#jokeoftheday — Public Fediverse posts
Live and recent posts from across the Fediverse tagged #jokeoftheday, aggregated by home.social.
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The people who make fitted sheets need to sit down with the people who make mattresses and get on the same page.
Making the bed shouldn't be like putting a swimming cap over a fridge -
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I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden? -
Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: a stick. -
Be thankful its not snowing! Imagine having to shovel snow in this heat!
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Scientists have found that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.
Apparently its a case of in one ear and out the udder. -
I really wanted to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the cashier kept putting it back.
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Got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not happy. -
Q Why did the Yorkshireman take a plastic mattress cover with him on holiday to France?
A because he knew he was going to be in t’ continent -
Japan were banned from using martial arts skills during the World Cup. It was felt it might lead to excessive ninjary time.
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The British spelling of “diarrhoea” really looks like it’s lost control of its vowels.
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There are reports of AI-written soup recipes, but none have passed the tureen test yet.
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I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It’s something I could really see myself doing.
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I hate it when my wife gets angry with me for being lazy.
It’s not as if I did anything. -
If you die and get cremated, get yourself put into an egg-timer, so you can still help out around the kitchen.
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Owning and running your own private Minecraft server is "illegal" uwu
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I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
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They tried to make a diamond shaped like a duck but it quacked under the pressure.
#jokeoftheday #dadjokes #an-twerp
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Have you ever seen fruit preserves being made?
It's jarring the way they just jam the fruit in! -
Why do mathematicians celebrate Christmas on Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
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Have you ever tried blindfold archery?
No?
You don’t know what you’re missing -
People appreciate it when you go the extra mile…
… unless you’re a taxi driver. -
My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a Man Utd top for two weeks to see how people react.
So far he has been verbally abused, punched and spat at.
It’ll be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house -
There was a young man
from Cork, who got limericks
and haiku confused -
I was watching an Australian cookery show and the audience applauded when the chef made meringue.
This surprised me as Australians normally boo meringue. -
A bloke said to me today 'Are those thick lens glasses you're wearing?'
I said 'No, they're mine' -
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They are so full of themselves.
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I saw a one-legged man at the ATM. He was checking his balance.
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Apparently, Aldi has a special Humpty Dumpty toy for sale. It comes with Aldi King’s horses and Aldi King’s men.
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I’ve just swallowed a book of synonyms and it’s given me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had
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A photographer was tragically crushed when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.
In fairness, the people he was photographing did try to warn him. -
The Lord called Noah one day and said, "Noah, I need you to build another ark."
"What, like the last one?" Noah replied.
"Er, no..I need this one to have 6 stories."
"So do you want me to lead all the animals 2 by 2 into the ark?" Noah asked.
"No," said God, "I want you to just take fish on board."
Noah asked, "What kind of fish?"
"Just carp." replied God
"Why just carp?" asked Noah
~ wait for it -
“Because I've always wanted a multi story carp ark!” -
I used to be a fortune teller but only ever foretold bad winters! Turns out the crystal ball shop sold me a snow globe....
#jokeoftheday #joke #boost #3dcandy -
I went out with this girl the t'other night and she wore a slinky number. She really looked good going down the stairs!
#jokeoftheday #joke #slinky -
My sister turned quite a few heads when went to a fancy dress party as screwdriver.
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My sister turned quite a few heads when went to a fancy dress party as screwdriver.
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My sister turned quite a few heads when went to a fancy dress party as screwdriver.
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My sister turned quite a few heads when went to a fancy dress party as screwdriver.
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I call my termite Clint because Clint eats wood.
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The umbrella was originally just going to be called the brella, but the inventor hesitated.
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Q What do you call a small group of police disguised as trees? A Copse.
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Q What do you call a small group of police disguised as trees? A Copse.
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Q What do you call a small group of police disguised as trees? A Copse.
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Q What do you call a small group of police disguised as trees? A Copse.
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I threw a ball for my dog.
I know it was a bit extravagant, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket (tuxedo) -
An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has recently been dismissed from her job.
It seems that a male caller 'phoned in from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet my maker."
Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response. -
What do you call spiders when they get married?
Newleywebs!
#jokeoftheday #boost #3dcandy #joke -
My mate's stutter is so bad, by the time he told us his nanna had died, we were all singing Hey Jude.
