#darksojourn — Public Fediverse posts

I was just watching a video of Slowdive playing When the Sun Hits on stage, and realized I first heard of shoegaze as a genre at the virtual DEFCON, summer of 2020, from a set that DJ Shadow played. It was an awakening.

This music saw me through so much suffering. It was my reflection of pain, a wall of pain placed outside of me to buffer what was within. And when that wasn't strong enough, I turned to blackgaze.

I just realized that I'm not sure I've heard that song without being in deep pain.

Until tonight.

Funny how that time was long enough ago to be a memory now. This song, no longer either new nor overplayed, but nostalgia.

At the time, it was what always was, and what always would be.

Here are the songs I've collected in the six years since. (It's on Spotify, too, if you search "Blissful Haze, Shoegaze.")

Thanks for getting me through all that. 🎸🫡

https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/blissful-haze-shoegaze/pl.u-WabZZ7RCdmK84r

#shoegaze #music #DarkSojourn #Recovery2026 #journal

I was just watching a video of Slowdive playing When the Sun Hits on stage, and realized I first heard of shoegaze as a genre at the virtual DEFCON, summer of 2020, from a set that DJ Shadow played. It was an awakening.

This music saw me through so much suffering. It was my reflection of pain, a wall of pain placed outside of me to buffer what was within. And when that wasn't strong enough, I turned to blackgaze.

I just realized that I'm not sure I've heard that song without being in deep pain.

Until tonight.

Funny how that time was long enough ago to be a memory now. This song, no longer either new nor overplayed, but nostalgia.

At the time, it was what always was, and what always would be.

Here are the songs I've collected in the six years since. (It's on Spotify, too, if you search "Blissful Haze, Shoegaze.")

Thanks for getting me through all that. 🎸🫡

https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/blissful-haze-shoegaze/pl.u-WabZZ7RCdmK84r

#shoegaze #music #DarkSojourn #Recovery2026 #journal

I stepped outside the trailer and it was like I was waking up for the first time in years.

Though I've lived here more than a year, I took in my new surroundings.

#Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn

I stepped outside the trailer and it was like I was waking up for the first time in years.

Though I've lived here more than a year, I took in my new surroundings.

#Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn

It just burns me (and now I'm journalling) that he questioned my loyalty. Over and over and over.

I'm still carrying around my loyalty to you, bud. And it still hurts.

#DarkSojourn

It just burns me (and now I'm journalling) that he questioned my loyalty. Over and over and over.

I'm still carrying around my loyalty to you, bud. And it still hurts.

#DarkSojourn

Also it's some extra bullshit that he was never expected to change his name once. As the default, this is my problem because I'm AFAB.

#Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn

Also it's some extra bullshit that he was never expected to change his name once. As the default, this is my problem because I'm AFAB.

#Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn

If you ever have a romantic partner who pressures you into deeper levels of commitment, and acts hurt if you don't want to move so quickly or don't want to commit at all... just like, that's his problem. He can go to a therapist or whatever. If he needs commitment because he's looking for security or a certain family structure or whatever, then he can break up with you and find someone more into that.

Me taking the last name "Lindsey" for him as my pen name, and then plastering it all over my professional brand, that's a specter that has damaged my career and followed me a decade after leaving him.

I did that because he pressured me into agreeing to an engagement, when I had repeatedly said I hated weddings, and I never, ever wanted to be married again.

And while we never did get married after a couple of years of engagement, he reminded me frequently how hurt he was that I continually postponed wedding plans. Yet would not engage with me about my doubts over relationship issues.

His name is on my work. Many of the publishing platforms will not let me change my name in the listing. Reader are confused at my multiple bylines. I've had to mess with domain redirects that don't work anymore.

Just, if someone wants you to commit and gets hurt by your hesitation, that's a them problem. They need to work on it, not you. You're just fine.

#UnsolicitedAdvice #Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn

If you ever have a romantic partner who pressures you into deeper levels of commitment, and acts hurt if you don't want to move so quickly or don't want to commit at all... just like, that's his problem. He can go to a therapist or whatever. If he needs commitment because he's looking for security or a certain family structure or whatever, then he can break up with you and find someone more into that.

Me taking the last name "Lindsey" for him as my pen name, and then plastering it all over my professional brand, that's a specter that has damaged my career and followed me a decade after leaving him.

I did that because he pressured me into agreeing to an engagement, when I had repeatedly said I hated weddings, and I never, ever wanted to be married again.

And while we never did get married after a couple of years of engagement, he reminded me frequently how hurt he was that I continually postponed wedding plans. Yet would not engage with me about my doubts over relationship issues.

His name is on my work. Many of the publishing platforms will not let me change my name in the listing. Reader are confused at my multiple bylines. I've had to mess with domain redirects that don't work anymore.

Just, if someone wants you to commit and gets hurt by your hesitation, that's a them problem. They need to work on it, not you. You're just fine.

#UnsolicitedAdvice #Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn

In deep detox.

Mild depression is a thing I haven't had the luxury of dealing with in many years (possibly 15), though at one time in my life, I was functionally depressed every few weeks. I've been mildly depressed since late last week. Hard to believe how long it's been since I've experienced this, and yes, it's a major sign of growth.

Now trying to remember how to function outside of emergency mode. I can do stuff if I have to, but I don't have to. Sure, we need water. Sure, I'd planned to go into town today and get water. But there's backup water in storage. Don't really feel like pushing myself — there's no immediate reason.

I created this situation on purpose, now I'm trying to feel glad I've arrived at what I worked so hard for, but also struggling to figure out how to "be" when not absolutely pumped up on cortisol and adrenaline fueled by existential threats. But if I can just be when I'm suffering at a 9 on the 3rd Tier pain scale, then I can just be when I'm sorta meh, too.

Will I feel better if I pull it together and go into town today? Probably. That's how I used to cope with functional depression. But also maybe I don't care to feel better.

I want to take a sick day but I'm not exactly sick. I've had enough rest. Pain levels are minimal, tiredness is minimal. It's not brain fog — I know how to push through that. It's more like I just don't care to think.

I didn't accept 9-T3level pain as an excuse before, until I did and learned to rest.

So maybe I don't need any excuses at all.

#Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn #journal

In deep detox.

Mild depression is a thing I haven't had the luxury of dealing with in many years (possibly 15), though at one time in my life, I was functionally depressed every few weeks. I've been mildly depressed since late last week. Hard to believe how long it's been since I've experienced this, and yes, it's a major sign of growth.

Now trying to remember how to function outside of emergency mode. I can do stuff if I have to, but I don't have to. Sure, we need water. Sure, I'd planned to go into town today and get water. But there's backup water in storage. Don't really feel like pushing myself — there's no immediate reason.

I created this situation on purpose, now I'm trying to feel glad I've arrived at what I worked so hard for, but also struggling to figure out how to "be" when not absolutely pumped up on cortisol and adrenaline fueled by existential threats. But if I can just be when I'm suffering at a 9 on the 3rd Tier pain scale, then I can just be when I'm sorta meh, too.

Will I feel better if I pull it together and go into town today? Probably. That's how I used to cope with functional depression. But also maybe I don't care to feel better.

I want to take a sick day but I'm not exactly sick. I've had enough rest. Pain levels are minimal, tiredness is minimal. It's not brain fog — I know how to push through that. It's more like I just don't care to think.

I didn't accept 9-T3level pain as an excuse before, until I did and learned to rest.

So maybe I don't need any excuses at all.

#Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn #journal

Had a really bad flare up yesterday that is overflowing into today. After several really good weeks.

I don't know what triggered it.

I can't believe I used to feel like this, or worse, every day.

#recovery2026 #MECFS #DarkSojourn

Had a really bad flare up yesterday that is overflowing into today. After several really good weeks.

I don't know what triggered it.

I can't believe I used to feel like this, or worse, every day.

#recovery2026 #MECFS #DarkSojourn

I recently learned that you can relax your vagus nerve by massaging your ears. (This sounds like a setup for a joke, but this time, it is NOT.) It seems to work.

I stopped stimming my ears as a small child, when my mom would freak out that I had an ear infection. There are a lot of behaviors I repressed because my mom thought it meant I was sick, and she'd give me prune juice or put something up my nose.

My body knew what to do.

My mom isn't quite Munchausen or by proxy, but she leans in that general direction. She has always been sick with something and always thought I was sick, and unless I wanted to get out of work, I did whatever it took to hide whatever she thought made me sick. Lately I've been learning that some of tho behaviors were beneficial.

And upon individuating, my reaction to that upbringing was to swing the opposite way, to suppress and deny when I was tired or sick. I hardly ever took sick days (not that work would have let me anyway), and just powered through until I got permanently sick, and still powered through. Even my burnouts had burnouts.

Weird that I ended up with my mom, caretaking her endless illnesses while she ignored my pleas – "I am sick, mom! I need to pace! You need to prioritize my energy! The yard is clean enough! Stop calling me for useless things after 9pm!" and that's when I *really* well and truly broke beyond repair.

#Journal #DarkSojourn #Recovery2026 #IGuessImProcessingInteadOfLookingForWorkLol

I recently learned that you can relax your vagus nerve by massaging your ears. (This sounds like a setup for a joke, but this time, it is NOT.) It seems to work.

I stopped stimming my ears as a small child, when my mom would freak out that I had an ear infection. There are a lot of behaviors I repressed because my mom thought it meant I was sick, and she'd give me prune juice or put something up my nose.

My body knew what to do.

My mom isn't quite Munchausen or by proxy, but she leans in that general direction. She has always been sick with something and always thought I was sick, and unless I wanted to get out of work, I did whatever it took to hide whatever she thought made me sick. Lately I've been learning that some of tho behaviors were beneficial.

And upon individuating, my reaction to that upbringing was to swing the opposite way, to suppress and deny when I was tired or sick. I hardly ever took sick days (not that work would have let me anyway), and just powered through until I got permanently sick, and still powered through. Even my burnouts had burnouts.

Weird that I ended up with my mom, caretaking her endless illnesses while she ignored my pleas – "I am sick, mom! I need to pace! You need to prioritize my energy! The yard is clean enough! Stop calling me for useless things after 9pm!" and that's when I *really* well and truly broke beyond repair.

#Journal #DarkSojourn #Recovery2026 #IGuessImProcessingInteadOfLookingForWorkLol

I know I've whined about this on here before, but ... I was on track to be somebody. I was a small-time somebody there for a minute. I was on panels at cons, being invited to other cons, speaking in front of crowds, invited to podcasts, invited to write for anthologies, people in certain small niches fanned over me and wanted my autograph, I was meeting the movers and shakers.

But then I left my abuser and got sick. I continued to do all that and keep on climbing while sick. Until I couldn't anymore. (I think of what I was able to do during those years to maintain and even increase momentum, and it astonishes me. I am still so angry at my mom, who was the final nail in my coffin.)

It's been a few years since I could, and they say publish or perish. I hath perished and have been forgotten at best, and made many poor impressions at worst.

This isn't it quite the same scene, but it tells me that maybe I can still be impressive. Maybe my laurels can just be dusted off and rehung the moment I am ready.

I still run out of energy so quickly. I do still worry about not being able to fulfill expectations. And I'm currently unemployed, which isn't much of an ego boost. It seems like such a waste of all the skills and reputation I fostered over years of struggle. I am *very* confident in my skills when I can show up. I just can't show up without my functionality quickly draining.

But maybe if I pace myself well, maybe my health can continue to improve, and maybe I can hit the scene again, not running, but at least walking.

I doubt if I'll ever be able to travel again, though. 😔

#Journal #Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn

I know I've whined about this on here before, but ... I was on track to be somebody. I was a small-time somebody there for a minute. I was on panels at cons, being invited to other cons, speaking in front of crowds, invited to podcasts, invited to write for anthologies, people in certain small niches fanned over me and wanted my autograph, I was meeting the movers and shakers.

But then I left my abuser and got sick. I continued to do all that and keep on climbing while sick. Until I couldn't anymore. (I think of what I was able to do during those years to maintain and even increase momentum, and it astonishes me. I am still so angry at my mom, who was the final nail in my coffin.)

It's been a few years since I could, and they say publish or perish. I hath perished and have been forgotten at best, and made many poor impressions at worst.

This isn't it quite the same scene, but it tells me that maybe I can still be impressive. Maybe my laurels can just be dusted off and rehung the moment I am ready.

I still run out of energy so quickly. I do still worry about not being able to fulfill expectations. And I'm currently unemployed, which isn't much of an ego boost. It seems like such a waste of all the skills and reputation I fostered over years of struggle. I am *very* confident in my skills when I can show up. I just can't show up without my functionality quickly draining.

But maybe if I pace myself well, maybe my health can continue to improve, and maybe I can hit the scene again, not running, but at least walking.

I doubt if I'll ever be able to travel again, though. 😔

#Journal #Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn

Not being able to maintain a reading habit for a decade has been a huge blow to my sense of self. I made terms with it, but not satisfying terms. I still kept pushing and trying. Sometimes I'd finish a book but only through struggle, something I had to try, unsuccessfully, through intermittent brain fog or lack of desire.

All this week when watching YouTube, I've had this nagging sense I'd rather be doing something else, and it would take me hours to realize it was READING. I'd rather be reading.

It feels like a healing moment.

I'm still going to keep my expectations low. I'm sure I'll struggle again. But I've proven it's possible. This is my old self.

I'm back.

#DarkSojourn #Recovery2026

Not being able to maintain a reading habit for a decade has been a huge blow to my sense of self. I made terms with it, but not satisfying terms. I still kept pushing and trying. Sometimes I'd finish a book but only through struggle, something I had to try, unsuccessfully, through intermittent brain fog or lack of desire.

All this week when watching YouTube, I've had this nagging sense I'd rather be doing something else, and it would take me hours to realize it was READING. I'd rather be reading.

It feels like a healing moment.

I'm still going to keep my expectations low. I'm sure I'll struggle again. But I've proven it's possible. This is my old self.

I'm back.

#DarkSojourn #Recovery2026

I've seen several playthroughs of Disco Elysium (one was over eighty hours), played it partway through twice myself, and seen several video essays about it (including one by Jeffiot that was *five* hours).

Since I usually don't like to repeat content, I wondered why I was so obsessed with it.

From a video essay, this quote answered that and hit me hard at the same time.

"Disco Elysium isn't really about getting better. The more I played, the more I realized it wasn't teaching me how to fix myself. It was teaching me how to move while I was still broken." Jazz Stewart, YouTube

(If you've not experienced a run or partial run of this game, this video will not be the best introduction. I'm just including it as the quote source. If you're interested, it's best to play it or watch a playthrough, preferably raw without knowing too much about it.)

(But also it's a fine video to watch if you're already a fan.)

https://youtu.be/AQUSYk8OA6o

#DarkSojourn #Recovery2026 #DiscoElysium

I've seen several playthroughs of Disco Elysium (one was over eighty hours), played it partway through twice myself, and seen several video essays about it (including one by Jeffiot that was *five* hours).

Since I usually don't like to repeat content, I wondered why I was so obsessed with it.

From a video essay, this quote answered that and hit me hard at the same time.

"Disco Elysium isn't really about getting better. The more I played, the more I realized it wasn't teaching me how to fix myself. It was teaching me how to move while I was still broken." Jazz Stewart, YouTube

(If you've not experienced a run or partial run of this game, this video will not be the best introduction. I'm just including it as the quote source. If you're interested, it's best to play it or watch a playthrough, preferably raw without knowing too much about it.)

(But also it's a fine video to watch if you're already a fan.)

https://youtu.be/AQUSYk8OA6o

#DarkSojourn #Recovery2026 #DiscoElysium

I'm resetting after a weekend of basically not worrying about much of anything.

So last month, I had that hip injury, and on top of that I had a cold. While I'd gotten through most of my years-long backlog of high-priority emergencies, I still had plans to continue pacing myself through the remaining list items in order of priority/distastefulness. But my hip was so bad that I basically just spent January focusing on recovery, the barest essential daily tasks, pain management, and my two hours of billed work per day.

It forced me to rest-rest. Like, super rest. Not very relaxing, given the pain I was in, my mobility issues and the fear that caused me, and all the trips to the chiropractor. Not restful rest. But in terms of forcing a total reset on my brain, that did it.

Through that, I finished up my work project of three years. Last Thursday.

I still had a couple of hours of loose ends to finish up, mainly just emailing the client and getting all her files in the right format and uploaded, final invoicing.

But Friday? Instead of doing that, I just crashed out. I overslept, and overslept some more. Friday wasn't even fun, because I had that feeling of having sat still for way too long. But I had zero motivation to do anything whatsoever about it.

Saturday, same thing. Only by then, I'd gotten a new game that was sufficiently giving me dopamine. Like, way too much, so then I had insomnia 😂 I've also been watching nonstop spooky YouTube since the injury started. Unsolved mysteries, nostalgia, found footage, lost media, internet history, weird Wikipedia, Reddit drama, reviews of unethical 2000's era reality shows, ghost stories, weird weather incidents. Whatever is creepy without being triggering. So it's kind of a mood.

Yesterday, I scraped together the final work stuff in one hour, then went back to doing nothing. Because except for a few expected loose ends for my client, I'm technically unemployed now.

(And my tooth chipped all by itself in the middle of the night? So that's weird.)

There were several points during the month at which a grocery run seemed incredibly urgent... but then my sister brought some fruit and bread from the food bank. There was enough frozens in the freezer to get me by a little longer (because being a food packrat needs to pay off from time to time). Then my sister brought some of my old food from my mom's house. And I'm just skating by. Consider the lilies of the field, and all that.

This weekend was the first time since I can remember (13+ years) since I have felt zero sense of urgency, zero sense of responsibility, zero sense that even though I was resting, I still needed to be ready to pull myself together at any moment. Even when I was sick in my bedroom all those years, there were still things needing doing that took everything I had to push myself into.

This is first time I've felt a sense of "That's uncomfortably too much rest actually, but I think I'll just rest some more." Actual boredom and being fully rested. Since at least... 2013? Or earlier?

And also, no pain. All weekend. Except for my hip mildly aching when I slept.

Even with all the pol drama going on, I simply did not care. I didn't even feel like cracking jokes. I dipped in here from time to time to get quick updates on the state of the world, but it was mostly rather uninteresting.

It feels like a total reset. I have a vague sense of boredom, of sluggish thoughts, and no real need to pull myself together, other than a distant feeling that I really do have things coming due soon, and I really should be looking for work.

But .... there's time.

It's the weirdest thing. As I slowly roll back into activity, I have no feeling of fatigue or tiredness, other than having overslept.

I have no idea what my fatigue levels are should I try to pick up pace again. But no sense that I need to be on nearly the pace I was.

Unless I want to be.

#MECFS #Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn #journal

I'm resetting after a weekend of basically not worrying about much of anything.

So last month, I had that hip injury, and on top of that I had a cold. While I'd gotten through most of my years-long backlog of high-priority emergencies, I still had plans to continue pacing myself through the remaining list items in order of priority/distastefulness. But my hip was so bad that I basically just spent January focusing on recovery, the barest essential daily tasks, pain management, and my two hours of billed work per day.

It forced me to rest-rest. Like, super rest. Not very relaxing, given the pain I was in, my mobility issues and the fear that caused me, and all the trips to the chiropractor. Not restful rest. But in terms of forcing a total reset on my brain, that did it.

Through that, I finished up my work project of three years. Last Thursday.

I still had a couple of hours of loose ends to finish up, mainly just emailing the client and getting all her files in the right format and uploaded, final invoicing.

But Friday? Instead of doing that, I just crashed out. I overslept, and overslept some more. Friday wasn't even fun, because I had that feeling of having sat still for way too long. But I had zero motivation to do anything whatsoever about it.

Saturday, same thing. Only by then, I'd gotten a new game that was sufficiently giving me dopamine. Like, way too much, so then I had insomnia 😂 I've also been watching nonstop spooky YouTube since the injury started. Unsolved mysteries, nostalgia, found footage, lost media, internet history, weird Wikipedia, Reddit drama, reviews of unethical 2000's era reality shows, ghost stories, weird weather incidents. Whatever is creepy without being triggering. So it's kind of a mood.

Yesterday, I scraped together the final work stuff in one hour, then went back to doing nothing. Because except for a few expected loose ends for my client, I'm technically unemployed now.

(And my tooth chipped all by itself in the middle of the night? So that's weird.)

There were several points during the month at which a grocery run seemed incredibly urgent... but then my sister brought some fruit and bread from the food bank. There was enough frozens in the freezer to get me by a little longer (because being a food packrat needs to pay off from time to time). Then my sister brought some of my old food from my mom's house. And I'm just skating by. Consider the lilies of the field, and all that.

This weekend was the first time since I can remember (13+ years) since I have felt zero sense of urgency, zero sense of responsibility, zero sense that even though I was resting, I still needed to be ready to pull myself together at any moment. Even when I was sick in my bedroom all those years, there were still things needing doing that took everything I had to push myself into.

This is first time I've felt a sense of "That's uncomfortably too much rest actually, but I think I'll just rest some more." Actual boredom and being fully rested. Since at least... 2013? Or earlier?

And also, no pain. All weekend. Except for my hip mildly aching when I slept.

Even with all the pol drama going on, I simply did not care. I didn't even feel like cracking jokes. I dipped in here from time to time to get quick updates on the state of the world, but it was mostly rather uninteresting.

It feels like a total reset. I have a vague sense of boredom, of sluggish thoughts, and no real need to pull myself together, other than a distant feeling that I really do have things coming due soon, and I really should be looking for work.

But .... there's time.

It's the weirdest thing. As I slowly roll back into activity, I have no feeling of fatigue or tiredness, other than having overslept.

I have no idea what my fatigue levels are should I try to pick up pace again. But no sense that I need to be on nearly the pace I was.

Unless I want to be.

#MECFS #Recovery2026 #DarkSojourn #journal

One problem I've had to balance lately (it's a problem I love to have) is that when I'm feeling up, I have to manage actual side effects.

When I have a good day, I tend to have insomnia. I can also tend to overextend. And I'm not sure what to do with this buzz. I get pretty fidgety and then wear myself out fast.

I expect I'll level off as this becomes more common.

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

One problem I've had to balance lately (it's a problem I love to have) is that when I'm feeling up, I have to manage actual side effects.

When I have a good day, I tend to have insomnia. I can also tend to overextend. And I'm not sure what to do with this buzz. I get pretty fidgety and then wear myself out fast.

I expect I'll level off as this becomes more common.

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

Everybody was really impressed with me on an important call today.

I can be pretty fire when I'm not super sick and exhausted all the time. I have skills and laurels now that I didn't have in my previous life when I was well.

I just need the spaciousness to use them.

I've had some spaciousness the last week.

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

Everybody was really impressed with me on an important call today.

I can be pretty fire when I'm not super sick and exhausted all the time. I have skills and laurels now that I didn't have in my previous life when I was well.

I just need the spaciousness to use them.

I've had some spaciousness the last week.

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

I'm kind of looking forward to going across the street to my family's this thanksgiving.

While pol can still be a little tense, this side of my family has done some changing, especially religiously, and we've thusfar learned to navigate pol discussions reasonably and with listening and empathy. We just haven't had enough of them yet to be exactly on the same page.

I'm actually starting to like this side of my family, and I think they like me now somewhat too. We have united on hating my mother. I have wanted to see more of them and the slog has kept me from it. I'm socially very isolated and would love to see people.

On the other hand...

Today's a really big day for me. After a steady slog and related series of burnouts for idk how long to count it (x years?), I finally think I've done enough to be settled here in a safe place at last, ready as I'll ever be for a hard winter, and am finally letting myself of the hook of pressure and keeping pace.

I just... don't want to go anywhere today.

This day specifically.

I just want one day to fuck off and do nothing.

But time is a rigid resource, and the grid of a calendar is bars on my prison.

Time to put my pants!!

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

I'm kind of looking forward to going across the street to my family's this thanksgiving.

While pol can still be a little tense, this side of my family has done some changing, especially religiously, and we've thusfar learned to navigate pol discussions reasonably and with listening and empathy. We just haven't had enough of them yet to be exactly on the same page.

I'm actually starting to like this side of my family, and I think they like me now somewhat too. We have united on hating my mother. I have wanted to see more of them and the slog has kept me from it. I'm socially very isolated and would love to see people.

On the other hand...

Today's a really big day for me. After a steady slog and related series of burnouts for idk how long to count it (x years?), I finally think I've done enough to be settled here in a safe place at last, ready as I'll ever be for a hard winter, and am finally letting myself of the hook of pressure and keeping pace.

I just... don't want to go anywhere today.

This day specifically.

I just want one day to fuck off and do nothing.

But time is a rigid resource, and the grid of a calendar is bars on my prison.

Time to put my pants!!

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

I finally have a little excess energy to spend on fun work outside.

YES, the insulation needs to be (re)done, and YES that will be miserable to do once it freezes, and YES, there's laundry to do, etc. The backlog is still there, but it's finally getting smaller and manageable.

What's left to be done that isn't fun can wait.

Meanwhile, instead of a rest day plus two high pressure days spent on tasks I'm behind on that HAVE to be done, instead I sat around each day playing iPad until I felt antsy, then went out and did lower priority heavy labor stuff I WANTED to do.

I got some things finished, large and small, and it feels great to finally have autonomy and to do physical work on low-risk tasks that are fun and possible to complete.

My needs are simple. This is what I've wanted for so, so long, but caretaking a toxic person who quells any fun she sniffs out (including fun work) made even those simple needs impossible to fulfill. I've been away from her almost a year now, but the rest of the year was digging myself out of severe backlog and moving to a new state and new tougher lifestyle. Enough pressure to create another burnout this year and remain sick. I start to think I'm deluding myself and it's always going to be more of the same.

I can't say I'm fully ready for winter, but I'm better off than I was last winter (well ok I had insulation then, and I'm told it was an easy winter so we'll see), and I have some choice over how I spend my energy now. That feels really good.

We'll find out if not taking a full rest day this weekend will bite me when the week starts tomorrow. But right now I'm feeling physically exhausted and emotionally / mentally restored.

#Recovery2025
#DarkSojourn

I finally have a little excess energy to spend on fun work outside.

YES, the insulation needs to be (re)done, and YES that will be miserable to do once it freezes, and YES, there's laundry to do, etc. The backlog is still there, but it's finally getting smaller and manageable.

What's left to be done that isn't fun can wait.

Meanwhile, instead of a rest day plus two high pressure days spent on tasks I'm behind on that HAVE to be done, instead I sat around each day playing iPad until I felt antsy, then went out and did lower priority heavy labor stuff I WANTED to do.

I got some things finished, large and small, and it feels great to finally have autonomy and to do physical work on low-risk tasks that are fun and possible to complete.

My needs are simple. This is what I've wanted for so, so long, but caretaking a toxic person who quells any fun she sniffs out (including fun work) made even those simple needs impossible to fulfill. I've been away from her almost a year now, but the rest of the year was digging myself out of severe backlog and moving to a new state and new tougher lifestyle. Enough pressure to create another burnout this year and remain sick. I start to think I'm deluding myself and it's always going to be more of the same.

I can't say I'm fully ready for winter, but I'm better off than I was last winter (well ok I had insulation then, and I'm told it was an easy winter so we'll see), and I have some choice over how I spend my energy now. That feels really good.

We'll find out if not taking a full rest day this weekend will bite me when the week starts tomorrow. But right now I'm feeling physically exhausted and emotionally / mentally restored.

#Recovery2025
#DarkSojourn

Wow, this is the first time in YEARS I feel caught up.

Sure, there's stuff to do. But no pending emergencies, and no major looming deadlines (except a work one, but that manageable on its own). I'm in a safe place and not being actively abused. I can pace comfortably now.

Now the trick is to not get myself into any new trouble.

#MECFS #Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

Wow, this is the first time in YEARS I feel caught up.

Sure, there's stuff to do. But no pending emergencies, and no major looming deadlines (except a work one, but that manageable on its own). I'm in a safe place and not being actively abused. I can pace comfortably now.

Now the trick is to not get myself into any new trouble.

#MECFS #Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

Yes I have Björk on my shoegaze playlist. (Billie Eilish, too.)

#music #DarkSojourn #Recovery2025 #shoegaze #somafm

Yes I have Björk on my shoegaze playlist. (Billie Eilish, too.)

#music #DarkSojourn #Recovery2025 #shoegaze #somafm

Also, SomaFM doesn't seem to have a shoegaze channel? What's with that?

#music #DarkSojourn #Recovery2025 #shoegaze #somafm

Also, SomaFM doesn't seem to have a shoegaze channel? What's with that?

#music #DarkSojourn #Recovery2025 #shoegaze #somafm

Shoegaze hits different when I'm not in deep pain.

It's still really good, just different. I feel guarded against being triggered.

This stuff was possibly my #2 coping mechanism for years, second only to plant medicine. A sound louder than my pain yet gentle in its cacophony. That's shoegaze.

#music #DarkSojourn #Recovery2025 #shoegaze

(I know. I'm looking into alternatives to Spotify and have mostly just been streaming SomaFM lately. But I still haven't found another viable way to share these playlists. Curating public playlists was maybe my #3 top cope. And this one is very important to me.)

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6ayOzGdaPaYSFwqCoZ6nBm

Shoegaze hits different when I'm not in deep pain.

It's still really good, just different. I feel guarded against being triggered.

This stuff was possibly my #2 coping mechanism for years, second only to plant medicine. A sound louder than my pain yet gentle in its cacophony. That's shoegaze.

#music #DarkSojourn #Recovery2025 #shoegaze

(I know. I'm looking into alternatives to Spotify and have mostly just been streaming SomaFM lately. But I still haven't found another viable way to share these playlists. Curating public playlists was maybe my #3 top cope. And this one is very important to me.)

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6ayOzGdaPaYSFwqCoZ6nBm

Now I just gotta get the reflectix cut into window shades, weatherize the seams, finish building the compost toilet properly, and move under the snowshed that's currently being built. Then I'll be set for winter.

(The French drain is not happening this year, so daily outside pee-bottle emptying adventures await. But I'm still better off than I was this time last year. By a long shot.)

#RVLife #OffGrid #Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

Now I just gotta get the reflectix cut into window shades, weatherize the seams, finish building the compost toilet properly, and move under the snowshed that's currently being built. Then I'll be set for winter.

(The French drain is not happening this year, so daily outside pee-bottle emptying adventures await. But I'm still better off than I was this time last year. By a long shot.)

#RVLife #OffGrid #Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

I went to bed early and slept twelve hours!!

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

I went to bed early and slept twelve hours!!

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

September is my favorite month and it always goes too quickly. I look back at my last several Septembers and sure did make a pillow out of a sow's ear each time. Best September in a long time. I wasn't in severe pain for most of the days!

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

September is my favorite month and it always goes too quickly. I look back at my last several Septembers and sure did make a pillow out of a sow's ear each time. Best September in a long time. I wasn't in severe pain for most of the days!

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

I know that part of my problem now is that when I get any spare energy, I tend to misuse it. I post long things here, which drains me faster than I realize. I obsessively play "harder" games on my iPad (they are not actually that hard), which is really fun because I've only been able to play easy games for so long, so self-restraint goes out the window, but they drain me. I watch more engaging shows and think really hard about them, which drains me.

The only way I got this far after the summer burnout was self-restraint on the fun things as well as the hard-work things.

So I probably need to go back to boredom as a goal again.

Not liking it, but it's the only way I prevent getting sicker, and how I heal.

"Self-denial, such a beautiful, wonderful thing." -- The Killers

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn #MECFS

I know that part of my problem now is that when I get any spare energy, I tend to misuse it. I post long things here, which drains me faster than I realize. I obsessively play "harder" games on my iPad (they are not actually that hard), which is really fun because I've only been able to play easy games for so long, so self-restraint goes out the window, but they drain me. I watch more engaging shows and think really hard about them, which drains me.

The only way I got this far after the summer burnout was self-restraint on the fun things as well as the hard-work things.

So I probably need to go back to boredom as a goal again.

Not liking it, but it's the only way I prevent getting sicker, and how I heal.

"Self-denial, such a beautiful, wonderful thing." -- The Killers

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn #MECFS

I got through the gauntlet of September better off than I was when I started the thing. It required pushing at the right times, and pacing at the right times, but never letting up. I finished yesterday in flow, with many thoughts and feelings about how living with a toxic person all that time took me so long to heal from, but was, in fact, the core problem.

I woke up today in pain with brain fog and sad feels.

Back to the pushing and pacing.

Winter is still coming.

#DarkSojourn #Recovery2025 #MECFS

I got through the gauntlet of September better off than I was when I started the thing. It required pushing at the right times, and pacing at the right times, but never letting up. I finished yesterday in flow, with many thoughts and feelings about how living with a toxic person all that time took me so long to heal from, but was, in fact, the core problem.

I woke up today in pain with brain fog and sad feels.

Back to the pushing and pacing.

Winter is still coming.

#DarkSojourn #Recovery2025 #MECFS

Then there's all the cognitive overhead of managing all that. That's a huge drain, too.

So I set that down, too.

I'm going to be letting a lot of things slide. Like, not just until I rest up enough to get back on the gauntlet. But for reals. As the new way of doing business.

If I've got food in my belly and the room is dry and warm today, then I've met my goal. Everything else is a stretch goal. If that.

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

Then there's all the cognitive overhead of managing all that. That's a huge drain, too.

So I set that down, too.

I'm going to be letting a lot of things slide. Like, not just until I rest up enough to get back on the gauntlet. But for reals. As the new way of doing business.

If I've got food in my belly and the room is dry and warm today, then I've met my goal. Everything else is a stretch goal. If that.

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

I do this with "getting stuff done" as well. I go for the hardest thing I can stand to do. Lots of reasons, ADHD executive function reasons. But with constraints like chronic illness, that means I never, ever, ever get to spend energy on the fun things, or the easy things, or the things that might improve my mood, because I flog myself over all the shitty things I still haven't gotten to. I thought I'd grown more gentle on myself in this area, and I had, but it was still the same mindset. Eat dessert last.

And I'm just so done with that. With being motivated by energy scarcity and fear of disaster.

I have what I need.

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

I do this with "getting stuff done" as well. I go for the hardest thing I can stand to do. Lots of reasons, ADHD executive function reasons. But with constraints like chronic illness, that means I never, ever, ever get to spend energy on the fun things, or the easy things, or the things that might improve my mood, because I flog myself over all the shitty things I still haven't gotten to. I thought I'd grown more gentle on myself in this area, and I had, but it was still the same mindset. Eat dessert last.

And I'm just so done with that. With being motivated by energy scarcity and fear of disaster.

I have what I need.

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

I've always been the kind of person who saves dessert for last. Even as a kid I noticed that meant I often didn't get dessert.

But I turn 50 this week and I still do it for some reason. It's like self-denial becomes a compulsion, a thing of its own. It has its perks and conveniences, safety nets, but I take it to an unhealthy level.

This summer I've been focused on how, when my body is communicating that need to lay down, or eat, or rest, I make it about how far I can push that. And stopping. Because I had to. Because there wasn't any room left to get any sicker.

Since leaving my abuser, self-denial turned into a compulsive routine in my very long downtimes, to cycle through the games and shows, in a certain order, as long as I could, "fun" and distracting though they may be, I had to complete it and push it, regardless of how much my body screamed at me for its needs.

It was absolutely a trauma cope, as the trauma never really stopped after the abuser.

But it's not serving me well, and I don't need it anymore.

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

I've always been the kind of person who saves dessert for last. Even as a kid I noticed that meant I often didn't get dessert.

But I turn 50 this week and I still do it for some reason. It's like self-denial becomes a compulsion, a thing of its own. It has its perks and conveniences, safety nets, but I take it to an unhealthy level.

This summer I've been focused on how, when my body is communicating that need to lay down, or eat, or rest, I make it about how far I can push that. And stopping. Because I had to. Because there wasn't any room left to get any sicker.

Since leaving my abuser, self-denial turned into a compulsive routine in my very long downtimes, to cycle through the games and shows, in a certain order, as long as I could, "fun" and distracting though they may be, I had to complete it and push it, regardless of how much my body screamed at me for its needs.

It was absolutely a trauma cope, as the trauma never really stopped after the abuser.

But it's not serving me well, and I don't need it anymore.

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

Recovery is still going well, but it can be discouraging.

I started today with quite a bit of energy – my mornings before work can be like that. It's the first day in a very, very long time where I've felt excited about work and confident about myself as a professional. Really feeling like yeah, I can do this!

Then, as is typical lately, as soon as I clocked in, my energy levels plummeted.

At this point, I think work itself has become a trigger for me. Which makes sense, given that for years of being anxious, sick, and exhausted, I pushed myself through the pain and brain fog to produce work and clock hours.

It's upsetting to me, because this is my dream job, and this project is my dream project. I'm frustrated that I'd hoped to really enjoy every step of the way. Instead, it's been quite the opposite, mostly because I started this project the month my dad died, and mom became a stress and trauma producing machine when I was already trying to recover. Even though she's been out of the picture for many months, it's taking so long to dump the associated baggage.

To the point where I can wake up energized and excited, and instantly discharge my battery the moment I log in.

I've not been pushing through the pain and brain fog for close to a month now. I clock out as soon as I feel I can't give it my best. Which has resulted in a lot of 15 minute days (goal is 2.5 hours). I'm not going to make much money this month. Since I got myself into debt to move away from mom, it's hard, but I really need to just pay the interest on those credit cards as the cost of getting well.

But today I figured it's time to start pushing again, just a little bit. I'm well enough to do that.

After about 30 minutes I hit a wall, so I clocked out and laid down for ten minutes. That helped me get another half hour done.

I do show huge signs of improvement. I just need to shake out these triggers so I can enjoy work again.

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn

Recovery is still going well, but it can be discouraging.

I started today with quite a bit of energy – my mornings before work can be like that. It's the first day in a very, very long time where I've felt excited about work and confident about myself as a professional. Really feeling like yeah, I can do this!

Then, as is typical lately, as soon as I clocked in, my energy levels plummeted.

At this point, I think work itself has become a trigger for me. Which makes sense, given that for years of being anxious, sick, and exhausted, I pushed myself through the pain and brain fog to produce work and clock hours.

It's upsetting to me, because this is my dream job, and this project is my dream project. I'm frustrated that I'd hoped to really enjoy every step of the way. Instead, it's been quite the opposite, mostly because I started this project the month my dad died, and mom became a stress and trauma producing machine when I was already trying to recover. Even though she's been out of the picture for many months, it's taking so long to dump the associated baggage.

To the point where I can wake up energized and excited, and instantly discharge my battery the moment I log in.

I've not been pushing through the pain and brain fog for close to a month now. I clock out as soon as I feel I can't give it my best. Which has resulted in a lot of 15 minute days (goal is 2.5 hours). I'm not going to make much money this month. Since I got myself into debt to move away from mom, it's hard, but I really need to just pay the interest on those credit cards as the cost of getting well.

But today I figured it's time to start pushing again, just a little bit. I'm well enough to do that.

After about 30 minutes I hit a wall, so I clocked out and laid down for ten minutes. That helped me get another half hour done.

I do show huge signs of improvement. I just need to shake out these triggers so I can enjoy work again.

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn