#weakendpun — Public Fediverse posts

Paddington showed me his family tree and pointed to his grandparents with pride. "These", he said, "are my forbears." #weakendpun

I’m keen to hear from all parties that might share an interest in forming a mob to defeat vampires. This is a message for all stakeholders. #weakendpun

I’ve just learnt what it cost NASA to bring a single insect safely back to earth after it was part of an experiment on the International Space Station. Exorbitant. #weakendpun

“No, Prime Minister, we said ‘a six-week campaign’, not a sick, weak campaign.”

#weakendpun

If my videos on TikTok go viral, does that make me a social media influenza? #weakendpun

I’m pondering whether to become a member of the Carpenters’ Guild. I don’t know what the benefits are, but, you know me, I’m a joiner. #weakendpun

I heard my horoscope on the radio the other morning and spent the rest of the day craving a bagel, which was uncanny because it had said I’d find myself attracted to a torus. #weakendpun

I've been cast in A Christmas Carol and thought I'd be playing a ghost alongside 'Christmas Past' and 'Christmasses Yet To Come'.

But it turns out being 'Christmas Present' merely involves lying in wrapping paper under a tree.

#weakendpun

My maths teacher tried to explain what happens when you multiply a positive by a negative but I was nonplussed. #weakendpun

I once met a lovely palaeontologist and wanted to start a relationship, but after she’d dated me, she said I was too primitive. #weakendpun

My local supermarket has a singles night. If you need help getting noticed you can ask a checkout assistant. #weakendpun

I just pumped up my car tyres and it cost a pound.

I remember when it was just 20p.

Inflation is getting expensive.
#weakendpun

I bought grain online for my chickens. After it was delivered I got an email asking for feed back. I explained I couldn’t help as I’d already given it to the hens. #weakendpun

I went to a fancy dress party as Harry Potter’s godfather, but I got into an argument with someone who’d come as John McEnroe. #weakendpun

I went to my local stable because I wanted to become a jockey, but my dreams were dashed by a bunch of neigh-sayers.
#weakendpun

Whenever someone mentions meringue with cream and fruit, my mouth starts to water. A Pavlovian reaction, I suppose. #weakendpun

A friend offered to sell me a top of the range stereo for £1. I asked him why it was so cheap and he explained that the volume was stuck on full.

Well, I thought to myself, I can’t turn that down.

#weakendpun

My friend's PlayStation was stolen. I offered him mine, but I just couldn't console him.

#weakendpun

I was doing the laundry the other day and accidentally put the washing machine on the ring cycle.

It was very loud and took nineteen hours.

#weakendpun

I overheard someone saying I was a father figure.

Well, the actual words they used were "dad bod", but I knew what they really meant.

#weakendpun

I overheard someone saying I was a father figure.

Well, the actual words they used were "dad bod", but I knew what they really meant.

#weakendpun

I overhead someone saying I was a father figure.

Well, the actual words they used were "dad bod", but I knew what they really meant.

#weakendpun

Last year I tried Veganuary. But I’m not doing it again this year. I should have realised it’d be a missed steak. #weakendpun

At this time of the year, a time for family, I find myself wondering to what extent the success of Christianity is the result of Jesus’s stable beginnings?

#weakendpun #ChristmasCracker

For a few days every month, my friend gets a craving for candy-coated chocolate buttons.

She calls it her Minstrel Cycle.

#weakendpun

At this time of year, I have a special kitchen utensil for straining vegetables.

I call it my advent colander.

#weakendpun

The other day somebody called me an ugly bunion.

I was deeply upset by their callus name-calling.
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I don’t have many plans for today. I’ve got an appointment at the opticians and then I guess I’ll see. #weakendpun