#partneredsex — Public Fediverse posts

Forewarning: I didn't proofread this. This is a stream of consciousness ramble and could be structured a lot better. I might come back and revise this essay in a couple of weeks when I have time to, but right now I'm just trying to get my thoughts written down even if they're not the most digestible yet.

Also, this is a reply to a longer essay. Federation gets weird when I'm close to 10k characters, but it's an FYI in case it's invisible for you.

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I do want to address the dynamic when partners are involved in some fashion. There is a wealth of both good and bad things that can happen here.

Masturbation can be done with a partner present, and in fact, it's often great to do so. It's one way to help your partner build/absorb a map of some pathways you take to pleasure town. It's different with a partner. It's even different simply sharing a summary of the experience after the fact. Typically masturbation and/or solo sex is only specific to the one person. It's not about the other person. Nobody has entitlements to your personal activities.

@Azzura rightfully pointed out that toxic behaviors are not uncommon (see [post](https://lgbtqia.space/@Azzura/115403309255769298)) and some people will have particular notions about what it means when you, a different person, engages in self-stimulation. Masturbation is often fulfilling a different need than partnered sex. They are _not_ equivalent, even if they would meet the same need. This is true for healthy relationships as well, by the way.

#CW talking about some toxic viewpoints below

First, let's address the "If you masturbate, then we won't be able to have sex after." There is _a lot_ to unpack there. This could imply several different things.

1. Masturbation will make you "unclean" and therefore unable to have sex
2. Masturbation is being done for orgasm and it's impossible to continue afterwards
3. Masturbation is going to be too draining on energy or time and sex will be off the table

Underlying all of these, there is an implied entitlement to sex, which raises my hackles. For the purposes of this exercise, let's assume that there is a mutual desire to have sex after, but one partner is concerned that you are not prioritizing correctly (and that the concern has a possibility of being reasonable).

1 has its roots in purity culture, which gives me the ick, and I'd have a rant about it if someone said that to me. The best possible interpretation I can make would be if my masturbation sessions are messy and they expect I won't cleanup first. Hygiene is important. Plus, not all lube agrees with all skin, so easy, just rinse off or something. Again, this is the best possible interpretation.

2 has a couple of assumptions baked in. Masturbation isn't necessarily done for the goal of an orgasm. Some folks are the type to be "one and done" in a legit "can't physically do anything to reciprocate and need a nap" way instead of a "too lazy to reciprocate" way. For these folks, I can't imagine they would masturbate to orgasm if they are planning to have sex right after. Know thyself, etc. The flip side is folks who are very much _not_ the "one and done" type. This side includes moi. I don't get revved up very often, and it's actually rather difficult for me to do so. But when I do get going, I'm _going_ for a while. In many cases, I need a solid warmup, and in cases where there is the elusive orgasm, it like, breaks the dam and then I can continue having more. If I engage with a partner right away, it might not happen and some folks take that as a hit to their self-esteem which I prefer to avoid.

3 implies that you might not have considered the demands on your own body. Take some deep breaths and look for the best case interpretation. I forget that this is an exhausting endeavor or that it takes me forever, and how inconsiderate of me to not include my partners needs in my personal agenda for my body. (I can actually envision a scenario where this might be valid, but I got annoyed on the way there). This is something that is more of a conversation to negotiate boundaries and expectations. If exhaustion does happen, then the partner can masturbate, maybe even with an audience. The particular solution will depend on the precise situation happening.

Next, let's unpack the "masturbation is cheating" angle. This could be a whole essay, but I don't want to spend that energy. I'm saving it for better activities.

This is rooted in purity culture to an extent. And the incorrect assumption that any self-stimulation is fulfilling the same need as partnered stimulation. Often it's just physical too because you may not be required to be mentally or emotionally present. And it is framing things as "your partner can be the only valid way to meet this need." One can also interpret it with the "masturbation is a sexual relationship with oneself" interpretation and with how mono culture often seems to encourage forms of codependency, it is putting the responsibility of needs on the partner, and the partner alone.

There's so many ways this irks me, I can't even list them all. And just an aside, I'm not trying to disparage all mono folks. Realistically, when this happens (masturbation is cheating is the accepted terms of the relationship) it's putting a lot of responsibility on the couple to engage with each other sexually and there's no recourse when one fails. There will eventually be a failure because it's not actually meeting the same need. It's also creating a knowledge silo, so taking on a different partner becomes more work, and feels like a barrier. It will usually lead to trying to stay in the relationship, and masturbating with a need for secrecy and shame, which is unhealthy. It's doomed to fail, and potentially have long lasting psychological consequences. Purity culture is a colonization tactic, and used as such in "The Traitor Baru Cormorant" by Seth Dickinson, in case anyone needs more reasons to go read that book.

#Discussion #Masturbation #PartneredSex #PurityCulture #ScribblesOfAKat