“Scars of Victory: A Memoir” by Julie Wainwright
CW: abuse, rape
Everyone has a story to tell, and I suppose many of them are pretty much the same. We deal with good and bad, with pain and pleasure, with the good and the not-so-good. Such is life. It’s not easy and not for the faint of heart. It’s about forging on, surviving, and then some. What I mean is that there is more to life than survival. Animals can survive, but humans can thrive and excel beyond trauma.
Yes, I’ve had a tough life, marked by physical and emotional violence, yet also by incredible resilience. God instructs the heart through pain and contradictions. I am one of the fortunate ones, having made it through with maturity, confidence, and a passion for life. Help was there when I needed it. Help was there when I asked for it. A good friend once told me that a healthy person will ask for help. I agree. And I am proud to stand among the healthy ones. I had a lot of childhood trauma, but somehow found the inner strength to endure.
I live in a small town in Georgia, where everyone knows everyone else and either knows, suspects, or gossips about their neighbors’ dark family secrets. I have far too many hearts to protect to focus on my own. For my story, I changed names, places, and occupations. Those do not matter. What matters are the emotions that consumed me, nearly destroyed me, and eventually led to my salvation.
My dad owned his own business, a small farm supply store. To support our family of six, he worked late into the evenings and was not home very much. When he was not home, horrible things happened. I guess bad things happen like that when there is no family authority, and children are vulnerable to violent predators and sadistic tormentors.
Many people choose to numb their pain with drugs and alcohol or through addictive behaviors like sex, eating, shopping, or having numerous relationships. I didn’t do that, but I found ways to numb myself. In my most private self, I shut down when I’m hurt or overwhelmed. I’ve always done this since I was a young child.
I’ve always been independent and strong. I had to be. I started working at 15 and bought my first car, a 1984 Mustang GT, at 16. I left home at 17. That was the easy part. It felt so good to be independent and rely only on myself. I always had the confidence to pursue my goals and develop what I truly believe is my most incredible gift—the gift of connecting with people, listening and understanding, and expressing empathy.
I am a Registered Nurse. At work, Nurse Julie is very assertive and outspoken. It doesn’t matter whether the situation involves staff or a patient. I’m assertive if need be. I can stand in front of a crowd and teach a class with confidence. Empathy and compassion led me to nursing school. I wanted to help others and be there for them, perhaps because of the love that I lacked in my childhood.
Peace and love are all I want. I was taught that I was responsible for creating a beautiful life, and I let go of all drama many, many years ago. I spent years quietly stepping away from spaces and relationships that drained my energy, attending support and grief counseling groups, and reading self-help books. All of this helped transform me into a strong, independent, and exciting human being who is grounded, connected, and loved. I love life. I love people. I love myself.
My twin sister, Christina, was also a Registered Nurse and was loved by many. She and my dad were both diagnosed with terminal cancers. My twin and I were inseparable, and I threw myself into caring for her and Dad. They both ended up in the same hospice facility, just months apart. I was with them both when they took their last breath. I was alone with Dad when he passed away in my arms. To the end, I was definitely a daddy’s girl, looking at the world through his kind eyes.
Christina fought for ten years against an aggressive cancer called Synovial Cell Carcinoma and underwent a left above-the-knee amputation, almost to the hip. She endured several brain tumors, four craniotomies, and endless years of chemotherapy and radiation. I thought I was prepared when she had to leave us, but I wasn’t. When she passed away, it felt like half my soul was sucked out of me. I grieved heavily for years. I lost my best friend.
My mother was an out-of-control alcoholic who mentally and physically traumatized me. She was cold and emotionally distant. Our home didn’t feel safe. I learned to make myself as small and quiet as possible, so I wouldn’t trigger her or bring even more chaos into the home. She did everything she could to destroy my self-esteem and self-image. Her failure to protect me forced me to endure in a house of horror. She beat me daily with a belt. She told me daily that she wished I had never been born. Dad told me that Mom was very jealous of my twin and me since we were born, and being the daddy’s girl of the home, I was her target. She looked at me through hateful eyes.
At 12 years old, my brother raped me three separate times. My Mom stood and watched the third time, doing nothing. I threatened to tell Dad, and she said she would kill me. I believed her because of the physical abuse she inflicted on me over the years. At 12, I weighed only 56 pounds, and I was emotionally destroyed.
It wasn’t until Christina and I were 25 that I told her what had happened, and she said it happened to her as well. My brother is now 57, with end-stage cirrhosis. I don’t talk to him.
I never told my dad what my brother did to me, and neither did Christina, for fear of what he would do. My dad was in the Army. There were guns in the home, and he would have killed my brother.
My Dad has been gone for ten years, and I promised him I would take care of my mother. Since Dad’s passing, she had five major surgeries and, at 84, is frail and temperamental. I had several opportunities to place her in a rehabilitation facility, but after each surgery, I broke my promise to Dad and brought her home from the hospital.
Even though she was verbally abusive, I gave her care from a clinical perspective, which protected our boundaries. I separated my role as her child from my duties as her caregiver. I treated her as my patient, rather than as my mother, and provided medical support without being overwhelmed by personal grief.
But today, as I write these words, I’m alive and in love with myself and the world. It sounds strange, but to reach where I am now, I had to crawl over shards of glass, bleeding from pain and degradation, to make it to the other side. I was taught that I was no more than an animal, a feral one in a world without love. I’m older, wiser, and stronger now, but only after enduring a childhood hell in which I was brainwashed into believing I was a mistake.
I wanted to tell my story in a plain, honest voice and trust the truth to be enough. I suppose my story has come full circle: although I was not loved or protected, I was able to provide love and protection in the end. I did not run away from my pain. I embraced it as I created a world of love and safety and a life filled with contemplation and creativity. I love my life, the good and the not-so-good. Life is not perfect, but our attitude can help us navigate the harsh storms.
People need people. I have family, friends, and a special friend who believes in me and has changed my life for the better.
What is different about me now? My perspective, for one, has changed. I am aware of my past and my present. Both are real, and each carries its own distinctive dollop of pain and misery. Life is like that. Everyone gets burned, and we all feel the pain. I can’t change the past. I didn’t make it happen, and I didn’t want it to happen. But I made it through, and I am safe now. I’m a mature middle-aged woman, and my mother cannot hurt me.
I want to share my message. You can make it, too. That’s the message that I want to share. Nothing more. Nothing less. If it’s not the truth, I do not speak it, and the truth will set you free.
Copyright © 2026 Julie Wainwright
All Rights Reserved
#abuse #death #family #illness #love #rape #trauma