#ethicalnonmonogamy — Public Fediverse posts

https://www.europesays.com/africa/458862/ How polyamorous dynamics build protections, visibility, and community • GCN #EthicalNonMonogamy #PolyamorousRelationships #polyamory #Tanzania

DATE: September 21, 2026 at 07:00AM
SOURCE: PSYPOST.ORG

** Research quality varies widely from fantastic to small exploratory studies. Please check research methods when conclusions are very important to you. **
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TITLE: Couples searching for a third partner report stronger bonds but often ignore the newcomer’s desires

URL: https://www.psypost.org/couples-searching-for-a-third-partner-report-stronger-bonds-but-often-ignore-the/

Couples who search for a third person to join their sexual or romantic relationships frequently focus on their own pleasure while minimizing the desires of the person they pursue. A recent qualitative analysis of people in these relationships also reveals that the search process itself often strengthens the existing couples’ bonds and communication. The findings were published in the journal Psychology & Sexuality.

In consensual non-monogamy, partners agree to have romantic or sexual encounters with other people. One increasingly visible practice involves established couples seeking a third person to join them. This third person is colloquially known as a unicorn because they are perceived as rare and highly sought after. The practice is often associated with a man and a woman looking for a bisexual woman to join them.

Polyamorous communities sometimes criticize couples who search for a third person. Critics argue these couples often prioritize their own needs and protect their established relationship hierarchy. This framework can treat the newcomer as an accessory to be used and discarded.

Engaging with a third person can provide a positive experience for everyone involved and can challenge traditional relationship norms. Direct research on couples seeking a third person has remained sparse. To better understand this dynamic, researchers led by Alena Bondarchuk-Mclaughlin at La Trobe University in Melbourne, Australia, set out to explore the perspectives of the people conducting the search.

The researchers recruited 80 participants through social media and an online survey platform. All respondents indicated they were currently or had previously been part of a couple looking for a third person. Participants answered five open-ended survey questions about who they wanted to join them, what their goals were, and how the search had affected their primary relationship.

The research team analyzed the text responses using a qualitative method. They looked for recurring patterns and grouped the answers into four main categories. These categories covered the desired characteristics of the third person, the effects on the couple, the ideal relationship dynamics, and the reality of their actual encounters.

When describing who they wanted to join them, most participants specifically sought a woman. The majority of these requests specified a bisexual woman. The desires were more varied than the typical stereotype suggests, as nearly a quarter of respondents said gender was irrelevant. Others looked for men, other couples, or specific personality traits like friendliness.

Couples overwhelmingly described the search process as having a positive impact on their relationships. Nearly 80 percent of participants reported that looking for a third person brought them closer together. They noted improvements in communication, honesty, and trust. Discussing fantasies and boundaries openly often heightened their sexual experiences as a couple.

A small minority reported that the search had a negative effect on their primary relationship. In these cases, participants noted that initiating the search coincided with disagreements, pressure, or a breach of trust. Some participants also described struggling with feelings of jealousy when confronting traditional relationship expectations.

The researchers found a major gap between the type of relationship couples wanted and what they actually experienced. A majority of participants desired a predominantly sexual relationship with the third person. They wanted to fulfill specific fantasies, experience novelty, or enhance their own shared pleasure. Many explicitly stated they wanted minimal romantic involvement.

In contrast, about 40 percent wanted an emotional connection, ranging from friendship to a loving, cohabitating relationship. Yet some responses revealed an expectation that the third person would serve mainly to fix a void or provide a service. These participants often specified that the newcomer must respect the existing couple’s priority and not disrupt their bond.

Only a small fraction of the participants mentioned the third person’s own desires or sexual pleasure as an important part of the ideal scenario. When describing their actual relationships with a third person, many couples maintained purely sexual boundaries, often sticking to one-night stands. About a quarter managed to form ongoing social or romantic relationships.

Expressions of care for the third person were rare in the actual relationship descriptions. Only 12 percent of responses mentioned prioritizing the newcomer’s feelings or treating them as an equal. The researchers noted that many couples entered the search focused heavily on their own personal gain.

Couples also frequently reported struggling to find a willing third person. Almost half of the participants described difficulties in their search. Many could not find the right match, faced a scarcity of interested people, or encountered mismatched expectations.

The researchers suggested this lack of success might stem from the couples’ failure to consider the third person’s interests. Treating the search like a request for a specialized service rather than the formation of a new interpersonal connection can easily lead to disappointment for all parties. The authors suggest that couples should express genuine care for the person they seek.

The study relies on self-reported data from a sample of 80 individuals, rather than interviewing both members of the couple. The researchers only surveyed the people doing the searching, leaving out the perspectives of the individuals being pursued. Future research will need to examine the experiences of the third person to provide a complete picture of these relationship dynamics.

The survey prompts may have influenced how participants answered the questions. For instance, the question asking who they wanted to join them included “bisexual woman” as an example, which might have prompted respondents to use that exact phrase. The survey also did not ask about the gender of the participants’ partners, which limits the ability to analyze how the gender makeup of the original couple shapes the search process.

The study, “Searching for a third: couples’ experiences of unicorn pursuit, desire, and ethical tensions,” was authored by Alena Bondarchuk-Mclaughlin, Nat Amos, and Joel R. Anderson.

URL: https://www.psypost.org/couples-searching-for-a-third-partner-report-stronger-bonds-but-often-ignore-the/

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#psychology #counseling #socialwork #psychotherapy @psychotherapist @psychotherapists @psychology @socialpsych @socialwork @psychiatry #mentalhealth #psychiatry #healthcare #depression #psychotherapist #ConsensualNonMonogamy #UnicornPursuit #CouplesTherapy #RelationshipDynamics #OpenRelationships #CommunicationInRelationships #EthicalNonMonogamy #BisexualVisibility #PolyamoryCommunity #RomanticBoundaries

#Love is about consent, not ownership. #Polyamory isn't a lack of commitment; it's an abundance of honesty and care for everyone involved. Keep your toxic jealousy to yourself. 🗣️⚡ #Polyamory #EthicalNonMonogamy #PrideMonth

Best part of being poly? #Polyamory #EthicalNonMonogamy #ENM #PolyLife

RE: https://kinkycats.org/@aces_funhouse/117167532066665512

Hi😁

(posted on my NSFW account. You can follow me there too if you like).

#hi #selfie #blueeyes #trans #transman #transmasc #plural #pluralgang #disabled #chronicallyill #hope #joy #blueeyesmagic #witch #pleasurewitch #witchyvibes #transgender #happiness #selfies #boostsok #boostswelcome #fun #bisexual #polyamory #polyamorous #ethicalnonmonogamy

Among Millennials and Gen X, ENM is already the preferred relationship structure, ahead of traditional monogamy in both groups. 1 in 5 people have engaged in some form of it & 1 in 6 desire to but never have.

What is your experience with ENM? #ethicalnonmonogamy #relationships #love

Among Millennials and Gen X, ENM is already the preferred relationship structure, ahead of traditional monogamy in both groups. 1 in 5 people have engaged in some form of it & 1 in 6 desire to but never have.

What is your experience with ENM? #ethicalnonmonogamy #relationships #love

Do you make a distinction between the terms "ethical non-monogamy" and "polyamory" (especially from inside those worlds)?

If yes, what is the difference to you?

#ENM #EthicalNonMonogamy #Polyam #Polyamory #Dating #Relationships

So blöd die Urlaubsplanung mit meiner F+ auch war, so passend war die Urlaubsplanung des Partners meiner Frau: Der war zeitgleich mit meiner F+ weg und damit hatten meine Frau und ich jetzt zwei volle Wochen exklusiv Zeit für uns. Das war auch mal richtig schön.

#poly #ethicalNonMonogamy

@jasmine @navi
> non-ethical monogamy?

I've heard that's quite a popular choice.

#poly
#polyamory
#ethicalnonmonogamy

Okay poly people. What's your dream polycule? I'll go first. Haha
The entire cast of Sense8. 🤣
#polyamory #enm #ethicalNonMonogamy #relationships #love #sense8

Happy New Release To Me!!

Playing With Fire, book 1 in My Hotwife Life series!

#Novella #EthicalNonMonogamy #Erotica #Romance

https://twp.ai/ImtNoN

You know what would probably blow the mind of your average monogamist? Asexual polyamory people. The next time someone finds out I'm poly and jumps right to talking about sex and threesomes, I'm going to bring up that counterexample and let them sit with what that says about their ideas of love and relationships.
#polyamory #lgbtqia #asexuality #ace #monogamy #ENM #ethicalNonmonogamy #poly #lgbtq #queer

Ich jetzt meine Beziehungsberatungs-Website übersetzt und freue mich über Anfragen und Weiterverbreitung

I have translated my relationship counseling website, look forward to enquiries and would be happy for people to spread the word

• Deutsch: katharina-debus.de/beziehungsb…
• English: katharina-debus.de/relationshi…

Ich biete Beziehungsberatung in Berlin und online für alle Geschlechterkonstellationen und alle einvernehmlichen Lebensweisen, Beziehungsmodelle und Sexualitäten. Wichtig ist mir, nicht mit Schablonen einer ‚guten‘ oder ‚richtigen‘ Beziehung zu arbeiten – weder entlang gesamtgesellschaftlicher Normalitätsvorstellungen noch entlang von Community-Normen –, sondern Umgangsweisen zu entwickeln, die zu den beteiligten Menschen passen. Mein Ziel ist die Unterstützung hin zu Beziehungen, die allen Beteiligten guttun und auch mit Herausforderungen umgehen können. Dabei arbeite ich vielfaltsorientiert, diskriminierungsreflektiert und herrschaftskritisch/machtkritisch.

I offer relationship counseling in Berlin and online for all gender constellations and all consensual relationship models and sexualities. Rather than working with templates of ‘good’ or ‘right’ relationships—either based on societal or community norms—I aim to support you to co-create approaches that correspond to your individual wishes, needs, and boundaries. My goal is to assist in fostering relationships that are beneficial to all involved and can also handle challenges. In this process, I appreciate diversity and strive to take into account and mitigate effects of discrimination, inequality and power imbalances on relationships.

#Beziehungsberatung #RelationshipCounseling #paarberatung #Paartherapie #couples-counseling #couples-therapy #bedürfnisorientiert #GeschlechtlicheVielfalt #SexuelleVielfalt #RomantischeVielfalt #queerinklusiv #queersensibel #queer #Beziehungsvielfalt #genderdiversity #sexualdiversity #romanticdiversity #relationshipdiversity #vielfaltsorientiert #Polyamorie #polyamory #ethischeNichtmonogamie #EthicalNonMonogamy #kink-aware #kinksensibel #kinkinklusiv #kinkinclusive #infektionsschutzsensibel #CovidCautious #diskriminierungssensibel #transinklusiv #geschlechterreflektiert #herrschaftskritisch #machtkritisch

Experienced #Polyamorous people of the Fedi, I need some #advice and #support. #Poly newb here; please be honest but gentle.

An incredibly cute and lovely human and fellow student has walked into my life, and I am verry much smitten. We're just getting to know each other and feeling out the vibes. With that being said, if things go the way I'd like them to, I want to ask them out with every fiber of my being. that means they'll have to find out I'm poly at some point, and that scares the hell out of me because what if that blows up my chances or otherwise backfires? I know it's stupid and that this is the chance you take, but still... makes my stomach squirm. Also, worth mentioning that for my own safety, the people around me do not know that I am poly.

So, my question is: how do y'all gage whether or not potential love interests are open to #polyamory without being obvious about it? Any subtle hints or questions I could drop to feel things out so to speak? Would rather not get my hopes up too much. Or, am I thinking/going about this the entirely wrong way? Again, any advice or support would be fantastic.

#ENN #ethicalnonmonogamy

I just filled out this (unpaid) survey for OPEN, which is a polyamory advocacy organization! It took me 12 minutes. The survey description says they expect it to take 20-30 minutes, which makes sense - I'm fast at answering surveys.

Here is the link they told me to give people, which seems to tell them you were referred by a participant, but not which one: https://chapmanu.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_3qvDjh6xlTrjEZE?Source=participant

And here is a link with all tracking removed: https://chapmanu.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_3qvDjh6xlTrjEZE

#Polyamory #EthicalNonMonogamy

I want to find my people around here. Follow me if you relate to these hashtags and I will follow you back.

#Anarchism #Anarchy #Anarchist #Anarquismo #ancom #anarchocommunism #anarcocomunismo #anarcosindicalismo #anarchosyndicalism #AnarchoPunk

#portugal #portugues #portuguese

#veggie #vegetarian

#freepalestine #freecongo #palestine #palestina #congo

#leftist #leftism #leftists

#Feminism #Feminist #transfeminisme #transfeminismo #anarchafeminism #anarchatransfeminism #anarchoqueer

#lgbtq #lgbt #lgbtqia #Queer #Trans #transrights #transgender #enby #enbypride #NonBinary #naobinarie #nãoBinariedade #bi #bisexual #pan #pansexual #sapphic #genderfluid #genderqueer

#nonmonogamy #relationalanarchy #polyamory #polyamour #polyamourous #ethicalnonmonogamy

#kink #kinky #kinkcommunity #kinkfriendly #bdsm #bdsmkink

#AntiFascism #Antifa #AntiFascist

#antiracism #decolonial #decolonize #indigenousrights

#Punk #metal #edm #techno #trance #funk #reggaeton #rap #hiphop

#anthropology #sociology #History #Philosophy #Politics #biology #socialsciences #Privacy #privacymatters #cybersecurity #forensic

#Ecology #ambient #ecologia

#bones #bonecollector #ostheology #death #morbid #mortuarypractices #mortuary #mortuaryscience #deathpositive #deathpositivity

#witch #occult #satanism

Yvonne Rorrer Declares Herself Ethically Non-Monogamous

Good for her, and for those of us who are also into ethical non-monogamy.

I have never heard of Yvonne Rorrer until Stephen Colbert talked about her on The Late Show last night. I know she is a Democrat, but I don’t know more about her political positions. At any rate, it is a good thing that she declared herself ethically non-monogamous in a statement. I’m not saying that she came out because I got from a Huffington Post article that she was already out.

Colbert talked about her as a swinger. Mainstream media often does such a piss-poor job at reporting about things they do not understand that I was wondering whether swinger was her expression, or whether the journalists jumped the gun, and assumed. The Huffington Post article I link to above confirms it is her expression.

Ethical non-monogamy is a large umbrella term. Swinging falls under this umbrella, and so does polyamory. (I am polyamorous.) In all cases, of ethical non-monogamy, the assumption is that everyone involved knows what is going on. Ethically non-monogamous people do not hide one relationship from another.

One thing irritated me in Colbert’s talk about Rorrer. It came across to me as mononormative. Colbert said,

She might be one of those people who thinks everybody wants to hear about their thing.

😩 Why did he need to go there? Why?

Colbert, like the majority of our population, monogamous, and straight. People will assume, correctly, those two characteristics about him. When people run into someone like me, or like Rorrer, they make the same assumptions, and they are wrong. We are both ethically non-monogamous. I am because I’m polyamorous. Rorrer is because she is a swinger. I’m moreover not straight, because I’m pansexual. I don’t know about Rorrer’s sexual orientation.

We do not talk about our ethical non-monogamy because we think that everybody wants to hear about it. We talk about it to normalize it, and because some people will benefit from it. In a world where monogamous people are in the majority, we who are ethically non-monogamous are assumed to be monogamous too. That is, until we tell people otherwise.

I’m open, too, about all kinds of things. I cannot count the number of times when, after being open about being pansexual, polyamorous, or autistic, I had a nice chat with someone else who was in a similar situation. This discussion would not have happened if I had not been open about my identity.

Please do not assume that when someone is in a minority group that, when they are being open about their identity, their intent is to shove their business into your face.

#AutisticWriters #EthicalNonMonogamy #polyamory #SexualMinorities #StephenColbert #swinging #TheLateShow #YourAutisticLife #YvonneRorrer

Just ended a three hour video chat with my boys. I know I'm high on New Relationship Energy™ but the number of times we all had the urge to jump through the screen to hug each other is... A lot of times! This is my first time trying to make a long distance relationship work. Largely because before I don't think I had the maturity and, let's face it, the financial means to make it viable. We just made plans for them to come in June for my birthday. 🥰
#polyamory #ethicalnonmonogamy #love

Ever since returning back from the Netherlands, I've been so happy. I feel like one of those cartoon characters that floats around and sings because they're lovestruck.
Well, pushing aside about 24 hours of missing them.... (Me? Miss someone? That's rarely ever happened and was a very new experience!)
Just got time off and a ticket to go back at the end of March.
(Please bear with me. 🙃)
#love #polyamory #lgbtq #lgbtqia #queer #enm #ethicalnonmonogamy #gay #gaymen #crush

What an amazing week and some change with these guys... Sometimes when you least expect it, amazing people come (back) into your life and despite the hurdles, you've got to seize the moment and do what you can. Counting the days till I can go back and see my boys next month. ☘️
#polyamory #love #friends #enm #ethicalnonmonogamy #gay #queer #lgbtqia #lgbtq #gaymen

I've had the most amazing polyaffirmative weekend. Exactly what the doctor ordered. Hung out with an old, dear friend that I love immensely and his situationship. We all felt something special immediately.
Cuddle puddles, compersion and connection. ❤️❤️❤️
#polyamory #love #friends #enm #ethicalnonmonogamy #gay #queer #lgbtqia #lgbtq #gaymen

TL;DR: Research on austism and consensual nonmonogamy.

Dangit, I've already lost the original post. Someone posted a pop-sci take on this study (qualitative small-N convenience sample, but still fascinating) of sex, romance, and intimate relationships in autistic people) , so I hunted it down and got very sucked into it, especially the intro, which is a lit review full of things (a) I didn't know and (b) super interesting.

Anyway, here it is. I'd say I recommend it (which I do), but I'm guessing many people on masto already have this knowledge, which was largely new to me.

https://sci-hub.se/https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-020-04377-8

EDIT: Sci-hub is blocked in some places. Here's the DOI so you can look this paper up if you can't access sci-hub
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-020-04377-8

#autism #sex #nonmonogamy #polyamory #cnm #consensualnonmonogamy #ethicalnonmonogamy #love #sex

3/3 These are just examples, and your own patterns will likely be very different - and even more important.

#enm #poly #polyam #polyamfam #polyamory #polyamorous #polyamorousrelationship #polyamorytiktok #polyamoryawareness #ethicalnonmonogamy #openrelationship #openmarriage #queer #lgbtq #polycule #kitchentablepoly #therapy #therapytok #counsellor #counselling #counsellorsoftiktok #ukcounsellor #queertherapist #relationships

Anyone else crying their eyes out because you had to break up with a guy for his own good, because he couldn't be polyaccepting anymore than you could be monogamous? I've had so much else going on in my life that I think it's only a month after that I can do my grievance. I'm a mess tonight. We really love(d) each other and tried so hard.
#love #breakup #polyamory #polyamorist #ethicalnonmonogamy #enm #monogamy #relationships #humans #mentalhealth

How to name subgraphs i a #polycule?
We have yet to figure out how to name things in our #ethicalnonmonogamy relationship.

When someone asks me to describe my newest boyfriend

#discoelysium #polyamory #cryptid #cryptozoology #humor #funny #videogames #ethicalnonmonogamy #rpg

Things I've learned from spending the morning on Relationship Tok:

*Folks are obsessed with controlling their partners. Their dress. Their behavior. Their time. Their other relationships.

*People do not like boundaries or wouldn't recognize a boundary if it sat up and said, No thanks.

*Most folks learned this crap in their own families and get really upset when told it's unhealthy and problematic.

*The youth are expert in this controlling relationship crap out the gate -- which is gross and alarming.

*Respectability rules in relationships are a tool of social control and it's typically gendered.

*Folks are afraid of freedom. Their own and their partner's.

I don't want to control my partners. (First, that's exhausting as hell. I ain't got time for that.) They are free. I am free. Freedom is great for everyone.

God I'm so glad that I put in the time over the past 4 years to unlearn and unpack that toxic, controlling shit.

Yay me!

#SoPo #ENM #ethicalnonmonogamy

Every time I meet someone who's "unsuccessfully" #poly (can't find anyone to #date, can't find anyone interested in more than hookups and one-night-stands, #relationships always fizzle as soon as the #NRE dies, or only ever winds up in bad/abusive relationships that end messily), it's the same few basic problems.

Toxic #mononormativity.

Toxic #masculinity.

Toxic #heteronormativity.

#Sexism.

People who find #polyamory "easy" are the ones who have already faced these problems and named them. They might not have properly *solved* all those issues yet (goodness knows even I sometimes hide for safety behind some #passing-privilege and let people make #heteromononormative #assumptions about me, and I've been out-and-proud #non-monogamous for decades). But if you're finding #EthicalNonMonogamy difficult, it's probably one (or a combination) of those issues. And if more seasoned poly-folk roll their eyes at you and don't take the time to explain it, it's because we've heard it literally hundreds of times before.

Which doesn't make you bad, or stupid, or even unsuited to being non-monogamous. It just means you're still early in the journey, and can't progress until you do some work.