but never got to see them live. Because we were hanging around as the band set up, legendary vocalist Harry “the Tyrant” Conklin came over to chat and offered us “Tyrant coins,” which are basically a commemorative Jag Panzer challenge coin. We took them happily, and I tried not to be too fanboyish. I also got to speak with founding guitarist Mark Briody, and he was as nice a guy as there is. When Panzer took the stage, they proceeded to rip the crowd a new one with a string of timeless cuts from Ample Destruction and select gems from their later releases. I was floored by how powerful Tyrant’s voice was live, and this was my highlight of the trip thus far. I was very glad we were dead center front row for this one!

After that unbeatable show, we went back up to the pool deck for Kanonenfieber’s second set at 12;30 am, hoping the rain had finally died down. The fates smiled upon Noise, and the skies held off, allowing them to tear through another set of war-horror-themed Germanic madness with Noise commanding the crowd like a battle-hardened general. Though some of the same songs from the first set were done again, it still seemed like a different event entirely, and aside from the odd clash of the masked, uniformed mauraders and the happy, colorful pool deck decorations, it was an immersive open sea air experience.

Day Three: Arctic Winds

Day three was the first where the bands hit the stages early, with some starting at 10:00 am. We dragged ourselves out of bed, got caffenated and made it to the pool deck to see Hiraes take the stage. I hadn’t hear of this Germanic melodeath act until their frontwoman Britta Görtz appeared in the recent Kreator video for “Tränenpalast.” They had an energetic set, and Britta has a shockingly demonic voice for such a charmingly upbeat, tiny woman. Then it was off to catch Wolf in the vastly superior rink stage, and they once again brought the old school metal thunder and showed the crowd how to pull off guitar-driven 80s metal with a touch of Euro-power.

80s Bay Area techno-thrashers Heathen were up next, and they delivered their typically solid, burly set, with frontman David White doing his hyperactive best to stir the theater crowd to violence. Speaking of Vio-Lence, I spotted a few of them in the crowd returning the favor of support. I especially loved when Heathen busted out “Goblin’s Blade” from their 1987 debut, and that song has aged like fine wine. “Hypnotized” was also as great live as ever, and that song should be considered one of the great thrash epics of all time. As we left the theater, Madam X informed me that the vocalist for Heathen was built much like Noise from Kanonenfieber and might be him. And so began several days of speculation as to who the Kanonenfieber guys were and where they might be on the ship.

After food and a merch shopping break, we caught the immortal NWoBHM legends Satan at the rink deck. Long have I wanted to witness them live, and when I finally got my wish, they were even better than I hoped. The ageless Brian Ross sounded like a 25-year-old, hitting all manner of high register wails and screams, often going beyond what was required by the songs. The band was insanely frenetic in a live setting, with guitarists Russ Tippins and Steve Ramsey putting on a shred clinic, sounding like classic Iron Maiden at double speed. They put on a helluva powerful, no-BS metal show, and Ross is a character as a frontman.3

Off to the pool deck we went, thereafter to catch some of Firewind’s set. I wanted to see Gus G wank his way to the moon in person, and I was not disappointed. I was surprised to see Herbie Langhams wasn’t performing vocals, and instead, former frontman Henning Basse (ex-Brainstorm, ex-Metallium) was there on stage. Together they plowed through mighty tunes like “Ode to Leonidas” and “I Am the Anger,” with Gus showing why he’s considered one of metal’s top axe masters. The weirdo semi-death, kinda-Goth Tribulation were next. Unfortunately, they were derailed by technical issues and lost some equipment in transit, and opened their set 20 minutes late. Even when they finally got going, they were still plagued by sound issues. They did their best, but they didn’t get to present themselves properly, and things were a bit lackluster overall.

Next was the one and only time Madam X and I had to part company, as she was dying to see Beast in Black and I needed to see Jag Panzer’s second set and both went off at the same time. This Panzer set was a “drop the needle” on their classic album Ample Destruction, and I couldn’t miss seeing them run through it from start to finish. This time Jag Panzer got the rink stage, which is far better than the lounge, and once again they brought the crowd to their knees with masterful renditions of cuts like “Licensed to Kill,” “Warfare,” and “Harder Than Steel.” Tyrant again demonstrated the sheer power and force of his ageless pipes, and the band made sure to leave everything on the stage. I even ended up with an official Jag Panzer wristband in the process. Sometimes it’s good to meet your heroes. Madam X was equally blown away by the Beast in Black set, making me wish I had caught that show, too.

From there, I raced to the pool deck to catch Paradise Lost. The long-running lords of Peaceville doom put on a solid if somewhat low-key set, drawing from their vast catalog and collection of styles. It wasn’t the most animated set of the cruise, but the songs sounded great, and Nick Holmes was in good form. I appreciated that they didn’t shy away from their Depeche Lost era either.

After that, Anthrax took the pool deck stage, and lo and behold, bassist Frank Bello was missing in action. In his place was a guy who looked a whole lot like Joey Vera of Armored Saint, Fates Warning, etc. Turns out it was Joey filling in, as Frank had to leave the ship to get to LA to accept his Grammy for best Live Rock performance for Yungblud’s rendition of Black Sabbath’s “Changes” at the Back to the Beginning concert. I have no idea how Frank got off the ship or how they mailed Joey in, but he fit right in, and Anthrax did another classic set, even hitting “Deathrider” from the debut and “In the End” from Worship Music. Queens, NY, represent!

Day Four: Survive and Endure

As the rigors of nonstop metalling slowly began to set in, we arose on day four, opted to eat a quick breakfast, then jumped in a hot tub on the pool deck while they were fresh, clean, and not full of plus-sized, mega-hairy metalheads. Because of our early arrival, we only shared a tub with a very nice Dutch couple, and as we listened to Xandria playing their morning set about 100 feet away, we discussed the Dutch metal scene, the Roadburn festival, and how The Gathering is superior to most other similar acts. Xandria aren’t my cup of tea, and I couldn’t see them from my tub, but they sounded decent enough for a symphonic power metal band.

After tub time, we caught Tyr on the pool deck as they brought Faroian thunder to the high seas. Their burly sound translated well to the setting, and it was all beefy tales of heroism and swordplay, with “By the Sword in My Hand” and “Blood of Heroes” hitting extra hard. It was extra cool to see Jag Panzer’s Mark Briody right up front in the crowd, throwing horns and celebrating the next generation of metal.

Later on, we caught the second set of Satan, and again they burned the stage down around them, then we wandered into the last 15 minutes of Darkane’s set on the pool deck. After that, Madam X convinced me to try Groza’s set, which was a shockingly harrowing blast of misanthropic black metal performed by dudes in hoods who were from Germany. They impressed and furthered the ongoing Kanonenfieber conspiracy mill considerably.

One of the highlights of the event for me was seeing ultimate underdog 80s thrash act Hirax take the stage on the pool deck as the weather turned windy and cold again. Hirax released 2 obscure albums in the mid 80s that I dearly loved because they were so different from everything else out there. Katon Depena was a truly unique vocalist, singing in a strange up and down pattern over short thrashy songs that verged on grindcore. It was both odd and endearing, and my high school friends and I constantly imitated his wonky singing. They were too cult to ever tour near us, so I always wondered what they would be like live. When Hirax stormed the stage, they were everything I expected and then some. Katon was a complete maniac, running all over, climbing the amps, jumping into the crowd, taking a big fur coat from a fan, and rocking it on stage, all as he ripped through a succession of lightning-fast classics. It was one of the craziest sets of the cruise, and the crowd was eating it up. Hail Hirax.

As the ship steered toward the setting sun, Finnish melodoom gods Insomnium took the pool deck stage to deliver a classically melancholic but heavy set as the weather got colder and colder. They were tight, polished, and amusingly enough, complained about how cold it was on the deck. As they started to play “Down With the Sun,” the sun was slowly disappearing below the watery horizon, and with the cold air blowing, it felt like a weirdly Finnish moment on what was billed as a Caribbean cruise.

In the ultimate whiplash kind of switch up, we raced from the Insomnium set to witness Rhapody of Fire launch their nerd-raging dragon power all over the theater stage. As they catapulted into cheddar manufacturing mode, the crowd brandished waves of inflatable swords and hammers like a full-fledged LARP was about to break out. In the middle of the raging orcstorm, vocalist Giacomo Voli went completely bonkers, wailing, screaming, stirring the crowd up, and even stage diving and crowdriding. Somehow, he kept singing as he was held aloft by the rowdy crowd and pummeled with inflatable melee weapons.4 Though I’m not a fan of the band, I couldn’t deny the entertainment factor and the insane charisma of Voli.

The festivities wound down with a 12:30 am Dark Tranquillity set on the pool deck, and as always, Stanne and company were the consummate professionals, doling out the classic melodeath goods as only they can. Stanne sounded superb and in his glory, and the band put on an appropriately massive cap to a great cruise. After their set, Andy, the man behind the whole event, took the stage to thank all who attended and braved the often-bad weather to enjoy the massive metal spectacle. It was a bittersweet moment, as the 4 days flew by in a crazy blur and now were coming to an end.

Final Thoughts:

70000 Tons of Metal is an extremely well-organized and run event, and it was attended by a large assortment of metal fans who came to have a good time and make memories. I saw no fights, no really bad behavior (aside from certain band-related allegations), and was shocked that I saw so few people hammered into an alcoholic stupor. If you haven’t considered making the trip, you should. It can be pricey, but it’s an amazing time and unlike anything else you’ll ever experience. I went expecting it to be something you do once, but now I want to make it a yearly tradition. I highly recommend it, even if you only like half of the scheduled line-up. Thank you to the ever-amazing Madam X for organizing the trip for us and for being the best possible partner to share the insanity with. You complete me.

Funniest Moment:

-When Madam X and I were waiting for an elevator, one opened up, and standing right in front was Brian Ross of Satan. Madam X was star-struck and loudly exclaimed, “SATAN!” Mr. Ross smiled and waved.

-Everyone complaining there was no Kanonenfieber meet and greet.

Bands We Missed:

Vader and Saturnus were cursed with late-night slots we just couldn’t get to. We feel great shame.

Biggest Gripe:

The weird and draconian merch rules made even a simple viewing of the band’s wares a huge hassle.

Biggest Surprise:

I wasn’t even close to being the oldest person there!

Things I’ll Miss the Most: Those stupid little pizzas served at Sorrento’s. They aren’t much different from store-bought frozen pizza, but the stuff becomes addictive after eating it for a few days, like those dumplings in Old Boy.

Post Ship Depression Syndrome:

It’s a real thing. You feel out of sorts and miss the weird pacing and running between sets all day and night.

Way back in 2014, when Madam X and I were still just mutual admirers online, she decided to travel from her home country of South Africa to the US to catch the world-famous 70000 Tons of Metal cruise. This had the added benefit of allowing us to finally meet in person since she was flying into New York, where I worked as a regional warlord at the time. We ended up meeting, totally hitting it off, and yada-yada-yada, we got married and lived happily ever after. It took us way too long to catch a 70000 Tons voyage as a couple, but this year we finally did it! After hearing so much about the 70000 Tons experience from Madam X, other AMG staffers, and various random miscreants, I thought I had a pretty good handle on what to expect. I didn’t. This event is one seriously wild ride, unlike anything else I’ve ever encountered. It’s a strange alternate universe where time is the enemy, yet also seems to lose all meaning. You spend every waking moment running from set to set to catch acts you want to see, and in the little spaces in between, you eat, chug brewskis, and study the scheduling app to plot and plan where to run next. You quickly lose track of the days as you adapt to this new lifestyle, and before long, you start to prefer this kind of lifestyle. It’s a 4-day musical treasure hunt with adventure (and alcohol) available around every corner, and you share all the madcap escapades with thousands of like-minded metal maniacs who all seem equally thrilled to be questing. What could be cooler than that? So what was it like to step aboard as representatives for Angry Metal Guy Industries? This is our story.1

Disembarkment: From Snowbound to Southbound

Mere days before we were scheduled to fly down to sunny Florida, the massive bomb cyclone winter storm dubbed “Fern” clobbered most of the eastern seaboard and dropped 15 inches of snow on our hometown on Long Island. This scrambled all the central and eastern US airports something fierce, and with news of thousands of canceled flights in the days leading up to the cruise, we stressed mightily that we might not make it to Miami to catch the ship. The 70000 Tons group on Facebook was littered with tragic tales of folks getting their flights cancelled multiple times, with some opting to skip the airports entirely and try to make it by car from faraway locales.2 As the Metal Gods willed it, we got to the airport, made it to a not-very-sunny Florida on time without any hassles. We reported to the Port of Miami the next day, and the adventure began!

Day One: The Aclimationing

After going through the boarding process and nominally attending our safety briefing, beers were enjoyed as Madam X and I toured our new home. Freedom of the Seas is a typical cruise ship, but it was immediately apparent that this would not be a typical cruise. Aside from the ocean of black shirts and battle vests, all the music played over the ship’s sound systems was metal. This was a surprisingly satisfying touch, as I always wondered what it would be like to have my preferred genre played in places like supermarkets, dentist offices, and malls. This shit should be normalized outside of a niche metal cruise event. Hell, even when you turned on your cabin’s TV, there was a channel playing videos of the bands on board 24/7, and when you went to the shopping or cruise map channels, the background music was 120% pure metal. Nir-fucking-vana, folks!

As everyone boarded, got settled in, and the first series of drinks were drunk, the first bands went off at 5:30. As any good primate would do in such circumstances, I chose Vio-Lence since they’re a beloved band from my youth that I never got to see live during their heyday. Prior to the band taking the stage, a stocky, bald gentleman berated a group of people (myself included) for not wearing ear protection. This was laughed off with good nature, and then I realized the man looking out for our aural health was none other than David White, the vocalist of Heathen. It was cool to see the Heathen dudes there showing support for their fellow San Francisco thrashers, and it was a cool way to kick off the festivities. Vio-Lence came out shortly thereafter and proceeded to destroy everyone with loud, vicious renditions of the material off their timeless debut, Eternal Nightmare. They sounded much heavier than expected, and Sean Killian was a man possessed on stage as he delivered the hyperactive and voluminous vocal lines like it was still 1990. They covered almost all of their debut and tossed in “World in a World” and the Dead Kennedys’ classic “California Über Alles” for extra spice, and I left well impressed by how youthful and powerful they sounded.

From there we ducked in to catch Harakiri for the Sky, and though neither Madam X nor I were very familiar with them, they impressed with their atmospheric post-black sound. They reminded me of Agalloch enough to want to visit their catalog, and Madam X was very much enthralled. From there, it was straight to the big theater to see Soen, and I admit to never being much of a fan. They were polished and professional, but their style of radio-friendly hard rock didn’t really fit with the 70000 Tons vibe, and I was bored pretty quickly, though watching Martin Lopez (ex-Opeth) pound away on his kit was entertaining. Things improved greatly when we ducked out to catch Cemetery Skyline, the Scandinavian Goth rock supergroup. Though the material on their Nordic Gothic debut isn’t all that much harder than what Soen do, the energy generated by Mikael Stanne and Markus Vanhala (Insomnium, Omnium Gatherum) was off the charts. The band seemed to be having as much or more fun than the very receptive crowd, and Stanne in particular seemed to be thrilled to be there. The set was electric, and the energy from the crowd was palpable.

Next up was Kamelot, and though I’m a huge fan of their early albums, I haven’t loved the post-Silverthrone output much. The band did their best to put on a lively performance, and Tommy Karevik sounded fine, but the setlist, taken mostly from the last 3 albums, was somewhat uninspiring, and we left after 5-6 songs. After taking time to get food and brewskis, we headed back to the theater to see Anthrax. A beloved band from my youth, it had been a long time since I last saw them live, but they acted and sounded much the same, opening with the timeless “A.I.R.” and leaning heavily on their Spreading the Disease and Among the Living classics. At one point, Joey started singing Judas Priest’s “The Ripper” before launching into “Caught in a Mosh,” and Scott Ian dubbed the 70000 Cruise as “the world’s coolest prison.” These olde thrash dawgs can still bring it, and the packed crowd ate it up (I especially loved them busting out “Be all. End All” from their State of Euphoria platter).

Last up for our first night was a 12:30 am set by the weird and mysterious Kanonenfieber. Support for the band was apparent, with numerous folks onboard rocking plastic versions of the Pickelhaube (the WWI era pointy helmet worn by Prussian and German soldiers), and they’ve received a ton of love and overratings from the AMG staff these past few years. Somehow, though, I never completely bought into what band creator Noise was doing. Until I saw it all done live, that is. With a stage covered in sandbags and barbed wire, the masked trench warriors supporting Noise came out in matching WWI period soldiers’ clothing to play a somber, ominous intro before Noise himself burst out dressed in full Kaiser gear as things erupted into full boar black death insanity. While their style can at times come across as heavier, faster Rammstein, there was no denying how much punch they packed live, and Noise is a very animated, maniacal frontman. He had the crowd eating from his hand despite an entire set in German. Sure, the multiple costume changes were a bit over-the-top, but they fit the narrative of the horrors of war. Thus pummeled and pulverized, it was time to call it a day.

Day Two: Any Port in the Storm

Due to the huge storm that was sweeping up the east coast, the Captain decided that the ship would head straight to Nassau on Friday rather than Saturday, so rather than bands taking the stage by 10 am, they would hold off til 5:30, and wewould be free to leave the ship in the morning and wander around the island. After a few hours sightseeing, we were ready for more molten metal and eager to see Orden Organ kick things off on the newly constructed pool deck stage. Frontman Seeb was injured before the cruise and unable to make the trip, so the band recruited Marc Lopes (Ross the Boss, ex-Metal Church) to fill in. As the ship headed back out ot sea, the band ripped through the big hits of Ogan’s catalog, opening with the massive “F.E.V.E.R.” Dan sounded powerful and convincing, though between songs, he made it clear he was still learning the songs, so not to judge him too harshly. Minus a few missed vocal lines here and there, he did a fine job, got the crowd involved, and seemed really thrilled to be there. As they tore through hits like “The Things We Believe in,” “The Order of Fear,” and “Heart of the Android,” a cold rain began to fall, and by the end of their set, it was getting pretty heavy on the deck.

We retreated to the safety of the sports bar for liquid courage before having to go back out in the rain 45 minutes later to see the mighty Amorphis. The pool deck stage was an open-air rain debacle as they took the stage, and even before Tomi could start roaring, he was drenched and waterlogged. Tomi always looks like a pirate, so it worked for him, and the band sounded as great as ever live, though I felt bad for Santeri Kallio having to constantly wipe off his keyboards as the rain crashed down. The set was tight despite the weather, and they hit all the high points, from gems like “Death of a King” and “The Smoke” to going way back to Tales from the Thousand Lakes to uncork “Black Winter Day.” Nothing can stop these all-weather Finns!

From the deluge, we retreated to see Wolf in the Deck 5 lounge, which is essentially a smallish room without any kind of raised stage. Wolf were game about it and delivered a rowdy set of their NWoBHM-meets power metal, but unless you stood directly in front of them, you couldn’t see jack shit. It was still a good show, aurally at least. We left a bit early to get back to the monsoon deck to see Beast in Black, but their set was moved to 4:15 am due to how awful the weather had become outside. This allowed for a quick detour to catch Ereb Altor at the rink stage, and they were exactly how I imagined they would be: brooding, heavy, and not fucking around at all as they clobbered the crowd with their Viking black metal. As I was swept away to the good olde days of blood eagles and rule by sword, I found myself wondering why the band didn’t also schedule a few sets for Isole, as the same guys are in both bands. Great show, lost opportunity.

From there we beered up and then caught Skeletal Remains back in the lounge, and they were appropriately heavy and caveman as fook. Perhaps the caveman shit went too far as they blasted way past their allotted time, and soon thereafter, rumors started spreading that a certain band member was getting hammered and way too touchy-feely with the female cruisers. This ultimately led to his being confined to his cabin and the band being banned from future 70000 Tons events. After Skeltal Remains decamped, we stayed put in the lounge as up next was none other than the one, the only…Jag Fucking Panzer!! A huge staple of my teen years, these Colorado classic US power metal masters dropped the iconic Ample Destruction back in 1985, and I’ve loved them ever since, but never got to see them live. Because we were hanging around as the band set up, legendary vocalist Harry “the Tyrant” Conklin came over to chat and offered us “Tyrant coins,” which are basically a commemorative Jag Panzer challenge coin. We took them happily and I tried not to be too fanboyish. I also got to speak with founding guitarist Mark Briody, and he was as nice a guy as there is. When Panzer took the stage, they proceeded to rip the crowd a new one with a string of timeless cuts from Ample Destruction and select gems from their later releases. I was floored by how powerful Tyrant’s voice was live, and this was my highlight of the trip thus far. I was very glad we were dead center front row for this one!

After that unbeatable show, we went back up to the pool deck for Kanonenfieber’s second set at 12;30 am, hoping the rain had finally died down. The fates smiled upon Noise, and the skies held off, allowing them to tear through another set of war-horror-themed Germanic madness with Noise commanding the crowd like a battle-hardened general. Though some of the same songs from the first set were done again, it still seemed like a different event entirely, and aside from the odd clash of the masked, uniformed mauraders and the happy, colorful pool deck decorations, it was an immersive open sea air experience.

Day Three: Arctic Winds

Day three was the first where the bands hit the stages early, with some starting at 10:00 am. We dragged ourselves out of bed, got caffenated and made it to the pool deck to see Hiraes take the stage. I hadn’t hear of this Germanic melodeath act until their frontwoman Britta Görtz appeared in the recent Kreator video for “Tränenpalast.” They had an energetic set, and Britta has a shockingly demonic voice for such a charmingly upbeat, tiny woman. Then it was off to catch Wolf in the vastly superior rink stage, and they once again brought the old school metal thunder and showed the crowd how to pull off guitar-driven 80s metal with a touch of Euro-power.

80s Bay Area techno-thrashers Heathen were up next, and they delivered their typically solid, burly set, with frontman David White doing his hyperactive best to stir the theater crowd to violence. Speaking of Vio-Lence, I spotted a few of them in the crowd returning the favor of support. I especially loved when Heathen busted out “Goblin’s Blade” from their 1987 debut, and that song has aged like fine wine. “Hypnotized” was also as great live as ever, and that song should be considered one of the great thrash epics of all time. As we left the theater, Madam X informed me that the vocalist for Heathen was built much like Noise from Kanonenfieber and might be him. And so began several days of speculation as to who the Kanonenfieber guys were and where they might be on the ship.

After food and a merch shopping break, we caught the immortal NWoBHM legends Satan at the rink deck. Long have I wanted to witness them live, and when I finally got my wish, they were even better than I hoped. The ageless Brian Ross sounded like a 25-year-old, hitting all manner of high register wails and screams, often going beyond what was required by the songs. The band was insanely frenetic in a live setting, with guitarists Russ Tippins and Steve Ramsey putting on a shred clinic, sounding like classic Iron Maiden at double speed. They put on a helluva powerful, no-BS metal show, and Ross is a character as a frontman.3

Off to the pool deck we went, thereafter to catch some of Firewind’s set. I wanted to see Gus G wank his way to the moon in person, and I was not disappointed. I was surprised to see Herbie Langhams was performing vocals, and instead, former frontman Henning Basse (ex-Brainstorm, ex-Metallium) was there on stage. Together they plowed through mighty tunes like “Ode to Leonidas” and “I Am the Anger,” with Gus showing why he’s considered one of metal’s top axe masters. The weirdo semi-death, kinda-Goth Tribulation were next. Unfortunately, they were derailed by technical issues and lost some equipment in transit, and opened their set 20 minutes late. Even when they finally got going, they were still plagued by sound issues. They did their best, but they didn’t get to present themselves properly, and things were a bit lackluster overall.

Next was the one and only time Madam X and I had to part company, as she was dying to see Beast in Black and I needed to see Jag Panzer’s second set and both went off at the same time. This Panzer set was a “drop the needle on their classic album Ample Destruction, and I couldn’t miss seeing them run through that from start to finish. This time Jag Panzer got the rink stage, which is far better than the lounge, and once again they brought the crowd to their knees with masterful renditions of cuts like “Licensed to Kill,” “Warfare,” and “Harder Than Steel.” Tyrant once again demonstrated the sheer power and force of his ageless pipes, and they made sure to leave everything on the stage. I even ended up with an official Jag Panzer wristband in the process. Sometimes it’s good to meet your heroes. Madam X was equally blown away by the Beast in Black set, making me wish I had caught that, too.

From there, I raced to the pool deck to catch Paradise Lost. The long-running lords of Peaceville doom put on a solid if somewhat low-key set, drawing from their vast catalog and collection of styles. It wasn’t the most animated set of the cruise, but the songs sounded great, and Nick Holmes was in good form. I appreciated that they didn’t shy away from their Depeche Lost era either.

After that, Anthrax took the pool deck stage, and lo and behold, bassist Frank Bello was missing in action. In his place was a guy who looked a whole lot like Joey Vera of Armored Saint, Fates Warning, etc. Turns out it was Joey filling in, as Frank had to leave the ship to get to LA to accept his Grammy for best Live Rock performance for Yungblud’s rendition of Black Sabbath’s “Changes” at the Back to the Beginning concert. I have no idea how Frank got off the ship or how they mailed Joey in, but he fit right in, and Anthrax did another classic set, even dropping in “Deathrider” from the debut and “In the End” from Worship Music. Queens, NY, represent!

Day Four: Survive and Endure

As the rigors of nonstop metalling slowly began to set in, we arose on day four, opted to eat a quick breakfast, then jumped in a hot tub on the pool deck while they were fresh, clean, and not full of plus-sized, mega-hairy metalheads. Because of our early arrival, we only shared a tub with a very nice Dutch couple, and as we listened to Xandria playing their morning set about 100 feet away, we discussed the Dutch metal scene, the Roadburn festival, and how The Gathering is superior to most other similar acts. Xandria aren’t my cup of tea, and I couldn’t see them from my tub, but they sounded decent enough for a symphonic power metal band.

After tub time, we caught Tyr on the pool deck as they brought Faroian thunder to the high seas. Their burly sound translated well to the setting, and it was all beefy tales of heroism and swordplay, with “By the Sword in My Hand” and “Blood of Heroes” hitting extra hard. It was extra cool to see Jag Panzer’s Mark Briody right up front in the crowd, throwing horns and celebrating the next generation of metal.

Later on, we caught the second set of Satan, and again they burned the stage down around them, then we wandered into the last 15 minutes of Darkane’s set on the pool deck. After that, Madam X convinced me to try Groza’s set, which was a shockingly harrowing blast of misanthropic black metal performed by dudes in hoods who were from Germany. They impressed and furthered the ongoing Kanonenfieber conspiracy mill considerably.

One of the highlights of the event for me was seeing ultimate underdog 80s thrash act Hirax take the stage on the pool deck as the weather turned windy and cold again. Hirax released 2 obscure albums in the mid 80s that I dearly loved because they were so different from everything else out there. Katon Depena was a truly unique vocalist, singing in a strange up and down pattern over short thrashy songs that verged on grindcore. It was both odd and endearing, and my high school friends and I constantly imitated his wonky singing. They were too cult to ever tour near us, so I always wondered what they would be like live. When Hirax stormed the stage, they were everything I expected and then some. Katon was a complete maniac, running all over, climbing the amps, jumping into the crowd, taking a big fur coat from a fan, and rocking it on stage, all as he ripped through a succession of lightning-fast classics. It was one of the craziest sets of the cruise, and the crowd was eating it up. Hail Hirax.

As the ship steered toward the setting sun, Finnish melodoom gods Insomnium took the pool deck stage to deliver a classically melancholic but heavy set as the weather got colder and colder. They were tight, polished, and amusingly enough, complained about how cold it was on the deck. As they started to play “Down With the Sun,” the sun was slowly disappearing below the watery horizon, and with the cold air blowing, it felt like a weirdly Finnish moment on what was billed as a Caribbean cruise.

In the ultimate whiplash kind of switch up, we raced from the Insomnium set to catch Rhapody of Fire launch their nerd-raging dragon power all over the theater stage. As they catapulted into cheddar manufacturing mode, the crowd brandished waves of inflatable swords and hammers like a full-fledged LARP was about to break out. In the middle of the raging orcstorm, vocalist Giacomo Voli went completely bonkers, wailing, screaming, stirring the crowd up, and even stage diving and crowdriding. Somehow, he kept singing as he was held aloft by the rowdy crowd and pummeled with inflatable melee weapons.4 Though I’m not a fan of the band, I couldn’t deny the entertainment factor and the insane charisma of Voli.

The festivities wound down with a 12:30 am Dark Tranquillity set on the pool deck, and as always, Stanne and company were the consummate professionals, doling out the classic melodeath goods as only they can. Stanne sounded superb and in his glory, and the band put on an appropriately massive cap to a great cruise. After their set, Andy, the man behind the whole event, took the stage to thank all who attended and braved the often-bad weather to enjoy the massive metal spectacle. It was a bittersweet moment, as the 4 days flew by in a crazy blur and now were coming to an end.

Final Thoughts:

70000 Tons of Metal is an extremely well-organized and run event, and it was attended by a large assortment of metal fans who came to have a good time and make memories. I saw no fights, no really bad behavior (aside from certain band-related allegations), and was shocked that I saw so few people hammered into an alcoholic stupor. If you haven’t considered making the trip, you should. It can be pricey, but it’s an amazing time and unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced. I went expecting it to be something you do once, but now I want to make it a yearly tradition. I highly recommend it, even if you only like half of the scheduled line-up. Thank you to the ever-amazing Madam X for organizing the trip for us and for being the best possible partner to share the insanity with. You complete me.

Funniest Moment:

-When Madam X and I were waiting for an elevator, one opened up, and standing right in front was Brian Ross of Satan. Madam X was star-struck and loudly exclaimed, “SATAN!” Mr. Ross smiled and waved.

-Everyone complaining there was no Kanonenfieber meet and greet.

Band We Missed:

Vader and Saturnus were cursed with late-night slots we just couldn’t get to. We feel great shame.

Biggest Gripe:

The weird and draconian merch rules made even a simple viewing of the band’s wares a huge hassle.

Biggest Surprise:

I wasn’t even close to being the oldest person there!

Post Ship Depression Syndrome:

It’s a real thing. You feel out of sorts and miss the weird pacing and running between sets all day and night.

Dropped some #zines off at Mindset Boardshop in Sarasota. The owner, Ryan, just moved here a year ago, is into #PunkRock and sometimes uses the parking lot behind his shop as a place for bands to play. I’m so excited to share this stuff with folks in town who have no idea about Sarasota’s #PunkPast.
#ParadiseLost #skateboarding #Florida #LocalHistory #OralHistory #PrintMedia #IndependentPublishing

She's done! Looks way better in print, but I've got the digital flipbook version linked in my blog. If you read it, I'd love it if you left a comment afterward.

"Paradise Lost: Sarasota, Florida Hardcore & Punk Scene 1980s-1990s" is an interview zine about memory and subculture in the face of urban renewal. 68 pages, color cover, b&w interior.

https://shotgunseamstress.blogspot.com/

#zines #printedmatter #printmatters #independentpublishing #fuckice #florida #punk #hardcore #ParadiseLost

Before I was press-ganged into the Skull Pit, I, Ferox, began curating an exercise playlist named Heavy Moves Heavy. For a decade, I alone reaped the benefits of this creation–many were the hours spent preening aboard my Squat Yacht, mixing oils so that I could marvel at the glistening gainz unlocked by the List. My indentured servitude is your good fortune, because a new and improved version of the Heavy Moves Heavy playlist is now available to all readers of AMG in good standing.1 The lifters among us have spent countless hours in the Exercise Oubliette testing these songs for tensile strength and ideological purity. Enjoy–but don’t listen if you are being screened for PEDs in the near future. This music will cause your free testosterone levels to skyrocket even as it adds length and sheen to your back pelt. ~ Ferox

A year has passed, and now the barbell of honour has been placed on my (regrettably smaller) shoulders as Ferox steps back from the AMG side-quest to focus on his main story. Our leader may be absent, but our search for gains continues with an otherwise full house and new recruits to boot. The songs that guided and shaped our workouts are compiled here in a playlist guaranteed to boost yours, whether you listen on shuffle or straight the way through.1 So what are you waiting for? Down your pre-workout, grab your straps and your knee-sleeves, and get ready to get massive. ~ Thus Spoke

Thus Spoke Enters Muscle Mommy Mode:

“Silence like the Grave” // Paradise Lost (Ascension) – Straightforwardly solid, catchy, sharp, with a killer atmosphere. Insta-playlist save when the single dropped. Paradise Lost back on top-form and just time to give you the energy for moving heavy things.

“Magnolia” // Deafheaven (Lonely People with Power) – Oh yeah, I’m dead serious. Sorry not sorry to any haters out there. This is four minutes and change of unqualified emotion and racing thoughts and it gets my blood running hot every damn time.

“Against the Dying of the Light” // Dormant Ordeal (Tooth and Nail) – Unironically motivating in a way presumably not intended. Just when you want to quit, that roar of “raaage, RAAAAAAGGGE,” and the impeccable drum and guitar work come in to see you through.

“Condemnesia” // Cytotoxin (Biographyte) – The devastation of a currently-occurring nuclear disaster—complete with a frantically clicking geiger counter and a witness’ agonised moans—portrayed through slick, punchy tech-death. Do I need to explain?

“Perfida Contracçao do Aço” // Filii Nigrantium Infernalium (Perfida Contracçao do Aço) – I wouldn’t normally go for something like this; the vocals are kind of horrible. But the energetic ridiculousness is so fucking feral it takes you beyond pumped and into crazed maniac territory; which is obviously ideal for the gym.

“DNA (Do Not Amputate)” // To the Grave (Still) – Mean, melodic, and with a message, there’s nothing about this that doesn’t work while lifting. If I’m going to include any deathcore in the playlist at all, then it has to be To the Grave.

“Eunuch Maker” // Depravity (Bestial Possession) – If your resting-murder-face, hoodie, and headphones aren’t enough to keep people from having the audacity to speak to you, then listening to this could help. It’s massive, and fun as hell, and will make you look extra mean through osmosis, I guarantee.

“Architects of Extinction” // Psycroptic (Architects of Extinction) – Banger alert. The change in vocals makes this a smidge less strong than it otherwise would be, but c’mon; a riff that good has got to be anabolic.

“Amaranth” // Nephylim (Circuition) – My dopamine-fixation song for the best part of a month. It’s uplifting, it’s catchy, it’s infinitely replayable. What more do you want?

“Natural Law” // Primitive Man (Observance) – It’s not too long, it’s a very important, massive chunk of overwhelming heaviness that makes me feel ten times the size and heft I actually am. You can get through all three (or however many) sets with spare time to admire the pump.

“Deathless” // Phobocosm (Gateway) – Monstrous, massive, intense. Fast and furious isn’t always it; more and more, I crave slow, oppressive, and malevolent. It’s just what I crave to dig deeper.

“1918 Pt 3: ADE (A duty to escape)” // 1914 (Viribus Unitis) – It took less than a single complete playthrough for this to end up on this list. It’s heavy enough for leg day, and it’s atmospheric and moving in that perfect way that helps you dissociate from how much your body hurts. I’ve had it on repeat through many a tough session since.

Kenstrosity Bursts Through His Own Workout Gear:

“Rot in the Pit” // Depravity (Bestial Possession) – If there was ever a song that eradicated mental blocks to that next rep, that next PR, that next push, it’s “Rot in the Pit.” Boasting mountain-moving swagger and a center riff that risks greater injury to my body than any ego lift could ever approach, Depravity penned a bona fide gymstormer with “Rot in the Pit.”

“Summoning Sickness” // Pedestal for Leviathan (Enter: Vampyric Manifestation) – Imagine getting legs so powerful and swole they force your gait to change—but you’re doing it in the basement of your Transylvanian vampire castle with Igor loading up weights on the bar for your next PR. That’s what “Summoning Sickness” feels like when I’m pushing

“Nachthexe” // Bianca (Bianca) – You wouldn’t expect something that dabbles so heavily in atmosphere to possess such meaty muscle as this, but Bianca’s “Nachthexe” proves the might of the sleeper build. Once they take of the airy, soft pump cover, a devastating topology of deadly power ripples just under the skin.

“The Insufferable Weight” // Barren Path (Grieving) – Don’t let the lighter weights I’m lugging around fool you. Volume days are fucking brutal, and a challenge for both my mind and my body. Barren Path’s “The Insufferable Weight” adrenalizes me with it’s speed and brutal rhythms just enough to survive those endless reps.

“Granfalloon” // Unbirth (Asomatous Besmirchment) – Unbirth is the pool from which some the nastiest, grooviest, and most deceptively complex riffs spawn. This is great fodder for those compound movements that build strength and density. You could pick anything off of Asomatous Besmirchment for such gains, but my preference is “Granfalloon.”

“Kollaps” // Jordsjuk (Naglet til livet) – Black metal? For the gym? You fucking bet. Guaranteed to pull you back from the brink of absolute failure, Jordsjuk’s “Kollaps” thrashes and shimmers with enough vibrancy and verve to make whatever load I’m pushing feel like light weight.

“Infestis” // Igorrr (Amen) – You wouldn’t expect something as weird and wacky as Igorrr to fit in the land of iron and steel, but here we are. With stomping riffs and vicious roars, “Infestis” is top tier workout gear. Great for keeping pace and supporting breath control, you’ll find much progress with Igorrr by your side.

“Flashback (ft. Strawberry Hospital)” // Blind Equation (A Funeral in Purgatory) – Every year I open up one slot for those high intensity workouts where cardio and strength meet. This year, my spotter cheering me on when I’m doing sprints and weighted jumps is Blind Equation’s intense and lightning-fast “Flashback.” Gotta go fast!!!

“Leave the Flesh Behind” // Ashen (Leave the Flesh Behind) – Probably the underdog in the litter, Ashen’s “Leave the Flesh” behind is all muscle, and a mountain of it at that. These riffs represent both the immovable object and the unstoppable force. One day, I hope to be like them.

“12 Worm Wounds” // Death Whore (Blood Washes Everything Away) – It was difficult to narrow down a selection from Death Whore’s lean and mean debut, but I keep coming back to the swaggering riffs of “12 Worm Wounds” went I need motivation for that next lift. It just makes everything I’m doing seem like the most fun I’ll ever have.

“The Fire in Which We Burn” // …and Oceans (The Regeneration Itinerary) – Boasting what I consider to be the single best black metal riff of 2025, …and Oceans greatly surprised me with a swaggering barnstormer of a track ready made to stoke the fire in my chest for a second wind. Hand me another set of plates, it’s time to go up for one more set!

“Never Difiled” // Serenity in Murder (Timeless Reverie) – Who needs to spell correctly when you have hundreds of pounds to push on the bar? This is the question I ask whenever the adrenaline-soaked “Never Difiled” plays as I rack up the plates for my next set. Nobody’s ever been able to give me an answer.

“The Twisted Helix” // Mutagenic Host (The Diseased Machine) – They say genetics play a huge role in what kind of gains you can expect to achieve naturally in the gym. Well, I’m an ectomorph so it’s tough—and takes a lot more time—to build and maintain muscle. The solution? Twist my helixes and instantly quadruple my gains. Mutagenic Host’s “The Twisted Helix” is just the tool for the job!

“+++Engine Kill+++” // Ruinous Power (EXTREME DANGER: Prototype Weaponry) – Sometimes you just need something threatening to rip the rails right off the track to hype you up for a grueling session. That’s what songs like Ruinous Power’s “+++Engine Kill+++” are for. Short, to the point, and vicious, it will get your blood surging and your body raring to go.

“Femto’s Theme” // Flummox (Southern Progress) – Something so theatrical doesn’t sound like a natural fit when working out, but the sheer heft and chunky rhythms of Flummox’s “Femto’s Theme” defies those expectations. I’ve been using it for leg days and the results are crazy town! Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself!

Steel Druhm Trains His Ape Arms to Crush the Empire State Building:

“Abandoned Feretrum” // Sepulchral (Beneath the Shroud) – Blending old school black and death noise, Sepulchral mainline pure badger adrenaline and rattlesnake venom into your major muscle groups. Handle those power chugs with care, Brah.

“Necrobotic Enslavement” // Glorious Depravity (Death Never Sleeps) – Taking discarded Morbid Angel riffs and repurposing them to turn a peaceful man rabid is why we have science. Take 2 doses of “Necrobotic Enslavement” 30 minutes before throwing 45 lb plates at people who sit on exercise machines and chat.

“A Scream in the Snow” // Black Soul Horde (Symphony of Chaos) – Trve metal can embiggen the innate desire for strength and raw power like no other, and “A Scream in the Snow” will have you swinging olympic bars to get that sword arm ready for bloody constraint and weightroom glory.

“Eyes on Six” // Biohazard (Divided We Fall) – Loudmouthed tough guys from Brooklyn scream at you to watch your back as they try to snap it with angry riffs and bad attitudes. This is for the caveman living in your reptile brain.

“Carry On” // Nite (Cult of the Serpent Sun) – Badass riffs and Manowar-esque demands that you carry on despite hardships are the crucial things that separate a routine workout from a Herculean trial that transforms you. Carry on to bigness.

“Crusaders” // Starlight Ritual (Rogue Angels) – A dirty, greasy 80s metal anthem that sounds like proto-Iron Maiden is what you need to evolve from tubby baby to a fucking WRATHCHILD. Join this crusade and tip your templar.

“Iron Sign” // Ambush (Evil in All Dimensions) – Unraveling the Riddle of Steel requires a long, hard journey guided only by iron signs. This cut will set you on the right path toward your ferric destiny.

“Bending the Steel” // Ambush (Evil in All Dimensions) – If you’re out there bending the steel, why not get moral support from Ambush with this massive aggressive dose of testosterone and primal motivation? When the singer shouts, “Let’s go, boys!” you’ll feel your strength grow 3 times (plus two!). With an iron will, you gotta keep bending the steel!

“Garuda (Eater of Snakes)” // Brainstorm (Plague of Rats) – Brainstorm write heavy metal for leg day, and Garuda is your feathery guardian iron eagle compelling you to crush that feeble PB. The strong can tell their eagle where to fly and what snakes to eat.

“Beyond Enemy Lines” // Brainstorm (Plague of Rats) – Brainstorm ain’t done with you by a damn sight! If the thundering drums and beefy riffs here don’t get you chalked up and ready for iron warfare, you should take up underwater doily knitting.

Steel-Jacketed Olden Bonus:

“Spark to the Flame” // Winter’s Bane (Redivivus) – One of the greatest gym/workout songs EVER. Lyrics that speak of creating a better version of yourself as you burn in the crucible of effort will help you rise high as those burly riffs hammer your inner coward into moist gum paste.

Grin Reaper Gets Down with the Fitness:

“No Pain, No Gain” // Majestica (Power Train) – Metals of Power and Heft are a must for my workouts, especially stretching and pre-lifting calisthenics. Majestica’s cheesy anthem is perfect montage-fodder, and even though the track is rife with clichéd chestnuts, it features kinetic hooks that gird my gears for what’s to come.

“Storm the Gates” // Soulfly (Chama) – Once I’m limbered up, it’s time to sweat. Max and the boys’ bouncy grooves peddle just the right combination of chest-thumping swagger and ferocity to make sure my next rep sets the tone for a simmering sesh of glorious gainz.

“Skullbattering” // Werewolves (The Ugliest of All) – There’s no better way to keep momentum hurtling forward than with a good ol’ fashioned ode to smashing braincases. Setting the right tone for a workout is paramount, and here Werewolves does not fuck around. There’s nothing pretty or flowery about “Skullbattering,” but if swole is your goal, you need to exorcise the Ugly.

“Anodyne Rust” // Blood Red Throne (Siltskin) – I hurt my shoulder a few years ago, and though stretching and (prescribed) drugs didn’t help much, bulking up did. Exercise slipped out of my routine as work and family commitments grew (as did my waistline), but as I’ve recently knocked the Rust off my dumbbells, I’m reminded of the palliative restoration that comes from pumping iron and death metal.

“Ravenous Leech” // Guts (Nightmare Fuel) – Scuzzy, groovy, and unapologetically fun, Nightmare Fuel is filled to the gills with mid-paced chugs that make a great soundtrack for AMRAP workouts. While most of Guts’ bloody remnants will Fuel your workout, spinning “Ravenous Leech” is sure to leave you hungry for even more punishment.

“By Lead or Steel” // Barbarous (Initium Mors) – Does Cannibal Corpse feature heavily in your gym listening? If so, consider Barbarous, who channels similar vibes and vitriol with less viscera. It’ll make you want to drink motör oil and punch babies, and that’s the kind of shove you need when you’re out on swole patrol.2

“Kaltfront” // Eisbrecher (Kaltfront) – Something about heavy distortion, dance-adjacent electronics, and gravelly vocals makes ‘New German Hardness’ prime listening for calculated and efficient movements. With near imperceptible head bops and a commitment to perfect form, this “Kaltfront” leaves me focused and hard as a block of ice.

“Hope Terminator” // Cytotoxin (Biographyte) – Plenty of great death metal jams spurn gym-list inclusion with slow-build intros, not getting to proper stankin’ until they’re well into the track. Cytotoxin knows better, immediately flaying you with technicality. “Hope Terminator’ is the perfect mid-playlist piece to curb fatigue and keep your spirit engorged.

“Let There Be Oblivion” // Ade (Supplicium) – Rome’s Ade lays down a banger of a riff on “Let There Be Oblivion,” and it’s long and strong enough to push me through a set or two. If I’m struggling during a workout, whether in motivation or physically, I need every ounce of energy I can muster, and songs like this one can be the tipping point.

“Blinding Oblivion” // Depravity (Bestial Possession) – Like Guts’ Nightmare Fuel, Bestial Possession boasts track after track of gym-ready scorchers. I chose “Blinding Oblivion” 1. to maintain consistency with “Let There Be Oblivion” and 2. because something about the subtle melody in the song gives it an air of refreshment that I need as the demands of my workout ramp to a frothing climax.

“Elevator Operator” // Electric Callboy (Elevator Operator) – It’s dumb, it’s trite, and it’s so devastatingly catchy that it sticks in my head for days on end. Most importantly, it makes me want to move things up and down, and I won’t apologize for that.

“Sunlight Covenant” // Spire of Lazarus (Those Who Live in Death) – I don’t dabble in deathcore often, but when I do, it’s usually technical, symphonic, and anthemic. Spire of Lazarus crafts just the right blend of their core components to make “Sunlight Covenant” a certified HMH banger. As a bonus, try to time it so that the track hits on your last set of the day—the melody and backing swells make a triumphant send-off as you clinch the last rep and wipe down the bench. You wiped the bench, right?

“Fossilized” // Ültra Raptör (Fossilized) – This song has stayed close since I first laid ears on it, and not once has it failed to engage the hype machine. Whether warming up, working out, or cooling down, the classic retro riffs and sunglasses-at-night nonchalance define a cool I strive for, and motivation like that is the key to gainz.

Dolph Does Heavy This Time:3

“Mortuary Rites” // Mörtual (Altar of Brutality) – Blood boils fastest with a roto-tom take off followed by a death-thrash pummel. As churning pit energy converts to flared nostrils, focused vision, and engorged fibers at the crack of a incessant stick, find a slow and steady breath as your body prepares for war.

“Tlazolteotl” // Kalaveraztekah (Nikan Axkan) – The beat of a clanging snare threatens whatever weighted structure exists in your path. “Tlazolteotl” marches ever forward through growling twists, hardwood clack, and flute-led guitar abandon. A brief respite of acoustics awaits—but so does the real bulk of this journey.

“Black Scrawl” // Pupil Slicer (Fleshwork) – Feedback, growling bass, pneumatic kicks, and an urgent snarl—Pupil Slicer demands your full thrust. With this affixing hardcore anchor, “Black Scrawl” will carry you to your first peak push with a dragging breakdown coda.

“Swamp Mentality” // The Acacia Strain (You Are Safe from God Here) – Rest does not come to those who push only once, though. The burn of your resolve will light the path in the angst and mire and core-fluid whiplash of “Swamp Mentality.” And Vincent Bennett’s tattered and spit-riddled mic will provide an extra OUGH to your exhale.

“Orphans” // Dormant Ordeal (Tooth and Nail) – If you could tether your pulse to the relentless kick assaults that Chason Westmoreland brings to “Orphans”—all of Tooth and Nail really—your spotter wouldn’t be able to find dial emergency fast enough to save you. Instead, search for the heavier weighted tempo that exists between the pitter-patter as your guide. In this space, relentless and emotive riff runs and lead wails coalesce into one of the most threatening thrash-pit breaks of the year. Harness this power.

“The Great Day of His Wrath” // Blindfolded (What Seeps through Threads) – In vicious harmonized splendor, Blindfolded’s neoclassical scale hopping riffage possesses a buoyancy that is vital to remaining invigored. And whipping around bleating and squealing mic energy with resplendent solo work, “The Great Day of His Wrath” both maintains your demanding schedule and restores a lightness to your being before the heaviest pulls come to play.

“Retina” // Pillars of Cacophony (Paralipomena) – Neoclassical drama, however, doesn’t always seek to restore with its airy play. “Retina” arrives, rather, with a mechanical and and programmed structure that functions as a scaffold upon which ascending scale iterations match your own gradual and gravity-creating climb. As the pinch-happy shuffle sneers in precision stank-face deployment, resist the urge to discharge your steel load into the earth.

“Lunar Tear” // Barren Path (Grieving) – In any routine, no matter how structured, a moment of ferocious release can provide a benefit. Before this playlist enters its most grueling minutes, a lightning-speed romp in the grips of endless blasts and riffs exists to shake off the inertia that can result from testing your limits.

“Heaping Pile of Electrified Gore” // Pissgrave (Malignant Worthlessness) – We are all filth—corpses brought to life by the signals we create. Synapses creating chains from proximal to distal drive our movements from concept to power. Through squelching refrain and lockstep death metal assault, fibers at the edge of their load-bearing capacity persist and persevere in the midst of Pissgrave’s shifting and grimy rhythms.

“Bursting with Life’s True Fruit” // Umulamahri (Learning the Secrets of Acid) – Guttural expression unlocks the last inches of a tough pull. As we channel Doug Moore’s garbage disposal tier phlegmanations into our own tidal vibrations, we visualize the final set. We are victorious. And in a celebratory expression of might, we slip into Umulamahri’s enlightened synth dissolution. Those who float cannot collapse.

Before I was press-ganged into the Skull Pit, I, Ferox, began curating an exercise playlist named Heavy Moves Heavy. For a decade, I alone reaped the benefits of this creation–many were the hours spent preening aboard my Squat Yacht, mixing oils so that I could marvel at the glistening gainz unlocked by the List. My indentured servitude is your good fortune, because a new and improved version of the Heavy Moves Heavy playlist is now available to all readers of AMG in good standing.1 The lifters among us have spent countless hours in the Exercise Oubliette testing these songs for tensile strength and ideological purity. Enjoy–but don’t listen if you are being screened for PEDs in the near future. This music will cause your free testosterone levels to skyrocket even as it adds length and sheen to your back pelt. ~ Ferox

A year has passed, and now the barbell of honour has been placed on my (regrettably smaller) shoulders as Ferox steps back from the AMG side-quest to focus on his main story. Our leader may be absent, but our search for gains continues with an otherwise full house and new recruits to boot. The songs that guided and shaped our workouts are compiled here in a playlist guaranteed to boost yours, whether you listen on shuffle or straight the way through.1 So what are you waiting for? Down your pre-workout, grab your straps and your knee-sleeves, and get ready to get massive. ~ Thus Spoke

Thus Spoke Enters Muscle Mommy Mode:

“Silence like the Grave” // Paradise Lost (Ascension) – Straightforwardly solid, catchy, sharp, with a killer atmosphere. Insta-playlist save when the single dropped. Paradise Lost back on top-form and just time to give you the energy for moving heavy things.

“Magnolia” // Deafheaven (Lonely People with Power) – Oh yeah, I’m dead serious. Sorry not sorry to any haters out there. This is four minutes and change of unqualified emotion and racing thoughts and it gets my blood running hot every damn time.

“Against the Dying of the Light” // Dormant Ordeal (Tooth and Nail) – Unironically motivating in a way presumably not intended. Just when you want to quit, that roar of “raaage, RAAAAAAGGGE,” and the impeccable drum and guitar work come in to see you through.

“Condemnesia” // Cytotoxin (Biographyte) – The devastation of a currently-occurring nuclear disaster—complete with a frantically clicking geiger counter and a witness’ agonised moans—portrayed through slick, punchy tech-death. Do I need to explain?

“Perfida Contracçao do Aço” // Filii Nigrantium Infernalium (Perfida Contracçao do Aço) – I wouldn’t normally go for something like this; the vocals are kind of horrible. But the energetic ridiculousness is so fucking feral it takes you beyond pumped and into crazed maniac territory; which is obviously ideal for the gym.

“DNA (Do Not Amputate)” // To the Grave (Still) – Mean, melodic, and with a message, there’s nothing about this that doesn’t work while lifting. If I’m going to include any deathcore in the playlist at all, then it has to be To the Grave.

“Eunuch Maker” // Depravity (Bestial Possession) – If your resting-murder-face, hoodie, and headphones aren’t enough to keep people from having the audacity to speak to you, then listening to this could help. It’s massive, and fun as hell, and will make you look extra mean through osmosis, I guarantee.

“Architects of Extinction” // Psycroptic (Architects of Extinction) – Banger alert. The change in vocals makes this a smidge less strong than it otherwise would be, but c’mon; a riff that good has got to be anabolic.

“Amaranth” // Nephylim (Circuition) – My dopamine-fixation song for the best part of a month. It’s uplifting, it’s catchy, it’s infinitely replayable. What more do you want?

“Natural Law” // Primitive Man (Observance) – It’s not too long, it’s a very important, massive chunk of overwhelming heaviness that makes me feel ten times the size and heft I actually am. You can get through all three (or however many) sets with spare time to admire the pump.

“Deathless” // Phobocosm (Gateway) – Monstrous, massive, intense. Fast and furious isn’t always it; more and more, I crave slow, oppressive, and malevolent. It’s just what I crave to dig deeper.

“1918 Pt 3: ADE (A duty to escape)” // 1914 (Viribus Unitis) – It took less than a single complete playthrough for this to end up on this list. It’s heavy enough for leg day, and it’s atmospheric and moving in that perfect way that helps you dissociate from how much your body hurts. I’ve had it on repeat through many a tough session since.

Kenstrosity Bursts Through His Own Workout Gear:

“Rot in the Pit” // Depravity (Bestial Possession) – If there was ever a song that eradicated mental blocks to that next rep, that next PR, that next push, it’s “Rot in the Pit.” Boasting mountain-moving swagger and a center riff that risks greater injury to my body than any ego lift could ever approach, Depravity penned a bona fide gymstormer with “Rot in the Pit.”

“Summoning Sickness” // Pedestal for Leviathan (Enter: Vampyric Manifestation) – Imagine getting legs so powerful and swole they force your gait to change—but you’re doing it in the basement of your Transylvanian vampire castle with Igor loading up weights on the bar for your next PR. That’s what “Summoning Sickness” feels like when I’m pushing

“Nachthexe” // Bianca (Bianca) – You wouldn’t expect something that dabbles so heavily in atmosphere to possess such meaty muscle as this, but Bianca’s “Nachthexe” proves the might of the sleeper build. Once they take of the airy, soft pump cover, a devastating topology of deadly power ripples just under the skin.

“The Insufferable Weight” // Barren Path (Grieving) – Don’t let the lighter weights I’m lugging around fool you. Volume days are fucking brutal, and a challenge for both my mind and my body. Barren Path’s “The Insufferable Weight” adrenalizes me with it’s speed and brutal rhythms just enough to survive those endless reps.

“Granfalloon” // Unbirth (Asomatous Besmirchment) – Unbirth is the pool from which some the nastiest, grooviest, and most deceptively complex riffs spawn. This is great fodder for those compound movements that build strength and density. You could pick anything off of Asomatous Besmirchment for such gains, but my preference is “Granfalloon.”

“Kollaps” // Jordsjuk (Naglet til livet) – Black metal? For the gym? You fucking bet. Guaranteed to pull you back from the brink of absolute failure, Jordsjuk’s “Kollaps” thrashes and shimmers with enough vibrancy and verve to make whatever load I’m pushing feel like light weight.

“Infestis” // Igorrr (Amen) – You wouldn’t expect something as weird and wacky as Igorrr to fit in the land of iron and steel, but here we are. With stomping riffs and vicious roars, “Infestis” is top tier workout gear. Great for keeping pace and supporting breath control, you’ll find much progress with Igorrr by your side.

“Flashback (ft. Strawberry Hospital)” // Blind Equation (A Funeral in Purgatory) – Every year I open up one slot for those high intensity workouts where cardio and strength meet. This year, my spotter cheering me on when I’m doing sprints and weighted jumps is Blind Equation’s intense and lightning-fast “Flashback.” Gotta go fast!!!

“Leave the Flesh Behind” // Ashen (Leave the Flesh Behind) – Probably the underdog in the litter, Ashen’s “Leave the Flesh” behind is all muscle, and a mountain of it at that. These riffs represent both the immovable object and the unstoppable force. One day, I hope to be like them.

“12 Worm Wounds” // Death Whore (Blood Washes Everything Away) – It was difficult to narrow down a selection from Death Whore’s lean and mean debut, but I keep coming back to the swaggering riffs of “12 Worm Wounds” went I need motivation for that next lift. It just makes everything I’m doing seem like the most fun I’ll ever have.

“The Fire in Which We Burn” // …and Oceans (The Regeneration Itinerary) – Boasting what I consider to be the single best black metal riff of 2025, …and Oceans greatly surprised me with a swaggering barnstormer of a track ready made to stoke the fire in my chest for a second wind. Hand me another set of plates, it’s time to go up for one more set!

“Never Difiled” // Serenity in Murder (Timeless Reverie) – Who needs to spell correctly when you have hundreds of pounds to push on the bar? This is the question I ask whenever the adrenaline-soaked “Never Difiled” plays as I rack up the plates for my next set. Nobody’s ever been able to give me an answer.

“The Twisted Helix” // Mutagenic Host (The Diseased Machine) – They say genetics play a huge role in what kind of gains you can expect to achieve naturally in the gym. Well, I’m an ectomorph so it’s tough—and takes a lot more time—to build and maintain muscle. The solution? Twist my helixes and instantly quadruple my gains. Mutagenic Host’s “The Twisted Helix” is just the tool for the job!

“+++Engine Kill+++” // Ruinous Power (EXTREME DANGER: Prototype Weaponry) – Sometimes you just need something threatening to rip the rails right off the track to hype you up for a grueling session. That’s what songs like Ruinous Power’s “+++Engine Kill+++” are for. Short, to the point, and vicious, it will get your blood surging and your body raring to go.

“Femto’s Theme” // Flummox (Southern Progress) – Something so theatrical doesn’t sound like a natural fit when working out, but the sheer heft and chunky rhythms of Flummox’s “Femto’s Theme” defies those expectations. I’ve been using it for leg days and the results are crazy town! Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself!

Steel Druhm Trains His Ape Arms to Crush the Empire State Building:

“Abandoned Feretrum” // Sepulchral (Beneath the Shroud) – Blending old school black and death noise, Sepulchral mainline pure badger adrenaline and rattlesnake venom into your major muscle groups. Handle those power chugs with care, Brah.

“Necrobotic Enslavement” // Glorious Depravity (Death Never Sleeps) – Taking discarded Morbid Angel riffs and repurposing them to turn a peaceful man rabid is why we have science. Take 2 doses of “Necrobotic Enslavement” 30 minutes before throwing 45 lb plates at people who sit on exercise machines and chat.

“A Scream in the Snow” // Black Soul Horde (Symphony of Chaos) – Trve metal can embiggen the innate desire for strength and raw power like no other, and “A Scream in the Snow” will have you swinging olympic bars to get that sword arm ready for bloody constraint and weightroom glory.

“Eyes on Six” // Biohazard (Divided We Fall) – Loudmouthed tough guys from Brooklyn scream at you to watch your back as they try to snap it with angry riffs and bad attitudes. This is for the caveman living in your reptile brain.

“Carry On” // Nite (Cult of the Serpent Sun) – Badass riffs and Manowar-esque demands that you carry on despite hardships are the crucial things that separate a routine workout from a Herculean trial that transforms you. Carry on to bigness.

“Crusaders” // Starlight Ritual (Rogue Angels) – A dirty, greasy 80s metal anthem that sounds like proto-Iron Maiden is what you need to evolve from tubby baby to a fucking WRATHCHILD. Join this crusade and tip your templar.

“Iron Sign” // Ambush (Evil in All Dimensions) – Unraveling the Riddle of Steel requires a long, hard journey guided only by iron signs. This cut will set you on the right path toward your ferric destiny.

“Bending the Steel” // Ambush (Evil in All Dimensions) – If you’re out there bending the steel, why not get moral support from Ambush with this massive aggressive dose of testosterone and primal motivation? When the singer shouts, “Let’s go, boys!” you’ll feel your strength grow 3 times (plus two!). With an iron will, you gotta keep bending the steel!

“Garuda (Eater of Snakes)” // Brainstorm (Plague of Rats) – Brainstorm write heavy metal for leg day, and Garuda is your feathery guardian iron eagle compelling you to crush that feeble PB. The strong can tell their eagle where to fly and what snakes to eat.

“Beyond Enemy Lines” // Brainstorm (Plague of Rats) – Brainstorm ain’t done with you by a damn sight! If the thundering drums and beefy riffs here don’t get you chalked up and ready for iron warfare, you should take up underwater doily knitting.

Steel-Jacketed Olden Bonus:

“Spark to the Flame” // Winter’s Bane (Redivivus) – One of the greatest gym/workout songs EVER. Lyrics that speak of creating a better version of yourself as you burn in the crucible of effort will help you rise high as those burly riffs hammer your inner coward into moist gum paste.

Grin Reaper Gets Down with the Fitness:

“No Pain, No Gain” // Majestica (Power Train) – Metals of Power and Heft are a must for my workouts, especially stretching and pre-lifting calisthenics. Majestica’s cheesy anthem is perfect montage-fodder, and even though the track is rife with clichéd chestnuts, it features kinetic hooks that gird my gears for what’s to come.

“Storm the Gates” // Soulfly (Chama) – Once I’m limbered up, it’s time to sweat. Max and the boys’ bouncy grooves peddle just the right combination of chest-thumping swagger and ferocity to make sure my next rep sets the tone for a simmering sesh of glorious gainz.

“Skullbattering” // Werewolves (The Ugliest of All) – There’s no better way to keep momentum hurtling forward than with a good ol’ fashioned ode to smashing braincases. Setting the right tone for a workout is paramount, and here Werewolves does not fuck around. There’s nothing pretty or flowery about “Skullbattering,” but if swole is your goal, you need to exorcise the Ugly.

“Anodyne Rust” // Blood Red Throne (Siltskin) – I hurt my shoulder a few years ago, and though stretching and (prescribed) drugs didn’t help much, bulking up did. Exercise slipped out of my routine as work and family commitments grew (as did my waistline), but as I’ve recently knocked the Rust off my dumbbells, I’m reminded of the palliative restoration that comes from pumping iron and death metal.

“Ravenous Leech” // Guts (Nightmare Fuel) – Scuzzy, groovy, and unapologetically fun, Nightmare Fuel is filled to the gills with mid-paced chugs that make a great soundtrack for AMRAP workouts. While most of Guts’ bloody remnants will Fuel your workout, spinning “Ravenous Leech” is sure to leave you hungry for even more punishment.

“By Lead or Steel” // Barbarous (Initium Mors) – Does Cannibal Corpse feature heavily in your gym listening? If so, consider Barbarous, who channels similar vibes and vitriol with less viscera. It’ll make you want to drink motör oil and punch babies, and that’s the kind of shove you need when you’re out on swole patrol.2

“Kaltfront” // Eisbrecher (Kaltfront) – Something about heavy distortion, dance-adjacent electronics, and gravelly vocals makes ‘New German Hardness’ prime listening for calculated and efficient movements. With near imperceptible head bops and a commitment to perfect form, this “Kaltfront” leaves me focused and hard as a block of ice.

“Hope Terminator” // Cytotoxin (Biographyte) – Plenty of great death metal jams spurn gym-list inclusion with slow-build intros, not getting to proper stankin’ until they’re well into the track. Cytotoxin knows better, immediately flaying you with technicality. “Hope Terminator’ is the perfect mid-playlist piece to curb fatigue and keep your spirit engorged.

“Let There Be Oblivion” // Ade (Supplicium) – Rome’s Ade lays down a banger of a riff on “Let There Be Oblivion,” and it’s long and strong enough to push me through a set or two. If I’m struggling during a workout, whether in motivation or physically, I need every ounce of energy I can muster, and songs like this one can be the tipping point.

“Blinding Oblivion” // Depravity (Bestial Possession) – Like Guts’ Nightmare Fuel, Bestial Possession boasts track after track of gym-ready scorchers. I chose “Blinding Oblivion” 1. to maintain consistency with “Let There Be Oblivion” and 2. because something about the subtle melody in the song gives it an air of refreshment that I need as the demands of my workout ramp to a frothing climax.

“Elevator Operator” // Electric Callboy (Elevator Operator) – It’s dumb, it’s trite, and it’s so devastatingly catchy that it sticks in my head for days on end. Most importantly, it makes me want to move things up and down, and I won’t apologize for that.

“Sunlight Covenant” // Spire of Lazarus (Those Who Live in Death) – I don’t dabble in deathcore often, but when I do, it’s usually technical, symphonic, and anthemic. Spire of Lazarus crafts just the right blend of their core components to make “Sunlight Covenant” a certified HMH banger. As a bonus, try to time it so that the track hits on your last set of the day—the melody and backing swells make a triumphant send-off as you clinch the last rep and wipe down the bench. You wiped the bench, right?

“Fossilized” // Ültra Raptör (Fossilized) – This song has stayed close since I first laid ears on it, and not once has it failed to engage the hype machine. Whether warming up, working out, or cooling down, the classic retro riffs and sunglasses-at-night nonchalance define a cool I strive for, and motivation like that is the key to gainz.

Dolph Does Heavy This Time:3

“Mortuary Rites” // Mörtual (Altar of Brutality) – Blood boils fastest with a roto-tom take off followed by a death-thrash pummel. As churning pit energy converts to flared nostrils, focused vision, and engorged fibers at the crack of a incessant stick, find a slow and steady breath as your body prepares for war.

“Tlazolteotl” // Kalaveraztekah (Nikan Axkan) – The beat of a clanging snare threatens whatever weighted structure exists in your path. “Tlazolteotl” marches ever forward through growling twists, hardwood clack, and flute-led guitar abandon. A brief respite of acoustics awaits—but so does the real bulk of this journey.

“Black Scrawl” // Pupil Slicer (Fleshwork) – Feedback, growling bass, pneumatic kicks, and an urgent snarl—Pupil Slicer demands your full thrust. With this affixing hardcore anchor, “Black Scrawl” will carry you to your first peak push with a dragging breakdown coda.

“Swamp Mentality” // The Acacia Strain (You Are Safe from God Here) – Rest does not come to those who push only once, though. The burn of your resolve will light the path in the angst and mire and core-fluid whiplash of “Swamp Mentality.” And Vincent Bennett’s tattered and spit-riddled mic will provide an extra OUGH to your exhale.

“Orphans” // Dormant Ordeal (Tooth and Nail) – If you could tether your pulse to the relentless kick assaults that Chason Westmoreland brings to “Orphans”—all of Tooth and Nail really—your spotter wouldn’t be able to find dial emergency fast enough to save you. Instead, search for the heavier weighted tempo that exists between the pitter-patter as your guide. In this space, relentless and emotive riff runs and lead wails coalesce into one of the most threatening thrash-pit breaks of the year. Harness this power.

“The Great Day of His Wrath” // Blindfolded (What Seeps through Threads) – In vicious harmonized splendor, Blindfolded’s neoclassical scale hopping riffage possesses a buoyancy that is vital to remaining invigored. And whipping around bleating and squealing mic energy with resplendent solo work, “The Great Day of His Wrath” both maintains your demanding schedule and restores a lightness to your being before the heaviest pulls come to play.

“Retina” // Pillars of Cacophony (Paralipomena) – Neoclassical drama, however, doesn’t always seek to restore with its airy play. “Retina” arrives, rather, with a mechanical and and programmed structure that functions as a scaffold upon which ascending scale iterations match your own gradual and gravity-creating climb. As the pinch-happy shuffle sneers in precision stank-face deployment, resist the urge to discharge your steel load into the earth.

“Lunar Tear” // Barren Path (Grieving) – In any routine, no matter how structured, a moment of ferocious release can provide a benefit. Before this playlist enters its most grueling minutes, a lightning-speed romp in the grips of endless blasts and riffs exists to shake off the inertia that can result from testing your limits.

“Heaping Pile of Electrified Gore” // Pissgrave (Malignant Worthlessness) – We are all filth—corpses brought to life by the signals we create. Synapses creating chains from proximal to distal drive our movements from concept to power. Through squelching refrain and lockstep death metal assault, fibers at the edge of their load-bearing capacity persist and persevere in the midst of Pissgrave’s shifting and grimy rhythms.

“Bursting with Life’s True Fruit” // Umulamahri (Learning the Secrets of Acid) – Guttural expression unlocks the last inches of a tough pull. As we channel Doug Moore’s garbage disposal tier phlegmanations into our own tidal vibrations, we visualize the final set. We are victorious. And in a celebratory expression of might, we slip into Umulamahri’s enlightened synth dissolution. Those who float cannot collapse.

Before I was press-ganged into the Skull Pit, I, Ferox, began curating an exercise playlist named Heavy Moves Heavy. For a decade, I alone reaped the benefits of this creation–many were the hours spent preening aboard my Squat Yacht, mixing oils so that I could marvel at the glistening gainz unlocked by the List. My indentured servitude is your good fortune, because a new and improved version of the Heavy Moves Heavy playlist is now available to all readers of AMG in good standing.1 The lifters among us have spent countless hours in the Exercise Oubliette testing these songs for tensile strength and ideological purity. Enjoy–but don’t listen if you are being screened for PEDs in the near future. This music will cause your free testosterone levels to skyrocket even as it adds length and sheen to your back pelt. ~ Ferox

A year has passed, and now the barbell of honour has been placed on my (regrettably smaller) shoulders as Ferox steps back from the AMG side-quest to focus on his main story. Our leader may be absent, but our search for gains continues with an otherwise full house and new recruits to boot. The songs that guided and shaped our workouts are compiled here in a playlist guaranteed to boost yours, whether you listen on shuffle or straight the way through.1 So what are you waiting for? Down your pre-workout, grab your straps and your knee-sleeves, and get ready to get massive. ~ Thus Spoke

Thus Spoke Enters Muscle Mommy Mode:

“Silence like the Grave” // Paradise Lost (Ascension) – Straightforwardly solid, catchy, sharp, with a killer atmosphere. Insta-playlist save when the single dropped. Paradise Lost back on top-form and just time to give you the energy for moving heavy things.

“Magnolia” // Deafheaven (Lonely People with Power) – Oh yeah, I’m dead serious. Sorry not sorry to any haters out there. This is four minutes and change of unqualified emotion and racing thoughts and it gets my blood running hot every damn time.

“Against the Dying of the Light” // Dormant Ordeal (Tooth and Nail) – Unironically motivating in a way presumably not intended. Just when you want to quit, that roar of “raaage, RAAAAAAGGGE,” and the impeccable drum and guitar work come in to see you through.

“Condemnesia” // Cytotoxin (Biographyte) – The devastation of a currently-occurring nuclear disaster—complete with a frantically clicking geiger counter and a witness’ agonised moans—portrayed through slick, punchy tech-death. Do I need to explain?

“Perfida Contracçao do Aço” // Filii Nigrantium Infernalium (Perfida Contracçao do Aço) – I wouldn’t normally go for something like this; the vocals are kind of horrible. But the energetic ridiculousness is so fucking feral it takes you beyond pumped and into crazed maniac territory; which is obviously ideal for the gym.

“DNA (Do Not Amputate)” // To the Grave (Still) – Mean, melodic, and with a message, there’s nothing about this that doesn’t work while lifting. If I’m going to include any deathcore in the playlist at all, then it has to be To the Grave.

“Eunuch Maker” // Depravity (Bestial Possession) – If your resting-murder-face, hoodie, and headphones aren’t enough to keep people from having the audacity to speak to you, then listening to this could help. It’s massive, and fun as hell, and will make you look extra mean through osmosis, I guarantee.

“Architects of Extinction” // Psycroptic (Architects of Extinction) – Banger alert. The change in vocals makes this a smidge less strong than it otherwise would be, but c’mon; a riff that good has got to be anabolic.

“Amaranth” // Nephylim (Circuition) – My dopamine-fixation song for the best part of a month. It’s uplifting, it’s catchy, it’s infinitely replayable. What more do you want?

“Natural Law” // Primitive Man (Observance) – It’s not too long, it’s a very important, massive chunk of overwhelming heaviness that makes me feel ten times the size and heft I actually am. You can get through all three (or however many) sets with spare time to admire the pump.

“Deathless” // Phobocosm (Gateway) – Monstrous, massive, intense. Fast and furious isn’t always it; more and more, I crave slow, oppressive, and malevolent. It’s just what I crave to dig deeper.

“1918 Pt 3: ADE (A duty to escape)” // 1914 (Viribus Unitis) – It took less than a single complete playthrough for this to end up on this list. It’s heavy enough for leg day, and it’s atmospheric and moving in that perfect way that helps you dissociate from how much your body hurts. I’ve had it on repeat through many a tough session since.

Kenstrosity Bursts Through His Own Workout Gear:

“Rot in the Pit” // Depravity (Bestial Possession) – If there was ever a song that eradicated mental blocks to that next rep, that next PR, that next push, it’s “Rot in the Pit.” Boasting mountain-moving swagger and a center riff that risks greater injury to my body than any ego lift could ever approach, Depravity penned a bona fide gymstormer with “Rot in the Pit.”

“Summoning Sickness” // Pedestal for Leviathan (Enter: Vampyric Manifestation) – Imagine getting legs so powerful and swole they force your gait to change—but you’re doing it in the basement of your Transylvanian vampire castle with Igor loading up weights on the bar for your next PR. That’s what “Summoning Sickness” feels like when I’m pushing

“Nachthexe” // Bianca (Bianca) – You wouldn’t expect something that dabbles so heavily in atmosphere to possess such meaty muscle as this, but Bianca’s “Nachthexe” proves the might of the sleeper build. Once they take of the airy, soft pump cover, a devastating topology of deadly power ripples just under the skin.

“The Insufferable Weight” // Barren Path (Grieving) – Don’t let the lighter weights I’m lugging around fool you. Volume days are fucking brutal, and a challenge for both my mind and my body. Barren Path’s “The Insufferable Weight” adrenalizes me with it’s speed and brutal rhythms just enough to survive those endless reps.

“Granfalloon” // Unbirth (Asomatous Besmirchment) – Unbirth is the pool from which some the nastiest, grooviest, and most deceptively complex riffs spawn. This is great fodder for those compound movements that build strength and density. You could pick anything off of Asomatous Besmirchment for such gains, but my preference is “Granfalloon.”

“Kollaps” // Jordsjuk (Naglet til livet) – Black metal? For the gym? You fucking bet. Guaranteed to pull you back from the brink of absolute failure, Jordsjuk’s “Kollaps” thrashes and shimmers with enough vibrancy and verve to make whatever load I’m pushing feel like light weight.

“Infestis” // Igorrr (Amen) – You wouldn’t expect something as weird and wacky as Igorrr to fit in the land of iron and steel, but here we are. With stomping riffs and vicious roars, “Infestis” is top tier workout gear. Great for keeping pace and supporting breath control, you’ll find much progress with Igorrr by your side.

“Flashback (ft. Strawberry Hospital)” // Blind Equation (A Funeral in Purgatory) – Every year I open up one slot for those high intensity workouts where cardio and strength meet. This year, my spotter cheering me on when I’m doing sprints and weighted jumps is Blind Equation’s intense and lightning-fast “Flashback.” Gotta go fast!!!

“Leave the Flesh Behind” // Ashen (Leave the Flesh Behind) – Probably the underdog in the litter, Ashen’s “Leave the Flesh” behind is all muscle, and a mountain of it at that. These riffs represent both the immovable object and the unstoppable force. One day, I hope to be like them.

“12 Worm Wounds” // Death Whore (Blood Washes Everything Away) – It was difficult to narrow down a selection from Death Whore’s lean and mean debut, but I keep coming back to the swaggering riffs of “12 Worm Wounds” went I need motivation for that next lift. It just makes everything I’m doing seem like the most fun I’ll ever have.

“The Fire in Which We Burn” // …and Oceans (The Regeneration Itinerary) – Boasting what I consider to be the single best black metal riff of 2025, …and Oceans greatly surprised me with a swaggering barnstormer of a track ready made to stoke the fire in my chest for a second wind. Hand me another set of plates, it’s time to go up for one more set!

“Never Difiled” // Serenity in Murder (Timeless Reverie) – Who needs to spell correctly when you have hundreds of pounds to push on the bar? This is the question I ask whenever the adrenaline-soaked “Never Difiled” plays as I rack up the plates for my next set. Nobody’s ever been able to give me an answer.

“The Twisted Helix” // Mutagenic Host (The Diseased Machine) – They say genetics play a huge role in what kind of gains you can expect to achieve naturally in the gym. Well, I’m an ectomorph so it’s tough—and takes a lot more time—to build and maintain muscle. The solution? Twist my helixes and instantly quadruple my gains. Mutagenic Host’s “The Twisted Helix” is just the tool for the job!

“+++Engine Kill+++” // Ruinous Power (EXTREME DANGER: Prototype Weaponry) – Sometimes you just need something threatening to rip the rails right off the track to hype you up for a grueling session. That’s what songs like Ruinous Power’s “+++Engine Kill+++” are for. Short, to the point, and vicious, it will get your blood surging and your body raring to go.

“Femto’s Theme” // Flummox (Southern Progress) – Something so theatrical doesn’t sound like a natural fit when working out, but the sheer heft and chunky rhythms of Flummox’s “Femto’s Theme” defies those expectations. I’ve been using it for leg days and the results are crazy town! Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself!

Steel Druhm Trains His Ape Arms to Crush the Empire State Building:

“Abandoned Feretrum” // Sepulchral (Beneath the Shroud) – Blending old school black and death noise, Sepulchral mainline pure badger adrenaline and rattlesnake venom into your major muscle groups. Handle those power chugs with care, Brah.

“Necrobotic Enslavement” // Glorious Depravity (Death Never Sleeps) – Taking discarded Morbid Angel riffs and repurposing them to turn a peaceful man rabid is why we have science. Take 2 doses of “Necrobotic Enslavement” 30 minutes before throwing 45 lb plates at people who sit on exercise machines and chat.

“A Scream in the Snow” // Black Soul Horde (Symphony of Chaos) – Trve metal can embiggen the innate desire for strength and raw power like no other, and “A Scream in the Snow” will have you swinging olympic bars to get that sword arm ready for bloody constraint and weightroom glory.

“Eyes on Six” // Biohazard (Divided We Fall) – Loudmouthed tough guys from Brooklyn scream at you to watch your back as they try to snap it with angry riffs and bad attitudes. This is for the caveman living in your reptile brain.

“Carry On” // Nite (Cult of the Serpent Sun) – Badass riffs and Manowar-esque demands that you carry on despite hardships are the crucial things that separate a routine workout from a Herculean trial that transforms you. Carry on to bigness.

“Crusaders” // Starlight Ritual (Rogue Angels) – A dirty, greasy 80s metal anthem that sounds like proto-Iron Maiden is what you need to evolve from tubby baby to a fucking WRATHCHILD. Join this crusade and tip your templar.

“Iron Sign” // Ambush (Evil in All Dimensions) – Unraveling the Riddle of Steel requires a long, hard journey guided only by iron signs. This cut will set you on the right path toward your ferric destiny.

“Bending the Steel” // Ambush (Evil in All Dimensions) – If you’re out there bending the steel, why not get moral support from Ambush with this massive aggressive dose of testosterone and primal motivation? When the singer shouts, “Let’s go, boys!” you’ll feel your strength grow 3 times (plus two!). With an iron will, you gotta keep bending the steel!

“Garuda (Eater of Snakes)” // Brainstorm (Plague of Rats) – Brainstorm write heavy metal for leg day, and Garuda is your feathery guardian iron eagle compelling you to crush that feeble PB. The strong can tell their eagle where to fly and what snakes to eat.

“Beyond Enemy Lines” // Brainstorm (Plague of Rats) – Brainstorm ain’t done with you by a damn sight! If the thundering drums and beefy riffs here don’t get you chalked up and ready for iron warfare, you should take up underwater doily knitting.

Steel-Jacketed Olden Bonus:

“Spark to the Flame” // Winter’s Bane (Redivivus) – One of the greatest gym/workout songs EVER. Lyrics that speak of creating a better version of yourself as you burn in the crucible of effort will help you rise high as those burly riffs hammer your inner coward into moist gum paste.

Grin Reaper Gets Down with the Fitness:

“No Pain, No Gain” // Majestica (Power Train) – Metals of Power and Heft are a must for my workouts, especially stretching and pre-lifting calisthenics. Majestica’s cheesy anthem is perfect montage-fodder, and even though the track is rife with clichéd chestnuts, it features kinetic hooks that gird my gears for what’s to come.

“Storm the Gates” // Soulfly (Chama) – Once I’m limbered up, it’s time to sweat. Max and the boys’ bouncy grooves peddle just the right combination of chest-thumping swagger and ferocity to make sure my next rep sets the tone for a simmering sesh of glorious gainz.

“Skullbattering” // Werewolves (The Ugliest of All) – There’s no better way to keep momentum hurtling forward than with a good ol’ fashioned ode to smashing braincases. Setting the right tone for a workout is paramount, and here Werewolves does not fuck around. There’s nothing pretty or flowery about “Skullbattering,” but if swole is your goal, you need to exorcise the Ugly.

“Anodyne Rust” // Blood Red Throne (Siltskin) – I hurt my shoulder a few years ago, and though stretching and (prescribed) drugs didn’t help much, bulking up did. Exercise slipped out of my routine as work and family commitments grew (as did my waistline), but as I’ve recently knocked the Rust off my dumbbells, I’m reminded of the palliative restoration that comes from pumping iron and death metal.

“Ravenous Leech” // Guts (Nightmare Fuel) – Scuzzy, groovy, and unapologetically fun, Nightmare Fuel is filled to the gills with mid-paced chugs that make a great soundtrack for AMRAP workouts. While most of Guts’ bloody remnants will Fuel your workout, spinning “Ravenous Leech” is sure to leave you hungry for even more punishment.

“By Lead or Steel” // Barbarous (Initium Mors) – Does Cannibal Corpse feature heavily in your gym listening? If so, consider Barbarous, who channels similar vibes and vitriol with less viscera. It’ll make you want to drink motör oil and punch babies, and that’s the kind of shove you need when you’re out on swole patrol.2

“Kaltfront” // Eisbrecher (Kaltfront) – Something about heavy distortion, dance-adjacent electronics, and gravelly vocals makes ‘New German Hardness’ prime listening for calculated and efficient movements. With near imperceptible head bops and a commitment to perfect form, this “Kaltfront” leaves me focused and hard as a block of ice.

“Hope Terminator” // Cytotoxin (Biographyte) – Plenty of great death metal jams spurn gym-list inclusion with slow-build intros, not getting to proper stankin’ until they’re well into the track. Cytotoxin knows better, immediately flaying you with technicality. “Hope Terminator’ is the perfect mid-playlist piece to curb fatigue and keep your spirit engorged.

“Let There Be Oblivion” // Ade (Supplicium) – Rome’s Ade lays down a banger of a riff on “Let There Be Oblivion,” and it’s long and strong enough to push me through a set or two. If I’m struggling during a workout, whether in motivation or physically, I need every ounce of energy I can muster, and songs like this one can be the tipping point.

“Blinding Oblivion” // Depravity (Bestial Possession) – Like Guts’ Nightmare Fuel, Bestial Possession boasts track after track of gym-ready scorchers. I chose “Blinding Oblivion” 1. to maintain consistency with “Let There Be Oblivion” and 2. because something about the subtle melody in the song gives it an air of refreshment that I need as the demands of my workout ramp to a frothing climax.

“Elevator Operator” // Electric Callboy (Elevator Operator) – It’s dumb, it’s trite, and it’s so devastatingly catchy that it sticks in my head for days on end. Most importantly, it makes me want to move things up and down, and I won’t apologize for that.

“Sunlight Covenant” // Spire of Lazarus (Those Who Live in Death) – I don’t dabble in deathcore often, but when I do, it’s usually technical, symphonic, and anthemic. Spire of Lazarus crafts just the right blend of their core components to make “Sunlight Covenant” a certified HMH banger. As a bonus, try to time it so that the track hits on your last set of the day—the melody and backing swells make a triumphant send-off as you clinch the last rep and wipe down the bench. You wiped the bench, right?

“Fossilized” // Ültra Raptör (Fossilized) – This song has stayed close since I first laid ears on it, and not once has it failed to engage the hype machine. Whether warming up, working out, or cooling down, the classic retro riffs and sunglasses-at-night nonchalance define a cool I strive for, and motivation like that is the key to gainz.

Dolph Does Heavy This Time:3

“Mortuary Rites” // Mörtual (Altar of Brutality) – Blood boils fastest with a roto-tom take off followed by a death-thrash pummel. As churning pit energy converts to flared nostrils, focused vision, and engorged fibers at the crack of a incessant stick, find a slow and steady breath as your body prepares for war.

“Tlazolteotl” // Kalaveraztekah (Nikan Axkan) – The beat of a clanging snare threatens whatever weighted structure exists in your path. “Tlazolteotl” marches ever forward through growling twists, hardwood clack, and flute-led guitar abandon. A brief respite of acoustics awaits—but so does the real bulk of this journey.

“Black Scrawl” // Pupil Slicer (Fleshwork) – Feedback, growling bass, pneumatic kicks, and an urgent snarl—Pupil Slicer demands your full thrust. With this affixing hardcore anchor, “Black Scrawl” will carry you to your first peak push with a dragging breakdown coda.

“Swamp Mentality” // The Acacia Strain (You Are Safe from God Here) – Rest does not come to those who push only once, though. The burn of your resolve will light the path in the angst and mire and core-fluid whiplash of “Swamp Mentality.” And Vincent Bennett’s tattered and spit-riddled mic will provide an extra OUGH to your exhale.

“Orphans” // Dormant Ordeal (Tooth and Nail) – If you could tether your pulse to the relentless kick assaults that Chason Westmoreland brings to “Orphans”—all of Tooth and Nail really—your spotter wouldn’t be able to find dial emergency fast enough to save you. Instead, search for the heavier weighted tempo that exists between the pitter-patter as your guide. In this space, relentless and emotive riff runs and lead wails coalesce into one of the most threatening thrash-pit breaks of the year. Harness this power.

“The Great Day of His Wrath” // Blindfolded (What Seeps through Threads) – In vicious harmonized splendor, Blindfolded’s neoclassical scale hopping riffage possesses a buoyancy that is vital to remaining invigored. And whipping around bleating and squealing mic energy with resplendent solo work, “The Great Day of His Wrath” both maintains your demanding schedule and restores a lightness to your being before the heaviest pulls come to play.

“Retina” // Pillars of Cacophony (Paralipomena) – Neoclassical drama, however, doesn’t always seek to restore with its airy play. “Retina” arrives, rather, with a mechanical and and programmed structure that functions as a scaffold upon which ascending scale iterations match your own gradual and gravity-creating climb. As the pinch-happy shuffle sneers in precision stank-face deployment, resist the urge to discharge your steel load into the earth.

“Lunar Tear” // Barren Path (Grieving) – In any routine, no matter how structured, a moment of ferocious release can provide a benefit. Before this playlist enters its most grueling minutes, a lightning-speed romp in the grips of endless blasts and riffs exists to shake off the inertia that can result from testing your limits.

“Heaping Pile of Electrified Gore” // Pissgrave (Malignant Worthlessness) – We are all filth—corpses brought to life by the signals we create. Synapses creating chains from proximal to distal drive our movements from concept to power. Through squelching refrain and lockstep death metal assault, fibers at the edge of their load-bearing capacity persist and persevere in the midst of Pissgrave’s shifting and grimy rhythms.

“Bursting with Life’s True Fruit” // Umulamahri (Learning the Secrets of Acid) – Guttural expression unlocks the last inches of a tough pull. As we channel Doug Moore’s garbage disposal tier phlegmanations into our own tidal vibrations, we visualize the final set. We are victorious. And in a celebratory expression of might, we slip into Umulamahri’s enlightened synth dissolution. Those who float cannot collapse.

Before I was press-ganged into the Skull Pit, I, Ferox, began curating an exercise playlist named Heavy Moves Heavy. For a decade, I alone reaped the benefits of this creation–many were the hours spent preening aboard my Squat Yacht, mixing oils so that I could marvel at the glistening gainz unlocked by the List. My indentured servitude is your good fortune, because a new and improved version of the Heavy Moves Heavy playlist is now available to all readers of AMG in good standing.1 The lifters among us have spent countless hours in the Exercise Oubliette testing these songs for tensile strength and ideological purity. Enjoy–but don’t listen if you are being screened for PEDs in the near future. This music will cause your free testosterone levels to skyrocket even as it adds length and sheen to your back pelt. ~ Ferox

A year has passed, and now the barbell of honour has been placed on my (regrettably smaller) shoulders as Ferox steps back from the AMG side-quest to focus on his main story. Our leader may be absent, but our search for gains continues with an otherwise full house and new recruits to boot. The songs that guided and shaped our workouts are compiled here in a playlist guaranteed to boost yours, whether you listen on shuffle or straight the way through.1 So what are you waiting for? Down your pre-workout, grab your straps and your knee-sleeves, and get ready to get massive. ~ Thus Spoke

Thus Spoke Enters Muscle Mommy Mode:

“Silence like the Grave” // Paradise Lost (Ascension) – Straightforwardly solid, catchy, sharp, with a killer atmosphere. Insta-playlist save when the single dropped. Paradise Lost back on top-form and just time to give you the energy for moving heavy things.

“Magnolia” // Deafheaven (Lonely People with Power) – Oh yeah, I’m dead serious. Sorry not sorry to any haters out there. This is four minutes and change of unqualified emotion and racing thoughts and it gets my blood running hot every damn time.

“Against the Dying of the Light” // Dormant Ordeal (Tooth and Nail) – Unironically motivating in a way presumably not intended. Just when you want to quit, that roar of “raaage, RAAAAAAGGGE,” and the impeccable drum and guitar work come in to see you through.

“Condemnesia” // Cytotoxin (Biographyte) – The devastation of a currently-occurring nuclear disaster—complete with a frantically clicking geiger counter and a witness’ agonised moans—portrayed through slick, punchy tech-death. Do I need to explain?

“Perfida Contracçao do Aço” // Filii Nigrantium Infernalium (Perfida Contracçao do Aço) – I wouldn’t normally go for something like this; the vocals are kind of horrible. But the energetic ridiculousness is so fucking feral it takes you beyond pumped and into crazed maniac territory; which is obviously ideal for the gym.

“DNA (Do Not Amputate)” // To the Grave (Still) – Mean, melodic, and with a message, there’s nothing about this that doesn’t work while lifting. If I’m going to include any deathcore in the playlist at all, then it has to be To the Grave.

“Eunuch Maker” // Depravity (Bestial Possession) – If your resting-murder-face, hoodie, and headphones aren’t enough to keep people from having the audacity to speak to you, then listening to this could help. It’s massive, and fun as hell, and will make you look extra mean through osmosis, I guarantee.

“Architects of Extinction” // Psycroptic (Architects of Extinction) – Banger alert. The change in vocals makes this a smidge less strong than it otherwise would be, but c’mon; a riff that good has got to be anabolic.

“Amaranth” // Nephylim (Circuition) – My dopamine-fixation song for the best part of a month. It’s uplifting, it’s catchy, it’s infinitely replayable. What more do you want?

“Natural Law” // Primitive Man (Observance) – It’s not too long, it’s a very important, massive chunk of overwhelming heaviness that makes me feel ten times the size and heft I actually am. You can get through all three (or however many) sets with spare time to admire the pump.

“Deathless” // Phobocosm (Gateway) – Monstrous, massive, intense. Fast and furious isn’t always it; more and more, I crave slow, oppressive, and malevolent. It’s just what I crave to dig deeper.

“1918 Pt 3: ADE (A duty to escape)” // 1914 (Viribus Unitis) – It took less than a single complete playthrough for this to end up on this list. It’s heavy enough for leg day, and it’s atmospheric and moving in that perfect way that helps you dissociate from how much your body hurts. I’ve had it on repeat through many a tough session since.

Kenstrosity Bursts Through His Own Workout Gear:

“Rot in the Pit” // Depravity (Bestial Possession) – If there was ever a song that eradicated mental blocks to that next rep, that next PR, that next push, it’s “Rot in the Pit.” Boasting mountain-moving swagger and a center riff that risks greater injury to my body than any ego lift could ever approach, Depravity penned a bona fide gymstormer with “Rot in the Pit.”

“Summoning Sickness” // Pedestal for Leviathan (Enter: Vampyric Manifestation) – Imagine getting legs so powerful and swole they force your gait to change—but you’re doing it in the basement of your Transylvanian vampire castle with Igor loading up weights on the bar for your next PR. That’s what “Summoning Sickness” feels like when I’m pushing

“Nachthexe” // Bianca (Bianca) – You wouldn’t expect something that dabbles so heavily in atmosphere to possess such meaty muscle as this, but Bianca’s “Nachthexe” proves the might of the sleeper build. Once they take of the airy, soft pump cover, a devastating topology of deadly power ripples just under the skin.

“The Insufferable Weight” // Barren Path (Grieving) – Don’t let the lighter weights I’m lugging around fool you. Volume days are fucking brutal, and a challenge for both my mind and my body. Barren Path’s “The Insufferable Weight” adrenalizes me with it’s speed and brutal rhythms just enough to survive those endless reps.

“Granfalloon” // Unbirth (Asomatous Besmirchment) – Unbirth is the pool from which some the nastiest, grooviest, and most deceptively complex riffs spawn. This is great fodder for those compound movements that build strength and density. You could pick anything off of Asomatous Besmirchment for such gains, but my preference is “Granfalloon.”

“Kollaps” // Jordsjuk (Naglet til livet) – Black metal? For the gym? You fucking bet. Guaranteed to pull you back from the brink of absolute failure, Jordsjuk’s “Kollaps” thrashes and shimmers with enough vibrancy and verve to make whatever load I’m pushing feel like light weight.

“Infestis” // Igorrr (Amen) – You wouldn’t expect something as weird and wacky as Igorrr to fit in the land of iron and steel, but here we are. With stomping riffs and vicious roars, “Infestis” is top tier workout gear. Great for keeping pace and supporting breath control, you’ll find much progress with Igorrr by your side.

“Flashback (ft. Strawberry Hospital)” // Blind Equation (A Funeral in Purgatory) – Every year I open up one slot for those high intensity workouts where cardio and strength meet. This year, my spotter cheering me on when I’m doing sprints and weighted jumps is Blind Equation’s intense and lightning-fast “Flashback.” Gotta go fast!!!

“Leave the Flesh Behind” // Ashen (Leave the Flesh Behind) – Probably the underdog in the litter, Ashen’s “Leave the Flesh” behind is all muscle, and a mountain of it at that. These riffs represent both the immovable object and the unstoppable force. One day, I hope to be like them.

“12 Worm Wounds” // Death Whore (Blood Washes Everything Away) – It was difficult to narrow down a selection from Death Whore’s lean and mean debut, but I keep coming back to the swaggering riffs of “12 Worm Wounds” went I need motivation for that next lift. It just makes everything I’m doing seem like the most fun I’ll ever have.

“The Fire in Which We Burn” // …and Oceans (The Regeneration Itinerary) – Boasting what I consider to be the single best black metal riff of 2025, …and Oceans greatly surprised me with a swaggering barnstormer of a track ready made to stoke the fire in my chest for a second wind. Hand me another set of plates, it’s time to go up for one more set!

“Never Difiled” // Serenity in Murder (Timeless Reverie) – Who needs to spell correctly when you have hundreds of pounds to push on the bar? This is the question I ask whenever the adrenaline-soaked “Never Difiled” plays as I rack up the plates for my next set. Nobody’s ever been able to give me an answer.

“The Twisted Helix” // Mutagenic Host (The Diseased Machine) – They say genetics play a huge role in what kind of gains you can expect to achieve naturally in the gym. Well, I’m an ectomorph so it’s tough—and takes a lot more time—to build and maintain muscle. The solution? Twist my helixes and instantly quadruple my gains. Mutagenic Host’s “The Twisted Helix” is just the tool for the job!

“+++Engine Kill+++” // Ruinous Power (EXTREME DANGER: Prototype Weaponry) – Sometimes you just need something threatening to rip the rails right off the track to hype you up for a grueling session. That’s what songs like Ruinous Power’s “+++Engine Kill+++” are for. Short, to the point, and vicious, it will get your blood surging and your body raring to go.

“Femto’s Theme” // Flummox (Southern Progress) – Something so theatrical doesn’t sound like a natural fit when working out, but the sheer heft and chunky rhythms of Flummox’s “Femto’s Theme” defies those expectations. I’ve been using it for leg days and the results are crazy town! Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself!

Steel Druhm Trains His Ape Arms to Crush the Empire State Building:

“Abandoned Feretrum” // Sepulchral (Beneath the Shroud) – Blending old school black and death noise, Sepulchral mainline pure badger adrenaline and rattlesnake venom into your major muscle groups. Handle those power chugs with care, Brah.

“Necrobotic Enslavement” // Glorious Depravity (Death Never Sleeps) – Taking discarded Morbid Angel riffs and repurposing them to turn a peaceful man rabid is why we have science. Take 2 doses of “Necrobotic Enslavement” 30 minutes before throwing 45 lb plates at people who sit on exercise machines and chat.

“A Scream in the Snow” // Black Soul Horde (Symphony of Chaos) – Trve metal can embiggen the innate desire for strength and raw power like no other, and “A Scream in the Snow” will have you swinging olympic bars to get that sword arm ready for bloody constraint and weightroom glory.

“Eyes on Six” // Biohazard (Divided We Fall) – Loudmouthed tough guys from Brooklyn scream at you to watch your back as they try to snap it with angry riffs and bad attitudes. This is for the caveman living in your reptile brain.

“Carry On” // Nite (Cult of the Serpent Sun) – Badass riffs and Manowar-esque demands that you carry on despite hardships are the crucial things that separate a routine workout from a Herculean trial that transforms you. Carry on to bigness.

“Crusaders” // Starlight Ritual (Rogue Angels) – A dirty, greasy 80s metal anthem that sounds like proto-Iron Maiden is what you need to evolve from tubby baby to a fucking WRATHCHILD. Join this crusade and tip your templar.

“Iron Sign” // Ambush (Evil in All Dimensions) – Unraveling the Riddle of Steel requires a long, hard journey guided only by iron signs. This cut will set you on the right path toward your ferric destiny.

“Bending the Steel” // Ambush (Evil in All Dimensions) – If you’re out there bending the steel, why not get moral support from Ambush with this massive aggressive dose of testosterone and primal motivation? When the singer shouts, “Let’s go, boys!” you’ll feel your strength grow 3 times (plus two!). With an iron will, you gotta keep bending the steel!

“Garuda (Eater of Snakes)” // Brainstorm (Plague of Rats) – Brainstorm write heavy metal for leg day, and Garuda is your feathery guardian iron eagle compelling you to crush that feeble PB. The strong can tell their eagle where to fly and what snakes to eat.

“Beyond Enemy Lines” // Brainstorm (Plague of Rats) – Brainstorm ain’t done with you by a damn sight! If the thundering drums and beefy riffs here don’t get you chalked up and ready for iron warfare, you should take up underwater doily knitting.

Steel-Jacketed Olden Bonus:

“Spark to the Flame” // Winter’s Bane (Redivivus) – One of the greatest gym/workout songs EVER. Lyrics that speak of creating a better version of yourself as you burn in the crucible of effort will help you rise high as those burly riffs hammer your inner coward into moist gum paste.

Grin Reaper Gets Down with the Fitness:

“No Pain, No Gain” // Majestica (Power Train) – Metals of Power and Heft are a must for my workouts, especially stretching and pre-lifting calisthenics. Majestica’s cheesy anthem is perfect montage-fodder, and even though the track is rife with clichéd chestnuts, it features kinetic hooks that gird my gears for what’s to come.

“Storm the Gates” // Soulfly (Chama) – Once I’m limbered up, it’s time to sweat. Max and the boys’ bouncy grooves peddle just the right combination of chest-thumping swagger and ferocity to make sure my next rep sets the tone for a simmering sesh of glorious gainz.

“Skullbattering” // Werewolves (The Ugliest of All) – There’s no better way to keep momentum hurtling forward than with a good ol’ fashioned ode to smashing braincases. Setting the right tone for a workout is paramount, and here Werewolves does not fuck around. There’s nothing pretty or flowery about “Skullbattering,” but if swole is your goal, you need to exorcise the Ugly.

“Anodyne Rust” // Blood Red Throne (Siltskin) – I hurt my shoulder a few years ago, and though stretching and (prescribed) drugs didn’t help much, bulking up did. Exercise slipped out of my routine as work and family commitments grew (as did my waistline), but as I’ve recently knocked the Rust off my dumbbells, I’m reminded of the palliative restoration that comes from pumping iron and death metal.

“Ravenous Leech” // Guts (Nightmare Fuel) – Scuzzy, groovy, and unapologetically fun, Nightmare Fuel is filled to the gills with mid-paced chugs that make a great soundtrack for AMRAP workouts. While most of Guts’ bloody remnants will Fuel your workout, spinning “Ravenous Leech” is sure to leave you hungry for even more punishment.

“By Lead or Steel” // Barbarous (Initium Mors) – Does Cannibal Corpse feature heavily in your gym listening? If so, consider Barbarous, who channels similar vibes and vitriol with less viscera. It’ll make you want to drink motör oil and punch babies, and that’s the kind of shove you need when you’re out on swole patrol.2

“Kaltfront” // Eisbrecher (Kaltfront) – Something about heavy distortion, dance-adjacent electronics, and gravelly vocals makes ‘New German Hardness’ prime listening for calculated and efficient movements. With near imperceptible head bops and a commitment to perfect form, this “Kaltfront” leaves me focused and hard as a block of ice.

“Hope Terminator” // Cytotoxin (Biographyte) – Plenty of great death metal jams spurn gym-list inclusion with slow-build intros, not getting to proper stankin’ until they’re well into the track. Cytotoxin knows better, immediately flaying you with technicality. “Hope Terminator’ is the perfect mid-playlist piece to curb fatigue and keep your spirit engorged.

“Let There Be Oblivion” // Ade (Supplicium) – Rome’s Ade lays down a banger of a riff on “Let There Be Oblivion,” and it’s long and strong enough to push me through a set or two. If I’m struggling during a workout, whether in motivation or physically, I need every ounce of energy I can muster, and songs like this one can be the tipping point.

“Blinding Oblivion” // Depravity (Bestial Possession) – Like Guts’ Nightmare Fuel, Bestial Possession boasts track after track of gym-ready scorchers. I chose “Blinding Oblivion” 1. to maintain consistency with “Let There Be Oblivion” and 2. because something about the subtle melody in the song gives it an air of refreshment that I need as the demands of my workout ramp to a frothing climax.

“Elevator Operator” // Electric Callboy (Elevator Operator) – It’s dumb, it’s trite, and it’s so devastatingly catchy that it sticks in my head for days on end. Most importantly, it makes me want to move things up and down, and I won’t apologize for that.

“Sunlight Covenant” // Spire of Lazarus (Those Who Live in Death) – I don’t dabble in deathcore often, but when I do, it’s usually technical, symphonic, and anthemic. Spire of Lazarus crafts just the right blend of their core components to make “Sunlight Covenant” a certified HMH banger. As a bonus, try to time it so that the track hits on your last set of the day—the melody and backing swells make a triumphant send-off as you clinch the last rep and wipe down the bench. You wiped the bench, right?

“Fossilized” // Ültra Raptör (Fossilized) – This song has stayed close since I first laid ears on it, and not once has it failed to engage the hype machine. Whether warming up, working out, or cooling down, the classic retro riffs and sunglasses-at-night nonchalance define a cool I strive for, and motivation like that is the key to gainz.

Dolph Does Heavy This Time:3

“Mortuary Rites” // Mörtual (Altar of Brutality) – Blood boils fastest with a roto-tom take off followed by a death-thrash pummel. As churning pit energy converts to flared nostrils, focused vision, and engorged fibers at the crack of a incessant stick, find a slow and steady breath as your body prepares for war.

“Tlazolteotl” // Kalaveraztekah (Nikan Axkan) – The beat of a clanging snare threatens whatever weighted structure exists in your path. “Tlazolteotl” marches ever forward through growling twists, hardwood clack, and flute-led guitar abandon. A brief respite of acoustics awaits—but so does the real bulk of this journey.

“Black Scrawl” // Pupil Slicer (Fleshwork) – Feedback, growling bass, pneumatic kicks, and an urgent snarl—Pupil Slicer demands your full thrust. With this affixing hardcore anchor, “Black Scrawl” will carry you to your first peak push with a dragging breakdown coda.

“Swamp Mentality” // The Acacia Strain (You Are Safe from God Here) – Rest does not come to those who push only once, though. The burn of your resolve will light the path in the angst and mire and core-fluid whiplash of “Swamp Mentality.” And Vincent Bennett’s tattered and spit-riddled mic will provide an extra OUGH to your exhale.

“Orphans” // Dormant Ordeal (Tooth and Nail) – If you could tether your pulse to the relentless kick assaults that Chason Westmoreland brings to “Orphans”—all of Tooth and Nail really—your spotter wouldn’t be able to find dial emergency fast enough to save you. Instead, search for the heavier weighted tempo that exists between the pitter-patter as your guide. In this space, relentless and emotive riff runs and lead wails coalesce into one of the most threatening thrash-pit breaks of the year. Harness this power.

“The Great Day of His Wrath” // Blindfolded (What Seeps through Threads) – In vicious harmonized splendor, Blindfolded’s neoclassical scale hopping riffage possesses a buoyancy that is vital to remaining invigored. And whipping around bleating and squealing mic energy with resplendent solo work, “The Great Day of His Wrath” both maintains your demanding schedule and restores a lightness to your being before the heaviest pulls come to play.

“Retina” // Pillars of Cacophony (Paralipomena) – Neoclassical drama, however, doesn’t always seek to restore with its airy play. “Retina” arrives, rather, with a mechanical and and programmed structure that functions as a scaffold upon which ascending scale iterations match your own gradual and gravity-creating climb. As the pinch-happy shuffle sneers in precision stank-face deployment, resist the urge to discharge your steel load into the earth.

“Lunar Tear” // Barren Path (Grieving) – In any routine, no matter how structured, a moment of ferocious release can provide a benefit. Before this playlist enters its most grueling minutes, a lightning-speed romp in the grips of endless blasts and riffs exists to shake off the inertia that can result from testing your limits.

“Heaping Pile of Electrified Gore” // Pissgrave (Malignant Worthlessness) – We are all filth—corpses brought to life by the signals we create. Synapses creating chains from proximal to distal drive our movements from concept to power. Through squelching refrain and lockstep death metal assault, fibers at the edge of their load-bearing capacity persist and persevere in the midst of Pissgrave’s shifting and grimy rhythms.

“Bursting with Life’s True Fruit” // Umulamahri (Learning the Secrets of Acid) – Guttural expression unlocks the last inches of a tough pull. As we channel Doug Moore’s garbage disposal tier phlegmanations into our own tidal vibrations, we visualize the final set. We are victorious. And in a celebratory expression of might, we slip into Umulamahri’s enlightened synth dissolution. Those who float cannot collapse.

Before I was press-ganged into the Skull Pit, I, Ferox, began curating an exercise playlist named Heavy Moves Heavy. For a decade, I alone reaped the benefits of this creation–many were the hours spent preening aboard my Squat Yacht, mixing oils so that I could marvel at the glistening gainz unlocked by the List. My indentured servitude is your good fortune, because a new and improved version of the Heavy Moves Heavy playlist is now available to all readers of AMG in good standing.1 The lifters among us have spent countless hours in the Exercise Oubliette testing these songs for tensile strength and ideological purity. Enjoy–but don’t listen if you are being screened for PEDs in the near future. This music will cause your free testosterone levels to skyrocket even as it adds length and sheen to your back pelt. ~ Ferox

A year has passed, and now the barbell of honour has been placed on my (regrettably smaller) shoulders as Ferox steps back from the AMG side-quest to focus on his main story. Our leader may be absent, but our search for gains continues with an otherwise full house and new recruits to boot. The songs that guided and shaped our workouts are compiled here in a playlist guaranteed to boost yours, whether you listen on shuffle or straight the way through.1 So what are you waiting for? Down your pre-workout, grab your straps and your knee-sleeves, and get ready to get massive. ~ Thus Spoke

Thus Spoke Enters Muscle Mommy Mode:

“Silence like the Grave” // Paradise Lost (Ascension) – Straightforwardly solid, catchy, sharp, with a killer atmosphere. Insta-playlist save when the single dropped. Paradise Lost back on top-form and just time to give you the energy for moving heavy things.

“Magnolia” // Deafheaven (Lonely People with Power) – Oh yeah, I’m dead serious. Sorry not sorry to any haters out there. This is four minutes and change of unqualified emotion and racing thoughts and it gets my blood running hot every damn time.

“Against the Dying of the Light” // Dormant Ordeal (Tooth and Nail) – Unironically motivating in a way presumably not intended. Just when you want to quit, that roar of “raaage, RAAAAAAGGGE,” and the impeccable drum and guitar work come in to see you through.

“Condemnesia” // Cytotoxin (Biographyte) – The devastation of a currently-occurring nuclear disaster—complete with a frantically clicking geiger counter and a witness’ agonised moans—portrayed through slick, punchy tech-death. Do I need to explain?

“Perfida Contracçao do Aço” // Filii Nigrantium Infernalium (Perfida Contracçao do Aço) – I wouldn’t normally go for something like this; the vocals are kind of horrible. But the energetic ridiculousness is so fucking feral it takes you beyond pumped and into crazed maniac territory; which is obviously ideal for the gym.

“DNA (Do Not Amputate)” // To the Grave (Still) – Mean, melodic, and with a message, there’s nothing about this that doesn’t work while lifting. If I’m going to include any deathcore in the playlist at all, then it has to be To the Grave.

“Eunuch Maker” // Depravity (Bestial Possession) – If your resting-murder-face, hoodie, and headphones aren’t enough to keep people from having the audacity to speak to you, then listening to this could help. It’s massive, and fun as hell, and will make you look extra mean through osmosis, I guarantee.

“Architects of Extinction” // Psycroptic (Architects of Extinction) – Banger alert. The change in vocals makes this a smidge less strong than it otherwise would be, but c’mon; a riff that good has got to be anabolic.

“Amaranth” // Nephylim (Circuition) – My dopamine-fixation song for the best part of a month. It’s uplifting, it’s catchy, it’s infinitely replayable. What more do you want?

“Natural Law” // Primitive Man (Observance) – It’s not too long, it’s a very important, massive chunk of overwhelming heaviness that makes me feel ten times the size and heft I actually am. You can get through all three (or however many) sets with spare time to admire the pump.

“Deathless” // Phobocosm (Gateway) – Monstrous, massive, intense. Fast and furious isn’t always it; more and more, I crave slow, oppressive, and malevolent. It’s just what I crave to dig deeper.

“1918 Pt 3: ADE (A duty to escape)” // 1914 (Viribus Unitis) – It took less than a single complete playthrough for this to end up on this list. It’s heavy enough for leg day, and it’s atmospheric and moving in that perfect way that helps you dissociate from how much your body hurts. I’ve had it on repeat through many a tough session since.

Kenstrosity Bursts Through His Own Workout Gear:

“Rot in the Pit” // Depravity (Bestial Possession) – If there was ever a song that eradicated mental blocks to that next rep, that next PR, that next push, it’s “Rot in the Pit.” Boasting mountain-moving swagger and a center riff that risks greater injury to my body than any ego lift could ever approach, Depravity penned a bona fide gymstormer with “Rot in the Pit.”

“Summoning Sickness” // Pedestal for Leviathan (Enter: Vampyric Manifestation) – Imagine getting legs so powerful and swole they force your gait to change—but you’re doing it in the basement of your Transylvanian vampire castle with Igor loading up weights on the bar for your next PR. That’s what “Summoning Sickness” feels like when I’m pushing

“Nachthexe” // Bianca (Bianca) – You wouldn’t expect something that dabbles so heavily in atmosphere to possess such meaty muscle as this, but Bianca’s “Nachthexe” proves the might of the sleeper build. Once they take of the airy, soft pump cover, a devastating topology of deadly power ripples just under the skin.

“The Insufferable Weight” // Barren Path (Grieving) – Don’t let the lighter weights I’m lugging around fool you. Volume days are fucking brutal, and a challenge for both my mind and my body. Barren Path’s “The Insufferable Weight” adrenalizes me with it’s speed and brutal rhythms just enough to survive those endless reps.

“Granfalloon” // Unbirth (Asomatous Besmirchment) – Unbirth is the pool from which some the nastiest, grooviest, and most deceptively complex riffs spawn. This is great fodder for those compound movements that build strength and density. You could pick anything off of Asomatous Besmirchment for such gains, but my preference is “Granfalloon.”

“Kollaps” // Jordsjuk (Naglet til livet) – Black metal? For the gym? You fucking bet. Guaranteed to pull you back from the brink of absolute failure, Jordsjuk’s “Kollaps” thrashes and shimmers with enough vibrancy and verve to make whatever load I’m pushing feel like light weight.

“Infestis” // Igorrr (Amen) – You wouldn’t expect something as weird and wacky as Igorrr to fit in the land of iron and steel, but here we are. With stomping riffs and vicious roars, “Infestis” is top tier workout gear. Great for keeping pace and supporting breath control, you’ll find much progress with Igorrr by your side.

“Flashback (ft. Strawberry Hospital)” // Blind Equation (A Funeral in Purgatory) – Every year I open up one slot for those high intensity workouts where cardio and strength meet. This year, my spotter cheering me on when I’m doing sprints and weighted jumps is Blind Equation’s intense and lightning-fast “Flashback.” Gotta go fast!!!

“Leave the Flesh Behind” // Ashen (Leave the Flesh Behind) – Probably the underdog in the litter, Ashen’s “Leave the Flesh” behind is all muscle, and a mountain of it at that. These riffs represent both the immovable object and the unstoppable force. One day, I hope to be like them.

“12 Worm Wounds” // Death Whore (Blood Washes Everything Away) – It was difficult to narrow down a selection from Death Whore’s lean and mean debut, but I keep coming back to the swaggering riffs of “12 Worm Wounds” went I need motivation for that next lift. It just makes everything I’m doing seem like the most fun I’ll ever have.

“The Fire in Which We Burn” // …and Oceans (The Regeneration Itinerary) – Boasting what I consider to be the single best black metal riff of 2025, …and Oceans greatly surprised me with a swaggering barnstormer of a track ready made to stoke the fire in my chest for a second wind. Hand me another set of plates, it’s time to go up for one more set!

“Never Difiled” // Serenity in Murder (Timeless Reverie) – Who needs to spell correctly when you have hundreds of pounds to push on the bar? This is the question I ask whenever the adrenaline-soaked “Never Difiled” plays as I rack up the plates for my next set. Nobody’s ever been able to give me an answer.

“The Twisted Helix” // Mutagenic Host (The Diseased Machine) – They say genetics play a huge role in what kind of gains you can expect to achieve naturally in the gym. Well, I’m an ectomorph so it’s tough—and takes a lot more time—to build and maintain muscle. The solution? Twist my helixes and instantly quadruple my gains. Mutagenic Host’s “The Twisted Helix” is just the tool for the job!

“+++Engine Kill+++” // Ruinous Power (EXTREME DANGER: Prototype Weaponry) – Sometimes you just need something threatening to rip the rails right off the track to hype you up for a grueling session. That’s what songs like Ruinous Power’s “+++Engine Kill+++” are for. Short, to the point, and vicious, it will get your blood surging and your body raring to go.

“Femto’s Theme” // Flummox (Southern Progress) – Something so theatrical doesn’t sound like a natural fit when working out, but the sheer heft and chunky rhythms of Flummox’s “Femto’s Theme” defies those expectations. I’ve been using it for leg days and the results are crazy town! Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself!

Steel Druhm Trains His Ape Arms to Crush the Empire State Building:

“Abandoned Feretrum” // Sepulchral (Beneath the Shroud) – Blending old school black and death noise, Sepulchral mainline pure badger adrenaline and rattlesnake venom into your major muscle groups. Handle those power chugs with care, Brah.

“Necrobotic Enslavement” // Glorious Depravity (Death Never Sleeps) – Taking discarded Morbid Angel riffs and repurposing them to turn a peaceful man rabid is why we have science. Take 2 doses of “Necrobotic Enslavement” 30 minutes before throwing 45 lb plates at people who sit on exercise machines and chat.

“A Scream in the Snow” // Black Soul Horde (Symphony of Chaos) – Trve metal can embiggen the innate desire for strength and raw power like no other, and “A Scream in the Snow” will have you swinging olympic bars to get that sword arm ready for bloody constraint and weightroom glory.

“Eyes on Six” // Biohazard (Divided We Fall) – Loudmouthed tough guys from Brooklyn scream at you to watch your back as they try to snap it with angry riffs and bad attitudes. This is for the caveman living in your reptile brain.

“Carry On” // Nite (Cult of the Serpent Sun) – Badass riffs and Manowar-esque demands that you carry on despite hardships are the crucial things that separate a routine workout from a Herculean trial that transforms you. Carry on to bigness.

“Crusaders” // Starlight Ritual (Rogue Angels) – A dirty, greasy 80s metal anthem that sounds like proto-Iron Maiden is what you need to evolve from tubby baby to a fucking WRATHCHILD. Join this crusade and tip your templar.

“Iron Sign” // Ambush (Evil in All Dimensions) – Unraveling the Riddle of Steel requires a long, hard journey guided only by iron signs. This cut will set you on the right path toward your ferric destiny.

“Bending the Steel” // Ambush (Evil in All Dimensions) – If you’re out there bending the steel, why not get moral support from Ambush with this massive aggressive dose of testosterone and primal motivation? When the singer shouts, “Let’s go, boys!” you’ll feel your strength grow 3 times (plus two!). With an iron will, you gotta keep bending the steel!

“Garuda (Eater of Snakes)” // Brainstorm (Plague of Rats) – Brainstorm write heavy metal for leg day, and Garuda is your feathery guardian iron eagle compelling you to crush that feeble PB. The strong can tell their eagle where to fly and what snakes to eat.

“Beyond Enemy Lines” // Brainstorm (Plague of Rats) – Brainstorm ain’t done with you by a damn sight! If the thundering drums and beefy riffs here don’t get you chalked up and ready for iron warfare, you should take up underwater doily knitting.

Steel-Jacketed Olden Bonus:

“Spark to the Flame” // Winter’s Bane (Redivivus) – One of the greatest gym/workout songs EVER. Lyrics that speak of creating a better version of yourself as you burn in the crucible of effort will help you rise high as those burly riffs hammer your inner coward into moist gum paste.

Grin Reaper Gets Down with the Fitness:

“No Pain, No Gain” // Majestica (Power Train) – Metals of Power and Heft are a must for my workouts, especially stretching and pre-lifting calisthenics. Majestica’s cheesy anthem is perfect montage-fodder, and even though the track is rife with clichéd chestnuts, it features kinetic hooks that gird my gears for what’s to come.

“Storm the Gates” // Soulfly (Chama) – Once I’m limbered up, it’s time to sweat. Max and the boys’ bouncy grooves peddle just the right combination of chest-thumping swagger and ferocity to make sure my next rep sets the tone for a simmering sesh of glorious gainz.

“Skullbattering” // Werewolves (The Ugliest of All) – There’s no better way to keep momentum hurtling forward than with a good ol’ fashioned ode to smashing braincases. Setting the right tone for a workout is paramount, and here Werewolves does not fuck around. There’s nothing pretty or flowery about “Skullbattering,” but if swole is your goal, you need to exorcise the Ugly.

“Anodyne Rust” // Blood Red Throne (Siltskin) – I hurt my shoulder a few years ago, and though stretching and (prescribed) drugs didn’t help much, bulking up did. Exercise slipped out of my routine as work and family commitments grew (as did my waistline), but as I’ve recently knocked the Rust off my dumbbells, I’m reminded of the palliative restoration that comes from pumping iron and death metal.

“Ravenous Leech” // Guts (Nightmare Fuel) – Scuzzy, groovy, and unapologetically fun, Nightmare Fuel is filled to the gills with mid-paced chugs that make a great soundtrack for AMRAP workouts. While most of Guts’ bloody remnants will Fuel your workout, spinning “Ravenous Leech” is sure to leave you hungry for even more punishment.

“By Lead or Steel” // Barbarous (Initium Mors) – Does Cannibal Corpse feature heavily in your gym listening? If so, consider Barbarous, who channels similar vibes and vitriol with less viscera. It’ll make you want to drink motör oil and punch babies, and that’s the kind of shove you need when you’re out on swole patrol.2

“Kaltfront” // Eisbrecher (Kaltfront) – Something about heavy distortion, dance-adjacent electronics, and gravelly vocals makes ‘New German Hardness’ prime listening for calculated and efficient movements. With near imperceptible head bops and a commitment to perfect form, this “Kaltfront” leaves me focused and hard as a block of ice.

“Hope Terminator” // Cytotoxin (Biographyte) – Plenty of great death metal jams spurn gym-list inclusion with slow-build intros, not getting to proper stankin’ until they’re well into the track. Cytotoxin knows better, immediately flaying you with technicality. “Hope Terminator’ is the perfect mid-playlist piece to curb fatigue and keep your spirit engorged.

“Let There Be Oblivion” // Ade (Supplicium) – Rome’s Ade lays down a banger of a riff on “Let There Be Oblivion,” and it’s long and strong enough to push me through a set or two. If I’m struggling during a workout, whether in motivation or physically, I need every ounce of energy I can muster, and songs like this one can be the tipping point.

“Blinding Oblivion” // Depravity (Bestial Possession) – Like Guts’ Nightmare Fuel, Bestial Possession boasts track after track of gym-ready scorchers. I chose “Blinding Oblivion” 1. to maintain consistency with “Let There Be Oblivion” and 2. because something about the subtle melody in the song gives it an air of refreshment that I need as the demands of my workout ramp to a frothing climax.

“Elevator Operator” // Electric Callboy (Elevator Operator) – It’s dumb, it’s trite, and it’s so devastatingly catchy that it sticks in my head for days on end. Most importantly, it makes me want to move things up and down, and I won’t apologize for that.

“Sunlight Covenant” // Spire of Lazarus (Those Who Live in Death) – I don’t dabble in deathcore often, but when I do, it’s usually technical, symphonic, and anthemic. Spire of Lazarus crafts just the right blend of their core components to make “Sunlight Covenant” a certified HMH banger. As a bonus, try to time it so that the track hits on your last set of the day—the melody and backing swells make a triumphant send-off as you clinch the last rep and wipe down the bench. You wiped the bench, right?

“Fossilized” // Ültra Raptör (Fossilized) – This song has stayed close since I first laid ears on it, and not once has it failed to engage the hype machine. Whether warming up, working out, or cooling down, the classic retro riffs and sunglasses-at-night nonchalance define a cool I strive for, and motivation like that is the key to gainz.

Dolph Does Heavy This Time:3

“Mortuary Rites” // Mörtual (Altar of Brutality) – Blood boils fastest with a roto-tom take off followed by a death-thrash pummel. As churning pit energy converts to flared nostrils, focused vision, and engorged fibers at the crack of a incessant stick, find a slow and steady breath as your body prepares for war.

“Tlazolteotl” // Kalaveraztekah (Nikan Axkan) – The beat of a clanging snare threatens whatever weighted structure exists in your path. “Tlazolteotl” marches ever forward through growling twists, hardwood clack, and flute-led guitar abandon. A brief respite of acoustics awaits—but so does the real bulk of this journey.

“Black Scrawl” // Pupil Slicer (Fleshwork) – Feedback, growling bass, pneumatic kicks, and an urgent snarl—Pupil Slicer demands your full thrust. With this affixing hardcore anchor, “Black Scrawl” will carry you to your first peak push with a dragging breakdown coda.

“Swamp Mentality” // The Acacia Strain (You Are Safe from God Here) – Rest does not come to those who push only once, though. The burn of your resolve will light the path in the angst and mire and core-fluid whiplash of “Swamp Mentality.” And Vincent Bennett’s tattered and spit-riddled mic will provide an extra OUGH to your exhale.

“Orphans” // Dormant Ordeal (Tooth and Nail) – If you could tether your pulse to the relentless kick assaults that Chason Westmoreland brings to “Orphans”—all of Tooth and Nail really—your spotter wouldn’t be able to find dial emergency fast enough to save you. Instead, search for the heavier weighted tempo that exists between the pitter-patter as your guide. In this space, relentless and emotive riff runs and lead wails coalesce into one of the most threatening thrash-pit breaks of the year. Harness this power.

“The Great Day of His Wrath” // Blindfolded (What Seeps through Threads) – In vicious harmonized splendor, Blindfolded’s neoclassical scale hopping riffage possesses a buoyancy that is vital to remaining invigored. And whipping around bleating and squealing mic energy with resplendent solo work, “The Great Day of His Wrath” both maintains your demanding schedule and restores a lightness to your being before the heaviest pulls come to play.

“Retina” // Pillars of Cacophony (Paralipomena) – Neoclassical drama, however, doesn’t always seek to restore with its airy play. “Retina” arrives, rather, with a mechanical and and programmed structure that functions as a scaffold upon which ascending scale iterations match your own gradual and gravity-creating climb. As the pinch-happy shuffle sneers in precision stank-face deployment, resist the urge to discharge your steel load into the earth.

“Lunar Tear” // Barren Path (Grieving) – In any routine, no matter how structured, a moment of ferocious release can provide a benefit. Before this playlist enters its most grueling minutes, a lightning-speed romp in the grips of endless blasts and riffs exists to shake off the inertia that can result from testing your limits.

“Heaping Pile of Electrified Gore” // Pissgrave (Malignant Worthlessness) – We are all filth—corpses brought to life by the signals we create. Synapses creating chains from proximal to distal drive our movements from concept to power. Through squelching refrain and lockstep death metal assault, fibers at the edge of their load-bearing capacity persist and persevere in the midst of Pissgrave’s shifting and grimy rhythms.

“Bursting with Life’s True Fruit” // Umulamahri (Learning the Secrets of Acid) – Guttural expression unlocks the last inches of a tough pull. As we channel Doug Moore’s garbage disposal tier phlegmanations into our own tidal vibrations, we visualize the final set. We are victorious. And in a celebratory expression of might, we slip into Umulamahri’s enlightened synth dissolution. Those who float cannot collapse.

First things first: 2025 was not what I consider a lodestar of great metal. I was much more miserly than usual with my high scores, and though there were a lot of albums I liked, there were not many I truly loved. I had fewer issues curating my Top Ten than usual, with a smaller pool of contenders jockeying for slots. That likely means 2026 will be an overwhelming pornocopia of metal goodness, as flat years are usually followed by market booms. Let’s hope the historic trends continue.

On the AMG front, we had a great many seasoned staffers bow out and take time away from the site, which is always a sad event, but we got a healthy infusion of new blood, too. Hopefully, the blend of new and old will provide new perspectives, but it’s sure to result in some awful takes, too. We apologize for that in advance. Fear not, though, for I have it on good authority that a few long-absent writers will be making a shocking return in the new year.

Personally, 2025 was my least productive year in a while as far as the sheer number of reviews churned out. This was mostly due to my taking on the enormous duties of promo sump management, which takes up a significant amount of time weekly. I’ve gotten faster and more efficient at the promo herding over the year, so I hope to push my review production back up to massive aggressive levels in 2026. I love this little blog, and I invest a lot of myself in it each day. It gives me peace and comfort through challenging times, and more importantly, it keeps me off the streets looking for seedy, low-rent metal blogs to write for.

As I do every year, I want to extend a big thank you to all the readers who grace our pages, comment on our reviews, complain about scores, and generally raise a ruckus. We appreciate you, tolerate you, and continue to do our best to entertain you. Behind the scenes, though, we think you are a bunch of overrating, high-maintenance, diva do-nothings. Keep up the good work and tell your friends about us!

I’d also like to thank all the old and new staff members and AMG Himself for their efforts to keep AMG the bastion of high opinions that it has become. It’s easy to suffer burnout here, and there are times when the words all seem to blur together, and it becomes a battle to formulate new ways to describe shitty, lo-fi death metal. There’s something highly satisfying about the work, though, and doing it with a bunch of lovable rejects makes it all the more so. We have a good group of misfits here, and though we bicker and argue, we love one another most of the time. Because of all this goodwill and affection, I hope none of them make me sabbaticalize them this year. The wood chipper is still clogged from last year’s bonanza of retirements, and I’m just too busy to take cadavers apart the old-fashioned way. Onward to new horizons we fly!

#ish: Nite // Cult of the Serpent Sun – Nite is a strange band that challenges me to look past some very one-dimensional vocals to find the beauty in their guitar-driven righteousness. The music they create is so perfectly in my wheelhouse, mixing the classic 80s sound of Mercyful Fate with the burly badassery of Grand Magus, then they slather their compositions with a blackened snarl that rarely shifts or adapts to the epic music. Sometimes it seems this choice holds them back from greatness, but I just kept returning to Cult of the Serpent Sun time and again in 2025. Songs like “Crow (Fear the Night),” “Carry On,” and “The Winds of Sokar” got spun to death this year, and the guitar work across the album is stellar and so metal it hurts. In a nutshell, I’m hooked on this weird little album despite the shortcomings in the vocal department. Give yourself to the Nite.

#10. Disembodiment// Spiral Crypts – One of the death metal albums that really stuck to ribs this year, Spiral Crypts just wouldn’t unstick itself or go away. Disembodiment brings the OSDM hammer down on you with a stinky, putrid sound that rips organs from all the big names to create a shambling monstrosity all their own. It’s Incantation and Autopsy up front, with a vaguely Death-like prog sheen hidden in the back. Yet this won’t impress with techy wanking, because they’re too busy fucking cadavers and eating human flesh. Nasty first wins in the House of Steel, and this shit is gross but so listenable and entertaining. The riffs are slithery, slappy, and powerful, and those vocals are as much like an industrial garbage disposal as you can get without permanent throat disaster. Get yourself some unsanitary napkins and blast this filth really loud. It’s worth the revolting mess.

#9. Helstar // The Devil’s Masquerade – I grew up loving Helstar, and their Burning Star and Remnants of War albums were in constant rotation during my high school years. They’ve had an up-and-down career since 1989’s Nosterfatu, so them hitting their stride again in 2025 on The Devil’s Masquerade was a huge thrill for Yours Steely. Their textbook blend of US power metal and prog burns bright once more, with nods to thrash mixed in liberally for added asskickery as the guitars shred and impress. Vocal legend James Rivera still sounds enormous and powerful, and the songcraft is shockingly good and consistent. Certain moments scream classic Helstar while also hinting at Rivera’s criminally underrated Destiny’s End project, and there are several nods to prime Nevermore as well. The Devil’s Masquerade does the Helstar legacy proud, and it’s easily the best thing they’ve done since Nosferatu. Let this one in for a bite.

#8. Brainstorm // Plague of Rats – Brainstorm have been one of, if not the most reliable metal acts of the last few decades. Album after album brings a muscular, burly blend of classic metal and power, and time after time they kill it with massive anthems and sick hooks you just can’t shake. Plague of Rats follows the great Wall of Skulls and almost equals it in terms of memorable songs and metal magic. Andy B. Franck continues to be one of the best vocalists in all of metal, and when given tremendous songs to work with like “Garuda (Eater Of Snakes),” The Shepherd Girl (Gitavoginda),” and “Beyond Enemy Lines,” you get molten metal gold. The writing is rock solid with several Songs o’ the Year contenders, and the riffs and vocals are a thing of savage beauty. I love these guys more than I love red meat and hobo wine (almost).

#7. Under Ruins // Age of the Void – Formed by members of the highly underappreciated Lansfear and the cheesy King Diamond wannabes, Them,1 Under Ruins bring a polished, super slick form of epic power metal to the party on their Age of the Void debut. What makes their sound so immediate for me is how it ranges from Manowar-esque chest-thumping anthems to massive epic metal like Atlantean Kodex, and on to old-timey prog metal akin to the early days of Fates Warning, with some other interesting stops along the way. It’s enough like Lansfear to hook me in, but Under Ruins operate with a much broader vision and scope. “Whispered Curses, Woe Unleashed” is my Song o’ the Year, full of melancholic emotion but still bringing the thunder in the way vintage Tad Morose and Pryamaze did. The chorus has been ringing through my head all year, and I can’t escape it. Nor should you. Get under these ruins.

#6. Ambush // Evil in All Dimensions – When traditional and power metal are done properly, they can kick your ass and provide a massive jolt of fun at the same time. That’s exactly what Sweden’s Ambush does all over Evil in All Dimensions. Taking equal measurements of trad and power, they craft rip-roaring anthems to thunder, fire, steel, and make sure the hooks are plentiful. I defy you to blast the title track, “Maskirovka,” or “Bending the Steel” and not feel a rush of power in your veins. The riffs are pure 80s magic, and let me just mention Oskar Jacobsson’s vocals, because they are HUGE. This shit is 100% balls-to-the-walls energy; the songs have legs and demand repeat spins. This is one of the most infectious albums of 2025, and I think I may have underrated it a tad. Get your sack to the partition, pronto.

#5. Anchorite // Realm of Ruin – Taking the classic doom template of Candlemass and Solitude Aeternus and injecting it with the burly machismo of trve metal usually works, and in the case of Anchorite’s Realm of Ruin, it works extra hard! Beefy riffs drive the material to epic heights as doomy harmonies decorate the war wagon. Over the top of it all, Leo Stivala delivers strident, commanding vocals to embiggen the spirit. Cuts like the massive “The Lighthouse Chronicles” merge Paradise Lost with Crypt Sermon and deliver emotional doom with a touch of Nevermore’s moody power. Standout “The Apostate’s Prayer” is a top moment of 2025, and Stivala soars to grand heights, carrying the listener along with him, and “Kingdom Undone” brings in a touch of power metal with grand results and a killer chorus. A surprisingly varied and nuanced album, and one of the top doom platters of the year.

#4. Professor Emeritus // A Land Long Gone – Professor Emeritus may have one of the worst names in the metalverse, but their take on trve epic metal and doom more than make up for that oversight. A Land Long Gone is everything a fan of the trve genre could want, with big, bombastic compositions with hooks, bells, and whistles aplenty. This stuff brings the Manowar to the Candlemass recording session, with big loincloth energy adding to the slow-burning doom power. There are hints of Doomsword and Manilla Road along the road to high adventure, and everything is kept sword-friendly and mighty. “A Corpse’s Dream” is one of my favorite songs of the year, and I love the blending of styles they achieve, and “Zosimos” brings in copious Iron Maiden influences to bedazzle the Crypt Sermon-esque doom they deliver with aplomb. This is the kind of Professor I wish I had during my school years, so listen and learn!

#3. Paradise Lost // Ascension – I’ve followed Paradise Lost since 1991s Gothic release, and I stuck with them until they became Depeche Lost circa 2000. I came back when they went metal again, and though none of their third-stage albums floored me, I liked them enough to keep buying what they sold. That pattern changed with Ascension, which is every bit as powerful, heavy, and vibrant as their glory days, while showing a maturity and sophistication even the classics lack. Let me just come out and say it: I underrated this album, and for that, I feel some degree of fault. Ascension plays like a grand tour of the varied Paradise Lost eras, but nothing ends up feeling recycled. “Serpent on the Cross” is a killer opener featuring everything I ever loved about the band, and cuts like “Tyrants Serenade” and “Salvation” are amongst the best songs of their long-running career. Where I originally felt like the back half of the album was less stellar, I’ve come to love the complete package, and I think this is among the best Paradise Lost albums. Olde dogs can still bite!

#2. Fer De Lance // Fires on the Mountainside – Competing with Anchorite and Professor Emeritus for the best trve doom album of 2025, Fer De Lance brought the biggest sword to the warfield. Fires on the Mountainside has it all; massive trveness, battle-ready classic metal, nods to black and Viking metal, it’s all here and ready for action. Take one listen ot the mammoth title track, and you’ll accumulate more back hair in 7 minutes than you did in all of 2025 as the music takes you from Crypt Sermon-esque classic doom on through Hammerheart era Bathory with touches of folk along the way.2 This is music for heroes who laugh in the face of death. When the black metal element comes forward, you get gems like “Ravens Fly (Dreams of Daidalos),” and when they dial down to the epic doom side, you get monsters like “Death Thrives (Where Walls Divide)” where vocal maniac MP Papai goes all in, and channels Lost Horizon’s Daniel Heiman. If you spin this thing and don’t gain 2 inches on your biceps, you have Chronic Untrveness Disorder.

#1. Structure // Heritage – In a year when I was merely whelmed by much of what I heard, Structure came out of nowhere to drop an industrial earth mover of atmospheric doom on my life. The brainchild of Bram Bijlhout (ex-Officium Triste), Heritage finds him delivering a massive treatise on emotionally harrowing sadness and grief, aided by the killer vocals of Pim Blankenstein (Officium Triste, ex-The 11th Hour). Over the 50 minutes of Heritage, the duo drag you to the heart of sadness, loss, and despair as only thoughtful, well-executed doom can. Yet there are faint rays of light and hope in the inky black, mostly in the form of Bram’s beautiful, delicate guitar work, which weaves ethereal magic through the dour, downtrodden material. Heritage is a very dark album, but it’s rife with genuine beauty too, just as life often is. I’ve spun this thing more than any other 2025 release, and it keeps calling me back to its black womb. There’s something truly special here, and you shouldn’t miss out on experiencing it. This is your Heritage now.

Honorable Mentions:

• An Tóramh // Echoes of Eternal Night – Massive, crushing funereary doom with a great sense of atmosphere
• Phobocosm // Gateway – One of the best slabs of oppressive cavern-core death metal you’ll be squished by this year
• Plasmodulated // An Ocean ov Putrid, Stinky, Vile, Disgusting Hell – One of the oddest and endearing death metal albums of late
• Depravity // Bestial Possession – Brutal, blasting, splatterifying death metal that cannot be contained or reasoned with
• Diabolizer // Murderous Revelations – Fast, brutal, burly death metal that gives no fucks as it activates your dental plan
• Guts // Nightmare Fuel – Groove-heavy death metal with big stoner rock vibes should not work, but it does here
• Black Soul Horde // Symphony of Chaos – Epic heavy/power metal with more hooks than the local meat packery run by I. M. Pinhead
• Starlight Ritual // Rogue Angels – Imagine Lemmy joined Di’Anno era Iron Maiden and wrote some epic shit
• Amorphis // Borderlands – Amorphis return to form in a fan service release full of hooks and classic Amorphy moments
• Wytch Hazel // V: Lamentations – Maybe not their best album, but you can’t escape the ear glue of their NWoBHM meets 70s prog rock style

Triumph o’ the Year:

Our little blogworks received a glowing mention in none other than Rolling Stone Magazine, and no one was more surprised than we here at AMG International. It’s nice to see our efforts getting noticed, even in the world of professional music journalism, which we don’t discuss with fans.

Tragedy o’ the Year:

The passing of Ozzy Osbourne. We all knew it was coming, but not this soon. I didn’t expect it to hit me quite as hard as it did, or for the feeling of loss to linger as long as it has. This marks the definitive end of an era and the loss of a Founding Father of metal without peer. At least he went out the way he wanted: with a loud bang and crash. Have a glorious journey into eternity, Ozzman. You will always be missed.

Song(s) o’ the Year:

Under Ruins – “Whispered Curses, Woe Unleashed” – Massive epic goodness with big emotions.



Brainstorm – “The Shepherd Girl (Gitavoginda)” – So damn metal it gives me an iron hangover.



Disappointment o’ the Year:

Dark Angel // Extinction Level Event – What a prophetic album title this was, eh? After 1991s Time Does Not Heal, Dark Angel promised a new album. They promised it while I was in college, then grad school, then law school, during my first marriage, after my divorce, and over the next several decades. When they finally deliver something, and it’s the equivalent of third-rate re-thrash with only vague nods to their original sound, calling it disappointing doesn’t begin to cover it. We received the promo for Extinction Level Event in time to review it, and I was eager to do the job. After one listen, however, I realized the public was going to brutally savage this thing, and I didn’t see the point in adding another head stomp to a band I grew up worshipping. This is now the primary example of why it’s best to leave a legacy safely in the past, where it can live evergreen.

Show 2 footnotes

1. Yes, I said that, Grier. ↩
2. Yes, there’s a vague hint of Ed Sheeran’s “I See Fire” in the chorus, but don’t talk about it! ↩

Dolphin Whisperer

Thus Spoke and I go way back. In fact, after our successful graduation from the same n00b class and into our first list season as full article writers, we had imagined that us two as a listing pair would produce a lethal and novel whiplash.1 So welcome to the bottom (or top) half of this eclectic endeavor that’s sure to leave you with thirty-some-odd unique albums to revisit or ignore or whatever it is you do with our strong and word-riddled opinions.

Now, the keen reader may notice I’ve had a bit of a productivity drop-off since about June. Well, that’s cause my wife gave birth to The Dolphlet, first of his name, and that’s kind of a lot of work, as I’m finding out. Baby comes first, as it goes. But I squeaked out a few important things, including a Coroner review that the unwashed masses claimed didn’t jerk Tommy Baron and co. as full of glee as it should have. I did miss other important things, like several of my list items.2. And I sincerely apologize to the following bands and offer them words of condolence or, something like that, based upon their individual situation: Bonginator, you should be glad I dropped the ball, stop it with the lame interludes; and count your blessings, Hell Ever After, thrash doesn’t need to be a musical; Species, you did thrash right though and I’m happy that others enjoyed you even more; Moths, and more specifically bassist Weslie Negron, I’m sorry that I took on your interview when my son was one month old and my brain was fried—your album rocks and you put in so much work to make Moths special. And lastly, to all the classics, I had grand plans to YMIO because I thought my brain could make that work—haha.3

Angry Metal Guy, however, remains home for me. You, dear readers, are a part of that love and drive that keep me here. Sometimes, I may only be able to conjure a half-funny joke in the comments section—you laugh (let me believe that) and give it two to five likes. Others, I may hype the heck out of a promising underground act until one of my trusted colleagues tells me “Dolph, that’s enough already, I’ll review it, sheesh.”—you liked it probably more than I did anyway. You see, for every word of bleeding hyperbole that we scribble, two sets of eyes may walk away enraptured. When you’re dealing with artists who have anywhere from sub-100 to 30004 listeners on the popularity engine of Spotify, every set counts. Every purchase on Bandcamp or Ampwall counts. Every stream on Tidal or some other competitor counts. Even your damn scrobble on last.fm counts if you’re nerdy enough for that. So sappy as it may seem, along with the herding efforts of Steel and occasionally The Big Dr. AMG Man Himself, you all give life to the bands in this wonderful modern metal scene. Hails!!

#ish. Messa // The Spin – I can’t rid myself of the power that a soaring bluesy lick and a smoky siren voice hold, no matter how I try. Burned into my head are The Spin’s glassy chorused-out chorus escalations. Drenched into the cones of my crackling car speakers are the synth throbs of certified shakers “Fire on the Roof” and “Thicker Blood.” Turn up the volume and turn down the lights, Messa has come to steal attention with yet another platter of throwback creativity.

#10. Quadvium // Tetradōm – Steve DiGiorgio and Jeroen Paul Thesseling stand at the altar of supreme metal bassists in my own personal head canon. They’d helm yours too if you were familiar with the span of their collective talents across acts like Death, Sadus, Autopsy, (DiGiorgio), and Pestilence, Obscura, Sadist (Thesseling). Knowing all this, they decided to make an album together. And in their refinement as performers, they managed to make a supergroup two-bass project more than just a thumpy wankfest. Full of diverse and rich tones, modern and proggy jitteriness, and a rounded, jazz fusion-leaning taste for exploration, Tetradōm provides an exciting notch in the weathered belt of these legends. I don’t know where Quadvium goes next after this, but I hope that it’s anything but dormant.

#9. Scardust // Souls – Every time I hear the introductory stumble of “Long Forgotten Song,” I fall immediately into the spastic and serenading world that Scardust crafts with their hypermelodic, histrionic, and confident progressive metal attitude. Central to this success remains the peerless Noa Gruman, whose every melody lands with honey-slathered tack and sing-a-long inspiration, despite my voice being a far, far cry away from the searing soprano wail that functions as a mic-drop crescendo as often as it needs to. Behind her, though, lies one of modern prog’s most nimble rhythm sections, imbuing even ballads like “Dazzling Darkness” and “Searing Echoes” with a bass-popping and hi-hat chattering clamor that places Souls in a league of its own. Also, Ross Jennings of Haken sounds better here than he has with Haken since The Mountain.

#8. Chiasma // Reaches – Chiasma possesses the unique ability to blend in with the modern paradigm of accessible melody prog in the lane of a band like Tesseract without conforming to its most djentrified tendencies. Rather, floating in its own swirl of Cynic-coded riffage and angelic, layered vocal excess, Reaches explodes with atmosphere and propulsive riff alike. In Katie Thompson’s nimble serenades rests a voice imbued with both a fluttering prowess and an aching heart. And in this sorrow—wrapped in the brightness of bleeping electronic backings, flipping virtuosic guitar runs, and singular voice—a yearning and healing takes place in fervent and fluorescent splendor.

#7. Dawnwalker // The Between – Just when I thought Dawnwalker didn’t have any more surprises left in their bag of tricks that seem tailor-made for my enjoyment,5 these sneaky Brits went and pulled out the one-long-song album. Continuing to live in the space of esoteric philosophy set forth in The Unknowing last year, Dawnwalker collects moods from all their previous works—the melancholy of isolation from In Rooms, the vocal aggression from Human Ruins, a sonic palette even grander in scope than Ages—to explore thoughts surrounding death. In lush construction, plaintive discourse, and time-bending magic, The Between breathes as a meditation bookended by heavy chiming bells—a journey that feels longer than its svelte 30-ish minute runtime but with none of the fatigue its gargantuan ask threatens. 6

#6. Gorycz // Zasypia – It’s a shame that Gorycz isn’t a household name, as their mystical, groovy approach to atmospheric and retching black metal sits among my favorites in the genre as a whole. Zasypia, as part three of a trilogy, tells a tale of despair through a warping pedalboard light on traditional distortion, shrieking throat on the edge of coherence,7 and dancing kit full of jazzy aplomb. In the space that lives between recursive and developing refrains, terror lurks. But in the Gorycz tattered exhale hangs a reverence for the beauty that can emerge from destruction and grieving. Feel every amplified string creak as you fall deeper into this devastating world.

#5. Lychgate // Precipice – You may be aware that this album was released on the 19th of December, a full two days after we were supposed to turn in these lists. Knowing that, I made sure I beat Precipice to the punch of garbage time list upheaval by listening to it, well, before that. In turn, Lychgate made sure that they’d make this late-season blooming count. With the death-thrash spirit of an early Morbid Angel crashing through low-end organ harmony and colliding with Holdsworthian alien guitar bleating, Precipice holds back neither on its urge to wander in arcane atmosphere nor on its urge to churn bodies in kinetic wonder. As another writer (whose name I can’t remember) said, Precipice ensnares by “…oscillating between Zappa’s Jazz from Hell and unearthly, pit-scorching acrobatics.” I couldn’t have put it better myself.8

#4. Barren Path // Grieving – The best grindcore album of the decade so far would come from the manic attack of Gridlink sans Jon Chang. Absent his terrifying shriek, Matsubara’s guitar scatter weighs heavier, Fajarado’s lightning snare rolls clang sharper, all against song lengths that inhabit the true short-form tradition of extreme brevity. The truth is, I’ve spent longer than the album’s length trying to convey its intensity and prowess, so just go and listen to it already. I’ll wait here. No, seriously, do it.

#3. Turian // Blood Quantum Blues – So very rare is the album that aligns like a key to a lock of a heart torn by generational angst. An eloquence exists in the disparity between Turian’s stark societal observations punctuated by raw emotional interjections of “FUCK”. I haven’t bothered to count the instances that this linguistic escalation occurs, but I guarantee that there are more fucks per stanza on Blood Quantum Blues than your favorite album this year. And, after you’ve become addicted to its overdriven noise rock-meets-hardcore-meets-industrial madness, you’ll know every single one as you shout along its contemptuous tales of cultural erasure. Indians don’t vanish, and neither will my love for every riff, every breakdown, and every tirade of Blood Quantum Blues.

#2. Changeling // Changeling – Tom “Fountainhead” Geldschläger poured everything into Changeling. Arranging over thirty performers across Changeling’s seems Sisyphean in scope, but Geldschläger persevered. Through peerless fretless wailings, every instrument under the sun follows well-developed motifs, and a pure love for metal, Changeling expresses nostalgia and novelty in its every loaded nook and cranny. And behind each moment of dense and exuberant songcraft, Geldschläger has tinkered to deliver an experience that feels carved over a lifetime. On top of all of that, Geldschläger is also a true guitar wizard—he zigs and zags and twists and twirls where others wear a scale to death. Like a classic novel or movie, Changeling reveals its worth both in immediate, jaw-dropping action and deep, attention-stealing detail. Geldschläger even put together a Dolby Atmos mix for the album and held listening parties in Berlin. I hear they’re wonderful. Come to California, Tom!

#1. Maud the Moth // The Distaff – When we seek art, we seek bravery and freedom of expression. And in the music that we seek in a refuge like Angry Metal guy, we often find these qualities expressed in emotional theme, in raw, sonic aggression, or in sweeping guitar-led grandeur. Woven from a different base cloth, Maud the Moth on paper does not fit that mold. Amaya López-Carromero wields, instead, a piano and scrawled diary pages. She, too, has pain, the same as any human who has encountered a world unforgiving to a life that wishes to live in a divergent path. And like the artists we value—or rather, like the artists I value—Amaya presents her vision of this struggle with focused and expanding melodic lines, crushing and crying crescendos, and an earnestness that compels its audience to surrender for a moment to a world created by these musical ideas. When your sadness comes, it won’t weep in blacks and ivories the way that The Distaff does. But you can pop it on and pretend for its run that its triumph will transfer from your ears to the very center of your tingling chest.

Honorable Mentions:

• Pissgrave // Malignant Worthlessness – Tempos that flow like a full sewage pipe and riffage that doesn’t let up until the steaming and warped conclusion. The Pissgrave family flows as one heaving death-fueled machine, and it’s sad to see them close shop. But they left us with a monster of a swansong.
• Dormant Ordeal // Tooth and Nail – Pummeling and emotionally resonant—if a bit ham-fisted in some lyrical choices—Tooth and Nail represents the ideal form so far of what Dormant Ordeal can achieve with their gut-wrenching take on the Polish death metal sound.
• Sterveling // Sterveling – The backdrop of black metal on what is otherwise downcast jam music makes for a combo that is both hypnotic and uncontested in the space. It helps that the vocalist lets out some of the most demented howls I’ve heard this year.
• 夢遊病者 // РЛБ30011922 – Speaking of jam music, 夢遊病者 has, over time, morphed from a more frenetic math rock-indebted experience to this current, flowing state of progressive tone porn. 2025 was a good year for the one-song album. And much like Dawnwalker’s The Between, it takes up about thirty minutes and some change. Restraint, class, and fat bass heaven.
• Aversed // Erasure of Color – I’m not normally one for melodic death metal. But when it comes packaged with this much mic vitriol and a neoclassical sense that reminds me of the late, great Nevermore,9 I pay attention. And I spin it again and again and again—constant rotation since arrival.
• Yellow Eyes // Confusion Gate – Certain albums that come out late in the year suffer greatly because their true power lies in remaining interesting and unfolding over a long period of time. Immersion Trench Reverie is a special album, and Confusion Gate feels like its sequel. Comfy and caustic all at once.
• Moths // Septem – As the premier progressive metal band from Puerto Rico, Moths has a loaded mission to make a name for themselves. And with another album that keeps its runtime tight and its riffweight heavy, Septem deserves your attention for half an hour and then some. Hey, look, it’s on Ampwall too!
• Grayceon // Then the Darkness – Cello metal at its finest and most relatable. Despite advances in chamber inclusion throughout the metalsphere, not a single band sounds like Grayceon yet. And their songwriting quality remains so high that I don’t care that this album is just about eighty minutes.
• Helms Deep // Chasing the Dragon – There’s a dragon with a jetpack on the cover. I shouldn’t need to say more than that. But note also that Chasing the Dragon comes also loaded with rollicking ’80s flair and pentatonic guitar wizardry that’s so out of fashion it’s cool again. This is metal.

Disappointments o’ the Year:

• Suffering Hour // Impelling Rebirth and Umulamahri // Learning the Secrets of Acid – You’ll see more words about these later, cause they are great. And they are EPs. That’s not enough music when this quality exists.

Songs o’ the Year:

Why give you one when I can give you twenty-seven? Why twenty-seven? That’s my secret. Now, I’ve talked enough. Go out there and enjoy some music, friends. And enjoy this photo of my dogs eating. And the Dolphlet admiring them!



Thus Spoke

I’ve been blindsided by the year’s end again, and now have to find some interesting things to say about 2025. Other than the fact that I turned 3010, my main personal Thing ov Significance is that I managed to land myself a new job, which I’ll start in the new year.11 Don’t worry, though, I won’t be girl-bossing too hard to have time for AMG.

Musically, 2025 has been a (small) step down from 2024 for me, although this could just be due to my attention deficit. I’ve had my finger less firmly on the pulse in the last six months, such that several albums, by artists I like, many on this list, either took me completely by surprise on release day, or crossed my radar barely any sooner, thanks to me actually checking Slack for once. I don’t have any well-defined excuse for this outside of plain old burnout plus terrible organization. On the other hand, the fact that I didn’t review most of my favorite records this year means that I can bat away criticisms of self-indulgence by having a year-end list mostly comprised of albums I didn’t write about. One thing I am happy to have achieved this year is running my first AMG Ranking piece on Panopticon. It might be the most verbose and least exciting of its kind for the majority of site readers, but being forced to immerse myself that extensively in the discography of an artist I love was very cool (albeit intense).

Speaking of my own erratic presence at HQ, leads me on to the hiatus (official or not) of several wonderful people among the staff, particularly my list-buddy Maddog, whom I miss very much. They all have good reasons, and I support them immensely, even if it means fewer of their excellent reviews. Fortunately, we’ve also welcomed many newcomers to our ranks who can pick up my slack in their stead, and whose reviews help me improve my own writing whilst also appending to the endless list of Things I Must Listen To.

As my extensive yapping here shows, my ability to meet a word count hasn’t improved much. Before finally moving on to the list, I’ll take the chance to reiterate my gratitude for everyone reading this, and some people who might not be. Thank you to all the staff for collectively making this all possible, and giving me the opportunity to speak about music and for people—you guys—to actually read it. Thank you for reading. Even if our tastes are completely opposed and you think I’m wrong about everything, I’m glad you’re here.

Now for the bit people actually care about.

#ish. Panopticon // Songs of Hiraeth – Quietly12 released alongside Laurentian Blue, Songs of Hiraeth is a collection of songs composed between 2009-2011 that never saw the light of day. In it, you can hear the incredible development of Panopticon’s signature emotionally swelling black metal style in this period, and this record, like virtually all of them, as I repeated in my ranking blurbs, is gorgeously, absorbingly heartfelt and powerful. Unlike you might expect, it actually increases in intensity as it progresses (for me), with the final trifecta of “The End is Drawing Near,” “A Letter,” and “The Eulogy” all gunning for my Songs o’ the Year playlist with first devastating rage and fury, then heartbroken solemnity and sublime melody throughout. I guess it’s not fully in the list purely because it’s not a ‘proper’ new release, or whatever.

#10. Grima // Nightside – It could have been easy to forget about Grima, given its dropping right on the cusp of the stacked Spring release season we had this year, and the fact that I didn’t instantly mark it down for a TYMHM as with Clouds. But I didn’t forget. Despite their wintry aesthetic, Grima’s music warms my heart with folky magic and ardent blackened blizzards. Nightside is no exception, its warmth coming this time from a renewed emphasis on the atmosphere and bayan after the higher energies of Frostbitten. I love intense, harsh, frosty black metal, and I love how Grima do it (“Impending Death Premonition,” “Where We are Lost”). But what I love most of all about Grima is how they pair that with their folky tendencies, and the way—as Sharky pointed out—Vilhelm’s rasps graze over it all. This culminates, for me, in the more mournful and urgent tone of several tracks on Nightside, where intense moments still feel dreamlike (“The Nightside”), and vocals breathe like ghostly whispers (“Mist and Fog”). It’s not my favorite Grima record (that’s probably Rotten Garden), but being a Grima record at all, given their caliber, means it’s bloody great and has to be on my list.

#9. Bianca // Bianca – Here’s an excellent example of a record I very likely would never have heard were it not for the AMG writer community. And wow, am I grateful I did. Ken‘s description alone caught my interest, let alone the tidbit that the project includes two members of another 2025 favorite of mine, Patristic.13 It takes familiar concepts from metal, both post—ethereal atmospheres and haunting singing—and extreme—sky-piercing shrieks, undulating, relentless double-bass, and tangled guitar blizzards—but sounds like nothing else. Even in combining these elements, Bianca stands alone. The coalescence of blackened, doomed, ambient layers is mesmerizing, the pitches upward into mania, and lapses back into mournful mystique, captivating. Throat-gripping furor arrests me more inextricably than almost anything else this year (“Abysmal,” “Nachthexe”), and transcendent melodies forged from this black fire lift me fully out of my body (“Abysmal,” “Todestrieb”). I’ve been in love since.

#8. Der Weg Einer Freiheit // Innern – Innern’s influence on me was subtle and insidious. I would just put it on, be absorbed—or be sucked back in periodically, if I was working and not concentrating on it—and suddenly it would end. Then I’d listen to it again. Der Weg Einer Freiheit has been developing their particular intense, dark, atmospheric kind of (post-) black over the last decade or so, and with Innern, it’s approaching an apex. Through endlessly enveloping compositions, filled with fury and urgency (“Marter”) or solemn reflection and introspection (“Eos,” “Forlorn”), that flow seamlessly out of one another, Innern folds you insidiously into its depths. Compelling melodies, dynamic rushing percussion, and here-dramatic, there-soft-spoken vocals, each taking pieces and incorporating trials from Der Weg Einer Freiheit’s career so far, drive the thematic compositional thread through irresistibly. From the anticipatory opening shudders to the ebbing chords at its close, Innern is an experience best taken whole, and one I’ve indulged in countless times to go on this magnetic journey once again.

#7. Paradise Lost // Ascension – I never thought this would land here when first announced. Sure, I like Paradise Lost, but their back-catalog is so mixed (in style, let alone quality), that ‘liking’ them for me comes down to enjoying a handful of their now 17 albums. Even the singles’ being good failed to stir anything more than curiosity, given my experience with intra-album inconsistency. But when Ascension did finally grace my ears in full, it appropriately transcended any doubts and softened my heart towards these doom icons again.14 Paradise Lost were heavy again, melancholic and mopey again—in a cool, atmospheric way—and Ascension just flowed, with grungy aggression and sadboi introspection in perfect equilibrium. This easy, natural duality that characterizes Gothic metal, and Paradise Lost themselves as genre pioneers, when they’re at the top of their game, is exemplified in Ascension. Hopefully, the group can stay on this trajectory for number 18, if that comes.

#6. Clouds // Desprins – I don’t understand how Clouds are as good as they are. I mean this as no insult to the musicians; what stuns me is the depth of pathos, and the consistency with which they deliver it, given the relatively understated and idiosyncratic manner in which they execute it. Their characteristic flute-folk-funeral doom is so ethereally, painfully sad without being overwrought, melodramatic, or crushing. It took my n00bish breath away four years ago, and this year Desprins came and took it again; this time with pieces of my soul attached. The music is just so beautiful—unrelentingly bleak, but beautiful, and Clouds’ balance of the dark and the light through the synths and acoustics, and apathetic spoken-word is exquisite and deeply affecting. These composite melodies, swelling and trilling softly, are transportive for me—particularly “Life Becomes Lifeless,” “Chain Me,” “Sorrowbound,” and “Chasing Ghosts.” Desprins is everything I want funeral doom to be: a prolonged dream-state of melancholy that paradoxically brings me joy.

#5. Deafheaven // Lonely People with Power – I have never been a Deafheaven fan. In all honesty, I’m still not. Lonely People with Power fires me up and fills my soul, while the rest of their discography continues to leave me completely cold. It seems that, briefly departing from metal entirely with Infinite Granite, has matured their sound, adding layers to their edgy blackgaze. Even when indifferent, I never understood the scorn their music generates, and now that I’ve fallen for Lonely People with Power, it makes even less sense. Not only is the way Deafheaven are combining rich, beautiful melodies with—yes—brilliant black metal simply lovely to listen to, slick, seamless, sharp, etc, it’s also distinctive and engrossing. That’s before even getting into how emotionally resonant it is. And it’s not even like this means it can’t be heavy—heck, one of these tracks is on my Heavy Moves Heavy playlist. It’s not ‘cringe’; it’s a phenomenal record and one of the best to release this year.

#4. 1914 // Viribus Unitis – I have always been most moved—emotionally and aesthetically—by 1914’s brand of WWI-themed blackened-death than any other like act. Viribus Unitis somehow outdoes Where Fear and Weapons Meet, and possibly all of the band’s previous efforts, for evocativeness and being straightforward and compelling. From the now hallmark bookends “War In/Out” to frequent samples to lyrics infused with real soldier testimony, Viribus Unitis envelops the listener in this portal to the past through 1914’s most powerful, urgently melodic compositions. Every song is heavy, dramatic, and snappy in just the right amounts, resulting in a series of back-to-back bangers that also occasionally really, really hit home emotionally. “1918 Pt 3: ADE (A duty to escape)” does all the above to perfection and has received an almost embarrassing number of replays in the short time since release. But “1919 (The Home where I Died)” did actually make me cry,15 and its fade into “War Out” is the perfect end to the monumental achievement Viribus Unitis represents.

#3. Patristic // Catechesis – It seems that every year, I review one particular atmospheric-dissonant death metal record which dominates my listening in that subgenre, and instantly secures a year-end list spot. In 2023, Serpent of Old, last year Ulcerate16, and this year Patristic. Catechesis was an immediate, visceral love for me, and not once since June has it left rotation. Sinister and dark, but irresistible in its seamlessly flowing, captivating macro-composition narrated by roars and solemn sermonizing; it ends far too soon. And in addition to being beautifully atmospheric and magnetic in melody and dissonance alike, it stands out for truly insane performances in their own right. Specifically, the drumming, which continues to blow my mind and propels Catechesis from greatness into excellence with hypnotic, intelligent rhythmic interplay. Patristic’s uncanny ability to make extreme, inaccessible music incomprehensibly engrossing and a magnificent expression of its concept are why I can’t stop listening to Catechesis, and why it’s almost the best record of 2025.

#2. Qrixkuor // The Womb of the World – Much like reviewer Kenstrosity, whereas Qrixkuor’s debut Poison Palinopsia rewired my brain with its brilliance, I found follow-up Zoetrope a tad underwhelming. When said sponge began to hint, and then gush unstoppably about the duo’s second full-length, The Womb of the World, which was in his possession, vague hope turned to giddy excitement. Not only the twisted, psychedelic horror of their signature freeform blackened death would await me, but also a full live orchestra. Yet I still don’t think anything could have adequately prepared me for how massive and mad The Womb of the World actually is. With the strings, horns, and piano swooping and crashing about in great surges and falls, Qrixkuor’s already grandiose style fully feels like some tormented classical opus, and it’s utterly magnificent. Things so small as my words can’t do justice to the way the eerie and intense lurching orchestrals, maniacal snarling voices, and cavernous extreme metal combine to create some of the best things I have ever heard, ever. Weirdly memorable and violently compelling despite its monstrosity, I’ve become completely addicted to it since. Ken himself said, it is “a mastapeece for those to whom sanity is immaterial,” when he rightfully deemed it ‘Excellent’. If I must rescind soundness of mind to so esteem The Womb of the World, I will do so gladly.

#1. Cave Sermon // Fragile Wings – Last year, Divine Laughter went from unknown to #5 on my year-end list in about 2 weeks, so when I found out there was a follow-up—thanks to my new Flippered list buddy—I dropped everything.17 My stratospheric expectations were not only met, but they were lifted into outer space. I would fear for Cave Sermon’s ability to deliver in the future, but Fragile Wings itself dismisses any trepidation. So recognizably, uniquely Cave Sermon, it displays a new, more uplifting interpretation of their sound. A commenter pointed out the lack of reference to So Hideous in my review, and in retrospect, I see their point, at least in degree: the two projects are similarly experimental and impressively novel-sounding without actually feeling avant-garde. But there is just something about Cave Sermon that puts them in an entirely different category of genius—for me. Fragile Wings is playful but not silly; it’s complex but memorable, groovy, and fun; it’s dissonant and strange, but it’s organic, harmonious, and digestible. The idea that just one person is behind this18 makes it that much more mind-blowing. At this rate, there could well be another Cave Sermon record next year, and on the current trajectory, it may finally land this fantastic artist the official Iconic status they have always deserved.

Honorable Mentions:

• Dormant Ordeal // Tooth and Nail – Hands-down my favorite Dormant Ordeal album so far. Heavy, groovy, and eminently-listenable, it really got its claws into me—especially during gym sessions shortly after release. It did fall out of my rotation quite substantially, in favor of its rivals above, thus putting it here.
• Primitive Man // Observance – When Observance dropped, and I was listening for the first time, I badly tried to describe Primitive Man to my partner (not a metal fan) over WhatsApp as “being crushed by a big rock really slowly, but in a good way.” Obviously, they didn’t know what I was on about, but Spicie Forrest seems to with his much better analogy of “being imprisoned and forgotten in a lightless pit.” Primitive Man has always made silly-heavy, scary-huge music, but Observance clicked with me like nothing else in their discography prior. I am indeed helplessly crushed and held prisoner.
• Blut Aus Nord // Ethereal Horizons – I think if this had dropped just a tiny bit earlier, it could have ended up on my list proper. Blut Aus Nord has always been one of those artists I know I do enjoy, but for some reason has never fully clicked for me. Ethereal Horizons felt immediately more enthralling. It’s more atmospheric, more darkly melodic, more blackened in its heaviness, and through it all, possibly more frightening.

Songs of the Year

• Cave Sermon – “Ancient for Someone”
• Panopticon – “A Letter”
• Panopticon – “The Poppies Bloom For No King”
• Patristic – “A Vinculis Soluta II”
• Qrixkuor – “The Womb of the World”
• Bianca – “Abysmal”
• Deafheaven – “The Garden Route”
• Nephylim – “Amaranth”
• Clouds – “Sorrowbound”
• 1914 – “1918 Pt 3 A.D.E (A Duty to Escape)”
• Der Weg Einer Freiheit – “Marter”
• Primitive Man – “Natural Law”



Listurnalia is now upon us once again! If you are not ready to be assailed by non-stop lists and bad opinions for the next week and change, I suggest you get fooking ready! Listurnalia cannot be stopped, nor contained. It can only be tolerated and endured!

More than any year in recent history, 2025 saw more seasoned staffers step away from writing duties due to time constraints and life changes. To compensate for the loss of these slackwagoning quitters and shirkers, we added a gaggle of fresh new voices. This made for a bittersweet time around these parts as long-time friends departed and a bunch of untested, unknowns rose through the brutal n00b gauntlet to seize the means of promo production. These greenhorn neophytes have created great havoc at AMG HQ with their terrible taste, inability to follow directions, and steadfast refusal to ignore deathcore.

We’ve been here before, though, and we always straighten out the newbie upstarts. The daily beatings, deprivations, and absence of positive reinforcement will wear them down, and if not, we have plenty of space in the rotpit out back. This is, and will ever be, the AMG modality.

2026 will be an interesting year as the new crew members are shepherded by the olde while everyone is crushed beneath the iron heel of AMG management. Who will make it to 2027? Who will be sold off to Metal Wani for a box of bananas and Gorilla Glue? Place your bets in the official AMG Survival Pool!

As you read the Top Ten(ish) lists below, remember, reading our content is free, but you get what you pay for.

Grymm

#10. Venomous Echoes // Dysmor
#9. Blut Aus Nord // Ethereal Horizons
#8. Dormant Ordeal // Tooth and Nail
#7. Structure // Heritage
#6. Lorna Shore // I Feel The Everblack Festering Within Me
#5. Sigh // I Saw The World’s End – Hangman’s Hymn MMXXV
#4. Imperial Triumphant // Goldstar
#3. Am I In Trouble? // Spectrum
#2. Dax Riggs // 7 Songs for Spiders
#1. Paradise Lost // Ascension – I fully expected Paradise Lost to come out with quality music, which has been mostly par for the course in their storied almost-40-year career, and no one could blame them if they decided to coast along on their legendary sound. Instead, Ascension sees them giving a masterclass in songcraft and atmosphere, showing everyone, everywhere, how it’s done. With Black Sabbath now officially put to rest, Anathema long gone, and whatever the fuck is happening within My Dying Bride these days, somebody has to fly the British Doom flag high and proud, and Paradise Lost have done a bang-up job of doing so.

Personal Highlight o’ the Year: Seeing Acid Bath live. I may or may not have cried during “Venus Blue,” and no, I don’t fucking care. 19-Year-Old me was pleased as punch that 48-Year-Old me got to see a legendary band (and one of his personal favorites) come back from tragedy to pay tribute to their fallen bassist and friend, Audie Pitre, by giving it another long-awaited go.

Disappointment(s) o’ the Year:

• Losing so many influential heroes (RIP Ozzy Osbourne, Ace Frehley, and Tomas Lindberg, among too many others)
• My health: I was hoping to be a lot more active this year, but early on, I needed to, in the immortal words of David Lynch, “fix (my) heart or die.”1 Thankfully, after surgery, I feel a million times better, so you should see a lot more of me in 2026. You have been warned.

Song o’ the Year:

• Paradise Lost // “Salvation”

El Cuervo

#ish. Astronoid // Stargod
#10. Ollie Wride // The Pressure Point
#9. Kauan // Wayhome
#8. Zéro Absolu // La Saignée
#7. Mutagenic Host // The Diseased Machine
#6. Asira // As Ink in Water
#5. Bruit // The Age of Ephemerality
#4. Saor // Amidst the Ruins
#3. The Midnight // Syndicate
#2. Steven Wilson // The Overview
#1. Messa // The Spin – In a year replete with comfort picks—progressive rock, synthwave, and death metal abound—how is that Italy’s enigmatic, inscrutable Messa forged my Album o’ the Year? The Spin doesn’t take the trouble to make itself easily approachable. Doom, prog, and post influences circle around velvety melodies that sometimes sound like deliberate songs, and sometimes like jazz improvisation. But it’s these very qualities that belie its subtle allure; only with repetition and attention does The Spin shine. Messa gradually reveals rhythmic motifs, instrumental nuances, and rich compositions that enhance my life on so many days. “The Dress,” especially, is stunning. And though the record’s loungey whimsy defies metal conventions, each track prizes genuine grit through its top-drawer guitar riffs. With the devotion it demands, no record from 2025 was more rewarding than The Spin.

Honorable Mentions:

• Décryptal – Simulacre
• An Abstract Illusion – The Sleeping City
• Puteraeon – Mountains of Madness
• Hasard – Abgnose

Song o’ the Year:

• Ambush – “Maskirovka”



GardensTale

#ish. Structure // Heritage
#10. In Mourning //The Immortal
#9. Flummox // Southern Progress
#8. Der Weg Einer Freiheit // Innern
#7. Nephylim // Circuition
#6. Besna // Krásno
#5. Messa // The Spin
#4. Labyrinthus Stellarum // Rift in Reality
#3. Gazpacho // Magic 8 Ball
#2. Dormant Ordeal// Tooth & Nail
#1. Moron Police // Pachinko — I was a little nervous when I first read about the length and ambition behind Pachinko, especially in the context of the incredible and very concise A Boat on the Sea. I’ve never been this happy to be this wrong. Nothing in the last decade has overtaken my life as much as Pachinko has, and I’m listening to it yet again as I write this, and will probably restart it once it finishes. Pachinko has a lot in common with Everything Everywhere All At Once, one of my all-time favorite films, as a treatise on the chaos of life and the importance of friends and family. It treats its philosophy of silliness very seriously, laughing in the face of darkness in such a beautiful and inspiring way; it brightens my life every time I hear it. And it does all that in tribute to a dear friend who was gone too soon and too suddenly, and no other eulogistic album has let me feel like its subject’s soul touched mine. An astounding monument to friendship on top of an incredibly accomplished hour of music. Pachinko is a miracle.

Honorable Mentions:

• Hangover in Minsk // Party is Over
• 1914 // Viribus Unitis
• Bianca // Bianca
• Fange // Purulences
• An Abstract Illusion // The Sleeping City
• Blindfolded // What Seeps Through Threads

Song o’ the Year:

• Moron Police – “Giving up the Ghost”



Non-metal Albums of the Year:

• Lorde // Virgin
• Jonathan Hultén // Eyes of the Living Night
• Shayfer James // Summoning

Mark Z.

#ish. Malefic Throne // The Conquering Darkness
#10. Urn // Demon Steel
#9. Teitanblood // From the Visceral Abyss
#8. Shed the Skin // The Carnage Cast Shadows
#7. Guts // Nightmare Fuel
#6. Dormant Ordeal // Tooth and Nail
#5. Perdition Temple // Malign Apotheosis
#4. Paradise Lost // Ascension
#3. Revocation // New Gods, New Masters
#2. Death Yell // Demons of Lust
#1. Abominator // The Fire Brethren – It took me a few years after hearing this Australian duo’s last album, 2015’s Evil Proclaimed, to realize I was wrong about them. Their raw and relentless black-death metal wasn’t just good, it was fucking awesome. With their long-awaited sixth album, The Fire Brethren, Abominator has conjured flames that reach higher than ever. As always, the enraged rasps, scorching riffs, and endlessly pummeling rhythms are like plumes of hellfire shot directly into your ear canals. But amidst the bludgeoning is some genuinely great songwriting, with deep-cutting hooks (“The Templar’s Curse,” “Underworld Vociferations”), flashes of melody (“Progenitors of the Insurrection of Satan”), thrashy breaks (“Sulphur from the Heavens”), and just enough variety to keep everything hitting as hard as possible. It’s not for everyone, but for those into Angelcorpse and other music of that sort, The Fire Brethren is the type of album you just can’t get enough of.

Honorable Mention:

• Blasphamagoatachrist // Bestial Abominator

Song (Title) o’ the Year:

• Omegavortex – “Dystopian Worldrape”

Song o’ the Year:

• Fugitive – “Spheres of Virulence”



Carcharodon

#ish. Dax Riggs // 7 Songs for Spiders
#10. Novarupta // Astral Sands
#9. Atlantic // Timeworn
#8. Structure // Heritage
#7. Agriculture // The Spiritual Sound
#6. Igorr // Amen
#5. Messa // The Spin
#4. Abigail Williams // A Void Within Existence
#3. Cave Sermon // Fragile Wings
#2. Dormant Ordeal // Tooth and Nail
#1. Grima // Nightside – In each of 2019, 2021, and 2022, Grima released an album and, in each of those years, I listed said album (#5, HM, and #10). But this year, the year in which I have listened to the least metal and, of course, written the least since I started here in 2018, is also the year that Grima got everything dialled in to just what I want from a Grima album. On Nightside, the duo struck the perfect balance between the traditional influences of 2019’s Will of the Primordial and the propulsive, frozen atmosphere of Frostbitten (2022). The combination gives Nightside an almost hypnotic and weirdly tranquil flow, offset by Vilhelm’s rasping vocals, which remain among the best in the BM game. Every time I come back to this record, and the title track in particular, it’s even better than I remember it being, and I always end up spinning three or more times back-to-back. An album that can keep playing that trick deserves its #1 spot in my book.

Honorable Mentions:

• An Abstract Illusion // The Sleeping City
• Gorycz // Zasypia
• Psychonaut // World Maker
• Wardruna // Birna

Songs o’ the Year:

• Messa – “Fire on the Roof”



• Novarupta – “Now Here We Are (At the Inevitable End)”

Mysticus Hugebeard

#10. Orbit Culture // Death Above Life
#9. An Abstract Illusion // The Sleeping City
#8. Qrixkuor // The Womb of the World
#7. Dormant Ordeal // Tooth and Nail
#6. Panopticon // Laurentian Blue
#5. Blackbraid // Blackbraid III
#4. Arkhaaik // Uihtis
#3. Kauan // Wayhome
#2. Wardruna // Birna
#1. Thumos // The Trial of Socrates – I recall groggily stumbling upon Thumos’ The Trial of Socrates at work one early morning, and I’m not sure if I’ve grown attached to it or it’s grown attached to me. It looms in my periphery, routinely interrupting my listening schedule for just one more spin. This gargantuan dive into ancient Greek philosophy and justice is melodically rich, laden with atmosphere, and fiercely intelligent. I love how this album stimulates my curiosity. I pore over The Trial of Socrates like a madman, piecing the puzzle together with feverish glee but never quite feeling finished, because every re-listen yields new shapes, new colors, new ideas. It eggs me on to research various topics on ancient Greek history or philosophy, and even made for an unlikely study partner during my long preparations for the German A1 exam. I always feel smarter by the end of it—hubris, I’m sure, but The Trial of Socrates genuinely sparks my imagination in ways few albums do. Time to go listen to “The Phædo” for the zillionth time.

Honorable Mentions:

• Night Flight Orchestra // Give Us The Moon
• Mutagenic Host // The Diseased Machine

Songs o’ the Year:

• Disarmonia Mundi – “Outcast”

The Dormant Stranger by Disarmonia Mundi

• Jamie Page & Marcy Nabors – “Do No Harm (Ventricular Mix)”

Do No Harm by Jamie Paige, Marcy Nabors, & Penny Parker

• Thumos – “The Phædo”

The Trial of Socrates by Thumos

Disappointment(s) o’ the year:

• The dissolution of Ante-Inferno: After Death’s Soliloquy topped my list last year, I was genuinely gutted to see Ante-Inferno’s post that they were no more. Still, I shall not weep but rather smile that they happened, because Ante-Inferno was a rare breed of genuinely moving black metal. Just that one album rooted itself so deeply within me, and I will be listening for a long time.
• Arno Menses leaving Subsignal: Man, fuck. Fuck. Remember my nuclear-grade glaze of Subsignal, where I might as well have said Menses’ voice single-handedly justified the entire existence of music? How could I not break down in heaving sobs in the middle of this Denny’s when I heard that Menses and Subsignal have parted ways? It sucks, I tell ya. I will still listen to what Subsignal puts out in the future, because Markus Steffen is a talented musician, but it’s going to be a huge adjustment since Menses is nigh irreplaceable.

Samguineous Maximus

#ish. Imperial Triumphant // Goldstar
#10. Primitive Man // Observance
#9. Motherless // Do You Feel Safe?
#8. Deafheaven // Lonely People with Power
#7. Weeping Sores // The Convalescence Agonies
#6. Between the Buried and Me // The Blue Nowhere
#5. Calva Louise // Edge of the Abyss
#4. 1914 // Viribus Unitis
#3. Crippling Alcoholism // Camgirl
#2. Crippling Alcoholism // Bible Songs II
#1. Yellow Eyes // Confusion Gate – Yellow Eyes are one of the best black metal bands in the game, and Confusion Gate is their most impressive work to date. It sees the band return to a more traditional atmospheric sound, but with the lessons learned from their explorations of dissonance and ambience. The result is a kaleidoscopic blend of gorgeous melodies, haunting riffs, and a pervasive sense of pathos that only the best art can achieve. Confusion Gate feels like communing with nature from the top of a wintry peak, embodying both impossible grandeur and awesome terror. This is a record that bypasses the analytical reviewer’s brain and just hits me right in the feeling. It offers a unique catharsis in a year where I truly needed it.

Honorable Mentions

• Flummox // Southern Progress
• Hexrot // Formless Ruin of Oblivion
• Ava Mendoza/Gabby fluke-Mogal/Carolina Pérez // Mama Killa
• Strigiform // Aconite

Song o’ the Year:

• Crippling Alcoholism – “Ladies Night”



Spicie Forrest

#ish. Cryptopsy // An Insatiable Violence
#10. Crimson Shadows // Whispers of War
#9. Oromet // The Sinking Isle
#8. -ii- // Apostles of the Flesh
#7. Suncraft // Welcome to the Coven
#6. Suncraft // Profanation of the Adamic Covenant
#5. Chestcrush // ΨΥΧΟΒΓΑΛΤΗΣ
#4. Dormant Ordeal // Tooth and Nail
#3. Qrixkuor // The Womb of the World
#2. Primitive Man // Observance
#1. Wytch Hazel // V: Lamentations – I know, I’m surprised too. But the bottom line is that I’ve been listening to V: Lamentations front to back at least once a week since it released on the most American of holidays, July 4th. For Steel, Wytch Hazel’s latest didn’t have the same staying power as previous efforts, but Lamentations is the first to truly resonate with me. Though musically consistent with their Wishbone Ash-meets-Eagles style, vocalist Colin Hendra brings a new sense of passion to the record, and the interplay between instruments, vocals, and lyrics hits me like a lightning bolt. Very possibly inspired by the core Christian tenet laid out in Romans 6:23-24,2 Lamentations is a masterful portrayal of what it means to perpetually fail, to know you’ll never be good enough, and in the face of a salvation that renders all efforts, deeds, and accomplishments worthless, to keep striving toward the impossible anyway. Even for godless sinners like me, Lamentations is a beautiful reminder that purpose is found in hardship, that the journey is the goal, and that falling down is merely an opportunity to stand up again.

Honorable Mentions:

• Proscription // Desolate Divine
• Apocalypse Orchestra // A Plague upon Thee
• Messa // The Spin
• Bloodywood // Nu Delhi
• Pedestal for Leviathan // Enter: Vampyric Manifestation

Song o’ the Year:

• Yellowcard – “honestly i”

Grin Reaper

(ish) Sallow Moth // Mossbane Lantern
#10. Turian // Blood Quantum Blues
#9. Calva Louise // Edge of the Abyss
#8. Lychgate // Precipice
#7. An Abstract Illusion // The Sleeping City
#6. Thron // Vurias
#5. Structure // Heritage
#4. Species // Changelings
#3. Havukruunu // Tavastland
#2. Aephanemer // Utopie
#1. 1914 // Viribus Unitis – I didn’t know Viribus Unitis would be my top album of the year the first time I listened to it, but I knew it would list. 1914’s naked emotion and rousing story of a Ukrainian soldier’s survival through World War I, reconciliation with his family, and inescapable return to war remains as gripping and bittersweet now as it did the first time I heard it. Across adrenaline-fueled riffing, oppressive marches, and somber dirges, 1914 never relents on musical or lyrical weight. Though Viribus Unitis was released late in the year, it quickly became the standard I used to appraise albums while going through listing season. 1914 paints war-torn life with savage grace, supplying devastating melody and grueling crawls that elevate the album to such heights that I’m genuinely moved each time I get to the end. Viribus Unitis is bleak, raw, and human, but for all that, I’m never deterred from listening. Ultimately, 1914 clutches the threads of hope and weaves an aural tapestry that brings tragedy and triumph to life, cementing Viribus Unitis as my undisputed top album of 2025.

Honorable Mentions:

• Walg // V
• Moron Police // Pachinko
• Defigurement // Endbryo
• Ültra Raptör // Fossilized
• Igorrr // Amen

Songs o’ the Year:

• Aephanemer – “Le Cimetière Marin”

• 1914 – “1918 Pt. III: ADE (A Duty to Escape)”

Andy-War-Hall

#ish: Dragon Skull // Chaos Fire Vengeance
#10: Changeling // Changeling
#9: Steel Arctus // Dreamruler
#8: Abigail Williams //A Void Within Existence
#7: Petrified Giant // Endless Ark
#6: Imperial Triumphant // Goldstar
#5: Structure // Heritage
#4: Lipoma // No Cure for the Sick
#3: Crippling Alcoholism // Camgirl
#2: Hexrot // Formless Ruin of Oblivion
#1: 1914 // Viribus Unitis – Immersion defines great music and art for me. It is almost unfortunate how good 1914 are in this facet of their music. Their ability to transport the listener to the battlefield in all its violence, both carnal and psychological, is stupefying. The utter dehumanizing hatred with “1914 (The Siege of Przemyśl),” the ravenous bloodlust of “1917 (The Isonzo Front),” the hellish wails haunting “1918 Pt. 1 (WIA – Wounded in Action):” all portrayed vividly through 1914’s brilliantly caustic and composed musicianship and deeply personal lyricism. When Dmytro Ternushchak bellows “For three days / The Russians attacked / And accomplished nothing but / 40,000 dead pigs” [“1914 (The Siege of Przemyśl)”], it’s all you need to get into his character’s violent headspace. When 1914 mournfully sing in Ukrainian “Це моя земля”3 [1915 (Easter Battle for the Zwinin Ridge)], you grasp how someone could put their life on the line for kin and country. When our soldier sings “My little girl reached out to me / But duty calls” [1919 (The Home Where I Died)]… well, shit, your heart just has to break, right? 1914 don’t play “history metal.” Viribus Unitis is as present and relevant as you can get.

Honorable Mentions:

• Fell Omen // Caelid Dog Summer
• Ophelion // The Jaunt
• Coroner // Dissonance Theory
• Starscourge // Conqueror of the Stars – Betwixt Sundered Seraphim, the Lands Between Bleed

Song o’ the Year:

• Fell Omen – “The Fire is Still Warm”



Lavender Larcenist

#ish Spiritbox // Tsunami Sea
#10. Sold Soul // Just Like That, I Disappear Entirely
#9. Calva Louise // Edge of the Abyss
#8. Dying Wish // Flesh Stays Together
#7. Grima // Nightside
#6. Aversed // Erasure of Color
#5. Deafheaven // Lonely People With Power
#4. Ghost Bath // Rose Thorn Necklace
#3. Changeling // Changeling
#2. Dormant Ordeal // Tooth and Nail
#1. Crippling Alcoholism // Camgirl – Sometimes you listen to music, and you feel like it gets you. Camgirl was exactly that type of album, and it probably doesn’t say anything good about me. Ever since Crippling Alcoholism’s latest graced my ears and I shared it with my partner, we have been singing “I fucking hate the way I look, yeah I look like a fat fucking scumbag” way too often and mumbling “Mr. Ran away, ran away from family” every chance we get. The album is dripping with the atmosphere of neon-lit back rooms, seedy interactions, and terrible decision-making. It feels like a lens into the lives of those society has left behind, and I can’t help but feel a connection. The self-destructive nihilism, drugged-out sex, and abrupt violence that is all too common in those on the margins of life is something I think more and more we can all relate to, and Camgirl is the art that mirrors society back to us. As a result, it is an album that is just as ugly as it is terrifying and beautiful.

Honorable Mentions:

• Shadow of Intent // Imperium Delirium
• Pupil Slicer // Fleshwork
• 1914 // Viribus Unitis

Song o’ the Year:

• Crippling Alcoholism – “bedrot”

Creeping Ivy

#ish. Nite // Cult of the Serpent Sun
#10. Blackbraid // Blackbraid III
#9. Flummox // Southern Progress
#8. 1914 // Viribus Unitis
#7. Cave Sermon // Fragile Wings
#6. Saor // Amidst the Ruins
#5. Imperial Triumphant // Goldstar
#4. Phantom Spell // Heather & Hearth
#3. Coroner // Dissonance Theory
#2. Messa // The Spin
#1. Havukruunu // Tavastland – On their Bandcamp page, Havukruunu explain the concept of their fourth LP: ‘Tavastland tells how in 1237 the Tavastians rose in rebellion against the church of Christ and drove the popes naked into the frost to die.’ Sounds like the metal album of 2025 to me! But I didn’t crown Tavastland for its lyrics that I can’t understand. As Dr. A.N. Grier has been exhorting for a decade, Havukruunu stands as a model of Viking black metal consistency, having dropped only very good-to-great albums since 2015. Tavastland isn’t a radical improvement over 2020’s Uinuous syömein sota, but it’s an (arguably excellent) improvement nonetheless, making it Havukruunu’s finest work yet. Yes, these fiery Finns forge sounds reminiscent of Bathory and Immortal, but Tavastland seized my attention for its adventurous prog sensibilities. Some of this can be attributed to the return of Hümo, whose bass rattles like the four strings of Geddy Lee. But the prog is deep in the album craft, from the overture-style modulations of opener “Kuolematon laulunhenki” to the extended guitar wankery of closer “De miseriis fennorum.” Now if only I can learn Finnish, I’ll be able to appreciate the killer anti-popery narrative while headbanging to my Record o’ 2025.

Honorable Mentions:

• Am I in Trouble? // Spectrum
• Blut Aus Nord // Ethereal Horizons
• In Mourning // The Immortal
• Oromet // The Sinking Isle
• Wyatt E. // Zamāru Ultu Qereb Ziqquratu Part 1

Song o’ the Year:

• Phantom Spell – “The Autumn Citadel”



Baguette of Bodom

#ish. In the Woods… // Otra
#10. Species // Changelings
#9. Dragon Skull // Chaos Fire Vengeance
#8. A-Z // A2Z²
#7. Apocalypse Orchestra // A Plague upon Thee
#6. Amorphis // Borderland
#5. Dolmen Gate // Echoes of Ancient Tales
#4. Dormant Ordeal // Tooth and Nail
#3. Amalekim // Shir Hashirim
#2. Suotana // Ounas II
#1. Buried Realm // The Dormant Darkness – Melodic tech death? Symphonic power metal? Who knows! Much like my 2025 in general, The Dormant Darkness has a bit of everything in one gigantic clusterfuck. The great news is, neither I nor the album crumbled under all that weight. In a year full of odd twists and turns, my list became more varied and unusual than ever. Buried Realm took this variety and gave me everything I like about metal in one dense package: blazing speeds, soaring guitars, majestic vocals, and relentless fury. It’s also inexplicably well-produced for how many layers there are to deal with. While 2025 was not a particularly star-studded release year—especially compared to most of the 2020s so far—it threw plenty of fun curveballs at me, and The Dormant Darkness exemplifies this with its Xothian fusion of metal subgenres in one big Ophidian I blender ov shred. I would also like to request several Christian Älvestam features on every album, please.

Honorable Mentions:

• Victim of Fire // The Old Lie
• Dawn of Solace // Affliction Vortex
• Dynazty // Game of Faces
• Coroner // Dissonance Theory
• Hooded Menace // Lachrymose Monuments of Obscuration

Song o’ the Year:

• Dragon Skull – “Blood and Souls”

Chaos Fire Vengeance by Dragon Skull

Me and @bright_helpings arrived late and distressingly sober but #NMA are on great form as usual. Bit of a heavier edge to the sound tonight, more overdrive on the lead guitars and the drums heavier in the mix. Not a bad thing, but unusual - like they're verging into #ParadiseLost territory.

#Manchester #NewModelArmy #LiveMusic #Ritz #Rock #GothRock #Goth

Harvest — For the Souls We Have Lost Review

By Steel Druhm

Written By: NamelessN00b_606

Since nostalgia drives the creation and consumption of so much contemporary metal, metalheads might be interested in its etymology. A borrowing from post-classical Latin that combines the ancient Greek νόστος (‘return home’) and ‑αλγία (‘pain’), ‘nostalgia’ meant something like a pathologized homesickness when it came into English usage in the eighteenth century.1 So if you’re nostalgic for, say, the gothic doom metal of the 1990s, then 90s gothic doom is your musical home, your longing for this home rises to the level of a physical ailment, and Harvest may have the cure. A new Italian quintet, Harvest describes itself as an earnest tribute to bands like My Dying Bride, Paradise Lost, and Katatonia. As with any album overtly tapping into the past, the hope is that For the Souls We Have Lost, Harvest’s debut, administers a ‘stalg salve with its own unique fragrance.

For the Souls We Have Lost succeeds at sounding like its inspirations. At the core of Harvest are barebones, Sabbathian riffs, reminiscent of the way My Dying Bride practices Sabbath revival on an album like The Angel and the Dark River. Vocally, Emanuele resembles Aaron Stainthorpe in both his clean and extreme registers. Emanuele and guitarist Fabio Torresan offer simple yet effective interplays between gothy croons, Iommian phrases, and macabre growls, especially on “Floating Leaves.” But no doom with gothic aspirations can do without gloomy atmosphere. In addition to supplying a second guitar, Matteo Gandolfi plays keyboards, adding texture via synthetic strings (“Floating Leaves”), choirs (“Born Alone”), and horns (“Shining Moon”). These elements nicely fill out the refreshingly open production of For the Souls We Have Lost, especially on closer “The Path of Life.” Harvest have crafted a debut that will transport listeners to a graveyard poetry reading in 1997, with Paradise Lost’s Gothic and Katatonia’s Brave Murder Day providing the soundtrack.

Doom is an inherently direct subgenre, but simplicity often holds For the Souls We Have Lost back. The main riffs in both “Hunter of Souls” and “Shining Moon” are a bit too straightforward; they would have benefited from some variation. On the songwriting front, most of these songs include a clean or acoustic guitar break in the middle (“Floating Leaves,” “Hunter of Souls,” “Shining Moon”). This is a common way to approach a bridge in doom, but it becomes a predictable pattern here. These sections also raise another issue: the dryness of the non-distorted guitar tones. Opener “Born Alone,” for example, begins with a two-chord progression played by a clean guitar lacking character. The song eventually kicks into heavy gear, but when it returns to its dry-clean progression in the middle, the song ends up feeling like a buildup without a payoff.

The vocals do occasionally elevate these songs, though they present their own challenges. On the clean side, Emanuele favors a mid-range croon that results in some memorable hooks (“Floating Leaves,” “Hunter of Souls”). At other points, however, the cleans don’t hit the ear in the best way. The verse to “In Shape of Beast” includes melodic jumps that are kind of catchy but that don’t mesh with the supporting music. Similarly, “Shining Moon” ends with a cappella vocals that waver when they should be commanding attention. On one song, the cleans sound like the work of a different vocalist. “Born Alone” drops a droning monotone atop its simple chord progression, which doesn’t do much to develop the melody.2 Whereas the rest of the album has those satisfying, Stainthropean swings in inflection, “Born Alone” sets a flat—and retrospectively confusing—tone as the opener.

If 90s gothic doom is your home, then you probably won’t need to consult your doctor before taking For the Souls We Have Lost. Such listeners will find comfort across the album’s reasonable 37-minute runtime, particularly from “Floating Leaves” and “The Path of Life.” If, however, the subgenre is more like the Victorian house of an esoteric neighbor, then For the Souls We Have Lost probably won’t do much for you. The retro production won’t read as charmingly nostalgic, and the inconsistencies will prevent full immersion. Harvest have done a good job conjuring the matter and spirit of their influences; hopefully, their follow-up will play off their strengths to develop a unique identity.

Rating: 2.0/5.0
DR: 11 | Format Reviewed: V0 mp3
Label: Octopus Rising Records (sub-label of Argonauta Records)
Websites: harvest-doom.bandcamp.com | facebook.com/harvestdoom
Releases Worldwide: September 26th, 2025

#20 #2025 #BlackSabbath #DeathDoom #DoomMetal #ForTheSoulsWeHaveLost #Harvest #ItalianMetal #Katatonia #MyDyingBride #OctopusRisingRecordsArgonautaRecords #ParadiseLost #Review #Reviews #Sep25

Record(s) o’ the Month – September 2025

By Angry Metal Guy

I am sick. Things are bleak. It is October. There is pumpkin spice in everything. And now you come to me and you say, “AMG, give me the Record(s) o’ the Month.” But you don’t ask with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me Dr. Metal Guy or compliment my excellent taste. Instead, you come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married, and you ask me to give you the Record(s) o’ the Month—for free.

What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you’d come to me in friendship, then this music that will ruin your eardrums and cause your grandchildren to yell while they try to communicate with you would already have been yours. And, if, by chance, honest people like yourselves made enemies, they would become my enemies—and they would fear you.

Someday, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this Record(s) o’ the Month as a gift on my daughter’s wedding day.1

One of metal’s true titans, Paradise Lost has been at this for 40 years and 17 albums. A band with eras, Paradise Lost’s tenure has not been without its ebbs. Yet Ascension [out September 19th, 2025, from Nuclear Blast Records (buy on Bandcamp)] offers fans something old and new again, and truly lifts the band’s modern sound through synthesis. Rather than simply rehashing the classics, Ascension assembles the different pieces of the band’s legacies into something powerful, catchy, and—as counterintuitive as it seems—novel. It would be wrong to say that Paradise Lost has “never sounded so vital,” but they haven’t previously presented such a simultaneously diverse and powerful vision of their sound. Both Steel Druhm and Grymm were blown away by Ascension’s ability to balance the different veins of their sound and feel united and unique. What Druhm gushed is true: “It’s rare a band as long in the tooth as Paradise Lost uncorks a late career album that can stand among the giants in their catalogue, but Ascension is one such slippery aberration.”2 And Grymmothy concurs: “Who would have thought,” he wondered aloud after crooning in amazement at this accomplishment of metal, “that by reaching into their vault of classic albums, they would not only put together something fresh and timeless, but also make a strong case for one of their best ever?”

Hegel, that’s who.

Runner(s) Up:

Vittra // Intense Indifference [September 19th, 2025 | Self-release | Bandcamp] — Melodic death metal might be gasping for air in 2025, but Sweden’s Vittra just kicked the respirator across the room and screamed “MOTHERFUCKER LET’S GO!” Intense Indifference clocks in at a tight 33 minutes of thrashy, riff-driven melodeath that remembers the genre was born to move heads, not cry into beards.3 With the manic energy of a band stuck in rural Västmanland and the chops to back it up, Vittra threads the needle between At the Gates’ aggression, Soilwork’s slickness, and the fretboard fireworks of Mors Principium Est. Yet somehow, these weirdos slip in honkytonk piano, bluesy acoustic passages, and enough BDE to make your mom blush. As I papified Pure Divine Doctrine and a Universal Truth for which all dissenters and deviants shall be roundly punished: “Vittra reminds us that melodic death metal still slaps when it remembers to be metal. Intense Indifference might be short, but it’s sharp, hooky, and very, very good.”4 Short album, long replay life.

Igorrr // Amen [September 19th, 2025 | Metal Blade Records | Bandcamp] — For nearly twenty years, Gautier Serre has been metal’s reigning mad scientist, blending breakcore, baroque, and blastbeats into something that shouldn’t work but absolutely does. Amen refines the chaos without sanding off the edges, finding full-band-Igorrr firing on every cylinder. Dear Hollow probably crossed someone’s personal boundaries while calling it “a reaffirmation of Serre’s genius/insanity,” but even if he’s sitting too close, that’s the right take. Amen balances absurdity, heaviness, and sophistication with freakish precision. From the orchestral depth to the cartoonish detours of “Mustard Mucous” and “Blastbeat Falafel,” it’s dense, manic, and meticulously constructed. There’s no other band that can make so much noise feel this purposeful or fun. Returning to Dear Hollow’s (only?) vaguely inappropriate public tongue-bathing of Igorrr,5 let’s round this off: “Amen is a reaffirmation of Igorrr’s batshit and fun-loving genius, as well as a new step forward: haunting, brutal, and otherworldly in a way that we can take seriously.”

Mors Principium Est // Darkness Invisible [September 26th, 2025 | Perception/Reigning Phoenix Music | No Bandcamp because labels hate their fans] — Eight albums deep and still shredding like they’ve got something to prove, Mors Principium Est returns with Darkness Invisible, a darker, heavier, and more cinematic take on Finnish melodeath. With founding guitarists Jori Haukio and Jarkko Kokko back in the fold, the band taps into its early DNA while pushing toward symphonic density and blackened aggression. In my factual recitation of truths about the world, I referred to Darkness Invisible as “a record that sounds darker and denser than the glossy sheen of Seven,” and incidentally, I’m right; this is ambitious melodeath with a subtly addictive feel, even though the mix sometimes threatens to collapse under its own weight, and Darkness Invisible is a bold reset for Mors Principium Est. I wasn’t going to include this here, but the more I listen to it, the more I like it.6 And more importantly, the more I spin it, the better I think it is. While it does struggle with production, its Bodomesque guitarwork and orchestral ambitions make it sneakily addictive.

#2025 #Amen #Ascension #BlogPost #BlogPosts #Blogpost #DarknessInvisible #Igorrr #IntenseIndifference #MetalBladeRecords #MorsPrincipiumEst #NuclearBlast #ParadiseLost #Perception #RecordOTheMonth #RecordSOTheMonth #ReigningPhoenixMusic #Sep25 #Vittra

DCU Changes Signal a Shift in Priorities

https://web.brid.gy/r/https://www.geeksandgamers.com/dcu-changes-signal-a-shift-in-priorities/

Chris Hedges Report: How ‘Paradise Lost’ Revolutionized the World
https://consortiumnews.com/2025/07/08/chris-hedges-report-how-paradise-lost-revolutionized-the-world/
Orlando Reade discusses the influence of John Milton’s 17th century epic poem on revolutionary thinkers and grapples with the moral gray area that exists in revolutions. By Chris Hedges ScheerPost There are few pieces of literature that remain as prescient and…
#Politics #Books #Commentary #Poetry #UntilThisDayHistoricalPerspectivesOnTheNews #AlexanderHerzen #AndrewMarvell #C.l.r.James #Chartists #Christianity #Democracy #EnglishCivilWar #EnglishRepublic #HannahArendt #JohnMilton #Levellers #MalcolmX #MccarranAct #Mccarthyism #Mirabeau #Monarchy #NewTestament #OlaudahEquiano #OliverCromwell #OrlandoReade #ParadiseLost #PercyShelley #Restoration #Revolution #SamuelJohnson #TheChrisHedgesReport #ThomasJefferson #VirginiaWolff #WilliamBlake