#tablespoons — Public Fediverse posts

Tablespoons at Work: Ultra-Serious Employment Law Guide 🥄

Tablespoons at work are one of the most difficult to locate and investment-heavy investments an employer like yourself can ever make. The products can be purchased in bulk, but you can guarantee within months a batch of 300 will be down to 3. Then that’s when the furious, enraged fighting between members of staff begins.

To avoid pitched battle in the workplace over limited tablespoons, you need to ensue you have a robust business strategy to ensure kitchen utensils and cutlery are overflowing to the maximum. In this expert guide, we explain how the bloody hell you can do that.

How to Avoid Workplace Tablespoon Hell

This matter is legislated by The Tablespoons at Work Act 1974, not to be confused with The Spoons at Work Act 1974, nor The Prunes at Work Act 1974 (prunes sounding somewhat similar to “spoons”). There’s also The Spume at Work Act 1974, which is also unrelated to The Tablespoons at Work Act 1974.

With that confusion cleared up, let it be known that The Tablespoons at Work Act 1974 is a subset of The Cutlery at Work Act 1974, which also covers popular kitchen items such as:

• Forks
• Knives
• Ladles
• Spatulas
• Whisks
• Ice cube trays
• Bazookas

The Act relating to the Act for this Act-related guide is, subsequently, worth noting for section 137 (a) on page 1,435. Verbatim:

“Tablespoon losses amount (and amounts) to fewer caffeinated beverages in the workplace. When fewer employees are smacked up on society’s most legally acceptable drug, this leads to listlessness, drowsiness, and a lack of productivity. Ensure you have many tablespoons proliferating throughout your organisation. Tablespoons are essential to ensure communism does not consume us all.”

As you can see, therefore, and hence; these utensils are vital. Otherwise, how is an employee supposed to stir their beverage? With a finger!? That may result in third-degree burns to the affected finger, which would undoubtedly result in an employment tribunal against your business, after which you’d close down and live in a muddy ditch.

As this is a matter of life or death, you should immediately abandon this paragraph in favour of the section below. For therein lies some facts (and not lies) about how to avoid business bedlam and Bolshevism.

Strategies for Ensuring You Don’t Run Out of Tablespoons at Work

There are many and varied (myriad) strategies that shall prevent the lack of tablespoons in thine business premises. The most immediate and effective strategy is to ensure you have enough tablespoons in thine business. Buying on bulk (en masse) is highly recommend by Capitalisme (the God of Capitalism).

Capitalisme also states within his Ultimate Doctrine of 1974-Based Employment Law Acts the following. Verbatim:

“I, Capitalisme, bestow forth onto business owners tablespoons. Use them to slake the caffeinated desires of thine employees. A caffeinated employee is a happy employee and, therefore, ripe for exploitation. HARK!!! Give them low-budget granulated coffee and thee shall succeed with billions.”

Professional Moron contacted Capitalisme directly for a quote on the meaning of his original quote. He replied via email stating this (verbatim):

“Fuck off you bastards!!!!”

We guess we caught Capitalisme on a bad day. We apologise to the God of Capitalism and urge him to not wreak vengeance on the Professional Moron office again. For we’ve had enough of that over the last 14 years thank you very much.

Conclusion: Ensure There are Tablespoons

The only logical solution to this crisis is to buy many, many tablespoons for your workplace. If you, say, already have 100… then THAT IS NOT ENOUGH! Buy more. Make it 1,000, not 100, for the fate of obscene avarice and delusions of grandeur sits on those diddy little tablespoons.

It’s good business practice to purchase at least 10,000 of them. Keep the surplus amount in the office basement or something. Whatever prevents the wrath of Capitalisme and enternal damnation to Capitalism Hell (i.e. minimum wage).