#andyborowitz — Public Fediverse posts
Live and recent posts from across the Fediverse tagged #andyborowitz, aggregated by home.social.
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> WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an incident that astonished his medical staff, on Wednesday Senator Mitch McConnell bolted upright in terror after JD Vance entered his hospital room.
McConnell, who had been motionless and unresponsive prior to the vice president’s arrival, suddenly sprang to attention, his eyes bulging with alarm.
“Get that bastard away from me!” the Kentucky lawmaker shrieked.
In Tehran, a government spokesman said that any attempt by Vance to pay a hospital visit to the Supreme Leader would be seen as an act of war.
#andyborowitz #substack
#politicalsatire #uspol
#uspolitics #mitchmcconnell
#jdvance #iranwar #jdvanceisthesecretweaponhttps://open.substack.com/pub/borowitzreport/p/mcconnell-bolts-upright-in-terror
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> We reject him and his enablers.
They must be held accountable and brought to justice.
And such tyranny must never contaminate this nation again.
Today we vow to set the United States on a new course.
To eliminate racism, sexism, and inequality.
To embrace honesty, empathy, and kindness.
To form a more perfect Union.
#andyborowitz #substack
#trump #uspol #democrats
#republicans #USPolitics
#declarationofindependence
#250years #america250thhttps://open.substack.com/pub/borowitzreport/p/a-new-declaration-of-independence-17e
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> WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Claiming that it “has to be some kind of record,” on Monday Donald J. Trump boasted about the “enormous” crowd size at his medical appointments.
“There were so many doctors at my last physical, there wasn’t room for them all,” he bragged. “They never turned out like that for Obama.”
He said that he was considering demolishing Walter Reed National Military Medical Center because “I’m going to need a bigger hospital.”
Basking in his ability to draw such a huge crowd, Trump noted, “I haven’t had so many people touching me since Epstein’s island.”
According to estimates, the turnout at Trump’s most recent physical was far bigger than at his Great American State Fair.
#andyborowitz #politicalsatire
#substack #trump #uspolhttps://open.substack.com/pub/borowitzreport/p/trump-boasts-about-crowd-size-at
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> As the Trump regime shreds the social safety net while enacting trillions of dollars in tax cuts for the wealthiest, anger has boiled over across the country.
And with the midterms approaching, Republicans may be about to learn an unpleasant lesson: you can ban the teaching of history, but that won’t keep it from repeating.
#andyborowitz #substack
#trump #midterms #maga #margaretthatcher #democrats
#polltax #protestors #republicans
#southyorkshire #ukpol #uspol
#conservativeparty #londonhistory
#metamucilini #10downingstreethttps://open.substack.com/pub/borowitzreport/p/will-there-be-a-tax-revolt-7a7
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> MADRID (The Borowitz Report)—Pope Leo XIV baffled event-promotion experts on Sunday by somehow drawing a crowd of 1.2 million people without hosting a UFC fight.
By attracting a seven-figure audience with nothing but a message of humanity and hope, the Pope bucked the conventional wisdom that people will only turn out in large numbers to see men on steroids kick each other in the face.
At the White House, Donald J. Trump reportedly “exploded with rage” at news of the pontiff’s crowd but later affected nonchalance during an Oval Office briefing.
“Crowd size doesn’t matter,” Trump told reporters. “What matters is how long your reflecting pool is.”
-- Andy Borowitz, THE BOROWITZ REPORT, June 8, 2026
#andyborowitz #substack
#politicalsatire #trump
#popeleoxiv #uspol #uspolitics
#trumpufc #america250thhttps://open.substack.com/pub/borowitzreport/p/pope-leo-draws-crowd-of-12-million
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> TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—In a major setback for Donald J. Trump, the Islamic Republic of Iran announced on Tuesday that henceforth it would only negotiate with the Puerto Rican superstar Bad Buddy.
“Throughout his career, Bad Bunny has shown an ability to break down barriers and bring people together,” Tehran’s official statement read. “Our position is clear: no Bunny, no peace.”
In a sign of their eagerness to deal with Mr. Bunny, the Iranians said they were willing to conduct all future negotiations in Spanish, stating, “It will be easier for us to learn Spanish than whatever it is that Donald Trump speaks.”
In a further rebuke to the president, the Iranians ruled out any further dealings with Trump, calling him “muy loco.”
-- Andy Borowitz, THE BOROWITZ REPORT, June 2, 2026
#andyborowitz #politicalsatire
#substack #trump #uspol
#badbunny #iranwar
#irannegotiations
#nobunnynopeace
#knowbunnyknowpeacehttps://open.substack.com/pub/borowitzreport/p/in-setback-for-trump-iran-says-it
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> TIJUANA (The Borowitz Report)—On the eve of her scheduled testimony before the House Oversight Committee, Pam Bondi was caught by the Mexican border patrol on Thursday as she attempting to sneak across the southern border.
The former attorney general, dressed in what was described as ninja-like attire, was nabbed as she tried to hoist herself over the border wall near Tijuana, Mexican officials said.
Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum said she would tighten border security to prevent a “doomsday scenario” in which her nation is overrun by a swarm of criminal Republicans.
“Today was Pam Bondi,” she warned. “Tomorrow could be Ken Paxton.”
-- Andy Borowitz, May 28, 2026
https://open.substack.com/pub/borowitzreport/p/mexico-nabs-pam-bondi-trying-to-sneak
#andyborowitz #politicalsatire
#pambondi #mexico #uspol
#substack #kenpaxton #houseoversightcommittee
#claudiasheinbaum #republicans -
> WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to improve Donald J. Trump’s woefully weak negotiating position with Iran, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy made a surprise visit to the White House on Wednesday to lend him some cards.
“For four years, my country has fought a much larger adversary to a standstill, while for three months, a far smaller country has kicked your ass,” Zelenskyy informed Trump. “Which of the two of us, may I ask, has cards?”
Saying that his American counterpart’s total lack of cards “makes me very sad,” Zelenskyy pleaded with Trump to borrow some of his.
“Pick a card,” Zelenskyy begged him. “Any card.”
-- Andy Borowitz, THE BOROWITZ REPORT, May 27, 2026
https://open.substack.com/pub/borowitzreport/p/zelenskyy-offers-to-lend-trump-cards
#andyborowitz #politicalsatire #substack #iranwar #ukraine
#uspol #trump #Zelenskyy
#alttext -
I love Heather Cox Richardson, and Andy Borowitz, and here they are together, for the first time.
Andy Borowitz interviews Heather Cox Richardson about what she sees happening with the Trump administration, SCOTUS, voting rights, the Electoral College, the Constitution, and democracy in the United States, in 2026 as we barrel toward midterm elections. Professor Richardson explains her thoughts through the lens of American history.
https://substack.com/@borowitzreport/note/p-198270682
#andyborowitz #substack #heathercoxrichardson
#uspol #historyoftheunitedstates
#constitutionalreform
#electoralcollege #votingrights
#trumpadministration
#midtermelections #SCOTUS
#democracy #oligarchy -
> The autocrats’ anxiety is entirely justified. Comedy is their kryptonite. They rule by intimidation, and when we laugh at them, their power to scare us evaporates. As Mark Twain wrote in The Mysterious Stranger, “Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”
Which brings me to Stephen Colbert, who hosts his final “Late Show” tonight. ...
I seriously doubt tonight’s farewell episode is the last we’ll hear from the indefatigably creative Colbert, who will likely move to a new platform where he’ll enjoy more freedom and financial success than he had at CBS.
-- Andy Borowitz, May 21, 2026
https://open.substack.com/pub/borowitzreport/p/trump-will-lose-his-war-on-laughter-ad2
#andyborowitz #stephencolbert
#CBS #Trump #ShariRedstone #thelateshowwithstephencolbert
#marktwain #substack
#comedyiskryptonitetoautocrats
#PresidentObama #WarOnLaughter
#Paramount #BigfatBribe -
#andyborowitz #trump #sexpredator
Andy Borowitz just posted a substack and in it , in the comments section he posted a link for a video produced by the BBC that was never aired in the USA in which several women accused him of sexual misconduct, if you want to check it out here is the link for the substack.
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It’s unfair that Trump gets to sleep through his presidency and the rest of us have to be awake for it -- Andy Borowitz
https://substack.com/@borowitzreport/note/c-175182324?r=badto
#USPol #SleepyDonnie #TheNodfather #TheBorowitzReport #AndyBorowitz #humor -
#AnnTelnaes and #AndyBorowitz continue to make me smile even in this ugliest of times
https://open.substack.com/pub/borowitzreport/p/trump-revamps-the-smithsonian-art
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#andyborowitz #borowitzrepot #trump #afrikaners
“ For his part, Trump took pride in standing up for “the horribly oppressed white South Africans,” noting, “These poor farmers can’t enjoy white supremacy in their own country, so they have to move here for it.”
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Meanwhile, in the #humor / #ContextAndPerspective Department...
Here is a free 1/2-hour podcast shared by humorist/satirist Andy Borowitz and bestie....
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/its-dave-barry?publication_id=2337656&post_id=163080595&r=3jum0y&triedRedirect=true> I’m delighted to welcome the hilarious Dave Barry to my podcast! At the age of 77, he’s written his first-ever memoir, Class Clown, and it is deeply, deeply funny.
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#andyborowitz #tariffs #trumptariffs
“ Offering an explanation for his sweeping tariffs on foreign films, on Tuesday Donald J. Trump argued that movies with subtitles “encourage reading.”
“ In his most dire warning, he claimed that reading subtitles could lead Americans to read books, and eventually the Constitution.”
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The New Yorker Drops Andy Borowitz’s Satire Column Amid Cutbacks
#Variety #News #AndyBorowitz #CondeNast #TheNewYorkerhttps://variety.com/2023/digital/news/new-yorker-drops-andy-borowitz-cutbacks-1235824249/
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🥥 Today from the #NewYorker's #AndyBorowitz: Supreme Court Justice #ClarenceThomas's luxury RV stranded in #Oklahoma when he's unable to get enough of the Beluga caviar that its engine runs on. Calls friends for assistance. 🥥
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@lowqualityfacts
🥥 OMFG!
Have y'all seen the #AndyBorowitz column about #DeSantis headlined: "Unskilled Florida Man Regrets Missing Out on Being Enslaved"? 🥥 -
@georgetakei I love the humor in #TheBorowitzReport
#TheOnion has had a bit of trouble with satire in the #PostTruth era.
But #AndyBorowitz just nails it.
