Agony Aunt: “Should my husband ditch his teddy bear?” 🧸
Some human males have emotional support teddy bears. These fluffy things help ground the human male in a sense of comfort, ensuring they don’t have a hissy fit and start robbing banks (or something).
Today’s human female is married to such a man bloke. Her husband of many decades has also had a teddy bear of many decades. Is this right? Is this wrong? Is this right and wrong? Or is this merely a sign of a human male unwilling to bear his emotions? Let us explore the psychology factor.
My Husband Has an Emotional Support Teddy Bear
Dear agony aunt,
My name is Lucinda. One has been married to one’s husband since the year of 1968. We married young and at the resplendent wedding ceremony itself one was bemused to find one’s husband, Sebastian, in possession of a teddy bear. Sebastian carried the teddy bear around with him everywhere, including when we said our wedding vows, but ESPECIALLY when he hit the dancefloor that evening, somewhat inebriated, to breakdance his arse off to hits by The Beatles.
Cut to 2026 and Sebastian still has the previously indicated toy. It did not occur to one to raise the matter until this week, for it feels somewhat… wrong. A man of Sebastian’s age should not need his “teddy” nor refer to it as “teddy” nor demand one speak to his “teddy” as it were a sentient being. Yet one has done since 1968. Decades of kowtowing to this childish man’s demands. One feels like it is time to Do A Feminism and CRUSH his teddy bear-based obfuscations.
One tried this last night. Before bed, one took the toy and HURLED the item into the trash outside one’s property. The bin seemed the ideal location for something this grown adult of ageing years no longer needs. However, to one’s surprise Sebastian suffered an immediate emotional breakdown upon learning what one had done. He accused one of being “evil”! One! Evil! Gosh! So, one responded by saying one had merely tossed it into the rubbish where it belong.
Minutes later he was crawling around in the rubbish bin in his pyjamas crying out for “teddy” whilst in floods of many tears. One scoffed at him and slept in the spare room that night.
However, Sebastian now point blank REFUSES to even make eye contact with one, never mind speak to one. The toy got a lot of gunk and other entrails all over it and Sebastian had to get out butler (Giles) to clean the item. He released an official statement to one, through Giles, indicating he shall see one at the weekend for a “a talk” to discuss our marriage. It is apparent he wishes to divorce one over the teddy bear incident.
Did one take things a step too far?!
Yours in horror,
Dame Lucinda Penelope Rupertson VI
Lucinda. You did indeed take things a step too far, you ghastly beast of a woman. And they call you a Dame!? For shame!
A human female must never interfere with a human male’s emotional support teddy bear. This is a known fact written in the stars, written in the Bible, and written in 50 Shades of Gray. It’s written bloody everywhere, yet YOU ignored all the warning signs.
Now you must pay the price…
Whatever your husband says to you at the weekend, you must adhere to his every whim. We should imagine it’ll be something humiliating such as getting down on one knee and pleading for forgiveness to the teddy bear. Do so with wild abandon and incorporate into the mix:
- Hysterics
- Fouling yourself
- Manic braying
This’ll show your husband you’re truly, truly sorry and he’ll welcome you back into the safe, comfortable world of marriage and teddy bears.
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