#braaaains — Public Fediverse posts

Fitness has always been a center-point of my life, a magnet which brought together the vastness of inner worlds and anchored them to the physical form. I could never desire a life without those abilities: climbing ice and rock, backcountry telemark, riding and racing, or simply exploring the beauty of nature.

Then, perhaps I pushed too hard for too long, or perhaps the multitude of medical experiments wasn't always a great idea. Nevertheless, I was doing what felt correct during those so very many years.

Here's a few photos from that last era, the months of 10% body fat, of deltoid striations and viciously vascular definition. Rowing crew for two to three hours per day, six days per week, boosted like a racehorse that never wants to stop.

Looking back with analytical eyes, as perhaps a more informed observer, now knowing the very same month which transpired these photos — was the very same month this brain decided a tumour should begin to grow. It never stopped growing, changing, affecting everything. The vascular muscles atrophied, resumed their softness, and body fat gradually doubled. No more race-pace, no more endorphins, no more no more.

That same month was the last time I rowed, the last time that magnet was able to hold it all together.

#fitness #gym #endorphins #physique #womenshealth #medical #existentialism #tumour #braaaains