#darkhumour — Public Fediverse posts
Live and recent posts from across the Fediverse tagged #darkhumour, aggregated by home.social.
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MY BUM LOST ITS MIND,
WHILE MY LUNGS FOUND GOD 💎I had an extraordinary morning. Firstly, I shit my pants. There. We may as well get that out of the way. The annoying thing was that I had already been to the toilet. I had done the responsible thing. I had evacuated the premises. Ten minutes later, my body apparently discovered a forgotten annex. Mostly water. Thank you, body.
THIS FRIGHTENED ME MORE THAN I WANTED TO ADMIT.
I’m 70 now, hemiplegic (use of only one side of the body), so independence is not an abstract concept for me. I know exactly how many things have to be kept in balance and working for me to continue living the free life I love.
So naturally, my mind immediately produced the full disaster documentary. No more travel. More dependence. What if this gets worse? What if something else goes? What if I eventually need to go into care?
And then I remembered my mantra:
"No comment."
Not “everything will be fine.” Not “think positively.” Not a spiritual lecture delivered to myself while wearing compromised underwear.
Just:
"No comment."
And then I sat and did my breathwork. Three rounds, 36 minutes of controlled breathing with breath holds. And it was magnificent. Deep. Quiet. Meditative. Long holds. Longer than recommended, naturally, because apparently I obey my bowel more readily than I obey breathwork instructions.
HERE WAS THE RIDICULOUS THING:
My bum was driving me mad. My lungs were taking me home. Same body. Same morning. Completely different reports from different departments.
After the breathwork, I got dressed for the day. This sounds unremarkable until you have only one working hand. At my biggest, I was around 170–180 kilos. The clothes were enormous. Huge ill-fitting jeans. Enormous billowing T-shirts. Acres of bloody fabric.
Nobody tells you that when you’re hemiplegic, clothing itself has weight. Every extra bit of material has to be pulled, lifted, balanced, tucked and negotiated with one hand while trying not to fall over.
NOW I AM A SIZE SMALL.
Small briefs. Small T-shirt. Less body. Less fabric. Less wrestling. And I realised something rather wonderful. This is the first winter in years that I have dressed myself completely without needing my partner Pete's help. That matters enormously to me.
SO WHAT DID I LEARN FROM MY PROFOUNDLY SPIRITUAL MORNING?
Apparently quite a lot. The mind can be frightened while the breath is perfectly quiet. One part of the body can be behaving like a faulty garden hose while another is giving you the best meditation of your life. And “No comment” remains one of the finest spiritual tools I know.
ALSO, I NEED NEW UNDERWEAR.
Enlightenment is apparently very practical. Who knew!!
@3goodthings @DigitalCoup @meditation @economics_that_works @disability @pwd @joinin
#Disability #Hemiplegia #Breathwork #Meditation #Mindfulness #Independence #Aging #Spirituality #NoComment #DarkHumour #ACIM #people
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"We do not use your past chats or memories to select these ads." - Snippet from the official OpenAI customer information on introducing ads to ChatGPT. #darkhumour
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How is your week going? If it's anything like these two, hang in there - it's Thursday! You're doing great, you got this!
#Numismatics #Humour #Work #WorkplaceAccidentsandIncidents #Funny #Coins #Coin #Skeleton #Dark #DarkHumour #DarkHumor #CoinCollecting #Medallion @numismatics
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"Patrick claimed that for some unaccountable reason, he had recently become preoccupied to the point of obsession with memories of the old man, and – to his alarm – had begun to act and dress like he remembered old Walter had done. Hence his contact with a psychiatrist."
Michael Fowler's "The Wily Identity Thefts of the Returned Grandpa" in issue 20
#funny #humor #humour #fiction #absurd #fantasy #darkhumor #darkhumour
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"Israel is training AI chatbots to be pro-Israel. AI chatbots. Is that what they're calling our senators now?...
"Of course, Israel loves AI data centers. They both steal water from small towns."
Palestinian-American comic #SammyObeid on #Israel's PR problem
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmFvPCfDsAo
#Palestine #Gaza #standup #humour #politicalHumour #darkHumour -
@markarayner Should we be introduced to "meatus" the way they did in the serial 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗕𝗼𝘆𝘀, season 03 episode 01?
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If you think about it, the fact that soon not just Europe, but the whole world, will be literally on fire is, in fact, a very bright future.
#climateChange #climateDisaster #DarkHumor #DarkHumour #Humor #Humour
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The whisper came first. Then the footsteps. Then the silence that followed. 👁️
🩸 Dark Descent: Whispers From Beyond is open for microhorror submissions—500 words or less.
🕯️ Stories that creep under your skin and stay there.📖 Submit now: https://www.darkholmepublishing.uk/darkdescentsubmissions
#readingcommunity #horrorcommunity #writingcommunity #flashfiction #darkhumour #indieauthors #darkfiction
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Alternative Headline :
Berlin Attempts to Break a World Record: Most Participants in a Wet T-shirt Contest.
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The whisper came first. Then the footsteps. Then the silence that followed. 👁️
🩸 Dark Descent: Whispers From Beyond is open for microhorror submissions—500 words or less.
🕯️ Stories that creep under your skin and stay there.📖 Submit now: https://www.darkholmepublishing.uk/darkdescentsubmissions
#readingcommunity #horrorcommunity #writingcommunity #flashfiction #darkhumour #indieauthors #darkfiction
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Barbie didn't ask before helping herself to cake ...
(this was so much fun to set up - and the Barbie was broken already).
#dolls #dollsofmastodon #barbie #barbiephotos #daisy #daisydoll #crime #dollphotography #dollcollectors #humour #darkhumour #darkhumor #humor
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This makes my #goth and witch heart sing, and I am not joking. 🖤
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The whisper came first. Then the footsteps. Then the silence that followed. 👁️
🩸 Dark Descent: Whispers From Beyond is open for microhorror submissions—500 words or less.
🕯️ Stories that creep under your skin and stay there.📖 Submit now: https://www.darkholmepublishing.uk/darkdescentsubmissions
#readingcommunity #horrorcommunity #writingcommunity #flashfiction #darkhumour #indieauthors #darkfiction