#actually-audhd — Public Fediverse posts

Admission: I find myself increasingly leaning into AI.

We've had some *serious shit* come up for our cats, over the past couple years. We've had a couple of them pass during this time. We have three now where two are grappling with serious shit: one with FGESF and another 16 y/o dealing with typical age-related stuff.

Claude, in particular, has helped enormously searching for and digging into studies/the underlying medical science to get the best possible treatment. This has helped to aleviate a significant amount of my fear for their quality of care and life.

FGESF... JFC. It's an enormously poorly understood condition where the science is slowly evolving. *I* (not Claude, IIRC) found a study that none of the internists we've worked with even knew about! But Claude has helped me keep an eye on the tests to ask for, the questions to ask, the medication protocols, all of it.

As someone #actuallyaudhd, because of the extreme overwhelm of life at age 53, it's entirely too easy for me to lose track of extremely important details in their care. Doing this all without AI assistance? There would be unforgivable (to myself) errors in their care.

Increasingly, I've been setting up a system at home, using my COVID-purchased gaming rig and its 3090. The power consumption is insane but at least it's only so when it's actively "reasoning".

It is increasingly impressive, and a bit frightening too, how capable the models are becoming that can run on commodity hardware. Qwen3.6-35b-a3b runs fairly quickly and gives useful answers when connected up to a search engine. I also use it for "Retrieval-Augmented Generation" (RAG) to help keep track of cat care, given the sheer number of PDFs of instructions and data points that we receive for each cat.

Of course, like with all technologies, it can be wielded for evil. It's already happening. And it's going to get worse. The democritization of AI, particularly through self-hosted open weight models, will certainly empower bad actors to affect more malicious outcomes at a likely exponential rate.

I don't have data for this; what follows is my pattern-matching nature digesting information.

The advent of (currently) increasingly skilled/"intelligent" LLMs seems likely to outstrip humanity's maturity. This is the latestsocietal inflection point where we are at high risk of self-destruction. The difference here: AI is more accessible than the technology to build nuclear weapons. I can't speak to how easy it is to build bio weapons. But that's the crux: AI seems poised to lower the barrier to entry for creation of deadly physical tools.

Then, of course, there's the infrastructure-crippling InfoSec possibilities—and this seems the most immediate threat vector as it requires the least resourcing. We seem to have already seen an uptick in InfoSec attacks on infrastructure.

This Pandora's box isn't going to be closed.

While there's so much potential for good, if used responsibly, the opportunity for evil is enormous.

#Journal of a bit more at ease Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Wednesday, 26/08/2026).

While Koa did wake me up a few times, I managed to get about 6½ hours of sleep. It’s a nice improvement from the previous 3, but getting less than 10 hours of sleep in two nights, it’s not enough. So, when I got up, I still felt like my body weighed a ton. But, perhaps it does, as I haven’t used the scale this month. I just could not be bothered, as there was no way that it was going to show me anything good.

Today was going to be a busy one, but with some good things, so while I was tired, I was also looking forward to it. Koa and I started our “day” in our usual way. Koa got his meal, I took my meds and got dressed, and then we headed to the couch. I got my tablet, and started to type a reply email to a sweet friend of mine. I was still struggling with the cast, and my typing suffered from it.

When I had finished the reply, I took Koa out for a short walk. We got back, and I fixed my brekkie, and I ate it. I got my laptop, and I started working on today’s blog post, as I still needed to get one ready, so I would not break my streak. It took some time and effort, but I was glad to have it ready in time.

Koa and I went out for walkies again, and I fixed him some food. I started writing my journal toot, but my hands just weren’t really willing anymore. I lost my motivation due to all the soreness, so I decided to just let it be for now. I didn’t like not finishing it, but I had to stop typing for a while, and allow my hands the rest they needed. I put my laptop away, and fixed myself a meal.

When mum texted me that she was on her way, I took Koa out for a bit of a longer walk. This way, hopefully, he would be tired and empty enough to be able to relax in his crate, while we were out at the hospital. We just got back when we saw mum arrive.

I set up the tablet, so I could spy on my little dude again while we were out. We left for Nijmegen, and I kept a close eye out, still thinking about that time when he panicked so much, because he had forgotten to drink before he went into the crate. I was so glad that we were able to get back to him then, and that’s why I am checking on him now, every time he’s home in his crate when I need to head out.

He was a bit restless. Nothing very bad, but he couldn’t seem to calm down long enough to get some relaxing done. I was just texting a neighbor, to ask if it was busy/loud outside behind our houses. She confirmed, so I knew that Koa was just getting distracted by the noises of the folks working there. I was called in while I was just thanking the neighbor for the update.

The therapist asked me about my issues. I tried to explain as best as I could. He took off the splint, and checked my hand. He started making adjustments to my splint. But, he wasn’t too pleased with how my thumb and wrist were positioned, and he needed to adjust the splint to correct that. When he started doing just that, tears started rolling down my cheeks. That area was still so very painful, and he had to apply quite a bit of pressure for the time it took the splint to cool and harden. He gave me some exercises to do during the next 9 days, as I would see him for my therapy on September 4. I thanked him for the adjustments, and for giving me a little cry (I did that with a wink and smile), and then mum and I headed back to the car.

I texted my friends that we were on our way to Koa again, so they knew they could come our way once they were ready. Mum helped me to change the plaids on the couch, as the ones on it were in serious need of refreshing. When mum was done, she headed back home again. I got everything ready for my friends, and then Koa wanted to head out for walkies. So, I texted my friends that we headed out for a bit, so they would know where we were.

When Koa and I were almost home, our friends were just driving up. So we met them at the car, and then we headed to the house. Koa was all hyper and excited, and it took a little while for him to get a bit calmer. We chatted for a while, while I tried to keep Koa from getting too wild again. Koa got his meal, and after some time, he hinted he needed a walkies. Our friends joined us, and we had a nice little walk in the sun. We got back, had a bite to eat, and then our friends got ready to head back home again.

I slowly prepared everything for bedtime. I was hoping that Koa would feel good and tired enough to allow me some decent sleep. It took me a little time to finally get comfy enough with the new splint. And, just as I dozed off, you guessed it! A buzzing terrorist came to wake me up again. I got out the deet, and turned on the UV swatter. I had just dozed off again when I heard the loud crackle, meaning at least one terrorist had committed suicide. After I dozed off once more, Koa allowed me a couple of hours, before waking me up with some whining.

I went to the loo, opened his crate, and he didn’t come out at first. Then he came, went outside, and after a few minutes, it became apparent that he didn’t need to do anything. So, we got back to bed again. A bit later, I heard a few whines, and I listened, and I heard Koa doze off again, so I did the same. When he woke me up again, I saw the time, and understood why he used a little different whine, as it was time for food. So, we got up, and we started our “day”.

Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:

:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾

#PixysJourney
#WeirdFolks
#ActuallyAuDHD
#KoaKoolani

PS. Picture was taken on Tuesday, as I didn't take any pictures today.

#Journal of a double celebrating Dutch Pixy :pixy_party: (Tuesday, 25/08/2026).

I had a crappy and short night. All the worries over Koa and the plushies tail were taking its toll. Time was running out, and we were getting closer and closer to needing to call the emergency vet. I was rather stressed, but thanks to the help of our sweet friend, at least I knew what to do, in case things were going the wrong way. Koa woke me up several times, and every time, I was hoping for him to produce some smelly brown stuff.

So when it had finally come, I was so happy, relieved, and excited, that I stood crying with a smile on my face, while Koa did his thing. When I realized that the plushies tail had come out, I cried some more. I was hoping to get some more sleep now, but it seemed that Koa's belly was too upset, and he kept whining from time to time, and because I could not be sure that he didn't really need to go out... I got up, with a little less than 3 hours of sleep in total, to go out and out, every time Koa indicated it to me. Most of the time, he just sniffed around, and lay down to relax. I wished he'd let me relax every now and then, because I was tired before all this, but now I'm truly exhausted. Three hours of sleep, with all the stress, worries, and anxiety... It's not nearly enough, but it's all I got.

I tried to start the “day” as best as I could. The relief of the tail coming out was big, but it didn’t take away how exhausted I felt. But, part of me needed to keep to our current routine as much as I could, so after I fed Koa, and had taken my meds and got dressed, we got to the couch. I got my laptop out, and wrote an email reply to my friend. After some time spent writing, Koa indicated that he had to go out. So, I put on my shoes, and we went for short walkies.

During the walk, Koa brought me an even better feeling of relief, as he made a nice, decent sized, poop. So I could breathe a bit more easy now, knowing that it all looked like it was going to be OK. We got back home, I fixed myself some brekkie. I started writing my journal toot after that.

I was having issues with my splint again. It felt like it was too small, as my hands and fingers were warmer now, then when it had been made. And, I had been retaining a bit more fluids, so I was a bit more swollen as well. It really started to hurt in several places. It made it harder to type with it, so I had to do even more with my left hand, making me even slower.

I walked a short round with Koa again, and fixed him some food. I was still working on the journal toot, but due to the pain and being too tired, I struggled to keep motivated to keep writing. Bit by bit, I managed to add text to the post, and when I was finally done, it felt like I had written a book. And yeah, it was a longer toot, but it had just taken me so much time and effort...

I uploaded it to the usual places, and then I fixed myself some food. I ate it, and followed it with a longer walk with Koa. When we got back, I really wanted to relax on the couch for a bit, before my mum would come to take us to my physio appointment. But, I guess the fatigue and all the stress of the previous days was coming out, and I had to rush to the loo. It wasn’t a pretty sight, and made me feel even more uncomfortable.

When mum came, I called the hospital about my splint. I explained the situation, and the lady on the phone understood that this needed to be looked at sooner than later. She asked when we could come, and fortunately, mum had the car the next day. We made an appointment for the following morning, which I felt good about. Then, I realized that friends were coming over that day too. We should be back in time, but with hospitals, you never know. So, when mum drove us to the physio, I texted my friends to tell them I needed to visit the hospital first. We made plans to make sure all would go well, and that was done.

My physio appointment went well, and mum, Koa and I headed back to Herpen. I made a quick pit stop at the supermarket, and then we went home. Mum let Koa out on the grassy field behind the house, while I put away the groceries, and fixed Koa’s food. Mum went home, I snacked a bit, and then I got everything ready for bedtime.

Koa’s breeder had asked for a nice picture of all the pups this day, as this was their 6-month anniversary. I took Koa into the garden, and tried to take a snap of the dude. He was goofing around at first, but in the end, he even posed for a proper picture of him.

I did start to get a bit worried again though, as his bowels weren’t back on track yet, and he had not pooped again since early this night. And the 24-hour rule was still fresh in my mind. But, we still had several hours before we’d get to that point. And, as I was almost keeling over from exhaustion, it was time for Koa and I to get to bed.

Unfortunately, my hand and arm were not allowing me to properly relax for quite a while. When I finally dozed off, I could only get a wee bit of sleep, before Koa woke me up again. Because I was eager for him to go potty, I went outside with him every time he woke me up. When he gave a bit of a louder whine, I knew it was time to get up. We quickly went outside, and after some time, there came a poop. Yay!

I was glad that I got a bit more sleep, but it had been broken up in many short bits, and it wasn’t nearly enough to help me feel more rested. But still, I fixed Koa’s food, took my meds, dressed, and we had started our new “day”.

Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:

:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾

#PixysJourney
#WeirdFolks
#ActuallyAuDHD
#KoaKoolani

#Journal of a very worried Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Monday, 24/08/2026).

After a broken, and a bit short, sleep, Koa and I got up to start our “day”. Koa went outside, and he pooped. While I was cleaning it up, he went for a second poop. This one started soft, and ended runny. Which worried me a bit, as it could be a sign that his bowels were struggling too much with the plushies tail, which he ate the previous night. He wasn’t a happy puppy, although fortunately, he didn’t show any of the warning signs, and he was still doing things like eating, drinking, playing. But I could see that he didn’t feel too good about it all.

I got dressed, fixed Koa’s dinner, and I took my meds. Koa ate his food without issue, which was a good thing. He was restless, and whined every now and then. I felt so bad do something, anything, to help him feel better again. I tried to comfort him as much as I could, while also trying to write an email to my sweet friend. I felt a bit sorry for my friend, as the last few emails I sent him, they were mostly me venting about all my worries for Koa. But it did feel like he really was the center of my world, as I spent a lot of time worrying over him. Raising a puppy on my own has proven to be quite difficult at times. And the situations with my back, and now my hand, add even more challenges to it all.

When I had managed to finish the email to my friend, I took Koa out for a short walk. We got back, I fixed some brekkie for me, and after I was done, I started working on my blog post for that day. I got interrupted every now and then, by a little whine from Koa. As I didn’t know if this was due to his ears, or due to him eating that tail, I tried to be there for him as much as I could. This way, I hopefully would not miss any signs of Koa struggling too much.

I finished the blog post. I took Koa out for another walk, and he only peed again. We got back home, and I fixed Koa another meal. Fortunately, he still had his appetite, and he also was still drinking well enough. After a little while, I texted my coach, telling her about the situation with Koa, and how worried I was. I asked her if she could help me to call the vet, as I was already in tears over the stress. Koa had swallowed the tail around midnight the previous night, and this night, his poop turned to diarrhea, which is usually a sign that something is not going too well in the bowels. She texted me that she would make the call, and try to be at our place as soon as she could.

Unfortunately, she had not asked the questions that I told her were important to me, to be able to deal with this situation appropriately. When she got to our place, she called the vet again… And again didn’t ask my questions. She kept hanging on the part that I already knew, the part that didn’t help me. And she kept repeating the things she had found online, which sounded like she had swallowed an AI generator (as I had used AI myself to check on the things I thought I knew were indeed correct), and it was a bit annoying. She kept focusing on the “positive things”, but I kept telling her I needed to know about the negative ones, and how I would need to act if any of those would happen later… So that was not really helping me.

We walked Koa for a while, and still no poop. When she left, she let me know to update her before 17, so she could check with the vet, so I could be prepared for the evening and night. I had a bit of hope that she finally understood what I needed, and I would make sure to give the best update later that day, so she could check, and prepare me for the situations that could happen.

I tried to relax for a little while, as all the worrying, and the lack of decent sleep, was getting to me. I was so hyper vigilant of every sound that Koa made, of every little thing he did, so worried that something in his behavior would change, and not in a good way. So while I really needed to recharge my battery a bit, I could not switch myself off for a bit, as my focus was so strong towards keeping an eye on Koa… I was so worried that I would miss a sign, a warning, and then realize it too late. The trauma still has a strong grip on me, unfortunately.

I walked with Koa, and when it was time for his meal, he still ate it like a mad-man. Which was a good sign. When it was time to get ready for bed, I set an alarm, so I could update the coach in time, so she could make the promised call for me. Turned out I didn’t need the alarm, as I barely managed to sleep for half an hour. Then I woke up from Koa whining a bit, and I wasn’t able to sleep some more.

I took Koa out to the garden, and started typing all the observations in a chat with the coach. And… Nothing happened. No indication that she read the messages. No reply. Absolutely nothing. Around 17:15, I texted our friend that had helped us over the weekend. She immediately asked me about my worries, about my questions, and about my observations. And then, she made the call for me. After a few minutes, she updated me. We discussed it all, and then she made a second call for me. While she was on the phone for me, I got an incoming call from the coach. I ignored it, as it had been an hour since I shared everything with her… She sent a text, which was not helpful at all, and, as later turned out, was very bad advice for Koa’s situation.

Our friend asked if she could call me to discuss the outcome from her call with the vet. I was sobbing a little, and I told her so, but also told her it was OK to call me. While she explained everything to me, I got even a bit angry with the coach, as she broke her promise, she made light of it, and her advice was not good at all… When we ended the call, I wrote a long text, where I told her that someone else made the call because she never responded. And that what she had told me to do, was bad advice, and I told her what the right advice should have been.

I wanted to sleep, I was so tired. But I was also worried, and my body was sore all over. I finally dozed off, and managed a whole 2½ hours of sleep, until Koa woke me up again. It was a different kind of whine, and I got up fast to take him outside. Within a few minutes, Koa started to bend down and… One poop came out! I was so excited, after 23 hours, he finally pooped. I got my bright headlamp, and with my left hand, I tried to examine it as good as I could. And, if I was not mistaken, part of the poop seemed to be formed by a tail! It really looked like the whole thing had come out in one piece!

I was very excited and happy about this. I tried to get back to bed, but I guess that pushing that thing out had brought some discomfort to Koa, and as soon as I was in bed, he started whining. So, totally exhausted, sore all over, but also extremely relieved, I got up, again, and Koa and I started our “day” a little early.

Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:

:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾

#PixysJourney
#WeirdFolks
#ActuallyAuDHD
#KoaKoolani

#Journal of a very worried Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Sunday, 23/08/2026).

After a bit of a broken night, Koa and I got up to start our “day”. We did all the usual things, and then we got to the couch. I got out my laptop, and started to write an answer email to my sweet friend. Koa was next to me, playing with his IKEA dachshund plushie. At some point, it fell to the ground. While I picked it up, I heard Koa chew. When I saw the plush, I realized what he was chewing on. But by the time I had my left hand free to check his mouth, it was gone. I panicked for a while, and didn’t know what to do.

I tried to look up the actions needed, after such a happening. Koa could get an injection to induce vomiting, but it was most effective when administered in the next 1-2 hours. I started crying, as there was no way that I would be able to arrange someone to drive us to the on duty emergency vet, depending where the vet was. So I cried some more, and looked up the rest of the recommendations. I felt so guilty for not having the means to get Koa to a vet in time, and I even considered just calling the vet, and daring to drive myself. But that idea was struck down by an immense fear, as due to the surgery and splint, I was prohibited by law to drive. And, if something would go wrong, I would also not be insured (and I still couldn’t get Koa the help he needed in time). I was a wreck and so confused as what to do. I cried for quite some time, while bullying myself for not being a responsible humom.

I texted my friend about what happened, as I needed to share it with someone, and I was hoping she would have some advice that I could use. I had looked up all the things that I needed to keep an eye out on, and decided to just keep monitoring like a hawk. I managed to finish the email to my friend. Every time Koa made a weird sound, or did something, I went to check on him. I was so terribly worried…

When I had finished the email, I took Koa out for a walk. He behaved like he usually does. He peed, he pooped, and had all the sniffs. We got back, and I fixed my brekkie, and ate it. I started writing my journal toot. When Koa let me know he wanted to go out, I got ready for another walkies with him. He was still his usual self, but that didn’t stop me from worrying every second.

We got back from walkies, and I fixed Koa’s meal. He was still eating like a hungry Lab, so I guessed that this was a good sign (so far). What made watching him a bit harder, was that before the swallowing of the tail, he already made the occasional whining noises, probably due to his ears. So, I told myself that so long as the whining didn’t change in any ways, it wasn’t due to the tail… Or so I hoped…

I made myself some food. I had a lasagna, easy to make, and able to eat with just one hand. While I was eating the lasagna, I started to feel nauseated. At first I thought it was because there were some mushy bits of carrot in it, that didn't feel good in my mouth. But that normally wouldn't make me so nauseous. I didn't finish the meal. And within 15 minutes, it was all coming back out. When I checked the packaging of the lasagna, at the end of the ingredients list, I found the cause of my throwing up: zucchini. The lasagna I usually buy, they don't have the carrots or the zucchini, so I didn't realize I should have checked the ingredients for this one.

I felt a bit better again, but still felt so worried about Koa. I tried to do the usual things, while keeping an eye on the dude. During the walkies, he acted all normal. And then, when our friend came, he was all excited and happy. He showed most of his usual behavior. The only thing he now also did with our friend, was to grab her hand or arm, and he nibbled and kinda sucked while he did this. He did it more than usual with me already, but now he did it to her too.

I kept being unsure if waiting for it to hopefully come out on its own was the right thing to do. But what could a vet do now? It was way too late for the vomiting trick to work. Maybe they would take an x-ray to see where the tail was... But then? I was so worried, so conflicted, because I wanted to get help for him, but it would probably be too expensive for me to afford, even with the insurance (if they would pay me back for costs like these...). I felt like such a bad person for not immediately calling someone to get Koa the help he could/would need.

Our friend walked with Koa for me, so he could get his walkies, and I could get some rest. I glanced at the tracker app every now and then, and saw that our friend was spoiling Koa with a rather long walk. So I had a bit of time to relax and prepare for bedtime, and Koa got some exercise in, which could help him with his excessive energy.

When they came back, I had one more challenging question for our friend: if she would be able to sow up the Dachshund's butt, so that Koa could take it with him for bedtime. It was a challenge for her for sure, but, in the end, the plush had a sowed up butt. Yay! I thanked her again, and then she headed off to another appointment. She had been a great help, and Koa and I are lucky to have her as a friend.

I got everything ready for bed, and Koa and I headed to the bedroom. When Koa finished his snack, and had a bit to drink, he made himself comfortable, and slowly dozed off. Unfortunately, it took a while longer for me to doze off. And, when I was finally snoozing, Koa woke me up for a drink and potty break. I slept a bit after that. When Koa woke me up again, it was still a bit early. But the way he whined, it sounded like potty break. And since he still had the plushies tail in him, I quickly got up, got Koa out of the crate, and we started our "day".

Would this be a good day, where Koa would (hopefully) poop out the little tail?

Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:

:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾

#PixysJourney
#WeirdFolks
#ActuallyAuDHD
#KoaKoolani

#Journal of a worried Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Saturday, 22/08/2026).

After a bit of a mixed night, Koa woke me up again, and informed me that it was time for us to start our “day”. I fixed Koa’s food, took me meds, got dressed, and then, we headed to the couch. While I was busy, trying to write an answer email to my sweet friend. While I was busy typing, Koa was busy chewing on one of his snacks. And yes, I checked to make sure if it was a snack, and not something else he was secretly trying to destroy.

At some point, I heard Koa gobbling up his snack too quickly, and I think it got stuck in his throat for a while. Koa was stressed, and he drank almost all of his water-bowl in one go. He was panting, whining a bit, and constantly grabbing for my hand. I did my best to check his mouth and throat, and I could find nothing stuck somewhere. So I thought that the last bit of the snack had been stuck for a little while, which caused him the distress. As it took some time for Koa to settle down, I texted a dear friend that I was worried about him.

The panting got less, he had a normal pee and poop, he was able to eat without any visible issues. The only thing that remained, was the occasional sad whining. But the difficult thing was/is, that Koa has always been a bit of a whiner, ever since he came to live with me (probably due to his ears). So I had no idea what these whines were about, making me worry all through the night.

After I finished the email to my friend, I took Koa out for walkies. He did all the usual things in his normal ways. But, when we got back, there were moments again where Koa let out some of his sad whines. I made and ate my brekkie, and then I started writing my blog post for that day. Koa seemed to relax a bit more. But, every time he whined a bit again, I felt it through and through. I felt so helpless, as I felt like he was dealing with some sort of discomfort, and I just wanted him to feel better again, but I didn’t know how to help him.

I scheduled the blog post, walked another short round with Koa, and fed him his meal. I watched him closely, and I saw no issues with his eating. But shortly after he finished, he lay down, and there was some whining again. I tried to comfort him every time when he whined, but I still felt like I should be doing more to help him feel better.

I started writing my journal toot, but my hands were tired, and I had to take it easy for a bit. I fixed some food, and when I had enjoyed it, Koa wanted out for another walk. After the walk, I tried to relax a bit, until our friend was coming. She texted that she was on her way, but Koa hinted that he needed to go out. I texted our friend that we were heading out for a short walk, and just as Koa and I were heading out the door, our friend walked up to our home.

We went for a little walk, which seemed to make Koa happy. We talked about what happened with Koa during the night. Our friend observed Koa for a while, and of course, Koa didn’t show any of the signs, as he was too excited of her visiting us. She checked some of the things that I had observed with Koa with some info she found online.

The trouble is, that I don’t really have a “natural baseline” for Koa. When he came to me, he whined every now and then. But, it was stressful, being away from his family. And, when he moved into my home, he already had some issues with some ear wax. So, he could have been dealing with his ears already then. He never completely stopped the occasional whining, but then, his ears weren’t being treated yet, as I didn’t know that he was suffering from the infections. So, it’s making it very hard for me to know the actual reasons for his whining. He doesn’t do it all the time, and he’s not really showing any other clear signs that he’s in some sort of discomfort.

It’s also harder for us to really find out what Koa is dealing with, as he never showed any of the clear signs of dealing with ear infections, except maybe the little whines, so there are no diminishing signs to show us that the treatment is working. And… He will be 6 months in a few days time, so there is so much happening in his body and mind. He’s still growing, so there’s always a chance of growing pains. He’s hitting puberty, so that means a lot of changes too. And, if he has been dealing with his ears since he was just a wee lad, then it will be strange to him what could be happening to his ears now, as the meds are (hopefully) destroying the infections.

We tried to find out all we could, and the answers we found were good, but inconclusive, as we can’t be sure of any of it. There are moments where I wish dogs could just talk to us with words. So Koa could tell me why he keeps whining every now and then, so I could make sure to do anything possible to help him feel better again.

My friend joined us for a nice walk, and then she got ready to head back home again. Of course, within a few minutes, Koa lay himself down again, and did the little sad whiney thing again. I tried to capture it on video, so I could share it with our friend. When she heard some of the little whines, she understood why they worried me some. So I’ll just keep monitoring Koa as best as I can, so I can give him the best support.

Koa had his meal, I had a snack, and then I got everything ready so we could head to bed. It took me quite a while to get comfortable enough to doze off, as my hand was being annoying. When I was finally snoozing, Koa woke me up to get a drink, and go potty. We went back to bed after that, and I managed to get some sleep, until Koa woke me up again. We went outside, Koa did his thing, and back to bed again. Koa whined a bit again, and I checked the clock, and told Koa I needed a bit more sleep. And, for some magical reason, he stopped whining, and we dozed off again. An hour later, Koa told me that it was, in fact, now time to get up. So I did, and we started our “day”.

Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:

:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾

#PixysJourney
#WeirdFolks
#ActuallyAuDHD
#KoaKoolani

#Journal of a very stressed Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Tuesday, 18/08/2026).

Due to me waiting endlessly for my meds to be delivered, there wasn't much time for me to catch some sleep, until Koa would wake me up again for his pee, poop, and, of course, food. When I just dozed off, a buzzing terrorist 🦟 decided to hover around my head, making me very cranky. When I applied the deet, and turned on the UV swatter, it took a little while before I managed to doze off again. After just two hours, I woke up for the loo. I decided to take Koa out for a wee, and gave him some kibble (as I always do) when he went back to the crate. I had given him a little extra, hoping it would buy me some more time to sleep.

Unfortunately, Koa woke me up again around midnight. So, after about 4 hours of sleep in total, feeling like utter crap, I got up to start our "day". I let Koa out, and then I fixed his food. While Koa was enjoying his meal, I tried to get dressed. My hand was swollen enough to make it hurt more again, so getting dressed was a bit more challenging. When I was done, I had to make due with my short working meds, because I never received the ones I had been waiting on for so long... When Koa had finished his meal, and I took some of the meds available to me, we got to the couch.

I got my tablet out, and worked for a while to write a reply to my sweet friend's email. When I was finally done, as typing is still so slow these days, I took Koa out for a little walk. I fixed my brekkie after that, and then I started writing my journal toot. It was a harder one to write, as I still felt much of the stress and frustration of the previous day. I seemed to be typing for ages, and when I was finally done, I felt a bit of relief, in a way. But my hands also needed a proper rest. So, I tried to relax for a while, as best as my body was allowing it. And after a bit, it was time to take out Koa for a walk again.

When we got back, I fed the little monster, and made some food for myself. Unfortunately, my food made me feel so very nauseous all of a sudden, and I had to rush to the loo. So, besides feeling terribly sore all over, I now was feeling super nauseous as well. This was going to be a fun filled day...
I walked a short walk with Koa again, and then I tried to get a bit more relaxed. The message from the hospital said they'd call at 8:30, so of course I made sure to be ready for it. And, of course, the left me waiting till 8:50 before they finally called. Ugh, how I dislike people treating others that way... But I could have known, as I had dealt with this person before, and they left me waiting for ages before finally contacting me before as well.

They started with some sort of apology about the confusion concerning my canceled appointments. I was supposed to receive a call last Friday, from the planning folks, where they should have explained that they made an error with the planning... But nope, they just deleted the appointments, and that was it... So I guess she never read my message properly, as I clearly stated that I had received no form of explanation... Ugh... The rest of the call was rather tedious, as it was the same stuff as after my previous hand surgery. Still the same comments of all I should be doing, and still the same resistance when I tried to explain to them, again, that due to how my brain communicates with my body, the standard things just won't work for me. They still pressed on about how I should at least try certain things... I stopped explaining that those things had not worked for me for all my life, so I doubted they would magically start working now... I just didn't have the spoons for this stuff...

The dreadful call lasted for half an hour. I was even more exhausted than before, when the line finally disconnected. Soon after that, my mum arrived, and we got ready for her to help me take a well needed shower. It was a bit of a hassle, but in the end, I did feel a bit better. I still don't like the sensation of the water, and it's even harder when you're not the one in control, but it was worth it to feel a bit more refreshed again.

When I finally managed to get dressed again, Koa was showing me he was a bit displeased with my lack of action. I should have walked with him after the phone call, but I really needed to shower first, to get that done. So, mum and I took Koa out for a little walk, which seemed to please the dude, so that was a plus. When we got back, mum wanted to get the vacuum out, as it had been two weeks since it was last done. I tried to gather some courage to make a phone call, as I had to find out what happened to the meds that I really needed. So, I made the call, and explained the situation. They told me they'd check, and then call me back. Which they did, a few minutes later. And it turned out, my meds had been delivered, sort of... They had put them in the mailbox! While I sat there, waiting... And while last year, when I had asked them if it were possible to get meds to the mailbox, as I could not be home all afternoon, since I needed to take Arwen out at times. And the man told me, with great conviction, that they were never allowed to do that, due to theft. They needed to deliver it to a person, answering the recipient's door... So yeah... Never believe what they tell ya, I guess... 🤔

So, I hung up, frustrated with yet another thing that just made no sense at all, and I went to the mailbox to get my meds, finally... When mum was ready, it was time for us to get to the car, and head to Cuijk for my physio. The session helped me to get a bit of relief in my right shoulder and back. Then, we headed back to Herpen. A quick pitstop at the supermarket. Then, mum took Koa for a little round over the field behind the house, while I put away the groceries, and then fixed Koa's meal.

I tried to eat a bit, as I was hungry, since I had not eaten anything since I became so nauseous and threw up after my morning meal. Koa and I relaxed a bit on the couch, with a bit of telly. As I was rather tired from all the happenings, and lack of decent sleep. So, I started to get everything ready to head to bed.
I woke up once to a buzzing terrorist. I applied some deet, turned on the UV swatter, and fell back asleep. Koa woke me up after a few hours for a potty break. And then, he allowed me to sleep some more hours. I got a little over 7 hours of sleep in total, which had been very welcome. So now, Koa and I got up to start our "day".

Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:

:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾

#PixysJourney
#WeirdFolks
#ActuallyAuDHD
#KoaKoolani

#Journal of a very stressed and exhausted Dutch AuDHD Pixy (Monday, 17/08/2026).

After a bit of a broken night, Koa and I got up to start our "day". I got dressed, fixed Koa's kibble, and took my meds. When Koa had finished with his meal, we got to the couch. I got my tablet, and started writing an email to my sweet friend. When I was done, Koa and I went for a short walk.

I fixed some brekkie when we got back. After that, I got my laptop, and wrote my journal Toot. After that, I finished up my journal blog post. I worked a little bit on a new post, but after all that typing, my hands were rather tired, and a tad sore. I tried to relax a little bit, before it was time to walk with Koa again.

After the walk, I fed the little bugger. I got back to the couch a little while, but my hip, back, and neck were causing me some discomfort. So getting some proper rest was not really possible. A little while later, I fixed myself some food. I went out with Koa again, and then I got ready to walk to the GP's office for my appointment. It was raining quite a bit, which was very good for nature, but made things a bit more challenging for me. When you only have one functioning hand, and you need to hold an umbrella.

I had set up the tablet again to keep an eye out on Koa, especially after what had happened last Friday. I wasn't able to watch the screen, as I could not hold the phone, due to the umbrella. But I could hear his barking. He did not bark continuously, but there was a bit of barking while I tried to walk to the GP. I had taken an extra painkiller, as I knew my back would not be too pleased with the longer walk.

I arrived at the office, and while it was grey, wet, and only 16°C, I was sweating like crazy. I tried to relax a bit, hoping my temperature would get a bit better. I tried to watch the video from the tablet, but it was a bit too dark to see Koa in the crate. I could hear him though, and thankfully, he seemed to get a bit calmer. It was almost 8, so I put away the phone, to make it easier to follow the GP when she called me in.

We had a good chat, where she informed me on some options when it comes to trying to manage my peri issues. And we talked a bit about my pain management, and my need for a new prescription for some painkillers. She send the pharmacy a new order for meds, and added that it should be delivered today. I thanked the GP, and got ready to brave the rain again.

When I got home, I was hoping to relax a wee bit, before the coach would come. But Koa let me know that he wanted out for a little walk. So, instead of some rest, I was back out in the rain again. We walked a short round, and on the way home, I saw the coach already parked. She was a bit early, and on the phone. Koa and I went inside, and a few minutes later, the doorbell rang. No rest for the wicked.

The coach and I discussed several things. She noticed that I was tired so we only did the necessary things. Then she offered me to walk with Koa so he could have a bit of exercise, and I could have a little bit of rest. After Koa came back home, the coach headed to her next appointment.

I felt rather broken, I was hurting all over, and the couch was not allowing me to rest properly. SD Koa had just been taken for a walk, I decided we'd get to the bedroom for a bit, so we could both try to relax a bit. It would be a longer day, as I should be getting my meds this afternoon.

I watched some series on my tablet, and Koa snoozed for a while. I found it hard to relax, as I was just so sore, and it seemed impossible to get comfortable. We got up again, I fixed Koa's meal, and after a bit of telly, I texted my coach and asked if she could help me. But there came no reply for quite a while, and I still needed the help. So, I texted a dear friend, explained the situation, and asked if she could help me. She said OK, and called the pharmacy to check if all went well, and that they would be delivering the meds this afternoon. I was very grateful that she wanted to check it for me. And glad that they said that the meds were on their way.

I also asked my friend if she could help with the issue I was having with the hospital. Where all of a sudden, they canceled all my scheduled hand therapy, and instead only gave me a phone appointment for an intake... I was so confused, as I had already started therapy on Friday morning. I had sent them a message through their app, and had not heard back yet. I shared all info with my friend, and she was OK to call the hospital for me the next day.

We were chatting while I was waiting for the meds. As it was getting later and later, I was getting worried that something was not right. I did receive a message from the hospital though. But, it was a bit weird. While it did give me a time when to expect the call, it referred to a message I supposedly had been sent by them. That message should contain some sort of explanation for the situation with the cancelation of my appointments. I checked all my emails, I checked every option in their app... But, I couldn't find that message anywhere... So that only brought me more annoyance. 😔

Time kept ticking away, and when it was 17:45, I was giving up the last bit of hope that I would be able to get my meds for the night. They had told my friend twice that the delivery was coming... Guess they forgot about me. My whole body was so sore. I was so tired. I had wasted my time, waiting for the meds, meaning there was less time left to get some sleep as after some time, I would need to get up, as Koa needed his routine when it comes to his meals.

I f got to bed, and my brain was such a mess due to the incompetence of the medical field today. So I wasted another precious hour, while I tried to get my brain calm enough to be able to doze off. Then, when I just dozed off, a buzzing terrorist 🦟 came at me. I was so frustrated with everything, that I ended up crying while I was applying some deet, and I turned on the UV fly fryer.

I woke up when a terrorist decided to commit suicide... That was one mosquito that would not be bugging me anymore. I went to the loo, took Koa out for a wee, and I gave him some kibble, hoping it would buy me some extra time to sleep... I dozed off again. Unfortunately, around midnight, Koa woke me up, ready to start his "day". So, with just over 4 hours of sleep, it was time to get up again. I wondered how I wad going to get through this day... Especially with that intake call, going to PT, and hopefully being able to finally get the meds I need...

Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:

:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾

#PixysJourney
#WeirdFolks
#ActuallyAuDHD
#KoaKoolani

#Journal of a tired and slightly worried Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Friday, 14/08/2026).

I had been hoping for a good long sleep, but as mum came later than planned, and it took me a while to doze off, I had slept a little less than I needed. When I woke up for the loo, I saw the time, and new that I had to take over from mum, so she could get enough sleep to drive us around the next day. So, I got up, and mum could go to bed.

I took my meds and fed the little dude. Then, we got to the couch. I got my tablet out, and started writing my email to my sweet friend. It took me a while, but I managed to finish it and send it. I took Koa out for a little walk. When we got back, I fixed myself some brekkie. When I was finished, I got started on my journal toot. The cast was bothering me some, and it was a bit of a challenge to get the journal bit done.

When I was finally done with all the typing, I put away the tablet, and I tried to relax a bit. After some time, I took Ko out for another short walk. I fixed him some food, and then we tried to relax a bit. Mum got up, and when she was done, we took Koa out for a longer walk. Then, I set up the tablet to spy on Koa, and mum and I headed to the hospital.

It was good that I was watching the cam, as I saw Koa being in huge distress. I had never seen him act this way. He was trying with all his might to open the crate door. He was acting so panicky that I got all upset. Fortunately, mum was able to turn around and head back home. We realized that Koa had not gotten himself something to drink before we left, so I rushed inside, and grabbed a bowl with water as fast as I could. I opened the crate, offered the bowl, and as Koa was drinking, he seemed to relax a bit. I gave him some cuddles, I offered some more water, and when Koa didn't want any more, I cuddled him some more. Then, I had to leave him again, as we needed to head to the hospital.

I was still a bit anxious, and I kept checking on the camera as much as I could. But, Koa seemed more settled down, which eased some of my anxiety and worries. We got to the hospital, and checked in. We were a bit early, so there was some time to spend in the waiting room. Unfortunately, there was someone already there who could not keep their foot still. They were constantly wiggling their foot, and it drove me nuts. I tried to turn away from it, which made the uncomfortable chairs even more painful to sit on. When I finally got called in, it was such a relief. All that wiggling, and those bad chairs, it was eating away my short stack of spoons.

The ergo therapist cut away my cast, and then, she started working on making me a plastic splint. It took some efforts and some time, and my hand felt rather sore when she was finally done. My fingers were still rather cold and numb, so when I got to the next appointment, the physio one, my fingers were painful, and not willing to really cooperate. I tried to get the exercises done, but it hurt so much, as my fingers were rather unresponsive. I got a bit annoyed with both myself, and with the therapist, as she didn't really understood how my body worked. It's the same issues that I had after my last hand surgery. Because the way my body works, the way I experience sensation and pain, I'm not "according to textbook". Which means that, when I object to their reasoning, they see me as stubborn more than that they accept that I am not "just" an average person that they see every day.

I was very glad when we were able to head home. I checked on the camera, and saw that the crate was empty. Which meant that Koa was now enjoying some excellent care from our neighbor. Mum and I made a pitstop at the store, and then quickly headed home. Mum got ready to head back home, as did the neighbor. I thanked them both. And then, I got to the couch for a bit, as I was so exhausted. And we still had the vet appointment in the afternoon. It was already getting very hot, so I was a bit worried about the vet visit this afternoon, knowing the friend that was driving us didn't have aircon in her car.

Koa and I tried to relax for a little while. But it was hard for me to really relax. I was a bit afraid that I would fall asleep, and then not be ready in time to feed Koa, and to get to our friends for the vet visit. So, when my friend, and her son, got here, I was out of spoons, and I did my best to keep going.

The ride was super hot, and I was afraid it would be too warm for Koa. I felt so sorry for the dude, being in that hot car. When we got to the vet, we had to wait a little bit. I still find it hard to go to the vet, cause every time, I get triggered to that last visit with Arwen. Especially when one of the vets made the comment that they loved to see the dogs come in, wagging their tail. I had to focus so hard not to burst out in tears, as the last vet visit with Arwen, when she was suffering so much, she still wagged her tail when she went inside. I shared a blog post about that in November, and it was one of the hardest posts that I had every written.

They started with checking Koa's ears. It took the vet, an assistant, and my friend to keep Koa still enough for them to check his ears. They didn't like how Koa reacted, so just to be sure, they took a swab from each ear, as they suspected Koa's yelping reaction was because of some sort of infection. They took the swabs to be checked, and indeed, Koa has an infection in both ears. I got another flashback, and I tried to push the tears away again. But, the "good" news was, that his kind was less severe, and hopefully easier to treat, than the infections that Arwen had.

Next up, they drew some blood, for the titer test. As they were with three adults now, the drawing of blood went a lot better than last time. After waiting some more, they had a good outcome for us. All vaccinations were totally OK. They had to give Koa his meds for his ears, which needed to be squeezed into them. The crying that Koa did while they did that, heck, I was crying a bit now. When all was done, I paid (there goes my money...), and we scheduled a follow up appointment to check on his ears.

The drive home was even warmer than the drive there. As glad and grateful I was for my friend driving, I was also glad to be back home, and that Koa would be able to relax and cool off again. I slowly prepared everything so Koa and I could go to bed. It was already a bit later than usual, and the day had left me so incredibly exhausted.

It took a little while to get comfortable. I had finally dozed off, and slept for a little while, when a buzzing terrorist decided to wake me up. I tried to fall asleep again, and there the buzzing idiot was again... I used some deet on my hands and head, and I activated the UV fly "swatter". After a bit of time, I heard some buzzing, and then a big crack. One of the buzzing beats was no more. I managed to fall asleep again. When I woke up for the loo, I took Koa out as well. When he got back to his crate, and I got back to bed, he was a bit restless. So, I sat with him for a while, until he calmed down.

I got back to sleep, and woke a bit when another buzzing terrorist fried himself, and I dozed off again. When I woke up again, I was a bit shocked by the time. I wondered why Koa had not woken me up yet, as it was past his food time. So, I quickly got up, let Koa out, prepped his food, and I took my meds, Then, we started our "day".

Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:

:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾

#PixysJourney
#WeirdFolks
#ActuallyAuDHD
#KoaKoolani

#Journal of a very sore and emotional Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Tuesday, 11/08/2026).

After all the stress of the Monday afternoon, I had a shorter night than I had hoped for. But I understood that it was time for Koa to get out of the crate, and to enjoy a nice meal. Afterall, he had been snoozing already while I was stressing over getting my meds before the pharmacy would close. And then, waiting for them to be delivered. Ah well, after all these months of being tired, exhausted even, what's another short and crappy night. So, at the command of my hairy idiot, I got up, and we started our "day".

I let Koa out, got dressed, fixed Koa's kibble, took my meds (as I had them now, yay), and then I got to the couch. I grabbed the laptop, and wrote an email to my sweet friend. I still felt very numb. And I kept starting to cry every few minutes. I'm just so lost and I have all these fears and doubts. What happened with me and Koa, it still haunts me. Everyone I've talked with, they all tell me that I didn't react as bad as I feel about it. And I know that these people would not be dishonest about that to me, as they know how important honesty is for me, even if it's bad news.

I finished the email to my sweet friend, and then I took Koa out for a short walk. When we got back, I fixed some brekkie. Then I started writing my journal Toot. I did it on my phone, as my back was sore from leaning forward to the laptop and I had to lay down for a bit. My back, neck, and shoulder muscles were giving me such a hard time. I was really hoping that later today, my physio would be able to make things better. Even the slightest improvement would make a big difference, or so I hoped...

When I had finished my journal and uploaded it to the usual places, it was time to try and work on a blog post for Wednesday, as I was all out... And I really don't want to lose my 6-year streak. I had already started on a post, so fortunately it was less work to finish it. I really hope that, when the painful cast is taken off, and I'll get the temporary plastic splint, it will then become easier for me to type.

I walked again with the furball, and then I fixed food for him. I tried to relax a bit, after I'd been typing most of the night. My silly bursts of tears were becoming a bit less frequent, which was good, as I didn't want to be all sobby when mum would take me to physio. I fixed myself some food. After a nice meal, I had to rinse off the artificial grass. I can't leave that too long, especially with the warmer, sunny weather as the grass needs to stay proper for as long as possible. It's too expensive for me to replace it every now and then. It really needs to last for as many years as possible. So, I need to stay on top of it.

It was a challenge to keep my cast dry, and to not be jumped over by the nutty Lab. It's already difficult when you have two working hands... Having only one, not even a very good one, and needing to keep the cast dry... I'll be very happy when I can use both my hands again. 😊

I was watching some telly, while cooling the cast and skin around it, as it was itching like crazy, when mum texted me that she was on her way. When she arrived, we chatted for a while, and I started crying again. Telling her what had happened, and how awful I was feeling. 😢 When it was almost time to get ready to head to physio, mum and walked with the brown idiot. After that, we got to the car, and we headed to Cuijk.

And seeing how mum is driving these days, it makes me worry that an accident is going to happen at some point. 😢 She made a mistake on a roundabout, one she'd made before, and one that's dangerous to make. I yelled at her, as she freaked me out with that action. Just like how I freaked out last time she did that. But there are so many little things that she used to do do much better, that I really worry about her being on the road like that. But, I was honest and I told her. I know it must have been difficult for her to hear. But if she drives as insecure as she does now, it really worries me.

We got to physio a bit early. We waited and even Koa was doing a great job. When it was my turn, my PT got me a massage on my back and shoulders. It was rather painful, but he did his best to loosen up the tight muscles. When he was done, and I got up, I was dizzy for a bit. Then mum and I headed back home again. This time I gave her a slightly different route, that would hopefully be less stressful.

Mum got us back home. She took Koa for a wee on the dry, grassy field, and then she quickly had to head home for another appointment. I fixed Koa's meal, and tried to eat a bit myself. But, I got nauseous after a few bites, so I put the snack away. I watched some telly, and then my neighbor texted she was coming to pick up Koa for a nice walk. Koa got all excited, and it was a challenge to get his leash on. So I let him greet the neighbor, and then we put the leash on. Without looking back, he was off on a nice adventure.

I took my meds, and just relaxed watching telly. The neighbor and Koa came back and he was worn out all the way. She told me they had a good walk, and he seemed to enjoy it tremendously. The neighbor left, Koa drank away all he could, and I got things ready to head to bed. I was hoping to get some decent sleep tonight, as I really needed it badly.

Koa was exhausted, he had his snack and a drink, and he just let himself crash. He was still panting, and while I was reading, hoping to doze off, I also kept listening, hoping Koa's breathing would calm down. When I heard him being more relaxed, I dozed off. Unfortunately, I woke up again about half an hour later, as my hand was tingling, which hurt rather annoyingly. It took some time for my hand to find a position that helped it to stop hurting.

I dozed off again. But I kept waking up so often, as in my sleep, my arm would turn a wee bit, and it felt like the cast was pressing against a nerve, that kept triggering the tingling. At one point, it was so bad, that it took almost two hours before my hand stopped hurting too much, and I was finally able to fall asleep again. I still woke up several times. But I was amazed that Koa let me try to sleep for so long. I almost felt like he understood that I needed some sleep to feel a bit better again.

I will need to contact the hospital in the morning, to ask them about this. It hurts so much when the tingling is happening. And sometimes, it feels like my thumb is experiencing little spasms. I will need to contact the neighbor first, because if they want me to come in (which I am hoping for, as I don't want to deal with this for two more nights - and when it happens during the day), I hope that she can command Skoosh to get us to the hospital (and back again of course). Let's see what the new day will bring...

Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:

:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾

#PixysJourney
#WeirdFolks
#ActuallyAuDHD
#KoaKoolani

#Journal of a very ashamed Dutch AuDHD Pixy :pixy_party: (Monday, 10/08/2026).

The "day" started as usual, with Koa waking me up, while I could have used some more sleep. We got up, and did our normal routine. After that, I got to the couch, grabbed my laptop, and started an email to my sweet friend.

After some time, my bowels started to hurt. They always shut down for a few days after I've had anesthesia. And this pain meant I had to run to the loo. While I was "dealing with it", Koa came very happily to the loo. In his mouth, he had a bit of broken cable. I started to freak out, as there aren't many places where he could have gotten it. When I was finally done, Koa rushed to his bed, and started chewing some more. I saw what it was, and I saw red. And, I whacked him. This scared the heck out of both me and him. Koa rushed to the crate, and I quickly closed it.

I was so shocked, so angry, so disappointed, so disgusted with my own behavior. I sat in front of the crate for 15 minutes, rocking myself, crying, trying to make sense of it all. I saw Koa looking at me through the wires of the crate. His eyes made me cry some more, I felt so terribly bad. When I calmed down a bit, I opened the crate. Koa slowly started to climb onto my legs, and then began licking my tears. I cried, tried to hug him as best as I could, tried to calm down. And while my tears were being "kissed" away, while I was stroking his fur, holding him tight, I felt so numb. And this scared me as well...

Why didn't I feel anything? Why was it like I was dead inside? These feelings, these questions, they would keep me occupied for most of the day...

After some time, Koa was done with the whole cuddling thing. He left me, and I got up, and headed back to the couch. I wrote my email, mostly about everything that had just happened. When I was done, I took Koa for a walk. Hoping some fresh air would help me.

When we got back, I fixed myself some brekkie. Then, I tried to write up my journal Toot. It took me a while, as I was so overwhelmed with the previous events. When I was finally done, I put the laptop away and I tried to relax for a bit. Then, another short walk with Koa. I made him some food, and tried to distract myself with some more telly.

I felt like crap, and every few minutes, I started crying again. I was still so overwhelmed, so depressed, so confused. I tried to "just" keep going. Fortunately, after a while, the crying became a bit less. I walked with Koa again, and then I waited for the coach to come.

When she did, she helped me to call the GP about getting some meds. It was hard, especially when she forced me to talk, I felt so incredibly uncomfortable and stressed. In the end, she offered to take Koa for a walk. Which was very nice, as it gave me a wee bit of time to relax. When they got back, she left for her next appointment. Koa took a little time to unwind, and when he did, we were able to relax a bit together.

After some time, I fixed him some food. We went out for a last time, and we got ready for bed. I was hoping to get my new meds delivered in the afternoon, so I tried to stay awake to not miss the doorbell. I also checked my phone many times. And then, around 15:45, the GP called me. I started to stress, but they said they had approved the meds request. When I asked about the delivery of them, they said they added that it should be delivered today. But, as they usually deliver between 14-16, and it was almost 16, I started to freak out. The GP told me to call the pharmacy, so some more freaking out was happening.

I managed to call the pharmacy, and they said they never received the receipt, so they could not deliver. And... I had to call the GP about it. More freaking out, I was crying, rocking myself. This was just too much, and I was too exhausted. I managed to explain it to the GP office, and they promised to try and get the meds to me today. Ugh... I was so exhausted, but tried to stay awake to not miss the doorbell. And... When it finally rang, I felt such a relief.

I let Koa out, and then we both went to bed. It didn't take too long for me to doze off. After a little less than 5 hours, Koa woke me up. We went outside, he did his things, and we went back to bed. Koa allowed me almost two more hours until he woke me up again, telling me he'd been in the crate long enough. Which I totally understand, as he's been in there all the time while I was waiting for the meds. So, with just over 6½ hours of sleep in total, feeling very groggy and doozy, I got up, and we started our "day".

Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:

:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾

#PixysJourney
#WeirdFolks
#ActuallyAuDHD
#KoaKoolani

#Journal of a slightly improving Dutch Pixy :pixy_party: (Saturday, 08/08/2026).

Finally, after two very crappy nights, where there was a lot of discomfort, and very little sleep, I had a night with some more decent hours of sleep. First I got five hours, and then Koa woke me up for a potty break. We went back to bed after that, and he allowed me two more hours of sleep, before he was done with being in the crate, and eager for a nice meal. So, after about 7 hours of sleep, while I could have used a few more to catch up, we got up and started our “day”.

I got dressed, took my meds, and fixed a meal for my dude. We got to the couch, and I got my laptop. I started my email to my sweet friend, which took some time to write. When I was finally done, I fixed myself some brekkie. After that, Koa and I had a short walk, and we got back to the couch. I started on my journal toot, which took some time to write as well. I usually enjoy writing my journal, but the last few days, it’s taken so many spoons… You’d think that typing would be an easier thing, but with a cast and all… Nope…

When I finished the journal, and I uploaded it to all the right places, I finally put away the laptop. I took Koa for another short walk, and then I tried to relax for a bit on the couch. After some time, I fixed Koa some food. I was burping some from my brekkie, but I was also feeling rather hungry, as I had not eaten very much the previous days, due to being so nauseated all the time. So when Koa was done with his meal, I prepped some food for myself. I also took one of the pills that should help to reduce the nauseous bits and bops, as I really needed to get some food in me.

I enjoyed the meal, and fortunately, the amount of reflux and burping was a lot less than it had been the previous few days. I took Koa for another short walk, and I texted the neighbor if she would be interested in taking Koa for another long walk again today. Then, I got the nozzle of the water hose, and I tried to clean the grass as best as I could, without being trampled by my wild beast. Of course, I could not film it, as I only had one hand, and it was hard enough to rinse the grass without being jumped against… But I think I managed to give it a wee bit of a rinse, and then I tried to fill up the blue shell some more.

Koa was having a great time, and in the end, I’m not sure who was wetter, him or me. Fortunately, I managed to keep my cast dry. I tried to dry off the beast, and he kept rubbing against my legs, so my pants were in need of some drying as well. I switched clothes, and then I grabbed Koa’s shark toy. I threw it in the Koa pool, and he immediately took it out, and started running around like an idiot. He almost waltzed me over once. I tried to capture a little vid of him having fun, as it had been a while since I took a video or some snaps of him.

The neighbor texted a time when she and her son would be coming over to pick up Koa. I walked a short round with him, as he indicated that he needed to go out. So we did just that, and then I watched telly, while I told Koa to relax and chill, as he would be getting a good walk soon, with possibly a bit of running as well.

Koa got picked up for his walk, and I tried to relax a bit on the couch. It was nice to just be able to lie down and watch telly, without being disturbed by a silly, attention seeking, doggo. I do love that stupid beast, but sometimes, I just need him to relax and not keep “bothering” me. I wanna be there for him, and I do my best to provide him with all I can. Heck, I even ask my neighbors to take him on some decent walks, now that I can’t provide those myself. But, with my back still recovering, with my arm in a cast, and with me feeling just so sore and tired… Sometimes I need some time for myself to unwind, to recharge. And it makes me feel bad, because I push away Koa when he’s eager for attention. But I just can’t be there for him all the time, he needs to chill from time to time. So I can do the same…

After about half an hour, the neighbor brought back one happily panting doggo. He had a good drink, and I fixed him some food. We relaxed for a while, and then I got everything ready to head to bed. I felt so tired, and my arm felt so sore… I hoped that I could catch some more sleep, and rest and not be bothered by my arm for some time.

After some reading I dozed off. But I woke up again about half an hour later. I tried to get comfortable, but my arm kept on bugging me. I was awake for several hours. I did manage to finish the book I was reading, and start a new one. But I would have preferred to get some more sleep. I took out Koa for a wee, and then we got back to bed. I finally managed to fall asleep. After a few hours, Koa woke me up again. We went out again, and back to bed. I woke up a little time later, but as Koa was quiet, and I was still so tired, I managed to doze off again, and get another hour of sleep. Then Koa did wake me up, telling me he was done with being in the crate, and that he’d like to do a number two, to make space for a lovely meal that he was eager to get. So, after getting about 6 hours of sleep in total, according to my watch, we got up, and we started our “day”.

Thanks to all for your kindness and support during my "journey through daily life" :bear_love: I really appreciate it :bear_hugs: as it helps me to keep going on bad/harder days! :bear_nuzzle:

:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾

#PixysJourney
#WeirdFolks
#ActuallyAuDHD
#KoaKoolani