#dadslump — Public Fediverse posts
Live and recent posts from across the Fediverse tagged #dadslump, aggregated by home.social.
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Resolving to pay down my (average) credit card debt (which ballooned because of #DadsLump) rapidly, I am brutally slashing Door Dash and all online retail from my budget. I literally eat most of my household budget (though mental health care and BENSON certainly edge to the top of my expenses.)
The vet told me how much Benson's 'consult' will cost and he needs to get a job!!
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Resolving to pay down my (average) credit card debt (which ballooned because of #DadsLump) rapidly, I am brutally slashing Door Dash and all online retail from my budget. I literally eat most of my household budget (though mental health care and BENSON certainly edge to the top of my expenses.)
The vet told me how much Benson's 'consult' will cost and he needs to get a job!!
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CW: Dad's Lump + cremation
They're cremating Dad today.
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CW: Dad's Lump + cremation
They're cremating Dad today.
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CW: The sads
#DadsLump #Grief #ParentalLoss
Picking up the last of dad's private papers from the house. So glad we set up his NOK (next of kin) box last summer/fall. His degrees, certificates are next.
I'll be at his house scheduling house clean out and his internment once we have his ashes.
We had a little too much after dinner last night so we're all hungover. This morning, over pastries and coffee, I wanted so badly to look across the table and see dad cutting his eyes in that way he had as he said something provocative and outrageous.
His absence is becoming more real to me each day.
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CW: The sads
#DadsLump #Grief #ParentalLoss
Picking up the last of dad's private papers from the house. So glad we set up his NOK (next of kin) box last summer/fall. His degrees, certificates are next.
I'll be at his house scheduling house clean out and his internment once we have his ashes.
We had a little too much after dinner last night so we're all hungover. This morning, over pastries and coffee, I wanted so badly to look across the table and see dad cutting his eyes in that way he had as he said something provocative and outrageous.
His absence is becoming more real to me each day.
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My sister and I have different ways of coping.
My chest is full of anxiety and jitters so I'm watching a cooking show to distract myself.
My sister has done two loads of laundry, washed dishes, cleaned the toilet, and now she's whipping up an artichoke dish.
I need an edible.
And I miss my dog. -
My sister and I have different ways of coping.
My chest is full of anxiety and jitters so I'm watching a cooking show to distract myself.
My sister has done two loads of laundry, washed dishes, cleaned the toilet, and now she's whipping up an artichoke dish.
I need an edible.
And I miss my dog. -
CW: Grief+Parental Loss
A quiet rainy morning in LA.
We're handling the small details for the Mar 1 memorial.
My sister is grading papers.
Coffee in hand.Boss texted me: Let me know if you want to check in later.
No, I don't need to check in. But clearly she does. So maybe I'll call her later.With these quieter days, the grief is seeping through more forcefully. It's easy to forget, in all the planning, organizing, and logistics, that Dad isn't here anymore.
No more hilariously outrageous phone calls.
No more reminders to eat something other than toast for breakfast.
No more family or church tea.
No more loud political or cultural debates over dinner and cocktails while folks from other tables eavesdrop.God I'm gonna miss his face.
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CW: Grief+Parental Loss
A quiet rainy morning in LA.
We're handling the small details for the Mar 1 memorial.
My sister is grading papers.
Coffee in hand.Boss texted me: Let me know if you want to check in later.
No, I don't need to check in. But clearly she does. So maybe I'll call her later.With these quieter days, the grief is seeping through more forcefully. It's easy to forget, in all the planning, organizing, and logistics, that Dad isn't here anymore.
No more hilariously outrageous phone calls.
No more reminders to eat something other than toast for breakfast.
No more family or church tea.
No more loud political or cultural debates over dinner and cocktails while folks from other tables eavesdrop.God I'm gonna miss his face.
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i'm working on all the comms assets for my dad's Celebration of Life service in 2 weeks and I'm hitting a mental/productivity wall.
Also creating the schedule for the house, following up with an estate lawyer, the final business of closing the accounts once death certificates are ready, dealing with the knowledge that this memorial might be....large.
I want to tell my sister to stop talking to people, but apparently, I'm the only introvert in the family. They're all sharing with their circles and maaaaan....I need everyone to shhhhhh.
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i'm working on all the comms assets for my dad's Celebration of Life service in 2 weeks and I'm hitting a mental/productivity wall.
Also creating the schedule for the house, following up with an estate lawyer, the final business of closing the accounts once death certificates are ready, dealing with the knowledge that this memorial might be....large.
I want to tell my sister to stop talking to people, but apparently, I'm the only introvert in the family. They're all sharing with their circles and maaaaan....I need everyone to shhhhhh.
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#ParentalLoss #Grief #DadsLump
It's funny to see a loved one through the eyes of others.
My sister and I were humbled by the outpouring of support from a queer Black men's support group that our father joined when he came out.
We sat for a while, and they shared their impressions of our dad. We came away with a picture of a generous, wise, elder statesman. Like a gay Morgan Freeman.
Later, we sat in the car.
Sis: Did Dad totally transform into a whole other person when he was here?
Me: Seriously! We won't tell them the times we had to yell at dad for being out of pocket.
Later, a young man said that our father was the oldest Black gay man in their large and active community. That meant something for them.
I'll let them have their version of Dad. It was his best version. His most hard-won version.
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#ParentalLoss #Grief #DadsLump
It's funny to see a loved one through the eyes of others.
My sister and I were humbled by the outpouring of support from a queer Black men's support group that our father joined when he came out.
We sat for a while, and they shared their impressions of our dad. We came away with a picture of a generous, wise, elder statesman. Like a gay Morgan Freeman.
Later, we sat in the car.
Sis: Did Dad totally transform into a whole other person when he was here?
Me: Seriously! We won't tell them the times we had to yell at dad for being out of pocket.
Later, a young man said that our father was the oldest Black gay man in their large and active community. That meant something for them.
I'll let them have their version of Dad. It was his best version. His most hard-won version.
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#ParentalLoss #Grief #DadsLump
I wrote Dad's story (while my sister listened in and added slight -- less fun -- adjustments) yesterday.
I hate the obituaries that are just a bland litany of dates. I wanted to give a sense of the kind of man my dad was. His spiciness peeks through.
In the end, I think we did pretty good.
https://www.weremember.com/john-edwin-coleman/5x7d/memories?utm_campaign=memorial_share
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#ParentalLoss #Grief #DadsLump
I wrote Dad's story (while my sister listened in and added slight -- less fun -- adjustments) yesterday.
I hate the obituaries that are just a bland litany of dates. I wanted to give a sense of the kind of man my dad was. His spiciness peeks through.
In the end, I think we did pretty good.
https://www.weremember.com/john-edwin-coleman/5x7d/memories?utm_campaign=memorial_share
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I accumulated a LOT of points on Southwest with all the flights to LA last year.
So I just booked my 2nd bereavement week for only $12.
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I accumulated a LOT of points on Southwest with all the flights to LA last year.
So I just booked my 2nd bereavement week for only $12.
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CW: Dad's Lump + 🌈 Bridge
My dad passed in the wee hours of the morning.
A Bestie has been sitting with me while I figure out logistics and wait to hear from my sister.
My feelings: immense grief. Immense relief. Joy and gratitude that his passing was peaceful and without struggle. Gratitude that I was able to hold his hand, kiss his cheek, and say I love you one last time.
May he be well.
May he be happy.
May he be free from sorrow. -
CW: Dad's Lump + 🌈 Bridge
My dad passed in the wee hours of the morning.
A Bestie has been sitting with me while I figure out logistics and wait to hear from my sister.
My feelings: immense grief. Immense relief. Joy and gratitude that his passing was peaceful and without struggle. Gratitude that I was able to hold his hand, kiss his cheek, and say I love you one last time.
May he be well.
May he be happy.
May he be free from sorrow. -
A thing that went through my mind today -- and it has nothing to do with the ongoing coup:
Adulting is high.
It was a moment of self-doubt.
I thought: what if I never recover my mojo because grief has stamped it all out? What if no one wants me anymore because I spent the whole fucking year dealing with dad's literal and figurative shit?
It was petty.
But it's what I felt.Sigh.
My Heauxtation was awesome, gotdammit.
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A thing that went through my mind today -- and it has nothing to do with the ongoing coup:
Adulting is high.
It was a moment of self-doubt.
I thought: what if I never recover my mojo because grief has stamped it all out? What if no one wants me anymore because I spent the whole fucking year dealing with dad's literal and figurative shit?
It was petty.
But it's what I felt.Sigh.
My Heauxtation was awesome, gotdammit.
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PS: I also cannot *wait* until all this #DadsLump business is over so I can rebuild my Heauxtation and get on with the Grief Shenanigans. Jesus, I'm stressed.
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PS: I also cannot *wait* until all this #DadsLump business is over so I can rebuild my Heauxtation and get on with the Grief Shenanigans. Jesus, I'm stressed.
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Today was brunch with Bestie and couldn't wait for it to be over. I tried to maintain a mask but couldn't.
I have no energy to engage with people face to face -- especially when they are also reeling from the shitshow.
She asked me what I needed right now and I said space.
The only energy I have in my head and body is for family, Benson, me.
Everything and everyone else is just white noise.
I'm really trying not to be a hermit because I know that's not good but I have limited energy for other people right now.
After brunch, at home, I laid my head on Benson's chest as he snored and just calmed down as he rumbled. We had dinner, i dropped treats into his mouth, and he booped me. Schmoopie.
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Today was brunch with Bestie and couldn't wait for it to be over. I tried to maintain a mask but couldn't.
I have no energy to engage with people face to face -- especially when they are also reeling from the shitshow.
She asked me what I needed right now and I said space.
The only energy I have in my head and body is for family, Benson, me.
Everything and everyone else is just white noise.
I'm really trying not to be a hermit because I know that's not good but I have limited energy for other people right now.
After brunch, at home, I laid my head on Benson's chest as he snored and just calmed down as he rumbled. We had dinner, i dropped treats into his mouth, and he booped me. Schmoopie.
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Home.
I wanted to get some death admin done. Calls to make. Emails to send.But a wave of exhaustion washed over me.
I burst into tears and now I'm watching Shetland so my brain can quiet down
I need a break.
Just a few minutes. -
Home.
I wanted to get some death admin done. Calls to make. Emails to send.But a wave of exhaustion washed over me.
I burst into tears and now I'm watching Shetland so my brain can quiet down
I need a break.
Just a few minutes. -
#DadsLump
#DogsOfMastodon
#MeetHarcourtMy dad's dog, Harcourt, who is just the sweetest little Shiba-Hua-Hua, needs a soft landing!
He loves treats, butt scritches, walks, sitting on the front porch watching the neighborhood, glaring at neighbors, sleeping in sunny corners, nesting in his comfy bed, and jumping in your lap for snuggles.
He hates ice cream trucks. He will chase mice.
He would be perfect for anyone who wants to unleash a volcano of affection on a little potato.
I want him to find a soft new home so much.
In LA/South LA.
Slide into my DMs, boost, share! -
#DadsLump
#DogsOfMastodon
#MeetHarcourtMy dad's dog, Harcourt, who is just the sweetest little Shiba-Hua-Hua, needs a soft landing!
He loves treats, butt scritches, walks, sitting on the front porch watching the neighborhood, glaring at neighbors, sleeping in sunny corners, nesting in his comfy bed, and jumping in your lap for snuggles.
He hates ice cream trucks. He will chase mice.
He would be perfect for anyone who wants to unleash a volcano of affection on a little potato.
I want him to find a soft new home so much.
In LA/South LA.
Slide into my DMs, boost, share! -
Returning to Oakland tomorrow.
Left instructions with dad's caregivers; brought the cremation provider aboard; prepped for memorial planning; legal bases covered (as far as I know.) Five days of meals & memories with my sister and our chosen family circle of support.
I also have a new employee starting on Wednesday. Boss Lady is back.
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Returning to Oakland tomorrow.
Left instructions with dad's caregivers; brought the cremation provider aboard; prepped for memorial planning; legal bases covered (as far as I know.) Five days of meals & memories with my sister and our chosen family circle of support.
I also have a new employee starting on Wednesday. Boss Lady is back.
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Things I did yesterday:
Watched the last of TikTok.
Saw a cousin I haven't seen in over 30 years.
Administered a nebulizer for my dad.
Got the ball rolling with the cremation service provider.
Got the ball rolling with a family friend wrt the house.
Had an amazing dinner at my sister's house
Discovered my nephew is a sommelier of scents. (He has a really interesting nose.)Read all about the signs of incipient death from a hospice booklet and realized dad is checking all of them, one by one.
It really won't be long.
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Some of the Lyft drivers I've had amazing conversations with this trip:
The 4-time cancer survivor who used to be Sammy Davis Jr's dance captain.
The aspiring Latino actor writing a screenplay he's really excited about and thinks Jennifer Lawrence would be perfect for.
The Black vegan audio engineer whose family members lost their homes in Altadena.
The middle-aged woman who is a dog mom to Zeus, the aggressive Chihuahua, and who is finally tired of dating in LA.
The Arab man who told me Saudi Arabian coffee is green and expensive as hell.
And tonight:
The most vintage LA of Lyft drivers: older, blonde, smoker voice, metal on the radio, knitted cap, rough hands. The kind of LA man who hangs out in the old guy bars in Venice or San Pedro. Blue collar. In his words: "Not happy but can't complain." He lost his brother and father in November.
I've been talking to a lot of strangers this week. Weird.
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Some of the Lyft drivers I've had amazing conversations with this trip:
The 4-time cancer survivor who used to be Sammy Davis Jr's dance captain.
The aspiring Latino actor writing a screenplay he's really excited about and thinks Jennifer Lawrence would be perfect for.
The Black vegan audio engineer whose family members lost their homes in Altadena.
The middle-aged woman who is a dog mom to Zeus, the aggressive Chihuahua, and who is finally tired of dating in LA.
The Arab man who told me Saudi Arabian coffee is green and expensive as hell.
And tonight:
The most vintage LA of Lyft drivers: older, blonde, smoker voice, metal on the radio, knitted cap, rough hands. The kind of LA man who hangs out in the old guy bars in Venice or San Pedro. Blue collar. In his words: "Not happy but can't complain." He lost his brother and father in November.
I've been talking to a lot of strangers this week. Weird.
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CW: Dad's Lump+Dying Parent
I'm at Dad's now.
We worked really hard to clean him up and reset his bed/linen/pads.Hospice workers are incredible.
Because this is intense.Handling Dad's body is humbling. But also a reminder of my current blessings. Yeah, my back is a little sore right now but I'm grateful I can move around and run 4 different loads of laundry while I listen to my dad breathe.
Attending the dying....oof.
This is hard AF.I reached out to a cremation provider today. I'm about to call the cemetery where mom and dad have a plot. I've made a list called Dad's Rainbow Bridge where I've deliniated the big ticket things that we need to prep for as he gets closer to the end.
Shit is real.
I also smell like old man+disinfectant.
I need a shower. -
CW: Dad's Lump+Dying Parent
I'm at Dad's now.
We worked really hard to clean him up and reset his bed/linen/pads.Hospice workers are incredible.
Because this is intense.Handling Dad's body is humbling. But also a reminder of my current blessings. Yeah, my back is a little sore right now but I'm grateful I can move around and run 4 different loads of laundry while I listen to my dad breathe.
Attending the dying....oof.
This is hard AF.I reached out to a cremation provider today. I'm about to call the cemetery where mom and dad have a plot. I've made a list called Dad's Rainbow Bridge where I've deliniated the big ticket things that we need to prep for as he gets closer to the end.
Shit is real.
I also smell like old man+disinfectant.
I need a shower. -
CW: Dad's Lump+Emanuel his Carer
Whoo-sah.
The time with dad was good.
When I arrived his carer was giving him a sponge bath.There is no shame between parent and child at this point. Dad's nude frail body has changed so much from the force of nature man who raised me.
Tiny legs, narrow waist and chest. His hands and feet still long and graceful (he needs a pedi.) His white beard neatly trimmed. His hair shorn short.
He looks like a brown El Greco.
It's the arm that alarms. Grotesquely large and misshapen. Hanging uselessly by his side. Growing larger and pushing on his chest cavity. I can even see it from his back.
I spend the afternoon talking with the carer, a young man named Emanuel. He has lived with my dad for years. I observed, This is hard to watch, isn't it?
He said, It is. But I'm glad that I can be here and do this because of everything your dad did for me. There's love and healing in that.
And we both teared up.
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CW: Dad's Lump+Emanuel his Carer
Whoo-sah.
The time with dad was good.
When I arrived his carer was giving him a sponge bath.There is no shame between parent and child at this point. Dad's nude frail body has changed so much from the force of nature man who raised me.
Tiny legs, narrow waist and chest. His hands and feet still long and graceful (he needs a pedi.) His white beard neatly trimmed. His hair shorn short.
He looks like a brown El Greco.
It's the arm that alarms. Grotesquely large and misshapen. Hanging uselessly by his side. Growing larger and pushing on his chest cavity. I can even see it from his back.
I spend the afternoon talking with the carer, a young man named Emanuel. He has lived with my dad for years. I observed, This is hard to watch, isn't it?
He said, It is. But I'm glad that I can be here and do this because of everything your dad did for me. There's love and healing in that.
And we both teared up.
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CW: Dad's Lump+Unpopular Opinions
Very Cordelia (King Lear) for me to say but I could probably get a new Surface laptop with all the cash I'm spending on flight/hotel/boarding to go down to LA.
I know.
Bad Daughter.
This is what Feeling the Feelings looks like.
Sometimes those feelings are: "Fuck. I could be doing other things right now."
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CW: Dad's Lump+Unpopular Opinions
Very Cordelia (King Lear) for me to say but I could probably get a new Surface laptop with all the cash I'm spending on flight/hotel/boarding to go down to LA.
I know.
Bad Daughter.
This is what Feeling the Feelings looks like.
Sometimes those feelings are: "Fuck. I could be doing other things right now."
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Leave it to my dad to journey into that good night while LA is a circle of fire.
Dramatic AF.
Y'all, I'm going to be a jello mold of black humor while I go through this.
I don't do Hallmark channel sentimentality. I feel the feels (had a good weepy session this morning before walking the dog) but I express them with snark.
Anyway, in true 👑 fashion, dad is summoning me home like it's a movie starring The Rock.
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Leave it to my dad to journey into that good night while LA is a circle of fire.
Dramatic AF.
Y'all, I'm going to be a jello mold of black humor while I go through this.
I don't do Hallmark channel sentimentality. I feel the feels (had a good weepy session this morning before walking the dog) but I express them with snark.
Anyway, in true 👑 fashion, dad is summoning me home like it's a movie starring The Rock.
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CW: Dad's Lump update
My sister just called me home.
We think this is it -- or close to it - for dad.God, I'm stressed. My chest feels like an elephant is sitting on it.
But one thing at a time:
1. Take care of Benson.
2. Delegate things at the office.
3. Get down there.Tonight is: take care of myself so I can get through the week.
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CW: Dad's Lump update
My sister just called me home.
We think this is it -- or close to it - for dad.God, I'm stressed. My chest feels like an elephant is sitting on it.
But one thing at a time:
1. Take care of Benson.
2. Delegate things at the office.
3. Get down there.Tonight is: take care of myself so I can get through the week.
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CW: Dad's lump+anticipatory grief
Oof. My sister and I are going through it.
Our cousin just died of pancreatic cancer tonight.
Today, my sister said, Come when you can, but make it soon.
The awful to-do list of death admin has been running quietly in the back of my brain since Christmas.
One thing at a time.
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CW: Dad's lump+anticipatory grief
Oof. My sister and I are going through it.
Our cousin just died of pancreatic cancer tonight.
Today, my sister said, Come when you can, but make it soon.
The awful to-do list of death admin has been running quietly in the back of my brain since Christmas.
One thing at a time.
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When you're the type who displaces her #DadsLump anxiety and worry by going to the (empty) office.
In the rain.
Sigh.
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When you're the type who displaces her #DadsLump anxiety and worry by going to the (empty) office.
In the rain.
Sigh.
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CW: Dying dad+hospice
Is it normal to burst into tears when you're leaving a message at the hospice center?
They must hear everything from families.
I'm already grateful they exist.
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CW: Dying dad+hospice
Is it normal to burst into tears when you're leaving a message at the hospice center?
They must hear everything from families.
I'm already grateful they exist.
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CW: Dying dad is a PITA+A ha moments
Today I helped my dad pee, moved his body on the bed, helped him find a position comfortable for his bed sore.
(My sister said, We gotta air those cheeks, Dad! She was a rock today.)
I'm becoming inured to the body functions. I paid his bills. We cleaned his sickroom. We bullied him into eating. We watched him nap. We brushed his hair. As I was taking away his pee, he looked up at me and asked, Is this it?
And I said, Yep. This is it.
I don't know if we were talking about the same things.
Watching my father approach the light in a really ugly way is more difficult than the smells. I don't know how to help him reach peace -- but maybe that's beyond my brief. That's his journey to make.
I just wish whatever is making this so ugly and frightening for him wasn't so.
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CW: Dying dad is a PITA+A ha moments
Today I helped my dad pee, moved his body on the bed, helped him find a position comfortable for his bed sore.
(My sister said, We gotta air those cheeks, Dad! She was a rock today.)
I'm becoming inured to the body functions. I paid his bills. We cleaned his sickroom. We bullied him into eating. We watched him nap. We brushed his hair. As I was taking away his pee, he looked up at me and asked, Is this it?
And I said, Yep. This is it.
I don't know if we were talking about the same things.
Watching my father approach the light in a really ugly way is more difficult than the smells. I don't know how to help him reach peace -- but maybe that's beyond my brief. That's his journey to make.
I just wish whatever is making this so ugly and frightening for him wasn't so.
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CW: Dying dad is a PITA+A ha moments
Things I wish I had known earlier as a part-time parental caregiver to a parent who's a real PITA:
- it's ok to feel like this.
- accessible clothing makes everything easier and I wish I had known this MONTHS ago
- the hospital bed should have been ordered 6 months ago
- a little bit of home organization goes a long way. I spent most of yesterday putting his supplies in bins, stacks, and reorganizing his space so his caregivers could reach things easilyThings I'm realizing now:
- AARP actually has good advice for this shit
- men of my dad's generation are completely cut off from their bodies holy shit. If it legit weren't for their mothers or wives, they would have literally just died on a hill, I guess.
- therapy for dying people should be part of their end of life care because dad is NOT dealing well with that (despite being an ex pastor which is super ironic)
- I've absorbed a lot watching nurse teams in various ICU situations -
CW: Dying dad is a PITA+A ha moments
Things I wish I had known earlier as a part-time parental caregiver to a parent who's a real PITA:
- it's ok to feel like this.
- accessible clothing makes everything easier and I wish I had known this MONTHS ago
- the hospital bed should have been ordered 6 months ago
- a little bit of home organization goes a long way. I spent most of yesterday putting his supplies in bins, stacks, and reorganizing his space so his caregivers could reach things easilyThings I'm realizing now:
- AARP actually has good advice for this shit
- men of my dad's generation are completely cut off from their bodies holy shit. If it legit weren't for their mothers or wives, they would have literally just died on a hill, I guess.
- therapy for dying people should be part of their end of life care because dad is NOT dealing well with that (despite being an ex pastor which is super ironic)
- I've absorbed a lot watching nurse teams in various ICU situations -
CW: Dad has cancer and living like a hobo
You know that meme of Donald Glover walking into a room and everything is on fire?
That was me getting to dad's house.
Jesus christ the fuckery. -
CW: Dad has cancer and living like a hobo
You know that meme of Donald Glover walking into a room and everything is on fire?
That was me getting to dad's house.
Jesus christ the fuckery. -
CW: Dad's Lump update
Yesterday was nerve-wracking.
Dad wasn't answering my morning calls and then he sent a text that was a little alarming. So my sister dragged herself out of her Covid bed (she says she's negative but I know that cough -- it's Covid) to do a wellness check.
She got there and he was being tended to by a neighbor lady who made him a big breakfast.
And that was the crisis: he ate sugar all day on Thanksgiving and had a massive sugar crash on Friday and thought he was having a stroke.
While my sister was relaying minute by minute updates, I was frantically looking up extended stays in South LA that allowed pets, pet transport, and sending messages to my team about my need to be flexible with my location this month.
When I got the everything is fine message and could talk to Dad and hear the timbre of his voice, it was around 5 and I finally relaxed.
THANK YOU for all the kind thoughts.
Upshot: we *are* going to be looking into home hospice care options this week.