#first-chapter-thursday — Public Fediverse posts

First Chapter Thursday: The Bracelet by Ruler of Twilight

Hello, lovely readers!

I got a first chapter review submission a little while ago, so I am SUPER excited to get to feature it today! Horse Charms Book 1: The Bracelet by Ruler of Twilight is a light fantasy middle-grade story, and I’m eager to dive in!

Check out other first chapters and reviews through the First Chapter Friday (now Thursday) feature. Wondering about my criteria and what my ratings mean? Read “What Makes a Fantastic First Chapter?”

If you’re interested in submitting, see the guidelines and submit to this form!

The Bracelet Chapter One

May Airden walked into the empty house. It was smaller than the old house. She and her family had moved. Before they had lived close to her aunt. Her aunt Courtney had three beautiful chestnut horses. May wished they had not moved, because she had not been allowed near the horses. Her parents promised her that she would be permitted to learn to ride her aunt’s horses the next year, when she would be thirteen. It was her dream, but that wouldn’t happen. 

She scanned the room and noticed a musty smell as she walked through the dusty air. The evening light made the dust in the air more visible. The room she was in was a foyer. To the left was a hall which held the bedrooms. To the right was a living room which fed into the dining room. 

May already knew her room was the first one on the right, down the hall. The floor creaked as she walked towards her room. If she hadn’t moved away from everything she had known, she might have loved the spooky creak. The door, too, creaked as she turned the cold handle and pushed it open. There was a window opposite the door. Because the room pointed north, no golden light poured in. 

The large bifold closet had been left open. May blew her bangs out of her eyes as she peered at the mirror in the closet. Just then her older brother, Jonathan, burst into the room to throw her sleeping bag at her. 

“Ouch!” she yelped in surprise.

“There is no way that hurts, sis!” he called back on his way out the door. “and don’t forget to get your stuff out of the car, because I’m not running out to do it.” May grunted in response. She didn’t feel like messing with his shenanigans. But she still retraced her steps to their car. The trunk was open and her mom and younger brother were gathering their own things. 

“Did you hear, May? Mom promised when we get all our things out of the car, dad will buy Domino’s for supper!”

“That’s great, Max.” May responded with what she hoped matched his enthusiasm. It must have been, because her seven-year-old brother bolted past her with his Star Wars backpack, pillow case, and his new outer space sleeping bag. She was thankful she was the only girl out of the three children in their family. It meant she had her own room by default. 

“Here you go,” her mom declared as she handed May her horse patterned suitcase. 

“Thanks,” she responded before she turned around to go back into the empty house. 

Later that night, May tossed and turned in her sleeping bag. Between wanting to go back home and the nerves for school the next day, the pizza had not sat well. The next day would be Friday. She would be starting school on the last day of school.  Not that it was unusual, it just made her more nervous. However she finally fell asleep. 

May usually walked slower than her brothers when on the way to school, but this time she just wanted to get there and get it over with. Her horse backpack was on her back and she held the straps in her hands. She had passed the elementary school, which was where Jonathan would be dropping off Max. Her parents were busy with their new jobs. That left Jonathan to walk Max to school. 

She made it to the new school a few minutes before her brother. Her new school had two floors. The walls on the second floor were not walls; they were windows. 

After finding out where her homeroom was, she started up the stairs. When she made it to the top, she heard the sound of metal against the floor then hit the wall. She looked down at the tile floor and across the empty hall. There, against the wall, was a silver colored bracelet. She walked over and picked it up. As she turned it over in her hands, she realized it had horse charms. One was of a horse head with the mane being blown by wind. The second was of a leaping horse. The third one was of a galloping horse. The last one was a horse on its hind legs. Each charm seemed to glow despite the obvious old age. 

The bracelet was cold in her hands. The bell rang and startled her. She was late. She felt the charms warm up in her hand. Had she thought about it, she would have realized they had warmed up too quickly. Her stomach sank as she pocketed the charm bracelet.

Analysis:

Opening line: ★★☆☆☆

“May Airden walked into the empty house.“

As far as first lines go, I would say this one is mediocre.

Here’s the thing about first lines: you want them to really pack a punch. You want to throw as much intrigue and emotion into that sentence as possible. This sentence tells us what May is doing, and it introduces us to the setting, but I think it could be reworked to give us much more.

For example, I might try something like, “As May Airden walked into her family’s new, empty house, all she could think about were the dreams she’d left behind.”

This would also cut down on some of the repetitiveness of the first paragraph: personally, I found some of the sentences redundant. Which, mind you, depends on the target age. I’m guessing this is for the 10-12ish range, but if it’s shooting for a younger demographic, it would be perfectly appropriate to have very brief, clear sentences. If you’re shooting for that 10-12 range, though, I don’t think you need to state explicitly, “She and her family had moved,” because the reader can determine that from the prior two sentences.

Additionally, I think the prose itself would benefit from more sentence variation (i.e., combining clauses with a conjunction; some em-dashes maybe; etcetera).

So, for example, I might take the first paragraph:

May Airden walked into the empty house. It was smaller than the old house. She and her family had moved. Before they had lived close to her aunt. Her aunt Courtney had three beautiful chestnut horses. May wished they had not moved, because she had not been allowed near the horses. Her parents promised her that she would be permitted to learn to ride her aunt’s horses the next year, when she would be thirteen. It was her dream, but that wouldn’t happen. 

And tweak it to look a little more like this:

As May Airden walked into her family’s new, empty house, all she could think about were the dreams she’d left behind… dreams of horseback riding, her hair blowing behind her in the wind. At the old house, they’d lived close to her Aunt Courtney—and her three beautiful chestnut horses. May had never been allowed near the horses, but her parents had promised she could learn to ride next year, when she turned thirteen. Now her dream would never happen.

By combining some of the sentences, the writing here feels a bit less choppy… it flows a little bit better, if that makes sense. That said, I feel like this is a lot of information to cram into the first paragraph, so I might try to intersperse some details of her surroundings or memories or thoughts to try to spread some of this info out.

Not sure if this category is the appropriate spot to put any of this, but oh well? XD

Character voice: ★★★★☆

May’s character voice does shine through here: she’s not your typical girlboss, spunky middle-grade main character. Instead, we see a lot of insecurity and shyness in this first chapter. Even in her interactions with her surroundings and her brothers, she seems hesitant and unsure, and like she lacks confidence.

I feel this could be strengthened through showing more of her reactions to things: for example, instead of saying “She scanned the room and noticed a musty smell,” you might note, “May scrunched her nose and decided to breathe through her mouth when a musty smell drifted across the room.” This shows not only that there was a musty smell, but also that May didn’t like it. That helps us better get into May’s head.

Hints at future conflict: ★★★★★

We aren’t introduced to any crazy high stakes here, but we can already see that there’s a lot going on inside our main girl. She’s struggling with adjusting to a new house and new school, and battling some shyness and discomfort. She’s also pretty disappointed by unmet expectations concerning her aunt’s horses. I’m assuming these are some things that she’ll work through over the course of the book.

And then, of course, we have some hints at this charm bracelet being special, even though we don’t yet know how. And that’s what’s going to keep those 10-12-year-olds reading, because they’re drawn in by this magical object.

Overall: ★★★★☆

I’m not going to lie: I’m having a much harder time rating this than I would a YA or adult first chapter, just because it’s been a long time since I’ve read any MG for my own personal enjoyment. However, I have sat and listened to a bunch of nine-year-olds reading at a 3rd-grade level during a long-term sub job, and I do think this is pretty close to the appropriate level. As an adult, I’m used to very complex sentences, so it’s hard to appreciate things being very choppy and clear. At the same time, I also know that lower-level readers need that… and they need it with higher level subject matter, too.

SO. What I’m saying is… take my advice with a grain of salt. However, the writing does feel a bit choppy and shallow, and I think sentence variation and deeper connection with POV characters is good at any age, so I would recommend still making some of those changes.

I’m really interested to see everyone else’s thoughts and whether there’s anything they would add!

What do you think? How would you rate this chapter? How do you think this chapter could be made more compelling?

And, of course, if you want to submit your first chapter for review, fill out the form here. I would love to feature your writing!

Leave a like if this post was helpful, and subscribe to receive future posts to your inbox!

First Chapter Thursday: The Bracelet by Ruler of Twilight

Hello, lovely readers!

I got a first chapter review submission a little while ago, so I am SUPER excited to get to feature it today! Horse Charms Book 1: The Bracelet by Ruler of Twilight is a light fantasy middle-grade story, and I’m eager to dive in!

Check out other first chapters and reviews through the First Chapter Friday (now Thursday) feature. Wondering about my criteria and what my ratings mean? Read “What Makes a Fantastic First Chapter?”

If you’re interested in submitting, see the guidelines and submit to this form!

The Bracelet Chapter One

May Airden walked into the empty house. It was smaller than the old house. She and her family had moved. Before they had lived close to her aunt. Her aunt Courtney had three beautiful chestnut horses. May wished they had not moved, because she had not been allowed near the horses. Her parents promised her that she would be permitted to learn to ride her aunt’s horses the next year, when she would be thirteen. It was her dream, but that wouldn’t happen. 

She scanned the room and noticed a musty smell as she walked through the dusty air. The evening light made the dust in the air more visible. The room she was in was a foyer. To the left was a hall which held the bedrooms. To the right was a living room which fed into the dining room. 

May already knew her room was the first one on the right, down the hall. The floor creaked as she walked towards her room. If she hadn’t moved away from everything she had known, she might have loved the spooky creak. The door, too, creaked as she turned the cold handle and pushed it open. There was a window opposite the door. Because the room pointed north, no golden light poured in. 

The large bifold closet had been left open. May blew her bangs out of her eyes as she peered at the mirror in the closet. Just then her older brother, Jonathan, burst into the room to throw her sleeping bag at her. 

“Ouch!” she yelped in surprise.

“There is no way that hurts, sis!” he called back on his way out the door. “and don’t forget to get your stuff out of the car, because I’m not running out to do it.” May grunted in response. She didn’t feel like messing with his shenanigans. But she still retraced her steps to their car. The trunk was open and her mom and younger brother were gathering their own things. 

“Did you hear, May? Mom promised when we get all our things out of the car, dad will buy Domino’s for supper!”

“That’s great, Max.” May responded with what she hoped matched his enthusiasm. It must have been, because her seven-year-old brother bolted past her with his Star Wars backpack, pillow case, and his new outer space sleeping bag. She was thankful she was the only girl out of the three children in their family. It meant she had her own room by default. 

“Here you go,” her mom declared as she handed May her horse patterned suitcase. 

“Thanks,” she responded before she turned around to go back into the empty house. 

Later that night, May tossed and turned in her sleeping bag. Between wanting to go back home and the nerves for school the next day, the pizza had not sat well. The next day would be Friday. She would be starting school on the last day of school.  Not that it was unusual, it just made her more nervous. However she finally fell asleep. 

May usually walked slower than her brothers when on the way to school, but this time she just wanted to get there and get it over with. Her horse backpack was on her back and she held the straps in her hands. She had passed the elementary school, which was where Jonathan would be dropping off Max. Her parents were busy with their new jobs. That left Jonathan to walk Max to school. 

She made it to the new school a few minutes before her brother. Her new school had two floors. The walls on the second floor were not walls; they were windows. 

After finding out where her homeroom was, she started up the stairs. When she made it to the top, she heard the sound of metal against the floor then hit the wall. She looked down at the tile floor and across the empty hall. There, against the wall, was a silver colored bracelet. She walked over and picked it up. As she turned it over in her hands, she realized it had horse charms. One was of a horse head with the mane being blown by wind. The second was of a leaping horse. The third one was of a galloping horse. The last one was a horse on its hind legs. Each charm seemed to glow despite the obvious old age. 

The bracelet was cold in her hands. The bell rang and startled her. She was late. She felt the charms warm up in her hand. Had she thought about it, she would have realized they had warmed up too quickly. Her stomach sank as she pocketed the charm bracelet.

Analysis:

Opening line: ★★☆☆☆

“May Airden walked into the empty house.“

As far as first lines go, I would say this one is mediocre.

Here’s the thing about first lines: you want them to really pack a punch. You want to throw as much intrigue and emotion into that sentence as possible. This sentence tells us what May is doing, and it introduces us to the setting, but I think it could be reworked to give us much more.

For example, I might try something like, “As May Airden walked into her family’s new, empty house, all she could think about were the dreams she’d left behind.”

This would also cut down on some of the repetitiveness of the first paragraph: personally, I found some of the sentences redundant. Which, mind you, depends on the target age. I’m guessing this is for the 10-12ish range, but if it’s shooting for a younger demographic, it would be perfectly appropriate to have very brief, clear sentences. If you’re shooting for that 10-12 range, though, I don’t think you need to state explicitly, “She and her family had moved,” because the reader can determine that from the prior two sentences.

Additionally, I think the prose itself would benefit from more sentence variation (i.e., combining clauses with a conjunction; some em-dashes maybe; etcetera).

So, for example, I might take the first paragraph:

May Airden walked into the empty house. It was smaller than the old house. She and her family had moved. Before they had lived close to her aunt. Her aunt Courtney had three beautiful chestnut horses. May wished they had not moved, because she had not been allowed near the horses. Her parents promised her that she would be permitted to learn to ride her aunt’s horses the next year, when she would be thirteen. It was her dream, but that wouldn’t happen. 

And tweak it to look a little more like this:

As May Airden walked into her family’s new, empty house, all she could think about were the dreams she’d left behind… dreams of horseback riding, her hair blowing behind her in the wind. At the old house, they’d lived close to her Aunt Courtney—and her three beautiful chestnut horses. May had never been allowed near the horses, but her parents had promised she could learn to ride next year, when she turned thirteen. Now her dream would never happen.

By combining some of the sentences, the writing here feels a bit less choppy… it flows a little bit better, if that makes sense. That said, I feel like this is a lot of information to cram into the first paragraph, so I might try to intersperse some details of her surroundings or memories or thoughts to try to spread some of this info out.

Not sure if this category is the appropriate spot to put any of this, but oh well? XD

Character voice: ★★★★☆

May’s character voice does shine through here: she’s not your typical girlboss, spunky middle-grade main character. Instead, we see a lot of insecurity and shyness in this first chapter. Even in her interactions with her surroundings and her brothers, she seems hesitant and unsure, and like she lacks confidence.

I feel this could be strengthened through showing more of her reactions to things: for example, instead of saying “She scanned the room and noticed a musty smell,” you might note, “May scrunched her nose and decided to breathe through her mouth when a musty smell drifted across the room.” This shows not only that there was a musty smell, but also that May didn’t like it. That helps us better get into May’s head.

Hints at future conflict: ★★★★★

We aren’t introduced to any crazy high stakes here, but we can already see that there’s a lot going on inside our main girl. She’s struggling with adjusting to a new house and new school, and battling some shyness and discomfort. She’s also pretty disappointed by unmet expectations concerning her aunt’s horses. I’m assuming these are some things that she’ll work through over the course of the book.

And then, of course, we have some hints at this charm bracelet being special, even though we don’t yet know how. And that’s what’s going to keep those 10-12-year-olds reading, because they’re drawn in by this magical object.

Overall: ★★★★☆

I’m not going to lie: I’m having a much harder time rating this than I would a YA or adult first chapter, just because it’s been a long time since I’ve read any MG for my own personal enjoyment. However, I have sat and listened to a bunch of nine-year-olds reading at a 3rd-grade level during a long-term sub job, and I do think this is pretty close to the appropriate level. As an adult, I’m used to very complex sentences, so it’s hard to appreciate things being very choppy and clear. At the same time, I also know that lower-level readers need that… and they need it with higher level subject matter, too.

SO. What I’m saying is… take my advice with a grain of salt. However, the writing does feel a bit choppy and shallow, and I think sentence variation and deeper connection with POV characters is good at any age, so I would recommend still making some of those changes.

I’m really interested to see everyone else’s thoughts and whether there’s anything they would add!

What do you think? How would you rate this chapter? How do you think this chapter could be made more compelling?

And, of course, if you want to submit your first chapter for review, fill out the form here. I would love to feature your writing!

Leave a like if this post was helpful, and subscribe to receive future posts to your inbox!