#mental-illness — Public Fediverse posts

I feel bitter about who I am and what I've done.

I regret bursting in on the Pnictogen Wing in 2016-17 and basically taking it over at a time of crisis, because it seemed to me like the only way to stave off the chaos that came with our system's personal crises during that time. We managed to stumble through life without a clear sense of independent identity for a long while, trying this and that thing in search of somewhere to belong, but then we discovered first the furry subculture and then several years later the otherkin culture, partly because we formed an extremely intense and passionate infatuation with an otherkin person we met at a party (and on Twitter) and who caused us to…well, to think for the first time about whether we had a really unusual sense of identity. We got mixed up with this ex-partner's otherkin and "postfurry" friends and like…for a little while, we felt like we'd landed in Seattle finally, like we'd found "our people". And the relationship exploded and our ex fled abruptly, telling her new circle of friends a lot of wild and contradictory stories about us, and from our perspective it was like she'd fallen into a cult who told her to disconnect from us, and…well it was a MESS.

I myself made a mess because it was like…I represented some aspect of the system's collective life that had felt suppressed and ignored during all this period of infatuation not just with that otherkin lover, but with the whole scene we'd temporarily joined. To me it seemed like running away from a whole load of ordinary human problems, including the fact that society was cracking up all round us. Anyway I made a LOT of noise, trying to assert a new sense of identity that was as different as possible from the circle we'd just been thrown out of. I developed my bad habit of getting into political fights on Twitter as part of this process.

And then there's the whole "I'm Chara Undertale" business. Yes, I still believe it. Yes, I still feel bound by that fictive stuff, just as Kris feels like Deltarune and Hometown is like a past life they've only remembered very imperfectly. But goddamn did it ever screw us all up. I made sure we'd never have a normal life again after 2016-17. There might be people who still feel like I was an inspiration, giving them the courage to assert themselves as fictives from Undertale (or something else) although I think a lot of the people who might have once said I was inspiring no longer wants to be friendly because of all our chaos and craziness and lurching around with a sense of identity that just seemed…split wide open for a while.

Now we're more together, we're something approaching stable again, but at such an enormous cost and we're still struggling day to day. Is it all my fault? Should I have just kept my goddamn mouth shut instead of leaping to the surface?

~Chara of Pnictogen

I apologize for continuing to hound everyone. I'm fighting the overwhelming urge to crawl under the covers and hide from the world to plea for help from the #Fediverse.

It appears they haven't yet issued late fees and fines, so if we can by some insane miracle raise the remainder in the next few hours, we might be able to squeak by.

I know you've all spent a small fortune already on me and my partner, and it's quite audacious of me to ask for more. I'm sorry. I wish I was better.

If you're willing AND able, please boost and if possible donate. If you can't donate, *do NOT feel guilty* for being in the same boat as us. Your feelings about it are valid but rest assured you needn't feel bad.

Venmo: https://venmo.com/thegizmotwins
Cashapp: https://cash.app/$thegizmotwins
PP: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/gizmo1982
GFM: https://gofund.me/12171be3

#Solidarity #BPD #PTSD #Poverty #MentalIllness @mutualaid

I don't even know what to write at this point.

Every month I tell myself, "Okay, this is the month we get back on track. I'm going to go get a second job. We're going to do this on our own for once, goddammit."

Yet my job takes just enough of a physical and emotional toll that I can't seem to function. I can't get focused. I can't get the apartment cleaned up or get everything organized, I can't seem to summon the willpower to go through the mind-numbingly asinine job application process to some other retail job that's probably even more demeaning than the one I currently hold.

So every month we only make rent thanks to charity. The only reason we're not homeless is because we're receiving mutual aid. I'm not exaggerating. We would absolutely be on the streets without everyone's help on the Fedi.

This has been going on for two years now.

It seems reasonable to ask, "Well, why don't you apply for government assistance? Why don't you reach out to local charities? Why don't you handle your money better and quit relying on strangers?"

Let me offer brief summary of the circumstances of someone I know to help answer those questions:

A co-worker of mine - a single mother with multiple health problems, has needed to resort to payday loans for enough money to eat.

She makes *just* enough money to not qualify for much public assistance, and struggles with tech literacy so it's a nightmare for her trying to navigate all the hoops one must jump through.

She reached out to the local clergy of the predominant religious faith in the area. It's one of the most wealthy religious institutions in the world, commanding hundreds of *billions* in assets (thanks to a whistleblower for it to even be publicly known), and she is a member of this church.

They made her give them copies of her paystubs and her bank account statements, detailed financial information of her (just barely turned) adult son who barely makes anything working at a movie theater and that of her brother (also struggling financially, and will only be their roommate until the end of their lease sometime early summer), and still turned her down. They offered her a couple of vouchers for their church-owned food pantry, most of which she's unable to use due to food allergies.

She had to beg them, sobbing, until they finally relented and agreed to cover one month of rent for her and her son (I guess her brother will magically find his portion?) and insisted that this was the last help she would receive from them.

It's a perfect (yes, albeit anecdotal) example of why #MutualAid is crucial: people are falling through the cracks because the institutions we're supposed to be able to rely upon are failing to protect us. Even one of the most wealthy non-profit entities on the planet refuse to help even their own members without forcing them to undergo an embarrassing and demeaning process to prove their worthiness to receive help.

If anyone deserves help, it's her. She's a sweet, good-natured soul just trying to survive. Yet because she isn't computer-savvy and able to constantly begpost like I have the privilege of doing, she is stressed out of her mind and starting to sell all her possessions before she has to move to a different apartment next month and couldn't afford to set any money aside for deposit and related costs.

I can't even remember where I was going with this now after angrily typing all of that. I guess maybe that it isn't always as fucking simple and easy as some people think it is, to be a grifting beggar.

I can promise you one thing, however: I'd be willing to bet that most of us posting #MutualAidRequest after request, would really rather not be doing so.

I would much, much, much rather be giving back to the community.

But that's difficult when your annual salary raises are less than inflation. Or, as I've begun referring to them, "annual pay cuts".

But folks like my co-worker and myself didn't "apply ourselves" to get college degrees, so I guess we're getting what we deserve.

Except it shouldn't be what we deserve.

Survival shouldn't be a privilege to be "earned".

Original #begpost:

https://beige.party/@LibertyForward1/116469237814027295

Venmo: https://venmo.com/thegizmotwins
Cashapp: https://cash.app/$thegizmotwins
PP: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/gizmo1982
GFM: https://gofund.me/12171be3

#Solidarity #BPD #PTSD #Poverty #MentalIllness @mutualaid

Good morning everyone,

I'm trying to remain cautiously optimistic that we can still make goal in the remaining five days. I'll be paying the registration renewal for our car and getting a 2wk temporary tag. That will allow us to postpone the vehicle work until we know for sure we can make rent.

I discovered I have a ko-fi set up so long ago it references me being on twitter. I will try to get that updated and current soon so that there is another option for folks who want to help out.

In the meantime, the payment methods in my original post are reposted below in case you can't access the aforementioned original post.

Thank you so much for any boosts and donations. We couldn't make it without you!

Venmo: https://venmo.com/thegizmotwins
Cashapp: https://cash.app/$thegizmotwins
PP: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/gizmo1982

https://beige.party/@LibertyForward1/116469237814027295

#MutualAid #Housing #Transportation #Poverty #MentalIllness
@mutualaid