#deevagina — Public Fediverse posts

Week 8.5 post-op and I guess the updates are going to grind to a halt until the follow-up appointment in December, which may well be the last update under this hashtag.

In the last week I've left the house daily, done walks and picked up groceries, went to the pub last Wednesday and managed to sit for almost 2 hours whilst chatting to friends, went to another pub on Sunday and had a lovely meal out (the first time I've eaten out since surgery).

General energy levels are pretty good, and mostly I'm living a normal life now.

The gotcha is sitting... I can manage about 3 hours on the sofa with a ring cushion, but only about 90 minutes really on hard seats like dining chairs... so if I'm not walking or standing, I'm still reclining / laying down... I am pushing this more, but I also can't push it too hard as it aggravates granulation. I've only 2 and a bit weeks to improve stamina here as then I'm back at work.

The first big change happens this weekend... switching dilation from 3 times per day 2 twice per day. Ofc I need to listen to my body on it's ability to do this... but the thrice daily really keeps me housebound more than necessary, and twice daily (upon waking, before bed) will give me freedom in a significant way.

The girls on the ward and I had a debate about when this moment occurred as the hospital guidance was really ambiguous... "months 0-2 = 3 times daily", but then their guide counted to 12 months before saying "after a year"... so they zero indexed the months and counted to 12 = 13 months... so there was no consensus amongst us to how to count things as somewhere there was 1 too many months in their math... finally the surgeon let us know, 3 times daily goes to 2 times daily 2 months after surgery... and for me, that's this Saturday.

I will celebrate my new found freedom by going to get a lot of blood tests done... as the other thing to bear in mind is I've no testosterone in me any more, and the estrogen will be more effective. So I may need to adjust dosage, but that means knowing my levels.

Nothing else really going on, back to work November 30th, and the joy of not having much of a salary paid into the bank until January 30th will linger through Christmas as I've taken effectively unpaid leave (Statutory Sick Pay is only £125 per week) for October and November, so my November and December pay is not enough to live on and I've been burning savings and will do so for another couple of months. I guess my gift to myself this year was a vagina and a very modest low-spend Winter was always going to be the consequence of that choice.

Somewhere in the World there's a really nice bottle of whiskey with my name on it, that will keep me warm over Christmas.

#deevagina

@sophiesometimes yeah, as my WhatsApp group of "girls from the ward" attests "we all have the same pussy, and the same recovery".

all the "individual recovery will greatly vary"... well it doesn't vary that greatly.

I was heavily misled in advance though, a lack of real expectation setting, I'm sure others had documented enough and it was there for me to find, but I did not find it... I thought I'd be up and bouncing around at 4 weeks, I think 8 weeks is really when that's true.

It does wonders to have the energy tax reduce so much... the hope and joy all rushes in.

#deevagina

Week 7 post-op... and I've turned the corner on recovery.

It's hard to really explain to anyone who has never had a major surgery how every effort in the early recovery has an energy tax associated with it. Initially that tax is so high that doing the smallest thing will send you to bed shivering and cold, exhausted and unable to conceive a thought of doing anything. as time progresses (week 3-4) the tax has reduced but the effect remains much the same. even as recently as weeks 5-6 the tax was still there... I could do things, but would need to rest for a considerable time afterwards.

sometime in the last week the energy tax has been very low and sometimes undetectable such that I feel like I can do things and they won't wipe me out. this is amazing after 6 weeks of mostly being bound to laying on the sofa.

it doesn't mean I'm magically at the end of recovery, I still struggle to stand or sit for long periods, cannot sit on dining chairs (is it the almost 90' angle?)... but I can walk, do stairs, pop to the local High Street, run chores, tidy the flat, even take the trash out... and this is such a big difference. it is borderline "normal".

I am still booked off sick for another 4 weeks, and now I've turned the corner and things are meaningfully better as I have energy, I need to use these 4 weeks to build the energy levels and stamina. I won't push too early too hard, I've got time... but it's really great just having energy.

what else? oh the swelling has visibly reduced in the last few days, that's been nice to see too... it changes my relationship to my body... less a medical zone, and more "that's me" (squeals of delight). there's hypergranulation to deal with too, and the resultant blood and pangs of pain, these don't impact me like they did a few weeks back as having energy also reduces the impact of "the horrors" of recovery.

the difference to mental health from week 5 and "gotta endure this" to now is stunning. I am so full of hope and now am dreaming of the things I want to do in a month or so... long walks in Hampstead Heath, and taking the camera out to snap the crows. surprising L by seeing her more. going to Bristol to play board games and hang out with H. and dinner at Zedel with F.

#deevagina

How do people store dilators and their dilation setup?

I'm really interested in knowing this for folk who travel a lot too.

I assume storage needs to be easy to clean, as smell free as possible, as lint free as possible. Able to take 1-2 dilators, lube, douche, wet wipes.

Best ideas I've currently got is a neoprene sex toy bag, or to prevent lube / wet wipes being squished during travel / flights a 3D printed mini flight case to go inside a suitcase.

#trans #deevagina

Week 5.5 after GRS surgery... And we've entered the "feeling sorry for myself" phase.

In week 1 and 2 you expect it to be hard, week 3 gives you some great days and a few bad, week 4 is a rollercoaster... But recovery is a long game, an initial 3 month period of having dilation schedule, and good and bad days.

Every good day gives you hope, every bad day shatters the hope. And as the weeks pass I've found the greatest battle isn't eating, resting, pacing, dilating... It's keeping the mental health stable and healthy despite the knock-backs.

Physically I'm doing well, the stitches have healed, there's minor dehiscence (reminder to never Google this and never look at images), I'm still hitting depth, it doesn't hurt. Sure there are days when there's blood, but no real pain as it's just the dehiscence doing it's healing thing.

What there is, is distress and frustration. When you have a good day, a great day, a 1 mile walk (done slowly), and hanging out with a friend... The spirit is lifted so high... The hope feels like a reality "normality is returning, it's all good". Then the next day wipes you out and the blood returns after being clean for a few days, and the shattering of hope bring me back down to earth.

It's an endurance game, and I've re-read my earlier posts and see the want and need for the surgery, I see my relief and joy... But being laid to waste really gets to you at some point and it's hard. 5.5 weeks in to the initial 12 weeks... The mind is active and wants to do things, and the body prevents everything.

Before surgery I'd struggled with finding accounts of recovery... Now I know why. No one really writes the daily grind of this. You just have to endure it and focus on what it will be like in a few months and beyond, and you can't predict each day, maybe it's good maybe it's bad. The good ones we want to bank, the bad ones can we just get past and hope we don't get 2 in a row.

I cannot wait to feel healthy again. I cannot wait to drive my car to the country and do a walk in some woods. Can't wait to surprise my friends with visits. Can't wait to regain my focus and finish soldering those little projects (hah, surgery is no excuse for this!).

Love you all 💜 this post written whilst feeling good (and dilating), but I wanted to capture the monotony of these days in the middle of the first 3 months.

#deevagina

Someone close described October as "Locktober but enforced by Dr Rashid" and I'm dead at this.

#deevagina

Day 25 post op, recovery is not linear.

I've been totally wiped out today, in pain and exhausted. Spent the day mostly in bed and when trying to move and to do things I've felt faint.

The only time I've been active was to go get a blood test done, and I couldn't even make the 15 minutes walk so had to Uber each way.

I can say that being misgendered by an Uber driver hurts so much more when you're in a cute skirt, nice earrings, cute top, and you have a vagina.

Am going to sleep some more. Should really eat but haven't the energy to make anything.

I don't think I've really said, but 90% of the time I'm alone, and it's hard to always meet my needs when the exhaustion hits. But I know it'll be fine tomorrow.

#deevagina

Dilation is boring

#deevagina #punny

@RinaVolpina my experience so far and expectations going forward...

Week 1 is hell but you have so so much support from the hospital.
Week 2 is tough.
Week 3 is approaching normal.

From here, tedious is too hard a take. I'm listening to audio books, watching films, relaxing.

Dilation becomes very routine, clean, easy... You just have to stop everything and make time for it.

First 3 months is 3 times per day, next 3 months is 2 times per day (you can live a normal life at this point), after 6 months you're down to daily, after 9 months it's alternate days, and beyond a year it's weekly.

It becomes so... Boring, routine... Very quickly.

#deevagina

On dilators, they start us on P2 https://www.soulsource.com/products/soul-source-grs-pelvic-trainers-size-p2 which is 25mm diameter.

The key is depth, not girth.

You can train and stretch for girth any time... But depth can only be maintained in the 3-6 months post surgery.

After a month, so next week for me, I mix in size 1 https://www.soulsource.com/products/soul-source-grs-pelvic-trainers-size-1

Same depth, but 29mm diameter.

It'll be 5 minutes of the smaller, 15 minutes of the larger... Timer only begins at depth ofc.

Over time, as in many months, you see how your body goes and you can gradually progress up the sizes. Size 4 is 38mm diameter. Progressing up the sizes is only ever 2 dilators per session... so you have to comfortably start on the larger from the last session before you can move to the next larger.

None of these diameters relate to the human penis, that's malleable and will yield a little... The dilators yield nothing, they are stretching you. General rule of thumb then is that if I wanted a dick in me, that the dick can be larger than the dilator and it would work... Same for soft silicon dildos, etc.

Truly though, sex is not on my mind. I just want a normal as possible vagina... Simple as that. I've no idea how I'll use it, but I didn't undergo all of this for sex, I did it because it's who I've always been and now my body aligns to that and it makes me so happy... And I can wear leggings and go swimming in bikinis, and use a changing room without feeling totally nervous about it.

#deevagina

Day 24 post-op and a rhythm takes over.

Dilation is 3 times per day. To dilate is to insert a medical grade hard dildo into the vagina and stretch it. The dildo has depth markers, and you apply constant pressure throughout dilation (not pressure to hold the depth, but pressure to find more depth, it doesn't hurt but you do feel it constantly), when you can get no more depth you start a 20 minute timer, and this is usually after 5-10 minutes of beginning. But if during the 20 minutes you look and see you have more depth... The timer is reset, start over. So a dilation session can vary from 30 minutes (best case) to an hour or more... My average is around 45 minutes per session. But factor in prep and cleanup and I'm spending 3-4 hours a day dilating.

Rule of thumb is to evenly distribute these... Not too close together, not too far apart, so you can guess what I'm doing at 07:00, 15:30, 22:00.

How's everything else? Last of surgical tape fell off today. We can't wash the area with soap or any kind, it's just a case of letting water run over it. The yellow bruises across the body are gone. The purple bruising has reduced. The swelling is virtually gone. The labia have reduced from their initial massive size to a very normal size. All stitches held, the scar is healing very cleanly.

Healing is about as good as it gets tbh, especially given my drama a week or so ago.

Energy levels pretty good, I have colour in my cheeks and I can be almost normal now. Can't walk far, can't sit up straight, so still mostly reclined or lying down as it's comfortable, but household chores are no longer impossible.

The biggest impact to leaving the house and doing things is the bladder. Still peeing every 90-120 minutes. This isn't purely the small bladder post-catheter, in my case I obvs aggravated the urethra and generally the body is just demanding I pee often. This was not factored into my expectations pre-surgery, I thought dilation was the big thing, but that can be planned around, peeing is a constant 😂

I have the Lego Rivendell set on the way, have had so many wonderful visitors. And my cats sleep on me at night.

Things are going great.

#deevagina

Day 19 after surgery...

Hehehe... I'm a virgin now 🎉

All my sins are washed away, and can be discovered again.

#deevagina

Day 15... I've been quiet, there was an issue, I'm ok, it's been resolved without side effects. I'll share that tomorrow when I find the words.

But ignoring that future update...

What songs would you put on a dilation mixtape?

First suggestion from Donna:

Jamiroquai - Deeper Underground

#deevagina

I'm getting good at the meds and won't forget them now

#deevagina

Day 8 and constipation is not nice, lactulose to the rescue.

Am seeing a pattern now, mornings are difficult, first dilation exhausting, but an hour after breakfast and meds I can face the world and feel able to cope with moving without it draining my energy.

My afternoon is the best, I'm alert, witty, my attention span can do movies, music and literature.

Evenings I start to fade around 8pm, my last dilation is at 10pm... I've taken to napping and then waking to pee and dilate.

Despite all the painkillers sometimes there's a lot of pain that gets through, I think this morning it was the effect of constipation pushing against bruised and tender other areas.

I get through a lot of maternity pads, dark rust coloured discharge... It doesn't hurt to pee, I'm not having a lot of bleeding, but I'm being extra careful to not get infections.

I am sleeping, this is a really good thing, aside from needing to pee a few times in the night I go straight back to sleep.

What else? The hospital gave me a letter with the 10 weeks sick note in the text, but it has so many details about the surgery, line item identified parts of the surgery itself, and then all the medications... That damn, there's no way I'm giving this to work without heavy redaction.

Day 8, all is well 😂

#deevagina

my shopping list for what I needed... this one is a lot clearer than most I've seen which were just "buy optilube" but didn't say how much.

examination gloves (you will use 1 per dilation, nothing touches your neovagina without being sterile and clean)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07T8TR863

lube (optilube, you will use 7-10g per dilation so budget 30g per day, the 82g or 113g tube)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07F73C48B

medical grade manuka honey (if you get exposed wound area, this will protect and soothe)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01JGZEP96

kitchen towels + holder (just keep these close)

wet wipes (you will use a few per dilation as the best thing to clean the dilatior immediately after use and before you wash the dilator) - local pharmacy

puppy training pads (you will use 1 per dilation, 3 per day)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0842DWCJK

maternity pads (you will replace these every 90 minutes - when you pee, so about 10 per day - you can buy cheaper than I bought, in fact do)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07LBLQSWP

ibuprofen 200mg tablets (you will use 6 per day, 2 three times per day) - local pharmacy

paracetomol 500mg tablets (you will use 8 per day, 2 four times per day) - local pharmacy

lactulose (you will use 10ml per day for the first week or two at home and then as needed - this is to help against constipation so you don't push, you do not want to push early in recovery)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0GTK7Z3XZ

ring cushion (helpful to have two, don't buy a cheap one)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0C5Y2J2HZ

a good water bottle (you will need to drink lots, sipping bottles that contain a lot are good)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0C59BYVTQ

a medication box (you will have medications 4 times per day initially, if you forget pain or swelling may come, the box helps you not forget)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09TFJCMBV

bed table (I found this necessary as I was so bruised I use it as a protective shield against anything being placed on me that might hurt, and also to prevent cats walking over me in my sleep)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B085XHTKTS

#deevagina

Some difficult logistics: my partner is amazing, but her job is in another city during the week. This is the big challenge. It's hard on her too as she wants to be the carer, but she was at risk of redundancy so recently that she has to be at work, all the time worrying how I am.

Paid leave to be a carer for immediate family should be a thing in these circumstances. It's temporary but essential.

But then, my sick pay is only £125 per week which is a joke, so most of my recovery is vacation time I saved up knowing I was going to have this surgery.

God forbid you were poor and had a heart attack and resultant surgery... The safety net barely exists and would not catch you.

#deevagina #ukpol

Day 7, I am home.

I've been surprised how utterly exhausted I am. I must've been fighting all last week and now in the comfort and safety of home the exhaustion hits. It's both physical and emotional, i was more mobile at the hospital, here the smallest effort wipes me out and I go back to lying down to rest... To rest from getting some water, or going to the loo, or dilating.

It's really nice being home, but I am shattered.

I have a professional carer, she's lovely. I've shown her the extent of bruising and the surgery area itself, she's helping me by feeding me and keeping on top of housework. Somewhere between a nurse and a maid. But today she leaves at noon and will return tomorrow at 9am.

I've asked our catsitter to come in later as I can't bend to feed them.

Everything is a challenge.

The solace is music... I love how ridiculously good my stereo is, and it's on, and I'm enjoying it, it removes loneliness and provides life. Music has always been my comfort in life, it's going to help here too.

#deevagina

Day 6, I am going home.

I feel nervous about this, due to losing the support of nurses and staff who shepherd you to this point. From now I'll be on my own, a lot of the time literally.

My body is black and blue, or rather the bruises from thighs, hips and waist have matured. The color are yellow all over, patches of deep purple. I am very tender. The swelling has mostly gone down, well it's less extreme, and as I'm returning to normality I just feel a little sorry for myself.

I was warned of this by Dr Rashid and even the other girls who have already left. We all get post surgery blues and perhaps an anxiety attack or three. So this is to be ridden out, it's not a real thing, I've been through a lot, this is just some of the emotional and physical things catching up.

I will be kind to myself and take it easy when I get home ❤️

#deevagina

... And then you pee down your ass

#deevagina

I have dilated, took a few seconds to reach the 5th marker, my reign as a size queen can continue.

No one can tell you how good it is to have showered after a week like this, clean hair is a dream, fresh clothes are wonderful, it's heavenly.

Now listening to Reward by Teardrop Explodes on the radio, it's going to be a good day 🥰

#deevagina