#nzcomedy — Public Fediverse posts

Strong Passwords

https://juliaclement.com/joke-a-day/strong-passwords/

Light Bulbs

It’s getting dark outside.

I think I’ll go and panic buy light bulbs.

Toad Redux

Q: Why did the chicken cross the toad?

A: Autocorrect!

New Study Shows

A new study shows that people will believe almost anything that begins “New study shows.”

Toilet Paper Shortage

Panic buying toilet paper is a shitty thing to do.

Break a Leg

I’m a comedian not an actor.

Stop telling me to “Break a leg!”

When my wife was a custom baker, I used to tell her to “Crack an egg.”

Why not tell me to “Crack a joke” instead?

Fruit Trees

We had fruit trees when I was a kid but I kept eating their children.

Comedian Died (Repost)

DEATH says “They said that comedian died … how stupid do they think I am?

“I can see they’re still walking and they don’t look like a zombie to me …

“I hate zombies.”

[followed by 2 minute rant about zombies]

(Reposted to match theme of last two days)

European Tour (Repost)

Q: What do dead Kiwis tour Europe in?

A: VW Zombis.

(Repost to go with theme of yesterday’s post)

Zombies

Why do zombies eat brains?

Why do vampires avoid the sun?

Why do werewolves hump your leg?

Autocorrect

I’ve finally convinced Autocorrect that I’m unlikely to say “I don’t give a water bird.”

Now for the rare occasion when I want to keep my duck.

Superpowers

My superpowers are intact!

I hung the washing and now it’s raining.

Superpowers

My superpowers are intact!

I hung the washing and now it’s raining.

Masking

So many people catch Covid from household contacts we should mandate masks and distancing at home.

Vinyl?

Vinyl?

Nah, I’m waiting for shellac 78s to come back.

Better still wax cylinders.

Vinyl?

Vinyl?

Nah, I’m waiting for shellac 78s to come back.

Better still wax cylinders.

Washing Machines

I hate washing machines.

They are always stealing my material … especially socks.

Bad Day

John suspected it was going to be a bad day when he saw his wife’s relationship status had changed to “Widowed”.

Bad Day

John suspected it was going to be a bad day when he saw his wife’s relationship status had changed to “Widowed”.

Censor

I hate the way autocorrect censors my posts.

Every fishing line.

Beauty Parlour

I think I’ll start a beauty parlor promoted as “By bad spellers for poor readers.”

I’ll call it Heredressers.

Polly Gone

I’ve dropped all my jokes about polygons … too edgy.

No AI needed

All the bugs in programs I write are lovingly hand crafted.

New Diet

My new diet is so strict I’m only allowed micronutrients.

Stormy Weather

Outdoor performing tip: When the thunder claps, take a bow.

Stormy Weather

Outdoor performing tip: When the thunder claps, take a bow.

Rideshare?

Two things you can’t avoid, death and taxis.

Selective

On the stage everything I said was true, but not everything was said. Not that I was selective with the truth, I only had 20 minutes.

Knees

Safety Tip: Always bend your knees not your back when bashing your head against a brick wall.

Coding

Did my first serious bit of coding in 18 months yesterday & this morning this.

It’s an omen I tell you.

An omen!

Diarrhea

I have diarrhoea & feel wobbly. I told you my cooking at home wasn’t safe.

Homeopathy Drowning

Homeopathic cure for drowning: Start with water & dilute it with water until there is no water left.

COVID Scare

Covid scare: I was eating out & couldn’t taste my food.

Then I remembered I was in McDs.

Phew!

I can’t get no satisfaction

Schrödinger could never tell if his girlfriend was satisfied or not.

Flat tyre.

Q: How many homophobes does it take to change a tyre?

A: One, the others stay in the car so they don’t touch his bum.

Lipstick

When I say I fix up my lipstick after smoking, I mean I can only find my lipstick when I’m searching my handbag for a lighter!

Gum Crime

Gum crime is out of control!

Yesterday there was a large chunk stuck to my shoe.

Gum Crime

Gum crime is out of control!

Yesterday there was a large chunk stuck to my shoe.

Gum Crime

Gum crime is out of control!

Yesterday there was a large chunk stuck to my shoe.

Gum Crime

Gum crime is out of control!

Yesterday there was a large chunk stuck to my shoe.

Gum Crime

Gum crime is out of control!

Yesterday there was a large chunk stuck to my shoe.

Insomnia

Being an uber geek I still sometimes wake up in the middle of the night wondering about major issues like “Do earthworms have parasites?”

Ghostwriter

So ironic that I’m now DEATH’s ghostwriter.

Auto Corrupt?

I hate the way autocorrect manages to choose the wrong word.

The price of intelligibility is consonant vigilante.

Ride share

I stopped ride sharing when my car broke down underground.

My mechanic said it was the worst case of carpool tunnel syndrome he’d ever seen.

Writer’s Block?

I don’t have writer’s block!

I’ve been possessed by the ghost of Marcel Marceau!

Between the Ears

Gender is what’s between the ears, not what’s between the legs

…

My gender must be wax.

Yachts

Do yachts have “Sail by” dates?

English Language

I just don’t understand the English language.

If homophobes are people who hate gays, why aren’t homophones people who chat to gays?

Or iPhones with Grindr installed?

Importer Syndrome

I think I’ve got importer syndrome.

That feeling all my success comes from overseas.