Easter Eggs
Chocolate is highly toxic to rabbits. This makes me wonder if the Easter Bunny gives humans chocolate in a lagamorphic attempt to wipe out humanity?#nzcomedy — Public Fediverse posts
Live and recent posts from across the Fediverse tagged #nzcomedy, aggregated by home.social.
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Airline Food
Julia: Why is airline food so bad? DEATH: Something has to make post funeral refreshments seem good. -
Open Mics
Julia: At an open mic, some comedians will kill and others will die. DEATH: All good. Either way suits me. [Small text: The mythological creature formerly known as DEATH] -
Drinks?
Does the bar serve diet blood or just that crappy blood zero? Asking for a friend. [Small text: The mythological creature formerly known as DEATH] -
Et in Arcadia
Et in Arcadia Ego. ("Even in Arcadia, there am I", Mission Bay not Arcadia, but who's counting?) [Small text: The mythological creature formerly known as DEATH] -
Virgins
Stop sending me virgins … Do I look like a chaperone? [Small text: The mythological creature formerly known as DEATH] -
Stars Aligning
Julia: "One day the stars will align." DEATH: "Yes! On 6 May 2492. It's the 1,000th anniversary of Columbus' first trip." -
Julia Dying
Julia: "I think I am dying." DEATH: “I'm awfully busy, wait your turn Julia." -
Kill or Die
Some comedians will kill. Others will die. Either way I'm happy. [The mythological character formerly known as DEATH] -
School Covid
David Seymore: Too many children are spreading Covid at school. DEATH: Not wanting to endorse breathing, but can't you limit it to their breaks? -
Berries
DEATH: All berries are edible. Some only once. -
Dying on Stage?
DEATH "They said that comedian died … how stupid do they think I am? I can see they're still walking and they don't look like a zombie to me … I hate zombies." [followed by 2 minute rant about zombies] -
Laughing
DEATH: Here I am, laughing in the face of life. [The mythological character formerly known as DEATH] -
A Bad Cold
Julia: I have a bad cold. DEATH: That’s funny, I have a bad Julia. -
A Bad Cold
I really like my new name. I am now called "It's just a bad cold." [The mythological character formerly known as DEATH.] -
Ending Homelessness?
If Luxon does end homelessness, who's going to guard the shop doorways in Queen Street overnight? -
Unemployed and Missing
The homeless woman that normally begs outside the Newmarket burger bar wasn't there today. I hope she's gone somewhere nice for her vacation. -
Unemployed?
Nobody needs to be unemployed in this country. You can always get a job sitting outside Burger bars asking for spare change. -
Typos?
A typo prone friend asked if his jokes were any god so I printed them and put 1 on each of 14 fresh graves. No resurrections yet. -
SciFi Romance
I’m writing a book about a science fantasy author who secretly writes romances. It's transgendre literature. -
Air Band
The set was ruined because the air guitar was out of tune and the air drummer’s tempo was worse. -
Solar is the Future
It's dawned on me that solar power is the answer, but it won't happen overnight. -
Clearing Customs
My brother took ages to clear customs. In retrospect it was probably a mistake to send him a txt asking if they'd found the drugs yet? -
Flying Backwards
At Auckland airport waiting for my brother. Before I left home 1/2 hour ago flight was 13 min early now 17 late. Did it stop while I drove? -
Endoscopes
With so many jokes on endoscopes relying on innuendo, I prefer to sit them out. -
Trickling Down?
I refuse to surrender my country to people who think climate change is fake and trickle down is real. -
Woke
The opposite of “Woke” is “Sleeping”. -
Xero
Why would I buy accounting software from someone who can't even spell Zero? -
Winston Looston
NZ politics is a case of Winston, Looseton. -
Water Tax
Was the Labour/Green proposed tax on water aimed at homeopaths? -
Roomba
Sibling Rivalry: My Roomba just choked itself trying to eat the big vacuum cleaner's power cord. -
Rats
I'm unable to donate blood as when one of my medications is given in huge doses to pregnant rats it can cause birth defects. Personally I'd rather my blood was given to humans, not rats. -
LSD
LSD's original name was LSD-25. Dr Albert Hofmann synthesized new forms until number 25 when flying purple giraffes blocked the lab's portcullis. -
Tap dancing Lesson
Tap dancing lesson #1: Drink two pots of tea with no toilet breaks. -
Dinner
Tonight's dinner was bought to me by the letter C: Chilli, cucumber, courgette, cavocado, and comato; into the blender and eaten with Corn chips. -
Rugby
Rugby may be a game of two halves but circles are a game of 2π. (Sorry about the late posting) -
Mnemonic
I wrote a letter today and used the word "Mnemonic" four times. Every single time I spelled it wrong, so I wrote this little mnemonic to remember it "Many Nematodes Eat Mushy Organic Noodles In Cafes." Which would be great if only I could remember how to spell nematoads. -
Blue Whales
Question on a quiz show: The main food of Blue Whales is? Krill, Anchovies, Sardines? Obviously Krill, how's a whale going to open a can? -
Cats
Are my wife's pets my step cats or my cats-in-law? -
Social Media
You can't call a person truly alone who has social media and 5G coverage. -
Comedian?
Pontius Pilot was a comedian. The Bible says he nailed it. -
Flat?
The Earth may not be flat but my bike's rear tyre is. -
AI?
I’m convinced AI stands for “Artificial Incompetence." -
Caesar
Caesar said "Veni, vidi, feci sem" (I came, I saw, I made salad) -
Butter
I've just realised. Butter really doesn't melt in vegans' mouths. -
Horsing Around
The wheels fell off for the NZ Equestrian team at the last Olympics. Team managers say "Next time we'll try hooves." -
Pizza
Pizza? Hell yes! Other brands, not so much! -
Gone, but not forgotten.
It was over 100 years ago. One way or another Schrödinger's cat is dead. (In reality it was in November 1935 that Schrödinger published, so this posting has obviously come through a wormhole from 9 or more years in the future. Quantum!) -
Break a Leg
I’m a comedian not an actor.
Stop telling me to “Break a leg!”
When my wife was a custom baker, I used to tell her to “Crack an egg.”
Why not tell me to “Crack a joke” instead?
#Actor #AucklandComedy #Comedian #Comedy #CustomBaker #NZComedy -
1950s
Imagine 1950s social media.
Send a letter, wait 2 weeks for a reply, then suddenly we have airmail and the LOL comes back in under a week.
#1950s #Airmail #AucklandComedy #Comedy #NZComedy #SocialMedia -
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Fake Spread?
I’m carefully studying the margarine.
I don’t want to spread any fake butter.
#AucklandComedy #Butter #Comedy #Food #Margarine #NZComedy #Study -
Margarine?
I bought a large tub of margarine to share with my neighbours …
community spread.
#AucklandComedy #Comedy #CommunitySpread #Food #Margarine #NZComedy -
Organics?
Organic food’s another name for an old idea.
My mum used to serve up steak and kidney, liver and bacon, sweetbreads, etc.
We just called it “Offal.”
#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Food #NZComedy #OrganicFood -
Polly Gone
I’ve dropped all my jokes about polygons … too edgy.
#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Maths #NZComedy #Polygons -
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Breaking News
Breaking News: I dropped a tray of crockery!
#AucklandComedy #BreakingNews #Comedy #Crockery #NZComedy -
Computer Programmer
I’m a computer programmer so I deal in numbers.
Zero and one to be precise!
#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Mathematics #Maths #Numbers #NZComedy #Programmer #ZeroAndOne -
Home Cooking
I’m staying home and eating my own cooking.
Hmmm.
Safer to dine out.
#AucklandComedy #Comedy #Cooking #Food #HomeCooking #NZComedy