#cooklife — Public Fediverse posts

I struggle a lot with confidence or accepting accomplishment. I had a sous chef when I was starting out that repetively called me worthless. Told me this world would be better off without me. That I would never succeed. I remember cutting onions on a friday night after I'd already been working for 12 hours where he kept trashing my onions because they weren't to his standards.

I have had many sous chefs since. I've been a sous chef. I still had nightmares about this man. In my chef community MANY people admitted to having nightmares about this man. I am now the head cook of a famous restaurant on a continent where a cook is much higher expectation than a cook in the US.

I'm not saying that the US has no Culinary. More that what a cook in the US is can also mean what an Aushilfe or a Beikoch here is. A know-nothing. And with that ability. That worthless ability I have, as the head cook of this restaurant, held on to the top 3 most popular restaurants in our area and boosted our profits through the roof.

Still I have this nagging thought, just like this sous chef told me, and it's not just his fault but it sits there. "Why can't you cut onions, Taylor?", "You're worthless, Taylor", "Oh you're stressed, welcome to your first monday" "Oh you're proud, you think you did good? We can hang that on the fridge next to your termination letter". This lack of confidence, this self-hate that stems from so many places, in the voice and tone of my first chef remains.

Contradictory to evidence, on another continent, where I outcompeted people from culinary school, out competed german nationals, out competed the idea that all Americans ever make is Mcdonalds. And still this doubt remains. I'm not really asking anything. Just venting that I wish that self-hate, self-doubt and that sous-chef a very merry fuck you.

#culinary #cooklife #selfdoubt #progress