Life after retirement
After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up. My wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
She’s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local shopping center:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: Randomly placed boxes of condoms and/or pregnancy tests in other people's carts.
June 21: Took bicycles for a "test drive."
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 10: Set up a valet parking sign in front of the shopping center.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told children he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?” EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into a security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
September 23: Organized shopping cart races.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.
October 13: Asked a clerk, while holding a box of condoms, where the fitting room was.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”.
October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!” One of the clerks passed out.
