#gazes — Public Fediverse posts

Fitting In, Sometimes

I’ve been in Nanaimo for two-and-a-half years now, and I love it here. This is where I am going to live out the rest of my days. It has everything I want and need in my retirement years, including lovely places to walk, handy goods and services, and lots of friendly people.

The only wrinkle in this fabric is that I sometimes lie in bed at night wondering about real or imagined social faux pas, or perceived social put downs. As a newcomer, I am sensitive to differences and acutely aware of what I perceive to be societal norms, so it bothers me when I fail to meet local expectations.

The first thing I noticed was that women in my age group wear cross-body bags when they are shopping and out walking along the waterfront. When I first arrived I had a nice-but-old leather backpack-style purse, but didn’t see anyone else using them. Maybe they had gone out of fashion. I didn’t know. But, I knew what I saw and it wasn’t backpacks. So, I bought a cross-body bag. It wasn’t an up-market bag, and it wasn’t leather, but I thought it was good enough.

The bag may have passed the test, but something about the rest of my appearance was out of step. I know this because I have occasionally noticed friends’ gazes shift from my eyes to my clothes. You know that look. It goes from your face to your neckline, then your waist and hips, then back up to your eyes. Nothing is said about you. The conversation continues.

That look, though, encapsulates an assumption about your wealth, your taste in clothing, your choice in jewellery, and your social standing. If the gaze on me lingers just a little too long, I don’t think “Oh, they are admiring my clothes!” I think, “Oh dear. I’ve been judged and found wanting.” Clearly, I have insecurities! It doesn’t bother me if a stranger does it, but if it is a friend or acquaintance, I start to question my fashion choices.

To wear lipstick, or not to wear lipstick. To get a manicure or not to get a manicure. To wear a coat with a fur collar or a coat with a fake fur collar. If I notice the same attribute on enough women, I wonder if I should follow their lead.

I know that none, or at least very few, of the women I meet care very much about my appearance, but at the same time they do share a lot of characteristics that are not always in my repertoire. When you just want to quietly fit in, you don’t want to stand out by being different.

And now that I have just written that, I realize that I can’t help being different in some ways simply because of my varied life experiences. I should just learn to love my unique qualities and my non-standard wardrobe and let the gazes fall where they may.

Not only that, but I am probably letting my insecurities cause me to gaze at others longer than I should. Simply by noticing details on other people, I am guilty of the same crime in making assumptions. Gah! Now what?

I won’t be getting a coat with a fur collar any time soon, but I did recently buy a lipstick.

#appearances #assumptions #bags #coats #expectations #fauxPas #gazes #humour #judging #manicures #putDowns #societalNorms #wardrobe