#self-acceptance — Public Fediverse posts

Self-esteem vs. Self-acceptance

Albert Ellis once said, “Self-esteem is the highest sickness known to man or woman because it’s conditional.”

Unlike self-esteem, self-acceptance does not depend on success, failure or comparison. It means accepting yourself as a worthwhile human being regardless of your achievements, mistakes or imperfections.

Read more at:
https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/magazines/panache/quote-of-the-day-by-albert-ellis-self-esteem-is-the-highest-sickness-known-to-man-or-woman-because-its-conditional-what-the-famous-american-psychotherapist-teaches-about-the-hidden-danger-of-self-esteem/articleshow/132066859.cms?utm_source=contentofinterest&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=cppst

✮ Color of the Bone ✮

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Jack the Woodchuck-er-butterfly! #PrideMonth #LoveIsLove #LoveWins #SelfAcceptance #art #cartoon

Jack the Woodchuck-er-butterfly! #PrideMonth #LoveIsLove #LoveWins #SelfAcceptance #art #cartoon

A quotation from Audre Lorde

Nothing I accept about myself can be used against me to diminish me.

Audre Lorde (1934-1992) American writer, feminist, civil rights activist
Essay (1983-10), “Eye to Eye: Black Women, Hatred, and Anger,” Essence Magazine, Vol. 14, No. 6

More about this quote: wist.info/lorde-audre/49145/

#quote #quotes #quotation #qotd #audrelorde #acceptance #defense #guilt #history #leverage #self #selfacceptance #selfdefense #selfimage #shame #vulnerability #weakness #weapon

A quotation from Audre Lorde

Nothing I accept about myself can be used against me to diminish me.

Audre Lorde (1934-1992) American writer, feminist, civil rights activist
Essay (1983-10), “Eye to Eye: Black Women, Hatred, and Anger,” Essence Magazine, Vol. 14, No. 6

More about this quote: wist.info/lorde-audre/49145/

#quote #quotes #quotation #qotd #audrelorde #acceptance #defense #guilt #history #leverage #self #selfacceptance #selfdefense #selfimage #shame #vulnerability #weakness #weapon

"'Hope' is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul And sings the tune without the words And never stops at all..."

- Emily Dickenson

#motivation #selflove #love #selfrespect #esteem #resilience #recovery #believeinyourself #selfacceptance #selfappreciation #selfassessment #selfconfidence #dream

"You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

- A. A. Milne

#motivation #selflove #love #selfrespect #esteem #resilience #recovery #believeinyourself #selfacceptance #selfappreciation #selfassessment #selfconfidence #dream

FROZEN - Fuck It All (PARODY COVER)

https://u2be.ovh/w/deRcbGAqW5zamg6ku1feNE

Parody of the Disney Frozen song "Let It Go": Fuck It All, by Julia Koep.

#Disney #Frozen #LetItGo #Soundtrack #Pop #2010s #SelfAcceptance #SingAlong #Iconic

FROZEN - Fuck It All (PARODY COVER) by @drunkenschokomuffin

https://u2be.ovh/w/deRcbGAqW5zamg6ku1feNE?start=0s&autoplay=1

Parody of the ]Disney Frozen song "Let It Go"](https://u2be.ovh/w/1YvM5ckPv3XhyBtGZtwBHg?autoplay=1): Fuck It All, by Julia Koep.

#Disney #Frozen #LetItGo #Soundtrack #Pop #2010s #SelfAcceptance #SingAlong #Iconic

@mario_desu

I like this version better!!

https://u2be.ovh/w/deRcbGAqW5zamg6ku1feNE

Parody of the Disney Frozen song "Let It Go": Fuck It All, by Julia Koep.

#Disney #Frozen #LetItGo #Soundtrack #Pop #2010s #SelfAcceptance #SingAlong #Iconic

"You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending."

- C. S. Lewis

#motivation #selflove #love #selfrespect #esteem #resilience #recovery #believeinyourself #selfacceptance #selfappreciation #selfassessment #selfconfidence #dream

"And the dandelion does not stop growing because it is told it is a weed, it does not care what others see. It says 'One day, they'll be making wishes upon me."

- B. Atkinson

#motivation #selflove #love #selfrespect #esteem #resilience #recovery #believeinyourself #selfacceptance #selfappreciation #selfassessment #selfconfidence #dream

"And the dandelion does not stop growing because it is told it is a weed, it does not care what others see. It says 'One day, they'll be making wishes upon me."

- B. Atkinson

#motivation #selflove #love #selfrespect #esteem #resilience #recovery #believeinyourself #selfacceptance #selfappreciation #selfassessment #selfconfidence #dream

#FabuFriday… Some days, being reasonably functional is the achievement…

#OrdinaryAndEnough #SelfAcceptance #PersonalGrowth #EmotionalWisdom #ThrivingAuthentically

Read On:
https://tinyurl.com/GloriousAverage

@zponderings

https://linktr.ee/ChangeAndThrivalHood = Change and ThrivalHood
https://pegaphinz.com = Byte Wise Thriving

Sometimes a meaningful life is built on ordinary moments and average lives.

#OrdinaryAndEnough #SelfAcceptance #PersonalGrowth #EmotionalWisdom #ThrivingAuthentically

Read On:
https://tinyurl.com/GloriousAverage

@zponderings

https://linktr.ee/ChangeAndThrivalHood = Change and ThrivalHood
https://pegaphinz.com = Byte Wise Thriving

"Optimism is the one quality more associated with success and happiness than any other."

- Brian Tracy

#motivation #selflove #love #selfrespect #esteem #resilience #recovery #believeinyourself #selfacceptance #selfappreciation #selfassessment #selfconfidence #dream

Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. This Chinese proverb hits different when you sit with it. 💭
#quotes #ChineseProverb #Authenticity #InnerPeace #SelfAcceptance
https://quotes.thisgrandpablogs.com/tension-relaxation-chinese-proverb/

Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. This Chinese proverb hits different when you sit with it. 💭
#quotes #ChineseProverb #Authenticity #InnerPeace #SelfAcceptance
https://quotes.thisgrandpablogs.com/tension-relaxation-chinese-proverb/

"Adopt the pace of nature: Her secret is patience."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

#motivation #selflove #love #selfrespect #esteem #resilience #recovery #believeinyourself #selfacceptance #selfappreciation #selfassessment #selfconfidence #dream

I would know, I have to live with me.

#selfacceptance #comic #funny

I would know, I have to live with me.

#selfacceptance #comic #funny

"Everything in nature invites us constantly to be what we are."

- Gretel Ehrlich

#motivation #selflove #love #selfrespect #esteem #resilience #recovery #believeinyourself #selfacceptance #selfappreciation #selfassessment #selfconfidence #dream

We leave this world eventually. So love loudly, parent with purpose, chase the sunrise, and never amputate the parts of yourself that make you human. 🌒🔥 M3imagination.com

#LifeTruth #SelfAcceptance #LiveFully #MentalStrength #HumanNature #ParentingWisdom #DeepThoughts #GrowthMindset #AuthenticSelf #MementoMori

"When you bring your attention to a stone, a tree or an animal... the same stillness rises within you"

- Eckhart Tolle

#nature #stillness #motivation #selflove #love #selfrespect #esteem #resilience #recovery #believeinyourself #selfacceptance #selfappreciation #selfassessment #selfconfidence #dream

Nature therapy, also called ecotherapy, is the practice of being in nature to boost growth and healing, especially mental health.

"Buy yourself flowers, simply because they're beautiful & you deserve beauty in your life."

- Karen Salmansohn

#motivation #selflove #love #selfrespect #esteem #resilience #recovery #believeinyourself #selfacceptance #selfappreciation #selfassessment #selfconfidence #dream

"The things that make me different are the things that make me, me."

- A. A. Milne

#motivation #selflove #love #selfrespect #esteem #resilience #recovery #believeinyourself #selfacceptance #selfappreciation #selfassessment #selfconfidence #dream

"Self respect, self worth & self love, all start with self. Stop looking outside of yourself for your value."

- Rob Liano

#motivation #selflove #love #selfrespect #esteem #resilience #recovery #believeinyourself #selfacceptance #selfappreciation #selfassessment #selfconfidence #dream

"Self-care is your fuel. Whatever the road ahead or the path you've taken, self-care is what keeps your motor running and your wheels turning."

- Melissa Steginus

#motivation #selflove #love #selfrespect #esteem #resilience #recovery #believeinyourself #selfacceptance #selfappreciation #selfassessment #selfconfidence #dream

"Feel the fear and do it anyway."

- Susan Jeffers

#motivation #selflove #love #selfrespect #esteem #resilience #recovery #believeinyourself #selfacceptance #selfappreciation #selfassessment #selfconfidence #dream

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

- Dr. Seuss

#motivation #selflove #love #selfrespect #esteem #resilience #recovery #believeinyourself #selfacceptance #selfappreciation #selfassessment #selfconfidence #dream

In the end

Nine years ago I wrote a journal entry containing this quote:

At the end, when your legs are tired
and your arms are giving out,
GET ANGRY.
Get angry that you are tired.
THEN HIT IT HARDER.

~ unknown

slip:4a109.

Although I still like that quote, I no longer find it inspiring. For me, the time and place for that mindset are behind me. I’m not quitting. Rather, when I get tired and my arms and legs give out, I now think: I misjudged the goal. I can access that other mindset if I choose to go on, but I’m also serenely happy to rest.

ɕ

Self-respect

To live without self-respect is to lie awake some night, beyond the reach of warm milk, phenobarbital, and the sleeping hand on the coverlet, counting up the sins of commission and omission, the trusts betrayed, the promises subtly broken, the gifts irrevocably wasted through sloth or cowardice or carelessness. However long we postpone it, we eventually lie down alone in that notoriously uncomfortable bed, the one we make ourselves. Whether or not we sleep in it depends, of course, on whether or not we respect ourselves.

~ Joan Didion

slip:4a975.

Self-doubt

You know what the best thing about being an entrepreneur is? That you never have to experience self-doubt, the way people with normal day jobs do.

Ha. I was just kidding. Actually, as an entrepreneur, you have self-doubt coming out of your pores like cold sweat. And that’s on a good day.

~ Hugh MacLeod

slip:4a962.

If you change

You have two options. You can stay the same and protect the formula that gave you your initial success. They’re going to crucify you for staying the same. If you change, they’re going to crucify you for changing. But staying the same is boring. And change is interesting. So of the two options, I’d rather be crucified for changing.

~ Joni Mithcell

slip:4a921.

Excellence

Supreme excellence consists of breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting.

~ Sun Tzu

slip:4a745.

Supreme excellence

Supreme excellence consists of breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting.

~ Sun Tzu

slip:4a745.

First thought: What if the enemy is myself? Surely, Sun Tzu would consul alternative options which do not involve full frontal attack. Because telling my petulant self that it has to sit down and “Eat. Just. One. Pea!” …that’s not going to work. (Actually, hold on, maybe if I try frontal assault one more time… nope, that really does not work.)

How does one break one’s own resistance? Can I ruminate on goals, or the “whys”? (e.g., “Why did I say I wanted to do this thing you’re now resisting?”) Can I examine, and then let go of, sunk costs? Can I visualize the finished place, state, or situation?

If I could do any of that, would I have then solved the bigger problem: Why am I [in point of fact] my own worst enemy?

ɕ

Attitude and assessment

It seems likely that Jack Sparrow’s admonishment about attitude is an echo of Aurelius’s reminder to himself two thousand years earlier. This idea that the attitude and assessment is most important has really helped me relax. Things will never be done, and I create all of my problems. I’ve come to understand that concrete goals and clear progress are detrimental to my health. They’re necessary, yes, but detrimental. The more goals I set, the more clear progress I can measure, the worse off I become; Mentally and physically those things grind me down.

Since they’re necessary—without them, it seems I’d simply devolve to being a blob on a sofa—I must have something in my life which counters the damage so that I can continue setting some sane number of goals and measuring some concrete progress. One of those things is practicing my attitude and assessment. I set aside time for this each morning. It’s not meant to take long. 15 minutes is really long enough. I read through a prompt from a set that I’ve created for myself. I read through a selection from some key books. I write in my journal, usually copying a single new quote from my collection as the beginning of the journal entry. I write some thoughts. I write some observations from the previous day.

Unfortunately, just about every morning, my urge—affliction? addiction?—to measure and create goals creeps into my morning reflection. Why am I taking all this time? (I’m up to something like 4,000 hand-written pages of journals!) Am I getting benefit from all this reflection? What’s the optimum “dosage” of reflection which yields the most benefit? How do I even measure the benefit? Is that page—that one I just wrote, an instant before these questions pop into my mind—worth writing? If I read that page in a year, will it in any way help me? Is the entry for today long enough? Should it have more “here’s what I did yesterday,” type stuff, or less? Maybe I should be also making a small note on my mood, or how I feel physically? Maybe I should… Oh, crap.

Close the journal, and go on with today!

ɕ

Looking back

I’ve started thinking about a touch phrase for 2021. (2020’s was the superbly helpful, “Get less done.”) As part of the thinking, I was browsing the old blog, and wondered when I last missed a daily post. That turns out to be November 18, 2019. It’s simply a random day with nothing posted.

For a few weeks leading up to that 18th, there’s a post on each day. But October of 2019 is Swiss cheese—actually, it’s more hole than cheese. But early to mid 2019 things look mostly solidly-posted. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I also know that in the very beginning of this blog I wasn’t even intending to post daily; In the beginning it was just a place for me to put things that I felt I needed some place to put. Unsurprisingly, character by character this blog was built like a drifting sand dune. In 2021 this blog will turn 10. Hello World was posted on August 13, 2011. If I continue, and I see no reason to stop, post number 3,000 should appear in late December 2021.

I bring this up because this time of year is traditionally a time for wrapping things up, and striking out anew, perhaps with a fresh start or a new commitment, into the new year. meh. That never works for me. But you know what has been working well—year-round, not just during this completely arbitrary calendar roll-over point—

LOOK BACK!

Look back at some of the things you’ve accomplished or experienced and think: “Well if that isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.” Seriously. I’m not going to end this post on a, “but if you don’t like what you see…”. No.

Take some time during the arbitrary end-of-the-year machinations to look back and think:

Well if that isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.

ɕ

Getting Less Done

My touch-phrase for 2019 was, “no.” In terms of self-imposed stress and crippling depression, 2019 was the worst year ever; I’ve more than 10 years of journals and I’ve checked. 2018 was bad, but 2019—the year I set out specifically to reduce the problems—was definitely and significantly worse than 2018.

I remain convinced that it is not possible to optimize one’s way out of burn-out. If I have 500 things I want to get done and I’m burnt-out, the solution is to reduce the number of things, not get better at getting things done. I’m speaking from personal experience, not from theory.

2020 has to be the year of getting less done.

In 2019, the “no” touch-phrase was meant to guide me to developing the habit of saying no to things coming towards me. A huge amount of ideas and opportunities come at me, and I’ve gotten much better at saying, “no.” (I’m not quite ready to say I’ve gotten “good” at it; but I’ve definitely gotten better.) I’ve gotten better at evaluating Big Asks from the world, and saying, “no.” A textbook example of that is people/groups which reach out to me, asking for my input or participation.

“No, I do not have the time to do that well.”

“No, I cannot to do that the way it deserves to be done.”

…and so on. Note particularly the absence of the societal lubrication, (a.k.a., the usual lie,) “I’m sorry, but…” Because, I’m not sorry. I’m defending myself, and I’ve reached the point where if my candid, timely, and honest response feels like a wack on the head… Bummer. Life’s hard; get a helmet.

2020 has to be the year of getting less done.

In a previous post (on my personal blog) I mentioned the idea of leverage; positing that I should focus on asking myself, “how much leverage does this opportunity afford me?” This still doesn’t feel quite the right fit for 2020 because leverage per se isn’t a value I’m interested in maximizing.

So that leaves me where?

2020 has to be the year of getting less done.

GLD — Get less done.

Maybe that’s the touch-phrase for 2020?

ɕ

Meta: I had posted this in the Movers Mindset Forum early in 2020. But, for some reason I cannot fathom—perhaps it was simply an oversight—I didn’t post this here on the ‘ol blog in very-early 2020 when it was written. ;)

The writing is easy

The hard part is deciding what to share.

At no point am I at a loss for something to write. Instead, I’m at a loss to decide what is worth sharing. This is true for this web site, conversations I have with podcast guests, and my personal journal. The way I sort out whether something is worth sharing is to think about who is it for. I read my personal journals in an ongoing way—each morning, (give or take,) I read that day’s entry from various numbers of years ago. So in my journaling I know that capturing my struggles and frustrations will serve me well; 9 years later, I read those entries and am relieved to see how that story turned out.

Other things—this web site, the podcast conversations—are not meant primarily for me. And so with pieces like this I try to have a point. Today it’s: Language, writing, conversation, reading, etc. are tools. As with any tool, it’s the intention of the user which matters most. You can break things or build things up using any tool you care to consider.

But first you have to ask yourself are you using your tools intentionally?

ɕ

I am not my work

“I am not my work,” is one of those aphorisms that I need to have etched into my cornea. Have you seen watermarks on images? I need this phrase watermarked directly onto my vision.

Long ago–if memory serves–I was motivated by extrinsics. Doing something well resulted in external confirmation; so generating that external confirmation was easy for me. But–as everyone knows–it’s a vicious cycle of saccharine sweetness. Eventually, that lesson was learned. The obviously better option is to be intrinsically motivated. Check. Got it.

Unfortunately for me, there’s another onion-skin layer to peal away below, “be intrinsically motivated,” which is to not take criticism of work done as criticism of myself. The immediate hack is that I’ve inserted a mandatory, “thank you,” in response to criticism. This doesn’t fix the problem of identifying myself with my work. But it does buy me a few moments. By the time I’ve said thank you and acknowledged the critic, it’s become possible to see the criticism as being ‘of the work.’ Crucial moments indeed.

ɕ

Our deepest fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?

~ Marianne Williamson

slip:4a544.

§21 – It’s all about love

For me, what defines a human being is the combination of our intellect, our self-awareness, and our mortality. Developing the first two, and in particular becoming comfortable with the third takes a lot of time. It’s clear to me that there are seasons to our human lives. The best description I’ve heard is that of four seasons: roots, fire, water and air, corresponding to beginning, actively carving one’s path, learning acceptance and understanding, and finally wisdom. (This is obviously a variation of the four, classical elements.)

Frequently over the past year I’ve found myself thinking about the transition from the season of water to the season of air. What would the season of air feel like if I experienced glimpses of it from the season of water?

I believe I have an answer: Understanding self-love.

To come to grips with one’s own mortality requires a deep apprehension of the temporary state of our existence, and I now believe understanding self-love is the doorway to the age of air.

ɕ

Missed it and that’s ok

Yesterday, there was no post here on the ol’ blog, and yesterday I was ok with that. This is a big deal for me.

I’m obsessive about sticking with systems, and of course I have a system to my mornings which involves setting aside time to write. Yesterday, some other important things came up and I felt my time was better spent elsewhere. After all, “write a post every day” is not a pillar of my self-identity. (“I am someone who blogs,” is a pillar.)

Previously—by which I mean, on any day I can recall, before yesterday—I would have been all over myself, all day about not having had a blog post. I probably would have listed “no blog posts” among the nightly reasons I review while falling asleep as to why the day was a failure.

But somehow, yesterday, there was simply no blog post.

Today you might argue that I’m cheating because I’m writing about writing. But I am writing. Most importantly, I’m writing abot what’s on my mind.

So, what other routines might I be clinging to for no good reason?

ɕ

Be kind to yourself

I just finished listening to an interview with Stephane Vigroux (see, 1, 2, 3, and 4) and one of his take-aways—the point he ended with actually—was that your parkour practice should make you happy. If I may unpack a bit: That you should be kind to yourself.

Stephane teaches a drill which has many variations, but is roughly to spend 30 minutes balancing on a rail. One finds something reasonable to balance on, like a simple railing or a low bar, where falling off has no consequences and where it’s easy to re-mount. When balancing, simply stand as still as you can. Switch legs and positions as you need to, but mostly, simply stand still and balance. If you fall off, simply get back on, and be kind to yourself for the duration.

Go do this drill. Seriously. If you cannot balance on a railing, scale the challenge down to fit your ability; Find a narrow wall, a curb, something the size of a shoebox, a bench—whatever, and alternate balancing on one foot at a time.

I’ve had the chance to train with Stephane a few times. Once, in Évry France (right in front of the Cathedral) a large group was being led by Williams Belle through a long sequence of ground movements. I had arrived at the event from another week-long event, in the middle of a summer after I had recently given up a year-long physical challenge that had my left shoulder with an aching weakness. It was only mid-morning and I was grinding my way through the physical training. There was a tremendous group spirit of support and encouragement, with everyone—absolutely everyone being pushed to their own personal limits. There was shouting and cheering and a good bit of laughing.

I could have continued. It’s possible that every other time I had ever done physical training I did continue. I had struggled through the, “this hurts I want to quit,” rationalization much earlier that morning. But for some reason, at some random moment, I stood up and walked off to the side where I sat down on an outdoor chair in the shade. At that moment, it felt right to choose to be kind to myself rather than persevere.

After a few minutes, Stephane also stopped, walked over, sat down in a neighboring chair, and asked how I was doing. It wasn’t an, “are you injured, why have you stopped?” visit. Just a friend dropping by to see how I was feeling.

ɕ

Incessant

I’m on a streak about my problems and weaknesses, and today I have another one: Incessant, incremental improvement. I need to learn that sometimes it’s best to leave well-enough alone. My drive for continuous improvement causes me problems in two ways.

First, not every conceived improvement turns out to be so in the end. It’s more like a random walk experiment; One step forward, one step forward, one step forward, two steps back! The setbacks stick in my craw and I get fixated on the thing I was tinkering with. I had good enough, better, ok wow, awesome… and the setback to ‘better’ just feels unbearable. My favorite though is the setback to now it’s totally broken.

Second, I expend huge amounts of mental effort and time looking for incremental improvements. I can take this quest to batshit-crazy levels. Sometimes I manage to see or experience something and not start thinking of ways to change it. Sometimes. It’s rare. There’s no peace nor serenity when your mind is always ticking looking for improvements.

As usual, more questions and observations than answers today.

ɕ

Daily reminders

I learned then that even when I felt powerless to control my job or education — or anything else that seemed out of my hands — I always had control over my own mind and how I treated others. Even when I had nothing else, I could still be kind, just, generous, honest, loving and compassionate.

~ Susan Fowler

slip:4a1138.

I find that I’ve often committed myself to an unmanageable number of responsibilities. There are so many things I have the personal power to do, that I seem to be compelled to constantly deploy my power. Worse, I feel guilty if I’m not constantly applying my power towards some goal. I end up with a forest of goals and a feeling of being trapped. Shortly after feeling trapped, I find myself sinking into the pits of dispair on the shore of the lake of learned helplessness.

One habit I’ve built to try to keep myself entirely away from that lake is a collection of daily reminders. Ever the process maniac, I have them in my personal task management system in a rotation that brings one up each day. There are enough of them that even though they are in a fixed order I never know which is next. Each feels like a fresh reminder. They are collected from Ben Franklin, Leo Babauta and some other places I’ve neglected to keep track of.

They are:

1. AM I AN ENERGY-GIVER OR -TAKER? — Strive to lift others up; to leave them feeling better than before the encounter. While being mindful of my own energy level, seek ways to create a zest for life in others.
2. BECOME MINDFUL OF ATTACHMENTS THAT LEAD TO CLUTTER AND COMPLEXITY — For example, if you are attached to sentimental items, you won’t be able to let go of clutter. If you are attached to living a certain way, you will not be able to let go of a lot of stuff. If you are attached to doing a lot of activities and messaging everyone, your life will be complex.
3. TEMPERANCE — Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
4. BE PROACTIVE — While the word proactivity is now fairly common in management literature, it is a word you won’t find in most dictionaries. It means more than meerly taking initiative. It means that as human beings, we are responsible for our own lives. Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions. We can subordinate feelings to values. We have the initiative and the responsibility to make things happen. (Habit 1)
5. AM I LIKELY TO “ACT” OR “REACT” TO A TASK? — Seek the reason for the task so that it may motivate me to proper action. Otherwise, determine how to eliminate or avoid the task entirely. Do or do not; there is no try.
6. SILENCE — Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
7. WHAT AM I DOING WHILE ON “THE BENCH?” — If there is somewhere I want to be, begin walking. Identify something which I can do now, or very soon, which is interesting. Remember that efficacy is active, not passive.
8. BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND — Each part of your life can be examined in the context of the whole, of what really matters most to you. By keeping that end clearly in mind you can make certain that whatever you do on any particular day does not violate the criteria you have defined as supremely important, and that each day of your life contributes in a meaningful way to the vision you have to your life as a whole. (Habit 2)
9. DISTRACTION, BUSYNESS AND CONSTANT SWITCHING ARE MENTAL HABITS — We don’t need any of these habits, but they build up over the years because they comfort us. We can live more simply by letting go of these mental habits. What would life be like without constant switching, distraction and busyness?
10. ORDER — Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
11. WHAT CAN I DO TO BE SO GOOD THEY CAN’T IGNORE ME? — Continuous improvement? A “big swing?” A simple but insightful solution? The path to “the best” is not obvious and likely does not directly through the most-obvious next thing.
12. PUT FIRST THINGS FIRST — The degree to which we have developed our independent will in our everyday lives is measured by our personal integrity. Integrity is, fundamentally, the value we place on ourselves. It’s our ability to take and keep commitments to ourselves, to “walk our talk.” It’s honor with self, a fundamental part of the Character Ethic, the essence of proactive growth. (Habit 3)
13. AM I AUTHENTIC OR OBSEQUIOUS? — Discerning the difference between obsequiousness and politeness can be difficult, but courtesy should be rooted in benevolence. Politeness should be the expression of a benevolent regard for the feelings of others; it’s a poor virtue if it’s motivated only by a fear of offending good taste. In its highest form Politeness approaches love.
14. SINGLE-TASK BY PUTTING YOUR LIFE IN FULL-SCREEN MODE — Imagine that everything you do — a work task, answering an email or message, washing a dish, reading an article — goes into full-screen mode, so that you don’t do or look at anything else. You just inhabit that task fully, and are fully present as you do it. What would your life be like? In my experience, it’s much less stressful when you work and live this way. Things get your full attention, and you do them much better. And you can even savor them.
15. RESOLUTION — Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
16. THINK WIN/WIN — Most people tend to think in terms of dichotomies: strong or weak, hardball or softball, win or lose. But that kind of thinking is fundamentally flawed. It’s based on power and position rather than on principle. Win/Win is based on the paradigm that there is plenty for everybody, that one person’s success is not achieved at the expense or exclusion of the success of others. (Habit 4)
17. HOW DO I TREAT SOMEONE I DON’T KNOW? — Your character shows in how you treat those who can do nothing for you.
18. FRUGALITY — Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
19. SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD — You’ve spent years learning how to read and write, years learning how to speak. But what about listening? What training or education have you had that enables you to listen so that you really, deeply understand another human being from that individual’s own frame of reference? (Habit 5)
20. CREATE SPACE BETWEEN THINGS — Add padding to everything. Do half of what you imagine you can do. We tend to cram as much as possible into our days. And this becomes stressful, because we always underestimate how long things will take, and we forget about maintenance tasks like putting on clothes and brushing teeth and preparing meals. We never feel like we have enough time because we try to do too much. But what would it be like if we did less? What would it be like if we padded how long things took, so that we have the space to actually do them well, with full attention? What would it be like if we took a few minutes’ pause between tasks, to savor the accomplishment of the last task, to savor the space between things, to savor being alive?
21. INDUSTRY — Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
22. SYNERGIZE — What is synergy? Simply defined, it means that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. It means that the relationship which the parts have to each other is a part in and of itself. It is not only a part, but the most catalytic, the most empowering, the most unifying, and the most exciting part. (Habit 6)
23. IS THERE AN ELEMENT OF STRUGGLE IN MY HISTORY? — This reminds me to be kind for everyone I meet is working through their own struggle. Through the experience of my own struggle I can better understand and emphathize with others on similar journeys. Furthermore, being reminded of my past struggles suggests perspective on my day-to-day general lack of struggle.
24. MY OATH — Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I shall make no excuses and hold no grudges. I care not where I came from, only where I am going. I don’t compare myself to others, only to myself from yesterday. I shall not brag about successes nor complain about my struggles, but share my experiences and help my fellows. I know I impact those around me with my actions, and so I must move forward, every day. I acknowledge fear, doubt, and despair, but I do not let them defeat me.
25. SINCERITY — Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
26. SHARPEN THE SAW — It’s preserving and enhancing the greatest asset you have–you. It’s renewing the four dimensions of your nature: physical, spiritual, mental, and social/emotional. … “Sharpen the saw” basically means expressing all four motivations. It means exercising all four dimensions of our nature, regularly and consistently in wise and balanced ways. (Habit 7)
27. WHAT HAVE I BEEN READING? — I’ve performed this experiment countless times: Read little: nothing happens. Read more: ideas, new connections, inspiration, questions, motivation, short-cuts, wonder.
28. JUSTICE — Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
29. FIND JOY IN A FEW SIMPLE THINGS — For me, those include writing, reading/learning, walking and doing other active things, eating simple food, meditating, spending quality time with people I care about. Most of that doesn’t cost anything or require any possessions (especially if you use the library for books!). I’m not saying I have zero possessions, nor that I only do these few things. But to the extent that I remember the simple things I love doing, my life suddenly becomes simpler. When I remember, I can let go of everything else my mind has fixated on, and just find the simple joy of doing simple activities.
30. MODERATION — Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
31. WOULD I WANT TO GO ON A LONG CAR RIDE WITH ME? — Long car rides are a quintessential American experience. Along with the good however, comes the opportunity for bad. With others present the confined space, lack of privacy, and monotony of rolling vistas create a microcosm of life on a tiny stage. How I share that stage with the others in the car, and what specifically I do while on that stage tells all.
32. GET CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT, AND SAY NO TO MORE THINGS — We are rarely very clear on what we want. What if we became crystal clear on what we wanted in life? If we knew what we wanted to create, how we wanted to live … we could say yes to these things, and no to everything else. Saying no to more things would simplify our lives.
33. CLEANLINESS — Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.
34. AM I SELF-AWARE? — The first step in my journey was realizing I was unhappy. This realization — detecting it, understanding it, believing it, surrendering to it, and finally owning it — was the first piece of bedrock on which I started building.
35. TRANQUILLITY — Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
36. PRACTICE DOING NOTHING, EXQUISITELY — No need to plan, no need to read, no need to watch something, no need to do a chore or eat while you do nothing. You will start to notice your brain’s habit of wanting to get something done. This exposes our mental habits, which is a good thing. Keep doing nothing. Sit for awhile, resisting the urge to do something. After some practice, you can get good at doing nothing, and this leads to the mental habit of contentment and gratitude.
37. CHASTITY — Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.
38. WHAT IS MY TALK-TO-LISTEN RATIO? — It’s better to listen to understand, rather than to, (for example,) listen to refute. Silence is fine provided one’s own thoughts are pleasant company. When speaking, think first about why you are about to say whatever it is you’re about to say.
39. WE CREATE OUR OWN STRUGGLES — All the stress, all the frustrations and disappointments, all the busyness and rushing … we create these with attachments in our heads. By letting go, we can relax and live more simply.
40. HUMILITY — Imitate Socrates.
41. FESTINA LENTE — Make haste, slowly. Or, unrestrained moderation. “The worker must be stronger than his project; loads larger than the bearer must necessarily crush him. Certain careers, moreover, are not so demanding in themselves as they are prolific in begetting a mass of other activities. Enterprises which give rise to new and multifarious activities should be avoided; you must not commit yourself to a task from which there is no free egress. Put your hand to one you can finish or at least hope to finish; leave alone those that expand as you work at them and do not stop where you intended they should.” ~ Seneca, On Tranquility [7]
42. LOOK BACK — Look back at some of the things you’ve accomplished or experienced and think: Well if that isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.
    “One never notices what has been done; One can only see what remains to be done.” ~ Marie Curie (4a585)

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slip:4b1 et al

Oct 2019: Added the seven habits of highly effective people from Stephen Covey’s book.
Jul 2020: Added, “what am I doing while on ‘the bench’?” and “what can I do to be so good they can’t ignore me?“
Oct 2020: Added, “festina lente“
Dec 2020: Added, “look back“
Jan 2021: Expanded this into a series of posts, Practicing Reflection.
Mar 2023: An updated list of the prompts is now posted at My Daily Reflection Prompts.

§9 – Twenty Minutes a Day

One of my favorite ideas from Charles Duhigg’s book, The Power of Habit, is the idea of a keystone habit. Keystone habits create a chain reaction; Changing and rearranging your other habits as you integrate the habit into your life. According to Duhigg, “keystone habits influence how we work, eat, play, live, spend, and communicate”, and they “start a process that, over time, transforms everything.”

After self-awareness and self-assessment, my 20 minutes of stretching and recovery work every morning is by far the single most important thing I’ve changed in my journey. (“Every morning” is the goal, not always the reality.) Initially, it was the one critical first little piece of success from which I launched a pile of awesome changes. It continues to be my reliable fallback position when things go off the rails.

Every time I get stuck, fail at sticking to a good habit, or make a mistake with diet, I repeat to myself: Start again tomorrow. Start again tomorrow with one small bit of success first thing in the morning, (and a cup of coffee.)

How my “20 minutes” works:

Declare 20 minutes of “me-time” first thing in the morning. Literally explain to others that you are creating space for yourself to start your day. It’s not leave-me-alone time. If there are others in your household, they are welcome to visit you and interact. You may find they occasionally join you.

Go straight there, as soon as you can. Ok, yes, make a bathroom stop and obtain your beverage of choice on your way to your morning session. But you do not need to arrive at your space awake and ready to exercise. You only need to get there. The stretching and moving will gradually wake you up. It will also wake up your mind; You’re going to have twenty minutes every morning to peacefully review your yesterday, plan your today, or even practice some mindfulness meditation. But only if you want! Your initial goal is to simply get to your space ASAP each morning.

Create (or designate) a space. This is really critical. It cannot be a place that you have to setup; It has to be a place that always exists, that you can simply stumble into first thing in the morning. Find a few square feet and make it your own. A light, a little clock, maybe some music setup ready to go, maybe a yoga mat. Having a physical space (as simple or as complex as you choose to make it) will help your mind shift automatically. “I do this sort of stuff in this space,” becomes automatic.

Music? For a long time, I was really into electronica-esque music for this. (Sometimes I still use the music.) I fanatically groomed a Pandora station with electronic music that has absolutely no vocals—but obviously use whatever works for your, including no music if you prefer. When I use music, I want it to help me zone in on what I’m doing and forget the world.

Props, mats, weights, etc. Start simple. As you go along, you’ll discover things—an article on the Internet, a yoga class, a friend’s ideas—and you’ll take in new moves, stretches and exercises as your own. I started without yoga blocks, then one day found a new stretch I wanted to be able to use when I felt I needed it, and bought two simple yoga blocks for the purpose. This way everything you have in your space, has a purpose rather than being something that nags you, “oh, I should be using that.”

Simply stretching and moving is your first activity. What does your body want to do first? Just learning to be able to answer that question honestly each morning is a great lesson. Then what does it need next? Move when you feel like it. Engage muscles when you feel like it. Engage your brain when you feel like it. Twenty minutes goes by in a blink.

Other tips, tricks and resources

Take some yoga classes. Find a Yin yoga class and spend a few months learning.

No. Right. Now. Oliver Emberton has a great article, How to Debug Your Brain. It’s funny and really exactly what’s wrong with our brains. Emberton’s idea of hijacking a “transition” led me to aim for “first thing in the morning.” I hijack the, “I just got out of bed” transition as many mornings as I can. My rationale is: I was literally just ignoring everything when I was unconscious, so I can continue ignoring everything for a little longer while I put me first.

Focus on what you can control. Iterate. Steve Kamb wrote an article talking about each Avenger’s super power, and Tony Stark’s power specifically, What’s Your Avengers Superpower. Stark is not actually a superhero. Stark simply knows the rule: you can’t edit a blank page, and you can’t improve a machine that hasn’t been built yet. Iterate.

When Life Sucks

Exercise Obstacle

How to Create Habits That Stick

How Lego and Minecraft Will Help You Get in Shape

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Time is slipping

Thank you for giving me a few moments of your time.

Every moment—well, minus the 1/3 of my life when I’m horizontal and unconscious—I have the power to exercise my free will to decide what to do with my time. Since you are on the Internet, you likely also have this power and freedom. (Many people do not.)

Which moments do I regret? The ones where my choices were not intentional. Moments where I was habitual. Moments where I was reactive.

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