#spiritualstruggle — Public Fediverse posts

Lockjaw

peacegroover@deviantart

I need to lose this bulldog mentality,
this eternal case of lockjaw.

There is nothing wrong with tenacity,
but so much of what I hold onto leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

It trickles down my throat like arsenic,
sickening my soul,
and oozes out of my pores onto those closest to me.

Anger is the byproduct,
a loathing of self then spilled upon others,
toxicity.

Release.
Balm for sore jaws.
Something else to chew on.
Grace?

September 12, 2014

#Anger #bitterness #bulldogMentality #darkReflection #eerie #emotionalHealing #Grace #hauntingImage #innerConflict #jawTension #LettingGo #lockjaw #Mercy #photoIllustration #POETICAORAREContemplativePoetryPrayers #psychologicalDepth #release #selfLoathing #soul #spiritualStruggle #strange #stubbornness #surreal #surrender #Tenacity #toxicity #Transformation #Worry #Writing

The Prison of Me

I have become who I do not wish to be.
Upon waking this morning I could not find me.
Instead a stranger had taken up residence
beneath machine gun towers on a razor wire fence.

Somehow while I slept a prisoner I became,
captured naked  and exposed, a number for my name.
The cumulative refuse of years like a disease
had suddenly overwhelmed my inner faculties.

The circles I ran in turned around again,
enclosing me in my own hoary skin.
In what putrid lab had this creature taken shape 
who now inhabited a body with no escape?

But I must confess that these bars were of my own making.
My subtle declination left me ripe for the taking.
And so in this prison I will forever be
until I learn to love the me that most frightens me.

August 26, 2014

#darkFantasy #emotionalHealing #fantasyArt #fearAndLonging #Identity #imprisonment #innerStruggle #introspection #Love #mentalLandscape #poeticIllustration #POETICAORAREContemplativePoetryPrayers #psychologicalArt #selfAcceptance #selfAlienation #SelfDiscovery #shadowSelf #spiritualStruggle #surrealism #Transformation #visualPoetry #weirdArt #Writing

Insomnia Ad Nauseum

here i am 
again
losing sleep
worry my
companion
reading 
news of
tragedy 
in a vain
attempt 
to grow so 
exhausted
that i 
drop off
when 
prayer
should be 
my only 
friend

August 17, 2015

#Anxiety #ChristianPoetry #doomscrolling #faithAndFear #GlassPlatePhotography #gothicPoetry #Insomnia #Love #mentalExhaustion #nighttimeReflection #POETICAORAREContemplativePoetryPrayers #Prayer #religiousArt #sleeplessness #spiritualStruggle #tragicNews #Trust #Worry

Worry Wart

The troubles of this passing day
weigh heavy on my head,
until I join the hollow-eyed,
the weary walking dead;
I stumble through the crumbling streets
where nameless fears are bred,
consumed by temoral things
and this mortal dread.

O, that this wart of worry
might be lifted from my head,
this small, persistent torment
on which my fears are fed;
that I might cease rehearsing
each bitter word unsaid,
and stop imagining sorrows
still waiting up ahead.

O, let me quit resisting
the road where I am led,
and trust the ground beneath me
though shadows o'er me spread,
for life is more than trembling
before the things I dread—
perhaps the path I fear to walk
leads to trust instead.

August 8, 2015 (exp. 2026)

#Anxiety #burdens #ChristianPoetry #ContemplativePoetry #dailyTroubles #faithAndDoubt #Fear #Hope #innerTurmoil #LettingGo #mortalDread #PeaceOfMind #poeticReflection #SpiritualPoetry #spiritualStruggle #surrender #thePathAhead #Trust #walkingDead #WordPressTagsWorry #Worry #Writing

Restlessness

A Monday Monday Song

I’ve been thinking lately about what I need.
There’s so much wrapped up in me.
I’m tired of being split in two.
Has the dye been caste or can
I melt into someone new?

I need to simplify find some order to this mess
but there’s no cure for my restlessness.

The taste of my life is bittersweet
like this wine-soaked rag they force on me.
I’m caught between earth and sky
I can’t connect to either.
Eloi. Eloi. Why?

I need to simplify find some order to this mess
but there’s no cure for my restlessness.

It seems I am always cleaning my temple.
I’m always cleaning house,
trying to throw the money hangers out . . .

An Iaonus Production 8.26.24

Lyrics August, 19, 1996

#1996 #bittersweet #ChristianMusic #contemplativeMusic #earthAndSky #EloiEloi #faithAndDoubt #innerDivision #innerTemple #JesusImagery #longing #lyrics #moneyChangers #Music #orderFromChaos #originalSong #renewal #Repentance #restlessness #sacredSymbolism #simplify #SongLyrics #Songs #soulWork #spiritualFormation #spiritualStruggle #splitInTwo #surrender #TempleCleansing #Transformation #Wilderness #WordPressTagsSpiritualSong

When Heaven Feels Silent

A raw reflection on depression, silence from heaven, and searching for hope when faith feels exhausted. Sometimes the smallest whisper toward God is still an act of faith.

https://polymathchristian.wordpress.com/2026/05/09/when-heaven-feels-silent/

When Even Heaven Feels Silent

There are nights when faith feels like trying to light a candle in the rain. Not because you stopped believing once. Not because you never prayed. But because life kept swinging the hammer long after the metal should have broken. People talk about losing hope like it arrives all at once, some dramatic collapse with thunder and shattered glass. But most of the time it happens quietly. Like paint fading from an old photograph. One disappointment at a time. One betrayal at a time. One […]

https://polymathchristian.wordpress.com/2026/05/08/when-even-heaven-feels-silent/

Fighting From a Place of Exhaustion

When Is Enough Enough?

This morning, I woke up carrying more than I wanted to.

Yesterday, after another back procedure, the doctor sat with me and began talking about what comes next.

Not the next step I wanted.

Not the next step I prayed for.

The next step they offer when everything else has failed.

A procedure they once only used for cancer patients, but now use for people living with chronic pain. A tube leading directly to my spine. Medication delivered into my body for the rest of my life. Appointments every few months to refill it. Another thing to manage. Another thing to carry.

And as I lay here this morning, trying to process all of that, I found myself asking God a question I never wanted to ask.

Not “Why me?”

But “When is enough enough?”

Because the truth is, the old me—even the me from just yesterday morning—would have immediately gone into survival mode.

“Okay. What do we need to do?”
“Let’s make a plan.”
“Let’s prepare.”
“Let’s figure this out.”

But where God has me now is different.

This morning, all I could say was:

“God, what are You telling me?”

Because I do not just need a plan.

I need Him.

And if I am honest, I am struggling.

Because I keep thinking about the promises I thought God gave me.

I thought healing was coming.

And now I find myself questioning what healing was ever supposed to mean.

Did God promise me a life without pain?

Or did He promise that He would never leave me nor forsake me?

Because there are people doing the work of God from wheelchairs.

There are people still ministering while grieving.
Still loving while hurting.
Still believing while living with things they begged God to take away.

I think about the woman we are helping who is homeless, and yet somehow still full of faith.

And I ask myself:

Do I have to become one of those people?

Do I have to spend the rest of my life in pain to prove my love for God?

Do I have to keep surviving instead of living?

Because that is what this really comes down to.

I am tired of feeling like I have to fight so hard for every little piece of joy.

I am tired of feeling like every good thing comes with a battle attached to it.

I am tired of wondering when I finally get to exhale.

When do I get to live from a place of peace instead of pressure?

When do I get to wake up and not immediately feel like I am carrying something?

When do I stop feeling like happiness is always just out of reach?

And maybe those are not the “church answers.”

Maybe those are not the neat, polished things we are supposed to say.

But they are true.

And this morning, I think God is asking me for truth more than performance.

Because maybe faith is not pretending I am okay.

Maybe faith is telling the truth about how hard this is.

Maybe faith is being brave enough to say:

“God, I do not know what to do next.”

Because this morning, I do not.

I do not know what decision I will make.

I do not know what healing will look like.

I do not know what my future body will require from me.

I do not know why some prayers seem to take so long.

But I do know this:

I am still here.

I am still talking to God.

I am still listening.

And even in all of this, I still believe that He is with me.

The truth is, this morning I do not feel strong.

I feel like a little girl again.

Like the part of me that just wants somebody to say, “It is going to be okay.”

And maybe that is what I need to let God do.

Not give me all the answers.

Not show me the whole future.

Just sit with me here.

Hold me here.

Love me here.

Because maybe being held by God is enough for today.

Maybe I do not have to solve the rest of my life this morning.

Maybe I only have to trust God with today.

So this morning, that is where I am.

Not giving up.
Not walking away.
Just being honest.

I do not have all the answers.

I just have God.

And maybe this morning, that is enough.

What do you do when life is not turning out the way you hoped—and you still have to decide how to keep going?