#marylandcollege — Public Fediverse posts

“18”

about our experiences at St. John’s College in Annapolis, MD

I was only 18 when you lost me 
it was more than just a flesh wound 
I had just lost my father, it was second semester 
and everyone there was different, more liberal or
left leaning than me 
alcoholics alone in their dorms, trying to wash 
away their sins and praying for whiskey and the pulsing of drums to absolve them. 

they talked about God as though he were just 
another thing to dismantle, unfathomable to 
my sheltered, rubbed raw mind 
and you dashed me open like I was an egg, 
forgotten and left over after breakfast, 
carelessly tossed over the railing 
you mishandled all of me 
when my friends told you that the same boy
who'd used me up with empty promises 
and then discarded me like I was nothing 
had done it to at least 4 other women, 
you did nothing, only sat there on your pedestal
on your impenetrable hill, and allowed him to 
continue. 
I learned about it all and I never forgave you
and I wanted to kill him. 
I was only 18. 

I was only 18 when I became a corporeal ghost
barely breathing 
barely eating, barely getting out of bed 
haunted by the boy who'd raped me 
haunted by my father's death 
haunted by the fact that you'd still allow him 
to share these halls with my friends. 
haunted by the gaping void my life had become
see, my friends talked about God and saints
like they were dead. Little did they know that 
I was becoming one of the bodies. all because you refused 
to listen. 
I was only 18. 

I was only 18 when you saw me slipping away 
and still you demanded more, more blood from 
an already fragile stone. all the help you gave 
only made it worse. 
I'm still finding pieces of myself in the dark 10
years later. I still grieve for all the time I lost. 
how foolish of me to think that this was home. 
how could I have known any better? 
I was, after all, only 18...

-Allēna 12/7/2025

#coercion #cptsd #dvsurvivor #MarylandCollege #ourpoetry #stjohnscollegeannapolis

Coffeeshop AU

Having worked in two different Starbucks locations for the better part of a year, I can confirm that yes, coffeeshops are an alternate dimension of fuckery. Except most of the time, in my case, the fuckery in question was me.

Storytime, fuckers.

In 2016, a few months after losing my dad, I decided it was a brilliant fucking idea to start working at a Starbucks while in Maryland college because I didn’t want to go back to Texas that summer and wanted extra pocket money in the meantime.

I ended up going back to Texas anyway and working through the summer at the local Starbucks in my town there.

It was there that I met a guy who walked in one day after I started teaching myself violin like the absolute shit gremlin that I was. We’ll call him Kylo. Kylo had a ukulele on his back that my over caffeinated brainhole mistook for a violin. Kylo and I got to talking so hard that I was reprimanded by my supervisor and sent packing to clean to the very batshit bathrooms that played host to all manner of filth. Kylo went home, or so I thought. Turns out he came back inside and gave me his number on a napkin or something. I don’t fucking know. It was a long time ago.

We got to talking more after I got off of work and didn’t stop talking. We started dating awhile later.

There was just one small problem.

I was a disaster. And I was one disaster in an unacknowledged DID system that was bursting at the seams. So the relationship went about as well as you’d expect.

In other words, it ended pretty damn horribly less than a month later. Not knowing how to process any of my insurmountable grief or anything I was dealing with at the time, I turned to my good old friend songwriting, and wrote and recorded my second album A Stranger Who Listened in the span of about a week. Fun fact, I recorded it in a practice room at a university in Idaho that I call “Mormon college”. Did I end up going to Mormon college later on? You bet your sorry ass I did. Fuck that place.

I followed that thing up a few months later with my extended play Nothing Will Keep Us Together and my album North, extensions of the same attempt to process… Well… Everything.

Another time, back at Maryland college, my headmate Eight decided to be the fucking drama and run a FUCKING 5k in full equestrian gear, though. I think we have photos still.

We are insane.

-Allēna

#barista #batshittery #exMormon #Kylo #Maryland #MarylandCollege #MormonCollege #MyCreations #why