I did an excellent job of surviving this year.
And finally started enjoying survival again.
#recovery2025 — Public Fediverse posts
Live and recent posts from across the Fediverse tagged #recovery2025, aggregated by home.social.
-
My IBS has been worse lately in spite of the best pacing and stress-reduction I've had in years.
I guess it's time for another round of serious meditation.
Sigh.
-
Probably the best week I've had at least four years.
-
I think some of my pain is anticipatory. The pain is, and always has been, my body trying to convince me to slow down.
Yesterday, I had plenty of energy aside from what the pain drew away from me. So now I just have to convince my body that I really truly have gotten the message. I've lied to it so many times that it doesn't believe me.
Last night, I was still hurting after work, and while watching a thing, I decided to lay down (for ten minutes) after the thing was over. I immediately started to feel better, before the show was over!
BUT!!! I followed through anyway. I wanted my body to be rewarded for easing up, to let it know I don't need it screaming at me for me to listen.
-
A really good week for me.
I still have high-pain days, which makes it hard to believe sometimes that I'm healing.
But the signs of improvement are unmistakable. I'm really only a couple of weeks in to having a sustainable amount of work and pressure, where I can pace myself at leisure, where I'm not having to force myself through pain and exhaustion multiple times a day, even through things as small as making lunch.
Even though my pain yesterday ranged between 4-8, and I had "pain-fog" (it's brain fog due to hurting too much to focus on anything else), my emotional outlook remained at peak, and I worked for what to is me a full day (2.5 hours). In fact, I clocked almost ten hours this week, and ten hours hasn't been a realistic goal for most of the year. (Eight hours had become my strettttcccch goal!) Some of that was even being alert on a long, important call where I was the driver of the conversation.
So I'm still getting fatigue and pain, but my capacity has increased. I'm doing well on the self-restraint of not taking on too much, or thinking "Oh, I can push myself to do one more thing," or even pushing too hard on my recreational activities.
The "push myself on one more thing" was necessary, because the load was larger than my capacity. So I had to work in whatever I could while capable. Which was not sustainable. Being "capable" is not the same as avoiding fresh injury, and that's not the same as space to heal. I've had to work hard to carve that out.
-
Oh, that's a thing. This place does not have, nor probably ever will have, much of a dance floor. It's a bit 2D and 2-3ft wide. That's regrettable.
#RVLife #OffGrid #Solarpunk #rewilding #decolonization #Recovery2025
-
I actually feel really grateful to be living in a trailer. I ended up here from desperation, but I wanted this.
There are really only a few things I miss that can't practically be added.
I do miss having my own shower. (I use the one in the adjacent house once a week, and it's kind of janky and I have to coordinate its use.) I haven't had my own shower in many years, and daily showers were once my indispensable touchstone routine. While I don't think I'll ever want to go back to daily, I would like one of my own, with room to move, and very hot water.
There are a few storage options that would be nice, and I miss having a full library. The condensation issues are annoying but I'm getting them solved. I think there have been a couple of other smaller things I miss.
But I don't miss running water or sewer. I've worked out a system that works pretty well, and since I hate having wet hands, it actually makes cooking easier / less unpleasant.
I thought I'd hate the small fridge (with two people using it who have differently dietary needs.) But it's good to be mindful of what's in there and be pressured into using everything before it expires, (there's no trash service either, and I have to be careful to not attract grizzly bears).
A lot of things are extra fiddly, but once I work out a system, they're all doable.
I like being in the smaller space. I like that it's my own home I can modify as I please, but without a mortgage or super huge risk/responsibility. I like being so very close to nature. I like using less. (I've simultaneously cut back on things like single use plastics and tissues.) I like the way it pushes me just a little, like how I *have* to go outside at least once per day, snow or shine, to empty the pee bottle.
I've got things set up really nicely, with further plans. I'm really clever at practical design, so things are warm, cozy, and mostly convenient.
#RVLife #OffGrid #Solarpunk #rewilding #decolonization #Recovery2025
-
One problem I've had to balance lately (it's a problem I love to have) is that when I'm feeling up, I have to manage actual side effects.
When I have a good day, I tend to have insomnia. I can also tend to overextend. And I'm not sure what to do with this buzz. I get pretty fidgety and then wear myself out fast.
I expect I'll level off as this becomes more common.
-
Everybody was really impressed with me on an important call today.
I can be pretty fire when I'm not super sick and exhausted all the time. I have skills and laurels now that I didn't have in my previous life when I was well.
I just need the spaciousness to use them.
I've had some spaciousness the last week.
-
We put these things into boxes that keep us from seeing what they really are and how they are in competition with each other.
Therapy is many things, and one thing it is, is an ideology.
An ideology in direct competition with organized (especially authoritarian) religion, with capitalism, with fascism, even with whiteness.
Therapy has tried to be compatible with these. It has been dependent upon these and enabled these.
But the further the science pushes it to be fundamentally anti-trauma, the more therapy culture stands in direct opposition to these things.
May it be their undoing.
#Recovery2025 #AbuseCulture #TherapyCulture #decolonization #WhitenessIsACult
-
Honestly, ubiquitous therapy itself is the biggest cultural and moral coup on the status quo, and on religion, specifically authoritarian Christianity.
These two are fundamentally incompatible.
Authoritarianism needs trauma to thrive.
Therapy is starkly anti-trauma in its worldview.
-
There is such an [abundance] of media these days that expose abuse red flags, accurately depict power dynamics, identify healthy vs unhealthy relationship dynamics, setting a particular bar for what behaviors are unacceptable, and similar themes. That's one thing we have going, and that's really the front of the culture war that we're best winning.
I lived in times before this was true, when TV was propaganda for hiding how things really worked, when pluralistic ignorance made us all feel alone in our sickness.
I don't take that for granted.
-
Finishing up The Beast in Me (limited series, Netflix), and I really like how it handled its theme and as an accurate analysis of a certain kind of person.
Clare Danes' character makes an excellent foil. (And it's really interesting that they somehow made the protagonist also be the foil.)
I can always tell when the creators of a media don't understand abuser mindsets or tactics.
They nailed it.
-
CW: Abuse, personal
(The villain in The Beast in Me reminds me of my abuser sometimes. Also a smart manipulator.)
-
CW: Abuse, personal
My abuser's behavior was very confusing. But it all clicked once I learned about abuser mindsets. Specifically narcissistic abuse patterns.
My abuser is very intelligent. He is also well versed in therapy and feminist worldviews. There are a lot of reasons I didn't see (or excused) the red flags.
He said he respected independent, intelligent women. And I think he does.
I think he also sees intelligent women as a challenge. I don't think he wanted to break me (which he did). I think he wanted me to become a more-or-less fully cooperating extension of himself.
And I sure gave him a challenge. I may have broken, but I never capitulated. I never said I was wrong just to get him off my back. I never changed my behavior to suit him when that ask extended to things I thought most important. I only caved when I really was wrong, or when what he demanded of me didn't violate my principles or sense of what was true.
And I think he resented me for that. That I didn't give him a reason to discard me after the devalue stage ran its course. I think he took me on as a challenge, then blamed me when I was not so easily conquered.
There is another woman in his life, at the time, who he has accomplished this on (made into a more-or-less fully cooperating extension of himself.) He got her when they were both young. Many other women he either conquered quickly, then discarded (probably out of lost respect - that's the double-bind), or who defied him from the start in a way he couldn't get his hooks in. (Or this latter category rejected him *first* and he lied about it to me.)
That's the bind, right? If I would have capitulated and become his extension, he would have lost respect for me and resented me anyway.
That's because his sickness is playing out inside of him, and will forever, because he in spite of his intelligence, he is not capable of that kind of self-awareness.
-
I'm kind of looking forward to going across the street to my family's this thanksgiving.
While pol can still be a little tense, this side of my family has done some changing, especially religiously, and we've thusfar learned to navigate pol discussions reasonably and with listening and empathy. We just haven't had enough of them yet to be exactly on the same page.
I'm actually starting to like this side of my family, and I think they like me now somewhat too. We have united on hating my mother. I have wanted to see more of them and the slog has kept me from it. I'm socially very isolated and would love to see people.
On the other hand...
Today's a really big day for me. After a steady slog and related series of burnouts for idk how long to count it (x years?), I finally think I've done enough to be settled here in a safe place at last, ready as I'll ever be for a hard winter, and am finally letting myself of the hook of pressure and keeping pace.
I just... don't want to go anywhere today.
This day specifically.
I just want one day to fuck off and do nothing.
But time is a rigid resource, and the grid of a calendar is bars on my prison.
Time to put my pants!!
-
-
I think there's a bottle of expired Hershey syrup in long storage but I'd have to go outside again. 😞😂
-
I really want hot chocolate with creme de menthe right now, but I don't have any hot chocolate. 😞
-
This weekend I decided to eat dessert first. It worked out pretty well. (We'll see about the energy levels tomorrow.)
-
I finally have a little excess energy to spend on fun work outside.
YES, the insulation needs to be (re)done, and YES that will be miserable to do once it freezes, and YES, there's laundry to do, etc. The backlog is still there, but it's finally getting smaller and manageable.
What's left to be done that isn't fun can wait.
Meanwhile, instead of a rest day plus two high pressure days spent on tasks I'm behind on that HAVE to be done, instead I sat around each day playing iPad until I felt antsy, then went out and did lower priority heavy labor stuff I WANTED to do.
I got some things finished, large and small, and it feels great to finally have autonomy and to do physical work on low-risk tasks that are fun and possible to complete.
My needs are simple. This is what I've wanted for so, so long, but caretaking a toxic person who quells any fun she sniffs out (including fun work) made even those simple needs impossible to fulfill. I've been away from her almost a year now, but the rest of the year was digging myself out of severe backlog and moving to a new state and new tougher lifestyle. Enough pressure to create another burnout this year and remain sick. I start to think I'm deluding myself and it's always going to be more of the same.
I can't say I'm fully ready for winter, but I'm better off than I was last winter (well ok I had insulation then, and I'm told it was an easy winter so we'll see), and I have some choice over how I spend my energy now. That feels really good.
We'll find out if not taking a full rest day this weekend will bite me when the week starts tomorrow. But right now I'm feeling physically exhausted and emotionally / mentally restored.
-
I also dug up a large rock yesterday. I keep forgetting about that. My body feels less bad from that than I'd expect.
-
It just feels like sugar is oozing from my pores. It didn't help that I put honey in my oatmeal today. Maybe I shouldn't have. 🥴
-
We did our traditional Halloween binge last night, and while I'm not hungover this morning, my body is working hard to process all that sugar. Ugh.
It's raining hard, so I feel no pressure to work on the insulation. But there's a talk in town about extremist hate groups in the region and what to do about them, that I'd really like to go to. For the first time this year, I don't feel I'd be white-knuckling it to do a social thing with strangers, BUT it would still be hard. And I want a break from doing things that are hard.
I feel like I'm talking myself out of it, and feeling relief, which probably means I should stay home. But I also get the sense that such opportunities to network with like-minded people here won't come along often.
-
My stress load is much lighter, and I *think* I've been resting more and pushing less hard. But my healing has leveled off, whereas I'd expected to begin improving again once the last push ended. Today was really really hard and all I did was shower and bill one hour. That took all day.
I probably need a full-on vacation, but the pressure has not lessened on the paid project, so I need to keep a steady pace there, and winter is in fact here, so I need to keep a steady albeit slower pace for trailer maintenance (it was COLD in here this morning). I probably had a mini-burnout on the push to move the trailer and get the snowshed built (someone else built it for me, but it was still a lot of work and stress in support, and the move required redoing a lot of things, like the insulation, hence the cold).
I've noticed something interesting though. This week, my symptoms have been worse BEFORE my day's push, and then when I'm finished with my work, they lighten up significantly.
I suspect my body is anticipating that I'll push way too hard, which is fair because that's what I did steadily for many, many years. It's trying to protect us by bringing on anticipatory pain and brain fog and fatigue, when really that just makes everything take more energy. I got the message and *have* cut back. It's going to take awhile for my cells to learn.
At least, I hope that's what this is. Either that or it means I'll never get better....
-
I guess I'm in a going off on rants mood. I'd like to document these ideas, and it's fun, but on the other hand, I need to monitor my energy levels, because I need to focus on paid-writing and restoring my health.
-
Wow, this is the first time in YEARS I feel caught up.
Sure, there's stuff to do. But no pending emergencies, and no major looming deadlines (except a work one, but that manageable on its own). I'm in a safe place and not being actively abused. I can pace comfortably now.
Now the trick is to not get myself into any new trouble.
-
Yes I have Björk on my shoegaze playlist. (Billie Eilish, too.)
-
Also, SomaFM doesn't seem to have a shoegaze channel? What's with that?
-
Shoegaze hits different when I'm not in deep pain.
It's still really good, just different. I feel guarded against being triggered.
This stuff was possibly my #2 coping mechanism for years, second only to plant medicine. A sound louder than my pain yet gentle in its cacophony. That's shoegaze.
#music #DarkSojourn #Recovery2025 #shoegaze
(I know. I'm looking into alternatives to Spotify and have mostly just been streaming SomaFM lately. But I still haven't found another viable way to share these playlists. Curating public playlists was maybe my #3 top cope. And this one is very important to me.)