P.J. Vogt, host of the Search Engine podcast, interviews writer Meghan O'Gieblyn, "who started lying to herself about her relationship to alcohol and God. And afterwards wondered: when did it start? Why did it happen? How do you make peace with the part of yourself that wants something that could destroy you?"
https://www.searchengine.show/unreliable-narrator
"There's this ideal state of wholeness that I think is the motivation for so many religious disciplines or spiritual disciplines. This idea that, oh, if I can finally let go of my ego, I'll finally be at peace with myself, and I won't be arguing with myself."
O'Gieblyn talks about surrendering to addiction as ecstatic experience.
I am not an alcoholic or an addict (other than caffeine, which I don't think counts for this type of discussion). I was a heavy smoker and compulsive eater at one time. I am very familiar with having a constant, self-critical voice in my head and I can absolutely understand the temptation to do a thing that *shuts that voice down,* even if doing that thing burns your life down in the process.
I think I will read her book next. It's "Will and Attention."