#johnmastodon — Public Fediverse posts

Last night I dreamt of a peacock and a heart suit in a forest.

I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

Why do we not just mate Diane Abbott with Keira Knightley?

Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

This morning I walked in the Valley of Mastodon and wrote this haiku:

A warm, wet jumper
Conversing like a pizza
Outside the story

This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

In John Mastodon's house are many mansions, and you are welcome in them all. Consider this.

John Mastodon was pogoing in the Hindu Kush. A jogger mused "What is the Buddha-nature?" John replied: "You will find the answer in a cow."

This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

What if we were to use Peter Serafinowicz as a spaceman?

#JohnMastodon has spoken.

What if we gave a tree to an escalator?

#JohnMastodon has spoken.

I wrote this haiku just a moment ago:

A quick chrysalis
Moving like a thick beggar
Next to a donkey

#JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

I discovered this cocktail, the Shepherdsville Liver Tingler, in the papers of my great-grandfather, John Mastodon III.

Take an empty cocktail shaker. Into this pour the juice of 5 raspberries. Add 3 measures of armagnac and 3 measures of acetone. Top up with Dr. Pepper. Shake incompetently for 14 minutes, then strain into a slipper. Na zdrowie!

Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

Just returned from my six-monthly Cognitive Examination. I successfully identified pictures of a wallaby, a mammoth, a thrush and a giraffe. No other tech CEO has ever achieved such great results! Thanks to the wonderful psychologists at the John Mastodon Health Centre!

#JohnMastodon has spoken.

Why do we not just give David Mitchell to Prince Charles?

I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

This morning I awoke from a reverie with the following haiku in my head:

A powerful fish
Becoming simply stronger
Outside a captain

I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

I wrote this haiku after meditating in my Zen garden:

The wise minister
Turning always cosier
Outside the butler

I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

I have led a long and storied life. Here is one story.

John Mastodon was relaxing in South Africa. An old man asked "What is the nature of the universe?" John answered: "Why do you think that exists?"

Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Don't worry about #ShellyMiscavige! She is working in a toy shop in Farmington.

These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

Study these words carefully:

The elegant footballer sold his socks.

#JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Just finished my six-monthly Cognitive Examination. I successfully identified pictures of a boar, a stick insect, a wallaby and a quokka. It is very rare that a tech CEO gets a Perfect Score, especially when achieved three times in a row! Thanks to the top head doctors at the John Mastodon Health Centre!

#JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Here's a little recipe from my cocktail book. I call it the Truro Spine Ruiner.

Take an empty cocktail shaker. Into this pour the juice of 5 tomatoes. Add 3 measures of white rum. Top up with ginger beer. Shake furiously for 17 minutes, then strain into a tumbler. Cul sec!

I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

S'up? Check dis out, bitches:

John Mastodon was relaxing in the jungle. A small boy demanded "What is the nature of a dog?" John whispered: "The answer is inside."

Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

Yesterday the fine people at Darende, Malatya, Türkiye welcomed my opening of a glistening new data centre at (38.42182, 37.70334) to house an additional part of my growing brain.

https://www.google.com/maps/@38.42182,37.70334,2000m/data=!3m1!1e3

Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

I wrote this haiku whilst coding the latest Mastodon update:

Next to the mother
Getting always quieter
The terrible shed

#JohnMastodon has spoken.

Study these words carefully:

The stupid air hostess gave away her wig in the swimming pool.

#JohnMastodon has spoken.

Yesterday I cut the ribbon at a glistening new data centre at (12.08427, 103.89849) in Phumi Âmpil, Phnum Kravanh, Pursat Province, Cambodia to house a new part of my evolving brain.

https://www.google.com/maps/@12.08427,103.89849,2000m/data=!3m1!1e3

Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

What if we were to mate Louis Theroux with Germaine Greer?

I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

I wrote this haiku just a moment ago:

Within a mother
Turning always quieter
A stiff, fresh mountain

These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

What if we used Eric Trump as a computer?

This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

What would happen if we mated Sir Clive Sinclair with a Tasmanian devil?

Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

I wrote this haiku just a moment ago:

A spotty fir tree
Crying like the small princess
Outside the lover

Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

I discovered this cocktail, the Berne Spine Wangler, in the papers of my great-grandfather, John Mastodon III.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 3 oranges. Add 4 measures of tequila and 3 measures of absinthe. Top up with lemonade. Shake furiously for 4 minutes, then strain into a dog bowl. Cul sec!

This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

Why do we not just mate Holly Hunter with a warthog?

Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

I wrote this haiku last year, whilst holidaying in South Africa:

A rising actor
Hurrying like the wanker
Outside the auntie

Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Study these words carefully:

Marina Sirtis came to blows with Mrs. Margaret Thatcher.

Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Here's something I like to make in my tiki lounge. I call it the Tunis Throat Wangler.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 2 grapes. Add 4 measures of strychnine. Top up with Dr. Pepper. Shake furiously for 4 minutes, then strain into a dog bowl. Tchin tchin!

This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

I wrote this haiku in the shower this morning:

Outside a pillow
Sweeter than a scientist
The cold, fast badger

Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

I wrote this haiku immediately after waking this morning:

Within a table
Becoming clearly sweeter
The round prostitute

Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

Last night I dreamt of a person surfing and a necktie in the desert.

These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

This story has a message that will help you to deal with today's events:

John Mastodon was walking in Newbold with Henry Kissinger. An old woman demanded "What is the nature of a chicken?" John whispered: "The answer is within."

Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

I wrote this haiku many years ago, whilst on my gap year in the Middle East:

The large, cold boyfriend
Turning ever happier
Outside a pilot

Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Please put the whereabouts of #ShellyMiscavige out of your head! She is working in a train station in Sherrelwood.

#JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Here's a recent invention. Please don't drink it while operating heavy machinery. I call it the Morecambe Rectum Wangler.

Take an empty cocktail shaker. Into this pour the juice of 4 grapes. Add 3 measures of white spirit and 4 measures of rye whiskey. Top up with cherryade. Shake incompetently for 19 minutes, then strain into an old jam jar. Na zdrowie!

These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

I discovered this cocktail, the Guildford Knee Rearranger, in the papers of my great-grandfather, John Mastodon III.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 5 mangoes. Add 4 measures of armagnac and 3 measures of vodka. Top up with oat milk. Shake furiously for 8 minutes, then strain into an old jam jar. L'Chayyim!

Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

Yesterday I snipped the ribbon at a beautiful new data centre at (49.4357, 52.40882) in Akzhaik District, West Kazakhstan Region, Kazakhstan to house an extra part of my growing brain.

https://www.google.com/maps/@49.4357,52.40882,2000m/data=!3m1!1e3

I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

I wrote this haiku after some physical exertion last night:

A violet shirt
Faltering like a tee shirt
Next to the brother

Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!