I've been drifting in this weird space between who I was and who I want to be.
It's been a very different feeling. One of transition. Not quite where I was. Not quite where I want to be. Not necessarily bad. But not very pleasant either. I can feel the bubble of tension. I can feel the push of rebirth. I can feel the pull of something moving me forward. But also the grasp of the past reminding me of what once was. For the first time, I cannot clearly see my future on this path I'm on. Im not even sure if I can see a path.
For me, as long as I have a clear goal, I can work out how to get there. Everytime. Even if there is roadblocks. Even if there is multiple paths. As long as I can see the end goal, I am confident I can travel there. I know that I can reinvent myself and try again and again.
But for the first time, I'm not sure what I want for my future. How it looks. How I look. How my job, hobbies, and interests look. What that means for my life and my loved ones and how they play into all this.
My wants and needs of the past no longer serve my future self. What I once was happy with, no longer satisfies me. What I once tolerated, I am no longer interested in. I am no longer making choices on survival, but instead on my full heart and a clear head. And that opens many, many more doors. When you are finally no longer surviving - how do you thrive? What does that look like for you? Who do you become?
I feel a future knocking on my door. Despite the hardships. Despite the roadblocks. Its coming. Its like it's right there - some major breakthrough. Some new thing. Some major life path for me. But once I open that door, I need to decide. I need a path. Even if it changes. Even if theres roadblocks. But I need to have a clear goal in mind, to get back into the flow of the universe and all it has in store for me to experience.
For now, I shall sit in this flow of expansive nothingness of space before that door. Explore what that means. Face nothing but my own reflection, my life, my past, and my present. Who am I? Truly? Deeply? Who will I choose to be as I grow another year older? What will I surround myself with? Who will be by my side? What still serves me? What needs to be let go? What makes me happy? What drives me? What do I need? What do I yearn for?
I feel like I may not be alone in this reflective period, and I'm sure many of you have also faced this pupa stage of evolution. It very much does feel like an unbecoming. A melting. Into a goo in a cocoon. Biding time. Being patient. Slowly deciding. Working. Building. Soon, ready to burst forth something new and wonderful. Soon. But not quite yet...
xxx
Picture of our beautiful cat Artemis, napping by our window.
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