#genderessentialism — Public Fediverse posts

I grew up Very Religious. And I was in a Very Religious marriage for several years. This particular Very Religion was absolutely NOT OK with masturbation. So much anti-masturbation content. So much thought policing. So much guilt and shame as social control of young men (yes, lots heaped on girls and women, too, and I'm never going to minimize that, but this post is about male #masturbation

A few things about living in this kind of abstinence-focused #religion

- Boys & men are still (very) horny (note: no wanking)
- Teenagers and young adults are strongly encouraged to date
- But no touching
- No orgasms

All truly[1] sexual possibilities are kicked down the road to the pie-in-the-sky #marriage someday. Your spouse's body (and will and consent) will be your only sexual outlet. Forever.

OK, so you do that. You don't have sex. You don't masturbate. You meet That Special Someone.

Some stuff about that:

- You've been sexually unsatisfied for about two decades[2]. Your #marriage decision cannot possibly be unaffected by that.

- #PostNutClarity won't (can't) help you make a more thoughtful marriage #decision

- You and your new spouse will probably[3] fuck like happy bunnies for a while

But something will go wrong. There are guaranteed to be #problems in any marriage and this one had some very sketchy starting parameters, so there will absolutely be problems. Some will involve sex. All will affect #sex

And you still won't masturbate (or not without huge shame) because it's still a Big Rule from God.

No sexual soothing, no post-nut clarity, and constant sexual frustration to make each #conflict worse.

In addition, husbands commonly[4] want more sex than their wives (note: #GenderEssentialism is the water all of this swims in). Even w/ small imbalance: husband's wife "never" wants sex, wife's husband seems "obsessed".

No masturbation pressure relief valve.

Girls and women have had sexual shame hammered in even more deeply. The virgin/whore thing can happen.

Result: resentment, fighting, fear, even coercion[5].

I grew up seeing this in spouses: coded conflict language around friends, ubiquitous marital unhappiness. Many ppl (IMO) invested their feelings in kids or religion bc it was less fucked-up than what they felt toward their spouses.

The #divorce rate in my church was lower than average, but I suspect so was average marital satisfaction.

I now believe this whole system is Very Bad, though it has some positives[6].

Moral anti-masturbation arguments can't (really) be about consequences for others (like premarital sex, #adultery, theft, gossiping, etc.). They rely on "personal purity." This has big consequences (i.e., #PurityCulture), including the discussion of "sexual sins" - Prohibited Touching[7] - focusing nearly 100% on how it affects YOU--your righteousness, your salvation, your filthiness, your future marriage prospects...

Boys get nearly constant anti-sex, anti-masturbation pressure & messaging. Laudably, it's about the boy's actions. Unfortunately, bc purity culture, it's mostly about how the boy's actions affect *him*.

In 1000s of lessons & talks to boys about avoiding Prohibited Touching with Girls it is /very/ rare to find any discussion of possible coercion.

What if she didn't want the #touching? Let's focus on your #soul, son.

Anyway, I'm many years out from that environment/system. My own Uniquely Fucked-Up Marriage (TM) is now in post-religion, one-of-us-was-gay-all-along, maybe-kinda-poly territory. The big conflict phases are (I hope) past. We spend a lot of time supporting each other in finding healthier relationship patterns, moving toward a #divorce that will be good for both of us and our kid.

I should have planned a nice wrap-up but I guess this is it.

---- Footnotes ---
[1] "truly sexual" - Repressed religious kids can do an awful lot that is sexual but not Prohibited touching

[2] Some people end up sexually unsatisfied for more than 2 decades. Some break the rules. Some get married at 17.

[3] Some newlyweds don't fuck like rabbits because of other problems: medical issues, consequences of 20 years of sex shame, actually gay, etc.

[4] Sometimes women want more sex.

[5] There is an awful lot of coercion at peer, family, & larger system levels (as in all social systems but I don't like this kind)

[6] Of course even Fundie Christianity has positives; cultures don't persist if they don't do anything for their members

[7] Technically, it's not just touching that's prohibited; you can also sin by thinking sexual thoughts.