#aucklandcomedy — Public Fediverse posts
Live and recent posts from across the Fediverse tagged #aucklandcomedy, aggregated by home.social.
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Easter Eggs
Chocolate is highly toxic to rabbits. This makes me wonder if the Easter Bunny gives humans chocolate in a lagamorphic attempt to wipe out humanity? -
Airline Food
Julia: Why is airline food so bad? DEATH: Something has to make post funeral refreshments seem good. -
Airline Food
Julia: Why is airline food so bad? DEATH: Something has to make post funeral refreshments seem good. -
Open Mics
Julia: At an open mic, some comedians will kill and others will die. DEATH: All good. Either way suits me. [Small text: The mythological creature formerly known as DEATH] -
Drinks?
Does the bar serve diet blood or just that crappy blood zero? Asking for a friend. [Small text: The mythological creature formerly known as DEATH] -
Et in Arcadia
Et in Arcadia Ego. ("Even in Arcadia, there am I", Mission Bay not Arcadia, but who's counting?) [Small text: The mythological creature formerly known as DEATH] -
Virgins
Stop sending me virgins … Do I look like a chaperone? [Small text: The mythological creature formerly known as DEATH] -
Stars Aligning
Julia: "One day the stars will align." DEATH: "Yes! On 6 May 2492. It's the 1,000th anniversary of Columbus' first trip." -
Julia Dying
Julia: "I think I am dying." DEATH: “I'm awfully busy, wait your turn Julia." -
Kill or Die
Some comedians will kill. Others will die. Either way I'm happy. [The mythological character formerly known as DEATH] -
School Covid
David Seymore: Too many children are spreading Covid at school. DEATH: Not wanting to endorse breathing, but can't you limit it to their breaks? -
Berries
DEATH: All berries are edible. Some only once. -
Berries
DEATH: All berries are edible. Some only once. -
Berries
DEATH: All berries are edible. Some only once. -
Berries
DEATH: All berries are edible. Some only once. -
Dying on Stage?
DEATH "They said that comedian died … how stupid do they think I am? I can see they're still walking and they don't look like a zombie to me … I hate zombies." [followed by 2 minute rant about zombies] -
Laughing
DEATH: Here I am, laughing in the face of life. [The mythological character formerly known as DEATH] -
A Bad Cold
Julia: I have a bad cold. DEATH: That’s funny, I have a bad Julia. -
A Bad Cold
I really like my new name. I am now called "It's just a bad cold." [The mythological character formerly known as DEATH.] -
Ending Homelessness?
If Luxon does end homelessness, who's going to guard the shop doorways in Queen Street overnight? -
Ending Homelessness?
If Luxon does end homelessness, who's going to guard the shop doorways in Queen Street overnight? -
Ending Homelessness?
If Luxon does end homelessness, who's going to guard the shop doorways in Queen Street overnight? -
Ending Homelessness?
If Luxon does end homelessness, who's going to guard the shop doorways in Queen Street overnight? -
Unemployed and Missing
The homeless woman that normally begs outside the Newmarket burger bar wasn't there today. I hope she's gone somewhere nice for her vacation. -
Unemployed?
Nobody needs to be unemployed in this country. You can always get a job sitting outside Burger bars asking for spare change. -
Typos?
A typo prone friend asked if his jokes were any god so I printed them and put 1 on each of 14 fresh graves. No resurrections yet. -
SciFi Romance
I’m writing a book about a science fantasy author who secretly writes romances. It's transgendre literature. -
Air Band
The set was ruined because the air guitar was out of tune and the air drummer’s tempo was worse. -
Air Band
The set was ruined because the air guitar was out of tune and the air drummer’s tempo was worse. -
Air Band
The set was ruined because the air guitar was out of tune and the air drummer’s tempo was worse. -
Air Band
The set was ruined because the air guitar was out of tune and the air drummer’s tempo was worse. -
Solar is the Future
It's dawned on me that solar power is the answer, but it won't happen overnight. -
Solar is the Future
It's dawned on me that solar power is the answer, but it won't happen overnight. -
Solar is the Future
It's dawned on me that solar power is the answer, but it won't happen overnight. -
Solar is the Future
It's dawned on me that solar power is the answer, but it won't happen overnight. -
Clearing Customs
My brother took ages to clear customs. In retrospect it was probably a mistake to send him a txt asking if they'd found the drugs yet? -
Flying Backwards
At Auckland airport waiting for my brother. Before I left home 1/2 hour ago flight was 13 min early now 17 late. Did it stop while I drove? -
Endoscopes
With so many jokes on endoscopes relying on innuendo, I prefer to sit them out. -
Trickling Down?
I refuse to surrender my country to people who think climate change is fake and trickle down is real. -
Woke
The opposite of “Woke” is “Sleeping”. -
Xero
Why would I buy accounting software from someone who can't even spell Zero? -
Winston Looston
NZ politics is a case of Winston, Looseton. -
Water Tax
Was the Labour/Green proposed tax on water aimed at homeopaths? -
Roomba
Sibling Rivalry: My Roomba just choked itself trying to eat the big vacuum cleaner's power cord. -
LSD
LSD's original name was LSD-25. Dr Albert Hofmann synthesized new forms until number 25 when flying purple giraffes blocked the lab's portcullis. -
LSD
LSD's original name was LSD-25. Dr Albert Hofmann synthesized new forms until number 25 when flying purple giraffes blocked the lab's portcullis. -
LSD
LSD's original name was LSD-25. Dr Albert Hofmann synthesized new forms until number 25 when flying purple giraffes blocked the lab's portcullis. -
Coalition
NZ Politics -
Coalition
NZ Politics -
Coalition
NZ Politics -
Tap dancing Lesson
Tap dancing lesson #1: Drink two pots of tea with no toilet breaks. -
Tap dancing Lesson
Tap dancing lesson #1: Drink two pots of tea with no toilet breaks. -
Dinner
Tonight's dinner was bought to me by the letter C: Chilli, cucumber, courgette, cavocado, and comato; into the blender and eaten with Corn chips. -
Dinner
Tonight's dinner was bought to me by the letter C: Chilli, cucumber, courgette, cavocado, and comato; into the blender and eaten with Corn chips. -
Dinner
Tonight's dinner was bought to me by the letter C: Chilli, cucumber, courgette, cavocado, and comato; into the blender and eaten with Corn chips. -
Rugby
Rugby may be a game of two halves but circles are a game of 2π. (Sorry about the late posting) -
Rugby
Rugby may be a game of two halves but circles are a game of 2π. (Sorry about the late posting) -
Rugby
Rugby may be a game of two halves but circles are a game of 2π. (Sorry about the late posting) -
Mnemonic
I wrote a letter today and used the word "Mnemonic" four times. Every single time I spelled it wrong, so I wrote this little mnemonic to remember it "Many Nematodes Eat Mushy Organic Noodles In Cafes." Which would be great if only I could remember how to spell nematoads. -
Mnemonic
I wrote a letter today and used the word "Mnemonic" four times. Every single time I spelled it wrong, so I wrote this little mnemonic to remember it "Many Nematodes Eat Mushy Organic Noodles In Cafes." Which would be great if only I could remember how to spell nematoads.