#abuserecovery — Public Fediverse posts
Live and recent posts from across the Fediverse tagged #abuserecovery, aggregated by home.social.
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CW: abuse and its justification
One of the ways in which abusers - and especially my abusive sibling - have hurt me was to teach me that abuse is not a choice. That's of cause how they justified it: The poor sobs just couldn't HELP it!
I've known for a long time that lasting patterns of abuse, as well as extreme abusive behaviours (even if they're one-off), are choices or follow a person's chosen moral convictions. Neither genes nor mental illness nor drugs nor mind control nor torture can cause someone to act against their deep moral convictions, like for example murder a loved one. And even in less extreme cases, it's up to the abuser's responsibility to make significant changes in their life to stop destructive patterns like guilt tripping.
But intellectually knowing something and really knowing it are two different things. I keep getting triggered into "questioning" whether I'm actually evil (abusive, oppressive, ableist etc) because if abuse is not a choice, then I might be abusive despite not WANTING to be!
It occurs to me as I'm writing this, how much this has to do with deep distortions based on confusing outer perception with truth. What *I* care about is truth. I care about whether or not my actions hurt innocent people. Abusers on the other hand only care about perceptions, to the point where they stop distinguishing between perception and reality. They don't care that they're causing harm, but they care obsessively and intensely and violently about not being PERCEIVED as an abuser!
Yeah no, that part is not a choice, that's true, it is outside someone's control how others perceive or label or judge them (to some extent/depending on circumstances).
But I'd rather be seen as an abuser than actually causing that kind of harm. Whereas my sibling and other abusers act as though the fear of potentially maybe getting criticised for abusive actions gives them the right to retaliate violently. (emotional violence counts as violet in this context)
They see this as self defense! 🤯
Because in their worldview, how others perceive them is where their "personal" boundary needs to be protected, because there's no difference between perception and truth?? idek, it makes no sense to me but this is how they act. And the flip side is true too: If they perceive me as a threat or as pathetic or as dangerous or as lazy or as having it too easy or as incompetent or whatever it is today - then I must accept it as truth and repent and do better and suffer the consequences. (me feeling bad is what's important, not fixing anything in the real world, which is how abusers differ from non-abusers)
Of course the double standards: If they are perceived as anything less than pristine, they get to attack me. If I am perceived as lacking, they also get to attack me. They need to be protected from feeling bad at all costs! After all, they're poor suffering victims of abuse and oppression! But despite being just as much (actually more) of a victim, I need to swallow any and all bad feelings they sling at me without ever complaining, let alone defending myself.
#AbuseCulture #abuse #AbuseSurvivor #AbuseRecovery #AbusiveSibling #RedFlags
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CW: How to safely talk about and process trauma? For trauma survivors and everyone else
This came up in a conversation and I edited it and made this rebloggable version.
I think the first and most important point is to learn how to spot abusive and manipulative behaviour and how to stay safe, set boundaries or get away.
I can't recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That enough for this purpose! He leaked the abusers' playbooks. You'll gain invaluable insight even if your abuse didn't take place in the male-on-female domestic violence scenario that he is an expert on.For mutual support that doesn't need experts but has some structure to it, I'm currently on a co-counseling kick, I love that method. Though I'm sure it's not the only one.
Whether there's structure or it's spontaneous, whether experts are present or not: What's important are boundaries and consent and that consent needs to apply to situations where you deal with triggering material or trauma - with everyone involved. So that includes people who just happen to be within earshot, their consent matters.
Talk about ways to check in with your body, to make sure you're as connected as you can be and that the conversation brings you closer to yourself, not further away. This also goes for everyone involved, including counselors.
Challenge ableism: No judgement or shaming for expressing emotions, feelings or thoughts, for fears or for laughing without a reason or yawning or crying or even raging/tantrums, or for channeling inner children or for switching (plural systems). Only when ppl do harm to selves or others should they be stopped, but even then in a respectful way.
If it's a setting with professional staff around, make sure they're safe to talk to in cases where such conversations went wrong or left someone feeling overwhelmed or having boundaries disrespected or needing additional support. Meaning, don't tell them they shouldn't have tried to talk about the thing. If it was a bad idea, they might come to that conclusion on their own.
For all my trauma therapy (individual and groups), I have had most of my best healing conversations when no therapists were around. It really works when ppl respect consent.
#trauma #TraumaRecovery #recovery #AbuseCulture #AbuseSurvivor #AbuseRecovery #ableism #AntiAbleism
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I used to be ruled by fear. All the abuse and trauma throughout my life meant that I never had a safety net and never anyone or anything I could trust or fall back on. I trusted myself and my own discernment least of all because I was the one who got blamed for everything.
No longer. Two years ago, I made a commitment to not let fear hold me back from doing what I know is right. And I stuck with it. It changed the way I live my life.
Last year, I made another commitment to myself, one which I didn't know how to put into words, but I stuck with anyway: That I would no longer separate myself from myself. I would no longer abuse my own body by pushing past my limits, for example.
I am now staying with myself, staying connected to my body, staying ME, despite all the trauma and fear I'm suffering. It is hard but it is worth it. Not only am I growing and learning and HEALING old wounds despite the current circumstances - I am also bringing all of my abilities, strengths and knowledge to the fight.
I'm no longer letting myself get cut off from myself. It's the equivalent of having functioning supply and communication lines while under attack. It can't give me everything or protect me from all dangers, but it's giving me the best chance I'm gonna get.
1/5 🧵
#AbuseRecovery #TraumaRecovery #CultRecovery #about #fear #EmotionalHealing #dissociation #DID #AbuseSurvivor #RapeSurvivor
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Responsibility Restores Agency
(adding to my post about setting healthy boundaries with abuse survivors)
The reason that getting pushback against letting their toxicity spill out is so important to abuse survivors is that it forces them to make a decision: Do I WANT to let the toxicity spill out to others?
If they answer with yes or that they don't care, then they're deciding to be abusers. They'll deny and rationalise it, but that's what it comes down to.
If they answer with no, then they FINALLY have an antidote against that deepseated, horrible shame that probably ate at them since they were tiny: I can work on avoiding specific, toxic behaviours and that is GOOD ENOUGH. I am not bad or tainted to my core. I am ok as who I am and I have agency to work on my behaviour from that foundation onwards.
What abuse survivors (and anyone else for that matter) need more than anything is agency, not false reassurances or platitudes. Don't make unreasonable demands, do point them to support if possible, but stay honest about whether or not they caused harm. You can be as gentle or abrupt as seems appropriate in the circumstances, just don't lie to them.
And remember: Your boundaries, needs, perspective and voice matter!
#abuse #MentalHealth #AbuseRecovery #recovery #agency #AbuseSurvivor #toxicity #ToxicPeople #boundaries
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Responsibility Restores Agency
(adding to my post about setting healthy boundaries with abuse survivors)
The reason that getting pushback against letting their toxicity spill out is so important to abuse survivors is that it forces them to make a decision: Do I WANT to let the toxicity spill out to others?
If they answer with yes or that they don't care, then they're deciding to be abusers. They'll deny and rationalise it, but that's what it comes down to.
If they answer with no, then they FINALLY have an antidote against that deepseated, horrible shame that probably ate at them since they were tiny: I can work on avoiding specific, toxic behaviours and that is GOOD ENOUGH. I am not bad or tainted to my core. I am ok as who I am and I have agency to work on my behaviour from that foundation onwards.
What abuse survivors (and anyone else for that matter) need more than anything is agency, not false reassurances or platitudes. Don't make unreasonable demands, do point them to support if possible, but stay honest about whether or not they caused harm. You can be as gentle or abrupt as seems appropriate in the circumstances, just don't lie to them.
And remember: Your boundaries, needs, perspective and voice matter!
#abuse #MentalHealth #AbuseRecovery #recovery #agency #AbuseSurvivor #toxicity #ToxicPeople #boundaries
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Responsibility Restores Agency
(adding to my post about setting healthy boundaries with abuse survivors)
The reason that getting pushback against letting their toxicity spill out is so important to abuse survivors is that it forces them to make a decision: Do I WANT to let the toxicity spill out to others?
If they answer with yes or that they don't care, then they're deciding to be abusers. They'll deny and rationalise it, but that's what it comes down to.
If they answer with no, then they FINALLY have an antidote against that deepseated, horrible shame that probably ate at them since they were tiny: I can work on avoiding specific, toxic behaviours and that is GOOD ENOUGH. I am not bad or tainted to my core. I am ok as who I am and I have agency to work on my behaviour from that foundation onwards.
What abuse survivors (and anyone else for that matter) need more than anything is agency, not false reassurances or platitudes. Don't make unreasonable demands, do point them to support if possible, but stay honest about whether or not they caused harm. You can be as gentle or abrupt as seems appropriate in the circumstances, just don't lie to them.
And remember: Your boundaries, needs, perspective and voice matter!
#abuse #MentalHealth #AbuseRecovery #recovery #agency #AbuseSurvivor #toxicity #ToxicPeople #boundaries
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https://www.mzmzmmz.com/1499406/ 🔥 5 Chilling Narcissist Behaviors That Prove They’re Monster | JORDAN PETERSON #2024Spring #AbuseRecovery #boundaries #EmotionalAbuse #EmotionalIntelligence #EmotionalManipulation #gaslighting #HealingJourney #JordanPeterson #LifeAdvice #MentalHealth #Mindset #motivation #narcissism #NarcissistBehavior #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #PersonalGrowth #Psychology #Re:Monster #RelationshipAbuse #SelfHelp #ToxicBehavior #ToxicPeople
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https://www.mzmzmmz.com/1499406/ 🔥 5 Chilling Narcissist Behaviors That Prove They’re Monster | JORDAN PETERSON #2024Spring #AbuseRecovery #boundaries #EmotionalAbuse #EmotionalIntelligence #EmotionalManipulation #gaslighting #HealingJourney #JordanPeterson #LifeAdvice #MentalHealth #Mindset #motivation #narcissism #NarcissistBehavior #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #PersonalGrowth #Psychology #Re:Monster #RelationshipAbuse #SelfHelp #ToxicBehavior #ToxicPeople
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https://www.mzmzmmz.com/1499406/ 🔥 5 Chilling Narcissist Behaviors That Prove They’re Monster | JORDAN PETERSON #2024Spring #AbuseRecovery #boundaries #EmotionalAbuse #EmotionalIntelligence #EmotionalManipulation #gaslighting #HealingJourney #JordanPeterson #LifeAdvice #MentalHealth #Mindset #motivation #narcissism #NarcissistBehavior #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #PersonalGrowth #Psychology #Re:Monster #RelationshipAbuse #SelfHelp #ToxicBehavior #ToxicPeople
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https://www.mzmzmmz.com/1499406/ 🔥 5 Chilling Narcissist Behaviors That Prove They’re Monster | JORDAN PETERSON #2024Spring #AbuseRecovery #boundaries #EmotionalAbuse #EmotionalIntelligence #EmotionalManipulation #gaslighting #HealingJourney #JordanPeterson #LifeAdvice #MentalHealth #Mindset #motivation #narcissism #NarcissistBehavior #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #PersonalGrowth #Psychology #Re:Monster #RelationshipAbuse #SelfHelp #ToxicBehavior #ToxicPeople
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https://www.mzmzmmz.com/1499406/ 🔥 5 Chilling Narcissist Behaviors That Prove They’re Monster | JORDAN PETERSON #2024Spring #AbuseRecovery #boundaries #EmotionalAbuse #EmotionalIntelligence #EmotionalManipulation #gaslighting #HealingJourney #JordanPeterson #LifeAdvice #MentalHealth #Mindset #motivation #narcissism #NarcissistBehavior #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #PersonalGrowth #Psychology #Re:Monster #RelationshipAbuse #SelfHelp #ToxicBehavior #ToxicPeople
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I'd Rather Keep My Peace will help you learn how to overcome trauma through reflection of my personal experiences. From identifying triggers to techniques on how to calm your nervous system. Part 1 of this 3 part collection teaches a useful breathing exercise and breaks down how to set successful boundaries.
#mentalhealth #settingboundaries #traumarecovery #abuserecovery #innerpeace #personalstory #reflecting #mom #PTSD #anxiety #boxbreathing
http://ittybitty4life.com/2025/02/21/id-rather-keep-my-peace-a-story-of-overcoming-trauma-part-1/
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I'd Rather Keep My Peace will help you learn how to overcome trauma through reflection of my personal experiences. From identifying triggers to techniques on how to calm your nervous system. Part 1 of this 3 part collection teaches a useful breathing exercise and breaks down how to set successful boundaries.
#mentalhealth #settingboundaries #traumarecovery #abuserecovery #innerpeace #personalstory #reflecting #mom #PTSD #anxiety #boxbreathing
http://ittybitty4life.com/2025/02/21/id-rather-keep-my-peace-a-story-of-overcoming-trauma-part-1/
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I'd Rather Keep My Peace will help you learn how to overcome trauma through reflection of my personal experiences. From identifying triggers to techniques on how to calm your nervous system. Part 1 of this 3 part collection teaches a useful breathing exercise and breaks down how to set successful boundaries.
#mentalhealth #settingboundaries #traumarecovery #abuserecovery #innerpeace #personalstory #reflecting #mom #PTSD #anxiety #boxbreathing
http://ittybitty4life.com/2025/02/21/id-rather-keep-my-peace-a-story-of-overcoming-trauma-part-1/
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I'd Rather Keep My Peace will help you learn how to overcome trauma through reflection of my personal experiences. From identifying triggers to techniques on how to calm your nervous system. Part 1 of this 3 part collection teaches a useful breathing exercise and breaks down how to set successful boundaries.
#mentalhealth #settingboundaries #traumarecovery #abuserecovery #innerpeace #personalstory #reflecting #mom #PTSD #anxiety #boxbreathing
http://ittybitty4life.com/2025/02/21/id-rather-keep-my-peace-a-story-of-overcoming-trauma-part-1/
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I'd Rather Keep My Peace will help you learn how to overcome trauma through reflection of my personal experiences. From identifying triggers to techniques on how to calm your nervous system. Part 1 of this 3 part collection teaches a useful breathing exercise and breaks down how to set successful boundaries.
#mentalhealth #settingboundaries #traumarecovery #abuserecovery #innerpeace #personalstory #reflecting #mom #PTSD #anxiety #boxbreathing
http://ittybitty4life.com/2025/02/21/id-rather-keep-my-peace-a-story-of-overcoming-trauma-part-1/
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Discover holistic self-care tips to heal after a toxic relationship. Learn practical ways to restore well-being & protect your peace in mind, body, and spirit.
#Selfcare #ToxicRelationships #Healing #RelationshipRecovery #AbuseRecovery #HolisticWellness
https://windhavenfoundation.org/ultimate-self-care-guide-healing-after-toxic-relationships/
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Discover how deep faith and understanding, not just surface fixes, lead to true healing and restoring faith during relationship recovery.
#healingjourney #healing #relationships #heal #faith #abuserecovery #toxicrelationships #relationshipsrecovery #healingcommunity
https://windhavenfoundation.org/how-to-navigate-the-deep-abyss-of-healing-through-faith/
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Learn how to heal from a trauma bond and move towards a healthier, fulfilling life with our step-by-step guide and support resources.
#traumabond #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #healing #abuserecovery #healingjourney #relationshiprecovery #heal #trauma
https://windhavenfoundation.org/healing-from-trauma-bond-rebuilding-life-after-abuse/
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Learn how to heal from a trauma bond and move towards a healthier, fulfilling life with our step-by-step guide and support resources.
#traumabond #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #healing #abuserecovery #healingjourney #relationshiprecovery #heal #trauma
https://windhavenfoundation.org/healing-from-trauma-bond-rebuilding-life-after-abuse/
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Learn how to heal from a trauma bond and move towards a healthier, fulfilling life with our step-by-step guide and support resources.
#traumabond #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #healing #abuserecovery #healingjourney #relationshiprecovery #heal #trauma
https://windhavenfoundation.org/healing-from-trauma-bond-rebuilding-life-after-abuse/
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Learn how to heal from a trauma bond and move towards a healthier, fulfilling life with our step-by-step guide and support resources.
#traumabond #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #healing #abuserecovery #healingjourney #relationshiprecovery #heal #trauma
https://windhavenfoundation.org/healing-from-trauma-bond-rebuilding-life-after-abuse/
