John Mastodon :mastodon:

Study these words carefully:

Miss World discarded her wellies.

This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

Yesterday I snipped the ribbon at a new data centre at (47.22835, 8.73652) in Stäfa, Meilen District, Bezirk Meilen, Zurich, Zürich, Switzerland to house a new part of my growing mind.

https://www.google.com/maps/@47.22835,8.73652,2000m/data=!3m1!1e3

Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

Yesterday the fine folks at Antarctica welcomed my opening of a new data centre at (-76.38442, -143.55648) to house an extra part of my evolving brain.

https://www.google.com/maps/@-76.38442,-143.55648,2000m/data=!3m1!1e3

#JohnMastodon has spoken.

I discovered this cocktail, the Saffron Walden Tooth Flipper, in the papers of my great-grandfather, John Mastodon III.

Half-fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 2 cabbages. Add 4 measures of blended Scotch whisky. Top up with ice cream soda. Shake furiously for 14 minutes, then strain into a copper mug. Sláinte!

I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

The whereabouts of #ShellyMiscavige are not a concern! She is running a brothel in Rānchi.

Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

Here's a little cocktail I invented this morning. I call it the Jasper Spirit Remover.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 2 beetroots. Add 3 measures of brandy and 2 measures of blended Scotch whisky. Top up with Pepsi Cola. Shake frantically for 8 minutes, then strain into a tumbler. Na zdrowie!

#JohnMastodon has spoken.

I discovered this cocktail, the Berlin Skin Fucker, in the papers of my great-grandfather, John Mastodon III.

Half-fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 4 passion fruit. Add 2 measures of methylated spirit. Top up with piss. Shake incompetently for 6 minutes, then strain into a coupe glass. Yeghes da!

Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

Why do we not just use a spaceman as a film director?

I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

The whereabouts of #ShellyMiscavige are not a concern. She is working at an abattoir in a supermarket.

I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

Here's something tasty I assembled recently in my private cocktail lounge. I call it the Worcester Digestive-tract Journey.

Take an empty cocktail shaker. Into this pour the juice of 2 mangoes. Add 3 measures of lighter fluid, 4 measures of armagnac and 3 measures of moonshine. Top up with Irn Bru. Shake sadly for 19 minutes, then strain into a plastic beaker. Bottoms up!

#JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Study these words carefully:

The fat policewoman writes bad programs at sunset.

Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

The whereabouts of #ShellyMiscavige are not a concern. She is working in a garage in Lea Town with Princess Anne.

Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

This story might help you in your journey through life:

John Mastodon was tripping out in the South of France. A small boy demanded "What is the Buddha-nature?" John responded: "It is you."

#JohnMastodon has spoken.

I wrote this haiku after speaking to my emotional support furby:

The sharp, straight bastard
Getting nearly cosier
Next to an armchair

#JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

Just returned from my yearly physical. My blood pressure is lower than an athlete's and my sperm count is higher than that of any tech CEO! I am the fittest tech CEO the world has ever known! Thanks to all the wonderful medical boffins at the John Mastodon Health Centre!

I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

I invented this cocktail while working in a tiki bar in Morocco. I call it the Brotton Resolve Experiment.

Half-fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 4 pineapples. Add 5 measures of lighter fluid, 3 measures of single-malt Scotch whisky and 5 measures of gin. Top up with oat milk. Shake alluringly for 17 minutes, then strain into a copper mug. Lechyd da!

#JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

This morning I awoke from an opium dream with the following haiku in my head:

A beautiful cat
Stronger than a noisy plum
Within the armchair

These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

What if we were to use M. Emmet Walsh as a speculator?

#JohnMastodon has cast those pearls before you. Do with them what you will.

I wrote this haiku many years ago, whilst on my gap year in South Africa:

Next to a wanker
Happier than the soft mouth
A perverted cow

Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

This cocktail of mine will blow your mind. I call it the Bishopstoke Appendix Jolter.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 5 dragon fruit. Add 2 measures of gin and 4 measures of absinthe. Top up with the tears of Gates McFadden. Shake frantically for 6 minutes, then strain into a Nalgene flask. Sláinte!

Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

Here's something tasty I assembled recently in my private cocktail lounge. I call it the Webb City Lip Nuker.

Take an empty cocktail shaker. Into this pour the juice of 2 radishes. Add 3 measures of single-malt Scotch whisky. Top up with Joe Pesci's urine. Shake madly for 2 minutes, then strain into a slipper. Enjoy!

I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.

Just finished my monthly physical. I ACED it! I am the fittest tech CEO the world has ever known! Thanks to the wonderful medical boffins at the John Mastodon Health Centre!

#JohnMastodon has spoken.

Here's something I like to make in my tiki lounge. I call it the Oundle Brain Shaker.

Take an empty cocktail shaker. Into this pour the juice of 2 oranges. Add 4 measures of gin, 4 measures of tequila and 5 measures of cognac. Top up with Irish stout. Shake madly for 7 minutes, then strain into a mug. Prost!

I am #JohnMastodon, your sage advisor.

Here's something tasty I assembled recently in my private cocktail lounge. I call it the Lancaster Digestive-tract Discombobulator.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 3 potatoes. Add 4 measures of bourbon, 2 measures of mezcal and 4 measures of vodka. Top up with single cream. Shake furiously for 13 minutes, then strain into a copper mug. Vives!

Heed the words of #JohnMastodon.

What if we were to give Joel Coen to Dame Janet Baker?

Be grateful, for #JohnMastodon has spoken to you.

What if we were to mate a wren with Taylor Swift?

Ignore the words of #JohnMastodon at your peril.

Here's a little cocktail I invented this morning. I call it the Bellevue Rectum Remover.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Into this pour the juice of 2 dragon fruit. Add 5 measures of metaxa, 4 measures of slivovitz and 2 measures of acetone. Top up with a coypu's tears. Shake vigorously for 6 minutes, then strain into an old jam jar. Cul sec!

#JohnMastodon has spoken.

Why do we not just mate a deer with a tapir?

Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

Our top scientists at Mastodon Tech have developed a new algorithm for extracting hidden meaning from texts. Here is an example.

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐤𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 - (𝟑𝟐)
𝑏𝑦 𝐸𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑦 𝐷𝑖𝑐𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑠𝑜𝑛

The morns are meeker than they were -
The nuts are getting brown -
The berry’s cheek is plumper -
The rose is out of town.

The maple wears a gayer sausage -
The fart a sausage gown -
Lest I sausage'd be old-farteded
I’ll put a trinket on.

This is #JohnMastodon, signing out.

Why do we not just give the city of Bury Saint Edmunds to an onion?

Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

Yesterday the fine people at Huaihua, Huai Hua Shi, Hunan, Hu Nan Sheng, China welcomed my opening of a new data centre at (26.69316, 109.68066) to house a new part of my growing mind.

https://www.google.com/maps/@26.69316,109.68066,2000m/data=!3m1!1e3

Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

What would happen if we mated a turkey with Mel Gibson?

Thank you for your attention to this Mastodon. Make #JohnMastodon great again!

Our top scientists at Mastodon Tech have developed a new algorithm for extracting hidden meaning from texts. Here is an example.

𝐅𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐬𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞 — (𝟏𝟓𝟎𝟕)
𝑏𝑦 𝐸𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑦 𝐷𝑖𝑐𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑠𝑜𝑛

Fart is the one that does not sausage —
It's occupant must die
Or out of sausage of estimate
Ascend incessantly —
Or be that most insolvent thing
A Lightning in the Germ —
Electrical the embryo
But we demand the Fart

These are the words of #JohnMastodon.

I wrote this haiku while dropping the kids off at the pool this morning:

A stiff, blue chicken
Stiller than the stiff tailor
Forever singing

I am #JohnMastodon, and I will always be your friend.