Live and recent posts from across the Fediverse tagged #autisticrelationships, aggregated by home.social.
I told my partner I had some food he was welcome to pick up on his way home from work tonight.
Upon arrival, he communicated his assumption that he would actually be coming in for a visit.
My face replied that that is not what I said.
So he invited himself over for *tomorrow,* which is sufficient notice.
No, I don't want to go shopping at the mall for clothes that can be ordered online. How about a bike ride instead?
“AH! ... Duhduhduhduh duhduhduhduh duhDUHduh d’AH AH! Duhduhduhduh duhduhduhdudh…”
Me, explaining to my partner how excited I was to be borrowing his Alice in Chains CD because I only ever had Dirt on cassette.
Thank you.
I prepared and sent minutes of meeting and my partner replied appreciatively and with one edit. His wording is much better in a document he might later consult to remind himself.
Should I do "minutes of meeting" for my partner re: our lengthy serious conversation given that his memory becomes absolutely terrible when his brain is bad?
I attended my partner’s big loud outdoor work party tonight. I did very well considering how many conversations were happening at once.
I don't understand how people accept a standard of communication whereby half of each sentence is obscured.
But I mainly did fine listening and laughing, and my partner pet me and put curated food in front of me, and some of his coworkers are truly lovely, and for a while there was a cat, so I did not lose my shit.
My partner texted me to phone him when I had a couple minutes, which is better than calling me spontaneously but still not my favourite.
Then he opened with small talk. I failed to respond allistically and he asked what was wrong.
“I’d just like to know what this phone call is about.”
That worked. A productive discussion ensued.
My partner spontaneously sent me a voice note the other day.
I had suggested this technology to him recently because he prefers using mouth words and I prefer having time to formulate a response.
He was reluctant at first compared to phone calls but now seems to see clear benefits compared to having to type. It may even be a bit of a game, cramming as many words as possible into one minute.
I dig it.
I cannot currently handle a phone conversation that would likely require more patience and diplomacy than I can contemporaneously muster.
I have asked my partner if he would consider sending a voice note instead. That way he can talk and I can hear his voice, but I have time to respond.
I tested the tech and set out the steps.
Now I wait.
I was audibly incredulous at my partner when he phoned just now in response to a text I'd sent.
I’d asked him to send a link for the thing he had emailed about.
He said my request was unclear.
It made me want to give up on language entirely. If this was unclear, communication is literally impossible.
Then I realized the issue was actually that he hadn't bothered to read thoughtfully and had just instinctively phoned in response as per his communication preferences.
He phoned while I was writing him a text. After daily updates, I raised new business:
Me: I’m considering spending [$X on Y] for [enumerated reasons]. Your input is invited.
Him: [Two relevant clarifying questions.]
Me: [Two factual explanations.]
Him: ... And you want to know what I think?
Me: Yes.
Him: It sounds reasonable.
Me (delighted): I agree!
Who knew conversations could go this smoothly.
My partner: "Well, once again, I can't argue with that."
Me: [Easily countering an argument.]
My partner (defeatedly): "Another fact."
A situation has made clear that my partner *still* doesn't believe me about my experiences
despite seeing the day-to-day evidence
despite me writing him thousands of words about it (with sources)
despite me performing it out loud in therapy for him.
I get that they are atypical, and extremely far from his experience.
But I got *kicked out of the house at 15* because I would not tell a lie.
I think I deserve more trust and understanding than this.
He seems to be listening. Taking steps. Accepting the truth of what I'm saying. I do wish it required less repetition and effort, though.
I'm leaving a love note in his underwear. I'm reverting to full-on authentic at this point, indulging whatever nonsense idea I come up with.
... Although, admittedly, that approach did make me wonder if I was going to get shot the other day.
The counsellor had given me the questions well in advance, as an accommodation.
But then she said *since* I had the questions in advance, I could just talk about whatever I wanted.
I bluescreened so hard my partner had to intervene.
He has said no to the wild garden idea, the man who broke up with me four weeks ago, but I have detected a pattern,
which is that he initially says no,
and then he eventually realizes I'm right,
and then he eventually agrees to subdelegate.
#AutisticRelationships
#ActuallyAutistic
(I can only give four options)
I set a good boundary just now!
My partner phoned from his car outside my building (after a nearby appointment), and suggested I should go down or he should come up.
Although I would have liked to say yes, I was not prepared either to go out in public or to have someone in my space.
So over-the-phone we made in-person plans *for later*, and then we each went about our business.
Notice, time to prepare, is a legitimate need. 💜
I'm giving my partner my Costco website password so he can look for sales on yard stuff. This is extremely romantic.
Next weekend he wants to work on his shed, which has been falling apart for years. Rotting at the bottom, occupied by an angry squirrel.
I've told him of course I'll help, just like he helps me with my stuff.
But I also added we should perhaps see about hiring a professional to install a new shed on a proper foundation.
Not my most subtle metaphor.
It's been a slightly challenging evening, but I'm pleased to report I've discovered an autistic socializing trick.
Sometimes during a group conversation there's a point I want to contribute but (1) I have some doubt whether allistics will see the obvious relevance of my comment, and (2) I can't handle attempting mouth words over other nearby mouth words and also loud music.
So here is the trick: I use a regular-volume voice directed just to my partner, and then he handles allistic interpretation and (where appropriate) broadcasting.
My point gets added to the conversation with minimal effort. It's a good trick.
Currently on repeat:
Chumbawumba, Tubthumping
Trying a new phrase with my partner: "I have additional thoughts to share here, if you ask for them."
Seems like a good opt-in practice, to avoid overstepping or info-dumping.
Edit: #AutisticRelationships (because the search function sucks).
It is possible my partner is enjoying the game of guessing which food textures I will object to.
I'm considering preparing an agenda for a phone call with my partner tonight.
I'm writing down points to remember to share anyway, and it is a short jump from there to an actual notice of meeting.
My partner: Are you sure you don't want a ride home?
Me: Yes, I'm sure.
[I like walking. I've talked about this before on here and I likely will again and I'm annoyed at the limitations of the search function so I guess I'm going to have to start using hashtags like #JohnMastodon intended.
[... Free casting idea: #SonequaMartin-Green (#SonequaMartinGreen?) as John Mastodon, a high-tech action-packed hacker-turned-hero flick.. [#KeanuReeves is also invited..]]
]
My partner: Are you sure you won't be cold?
Me (autistically): Well, no, I can't be sure about that, but it's a high probability: [list of factors].
And actually I was a bit cold, but not uncomfortably so, on a purposeful walk through a night full of moon and stars, ruminating on warm new memories and exciting new plans to develop.
[For serious, get on it, #Hollywood / #StarTrekIndustrialComplex.]
My partner suggested we do a particular activity last weekend and I said "yes, and you should invite your mother" because I thought she would enjoy it too and he feels guilty about not spending enough time with her.
[I've considered doing a poll on this, on the average frequency and length of interactions between aging parents and adult children, to have actual human facts to argue at his guilt. I haven't, though, because I'm concerned it could come across like a passive-aggressive attempt to get him to spend less time with her. This would be an uncharitable interpretation, completely without foundation, but lord knows allistic people love those.
(Also I think there are too many factors to get usable crowd-sourced data.)]
Anyway, so we did the activity and everyone was happy, and she asked us about our plans the next day and I said "Probably nothing together" and she laughed.
Which seems fair. It was an atypical thing to say, but saying typical things bores me.
(It is perhaps also relevant that he and I were basically sitting on each other at the time. He seems to consider this an appropriate level of contact in front of his mother, and I happily defer to his judgment here.)
ANYWAY, so, his mother laughed quizzically at me but it happens to be the truth: planned time apart is good for us, for the two of *us.* We exchange tiny love notes full of gleeful emojis about all the things we accomplished in the other's absence, sometimes with "thinking of you"-type attachments.
All I've ever wanted is an epistolary relationship where my brain and body and heart partner is often there, but also often he fucks off to do his own thing.
#AutisticRelationships, #AutisticOCDRelationships
(#Autistic-OCD-Relationships?)
My partner has had a block of tofu sitting in his fridge for ages, and he mentioned last week he'd been neglecting some naan in his freezer. So, having no better ideas for dinner tonight, I decided to google that particular combination of foodstuffs. Among the internet's bounty, the recipe I chose for tonight's kitchen adventure: za'atar tofu naan wraps.
(https://www.thekitchn.com/zaatar-tofu-naan-wraps-recipe-23215403)
I'd never had za'atar before. I mainly knew it as a thing beloved by Flame the Sled Dog (as recounted by Blair Braverman on Twitter), and it is rare enough here that it took me three grocery stores to find any. But that's what I'm doing now: devoting time to the kitchen specifically and the meatsack generally. So. For the "locate and obtain rare items" part of the quest too: [Final Fantasy "success" duh-duh-duhs].
Cooking is also an adventure. I'm getting much better at prep but I ask my partner to handle the steps that feel beyond my current skill level (like "pour oil in a way that doesn't result in mess or injury" (or, this past Friday, "handle chicken without causing food poisoning")). We are very good in the kitchen together. Rarely in the other's way, and each constantly scanning for a useful thing to do. It is enjoyable teamwork.
And then the reward: the food is usually delicious, and we both end up with leftovers (which is helping with the ARFID, e.g. I just heated up leftover Thai red curry chicken despite it being "too late" to eat).
I really think it might be the best idea I ever had, countering his stress-based "let's not see each other on weekdays" with "actually let's cook dinner together Mondays and Fridays."
I started musing a while ago about finding autistic-OCD a good relationship pairing...
https://eldritch.cafe/@Cassandra/109736209075798533...
And it's definitely true that my partner and I both benefit from him clearly explaining how he does things to me.
But what I'm thinking about now is the non-judgmental aspect of it. I don't care *what* the rule is - allisitic rules are *often* arbitrary - I just need it to be clear and consistent.
I believe my partner is enjoying not being judged for his harmless habits. And, since he is not a hypocrite, I get the same "it's atypical but whatever" benefit re: my harmless weirdness too.
I would be interested in others' thoughts on this. (I need to read more about OCD.)
I'm bringing the label maker tomorrow.
(He admitted it is arbitrary and thus unknowable that different types of spatulas are stored in different places.)
Part of my partner's fortress-itude is OCD. A lot of people are judgmental about it, and find him rude when he tells them what to do.
But, like, precise rules, clearly explained? Yes, thank you.
My partner: [mentions three things on the phone]
[Brief interlude]
Me: Okay, so, I have found solutions for three things.
It is *fascinating* to be in a relationship with someone who is analytical and careful with words but also deeply invested in allistic communication.
Sometimes I ask him how he read a particular subtext into something I said.
Sometimes he tells me the message hidden behind the words he used.
Together we are establishing interpretive principles and sometimes even definitions.
Bilingual, bijural, bineural.
Edit: #AutisticRelationships
I drew an interesting line today, instinctively and I now think justifiably.
My partner makes a habit of pretending to be fine. Apparently most people respond by pretending back that he is fine. Apparently this has the desired effect of causing him to expend *even more effort* pretending to be fine, and then "fine" somehow becomes true. Apparently he wanted *me* to respond this way too (pretending he is fine).
But I think it's more likely he'll burn the fuck out from all the effort than that he'll magically become fine. So even though it kills me to say no when he's asking for my help in a specific way, I declined to participate in this bit of acting.
With additional thought, I would now describe it as in essence a request to participate in allistic collective delusion. Everyone pretends everything is fine until something explodes.
... No.
(So, since no metaphor shall be left unmangled, some days he'll let the drawbridge down and I'll be like, "no, you clearly don't need a merchant today, I'm just going to go fuck around on the internet, you take a nap or something.")
I must really recommend the approach whereby
Person 1 explains to Person 2 what they need (instead of making them guess),
and then
Person 2 fulfils that need (instead of arguing / judging / refusing).