#satirenews — Public Fediverse posts

Ghislaine Maxwell Denied Service Dog Lessons, Canine Camp Too Elite

#GhislaineMaxwell #PrisonProblems #DogGoneIt #SatireNews #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com Scandal hit the pooch world at Alderson ‘Camp Cupcake’ Correctional Facility this Tuesday, after infamous socialite Ghislaine Maxwell was “uninvited” from the prison’s much-coveted Service Dog Training Program. Sources say it’s the first time in U.S. penal history that someone was deemed a “bad influence” on the…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/08/07/ghislaine-maxwell-denied-service-dog-lessons-canine-camp-too-elite/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

RFK Jr. Single-Handedly Drains $500M Vaccine Fund, Claims Plot Thickens

#RFKJr #VaccineDrama #FundingFrenzy #SatireNews #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com **RFK Jr. Pulls $500 Million in Funding for Vaccine Development, Sends Researchers a "Get Well Soon" Card Instead** In an unexpected twist that left the medical community both underfunded and scratching their bandaged heads, independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has reportedly withdrawn $500…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/08/05/rfk-jr-single-handedly-drains-500m-vaccine-fund-claims-plot-thickens/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

Rwanda Signs Deal to Become America’s New Favorite Migrant Pit Stop

#Migrants #RwandaDeal #USPolitics #SatireNews #WorldPolitics By: TheJestPress.com **Rwanda Strikes Exclusive US Deal To Accept 250 Migrants, Asks If They Can Also Get Netflix Password** In a bold and innovative move sure to shake up the global Migration Olympics, Rwanda announced this week that it has agreed to take up to 250 migrants from the United States—roughly the same number of people waiting in…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/08/04/rwanda-signs-deal-to-become-americas-new-favorite-migrant-pit-stop/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

Bacteria Outsmart Humans Making Plastic Stronger Than Your Ex’s Excuses

#EcoPlastic #BacteriaBreakthrough #MetalMayhem #GreenRevolution #SatireNews By: TheJestPress.com **Scientists Terrified as Bacteria Produce Plastic Tough Enough to Replace Your Car** In yet another blow to the self-esteem of average humans everywhere, scientists announced today that bacteria have developed a new type of bioplastic with mechanical properties strong enough to rival metals, glass,…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/08/03/bacteria-outsmart-humans-making-plastic-stronger-than-your-exs-excuses/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

Paula Deen’s Kitchens Close, Butter Shortage Blamed for Crisis

#PaulaDeen #SavannahEats #ButterEmergency #SouthernCooking #SatireNews By: TheJestPress.com SAVANNAH, GA – In a stunning turn of events that sent shockwaves through the bacon-wrapped, deep-fried corridors of southern cuisine, celebrity chef and butter enthusiast Paula Deen announced this week the permanent closure of her iconic Savannah restaurants. Deen, whose eateries have long been hailed as the…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/08/01/paula-deens-kitchens-close-butter-shortage-blamed-for-crisis/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

Trump’s New Tariff Targets Thailand and Cambodia, Peace Deals Not Included

#TrumpTariff #InternationalRelations #PeaceDealProblems #SatireNews #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com In a move that no one—except maybe him—saw coming, former President Donald Trump announced a 19% tariff on all goods from Thailand and Cambodia, just hours after the two Southeast Asian nations signed a historic peace treaty ending centuries of mild awkwardness and competitive street food…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/07/31/trumps-new-tariff-targets-thailand-and-cambodia-peace-deals-not-included/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

Ukraine’s Air Force Major Caught Selling Secrets, Still Claims It’s Just Friendly Chit-Chat

#UkraineSpyScandal #AirForceFollies #EspionageFails #SatireNews #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com In perhaps the most unintentionally ironic moment of the week, Ukraine has announced the arrest of an Air Force major caught allegedly moonlighting as a Russian spy—a career move apparently inspired by classic board game “Risk” and all seven seasons of “Game of Thrones.” The…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/07/30/ukraines-air-force-major-caught-selling-secrets-still-claims-its-just-friendly-chit-chat/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

Gunman’s Elevator Error Leads To NYC Tragedy, NFL Offices Escape Unscathed

#NFLMixUp #ElevatorFail #SatireNews #NYCStories #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com In what can only be described as the most poorly executed “mission” since the Jets’ last playoff appearance, Mayor Eric Adams announced today that the gunman responsible for the tragic shooting at a Manhattan building was actually targeting NFL offices—but fate, and a spectacular lack of elevator etiquette,…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/07/29/gunmans-elevator-error-leads-to-nyc-tragedy-nfl-offices-escape-unscathed/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

Russian Markets Dive Billion Dollars After Trump’s Surprise Ukraine Peace Speedrun

#TrumpDiplomacy #RussianMarkets #PeaceDealPanic #SatireNews #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com In a shocking move that has both economists and political analysts scrambling for their calculators, Russian stock markets nosedived by $1.4 billion Wednesday after former US President Donald Trump unexpectedly declared he was moving up his own, completely unofficial Ukraine peace deal…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/07/28/russian-markets-dive-billion-dollars-after-trumps-surprise-ukraine-peace-speedrun/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

RFK Jr. Declares War on Woke Cancer Panels, Scrubs Prevention Advice

#RFKJr #WokeCancerPanel #SatireNews #HealthReform #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com **RFK Jr. Vows to Oust Woke Advisory Panel, Demands Cancer Screenings Be Unbiased, Preferably by Psychic** In a groundbreaking move that promises to reshape America’s approach to preventive health, presidential hopeful Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced plans to oust the “woke” advisory panel currently overseeing the…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/07/27/rfk-jr-declares-war-on-woke-cancer-panels-scrubs-prevention-advice/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

Government Finally Finds Extra Money for Blood Victims, Shocker Ensues

#InfectedBlood #CompensationCelebration #SatireNews #HealthScandal #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com In a stunning display of belated generosity, UK officials announced this week that "significantly more" infected blood victims will finally receive compensation, after only a few decades and the occasional strongly worded newspaper headline. Government spokespeople, gathering in a room still faintly…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/07/25/government-finally-finds-extra-money-for-blood-victims-shocker-ensues/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

Zelenskyy Reports Russian Summer Plans Got Lost in Translation, Missing Targets

#Ukraine #Russia #SatireNews #MilitaryFails #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com **Zelenskyy: Russian Forces Have Fallen Far Short of Their Command's Expectations for Summer (and Their Beach Bodies, Too)** Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy announced earlier this week that Russian forces have “fallen far short” of their command’s expectations for the summer campaign. According to inside…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/07/13/zelenskyy-reports-russian-summer-plans-got-lost-in-translation-missing-targets/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

Zelenskyy Reports Russian Summer Plans Got Lost in Translation, Missing Targets

#Ukraine #Russia #SatireNews #MilitaryFails #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com **Zelenskyy: Russian Forces Have Fallen Far Short of Their Command's Expectations for Summer (and Their Beach Bodies, Too)** Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy announced earlier this week that Russian forces have “fallen far short” of their command’s expectations for the summer campaign. According to inside…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/07/13/zelenskyy-reports-russian-summer-plans-got-lost-in-translation-missing-targets/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

Zelenskyy Reports Russian Summer Plans Got Lost in Translation, Missing Targets

#Ukraine #Russia #SatireNews #MilitaryFails #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com **Zelenskyy: Russian Forces Have Fallen Far Short of Their Command's Expectations for Summer (and Their Beach Bodies, Too)** Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy announced earlier this week that Russian forces have “fallen far short” of their command’s expectations for the summer campaign. According to inside…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/07/13/zelenskyy-reports-russian-summer-plans-got-lost-in-translation-missing-targets/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

Zelenskyy Reports Russian Summer Plans Got Lost in Translation, Missing Targets

#Ukraine #Russia #SatireNews #MilitaryFails #TheJestPress By: TheJestPress.com **Zelenskyy: Russian Forces Have Fallen Far Short of Their Command's Expectations for Summer (and Their Beach Bodies, Too)** Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy announced earlier this week that Russian forces have “fallen far short” of their command’s expectations for the summer campaign. According to inside…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/07/13/zelenskyy-reports-russian-summer-plans-got-lost-in-translation-missing-targets/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

Young Americans Diagnosed With Chronic Election Fatigue Syndrome Ahead of 2024

#ElectionFatigue #2024Meltdown #NewsOverload #TherapyForAll #SatireNews **New Research Reveals 2024 Election Emotionally Aged Young Americans by 37 Years** By: TheJestPress.com A groundbreaking study released this week confirmed what everyone’s therapist already knew: the 2024 U.S. presidential election has left young Americans emotionally resembling the cast of “Golden Girls”—if they all…

http://thejestpress.com/2025/07/13/young-americans-diagnosed-with-chronic-election-fatigue-syndrome-ahead-of-2024/?utm_source=mastodon&utm_medium=jetpack_social

Trump Replaces Public Schools with ‘The Apprentice: Kid Edition #donaldtrump #EducationCuts #PublicSchools #SatireNews #TrumpEducationBudget #TrumpPolicies https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/trump-replaces-public-schools-with-the-apprentice-kid-edition/?feed_id=15251&_unique_id=67c09b2ec79eb

Trump’s Gold Card Citizenship: Nothing Says America Like paying #CitizenshipForSale #donaldtrump #PoliticalSatire #SatireNews #TrumpGoldCard https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/trumps-gold-card-citizenship-nothing-says-america-like-paying/?feed_id=15125&_unique_id=67bf537e1547a

Oarfish Sparks Doomsday Panic, But Officials Insist It's Just an ‘Ugly Dolphin #BajaCaliforniaSurbeach #DoomsdayPrediction #GovernmentFails #Humor #mexico #Oarfish #Satire #SatireNews #WeirdNews https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/oarfish-sparks-panic-officials-insist-its-just-a-ugly-dolphin/?feed_id=14775&_unique_id=67b760261eb08

Oarfish Sparks Doomsday Panic, But Officials Insist It's Just an ‘Ugly Dolphin #BajaCaliforniaSurbeach #DoomsdayPrediction #GovernmentFails #Humor #mexico #Oarfish #Satire #SatireNews #WeirdNews https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/oarfish-sparks-panic-officials-insist-its-just-a-ugly-dolphin/?feed_id=14775&_unique_id=67b760261eb08

Oarfish Sparks Doomsday Panic, But Officials Insist It's Just an ‘Ugly Dolphin #BajaCaliforniaSurbeach #DoomsdayPrediction #GovernmentFails #Humor #mexico #Oarfish #Satire #SatireNews #WeirdNews https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/oarfish-sparks-panic-officials-insist-its-just-a-ugly-dolphin/?feed_id=14775&_unique_id=67b760261eb08

Oarfish Sparks Doomsday Panic, But Officials Insist It's Just an ‘Ugly Dolphin #BajaCaliforniaSurbeach #DoomsdayPrediction #GovernmentFails #Humor #mexico #Oarfish #Satire #SatireNews #WeirdNews https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/oarfish-sparks-panic-officials-insist-its-just-a-ugly-dolphin/?feed_id=14775&_unique_id=67b760261eb08

Johnny Depp just dropped the mic on Trump! 🎤💥

#DonaldTrump #Trump #JohnnyDepp #Depp #Politics #Election #election2024 #Satire #PoliticalHumor #Comedy
#ComedyGold #Funny #Hilarity #Hilarious #Humor #Humour #EpicRoast #EpicShowdown #TruthBombs #ViralVideo
#BratAlert #BratLife #CaptainOfReality #democracy #NoMoreWalls #PirateOfTheTruth #PowerDynamics #PowerPlay #Putin #Quote #TajMahalDreams
#TrumpJokes #DeppVsTrump #SatireNews #ComedyNews #ElectionHumor #TrumpHumor #PoliticsSatire #FakeNews

Johnny Depp just dropped the mic on Trump! 🎤💥

#DonaldTrump #Trump #JohnnyDepp #Depp #Politics #Election #election2024 #Satire #PoliticalHumor #Comedy
#ComedyGold #Funny #Hilarity #Hilarious #Humor #Humour #EpicRoast #EpicShowdown #TruthBombs #ViralVideo
#BratAlert #BratLife #CaptainOfReality #democracy #NoMoreWalls #PirateOfTheTruth #PowerDynamics #PowerPlay #Putin #Quote #TajMahalDreams
#TrumpJokes #DeppVsTrump #SatireNews #ComedyNews #ElectionHumor #TrumpHumor #PoliticsSatire #FakeNews

Johnny Depp just dropped the mic on Trump! 🎤💥

#DonaldTrump #Trump #JohnnyDepp #Depp #Politics #Election #election2024 #Satire #PoliticalHumor #Comedy
#ComedyGold #Funny #Hilarity #Hilarious #Humor #Humour #EpicRoast #EpicShowdown #TruthBombs #ViralVideo
#BratAlert #BratLife #CaptainOfReality #democracy #NoMoreWalls #PirateOfTheTruth #PowerDynamics #PowerPlay #Putin #Quote #TajMahalDreams
#TrumpJokes #DeppVsTrump #SatireNews #ComedyNews #ElectionHumor #TrumpHumor #PoliticsSatire #FakeNews

Johnny Depp just dropped the mic on Trump! 🎤💥

#DonaldTrump #Trump #JohnnyDepp #Depp #Politics #Election #election2024 #Satire #PoliticalHumor #Comedy
#ComedyGold #Funny #Hilarity #Hilarious #Humor #Humour #EpicRoast #EpicShowdown #TruthBombs #ViralVideo
#BratAlert #BratLife #CaptainOfReality #democracy #NoMoreWalls #PirateOfTheTruth #PowerDynamics #PowerPlay #Putin #Quote #TajMahalDreams
#TrumpJokes #DeppVsTrump #SatireNews #ComedyNews #ElectionHumor #TrumpHumor #PoliticsSatire #FakeNews

Johnny Depp just dropped the mic on Trump! 🎤💥

#DonaldTrump #Trump #JohnnyDepp #Depp #Politics #Election #election2024 #Satire #PoliticalHumor #Comedy
#ComedyGold #Funny #Hilarity #Hilarious #Humor #Humour #EpicRoast #EpicShowdown #TruthBombs #ViralVideo
#BratAlert #BratLife #CaptainOfReality #democracy #NoMoreWalls #PirateOfTheTruth #PowerDynamics #PowerPlay #Putin #Quote #TajMahalDreams
#TrumpJokes #DeppVsTrump #SatireNews #ComedyNews #ElectionHumor #TrumpHumor #PoliticsSatire #FakeNews