#evilsam — Public Fediverse posts

@evilsam #evilsam is the only hashtag I follow. Everything else gets muted.

I know I’m not funny anymore but at least I’m getting laid.

#evilsam

Today’s a great day to have sex.

With yourself? Sure.

#ValentinesDay
#evilsam

Had a dream I was riding on the North Pole while holding chestnuts and licking snow off of my face. I guess it’s time to lay off the egg nog.

#evilsam

Why on earth can’t they make one vibrator with interchangeable heads that does it all? I’d like my storage space back.

#evilsam

Nothing is more reliable than a fuckboy after midnight.

#evilsam

Found my new shirt in Sam’s closet. He’s a keeper.

#evilsam

It’s ok I won’t tell your partner that you like all my posts.

#evilsam

Back in my day dog collars weren’t even padded. This good boy is extra spoiled.

#evilsam

Waiting for my stuffing.

#evilsam

I asked my boy toy for some computer advice and he just offers to build me a new one. Why are nerds so romantic?

#evilsam

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover

#evilsam

I found out that safe words are useless when you have a ball gag in your mouth.

#evilsam

If you thought you loved the Nightmare before Christmas, just wait until you see it in IMAX 4D with vibrating and bouncy seats.

#foreplay
#evilsam

Got another holiday shopping recommendation from Amazon.

#evilsam

Escape rooms are the best foreplay. You’re welcome.

#evilsam

Don’t ever forget that Jesus lovesssss sinners.

#evilsam

Me at the Apple Store looking for a new iPhone:

“So what kind of camera angles do these things get?”

#evilsam

It’s not that I have daddy issues, I just like feeling like a special little girl.

#evilsam

Next time I talk about my vagina I’ll be more careful and not scare anyone away. I know how wet and dark they can be.

#evilsam

Sam didn’t want to celebrate his bday so I offered to light it on fire. This was the “anti bday” birthday celebration.

#evilsam

Dating is like shopping for new jeans. Some hug your ass just right. Some make you want to unzip while at the kitchen table.

#evilsam

I know we are just friends but I wear a size small collar. Prefer chains not leashes.

#evilsam

We finally found out which Sam was more evil. 😈

#evilsam

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

#evilsam

I told Sam I was coming over with some rope so we can get to know each other better. He replied by asking for duct tape.

#truelove
#truecrime
#evilsam

There’s something sexy about dating someone named Sam. In a kinky switch kind of way.

#evilsam

The real key to his heart is a pair of high waisted yoga pants. You’re welcome.

#evilsam

Sorry I rubbed you the wrong way. Come closer so I can try again.

#evilsam

The only thing that’s more of a turn off than missionary is saying it out loud.

#evilsam

Who knew a whipped cream eye was attractive outside of the bedroom.

#makeuptutorial
#evilsam