#jokeoftheday — Public Fediverse posts
Live and recent posts from across the Fediverse tagged #jokeoftheday, aggregated by home.social.
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If you die and get cremated, get yourself put into an egg-timer, so you can still help out around the kitchen.
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A photographer was tragically crushed when a massive block of cheddar fell on him.
In fairness, the people he was photographing did try to warn him. -
The Lord called Noah one day and said, "Noah, I need you to build another ark."
"What, like the last one?" Noah replied.
"Er, no..I need this one to have 6 stories."
"So do you want me to lead all the animals 2 by 2 into the ark?" Noah asked.
"No," said God, "I want you to just take fish on board."
Noah asked, "What kind of fish?"
"Just carp." replied God
"Why just carp?" asked Noah
~ wait for it -
“Because I've always wanted a multi story carp ark!” -
My sister turned quite a few heads when went to a fancy dress party as screwdriver.
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My sister turned quite a few heads when went to a fancy dress party as screwdriver.
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My sister turned quite a few heads when went to a fancy dress party as screwdriver.
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My sister turned quite a few heads when went to a fancy dress party as screwdriver.
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I call my termite Clint because Clint eats wood.
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The umbrella was originally just going to be called the brella, but the inventor hesitated.
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Q What do you call a small group of police disguised as trees? A Copse.
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Q What do you call a small group of police disguised as trees? A Copse.
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Q What do you call a small group of police disguised as trees? A Copse.
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Q What do you call a small group of police disguised as trees? A Copse.
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I threw a ball for my dog.
I know it was a bit extravagant, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket (tuxedo) -
An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has recently been dismissed from her job.
It seems that a male caller 'phoned in from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet my maker."
Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response. -
My mate's stutter is so bad, by the time he told us his nanna had died, we were all singing Hey Jude.
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What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
#jokeoftheday #alligator #vest #joke #boost -
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
#jokeoftheday #alligator #vest #joke #boost -
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
#jokeoftheday #alligator #vest #joke #boost -
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
#jokeoftheday #alligator #vest #joke #boost -
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
#jokeoftheday #alligator #vest #joke #boost -
People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven! They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
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Notice at the Zoo
“Please don’t scare the ostriches! The floors are concrete!” -
Two silkworms had a race.
They ended up in a tie. -
Two silkworms had a race.
They ended up in a tie. -
Two silkworms had a race.
They ended up in a tie. -
Two silkworms had a race.
They ended up in a tie. -
“This butter is delicious!”
“Actually, its ghee”
“Ah, thanks for clarifying!” -
The Borg? Sounds Swedish?
They are a race of cybernetic beings?
Ah! Artificial Swedeners! -
I hear they're going to start using bio-diesel made from herbs, for trains...
...Maybe ours will now run on thyme. -
Why not?
....buy a parrot and teach it to say “Help! I’ve been turned into a parrot!” -
I was at the bus stop this morning and an elderly lady said to me: “Isn’t it cold today?”
I said: “Yes, winter draws on”.
She replied: “Mind your own business young man!” -
At the age of 65, my grandma started walking 10 miles a day.
She’s 92 now, and we have no idea where she is. -
I got in trouble at the local park for lining all the squirrels up in order of height … they didn't like me critter sizing.
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When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back….
But when you do, there’s all the running and screaming… -
When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back….
But when you do, there’s all the running and screaming… -
When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back….
But when you do, there’s all the running and screaming… -
When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back….
But when you do, there’s all the running and screaming… -
Imagine how excited barn owls were when humans finally invented barns!
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Q Who led the Israelites through the semi-permeable membrane?
A Osmoses -
A storm blew a quarter of my roof away last night…. Oof!
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A storm blew a quarter of my roof away last night…. Oof!
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A storm blew a quarter of my roof away last night…. Oof!
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What do you call a Scotsman with one foot inside his hoose and one foot outside?
Hame-ish -
Some women are pear shaped. Some women are apple shaped. Doctors are looking for the cores.
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" https://punnypeak.com/cupcake-puns/
Why did the cupcake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumbly! 🧁😂
#cupcakejokes
#bakehumor
#sweetpuns
#foodielife
#dessertlover
#bakingfun
#sweetspot
#jokeoftheday
#laughingoutloud
#foodhumor" -
Why do anarchists always use tea bags?
Because proper tea is theft. -
https://punnypeak.com/knee-puns/ "
" Why did the math book need knee surgery? Because it had too many problems to solve! #jokeoftheday #pun #mathhumor #kneesurgery #procrastination #mathproblems #sillyjokes #dadjokes #kneereplacement #funnybone -
Just found out that the company that produces yardsticks won’t be making them any longer.