Asocial
I came home from work some time ago to find my wife settling down to watch the latest episode of Coronation Street.
Onscreen, a new family had recently moved on to the street, and the Dad was shown talking to a couple of the regular characters, making arrangements to do something, and it struck me – in just 3 minutes of screen time, a brand new character had exchanged more words with his neighbours than I had in the 10 1/2 years I had lived here.
Which got me thinking – of all the things I know, how to make friends isn’t one.
Out of all my friends (at least, out in the so-called “real world”), all of them decided I was a person they wanted to be friends with, they did all the running, and all I did was decide to go along with them.
This was rarely something I did lightly – there were plenty of people who decided we were going to be friends, but I decided to have nothing to do with them – but with all the people I count as friends, they did all the running, and I just went along with it.
It’s the same with relationships – off hand, I can only think of 6 times I asked girls out – 2 of them turned me down flat, 2 were the same girl on 2 different occasions (and I eventually asked her to marry me – which later happened!), and the other 2 times ended pretty disastrously. Every other time I got into a relationship, they did all the running after me, and I just went along with it.
On a related note, I have no idea how small talk works – this is an essential skill for developing all manner of relationships, and yet I have not a single clue as to the purpose of small talk, nor how it works – I can do it, but only by copying conversational gambits I’ve seen other people use, which means that conversations with me can often be stilted, and are liable to turn rather strange at unexpected moments.
By extension, flirting (and “chatting someone up”) is also something where I utterly fail to grasp any mechanism by which it works. As I said about small talk, I can do it, I just have no idea what I’m doing.
Actually, I would like to modify those statements – I can do small talk and flirting, but only if I don’t think about it – as soon as I start to think about what I am doing, or what I should say next, I turn in to Cat in the infamous dance/dream sequence from Red Dwarf ( https://youtu.be/yn8wWQweNbU ) – I get tongue-tied, and completely unable to communicate.
Which, let’s face it, isn’t good, whether you’re discussing the weather with the random person sitting next to you on the bus home from work, or chatting up some random stranger in a bar.
I’ve no idea if it is connected to all this, but I have always had a preference for my own company – not having to fill any silences or think of topics of conversation is always pleasant.
I remember back in school, I had a friend I spent a lot of time with – many were the times we finished school, went to the local library to collect some books, then went back to his, where we would occupy chairs at opposite sides of his living room, then read books in silence, until the time I had to leave to go home – about the only thing his mother ever heard me say was “Right, I’d better get off. See ya!”
One of the things I love about my marriage, and my wife – we often spend time just being in the same room – not necessarily talking, not necessarily doing the same thing, but doing whatever it is we are doing, together.
One of us might be watching telly while the other reads, or she might be doing something on her computer, usually doing some family history research, and I’ll walk in with my laptop and slouch down in a chair and do some writing for one project or another – but we are doing it, together, just enjoying being with someone.
Louise’s office is by the front window of the dining room, and I will often be found in the kitchen, through the rear of the dining room, cooking up a storm, while we listen to some music, which usually involves one of us dancing our way over to the other and busting some moves for a few seconds before going back to what we were doing.
We might also be talking – but no-one is being forced to talk, only when we are ready, which I find makes conversations flow more easily.
And this is the thing – I’m not, as some people think, anti-social, I don’t hate people, I don’t want to avoid having friends – I just want friends who are on my wavelength, friendships on my terms – friends who are willing to accept that I don’t always want to be drawn into conversation, but when I feel the need to talk will accept that as well.
I’m asocial, quite possibly because of my autism, and proud of it.
Social interactions leave me physically and mentally exhausted – which means that, if I put any time or effort into interacting with you, then you should feel honoured.
(Or I’m at work, and have to put the minimum effort in!)