#theminisinghormonetherapy — Public Fediverse posts
Live and recent posts from across the Fediverse tagged #theminisinghormonetherapy, aggregated by home.social.
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CW: Medium length post talking about HRT and breast growth
It's time for another #TheminisingHormoneTherapy #HRT update!
I've been taking progesterone for 3 months now. It's going fine. If anything I don't notice a difference (except for the occasional dizzy times). However, I do feel good about taking it for a number of health reasons I heard about that may or may not be true.
It has also been 6 months since my pellet implant. I find out the results of a recent blood test in a few days. I'm excited about getting to make a medication plan again.
It's so hard to tell if my chest has gotten bigger because I have trouble recognising visual differences. Maybe? I haven't been wearing a crop top this month because of my tattoo and going down stairs feels... a lot more bouncy than I remember. Also: it's possibly more fun than before to put my hands on my chest and shake my tits up and down? (Everyone does this, right? Not just autistics?)
To be clear, this isn't a big important thing for me. I dunno, they're neat though. And I just like any body changes because they make me feel alive.
One of my doctors (who I won't intentionally go to again) said, sternly, the only reason a trans person should be on progesterone is for breast growth, so I might be internalising a desire for bigger tits as a need to medically justify keeping my prescription?
Maybe I'm also trying not to get my hopes up because I don't want to be disappointed by an eternally, relatively small chest?
Why are body changes from puberty and their resultant social significance so complicated to reconcile in your brain?
You never hear teens talking about this!
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CW: Discussion of facial hair removal
I want to get rid of my facial hair.
It's annoying to shave and I get mild dysphoria from seeing stubble and I like the look of my clean face.
However! Every now and then I look back of photos of me with facial hair and I think it's a good look and I think it'd be a shame to get rid of that as an option when I want it.
But I rarely want it as an option. Is that a good enough reason not to take it away?
And there is a pattern with all the facial hair photos I do like: I'm never smiling. But I smile a lot IRL so the look I like of a brooding, stoic figure looking cool (these are all probably not quite the words I am after) isn't real except in photos, anyway. So I wouldn't be getting rid of anything real.
Plus, facial hair makes it harder for masks to seal properly and therefore it's also a safety issue.
Maybe. I don't know. Whenever I have this conversation in my head, which is often, I feel like I have both come to a decision and that I will never decide.
I am bad at making choices. And this one is expensive and forever. (It would be less stressful overall if I could just make up my mind though...)
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I started progesterone a day and a bit ago. Just to see what it does and if I like it.
I've been thinking a bit about how silly some terms for HRT are for an agender person.
HRT works, sure; I'm changing my hormones as therapy.
But anything about 'gender affirmation' is weird. Like, "gonna take some pills to affirm my ... absence of gender *finger guns*".
Then again, my aim at gender presentation is essentially "um, I don't know but that person is definitely not cis?" so this could be affirming?
I think I kinda like how messy it is. Words are fake and made up with inconsistent meaning anyway.
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I think my pellet implant is going okay. I need to take a blood test in two weeks to check my levels but my T feels maybe suppressed enough and I've been crying a lot so *thumbs up*
One change that I realised today is that I'm pretty sure my tits are considerably smaller than they were just six months ago? This is despite putting on quite a bit of weight overall (positive). I have comparison photos, and I remember these bags feeling more fun.
They stopped getting in the way. I thought it was just that I got used to working around them or something.
I've been so focussed on other health things that this kinda snuck up on me.
One possibility is that it's to do with long covid? Probably not. I'm pretty sure it's not a cycle/fluctuation thing, either.
The best theory I've heard is that it could be because I stopped taking cyproterone (a progestin), because that can make them bigger.
I still have maybe a few years' of mild growth but maybe this fairly flat chest is about all I can expect just from oestrogen.
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=~= Financial calculations for the annual upkeep of 100mg estradiol pellets ($AUD) =~=
Okay so I did the math to see how much pellets will cost me annually.
Note: This may vary greatly person to person. You may have bulk billed GP appointments, or you may not have a GP who can do insertion so you have to go to an endocrinologist or other specialist that may cost more.
I got 2 pellets for $303.50 ($190 plus $13.50 postage - no rebate because it's not on the PBS) from Stenlake in Bondi. (There's a place in Ballina that makes them slightly cheaper, but my doctor said the quality is not as good and they tend to break apart.)
I need a short GP appointment to get the prescription ($53.60 after medicare rebate). I can potentially combine the short appointment with something else that's quick.
I then need a long GP appointment ($72.10 after rebate) and pay extra for the procedure ($55.50 after rebate) and then an extra $60 for the trocar kit (no rebate). All up this appointment is $187.60 out of pocket. I got a pathology request form for a blood test in 3 months so I at least don't need a separate appointment for that.
My endo said the first two pellets should last at least 6 months, and from then on I should only need one every 12 to 18 months. My GP said the first two should last more than 12 months.
So I have paid $544.70 for my first two implants that could last me somewhere between 6 and 18 months.
Going by current prices, and depending on how often I need to get it done, annual upkeep would cost between $399.70 (new pellet every 12 months) and $266.71 (new pellet every 18 months).
With a similar calculation, taking two Sandrena gel sachets daily was costing me $528.24 annually. ($376.51 if I was only taking one daily.)
My partner's 50mg patches cost $337.93.
I don't know what dose of tablets would have been right for me (I stopped taking them early on because of negative liver reactions) but 2mg per day would come to $188.08, 4mg would be $253.20, and 6mg or above should just be $322.42 because you've reached the ~$31.60 cap on what you can pay out of pocket - if that's how your GP organises the prescription.
So this will certainly be cheaper than Sandrena, and possibly comparable to patches or tablets, depending on how often I need to get a new implant. However, it is a big upfront cost compared to regular, gradual payments
It's also much less overall work as I don't have to take anything daily, and arguably better environmentally - no blister packs or sachets. Then again, patches don't create too much waste when compared to the trocar kit for the insertion.
This does not factor in GP appointments for blood tests etc. to see how you're doing. This was such a big cost for me in the first year because everything kept not looking right. Here's hoping that I've finally found something that works.
I have a google spreadsheet for all this. I'll try and tidy it up and share it in a further post.
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=~= Financial calculations for the annual upkeep of 100mg estradiol pellets ($AUD) =~=
Okay so I did the math to see how much pellets will cost me annually.
Note: This may vary greatly person to person. You may have bulk billed GP appointments, or you may not have a GP who can do insertion so you have to go to an endocrinologist or other specialist that may cost more.
I got 2 pellets for $303.50 ($190 plus $13.50 postage - no rebate because it's not on the PBS) from Stenlake in Bondi. (There's a place in Ballina that makes them slightly cheaper, but my doctor said the quality is not as good and they tend to break apart.)
I need a short GP appointment to get the prescription ($53.60 after medicare rebate). I can potentially combine the short appointment with something else that's quick.
I then need a long GP appointment ($72.10 after rebate) and pay extra for the procedure ($55.50 after rebate) and then an extra $60 for the trocar kit (no rebate). All up this appointment is $187.60 out of pocket. I got a pathology request form for a blood test in 3 months so I at least don't need a separate appointment for that.
My endo said the first two pellets should last at least 6 months, and from then on I should only need one every 12 to 18 months. My GP said the first two should last more than 12 months.
So I have paid $544.70 for my first two implants that could last me somewhere between 6 and 18 months.
Going by current prices, and depending on how often I need to get it done, annual upkeep would cost between $399.70 (new pellet every 12 months) and $266.71 (new pellet every 18 months).
With a similar calculation, taking two Sandrena gel sachets daily was costing me $528.24 annually. ($376.51 if I was only taking one daily.)
My partner's 50mg patches cost $337.93.
I don't know what dose of tablets would have been right for me (I stopped taking them early on because of negative liver reactions) but 2mg per day would come to $188.08, 2mg would be $253.20, and 6mg or above should just be $322.42 because you've reached the ~$31.60 cap on what you can pay out of pocket - if that's how your GP organises the prescription.
So this will certainly be cheaper than Sandrena, and possibly comparable to patches or tablets, depending on how often I need to get a new implant. However, it is a big upfront cost compared to regular, gradual payments
It's also much less overall work as I don't have to take anything daily, and arguably better environmentally - no blister packs or sachets. Then again, patches don't create too much waste when compared to the trocar kit for the insertion.
This does not factor in GP appointments for blood tests etc. to see how you're doing. This was such a big cost for me in the first year because everything kept not looking right. Here's hoping that I've finally found something that works.
I have a google spreadsheet for all this. I'll try and tidy it up and share it in a further post.
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#HRT update: I got 2x 100mg estradiol pellets implanted yesterday!
I've now stopped using gel and taking cyproterone and I'll see on blood tests how well pellets work for me as monotherapy.
I still have to run the numbers, but even though I have to pay full price for the pellets, and there's a bigger upfront cost, I think it will be cheaper in the long run.
This next stage of #theminisinghormonetherapy makes me feel more like a cyborg. It's more like a system upgrade than daily medication is. Now I just ~exist~ and don't have to think about it, except when I have to go in for the occasional check up (blood test), and then a service and goil change (new pellet implant) every 12 to 18 months.
Anyway, yesterday I came up with the idea for the picture below, so I had to make it. I hope someone else finds it funny.
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#HRT update: I got 2x 100mg estradiol pellets implanted yesterday!
I've now stopped using gel and taking cyproterone and I'll see on blood tests how well pellets work for me as monotherapy.
I still have to run the numbers, but even though I have to pay full price for the pellets, and there's a bigger upfront cost, I think it will be cheaper in the long run.
This next stage of #theminisinghormonetherapy makes me feel more like a cyborg. It's more like a system upgrade than daily medication is. Now I just ~exist~ and don't have to think about it, except when I have to go in for the occasional check up (blood test), and then a service and goil change (new pellet implant) every 12 to 18 months.
Anyway, yesterday I came up with the idea for the picture below, so I had to make it. I hope someone else finds it funny.
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I had a weird realisation last night.
I had known for a while beforehand, but back in 2017 I got very focused on working toward getting an autism diagnosis.
I had been getting frustrated with my Pathological Demand Avoidance and I wanted to do something to work on it. To know how to work on it, I first needed to confirm if this was an autism thing, or some weird toxic masculine trait I somehow had picked up and had trouble dropping.
The latter is maybe complicated to explain but basically I think it was about the stereotype where men like to be in charge and don't listen to their wives or something? I hated feeling like I was playing into that unhealthy relationship dynamic. I hated it so much. It made me feel so uncomfortable that people might see an element of that in me. I wanted to do anything to stop it but it was so difficult (because of the autism, as I would later confirm).
Anyway, last night I realised that my PDA was giving me gender dysphoria?! It had just never clicked before.
It took another five (5) years to get diagnosed (still a bit angry about this) but it's interesting that gender dysphoria is what started me on the journey toward everything that has happened since.
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I had a weird realisation last night.
I had known for a while beforehand, but back in 2017 I got very focused on working toward getting an autism diagnosis.
I had been getting frustrated with my Pathological Demand Avoidance and I wanted to do something to work on it. To know how to work on it, I first needed to confirm if this was an autism thing, or some weird toxic masculine trait I somehow had picked up and had trouble dropping.
The latter is maybe complicated to explain but basically I think it was about the stereotype where men like to be in charge and don't listen to their wives or something? I hated feeling like I was playing into that unhealthy relationship dynamic. I hated it so much. It made me feel so uncomfortable that people might see an element of that in me. I wanted to do anything to stop it but it was so difficult (because of the autism, as I would later confirm).
Anyway, last night I realised that my PDA was giving me gender dysphoria?! It had just never clicked before.
It took another five (5) years to get diagnosed (still a bit angry about this) but it's interesting that gender dysphoria is what started me on the journey toward everything that has happened since.
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I failed my blood test =/
Polactin has been too high lately so I cut back even more on CPA, but at least everything else was good.
But this time not only is my prolactin even higher (from 586 to 660 mIU/L), but for some reason my oestrogen level dropped by almost half since last time (from 358 to 197 pmol/L).
I have no idea why either of those are so weird, but I did have my blood test 3 days after taking CPA rather than 5 like last time, so maybe this is what its like closer to my dose? That still doesn't make sense compared to anything I've read anywhere.
Or maybe it's because I'm not particularly healthy right now? That still doesn't sound right.
Anyway, I have a referral to an endocrinologist now. Hopefully they can help explain the weird levels. At least they can talk me through the other options available because nithing I've tried so far is working right =/
(This isn't the worst. I'm maybe a bit frustrated at how slow the process is though. Too often my body puts me in the small percentage of cases where medications don't work they they usually should, and it makes health care... difficult. I have more pressing health issues to deal with right now anyway, while I wait the 7+ weeks to see an endo.)
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CW: Positive, but discussions of hair loss and dysphoria
One of my biggest sources of dysphoria has been my hairline.I was getting old, my hair line had been receding slowly for more than ten years, and even though I couldn't see it often I was aware a bald patch existed on the top of my head and was growing.
I had long hair and it started looking bad so I started trying awkward, shorter hair styles in 2014. As I kept losing more hair it got more difficult to make it look decent.
I hated this signifier of masculinity.
And that really sucks to say because I don't want to perpetuate the idea that certain kinds of hair are better or worse for people, especially in relation to gender, but I felt very unhappy about this change in my body personally because it made certain kinds of expression harder. And I felt much more invisible as a non-binary person. [I still feel conflicted about making this post at all. I hope it doesn't hurt anyone.]
This had been one thing I found particularly attractive about going on HRT. I had heard you could maybe regain hair you lost up to 5 years ago. I never got my hopes up, but the thought of at least halting hair loss made me perhaps a bit desperate to start once I decided.
I noticed a sudden, unexpected change to my hairline. I grew a lot of new hairs all at once, but they were vellus hairs and may not turn into regular (terminal) hair. (But I could maybe do some things to promote that.)
I kinda ignored the back of my head because I couldn't see it, until early February when I was styling my hair in the mirror and noticed there were a LOT of 2 inch long hairs sticking out a bit. It turns out that I quickly regrew much of my bald spot and just didn't realise?
How I feel about this is complicated. It's good, obviously. But I don't feel overwhelming euphoria or happiness about it like I expected to. It's more that there's now one fewer thing that I'm self-conscious about and that makes existing a little easier?
First picture is after 1 month on CPA and just before starting estrogen. Second picture is from today, 9 months later.
[This is the first time I've posted any 'transition' before and after photos. I would never have posted the July 2023 picture if it wasn't for having an 'improved' photo to refer it to because it's something I am still self-conscious about. ]
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CW: Request for advice or info re: feminising HRT and prolactin levels
(Boosts appreciated, though I live in Australia and this is a specific issue with CPA, which is not approved for use in the US, so I am aware only some people may have any experience with this.)
I started taking cyproterone (CPA) in May last year, then estrogen in June.
I'm very happy with my oestradiol levels which are 350-450 pmol/L (over 100 pg/mL), measured at their lowest.
My T levels are also great (tiny!). The CPA was working so well I cut down from 12.5mg once every day win May, to now taking it only once a week.
The problem is that my prolactin levels are high, over 500 mIU/L in my last two tests. This could lead to problems. (I do note that the ideal range I am going by is the male one, as I couldn't find a more accurate safe range for my situation.)
From what I read, high prolactin levels are not uncommon, and it's something to do with the combination of CPA with estrogen. I don't know that reducing CPA further will fix it.
I need to have another test soon, and then see my GP to work out what to do next. I might get referred to an endo who has more of a specialisation here.
I have a number of questions I couldn't answer from the internet. If anyone has helpful input that would be very much appreciated!
Question: Would there be a different safe/ideal prolactin level/maximum for someone on feminising HRT? (Ideal male range listed on my blood tests are 85-500 mIU/L.)
Question: I'm currently taking CPA once a week, but I have no idea at what point in the week would be the best time to get the most useful (average? high maximum?) reading. I had these previously high levels tested in a trough, just before taking my next CPA dose, but maybe this wasn't ideal. I'm thinking 3 or 4 days after, just to kinda get a mid-week average?
Question: If this is just how my body reacts to E+CPA and I have to find an alternative, I am aware of 1) spiro (I would prefer to avoid that due to the side-effects), 2) bicalutemide (I have not looked much into this yet, but it maybe stops T absorbtion rather than production so side effects would be different), 3) SERMs (I don't particularly want to reduce breast growth - not that much has grown!), and 4) get an orchiectomy (I am interested, but it's expensive and I have no idea where to start!). Is there anything else I haven't considered here?
Question: I researched Endocrinologists in Sydney and I have a list of a few options based on reviews and recommendations, but if anyone has a strong recommendation let me know?
Question: I mean, if anyone has information on the process (and cost) for getting an orchi in Sydney I'd be very interested, even if that may not be an immediate option.
It's frustrating that my E+T hormone levels are great and I feel good but there's just this one lingering issue I have to deal with =/
Thanks in advance, even for just reading!
#HRT #Trans #Transgender #CPA #Prolactin #Estrogen #TheminisingHormoneTherapy
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I only started taking estrogen nine (9) months ago for #TheminisingHormoneTherapy but I was thinking today about how I don't think I've had further breast growth for a few months and haven't really thought about it and I had the sudden realisation that #HRT has become... mundane?
Everything is great and I'm happy but I already miss the "new relationship energy"-like excitement of going through weird, positive changes and feeling emotions and obsessing about numbers and researching everything I can about the changes I might expect. It's just my new (improved) normal now.
My unexpected hair regrowth and my softening skin and my altered body fat placement and the chest growth and changes to body odour and the new ability to cry and weird mood swings and the increased confidence and changes in my ability to feel physical pleasure and the testicular atrophy and lowered social anxiety and reduced sex drive and my heightened capacity to express compassion and process complex trauma: it has all been amazing but there just hasn't been anything new for a while.
I am happy and content with my body and not spending so much time thinking about it.
Is this how (some) cis people exist all the time?!
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CW: discussion of non-sexual nudity
I keep thinking of small transition-related updates to post but not getting around to it so they build up and then it feels like work. Anyway, here's one thing, as an attempt to slowly pick at the list.
I really loved the immediate changes I experienced being on a t-blocker. The main two were a) my skin felt great and b) I no longer got physically aroused randomly - I can be aroused but it's pretty much entirely opt-in? It's so good to feel in control of my sexuality like that.
I never used to be comfortable sleeping naked. I hated moving my position in bed and wanting to sleep and my penis suddenly being all "Ooh, is something happening? What are we doing?"
I also hated the idea of having wet dreams without underwear to hopefully contain everything.
(Side note: ugh, I hate the term 'wet dreams'. It sounds so euphemistic. I think the more academic term is 'nocturnal emissions'? That's just as bad!)
Anyway, I just don't worry about any of this anymore? I hesitantly tried sleeping naked about a week ago because it's summer, it's hot, and having clothes to feel tangled in isn't ideal. It was completely fine, and I've done the same thing most nights since.
I realised this is something I've always wanted to be able to do so it's really comforting to not have anxiety about simply curling up naked in bed.
It's hard to articulate some of the positive things I've experienced from #HRT. I've always had a weird relationship with sexuality, and it feels odd to talk about things like genitals, arousal, even breast growth - all things society sexualises for us - in a neutral way.
On the one hand, I am now so much more open about being sexual, but this experience of sexual liberation has simultaneously also been a liberation _from_ sexuality?
I don't think this is just my destroyed libido talking. I've always felt like this and wanted this kind of control over my body. I guess it's just nice to suddenly be able to experience it.
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CW: discussion of non-sexual nudity
I keep thinking of small transition-related updates to post but not getting around to it so they build up and then it feels like work. Anyway, here's one thing, as an attempt to slowly pick at the list.
I really loved the immediate changes I experienced being on a t-blocker. The main two were a) my skin felt great and b) I no longer got physically aroused randomly - I can be aroused but it's pretty much entirely opt-in? It's so good to feel in control of my sexuality like that.
I never used to be comfortable sleeping naked. I hated moving my position in bed and wanting to sleep and my penis suddenly being all "Ooh, is something happening? What are we doing?"
I also hated the idea of having wet dreams without underwear to hopefully contain everything.
(Side note: ugh, I hate the term 'wet dreams'. It sounds so euphemistic. I think the more academic term is 'nocturnal emissions'? That's just as bad!)
Anyway, I just don't worry about any of this anymore? I hesitantly tried sleeping naked about a week ago because it's summer, it's hot, and having clothes to feel tangled in isn't ideal. It was completely fine, and I've done the same thing most nights since.
I realised this is something I've always wanted to be able to do so it's really comforting to not have anxiety about simply curling up naked in bed.
It's hard to articulate some of the positive things I've experienced from #HRT. I've always had a weird relationship with sexuality, and it feels odd to talk about things like genitals, arousal, even breast growth - all things society sexualises for us - in a neutral way.
On the one hand, I am now so much more open about being sexual, but this experience of sexual liberation has simultaneously also been a liberation _from_ sexuality?
I don't think this is just my destroyed libido talking. I've always felt like this and wanted this kind of control over my body. I guess it's just nice to suddenly be able to experience it.
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Had my GP appointment today to see how my #TheminisingHormoneTherapy is going.
I reduced Cyproterone (CPA) in December from 12.5mg once every three days to once every five days. It was because my prolactin levels were high and CPA is probably the reason?
All my levels are pretty much the same as they were two months ago; hormone numbers great, with prolactin still high (but not much different).
I've now reduced CPA to once a week on Mondays - easier to remember!
I hope this helps. I don't know that I'm optimistic about it but I guess we'll see.
I still don't know what this means, apart from having a medical justification to add to the "list of reasons it would be cool to just get my testicles removed" that is quite often on my mind?
Otherwise I'm good though! Feeling (usually) very happy about my body, crying a good amount at small things and a large amount at sad songs, slowly learning how my body feels things differently.
And also trying desperately to find any good data on mood cycles for people on feminising #HRT, particularly if you are taking regular doses so your hormone levels should remain fairly consistent, as I have occasional mood changes and weird days and I have no idea what to attribute that to?
Trying to keep notes and dates so I can see if there's a pattern, or if it's just something else.
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Had my GP appointment today to see how my #TheminisingHormoneTherapy is going.
I reduced Cyproterone (CPA) in December from 12.5mg once every three days to once every five days. It was because my prolactin levels were high and CPA is probably the reason?
All my levels are pretty much the same as they were two months ago; hormone numbers great, with prolactin still high (but not much different).
I've now reduced CPA to once a week on Mondays - easier to remember!
I hope this helps. I don't know that I'm optimistic about it but I guess we'll see.
I still don't know what this means, apart from having a medical justification to add to the "list of reasons it would be cool to just get my testicles removed" that is quite often on my mind?
Otherwise I'm good though! Feeling (usually) very happy about my body, crying a good amount at small things and a large amount at sad songs, slowly learning how my body feels things differently.
And also trying desperately to find any good data on mood cycles for people on feminising #HRT, particularly if you are taking regular doses so your hormone levels should remain fairly consistent, as I have occasional mood changes and weird days and I have no idea what to attribute that to?
Trying to keep notes and dates so I can see if there's a pattern, or if it's just something else.
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CW: Sexuality changes after relieving dysphoria
So a weird effect of #HRT (and/or the ADHD meds, who knows) is that my relationship with my body and sexuality has changed a lot this year.
I used to use the word demisexual to describe myself, because I need to be close with people before I can even consider being physically intimate with them.
It always felt like something else was going on though, as I always felt a sense of discomfort (embarassment? shame? prudishness?) around the idea of other people thinking of me as a sexual person at all. For some reason, I needed others to see me as an asexual being, and I acted accordingly; I hid that part of me as much as possible.
Something we're exploring more in therapy is how my social dysphoria (not liking the idea of others perceiving me as a man) has likely caused a lot of my social anxieties.
I still can't pinpoint why my social anxieties and social dysphoria have lifted this year. However, it's clear they are linked and their co-absence raises a lot of interesting ideas about how, exactly, gendered social dysphoria has affected me for most if not all of my life.
In relation to sexuality, this has introduced an alternate theory that it's not that I wanted people to see me as "asexual" as much as I just didn't want people to see me as "sexual (man)".
And now that I am feeling more comfortable in my body and not suffering so much from constant dysphoria, I don't have this constant worry that any sign that I could possibly be a sexual person would be interpreted as me being "a sexual person (man)".
(1/3)
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CW: Sexuality changes after relieving dysphoria
So a weird effect of #HRT (and/or the ADHD meds, who knows) is that my relationship with my body and sexuality has changed a lot this year.
I used to use the word demisexual to describe myself, because I need to be close with people before I can even consider being physically intimate with them.
It always felt like something else was going on though, as I always felt a sense of discomfort (embarassment? shame? prudishness?) around the idea of other people thinking of me as a sexual person at all. For some reason, I needed others to see me as an asexual being, and I acted accordingly; I hid that part of me as much as possible.
Something we're exploring more in therapy is how my social dysphoria (not liking the idea of others perceiving me as a man) has likely caused a lot of my social anxieties.
I still can't pinpoint why my social anxieties and social dysphoria have lifted this year. However, it's clear they are linked and their co-absence raises a lot of interesting ideas about how, exactly, gendered social dysphoria has affected me for most if not all of my life.
In relation to sexuality, this has introduced an alternate theory that it's not that I wanted people to see me as "asexual" as much as I just didn't want people to see me as "sexual (man)".
And now that I am feeling more comfortable in my body and not suffering so much from constant dysphoria, I don't have this constant worry that any sign that I could possibly be a sexual person would be interpreted as me being "a sexual person (man)".
(1/3)
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I just realised today marks 6 months since I started #HRT!
To celebrate, here's an outfit I put together for a dance thing tomorrow. (The dress code is: "Command your space - sexy, sultry & confident".)
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CW: Talk of getting old, worsening health
So I've been going on walks lately and it's cold here so I'm wearing a lot of layers, but this is not enough and sometimes I'm experiencing intense, burning nipple pain from the cold.
From what I can tell, this isn't normal. The internet informs me this is a nipple "vasospasm", and could also be a sign that I have Raynaud's syndrome more generally? I have some science to do to test it further.
(I also have similar, quick and extreme issues with my ear canals. This could be related.)
I'm kinda thin and I always assumed that was why the cold was particularly bad for me. But seeing other people walk long distances in the cold wind with much less protection than me while I'm suffering in multiple layers of clothes and ear protection almost as soon as I get out of the car makes me realise that maybe this isn't actually normal?!
Being on #HRT has changed my body (less blood flow to extremeties; sensitive nipples) in a way that makes this worse, but more obvious so I finally know to look into it. But, ugh, is getting old just a regular series of receiving formalised medical conditions? (I've collected, like, five in the past year already.)
I'm fine. I just have to talk to my GP, and avoid being cold for the rest of my life.
I'll start practicing phrases like:, "Can I have the seat closer to the heater... for medical reasons?"
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CW: Talk of getting old, worsening health
So I've been going on walks lately and it's cold here so I'm wearing a lot of layers, but this is not enough and sometimes I'm experiencing intense, burning nipple pain from the cold.
From what I can tell, this isn't normal. The internet informs me this is a nipple "vasospasm", and could also be a sign that I have Raynaud's syndrome more generally? I have some science to do to test it further.
(I also have similar, quick and extreme issues with my ear canals. This could be related.)
I'm kinda thin and I always assumed that was why the cold was particularly bad for me. But seeing other people walk long distances in the cold wind with much less protection than me while I'm suffering in multiple layers of clothes and ear protection almost as soon as I get out of the car makes me realise that maybe this isn't actually normal?!
Being on #HRT has changed my body (less blood flow to extremeties; sensitive nipples) in a way that makes this worse, but more obvious so I finally know to look into it. But, ugh, is getting old just a regular series of receiving formalised medical conditions? (I've collected, like, five in the past year already.)
I'm fine. I just have to talk to my GP, and avoid being cold for the rest of my life.
I'll start practicing phrases like:, "Can I have the seat closer to the heater... for medical reasons?"
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I havent posted for a bit because I'm travelling (New Zealand), but I've been learning about the history of birds from a whole new country!
A lot of the history is sad, though. I saw a pair of cute, fancy birds (Huia) on a card in a gift shop and quickly checked wiki to find out more and discovered they have been extinct for about 100 years and I immediately started crying.
This is to say, my medication adjustment appears to be working nicely.
I also bought some light summer shirts and I'm looking forward to being home again so I can introduce my new, 2023 style to the world.
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I got my blood test results today. My oestrogen levels were higher before I started HRT 😬
My blood was taken in a 48 hour trough though, on a low dose, so im not surprised.
I've had my dosage tripled and I'm optimistic, looking forward to my body absorbing the gel through my skin and expelling it via my tearducts.
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CW: Request for advice: HRT gel and ideal blood test timing
I was on 2mg Estradiol pills for a bit over a month and I had a blood test that showed my levels were very good! Estradiol at 363 pmo/L (very close to 100 pg/mL) and T within the normal female range (I was taking low-dose CPA).
However, my liver wasn't happy so my doctor switched me to, safer, Sandrena gel sachets. I was originally instructed to take half a 1mg sachet every 2 days, but the pharmacist said that was weird and got confirmation that I can take a whole 1mg every 2 days instead.
I later looked online and got conflicting information about equivalent doses for different deliver-E methods. Generally, I think 1mg gel sachet is said to be roughly equivalent to a 2mg pill, but it can vary, and a wiki quote suggests you'd need 3mg to be as effective as a 2mg pill: "Topical estradiol gel at a dosage of 3 mg/day has been reported to be equipotent with 2 mg oral estradiol in terms of therapeutic effects and FSH suppression, as well as to produce similar estradiol levels."
I also found a UK site that specifically listed timing for blood tests, saying it should happen 4-6 hours after taking a pill or applying gel.
A helpful wikipedia page (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pharmacokinetics_of_estradiol) has colourful graphs showing E levels over days/hours after taking it via various routes.
I had my most recent test a bit less than two hours after taking a pill. This may have artificially inflated my level a bit so the 2mg may not have been a sufficient dose for me, but it's difficult to tell because I'm confused by the graphs (or distracted by the colours).
My main concern is that the gel dosage and frequency I am currently taking is not enough, and I just don't know when I should take my blood test for helpful science reasons. If I take it 4-6 hours after application, it'll look high. If I take it 24 hours after (on my off day) it will be very low. (Graphs suggest that levels could be quite low after that time?)
I haven't felt much of anything in the past three weeks on a low dose of gel and I want to make sure I'm working toward a good, consistent level ASAP.
I read somewhere that it's always ethical to manipulate your blood test results if that will help you get the prescription results you want, but I do want to be open with my doctor (I have autism) about my concerns and wanting a higher dose and how I am testing.
I just don't know how long after a once-every-two-days gel application I should get a blood test if I want the data to be useful in my next appointment.
Does anyone with experience with gel and/or HRT blood tests have suggestions?!
(It would be so much easier if patches, with their gradual release and consistent levels over multiple days, weren't in such short supply right now!)
#HRT #Transgender #Trans #Gel #TheminisingHormoneTherapy #GenderFluid #TransMissionFluid
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CW: Request for advice: HRT gel and ideal blood test timing
I was on 2mg Estradiol pills for a bit over a month and I had a blood test that showed my levels were very good! Estradiol at 363 pmo/L (very close to 100 pg/mL) and T within the normal female range (I was taking low-dose CPA).
However, my liver wasn't happy so my doctor switched me to, safer, Sandrena gel sachets. I was originally instructed to take half a 1mg sachet every 2 days, but the pharmacist said that was weird and got confirmation that I can take a whole 1mg every 2 days instead.
I later looked online and got conflicting information about equivalent doses for different deliver-E methods. Generally, I think 1mg gel sachet is said to be roughly equivalent to a 2mg pill, but it can vary, and a wiki quote suggests you'd need 3mg to be as effective as a 2mg pill: "Topical estradiol gel at a dosage of 3 mg/day has been reported to be equipotent with 2 mg oral estradiol in terms of therapeutic effects and FSH suppression, as well as to produce similar estradiol levels."
I also found a UK site that specifically listed timing for blood tests, saying it should happen 4-6 hours after taking a pill or applying gel.
A helpful wikipedia page (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pharmacokinetics_of_estradiol) has colourful graphs showing E levels over days/hours after taking it via various routes.
I had my most recent test a bit less than two hours after taking a pill. This may have artificially inflated my level a bit so the 2mg may not have been a sufficient dose for me, but it's difficult to tell because I'm confused by the graphs (or distracted by the colours).
My main concern is that the gel dosage and frequency I am currently taking is not enough, and I just don't know when I should take my blood test for helpful science reasons. If I take it 4-6 hours after application, it'll look high. If I take it 24 hours after (on my off day) it will be very low. (Graphs suggest that levels could be quite low after that time?)
I haven't felt much of anything in the past three weeks on a low dose of gel and I want to make sure I'm working toward a good, consistent level ASAP.
I read somewhere that it's always ethical to manipulate your blood test results if that will help you get the prescription results you want, but I do want to be open with my doctor (I have autism) about my concerns and wanting a higher dose and how I am testing.
I just don't know how long after a once-every-two-days gel application I should get a blood test if I want the data to be useful in my next appointment.
Does anyone with experience with gel and/or HRT blood tests have suggestions?!
(It would be so much easier if patches, with their gradual release and consistent levels over multiple days, weren't in such short supply right now!)
#HRT #Transgender #Trans #Gel #TheminisingHormoneTherapy #GenderFluid #TransMissionFluid
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CW: Long post, thinking through my HRT goals
"My style is an intentional mix of things, made to be confusing."
This is how my long document from February started, thinking through the pros and cons of going on #HRT. I'm #NonBinary and I feel uncomfortable thinking people perceive me as a man, so I do a lot to mess with that to feel better about being in public space.
"I'm a non-binary, agender person striving to be a local cryptid."
I could be gender confusing through clothes, but I had often thought about changing my body with hormones, and (limited) surgery and how interesting it could be to biohack my perceived gender.
I knew a lot of people on HRT and I worried that there was an element of not being as cool as them without it, but I don't think this was the case. I would daydream about being in a 'last person on earth' scenario and how I would raid pharmacies so I could alter my body's hormone profile and try it out without having to deal with what other people thought about it. (Just regular person thoughts.)
I also had a lot of chaotic energy around the thought: "You only have one chance in this life to mess with your body as much as possible so take it!"
My biggest fear was breast growth. It's an obvious physical characteristic that can out me, make me unsafe, and I thought it wasn't necessarily something I was aiming for. I thought "if it was something I could switch on and off that would be great", which tells me there was actually a desire, just being held back by fear.
Early on I summarised my HRT goals as wanting "to look, and feel, softer". I also specifically wanted to stop losing more hair, experience emotional expansion, and have softer skin, if possible.
Extremely quickly on HRT (even just on blockers) I got all this. And I want to take it further by upping my dose slightly, and like before I'm casually thinking about more long-term solutions like an orchi (if it wasn't so expensive) and getting E via an implant.
It's complicated in my head right now because there is a strong feeling that things aren't moving fast enough (it's a current hyperfocus and I'm impatient) but also I know I should be thinking about this all more rationally than "I like it when the numbers go up".
Over the past few months I've definitely come to terms with the idea that I am actually looking forward to (at least minimal) breast growth. I look forward to wearing bralettes with open shirts in summer! I like the aesthetic, but also what it means socially, and how it affects my reception by others.
I think what I'm trying to say is that I definitely want to keep going, but I recognise my tendency to obsess over numbers and take things further for the sake of it, losing sight of the meaning. I need to make sure I'm conscious of this.
#TheminisingHormoneTherapy, for me, is a lot more than simply getting good numbers and obsessing over my blood test results.
It's helping me express how i feel inside a bit more clearly to others. It's art.
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The good news from my recent blood test is that my T levels are tiny (0.2 nmol/L Testosterone and 2 pmol/L Free T) and my Oestradiol levels (363 pmol/L) are already in the low end of the target(?) range.
This is after 6 weeks on 2mg daily estradiol, and gradually decreasing CPA.
However! There is the possibility that estradiol pills can be bad for your liver and my enzyme levels did not look happy, so my GP switched my ~deliver-E~ method. I'm going to try gel sachets for a month and see how they go.
They're more expensive, less convenient and I'm also on a lower equivalent dose (from what I can determine online), but I'm choosing to see this as a fun thing to try and not be impatient about getting a higher dose and thinking how this is delaying me from discovering the perfect, stable, long-term solution.
I'm already in a good place. The science is important.
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CW: Long post about HRT mentioning dysphoria from hair loss
I’ve had a lot of issues with my body over the years but I’m finally in a place where, generally, I’m highly accepting of my physical features. I’m really proud of this. My hair is really the one place I still struggle.
My hair is weird. I’ve been losing it for a while and I didn’t want to shave it all off because of dysphoria. I wear it in an odd way. I wouldn’t say badly, but I’m autistic and I can’t quite tell if it’s weird or acceptable to others. The front is the important part to get right but it involves intricate placement of hair and I have limited resources where I need them for structural integrity. Some days I feel I’ve been able to style it great and I look amazing, while others I spend a lot of time playing with it in the hopes it will behave how I want it to and feel self-conscious the whole day.
Going fancy places to dance is difficult because if I get hot and start sweating my perfectly constructed styling can suddenly fall apart!
The high possibility of stopping hair loss is one of the things that made #HRT tempting. Like, I know there are other ways to go about that without changing your body’s hormone profile, but that was certainly a factor in the perceived urgency of starting #TheminisingHormoneTherapy.
I did some research and found there was a chance of growing back some of the hair I had lost. Essentially, having Testosterone low to block DHT and Estrogen high to promote regrowth, both in the normal female ranges, should be sufficient to make whatever difference was possible for me. Still, I absolutely didn’t want to get my hopes up.
After a short while on CPA, I found that very little of my hair was getting caught in the shower drain and hair brush. I was really happy with this, as it seemed possible that with lowered testosterone my hair loss at least might not get worse.
The really unexpected part was that about a week ago I looked at my hairline and noticed that I already have a whole bunch of new hairs growing where I previously had none. (It was only after 6 weeks on E.) They’re fairly thin, all roughly the same length, but noticeably new and covering a significant area near my receding hairline. (I took a lot of body photos before starting taking estradiol so I have something to compare it with.)
I don’t know where this is going to go. Maybe they won’t grow long, or maybe they’ll stay very thin and be essentially invisible. Maybe they’ll at least be able to add some more structure for styling.
I think I’m less excited in a hopeful way and more in a ‘this is some cool science I get to see my body do’ way. I like to see this as a good sign that I've accepted what I've got to work with and I'm just happy to go along for the ride.
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#TheminisingHormoneTherapy continues to go well. I have an appointment with my GP this week to discuss my levels and dosage.
It has been just over 6 weeks since starting E. The two most remarkable changes have been a) my chest continues to feel (and to an extent, look) different and b) crying.
I have very high work anxiety at the moment, which may have been a contributing factor, but one day I was making dinner and a song came on and the words were both happy and sad and it made me cry.
... for about two and a half hours, during which time the tiniest thought would set me off again.
I enjoyed the crying, but it was certainly unexpected in its extremity.
I'm realising that there is still a place for music in my life, and that it is no longer a matter of focusing on complicated instrumentation as a method of soothing my brain; I can listen to words and let their meaning spark emotions so I can feel something.
How much of this is entirely new is hard to tell. I'll have to conduct more science ("cry-ence"?) and report back.
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CW: Long update on my theminising hormone therapy following 4 weeks on E
Yesterday (the non-binary day) marked 4 weeks on 2mg daily estradiol. Here are some quick updates on my #TheminisingHormoneTherapy
I changed my name at work. A work friend suggested it and I was all, 'yeah, that sounds like it could be good actually'. I only know of one person misgendering me since, and they apparently made assumptions and used 'she'. I think this is great and funny.
I decided to change my name and sex marker on my birth certificate (in a few months - I have the documents almost ready to submit). Then work to update my name and gender on every other document and place over the course of the rest of my life.
I cried! Seems like it's possible in general now, and not just because it was early in the day and my ADHD meds lost their effectiveness. It's not uncontrollable or anything, just when very intense things are happening. I'll see how this goes.
Since taking ADHD meds I've largely lost interest in music, as in I'm no longer in need of the dopamine hit that comes from focusing intently on creative instrumentation. I'm considering the possibility that I'm becoming more interested in lyrics as an emotional source of meaning. Perhaps this has nothing to do with the #HRT. It's something I'll be monitoring for a bit.
I'm using pronouns for other people lately? (I never used to use pronouns in sentences because of agender stubbornness?) This is very unexpected and I don't know what to attribute it to. Might write about it later.
Related: I may now be leaning more toward they/them than 'no pronouns'.
For the past week or so I've noticed the early stages of 'budding' - my nipples feel like they have slight bruises behind them. It's not bad, and I think I do like experiencing a physical indicator that the estradiol is doing its thing.
One of my favourite parts of the day is showering and putting facewash on my hands and rubbing it in and suddenly remembering how smooth my skin feels. This happened pretty quickly just from blockers, but it is worth repeating because it's an unexpected and strong source of #TransJoy.
I have become obsessed with the idea of making lace bralettes, partly because I have an underwear dance party coming up and I can't seem to go to a dance party without making part of my outfit.
There are three more weeks until my next GP appointment where we discuss my levels and likely increase my dosage.
Generally, I feel great. Being medicated for ADHD is definitely assisting any social anxiety I may have otherwise had about things and I am not experiencing anything negative from HRT. I mean, one major effect from the T blockers is that my sex drive is extremely low and some physical things may be more difficult, but this is fine and something I expected. I may not write about this much because I'm still a bit shy about sex-related stuff.
That's all I can really think of right now, which is good because I've just about reached the character limi
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CW: Long update on my theminising hormone therapy following 4 weeks on E
Yesterday (the non-binary day) marked 4 weeks on 2mg daily estradiol. Here are some quick updates on my #TheminisingHormoneTherapy
I changed my name at work. A work friend suggested it and I was all, 'yeah, that sounds like it could be good actually'. I only know of one person misgendering me since, and they apparently made assumptions and used 'she'. I think this is great and funny.
I decided to change my name and sex marker on my birth certificate (in a few months - I have the documents almost ready to submit). Then work to update my name and gender on every other document and place over the course of the rest of my life.
I cried! Seems like it's possible in general now, and not just because it was early in the day and my ADHD meds lost their effectiveness. It's not uncontrollable or anything, just when very intense things are happening. I'll see how this goes.
Since taking ADHD meds I've largely lost interest in music, as in I'm no longer in need of the dopamine hit that comes from focusing intently on creative instrumentation. I'm considering the possibility that I'm becoming more interested in lyrics as an emotional source of meaning. Perhaps this has nothing to do with the #HRT. It's something I'll be monitoring for a bit.
I'm using pronouns for other people lately? (I never used to use pronouns in sentences because of agender stubbornness?) This is very unexpected and I don't know what to attribute it to. Might write about it later.
Related: I may now be leaning more toward they/them than 'no pronouns'.
For the past week or so I've noticed the early stages of 'budding' - my nipples feel like they have slight bruises behind them. It's not bad, and I think I do like experiencing a physical indicator that the estradiol is doing its thing.
One of my favourite parts of the day is showering and putting facewash on my hands and rubbing it in and suddenly remembering how smooth my skin feels. This happened pretty quickly just from blockers, but it is worth repeating because it's an unexpected and strong source of #TransJoy.
I have become obsessed with the idea of making lace bralettes, partly because I have an underwear dance party coming up and I can't seem to go to a dance party without making part of my outfit.
There are three more weeks until my next GP appointment where we discuss my levels and likely increase my dosage.
Generally, I feel great. Being medicated for ADHD is definitely assisting any social anxiety I may have otherwise had about things and I am not experiencing anything negative from HRT. I mean, one major effect from the T blockers is that my sex drive is extremely low and some physical things may be more difficult, but this is fine and something I expected. I may not write about this much because I'm still a bit shy about sex-related stuff.
That's all I can really think of right now, which is good because I've just about reached the character limi
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CW: Moderately long post about ADHD medication and limited emotional capacity
Since starting Vyvanse in January my mental health has improved greatly. I didn't realise I was experiencing so much constant anxiety until it was suddenly gone and I could do basic tasks without my brain stress-spiraling.
The only downside is that my mood has stabilised to the extent that I no longer feel extreme highs or lows.
I used to love listening to certain kinds of music and it could occasionally give me a sense of euphoria. This just doesn't happen anymore.
I also used to love watching birds and it would give me a sense of calmness. Now I don't really feel anything.
And I have almost completely lost the ability to cry. My throat doesn't do that uncomfortable thing when you hear sad songs or watch emotional scenes in kids' movies. I also went through a very difficult time in the past few months where my partner was diagnosed with cancer (she's fine now!) and during that extremely stressful situation I only cried twice.
I can see ways in which all of these things are somehow related to anxiety, and can understand that it's a probably sign that the medication is working.
It's difficult to explain how I feel about this. It's like previously I was all over the place and often not great, and now I'm just "very content" all the time and it's definitely an improvement and I'm so grateful for the life upgrade but ... I know I'm missing out on normal human experiences and I feel yearning.
It's at the point where I see friends going through difficult emotional times and I feel jealous. And I know it would be absolutely inappropriate to to say "I see you are experiencing uncomfortable, agonising emotions but I wish I could again" so I don't. But it's often something I think. And I feel like a bad person. Cold and unfeeling, just in a different way to how I was pre-medication.
I was hopeful that HRT may help me feel emotions again, but I'm no longer optimistic. I think the best I can do is talk about it with my psychiatrist and maybe try an extended drug holiday one day and see how it goes.
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Today I saw my GP to discuss my blood test results and start stage two of #TheminisingHormoneTherapy.
After 28 days just on 12.5mg CPL, my T levels are already reduced right down to the normal female range. I didn't expect it to be that successful so quick - I had read a 50% - 70% reduction is normal, but my Free T reduced by 96%!
Going forward, I'm halving my CPA intake, and taking 2mg estradiol once in the morning. We'll see how that goes and likely increase the E in a month.
I popped my first E this morning while standing in the sun, waiting for a train. It tasted sweet, like victory.
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Today I saw my GP to discuss my blood test results and start stage two of #TheminisingHormoneTherapy.
After 28 days just on 12.5mg CPL, my T levels are already reduced right down to the normal female range. I didn't expect it to be that successful so quick - I had read a 50% - 70% reduction is normal, but my Free T reduced by 96%!
Going forward, I'm halving my CPA intake, and taking 2mg estradiol once in the morning. We'll see how that goes and likely increase the E in a month.
I popped my first E this morning while standing in the sun, waiting for a train. It tasted sweet, like victory.
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I started HRT a week ago.
My situation doesn't fit the 'typical' trans narrative. I don't feel directly uncomfortable in my body, but I experience constant social dysphoria because, as wild as my clothing styles can sometimes be, and as obvious to everyone that I don't interact with the world like a man, most cis people still read me as a one _because of_ my body. Some are at least good with pronouns; many are not.
I just want to look and feel 'softer'. I want to experience emotions. (There's also a tingling desire to look weird, to make cis people feel uncomfortable about misgendering me, but that's something I'll have to explore in therapy.)
If it wasn't for the informed consent model we have in Australia for providing gender confirming healthcare, I might not have bothered. Explaining myself is difficult, especially if there is a risk I wouldn't get support due to medical gatekeeping by a hypothetical gatekeeper who didn't think I properly fulfilled some bs diagnostic criteria.
I found a new GP who seems to genuinely care about helping me and the relationship is comfortable.
I started taking 12.5mg daily cyproterone and will get my levels checked after 4 weeks before adding E.
The convenient part was that I started HRT on IDAHOBIT, so the milestone will be easy to remember!
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I started HRT a week ago.
My situation doesn't fit the 'typical' trans narrative. I don't feel directly uncomfortable in my body, but I experience constant social dysphoria because, as wild as my clothing styles can sometimes be, and as obvious to everyone that I don't interact with the world like a man, most cis people still read me as a one _because of_ my body. Some are at least good with pronouns; many are not.
I just want to look and feel 'softer'. I want to experience emotions. (There's also a tingling desire to look weird, to make cis people feel uncomfortable about misgendering me, but that's something I'll have to explore in therapy.)
If it wasn't for the informed consent model we have in Australia for providing gender confirming healthcare, I might not have bothered. Explaining myself is difficult, especially if there is a risk I wouldn't get support due to medical gatekeeping by a hypothetical gatekeeper who didn't think I properly fulfilled some bs diagnostic criteria.
I found a new GP who seems to genuinely care about helping me and the relationship is comfortable.
I started taking 12.5mg daily cyproterone and will get my levels checked after 4 weeks before adding E.
The convenient part was that I started HRT on IDAHOBIT, so the milestone will be easy to remember!