#imessages — Public Fediverse posts on home.social

Life on the Wicked Stage: Act 3 @[email protected] · 2026-07-03 · 01:07 UTC

The Not Always Serendipitous Bug When Text Messaging With Spouses

I enjoy driving long distances alone. One of the benefits is that it gives me time to catch up on podcasts and audio books, so there’s the bonus. Even though that doesn’t come close to making up for the current high prices of gas or driving through summer road construction.

My wife is in the final weekend of a production of Always Patsy Cline at Hope Summer Repertory about three hours away. This morning I left Chicago before the crack of dawn to avoid the current heat wave baking our glass bubble of a car and pass through the construction zones a little easier. The trip is to catch her last two performances, then pack her up and bring us back home after what will be two months of her being away and me traveling back and forth. We’re theatre folk so we’re used to that home again, away again lifestyle.

Here’s where the serendipity begins. While listening to the post-show portion of The Accidental Tech Podcast episode #698 (I subscribe to the podcast) host Casey Liss brought up an iPhone messaging bug that I’ve encountered for quite some time. One that would pop up again on this trip.

In essence the bug is this.

When his wife texts him on a solitary thread between the two of them, he will not receive a haptic tap on his Apple Watch. He does however receive the “tap-tap” as he calls it, if she is a part of a group thread. Liss’s thinking is that this has something to do with Focus modes. In those of which he runs, he has configured his wife to be able to break through with a haptic notification on his Apple Watch when she texts.

One of his other co-hosts Marco Arment also has the same issue. The third co-host John Siracusa has the problem but in reverse. He doesn’t wear an Apple Watch, but his wife does, and she claims she never gets an Apple Watch notification when he texts either.

I have the exact same problem. Like Liss I also have a specific self-designed haptic touch configured for my wife. I have seen this bug for so long that I’ve just relegated it to another that Apple will never fix. But there is a slight difference, which I’ll get to in a moment.

This morning’s serendipity wasn’t just hearing this issue discussed and getting the satisfying momentary knowledge that if these much more sophisticated tech guys than I can’t figure it out, I’m not crazy and I’m not alone. We’ve all been there in those moments of relief with our own tech frustrations. But the story continues with a bit more zemblanity. (Today’s word search was looking up the opposite of serendipity. Everyday is a good day when you learn something new, and also discover you’re not alone in your tech woes.)

While on this early morning drive, listening to this very section of the podcast, my wife texted me, asking me to stop off at the store when I hit town before heading to her company housing to pick up a few things. I never got the notification of her text on my Apple Watch, and didn’t see the one on my iPhone until after I had reached her residence, stopped the car, and began to unload.

Yup. I had to turn around and go back to the store.

During the ATP discussion of all of this much good natured back and forth was had about one spouse or the other not receiving these text message notifications and the “fun” it can cause in spousal relations when your only and honest answer is “Honey, I didn’t get your text!” Of course the logical next response that never works is “Blame Apple.”

As I mentioned earlier, Liss seems to think this has something to do with Focus modes. He may indeed be correct, but this happens to me whether I am running a Focus mode or not.

I long ago gave up on using Focus modes to any great degree. I just found them too complex to set up, and often not working as I expected. As an example, I no longer allow even the two I do use to flow through my chain of Apple Devices and none are turned on for my Macs. And yet, a Do Not Disturb mode will still launch on my iMac at odd hours on random days. Focus modes in my experience are just too fiddly and in my experience too buggy to be reliable.

The only Focus modes I currently use are the default Do Not Disturb and Sleep modes on the iPhone. I do have my wife, and several family members, set to break through those. Whether I’m running those modes or not, I do not get a “tap-tap” notification on my Apple Watch when my wife texts, unless, like Liss, my wife is part of a family group message thread and then those come through as designed.

During her two month gig, my wife and I have resorted to “don’t text, call” as our way of reaching each other when some level of urgency or import arises. We’ve been through a few dicey family situations during her gig where I have resorted to turning off the Sleep focus at night. Breaking my wife’s habit of always texting first is a challenge in and of itself. But that’s another story.

Note that I always receive “tap-tap” notifications from all others I’ve set to break through Do Not Disturb or Sleep, or when I’m not running either Focus mode, which the majority of the time. This only happens with my wife.

I don’t know if this is the locus of the problem or not, but I would bet it floats somewhere in Apple’s iCloud. Focus modes, like Messages, flow through iCloud (assuming you have Messaging in iCloud turned on). Liss is convinced he’s configured something wrong. How notifications flow from one device or the other for those, like I, using multiple Apple devices, is also an inconsistent issue in my experience.

My guess, is anyone experiencing this at some point may have flipped a switch in an earlier generation of the software that has since changed, but there’s a flag set somewhere in that user’s iCloud account that’s hanging around causing the problem.

I’ve experienced several issues with my specific iCloud account that required things to be reset on Apple’s end in the past to suspect this is the case. As a little birdie told me during all my iCloud adventures, keep in mind every time Apple updates the operating system for your device, updates are happening on the backend as well.

Perhaps this is one of the many bugs Apple may be cleaning up on the backend preparing for the release of iOS 27. If not, it should be. It certainly would make for happier households that use Apple’s products.

(Image from Andrej Lišakoy on Unsplash)

Thanks for reading. You can subscribe to this blog if you care to. You can also find more of my writings on a variety of topics on Medium at this link, including in the publications Ellemeno and Rome. I can also be found on social media under my name as above. This site does not use affilate links.

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