#actually-audhd — Public Fediverse posts
Live and recent posts from across the Fediverse tagged #actually-audhd, aggregated by home.social.
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#Journal of a sore and tired Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Wednesday, 19/08/2026).
Fortunately, I had been able to get some sleep this night. I know I needed it very much, after the very short and broken previous night. Around midnight, Koa woke me up, and let me know it was time for a potty break, followed by some food. So, I obeyed the dude's wishes, and got up. I let Koa out, and prepped his food. While he was eating, I got dressed. When Koa was finished, we got to the couch. I got my tablet out, and wrote a long reply email to my sweet friend.
When I finally finished the email, I took Koa out for a short walk. It was a rainy night. And nature needs the rain, but it makes the walkies a bit more challenging. When we got home, I fixed myself some brekkie, and I enjoyed it. After I finished, I wanted to start writing my journal Toot, but I remembered that I had not scheduled a blog post for today yet. And I didn't want to break the awesome daily posting streak that I've been able to keep going for so long...
I had already started working on a post, which made it easier for me to keep going to finish it. When I was finally done with it, it was time to start writing my journal Toot. My hands were getting tired, and the right one was getting more painful, so I had to take my time to be able to finish the Toot. But while I was writing, it was time to take Koa out into the rain again. I fed him when we got back, and then I got back to finishing the journal Toot. When it was done, I uploaded it to the usual places.
Then, I had a little time to try and relax. My body was still very sore. And whatever I tried, I kept feeling pain and discomfort... It didn't help that I was also still feeling rather tired. I tried to relax as best as I could, and I tried to walk a short round with Koa every now and then. Koa wasn't too pleased that we weren't walking bigger walks. I saw that he was eager to let out some of his pent up energy. So I texted our neighbor, asking if she would be willing and able to take Koa for a longer, and more challenging, walk.
Koa had just finished his meal when I received a text from her, letting us know she'd be able to walk with the dude. I made sure that the dude was all ready, and he was very excited when he saw the neighbor through the fence. They went out for their walk, and I was able to relax a bit on the couch.
I was just sorting my meds and bedtime supplements, when the dude came bouncing into the bathroom. He had some time in the closed off doggy pen, and apparently, he enjoyed a few minutes of very crazy zoomies there. I thanked my neighbor, and then took the pills. I relaxed for a little while, while I was waiting for Koa's breathing to calm down again. When it did, I got us both ready to head to bed.
Koa dozed off rather quickly, but I wasn't so lucky. It took me quite a while before I was able to doze off. And, of course, knowing my luck, I had just dozed off, when an annoying buzzing terrorist started doing zoomies around my head. Ugh... It took me a while again, before I was finally able to get some sleep. Koa woke me up after a while, needing a potty break. We both did our thing, and then went back to bed again. I was able to doze off again, and slept until Koa woke me a bit before midnight, informing me that it was time to go potty, followed by a nice meal. So, I got up, and we started our "day".
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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CW: Nothing really bad, just quite a bit of frustration... But it's a 6700 character Toot, so this should save some folks from scrolling too long 😇 CW on picture due to showing two week old scars with several stitches visible as well.
#Journal of a very stressed Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Tuesday, 18/08/2026).
Due to me waiting endlessly for my meds to be delivered, there wasn't much time for me to catch some sleep, until Koa would wake me up again for his pee, poop, and, of course, food. When I just dozed off, a buzzing terrorist 🦟 decided to hover around my head, making me very cranky. When I applied the deet, and turned on the UV swatter, it took a little while before I managed to doze off again. After just two hours, I woke up for the loo. I decided to take Koa out for a wee, and gave him some kibble (as I always do) when he went back to the crate. I had given him a little extra, hoping it would buy me some more time to sleep.
Unfortunately, Koa woke me up again around midnight. So, after about 4 hours of sleep in total, feeling like utter crap, I got up to start our "day". I let Koa out, and then I fixed his food. While Koa was enjoying his meal, I tried to get dressed. My hand was swollen enough to make it hurt more again, so getting dressed was a bit more challenging. When I was done, I had to make due with my short working meds, because I never received the ones I had been waiting on for so long... When Koa had finished his meal, and I took some of the meds available to me, we got to the couch.
I got my tablet out, and worked for a while to write a reply to my sweet friend's email. When I was finally done, as typing is still so slow these days, I took Koa out for a little walk. I fixed my brekkie after that, and then I started writing my journal toot. It was a harder one to write, as I still felt much of the stress and frustration of the previous day. I seemed to be typing for ages, and when I was finally done, I felt a bit of relief, in a way. But my hands also needed a proper rest. So, I tried to relax for a while, as best as my body was allowing it. And after a bit, it was time to take out Koa for a walk again.
When we got back, I fed the little monster, and made some food for myself. Unfortunately, my food made me feel so very nauseous all of a sudden, and I had to rush to the loo. So, besides feeling terribly sore all over, I now was feeling super nauseous as well. This was going to be a fun filled day...
I walked a short walk with Koa again, and then I tried to get a bit more relaxed. The message from the hospital said they'd call at 8:30, so of course I made sure to be ready for it. And, of course, the left me waiting till 8:50 before they finally called. Ugh, how I dislike people treating others that way... But I could have known, as I had dealt with this person before, and they left me waiting for ages before finally contacting me before as well.They started with some sort of apology about the confusion concerning my canceled appointments. I was supposed to receive a call last Friday, from the planning folks, where they should have explained that they made an error with the planning... But nope, they just deleted the appointments, and that was it... So I guess she never read my message properly, as I clearly stated that I had received no form of explanation... Ugh... The rest of the call was rather tedious, as it was the same stuff as after my previous hand surgery. Still the same comments of all I should be doing, and still the same resistance when I tried to explain to them, again, that due to how my brain communicates with my body, the standard things just won't work for me. They still pressed on about how I should at least try certain things... I stopped explaining that those things had not worked for me for all my life, so I doubted they would magically start working now... I just didn't have the spoons for this stuff...
The dreadful call lasted for half an hour. I was even more exhausted than before, when the line finally disconnected. Soon after that, my mum arrived, and we got ready for her to help me take a well needed shower. It was a bit of a hassle, but in the end, I did feel a bit better. I still don't like the sensation of the water, and it's even harder when you're not the one in control, but it was worth it to feel a bit more refreshed again.
When I finally managed to get dressed again, Koa was showing me he was a bit displeased with my lack of action. I should have walked with him after the phone call, but I really needed to shower first, to get that done. So, mum and I took Koa out for a little walk, which seemed to please the dude, so that was a plus. When we got back, mum wanted to get the vacuum out, as it had been two weeks since it was last done. I tried to gather some courage to make a phone call, as I had to find out what happened to the meds that I really needed. So, I made the call, and explained the situation. They told me they'd check, and then call me back. Which they did, a few minutes later. And it turned out, my meds had been delivered, sort of... They had put them in the mailbox! While I sat there, waiting... And while last year, when I had asked them if it were possible to get meds to the mailbox, as I could not be home all afternoon, since I needed to take Arwen out at times. And the man told me, with great conviction, that they were never allowed to do that, due to theft. They needed to deliver it to a person, answering the recipient's door... So yeah... Never believe what they tell ya, I guess... 🤔
So, I hung up, frustrated with yet another thing that just made no sense at all, and I went to the mailbox to get my meds, finally... When mum was ready, it was time for us to get to the car, and head to Cuijk for my physio. The session helped me to get a bit of relief in my right shoulder and back. Then, we headed back to Herpen. A quick pitstop at the supermarket. Then, mum took Koa for a little round over the field behind the house, while I put away the groceries, and then fixed Koa's meal.
I tried to eat a bit, as I was hungry, since I had not eaten anything since I became so nauseous and threw up after my morning meal. Koa and I relaxed a bit on the couch, with a bit of telly. As I was rather tired from all the happenings, and lack of decent sleep. So, I started to get everything ready to head to bed.
I woke up once to a buzzing terrorist. I applied some deet, turned on the UV swatter, and fell back asleep. Koa woke me up after a few hours for a potty break. And then, he allowed me to sleep some more hours. I got a little over 7 hours of sleep in total, which had been very welcome. So now, Koa and I got up to start our "day".Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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CW: A rather long journal Toot, as many things didn't go too well today... Nothing really triggering, just a long one... 😇
#Journal of a very stressed and exhausted Dutch AuDHD Pixy (Monday, 17/08/2026).
After a bit of a broken night, Koa and I got up to start our "day". I got dressed, fixed Koa's kibble, and took my meds. When Koa had finished with his meal, we got to the couch. I got my tablet, and started writing an email to my sweet friend. When I was done, Koa and I went for a short walk.
I fixed some brekkie when we got back. After that, I got my laptop, and wrote my journal Toot. After that, I finished up my journal blog post. I worked a little bit on a new post, but after all that typing, my hands were rather tired, and a tad sore. I tried to relax a little bit, before it was time to walk with Koa again.
After the walk, I fed the little bugger. I got back to the couch a little while, but my hip, back, and neck were causing me some discomfort. So getting some proper rest was not really possible. A little while later, I fixed myself some food. I went out with Koa again, and then I got ready to walk to the GP's office for my appointment. It was raining quite a bit, which was very good for nature, but made things a bit more challenging for me. When you only have one functioning hand, and you need to hold an umbrella.
I had set up the tablet again to keep an eye out on Koa, especially after what had happened last Friday. I wasn't able to watch the screen, as I could not hold the phone, due to the umbrella. But I could hear his barking. He did not bark continuously, but there was a bit of barking while I tried to walk to the GP. I had taken an extra painkiller, as I knew my back would not be too pleased with the longer walk.
I arrived at the office, and while it was grey, wet, and only 16°C, I was sweating like crazy. I tried to relax a bit, hoping my temperature would get a bit better. I tried to watch the video from the tablet, but it was a bit too dark to see Koa in the crate. I could hear him though, and thankfully, he seemed to get a bit calmer. It was almost 8, so I put away the phone, to make it easier to follow the GP when she called me in.
We had a good chat, where she informed me on some options when it comes to trying to manage my peri issues. And we talked a bit about my pain management, and my need for a new prescription for some painkillers. She send the pharmacy a new order for meds, and added that it should be delivered today. I thanked the GP, and got ready to brave the rain again.
When I got home, I was hoping to relax a wee bit, before the coach would come. But Koa let me know that he wanted out for a little walk. So, instead of some rest, I was back out in the rain again. We walked a short round, and on the way home, I saw the coach already parked. She was a bit early, and on the phone. Koa and I went inside, and a few minutes later, the doorbell rang. No rest for the wicked.
The coach and I discussed several things. She noticed that I was tired so we only did the necessary things. Then she offered me to walk with Koa so he could have a bit of exercise, and I could have a little bit of rest. After Koa came back home, the coach headed to her next appointment.
I felt rather broken, I was hurting all over, and the couch was not allowing me to rest properly. SD Koa had just been taken for a walk, I decided we'd get to the bedroom for a bit, so we could both try to relax a bit. It would be a longer day, as I should be getting my meds this afternoon.
I watched some series on my tablet, and Koa snoozed for a while. I found it hard to relax, as I was just so sore, and it seemed impossible to get comfortable. We got up again, I fixed Koa's meal, and after a bit of telly, I texted my coach and asked if she could help me. But there came no reply for quite a while, and I still needed the help. So, I texted a dear friend, explained the situation, and asked if she could help me. She said OK, and called the pharmacy to check if all went well, and that they would be delivering the meds this afternoon. I was very grateful that she wanted to check it for me. And glad that they said that the meds were on their way.
I also asked my friend if she could help with the issue I was having with the hospital. Where all of a sudden, they canceled all my scheduled hand therapy, and instead only gave me a phone appointment for an intake... I was so confused, as I had already started therapy on Friday morning. I had sent them a message through their app, and had not heard back yet. I shared all info with my friend, and she was OK to call the hospital for me the next day.
We were chatting while I was waiting for the meds. As it was getting later and later, I was getting worried that something was not right. I did receive a message from the hospital though. But, it was a bit weird. While it did give me a time when to expect the call, it referred to a message I supposedly had been sent by them. That message should contain some sort of explanation for the situation with the cancelation of my appointments. I checked all my emails, I checked every option in their app... But, I couldn't find that message anywhere... So that only brought me more annoyance. 😔
Time kept ticking away, and when it was 17:45, I was giving up the last bit of hope that I would be able to get my meds for the night. They had told my friend twice that the delivery was coming... Guess they forgot about me. My whole body was so sore. I was so tired. I had wasted my time, waiting for the meds, meaning there was less time left to get some sleep as after some time, I would need to get up, as Koa needed his routine when it comes to his meals.
I f got to bed, and my brain was such a mess due to the incompetence of the medical field today. So I wasted another precious hour, while I tried to get my brain calm enough to be able to doze off. Then, when I just dozed off, a buzzing terrorist 🦟 came at me. I was so frustrated with everything, that I ended up crying while I was applying some deet, and I turned on the UV fly fryer.
I woke up when a terrorist decided to commit suicide... That was one mosquito that would not be bugging me anymore. I went to the loo, took Koa out for a wee, and I gave him some kibble, hoping it would buy me some extra time to sleep... I dozed off again. Unfortunately, around midnight, Koa woke me up, ready to start his "day". So, with just over 4 hours of sleep, it was time to get up again. I wondered how I wad going to get through this day... Especially with that intake call, going to PT, and hopefully being able to finally get the meds I need...
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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#Journal of a sore Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Sunday, 16/08/2026).
We had an OK enough night. I guess we were both tired enough, especially Koa after his walk with the neighbors, and maybe Koa felt a bit better due to the painkiller, so we had been able to get a few hours of snoozing in. When we got up, we started our routine again. So, getting dressed, Koa getting fed, taking meds, and getting to the couch.
My thumb was rather sore, because it had swollen during the night, even though I had it elevated as best as I could. I opened the Velcro of the splint, to open it up a bit, so the flow could be restored a bit. But, it wasn’t enough, so I had to carefully take the splint off. I supported my arm and hand as best as I could, while it rested on my leg. I felt the tingling get less, and saw my thumb regain some of its normal size and color again. When it felt a lot better again came the painful struggle: to carefully get the splint back on my hand and arm. It’s a challenge to do with just one hand, as you can’t properly keep it open all the way to slide the thumb in, followed by the rest. It’s painful for sure, but not relieving the thumb from the fluids is even more painful.
When all that was done, I got my tablet, and started writing an email to my sweet friend. It took some time to get it all typed out, but it’s going better now, with the splint, than it did while I still had the cast. Guess it’s also partially due to my fingers being less painful now than several days ago. After the email, I took Koa out for a short walk.
We came back, and I fixed myself some brekkie. When I finished that, I started on writing my journal toot. My hands were a bit tired, so the typing took a bit longer now. But, I managed to finish it, and then I was done with typing for a bit. I walked another short round with Koa, and I fixed him his meal. Then, I got to the couch, and quickly tried to make my blog post for today. When I scheduled it, my hands were a tad tired. So, I tried to relax for a bit with some telly.
Koa wanted to go out again, and his wish is my command (when it’s a reasonable wish), so we headed out and went for a walk. Koa had a good time, so that was a plus. But, while we were heading back home again, Koa spotted a butterfly, and… He tried to rush after it. Which caused a big jolt on the leash, which caused a pain to shoot through my back, shoulders, neck, and hand. So, when we got back home, Koa went into his crate, and I went to bed with my tablet. Not to sleep, but to, hopefully, have my body relax a bit after the “butterfly incident”.
After a little time, Koa got restless, so I figured that this was all the rest I was going to get, and I got up again. I loaded the washing machine, and went outside to play a bit with Koa and his ball. He played a bit, got in some running and jumping, and then we went back in. He wasn’t too pleased that I went upstairs without him for a while. Hanging out the laundry goes a little slow when one hand can’t properly help out. So when I got back downstairs, Koa behaved like I left him alone for ages.
I walked Koa again, and then I fixed myself some food. When I was done, it was time to feed Koa. We relaxed for a little while, which Koa didn’t agree with. But, he settled down a bit, and after a little while, food had settled enough, and we could take a little walk. When we got back, I took my meds and prepped things for bedtime. I was still rather sore from Koa and his love for trying to snatch butterflies…
I had prepared everything for bed. Koa and I went to the garden, in case he needed a last wee or poop before going into his crate. It took a while for me to be able to relax enough to doze off. I woke up for a potty break, and took Koa out after that. It took him a little time to settle down after that, and when he finally relaxed, I tried to get back to sleep again as well.
When Koa woke me up again, I still felt so tired. But Koa was sure about wanting to get up, so, I got out of bed so we could start our “day”.
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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I also understand why some autistics break down crying when in meltdown. I experience intense anger to the point of rage, at times. Underneath that anger and rage is profound grief. Likely owing to a history of trauma, I don't grieve easily. And so the rage is typically rhe dominant emotion. My resistance to/difficulty experiencing grief sometimes compounds contemporary as more trauma.
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I *FINALLY* understand why we tend to self-harm. Our senses can become so overwhelmed that the only way to manage them is buy causing intense localized discomfort to force us to focus ourselves to a far smaller set of sensory inputs. In that way, self-harm is a form of sensory-deprivation, as counter-intuitive as that may seem.
I realize that I have had these kinds of behaviors, in different forms, almost my entire life.
The more I reflect on the entirety of my life, the more past autistic experiences and behaviors reveal themselves. Back then, what I lacked was the autistic frame of reference. After all, I was diagnosed at age 50.
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#Journal of a worried Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Saturday, 15/08/2026).
After the busy and long Friday, it had taken a little time before I was relaxed enough to fall asleep. First, I was woken up by a buzzing terrorist. Then, I was woken up by Koa. He was panting at times, licking the front paw that they had drawn the blood from for the titer testing, and at times, he gave a small whine. It was clear to me that he wasn't feeling too well. I took him outside, and then I sat in front of the crate for a while, to try and calm him down again. I tried to check his paw, and I could not see or feel anything wrong with it, After a while, Koa dozed off, and I went back to bed.
We managed to get some sleep, but it was obvious Koa was not a happy puppy.We got up, and started our "day", and we did the usual things. But, Koa seemed a bit more clingy than usual. He would sometimes start panting, or give some sad whines. I could not find anything that could be upsetting him, so I wondered if the stuff they had put into his ears the previous day was bothering him now.
I wrote an email to my sweet friend. Then I took Koa out for a short walk. He seemed to be doing everything as usual, so that was a bit of a relief. We got back, I had some brekkie, and then I did my best to write my journal toot, which was a rather long one, by the time I finally finished, My hands were tired after all the typing, so I put away the tablet. I tried to relax for a little while, before it was time to take Koa out for another little walk.
We got back, and I fixed Koa some food. I was still worried, as he didn't seem too happy. And I was having flashbacks about the times Arwen dealt with her ear infections. How she never wanted to show me how she was hurting, because with the infections she had, she must have been in pain. But then, she also didn't want me to know about the tumor near her heart. I struggled with those flashback, started crying every now and then. Heck, even typing this now has brought me to tears again. Stupid trauma...
When it was a little after 9, I called the vet. I was on hold for a while. When I got someone on the line, I explained the behavior that Koa had been showing me. Because they weren't sure what was going on, they offered me the last free spot of the morning, at 11:45. When I hung up, I called my neighbor. I explained the situation, and she agreed to drive us in Skoosh. I was so grateful, as it meant that I could have Koa checked out again, before the weekend.
I tried to get through the morning as best as I could. When it was almost time, I took out Koa for a wee, before we had to go. He wasn't interested in a pee, so I tried to get him settled in the car, so we'd be ready when the neighbor came. When she saw Koa was seated and on his belt, she came to the car. She settled in the driver's seat, and off we went to the vet.
We had to wait a little bit, and in that time, the neighbor managed to get Koa on the scale. He was around 22 kilos now. Getting bigger and bigger... The vet called us in, and I told her about Koa's behavior. She checked everything, and, fortunately, she could not find anything wrong with him. Which lead to the conclusion that it was probably due to his ears that he was not feeling too well. Yesterday, they had prodded in his ears, put in the medicine ointment/lotion/something. So his ears must be more irritated and more sensitive now, which is probably causing his discomfort. He got a 24-hour painkiller shot, which should hopefully help him to get past it, giving some time for his ears to settle down again.
I was glad for the help, and also glad that the bill was less high than I was expecting it to be. The neighbor had gone outside with Koa, and she was on the phone when I got out. When she hung up, she told me that her son and his GF had offered to take Koa for a nice walk when we got back. So, when we got back, she took Koa home, and he went for a long walk with the "kids" (they're both adults and strong enough to handle him).
I tried to relax a bit, until they brought back my dude. He was all worn out, but he looked happy. I thanked the "kids", and gave Koa his meal. It took some time for Koa's breathing to settle down a bit. When his breathing was more relaxed again, I got everything ready so we could head to bed. It took a little time for me to get comfortable. I heard that Koa was snoozing, so I felt more at ease. And then I dozed off.
I woke up a few hours later, I went to the loo, and took Koa outside for a bit. Then, we went back to bed. And, I guess that Koa was feeling a bit better, as he allowed to sleep some more until I woke up again. I saw the time, and knew that it was time to get up. So, I got up, and opened Koa's crate, so he and I could start our "day" together.
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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CW: Nothing really too bad, but a rather long journal Toot, as it's been quite a busy and long day. Saves some folks from scrolling too much. 😇 Photo is CW'd due to fresh scars and stitches.
#Journal of a tired and slightly worried Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Friday, 14/08/2026).
I had been hoping for a good long sleep, but as mum came later than planned, and it took me a while to doze off, I had slept a little less than I needed. When I woke up for the loo, I saw the time, and new that I had to take over from mum, so she could get enough sleep to drive us around the next day. So, I got up, and mum could go to bed.
I took my meds and fed the little dude. Then, we got to the couch. I got my tablet out, and started writing my email to my sweet friend. It took me a while, but I managed to finish it and send it. I took Koa out for a little walk. When we got back, I fixed myself some brekkie. When I was finished, I got started on my journal toot. The cast was bothering me some, and it was a bit of a challenge to get the journal bit done.
When I was finally done with all the typing, I put away the tablet, and I tried to relax a bit. After some time, I took Ko out for another short walk. I fixed him some food, and then we tried to relax a bit. Mum got up, and when she was done, we took Koa out for a longer walk. Then, I set up the tablet to spy on Koa, and mum and I headed to the hospital.
It was good that I was watching the cam, as I saw Koa being in huge distress. I had never seen him act this way. He was trying with all his might to open the crate door. He was acting so panicky that I got all upset. Fortunately, mum was able to turn around and head back home. We realized that Koa had not gotten himself something to drink before we left, so I rushed inside, and grabbed a bowl with water as fast as I could. I opened the crate, offered the bowl, and as Koa was drinking, he seemed to relax a bit. I gave him some cuddles, I offered some more water, and when Koa didn't want any more, I cuddled him some more. Then, I had to leave him again, as we needed to head to the hospital.
I was still a bit anxious, and I kept checking on the camera as much as I could. But, Koa seemed more settled down, which eased some of my anxiety and worries. We got to the hospital, and checked in. We were a bit early, so there was some time to spend in the waiting room. Unfortunately, there was someone already there who could not keep their foot still. They were constantly wiggling their foot, and it drove me nuts. I tried to turn away from it, which made the uncomfortable chairs even more painful to sit on. When I finally got called in, it was such a relief. All that wiggling, and those bad chairs, it was eating away my short stack of spoons.
The ergo therapist cut away my cast, and then, she started working on making me a plastic splint. It took some efforts and some time, and my hand felt rather sore when she was finally done. My fingers were still rather cold and numb, so when I got to the next appointment, the physio one, my fingers were painful, and not willing to really cooperate. I tried to get the exercises done, but it hurt so much, as my fingers were rather unresponsive. I got a bit annoyed with both myself, and with the therapist, as she didn't really understood how my body worked. It's the same issues that I had after my last hand surgery. Because the way my body works, the way I experience sensation and pain, I'm not "according to textbook". Which means that, when I object to their reasoning, they see me as stubborn more than that they accept that I am not "just" an average person that they see every day.
I was very glad when we were able to head home. I checked on the camera, and saw that the crate was empty. Which meant that Koa was now enjoying some excellent care from our neighbor. Mum and I made a pitstop at the store, and then quickly headed home. Mum got ready to head back home, as did the neighbor. I thanked them both. And then, I got to the couch for a bit, as I was so exhausted. And we still had the vet appointment in the afternoon. It was already getting very hot, so I was a bit worried about the vet visit this afternoon, knowing the friend that was driving us didn't have aircon in her car.
Koa and I tried to relax for a little while. But it was hard for me to really relax. I was a bit afraid that I would fall asleep, and then not be ready in time to feed Koa, and to get to our friends for the vet visit. So, when my friend, and her son, got here, I was out of spoons, and I did my best to keep going.
The ride was super hot, and I was afraid it would be too warm for Koa. I felt so sorry for the dude, being in that hot car. When we got to the vet, we had to wait a little bit. I still find it hard to go to the vet, cause every time, I get triggered to that last visit with Arwen. Especially when one of the vets made the comment that they loved to see the dogs come in, wagging their tail. I had to focus so hard not to burst out in tears, as the last vet visit with Arwen, when she was suffering so much, she still wagged her tail when she went inside. I shared a blog post about that in November, and it was one of the hardest posts that I had every written.
They started with checking Koa's ears. It took the vet, an assistant, and my friend to keep Koa still enough for them to check his ears. They didn't like how Koa reacted, so just to be sure, they took a swab from each ear, as they suspected Koa's yelping reaction was because of some sort of infection. They took the swabs to be checked, and indeed, Koa has an infection in both ears. I got another flashback, and I tried to push the tears away again. But, the "good" news was, that his kind was less severe, and hopefully easier to treat, than the infections that Arwen had.
Next up, they drew some blood, for the titer test. As they were with three adults now, the drawing of blood went a lot better than last time. After waiting some more, they had a good outcome for us. All vaccinations were totally OK. They had to give Koa his meds for his ears, which needed to be squeezed into them. The crying that Koa did while they did that, heck, I was crying a bit now. When all was done, I paid (there goes my money...), and we scheduled a follow up appointment to check on his ears.
The drive home was even warmer than the drive there. As glad and grateful I was for my friend driving, I was also glad to be back home, and that Koa would be able to relax and cool off again. I slowly prepared everything so Koa and I could go to bed. It was already a bit later than usual, and the day had left me so incredibly exhausted.
It took a little while to get comfortable. I had finally dozed off, and slept for a little while, when a buzzing terrorist decided to wake me up. I tried to fall asleep again, and there the buzzing idiot was again... I used some deet on my hands and head, and I activated the UV fly "swatter". After a bit of time, I heard some buzzing, and then a big crack. One of the buzzing beats was no more. I managed to fall asleep again. When I woke up for the loo, I took Koa out as well. When he got back to his crate, and I got back to bed, he was a bit restless. So, I sat with him for a while, until he calmed down.
I got back to sleep, and woke a bit when another buzzing terrorist fried himself, and I dozed off again. When I woke up again, I was a bit shocked by the time. I wondered why Koa had not woken me up yet, as it was past his food time. So, I quickly got up, let Koa out, prepped his food, and I took my meds, Then, we started our "day".
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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#Journal of a tired and sore Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Thursday, 13/08/2026).
After a bit better night, as I had been so tired of the previous bad night, and dealing with all the pain from the cast, I had been tired enough for some hours of sleep. When Koa woke me up again, it was time for us to get up, and start our "day". I fixed Koa's meal, took my meds, and got dressed. When Koa finished his meal, we got to the couch.
I used my tablet to write an email to my sweet friend. I am still annoyed that typing goes so slowly. Every few sentences, I need to wiggle my cast a little, as it seems to move some when I use my right hand to type. But then, it does the same thing when I try to sleep, so I don't think the typing is the bad thing here. When I finished the email, I took out Koa for a short walk. When we came back, I fixed some brekkie, and tried to enjoy it.
Ever since I got the new cast, I had been feeling more nauseous again. I thought of all the reasons, and one of them, was the chemical smell of the new cast. I held it under my nose, and yeah... It was not pleased at all with the smell of it. So, I tried to keep the cast away from my nose as I was eating, which seemed to help a little.
After food, I tried to relax a bit on the couch, while I was slowly making progress with the journal Toot typing on my phone. I was annoyed with the stupid typos. How can one make so many of them, while typing at a snail speed? Ugh... Bit by bit, I managed to finish up the toot. When I was done, I took Koa out for another short walk.
Koa got a nice meal when we got back, and I tried to relax a bit, as my whole body seemed to be against me this morning. Muscle aches in several places, making several of my joints make annoying, and painful, cracking noises. The ones in my neck were so awful,they sometimes made me see sparkles. But I felt so worn out, so broken and beaten. I knew that raising a puppy would be a challenge. But, first the herniated disc, thanks to the puppy, and now, before the disc had time to properly heal, this surgery...
It's been several months since I had my last decent night, I've not felt rested for so long now. I keep saying that I am doing the best I can, but I'm struggling with the fact that, at this moment, my best is about 35% of what it used to be. And I know I am ot doing that badly at all. But it's just been too much for too long, and my body is protesting it.
After another walk with Koa, I spent some more time on the couch. But, my body was very displeased with me, and in the end, Koa and I went to the bedroom, where he got a snack he loved, and I tried to get comfortable with a series on my tablet. It helped a bit for my back and neck, my hand was still annoying me.
Mum texted that she would be coming later than planned, because she had issues with her hearing aid, and that needed to be fixed before she could come this way. I walked a short round with Koa, gave him his meal, and then we went back to bed. I tried to fall asleep, but my hand would not allow me to get comfortable enough. So by the time mum was finally here, I had not slept a wink.
I got mum settled and went back to bed. Unfortunately, it still took a while before I could finally doze off. I woke up once for the loo. When I woke up again, I would have liked to get some more sleep if I could. But, when I saw the time, I knew I had to get up. Mum needed to get some time to sleep, I needed to take my meds, and... Some little brown dude was very interested in filling up his belly a bit. So, I got up, and I started my "day". It was going to be a longer one, as my friend was going to help me to get Koa for a vet visit in the afternoon. But first, I have an appointment for hand therapy and, if I am lucky, the cast will be replaced with a temporary plastic splint, which should be a bit more comfortable... Or so I hope... Hey ho, let's do this!
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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Sometimes I think the reason why I am not horribly addicted to all those chatbots is my ND trauma.
I have very strong negative reactions when someone praises me, so the bot sycophancy had the inverse effect on me, a sort of inoculation. -
#Journal of a very pained Dutch AuDHD Pixy (Wednesday, 12/08/2026).
After a difficult night, with loads of waking up due to my hand being so painful due to bad tingling, I woke up when Koa told me it was really time to get up. He had been an angel during the night, and now my body made sure I couldn't sleep. This was so unfair. But Koa had been a good boy, and he'd been in the crate for a while, so I got up as quickly as I could, to take care of my little dude.
Koa was fed, meds were taken, and we got to the couch. I used my tablet to write an email to my sweet friend. When I was done, I took out Koa for a short walk. I made some brekkie, and then I used my phone to write my journal Toot. It took me quite a while, as my hand kept getting these tingles but now, every now and then, there were some "shooting" pains that ran through me thumb. And they were so incredibly painful, they brought me to tears. I knew then that I had to call the hospital in the morning, and get them to check out the cast. I was sure that the cold fingers, the painful tingling, the pain streaks, that they were caused by my cast being too tight in some places.
The night seemed to go so slowly. I hate phone calls, but I was getting more eager by the hour, as my hand was getting more difficult to deal with, with every moment passing. I was worried both for the increasing pain, and about being able to get to the hospital, should they agree to see me. So when it was around 7, I first texted my neighbor, explaining the situation, asking if she could drive me to the hospital with Skoosh, should I get an appointment. Unfortunately, she wasn't feeling well, and didn't dare to drive now, let alone in a car that's not her own I texted my mum, but there was a chance that she would not have the car. And I texted a good friend.
Mum texted me back first, saying she had the car, and if I knew when I could come in, I should call, and she'd come. Just after that, my friend texted that she would be able to drive me as well, should mum not be able after all. So, I was comforted by that, and counting the minutes until I could call the hospital.
I called, waited a little while, explained my situation, and they connected me to the casting department. Nope, I wasn't going to be in a show. 😉 The other type of cast. I explained the situation again, told them that I was experiencing quite a bit of pain. I was hoping they'd tell me to come in as soon as I had a ride. But nope, they had two times for me: 12 and 13:30. When I hung up, it was 8:45, and I already burst out in tears every now and then, when a flash of pain shot through my thumb. It was so bad at times, that even Koa came to lick my tears, and give me a cuddle (before he started his nibbles again).
I walked with Koa, had some food, watched some telly, and cried from time to time. Those hours until my mum came seemed to go even slower than the ones during the night. When mum came, she and I walked Koa together. I set up my tablet with the camera cam, and crated Koa with a few snacks. Then, mum drove me to the hospital, while I was checking on Koa on my phone. Koa barked just a few times, and then he seemed to quickly settle down. I didn't monitor him all the time while we were in the waiting room. But what I saw, made me rather proud. And heck, I needed that.
The wait in the hospital was so bad. I could not properly breathe away the pain anymore. I was so stressed that people without pain got called in again and again, and I was there, waiting while suppressing the anxiety that I had now. So much pain, some anger over the longer wait, and the worries over my fingers losing feeling. I was sweating like crazy, and really struggling to keep it together as much as I could. When I got called in, I almost stumbled over because I was so dizzy.
The cast specialist did his best to comfort me, but I was way passed that. I just needed that relief so badly. I needed to get warm hands again. To feel my fingers properly again. For the tingling to buzz off. And for the pain flashes to stop shooting through my thumb. When the cast got cut open, instead of feeling relief, I felt an increase of pain, and I panicked. All night and all morning, I had been looking forward to get to the moment where all these symptoms I just mentioned would just easily flow away when the pressure of the cast was taken off. And when this didn't happen, I freaked out. So the cast man had some work to do to get me breathing properly again. Ugh, I felt a bit ashamed of how badly I was handling this. But I had been in pain for about 18 hours, which has slowly gotten worse until the point of me not being able to handle it properly anymore.
After some time, I was calm enough for the specialist to provide me with a new cast. Mum and I headed home, with a pitstop at the supermarket. When we get home, Koa was still such a good boy. But when I released him, he got over-excited and threw my drink on the floor. Fortunately, mum was able to quickly clean it up. After that, mum walked a bit with Koa, while I made his meal. Mum went back home, while Koa was enjoying his meal.
I slowly got everything ready for bed, as I had taken my meds, and my hand finally started to feel a bit better. Koa and I went to bed, where I watched a little on my tablet, before I was relaxed enough to try and get some sleep. After a while I dozed off. I woke up a few times, and took Koa out once. When he woke me up again, I was still tired. But my body was rather sore, so it was time to get up, and take my meds. So, we got up, and Koa and I started our "day".
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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CW: Nothing bad really, except for some trauma and pain. But it's a <7k journal Toot, so it saves some people from scrolling too long. 😇
#Journal of a very sore and emotional Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Tuesday, 11/08/2026).
After all the stress of the Monday afternoon, I had a shorter night than I had hoped for. But I understood that it was time for Koa to get out of the crate, and to enjoy a nice meal. Afterall, he had been snoozing already while I was stressing over getting my meds before the pharmacy would close. And then, waiting for them to be delivered. Ah well, after all these months of being tired, exhausted even, what's another short and crappy night. So, at the command of my hairy idiot, I got up, and we started our "day".
I let Koa out, got dressed, fixed Koa's kibble, took my meds (as I had them now, yay), and then I got to the couch. I grabbed the laptop, and wrote an email to my sweet friend. I still felt very numb. And I kept starting to cry every few minutes. I'm just so lost and I have all these fears and doubts. What happened with me and Koa, it still haunts me. Everyone I've talked with, they all tell me that I didn't react as bad as I feel about it. And I know that these people would not be dishonest about that to me, as they know how important honesty is for me, even if it's bad news.
I finished the email to my sweet friend, and then I took Koa out for a short walk. When we got back, I fixed some brekkie. Then I started writing my journal Toot. I did it on my phone, as my back was sore from leaning forward to the laptop and I had to lay down for a bit. My back, neck, and shoulder muscles were giving me such a hard time. I was really hoping that later today, my physio would be able to make things better. Even the slightest improvement would make a big difference, or so I hoped...
When I had finished my journal and uploaded it to the usual places, it was time to try and work on a blog post for Wednesday, as I was all out... And I really don't want to lose my 6-year streak. I had already started on a post, so fortunately it was less work to finish it. I really hope that, when the painful cast is taken off, and I'll get the temporary plastic splint, it will then become easier for me to type.
I walked again with the furball, and then I fixed food for him. I tried to relax a bit, after I'd been typing most of the night. My silly bursts of tears were becoming a bit less frequent, which was good, as I didn't want to be all sobby when mum would take me to physio. I fixed myself some food. After a nice meal, I had to rinse off the artificial grass. I can't leave that too long, especially with the warmer, sunny weather as the grass needs to stay proper for as long as possible. It's too expensive for me to replace it every now and then. It really needs to last for as many years as possible. So, I need to stay on top of it.
It was a challenge to keep my cast dry, and to not be jumped over by the nutty Lab. It's already difficult when you have two working hands... Having only one, not even a very good one, and needing to keep the cast dry... I'll be very happy when I can use both my hands again. 😊
I was watching some telly, while cooling the cast and skin around it, as it was itching like crazy, when mum texted me that she was on her way. When she arrived, we chatted for a while, and I started crying again. Telling her what had happened, and how awful I was feeling. 😢 When it was almost time to get ready to head to physio, mum and walked with the brown idiot. After that, we got to the car, and we headed to Cuijk.
And seeing how mum is driving these days, it makes me worry that an accident is going to happen at some point. 😢 She made a mistake on a roundabout, one she'd made before, and one that's dangerous to make. I yelled at her, as she freaked me out with that action. Just like how I freaked out last time she did that. But there are so many little things that she used to do do much better, that I really worry about her being on the road like that. But, I was honest and I told her. I know it must have been difficult for her to hear. But if she drives as insecure as she does now, it really worries me.
We got to physio a bit early. We waited and even Koa was doing a great job. When it was my turn, my PT got me a massage on my back and shoulders. It was rather painful, but he did his best to loosen up the tight muscles. When he was done, and I got up, I was dizzy for a bit. Then mum and I headed back home again. This time I gave her a slightly different route, that would hopefully be less stressful.
Mum got us back home. She took Koa for a wee on the dry, grassy field, and then she quickly had to head home for another appointment. I fixed Koa's meal, and tried to eat a bit myself. But, I got nauseous after a few bites, so I put the snack away. I watched some telly, and then my neighbor texted she was coming to pick up Koa for a nice walk. Koa got all excited, and it was a challenge to get his leash on. So I let him greet the neighbor, and then we put the leash on. Without looking back, he was off on a nice adventure.
I took my meds, and just relaxed watching telly. The neighbor and Koa came back and he was worn out all the way. She told me they had a good walk, and he seemed to enjoy it tremendously. The neighbor left, Koa drank away all he could, and I got things ready to head to bed. I was hoping to get some decent sleep tonight, as I really needed it badly.
Koa was exhausted, he had his snack and a drink, and he just let himself crash. He was still panting, and while I was reading, hoping to doze off, I also kept listening, hoping Koa's breathing would calm down. When I heard him being more relaxed, I dozed off. Unfortunately, I woke up again about half an hour later, as my hand was tingling, which hurt rather annoyingly. It took some time for my hand to find a position that helped it to stop hurting.
I dozed off again. But I kept waking up so often, as in my sleep, my arm would turn a wee bit, and it felt like the cast was pressing against a nerve, that kept triggering the tingling. At one point, it was so bad, that it took almost two hours before my hand stopped hurting too much, and I was finally able to fall asleep again. I still woke up several times. But I was amazed that Koa let me try to sleep for so long. I almost felt like he understood that I needed some sleep to feel a bit better again.
I will need to contact the hospital in the morning, to ask them about this. It hurts so much when the tingling is happening. And sometimes, it feels like my thumb is experiencing little spasms. I will need to contact the neighbor first, because if they want me to come in (which I am hoping for, as I don't want to deal with this for two more nights - and when it happens during the day), I hope that she can command Skoosh to get us to the hospital (and back again of course). Let's see what the new day will bring...
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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CW: My journal Toot, where I discuss something I'm ashamed of 😢
#Journal of a very ashamed Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Monday, 10/08/2026).
The "day" started as usual, with Koa waking me up, while I could have used some more sleep. We got up, and did our normal routine. After that, I got to the couch, grabbed my laptop, and started an email to my sweet friend.
After some time, my bowels started to hurt. They always shut down for a few days after I've had anesthesia. And this pain meant I had to run to the loo. While I was "dealing with it", Koa came very happily to the loo. In his mouth, he had a bit of broken cable. I started to freak out, as there aren't many places where he could have gotten it. When I was finally done, Koa rushed to his bed, and started chewing some more. I saw what it was, and I saw red. And, I whacked him. This scared the heck out of both me and him. Koa rushed to the crate, and I quickly closed it.
I was so shocked, so angry, so disappointed, so disgusted with my own behavior. I sat in front of the crate for 15 minutes, rocking myself, crying, trying to make sense of it all. I saw Koa looking at me through the wires of the crate. His eyes made me cry some more, I felt so terribly bad. When I calmed down a bit, I opened the crate. Koa slowly started to climb onto my legs, and then began licking my tears. I cried, tried to hug him as best as I could, tried to calm down. And while my tears were being "kissed" away, while I was stroking his fur, holding him tight, I felt so numb. And this scared me as well...
Why didn't I feel anything? Why was it like I was dead inside? These feelings, these questions, they would keep me occupied for most of the day...
After some time, Koa was done with the whole cuddling thing. He left me, and I got up, and headed back to the couch. I wrote my email, mostly about everything that had just happened. When I was done, I took Koa for a walk. Hoping some fresh air would help me.
When we got back, I fixed myself some brekkie. Then, I tried to write up my journal Toot. It took me a while, as I was so overwhelmed with the previous events. When I was finally done, I put the laptop away and I tried to relax for a bit. Then, another short walk with Koa. I made him some food, and tried to distract myself with some more telly.
I felt like crap, and every few minutes, I started crying again. I was still so overwhelmed, so depressed, so confused. I tried to "just" keep going. Fortunately, after a while, the crying became a bit less. I walked with Koa again, and then I waited for the coach to come.
When she did, she helped me to call the GP about getting some meds. It was hard, especially when she forced me to talk, I felt so incredibly uncomfortable and stressed. In the end, she offered to take Koa for a walk. Which was very nice, as it gave me a wee bit of time to relax. When they got back, she left for her next appointment. Koa took a little time to unwind, and when he did, we were able to relax a bit together.
After some time, I fixed him some food. We went out for a last time, and we got ready for bed. I was hoping to get my new meds delivered in the afternoon, so I tried to stay awake to not miss the doorbell. I also checked my phone many times. And then, around 15:45, the GP called me. I started to stress, but they said they had approved the meds request. When I asked about the delivery of them, they said they added that it should be delivered today. But, as they usually deliver between 14-16, and it was almost 16, I started to freak out. The GP told me to call the pharmacy, so some more freaking out was happening.
I managed to call the pharmacy, and they said they never received the receipt, so they could not deliver. And... I had to call the GP about it. More freaking out, I was crying, rocking myself. This was just too much, and I was too exhausted. I managed to explain it to the GP office, and they promised to try and get the meds to me today. Ugh... I was so exhausted, but tried to stay awake to not miss the doorbell. And... When it finally rang, I felt such a relief.
I let Koa out, and then we both went to bed. It didn't take too long for me to doze off. After a little less than 5 hours, Koa woke me up. We went outside, he did his things, and we went back to bed. Koa allowed me almost two more hours until he woke me up again, telling me he'd been in the crate long enough. Which I totally understand, as he's been in there all the time while I was waiting for the meds. So, with just over 6½ hours of sleep in total, feeling very groggy and doozy, I got up, and we started our "day".
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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Question for my fellow #ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyADHD #ActuallyAuDHD folks:
Are you able to consistently engage online with communities that you *want* to be a part of, like for a hobby, a special interest, or a guild for a multiplayer game? If yes: how?
I find myself either hyperfocusing on a community and then not doing anything else, forgetting that it exists while I engage with my hobbies alone, or needing so much alone time that almost any kind of social interaction seems too much. -
#Journal of a Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Sunday, 09/08/2026).
I didn’t have the worst night, as at least I got a few hours of sleep. But when I got up, I still felt so very tired, and so extremely sore. I am struggling to keep going. It’s just been too much lately, and there has been no real chance of any recovery, before the next thing hit. But yeah, it was time to get up and start the “day”.
I got dressed, took my meds, and prepped Koa's food. When he was finished, we got to the couch, where I got my laptop. I started writing my email to my sweet friend
Typing went slow and was a little painful at times. But, I managed to write a bit of a decent mail, and I sent it. Then, I fixed some brekkie.After my meal, I took Koa for a short walk. Then I got back to my laptop, where I worked hard on my journal Toot. I really annoy myself with the lack of speed, and the amount of typos. It just feels like writing the Toot is taking ages, and so many spoons. But, after some grumbling, I managed to finish the Toot. I uploaded it to all the usual places. Then it was time to put away the laptop.
I walked again with the furball, and then I made him some food. After that, I made some food for myself. I was glad that I didn't feel as nauseous as I'd done the previous days. After some food, I tried to relax a bit. I had a slight, but very annoying, headache. By back was killing me. Me left shoulder was still so painful. I have no idea what happened to it. It was OK before the surgery. But ever since I came home again, it's been so terribly painful. So I really hoped that I could unwind a bit while watching some telly.
I walked with Koa again, and then we went to the garden. I got the nozzle, so I could hose down the grass again. Of course, when the little monster saw me with it, it meant I had to be really careful. I managed to keep Koa at bay, while hopefully having rinsed the artificial green well enough. I tried to dry off the maniac, and then I needed some dry pants.
After that, I tried to get some more relaxing in. But, the way my body and brain feel like at the moment, I just can't seem to unwind. I keep feeling pain, I'm so uncomfortable all the time, I'm tired of being exhausted, and I'm really struggling with my emotions. It's just been too much, too long, and I've pushed myself to the edge of the void... And, the way I've been feeling lately, I've had thoughts of just jumping in and leaving everything behind. Ugh...
I tried to distract myself from these thoughts and feelings. Took Koa out for a little walk, and then we waited on a good friend to come by. She was bringing some groceries, as unfortunately I was in no state to get them. I had hoped to have been able to walk to the store, but since my left shoulder was so bad, I wasn't able to carry a backpack properly. So thankfully, my dear friend was able to help me out.
When she arrived, we put away the groceries. After that, we took Koa for a little walk. It was already rather hot, so we took a path with the most shade. Koa got his sniffs in, and his business done. When we got back, I started preparing things for bedtime. Our friend left, and Koa and I went to bed. I watched a bit of a series on my tablet first. Then, I switched to my book. Koa wanted out so I got up again. When we went back to bed, it didn't take me too long to fall asleep.
I woke up once more as Koa wanted to go out again. I was able to sleep a bit more, until Koa woke me up, again. I still felt so tired, but... I got up, and we started our "day".
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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CW: Nothing bad, just a >5k journal Toot... Saves some folks from a bit of scrolling. 😉
#Journal of a slightly improving Dutch Pixy :pixy_party: (Saturday, 08/08/2026).
Finally, after two very crappy nights, where there was a lot of discomfort, and very little sleep, I had a night with some more decent hours of sleep. First I got five hours, and then Koa woke me up for a potty break. We went back to bed after that, and he allowed me two more hours of sleep, before he was done with being in the crate, and eager for a nice meal. So, after about 7 hours of sleep, while I could have used a few more to catch up, we got up and started our “day”.
I got dressed, took my meds, and fixed a meal for my dude. We got to the couch, and I got my laptop. I started my email to my sweet friend, which took some time to write. When I was finally done, I fixed myself some brekkie. After that, Koa and I had a short walk, and we got back to the couch. I started on my journal toot, which took some time to write as well. I usually enjoy writing my journal, but the last few days, it’s taken so many spoons… You’d think that typing would be an easier thing, but with a cast and all… Nope…
When I finished the journal, and I uploaded it to all the right places, I finally put away the laptop. I took Koa for another short walk, and then I tried to relax for a bit on the couch. After some time, I fixed Koa some food. I was burping some from my brekkie, but I was also feeling rather hungry, as I had not eaten very much the previous days, due to being so nauseated all the time. So when Koa was done with his meal, I prepped some food for myself. I also took one of the pills that should help to reduce the nauseous bits and bops, as I really needed to get some food in me.
I enjoyed the meal, and fortunately, the amount of reflux and burping was a lot less than it had been the previous few days. I took Koa for another short walk, and I texted the neighbor if she would be interested in taking Koa for another long walk again today. Then, I got the nozzle of the water hose, and I tried to clean the grass as best as I could, without being trampled by my wild beast. Of course, I could not film it, as I only had one hand, and it was hard enough to rinse the grass without being jumped against… But I think I managed to give it a wee bit of a rinse, and then I tried to fill up the blue shell some more.
Koa was having a great time, and in the end, I’m not sure who was wetter, him or me. Fortunately, I managed to keep my cast dry. I tried to dry off the beast, and he kept rubbing against my legs, so my pants were in need of some drying as well. I switched clothes, and then I grabbed Koa’s shark toy. I threw it in the Koa pool, and he immediately took it out, and started running around like an idiot. He almost waltzed me over once. I tried to capture a little vid of him having fun, as it had been a while since I took a video or some snaps of him.
The neighbor texted a time when she and her son would be coming over to pick up Koa. I walked a short round with him, as he indicated that he needed to go out. So we did just that, and then I watched telly, while I told Koa to relax and chill, as he would be getting a good walk soon, with possibly a bit of running as well.
Koa got picked up for his walk, and I tried to relax a bit on the couch. It was nice to just be able to lie down and watch telly, without being disturbed by a silly, attention seeking, doggo. I do love that stupid beast, but sometimes, I just need him to relax and not keep “bothering” me. I wanna be there for him, and I do my best to provide him with all I can. Heck, I even ask my neighbors to take him on some decent walks, now that I can’t provide those myself. But, with my back still recovering, with my arm in a cast, and with me feeling just so sore and tired… Sometimes I need some time for myself to unwind, to recharge. And it makes me feel bad, because I push away Koa when he’s eager for attention. But I just can’t be there for him all the time, he needs to chill from time to time. So I can do the same…
After about half an hour, the neighbor brought back one happily panting doggo. He had a good drink, and I fixed him some food. We relaxed for a while, and then I got everything ready to head to bed. I felt so tired, and my arm felt so sore… I hoped that I could catch some more sleep, and rest and not be bothered by my arm for some time.
After some reading I dozed off. But I woke up again about half an hour later. I tried to get comfortable, but my arm kept on bugging me. I was awake for several hours. I did manage to finish the book I was reading, and start a new one. But I would have preferred to get some more sleep. I took out Koa for a wee, and then we got back to bed. I finally managed to fall asleep. After a few hours, Koa woke me up again. We went out again, and back to bed. I woke up a little time later, but as Koa was quiet, and I was still so tired, I managed to doze off again, and get another hour of sleep. Then Koa did wake me up, telling me he was done with being in the crate, and that he’d like to do a number two, to make space for a lovely meal that he was eager to get. So, after getting about 6 hours of sleep in total, according to my watch, we got up, and we started our “day”.
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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#Journal of a burping Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Friday, 07/08/2026).
What a crappy night… I feel so broken and sore, and I struggled to keep going. It had taken me 4 hours to finally doze off. I woke up after am hour, as Koa needed a potty break. I got back to bed, and my body had allowed me one more hour of sleep. When I woke up again, I was nauseous, many of my muscles felt like I’d been hit by a truck, and I had a headache that made me look cross-eyed at times. Ugh, this wasn’t normal after a surgery like the one I had. I had so many symptoms, and they just didn’t “match” the situation. Which got me worried, as there must be some reason for all these extras I was dealing with. But, I’d have to wait until my mum would come to us, so we could call the hospital, and ask them about it.
I got dressed, fixed Koa’s meal, and I took my meds. We got to the couch together, where I got my laptop. I started writing my email to my sweet friend. I was a bit frustrated, as typing was slow, my fingers were sore, and I had to correct a bigger than usual amount of typos. But, I kept trying, and in the end, I could press the send button on a decent enough email. I struggled a bit, but managed to make myself some brekkie. When I was done, I put on my shoes, and took Koa out for a short walk. When we got back, I got back to the laptop, where I wrote my journal toot.
I also made good on a promise I made to an online friend. They have made an album, and there is a nice way to order it on vinyl. As it’s a special pressing, and it needs to be shipped a decent way, the costs were a little higher than for a usual vinyl. But, I want to grow my little vinyl collection when I can, and I want to support my friend by getting his album. So, when I got some good news of a bit of money coming to me, I made due on my promise and… I ordered the vinyl! Now I’ll have to be patient, as it needs to be pressed, and then shipped… But, I know it will be coming my way soon, which is so cool.
When I was finally done with the journal toot, I put away the laptop. I went out for another short walk with Koa, and then I tried to relax a little on the couch. I felt so sore, and exhausted, and ever since I ate my brekkie, I had been nauseous and burping like a mad-woman. I tried to relax, but it just seemed impossible. The nausea, the muscle pains, the headache, the pain in my mouth from the sores… I just felt so terrible, and a bit sorry for myself for having to deal with this all. I got so worried about these symptoms, where did they come from, why was I dealing with them? Of course these worries didn’t help me to feel any better, and I just tried to make it through the night, while doing my best to care for Koa (and myself).
I tried a little longer walk with Koa, and it went OK enough, but it hurt me, and wore me out as well. Then mum texted that she was coming our way. I tried to help mum to get the things from the car. When all was done, mum called the hospital for me, to ask about these symptoms I was dealing with. They assured mum that no Naproxen had been given to me. And that the side effects probably came from the anesthesia. And I just didn’t get it… I’ve had anesthesia enough times to know how I usually react to it. And I was experiencing exactly the same symptoms as I had after the second surgery, when I was given more Naproxen. So yeah, even though they were sure of me not getting those meds, I was very curious where these exact same symptoms were coming from then… Mum called the GP, and got them to get me some meds against the extreme nausea.
After the calls, mum headed back home again. I had asked my neighbor if she had time and energy to take young Master Koa for a walk, as I was dead tired, and he was eager to release some of his energy. She was willing and able to take him for a nice walk, for which Koa and I were very grateful. I chatted to a good friend, and as I mentioned to him that I didn’t know if the pharmacy was indeed coming by this afternoon, and he was so sweet and called the pharmacy for me to check. They were indeed coming over this afternoon, so I knew I had to wait until they’d done the delivery.
When the meds had been delivered, I already had everything prepped so Koa and I could head to bed. I was really hoping I would be able to get some sleep, as I felt like a steaming load of crap… It didn’t take too long before I was able to doze off. About 5 hours later, Koa woke me up for a potty break. We went back to bed, and Koa allowed me another two hours before waking me up again. I could have done with some more sleep, but according to my body, it was time to start moving again. It took me almost 5 minutes to get out of bed, as I was so stiff and sore… But, I managed to get up, and Koa and I started our “day” together.
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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#Journal of an exhausted and sore Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Thursday, 06/08/2026).
Well, after the first night having gone OK enough, this second one was crap. I was so tired, and I just could not get to sleep. I had muscle aches, felt nauseated, my tinnitus got worse, and even half a sleeping pill didn’t do too much (maybe because Koa woke me up after 3½ hours for his potty break). Even though I barely slept, I did feel a bit better when I woke up, than I did before I managed to doze off. But it was hard to get up, as I felt sore and tired, and somehow, I felt a bit nauseous too. But, I thought that this, together with the dry mouth, was because I’d taken half a sleeping pill.
I got dressed, took my meds, and prepped Koa’s meal. When Koa had finished his kibble, we headed to the couch. With some efforts, I was able to set up my laptop. I started with writing an email to my sweet friend. It was quite a challenge, and with all the typos I made, it took me quite some time to finish the email. When I had sent it, I fixed myself some brekkie. But, I wasn’t really too hungry, and my mouth hurt a bit when I ate. I managed to finish the meal, but after that, I was a tad nauseous for some time. I thought it was because of the sleeping pill, and didn’t think too much about it.
I took Koa outside for a short walk, which is quite a challenge, especially when he does a number 2. I managed a short walk with him, and then we went back home again. And then, we had to go around the house, as I wasn’t able to open the front door with my one hand. We got back to the couch, where I started writing my journal toot. This turned out to be quite a chore, which took me several hours to be able to finish it.
I got distracted by several things, Koa had to go out a few times, my hand hurt so it took longer to type, and it was a long journal toot, as a lot had happened. Bit by bit, I managed to finish the journal post, and upload it to the appropriate places. I chatted a bit with a friend, and then I relaxed with some telly.
When our friend arrived, we went for a little walk first. Then, we called the vet, and made an appointment together for Koa, for a titer test, and to help with cleaning his ears. We scheduled it, and then headed to the garden, to try and tackle the last bit of grass. Unfortunately, I was absolutely useless, and could not manage to help in any good way. Which made me feel like crap, because we were supposed to tackle this chore together. But fortunately, my friend understood the situation, and she did her best to tackle it, under my lousy guidance.
Unfortunately, my friend had to leave earlier than we originally planned, which made it a bit stressful and hasty. But we got most of it done, well, she did, so the rest we’d see about during her next visit to Koa and me. She rushed to her appointment, and I did my best cleaning everything up. I thought I should be feeling hungry, but I kept feeling nauseated, and my mouth was still dry, and it hurt. I tried to eat a little bit anyway, but it didn’t really settle well.
I was feeling so exhausted, and my arm/wrist/hand was very sore as well. So, Koa and I slowly prepped to head to bed. I wanted to watch some series, and then, hopefully, doze off with my book. So, Koa and I went to bed. And, before long, Koa was snoozing peacefully. But, I could not get comfortable enough. After about 4 hours, I dozed off, for about an hour. I went to the loo, took Koa out, and we went back to bed. I managed another hour, and then I was wide awake again. And I still felt so exhausted.
As I got up, I started to wonder... All these symptoms I’ve been struggling with since the surgery... Most of the symptoms could be related to the use of Naproxen, and I told them that I could not use these meds during the pre-surgery check. But yeah, all the symptoms, they fit... So, that’s something that needs to be examined/checked. I know I have been feeling like crap since the surgery, and many things weren’t related to my hand/wrist/arm... Bugger...
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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#Journal of a sloooow and sore Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Wednesday, 05/08/2026).
Thanks to being very tired, and probably some of the hospital drugs still being in my system, I had been able to doze off more quickly than I had expected. I woke up a few times, due to my hand, due to Koa, and due to myself needing a potty break. But, when I woke up again, according to my watch, I had been able to sleep about 7 hours, so not too bad at all. I got up, took my meds, fixed Koa’s meal, and started the challenge of undressing and getting myself dressed. When Koa finished his meal, we got to the couch, where I tried to get my laptop, so I could start the email to my sweet friend.
The typing went slow, and was sore at times. But, I managed to write a decent email to him, with some distractions here and there. So it took me quite some time, buy in the end, I got to the “press send” option, and that felt good. I managed to fix myself some brekkie, as I was rather hungry, to be honest… And then, the “struggles & distractions” began… I tried to write my journal toot, but I kept being distracted. I also annoyed myself with all the mistakes that I kept making. And then I got a tad frustrated that things were going so slow… Part of me just wanted to put the laptop away, and try to relax. But I also really wanted to get that journal toot properly finished, and uploaded to the usual places.
I popped in a Muppets movie, and watched half of it, while trying to write my toot. When the movie ended, I took Koa out for another short walk (which was very challenging for sure). I popped in a second Muppets movie, and continued trying to finally get that toot done. I did get distracted by an email from the tax office, as it had some good news, which was nice. Apparently, I had gotten less allowance than I should have gotten over the year of 2025. So, with some time, I should be receiving the amount due to me. It’s not that much, but still, every bit due is nice and welcome. Maybe I can slowly try to save up again, so some day, I may finally get myself that new sound system, (some day… 😇). No “worries”, I am not getting that much money, haha, if only that could happen… I’d be over the moon for sure…
After another walk with Koa, I finally managed to finish the journal toot. I felt like it had taken me all night, which of course was true, haha. As I got up around 2, and spent some time on the email first, and then finally uploaded the journal, just a little past 8… Yeah, it’s taken me quite some time, and I was kinda done with it. It felt like a never-ending chore, which took the fun out of writing it and all… 😞
I tried to relax for a while, and then took Koa for another short walk. I had asked my sweet neighbor if she would have some energy and time to take Koa and me for a bit longer walk. She texted back that she’d be able to around 11. So that was very nice indeed, as it meant that Koa and I could get a bit of a proper walk in. We relaxed for a while, while I tried to catch up with my social media notifications.
A little before 11, we got ready to walk with the neighbor. The weather was nice enough, and we had a good walk, which I think Koa enjoyed a lot too. When we got back, I was hoping for some relaxing time. Unfortunately, Koa wasn’t too keen in relaxing just yet, and he was whining about something, and I could not figure out what was bothering him. Which was annoying the heck out of me, because I knew I had been giving him all that he needed and could want for. I wish he could just tell me why he keeps on whining from time to time, as I would love to understand him better…
After some telly time, I was getting very tired. My arm and hand were getting more sore too, probably because I had done too much with it. So, I slowly started preparing to getting ready for bed. Took my meds, gathered all the things, and Koa and I went to bed. Within a short while, Koa was already snoozing, but I was still wide awake, struggling with the pain in my hand.
I had taken an extra painkiller, and was hoping that this would do the trick to be able to doze off. But… I watched Downton Abbey, and didn’t manage to doze off. I switched sides, read my book, and still could not get comfortable. I even took another painkiller, as I just could not find a way to make my arm comfortable, even with extra pillows and all that jazz. After several hours of being exhausted but wide awake, I got up for a while.
Koa was restless, and my stomach was rumbling. So, I got something to drink, fixed myself a little snack, and I watched some telly. After a while, I got the sleeping pills that I had left over from last year, after the most traumatic events ever happened within 5 days time… I took out one pill, cut it in half, and took it. I hate using these pills, as they always give me such a nasty taste in my mouth afterward. But, I was too tired and sore, and I needed some sleep, somehow…
Koa went to the crate, I went to bed. And, according to my watch, within a few minutes, I was already snoozing. After about 3½ hours, I woke up again, as Koa was whining. He had to go out for a number two. I had hoped to get a bit more sleep, but my wrist was already tingling wildly, and I felt myself becoming wide awake again. So, I guess that 3½ hours was all I’d be getting tonight… So, Koa and I got up, and we started our “day”.
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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CW: A loooong #Journal Toot, with some venting from me about things going in a crappy way... Saves some folks from scrolling 😇
#Journal of an anxious and stressed Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Tuesday, 04/08/2026).
It was a bit of a mixed night, due to potty breaks, bad backs, and buzzing terrorists. But in the end, I got up earlier than I had hoped for, as today was going to be a long day. I got up, got dressed, took my meds, and fed Koa. There was an email from the pharmacy now, so all the dreadful calls had paid of, at least... When Koa was done with his meal, we got ready, and we went to Skoosh, to go and pick up my meds.
The drive went well, and before we knew it, we were back home, and I was able to take my better meds again. I got to the couch, grabbed my laptop, and started emailing my sweet friend. When I was done, I fixed some brekkie. I walked with Koa, wrote my journal toot, and then I relaxed a bit, as much as I could. I had to check the time, due to my last meal before the surgery and all.
I fixed food for Koa and myself, we went on a little walk, and then I tried to distract myself. I fiddled around with the YouCut app, trying to make a little video. It wasn’t the best editing, as it was hard to keep my concentration. Anxiety was slowly but surely setting in more. I knew this surgeon was a good one, as he was the one that tried to repair my left thumb, after the “butcher” from the awful hospital had messed it up so badly. 😢 But still, there are always risks and one bad left thumb was enough, I kinda need the right one to keep working as best as possible.
I prepared everything for the hospital and for Koa, so he would have food, snacks, toys, and all while being at my parents’ place. When mum texted that she was coming to pick us up, I took out Koa for a little walk. Then, I got all the bags, and Koa and I waited next to the parking, so mum could put in Koa and the bags, and we’d be on our way.
I had to wait a while in Nijmegen, until mum could take me to the hospital. We found a quick spot, and checked in. After almost an hour in the waiting area, they called me in. Well, they called in my surname with “mister” in front of it... I would not mind getting rid of the female issues, especially now that the peri-symptoms have set in. But nope, not a mister... But, it was meant for me, and the lady apologized, and we had a little laugh about it. Everything got checked, and mum got all the info, and then we said goodbye, as I went to the preparation area, and mum went back home.
All my things went into the box, the lady helped me to close the gown, and she sealed the box containing my things. I got into the bed, and when all was set, she wheeled me to the next area. There, they were going to give me the heart monitor patches, and my IV. I warned the lady that setting IV’s was something my body was never cooperative with. But, she found a good spot, and it would be done easily. Well, nope... As said, not working, loads of pain, more needles, and in the end, I got my IV in my elbow (which also hurt like hell).
I got to the OR, and they kept asking me if I was sure about not wanting a nerve-blocker in my arm. I had one of those with my first hand surgery... It took me, and the physio, about 6 months to have my hand/arm recover from that. So yeah, I was sure to have some more pain for a few more days, instead of dealing with an even longer aftermath from the nerve-block. Then, I got the mask on, and after a few breaths, I was out...
When I came around again, the first thing I noticed was a very annoying pain. They gave me some extra meds, and I got a water ice cream. Yay, that felt good. When the meds were doing their thing, I was brought to a little room, where I got some food. They had called my mum so she should be on her way as well. They helped me in my own clothes. When mum arrived, she helped me with my shoes, and we got back to the car.
Unfortunately, mum had another appointment for herself, so I had to stay at their home for a while. All I really had wanted was to go home and rest a while... When we finally got home, I saw I had 4 missed calls (the phone was on quiet mode), and some voicemails. They were from the hospital. I tried to listen to a voicemail, but that woman had the most annoying voice, and the way she spoke to me, it triggered me in all the wrong places... She was so annoyed with me for not picking up my phone, as she called several times. Yeah, and I just had surgery with anesthesia, I was tired and in pain, and having a phone doesn’t mean I need to answer it at all times.
Things got triggered even more when she had taken the chance to already book me for my therapy appointments. At the day and time when I have my normal physio, which I really need now, after three weeks without… And yeah, I should call her on Thursday, as Wednesday was her day off. I just wanted to relax, wait for the painkillers to kick in, and try to get some sleep..... Instead of that, I was answering an email (as I also got an email about the appointments that she felt free to book because yeah, I didn’t answer). It was a cranky email, but I tried to stay as polite as I could, while being exhausted and in pain, and tired of the sh*t that medical folks seem to throw at you, just because they can. I wonder if anyone will see the email, and if they will respond. But I really don’t understand the urgency of that damned lady, and why she could not have waited till Thursday to call me, and try to schedule something that I could make work. It’s not life-threatening, and for heck’s sake, give people some time to recover from am surgery (and to get settled at home safe and sound). Ugh, yeah, my autism was banging my head against a big wall, about the way people deal with things these days...
After that, we could finally head to bed. It was late, well, for me at least. Both Koa and I were exhausted when we got back home. I fell asleep OK enough, and then a buzzing terrorist woke me up, as he zapped himself in the swatter (I had it on with the UV function). I went to the loo, asked Koa, who was not interested, and got back to bed. I woke up again when another terrorist 🦟 started haunting me. With some great efforts, I managed to get some deet on my neck, face, and hand. Shortly after that, the terrorist zapped himself, and that seemed to make an end to all the buzzing. I had let Koa out, but he wasn't too interested in doing things. He even went back to the crate on his own... I gave him some snacks, and he snoozed before I was able to make myself comfortable again. When I woke up again, the time startled me a bit. But even Koa was still snoozing, while I guess he must have been hungry. I know I was...
So, around 2, we got up, and I slowly started my “day”, trying to find the best ways to get dressed, take meds, feed Koa... It was going to be a challenging day for sure...
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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#Journal of a slightly anxious Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Monday, 03/08/2026).
I didn't have the best night. Meds that don't last long enough, a dog that needs potty breaks, I needed potty breaks, and then a buzzing terrorist 🦟 that bugged me several times. But it is as it is, and when Koa and I started our "day", we tried to make the best of it. And what a day it would turn out to be...
I wrote an email to my sweet friend. And then I had my brekkie. I took out Koa for a walk, and then I finished the journal Toot. I uploaded it to all the usual bits, and then put away the laptop. I managed to get a half hour walk in on the treadmill. Only at 4 km/h again, but still, I'll take it, as it does mean some progress.
I went upstairs, folded the laundry, took it down, and cleaned it up. I walked with Koa again, and then fixed some food for both him and myself. We went on another walk, and then I tried to relax for a bit. Until I remembered I still had to vacuum, so I got the little one. And then... Koa tried to help me again and again, and it hurt me, as it made it so hard for both my back and my hands. So, I yelled at him and sent him into the garden. I felt bad for it. But he does need to learn that no really means no, and not "just keep doing as you are"...
When I finished the vacuuming, I was so tired and sweaty. I needed some time to relax, before the coach would be arriving. When she did, we chatted for a while, has a little fun with Koa, and then arranged some of the paperwork that needs to be done in time for the city's approval and all.
The coach left, I walked Koa, and then I wanted some food before we had to leave to head to Nijmegen. I had just fixed some food, and then my phone rang. I just missed it because I could not answer with my mouth full, and I saw it was the hospital. So, I called back and... They has a spot open up for me... Tomorrow! Which meant I had about 15 minutes to arrange things and call them back with a yes or a no... Holy crap!
I tried to call my mum. And... Of course it went to voicemail 4 times in a row, making me so stressed... I tried the home phone, and that one she did answer. So I quickly tried to explain and ask, while mum tried to explain her side, which wasn't really helpful, as I was on a clock... But, we got things sorted, and I could call the hospital with an OK. After that, I called the neighbor, tried to explain the situation, and, thankfully, she was OK with being "on call", should I need help with walking Koa in the next few days. I have no idea how much pain/discomfort the surgery and cast would give me. I was/am so grateful for people helping me like that. 😊
But I was also stressed... My food had run cold, I had made so many calls, and now I had to sort everything out so that I would be all set for the surgery. I had to get the crate out, to take it to my parents, so they had it for when Koa was coming. I had to take myself and Koa to Nijmegen, as the hairdresser was coming. And I did need a good shearing 🐑 as my wool was thick, curly, and hot.
We arrived safe and sound. We chatted a bit about the upcoming surgery, and I was a bit stressed for all the silly ways things were going... My hair got cut, and mum and I were able to cut some of the hair between Koa's pads. He had longer hair there, and with the warm weather, and with grass ears (I hope this translation is correct) everywhere, it's good to be able to quickly either cool or check his paws. After that, Koa and I went back home. And I was very grateful for Skoosh her aircon system, as it was around 33°C.
We got home, I fixed food for Koa and myself, and I tried to contact the pharmacy ⚕️. Another call... And they were closed till 2, so I had to wait and try again. I managed another call, and they told me there had been a glitch in the system, and the orders from Friday had not properly come through. Hence me not receiving my meds before the weekend. I explained the situation, of needing the meds, and of the upcoming surgery, and not being able to drive then... She told me she'd contact the GP, to make sure that I could pick it up tonight. Yay!
I got ready for bed. I was exhausted... I was anxious, and a bit scared... What if this surgery would go wrong... 🫣 Ugh... Then, I saw I missed a call from the GP. I tried to call back, and didn't get through the machine. I had to wait to call back later. I was soooo done with calling. But things needed to be arranged... Ugh... I called back, learned about the call, things were set, and then I tried to get some sleep.
I slept a bit, had to use to loo. Slept some more. Koa needed the loo. And slept again, until a buzzing terrorist 🦟 kept bugging me over and over. So, I got up, earlier than I hoped for... And we started our long day... At least I'd have enough time to prepare everything, and triple check it of course, and have a proper meal, before I would not be allowed to eat (and drink) all I liked anymore... Surgery prep...
Hey ho, fingers crossed 🤞🏻 for a good and successful 🍀 day!
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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#Journal of a Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Sunday, 02/08/2026).
I had a bit of a mixed night. My back wasn’t too pleased, the short working meds kept bugging out, making it very painful to try and get up from bed. There was a dog that needed a potty break at times. There was a buzzing terrorist that woke me up once too… Ah well, I guess it’s just how things are these days… How they have been for a while now. And while I still hope that things will get better soon, I feel like I have been waiting for that soon to come for quite some time now. But, when I woke up again, my back was bad, Koa wanted out of the crate, so I just got up and started my “day”.
I got to the scale, which was less bad than I had thought it would be. It’s not good, nope, but it was less bad than I thought… I got dressed, took my meds, fixed Koa’s meal. When Koa finished, we got to the couch. I grabbed my laptop, and I wrote an email to my sweet friend. When I sent it, I fixed some brekkie. I took Koa out for a short walk, and then I started writing my journal toot. I wrote it on my phone, and when I was done, uploaded it to some of the usual bits. I watched telly while I edited some of the screengrabs that I had taken from Saturday’s video.
I tried to relax for a bit, took Koa on several short walks, and I spent some time reading my book. I felt tired, and I also felt like I should do something today, achieve something today. Even if it would not make me feel as good as it normally would, it would still mean that something got done. And later on, maybe I could feel good about it then. But, what could I do that would make me feel better?
In the end, I went to shower. Unfortunately, Koa was barking a few times while I was in it. It really worries me that he barks so quickly and easily. I want to start at the gym soon again, and I’m afraid that he will bark way too much while I am away. And since I visit the gym during the night… Ugh…
After the shower, I was tired and I wanted to relax a bit. Unfortunately, Koa kept bugging me, and we had to go out again. So, we went for a short walk, and then I really needed to relax. I tried to read some more, and I fixed some food for both Koa and myself. I managed to relax for a while, and then Koa and I went to the garden, where I cleaned the grass again. Sorry, no video this time… Koa and I went for another short walk. And then, I got the crazy idea to try out the treadmill.
In the end, I managed to walk for half an hour at 4 km/h. Not that fast, but considering all that’s happened lately, it wasn’t too bad at all. I started watching the new Devil Wears Prada movie, which I finished after the walk on the mill. After some relaxing, I took Koa for another short walk.
We spent some time on the couch with some telly. Koa wanted to go into the garden, but if I leave him in there alone, I won’t have any grass left haha. I got the silly idea to get some of the left-over grass, and I took it to the front garden. With some efforts, I managed to get a bit of it cut, and pinned on the black root fabric. It wasn’t great, but it was a lot better than before. But my hands, they hated me, and the last part would have to wait a bit longer. As the weather wasn’t too bad, I got my garden chair out, and I read for a while, while Koa could have fun in the garden.
When my back got too sore, and I got too hot in the sun, I put away the chair, and I got ready to head to bed. I watched a series on my tablet for a while, and when my meds started to help, I grabbed my Kobo, and fell asleep while reading. I woke up for the loo, and to let Koa out. And then I snoozed again, until my back hurt too much, when the meds wore out. I took new meds, and got back to bed. I woke up again when Koa told me it was time to get out of the crate, and to do a wee in the garden. So, we got up and we started our “day”.
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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#Journal of a tired Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Saturday, 01/08/2026).
I didn't have the best night. Woke up a few times, and my back was not too happy with me either. To make things even harder, when I got up, I saw that I had not received an email with a locker code, so I could not pick up my new meds. Which meant, having no long-lasting meds for the whole weekend... 😔 I still had the shorter working ones, but that meant needing to take more. And that meant they would run out during my sleep... Ugh...
I got dressed, took the meds I did have, and fed Koa. We got to the couch, where I wrote an email to my sweet friend. I made some breakfast, and started my journal Toot while eating. After the meal, Koa and I went out for a short walk. I felt bläh, and I guess Koa did too, as his number two was not as it usually was, and it smelled horrid... I guess the nasty thing he grabbed the other day, and had eaten before I had a chance to take it out of his mouth, was now letting him (and me) know that it wasn't the best thing to have eaten...
We got back home, and I finished my journal Toot. I was tired and so demotivated, that I just crashed on the couch and watched telly... Koa was passing gas, trying to put me in a coma at some times. Because of the upset belly, we had to go outside a few more times. We didn't walk a longer round, as I guess we were both not feeling up to it.
I made some food, started the dishwasher, and made some food for Koa. After one of the short walks, I went upstairs. I managed to ride half an hour, so that was a good thing. Koa and I just took it easy, with short walks every now and then.
After some time, I grabbed the water hose nozzle and "the crowds went wild" 😂. AKA Koa went absolutely nuts! We went outside, and I tried to take a video while I also tried to clean the grass. It was expensive grass (to me, at least), and I want it to last as long as possible. So that means "watering" the fake grass as often as needed, especially when Koa has done his business more in the garden. But, Koa never minds, he loves to "help" me get the chore done! 😁
We went for a short walkies, and picked up my picture parcel from the neighbor. I made a start with sorting out the snaps, but there were so many, and it really wore me out. After some time, my back was too sore, my head was spinning, and I felt exhausted. So Koa enjoyed his meal, we went outside, and then we got to bed. Not to immediately sleep, but to have my head and back relax so they'd stop hurting me as much as they did.
I chatted with a good friend, and I managed to take "a few" screengrabs from the video of Koa playing with the water hose. After some time, I just got too tired. I grabbed my Kobo, and fell asleep while reading.
After some time, Koa woke me up for a garden break. After that, we snoozed some more, until a buzzing terrorist 🦟 woke me up. I went to the loo, let out Koa again, and then snoozed till Koa thought he'd been in the crate too long, and it wad time to get up.
I got to the scale, which was less bad than I had feared. I got dressed, took the meds I had, fed my doggo, and together, we started our new "day".
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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:kirby_prideheart: Ello sweet and lovely Friendos :purple_heart_sparkle:
#GoodMorning and #TZAG everyone :ablobcatcoffee:
It's been a harder night. I didn't walk a longer route with Koa, as I just didn't have the energy to do that... 😔
I just managed to ride my bike om a low speed for half an hour! *yay me*.
I booked an appointment with my GP for 17/08. The earliest moment (time wise), which I like the best. Hopefully, she will be willing and able to help me with my peri journey. I really think that HRT patches could be beneficial for my health, but I have two more weeks to find out all about it. 😊The dishwasher has done it's work as well, it's drying now, and then I can clean it out (I'll have to, haha, it has all my now clean big plates in it 😂).
A small part of me, it's saying I should get out some paint, and paint the wall that the coop repair man worked on last Wednesday. It would look a lot better if I would do that... So, maybe I should? 🤔
But, of course, finding the energy, and kicking myself in the butt to actually do it... I know it *needs* to be done eventually, so why not "just" do it and get it done with? 🤔
I used to be someone what would be *very* AuDHD... I mean this in a very positive way! I used to get an idea, then I'd gather all I'd need for that idea, and... I'd do it! I would not think about it too much, I would just think "that's good, I can do that!", and.... There I went!
But, the last few months, I've been noticing this is getting too hard for me to keep doing... I've lost the confidence I had in myself. I keep doubting if I can do things, while I know I used to "just" do things, and have them work out well enough... I lost the energy. There is no motivation. And... When I *finally* do something, I don't feel the joy of it afterwards... There is no dopamine rush. There is no feeling of great accomplishment. There's just the "OK, that's done, it's fine" :thisisfinefire:. And, without that dopamine, without the reward for your brain/body, it's harder and harder to start something else...
As I've shared yesterday, I've learned that dopamine, ADHD, and the peri-menopause aren't the bestest of friends... :parrot_sad: and that's why I really hope that my GP will allow me to try the patches. I *know* they aren't the "holy solution", but... So far, I've heard way more positives than negatives about them, so I *really* want to try them out...
Well... Plans for #Today
Maybe I can try to paint that bit of wall... Maybe? 🤞🏻
Try to get a little longer walk with Koa 🐾
Clean out the dishwasher 🫧
Do the laundry 🧺
Maybe read some more of my book :blobcatbook:
And.........
Try to relax and feel OK enough...Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 🫂 🩵 💜 🩷 🐾 :dogeparrot:
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#Journal of a slightly exhausted Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Friday, 31/07/2026).
I didn’t have the worst night, but it was not one where I woke up feeling all relaxed and recharged from. I got up, and slowly started my day. I got dressed, I took my meds, I fixed Koa’s meal… And when he was done with it, we went to the couch, where I grabbed my laptop. I wrote my email to my dear friend, and when I was done, I fixed up some brekkie.
I started writing my journal toot, and when I finished my food, I took Koa out for a short walk. He did his business, and then we got back inside, where I finished my journal toot. I uploaded it to all the usual places, and then I put away the laptop. I was tired, and just wanted to relax for a while.
After some time, I managed to get my big behind off the couch, and I took Koa for a walk. I let him choose the way, and part of me was grateful when he went left, and took the shorter way home. Part of me had wanted to walk more, as I know it’s good for me, and probably for Koa as well. But, I just felt too tired, and I was also glad when I got back on the couch.
I watched some telly, tried to read a bit of my book, and I snacked a bit too much… I went our with Koa again, fixed his meal, and then, he got the zoomies. After a while, he was too overwhelmed, and I had to crate him. Part of me felt bad for doing so, but within minutes, he fell asleep, and I was able to relax for a while.
I took Koa out for another short walk, and then we headed to Nijmegen. I had a slight heart attack, sold my kidney, and then Skoosh’s gas tank was filled up again. Damn, that orange pedo idiot and his stupid wars… He’s raking in the money, while we pay more and more for things that we need to live… Ugh… Well, I am fortunate that Skoosh is a hybrid, at least that means she’s getting more km per liter, which is good for me and my wallet (and, the environment in a way too).
We got to my parent’s place, and when mum was ready, we got the groceries in Skoosh. Then, Koa and I headed back home again. I unpacked the things, Koa and I enjoyed a nice snack. And then we went out for another short walk.
I spent my time with either reading or watching telly. I just felt so tired… I made sure that Koa got his outings, and his snacks and walks. After a while though, we went to the bedroom. Koa enjoyed a nice snack in his crate, and I tried to watch, well, re-watch, some Designated Survivor on my tablet. After a while though, I had dozed off.
When I woke up, I let Koa out for his business, and then we tried to snooze for a while. We woke up a few times, and after some hours, we got up and started our “day” again. I still felt tired, and my back was bad. And, to make things worse, the pharmacy had not emailed me a code, so this weekend, I would not have my better meds yet, as I had run out, and hoped to be able to pick them up… Bugger… Best try to take things easy for now…
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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:kirby_prideheart: Ello sweet and lovely Friendos :purple_heart_sparkle:
It seems that Pixy's Journey is continuing on a new path. I know all life is uncertain, however well you try to plan. And I know that some things will happen, but you can never really prepare for them... As these things happen in different ways for everyone, with some overlap of course, and there is no "set pathway" to follow, to make things easier...
I've been experiencing symptoms that I have been dealing with for many years now. But... They were/are more intense. They are different than they used to be. And I got more and more frustrated at my incapability to deal with them properly. I got worse and worse, and I just could not understand why this all was getting so hard to deal with.
And then... I made the connection. I should have realized sooner, when the temperature regulation issues got worse (and it wasn't due to fibro flare)... I was born with an uterus. It's never been of use to me, as I didn't want to be a mom, and the monthly issues were a struggle, are a struggle, to deal with. But it means that my "main hormone" is estrogen. And, as I am 46 now... I am in the "zone" to start the decline of the hormonal bits...
I looked a bit online, and found out that many of my issues were indeed part of the peri. And... That people with ADHD may experience the decline in estrogen even worse, as it regulates, among others, dopamine... And, with most ADHD folks, the dopamine controls are already "out of the ordinary", so it can really enhance some negative effects of it all...
This is one of the sites that I found with info about this: 🔗
https://steadystatehealth.org/how-estrogen-decline-impacts-dopamine-and-why-adhd-feels-worse-in-menopause/So yeah... Pixy's Journey has started on a new path, a new road in their journey, where they need to find ways to deal with the peri period, and then the menopause that will follow.
Someone has told me that, especially "us ADHD folks", could greatly benefit from HRT patches. But I know that many GPs aren't too keen on handing out these patches... So, before I dive in to this with my GP, I was hoping that other folks here, that are going through this, or have gone through this, could let me know about the patches. Did/dk you use them? And, if so, what are the main pros and cons of them? I'd like to be as informed as I can, so I can have a good talk with my GP, and so I know what I could be asking for.
Thanks in advance for sharing your experience!
:pixy_party: 🫂 🩵 💜 🩷 🐾 :dogeparrot:
#PixysJourney
#ActuallyAuDHD
#ActuallyADHD
#ADHD
#PeriMenopauseEdit: thought this Toot would reach the appropriate folks better with the proper hashtags, so I added them. Sorry I forgot to add them in the first place. Thanks for all the boosts (so far!). I really appreciate the support. :blobcatflower:
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#Journal of a slightly bläh Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Thursday, 30/07/2026).
I had a shorter night than I had hoped for. And I guess it was also shorter than what I needed… But, my stomach was upset, and my back was angry, so I had to get up, whether I liked it or not… So, I got up, got dressed, took my meds, and fixed Koa’s meal. When he had finished, we went to the couch. There, I grabbed my laptop, and I wrote an email to my sweet friend. While I was writing it, I got distracted, and I ordered a new batch of pictures for Koa’s old-skool photo album. Then, I finished up the email. I started my journal toot, while I enjoyed my brekkie.
When I finished my meal, I took Koa our for a short walk, and then I went back to the laptop. I struggled a bit with writing the toot, I just felt like it was so boring, and like it didn’t matter and all that. I noticed that my thoughts were getting more negative, so I tried to focus on something good instead. It wasn't too easy, but I managed to finish up the toot, and share it on the usual places. When I was done with that, I put away the laptop, and I watched some telly, while scrolling some Masto on my phone.
I was feeling so exhausted. I struggled with my focus, and I felt like I should just get back to bed again. But, my back wasn’t too eager for that, and I didn’t want Koa to be locked up all of the time. So, I tried to relax on the couch. I got my Kobo, and I tried to read for a while. But, the epub I had, it had so many mistakes in it, that it was driving me bonkers. So, I looked for another version… I found it, and while it wasn’t perfect either, it was a bit better when it came to the amount of mistakes. I figured that the books had been scanned into epubs, and well, the scanners had many issues with reading the text properly. I have the original paperback of the book, but with my eyes and hands, the Kobo is a better way for me to read these days.
I tried to read a bit, to relax, and then it was time to take Koa for a proper walk. I still struggle with the SniffiVerse™ walkies with Koa, as I keep comparing them to the walks with Arwen… And, as I mentioned before, I know this is not good on my part. But, I just miss them so much, I miss her so much… Ugh… I did try to enjoy my walk with Koa as much as I could, but he was doing his left to right to left thing again, and it was really hard on my back.
When we got back, I tried to relax some more while reading a bit of my book. After some reading, I let out Koa for a short walk, and I fixed his food. I went to the shed, and managed to get the old paper and cardboard sorted out. I took it to the curb for collection day, and was glad when that was done. Koa and I watched a bit of telly, and then I got ready to head to the supermarket. I got most of the things I needed, and of course I forgot Koa’s bananas… Again! My brain is such a mess these days…
We went for a short walk, and then I went upstairs, where I rode the bike for almost half an hour. It was getting too warm, and I was getting too tired. I went back down, and watched some telly in the darkened room. I switched between watching telly and reading, but I could not really settle down. My mind was just too messy, and my body was too tired. I felt a bit guilty towards Koa, as I felt I didn’t do enough with him. But I was just too done…
We went for a few short walks, and then it just got too warm. My back was acting up, and I felt too bad, so we went to the bedroom, where I spent some time watching a series on my tablet, hoping that my back would relax. After a while, I fed Koa, and let him out again. Then, I got ready for bed, but it took a few hours before I was able to relax enough to doze off. Even my rain sounds on the MyNoise™ app weren’t helping me too much. I let Koa out again, but he didn’t do anything. Then, we went back to bed, and I slept for about 3 hours.
Koa woke me up, and we went outside. He did a wee, and we went back to bed. I woke up again about 4 hours later, with my back not being too pleased, and when I saw the time, I was a bit bummed, as I had hoped for a bit more sleep. But, Koa had enough of his time in the crate, which I totally understood, so, we got up and started our “day”.
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾
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#Journal of a slightly tired Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Wednesday, 29/07/2026).
We didn’t have a bad night, until my body decided it was time to get up and start our “day”. We started with the usual routine. I got dressed, took my meds, and fed the dude. We went to the couch, where I got my laptop, and started my email to my sweet friend. When I was done, I made some brekkie, and enjoyed it while I started working on my journal toot. As I still felt a wee bit tired, I took Koa for a short walk, and then we went back to the couch again.
I finished up my journal post and uploaded it to all the usual places. After some relaxing with a bit of telly, I tried to motivate myself to take Koa on a proper walk. I wondered why I struggled to get ready for it, as I used to love the SniffiVerse™ walkies with Arwen… But then I realized the biggest difference: the ease of the walks with my old gall. She could go off-leash, she would stay close and be calm, and I was able to relax (and play with my phone at times, while she was getting her sniffs in)… But with Koa, there’s no calm, there is no real relaxing just yet. He pulls me all the ways, he will not chill and just follow me, just yet… And that made me feel a bit sad. I missed my gall a bit more, while I was annoyed with myself for not being able to enjoy this time with Koa now.
When we got back from walkies, we got to the couch, and we tried to relax a bit with some telly. I was struggling a bit with my brain. Part of it was feeling too exhausted to do things, the other part was annoyed with me not doing things. It was something I could not really “win”, so I tried to distract myself with some online scrolling with the telly on as well.
After a little while, I went upstairs to ride my bike, which I almost managed for half an hour. I got back down, walked Koa and fed him. We tried to relax some more, as this morning, someone from the rental coop was coming to fix several things in the house. Yay for that! I had a big time slot, so I hoped that he (or she) would be starting in our neighborhood. It was going to be a hot day, I was already struggling with light and sound, and I just wanted to “close it all off”, so I would be less overwhelmed by the things of the day today.
I was fortunate, as the man came to our place first. Koa was all excited, and then all bummed, because he was not allowed to “help” the man with his job. At one point, Koa was whining next to the couch. I thought he was upset, because he heard the man in the hallway, and I told him things were OK. He went quiet for a bit, and then he whined again. One of those that pulled your heart-strings… So, I looked at him, and… While I told him that things were OK and there was nothing to be sad about… One of his upper fangs fell out of his mouth! He looked sooooo sad and confused. I picked up the little tooth, and I hugged the little dude as much as he allowed.
When the repair man was done with the walls of the guest-loo, he came into the living room to tackle the window handle issue. It proved to be a bit of a chore, but, he managed to fix it, yay! When he was done with all, I got a text saying that he was on his way to my house… Hmm, I think that the system wasn’t set up right, as I would have preferred that message when he was actually coming to my place, not when he was leaving it, haha.
I walked with Koa, and we relaxed together. I felt to exhausted and unmotivated and I didn’t know why. I tried to read a bit for a while, which was nice, but also hard to focus on. I snacked way too much, but, I also made some food that could be seen as a “wee bit healthy”, well, healthier than what I had been consuming, anyway…
Koa and I went out for another walk, after he had enjoyed his meal, and it was so hot… We quickly went inside again, and got ready to relax in bed. There was noise coming from outside, and it was causing me to get this very annoying headache. I could not filter it out, and it was driving me nuts. So, I hoped that I could just doze off, so that I would not be bothered by it anymore. And, after a while, I did…
I woke up a few times, partially due to Koa, partially due to my body. And, when I woke up again, feeling all sore, and a bit nauseated, I just had to get up, and we started our “day” a little earlier than I had hoped.
Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:
:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾