#aucklandcomedy — Public Fediverse posts

Strong Passwords

https://juliaclement.com/joke-a-day/strong-passwords/

Placebos

My hypochondria’s so bad my doctor prescribes me broad spectrum placebos.

Light Bulbs

It’s getting dark outside.

I think I’ll go and panic buy light bulbs.

Toad Redux

Q: Why did the chicken cross the toad?

A: Autocorrect!

Fashion Disaster

I look pretty hot in everything except maxi-dresses.

Nobody looks good in a maxi-dress.

Time and Tide

Time and peristalsis wait for no-one.

New Study Shows

A new study shows that people will believe almost anything that begins “New study shows.”

Novel

Why do I feel like I’m living in a Philip K. Dick novel?

Probably “Now Wait For Last Year.”

Karma?

I don’t believe in karma.

I’m still trying to decide how I feel about korma!

Low Fibre

Toilet paper shortage?

I’m switching to a low fibre diet for the duration.

Numbers

I don’t want to seem irrational but I can never remember if numbers are real or imaginary or both and that’s integral to a complex problem!

Occam’s Grooming Tools

I’ve come to the conclusion that conspiracy theorists bypass Occam’s razor in favour of Occam’s epilator!

Toilet Paper Shortage

Panic buying toilet paper is a shitty thing to do.

Break a Leg

I’m a comedian not an actor.

Stop telling me to “Break a leg!”

When my wife was a custom baker, I used to tell her to “Crack an egg.”

Why not tell me to “Crack a joke” instead?

Fruit Trees

We had fruit trees when I was a kid but I kept eating their children.

Marriage

Marriage is a sacred covenant between one couple and the registrar of births deaths and marriages!

We give them money and they give us a certificate.

Comedian Died (Repost)

DEATH says “They said that comedian died … how stupid do they think I am?

“I can see they’re still walking and they don’t look like a zombie to me …

“I hate zombies.”

[followed by 2 minute rant about zombies]

(Reposted to match theme of last two days)

European Tour (Repost)

Q: What do dead Kiwis tour Europe in?

A: VW Zombis.

(Repost to go with theme of yesterday’s post)

Zombies

Why do zombies eat brains?

Why do vampires avoid the sun?

Why do werewolves hump your leg?

1950s

Imagine 1950s social media.

Send a letter, wait 2 weeks for a reply, then suddenly we have airmail and the LOL comes back in under a week.

Butter don’t melt (Repost)

I’ve just realised. Butter really doesn’t melt in vegans’ mouths.

Fake Spread?

I’m carefully studying the margarine.

I don’t want to spread any fake butter.

Margarine?

I bought a large tub of margarine to share with my neighbours …

community spread.

Not Funny

There’s nothing funny about being funny.

Autocorrect

I’ve finally convinced Autocorrect that I’m unlikely to say “I don’t give a water bird.”

Now for the rare occasion when I want to keep my duck.

Sheep

Sheep are gregarious.

Named for Saint Gregory who taught them to bleat in harmony.

Superpowers

My superpowers are intact!

I hung the washing and now it’s raining.

Superpowers

My superpowers are intact!

I hung the washing and now it’s raining.

Masking

So many people catch Covid from household contacts we should mandate masks and distancing at home.

Vinyl?

Vinyl?

Nah, I’m waiting for shellac 78s to come back.

Better still wax cylinders.

Vinyl?

Vinyl?

Nah, I’m waiting for shellac 78s to come back.

Better still wax cylinders.

Pooh at 100

Does Winnie-The-Pooh shit in the Hundred Acre Wood?

—

Celebrating 100 years since Winnie-The-Pooh was published.

Demons

Let’s hope the demons in Hell can parallel process punishments or eternity will be a very long time and seem longer.

Idearrhea

Idearrhea: What happens when your head can’t contain all your thoughts.

Washing Machines

I hate washing machines.

They are always stealing my material … especially socks.

Bad Day

John suspected it was going to be a bad day when he saw his wife’s relationship status had changed to “Widowed”.

Bad Day

John suspected it was going to be a bad day when he saw his wife’s relationship status had changed to “Widowed”.

Bifocals

There are none so blind as those who won’t wear bifocals.

Organics?

Organic food’s another name for an old idea.

My mum used to serve up steak and kidney, liver and bacon, sweetbreads, etc.

We just called it “Offal.”

Organics?

Organic food’s another name for an old idea.

My mum used to serve up steak and kidney, liver and bacon, sweetbreads, etc.

We just called it “Offal.”

Organics?

Organic food’s another name for an old idea.

My mum used to serve up steak and kidney, liver and bacon, sweetbreads, etc.

We just called it “Offal.”

Organics?

Organic food’s another name for an old idea.

My mum used to serve up steak and kidney, liver and bacon, sweetbreads, etc.

We just called it “Offal.”

Organics?

Organic food’s another name for an old idea.

My mum used to serve up steak and kidney, liver and bacon, sweetbreads, etc.

We just called it “Offal.”

Censor

I hate the way autocorrect censors my posts.

Every fishing line.

Reminder

A shart is just nature’s way of reminding you to change your underwear.

Beauty Parlour

I think I’ll start a beauty parlor promoted as “By bad spellers for poor readers.”

I’ll call it Heredressers.

Polly Gone

I’ve dropped all my jokes about polygons … too edgy.

No AI needed

All the bugs in programs I write are lovingly hand crafted.

New Diet

My new diet is so strict I’m only allowed micronutrients.

Free Comedy, Selwyn Domain, Mission Bay, 3/4/26

Free outdoor open mic comedy at 6:30 pm on Friday, 03/04/26 in Selwyn Domain, 48-56 Tamaki Drive, Mission Bay.

In the event of even light rain we will probably need to cancel.

It’s summer but may become cold so BRING SOMETHING WARM TO THROW ON.

Free, but koha gladly accepted.

This is an outdoor venue with on and off street parking and on the TMK bus route.

You’re very welcome to come along and laugh but if you’d like to use the mic to tell a few jokes, just let the MC know and we’ll slot you in.

As an open mic we can’t control the jokes that individual comedians tell, parental discretion is advised.

Check the event at https://park.comedyshow.nz/events/selwyn-domain-mission-bay-new-material-comedy-4/ for more info.

Organisers: Julia and Tessa Clement.