#theonion — Public Fediverse posts
Live and recent posts from across the Fediverse tagged #theonion, aggregated by home.social.
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The only problem with #TheOnion #joke articles is that they used to be just plain funny. A good laugh. Nothing more
But nowadays they are prophetic, revelatory and dire insight into serious, grim problems in the world
"Everything Finally Clicks For Man After Getting Diagnosed As Stupid
Area Dullard Now Has Name For Lifelong Condition"
https://theonion.com/everything-finally-clicks-for-man-after-getting-diagnosed-as-stupid/
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The only problem with #TheOnion #joke articles is that they used to be just plain funny. A good laugh. Nothing more
But nowadays they are prophetic, revelatory and dire insight into serious, grim problems in the world
"Everything Finally Clicks For Man After Getting Diagnosed As Stupid
Area Dullard Now Has Name For Lifelong Condition"
https://theonion.com/everything-finally-clicks-for-man-after-getting-diagnosed-as-stupid/
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The only problem with #TheOnion #joke articles is that they used to be just plain funny. A good laugh. Nothing more
But nowadays they are prophetic, revelatory and dire insight into serious, grim problems in the world
"Everything Finally Clicks For Man After Getting Diagnosed As Stupid
Area Dullard Now Has Name For Lifelong Condition"
https://theonion.com/everything-finally-clicks-for-man-after-getting-diagnosed-as-stupid/
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The only problem with #TheOnion #joke articles is that they used to be just plain funny. A good laugh. Nothing more
But nowadays they are prophetic, revelatory and dire insight into serious, grim problems in the world
"Everything Finally Clicks For Man After Getting Diagnosed As Stupid
Area Dullard Now Has Name For Lifelong Condition"
https://theonion.com/everything-finally-clicks-for-man-after-getting-diagnosed-as-stupid/
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Relatable.
#TheOnion #funny #humor
"Department Of Labor Response Team Seals Off Toxic Workplace Environment"
https://theonion.com/department-of-labor-response-team-seals-off-toxic-workp-1821126775/ -
Relatable.
#TheOnion #funny #humor
"Department Of Labor Response Team Seals Off Toxic Workplace Environment"
https://theonion.com/department-of-labor-response-team-seals-off-toxic-workp-1821126775/ -
Relatable.
#TheOnion #funny #humor
"Department Of Labor Response Team Seals Off Toxic Workplace Environment"
https://theonion.com/department-of-labor-response-team-seals-off-toxic-workp-1821126775/ -
Relatable.
#TheOnion #funny #humor
"Department Of Labor Response Team Seals Off Toxic Workplace Environment"
https://theonion.com/department-of-labor-response-team-seals-off-toxic-workp-1821126775/ -
Relatable.
#TheOnion #funny #humor
"Department Of Labor Response Team Seals Off Toxic Workplace Environment"
https://theonion.com/department-of-labor-response-team-seals-off-toxic-workp-1821126775/ -
#TheOnion truly is the best source for honest insights into U.S. #health policies under #RFKJr https://theonion.com/cdc-successfully-eradicates-children/
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#TheOnion truly is the best source for honest insights into U.S. #health policies under #RFKJr https://theonion.com/cdc-successfully-eradicates-children/
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#TheOnion truly is the best source for honest insights into U.S. #health policies under #RFKJr https://theonion.com/cdc-successfully-eradicates-children/
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#TheOnion truly is the best source for honest insights into U.S. #health policies under #RFKJr https://theonion.com/cdc-successfully-eradicates-children/
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#TheOnion truly is the best source for honest insights into U.S. #health policies under #RFKJr https://theonion.com/cdc-successfully-eradicates-children/
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CW: Offensive image contained within - not safe for children
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The Onion’s Infowars Is Destroying What’s Left Of Alex Jones’ Reputation And Getting Sandy Hook Families Paid
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And now for something completely different...
This is really happening... at the intersection of Alex Jones, Info Wars, MAGA crazy, The Onion, and frogs.
>The Onion’s InfoWars Site Is Selling Plushies That Are Turning the Frickin’ Frogs Gay
https://www.them.us/entertainment/infowars-gay-frog-plushies
> None of these words are in the Bible.
This sure does seem like an Onion sort of story... It's getting harder to tell, now!
#TheOnion #AlexJones #frogs #plushies #homophobia #parody #InfoWars
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Elon Musk: ‘Revenge Porn Is A Human Right’
#ElonMask #Grok #RevengePorn #satire #TheOnion #FuckElon #GrokPedo #ai #EveryoneHatesElon #ElonIsAFascist
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News from Real #InfoWars. Alex Jones is dead. That's right he popped like a balloon. Check the broadcast
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnz6PTSXiI0
Man I've missed Jim Haggerty.
#AlexJones #TimHeidecker #TheJimHaggertyShow #JimHaggerty #TheOnion
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The Onion’s ‘Infowars’ #Parody Is Here. #AlexJones Is Going to Hate It
The satirical site is fighting to officially take over #Infowars. In the meantime, CEO Ben Collins says the new show will mock “how fucking stupid” conspiratorial brain rot has become.
#theonion #conspiracy #satirehttps://www.wired.com/story/the-onions-infowars-parody-is-here-alex-jones-is-going-to-hate-it/
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Alex Jones subjected the families of Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting victims to nearly a decade of extreme harassment and death threats by repeatedly promoting the false conspiracy theory that the 2012 massacre was an elaborate hoax and that the grieving parents were "crisis actors"
#AlexJones #SandyHook #infowars #uspol #FuckAlexJones #TheOnion
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Via The Onion's InfoWars:
Alex Jones popped like a balloon 💥😆
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#TheOnion #AlexJones #Infowars #SandyHook
See? I told ya that comedy is about the only thing that'll save us!
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WBEZ: The Onion relaunches InfoWars, Alex Jones’ right-wing conspiracy website, this week. “Here’s something you absolutely can trust, barring some last-minute legal roadblock: the Chicago-based satirical newspaper, The Onion, is set to launch InfoWars on July 2, a year and seven months after it won the initial auction to take over the website founded by right-wing conspiracy theorist Alex […]
https://rbfirehose.com/2026/07/01/wbez-the-onion-relaunches-infowars-alex-jones-right-wing-conspiracy-website-this-week/ -
Concurring with The Onion: There Absolutely Nothing We Can Learn from Clams
Screencap of Onion where some sort of scientist is announcing something in front of a Powerpoint slide of a clamLast week, The Onion, a very serious journalistic publication, published a piece “Biologists Announce There Absolutely Nothing We Can Learn From Clams“. As a print subscriber I want to say I played a small part in this article, which I’ve actually hung on my office wall. But I want to take it a step further and write a line-by-line concurrence with everything they wrote!
WOODS HOLE, MA—Saying they saw no conceivable reason to bother with the bivalve mollusks, biologists at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution announced Thursday that there was absolutely nothing to be learned from clams.
Wow, I do know a researcher who studies clams at Woods Hole and actually love her work! Nina Whitney is now a prof at Western Washington University but until recently was a postdoc studying how shells can serve as records of climate! I wonder who The Onion interviewed.
“Our studies have found that while some of their shells look pretty cool, clams really don’t have anything to teach us,” said the organization’s chief scientist, Francis Dawkins, clarifying that it wasn’t simply the case that researchers had already learned everything they could from clams, but rather that there had never been anything to learn from them and never would be.
Oh I don’t know a Francis Dawkins, but I’m sure they know their clams! It is true that their shells can look pretty cool. Bivalves include everything from Hysteroconcha dione, with its beautiful color and spines, to Tridacna gigas, which grows to 4.5 feet and weighs hundreds of pounds! And like an Onion, shells have growth layers, sometimes a new one every day, which someone could use to try to figure out how clams record what they eat and how the environment changes. But why would anyone do that?
Close-up view of a Hysteroconcha bivalve shell, showcasing its intricate ridges and coloration, and rows of long spines near the margin. SourceFor me, I guess I haven’t learned anything from clams. I think I already knew in my heart that clams can live for >500 years. I already knew that mussels can filter several liters of water an hour, meaning that a colony of them can filter hundreds of thousands of liters an hour. All this stuff is obvious, actually. Common sense.
“We certainly can’t teach them anything. It’s not like you can train them to run through a maze the way you would with mice. We’ve tried, and they pretty much just lie there.
It is ludicrous that clams could be taught anything or have anything approaching memory or thinking. It is only coincidence that scallops appear to clap their valves to swim, using their hundreds of eyes to navigate to a new location away from predators or toward food. It’s coincidence that they increase their feeding activity when shown a video of food particles. Some researchers have even claimed that giant clams can tell the difference between different shapes of objects! It is so dumb!
From what I’ve observed, they have a lot more in common with rocks than they do with us. They’re technically alive, I guess, if you want to call that living.
Also literally true! Their shell is a biomineral, in essence a living rock, made of calcium carbonate. They are alive in the sense they have a heart that beats, pushing hemolymph around their body. Their heart rate can increase or decrease with different stressors. Remember though, we always knew this. We didn’t learn it through something like science.
They open and close sometimes, but, I mean, so does a wallet. If you’ve used a wallet, you know more or less all there is to know about clams. Pretty boring.”
I myself have wasted time studying this. I attached sensors to giant clams to monitor their feeding activity. If I had learned anything, it might have been that they change their behavior between day and night, basking in the sun to help their photosynthetic algae in the day, and partially closing at night, with those behaviors changing based on how much chlorophyll is in the water. But remember! I didn’t learn it.
The finding follows a study conducted by marine biologists last summer that concluded clams don’t have much flavor, either, tasting pretty much the same as everything else on a fried seafood platter.
I can’t see how anyone would like to eat a bivalve. Especially not a fresh-caught scallop sauteed in butter or a plate of fried clams in New England. Never try that. Leave it to me!
#Biology #bivalves #clams #humor #invertebrates #marineBiology #oceans #satire #science #TheOnion
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Half Day
I just read that The Onion bought Infowars in a bankruptcy auction. I wonder how we’re supposed to tell one service’s stories from the other. They are nearly identical. I guess The Onion is slightly more realistic? Something like that.
I have a half day scheduled today. My work day ends at 1:00pm, which is 14 minutes from now. I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon that is an hour away from my current location, but the check in time is two hours away. Should I go there and just wait? Should I go there and then drive around aimlessly while listening to an audiobook? I finished Black Crouch’s Dark Matter on the drive to work and started something called The Running Man by some guy named Richard Bachman, or something like that.
Following the nightmare that was the election last week, there has been a debate on the social medias. Everyone is leaving twitter because elon musk is slime. Some are going to threads, but mark zuckerberg is also slime. Others are going to bluesky but the guy who owns bluesky is the guy who sold twitter to musk so at best he’s slime adjacent? I am on both. From the user perspective they are not terribly different from each other. Threads has more people I know, and I seem to be able to get into discussions more easily there. Bluesky just seems smarter over all and less scummy. I am not sure which horse I want to back.
Okay. Time to wrap up a couple of work things and head out for my half day. Here’s hoping there isn’t any lunch time traffic to worry about on my hour drive to the doctor’s appointment.
#bluesky #choices #comedyNewsSites #commute #doctorsAppointment #fakeNewsSites #halfDay #infowarsIsABadJoke #schedule #socialMedia #theonion #threads #twitterAlternatives #work
